[Diary of a Wimpy Kid 06] - Cabin Fever (1)

Sunday
This morning at 10:00, Mom told me to go downstairs and wake up Rodrick.
But when I walked down the basement steps, I could tell something was
seriously wrong.

There was at least a FOOT of water covering the basement floor. I guess all
that snow was too much for the ground to hold and it caused the basement to
flood.
I told Mom to come downstairs quick, and when she did, she was REALLY

upset that a bunch of our stuff was ruined. But to be honest with you, there
were some things floating in the water that I didn’t MIND getting wrecked.
Mom keeps a “memory box” for each of us kids, and mine was on the bottom
shelf, so it was mostly underwater. One of the things that was in the box was
my bed-wetting calendar from when I was eight years old.
Let me just say in my defense that there was a perfectly good reason why I
was wetting the bed back then. In those days I drank a lot of water before I
went to sleep at night, and then I’d have these crazy dreams that made me
need to go.

I finally figured out what the issue was, but not before I got five frowny-face
stickers in a row.

Some of the yearbooks from my elementary school days were soaked, but I
didn’t mind that, either.

My fifth-grade yearbook was in my memory box, and that’s the one where
we were allowed to choose whatever kind of background we wanted for our
school picture.

I was the only kid in the whole school who chose “Natural Setting.”

I knew I should’ve just gone with a regular background, but Mom talked me
into it when the forms came home from school.

I don’t really understand why Mom was so upset. Most of the stuff that got
ruined was in the basement for a reason, and that’s because we never USE it.
One of the things Mom was really sad about was a “spoon carousel” Gammie
gave us five or six years ago.
I think we were supposed to collect a spoon from every country in the world,
but we only got up to Canada.

I did feel pretty bad for Mom when she found out one of the family photo
albums got ruined. A few years ago Mom got into scrapbooking, and she

spent a lot of time cutting out pictures and doing these really fancy photo
pages.

But there’s one page in that album I didn’t like, because Rodrick always
teases me about it. It’s the one where I had a breakdown before a pony ride at
the state fair.

Rodrick always says I was scared of the pony, but that’s not true at all. I was
scared of the guy HANDLING the pony, but Mom cropped HIM out of the
picture.

Speaking of Rodrick, the flooding didn’t seem to bother him at all. In fact,
I’ll bet if I hadn’t woken him up he would’ve kept sleeping even if his bed
floated up the stairs and out of the house.

The rest of the day was pretty awful. The water in the basement kept getting
higher, so we had to make a bucket relay line with some of Manny’s sand
pails.

Dad called from his hotel room to check in on us, and Mom told him what
happened. Dad said he was really sorry he wasn’t home to help, but
something tells me he’s OK with the way things worked out for him.

I would LOVE to trade places with Dad right now, because he’s got a clean
room and a king-size bed all to himself.
Mom told me and Rodrick that since the basement was flooded, we’re gonna
have to share MY room. She said it would be good for both of us to get used
to having a “roommate,” because it was practice for college.
Me and Rodrick shared a room this summer for a weekend. We had to spend

a few days at Gramma’s while Mom and Dad took Manny to a kiddie
amusement park. Gramma has a guest room, so I figured one of us would
sleep on her couch and the other would get the guest bed.
But Gramma said the guest room was “occupied,” so we couldn’t sleep there.
She’d given the whole room to Sweetie, the dog we gave her. But you’d
hardly know he’s the same dog, because Gramma feeds him so much he
looks like a tick that’s about to pop.

Gramma said me and Rodrick could sleep together on the pullout couch she
has in the living room.
But that couch is covered in plastic because she doesn’t trust us kids not to
spill something on it.

So me and Rodrick spent a whole weekend sleeping side by side on a queen-
size pullout couch. I’d wake up every morning in a pool of sweat, and I don’t
even know if it was Rodrick’s or mine.

I’m pretty sure that in prison you sleep in bunk beds, so if they lock me up at
least I’ll have a better sleeping arrangement than I did at Gramma’s this
summer.

Monday
After twelve hours of sharing a room with Rodrick, I’m thinking of marching
down to the police station and turning myself in. Because there’s no
punishment they can dream up that could be worse than what I’m dealing
with at home.
Last night Rodrick brought a bunch of his stuff from the basement and put it
in my room. This is supposed to be a temporary living situation, but Rodrick
is treating it like a permanent one.

Rodrick’s got his drum set on stacks of books to air it out, and his dirty
clothes are EVERYWHERE.
This morning when I was getting dressed, I put on a pair of boxer shorts that
was sitting on my dresser. But by the time I realized it was actually Rodrick’s
dirty underwear, it was too late.

So until Mom did a load of laundry, I wore my Halloween costume. It was
uncomfortable, but at least I knew for sure it was CLEAN.

This afternoon we were down in the basement seeing if there was anything
we could salvage from the flood.

I noticed something strange floating in the water in the storage room, and
when I picked it up I almost passed out.

At first I thought it was a real baby, but then I realized it was my long-lost
doll, Alfrendo.

After all this time, Alfrendo wasn’t looking too good. I think a mouse
must’ve gotten to him, and spending a day in the water didn’t help, either.

But in a weird way I was kind of glad to see him. I was living with the guilt
of losing Alfrendo for all these years, and now I found out he was in the
house all along.

In fact, I couldn’t figure out how he wound up in the storage room. But I
realized it HAD to be Dad. He was never really on board with the whole doll
idea, and I’m sure he got rid of Alfrendo when I wasn’t looking.

I figured I’d confront Dad about kidnapping my doll when he got home, but
at the moment I had bigger things to worry about. The first one was what I
was gonna EAT.
Over the past few days we’ve been running low on food, and if this snow
doesn’t melt quick, I don’t know WHAT we’re gonna do.
Mom was supposed to go grocery shopping the day the blizzard hit, so we
have less food than usual to begin with. She said we’re gonna have to start
“rationing” until she can go back out.

That could be a while, though. The snow is piled up three feet high against
the front door, so we’re basically trapped inside.

And Rodrick is spoiling the food we DO have left. He drinks milk straight
from the carton, so there’s no way I’m gonna touch that now.

I’m actually kind of mad at Dad, because if it wasn’t for him, we’d have all
the milk we wanted. A few years ago I won a contest at the state fair where
you had to guess how much a baby goat weighed, and the winner got to take
it home. I guessed the weight right, but Dad wouldn’t let me have the goat.
And if we had that goat, I could have a glass of milk whenever I wanted.

Mom found some burritos in the back of the freezer last night and made them
for dinner, but they tasted funny, so I wouldn’t eat them. Mom said I needed
to eat SOMETHING, so I had ketchup as my main course.

Manny didn’t seem to mind the burritos, but he’ll eat just about ANYTHING
as long as he’s got his favorite condiment on it. When Sweetie lived with us,
he used to chew on the furniture, so we sprayed it with this stuff called
“Bitter Apple Spray” that dogs can’t stand the taste of.

But for whatever reason, Manny LOVES the taste of Bitter Apple Spray, and
to this day he uses it on almost everything he eats.

Speaking of Sweetie, I got so hungry today that I was seriously thinking
about eating some of the dog treats I found in the back of our pantry.

But Mom told me they have different standards for making dog food than
they do for people food, so that stopped me from eating any, at least for now.
I can’t believe I’m practically starving here while Sweetie is living the good
life at Gramma’s, enjoying her home-cooked meals.

I only have myself to blame about the food situation, though. We had a bunch
of canned food until a week before Thanksgiving, but then I gave almost
ALL of it to the Food Drive at school. I got rid of the things I don’t like to
eat, like yams and beets.

But I’ll bet whoever got our rejects is having a pretty good laugh about it
right now.

I was starting to wonder whether toothpaste had any nutritional value when I
remembered I actually DID have something edible in my desk drawer.
When Dad wouldn’t let me take the goat home from the state fair, Mom got
me a giant gobstopper to make up for it. I spent the whole fall working on
that thing.

I figure if we DO run out of food in the house, that gobstopper will help me
survive at least another week.

Tonight the electricity cut out for a few seconds and then came back on.
Mom said there was a lot of ice on the power lines and we were probably
gonna lose our electricity at some point.
She said if that happened, we needed to keep the freezer door closed so the
food inside didn’t thaw out and get ruined. She also said we’d need to keep
the doors to the house shut so we didn’t lose too much heat.

Manny got REALLY upset, and whenever he gets scared he hides in his
room. One time when Manny was younger, I told him a witch lived in our
basement, and he got really spooked. He went missing for a few hours, but
we eventually tracked him down to his sock drawer.

Mom was right about the electricity, because fifteen minutes after her
prediction, the power cut off and didn’t come back on. She tried to call the
electric company, but her cell phone battery was dead. Every hour the
temperature dropped another two or three degrees, and we had to get a
blanket to keep ourselves warm.

Manny just stayed in his room the whole time, and I’m sure he was scared
out of his mind. I was actually pretty worried myself.
When you’re used to having electricity and then all of a sudden it’s taken
away, you’re basically just one step away from being a wild animal. And
with no phone or TV, we were totally cut off from the outside world.
I would’ve felt a lot better if our street was plowed, because then we’d at
least be connected to the rest of civilization. But I’m sure the snowplow guy
is gonna come to our street last, because every time he comes up our hill he
gets ambushed.

There really wasn’t any point in staying awake, so I just went to bed, and
Rodrick followed me into the room a few minutes later.
It was freezing cold, and I remembered a story I read in a magazine about
these two guys who were stranded out in the wilderness and had to share a
sleeping bag to conserve body heat.
I looked over at Rodrick and thought about it for a second, but then I decided
my dignity was more important to me than staying alive.

All I can say is, prison’s gotta be a lot better than THIS. I’m pretty sure they
guarantee you a warm cell and three meals a day, so when the police do come
back, believe me, I’ll be ready to go.

Tuesday
When I woke up today, I realized I’d somehow lost Alfrendo again, but I
wasn’t too upset about it. I was pretty happy to be reunited with my doll
yesterday, but it hasn’t been easy picking up where we left off.

This morning I noticed it was snowing a lot less, but the electricity was still
out, and Mom said we were just gonna have to adapt to our new
circumstances until the snow melted.
She said I hadn’t showered in a few days and I couldn’t live like a “savage.” I
promised Mom I’d bathe TWICE a day once the electricity came back on, but
she made me go upstairs to take a shower anyway.
The water was freezing cold, and the only towel in the bathroom was one
Mom used yesterday. So I had to dry myself with some gauze I found in the
cabinet under the sink.

After I got dressed, I heard a knock on the front door. I thought maybe the
police had finally come to take me away, and I felt dizzy. But when I looked
out the window I saw ROWLEY standing there, and he had something in his
hands.

I thought Rowley had come to RESCUE us. But when I opened the door, he
told me he brought us Christmas cookies, and then he asked me if I wanted to
come outside and play. I told him he was out of his MIND and asked him
how his family was surviving without any electricity, but he looked confused.
Rowley said his family still had electricity and everyone else on the street
did, too. And sure enough, I could see people’s Christmas lights on up and
down the street.

Then Rowley asked me if I wanted to make a snowman. I slammed the door
shut, but only after I helped myself to a few cookies.
I told Mom what Rowley said about the electricity, and she told me to go
down to the basement to see if there was something wrong with our fuse box.
When I opened it up and looked at the circuit breaker, here’s what I found—

The only switch that was ON was the one for Manny’s room.
I ran upstairs, and when I opened Manny’s door I got a blast of heat. Manny
was sitting there with a space heater, a pile of food, and a bunch of OTHER
stuff, too.

When things got bad, Manny must’ve figured it was every man for himself. I
think he would’ve let the rest of us freeze to death as long as HE had enough
to survive.
Mom asked Manny why he cut off the power to the rest of the house, and he
started blubbering that it was because no one ever taught him how to tie his
shoes.

While Mom dealt with Manny, I went down to the basement and switched on
the circuit breakers for the rest of the house. The electricity came back on,
and the furnace kicked in. A few minutes after that, Dad called. He said the
highways were clear and that he was coming home.
I looked out the window and saw the plow coming up our hill.

Mom said it was a “miracle” that Dad was gonna be home for Christmas Eve,
but to be honest with you, I had totally forgotten what day it was until that
moment.
Dad picked up some food on the way home, and the rest of us ate like a pack
of wolves. And let me just say, I’ll never take food for granted again.

Mom said she was gonna go out with Dad to try and find a place that was
open that sold glasses.
Before she left, Mom asked me to take a present down to the police station
for the Toy Drive and put it in the outdoor bin, because today was the last day
you could turn a gift in.

But I wasn’t too eager to show my face at the police station, and I REALLY
didn’t need to spend Christmas in jail. I knew I’d let some kid down if I
didn’t turn in our present, though, so I found a ski mask in our closet and
headed out.

It took forever to get to the police station, and I crawled the last twenty feet to
the bin just to play it safe.

Once I knew the coast was clear, I stood up and tossed the present in the bin.

Then I turned around and headed home. But when I walked by the church, I
remembered something. I had filled out a request for the Giving Tree, and I
asked whoever got my envelope to leave my cash under the recycling bin
behind the church.
The church parking lot was covered in snow. I was pretty sure the recycling
bin was buried somewhere behind the church, but I didn’t know the exact
spot.
Luckily there was a shovel leaning up against the wall, and I started digging
to find the recycling bin. But it wasn’t in the place I thought it would be, and
I ended up clearing out a HUGE area looking for it.

I wish the church had a hose attached to the back of the building, because that
would’ve made the job go a lot easier. I was pretty desperate to find that
envelope, because I figured if I was gonna start my life on the run, I could
really use a big wad of cash to get me by for the first few weeks.
But when I finally found the recycling bin, there was no envelope beneath it.

I was pretty bummed on the walk back home, and I forgot all about being
careful not to be seen. So I was totally unprepared when I got to my front
door and a police car pulled in the driveway right behind me.

I thought this was it for me, so I ran inside and locked the door. But when the
police knocked, Rodrick let them in.
I thought about jumping out the back window and making a run for it, but
I’m glad I didn’t, because I would’ve looked like an idiot. It turns out the
police weren’t there for me at all. They were just there to collect last-minute
gifts for the Toy Drive.

I thought they might be bluffing and that they were just using the Toy Drive
as a way of flushing me out. But I finally worked up the courage to go to the
front door, and I even brought a donation with me and tried to act casual.

The police said they couldn’t accept a used toy as a donation and that they
were only taking new items in their original packaging. I actually think they
were just a little freaked out by Alfrendo, because they seemed to leave in a
hurry after that.

Christmas
When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t believe it was Christmas and I was
in my house with electricity and heat and wasn’t on the run from the police.
I went downstairs to see if there was anything under the tree, but I was totally
shocked to find there weren’t any gifts at ALL.

At first I thought it was all Santa’s Scout’s fault and that he’d been running
his mouth about the trouble I’ve gotten myself into lately. But Mom came
downstairs a few minutes later and told me Santa DID come last night and
that he left our gifts in the garage.

Mom said the snowstorm really messed up Santa’s schedule, so he ran out of
time to wrap presents and just put them in garbage bags instead. That didn’t
make a lot of sense to me, but at that point I was relieved to be getting any
gifts at all.

The rest of the family came downstairs, and Mom said we could have fun
reaching in the trash bags and guessing what our gifts were.
It wasn’t really the same. But I think Dad was pretty happy he didn’t have
any wrapping paper to clean up.

After I was done with the gifts in the trash bag, Mom handed me a wrapped
present that she said was from HER.

It was my “Tower of Druids” graphic novel, so I was a little confused. Mom
said she felt bad about forging Kenny Centazzo’s autograph, so she found out
where he was appearing a few weeks ago and got my book signed for real
this time.
She said she had to wait in line for three hours but she was happy to do it for
me.

But based on what’s written in my book now, I’m guessing Kenny Centazzo
didn’t hear my name correctly.

Hopefully I can find a rich guy named Craig who’s really into graphic novels
so I can sell it to him for a pile of cash.
Rodrick got a snare drum and some drumsticks, and Manny got a bunch of
toys and a pair of sneakers. Even though Mom taught Manny how to tie his
shoes yesterday, it looks like he’d prefer to have her do it for him anyway.

After we were done opening presents, Mom said it was time to go to church. I
told her we couldn’t go because we didn’t have any clean clothes to wear, but
that’s when she pulled out three last gifts.

I really like to spend Christmas in my pajamas, and the second you put on
dress clothes, it feels like it’s over. So I decided to put my clothes on OVER
my pajamas and pick up where I left off once we got back home. But it was a
mistake to wear flannel pajamas underneath corduroy pants and a V-neck
sweater for a two-hour service.

After we got home from church, I went upstairs to change. I actually had
puddles of sweat in my shoes, so I had to empty them out in the bathroom
sink.

When I got downstairs the newspaper was on the kitchen table, and here’s
what was on the front page—

Well, the newspaper didn’t exactly get the story right, but I’m not gonna
complain. In fact, that article inspired me to put out a new edition of the
“Neighborhood Tattler.” And I’ll bet we can sell a TON of copies.