How to Deal With Different Attachment Styles

Abstract

What is your interpersonal attachment style, and how might it affect your relationship? Based on the
works of Bartholomew and Horowitz, etc., there are four adult attachment styles: Secure, Anxious-
Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant. Most people have various degrees of the four
attachment styles, which may change over time.

Introduction

We’re wired for attachment — that’s why babies cry when separated from their mothers. Depending
especially upon our mother’s behavior, as well as later experiences and other factors, we develop a style
of attaching that affects our behavior in close relationships.

Fortunately, most people have a secure attachment, because it favors survival. It ensures that we’re safe
and can help each other in a dangerous environment.

How to Deal With Different Attachment Styles

Our childhood experiences with our parents or primary caregivers have an influence in the way we
interact and relate with our romantic partners and friends in our adult life

Four main styles of attachment have been identified in adults:

Secure attachment– As a child, if we have experienced a sense of security from our parents wherein our
physical, emotional and security needs have been met and we felt loved, cared and understood then
later on in life we relate to our friends and romantic partners in the same secure manner. Such
individuals are attached yet independent in their relationship. This is the healthiest of all attachment
styles

Anxious–preoccupied attachment– In this form of attachment the individual requires constant
validation, reassurance and love in order to feel secure. Such individuals become clingy if they feel that
their partner is not giving them the importance and support that they desire in order to feel safe in the
relationship.

In this form of attachment style the individual requires constant validation, reassurance and love in
order to feel secure.

Such individuals become clingy if they feel that their partner is not giving them the importance and
support that they desire in order to feel safe in the relationship⠀
⠀
On most occasions the insecurities and fears are ingrained due to our previous experiences. They tend
to become our incorrect patterns of thinking called cognitive distortions in psychological terms.⠀
⠀
1. One can firstly build self-awareness to understand themselves better. ⠀

2. Combat challenging thoughts stemming from low self-worth⠀
3. Become assertive as well as realistic with their needs⠀
4. Consider therapy to heal their past.

Dismissive–avoidant attachment– In this style of attachment, the individual is emotionally distant from
their partners and prioritizes autonomy and independence to emotional vulnerability and closeness.
They tend to lead more inward lives and does not allow emotional proximity to a lot of people.

In this kind of attachment style, an individual likes to be independent and refrains from any close
intimacy.⠀
⠀
The reason for development of such attachment style is inconsistent or perceived unreliability of
caregivers in terms of having their need for warmth and intimacy not met. Thereby making them believe
that it is best to be self-reliant. ⠀
⠀
Their partners may often feel rejected by them.⠀

⠀

1. Practice intimacy and sharing of feelings and thoughts one at a time⠀
⠀
2. Let your partner know that your need for space is not about them. ⠀
⠀
3. Process your emotions constructively- writing, sketching, drawing may help.⠀

Fearful–avoidant attachment- This style of attachment includes fear of getting emotionally close and
vulnerable but at the same time there is a desire for emotional connection and intimacy. They tend to
be unpredictable in their moods. They want to get close to their partners and at the same time have a
fear of abandonment.

In this form of attachment style the individual is seen to be highly critical of themselves and others. They
desire having intimate relationships, however at the same time refrain from doing so due to fear of

being let down.⠀
⠀
Their fear might have been ingrained during their childhood as they were often abused or reached out in
inappropriate ways. They might have had a parent who was warm and loving on certain occasions and

then deeply hurtful/punishing on others.⠀
⠀
This creates confusion and terror for a child as it is difficult for them to keep a track based on the
fluctuation, and it can make them stalkers or become manipulative to be able to get what they deeply

crave for. This also instills low self with in an individual.⠀
⠀

Those who have partners dealing with this attachment style can keep these things in mind :⠀
⠀
1. Honor their space ⠀
⠀
2. Offer them support by communicating and asking them about their needs/ideas and expectations
from the relationship. This will make them gain awareness of their emotions.⠀
⠀
3. Remember when your partner shuts down or become dismissive they're clamping down on their
emotions, do not take it personally, they don't mean to offend/hurt you.⠀

What to Do If My Partner Has a Different Attachment Style-:

If we do not match with our partner on our attachment style, it might lead to compatibility issues and
frequent conflicts within the relationship but that does not mean that the incompatibility cannot be
overcome

Example 1– Sam and Riya have been in a relationship for a year which involves a good emotional

bond, companionship, love and trust. Sam knows that Riya loves him but small things bother him like
why does he have to message her 1st always, why can’t she call him. Why can’t she be more physically
affectionate? She didn’t hold hands or cuddle when they were together whereas Sam felt these were
natural ways of showing love to their partner. She doesn’t share too much information about her days
unless specifically asked and gives him a lot of space, doesn’t act jealous(which is a positive but still once
in a while it feels good to see that possessiveness in our partner).

They used to have tiffs and arguments. Riya could not understand what she was doing wrong. She used
to keep asking him so what if I ask for some personal space and Sam always used to see that as a sign of
trouble in the relationship and kept asking what was wrong?. This irritated Riya and it started leading to
small fights between them.

In this relationship, both Sam and Riya’s attachment styles differ. Where Sam is anxious preoccupied
attached and requires constant reassurance and love, Riya has a dismissive avoidant style of attachment
wherein she is not as emotionally involved as Sam would have desired. It does not reflect on the
equation they share. They both love each other however they have different ways of expressing their
bond and this took some time for them to come to terms with.

Sam realized over time that Riya needs her personal space wherein she can spend time alone and they
worked towards it on the prefix that they find a balance between personal time and couple time. Sam
on the other hand, started spending that time on his catching up on his writing which was his passion or
spending quality time with his family/friends rather than being anxious about the status of his
relationship.

Example 2– Myra and Rohit have been dating for 10 months. They had been facing difficulties since

the beginning of their dating period and shared a turbulent relationship . Myra struggled to
communicate to Rohit about her insecurities as she had previously experienced an abusive relationship
and was always afraid of being emotionally vulnerable again.

Her possessiveness peaked when she saw him talking to his female friends even though Rohit kept
reassuring Myra that the bond he shares with them is strictly platonic. There were times when Rohit was
left confused as there would be days when she is open and shares everything and then there were days
where she would tell him that she is afraid of how close they are becoming and disappear for days with
no texts or calls. Rohit didn’t know what to do when she emotionally shut him down and created a wall
between them. There were times when they both had talked about breaking up but they realized that
they truly wanted this relationship to work.

It was after they sought professional help from a relationship expert that they were able to understand
what was happening. It was mutually agreed that no matter what the emotional state, they will
communicate to each other regarding what they are thinking and feeling even if it required some time
and Myra and Rohit worked on building a safe space for her to convey her insecurities without
hesitation.

1. Awareness/Knowledge– When we have full awareness of the attachment styles of ourselves and our
partners then we can work on identifying how we are in a relationship. Most often than not, they might
be the same way in all their close relationships.

Once we have knowledge of our partner’s attachment style, we are able to gain an insight into the
relationship dynamics and look at the same events like lack of physical affection or need for reassurance
in the above example in a different light. Then the insecurity and conflicts can be resolved by
understanding and communicating how they express their love and focusing on them or coming to a
middle ground.

2. Developing healthy attachment styles– Although our attachment styles are stable in our close
relationships, it does not mean that we cannot change our maladaptive attachment styles if it is
affecting our bond and focus on building healthier, fulfilling and happier relationships. Once we are
aware of our attachments styles, we can communicate our expectations to our partners and let them
know about what works for them and what does not in a relationship. Also, we would have to set
realistic expectations in our relationships keeping in mind our needs with our partner’s ability to fulfill
them.

For example- Expecting a sudden increase in affection and emotional intimacy in a distant avoidant
person is unrealistic as they have been expressing love in a different manner so far hence an overnight
change would not be achieved. However small acts of sharing day to day events and taking baby steps
towards building physical intimacy in terms of holding hands would lead to a feeling of being
emotionally close with their partner and the partner can also learn how they usually

3. Challenge our insecurities and fears– On most occasions the insecurities and fears are ingrained due
to our previous experiences. They tend to become our incorrect patterns of thinking called cognitive
distortions in psychological terms.

For example- In anxious avoidant individuals they might assume that their partner is ignorant of their
emotional needs if they talk to or spend more time with other people and not give them quality time.
Such individuals might end up saying “I knew this would happen, their love was never genuine’’ or they
might push them away and create a barrier in communication.

In the second example Myra worked on writing down her thought pattern and rationally evaluating
them and challenging them with a more positive realistic thought. She eventually bonded with Rohit’s
friends and to her pleasant surprise they were very accepting of her as they knew how important she
was to Rohit and how happy she made him. Rohit also made sure that their quality time was not
compromised due to any of his commitments and conveyed it to her on the days he could not make it.
Slowly they worked on building trust and a stronger communication in their relationship.

4. Space in Relationships– Both anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant individuals might become
clingy when they feel that their emotional needs are not being fulfilled and sabotage their relationships
by not giving adequate space to their partners because they believe they will be abandoned by their
partners.

Whereas in case of dismissive avoidant they might require their personal space more and might further
distance themselves from their partners if they feel that their space is being encroached or they end up
feeling suffocated.

In such situations we must understand that there might be times that our partners are unable to spend
time with us or be always available when we want due to personal or professional commitments. In such
cases instead of assuming that they do not care it’s important to see our previous experiences wherein
they have been there for us and check how frequent has it been that they have not showed up. If it is
less then it’s crucial to recognize that it doesn’t mean they love us any less or the relationship isn’t
strong.

So it’s very important to acknowledge that in any relationship there would be individual time and couple
time and having some space or time to pursue what interests us on a personal level is healthy

5. Mutual Support and Growth– While a change can be achieved in shifting to an adaptive attachment
style, the process would require patience, understanding and mutual support in order to be successful
as such changes are fundamental and hence will take time. Acknowledging that the relationship is
priority for both the partners and choosing each other through the ups and downs helps in developing
as an individual and building a love that will only get stronger with time.

Conclusion

As mentioned earlier, most people have various degrees of the four attachment styles, which may
change over time. Although those who are predominantly the Secure Attachment Style tend to make
strong partners, it is also possible for those who are predominantly the other three styles to be in
successful relationships. Self-awareness, mutual-support, mutual willingness to grow, and courage to

seek professional help when needed are some of the crucial elements to positive relational
development. The absence of these elements, however, may generate issues of incompatibility in
relationship.

References

How to deal with different attachment styles | BetterLYF.com | Retrieved on 11.08.2020 from
https://www.betterlyf.com/articles/relationships/how-to-deal-with-different-attachment-styles/

Preston Ni M.S.B.A., Jul 05, 2015 | What is Your Relationship Attachment Style? | psychologytoday.com
| Retrieved on 11.08.2020 from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/communication-success/201507/what-is-your-
relationship-attachment-style

Darlene Lancer, 8 Oct 2018 | How to Change Your Attachment Style | psychcentral.com | Retrieved on
11.08.2020 from
https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/