Reader's Digest April 2021

Reader’s Digest

DEPARTMENT OF WIT

“My Mommy®

Is Broken!”

A toddler e-mails a complaint to customer service

By Shannon J. Curtin

from mcsweeneys.net

ATTN: Customer Service year three. Did I misunderstand the
contract?
I am writing to you seeking assis-
I’ve also noticed an increasing lag
®tance with my Mommy . I received
®my Mommy in 2019 and was imme- ®in my Mommy ’s responsiveness dur-

diately pleased with the model. The ing daylight hours. Whereas before a
first year, she worked great. She was tearful shriek would invoke an imme-
attentive. She satisfied my needs and diate response and impressive check-
rarely caused me any grief. However, list of possible solutions, including
over the last year, I’ve noticed incre- snacks, cuddles, and various funny
mental changes in her quality. faces intended to make me laugh,
now she only sighs and rolls her eyes
For example, she used to jump to when I throw myself on the floor. In
rescue me from my prison whenever fact, there seems to be an inverse re-
I whimpered, and we’d retire to her lationship between her level of con-
room until morning. Now I receive a cern and the caliber of my dramatic
stern “Go back to sleep!” yelled from performance. Have you found this to
somewhere in the darkness. I under- be a problem with continued use?
stand that routine use of the big bed
is an introductory offer, but I thought Another cause for concern is my
it was automatically extended until
®Mommy ’s translation feature, which

I find is increasingly glitchy. She will

illustrations by Marcos Chin rd.com | april 2021 49

Reader’s Digest Department of Wit

ask me questions such as, “Are you time to expand your research and de-
ready to wash your hair?” and I’ll al-
ways say, “No,” and still, I end up with ®velopment to improve the Mommy .
a face full of shampoo every time.
It’s very frustrating. I’ve lost days of I would be happy to provide a list of
cereal-encrusted hair and painstak- ideas I’ve been workshopping, in-
ingly applied marker tattoos because cluding the eradication of some of
of this issue. It seems to be more of
a problem with understanding my ®the Mommy ’s most hurtful phrases,
negative responses, which is curious.
I haven’t once answered affirmatively notably “Just a minute,” “You need to
about wanting a diaper change, yet wait,” and “Don’t eat that.” Just let me
they continue to happen. know.

But of all my issues, the most con- I anxiously await any information
cerning is this: As I discover new you may have about automatic updates
and exciting things, I prefer to fully that might remedy these issues.
immerse myself in them, and this
Sincerely, Reese
®Mommy seems to struggle with the
mcsweeneys.net (july 7, 2020), copyright © 2020
concept of repetition. I know this by shannon j. curtin, mcsweeneys.net.

®Mommy was rated highly for her

adherence to routine—she has never
once faltered at making coffee at dawn
or declaring “BEDTIME!” at precisely
7 p.m. So then why does she seem to
tire of “Baby Shark” after the tenth or
eleventh viewing?

Clearly, I’ve raised serious issues.
As such, I suggest that you take the

Something (Doesn’t) Smell Fishy

Researchers have long known that humans’ ability to
detect the smell of rotting fish is located on a gene named TAAR5.
What they didn’t know until a study was conducted in Iceland in
October 2020 is that about 2 percent of the population there have
a mutation on the gene that makes them immune to that singular

olfactory experience. For people with the broken gene,
rotting fish smells as sweet as flowers or a sugary dessert.

50 april 2021 | rd.com

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If you had $25,000 in gold in 2001, you
would have over $125,000 with today’s completely free of dealer markup.
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Mention vault release code: RDS-0115

LAUGHTER

The best Medicine

God is speaking to “I like a man with a good firm elbow bump.”
Moses.
God: I’ve got good The opposite of ... counselor asks them
news and bad news. ✦✦... mermaid is what the problem is.
Moses: Give me the landlady.
good news first. — @calbo The wife starts
God: The good news ✦✦... formaldehyde is listing every issue the
is that you have been casualdejekyll. couple had ever had
chosen to deliver my — @Browtweaten in the 15 years they’ve
people from bondage. ✦✦... Iceland is water been married. She
I will force the pharaoh water. goes on and on.
to free the people by — @HotBitHoran
sending plagues of lo- When she’s finally
custs, frogs, darkness, A husband and wife done, the counselor
devastation, and more. gets up, embraces
The pharaoh’s armies go to see a marriage the woman, and kisses
will chase you all the counselor. At the start her passionately. The
way to the Red Sea, but of their session, the woman is stunned.
don’t worry. I will help
you part the waters to The counselor then
aid your escape.
Moses: So, what’s the
bad news?
God: You have to pre-
pare the environmen-
tal impact statement.
—Submitted by

Robert Strand
Springfield, Missouri

52 April 2021 Cartoon by Paul Kales

Reader’s Digest

clockWise from top left: petr sochman/comedy Wildlife photo aWards 2020. Bernhard esterer/comedy Wildlife photo Did you hear about the Energizer Bunny? put a television in
aWards 2020. krànitz roland/comedy Wildlife photo aWards 2020. max teo/comedy Wildlife photo aWards 2020 He got arrested for battery. each room of my
home. I live in a studio
—Wideopenpets.com apartment.
—Submitted by
turns to the husband says, “I can bring her Louis Sapia
and says, “That is what here on Mondays and Weehawken, New Jersey
your wife needs at least Wednesdays, but on
three times a week. Fridays, I golf.” Got a funny joke?
Can you do that?” It could be worth $$$.
—Bouldertherapist.com For details, go to
The husband thinks rd.com/submit.
for a moment before I finally make enough
he replies. “Well,” he money to be able to

NATURE’S BLOOPERS

The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards recognize nature’s silliest moments,
captured for posterity. We wrote equally silly captions for these recent finalists.

“Talk to the hand, sweetheart.” “Can you believe what he’s wearing?”

“Mom, this is so embarrassing!” “I’ve got to be me!”

Rd.com 53

Reader’s Digest

EVERYDAY MIRACLES

Putting a Ring Back on It

By Betty Jean Ankrum

It was July 2014. We were building My finger was naked. I was devastated.
a smaller house and getting ready I looked in every drawer, every
to move when my husband became
very ill. He had to spend nine weeks in closet, and the car. No luck. My family
assisted living, leaving me to do every- told me to retrace my steps. That would
thing in our new home. By nighttime, I be a task, for that day I had closed a
felt as if I was moving in slow motion. bank account, taken my car in to get it
fixed, and gone for an eye exam (only
One such evening, as I reached for to find out I needed cataract surgery).
some lotion for my aged hands, I no-
ticed that my Bluebird diamond wed- I sat, feeling numb. My mind wan-
ding ring—which I had worn for more dered back in time to when I had
than half a century—was missing. caught my first glimpse of the man
I married. I was five years old. There

54 April 2021 Illustration by Gel Jamlang

wasn’t any kindergarten in those days, for a new ring.” She was determined.
and my mom often encouraged me to “Where do you want to go?” she asked.
tag along with my dad. That particular
day, he was going to get freight at the “A pawn shop,” I said. I told her
depot in Highmore, South Dakota, a there was one close by.
“city” of only a few hundred people. As
we drove down in our pickup truck, we At the shop, we found five jewelry
came upon a large herd of Black Angus cases to look through. This would be
cattle being driven near the roadside. an exercise in patience. We picked out
They were going from West River to three rings from the first case. One was
New Underwood near Rapid City for too big, another too small, and the
water and pasture, the man in charge third too expensive. So we continued
told my dad as we passed them. to the next case, and this time I chose
two more rings. I picked up the first.
I was looking at the youngest rider. As I slipped it on my finger, I shouted,
He seemed to be about nine years old. “Here’s my lost ring! My Bluebird
I waved to him, but he just tended to
the cattle. Perhaps he was shy. HOW DID I KNOW

Next my memory traveled to my TO GO TO THAT PAWN
senior year in high school. The most
exciting thing to do in those days was SHOP? INTUITION?
to dress up and walk the streets of
Highmore with my classmates. It was THE WORK OF ANGELS?
on such a day that a black hardtop car
went by real slow. A passenger yelled, diamond! See how it just fits.” Every-
“Girls, do you want to ride around one in the store turned to the young
with us?” I could hardly believe it: man helping us. He got a magnifying
Among the people in the car was the glass out and said, “It is a Bluebird.”
young cowboy who hadn’t responded I wanted to know how my ring had
to my wave 13 years before! But he ended up there, so the police had to
wasn’t ignoring me now. get involved. Weeks later, I got a call
from an officer who told me that a girl
So, our love affair began. He offered had found it in the mall parking lot.
the ring a few months later. The dia-
mond was small, but my future hus- I’m still in awe that I found my ring.
band chose it for its perfection and How did I know to go to that pawn
shine. shop? Was it intuition? The work of
angels? Just curiosity? I’m not sure I’ll
The daydream passed. My daughter ever know. But I did learn that some-
Jan called. times things are gone for a while be-
fore they reappear to be claimed. Just
“Mom, I’m coming this weekend like my man. And just like my ring. RD
to see you and Dad. You should shop

Rd.com 55

Reader’s Digest

COVER STORY

Don’t Waste
Your Money

on

THESE 23 THINGS

AVOIDING
ESURYANROVFOUEORFRRSOCERWEADLITLLHSYLEPWLESEANTTNDUYTIFNOFGU

ByaJnoddyALm. Raonhdlaena
Walker

Photographs by Levi Brown Rd.com | ApRil 2021 57

It’s easy to get into a spending
rut, buying the same stuff
you’ve always bought out of
habit or just because your
mom always had that kind
of soup in her pantry.

But sometimes the same old, same Farrell, senior editor at Consumer Re- vector art throughout the story: getty Images (3)
old can cost you, whether we’re talk- ports. Set your thermostat seven to ten
ing everyday purchases, monthly bills, degrees higher on warmer days and
or occasional big-ticket items. In many the same amount lower on chilly days
cases, making a simple swap can save and see whether the money you save
you money, time, and even headaches. doesn’t feel better than being slightly
We checked with experts in more than warmer or cooler than you’re used to.
a dozen fields to find out what you Even easier, make these adjustments
should stop wasting your money on— when you plan to be out of the house.
and what to spend it on instead.
SUPERMARKET FLOWERS
RUNAWAY AC AND HEAT They might look pretty, but resist the
According to energystar.gov, a typi- temptation to buy bouquets kept in
cal U.S. household spends more than buckets of water near the produce.
$2,200 a year on energy bills, with Some fruits and vegetables give off
nearly half going to heating and air ethylene gas, which can shorten
conditioning. flowers’ lives, says Amy Stewart,
author of Flower Confidential: The
“A programmable thermostat can Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful.
save you 10 percent a year on your “Instead of lasting a couple of weeks,
cooling and heating bills,” says Mary

58 April 2021

Cover Story Reader’s Digest

The easy-to-grab
flowers near the
produce section

won’t last. Buy
the refrigerated

ones instead.

unrefrigerated flowers near the choose Oriental or Asiatic lilies, chry-
produce section are only likely to santhemums, garden roses, gladiolas,
last a few days,” she says. If you want or sunflowers.
flowers that will stay fresh longer,
buy blooms that have been kept in FANCY SHEETS
a refrigerator. Skip gerbera daisies, A high thread count—and the ac-
hydrangeas, dahlias, gardenias, and companying high price tag—doesn’t
sweet peas, which will probably start necessarily mean the softest or best-
wilting within five days. Instead, sleeping sheets. According to the

Rd.com 59

Reader’s Digest Cover Story

LARGE RUGS
A lot of work goes into weaving good-quality handmade rugs,
and the price can skyrocket when you go up in size. For example,
a four-by-seven-foot Turkish rug might be $300, while an
eight-by-ten version could cost $2,000. To save money but get
the look, Rebecca Hawkins, president and head buyer for furniture
retailer Celadon Home, suggests trying a decorator’s technique
called layering. Buy a large rug in an inexpensive material such
as sisal, jute, or seagrass for around $200. Then place a smaller,
more expensive rug on top, like that four-by-seven Turkish model.
Result: You’ve spent $500 instead of $2,000. “Designers and
home stagers use this a lot to save a bundle,” Hawkins says.

Layering will get you a premium-priced look for less.

product-testing group Wirecutter, every automaker,” he says. “It’s pretty
sheets with thread counts in the 200 rare that someone looking for a car has
to 300 range should be plenty soft no incentives available.” You can check
and durable. Its top pick for bargain- current rebates by make and model
priced sheets is Target’s Threshold at edmunds.com, jdpower.com, and
line, which costs $50 for a queen set— nadaguides.com.
far less than the hundreds or even
thousands of dollars you can pay for The best time to buy a new car is
premium bed linens. at the end of the model year (usually
August or September) or at the end of
A NEW STICKER-PRICE CAR the calendar year. The regular deals
You should get a good discount on a didn’t happen in 2020 because of
new car without having to rely solely the pandemic and the resulting auto
on your negotiating skills. One secret is shortages, but generally, “buying
timing: Watch for low- or zero-percent at the end of the month does yield
interest on loans, cash-back offers, a bit better deal,” says Drury. The
and special lease terms. “Cash-back reason: Many dealerships receive
offers can even be as high as $10,000,” monthly volume bonuses, meaning
says Ivan Drury, senior manager of in- they get additional money back from
sights at the automotive research site the automaker if they sell a certain
edmunds.com. “Every month, there number of vehicles in a month. You
are new incentives available from probably won’t get a giant discount,
but you can likely get another $200

60 April 2021

“Every credit card in your wallet
right now should be earning its keep,
and if you’re not traveling like you
used to, you might do better putting
charges on a card that’s going to, say,
pay you three percent cash back on
the money you spend at grocery stores
and drugstores,” Nolan says.

or so knocked off the sticker price. HOMEOWNERS INSURANCE ...
Don’t be lured by a holiday sale at One with a low deductible, that is.
Raising a $500 deductible to $1,000
the beginning or middle of the month, can cut your annual premium up to
says Drury. “Those holiday deals are 25  percent, says Mark Friedlander,
usually the incentives you can get all director of corporate communica-
month, so it still makes sense to wait tions for the Insurance Information
until the end of the month to save a Institute, a nonprofit consumer edu-
bit more.” cation group. Have a monitored bur-
glar alarm or fire alarm system? Some

PEOPLE
SAVED $125

ON AUTO
POLICIES JUST
BY COMPARING

RATES.

TRAVEL REWARDS CARDS insurers will knock 10 to 20 percent off
If you’ve historically put all of your your annual homeowners premiums
charges on a credit card that pays you for that. Ask your agent about any
in travel rewards, you might want to other discounts you might be missing.
use another card right now, while you
are probably traveling less or not at all, ... AND CAR INSURANCE
says Loretta Nolan, a financial planner There’s a similar savings step with
in Old Greenwich, Connecticut. If you your car: Increase the $250 deduct-
pay an annual fee for that card, call ible to $1,000 and you could save
to see if the company will waive it, or
consider canceling the card.

Rd.com 61

Reader’s Digest Cover Story

up to 40 percent on your premiums. An independent agent can help
At the same time, sniff around to you with those comparisons; find
see whether you have earned any one through the Independent Insur-
discounts that could save you even ance Agents & Brokers of America,
more. “If you’re driving less than or check comparison-shopping sites
you used to due to the COVID-19 such as insure.com, netquote.com,
pandemic, ask your insurer whether and selectquote.com.
you qualify for a low-mileage dis-
count, which might cut your auto SPRING FLOWERS
premiums by 10 to 15 percent,” says “When you buy in the spring, you’re
Friedlander. paying full price for all your plants,”
says Renee Marsh, a designer and
Bundling your home and auto poli- teacher at the New York Botanical Gar-
cies with the same company, if you den. “Buy in summer or even fall be-
haven’t already, could save you an cause nurseries don’t want to manage
additional 15 to 20 percent on each those plants through the summer heat
policy. Then pay your premiums in or have to overwinter them.” By wait-
full up front instead of using a pay- ing, you can easily save 20 to 50 per-
ment plan, and you might save an- cent or more. “Don’t get carried away
other 10 percent. by the spring flower bling,” Marsh says.

Even if you are maxing out all your SUPERMARKET STOCK
available discounts, it still pays to In the kitchen, try this easy cooking
hack: Save your chicken, beef, and
WAIT TO pork bones to make your own nu-
BUY tritious bone broth. Put bones and
vegetable scraps in a big pot, cover
FLOWERS with water, bring to a boil, then sim-
AND mer for a few hours, or all day if you
can. A splash (about an ounce) of
SAVE 50 vinegar helps draw nutrients from
PERCENT. the bones. Your homemade creation
will be tastier and contain more vita-
shop your insurance coverage around mins and minerals and less sodium
every year or two, getting at least three than store-bought stock. Research
quotes, to see if you can get a better has shown that bone broth protects
deal. In a study by the Texas Insurance bones and joints, fights inflammation,
Department, people saved an average and promotes better sleep. It also will
of $125 per year on auto policies just save you money, as store-bought stock
by comparing rates.

62 April 2021

your bank account. For ex-
ample, for service in White
Plains, New York, where
the Reader’s Digest offices
are located, Xfinity charges
as little as $40 per month
for download speeds of
100  Mbps, $80 for 1,000
Mbps, and a whopping
$300 for 2,000 Mbps.

A REPAIR-PRONE AUTO

Before you choose your

next ride, check the True

Cost to Own calculator at

edmunds.com to find out

Chances are how much different mod-

you’re being sold els would cost you over

faster Internet time. Information includes
than you need. purchase price, repairs, de-

preciation, insurance, fuel,

typically costs $2 to $3 per quart. Use and more based on your ZIP code and

your homemade broth as a flavorful five years of ownership. For example,

base for soups, sauces, and gravies and Houston buyers purchasing a 2020

as a cooking liquid for rice or quinoa. Honda Civic two-door LX coupe can

expect to pay $12,339 over those five

EXTRA-FAST INTERNET years ($4,541 for fuel, $7,127 for in-

Companies such as Xfinity and surance, and $671 for repairs), while

Google offer home Internet speeds of a BMW 330i could run $17,444 ($6,584

up to 2,000 Mbps (or 2 Gbps), but un- for fuel, $8,275 for insurance, and

less you are a hard-core online gamer, $2,585 for repairs). Of course, check

that blazing-fast service is probably a with your insurer to see rates for par-

waste of money. The Federal Commu- ticular models.

nications Commission recommends

Internet speeds of 12 to 25 Mbps for ENERGY-GUZZLING APPLIANCES

most families, even those who stream Older dishwashers, refrigerators, and

games or videos. You won’t see a big other essential appliances use a lot

difference in your everyday browsing more energy and water than newer

speed, but you will see a difference in models, especially those with an

Rd.com 63

Energy Star certification from the En- ETFs [exchange traded funds].” A sim-
vironmental Protection Agency (EPA). ple way to do this is to check the ex-
For example, a dishwasher with an pense ratios—the amount of a fund’s
Energy Star label uses 3.5 gallons of assets that goes toward administrative
water or less per cycle, compared with and management costs—of the hold-
the more than 10 gallons used by some ings in your 401(k), IRA, and other in-
older models. Energy Star-certified vestment accounts. Then see whether
washing machines clean clothes using similar funds charge less.
33 percent less water and 25 percent
less energy than standard washers, For example, Vanguard’s S&P 500
while certified clothes dryers use Index Fund (VFIAX) and Invesco’s
20  percent less energy than other S&P 500 Index fund (SPIAX) both mir-
models. So if your existing model is ror the performance of the S&P 500
on its way out or you’re looking to index. But the Vanguard fund has an
upgrade, choose an energy-efficient expense ratio of 0.04 percent, while
replacement for long-term savings. the Invesco fund charges 0.54 percent.

ONE-JOB KITCHEN GADGETS A BIG LAWN
Tempted as you might be after watch- Spend a lot less on
ing that infomercial, most of the yard care by getting
kitchen tools that do just one job are rid of some of your
not only a waste of money but also lawn or never growing one to
wind up taking up precious drawer or start with. By growing native
counter space. Think avocado slicer, plants instead of the usual grass,
banana slicer, garlic peeler, etc. To do you can save two kinds of green.
most food prep, say the professional “After they’re established in your
foodies at Food & Wine, all you need garden, they don’t need constant
are three good “gadgets”: a chef ’s watering, they don’t need any
knife, a paring knife, and a serrated fertilizers, and they’re more pest-
knife. and disease-resistant, so you save
on pesticides,” says Kim Eierman,
INVESTMENT FEES a certified horticulturist and the
“Because interest rates are so low, founder of ecobeneficial.com,
you’re not making much on your a gardening education website.
money market funds or bank accounts One study by the EPA found that
now,” says financial planner Nolan.
“To help make that up, make sure Less lawn to mow = more green
you’re paying the lowest fees possible
on investments like mutual funds and in your pocket

64 April 2021 | rd.com

Cover Story Reader’s Digest

If you invested $10,000 in each for ten all kinds of services out there that
years, earning an average of 9.8 per- claim to have ways to get negative
cent a year, you’d have $2,590 more information removed,” Andrew Pizor,
using the lower-cost Vanguard choice. an attorney at the National Consumer
Law Center, told Money magazine. But
To research your fees and find there are only a few legitimate repairs
funds with lower ones, consult a fi- that can be done, such as updating
nancial website such as morningstar old information or correcting errors
.com. If you have a 401(k), ask the em- on your credit reports—all things you
ployee relations department for that can do yourself, for free.
information.
To improve your score, you should
CREDIT-REPAIR SERVICES also try to pay down any debt you’re
Don’t fall prey to sales pitches from carrying, such as credit card bal-
companies that promise they can fix ances, and pay all your bills on time,
your credit score for you. “There are says Keith Gumbinger, vice president

the costs of maintaining one acre the same size lawn covered in
of native prairie or wetland plants traditional turf would set you back
such as grasses totaled about around $20,000—and even more
$3,000 over 20 years. Maintaining for a larger lawn.

Reader’s Digest Cover Story

of hsh.com, a mortgage information
website. That will get you a better
FICO credit score in a few months—
and a better interest rate on a mort-
gage, a credit card, or any loan.

“Someone with a fair credit score of
640 might pay about a full percentage
point more for a mortgage than some-
one with a very good credit score of
740 or more,” says Gumbinger.

STORAGE BINS Smart tricks
Organizing guru Marie Kondo sug-
gests using shoeboxes to organize can save you
items such as T-shirts, socks, and
tools in your drawers and closets. If up to 85 percent
you’re decluttering, these freebies
can save you quite a bit, considering on pet meds.
that shoebox-sized bins from the Con-
tainer Store cost $5 (or more) apiece. pet prescriptions. For instance, gaba-
pentin, a medication used to control
NAME-BRAND PET MEDS seizures, costs about $10 for ninety
Buying generics can save you as much 300 mg capsules with GoodRx,
as 85 percent on prescription drugs— whereas the average cash price is
and the same goes for your furry fam- more than $70.
ily members. Ask your veterinarian
whether a generic substitute might FULL-PRICE FURNITURE
work for a drug your pet needs. Ide- The biggest sales at furniture stores
ally, get a written prescription and typically take place on certain
compare the amount your vet charges holidays—Presidents’ Day, Memo-
with the prices you find at drugstores rial Day, and Labor Day—and also at
and big-box stores. Many pharmacies the end of the year, says Chris Gaube,
fill pet prescriptions if they stock the head of brand marketing at the home
same medication for humans. furnishings retailer Raymour & Flani-
gan. A smart strategy is to shop before
Discount programs, including those those holidays to check prices and
offered at most big chain stores, may then wait to buy at the holiday sales,
also help. GoodRx says using one of when much of the inventory could be
its coupons may save you as much at least 10 to 20 percent cheaper.
as 80  percent off the retail price of
And if you want to save even more,

66 April 2021

ask about buying floor samples. Says REPLACEMENT TIRES IN PAIRS
Gaube, “Typically our floor samples Tires don’t usually go flat in pairs, but
are discounted 30 percent to 50 per- the salesperson at the tire store will
cent during holiday sales.” tell you that you need to buy them two
at a time. Unless the tire on the op-
LARGE OUTDOOR PLANTS posite side of the one being replaced
“A plant in a three-gallon pot looks has less than 75 percent of its tread,
nice and big, but it has usually been say the experts at Family Handyman,
repotted a number of times, so the root you don’t necessarily have to change
structure has been compromised,” says it at the same time.
Marsh of the New York Botanical Gar-
den. When you’re looking for plants BOX SPRINGS
to grow in your yard, think smaller. “A If you’re shopping for a new mat-
one-gallon potted plant has a healthier tress but your box spring isn’t broken,
root system that will allow it to catch don’t let the salesperson talk you into
up to the bigger plants in a season or buying one. That'll save you roughly
two, plus it is a fraction of the cost.” $150 to $300 if you’re buying a queen
mattress, the most popular size, ac-
Or go even smaller and buy plant cording to Consumer Reports testers.
plugs—tiny plants with deep root
systems. “Within a growing season Those testers also say that you
or two, they will be the equivalent in should be able to get a good quality
almost every case of a plant you paid mattress for less than $700, including
five times as much for that comes innerspring models, which tend to
in a one-gallon pot,” says horticultur- be more popular than cheaper foam
ist Eierman. For example, a Lindera mattresses—and cost far less than the
benzoin, or northern spicebush shrub, thousands of dollars many brand-
can cost $29 in a one-gallon pot, while name manufacturers charge for some
five plugs of the same shrub cost $25. models. RD

Pint-Sized Food Fights

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination
because he traded it to a kid at day care for some fruit snacks.

Twitter@HENPECKEDHAL

My nine-year-old didn’t want to try my lemon loaf, but when
I rebranded it as “lemonade cake,” he was interested.

Twitter@ANNE_THERIAULT

Rd.com 67

GOOD DEEDS

THE BIK

ER WIT

Her son’s organ donation
saved his life. So he rode

1,426 miles to meet her.

By A. C. Shilton From bicycling magazine

68 April 2021 | rd.com

Reader’s Digest

TH A BIG HEART

Mike Cohen, left,
with Christine and

David Cheers

Reader’s Digest Good Deeds fpcrrhaeavnrilcioosutstpeestpkereressal ((dl:reijfgot)hh.tn)

IT TOOK SEVERALdrafts to get the letters right. To dis-

till her boy’s life into the two dimen-
sionality of words on paper. To paint
a picture of someone so full of energy
and love so that the beneficiaries of
his death, the recipients of his organs,
would know just how lucky they were.

Three weeks earlier, the thread that
held Christine Cheers’s world together
had been ripped clean away. On Feb-
ruary 21, 2018, someone on the other
end of the phone had said the words
that bring parents to their knees:
“There’s been an accident.”

Her son, 32-year-old Navy flight
surgeon James Mazzuchelli, had
been injured in a helicopter training
mission at Camp Pendleton. If she
wanted to see him while he was still
alive, she needed to get on the next
flight from Jacksonville, Florida, to
San Diego—and she needed to pray.

James was still breathing when
Christine and his stepfather, David
Cheers, arrived at Scripps Memorial
Hospital in La Jolla, California, the
next morning. Machines were keep- He would never smile at her again.
ing him alive, and the doctors told It was time for Christine to honor
Christine that what she was seeing the spirit of a man who had switched
was likely his future—that her scuba- his major from commerce engineering
diving, world-traveling, overachiever to premed because he wanted to help
of a son was never going to wake up. people. It was time to make her very
He would never breathe on his own. worst day some stranger’s best one.

70 april 2021

Mike setting
out on his

cross-country
journey

john francis peters Christine instructed the hospital Mike Cohen was just 18 when he’d been
to begin the organ donation process. diagnosed with an aggressive form of
These few words, as hard as they were leukemia in 2004. Doctors warned
to say, would soon ripple outward, him that the treatment protocol could
allowing a man to return to work, a cause lasting damage to his heart. At
veteran to get his health back, and an the time, surviving cancer seemed like
ailing cyclist to get back on his bike. the more pressing concern. He took

rd.com 71

Reader’s Digest

his treatment seriously, doing the ra- tethered to the indoors by a cord that
diation and chemo and even moving ran out of his abdomen. Even with an
from New York to San Diego for his last emergency backup battery pack, “You
year of chemo because his oncologist couldn’t go out in public because you
felt that mild weather would be easier couldn’t trust that someone wouldn’t
on his body. The risk had paid off— knock into the cord,” he says. His old
two years after his diagnosis, he was active life seemed like a thousand life-
cancer-free. And the move had been a times ago.
good fit too. As soon as he was healthy
enough to get outside, he was hiking Doctors had told him the device
or riding his bike. A casual cyclist as a could work for eight months or eight
kid, Mike became bike-obsessed. years. Six months later, though, Mike
was back in Sulpizio Cardiovascular
To celebrate his sixth year without Center at UC San Diego Health with
cancer, Mike decided to ride his bike another clot. His heart was failing. He
cross-country to New York. From the would need a new one.
get-go, it was a grind. Somewhere in
eastern Arizona, Mike was so over Heart transplant priority lists are
it he nearly threw his bike into on- tricky. You have to be sick enough to
coming traffic. truly need the new organ but not so
sick you can’t withstand the lengthy
What he didn’t know during that surgery or the immunosuppressant
ride was that his heart was beginning drugs heart transplant patients take
to fail, and in the years that followed,
his health continued to deteriorate. “THE OLD HEART
Even on days he didn’t ride his bike, WAS LIKE A TWO.
he always felt tired. Then one evening
in 2017, he started having chest pains. THIS HEART
IS A TEN.”
His brother, Dan Cohen, rushed him
to the emergency room, where doc- for the life of the new organ. Mike fit
tors discovered a golf-ball-sized clot those parameters and was at the top
lodged in his left ventricle. They tried of the list. Now he just had to hope he
blood thinners, but the clot wouldn’t survived waiting for a new heart.
budge. Soon hospital staff were pre-
paring him for open-heart surgery to On the plus side, Mike’s blood
install a left ventricular assist device work showed the clot had dissolved
(LVAD), which would do the pumping enough that he could safely go home.
that his heart couldn’t accomplish. As he packed his bag on February 24,
a nurse walked in. “I have good news
The implanted LVAD required and bad news,” she said. Mike asked
constant access to an electrical out-
let, which meant Mike was literally

72 April 2021

Good Deeds

treadmill. Across the room he spied
a stationary bike. He knew he wasn’t
ready yet, but it became a beacon. And
two weeks later, with his doctor’s OK,
he threw a leg over and soft-pedaled.

from top: pAt HEINE/BICYCLING mAGAZINE. CourtEsY CHrIstINE CHEErs James Mazzuchelli loved adventure, Christine Cheers wasn’t leaving the
hospital until every last one of her
serving in the Navy, and helping others. son’s organs left the building.

for the bad news first. “You’re not go- She and David watched hospital em-
ing home today,” she said. The good ployees carry coolers from the operat-
news? They’d found him a heart. ing room: his left kidney and pancreas
en route to a man in San Diego; his
The next morning, Mike woke up in right kidney to a veteran at Walter Reed
a hospital bed with a new heart beat- Medical Center. James’s liver headed to
ing in his chest. His energy seemed the Bay Area. His corneas went to the
to improve immediately: He took his San Diego eye bank. Tissue and bone
first steps around his hospital room went to nearby tissue and bone banks.
just five days later and was walking All that was left was his heart.
the hallways shortly after. “The old
heart was like a two. With the LVAD my “That was the one I cared about
energy was like a five,” he says. “This most,” Christine says. As a serviceman
heart is a ten.” and physician, James embodied the
ideals of bravery and altruism. “James
After two weeks, he was sent home had such an amazing heart,” she says.
with instructions to report to cardiac
rehab, where he was limited for the When a hospital representative de-
first few days to slow walking on a livered the news that James’s heart
was headed out of the hospital, David
ran into the hallway. He could see the
image of someone holding a cooler
reflected in a curved safety mirror.
David yelled for Christine. The pair
watched through the mirror as James’s
heart left the building.

In the ensuing weeks, Christine
descended into a grief so deep that
climbing out seemed impossible. Her
lone consolation, she knew, would be
to find out that James’s organs had
helped people. That the recipients

Rd.com 73

Reader’s Digest

were doing all right. So she
wrote each recipient, at least
the four she knew of, a letter.

The one part Christine
wanted to get right was the
part about what organ dona-
tion had meant to her son.
How glad he would be that
his heart and kidneys and
tissue were helping others.
She didn’t want the recipi-
ents to feel guilty about the
heft and gravitas of the gift
they’d gotten. On March 19,
Christine put the final cop-
ies of her letters in the mail.

Two months after his surgery, head and sported a beard—James courtesy mike cohen
Mike Cohen got a call from had had a full head of hair and was
the organization that had clean-shaven—they had a lot in com-
coordinated the transplant. mon. They were both athletic and
They had a letter for him. When he got practically the same age. James was
it, he unfolded the typewritten pages 32 when he died, while Mike, coinci-
and took a breath. dentally, had turned 33 on the very
day of James’s accident.
Christine described her son’s love
for serving his country and the fact Another thing he learned about
that he considered everyone a friend James: He was buried in Jacksonville.
and never judged a soul. He was self-
less, she wrote, had a quirky sense Back in rehab, Mike had hatched
of humor, and was a brilliant and a plan to take another cross-country
gifted doctor. She described his love trip as soon as his doctor gave him
for scuba diving, snowboarding, and the OK. The end point of that ride
motorcycles. His slogan: “Go big or go now came into focus. He wanted to
home.” pay his respects in person. It seemed
fitting to make the journey by bike—
As he read Christine’s letter, Mike to show just how transformative
began to understand just how spe-
cial his new heart was. Eager to know
more about James, Mike googled him.
Save for the fact that Mike shaved his

74 April 2021





Good Deeds

Left: Mike recovering
from the operation.
Right: Mike and Seton
(left) on the road beside
the RV that trailed them.

John francis Peters the heart was. Go big or go home. letter subtly hinted that the
He took his time before responding thank-you note was all the
contact he wished to have.
to Christine: a week to process her let-
ter and another week to compose his Mike’s letter was a balm
own. He wanted to get the tone just for a wound that Christine
right, to accurately express how grate- felt would never heal. And
ful he was for James’s heart and how so began the e-mails and
he was determined to keep it beating texts, which proved com-
for years to come. He communicated forting to her. She even be-
his desire to stay in touch with James’s gan avidly following Mike’s
family, if that’s what they wanted. Instagram posts. “Knowing
he was doing well really
Of the four letters Christine had helped,” she says.
sent, she got a response from two. The
first was from the man who got James’s By September 2018, Mike
kidney and pancreas. He thanked her, was back to riding and
saying how the organs had changed building up his mileage. His physi-
his life—that he could go back to work cians were impressed by his progress
and provide for his family. But his and his cautious approach, so much
so that they ultimately gave their
blessing for the cross-country ride he
was planning for the following year.
The trip would be slow in order to
not overstress his heart and immune
system: four hours of riding a day max,
keeping his heart under 150 beats per
minute—doctor’s orders.
Mike recruited Dan (who had be-
come certified as a medical assistant
so he could care for Mike after his first
open-heart surgery) to tag along in an
RV as support. Then Mike asked his
friend Seton Edgerton to ride with
him. They figured the trip from the

Rd.com 75

“As cliché as it sounds, I wanted Seton had rigged Mike’s heart rate charlotte kesl
monitor so he could see the read-
her to know that James’s heart was out on the computer attached to his
bike’s handlebars as they rode. He
in a safe place,” says Mike, shown watched helplessly as the beats-per-
minute number shot up. Both men
here with Christine. were thinking to themselves: This is
just the first day. Should we even be
cardiac ward at UCSD to James’s grave, attempting this?
roughly 2,300 miles, would take just
under two months with them biking But on they rode. Across Arizona
most of the way and riding in the RV and then on to Texas, Mike and Seton
only on the busiest highways. rolled along in matching blue jerseys,
the struggles of that first arduous day
When Mike announced on social behind them as Mike’s heart rate set-
media that he was riding to his do- tled down. Somewhere in the desert,
nor’s grave site, the Cheers family de- they took a wrong turn and ended up
cided they would meet him there. slogging through deep sand. Some-
where in Texas Hill Country, they got
It was day one of what would end barbecue they still talk about. In the
up being for Mike a 1,426-mile jour- first 1,000 miles, they got a combined
ney on his bike, and, as with his first 24 flat tires.
cross-country trip, his heart was not
cooperating. Perhaps he hadn’t eaten From Florida, Christine and Da-
enough or hydrated properly. What- vid followed along on social media,
ever the cause, it didn’t really mat- worrying about traffic and dogs and
ter. What mattered was that he had all the things that can befall a rider in
to keep his heart rate under 150 beats the middle of nowhere. A few times,
per minute and the steep Cuyamaca when Mike and Seton couldn’t find
Mountains east of San Diego were roads suitable for riding, they de-
sending it sky-high. toured onto an interstate, causing
Christine to wince at the thought of
semis whizzing by those boys—and
that heart. If it had been her son, she
might call him and dress him down.
But Mike wasn’t her son; he was a
stranger with her son’s heart.

On November 20, 2019, Mike and
Seton left the Flamingo Lake RV park
in Jacksonville and pedaled the last
dozen miles of their trip. All Mike could

76 April 2021

Good Deeds Reader’s Digest

think about was what a gift it was to be In that moment, Christine felt a
healthy. He’d doubted his body for so deep sense of calm, as if she’d known
long, but now he finally felt that there Mike her entire life. They folded into a
could be a normal life ahead. deep hug. Then came the tears. They
weren’t the deep weeping tears of
As he got closer to the cemetery, grief. They were the tears of relief from
Mike grew nervous, unsure what kind a mother who knew she’d done right
of emotions may be attached to meet- by someone she loved and from a
ing strangers who had already come grateful man who’d been accepted, or
to mean so much to him. “It’s just at least forgiven, by the family whose
such an intense moment to share with worst day was his best.
someone I’ve never met,” he says.
The two released and together
“KNOWING MIKE walked the few steps to James’s head-
WAS DOING WELL stone. Mike squatted down and took a
REALLY HELPED,” deep breath, feeling the strong pulse
SAYS CHRISTINE. of James’s heart in his chest. Silently
he told James how thankful he was
Christine and David Cheers got to for his sacrifice and how sorry he
the grave site early. They wanted some was they’d never get to be friends. He
time alone with their son before Mike promised to take care of his heart.
arrived. It was a perfect Florida autumn
day: sunny with a high of 72. They Someone ran back to the RV to grab
heard the whir of hubs as Mike and Se- the stethoscope from Dan’s medical
ton coasted into the cemetery and rode kit. Christine slid the cold metal head
toward the couple at James’s grave. underneath Mike’s blue jersey and lis-
tened. She shifted the instrument up
Mike unclipped from his pedals, and then down and a little to the left.
handed his bike to Seton, and walked
straight to Christine. At a loss for And there it was, loud and clear.
words, he managed a quiet “Hi.” The best part of her son, still very
much alive. RD

Bicycling Magazine (January 24, 2020), copyright
© 2020 By hearst Magazine Media, inc.

Going for Gold, He Wound Up with Porcelain

When German luger David Möeller chomped down on his silver medal
at the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver, he chipped his front tooth.
Lucky for him, his mom is a dentist.

Mentalfloss.coM

Rd.com 77

Reader’s Digest

INSPIRATION

Some people don’t
find their true direction

in life until they
are halfway through it

Rd.com | ApRil 2021 79

Reader’s Digest

Carl Allamby
overcame
self-doubt
to realize his
lifelong dream.

From Car Doc to previous spread: anna Knott. this page: gus chan
People Doc

By Andy Simmons

C arl Allamby had a problem. years it had grown into two shops
It was his auto-repair business. with 11 employees, but Allamby had
He’d started it at the tender age become antsy, yearning for something
of 19, working alone out of a rented more. At first, he thought it must have
bay in a friend’s garage. Over the to do with growing his business even

80 April 2021

Inspiration

further. So at the age of 34, the Beach- says. “There were often times you
wood, Ohio, resident decided to go wouldn’t carry your books home due
for his bachelor’s degree in business to the threat of being jumped.” So he
management. set aside thoughts of becoming a doc-
tor in favor of a more realistic career
There was a wrinkle, however: After path—fixing cars.
taking classes part-time over the next
five years, Allamby was told he had But a different Carl Allamby walked
to take biology to get his degree. The into that biology class at age 39. The
last biology class he had taken was in world may have knocked him around
ninth grade. What do I need to take bi- once or twice, but it hadn’t flattened
ology for, thought Allamby. him. He was ready to live his dream.
With the support of his wife and fam-
Turns out, it was the best thing to ily, he soon decided to skip business
have happened. Biology class rekin-
dled a childhood dream that he had “I REMEMBERED THIS
tucked away somewhere deep within FEELING OF WANTING
himself. “After the first day, I remem- TO BE A DOCTOR WHEN
bered this feeling of wanting to be a
doctor back when I was younger,” Al- I WAS YOUNGER.”
lamby says. “I kind of lost that dream
somewhere through high school and school in favor of the science classes
through life. When you’re young, you he’d need for a second career as a
feel you can be anything, and then the health-care worker. Becoming a doc-
world teaches you much differently.” tor when he would be approaching
the age of 50 was clearly insane. He
Born in East Cleveland, Ohio, would instead become a nurse, a phy-
Allamby and his five siblings were sician assistant, or a physical therapist
raised by their stay-at-home mother like his wife, he reasoned.
and a father who sold home goods
door-to-door. “As you can imagine, But Allamby’s chemistry professor
that didn’t pay so well,” Allamby says. at Cleveland State University stopped
him after class one day. “Carl,” he
Growing up in a poor African Amer- said, “you’re like the oldest guy here.
ican neighborhood, he faced low ex- What’s your end game?”
pectations and numerous barriers
to pursuing his dream. His school Allamby went through the spiel he’d
didn’t offer the advanced science developed about how he’d like to be-
classes that might have led him on come a doctor but it would be more
a premed path. Even if it had, doing practical to aim lower.
well in school could prove dangerous.
“You could get into a lot of trouble
just for being the class nerd,” Allamby

Rd.com 81

Reader’s Digest

“Why not a doctor?” the professor shops and everything that was in

asked. “You have a great intuition for them. “I sold my whole life in a matter

the work. You will go a long way.” of hours,” he says. “It was liberating.”

He was right. Allamby aced all his Then he started at Northeast Ohio

courses. “It took someone standing Medical University.

In 2019, at the age of 47, Carl

“HOW MANY PEOPLE Allamby became Carl Allamby, MD.
CAN HAVE SO MUCH He took a job in emergency medicine
at Cleveland Clinic Akron General.

STIMULATION AT SUCH Now that Allamby is a second-year
resident, his fellow residents never
A LATE STAGE IN LIFE?” let him forget that he is the old man

in the room. “Some of my jokes from

the ’80s don’t go over so well,” he says,

on the outside to tell me what I didn’t laughing.

even see in myself,” he says. It’s a small price to pay for the life

And so in 2015, Allamby cut ties he now gets to lead. “How many

with his past. He auctioned off his two people can do something so brand-

new and have so

much stimulation

and responsibil-

ity at such a late

stage in their life?” chris smanto/courtesy northeast ohio medical university

he says. “My kids

look up to me, my

community looks

up to me. I fit so

many demograph-

ics that say you

shouldn’t be a doc-

tor. Whether it’s

because of my age,

my race, my up-

bringing, my past

career—these are

all good reasons

Allamby graduating from medical school. “My new life why I shouldn’t be
feels like the life that I’ve lived for so long,” he says. “It just here. And yet, here

so happens that instead of fixing cars, I’m fixing people.” I am.”

82 april 2021

Inspiration

Bobbie Floyd
(center, in pink)

surrounded
by her eight

children

The Family That Grew
from Grief

G. Michael WorthinGton photoGraphy By Emily Goodman

O n October 19, 2016, 41-year-old ages 8 and 13, watched the color-
Bobbie Floyd went to Penn’s ful balls float up to the heavens, they
Landing in Philadelphia and thought of the missing member of their
released dozens of balloons. The oc- family and of the motorcycle accident
casion was more somber than cel- that had taken him away from them.
ebratory; she was honoring her late
husband on the two-year anniversary Later that same day, Floyd’s phone
of his death. As she and her two sons, rang. It was a social worker asking
whether she’d be willing to foster two

Rd.com 83

Reader’s Digest

sisters, ages 7 and 11. Floyd and her here,” she says. Months turned into a
husband had talked about adding to year. When Floyd learned that “her”
their family, a dream she had initially three kids had three more siblings (a
thought had gone with him. But about sister and two brothers) in the foster
a year later, she had reconsidered and system, she decided to make room
signed up to become a foster mother. for them. “We started adding bunk
“I was lonely,” she says. “And fostering beds and making lofts,” she says. For
is not adopting. That was my mental- some of the siblings, Floyd’s house
ity. I’m just fostering these kids, loving was their ninth foster home. “I just
them and then giving them back.” And kept seeing this family getting tossed
now, at last, the call had come. around in the system,” she says. “So I
figured, why not take them all?” When
WHEN ONE OF THE THREE Serenity, one of the three girls, asked
GIRLS ASKED THAT that she officially adopt them, Floyd
couldn’t say no. Her two biological
SHE ADOPT THEM, FLOYD sons were on board.
COULDN’T SAY NO.
Last year, the adoption became of-
Floyd was happy to take in both girls, ficial for four of the six kids, and it’s
but when she opened her door to greet almost complete for the other two.
them, there were three children, not Then Floyd will be the mother of
two. The girls’ brother, Lysander, 9, also eight, ages 5, 6, 9, 11, 12, 13, 15, and
needed a foster family. Floyd agreed to 17. “We’re like a well-oiled machine,”
take him in as well. Siblings often get she says. “In the kitchen, we’re sliding
separated in the foster care system, and grooving. We glide in and out of
and she wanted to prevent that, even bathrooms. We make it work.”
if she had only three bedrooms.
Just a few years ago, Floyd was a
Per her fostering agreement, Floyd lonely widowed mother of two. She
took the kids every three months to can’t help but think that her late hus-
family court in case their biologi- band had a hand in her life’s transfor-
cal parents were ready to take them mation, especially since the phone
back. Each time, the judge extended call from the social worker came on
the foster agreement for another the anniversary of his death. “I feel
three months. Meanwhile, the longer like he was saying, ‘Here, take these
the kids stayed with Floyd, the more kids. Get busy. Stop crying.’ And I was
they grew to trust her. “They wrote busy, but I was still crying. Then he
notes saying that they wanted to stay was like, ‘Here’s three more kids. Take
them.’ Now I have no time to cry, so
I just laugh and play and yell all day.
Then I wake up and do it again.” RD

84 April 2021

Inspiration

Second-Act Stories

I’m with the Band Now about myself. The first step was to
My 50th birthday made me stop seek counseling.
and examine my life. With no great
accomplishments behind me other Today, I have over three years of be-
than raising a wonderful son and ing porn-free. My wife and I were re-
showing up for work each day, I united after a two-month separation,
needed a new life adventure, one but there was still a long road of repa-
that would be creative and bring me rations ahead. Our first marriage had
joy. So I told my husband I was going to be burned down to the foundation.
to start a rock band. I got a bass There are no more lies or secrets be-
guitar and, after some lessons, tween us, just the bold, honest truth,
advertised for other musicians to join even if it hurts. Our second marriage
me. Nineteen years later, our band, is characterized by an incredible
Friends in Sound, still performs in intimacy that did not exist before.
venues all over New York City. My
band has made my life complete. —James Devine

—Nancy Lenart GleNdale, arizoNa

New York, New York The Children Made Me an Author
In my 20s, I moved into a trailer park
I Confronted My Addiction after fleeing an abusive, childless
My wife and I are in our second marriage. As I cleaned my trailer and
marriage—with each other. On spruced up the landscape, children
Friday, September 29, 2017, I came kept stopping by, curious about the
home from work to discover that newcomer. They clearly craved at-
my wife had left me. I never saw it tention, not to mention shoes, warm
coming. As I would soon realize, I was clothes, and reading material. I
the problem in our marriage. That couldn’t fulfill all their needs, but I did
acknowledgment was my first step buy an old bookcase and some used
toward admitting I had an Internet children’s books and set up a lending
pornography addiction. If I wanted library in my home. On cold after-
to save our relationship, I pretty noons, kids stopped by for home-
much had to change everything made bread and glasses of milk,
which they enjoyed while coloring,

Rd.com 85

Reader’s Digest

reading books, and asking questions This is my 15th year teaching,
about school, God, prison—things and every day I am grateful for
that had an impact on their daily lives. my second act.

Those precious days helped my —Stacey Zegas
heart heal and allowed me to eventu-
ally find love without abuse and have LawrenceViLLe, new Jersey
children of my own. In January 2021,
my ninth novel, Night Bird Calling, Goodbye to Bad Choices
was released from Tyndale House My first act was a tragedy. In my
Publishers. It’s about a woman who youth, teachers, peers, and family
runs away from an abusive marriage would describe me as intelligent and
and responds to an 11-year-old girl’s kind. Unfortunately, I had a knack
plea to open a community library in for making poor decisions, resulting
her new home. Gee, I wonder how I in my being arrested for robbery at
came up with that idea. 17. Four years later, I was released,
only to be arrested for robbery again
—Cathy Gohlke when I was 22. This time, I was sen-
tenced to 11 years. It took me a few
Leesburg, Virginia years behind bars, but at age 26, I re-
alized what I had lost—time with my
My Second Act Was a Lifesaver loved ones—and I regretted the pain
How many people can say that their I’d caused them. I needed to change.
second chapter literally saved their Fortunately, I still had an insatiable
life? After 20 years in the health-care hunger for knowledge. I became cer-
field, I left the corporate world to tified in asbestos abatement, learned
become a special education teacher. the basics of working in a machine
At the required physical, the doctor shop, and enrolled in college through
mentioned that I had a lump on my the Cornell University Education
thyroid. That led me to a surgeon Program. Today, I live to learn. I’m
who, upon examining me, noticed still incarcerated, but, at 30, I’ve de-
a birthmark on my neck that con- veloped a mind-set that will not allow
cerned him. Although I’d had it since me to fail myself or the people I love.
childhood, he decided that it needed
to be removed. The birthmark turned —Jon Nikiteas
out to be a malignant melanoma.
rochester, new york

Paging Julia Child

I picked a heck of a time to have not learned how to cook for the past 29 years.

@aLyssaLimp

86 April 2021

Reader’s Digest

LAUGH LINES

I’m afraid of being murdered Saw some idiot at the gym
only because they would put a water bottle in the Pringles

record my stomach contents. holder on the treadmill.

— @elunatyk — @MIKhanX

Fries should be offered Doctor’s orders
more often, like, say 30 crunches
a day… That’s
Yes, your mortgage
was approved. an awful lot
of chocolate,
Would you like fries but I guess I can
with that? give it a shot.

— @SentenceReduced — @wx388

nantonov/Getty ImaGes, IllustratIon by jennIfer kleIn Once heard a guy In the If I eat healthy
climbed Everest Junk Food today, then I can
“because it was there” have one piece of
and just feel like the Folder candy as a reward.
reason for one of the If I eat unhealthy,
most strenuous feats
in existence should be I can have the
different than the whole bag.
reason I ate an entire
gallon of ice cream. — @gigglegirlnoel

— @TheAndrewNadeau

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Reader’s Digest
88 April 2021

DRAMA IN REAL LIFE

On a trail near a
mountain named
for his grandfather, a
lone hiker crosses paths
with a bear three times
his size—and with one
enormous appetite

By Omar Mouallem

Illustration by Ryan Garcia

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Reader’s Digest

EVER SINCE HE WAS A KID grow- summit Mount Doogie Dowler with
ing up on Quadra Island in western his older brother, Paul. The peak,
Canada, Colin Dowler had pushed which rises to about 6,500 feet in the
himself to do more, go faster, and Coast Mountains of southwest British
scale bigger heights, despite having Columbia, was named after Colin’s
a small physique and a nagging con- late grandfather. It had always been
genital knee disease. When he skied, a point of pride for their family that
he raced the double-black diamonds. Grandpa Doogie, a prominent com-
When he rode his mountain bike, it munity member who once owned the
was on the bumpiest terrain. If he Heriot Bay Store, a local hub, was im-
wasn’t a little scared doing something, mortalized in nature. But none of the
he didn’t think he was doing it right. Dowlers had ever climbed to its sum-
Jenifer Dowler, his wife of 16 years, of- mit. Colin had tried once in his 20s
ten found herself telling him to slow and made it within a thousand feet of
down. the peak before getting rained out.

To celebrate his 45th birthday in Jenifer didn’t like the sound of her
July 2019, Colin took a week off from husband’s latest plan. She was used
his job as manager at a health-care fa- to Colin going on solo adventures,
cility in Campbell River, a small town but this time he’d be boating to an
on Vancouver Island’s east coast, obscure bay, biking an unpopulated
where he lived with Jenifer and their road, hiking through grizzly country,
youngest daughter, Sadie. He planned and camping overnight alone. There
to spend two days on his own, scout- was too much room for disaster.
ing a route he planned to use later to
“If I’m not home by eight o’clock
Monday evening, you should start to
worry,” he said.

Jenifer laughed. It was practically
her husband’s motto.

Technically, he said, she’d have to
wait until the morning if she wanted
search and rescue to take his dis-
appearance seriously.

“So,” she said, “I should just sit all
night worrying until I can call authori-
ties and say my husband is missing.”

He shrugged. Pretty much.
The night before his journey, Co-
lin packed sparingly. He ditched his
usual tent to experiment with a bivy

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Drama in Real Life

courtesy colin dowler Colin hiking not the small likelihood of a bear attack
wasn’t worth delaying his mission. He
far from Mount recognized he couldn’t completely
rule out the possibility, though. He’d
Doogie Dowler, had two grizzly sightings and count-
less black bear encounters in the area
three years in the past, but he’d always escaped
unscathed.
before the attack
Colin pulled into the Campbell
bag—a person-sized portable shelter. River port and quickly set off in his
He filled the remaining pockets of motorboat. More than an hour later,
his bag with a handheld GPS, hiking he arrived at Ramsay Arm, an inlet on
poles, his homemade venison pep- the mainland, and found a spot to tie
peroni, and a few other essentials. the vessel near a logging camp.
Instead of his usual Swiss Army knife,
he took a three-inch stainless steel As a former worker in the logging
pocketknife given to him by his dad. industry, Colin knew it was good
practice to check in at the mess hall.
JENIFER AND SADIE were still in bed “Is there anything you need?” Vito
when Colin left at 7 a.m., his bike and Giannandrea, the camp cook, asked
boat in tow. him.

Colin had intended to stop at a “Bear spray,” said Colin.
tackle shop for bear spray, but the After finding a can, Giannandrea
gorgeous weather meant the parking offered him a ride. They trucked along
spots at the city’s boat launch would an overgrown logging road until the
fill up fast. So as he added up the min- forest got too thick. As Colin leaned
utes, he drove past the store, deciding his mountain bike against a bush to
retrieve on the way back, Giannandrea
took a picture of him with his phone.
“So we have something to put on the
milk cartons if you don’t come home,”
he joked.
With Giannandrea’s bear spray in
one pocket and the knife from his dad
in the other, Colin started hiking. Af-
ter traversing steep terrain and thick
forest for about an hour, he started
marking his trail with blue ribbons.
He made lots of noise to ward off any
curious creatures. Near the end of the

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Reader’s Digest

day, he realized the canister of bear and then began heading in his direc-
spray was gone. It must have slipped tion. Colin flung his backpack off his
out of his pocket when he rested dur- shoulders, snatched a hiking pole,
ing a navigation stop. and extended it in front of him. As
the bear approached, Colin started to
Colin didn’t want to risk getting make out its features. About five years
caught in the dark looking for the old and nine feet from tail to snout,
spray. Instead, he spent an hour it was nearly three times Colin’s body
searching for a place to camp, even- weight—and though it showed no
tually settling on a flat, dry spot with signs of aggression, its curiosity was
branches low enough to set up his piqued.
bivy bag. He strung his food and
clothes high up in a nearby tree and The bear walked along the opposite
crawled into the bivy by 9:30 p.m., side of the road, coming closer and
satisfied with what he’d accomplished closer. The gap between them closed
that day. With his scouting done, he to 30 feet. Colin carefully stepped off
would return home after a night’s his bike, which seemed to startle the
sleep. animal. It shuddered from its paws
up to its rump and then continued to
THE NEXT MORNING, Colin tried with- stalk nearer. Colin pivoted his bike,
out luck to locate the spray on his way shielding himself with it. The bear
down the mountain. He gave up by passed by. Then, suddenly, it stopped,
the time he recovered his bike, and turned, and looked right at him.
as he pedaled, he daydreamed about
getting home early to enjoy some fam- Colin calmly raised the hiking pole
ily time and a beer or two. and pushed it against the bear’s big
forehead, right between the eyes. This
As he passed a marker showing four seemed to hold the bear in place, un-
miles to the logging camp, he came til the rubber tip rolled off his muzzle.
around a bend and suddenly hit his Before Colin could try again, the bear
brakes—a mangy grizzly stood in the chomped on the pole. “Oh, come on
middle of the narrow road, a hundred now, we don’t need to do this,” he
feet away. Colin paused on his bike, said, careful not to react aggressively
calculating his chances of turning with the animal so close. “I’m your
around for a quick escape. The bear friend.”
could easily tackle him by the time he
picked up speed. He opted to try to Colin let the pole drop. He tossed
scare the bear away. “Hey, bear,” he his backpack beside the bear, hop-
bellowed. ing the pepperoni scent would en-
tice it away. The bear took one sniff
It didn’t work. The animal looked and then turned back with his paw
from him to the bush, back and forth, in the air and delivered a light swat

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Drama in Real Life

THE BEAR SHUDDERED FROM ITS
PAWS UP TO ITS RUMP AND THEN

CONTINUED TO STALK NEARER.

that Colin blocked with his bike. He Thoughts of leaving behind his fam­
dodged a second, heavier swat, and ily, of missing every part of his daugh­
another and another, each stronger ters’ lives, raced through Colin’s mind.
than the last. He regretted that he’d put himself in
such a dangerous position—and that
When the bear raised another he’d lost the bear spray.
threatening paw high in the air, Colin
threw the bike at it, but the creature As he tried to pry the animal’s jaws
barely stumbled. Instead, it lunged open, saliva trailed off its yellow teeth.
forward and snatched Colin up in its It chomped through his hand. “Stop!”
mouth with one swift chomp to his he screamed. “Why? Stop!” It didn’t
abdomen. Colin was flung sideways, make sense. He knew that grizzlies
draped across the bear’s muzzle. The typically attack only briefly and then
animal’s canines sank deep as it car­ leave humans alone. When would this
ried him to the edge of the road. Colin end?
felt no pain, just warmth. He didn’t
resist, thinking only that if it carried The bear moved on to taste his
him into the bush, he would be too in­ other leg. As he heard the sound of
capacitated to get back to the road and his femur grating in its teeth, Colin
would die before anyone found him. remembered the knife in his pocket.
He reached for it just as the grizzly hit
The grizzly placed him by a ditch at a nerve. Colin arched and yelped.
the side of the road and lifted its head
for another bite. There was no roar, OK, he thought, I’ll play dead.
no growl, just huffing while it chewed But then the bear hit another leg
Colin’s flank. Colin tried to gouge its nerve, and Colin screamed even
eyes, grabbing at the fur on its face louder. I can’t play dead while I’m
and poking as hard as he could into screaming; I have to get the knife, he
the bear’s left eye. Agitated, the bear said to himself.
swung him 180 degrees, hoisted itself The weight of the grizzly’s chest
high, and chewed into his upper leg. was on his stomach, pinning his arms
Over and over, the bear lifted his head to his left side, opposite the knife.
and bit into him. Unable to feel his right arm, Colin
wiggled his left hand between their

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Colin being attended to by paramedics
at the logging camp (left) and recovering
in the hospital

bodies and into his pocket. He opened in blood. Colin cut his left shirt sleeve courtesy colin dowler (2)
the blade with both hands and in­ with his knife and tied it around his
advertently sliced the bear’s chest as left leg. Once it was tightly knotted,
he pulled his left arm out. he flopped onto his backside, scooted
to his bike, pulled himself onto it, and
Colin stabbed the bear’s neck as fast concentrated on resting his feet on the
and hard as he could. Blood gushed pedals. He collapsed off the bike after
from the wound. Even the grizzly one push.
seemed surprised.
Colin fought to remount and take
“Now you’re bleeding, too, bear,” off, keeping a tight grip on his knife.
said Colin. He felt his seat warming as blood from
his wounds flowed down his back.
The bear stepped off him and Focusing on his breathing, he felt his
walked slowly away, trailing blood odds improve.
on the gravel. As it disappeared into
the forest, Colin assessed the damage He pushed ahead for 30 minutes
to his body. His sides and legs were until the road sloped toward the log­
riddled with cavities. A femoral ar­ ging camp. He bounced painfully over
tery wound drenched his lower half

94 April 2021

Drama in Real Life Reader’s Digest

the bumps all the way to the mess hall instead of Colin’s. She saw him pacing
railing and then fell on his side. outside on a call.

Colin flung himself onto the land- He hurried over. “I don’t want you
ing, legs flopping on the stairs. “Help! to panic,” he said. “He’s stable, but
Call a helicopter. I’ve been mauled by Colin was attacked by a grizzly bear.”
a grizzly,” he yelled through a screen
door. Five men, including Giannan- At first, Jenifer thought it had to be
drea, found Colin streaked with blood a joke and expected her husband to
and dirt, smelling like an animal. jump out from behind a tree.

They kept him talking for 40 min- It was too late for her to catch the
utes until a medevac finally arrived. last ferry to the mainland. She finally
He received two units of blood at the arrived at the hospital late the next
camp and was eventually airlifted morning, just as Colin woke up from
to Vancouver General Hospital. His six and a half hours of surgery. Doctors
younger brother, his cousin, and his had had to make an eight-inch incision
sister were already waiting for him to repair an artery wound and treat
there. But Jenifer, herself on a camp- more than 50 gashes and bite wounds.
ing trip, was unreachable. In all, Colin needed close to 200 staples
and stitches. He was groggy, equally
IT WAS EVENING when Jenifer re- confused by the sight of his family and
turned home. She and Sadie had gone all his bandaged limbs.
the day without reception and hadn’t
turned their phones back on. “Look, The news was as good as it could
it’s almost eight o’clock,” said Jenifer, be. The grizzly’s teeth had mostly
driving into their neighborhood. “It’s bounced off his hips and ribs. Had Co-
almost time to start worrying.” lin been any larger, there would have
been more room for the bear to sink
Their house came into view, and its teeth into his internal organs.
Jenifer immediately noticed her
brother-in-law’s truck in the driveway In the end, the wiry physique
he’d tried to defy all his life had saved
him. RD

Here, Quaidy, Quaidy

Dennis Quaid, the actor, now shares a home with Dennis Quaid, the cat.
When the performer learned last year that his namesake, a six-year-old
black cat, was awaiting a new family at the Lynchburg (Virginia) Humane

Society, he reached out about adoption. “I had to,” said the actor.
“I’m out to save all the Dennis Quaids of the world.”

PeoPle.com

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