Man of the House with cover

Colombo inspection of the car, and either there was a dude in
there,
 or
 Lisa
 Leslie
 came
 to
 spend
 the
 night,
 because
 the
 driver’s
 
seat was too far back. I knocked anyway. Nessa came to the door
looking embarrassed. She
 asked,
 “Eric,
 what
 are
 you
 doing
 here
 at
 
my
 house
 in
 the
 middle
 of
 the
 night?”

Her
 face
 said
 it
 all.
 I
 said,
 “I
 woke
 up
 in
 the
 middle
 of
 the
 
night…”

She
 interrupted,
 “Yes,
 the
 middle
 of
 the
 damn
 night.
 How
 come
 
you
 didn’t
 call
 first?”

I
 didn’t
 feed
 into
 it.
 I
 just
 continued,
 “I
 woke
 up
 in
 the
 middle
 of
 
the
 night,
 and
 I
 wasn’t
 feeling
 threatened
 about
 you
 going
 to
 school
 
anymore. I wanted to come tell you personally that I support you,
and
 you’ll
 have
 any
 and
 everything
 I
 can
 do
 or
 give you to help
make
 your
 dreams
 come
 true.
 I’m
 not
 saying
 that
 I
 want
 you
 to
 
leave
 the
 area
 or
 take
 Anthony
 away,
 but
 I’ll
 make
 it
 work
 with
 
you.”
 I
 couldn’t
 resist
 crying.
 I
 sobbed
 as
 I
 said,
 “If
 you’ll
 be
 my
 
friend,
 I’ll
 finally
 be
 the
 friend
 to
 you
 and
 love
 you
 like
 you’ve
 
deserved
 for
 so
 long.”

She looked at me to see if I really meant it. I got ready to turn
and
 go
 home,
 but
 she
 said,
 “Don’t
 leave.”

I pointed to the car in the driveway and shook my head as I said,
“Nessa,
 you
 got
 company.
 This
 doesn’t
 need
 to
 be
 a
 scene.
 I’m
 a
 
friend.
 Well,
 I’m
 learning
 to
 be
 a
 friend,
 so…I’ll
 come
 back.”

She
 said,
 “No,
 Eric.
 Please
 don’t
 go.”

I turned back around to see her crying, too. She held her arms
out to me for a hug. I stepped back and turned around to hug her
tightly.
 She
 kissed
 me
 on
 the
 side
 of
 my
 face
 and
 said,
 “Thank
 you,
 
Eric.
 Oh,
 I
 love
 you.
 I
 love
 you
 so
 much.
 Thank
 you,
 Bingo,
 baby.”

While we hugged, the door swung wide open. There was some
dude standing in the door dressed in his slacks and t-shirt. He
looked at us. I looked at him, and she felt me looking. She released
her embrace and turned to speak to him. I thought I would make
things
 easier
 so
 I
 said,
 “How
 are
 you
 doing,
 Bro?
 I’m
 Eric.
 I
 was
 just
 
coming
 to
 deliver
 a
 very
 important
 message
 to
 Vanessa,
 but
 I
 won’t
 

293

interrupt
 you
 any
 farther.”
 I
 meant
 it.
 I
 was
 being
 as
 sincere
 as
 I
 
could be. I really meant it, and I extended my hand to shake his. He
growled
 up
 and
 didn’t
 shake
 my
 hand.
 I
 looked
 at
 Vanessa,
 and
 she
 
looked
 worried.
 I
 smiled
 at
 her
 and
 said,
 “I
 don’t
 have
 to
 do
 that
 
anymore,
 Vanessa.
 Friends
 don’t
 make
 trouble
 like
 that.
 We’ll
 talk
 
tomorrow. Come by the house and we’ll
 talk
 over
 a
 cup
 of
 tea
 and
 a
 
sandwich
 or
 something.”

I
 smiled
 and
 turned
 to
 walk
 away.
 She
 said,
 “Eric?”

I
 stopped
 and
 turned
 to
 face
 her.
 I
 said,
 “Yeah,
 Nessa.”

The
 dude
 interrupted
 and
 said,
 “Ay,
 if
 I’m
 interrupting
 y’alls
 
little moment,
 I
 can
 get
 my
 stuff
 and
 go.”

I
 didn’t
 want
 to
 look
 at
 him
 and
 give
 him
 an
 invitation
 to
 say
 
something I might have to kill him over. Nessa looked back at him
and
 said,
 “Please,
 Cliff,
 just
 go
 back
 inside.”

I thought she handled that well. I turned to walk away and he
said,
 “Get
 the
 fuck
 on
 outta
 here,
 ole
 bitch
 ass
 nigga!”

I looked back at Nessa. She saw that I was getting ready to put a
smooth 5th Ward beat down on him for trying to be tough. I said,
“Nessa,
 if
 I
 hadn’t
 known
 you
 damn
 near
 all
 my
 life,
 I
 wouldn’t
 feel
 
justified to tell you that you can do better than whoever this fool is
behind
 the
 door,
 talking
 tough
 to
 disguise
 his
 fear.”
 I
 looked
 him
 in
 
his
 eyes.
 Back
 in
 the
 ward,
 we
 don’t
 get
 down
 for
 a
 coward
 who
 
won’t
 look
 you in
 the
 eyes.
 We
 don’t
 do
 drive-by shootings. If we
come to get down, we get down. If you pull a gun, walk up to the
dude
 and
 pop
 him.
 Look
 him
 in
 the
 eyes.
 Don’t
 sucker
 punch
 
nobody.

I
 knew
 Sheila
 wouldn’t
 be
 proud
 of
 me
 for
 going
 over
 there
 and
 
fighting, so I was trying to find happy middle ground between
wanting to beat this chump down something decent and not
causing
 any
 trouble.
 Vanessa
 said,
 “Go
 ahead
 and
 go,
 Eric.
 I’ll
 call
 
you
 tomorrow.”
 She
 was
 closing
 the
 door
 and
 it
 slammed.
 He
 must
 
have pushed it. Then I heard a thud against the door. He must have
had her pinned against it. When I heard her scream, I knew I was
going to have to kill him. I went to my truck and got one of my .45s.
I tucked it in my waist and walked back to the door. I heard them

294

fighting inside, and I kicked the door. It was a solid, heavy wood
door, and she had a boatload of deadbolt locks on it. I ran around
to the back and was able to break that door in. When I got inside,
he had her pinned down and had ripped off her shirt. I could have
shot
 him
 but
 I
 didn’t.
 I
 just
 reached
 down
 from
 way
 below
 my
 
waist belt and upper-cut that bitch motherfucker under his chin.
Vanessa scrambled to get to her feet and cover her breasts. She
begged
 me,
 “Eric,
 don’t
 kill
 him.
 Give
 me
 the
 gun. I know you have
one.
 Give
 it
 to
 me.”

Cliff, the pussy, got to his feet. He was bleeding from the mouth
because I had knocked a few of his teeth loose. He stood up and
spit his blood on me. I knew Vanessa was obsessive about getting
dirt on her furniture, and she was going to have a fit about his
blood being all over her stuff. I jumped on that faggot and broke up
plenty
 of
 Nessa’s
 shit
 by
 throwing
 him
 around.
 He
 swung
 and
 
punched me in my nuts and I buckled. Oh, that shit hurt. My eyes
went black although I kept them open. He hit me with something
on my head that stung, but it made me even madder. I stood and he
stood,
 and
 we
 squared
 off.
 Vanessa
 screamed,
 “Stop!
 Stop
 this!
 Get
 
your
 shit
 and
 get
 out
 of
 my
 house,
 Cliff!”

He looked at her and said,
 “You
 ain’t
 shit,
 bitch.”

I looked at her. She looked back at me and pulled my gun on
him. He started shaking like a leaf. As she held the gun on him, she
didn’t
 shake
 or
 flinch.

I
 said,
 “No,
 Nessa.
 Let
 him
 go.
 This
 was
 something
 we
 brought
 
on ourselves.
 He’s
 nobody,
 Nessa.
 Remember,
 how
 did
 we
 get
 from
 
baseball
 to
 doing
 other
 stuff?
 Don’t
 be
 like
 me,
 Nessa.
 Go.
 New
 York
 
is waiting for you, and only you can allow things to interrupt your
dreams.”

Cliff
 wanted
 to
 be
 tough
 and
 said,
 “She
 ain’t
 gon’
 do
 shit.
 Both
 of
 
y’all
 is
 soft.”

Vanessa had only pulled the trigger of a gun one time before—
that I knew of—she shot at a dude to help me get out of a situation.
I knew she had the nerves to shoot him.

295

The front door opened. Anthony had his key, and Sheila stood
behind him in her sweat suit. He looked totally shocked; Vanessa
looked embarrassed. Sheila immediately pulled her cell phone out
to dial 911. I grabbed it from her, and she was going to say
something
 but
 I
 said,
 “Shh.”

Vanessa
 said,
 “Anthony,
 I
 did
 some
 of
 the
 stuff
 some
 people
 told
 
you
 Daddy
 did.
 Eric,
 I’m
 sorry.
 I
 made
 a
 lot
 of
 the
 stuff
 happen
 
myself.”

Sheila
 said,
 “Vanessa,
 let
 him
 go.
 This
 doesn’t
 need
 to
 escalate
 
any
 farther.”

I looked at Anthony, and I walked slowly to Vanessa to take the
gun from her. Anthony had that look on his face that he had when
he asked me all the questions about the scar. He looked at me and
asked,
 “Why
 didn’t
 you
 tell
 me?”

I
 felt
 bad.
 I
 didn’t
 know
 what
 to
 say
 to
 him.
 I
 started crying
uncontrollably.
 He
 said,
 “Daddy,
 how
 come
 y’all
 didn’t
 tell
 me?
 
Everybody
 else
 said
 stuff.
 I
 don’t
 love
 y’all
 no
 less…”

Sheila
 interrupted
 and
 said,
 “Let
 him
 go.
 Sir,
 I
 think
 you
 should
 
gather your things and leave, while you still have the
 chance.”

Cliff
 just
 didn’t
 know
 when
 to
 stop.
 He
 spit
 in
 Sheila’s
 face.
 I
 
cocked the .45 and put it in his mouth. I got in his face. My old ways
came back to me so quickly. I looked him right in his eyes and
asked,
 “Do
 you
 believe
 in
 God,
 nigga? ‘Cause
 you
 ‘bout
 to
 meet
 ‘im.”

Sheila
 and
 Vanessa
 both
 yelled,
 “Eric!”
 Anthony
 looked
 at
 me.
 
My eyes were teary, but I could see like an eagle.

Anthony
 said,
 “Daddy,
 Grandma
 said
 if
 you
 asked
 God
 for
 
forgiveness and you asked for your soul back,
 you
 could
 have
 it.”

I looked at him and released the hammer on the pistol. I said,
“Anthony,
 Mom
 has
 wanted
 to
 go
 to
 fashion
 school
 since
 we
 were
 
in high school. She wants to go now, so that means she and you
might be moving to New York. I came over here to tell her that I
was
 happy
 for
 her.
 I
 don’t
 want
 you
 to
 think
 I
 like
 seeing
 you
 go
 
that
 far,
 but
 I
 can’t
 continue
 to
 trap
 her
 down.
 I
 don’t
 know
 who
 

296

this man is. He tried to hurt your mom, and I came through the
back
 to
 stop
 him…”

“But
 you
 don’t
 have
 to
 kill
 ‘im.”
“You’re
 right.
 Cliff,
 you
 can
 leave
 with
 your
 life,
 or
 you
 might
 not
 
ever
 leave
 here
 at
 all.
 Well,
 not
 on
 your
 own
 power.”
Somebody must have called the cops because they came into
the house and asked what was going on.
They asked who the gun belonged to. Vanessa was my candy
girl
 and
 said,
 “It’s
 mine.
 I
 own
 this
 house.
 This
 is
 my
 son,
 my
 ex-
husband,
 and
 his
 wife.”
 She
 explained
 the
 whole
 thing
 without
 
having to embellish too much of it. The cops put Cliff in handcuffs
and asked Nessa if she wanted to press charges. She told them that
she just wanted him to get in his car and leave. They looked like
they were contemplating letting him go, but after they ran a check
on him on their computer, the dispatcher radioed back that he had
some outstanding warrants, so they arrested him and called an
impound wrecker for his car.
I wondered what Sheila and Anthony were doing there in the
first
 place.
 She
 explained
 to
 us,
 “He
 said
 he
 woke
 up
 and
 just
 didn’t
 
feel right. He came to our room, knocked on the door, and when he
discovered you had come over here, he just begged me to bring
him
 home.
 I’m
 glad
 somebody
 knows
 how
 to
 listen
 when
 God
 
speaks
 to
 him.”
After
 all
 of
 the
 commotion
 died
 down,
 Sheila
 said,
 “Anthony,
 
sweetheart,
 let’s
 go
 back
 home.
 Your
 mom
 and
 Daddy
 need
 to
 have
 
a
 minute
 to
 sort
 out
 some
 old
 things
 from
 the
 past.”
 As
 they
 walked
 
out the door, Sheila looked back at me.

297

Chapter 23

I had no idea what I was going to say to Vanessa or what she
was going to say to me. I sat there with an icepack on my head.
After we talked, I got up and kissed her softly and went home.
When I got there, Sheila was asleep and so was Anthony. I peeked
in
 his
 door,
 but
 he
 didn’t
 lift
 his
 head
 to
 show
 that
 he
 was
 awake.
 I
 
went on to our bedroom, undressed, and got in the bed. My
movement woke Sheila. I still had the icepack held to my head; she
asked
 why.
 I
 told
 her,
 “He
 hit
 me
 over
 the
 head
 with
 something
 
before
 you
 got
 there.”

She
 moved
 around
 on
 her
 knees
 to
 see
 it.
 “Here, lemme see. Oh,
Eric.
 This
 needs
 a
 few
 stitches.”

“I
 don’t
 feel
 like
 going
 to
 the
 hospital.
 What
 do
 you
 have
 here?”

She led me to the bathroom, shaved the hair from that little part
of my head, and put some butterfly sutures on it. While she did
that,
 she
 asked,
 “So,
 what
 did
 Vanessa
 have
 to
 say
 about
 all
 that?”

“She
 said
 that
 dude
 was
 somebody
 she
 met
 and
 thought
 was
 a
 
nice
 guy…said
 something
 about
 being
 humiliated
 so
 many
 times
 
that
 she
 had
 gotten
 used
 to
 it.”

Sheila looked around
 at
 my
 face
 and
 asked,
 “What—is that
supposed to be a reference to being humiliated by stuff you did, or
stuff
 she
 did?”

I
 answered,
 “I
 don’t
 know.
 I
 guess
 maybe
 a
 weird
 combination
 
of
 us
 both.”

“So,
 what
 is
 she
 gonna
 do?
 Totally
 digress
 and go back to the
pre-Bingo
 days
 and
 let
 men
 treat
 her
 like
 she’s
 a
 little
 girl?
 Just
 
because
 she’s
 finally
 been
 totally
 separated
 from
 you,
 that
 doesn’t
 
mean
 that
 she
 has
 to
 throw
 the
 baby
 out
 with
 the
 bath
 water.”

I
 asked,
 “What
 do
 you
 mean
 by
 that,
 Sheila?”

“Baby,
 her
 experiences
 are
 no
 less
 valid.”

“Hey,
 I
 should’ve
 thought
 about
 that.”

298

“Yeah,
 you
 should’ve
 thought
 about
 that.
 What’s
 Vanessa
 going
 
to
 do
 if
 you’re
 not
 there
 to
 take
 care
 of
 her?”

“She’s
 gonna
 have
 to
 take
 care
 of
 herself.”

Sheila
 said,
 “Hummh,
 I
 was
 just
 checking.
 Come
 on
 to
 bed.”

Before I got out of the bathroom door, I stopped in my tracks.
“Sheila,”
 I
 said.

“What?
 Come
 on.”

I
 didn’t
 move.
 I
 said,
 “Sheila,
 that’s
 it.”

“What’s
 it?
 And
 if
 it’s
 not
 nailed
 to
 the
 floor,
 come
 on.”

I
 said,
 “Sheila,
 it’s
 like
 Russell
 said.”

“Who’s
 Russell?”

“You
 know
 who…or
 maybe
 you
 don’t.
 Mr.
 Washington
 is
 Russell
 
at meetings. He was talking about the presence of men and male
figures
 in
 children’s
 lives
 in
 our
 communities.
 Some
 of
 the
 stuff
 
Vanessa
 does,
 she
 got
 honest.
 It’s
 not
 my
 fault
 and
 never
 was.
 
That’s
 why
 Jackie
 and
 Cassie
 left
 like
 they
 did.
 Dodo
 was
 a
 fool
 and
 
nobody
 paid
 attention
 because
 he
 wasn’t
 a
 total
 loss.”

“What
 are
 you
 babbling
 about?”

“Nessa
 thought
 she
 found
 who
 she
 was
 sent
 to
 look
 for.
 That’s
 
why
 it
 felt
 so
 good.
 And
 THAT’s
 why
 she
 went
 right
 back
 out
 and
 
found a new version of a knucklehead. It took her all of a couple of
days to get herself right back into the same mess. Not having a
sound example of a man in the house is just as detrimental to girls
as it is to boys. Ms. Miller used to preach that she needed to make
sure she did stuff so a man would want her and all that. She told
me one time that her mother told Cassie that she was going to need
to be smart, because nobody was going to take care of her because
she
 was
 dark
 and
 heavy.
 And
 Florence?”

“What
 about
 Florence?”

299

“Sheila,
 Florence
 has
 been
 wild
 and
 out
 there
 since
 we
 were
young. She was going with grown men when she was in high
school.
 It’s
 kind
 of
 like
 her
 children
 took
 little
 parts
 of
 who
 their
 
mother
 was…oh,
 shit.
 I
 get
 it
 now.”

“Get
 what?”

“Sheila,
 they’re
 spread
 out.
 They
 did
 what
 their
 mama
 did
 at
 
different stages of her life. Cassie was determined to be smart and
make
 her
 way
 because
 she
 wasn’t
 so-called pretty, because Ms.
Miller felt like she made it with one kid. By the time Jackie came
and
 Ms.
 Miller
 hadn’t
 progressed
 like
 she
 wanted,
 she
 started
 to
change her game plan. Florence is wild because Ms. Miller was out
in the streets because Cassie and Jackie could take care of Florence
and Vanessa. And by the time Vanessa was coming up, Ms. Miller
was
 concentrating
 on
 having
 her
 life
 back
 to
 herself.”

Sheila
 asked,
 “Why
 did
 you
 leave
 Dodo
 out
 of
 the
 line-up?”

I
 didn’t
 know
 why
 I
 cried
 for
 him,
 but
 I
 did.
 I
 said,
 “Everybody
 
left
 Dodo
 out,
 and
 that’s
 why
 he
 had
 the
 problems
 he
 did.
 He
 went
 
to prison partly because he always dealt with—or tried to deal
with—feeling separated from everybody, and when he came home,
there
 was
 no
 home
 to
 come
 to.”
 I
 bowed
 my
 head
 in
 shame
 and
 
continued,
 “He
 clung
 to
 Vanessa
 because
 she
 was
 the
 only
 one
 he
 
felt
 like
 was
 salvageable
 and…”

Sheila
 asked,
 “And
 what,
 baby?”

“And
 I
 shot
 him
 up.”

She
 defended
 me,
 “Eric,
 that
 was
 a
 sudden
 situation.”

I
 cleansed
 my
 soul
 a
 little
 more
 and
 admitted,
 “I
 didn’t
 have
 to
 
shoot him like that. I was never out of my mind when I shot
anybody;
 I’ve
 always
 known
 what I
 was
 doing.
 I
 didn’t
 have
 any
 
respect
 or
 regard
 for
 other
 people’s
 lives
 because
 I
 didn’t
 have
 any
 
for
 my
 own.”

Sheila
 asked,
 “And
 so
 are
 you
 going
 to
 make
 yourself
 suffer
 for
 
it
 all,
 now?”

300

I
 didn’t
 know.
 I
 guess
 that
 had
 been
 the
 only
 way
 I
 had ever
developed to deal with anything was by taking it all in and holding
it
 until
 it
 ate
 me
 up
 inside.
 I
 didn’t
 know
 what
 else
 to
 do.
 Sheila
 
held both my hands and pulled me to make her point. She said,
“See
 these
 little
 steps?
 You
 can
 make
 similar
 ones in other areas of
your life too, Eric. The things you want will be material and real
when you figure out how to apply what my daddy used to say. He
used to talk about everything in life being a decision to move or
not.
 You
 know
 computers,
 of
 course.
 It’s like the computer
program—on
 or
 off;
 yes
 or
 no.
 I
 don’t
 know
 is
 not
 an
 option.
 There
 
are
 no
 gray
 areas.
 You
 either
 move
 or
 not.
 It’s
 like
 if
 your
 goal
 is
 to
 
get from the bathroom to the bed, you have to make the necessary
steps to move your body from one room to the other. If you make
seven of the ten steps and then decide to not move any farther, the
goal
 is
 not
 accomplished.
 But,
 the
 part
 that
 I
 have
 to
 twist
 Daddy’s
 
theory is that the energy is not wasted. Seven steps of the ten will
still get you close. That part of the journey is not lost in the middle
of
 nowhere.
 That’s
 still
 a
 destination,
 and
 you
 have
 to
 recognize
 
where
 that
 is
 and
 make
 it
 work
 for
 you
 as
 well.”

She
 continued,
 “One
 thing
 most
 people
 don’t
 keep
 in
 mind
 is
 
that plans are still effective
 even
 if
 you
 get
 detoured.
 If
 you
 don’t
 
have
 somewhere
 in
 mind
 that
 you’d
 like
 to
 go,
 anywhere
 you
 end
 
up will do. Whether or not you see it to be this at present, you and
Vanessa have both progressed. You might not be in New York
playing for the Yankees and she might not be whatever she wanted
or dreamed of being, but both of you are somewhere. If you want
to move on, move on. Find out what it will take for you to get from
where
 you
 are
 to
 where
 you
 want
 to
 go.
 Either
 you’ll
 do
 what
 it
 
takes to get there,
 or
 you
 won’t.
 You
 have
 been
 successful
 in
 some
 
areas;
 you
 went
 to
 school
 and
 got
 your
 degree.
 You
 didn’t
 have
 to
 
tell me that something was a little less than exactly legal about how
you paid for school. I made the decision to be with you. That was
that
 and
 here
 we
 are.”

I
 asked,
 “When
 did
 you…?”

“It
 doesn’t
 matter
 at
 this
 point.”

“It
 might.”

“How?
 I’m
 here
 and
 I’m
 not
 threatening
 to
 go
 anywhere.”
301

I
 stepped
 out
 there
 totally
 on
 faith
 and
 asked,
 “Will
 you
 be
 upset
 
if I help
 her
 go
 to
 school?”

Sheila
 looked
 me
 deep
 into
 my
 eyes
 and
 asked,
 “Will
 it
 require
 
you
 doing
 something
 risky?”

I
 shook
 my
 head
 no
 and
 said,
 “I
 still
 have
 money
 put
 away.”

Sheila looked away, rolled over onto her stomach on the bed,
and said,
 “Wait
 for
 her
 to
 ask
 for
 it.
 We’ll
 keep
 it
 available
 for
 her
 
and…”

“And
 what?”

“And
 I
 guess
 just
 stay
 committed
 to
 helping
 her.”

I
 leaned
 over
 to
 kiss
 her
 for
 being
 so
 supportive.
 I
 said,
 “Thank
 
you for not making me feel guilty. I just want to try to undo the
stuff I did to her. Stuff other people did is either up to her or up to
them.”

While
 we
 cuddled
 in
 the
 bed,
 Sheila
 asked,
 “Do
 you
 mind
 if
 
Michael
 comes
 to
 the
 baseball
 game?”

That shocked me. I was kind of finished talking about Vanessa,
but
 I
 wouldn’t
 have
 made
 the
 transition
 to
 that
 topic
 on
 my
 own.
 I
 
wondered
 if
 that
 would
 be
 such
 a
 good
 idea.
 I
 didn’t
 know
 if
 I
 could
 
take being introduced to him at a public venue. I wondered how
Anthony would feel and what that situation would be like. Then,
my
 biggest
 fear
 hit
 me.
 I
 asked
 Sheila,
 “Did
 you
 know
 that
 Anthony
 
wants
 my
 mother
 to
 come
 to
 the
 game?”
 She
 rolled
 back
 over
 to
 
face me and sat up. She looked like she wanted to say something
but held her silence from caution.

I
 asked,
 “What?”

She
 searched
 the
 ceiling
 for
 thoughts
 and
 said,
 “Bring
 
everybody.”

I
 looked
 at
 her
 like
 she
 had
 fully
 lost
 her
 mind.
 “Everybody
 like
 
who?”
 I
 asked.

“Everybody.
 Ms.
 Miller,
 Dodo,
 Florence,
 Michael,
 your
 mother…”

302

I
 scoffed
 and
 said,
 “Yeah,
 right.
 I
 think
 that’s
 a
 wonderful
 
idea…NOT!”

She
 said,
 “Oh
 yeah,
 well
 think
 about
 this.
 There’s
 a
 little
 boy
 in
 
this
 big
 picture.
 He’s
 taken
 it
 upon
 his
 back
 to
 try
 to
 get everybody
to be happy. When Mother scolded him the other day for
threatening to punch Florence, he cried. He defended himself by
saying that she was going to mess up something in a few minutes
that he was working on for a long time. For an eleven-year old boy,
even five months is a long time. Would you have loved to see your
parents sitting in the stands watching you play? Well, how do you
think
 Anthony
 will
 feel?
 What
 about
 Makayla
 and
 Brian,
 who
 don’t
 
know
 all
 the
 pain
 and
 discomfort
 of
 adults’
 issues
 with each other?
Do
 your
 issues
 have
 to
 be
 their
 issues?”

“What
 if
 Mama
 can’t
 handle
 it?
 Maybe
 we
 should
 try
 something
 
like
 this
 later.”

Sheila looked at me like I had really said something so stupid.
She
 asked,
 “Later?
 Later,
 like
 when?
 Or,
 I’ll tell
 you
 what.
 What’s
 
everybody else supposed to do in the meantime while you wait for
later? Better yet, how did you like finding out about Michael only
until later? Do you think it would have made a difference if you had
known
 a
 long
 time
 ago?”

I thought about it. That would be a huge project and emotional
leap. Plus, everything I did or had done would be on inspection.
Well,
 but
 then
 again,
 so
 would
 everybody
 else’s
 stuff,
 too.
 That
 part
 
about it made me feel better. There was an old saying that I heard
somebody
 say
 a
 long
 time
 ago.
 It
 was,
 ‘I
 wouldn’t
 want
 to
 be
 a
 
member
 of
 a
 club
 that
 would
 have
 me.’
 No,
 it
 was
 ‘I
 wouldn’t
 want
 
to
 join
 any
 club
 that
 would
 have
 me
 as
 a
 member.’
 Yeah,
 that’s
 
what it was. I always took from that the notion that I couldn’t
 
expect more from my constituents than I was able to provide for
myself or the collective. I wondered what any one of the others
would do if they were in my position. If they made the wrong
decision, how would it affect me? I had to do something, so I said,
“Okay,
 Baby,
 if
 we
 do
 that,
 can
 I
 buy
 one
 of
 those
 grills
 like
 that
 guy
 
had?”

She
 smirked
 and
 laughed
 at
 me
 and
 asked,
 “You
 want
 to
 buy
 
more
 junk
 to
 have
 to
 carry
 around?”

303

I
 probably
 sounded
 like
 a
 spoiled
 kid
 when
 I
 said,
 “That
 other
 
boy’s
 father
 had
 one.”

Sheila
 kissed
 me
 and
 answered,
 “We’ll
 go
 find
 the
 grill
 
tomorrow
 evening,
 okay?”

I smiled and she hugged me. I felt a lot better.

304

Chapter 24

I had a dream that was a complete fiasco. In it, we all went to
the baseball game. Mama and Ms. Miller got into a big fight, and
Auntie Fay put the back yard beat down on Ms. Miller after she
opened up a 96-ounce can of whup ass on Wes, for beginners.
Mama was up preaching and had to come out of her Bible with the
straight razor. Anthony was embarrassed; I was hysterical, and
Sheila cried. Florence clowned and was trying to push up on the
umpire. It was all so stupid that I woke up with a headache. Plus,
the outside of my head was still sore. I sat up slowly and Sheila was
already out of the bed. When I looked at the pillow, there was a
blood stain on it, and just seeing it made me want to go find that
punk Cliff and pull a smooth Dodo-style move on him. I called out
to
 Sheila
 but
 she
 didn’t
 respond.
 Then
 I
 thought
 about
 something—
where were Brian and Makayla? Sheila must have dropped them
off
 at
 Maritsa’s
 house
 before
 she
 came
 to
 Vanessa’s.
 I
 walked
 to
 
Anthony’s
 room
 to
 see
 if
 he
 was
 still
 asleep,
 but
 I
 didn’t
 think
 he
 
would
 be
 because
 it
 was
 almost
 eight
 o’clock.
 Anthony
 doesn’t
 
waste
 time.
 He
 obviously
 didn’t
 waste
 any
 that
 morning,
 either
 
because his room was straight, and when I knocked and peeked my
head in to look for him, he was nowhere to be found.

I went to the kitchen to see if I could grab a little something to
eat and got the surprise of my life. My mother was sitting at the
table, and she had her back to me. Vanessa was there, and Auntie
Fay saw me first. I only had my pajama bottoms on, but even if I
had been fully dressed and in a trench coat, I would have felt
naked. I stopped dead in my tracks. Sheila was at the stove cooking
while Mama, Auntie Fay, and Vanessa sat at the table and talked.
When I got the nerve to take another step forward and open my
mouth,
 I
 asked,
 “Where
 are
 the
 kids?”
 They
 all
 looked
 at
 me.

Mama
 stood
 up
 and
 said,
 “Come
 let
 me
 see
 your
 head.”

I
 bent
 down
 and
 walked
 toward
 her
 and
 asked
 again,
 “Where
 
are
 the
 kids?”

Sheila
 said,
 “Squirt
 and
 Brian
 are
 with
 my
 mother.
 Anthony
 will
 
be back in a minute or two. I sent him to the store
 for
 something.”

“What?”
 I
 asked.

305

Auntie
 Fay
 said,
 “Something
 for
 me.
 Now
 sit
 down.”

I
 didn’t
 like
 that
 answer,
 but
 I
 had
 never
 sassed
 Auntie
 Fay
 in
 
my
 life,
 so
 it
 wasn’t
 time
 to
 get
 brand
 new.
 I
 sat
 down.
 Vanessa
 had
 
a guilty look on her face. I wondered how long they had been there
and what, if anything, had been said. I just looked at their faces to
see
 if
 I
 could
 detect
 what
 they
 had
 spoken
 about;
 I
 couldn’t.

Mama
 suddenly
 asked
 me,
 “When
 are
 you
 going
 to
 get
 enough
 
of guns, Patrick?”
 I
 bowed
 my
 head.
 She
 picked
 my
 chin
 up
 with
 
her
 finger,
 looked
 me
 in
 the
 eyes,
 and
 asked
 me
 again,
 “Patrick,
 I
 
know you heard me. Baby, you and guns are a deadly mix. People
die
 when
 you
 and
 guns
 get
 together.”

I tried to think of something to defend myself. I started to say,
“Mama,
 I…”

Sheila
 cut
 me
 off
 and
 said,
 “Listen,
 Eric.”

Vanessa
 cut
 Sheila
 off
 and
 said,
 “Ms.
 Campbell,
 there
 are
 a
 lot
 of
 
things
 people
 thought
 he
 did
 that
 he
 didn’t
 do.
 When
 he
 got
 well,
 
we
 didn’t;
 I
 know
 I
 didn’t.
 It’s
 like
 my
 Uncle
 Larry
 when
 he
 got
 off
 
drugs. He divorced my aunt because they were so used to dealing
with
 him
 as
 a
 dope
 head,
 and
 after
 he
 wasn’t
 using
 no
 more,
 
nobody knew who he was. Eric held me down, but I held him down
just as much. There were many times when I took splits from
something
 he
 did
 because
 I
 was
 just
 as
 involved.
 I
 can’t
 let him take
all
 the
 blame.”

Auntie
 Fay
 nodded
 her
 head
 and
 asked,
 “So,
 when
 will
 it
 stop,
 
Vanessa?”

Vanessa
 looked
 puzzled.
 Mama
 said,
 “Let
 me
 ask
 you
 something.
 
How
 did
 you
 feel
 when
 I
 told
 you
 what
 I
 did
 at
 the
 hospital?”

Vanessa bowed her
 head
 and
 asked,
 “Why
 do
 you
 want
 to
 go
 
over that again? I already admitted that I felt inadequate about a
lot of things before that, and after that, I just bit my teeth down
harder
 to
 prove
 you
 wrong.”

Mama
 looked
 at
 Vanessa
 and
 said,
 “Vanessa,
 I didn’t
 have
 the
 
right to say those things to you. Nobody has the right to judge you
like
 that.
 I
 didn’t
 know
 anything
 detailed
 about
 you.
 I
 never
 took
 

306

the
 time
 to
 be
 involved
 in
 my
 son’s
 life
 when
 he
 was
 dating,
 and
 I
 
just
 didn’t…I
 couldn’t
 have
 the
 type
 of perspective to say
something like that. You need to know that anybody who tries to
say something or make a judgment like that is never a real
measurement of who you are or what you can do. All that stuff
really
 means
 is
 they
 are
 admitting
 that
 they
 can’t
 see
 it
 or
 don’t
 
know
 about
 it.
 Most
 of
 the
 time,
 they
 can’t
 see
 things
 because
 they
 
are no better than they claim you are. See, the right thing for me to
do
 would
 have
 been
 to
 try
 to
 help
 you.”

Auntie
 Fay
 added,
 “Help
 yourself,
 too.”

“Yeah,
 help myself, too. I was as bad as you were or worse,
Vanessa. All that stuff I said was motivated by pain and self-hatred.
Passing
 it
 didn’t
 split
 it
 up
 and
 relieve
 me.
 I
 just
 multiplied
 it,
 and
 
after that, you and I had a big ole plate full of our own issues and
each
 other’s
 stuff
 as
 a
 side
 dish.”

Vanessa
 had
 her
 head
 down
 and
 said,
 “I
 didn’t
 know
 what
 to
 do.
 
The only other man or male who ever cared about me was my big
brother,
 Phillip.
 I
 guess
 that’s
 why
 I
 held
 on
 to
 Anthony
 so
 tight.”

Auntie Fay
 said,
 “You
 don’t
 ever
 need
 to
 justify
 holding
 on
 to
 
your
 own
 child,
 sweetheart.”

Vanessa
 said,
 “I
 don’t
 want
 him
 to
 cry
 like
 his
 father
 use
 to.
 I
 
don’t
 want
 you
 to
 be
 in
 pain,
 Eric.
 And
 Sheila,
 it
 really
 had
 nothing
 
to do with you, especially way back
 then.”

Sheila
 smiled
 at
 Vanessa
 and
 said,
 “I
 know.”

I looked at Sheila as she mouthed to me to set the table. I got up,
and Mama patted me on the back of my hand and smiled at me. It
felt soooo good. As I pulled the plates down from the cabinet, I
heard Anthony come in the garage door. He had some butter in a
bag. His eyes lit up, and he had the biggest smile on his face as he
yelled,
 “Hi,
 Grandma!”
 like
 he
 had
 never
 seen
 her
 before.
 He
 ran
 to
 
hug her.

Auntie
 Fay
 said,
 “Oh,
 I
 guess
 she’s
 the
 only
 person
 who
 came
 to
 
see
 you,
 huh?”

He
 turned
 to
 hug
 her
 and
 said,
 “No.
 Hi,
 Auntie
 Fay.”
307

After he hugged them, he had this big Kool-Aid smile on his face
as
 he
 went
 to
 sit
 in
 Vanessa’s
 lap.
 She
 kept
 kissing
 and
 hugging
 
him. Sheila and I made eye contact, and I knew exactly what she
was thinking. Anthony must have known part of what we were
thinking
 because
 he
 asked,
 “Grandma,
 can
 you
 come
 to
 watch
 me
 
play
 tomorrow?
 It
 won’t
 be
 that
 hot.”

Mama
 said,
 “Me
 getting
 hot
 is
 not
 a
 matter of the heat outside,
but
 even
 if
 it
 was,
 I
 would
 come.
 Yes,
 I’ll
 be
 there.”

Anthony perked up like he had just been zapped with a blast of
electricity
 and
 said,
 “Okay,
 look,
 Grandma,
 you
 have
 to
 remember
 
this.
 Watch.”
 He
 pointed
 his
 finger
 to
 his
 jaw, rubbed his hand
across his chest, rubbed the back of his hand across his forehead,
and pointed to the sky.

Mama
 asked,
 “What’s
 that
 mean?”

Vanessa and I spoke in unison as I did it slowly and narrated
what
 it
 meant.
 “The
 finger
 to
 the
 jaw—don’t
 bite
 the
 loving
 hands
 
that feed you; the brush across the chest—love the ones who
brought you; the brush across the forehead—remember where we
came from; and the point to the sky—let’s
 reach
 for
 the
 sky.”

Vanessa
 said,
 “The
 Bingo
 Special.”

Mama
 smiled
 proudly
 and
 said,
 “Well,
 I’ll
 be
 there
 to
 see
 it.”

We ate breakfast, and the energy felt good. After we cleaned the
dishes, I went upstairs to shower and dress. When I came back
down, Vanessa asked to speak to me alone. I wondered what she as
going to say. I told her to come out to the garage as I assembled
and
 organized
 all
 the
 things
 for
 Anthony’s
 game
 coming
 the
 next
 
day.
 When
 we
 got
 out
 there,
 she
 said,
 “If
 I
 go
 or
 end
 up
 having
 to
 go
 
somewhere,
 it’s
 probably
 better
 that
 Anthony
 stays
 here
 with
 you.”

That
 surprised
 me.
 I
 asked,
 “Vanessa,
 where
 did
 that
 come
 
from?”

“Did
 you
 see
 his
 face?
 I
 won’t
 take
 him
 from
 all
 that.
 He
 
wouldn’t
 forgive
 me.”

“He’s
 not
 going
 to
 let
 you
 leave
 and
 be
 somewhere
 by
 yourself.”
308

“I
 need
 to
 be
 by
 myself.
 Plus,
 I
 need
 to
 grow
 as
 a
 person.”

“Well,
 you
 tell
 him
 that,
 but
 let
 me
 ask
 you
 something.
 Are
 there
 
none of those fashion teaching places in Houston or somewhere
close?”

“Maybe;
 I
 just
 always
 had
 my
 mind
 set
 on
 New York. I want to
see
 something
 different.
 At
 least
 you’ve
 been
 on
 road
 trips.”

“Hustling
 and
 going
 to
 the
 Freaknik
 doesn’t
 really
 qualify
 to
 me
 
to
 be
 a
 world
 traveler,
 Nessa.”

“Well,
 it’s
 somewhere,
 shoot.
 I
 work
 in
 the
 loop;
 I
 live
 inside
 the
loop. Hell, to call myself a suburbanite feels strange. I want to do
something
 meaningful
 with
 my
 life.”

“You
 tried
 to
 be
 a
 friend
 to
 me
 when
 I
 didn’t
 know
 what
 a
 friend
 
was.
 That’s
 meaningful.”

“But
 I
 want
 to
 make
 a
 difference.”

I bowed
 my
 head
 and
 said,
 “Well,
 whether
 or
 not
 you
 know
 it,
 
you
 already
 have.”
 I’m
 not
 sure
 if
 she
 caught
 all
 of
 the
 subliminal
 
messages in everything I said, but I hoped so. We walked back
inside, and Sheila winked at me to see if I was okay. I was. I smiled
back at her to show her that everything was fine.

Mama
 said,
 “Fay
 said
 Tony
 has
 a
 little
 puppy
 love
 thing
 going
 on
 
at
 the
 baseball
 field.”

Anthony
 corrected
 her,
 “Baseball
 diamond,
 Grandma.”

She
 said,
 “Field,
 diamond,
 same
 thing.
 Who’s
 this
 little
 thing
 I’m
 
gon’
 have
 to
 give
 the
 once
 over?”

Anthony
 looked
 worried.
 I
 said,
 “It’s
 Brandy,
 Mama.”

“Whoow,
 Brandy.
 That’s
 an
 interesting
 name.
 
 
 Tell
 me
 about
 
this
 Brandy,
 Tony.”

He spilled his guts and told her all of what he knew. Mama had
this enchanted look on her face until right at the very end when
Anthony
 said,
 “Her
 father
 is
 a
 Bishop—Wesley
 Tatum.”

309

Mama looked like she just swallowed a rotten grapefruit. I
almost split my head wide open because I fell off my barstool from
laughing at the look on her face. If she had been Fred Sanford, that
truly
 would
 have
 been
 the
 big
 one.
 Auntie
 Fay
 said,
 “I
 know.
 Girl,
 it
 
surprised
 me
 to
 see
 it
 for
 myself.”

Mama
 still
 had
 this
 ‘what
 the
 hell’
 look
 on
 her
 face.
 The
 only
 
person who
 wasn’t
 cracking
 up
 was
 Vanessa.
 I
 just
 assumed
 she
 
knew. Sheila quickly pulled Vanessa off to the side to bring her up
to
 speed.
 As
 Sheila
 whispered
 in
 Vanessa’s
 ear,
 Vanessa’s
 face
 fell
 
step-by-step-by-step as Sheila went on. All Vanessa could say was,
“No.”
 Sheila
 nodded
 her
 head
 and
 kept
 whispering.
 Vanessa
 said,
 
“Ooooh,
 you
 are
 ly-ing.”
 She
 was
 in
 disbelief.
 Then
 she
 said,
 “My
 
grandmother
 always
 used
 to
 say
 the
 Lord
 don’t
 like
 ugly.”
 Sheila
 
kept
 whispering,
 but
 then
 Vanessa
 said,
 “But
 I
 got
 news
 for you,
honey.
 This
 is
 a
 small
 world.
 You
 gon’
 diiieee
 when
 I
 tell
 you
 this…”
 
When
 she
 whispered
 in
 Sheila’s
 ear,
 Sheila’s
 eyes
 bulged
 like
 I
 had
 
never seen them before. We all watched them, and I felt like a little
kid because I wanted to know what the secret was so bad.

Anthony stepped to me and gave me a nod to go into the living
room. He asked if he and I could be excused. Mama said yes and we
left.
 When
 we
 got
 there,
 he
 said,
 “I
 know
 what
 they
 are
 talking
 
about.”

“What?”
 I
 asked.

“Mr.
 Tatum
 messing
 around
 with
 Ms.
 Bev.”

I
 asked
 him,
 “Who
 told
 you
 about
 that?”

“Brandy.
 She
 knows
 her
 father
 was
 messing
 around
 on
 her
 
mother, and her mother does it, too. I saw Mr. Tatum trying to
holler
 at
 Aunt
 Florence.”

I could have fainted
 right
 there
 to
 hear
 that.
 I
 asked,
 “You
 saw
 
that?”

“Yeah,
 Daddy.
 Anybody
 with
 some
 jewelry
 or
 something
 like
 a
 
nice car or stuff like that is toast if Aunt Florence is around. The
only
 people
 she
 won’t
 steal
 from
 is
 you
 and
 Mom
 because
 Mom
 
threatened
 to
 kill
 her.
 She
 took
 Grandmommy
 Miller’s
 diamond
 

310

earrings
 and
 pawned
 ‘em.
 Mr.
 Tatum
 ain’t
 dealing
 with
 a
 dummy
 
with Aunt Florence. I told Brandy that her father is gonna get all he
planned
 for
 from
 dealing
 with
 Aunt
 Florence.”

I
 said,
 “Well,
 maybe
 it
 won’t
 turn
 out
 like
 that.
 Let’s
 just
 hope
 for
 
the
 best.”

Anthony
 looked
 at
 me
 and
 said,
 “Yeah,
 right.
 Aunt
 Florence
 ain’t
 
had a job since I was in second grade and she be high, flying like
Superman without the cape, all the time. People that usually
 don’t
 
get high start getting high after they hang around with Aunt
Florence.
 Aunt
 Gwen
 didn’t
 used
 to
 get
 high.”

The humor of that conversation left and I started to wonder
how truly ill the environment was that Vanessa had been brought
up in, or
 maybe
 is
 even
 still.
 Then,
 Vanessa’s
 cry
 to
 get
 away
 made
 
a lot more sense. Plus the thought of an old fake ass nigga,
imitation pastor motherfucker getting close to Bev did something
to
 a
 niggas
 stomach.
 
 I
 can’t
 even
 act
 like
 all
 the
 behavior
 I
 have
 
displayed publicly or otherwise has been model but there is a
whole new dimension of hell for niggas who perpetrate being a
representative of God while they are secretly fronting and doing
dirt.

When Anthony and I walked back into the kitchen, the look on
Sheila’s
 face
 said
 she
 knew
 what
 I
 knew.
 I
 was
 proud
 of
 the
 
inspiration Anthony had to try to make everybody happy, but that
madness was not and would not be made his problem. I made a
mental note to discuss things with Vanessa and compose some
type of plan to make sure that our son was influenced as little as
possibly
 by
 that
 mess.
 I
 didn’t
 want
 to
 arbitrarily
 forbid
 him
 from
 
dealing with Brandy. Not like they were trying to be married, but
that was something that I remember being discussed when people
didn’t
 think
 I
 was
 good
 for
 Vanessa.

311

Chapter 25

Before Sheila and I went to the mall, I called A-Plus to talk about
something. He was at home, and I knew I would have to go through
a little drama with him just because of what I was getting ready to
ask him. He and I had always been tight as flea pussy, but we had
thought it was best not to be seen together a lot after I pinched that
punk ass lawyer for doing Manny and Buster wrong. A-Plus was
who helped me get rid of the body. A lot changed that day. He and I
made some promises that would follow us to our graves or protect
the other should one of us die first. I made the mistake of making
that call from my cell phone and while I was in the truck with
Sheila. So much was happening in my mind all at the same time, I
just punched the numbers and pushed send. The phone rang and a
little
 girl
 answered.
 When
 I
 asked
 to
 speak
 to
 Aaron,
 she
 said,
 “Let
 
me get him. Daddeeee, some man is on the phone for
 you.”

I
 smiled
 really
 big.
 I
 had
 never
 seen
 Aaron’s
 children.
 He
 was
 
the
 only
 one
 of
 the
 old
 gang
 who
 didn’t
 get
 somebody
 pregnant
 in
 
our teens. That was a matter of luck, not safe sex. He was just as
liable to run up in something bareback as the rest of us were. Well,
the only person I really made a habit of having purposeful
unprotected sex with was Vanessa, and I confessed to myself that
Anthony’s
 conception
 was
 no
 mistake
 on
 either
 of
 our
 parts.
 No
 
matter how mad I wanted to be at Vanessa, I knew what I was
doing, too. But anyway, when Aaron came to the phone, he said,
“Aaron
 speaking.”

I
 asked,
 “You
 don’
 got
 soft
 on
 me,
 dawg?
 What
 happened
 to
 
‘speak
 up,
 fool!’?”

I was smiling and I was sure he was, too. He kind of chuckled
and said,
 “Little
 ears
 around
 here,
 dawg.
 I
 can’t
 say
 stuff
 like
 that.
 
they
 already
 mimic
 everything
 I
 do
 anyway.”

I
 asked,
 “Do
 they
 turn
 the
 fork
 upside
 down
 and
 scrape
 it
 across
 
their
 teeth
 when
 they
 eat
 meat?”

Aaron had a habit of cutting his meat and turning the fork
upside down. Then he would wipe the knife off with the meat and
get whatever juice, sauce, or gravy that was on the knife onto the
meat. Then he put the meat in his mouth, pulled the fork out, and

312

scraped it across his teeth. That used to kill people. I think he did it
just to get the reaction, and I wondered if he still did it. He
confirmed
 my
 suspicions
 when
 he
 said,
 “Yeah,
 they
 do
 it
 and
 it
 
drives
 Anita
 out
 of
 her
 mind,
 too.
 And
 I
 got
 me
 another
 one,
 too.”

I was cracking up. I asked,
 “What?”

“Ahhhhh.”

“What’s
 that?”

“You
 know
 after
 you
 drink
 something
 that
 really
 quenches
 your
 
thirst,
 it
 always
 tastes
 better
 if
 you
 say,
 ‘Ahhh’.”
 I
 shook
 my
 head.
 
I’m
 sure
 Sheila
 was
 wondering
 what
 we
 were
 talking
 about.
 She
 
knew that A-Plus and I only stayed in very loose contact, but she
knew that if he ever called on me, out the door I would go with no
questions
 asked.
 After
 I
 tried
 to
 stop
 laughing,
 I
 asked,
 “Ay,
 dawg,
 I
 
need
 a
 big
 favor.”

“Sho’
 nuff,
 call
 it.”

“I
 need
 you
 to
 dig
 that
 up.”
 He
 went
 silent.

I
 said,
 “A,
 are
 you
 still
 there?
 Did
 you
 hear
 me?”

He
 said
 sharply,
 “No!”

I
 asked,
 “No,
 you’re
 not
 there,
 or
 no,
 you’re
 not
 digging
 it
 up?”

“No
 to
 all
 that
 bullshit
 you’re
 talking
 about.”

I
 stumbled
 to
 say,
 “But
 you
 haven’t
 even
 heard
 me
 yet…”

“I
 don’t
 fucking
 care.
 No.
 Where
 are
 you?”

“I’m
 okay,
 A,
 man.
 This
 is
 different.”

“First
 of
 all,
 you’re
 on
 the
 phone.
 We
 wasn’t
 on
 the
 phone
 when
 
we
 made
 the
 deal.
 I
 don’t
 do
 business
 like
 that,
 dawg.
 And
 if
 don’t
 
nobody else but you and Tat know that, you better make for damn
sure
 in
 your
 mind
 that
 I’m
 solid.
 You
 better
 get
 to
 somewhere
 
somebody
 can
 see
 you
 and
 sit
 right
 there
 until
 I
 get
 there.”
 He
 
started
 crying
 as
 he
 said,
 “Don’t
 make
 us
 come
 looking
 for
 you,
 
dawg.
 You
 know
 I’m
 calling
 Tat
 as
 soon
 as
 we
 get
 off
 the
 phone.
 

313

Hey,
 don’t
 you
 ever
 fucking
 forget.
 A
 lot
 of
 stuff
 happened
 when
 
you
 left
 your
 circle
 of
 friends.
 Me,
 you,
 Tyrone,
 Rossie…Big
 Daddy
 
Faulks told us that we had what it took to make things a lot better
for
 a
 lot
 of
 people
 around
 us.
 The
 train
 don’t
 leave
 without
 you,
 
and
 you
 don’t
 leave
 without
 the
 train,
 dig
 it?
 Get
 somewhere
 and
 
sit
 down
 til’
 we
 find
 you.”

“I’m
 okay,
 Aaron,
 trust
 me.”

He screamed at
 me,
 “No,
 the
 last
 time
 you
 were
 okay,
 you
 went
 
out with that muthafucka, Concrete. Then the next time I saw you,
you had a bunch of tubes and machines hooked up to your head
and chest and shit. I wanted to go after whoever did it. Your mama
didn’t
 come
 to
 no
 baseball
 games,
 but
 you
 didn’t
 even
 know
 that
 
she came to you then. Me and Tyrone was standing up in there
looking
 all
 fucked
 up.
 She
 didn’t
 have
 to
 say
 it,
 but
 she
 looked
 at
 us
 
like we might as well have pulled the trigger our damn selves. And
we felt
 like
 that,
 too.
 We’re
 not
 doing
 that
 again,
 Eric.”

“But…”

“But,
 my
 ass!
 Get
 somewhere
 somebody
 can
 find
 you.
 where’s
 
Sheila?”

I felt like a little kid. I was sure Sheila saw the disappointed and
shamed
 look
 on
 my
 face.
 I
 answered
 him,
 “She’s
 right
 here.”

“Let
 me
 talk
 to
 her.”

I
 handed
 her
 the
 phone.
 She
 answered,
 “Hello.”

I could hear him talking, but I couldn’t
 hear
 what
 he
 was
 saying.

She
 answered,
 “We
 were
 going
 to
 look
 for
 a
 grill
 for
 a
 baseball
 
game.”

I tried to figure out what he was saying by listening to her
responses.
 She
 said,
 “I
 know
 he’s
 very
 smart.”

“No,
 a
 grill
 to
 cook
 some
 meat
 or
 something.
 Somebody’s
 daddy
 
had
 one,
 and
 you
 know
 he’s
 competitive…I
 don’t
 know.
 It
 couldn’t
 
cost
 that
 much…No,
 we
 don’t
 need
 to
 borrow
 any
 money…Not
 that
 
I
 know
 of…She
 was
 just
 at
 our
 house
 this
 morning,
 so
 unless
 

314

something happened in the last few hours,
 no…Her,
 too…Her,
 
too…Yeah,
 everybody.
 I’m
 serious.”

She
 chuckled
 and
 said,
 “No,
 seriously,
 everybody
 at
 the
 same
 
table…No,
 she
 didn’t
 come,
 but
 it
 wasn’t
 like
 we
 would
 have
 turned
 
her
 away…Why
 does
 something
 have
 to
 be
 wrong?...Not
 being
 
right
 doesn’t
 mean
 it’s
 wrong.
 Things
 could
 be
 in
 transition
 from
 
wrong
 to
 right.”

She
 laughed
 and
 then
 said,
 “I’m
 not
 trying
 to
 bullshit
 you.
 Look,
 
I
 don’t
 know
 what
 or
 why.
 I
 still
 don’t.
 All
 I
 know
 is
 that
 we’re
 on
 
our
 way
 to
 find
 a
 grill.”
 Then
 she
 got real quiet and somber for
almost two minutes as he spoke. When she looked at me, I knew he
had
 told
 her.
 She
 said,
 “Okay,
 we’re
 on
 our
 way.”
 She
 hung
 the
 
phone
 up
 and
 said,
 “Pull
 over.”

“Why?”

“Just
 pull
 over.
 I’m
 driving.”

I pulled over and switched seats with her. When she pulled out
into
 traffic,
 I
 asked,
 “What
 did
 he
 tell
 you?”

She
 didn’t
 answer
 me.
 She
 had
 a
 very
 upset
 look
 on
 her
 face.
 We
 
were
 going
 in
 the
 opposite
 direction
 of
 Aaron’s
 house,
 and
 I
 knew
 
exactly where we were going at the point when she got frustrated
because there was no off-ramp coming up. She swerved into the
left lane and slowed down. She looked at the dashboard and
searched for the button. I had never had to use the four-wheel
drive feature on my truck, but she found the button quickly. She
punched it and when the light blinked and went solid, she punched
the gas and went trodding through the thick grass and mud in the
center median. We came out of the grass on the other side of the
highway like Smokey from
 ‘Smokey
 and
 the
 Bandit.’
 She
 pushed
 
the four-wheel drive button again to go back to two-wheel drive
and
 stomped
 the
 pedal.
 We
 were
 flying.
 I
 said,
 “Sheila,
 slow
 down.”
 
She just cut her eyes at me and paid me no mind.

I knew where she was going. We pulled
 up
 in
 front
 of
 Aaron’s
 
house in about ten minutes, and it normally would have been a
twenty-five
 minute
 drive.
 Tat’s
 car
 was
 there,
 and
 to
 my
 surprise,
 

315

so
 was
 Mr.
 Washington’s
 Benz.
 She
 got
 out
 of
 the
 truck
 and
 said,
 
“They’re
 waiting
 for
 you.”

They
 were.
 Aaron
 didn’t
 waste
 any
 time
 with
 any
 pleasantries
 
or introducing anybody. Sheila tossed the truck keys to Tyrone,
and
 they
 all
 got
 in
 the
 truck.
 Russell
 said,
 “Come
 on.”

I
 looked
 at
 him
 funny
 and
 he
 said,
 “Yeah,
 they
 told
 me.
 Come
 
on.”

I
 got
 in
 the
 truck
 and
 Tyrone
 drove.
 Aaron
 started
 first,
 “What’s
 
the
 bullshit
 you
 sold
 Sheila
 about
 buying
 a
 grill,
 dawg?”

I
 tried
 to
 say
 innocently,
 “I
 need
 to
 go
 get
 a
 grill
 for
 Anthony’s
 
game
 tomorrow.”

Tyrone
 screamed,
 “Don’t
 no
 fuckin’
 grill
 cost
 that
 much.
 You
 
don’t
 dig
 up
 money
 meant
 ‘for
 the
 ones
 left
 behind’
 less
 you
 plan
 
on
 going
 somewhere.”

Aaron
 yelled,
 “Yeah,
 we
 can
 hunt
 you
 down
 and
 drag
 you
 back
 
from
 any
 place
 you
 might
 go,
 but
 we
 didn’t
 have
 shit
 to
 do
 with
 
bringing you back from where you tried to go the first time. You
explain
 to
 me,
 to
 us,
 what’s
 so
 bad.”

I
 knew
 what
 they
 thought.
 I
 just
 kept
 trying
 to
 say,
 “But,
 y’all,
 I
 
just
 wanted
 to
 buy
 a
 grill
 and
 some
 stuff.”

Russell
 asked,
 “Stuff?
 What
 kind
 of
 stuff? Bullets? Stuff like
that?”

Tyrone
 asked,
 “A
 grill,
 nigga?
 I
 got
 a
 grill
 and
 you
 can
 have
 it.
 
Now,
 what
 other
 stuff
 do
 you
 need?
 Don’t
 act
 like
 you
 don’t
 know
 
that
 A
 can
 get
 his
 hands
 on
 anything
 you
 need.”

I
 said,
 “He
 can’t
 get
 his
 hands
 on
 this
 kind
 of
 stuff.”

“Yeah,
 ‘cause
 you
 bullshittin’
 and
 the
 stuff
 you
 want
 ain’t
 
material. Because you know that if you could name it, I could get
it,”
 Aaron
 said.

I
 just
 finally
 broke
 and
 said,
 “Listen,
 y’all,
 I’m
 okay.
 I
 want
 a
 grill
 
to make some burgers
 and
 stuff
 at
 Anthony’s
 baseball
 game.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

316

The other stuff I need is a string of pearls, some diamond earrings,
and
 a
 quick
 plane
 ticket.”

Aaron
 quickly
 and
 sharply
 said,
 “You
 ain’t
 go-in no-where, dig
it?
 Nowhere!”

I
 said,
 “The
 ticket’s
 not
 for
 me;
 it’s
 for
 Cassandra.”

Aaron
 looked
 at
 me
 and
 asked,
 “What
 the
 fuck
 are
 you
 trying
 to
 
pull
 off?”

“My
 mother
 and
 everybody
 are
 trying
 to
 come
 to
 Anthony’s
 
game
 tomorrow.
 I’m
 going
 to
 try
 to
 get
 everybody
 together. Even
my
 real
 father
 might
 come.”

Tyrone
 pulled
 over
 and
 said,
 “See,
 that’s
 where
 your
 lie
 falls
 off.
 
You
 ain’t
 talking
 to
 motherfuckers
 who
 don’t
 know
 you
 and
 a
 
bunch
 of
 shit
 about
 you.
 The
 ward
 ain’t
 that
 fuckin’
 big,
 dawg.
 You
 
might not be proud of the fact that Melvin was your daddy, but that
was
 the
 daddy
 you
 got.
 I
 didn’t
 get
 one
 at
 all.
 I
 ain’t
 never
 seen
 the
 
nigga.
 He
 booked
 like
 Speedy
 Gonzales
 and
 ain’t
 nobody
 seen
 hide
 
nor
 hair
 of
 ‘is
 ass
 for
 thirty-five
 years.
 That’s
 what
 the
 dice
 had for
me,
 so
 that’s
 what
 I
 got.
 We
 talked
 about
 that
 shit
 on
 Tuesday.”

I
 said,
 “Nawl,
 my
 mother
 said
 that
 Melvin
 was
 Manny
 and
 
Buster’s
 daddy.
 She
 and
 Auntie
 Fay
 said
 my
 real
 father
 always
 
wanted to be around and stuff, so I figured I would at least let him
try
 to
 be
 a
 grandfather
 to
 the
 kids.”

Tyrone
 said,
 “See,
 you
 almost
 had
 me
 going
 for
 a
 second.
 You
 
and
 your
 mama
 don’t
 get
 down
 like
 that.
 You
 threw
 me
 when
 you
 
said
 Auntie
 Fay,
 but
 before
 I
 believe…”

Aaron
 cut
 him
 off
 and
 said,
 “Tat,
 I heard
 it
 from
 Sheila’s
 mouth
 
today.”

Russell sat there silently. I wanted to know what he thought
about
 it
 all.
 He
 interrupted
 and
 said,
 “For
 what
 it’s
 worth,
 after
 a
 
man
 truly
 matures
 and
 feels
 like
 he’s
 ready
 to
 settle
 down
 and
 
share the wealth and benefits of his years and experiences, there is
no better a recipient than to have a grandchild. The worst mistake I
ever made was not having children of my own. If your father wants
to
 be
 a
 grandfather
 to
 those
 kids
 and
 do
 it,
 not
 just
 string
 ‘em
 

317

along, you’ll
 be
 sick
 if
 you
 stand
 in
 the
 way.
 By
 the
 time
 Anthony
 
and Makayla and the little one have kids and you discover what
you
 did,
 you’ll
 be
 sick.”

Tyrone
 said,
 “Nawl,
 but
 if
 the
 nigga
 is
 trippin’
 he
 can
 stay
 where
 
he
 is.”

“Remember,
 we
 have
 to
 build
 from
 somewhere,”
 Russell
 
reminded him.

I
 spoke
 up,
 “I
 just
 want
 to
 buy
 a
 grill
 and
 some
 jewelry
 and
 try
 
to
 make
 things
 better
 for
 my
 kids.”

Aaron
 said,
 “Well,
 while
 we
 at
 it,
 tell
 us
 about
 this
 nigga
 you
 got
 
into a fight with over at Nessa’s.”

Damn, news in the ward travels fast.

I
 explained,
 “Nessa
 is
 finally…no,
 we…Nessa
 and
 I
 are
 finally
 
trying to put our old relationship to rest correctly, and she wants
to
 start
 her
 new
 life
 by
 going
 to
 fashion
 school.”

“So
 what
 do
 that have to do with some bitch ass nigga over
there
 trippin’?”
 Aaron
 asked.

“Man,
 I
 went
 over
 there
 in
 the
 middle
 of
 the
 night,
 and
 I
 just
 
really wanted to talk to her for a quick second and go on back
home.”

Aaron
 asked,
 “Where
 was
 Sheila?”

“At
 home,
 but
 listen.
 That’s
 part
 of
 what
 I
 wanted
 some
 of
 the
 
money
 for.”

“For
 bounty?”

“Nawl,
 fuck
 that
 dude.
 To
 send
 Vanessa
 to
 school.”

Tyrone
 said,
 “Vanessa
 don’t
 need
 no
 money,
 or
 she
 shouldn’t.
 
She took splits on everything she was involved in. you know we
didn’t
 ever
 play
 her
 like
 a
 background
 singer.
 Shit,
 Nessa
 is
 the
 
only girl I know who can hold water. Remember Treesie? She gave
that nigga Kelvin up quick as hell. The po-po’s
 threatened
 to
 take
 

318

her kids and put her in jail and there she went, telling. I was only
glad that I never got involved with a trick ass nigga like that in the
first
 place.
 But
 Nessa,
 nawl,
 she
 is
 tight…hold
 water
 like
 a
 canteen.
 
Eric, Nessa should still have money left. Matter fact, she got clean
money.”

Russell
 asked,
 “Tyrone,
 I
 thought
 you
 were
 having
 problems
 
paying your child support. If you have money stashed away, why
don’t
 you
 pay
 it?”

Tat
 explained,
 “Nawl,
 Russell,
 man.
 You
 don’t
 go
 run
 up
 in
 the
 
prosecutor’s
 office
 and
 try
 to
 pay
 them
 with
 evidence.”

“Huh?”
 Russell
 said.

I
 explained,
 “We
 got
 the
 money
 from
 the
 last
 two
 big
 licks
 we
 
pulled. You know how people talk about what they would do if the
back of a money truck swung open? Well, the three of us never
have to speculate about that. The first lick we pulled was to live on,
and the second one was to put money away for the ones left
behind.
 We
 all
 have
 a
 stash
 that
 it
 takes
 the
 other
 two
 to
 go
 get.”

Aaron
 explained,
 “Yeah,
 and
 you
 ain’t
 gettin’
 yours
 to
 go
 buy
 no
 
fuckin’
 grill.
 Russell,
 when
 he
 tried
 to
 kill
 himself,
 we
 went
 to
 get
 it
 
so his mama and Vanessa could be taken care of. When we got to
the hospital, Nessa was walking out with little Bingo all wrapped
up in a blanket. It was cold as hell outside. She had this look on her
face, and when we stopped her, she busted out into tears and told
us
 he
 didn’t
 die.
 We
 put
 the
 money
 back
 and
 that’s
 that.
 No
 more
 
losing
 faith.”

“Yeah,
 that’s
 why
 he
 can’t
 have
 the
 money.
 It’s
 so
 that
 after
 the
 
trouble we caused is over, we can leave something behind for the
ones
 that’s
 left.
 Ghetto
 insurance.”
 Russell
 snickered
 and
 shook
 his
 
head.

“What’s
 so
 funny?”
 I
 asked.

He
 said,
 “Ghetto
 insurance? Do you hear yourselves? You all
totally
 missed
 what
 I
 said
 in
 the
 office
 the
 other
 day,
 didn’t
 you?
 
You
 all
 are
 being
 brought
 on
 because
 I
 am
 tired.
 I
 am
 old,
 and
 it’s
 
time for me and Shirley to travel and do other things. The ghetto

319

insurance you need is in your own abilities to define yourselves
and maintain a strong structure of unity in your community. The
business is a business as far as the building and all of the physical
facilities go. I preserve that because it has so much value to all of
the people
 who
 work
 there
 and
 benefit
 from
 it.
 But,
 I’m
 giving
 the
 
‘business’—the true business part of it—to you all. The mind part
of
 it,
 that’s
 your
 insurance.
 Microsoft
 is
 only
 Microsoft
 because
 Bill
 
Gates is running it. Now of course, it would still run because they
have a Board of Directors and all that, but the brain of it started
with
 Bill
 Gates.
 Washington
 Shipping
 didn’t
 start
 in
 the
 mind
 of
 
Russell Washington; it started in the mind of Calvin Washington,
my grandfather. I just carried the already-lit torch forward. My
grandmother used to say you can do no good with ill-gotten
money, but even outside of that, what the hell good is it to have
money
 you’re
 too
 afraid
 to
 spend?”

Tat
 commented,
 “You
 got
 a
 point
 because
 I
 be
 so
 scared
 to
 
break one of them
 hundreds
 that
 you
 couldn’t
 get
 a
 needle
 up
 my
 
ass with a jackhammer. And now they got the big faces coming out,
too.”

Russell
 said,
 “Screw
 that
 nonsense.
 Either
 find
 something
 to
 do
 
with
 the
 money
 that
 won’t
 get
 you
 caught
 up,
 or
 leave
 it
 where
 it
 is
and
 forget
 about
 it.”
 We
 all
 laughed.
 He
 asked,
 “What’s
 so
 funny?”

I
 answered,
 “You
 don’t
 know
 how
 much
 money
 it
 is.”

He
 asked,
 “Who
 cares?”

“You!”
 we
 all
 said
 in
 unison.

“Why
 me?
 I
 didn’t
 have
 nothing
 to
 do
 with
 it.”

I said, “Yeah,
 but
 you
 were
 trippin’
 about
 the
 trailers.”

Russell
 asked,
 “Y’all
 hit
 a
 lick
 for
 that
 that
 much?”

Aaron
 bragged,
 “Man,
 they
 don’t
 call
 me
 A-Plus for nothing. I
don’t
 pull
 no
 stupid
 licks.
 I
 plan,
 re-plan, have A, B, C, and D plan,
and then I
 plan
 all
 that
 backwards.”

Russell
 said,
 “Well
 then,
 why
 don’t
 we
 do
 this?
 Come
 up
 with
 a
 
foundation to rebuild the community. Put books in schools.

320

Provide lunches. Buy dress clothes for people to interview and go
to
 work
 in.
 all
 the
 stuff.
 It
 doesn’t
 have to happen overnight. Slow
walk
 it.”

That sounded good to me, but I still needed to hurry and get
back
 to
 this
 grill
 buying.
 I
 said,
 “Okay,
 now
 that
 we
 got
 that
 settled,
 
can
 I
 go
 buy
 my
 son’s
 baseball
 team
 a
 grill?”

Aaron
 said,
 “Not
 with
 that
 money,
 you
 can’t.
 That’s
 for
 the
 kids
 
and
 the
 ones
 left
 behind.”

I
 argued,
 “Who
 else
 do
 you
 think
 would
 be
 the
 recipients
 of
 the
 
grill?”

Tyrone
 looked
 at
 me
 and
 said,
 “You
 don’t
 need
 that
 much
 
money
 to
 buy
 a
 grill
 and
 some
 jewelry.”

Russell
 said,
 “Charge
 it
 to
 your
 company
 card
 and
 we’ll
 get
 it
 
worked
 out.”

Aaron
 agreed,
 “Yeah,
 that
 sounds
 better.
 And
 we’re
 coming
 to
 
this
 game,
 so
 there
 better
 be
 some
 grillin’
 and
 shit
 goin’
 on
 real
 
strong.”

When he pulled back around to his
 house,
 I
 asked,
 “Russell,
 how
 
did
 you
 get
 here
 so
 fast?”

He
 answered,
 “I
 was
 over
 at
 the
 rib
 shack
 and…”
I
 interrupted
 him,
 “You
 were
 at
 the
 rib
 shack?”
“Yeah.
 How
 come
 I
 can’t
 go
 to
 the
 rib
 shack?”
I surrendered my prejudice and
 told
 him,
 “Never
 mind.”
“Never
 mind
 is
 right,
 shit.
 Y’all
 better
 get
 him
 before
 I
 tell
 him
 
something,”
 he
 jokingly
 told
 the
 others.
They all cracked up. Sheila walked to the car with Anita by her
side. They looked concerned.
Aaron
 said,
 “It’s
 okay.
 He
 just
 wanted
 to
 buy
 a
 grill.”

321

Sheila rolled her eyes and Anita did, too. Russell got out of the
truck
 and
 yelled
 to
 Keisha,
 “Hey,
 Keisha,
 sweetheart,
 I
 got
 your
 ribs
 
in
 the
 car.
 They
 might
 be
 cold
 by
 now,
 but…obviously somebody
don’t
 think
 I’m
 entitled
 to
 go
 to
 the
 rib
 shack!”

Everybody looked at me like I had done something wrong. I
asked,
 “What?
 Why
 are
 all
 y’all
 looking
 at
 me?”

Tat
 stepped
 close
 to
 me
 and
 whispered,
 “Don’t
 bullshit
 me,
 
dawg. It better be some burgers and shit going on tomorrow. Tell
your
 Auntie
 Fay…no,
 I
 forgot
 you
 can’t
 tell
 Auntie
 Fay
 shit.
 Ask
 
Auntie
 Fay
 if
 she’ll
 help
 you
 make
 those
 big
 ole
 hamburgers
 she
 
made when we were kids. You know—the ones with the onion
soup and stuff inside.”

I
 said,
 “I’ll
 see.”

“See,
 you
 tryin’
 me
 already,”
 he
 smiled.
 “Go
 get
 the
 grill,
 dawg.”

Sheila and I got back in the truck, and she insisted on driving.
She
 turned
 the
 music
 off
 and
 said,
 “You
 know,
 people
 around
 here
 
really care about you. Good, bad, or whatever, they love you. Why
couldn’t
 you
 see
 that?”

“I
 didn’t
 love
 myself.
 We’ve
 been
 over
 this
 ten
 thousand
 times.”

She
 smiled
 at
 me
 and
 explained,
 “I
 just
 needed
 to
 remind
 you
 
that
 we’ll
 go
 over
 it
 three
 hundred
 times a day if we have to. We
love
 you,
 Eric.”

I
 didn’t
 say
 anything
 back.
 I
 reclined
 my
 seat
 and
 closed
 my
 
eyes until we got to the mall. When we got there, Sheila drove
around and around the parking lot trying to find a spot in the front.
As she drove around,
 she
 asked,
 “Why
 were
 they
 so
 worried
 about
 
you
 buying
 a
 grill?”

I
 answered,
 “It’s
 got
 nothing
 to
 do
 with
 the
 grill.
 I
 just
 said
 the
 
wrong
 thing
 and
 they
 were
 on
 point.”

“What
 did
 you
 say?”

322

I
 didn’t
 want
 to
 open
 that
 subject
 with her, or at least I would
have
 rather
 us
 discuss
 it
 at
 home,
 so
 I
 asked,
 “Can
 I
 just
 tell
 you
 at
 
home?
 I
 just
 want
 to
 get
 in
 here
 and
 buy
 the
 grill.”

She
 looked
 at
 me
 and
 said,
 “Come
 on.”
 She
 didn’t
 answer
 my
 
question; in Sheila-ese that meant we would definitely talk about it
later.

323

Chapter 25

The mall was packed. I thought that was strange for a Friday
morning but then again, it was the summer. I went straight to the
department store where the guy said he got the grill. Sheila wanted
to stop and look at other things. I had to grab her hand and drag
her through the mall like Makayla or somebody. When I got to the
store with the grills, it was like opening up the Arc of the Covenant.
The salesman showed me all the features of the grill. When he
pulled
 the
 lid
 off,
 it
 was
 like
 I
 heard
 the
 choir
 chant,
 “Aahhh.”
 He
 
showed me how it hooked into the trailer hitch and then asked,
“Do
 you
 have
 a
 trailer
 hitch?”

I
 wanted
 to
 say,
 “Motherfucker,
 do
 I
 have
 a
 trailer
 hitch?
 Nigga,
 I
 
said I had a truck.
 Who
 the
 fuck
 would
 buy
 a
 truck
 that
 don’t
 have
 a
 
trailer
 hitch?”
 But
 instead,
 I
 looked
 at
 him
 like
 I
 wanted
 to
 punch
 
him
 in
 his
 jaw
 and
 said,
 “Yeah,
 I
 have
 one.”

He
 showed
 me
 how
 to
 empty
 the
 coals,
 etc.,
 and
 asked,
 “Do
 you
 
have
 chairs?”

Chairs? I thought, What the hell is he talking about, chairs?
Sheila rolled her eyes. The salesman walked away and came back
with
 some
 lawn
 chairs.
 He
 unfolded
 one,
 sat
 down,
 and
 said,
 “You
 
obviously
 have
 never
 tailgated
 before.”

Okay,
 so
 I
 hadn’t,
 but
 still.
 I
 played
 it
 off
 and
 asked,
 “What
 else
 
you
 got?”

He
 asked,
 “What
 are
 you
 going
 to
 keep
 your
 meat
 in
 until
 it
 hits
 
the
 grill?”

I
 thought
 it
 was
 a
 trick
 question,
 so
 I
 answered,
 “The
 wrapper
 
or
 a
 bowl
 or
 something.”

He wagged his finger and shook his head in pity. Sheila sat
down.
 She
 must
 have
 known
 I
 was
 on
 the
 end
 of
 the
 salesman’s
 
line getting reeled in like a big blue marlin. He stood up, went to
get
 a
 cooler,
 and
 said,
 “You’ll
 need
 two,
 maybe
 three.
 Got
 kids?”

“Yeah.”

“Little
 kids?”

324

“Yeah.”

“Three—popsicles, treats, and things for the kids in one; side
dishes
 in
 another;
 beer
 and
 other
 adult
 things
 in
 the
 third
 one.”

I
 thought
 about
 it
 and
 said,
 “Nah,
 it’s
 for
 my
 son’s
 baseball
 game.
 
They
 don’t
 have
 alcoholic
 drinks
 out
 there.”

He
 didn’t
 look
 fazed.
 He
 said,
 “Baseball,
 huh?
 Baseball
 and
 
football
 dads
 are
 the
 worst.”

Sheila
 agreed,
 “Tell
 me
 about
 it.”

The
 salesman
 said,
 “Oh,
 a
 soccer
 mom
 is
 third
 on
 the
 list.”

I licked my tongue out at her. The salesman tried to sell me
everything. I guess he really thought he had a sucker on the line,
but I showed him. I only left there with two grills, three coolers, a
grill tools kit, a fire extinguisher, six lawn chairs to match the grill,
and a little swimming pool for the kids. And I really got over
because they had a purple one that was supposed to be for the
Kansas State University Wildcats. I told him I was going to walk
through the mall and pull my truck up to the loading dock after a
little while. That way he could get it all packed up.

Sheila and I walked around the mall, and I was happy. She could
look at all the girly things she wanted to after that. She even
dragged
 me
 into
 lingerie
 stores,
 but
 I
 didn’t
 mind
 being
 there.
 
Anything bought out of there was really for me, anyway. She went
by the makeup counter, and we smelled every new perfume and
cologne that they had. I wanted to stop at the baby store to look for
some things for Makayla and Brian, but the sports store caught my
eye first. When we walked past it, Sheila saw my head turn and
said,
 “Damn,
 I
 thought
 you
 were
 going
 to
 miss
 it.”
 I
 grabbed
 her
 
hand, and when I saw all of the sweatpants and other things in
there, I lost my mind. I pulled out the phone and called Auntie Fay.

“Auntie
 Fay?”
 I
 said
 when
 she
 answered
 her
 phone.

“Yes,
 baby.”

“What
 size
 shoe
 do
 you
 wear?”

325

“Why?”

“Just
 what
 size,
 Auntie
 Fay?
 And
 what
 about
 Mama?”

She
 whined,
 “What
 are
 you
 doing,
 boy?”

“I
 want
 to
 buy
 you
 some
 shoes.
 Does
 this
 have
 to
 be
 so
 
difficult?”

“Boy,
 please.
 I
 don’t
 wear
 all
 that
 ole
 FUBU
 and
 stuff.”

“Auntie,
 there’s
 nothing
 wrong
 with
 FUBU.
 That
 means ‘For
 Us
 
By
 Us.’
 It’s
 a
 company
 owned
 by
 four
 brothers.”

“Boy,
 you
 wish
 you
 would
 see
 me
 walking
 down
 the
 street
 with
 
my underpants showing in the back. Those little girls even do it
now. Some of them are my age and they walk around with low-cut
tops and
 sagging
 pants…”

“Auntie
 Fay,
 it’s
 shoes,
 okay?”

Ahhh, Mama and Auntie Fay can be so exhausting. Sheila just
stood
 there
 laughing,
 but
 I
 didn’t
 see
 what
 was
 so
 funny.
 I
 wanted
 
to make sure everybody was dressed in Panther colors and looked
like a united front. So, I endured all the strife and sang my words as
I
 asked,
 “Auntie
 Fay,
 would
 you
 mind
 if
 I
 bought
 you
 some
 spirit
 
clothes
 for
 the
 game
 tomorrow?”

Sheila palmed her forehead and acted like I had really stepped
in it then.

Auntie
 Fay
 asked,
 “What
 kind
 of
 spirit
 clothes?
 Clothes
 don’t
 
have
 nothing
 to
 do
 with
 your
 spirit!”
 she
 snapped.

“No,
 Auntie
 Fay,
 I
 meant
 spirit
 like
 cheering
 for
 Anthony’s
 team,
 
spirit.”

She
 hesitated
 and
 said,
 “You
 better
 not
 try
 to
 dress
 me
 up
looking crazy, boy. Buy something tight, and you can expect to see
my
 strap.”

“What
 size,
 Auntie
 Fay?”

“Seven
 for
 me;
 five
 for
 Dorothy.
 Get
 us
 a
 hat,
 too.”
326

“You—a
 hat?”

“Did
 I
 stutter,
 boy?
 Get
 some
 hats.
 Oh,
 did
 you
 call
 Gloria?”

My
 eyes
 bulged.
 I
 almost
 really
 did
 it.
 I
 said,
 “Thank
 you,
 Auntie.
 
I
 was
 about
 to
 really
 look
 past
 her.”

She
 said,
 “Well,
 make
 sure
 you
 do
 everything
 you
 can
 to
 make
 
EVERYBODY
 comfortable.”

She
 was
 right.
 I
 said,
 “Okay.
 Hey,
 I
 need
 to
 go. I gotta call
Vanessa.”

Auntie
 Fay
 said,
 “Don’t
 you
 do
 that.
 You
 call
 Gloria
 yourself.”

She
 knew
 what
 I
 was
 thinking.
 Damn,
 I
 hadn’t
 spoken
 to
 
Vanessa’s
 mother
 in
 a
 long
 time.
 It
 was
 always
 like
 she
 just
 kind
 of
 
tolerated me. She never went out of her way not to be hospitable
or to be downright funny, but I knew and she knew that we
weren’t
 friendly
 by
 any
 means.
 I
 didn’t
 even
 have
 her
 phone
 
number. I remembered what it used to be, but I thought it would
have changed. I walked out of the store and called the old number.
The phone picked up, and it sounded like a telephony system. A
man’s
 voice
 spoke,
 and
 it
 sounded
 like
 he
 was
 breathing
 heavy.
 
Then it hit me. Shit! That was Dodo! I took a deep breath and said,
“Uh,
 hello,
 Phillip.”

“Yes.”

“Hey,
 uh.
 This
 is
 Eric.
 I’m
 uh,
 calling
 to
 invite
 you
 and
 Ms.
 Miller
 
to
 Anthony’s
 baseball
 game,
 and
 I’m
 also
 at
 the
 mall
 buying
 some
 
shirts and things, and I wanted to know if you all would come and
if
 you
 needed
 a
 shirt.”

He must have been shocked
 because
 he
 didn’t
 say
 anything.
 I
 
felt
 like
 I
 was
 about
 to
 piss
 on
 myself.
 I
 hadn’t
 spoken
 to
 him
 in
 
years and way back then, I rushed to say hi and get the hell out of
there. On the other end of the phone, there was too much silence. I
called,
 “Phillip…Phillip…”

The phone clicked. Ms. Miller picked it up and asked with an
attitude,
 “Who
 is
 this?”

327

I
 was
 nervous
 as
 hell.
 I
 answered,
 “It’s
 Eric…Eric,
 Ms.
 Miller.”

She
 said,
 “Umm.
 Hello,
 Eric.
 How
 may
 I
 help
 you?
 Vanessa
 isn’t
 
over
 here.”

“I
 uh…I
 didn’t
 call
 for
 Vanessa.
 I
 called
 for
 you…to
 invite
 you
 to
 
Anthony’s
 baseball
 game
 tomorrow.”

“Baseball
 game?”

“Yes,
 ma’am.
 And
 to
 ask
 if
 you
 wanted
 a
 t-shirt or a cap to
support
 the
 team?”

She giggled. I wondered what was going through her mind. She
asked,
 “Eric,
 son,
 what
 do
 you
 have
 up
 your
 sleeve?
 What
 is
 
Vanessa
 not
 doing
 that
 you
 want
 her
 to
 do?”

“It’s
 nothing
 like
 that,
 Ms.
 Miller.
 I
 just
 want
 Anthony
 to
 have
 all
 
the support he can get, sort of like I wanted for myself when I was
young.”

“You
 mean,
 like
 you
 want
 for
 yourself
 now?
 Eric,
 I’ve
 never
 
known
 you
 to
 do
 anything
 that
 didn’t
 serve
 some
 selfish
 purpose.”

I
 tried
 to
 defend
 myself
 and
 said,
 “People
 grow
 up
 and
 become
 
better and wiser, Ms. Miller. I want my son to feel the support I
didn’t.
 I’m
 not
 making
 any
 excuses
 for
 anything
 I
 did;
 I
 just
 want
 to
 
make
 things
 in
 the
 future
 better.
 I
 don’t
 think
 it
 would
 do
 me
 any
 
good to beg you, but I would do it if I thought I would get
somewhere by doing it.”

“A
 baseball
 game,
 huh?”

“Yes,
 ma’am.”

“You
 got
 my
 grandbaby’s
 head
 all
 gassed
 up
 about
 playing
 for
 
the
 Yankees?”

I
 didn’t
 know
 how
 to
 answer
 that
 question
 without
 leaving
 
myself
 open
 for
 a
 pitfall.
 I
 just
 said,
 “He
 wants
 to
 play
 in the major
leagues.”

328

She
 sucked
 her
 teeth
 and
 said,
 “You
 better
 do
 everything
 you
 
gotta
 do
 to
 help
 him
 get
 there.”

I
 smiled
 with
 relief
 and
 said,
 “That’s
 why
 I’m
 calling.”

She
 said,
 “Umm,
 hum,
 hold
 on.”

I
 put
 my
 hand
 over
 the
 phone.
 Sheila
 asked,
 “What
 is
 she
 
saying?”

I
 whispered,
 “Shhhh.”

Ms.
 Miller
 said,
 “Who
 you
 shushing?”

“Not
 you,
 Ms.
 Miller.
 Um,
 I’m
 at
 the
 mall
 and
 I’m
 getting
 some
 
shirts and other things. Do you want me to pick you and Do....I
mean
 Phillip…a
 hat
 and
 t-shirt?”

She
 must
 have
 leaned
 over
 to
 talk
 to
 Phillip
 and
 asked,
 “He
 
wants
 to
 know
 if
 you
 want
 a
 shirt
 and
 hat.”
 She
 came
 back
 on
 the
 
phone
 and
 said,
 “Phillip
 says
 he
 would
 like
 a
 t-shirt,
 thank
 you.”

“And
 you?”

“I’ll
 be
 fine.”

“But
 you’ll
 come,
 right?”

“Did
 I
 say
 I
 wasn’t
 coming?”

“No,
 ma’am.”

“Okay,
 then.
 Listen,
 Eric.
 We
 need
 to
 go.
 We’ll
 come
 to
 the
 
game.”

“Yes
 ma’am.”

“We’ll
 see
 you
 then.”

I hung up the phone
 after
 I
 said,
 “Yes
 ma’am.”

I
 closed
 the
 cover
 on
 my
 phone
 and
 took
 a
 deep
 breath.
 I
 wasn’t
 
so enthused about shopping after that, so I had to sit down and
take
 a
 break.
 Sheila
 sat
 next
 to
 me
 and
 hugged
 me.
 I
 didn’t
 even
 

329

want to talk about it. I bought the shoes, shirts, sweats, and hats
and left. We went to the truck and got the grill and all the stuff that
went with it. I just wanted to go home and lay down.

As Sheila and I walked to the parking lot, we passed some
brothers dressed like members of the Black Panther party
speaking to a crowd of people. I wanted to just keep walking, but
for
 some
 reason
 the
 brother’s
 comment
 about
 reparations.
 
 He
 was
 
preaching to the crowd about what white people owed to black
people, and I had heard similar comments. I was surprised when
someone from the crowd asked what people should or could do if
we ever got any monetary relief. But then, another sister asked
what we as a group—or we as individuals—needed to do in the
meantime. I automatically wanted to go meet the brother in the
black beret and invite him to the Man of the House meetings. I felt
like his perspective might be good food for thought, at the very
least. Sheila and I both stood there and listened to the discussion.
The group of people was talking about money and how much was
owed or how much people should be given and where it should
come
 from.
 Sheila
 surprised
 me.
 I
 knew
 she
 didn’t
 have
 any
 
problems asserting herself in any environment. I guess I should
have expected her to do it, but before I knew what was going on,
she stepped into the center of the group and addressed everybody
like she was their mama. She stood there twisting and gesturing
with her hands and making eye contact with each and everybody.
She looked at them, but I felt like she was speaking to me. She
asked,
 “Do
 you
 all
 see
 and
 hear
 yourselves?
 This
 would
 be
 so
 
wonderful if somebody could record it and let you watch it. There
are
 at
 least
 sixty
 people
 in
 this
 crowd.
 You’re
 assembled
 at
 a
 mall.
 
None of you own any of this property, and the people walking by
are not paying attention to you any more than just looking at the
spectacle
 you’re
 making,
 and
 building
 even
 more
 stereotypical
 
judgments
 of
 what
 they
 feel
 black
 people
 as
 a
 whole
 want.”

A very nice looking and seemingly smart
 lady
 said,
 “Sister,
 
change is not something that any of us can take for granted. The

330

word struggle accurately describes what the process is, as
struggle.”

My
 baby
 asked
 her,
 “Change
 as
 far
 as
 what?”

The
 woman
 responded,
 “Anything,
 everything, something, as
much
 as
 we
 can
 get.”

Sheila
 smirked
 and
 said,
 “Change
 starts
 here
 [she
 pointed
 to
 her
 
heart].”
 She
 held
 her
 hand
 out
 to
 suggest
 that
 I
 come
 to
 her
 and
 
said,
 “Come
 here,
 sweetheart.
 My
 name
 is
 Sheila
 Grimes,
 and
 this
 is
 
my husband, Eric. We come from totally different backgrounds,
and
 over
 the
 course
 of
 our
 marriage
 we’ve
 dealt
 with
 everything
 I
 
could ever dream of in a marriage and then a bunch of other stuff
that
 I
 never
 would
 have
 dreamed
 of.
 I’m
 saying
 all
 of
 this
 because
 a
 
community is like a big house. When we finally got down to
repairing the small things that are deeply rooted in our minds and
personalities and concentrated on within, we began to experience
changes and development that surpassed our expectations of
ourselves and
 each
 other.
 Just
 like
 my
 husband
 and
 I
 couldn’t
 
change or control social issues with broken spirits and souls, as a
community,
 we
 can’t
 change
 or
 control
 a
 capitalist
 society
 with
 a
 
small drop in the bucket of money. You all were talking about
reparations. The operative part of that is the word repair—to
make right and restore to a sound condition after damage or
injury. How can any of us truly expect a society of people that
makes use of our dysfunction to want to help us be better? This
man, my sweet, sweet husband, has battled for most of his life with
family members and people who he expected to have an interest in
his health to help him be better. But, for all of the things and bad
obstacles
 we’ve
 had
 to
 endure
 in
 our
 short
 marriage,
 I
 stay
 because
 
I understand that so many of those people are sick themselves.
Misery loves company. Whether you all understand it or not, you
are not going to receive assistance from people who are sick and
can’t
 heal
 themselves
 first.
 This
 is
 my
 man.
 He
 is
 a
 man,
 complete
with insecurities, strengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilities,
everything; but he is just a man. He is representative of black men
as a whole, and I am likewise as a black woman. When we have
issues
 or
 problems,
 we
 don’t
 need
 to
 come
 out
 here
 and
 shout
 and
 
discuss them and waste energy in public forums. We take care of
personal business at home. That way, when we have battles or

331

wars to wage against outside forces, we come out strong. I think
y’alls
 effort
 is
 noble,
 but
 in
 my
 opinion
 we
 could
 all
 use
 our
 
resources more wisely. It was nice to meet you all. I salute you,
because my husband and I have some personal and social
developments that need to be handled that came to mind as a
result
 of
 seeing
 you
 all
 gathered
 here
 today.”

I
 didn’t
 care
 if
 I
 looked pussy whipped or whatever. I was proud
of what Sheila said and how she said it. She made her point, and I
felt a lot better about what had transpired on the phone with
Vanessa’s
 mother.
 We
 got
 the
 grill
 and
 everything
 else
 and
 drove
 
home. As I drove, Sheila held my hand. Every few minutes, she
would kiss my hand. At one point, she leaned over to cuddle her
head on my shoulder, and I fell in love with her all over again for
the ten thousandth time.

When we got to the house, I unpacked everything and
organized the already stuffed garage so that I could get it all back
in the truck in the morning. The highlight of the morning came
when Makayla walked out to the garage, tagged me, and yelled,
“You’re
 it,
 Daddy!”
 She
 ran
 away
 laughing
 and
 feeling
 obviously
triumphant. I was sure that she had been frustrated by not being
able to catch Anthony, so I stopped what I was doing and slowly
ran after her. She was hiding under the kitchen table, trying to be
as quiet as she could. Brian gave her away, although I knew where
she was all the time. He easily walked under the table standing
straight up and bonked her over the head with his toy hammer that
had
 a
 horn
 on
 it.
 She
 yelled,
 “Stop,
 Brian,
 you
 cheater!”
 She
 crawled
 
out from under the table and he followed. He was happy and
giggling,
 but
 she
 wasn’t.
 I
 didn’t
 tag
 her.
 Instead,
 I
 asked,
 “You
 want
 
some
 ice
 cream?”

Her eyes bulged. Maritsa sat at the table and looked on in pity.
She
 said,
 “When
 she
 turns
 out
 to
 be
 a
 blimp…”
 I
 didn’t
 respond;
 I
 
just dipped the ice cream. I dipped Maritsa a bowl, too. She smiled
and
 thanked
 me
 and
 said,
 “Trying
 to
 shut
 me
 up
 won’t
 solve
 the
 
issue of a little spoiled girl whose Daddy never tells her no. trust
me
 I
 know
 from
 experience.”

She raised her eyebrow and ate a spoonful of ice cream. Brian
was in my lap, demanding to have ice cream scooped into his

332

mouth
 faster
 than
 I
 thought
 he
 could
 swallow
 it.
 I
 asked,
 “What’s
 
that
 supposed
 to
 mean?”

Maritsa smiled, shook her head, and
 said,
 “She’s
 my
 own
 
daughter so I can talk about her. Her Daddy would not tell her no
to
 anything.
 I’m
 surprised
 that
 she
 is
 as
 objective
 as
 she
 is.”
 Sheila
 
must have overheard her mother talking as she walked into the
kitchen, sat at the table with Makayla, and took a bite of her ice
cream.
 Of
 course,
 Makayla
 complained.
 Sheila
 said,
 “She’s
 the
 pot
 
calling the kettle black. Daddy doted over Mom, and she loved
every
 minute
 of
 it.
 Makayla
 will
 be
 just
 fine.
 She’ll
 be
 like
 me
 and
 
Celia.
 She’ll
 expect
 men
 to
 treat
 her
 like
 she’s
 seen
 you
 treat
 me,
 
and
 she’ll
 fell
 about
 herself
 like
 she
 sees
 me
 feel
 about
 myself.
 I
 
wouldn’t
 have
 married
 anybody
 who
 I
 didn’t
 think
 could
 treat
 me
 
like
 I
 want
 and
 deserve
 to
 be
 treated.”

That
 puzzled
 me
 because
 she
 couldn’t have known that when
we
 met.
 I
 asked,
 “How
 could
 you
 have
 been
 so
 sure
 about
 that
 
when
 you
 met
 me?”

“I
 wasn’t.
 I
 didn’t
 have
 to
 make
 all
 of
 the
 decisions
 I
 did
 about
 
you
 on
 the
 day
 I
 met
 you.
 Plus,
 I
 knew
 how
 I
 felt
 about
 myself.”

She looked at me in a funny way, so I knew she wanted to end
the conversation at that. Brian distracted me from saying what I
wanted to say by pulling the apron and flipping the ice cream up
on
 my
 neck.
 “Brian,
 ouh,”
 I
 moaned.

He thought it was funny. He is the happiest baby I have ever
seen.
 He
 didn’t
 express
 any
 dissatisfaction
 until
 I
 had
 to
 put
 him
 
down. Then he curled his legs up and stiffened his body out; I
picked him back up. Maritsa looked at me in pity again and said,
“You
 better
 stay
 healthy
 because
 you’ll
 have
 to
 keep
 this
 
overindulgence of your children going for a long time. Then, by the
time
 you
 feel
 like
 you
 need
 to
 break
 them
 of
 it,
 you’ll
 really
 have
 
your
 work
 cut
 out
 for
 you.”
 Sheila
 rolled
 her
 eyes.

As we all wrapped up the little ice cream eating affair, Anthony
walked in brushing his hair and trying to flex the little muscle tone
he
 had
 built
 up.
 Maritsa
 looked
 back
 at
 him
 and
 said,
 “Speaking
 of
 
the
 devil.”

333

Makayla ran to Anthony, caught him slipping, tagged him hard,
and yelled, “You’re
 it!”
 Then
 she
 ran
 away
 and
 hid
 behind
 Sheila.
 
He
 asked,
 “Hey,
 why
 didn’t
 somebody
 call
 me
 for
 ice
 cream?”

Maritsa
 had
 this
 satisfied
 and
 ‘I
 told
 you
 so’
 look
 on
 her
 face.
 I
 
changed
 the
 subject
 and
 asked,
 “Hey
 Anthony,
 are
 you
 ready
 for
 
the game
 tomorrow?”
 Maritsa
 shook
 her
 head
 and
 smirked.

Anthony’s
 eyes
 brightened
 more
 than
 they
 already
 were
 as
 he
 
smiled
 and
 answered,
 “Everybody’s
 gonna
 show
 up
 this
 time,
 and
 
I’m
 pitching.”

I
 said,
 “There’s
 gonna
 be
 a
 lot
 of
 people
 coming
 to
 see
 you, so
you
 have
 to
 really
 keep
 your
 head
 and
 play
 like
 a
 champion.”

He
 looked
 at
 me,
 read
 my
 expressions
 and
 asked,
 “Who—more
than
 us
 and
 Mom?”

I
 answered,
 “Grandmaw,
 Auntie
 Fay,
 Grandmother
 Miller,
 Uncle
 
Phillip…”

He looked at me suspiciously when I said Grandmother Miller
and
 Uncle
 Phillip.
 “Who
 told
 you
 that?”
 he
 asked
 me.

“I
 invited
 them,”
 I
 explained.

“That
 doesn’t
 mean
 they’re
 gonna
 come.”

I nodded my head to show him that I had confirmed that they
would be there. He
 walked
 over
 to
 sit
 in
 Maritsa’s
 lap.
 She
 hugged
 
him and kissed the back of his head. I tried to keep a happy and
positive
 look
 on
 my
 face
 when
 I
 added,
 “My
 real
 father
 is
 coming,
 
too.”

He
 looked
 disappointed
 and
 got
 ready
 to
 get
 up
 out
 of
 Maritsa’s
lap and walk away, but she held him down. He wrinkled his face
and
 said,
 “That’s
 not
 funny.
 And
 if
 y’all
 are
 going
 to
 come
 and
 make
 
a
 scene,
 I
 won’t
 play.”

“No,
 son,
 it’s
 not
 like
 that…”
 He
 cut
 me
 off
 and
 said,
 “Daddy,
 you
 
and
 Grandmaw
 Miller
 don’t get
 along.
 You
 can’t
 roll
 a
 wheelchair
 in
 
the stands. Stuff was going pretty good with Grandma and Auntie
Fay.
 Why
 mess
 it
 up
 now?”

334

For
 a
 second,
 I
 didn’t
 know
 how
 to
 answer
 him.
 Then
 I
 said,
 “We
 
have
 to
 start
 somewhere.”

He quickly retorted, “We
 already
 started
 somewhere.”

Maritsa
 whispered,
 “Listen,
 Mijo,”
 in
 his
 ear.
 He
 started
 to
 tear
 
up and grit his teeth. Of course, I teared up, too. Sheila came to sit
by me and hold my hand. I kind of felt like I was in a battle to make
Anthony understand something that might hurt his feelings, but I
knew that I had to fully explain it because if not, he would
eventually be hurt much more.

I
 said,
 “Anthony,
 I
 hate
 to
 put
 all
 this
 on
 your
 back,
 but
 you
 are
 
the only thing we all agree on. When Mom
 and
 I
 don’t
 talk,
 I
 don’t
 
even
 have
 to
 guess
 if
 she’s
 going
 to
 treat
 you
 right.
 Vanessa
 and
 I
 
fuss
 about
 things
 between
 us,
 but
 we
 don’t
 ever
 fuss
 over
 anything
 
about you. Even Phillip was receptive when I asked if he wanted a
t-shirt for your game tomorrow.”

He was looking away before he heard that. he looked up at me
and tears ran down his cheeks. Maritsa whispered in his ear,
“You’re
 okay.”

“You
 went
 over
 there?”
 he
 asked
 through
 a
 cracked
 voice.

“No,
 I
 called
 from
 the
 mall.”

He
 didn’t
 speak
 for
 a
 couple
 of
 seconds.
 When
 he
 did,
 he
 said,
 
“Uncle
 Dodo
 hasn’t…uh
 Philli…Uncle
 Phillip
 hasn’t
 been
 out
 of
 the
 
house
 farther
 than
 the
 front
 porch
 in
 a
 long
 time.”

I
 said,
 “I
 didn’t
 know
 that.”

He looked at Sheila, then back
 at
 Maritsa,
 and
 said,
 “Who
 said
 
Melvin
 wasn’t
 your
 real
 father?”

“It’s
 a
 long
 story,
 son.”

“The
 game’s
 not
 until
 tomorrow,
 Dad.”

“I
 only
 have
 sketchy
 answers.
 I
 figured
 we
 would
 find
 out
 a
 lot
 
more
 tomorrow,”
 I
 explained.

335

“I
 won’t
 be
 able
 to
 hear
 anything
 y’all
 say.”
I looked at Maritsa and Sheila. They must have been thinking
something similar to what I was. Anthony was right. I thought
about
 it
 for
 a
 second.
 Then
 I
 said,
 “I
 just
 found
 out
 the
 other
 day,
 
but this is really not something that I have all the details to
explain.”
Sheila
 said
 to
 me,
 “Just
 let
 him
 talk
 to
 your
 mother
 and
 ask
 his
 
own
 questions.”
He
 looked
 very
 suspicious
 as
 he
 asked,
 “Well,
 what
 happened
 to
 
Melvin,
 then?”
Maritsa quickly answered,
 “Let
 her
 offer
 her
 own
 explanation
 
for that. There could be a lot to be disputed in your translation or
your
 interpretation
 of
 what
 went
 on.”
I decided to go ahead and let him ask his questions and get
answers directly from my mother. He was on the phone for quite
some time, and every time I walked by to see if he had hung up, he
seemed
 to
 be
 attentive
 and
 very
 interactive.
 I
 heard
 him
 ask,
 “Well,
 
why
 Grandma?”
 a
 couple
 of
 times.
 She
 must
 have
 had
 good
 
answers
 because
 he
 didn’t
 seem
 upset.
 I
 only
 got worried when I
saw
 him
 hanging
 up.
 He
 started
 to
 cry
 and
 said,
 “Okay,
 bye…yes,
 
ma’am…I
 love
 you,
 too…I
 will…he
 keeps
 walking
 by
 so
 I’ll
 make
 
sure
 I
 tell
 him…yes…yes…I
 love
 you…bye.”

336

Chapter 26

As I watched Anthony talk, I daydreamed about how everybody
must or should be able to feel better after we had all cleared all the
skeletons out of our closets. By my perspective, weå had even
seemed to have moved beyond the old notion of somebody being
an elder and therefore, the premise of deserving respect would
dictate that we excuse them for things done or disregarded when
we were wronged by someone who was our senior. I still felt like
there was a lot of value in the experience and wisdom gained from
peoples’
 lives,
 but
 that
 didn’t
 necessarily
 exempt
 them from being
innocently incorrect or at times, purposely misguided or down
right wrong. There had been different times when I was just down
right wrong, and I knew of other times when other people had
been so as well.

I hoped Mama found it easier to tell Anthony some of the things
that she always held out on me, Manny, and Buster. I figured she
could talk to him easier because he was far more mature at twelve
years
 of
 age
 than
 I
 was.
 Not
 only
 that,
 but
 she
 didn’t
 have
 the
 issues
 
with him like she did with me. I was very glad to watch his facial
expressions change as he talked on the phone to her. He was still a
normal twelve-year old boy for all intents and purposes, and I
wanted to keep it that way for as long as I could.

I got confirmation of my notions when he sat down beside me
on the couch after he hung up to have a man-to-man talk. He said,
“Daddy.
 I
 was
 told
 to
 remind
 you
 that
 your
 childhood
 was
 a
 matter
 
of things people either did or did not do to provide opportunities
for you to be a complete
 person.
 Grandma
 said
 she
 didn’t
 mess
 up
 
because
 she
 didn’t
 go
 to
 baseball
 games.
 She
 said
 she
 messed
 up
 
because
 she
 didn’t
 teach
 you
 to
 love
 yourself.
 She
 said
 she
 set
 bad
 
examples,
 and
 after
 too
 long
 she
 didn’t
 want
 to
 do
 all
 that
 it
 might
 
have taken to clean up the mess. She said she was trying to avoid
the pain, and God showed her how much more painful it is if she
doesn’t
 avoid
 it.
 She
 thinks
 God
 took
 Uncle
 Manny
 and
 Uncle
 James
 
because
 she
 wasn’t
 doing
 what
 she
 needed
 to
 be
 doing
 as
 a
 parent,
 
and
 that’s
 why
 He
 almost
 took
 you,
 too.
 She
 told
 me
 about
 Melvin,
 
too.”

I
 asked,
 “What
 did
 she
 say
 about
 him?”

337

“That
 being
 with
 him
 was
 about
 her
 self-hatred.”

“That’s
 what
 she
 said
 about
 him
 or
 herself?”

“She
 said
 it
 never
 really
 was about him. She said hatred is when
people
 figure
 out
 that
 somebody
 they
 think
 or
 expect
 to
 love
 ‘em
 
really
 don’t.
 Then
 you
 get
 mad
 and
 scared
 because
 losing
 that
 
feeling like somebody loves you is painful. If your mama—the one
person in the world who is supposed to love you—doesn’t,
 and
 you
 
find
 out,
 you’re
 gonna
 hate
 yourself.
 That’s
 what
 she
 said.
 If
 she’s
 
right,
 that’s
 probably
 what
 happened
 to
 Mom
 and
 Grandma
 Miller.
 
Uncle
 Phillip
 was
 a
 little
 boy
 before
 too…”

“Yeah,
 he
 was
 a
 little
 boy
 and
 people picked on him and nobody
protected him, so he learned to survive in the world he saw himself
to be in. He did what I did. We both did what I hope and pray that
you
 and
 Brian
 will
 never
 have
 to
 do.”

I was feeling bad enough already, but Anthony broke me down
like
 a
 shotgun
 when
 he
 asked,
 “Hey,
 Dad?”

“Yes.”

“Do
 you
 think
 I’ll
 hate
 myself
 too
 because…”

The look on his face really did it. He was searching for an
answer, and I needed to do anything and everything, no matter
what it cost me, to provide it for him. I knew where his mind was
going. I know my son, and he had always held himself responsible
to make peace among us all. I thought hard, but not so long before I
cut
 him
 off
 and
 said,
 “Son,
 you
 are
 a
 combination
 of
 all
 the
 things
 
all of us messed-up
 people
 love
 about
 ourselves.
 That’s
 why
 I
 try
 to
 
steer you toward things I have good memories of and protect you
from the things that haunt me. Nessa and other people do it, too.
They
 do
 that
 for
 things
 they
 don’t
 like
 about
 themselves
 or even
each other. Sometimes we judge each other and disagree with
somebody’s
 perspective,
 so
 we
 try
 to
 pull
 you
 to
 our
 side
 and
 keep
 
you from being hurt by things we think somebody has done or will
do.
 I’ll
 admit
 that
 I
 don’t
 like
 Florence
 and
 them
 around you
because I think the things they do will rub off on you and hurt you
in some way. Grandma Miller probably tries to get you to forget

338

about baseball because she thinks my dreams of playing for the
Yankees
 messed
 up
 my
 life
 and
 Vanessa’s.”

“No
 she doesn’t.”

“Well,
 either
 way,
 at
 different
 stages
 of
 your
 life,
 you’ll
 see
 more
 
of it in different people. Nessa treats you like a baby because the
best times of her life were when you were a little baby. Even times
when I treated her bad, she was happy to be your
 mom.”

“Like
 Grandma
 said
 she
 was?”

“Yeah,
 I
 guess.”

“Why
 do
 you
 guess?”

“Anthony,
 you’re
 a
 good
 son.
 You
 are
 the
 kid
 people
 would
 love
 
to
 have.
 I
 wasn’t.”

“That’s
 not
 what
 she
 said.
 She
 said
 you
 were
 perfect.
 Said
 y’all
 
were what made her better, but she looked for Melvin and other
people
 to
 show
 her
 who
 she
 was.”

“Well,
 take
 it
 from
 me,
 Anthony.
 Mama
 provided
 for
 us
 and
 right
 
or
 wrong,
 we
 never
 went
 without
 anything
 we
 needed.
 We
 didn’t
 
have all the things we wanted, but we had shoes and food that we
needed.”

“So,
 how
 come
 y’all
 don’t
 get
 together
 and
 talk
 because
 you
 
seem
 to
 love
 her
 and
 she
 seems
 to
 love
 you,
 but
 y’all
 don’t
 tell
 each
 
other?”

“Uh,
 it’s
 kind
 of
 funny.
 There
 is
 a
 lot
 of
 pain
 and
 mixed
 up
 
emotions.”

“It
 doesn’t
 sound
 mixed
 up
 to
 me.
 It
 sounds
 like
 Mom
 always
 
says.
 She
 says
 you
 don’t
 know
 how
 much
 she
 loves
 you,
 but
 when
 I
 
talk to you, it sounds like you do. You say the same stuff about her.
You know how after me and Clarence got into a fight in the third
grade
 and
 after
 that,
 we’ve
 been
 best
 friends
 even
 after
 they
 
moved
 to
 Dallas.”

339

“Well,
 maybe
 so,
 but
 see…that’s
 why
 I
 started
 out
 saying
 what
 I
 
was saying. We all want the best for you like we wanted for
ourselves. We hope that is how you build the love for yourself.
You’ll
 really
 see
 it
 from
 the
 women
 in
 your
 life
 when
 you
 start
 
dating and trying to pick a wife. Boy, Nessa and Grandma Miller,
and Mama and Auntie Fay are going to be all over whoever you
bring
 home
 because
 they’ll
 want you to pick somebody who loves
you
 like
 we
 all
 do.
 We’ll
 want
 you
 to
 have
 somebody
 who
 loves
 you
 
and
 cares
 about
 you
 as
 much
 as
 we
 do
 or
 better,
 if
 that
 is
 possible.”

“Like
 Mama
 Sheila
 does
 for
 you?”

“Just
 like
 that.
 See,
 that’s
 because
 we
 want the things for you
that
 we
 would
 have
 wanted
 for
 ourselves.
 I
 guess
 that’s
 how
 we
 try
 
to make sure you love yourself. We make sure the world knows
that
 you
 deserve
 to
 be
 loved
 in
 the
 highest
 way,
 and
 we
 won’t
 
accept
 anything
 less.”

“But
 what
 if
 I
 mess
 up…?”

“No!
 If
 you
 mess
 up,
 there
 is
 always
 tomorrow
 or
 the
 next
 day.
 
That’s
 where
 I
 had
 it
 wrong.
 This
 might
 not
 be
 the
 right
 answer,
 
but
 even
 when
 I
 don’t
 love
 myself
 at
 times,
 I
 love
 you
 and
 Makayla
 
and
 Brian.
 That’s
 how
 I
 stay
 alive,
 son.
 None of you all can mess up
enough to make me not love you, okay? No matter what you do. I
don’t
 have
 to
 like
 everything
 you
 do
 to
 love
 you,
 and
 if
 I
 see
 you
 
making
 mistakes,
 it’s
 my
 obligation
 to
 help
 you
 correct
 yourself.
 
That goes for me, too. People get all mixed up in this stuff about
elders
 being
 correct.
 That’s
 not
 always
 true.
 Many
 older
 people
 can
 
be trusted for their motivations and intent, but you are part of a
newer, smarter generation of children. We have to listen to you
because you can teach us about ourselves. Plus, the world is
changing, and we need to try to view things through your eyes
before we fly off making decisions. So, to answer your question, no,
I
 don’t
 think
 you
 hate
 yourself
 or
 will
 hate
 yourself.
 But
 if
 you
 find
 
any aspect of who you are that you are not happy with, please
come
 to
 me
 first.
 Please,
 Anthony,
 please
 don’t
 be
 afraid
 to
 come
 
talk
 to
 me.
 I
 don’t
 want
 you
 to
 be
 like
 me,
 all
 out
 there
 in
 the
 world
 
feeling
 alone
 in
 a
 big
 crowd
 of
 people,
 okay?”

He
 asked,
 “So
 if
 I
 love
 myself,
 are
 you
 gonna
 be
 okay?”

340

I
 thought
 about
 that
 and
 answered,
 “Well,
 that’s
 part
 of
 it.”
My son. My wonderful son still protected me like he always had
and
 said,
 “Then,
 that’s
 my
 part.
 And
 I
 promise
 to
 always
 do
 my
 
part,
 Dad.”
 He
 pointed
 to
 his
 tattoo,
 did
 his
 sign
 for
 ‘a
 homerun
 for
 
my
 Dad,’
 and
 hugged
 me
 real
 big.
 My
 son
 was
 setting
 the
 example
 
of manhood that I, nor anyone else, had set for me before. No
matter how I got it, I was damn glad to get it. Thank you, Eric
Anthony Grimes.

341

Chapter 27

Until that night, the many times when God had spoken to me or
tried to get my attention, it was like somebody trying to attract me
in
 a
 club
 by
 going,
 “Pssst,
 psst,
 PSSSST,
 hey
 buddy!”
 I
 did
 just
 like
 
most people would do—ignored it and walked on so many times.
But my skull had really thinned over the last five weeks, and it just
seemed like I had finally paid enough attention to the small things
in my life to be able to discern between the real shit and the
bullshit and maintain a functional inventory of all the experiences.
I anticipated that the next day would be one of the most exciting
and pivotal days in my life and in the lives of so many other people
around
 me.
 I
 didn’t
 know
 what
 I
 would
 say
 to
 who
 or
 whom,
 
whichever is the correct grammar. It must have been the look on
my face or the fact that Sheila knew me so well, because while I lay
in the bed wide awake, she walked by me and smiled without
saying
 anything.
 Even
 though
 she
 didn’t
 speak,
 I
 knew
 she
 loved
 
me. I knew it, and that was something that was very new to me to
be able to articulate in the present sense. I was in such a fog that it
seemed like she was hovering across the floor and not even
walking. When she closed the door and all of the background noise
was shut off, I sat up to all of the innocent silence of the moment
and opened a heart-to-heart verbal conversation with God. First, I
asked for forgiveness. My heart felt better as soon as I did it. It kind
of felt like a daydream-type video, but if ordinary daydreams were
like
 a
 regular
 video,
 this
 one
 was
 like
 ‘Smooth
 Operator’
 or
 
‘Thriller’
 in
 the
 days
 when
 other
 people
 were
 using
 those
 weather
 
screens for special effects. I felt like a little boy being led back
through a walking tour of my old memories and the stuff that
happened to my mother and other people before I was born. It was
truly an out-of-body experience, but it was more than just my
body.
 I
 was
 dreaming
 that
 I
 was
 out
 of
 Buster
 and
 Manny’s
 bodies
 
as
 well.
 I
 was
 out
 of
 Vanessa
 and
 Sheila’s
 bodies,
 and
 I
 was
 out of
Anthony,
 Makayla,
 and
 Brian’s
 bodies
 also.
 It
 was
 so
 frightening
 
because
 I
 had
 always
 tried
 to
 imagine
 things
 from
 Anthony’s
 
perspective.
 Seeing
 things
 from
 Makayla’s
 perspective
 was
 very
 
difficult.
 I
 didn’t
 want
 people
 doing
 the
 type
 of
 things
 to
 my
 
daughter that I did to Vanessa or other people. And what shook me
in my boots all the way down to the very last fiber of my being was
wondering if I had been able to get myself together fast enough to

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