00 pdf complete book

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

night at his new apartment so he could talk about
something that troubled him. It couldn't have been
too earth-shattering a subject because I don't
remember what It was. But we were up until late at
night. So when it came time to put the problem to bed,
we put ourselves to bed - separate twin beds, mind you.

During the night as I slept. Jim decided to make
his move; and I imagine something he had been
leading up to for some time; that which I was totally
unaware. Without realizing what had happened.
because I was sleeping, he sexually assaulted me. I
am hesitant to use the term "rape" only because it has
a connotation of male/female. His penetration was
beyond painful, to say nothing of the scar it has left in
my memory for so long. When I realized what was
happening to me, and that I wasn't having a nightmare,
I panicked. I remember leaving in the early morning
hours while it was still dark, but I don't remember
exactly what I did after the assault. I don't recall

391

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

trying to reason with him (how could I?), nor did I call
the police (I was only 17) and I certainly couldn't tell
my parents.

For years after this brutal attack, the thought of
making love to a woman brought such painful
memories, that I couldn't bring myself to even consider
taking anyone out. The physical pain I went through
was something I thought I would be inflicting on
someone if I were to make love to her. I couldn't bear
that thought. My only recourse: make love as little as
possible so as not to re-open wounds in my own mind.
There were times when I was going out with someone,
that I wanted to have intercourse in the worst way.-
sometimes so bad that my erections literally hurt, but
one thought of that night years before was like taking
a cold shower,

Needless to say, I did not have sex with anyone
from that night until I met your mother and although I
am proud to say there has never been any other than

392

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

your mother, I am ashamed and embarrassed about the
reasons. People who I have told about the incident try
to convince me that I have nothing to be ashamed or
embarrassed about, but I suppose I will always feel this
pain.

When your mother and I married, she did not know
about this attack. She could never figure out why we
made love so infrequently. Oh, God, if she had only
known; if I had only said something, instead of
harboring it in the back of my mind for so many years.
Throughout our married life, I had hoped and prayed
that maybe, by some miracle, I would forget, but you
never do. One evening in May 1986, while your
mother and I were in bed, she was trying so hard to be
loving, and to get me to respond to her, but I couldn't.
She became upset, after having been married so long,
about the infrequency of our love making. It was not
uncommon for us to refrain from sexual activity for 3-
4 weeks. Sometimes longer, sometimes shorter - but

393

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

not much. As she became emotionally upset, I felt the
time was right to tell her what had happened 23 years
before.

I told her that I had reason to wonder about my
own sexuality, about my own feelings and emotions
about women. This startled her, as she wondered what
I was talking about. I began to cry uncontrollably, at
which point she KNEW something was wrong. This
was not just an ordinary case of my not wanting to
have sex. We had a major problem. and it was about
to be brought to a head. I told her what happened, and
we cried together. All these years, I had wondered
how, if ever, I would bring this out into the open. I
never dreamed it would be like this. Not that there IS
a time and a place for this kind of news, but I just didn't
think it would be under such stressful situations. As I
told her, I could feel myself being raped all over again,

We were both emotionally drained, and it wasn’t
until 2:00 AM that we finally fell asleep. This was not

394

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

good, because it was in the middle of the week, and we
had to get up the next morning for work. When we
arose, I could still feel the strains of the night before,
wondering how I would make it through the day. I
couldn't let it stop there, I had to tell someone else.
now that it was out in the open. But now that the hard
part was over, so I thought, perhaps close friends
would understand, too, and I, at the same time, could
get used to the fact that someone other than myself,
knew.

The friends I shared this news with were very
supportive of my plight, and without going into details
about who I told and what they said, they let me come
to them as true friends, and I hope someday you have
the same quality of friends who can come to you or
you to them if the needs arise.

I do want to share some thoughts about you, Katie.
As you know, raising you has been, to say the least, an
experience. You are a lovable little girl to everyone

395

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

who knows you, but especially to me. Besides being
pretty, you are intelligent and warm and thoughtful.
We couldn't figure out why, in your first 5 years, why
your behavior was the way it was. We attributed it to
be an extension of the terrible twos. How long would
this go on? Until the terrible teen's? Your mother and
I couldn't live with that.

You had been suspended more than once from
Pinecrest School for various infractions of their rules:
Stealing. hitting teachers, throwing things. All in all,
doing things that normal 5-year olds didn't do. I spent
more time on the couch with Dr. Hal (Dyer) than I ever
expected, which he in turn, called a "learning
experience" for him and his two kids. It may have been
a learning experience for him, but for Mom and me, it
was a royal pain in the butt.

In February 1985, when you had just turned five
the previous December you had been diagnosed with
A. D. D. (Attention Deficit Disorder) and

396

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

hyperactivity. We had you seen by a psychotherapist
for a few months before that, and then by a psychiatrist
who made the final diagnosis and was able to prescribe
some medication for you. He first had you on
Benzedrine, which after just 2 days, had to be changed
because your personality and emotional status made us
all crazy. It was heartbreaking for me as your daddy
to see you go through such strife at so young an age,
but I would do anything I could to help you. Talking
to friends about our home life and how it was affected
by your hyperactivity was a great help - especially
during the day time, and then I had your mother with
me at night to talk things out in the evening.

It has been a rough adjustment, and your
medication was changed to Ritalin, which, as I write,
you are still taking. It has made a tremendous
difference in your emotional state, but your
personality has a habit of sneaking through and
sometimes makes us think you have not taken the

397

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

medicine, or that it's not working.
I hurt for you every time I see the medicine not

working, and I have at times thought I was failing you
as a lather; so much so that, as you may remember,
there were many times I would scold you. and yell
more than I should. This hurts me because you are my
flesh and blood, and I don't like the feeling yelling at
you gives me. It tightens me inside and makes me feel
very bad.

Do you remember, Katie, the time you angered me
so badly that as I went to spank you while you stood
in the doorway of your bedroom, you moved, and my
hand slammed into the door jamb and broke my
finger? It still is not the same and hurts ever so slightly
during cold weather. Not only did it physically hurt
me, it destroyed me inside to think I got so angry at
you that I did damage to myself. What could I have
done to you?

In February 1985, before you started medication,

398

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

you were suspended from school for stealing money
from the teacher's desk. It was not the first time you
had been in trouble, which is why you were suspended.
When we got home, as I told you I would do if this
happened again, I called the police. Although I lead
you to believe that I was going to leave you there, (as
you recall, I had you take your sleeping bag and
pillow), when I called the police, I asked them if I
could bring you down to the station to talk with you.
The officer on the phone asked me how old you were
since I had told him you were caught stealing at
school. I'm sure he thought I was talking about a
teenager who couldn't be controlled, and I'm also sure
he was shocked when I answered, "Five,” He told me
to bring you in.

Before we left, this house was In turmoil. Scott
was hysterical because he thought you were going to
jail; Mom was upset at the thought of what was
happening; and I was torn up inside at the thought that

399

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

I was taking my little girl to the police because I
couldn't do anything anymore to help. I felt as though
my heart was being ripped from within.

But I stood my ground and took you.
When we got there, and as you recall, holding your
pillow in one hand, and dragging your Strawberry
Shortcake sleeping bag in the other, Officer Williams
was told what happened, and I must say, I have never
heard you more quiet or serious. You were really
frightened, and I can't say I blame you. We went back
into a room where they did their preliminary
investigation of criminals. and he talked to you for a
few minutes about the seriousness of stealing. We
then took a tour of the police station (keep in mind this
was at 8:00 at night during the week, when police
stations don't normally do this). As we walked past a
holding cell where a woman was waiting. you were
told that she, too, was in there for stealing. Being an
adult, though, she didn't get the 1 hour tour. She

400

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

probably got 8 months in jail. As long as I live, I will
never forget the horrified look on your little face as
you looked at that woman in the cell. You still talk
about it from time to time, so I know it made an
impression on you. But It made an impression on ME,
too, because I felt as though somehow, I had let you
down in your upbringing. Those who I told what I did
said I did the right thing by carrying through what I
told you I would do. It was one of the hardest things
I have ever had to do in my life.

I will not dwell on the problems I have had with
you, Katie; they are actually normal kid problems that
I as a parent and adult have trouble coping with
sometimes. Sometimes it's me, and not you. Please,
my darling daughter, know how much I love you, no
matter what.

Sometimes my life is not what it should be, and all
the things that happen cause me great depression at
times and I become not only unpleasant to be with, but

401

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

unhappy with myself. I try very hard not to let this
depression sneak over into my dealings with friends or
Mom, but sometimes it does, and since a lot of people
have been involved with my personal life. they
understand.

As people differ, so do brothers and sisters. Scott
was a different kind of person to raise, although he was
not without his problems. For as long as I can
remember, Scott was not the most pleasant person to
be around when he was tired. Oh, the many arguments
we had with him as he was growing up, trying so hard
to stay out of his way when he was tired. When he got
angry about something, there were times I really
feared for myself because as he grew, he became
bigger and stronger. I remember once he was so angry
he flew out of the house, broke the window in the front
door, and I flew after him down the street, grabbed him
by the tail of his T-shirt, and he simply kept on going,
leaving me to hold the shirt in my hands, literally

402

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

grabbing the shirt off his back. I stood there
dumbfounded and very frustrated.

Throughout Scott’s school life, he has always
taken a serious interest in his studies, which has made
me very proud of him, and as I write this, now that he
is maturing into adulthood at nearly 20 years old and
in college, his aspirations of being a teacher really
make me realize what a good man he is turning into.

I am very proud of both of you, for each of you has
taken major strides in your growing up and your
maturity levels. I have every reason to believe you
will both become magnificent parents and wonderful
friends.

In August 1996, for reasons I would prefer to leave
in your minds and mine, your mother and I decided
that the time for us to part had arrived. Through
circumstances that were unavoidable, our home
became disrupted with the idea that I would be leaving.
My life was in complete turmoil, and I had no idea

403

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

what to do or where to go. My mother came to my
rescue, and I have been living with her ever since. The
adjustment has been very hard, but it has been a
successful one, I think for all of us. It ripped me apart
to pack my belongings and leave my home of over 20
years, my wife of 27 years, and my children.

All my life, I knew I was different. As far back as
when I was 13, I realized that I had more of an
attraction towards other men than I did for women. I
don't know why; I don't know that any gay man can
tell you why. It had nothing to do with my upbringing,
my social habits, or anything that I can think of. I
thought of myself as a freak, and when your mother
and I married in 1969, it was, naturally, the thing to do
back then, but moreover, I felt that these feelings
would go away if I were to marry, but they didn't. I
thought that they would go away if I were to have
children, but they didn't. Don't get me wrong. I
wouldn’t have changed anything from the way they

404

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

were. Having had you two children was the best thing
my life could have ever asked for.

When the closet door was opened (I don't like to
say I “came out”…..I was sort of “forced out”) as
hurtful as it was, you can't imagine the weight that had
been lifted off my shoulders. For as long as I can
remember, I have wanted to share this with others, but
because it is such a personal matter and one to be dealt
with delicately, I just haven't been man enough to deal
with it. I find now, though, that I am very comfortable
with myself as a human being, and as far as being your
father, that has not nor will it ever change. I am still
the same loving man I always have been and always
will be. Your mother and I had not really had a
pleasant marriage these last few years anyway; I
would say we sort of drifted apart, so now seemed the
ideal time to get on with our lives separately, and
perhaps more happily. To my knowledge, your
mother is not seeing anyone socially, and as for me, I

405

DEAR CHILDREN On A Personal Note

don't really have anyone to be with or to spend time
with, but that's okay. At my age, it's doubtful that I
ever will, but as long as I have my children who love
me and understand me and don't turn me away, what
more do I need?

I’m not about to dwell on issues like this that
cannot be changed, but I felt it important to share with
you the thoughts that are going through my mind, and
to let you know that although we may be separated,
your mother and I remain wonderful friends, and
always will.

Oh, that guy on the cover with me? That’s Pop,
your stepfather. Just when I thought I’d be alone for
the rest of my life, he pops in 21 years ago.

We were married July 24, 2013.
I love this man.

406

DEAR CHILDREN Our Family Tree

Our Family Tree
For many years I have wondered, as many
people have with their own families, where our family
was from, how did we get our last name, what’s the
story?
Who are we??
My mother, Shirley, and her brother Charles
Robert, now Bob, were raised in Los Angeles. They
were born in Denver...at least I know my mother was,
but unsure about Uncle Bob.

407

DEAR CHILDREN Our Family Tree

Their parents, Maurice and Irene moved from
New York. My grandfather’s family is unknown to
me. Grandma was born July 26, 1901, and her mother,
my great grandmother, was Pepe, probably born
around 1880. My great grandfather was Leopold
probably born around the same time. My great great
grandmother was Bertha, and likely born in the 1850s.
I don’t know who my great great grandfather was

My dad’s side of this history is very convoluted.
He was always very private while I was growing up.
Every time I would ask him about his family life and
his childhood, he would always say, “Oh, I don’t
know” and leave it at that. For years we tried to get
him to “come clean” but he never did, and I am
suspecting he didn’t have a real good childhood. But I
never knew.

One day years ago, I was cleaning out his file
cabinet, and I came across his original birth certificate
that stated his name as Garland Allen Axe.

408

DEAR CHILDREN Our Family Tree

This piqued my interest. Axe??
Being my nosy self, I became very curious.
Where did the name Dardenelle come from? I had
assumed that my grandmother, Louise Dardenelle,
made the name up for her compositions and musical
writings.
Included in this birth certificate find, there was
a legal change of name document where my father had
petitioned the courts to change his name from Axe to
Dardenelle, legally. He requested this name change in
the early 1970s. This was starting to open a can of
worms. My mother had told me that this was because
he could not apply for a passport because he had no
legal document stating his last name was Dardenelle.
He knew all along what his last name was; how could
he not? We always got the “Oh, I don’t know” when
we asked him about his family. A natural thing,
knowing my grandmother’s name was Dardenelle,
why did her children take on that last name if that

409

DEAR CHILDREN Our Family Tree

wasn’t even her name. We could never get a straight
answer.

Well along comes the internet. In 2019 I decided
to do some research about our last name and here’s
what I found out:

Dardenelle was the name of my great
grandfather, Jacques Dardenelle (who by the way had
a brother, Francois Dardenelle) who emigrated from
France, born in approximately the 1860’s or 1870’s.

Jacques was married to Lady Melissa Hobbs,
who at this juncture I know nothing about. Jacques and
Melissa Dardenelle bore Juanita Cary Louise
Dardenelle. Louise married James Hutichison Axe.
These were my paternal grandparents. James’ father
was Allen Axe, for whom James and Juanita named
one of their sons...Allen Axe...my father.

James’ mother was Rebecca Axe, for whom my
aunt Jeanne was named. My aunt was Jeanne Rebecca
Dardenelle.

410

DEAR CHILDREN Our Family Tree

James and Juanita bore 5 children. James, Jr.,
my uncle, named after their father, Anita Louise, my
aunt Riri (as we called her...and why I don’t know).
My aunt was named after her mother Juanita,
shortened to Anita. Louise was the middle name of my
grandmother.

Allen, my father, was named after his
grandfather, Allen Axe. My uncle Saxie was named
Eton Royal, and why we don’t know. Also don’t know
why his nickname was Saxie.

My aunt Jeanne was named after their
grandmother, Rebecca Jeanne.

We suspected that when my grandmother
Louise (she took on her middle name professionally)
divorced from her husband with the last name of
Molyneaux, she took back her maiden name of
Dardenelle and so named all of her children
“Dardenelle”

411

DEAR CHILDREN Our Family Tree

We had thought for many years that Grandma

Louise took the pseudonym of Dardenelle as a name

she concocted because it sounded lyrical and poetic.

She was very much into the arts and music so that just

sounded like a good solution as to why she was a

Dardenelle.

The other story is much juicier, don’t you think?

So here’s the tree:

Allen Axe and Rebecca Jeanne Axe *
Great grandparents

James Axe, Sr, and Juanita Louise
Dardenelle *
Grandparents

James Axe, Jr and Bernita *
Uncle and aunt

No children

Anita Louise Axe * Aunt

Rosemary Jeanne (Arjay)
*

First cousin

412

DEAR CHILDREN Our Family Tree

Allen Axe and Shirley Richards
*

Parents

Allen Dardenelle, Jr.
Brother

Allen Dardenelle III

Robert
Nephews

Michael Dardenelle
Scott
Son
Troy
Brooke
Margot
Grandchildren
Kathryn
Daughter
Kristina
Julianna
Grandchildren

Eton Royal Axe (Saxie) * Uncle

413

DEAR CHILDREN Our Family Tree

removed Randy First cousin once
Shawn

Blake
1st cousins

Sandy First cousin
Danny * First cousin

cousin Jeanne * Aunt
removed Rosemary Jeanne First

removed Pamela Jeanne
1st cousin once

Kristeen First cousin
Scott *
James
1st cousins once

414

DEAR CHILDREN Our Family Tree

Kathleen First cousin
Jennifer
1st cousin once

removed

Rebecca
1st cousin, 2

rem’d

Christopher
1st cousin once

removed

I struggle to go back further than my great

grandparents. I hope some research will allow me to

go back further.

That’s about as much of our family tree on my

father’s side. I can go back to my great-grandparents,

Jacques and Melissa, which means that my

grandchildren can trace their roots back to their great-

great-great grandparents. Eventually, I’d like to trace

beyond Grandpa Jacques and Grandpa Allen Axe.

That’s going to take some effort.

415

DEAR CHILDREN Our Family Tree

But you know what? Life is an effort and we can
usually get out of life what we put into it.

* deceased

416

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

My Father

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my father
over the years. He was a very complex and private
man, never telling anyone about anything in his life.
Not even my mother was privy to many of the things
my father took to his grave.

My whole life was changed the evening of October
14, 1989 when he passed away quietly from pancreatic
cancer. This has been very difficult for me to handle
now, even two

417

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

years later but I guess for therapy reasons, I need

to ramble for a while. I may put it down and pick it up

later but for right now, I'm just reflecting.

In August 1989, my dad was diagnosed with

cancer of the prostate gland, which was very hard on

the family, but we were assured it is a slow growing

cancer, and it would probably outlive him. (Not real

reassuring words but taken in context just the same.)

When he was diagnosed, he all of a sudden was

unable to eat anything. I suppose neither could I, just

finding out I had cancer, so we attributed it to this

sudden blow of bad news. The doctors gave him some

medicine for his nerves, but food still would not stay

down. A few weeks later, the doctors did a test and

found a serious blockage in his intestine and scheduled

him for surgery within a few days (Sunday,

September17). Being scheduled for Sunday surgery

concerned my dad, and he jokingly asked if he was

going to be charged overtime for the weekend

operation.

418

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

He was admitted for surgery that Sunday at 10:00,
and a couple hours later the doctors came out with their
totally unexpected death sentence. My father was so
filled with cancer in his abdomen and had worked its
way up his aorta to his heart, that the doctors estimated
he had only 3 weeks to 2 months to live. This was
something not in the cards and was taken very hard.
Denial convinced us that I had to ask if the doctor was
sure. I even asked the doctor if he was referring to
Allen Dardenelle, thinking he had the wrong family.
He was certain. There was no mistake. I was in the
process of losing my dad right before my eyes. My
then 42 years did so many flashbacks in an instant
recalling the memories my dad and I shared all my life.
We were very close, and always had been. The fact
that 42 years of my life was about to be snapped from
under me was something I couldn't grasp. I still can't.

I could not conceive of not having a father. For
many years I had wondered what life would be like
without a parent. They say you never get over it, but

419

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

you do adjust. And sometimes it's more difficult than
others. I can be doing something totally away from the
thoughts of my father and instantly I will begin to cry.
This is due, I am sure, to my everlasting love for him
and the fact that I miss him in my life. I need him so
desperately to be there for me. It's not the same thing
to have Mom around, although we are closer than we
have ever been if that's possible. She is adjusting well
to being a widow, considering they were married
almost 50 years. She still has her moments, but I
probably don't see them much.

On October21, 1989, 1 stood at the lectern at
church, the one Mom and Dad felt comfortable with
the few times they came. They liked Rick Lyon, and
Mom thought it to be a fitting place to memorialize
this wonderful man. I put together a very nice service,
with Hawaiian music that Dad loved, I even sang "In
The Garden" because Mom likes that song so much.
My Eulogy follows:

420

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

MY FATHER, MY FRIEND
a tribute to my father
October 21, 1989

How do you begin to eulogize a person so special
in your life - a person who was idolized, adored and
loved more than life itself? Because not only do I speak
of the loss of my father, I speak also of the loss of my
best friend - the one I could count on anytime day or
night - for any reason. He was always doing for
others: running errands, quietly planting his plants,
always the first to give and never asking for nor
expecting anything in return. This is the kind of man
my dad was.

You are all aware of my father's dry sense of
humor: ranging from the sour jokes he used to tell to
the practical jokes he played on anyone game enough
to be used as his target.

Many years ago, he began exchanging a book
entitled "Sex In Marriage" with his best friend of
nearly 50 years, Rose Salter Cohen. The exchanges of

421

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

this book would re-cycle about every one to two years.
She would hide it under his pillow. He would put it in
the bottom of a plant. She would disguise it as a
trophy. He would have it baked inside a cake that was
presented to her. She would wrap it as a Christmas
present. At one time, he wrapped it in plastic wrap and
buried it inside a large bowl of macaroni salad that
Rose loved so much. He even went so far back in 1970
to buy a plaster paris centerpiece type bowl, dug out 4
corners, laid the book inside and covered it up with
plaster. He sprayed it gold, gave it to Rose as a gift
and she, not suspecting, put the bowl in the cupboard.
Had it not been for the 1971 earthquake that knocked
the bowl down and exposed the book it would probably
still be hidden in that bowl today.

1 remember as a child, every Christmas morning,
my dad would call Frank Salter on the phone at 5:00,
wake him up to wish him a Merry Christmas, only to
have Frank shout back - - well, never mind what he
shouted back because it was naughty. I think both

422

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

really looked forward to this tradition.
One Christmas when he and my mother returned

from a trip to Hawaii there was little time to set up the
traditional Christmas tree, so Dad took a large lava-
type rock, put it on the hearth of the fireplace, and
strung a string of lights around it. This was our
"Christmas Rock" The presents around the rock made
the rock look small by comparison, and we still get a
chuckle out of it today.

My father, as you know, was somewhat possessive,
and when it came to his prized possession, his 1964
Cadillac, he was downright selfish. One weekend
when he and my mother went away, he gave me strict
instructions, and I can still hear them today: "Don't
drive the Cadillac for any reason." This I considered
to be an open invitation to take it for a spin. And so I
did. I drove the car to my aunt's home in Beverly Hills
that Saturday, and spent the night knowing I would be
home Sunday before they got back. I arranged to leave
Beverly Hills at 7:00 Sunday morning only to find that

423

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

the car had a flat tire. Now when you are 17 years old,
you don't think of simply changing the tire. You panic.
So instead of changing the tire, I drove the car flat and
all, down the hill to a gas station to have it changed.
By now, the tire was destroyed beyond repair so now I
had to go find a tire store that would replace the tire.
I found a Mark C. Bloome, I think in the valley, who
had the exact tire I needed, but they wanted to sell me
one that was "better and on sale". He obviously did not
know my father. No, I insisted, it must be exact.

I returned home, sly that I was, with a new spare
tire, and the knowledge that I really pulled one over
on him. When they came home, though, he asked me
where I drove the car. Pleading innocence, I did
everything but call him crazy. He told me that the car
was not parked in the same position, and there were
quite a few miles unaccounted for. He actually
checked the mileage! How trusting. I told him what
happened, and then had the audacity to ask him to
reimburse me for the new tire I bought. Needless to

424

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

say, it was quite an expensive lesson I learned because
he never gave me a dime for that tire.

Just recently, before his surgery, when he found
out that the surgeon was going to remove a portion of
his blocked intestine, he very seriously asked the
doctor if when walking down the street he would "snap
open." When my father learned that the surgery was to
take place on a Sunday, he wanted to know if the
doctor would be charging time and a half.

My father leaves behind a multitude of memories -
some that you all share; some that our family shares;
some that are private only to those involved, and many
that he took with him, never to be shared by anyone.
My father was loving and was loved by all those whose
lives he touched. He will long be remembered as a man
who was more than generous in all he did. My dad had
a rough time showing any type of emotion, but he
didn't need to say or show anything to let you know
how he felt about you. He was forever devoted to my
mom, whom he affectionately called "Runt" for as long

425

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

as I can remember; to my brother and me, who he
always called his "bears" and to his four
grandchildren, who he so lovingly called his
"crickets". You never questioned why he chose those
nicknames: That was Dad, and you accepted him that
way. He also leaves behind his loving nephew and
niece, Mark Richards, and Judy Bart, both of whom
will miss their "Uncle Dard" forever. His brother-in-
law and sister-in-law, Bob and Lucille, hold a very
special place in their hearts for my dad, as he did for
them.

Most of you are aware of his involvement in the
Pearl Harbor Survivors Association. This was a part
of his life that meant a great deal to him, for his tour
of duty in the Navy and the country he served was one
of which he was very proud. The American flag you
see before you was a gift to my father from Allen and
Ruth and Georgia and me on the occasion of his 71st
birthday last month. We purchased it for him on a
recent trip to Hawaii and arranged that it be flown

426

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

over the USS Arizona that has rested at the bottom of
Pearl Harbor since its attack by the Japanese on
December 7, 1941. The flag was raised and lowered
on his birthday, September 20, 1989. Not only was he
proud to serve his country in this most honorable
position, but he also was that kind of man you would
be proud to call "Dad."

So how do you eulogize and memorialize that
someone so important in your life? What do you say
about that special friend? It is not as important to say
these things when that someone is gone as it is to say
them while they are still around. And I did. I have no
regrets about neglecting my father because I didn't. I
do not have to wish I had said how important he was
in my life and how influential he was in my being the
kind of person I am, and raising my children the way I
do because I told him. Not only was the love between
us understood, it was said. The memories I have of my
father are some of the most pleasant memories of my
life. He was my biggest inspiration as I grew up and

427

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

as I became a husband and a father. I credit him for
my being the kind of man I am, the way I think and the
way I do things.

My family and I are forever grateful to all of you
for sharing your lives with my dad, for being proud to
know him; for putting up with him; but most of all for
loving him the way you do. You are all very special to
us for that.

It is said that any man can be a father, but it takes
that someone special to be a dad. May he rest in
eternal peace.

*

It's sad to say that this Eulogy had to be written
before my dad died, but it did save me a lot of grief
because after his death, I was in a state of shock and
probably unable to honor him the way I did.

My brother exhibited some emotions and feelings
that day that I have never seen. He has never been an

428

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

emotional person, 1 guess taking after our father. I was
the more emotional one (you can tell by having grown
up with me) but like my brother I know the true value
of life and what it means as we raise our children.

My dad was a dry comedian. He always had a
cheery word and little quip for most situations one
would run into. As Allen's Eulogy says, he could
really hold his own. I like to think that I got that trait
from him, because my sense of humor is not unlike
that of my father. Like him, I am very tolerant of a lot
of things, but let someone or something cross me, I
turn a different side. I remember a lot, and
unfortunately sometimes hold grudges. Bad trait but
built in.

The earliest recollection I have of my dad is at our
beach home in Venice when I was brand new. My dad
was quite thin, then and very handsome as he was
throughout his life, even on his bed in the hospital
when he died. Pictures of him show him leaning up
against an old black Ford, his prize, taking life very

429

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

easy. I remember once he was trimming the lawn, and
the trimmers he used were spring loaded (they didn't
have electricity then) and he cut his finger almost off.
He was taken to the hospital, but I was too young then
to understand what was going on.

He rarely disciplined us (that was left to Mom), so
Allen and I always got along with him. Always. I have
tried, especially since his death, to come up with some
negative thoughts about him, and I just can't. If that
doesn't say a lot, I don't know what does. A lot of
memories are in the eulogy I wrote, as are the
memories of Uncle Allen in the eulogy he wrote. Other
than that, it's kind of hard digging up old memories. In
due time, 1 suppose I will add to this chapter.

I guess if I had to think of a negative thought about
my father, it was that in all my life, I don't ever
remember exchanging the words "I love you". Now, I
regret it but during my life, and I guess his too, it never
felt necessary to say the words. In fact, I don 't
remember them being said in my family at all. Not by

430

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

my mother, my brother, my dad or me. Maybe that's
why I tell you kids how much I love you as much as I
can, because it is not only felt in our family but I think
it's important to be said.

As much as I loved my father it wasn't until 2
weeks before he died that I sat at his bedside at home,
kind of reflecting our lives together. I knew and
maybe he knew too that he was so close to death, but
neither of us spoke of the future. We reflected for a
while, and I told him that I was so very proud to be one
of his sons to carry on our name, and that everything I
am I credit to him and the way he brought me up. He
didn't say much; he never did when it came to things
like that. I thanked him for raising me the way he did
and told him how grateful we had each other. The only
thing he said was, "Well, Bear I appreciate that."

That was as close to “I love you" as I’ll ever get.
A year after his passing, I wrote a song, to the tune
of Kathy Mattea's "Where Have You Been"

431

DEAR CHILDREN My Father

Where've You Gone?

He had a childhood all his own, he kept his mem’ries all alone
He never shared his childhood days with those he loved so many

ways
He left his home his family life, and soon thereafter found a wife

Where’ve you gone I miss you more with every passing day
Where’ve you gone I’m just not myself when you’re away

He joined the navy, saw the world, and married with a navy girl
They settled down, they had their fun and soon thereafter had a

son
And two years later so it seems, another son had filled their

dreams

Where’ve you gone I miss you more with every passing day
Where’ve you gone I’m just not myself when you’re away

They never spent much time apart, together over 40 years
She loved the man with all heart but now she cries a million tears

He kept his problems from his wife, just like he did for all his life
A gentle man we loved each day but then one evening passed
away

I never wondered if he knew how much we loved him and still do

Where’ve you gone I miss you more with every passing day
Where’ve you gone I’m just not myself when you’re away

I miss you, Dad. We all do.

432

DEAR CHILDREN My Mother

My Mother
My mom, your grandma, was one very special
lady and I think you guys knew that for as far back as
you can remember.
She was born in Denver, Colorado on June 21,
1921 and when she was just a young girl, she and her
family moved to Los Angeles where she made her
home.
When she was in her early 20s, she met my dad,
Grandpa. After a very short courtship...I think about 6

433

DEAR CHILDREN My Mother

weeks...they were married in San Francisco on
September 5, 1943. They were both in the Navy and I
think that’s where they met.

She became pregnant soon after her marriage but
miscarried a girl. In 1945, my brother Allen was born,
on May 31. I came about 20 months later in January
1947.

Throughout her life, she worked in many jobs;
she worked as a secretary at Hoffman Cabinets in Van
Nuys, and after leaving that job, she began a career as
an escrow officer. That’s the one job I remember her
holding for many many years.

While working in the escrow business, she and
Dad became active members of the Pearl Harbor
Survivors Association and were quite active for many
years. She also founded the Dick Salter Chapter of
City of Hope and held the position of President for
more years than any other member. She had a very
sharp mind, and hardly ever needed notes when it

434

DEAR CHILDREN My Mother

came to details. She was very meticulous in everything
she did. Maybe that’s why I’m so detail oriented.

After Dad died, she was left alone...and lonely. I
remember one morning soon after Grandpa died, she
called me crying; she said she had locked herself out
of the house (I guess she was using a cell phone, I
don’t know) but I came over to find her sitting on the
front porch crying and sobbing, and it was a sorrowful
sight to see.

She found herself being courted by a fellow
PHSA member, Gilbert Olinger, and after a short
period of time, they married...much to my dismay.

They were not married too long before Gilbert
became ill and died. Once again, she became lonely
and lost. She had only her family but sometimes, that’s
just not enough.

She became good friends with another PHSA
member, Arthur Herriford. After a respectful period of

435

DEAR CHILDREN My Mother

dating and getting to know and love one another, they
were married.

I remember the night Art asked me for Mom’s
hand. He was sitting at his computer in the den, and as
I passed through, he stopped me and said, “Mike, I’ve
decided to make your mom an honest woman.”

I said, “Art, she’s not pregnant, is she??” and we
all laughed at that. “No,” he said, “I have asked her to
marry me.”

As she aged, she began having some health
problems and had some minor strokes (TIA’s) but in
July 2008, she had a major stroke that totally changed
her personality. It had a major effect on everyone in
the family. No one in our family ever had such a
medical issue and we didn’t know how to react to it or
help her. By this time, she was in her late 80s. She was
no longer permitted to drive which really bothered her
because she was so independent. Art and I took her
wherever she wanted to go, without question.

436

DEAR CHILDREN My Mother

It was a difficult life for her after the stroke and
she never fully recovered.

She had a great life with Art but in December
2011, Art passed away. She was, for the third time,
widowed, with the vow that she would never marry
again. Her health began to deteriorate, in part because
of her age. In January 2014, she suffered another small
stroke that sent her to the hospital, and eventually to a
rehab facility in Sherman Oaks. She spent 2 months
there and when they said she no longer qualified for
rehab care, and because I had fallen and broken my hip
and back, I was not able to care for her. I was by then
in a walker and would not be able to help her if she
were at home and needed help. The only alternative
was an assisted living apartment.

Carlos and I hunted and interviewed and saw
many facilities and the one we decided on was in
Tarzana called Brookdale.

437

DEAR CHILDREN My Mother

In May 2014, Mom was moved to her new home
which she liked but didn’t understand why she was
there. It was impossible for us to explain why, but
eventually she settled in. Her apartment was furnished
with all her belongings; her pictures, her dressers, her
television, her bed; everything in there was what she
had when she lived at home.

As the months progressed, her health declined
rapidly. She had many falls, many trips to the hospital
for stitches on her head, her knees, her shoulder. We
suspect more strokes caused the dizzy spells and the
falling but I decided it was not in her best interest to
confirm a stroke. By this time, she was in her 90s and
it would not have been effective to put her through all
the testing and what little treatment they could offer.

We could see her deteriorating rapidly and not
long after her arrival at the facility, she began her
downward spiral of dementia. She no longer
recognized people, including me, Carlos, you kids, her

438

DEAR CHILDREN My Mother

grandchildren. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen
or had to endure.

Eventually she became bedridden and was no
longer communicating, eating or drinking. She could
no longer speak in coherent sentences. If she spoke at
all, it was only a couple words at a time.

Around July of 2016, as I said goodbye to her in
her apartment, I reached down to give her a hug. I had
to put her arm on my shoulder so I could feel her hug
too, but rather than a hug, she patted me on the back
and said, “It’s OK. Thank you for everything you have
done for me.”

That was the last thing she ever said to me.
She was in hospice care by now as the end was
near. She was being monitored daily by the nursing
staff and once a week by the doctor who came to visit
her.
Carlos and I visited her every day while she was
in assisted living. It was difficult for me to do this and

439

DEAR CHILDREN My Mother

to see her rapid decline and to see her fade away,
virtually in front of my eyes. She began 24 hour a day
care on Friday, September 9, 2016 and I knew just by
seeing her the end was near. She was never responsive
to my touch, my voice, my holding her hand.

Sunday September 11, I could only stay for less
than 10 minutes because I knew it was a matter of days
before I no longer had a mother, and it was just too
upsetting for me to be there.

I received a call at 9:40 a.m. on Tuesday,
September 13. It was the nurse with her, and I was
expecting what I’d always been told: She’s
comfortable, she’s not in any pain, she’s OK.

Instead I received the call from Maria who said,
“I’m sorry to tell you, but your mom passed away this
morning about 9:30.”

Saddest day of my life and I felt like an orphan.
No father, no mother. No one. Sure, I had Carlos, and
I had you kids. But I didn’t have any parents.

440