April Showers Collection (5)

April Showers 
30 poems in 30 days 

By: Sarah Cronin 

Oh April...

Spread over three notebooks, some random email drafts, book pages, and even
one napkin, the enclosed is a gathering up of a month’s worth of love, grief,
empowerment, bravery, loss, hope and everything in between. I fell in love (twice)
and then let go of love (twice). I lost friends who moved away. I lead the search for
and then experienced the permanent loss of a woman who I never knew, but
somehow knew I needed to find. And through all this pain, often ​because o​ f this
pain, I made impactful life-long connections. These experiences overlapped and
bled into each other. Nothing I experienced and documented here was absolute,
there were no clear cut ends or beginnings. These things were messy and entangled
and ongoing, as, I am told, is life itself. As much as I’d like to divide my month into
succinct chapters with finite endings, and wrap this all up in a bow for you, I
cannot. As it turns out, life doesn’t work like that. It refuses order, it rhymes and
then also falls out of place, it skips lines, it ebbs and flows. It is poetry in the
making.

After the writing was done, I spent an additional 30 agonizing days editing,
re-editing, self-doubting, re-evaluating, re-organizing and re-validating each poem
you see before you. As with any writing project I have ever completed, at some
point I had to simply stop editing and dare to believe that it is good enough as it is.
Perhaps not all the poems are Pulitzer Prize winners. In fact, some of them now
seem ridiculously cliché, written while I was in the eye of a storm of intense
emotions that have since subsided, naturally dulled with passing of time. But,
creating award winning poetry wasn’t the point of this exercise. The point was just
to write! To write regardless of what life threw at me, and to keep writing no matter
what. And this, my friends, I surely did.

What kept me going on days when I didn’t feel like it was the knowledge that you
all believed in me, so much so that you were willing to put your money on it. On
me. I want to thank all who supported this work of mine. I was able to pay my rent
in poetry this month and there is no greater joy (and fear) in this
trying-to-make-a-living-with-my-art-thing. I am still learning and growing and ever
humbled to be supported on the way, in any way. Thank you to ​Lucya Kostiw​ for
being the first to support me in sisterhood solidarity, to Lynnay Consul, Jocelyn
Velazquez, Kira Harland, Kalley Thompson, Aron Egelko, Harmony Page, Jennifer
Stevenson, Camille Verbera, Amy Farrow, Nia McAllister, and Brendan Carruthers
for being my fiercest advocates and my best friends. Thank you Jes Heppler for
your moral support and Alora LeBaron for creating space to do poetry together.
Thank you Akialah Ansar without whom none of this would have started, not just
for inspiring me to do this challenge, but for standing with me as we delivered our
truth on a makeshift stage in our high school’s cafeteria some 9 years ago. You are
my heroes. I love you all.

1

Table of Contents

1. Moon
2. Her Hand
3. She Reminds Me of You
4. A Letter to Someone Who Is Too Nice to Me
5. I’ve Held a Lot of Heads in My Life
6. This Lake
7. She Was a Garden
8. I Miss You
9. Healing
10.Like the Ocean
11.I’d Like to Hold Your Hand
12.Unloving You
13.Hello again
14.There Is a Woman
15.Hesitant Kisses
16.I Wonder
17.Dear Entitled Man #46
18.The Man Sitting at the Bar
19.Que Tristeza
20.Genderreject
21.I Face You
22.Love Shouldn’t Hurt
23.One of Those Moments
24.You See Me
25.1 AM
26.Grief: The Routine
27.When It Begins with Your Kiss
28.To the Women Who
29.Let Go
30.It Was All Too Quiet
31. Where Will You Go When It’s All Over?​ B​ onus
32. Baby, He’s A Traveling Man ​ ​Bonus

Endnotes

2

Moon

She stood on the table
Naked
In the pale moonlight
Her back towards him
As she gazed to the sky

He wanted her then
More than he’d ever wanted her before
As much as he wanted the sky
Suspending, captivated, by her pull

The moon is so beautiful tonight
And so are you,​ he said
He wrapped his arms around her
Carefully and lifted her up,
Like plucking a flower.
She shivered happily in the cold

I want you, here​.
Here?
Here, h​ e said.
His voice suddenly serious and deep
She laughed
As if she hadn’t known
Hadn’t felt his gaze
Bear down into her while she danced
Hadn’t felt his fingers linger on her back
When she asked him to help with her zipper

As the dress fell and she jumped from it
Giggling and dancing in the moonlight
What, ​she asked?
You’re crazy
His eyes twinkled mischievously
But it’s okay, I’m crazy too.

That dance was not for him
And yet it was all for him
As all things had become for him
For love

3

He towered over her
Black sky in the background
Above him,
His face, his expression
Forever etched in her mind
Like a constellation

They didn’t make love,
They made magic
It was as if the stars themselves rained down upon them
Like a curtain
A wall of sound
A four-poster bed

They held each other
And whispered secrets openly into the night
For under the moon they could not lie
Naked, they had nothing left to hide
They said all that could be said and left nothing behind

And when it was time to go
They went
His hand after hers
His step in her step

Leaving behind the magic of that night
Leaving behind the sky
In all her glory
To lay once more
As lovers do
Basking in the dream
of the
Full moon

…

4

Her Hands

She seemed to know just what to do
Had hands that could heal
A voice that could soothe
She was a mother
Without any children
A sister without any siblings
She was what she needed to be

Will you​…?
He broke the silence
His voice cracked like that of a child
Afraid to speak aloud his wishes
In the case that they were
Too big
Too foolish
Too unimportant

She smiled and kissed the curve of his spine
Of course,​ she said.
She brushed her fingernails gently down his back
In lines
And in circles
And sometimes, when she let her mind wander,
In little dancing hearts
She imagined that with each stroke she was healing him
I love you
Her fingers whispered
I love you
She pleaded silently with his demons
I love you
She said into the dark abyss
I love you
She said, knowing there would be no response

Her fingers, dipped in immovable waters
Began to make slow ripples
He, once a rock, began to shift
To shiver and shake and rumble
He began to crack

There it was

5

A great cataclysmic opening
That, he felt, threatened to swallow him whole
Tearful and afraid, he looked up at her
And he jumped
But at the last second, almost as a reflex
He grabbed hold of the edges
He clung on tight
Fingers white to the bone
He looked her straight in the eyes and begged
You have got to let me go

Please, no,​ she said.
Why can’t you accept this love I am giving you?
To her it was almost too much
To have been given something so good
Only to have to give it away again
I just need time,​ he lied.
I understand,​ she lied back.

So they laid back
She motioned to leave
You’re coming back, right?
He asked, half asleep
Yes.​ She said and kissed his head
Promise?
Yes.

And she did.

They crawled into bed and tried to pretend
It was not
One last night not
One last kiss
She held him like a child
And with her hands
She whispered to his skin
I still love you
Just like this

…

6

She Reminds Me of You

There’s a woman here
She reminds me of you
She has the same smile
She wears the same shoes

She smiles when she wants to cry
She takes a long time to choose
She feels the weight on her shoulders
Of duties she cannot lose

There’s a woman here
She reminds me of you
She’s got the same smile
She wears the same shoes

She smokes to get high
She smokes to get loose
She smokes to quiet the voices in her head
She smokes to loosen the noose

There’s a woman here
She reminds me of you
She’s got the same smile
She wears the same shoes

She’s got a collection
She’s got box full of blues
She’s got piles of unsorted projects
She got unwanted news

There’s a woman here
She reminds me of you
She’s got the same smile
She wears the same shoes

She got wasted
She got woke
She forgave her mistakes
She fought with her demons and shook herself awake and said,

There’s a woman here.

7

A Letter to Someone Who Is Too Nice To Me

I’ve passed you twice today
I’m already nervous
Is my smile to big?
Did I hold eye contact too long?
Did I shift my gaze too quick?

Have you seen into me already?
Please don’t look to closely
I don’t think you’ll like what you find there
Cold, repulsive and lonely

I’m afraid I can’t sit at your table
No, really, it’s fine
It’s just that
I’ll accidentally reveal too much
I’ll tell a joke that isn’t really funny
I’ll forget my audience
I’ll forget my lines
And I’ll awkwardly laugh at myself
While you take deliberate sips from your fancy drinks
And exchange sideways glances

So I’ll sit at a different table
The one that’s wonky and wrecked
Uneven legs
Dangerous edges
It doesn’t judge

At this table, I am the most together
At this table, I am the most me

See, I’d rather fit in with the misfits
And run away from riches
I’ve always been more comfortable in chaos
Always been more comfortable with uneven stitches

I’m really so sorry
But, I just couldn’t make it
No more than I could make myself
Someone that belonged at this party

8

Maybe if you could crawl into my skin
Maybe if you could look in my eyes
And actually see me for who I am
But for now, I’ll keep my distance
Plastered half-smile
Ever suspicious
Of people who are too nice to me

…
9

I’ve Held a Lot of Heads in My Life

I’ve held a lot of heads in my life
I’ve held a lot of hands
Danced around naked to the tune of
I want you to know who I am

I’ve shared a lot of the same stories
The same jokes
The same plans
The same long nights that go on without end

You know the kind,
The kind that seems to last forever

I’ve held a lot of empty promises
I’ve heard a lot of empty words
Reading between the lines
And always erring on the side of yes

I’ve made a lot of the same mistakes
Same “too soon”
Same “too much”
Same “right connection, wrong time”

You know the kind
The kind that doesn’t last forever

I’ve held a lot of tears
I’ve held a lot of closing doors open
Always choosing to let in
Always hoping, never knowing

I’ve re-opened the same cold cases
Same wounds
Same healing
Same blisters that I can’t help peeling

You know the kind
The kind that scar forever

I’ve held a lot of heads in my life
I’ve held my own from time to time

10

Begging, pleading for a change
For a disruption to the cycle
You know the kind
The kind that takes forever
I’ve lit a lot of candles
I’ve sang a lot of prayers
And I can’t say for sure if I’m nearer
But I think I might be closer
You know the kind
I just hope I don’t have to wait forever

...
11

This Lake

How can a place be so still
So lovely
And yet so dreadful
Within the contains
Of one volcanic ​caldera

In this lake
In this land
We’ve seen all of life’s lessons
Condensed
In one day
Love and Loss
Fear and Courage
Pleasure and Pain
Simultaneous
Intertwined

We are runners
Artists
Lovers
Smooth criminals
With our new names
And new tattoos
We’ve been freshly re-branded
Claimed by this lake
For it’s she who seems to choose
Who she lets in
And who she kicks out

We belong to the her now
Wild eyes reflecting the flames of an open fire
For better
Or for worse
We belong here

…

12

She Was a Garden

She was a garden of having
Of doing
Completing

She took in all the strays
She tended to the butterflies
And the bees
And even the pesky moths
There was no animal too repulsive
Too insignificant
With her, all had a place
With her, all had a home

Each morning she would rise and make her coffee
She liked it like she liked her life
Strong
Splash of milk
Not diluted
Spoon of sugar
Never sugar coated

But her coffee would often grow cold on some forgotten surface
As life inevitably pulled her away
For there was always something to clean
Something to do
Someone to feed
And last to be fed
Was always herself

Her home stood out like a jungle against the concrete
With its hand painted signs
And bright, cracked flower pots
She beckoned in the mad, the wayward souls
Like hummingbirds to a feeder
We came in droves

I don’t know how she did it
Without falling apart
But one day
I caught her
Face scrunched with tears

13

She had held on tight long enough

I realized that the years
Had worn on her
That she felt, deeply
Each wound she so humorously tended to
Each disaster she expertly sidestepped
Each moment of chaos she had negotiated into stillness

I realized then that
She, like me,
Had limits
I realized that
It had been a long time since someone made h​ er ​a cup of coffee
Fed the animals
Watered the plants
Managed everyone’s emotions
Or did any of that
Without her asking

She was in need of a break
From being the one that pulls it all together
She craved freedom to fall apart
To lean on a banister
That would not break
To find, and be held by, someone with an even bigger heart than her own
Just once

We stood barefoot in her garden
The mist of the hose like magical rain against the warm afternoon sun
Haze making rainbows between branches
Leaves bowed down heavy under the droplets
We stood still for a moment
Equally captivated by the green, the dampness, the miracle of it all
This, she said.
This is my therapy

It got quiet then, quiet and full
And I knew then
That she’d be okay
That we’d be okay
All those of us tend to the gardens
Who keep things growing

14

Who thrust our hands deep into the dirt
And ​will ​the seed to survive
We who hold hands,
We who feed bellies
We who wait last for our relief to arrive
That afternoon,
Nature showed a special side of herself to us
She winked and twinkled
She giggled and sang
She fluttered and buzzed with excitement
She timidly opened up to reveal the hope of a new bloom
Just for our eyes to see
To the women who tend to the gardens,
We are our own reward.

…
15

I Miss You

I miss you in random places
You not just a person
You, the sensation

A sweet note
A wide smile
A helpless sense of joy
A wild sense of wonder

I miss you like the tide
Forever just a little too far

I miss the sensation of you
Pulling me close
Yearning to be in my arms

And I then I remember
That it seemed I was always lying awake waiting for you to come home
Or lying awake with you beside me waiting for us to go
We were always on the opposite page

The montage glory days turned decidedly gray
Withering the edges of my mental picture frame
I saw you, as you were, always distant
Not just when you were far away

Laying beside you,
Hand to heart, I could still only get so far
Touching the surface of something
I could tell was beautiful
But had been in deep, long slumber
For so long

Still, I miss you
I miss the promise of you
Clean and crisp and unbroken you
Who opened the door to my heart
When you kissed me that night on the dock
And we promised to not hurt each other

I miss you like that

16

Still, now
Promises broken laid on the floor
You left the bed unmade when you ran out the door
And you told me, angrily
I’m sorry
This is who I am.
And I cried
Because, I knew it was true
But it doesn’t help at all
With the simple fact
That I miss you

…
17

Healing
I love the way things look so clean after a good rain
Maybe nature, too, has ways of healing herself

…
18

Like the Ocean
I lay on my back
And felt you slipping away from me
Like the ocean
Receding under my feet
I lost my footing
As the sand sucked away
Suddenly just ankle deep
In what once came up to my chest
I miss being in the depths of you
The great blessed breadth of you
The fullness, the wholeness of you
Completely enveloped
Now you’ve left
And I wade in shallow waters
Pretending it’s enough to swim
When it’s not even enough to drown
Emotions swell in some distant place beyond me
As lay barren on the seafloor
Of something that was once
Magnificent

…

19

I’d Like to Hold Your Hand

It was an unremarkable day
The sky was cold and gray
You were wearing that worn yellow sweater
When I decided then I could love you in the winter

Holding a cup of hot chocolate
Above to a plate of cookies
Your eyes smiled at me
From the surface of your mug

Damn, boy.

I could laugh with you for hours
Toss my hands into the air
Throwing caution to the wind
And myself at your feet

I could lay there forever
Play with the hem of your frayed jeans
And wonder aloud
What the meaning of all this is?

You’d answer me with a single, pointed glance.

Do you remember?
That day we say on the park bench
And you asked me if I want kids
I know you didn’t mean with each other

But, still.

Still, I like the feel of your hand
So smooth, so much like mine
You are my equal
My counterpart

My perfect compliment

Like seasons to the earth
I’d like to wear you
Fall in synchronicity

20

With the very nature of you
Arm in arm you are my peace
I’m content to be confused for your lover
To take care of you as your mother
Laugh like your sister
Listen like a brother
But sometimes,
On days like this
When the sky is full with the promise of rain
And we sing the same song at the same time
And we look at each other at just the right moment
Sometimes, in moments like this
I think I’d like to hold your hand
I think I’d like to kiss your lips
Instead, I avert my gaze and lean back
And I see you from a distance
Perfect as you are
Untouched
And I think maybe,
Just maybe
I’d like to keep it this way.

…

21

Unloving You

Many wondrous things can be said of you
My magician
But none of your tricks
Were more astounding than your remarkable ability
To suddenly unlove me

You receded
Like a video in rewind
You sprang backwards out of the water
And each droplet got sucked back into its place
As if it was never disturbed to begin with

You unloved me so well
You damn near erased history
Now I tilt my head in bewilderment
When I see your face

Once so vivid, now a strange familiarity
Like a stranger passing in the street,
I wonder, nonchalantly,
If I once knew you

I wonder if I ever held your face
Or ran my fingers through your hair
Or placed a calm hand over your heart
Or whispered I​ love you​ into your parted lips

I wonder if we ever slept like this,
Head to your chest
If I ever woke up at your side
If I ever woke up not alone
I wonder if that emptiness I sense in my bed is not a vacancy but a void
An absence in the place you once lived

You see, when you left,
You did so much more than leave,
You disappeared
You ceased to exist

My love for you now
A faint remembering

22

Like an old movie,
I recall the gist of you
A distant sadness for a non-specific tragedy
All I remember is that it made me cry
Perhaps that’s why
You are not welcome here anymore
In my heart
In my bed
In my memory
Perhaps, I too
Have mastered the art
Of unloving you.

...
23

Hello Again

Hello,
Its me again
I’m sorry it’s been so long
I’m sure by now you’ve forgotten
That many months ago
I sat sweating bullets
Biting my tongue
While you stood over me
And told me, in so many words,
That I am worthless

Do you even want this job?
You challenged.
I averted my gaze
And cast my pride aside
Yes,​ I responded quietly
Fingers gripping under the table
Like fingers crossed behind my back
Like hands wrapped around your neck
I hoped I could forgive myself for my blatant lie

The truth is,
I did not want that job
I woke up each morning dreading my life in a way that scared me
I traveled an hour and a half on packed BART cars and bumpy city buses just to sit
in an office and weather whatever shit storm you had planned for that day
No matter what I did
It was never enough
No matter what you did
You were never wrong

But me, 23, just out of college
It didn’t feel like I had many options
I had to put food on the table and pay the PG&E and worry about taking care of my
mom
And you, like a bloodhound
Could sense my desperation
My need to please
I fawned under your anger and scrambled to find ways to appease you
I flipped you off when you had your back turned

24

Then, one week, I took the savings I had and I ran with it
Small vacation
10 days
And it was enough to make me not want to come back
I sat in the airport planning to go home and pack up all my bags
And saw you sent me a message
Offered a promotion

It is one of those moments I look back on now
And wonder what would have happened if I had made a different choice
But with any abuse
The allure of finally​ ​getting your validation was so tempting I could not resist
And I thought,
Like a canned response,
“This time will be different.”

Instead,
The closer I got to you,
The more I was abused
The more fall I took for your mistakes
The more I clenched my fists under the table
Telling myself I would someday get away

A job with no safety net, no benefits and no guarantees.
You trapped me in a catch 22 where I could not speak up
Because that meant completely losing any job security,
No money, no unemployment benefits, nothing.

But one day, you stood over me for the last time
And you didn’t even know it
That day, I planned my revenge
You turned your back and I leapt
I began scanning documents
Building a case against you
File after file

I covered my trail
I fetched your coffee and sandwiches and showed up to meetings
With a smile
And apologized for being late
Because it didn’t matter,
I was planning my escape

25

The closer I got,
The more I spoke back
The more your confidence was shook
You began to take note
You saw the power had shifted
I realized you needed me more than you I needed you
You wouldn’t fire me
You wouldn’t dare

I considered laying my cards on the table
Quitting and using my resignation as an example
But I thought better to wait
To sit on the facts, the evidence I’ve compiled until the time was right

When I left I said goodbye
But what I didn’t say was,
You’ll be hearing from me

Hello again. It’s me.

Little 24 year old in Guatemala piecing together a tax audit with a cup of black
coffee, a backup generator and a retired accountant
Little 24 year old girl who’s self-taught legalease might be enough to trigger and
audit
Little 24 year old you once told seemed to lack motivation
It’s almost poetic
I wish I could be there to see your face when the notice comes in
I imagine you might actually flip a table
I imagine you’ll yell at whatever poor soul is currently occupying the desk I once sat
in
I imagine you’ll find a way to make this my fault, God’s fault, America’s fault
I’ve no doubt that you will
But while you’re throwing yourself into a self righteous rage,
But I’ll be here.

Lakeside, making it, pulled myself out of the pit of despair making it, self-made
entrepreneur making it, using all I learned from you and flipping it making it,
running my own shit making it, empowering, flowering holding my ladies up making
it. Power of love stronger than hate making it.

So do with it what you will

That anger, that resentment that bottled up rage

26

I’m making a life for myself now in paradise
I’m not the same girl you bossed around
Manipulated and kept close to the floor
Inched out, head down.
I’m new now, different now, I value myself now. This letter I wrote to reveal you,
it’s my rally call against all the likes of you, it’s my proclamation, my legally signed
statement that I, now and forever more.
Will not be fucked with, by anyone.
But especially not by you.

…
27

There Is a Woman

There is a woman
Standing on a rooftop in a purple gown
It hangs heavy and still
like a water around her

She never turns around
Never glances back
Maybe because she knows there’s nothing to see there
In the past

She’s got the present set in
Her gaze
And her future sealed
At her feet.

They will say she jumped
They will say she fell.
They will say she was taken
Grabbed
Forced off the edge
(so incapable are they are thinking a woman could be in charge of her own fate)

But between you and I,
I think she flew
Arms wide
Like a dove
She landed with a soft thud
Amongst the gentle brush
And nestled herself into the crook of a tree’s broken arm
And thought perhaps
This is an okay place to rest

There she lay
limbs intertwined with branches
She and the forest
absentmindedly cradled each other
Like old lovers

Sleep well, darling
Whispered the trees
The leaves whimpered

28

as they fluttered down
Upon her skyclad body
As her funeral gown
And the birds came out in troves
Circling above
An ominous cloud
Sounding out in alarm
The funeral horn
The spirits of this land
Gathered around her
Guided us to her
Until she was found
Her beloved friends held the ground
Painstaking hours
Til they could no longer
Then one by one they came down
A final light departed at dawn
That evening
When she finally left
See you later, they said,
See you later Catherine.

...

29

Hesitant Kisses

Dear love,
I am sorry that I did not appreciate
How difficult it was for you to love me
Or t​ ry​ to try to love me

I want to badly
To prove you wrong
To love you the way
I think you are afraid
To let yourself be loved

However, I can not accept
Lukewarm
Hesitant kisses
Made through tears

I cannot settle
Watching you grapple with your fears
Your inner turmoil
Loving me in anguish

Give me love that is courageous
Love that takes the jump
No pause
No hesitation

I deserve someone who loves me fearlessly
I deserve someone who gives me security
I deserve someone who continues to show up for me
And reinstills in me, faith in the idea that
People can even show up for me
I deserve someone who’d stop the world for me
I deserve someone who is excited to love me
I deserve someone who is excited to love me
I deserve someone who is excited to love me

Give me a love that is willing to love me
In the active sense of the word

In some moments you were
Thank you

30

In some moments you weren’t
I’m sorry
Anyways,
I release you and I let you go on to your higher purpose
And me to mine
Knowing I may not know for a long time
What the point was of all of this
Except that it was a pleasure
to know you
I hope someday you will be ready to return the love
Of those who are ready to love you
But most of all,
I hope someday I may find someone who’s ready to love me
Who’s excited to love me
Me
Exactly who I am
Exactly where I am
And wouldn’t that be something?

...
31

I Wonder
I wonder
If it’s true
That love always catches you off guard
Always sneaks up on you
When you’re in the middle of a hearty laugh
Or share a meaningful glance
A casual brush of skin
An innocent dance
Moments incredibly insignificant
Yet wonderfully different
The heart takes notice
Before the head
Before you can dare think
Could it be?
Could it be me?
Could this be love?
(Written on a napkin in a mixed drinks bodega stand on the shore of Panajachel)

...
32

Dear Entitled Man #46

​Dear Entitled Man #46,
I am not here to make you feel better
About something that you did​
I asked you to stop
And instead of apologizing
You put me on the spot

Why
Why
Why can’t I touch your butt?
Why can’t I do whatever the fuck I want?
Why can’t you take a joke?
Why do you have to be such a ​cunt?​

Dear Entitled Man #46
First off
I don’t really need to explain
But since there have been 46 and will be 46 more
Here it is

You grew up in a world designed to cradle you
A world set towards men’s needs as the default
So it’s no wonder
You never had to give a second thought any interaction you have with a woman

Not in the way I have to calculate and scheme
Around any interaction with a man
Carefully treading between “leading someone on” and “being a bitch”
For my own safety

You grew up being told that speaking your voice was important
Not constantly told to, “mind your business”, “be a good girl” or “shut up”
But, I will say, I think you could benefit from learning the art
Of never missing a good opportunity to shut your mouth

You grew up in a world that prized men’s perspectives over all else
As the ultimate voice of reason, inherently objective
Even and especially when it came to subject of women
So no wonder you feel naturally entitled to tell me how I should feel
In my own damn body

33

You are defensive now,
Okay, okay, don’t worry. Shall I tell you it’s not all your fault, would that make you
feel better?
No,
I’m not going to do that
I can’t be expected to be your prosecutor and also your liberator
For once in your life, you are going to have to learn to answer for your crimes
For once, you’ll be made to feel like you should apologize
You will not be pardoned just because the system you benefit from feels
conveniently invisible to those with their eyes squeezed shut
I won’t pardon you for being a fucking idiot
You won’t find any sympathy from me
I refuse to have to take on educating you
And then coddling you for how you feel learning something you should already
know
So, there you have it Entitled Man #46
If you need to cry, there’s a bathroom to your left.
Thank you,
Next.

…

34

The Man Sitting at the Bar

The man sat at the bar
With his back to the room
And didn’t even bother turning around
You heard what the lady said
He growled, his voice dangerously low

Hi kept his eyes ahead
And took another sip
Unflustered
Now leave her alone

His body was still
But in his voice stirred with an unmistakable warning
His hands rested calmly on the table
Wrists wrapped in leather
Palms open
These were hands you didn’t want to mess with

There was silence
As the drunk boy perceivably
Weighed his options
His tiny brain trying to wrap around what happened
A betrayal from his own kind

It was the first time he had shut up
In over an hour
The woman, observed
The thudding of her heartbeat suddenly apparent in the silence

So used to holding up her own end by herself
She could almost cry in gratitude to this stranger
Instead whispered thank you to the empty space in front of her.
He grunted in acknowledgement
And took another swig of his cheap beer

She snuck a sideways glance at him
He was a big man
Strong and mighty
Could have been a hunter
The kind that took an animal down with precision
And cried over his kill in gentle gratitude

35

His age was undetectable
Years of fending for himself
Had made him strong
Years of healing himself
Had made him wise
He silently passed her a drink
She declined
He nodded. It wasn’t a big deal
She didn’t have to cradle his ego
With her vagina
He was the kind of man that could take a “No”
He was every bit the man she wanted to be
The kind that needed no introduction
And far be it to a man on a pedestal
For an ordinary act of righteousness
But, perhaps she could put him on a barstool
And so she did.
And she left it at that.

...
36

Que Tristeza

​Que tristeza
Que tengo que aclimatar a tu ausencia
Escucho tu voz
Y voy corriendo
Pero nunca es ti
Nunca más sera

Que truco cruel de mente
Alguien que parece tanto com​ o ti
Pero nunca es tu
Sufriendo con algo que no es lo mismo

Solía ser que cada canción era para mi
Solía ser que estaba delante
Ahora estoy en el fondo
No más importante que
Todos los que están aquí
Invisible

Nunca más volveré a ver tu sonrisa
Hacer contacto con tus ojos
Cantando contigo
Bailando por ti

Nunca más bailo
Nadie está aquí
Para ver me
Nadie digno de ver

En cambio, estoy aquí por lado
En un espacio lleno
Mirando por ti
Buscando razón de vivir

...

37

Genderreject

He hands me beer and tells me I’m not alone anymore
$5 down and he’s so proud
He declares he owns me now
That’s funny because I don’t recall asking you for shit
And I don’t recall being on sale

I reject the idea that I have to choose between painting my nails and shadow
boxing the demons in my room

I reject the idea that wearing a dress makes me someone’s meal for the night.

I reject the idea that I can’t
That I won’t
Fuck you up
For laying a hand on me
Because I will

I reject the idea that I must be meek to be get along
That I, by default, must move out of your way
Out of the path of y​ our​ storm

I reject the idea I have got to manage my emotions and somehow also
Assuage y​ our​ anger and placate y​ our​ feelings

Watch out
Cuz I’m a smooth as the spring breeze
And as frigid as an ice storm
I can be the wind beneath your wings
Or knock you of your fucking feet

What’s the problem?
Didn’t expect a mouth like that
All lipstick and “asking-to-be-kissed” like would also be
Dripping words like poison

See, I can be soft
I can be supple
But I didn’t come here to play games
I didn’t come here to satiate you or your needs
In fact I didn’t come here for you at all
And I reject that idea that I should feel the need to entertain you

38

Just because you decided you want to fuck me
Because my body does not exists to pay back debts, or play out one-sided fantasies
Or play into expectations
My body rejects that.

…
39

I Face You

I face you and am calm
I instantly recognize you
As my equal
My other half
As i gaze into you
I am reminded of my own strength
As I watch your smile, I am reminded of my own joy
As I dance with you
The private ritual of two souls joyously reuniting
Moving energy and space
In time with the music
Brushing close
Hand in hand
Familiar steps I’ve always known
Perfect synchronicity
No need for anticipation, or hesitation or doubt

I smile because I can’t hide it
My face, is reflected in yours
Pure joy shining
Purest excitement
Pure presence

Never ending song
With my very favorite dance partner
I don’t have to wonder
Second guess false step
I can lead
Or I can follow
For it makes no difference
Who is in charge when we are one

Our spirits
Come alive
To sparkle and glimmer under colored lights
To play like children do
Unchecked, uninhibited

Unimaginably happy

...

40

Love Shouldn’t Hurt

I am trying less
And expecting more
I am surrendering
I am working hard where it counts
I am letting go where I can
Because
Love shouldn’t hurt
Love shouldn’t hurt
Love shouldn’t hurt

Love shouldn’t cause anxiety
Love holds your hand and takes a deep breath with you
Love shouldn’t make you cry
Love makes you smile in comfort
Love doesn’t keep you in the background
Love stands with you in the forefront
Even when love doesn’t have to
Even when you didn’t ask love for backup

Love doesn’t leave you wanting
Love loves you back
Love doesn’t fault you for being in love
Love marvels at your strength
Love doesn’t make you sick
Love takes care of you
Love doesn’t beg
Love doesn’t have to
Love doesn’t insist
Love listens
Love doesn’t gloat and pretend
Love is humble and wants to learn
Love doesn’t use living in the moment as an excuse to not be there
Love lives in the moments you share together
Love doesn’t apologize all the time
Love doesn’t need to

Because, ultimately, love isn’t here to hurt you
Love’s here to heal you

...

41

One of Those Moments

I think this is one of those moments
He whispered
His face small and earnest
The ones you look back on later
Like a scene in a movie
Or page of a book
The purest art of life
To remind yourself that you had one worth living

I dare not breathe
For fear of shifting the molecules in the air
Around us that cling so tight
Suspended in time
In this one rare moment

I know,​ I say
And I met his eyes with a passionate understanding
I know
A pregnant pause
Ripe with possibility
We couldn’t kissed then, I realized
But we didn’t
Instead we stood still
Quietly connected
And left the moment suspended
Above us
Pure,
Unfettered potential

...

42

You See Me

With you there is no trying
Only being
And what joy it is
To be able to be
Exactly who I am
One hundred percent me

Every small part of me
That was obscured
You, with excitement, get to see
Not in my wildest dreams
Would i have imagined these things
Not only important
But valuable

All the things that at once made me feel odd and strange
Now make me feel unique and lovely
If I am to learn something from you
Perhaps it is just this
In loving you i am learning to love myself
The parts of me I forgotten
the parts that lay dormant, hidden
Obsolete

The parts that I denied in order to maintain connections
That weren’t meant to be

Wow there’s so much to me
You ask without seeking
So it goes without saying
That who I am comes tumbling out
Like clowns crammed in a car
One by one
Joyfully,
I arrive
So you can see me

...

43

1 AM

I walk uphill
The moon
My only
Companion
A snore from the apartment above
As the whole town slumbers on
Unaware
Leaving me, alone
With my grief
With another climb up the lonely hill
With another goodbye
Perfectly imperfect
At the crossroads of space and time

As the clock strikes 1 AM
Our eyelids heavy sitting on the dock of life
And we realize we’ve begun
To repeat stories
We know
There is nothing left to say
But goodbye

So, I released you
To go forth on your path
Knowing and appreciating
Your love for me
And using it as an example
A motivation to find more people
In my life like this

And you released me
Knowing the connection
Needed to be broken
Knowing you’ll always
No matter where you are
Have a friend in me

...

44

Grief: The Routine

Nobody
Told me about this
About navigating the winter of my heart
When I awake so cold
So lonely
I could cry

No one showed me how to find
The difference between solace and solitude
Alone and loneliness
Separate and independent

I wonder now if I chose this
Subconsciously
Set myself up
To wake up each morning in alarm
Hand gripping the empty space besides me
Awareness resettling
That you are gone

Could I have chosen this?

To wake up and pull myself together again
Day after day
Heartbreak after heartbreak
Comfortably disillusioned
I calmly clean up my own mess
Thinking, in the end
I'm probably just better off like this

For
Bitter tears make
Better art
Familiar feelings make
Grief the routine

But my heart is growing weary
Exhausted
From the constant slew of goodbyes
My life has become
Won't someone come and stay?

45

I'm tired
Hand pressed over my chest
I will the ache away
Tears squeeze out instead
Making me sadder
As it turns out,
Loss is not that easy
And yet there's nothing to do but
Move forward
Except every step forward
Seems to lead to another connection
And each connection
Another late night
Another tear streaked goodbye
Another morning waking alone
Getting up, making my coffee, make my bed
Knowing I’ll need to sleep in it
Knowing it was me who made
Grief
The routine

…

46

When It Begins with Your Kiss
Like a cliff
I am always
on the verge of you
like a word
On the tip of my tongue
I am so close to speaking you into existence
I can taste you on my lips
But then again
I remember
It always ends
The same way
When it begins
With your kiss

...
47

To the Women Who

To women
Who apply make up
Like war paint
Who weaponized love
So that
His greatest desire
Will be his greatest downfall
Each stroke
Another target
Another enemy fallen
I see you.

To women
Who have mastered the art of manipulation
Domination
Who took the bullshit they received
And sold it back at them
At a price
Who flipped that shit
Like an old house
Put yourself far above market value
Damn, I see you.

To woman who fight men
In the meeting rooms, on the Senate floor, in the ring
Who are blatant about their anger
Who wear no disguises
Who are called a bitch behind their back
And probably also to their faces
I see you

Undermining the systems that be
Takes more than one course of action
So for those who do
In their own way
Be it subtle or overt
I see you

...

48

Let Go
Maybe in a past life
I held on too tight
It’s why everyone here
Everything
Is asking me to let go
Let go
Let go
Let go
Let go completely
Til you can’t anymore
And then let go again
Deeper
Let go until you are almost unrecognizable
And then keep letting go
Until you see yourself again
The way you are supposed to be
Raw, jewel center
Hidden under all those layers that
You finally
Let go

...

49