WAVE 04-10-17

What do you do when you’re being disrespected? Whether
it’s an occasional occurrence or a frequent one, it doesn’t
feel good when it’s happening and it is often quite difficult
to keep your emotions under control when under attack.

If someone has a habit of disre- that I handled it gracefully and tion and knowledge that could
specting you, they probably do it moved on. mean the difference between
to others as well. While there are success and failure. So, always
times when you need to (respect- That comment has stayed with be open to respectful disagree-
fully) stand up for yourself or me for years, helping me remem- ments and carefully consider
someone else, people recognize ber that it is not necessary to “de- your reaction to them.
bad behavior in others, so don’t fend” myself from every criticism
feel foolish or weak if you let a or comment made, either in pub- Termper Rising
few snipes roll off your back with- lic or in private. Sometimes when
out responding to them or lower- others disagree with you, it may
ing yourself to their level. feel disrespectful. But if you keep
your composure and assertively
For example, I was once disre- state your position, the matter
spected while presiding over a usually passes without further in-
US Olympic Committee Karate cident and all can respectfully
Coaches meeting. A committee agree to disagree.
member disagreed with my plans
to fix a situation, actually making On the flip side, if no one feels
disrespectful faces and gestures comfortable raising an issue, for
and causing extreme discomfort fear of someone’s reaction, they
for the rest of the board. Not may hold back valuable informa-
wanting to cause any more dis-
ruption than necessary by en-
gaging the person at that time, I
reiterated my plan and moved
on, rather than “defending” my-
self.

After the meeting, I began sec-
ond-guessing my decision not to
say anything, thinking I must
have handled the situation
“badly”. As I wondered if I actu-
ally deserved to be a leader at
all, another committee member
approached me and said, “[That
person] may have taken conde-
scension to a new low today, but
you took integrity to a new high.”

That comment showed me that
people recognized who was be-
having badly (and who wasn’t),
and let me know that the
coaches committee was grateful

When you feel your temper rising badge of honor to disrespect students. They kept focused on
because an irate person is taking teachers and try and force them their goals and how they desper-
their anger out on you; or your to quit. ately wanted to improve the stu-
boss or a colleague has just dents’ lives. In showing respect
chastised you (in public); or a to those who didn’t want it, they
loved one has reached their eventually earned respect and
breaking point, ask yourself: the students were successful.
“What is my goal?”

Is it to put this person “in their
place” or to change your own be-
havior to match that of someone
who is acting boorish? Or is it to
maintain your civility, no matter
how the other person behaves?

Two movies about teachers; Despite the outward vile behav- While we can’t always control
“Dangerous Minds” with Michelle ior of the students, the teachers other people’s behavior, we can
Pfeiffer and “The Ron Clark Louanne Johnson and Ron Clark strive to control our own. Like
Story” . Both were exceptional were able to rise above the situ- those teachers in the movies, we
teachers who went into the inner ation and offer respect to their will lead by example. Speaking
city (public schools) to try and from personally experience, I
change the students’ behaviors know this is a difficult task. I also
and expectations. know that when I let someone
get to me so badly that they
The students had no respect for cause me to behave in a manner
anyone in authority and it was a that does not reflect who I really
am, I walk away feeling worse.

So, I remind myself that if I don’t
eventually succeed, I would
rather have failed to inspire
someone else to behave better,
rather than having failed to keep
myself from behaving badly.

Have you ever spoken with a
customer service agent that was
timid about helping you? The
reason according to experts is
because the consumers are be-
coming more aggressive and dis-
respectful. When the agents
attempt to help the customer,
that customer makes the agent
tasked with helping them feel
stupid and not caring.

Here is an experiment you can 88, and has had some health is- moved back home. Now my
try next time you have to contact sues over the past two months, quiet empty nest has three dogs,
a service representative. Start off forgetting names, places and three cats, and a house full of
by asking them how they are having difficulty making deci- girls.
doing and then explain you have sions. He gets frustrated and
a problem and you’re hoping that angry and occasionally will vent Disrespectful Students
they can assist you. After ex- on those who are nearby.
plaining the reason for the call, To quote Tom Hagen speaking
ask them for suggestions or how It’s painful to watch the man you with Sonny Corleone from the
to resolve the issue. When you admired all your life, who worked movie “Godfather”; “This is busi-
get people to buy into in the his way up the corporate ladder ness, not personal.” That is how
problem and give them owner- to Vice President of Exxon going we have to think when students
ship you will see people bend through this aging process. Most show signs of disrespect toward
over backwards to help. The rea- times I am able to compensate those working within a school.
son, you showed them respect! and I consider myself an empa-
thetic person, but I catch myself When you take disrespectful be-
We should never expect to re- feeling impatient and try not to havior personally, two things are
ceive disrespect, but the reality is respond with disrespect. likely to happen:
that it will occur. However, we
don’t have to tolerate it or should Living conditions and stress are 1. You will desire to get even, to
stand for it. When it happens, try big contributors to behavior; show the students who is boss
to look beyond the disrespect good and bad. Personally my
and use compassion along with household dynamic has changed 2. You will be inclined to scold,
extra understanding. Ask your- as my daughter and her two chil- lecture or react with sarcasm.
self does this person usually act dren, two dogs and two cats
like this, or is it something out of
the ordinary. Give them the ben-
efit of the doubt and make an at-
tempt to be civil.

Recently I have been dealing
with aging parents, children and
grandchildren and sometimes,
I’m feeling impatient! My dad is

When you react angrily or with Then you look at teachers who consistently make poor behavior
sarcasm the students will resent have 20 plus years in a class- choices have learned that adults
you, which will most likely result room and wonder how they kept are not trustworthy. They believe
in increased unwanted behavior. their sanity. My mother not only that in the end, all adults will
If you push back with the same had five children in seven years, eventually abandon or abuse
behavior or force them into a cor- she was a fifth grade teacher for them. This abandonment or
ner, they’ll fight back and you will 32 years in Eatontown. I asked abuse might be emotional rather
not be the winner! her how she dealt with raising than physical, but to these stu-
four boys and one girl while dents it is a hard-learned truth.
Have you ever heard a teacher teaching, her answer had four
or someone working in education important skills. Still, deep down, they hope
say; “I don’t care if they dislike there's an exception—an adult
me. It’s not my job to have the First she said you have to know who will treat them with respect,
students like me.” how to use the many effective hold them accountable firmly but
tools for dealing with student gently, and never give up on
Well, that might be true, but it misbehavior. Then she would them, no matter what awful
sure makes that person one less empathize with the horrible expe- things they do or say. So they
effective as a teacher. Don’t let riences some of the children test us by acting out in class. By
students push your buttons, try were dealing with outside of doing so, they are collecting evi-
and get them to stop looking for school. She tried so hard in not dence, watching, noting how we
buttons. letting it get her down when the respond. We redirect their be-
students were acting out or hav- havior in a calm, safe, and struc-
ing a bad day. And the most im- tured way—we pass the test!
portant, she didn’t see herself as
a failure when she was unable to But they've been down this road
modify or change a student’s be- before. Any adult can pass one
havior. test. So they test again. And we

Enforcing your classroom rules—
which should include a rule
specifically for disrespectful be-
havior—with an attitude of indif-
ference strengthens your
authority and your classroom
management effectiveness.

Anyone who has been in a class- According to the Association for pass again. But they know better.
room for, or a room filled with Middle Education they believe
children you know how one fresh that students in classrooms who
child, one disrespectful student are the most disruptive and who
can suck the energy from you no
matter how skilled or talented
you are.



They've met lots of adults who Turning on Subtitles sistance is natural or normal. It is
can hold out, passing these tests also a test. You can pass the test
for months, but in the end will al- Remaining compassionate while by being safe, structured, and
ways disappoint. So students act holding difficult students ac- consistent. The student wants
out even more and worse. They countable is easier said than me to pass the test.
have to break us before we done, however. Here is a strat-
break them. And often, they do. egy that has helped many teach- Soft Eyes, Soft Voice. To be
ers over the years. safe during this confrontation,
So, the experts say using the fol- You need to be calm. you need
lowing skills will help in modifying Imagine that all your students that calm to be expressed in both
students misbehavior. have an invisible subtitle running my verbal and body language. If
along in front of them that is com- you concentrate on keeping the
Compassionate municating to the adults in their muscles around my eyes soft, or
Accountability lives what they really need. neutral, my voice will naturally
Everything else—the nonsense follow. It is a physiological impos-
When we try all year but aren't that comes out of their mouths sibility to have an edge in your
able to reach or help a particular and bodies during difficult inter- voice if the muscles around your
student, that isn't failure. Failure actions—is just noise, interfer- eyes are soft!
is when we stop caring about stu- ence meant to get in the way of Offer a Choice. The student
dents and stop trying to help our reading and responding to
them. their subtitle.

At the same time, we don't let As much as possible, try to ig- needs to be clear that he or she
them slide. We keep holding nore the noise and respond to has a choice to do what I am ask-
them accountable for their be- the subtitle. For example, a stu- ing or to continue to resist. Make
havior. Even consequences for dent might be yelling out, "This is it clear by actually saying it: "You
non-compliance or defiance can stupid! Why we gotta do this?" have a choice right now. You can
be given from a place of internal while her subtitle might say, "This choose to (comply with request)
empathy, while being firm and is hard for me. Help me to suc- and then (good consequence)
consistent. It's the difference be- ceed and let me save face, too." will happen or you can choose to
tween giving a consequence that If you can find the subtitle instead (not comply with request) and
will teach them to make better of losing your cool and raising then (negative consequence) will
choices and giving a conse- your voice and lecturing the stu- happen." Whatever the choice,
quence because we are sick and dent about disrespect and inap- there is a consequence. But it is
tired of their behavior and want to propriate language, You can imperative that the student un-
punish them for making our lives respond more compassionately. derstands that it is his or her
harder. You might say, "Yes. I know this choice how this interaction con-
is hard and sometimes hard tinues, how it ends, and whether
We have to keep holding them things feel unnecessary and we the consequence is positive or
gently but firmly accountable for want to avoid them. But I'm here negative.
their behavior. And we have to to help. Let's work it out."
keep believing that they can
learn to be appropriate and en- Overcoming Resistance
gaged, even when all evidence is
to the contrary. Assume the Best. Student re-

Respect the Choice Made.
Whether the student chooses to
comply or chooses to continue to
resist, this is not personal. You
are not being attacked or disre-
spected. It is just a test.

Give the Consequence. If the
student chooses to comply, he or
she earns the positive conse-
quence of the confrontation end-
ing and equilibrium being
restored. If he or she chooses to
argue or resist, the previously
stated negative consequence is
instated and we move to Step 6.

Escalate the Choice. If after
being offered a clear calm choice
to comply the student still does
not choose to do so, he or she
receives the negative conse-
quence (from Step 5). And now
offer him or her a new choice
with a more uncomfortable con-
sequence attached. Continue to
do this until he or she ultimately
complies. If that doesn't happen,
he or she is temporarily removed
from the interaction or class.

Remember that defiance, disre-
spect, and confrontation in gen-
eral are all just tests. Struggling
teachers sometimes hold a belief
that respect is something that
should automatically be afforded
them because they are the adult
authority figure in the room rather
than something they must earn
through a series of interactions
over time. Or, from the student's
perspective, a series of tests
being passed over time.

Hazed athlete: School gram video went viral. No word on whether the white
looked the other way student has since been disci-
The video didn’t tell the whole plined for his role in the incident.
A Wyoming district has agreed to story.
pay an undisclosed settlement to
a student-athlete who said he It only captured an altercation
was hazed by a star player. between a white and a black stu-
dent at Wake Forest High.

The suit claimed the coaches ig- The white teen taunted the black
nored the behavior because the teen. He responded with two
perpetrator was one of the best body slams, later saying he had
athletes on the football team. reached his “breaking point.”

According to the victim’s lawsuit, The black teen was originally De-escalation training: 3
the perpetrator: suspended for 10 days. The new twists on proven
1. touched the victim in sexual white student was not disci- best practices
way plined.
2. called the victim homophobic Reality check
slurs, and Turns out, the black student had
3. put his genitals on the face been goaded by the white teen The term “de-escalation” is just a
and mouth of the victim while he for months – and he’d reported fancy way to say adults step in at
was asleep during a return bus the bullying to the school three the first sign of trouble to handle
trip from an away football game. times. issues before they escalate to
bigger problems.
Ugly Instagram video But it failed to take action to stop
uncovers race-based the bully, who allegedly: Here are three key parts of a
solid de-escalation plan, from the
bullying 1. called the suspended boy the National Crisis Prevention Insti-
N-word, a convict and a crack- tute.
North Carolina school officials head
backtracked on the length of a 1. Cool, calm and collected
teen’s suspension after an Insta- 2. said he looked like he bathed
in dirt and coffee beans, and For de-escalation techniques to
be effective, adults must check
3. threatened to kill his family. their egos at the door. And keep-
ing your cool can be tough be-
Classmates protested the boy’s cause students will push the
suspension, creating a petition boundaries. That’s just what kids
on Change.org that’s garnered do.
more than 30,000 signatures.
You probably hold training ses-
The school ended up reducing sions on these best practices:
the black teen’s suspension to
five days.

2.Remain calm and rational-How clearly and concisely. Try to redi-
you respond sets the stage for rect them.
the way the drama unfolds. Ap-
pearing angry shows the student Kick up training with this twist:
that you’re not in control of your Guidance counselors are experts
emotions. on communicating with upset
students. Ask your counselors to
Ignore questions that challenge help you create scripts and role-
your authority – Answering jabs playing scenarios to use in train-
like “What are you gonna do ing sessions.
about it?” only fuels a power
struggle. 3. Reading nonverbal cues

New twist to take staff training to Being aware of body language is
the next level: Turn “staying cool, a crucial element of safety. The
calm and collected” into a game. more a student loses control, the
Offer small, no-cost rewards – less he or she listens to your
such as a prime parking spot for words.
a week, no lunch duty for a week,
etc. – for staff who defuse a po- These are best practices:
tential problem.
1 Be aware of your body position
2. What you say, – Standing eye-to-eye and toe-
how you say it to-toe sends a challenging mes-
sage. It’s better to stand to the
Many schools use training ses- side.
sions that outline these best
practices for communicating dur- 2. Respect personal space –
ing an incident: Stand two to three feet away
from students who are acting out.
1. Ask open-ended questions – Crowding their space can make
Listen carefully. Paraphrase the them more tense.
answers back to students to
make sure you understand the 3. Use physical techniques only
real issue. as a last resort – If you have to
use physical tactics, use the
2. Permit verbal venting if possi- least restrictive methods.
ble – Sometimes students just
need to blow off some steam. New twist: Keep staff sharp.
Provide a private space and lend Send out weekly emails with a
an ear to let students get things snippet – just a line or two – on
off their chests. the signs of aggressive body lan-
guage.
3. Set and enforce reasonable
limits – If students become overly Next two pages are a
hostile or belligerent, state limits restraint checklist