1970-04 - Sexy Cover

APRIL 1970 j ^ I ^ 5 2 C i ) S 3 £ ^ i 7SCENTS,ND'

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

future shock
fcJS

Watch the future hit you smack in
the face before you're prepared.
Hear it live, on HARVEST.
Serving the U.S. Music Industry
for under a year.

* V '•]

roy harper "fourth way

*»'

flat baroque the sun & moon §»
& berserk have come together

kevin avers. forest battered ornaments pinkfloy.

... * a mirage of ">mantle-piece ummagumma

JOT©?-RYOT

joWyWWof *aTWto8y

certaCinotpieysright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Cocktails for two at a sidewalk cafe—intimate moments reflected amid
the whirlwind pace of a busy workman's day. A vision of fashion f a m e -
mirrored in the elegance of Sero shirtmanship. The Margate spread with
shaped body—for the man who seeks individuality in his wardrobe.

MAN

For the store nearest you, write SERO of New Haven, New Haven,Connecticut

A division of National Appafel C c r c o i a i on.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Volume I, No. April 1970

Page 22 Page 27 Page 34
Sex Through the Ages White House Romance Pornocopia
By Richard Armour By Steve Kaplan By Michael O'Donoghue
A history of you-know-what, plus fifty Even at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., there The best of those books you used to hide
puns on "fig-leaf." lurks . . . White House Heartbreak! under the mattress. (Used to?)

Page 39 Page 48 Page 53
Oh! Hefner! The Schoenstein Report Mondo Perverto Magazine
By Mark Mac Arthur By Ralph Schoenstein By Michael O'Donoghue and T. Gould
A passel of pulchritudinous pix of perky The Harris Poll that tells you what all The truth shall set you free, buster, and if
Penelope Plastique. those filthy Harrises are up to. it doesn't, kiss off.

#fan •f J\
Page 60 Page 64 Page 68
I, a Splurch Rockwall's Erotic Drawings The Kuku Sutra
By John Weidman By Roger Price
What happens when nice Dr. Sexx meets By Douglas Kenney The man who put the "oohs" in "Guru'
dirty old Dr. Freud . . .? A rather small portfolio. Cheap at half the tells you how, how long and with what.

Page 72 price,
Sex Poems
By Patrick Coffey Zfe 2 7 7.
There once was a man from Bridgeport,
dee dum dee dee dum dee dee dum. 417 6*
2?. ' 5 ?

Page 75 Page 85
Goth of the Month Puzzle Pages
By Rick Meyerowitz
The first in a new series of Big-Timers. By Christopher Cerf
Collect them all. Hey, kids! Just fill in the dots, and Uncle
Chris will make you smile.

COLUMNS FEATURES AND SO FORTH

Horrorscope Dirty Linen Editorial
Page 8 Page 74 Page 5
Mrs. Agnew's Diary The April Best-Seller List Letters to the Editor
Page 10 Page 76 Page 6
Uncle Tom's Cabin The Love Letters of Aristotle Onassis Coming this Month
Page 12 Page 78 Page 21
People Are . . . How Old Is that Chestnut? Puzzle Answers
Page 14 Page 82 Page 79
Son of Homo Sapiens The Five Ages of Woman
Page 18 Page 80

NATIONAL L A M P O O N T M M A G A Z I N E : "National Lampoon" is a registered CHANGE OF ADDRESS: Subscriber please send change of address to Circulation
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Copyright i 1970 National Lampoon, Inc., 635 Madison Avenue. New York, N.Y, weeks for change. P O S T M A S T E R : Please mail Form 3579 notices to: Circulation
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ADVERTISING INFORMATION: Contact Advertising Director, National Lam-
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Additional $1.00 for Canada and Mexico. $2.00 for Foreign. Second-class postage Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022, or call (212) 688-4070. Re-
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2 cited material.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

THE CONTEST

FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER

You can't lose. WON A CONTEST

Everyone who enters wins first iA • W y.
prize, an 18" x 24" original Mort

Drucker poster. (It's not exactly a

cabin cruiser, but at least you're •w
a winner.)

Second prize (for the big

loser) is an MG Midget Sports Car.

(Car buffs please note: The Midget

features a 4-speed qear box, twin

r, ,I i f o u can't wcai Mack l o i k i wlih cvciyHhlng.

carburetion, spoke wheels, and a _ ,_„ __„_

62 hP engine.) first prize: 18 x 24 Poster

Additional prizes in Esquire Socks Downy Touch contest (it runs from March 15 to

April 30) include Yamaha motorcycles, record albums and a host of other prizes.

To enter, visit your local men's furnishing store or department store and look for the

Downy Touch display. While you're there pick up a pair of Esquire Socks Downy Touch.

They come in 55 colors and cost only $1.50. It's your big chance to become a winner,

and get a pretty neat poster at the same time. [ s q u | r e $ 0 c k s l O W I i y ToUCll

Second prize: MG Sports Car

Another fine producl of Kayse'-Ro»h

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

©The National Brewing Co oi Ballo . Md at Ballo . Md Also Phoenix • Miami • Detroit

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Editor
Douglas C. Kenney

Colt4S Executive Editor Managing Editor
1 MALT LIQUOR Henry N. Beard Robert K. Hoffman

Colt 45 French Fries Art Direction
Peel potatoes. Cut potatoes.
Fry potatoes. Remove from till Skurski Peter Bramley
grease. Drain on open copy
of The Saturday Evening Contributing Editors
Post.
Michael O'Donoghue Christopher Cerf Michael Frith Tamara Gould
Colt 45 Grilled Cheese
Put cheese sandwich under Publisher
hot lights in dingy room. Leonard Mogel
Have detective ask it em-
barrassing questions until it Copy Editor Assistant Art Director Production Manager Subscription Manager
is properly grilled. Edythe Kopman Stephanie Phelan Charlotte Goodwin Howard Jurofsky

Colt 45 Baked Potato Design and Layout
Wrap in aluminum foil. Place
in front of TV screen. Ultra- Cloud Studio, Inc.
violent rays will cook.
The National Lampoon, Inc. is a subsidiary of Twenty First Century Communications Company, Inc.
Colt 45 Hamburger
Roll ground beef into size Matty Simmons, Chairman Leonard Mogel, President George Agoglia, Vice President
of official American League
baseball. Without putting ADVERTISING SALES West Coast: DICK THOMPSON.
fingers to mouth, hurl against New York: ROBERT L. SCHAFFEL. Advertising Director Smith & Hollyday, Inc., 5478 Wilshii Blvd., Los Angeles,
wall until flat. Cook. National Lampoon, 635 Madison Ave., New York Calif. 90036. (213) 9380111
N.Y. 10022, (212) 688-4070
Colt 45 Hot Dogs TONY ARNONE, Smith & Hollyday, Inc., 22 Battery St.,
Get pot. Approach cold wa- Chicago: THOMAS W. BRYANT, Jr., Western Advertis- San Francisco, Calif., 94111, (415) YU 1-1299
ter with pot in right hand, ing Manager Southeast: J. SIDNEY CRANE & Associates, 22 Eighth
Turn on. Fill pot half way. Put National Lampoon, 645 North Michigan Ave., Chicago, St. N.E., Atlanta, Ga. 30309, (404) 872-6720
hot dogs in pot. Cook. III., 60611, (312) 337-7625

Colt 45 Ocean Delight — EDITORIAL—
Buy can of sardines. Re-
move key from can. Insert lit- Thomas Carlyle once remarked, "True humor springs not
tle do-hickey on side of can more from the head than the heart." Of course, what the silly
into slot in key. Turn gently old Rosicrucian might have meant by this is yet Shrouded in
until you reveal sardines. Mystery. Nevertheless, our Famous Writers' School pamphlet
Swallow sardine and follow entitled Editorials Made E-Z swears that any random theft
with healthy swig of Amer- from Bartlett will make the reader sit up and take notice,
ica's No.1 Malt Liquor. . . . thus leading to Big Pay in our Spare Time. But the hard fact
Colt 45. that there is a veritable Sahara of space between this line and
the bottom of the page goads us into further exploration of
the nature of the Editorial. The dictionary, for an example, de-
fines "editorial" as "of or relating to an editor." Well, there
you are. Another aspect of the Editorial is the traditional state-
ment of Editorial Policy. Following the ancient and honorable
Creed of Fergus, we, the editors, do likewise put forth a state-
ment of Our Editorial Policy. Our Editorial Policy shall, like
Gaul, in three parts divided be:

Firstly, we shall constrain ourselves to Minding our Own
Business.

Secondly, we shall endeavor at all times and in all places to
Keep our Noses Clean by the most expedient possible means.

Thirdly, and finally, we shall always exercise the utmost care
to Keep our Hands to Ourselves.

IINB, DCK, RKM

T Y, C -J> 1 23&,*&&

- A r'-j

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Sirs: Sirs: Young Dandy: (Put off his guard.)
It says here that you're starting some Webster has been dead for a hundred Egad! My twin vanities are my ruin!

sort of funny magazine. All I can say is and eighteen years. (If you can't use this one. I'll send along
that you people have a lot of nerve. J. Galsworthy some others. I have six hundred of them.)
Haven't you looked outside your own self-
ish egos long enough to see that people are London. England Sherman Pig
being wronged and oppressed all over the Chagrin Palls. Ohio
world? Take the fascist military regimes Sirs:
which grow in number every year. In these I see from your vulgar promotional ma- Sirs:
stricken countries, you can't even look Can you give me any information as to
cross-eyed without the secret police writ- terial that your magazine will treat themes
ing your name down in their little note- of general interest. Have you considered the whereabouts of one Sidney Hornsby?
books. It may be even years later that one devoting an issue to the pancreas? I am He is approximately 5 feet 9 inches with
night you are roused from your sleep by sure that if you investigate the manifold gray eyes and thinning brown hair. He
the terrifying sound of rifle butts breaking implications of this most vital and most usually wears a charcoal gray suit with a
down your flimsy rattan door. The brutal ignored of the bodily organs, your nose thin red tie and has difficulty pronouncing
thugs drag you. heedless of your piteous will fall off in astonishment. the word "plinth." He was last seen
cries, deep, deep into the jungle. Never to boarding a Greyhound bus for Dayton
return. And you. with your funny maga- Richard Spenser with a damp brown package under his
zine. Washington. D.C. arm. and I have reason to believe he may
attempt to contact you in the next few
Viola da Gamba Sirs: hours.
South Orange. N.J. The other day. I was coming out of the
Katherine Kopo
Sirs: plant when I see this beautiful babe walk- Larchmonl. N.Y.
As I was looking through this issue. I ing across the street. Holy Toledo. I say to
myself, what a doll. So I give her a Sirs:
came across some startling errors. In your whistle, she turns around to give me a Congratulations on the first issue of
rather tasteless column entitled Mrs. Ag- look, and what do you think? The babe
new's Diary, for example, you claim that turns out to be one of those goddam hip- your magazine! Will you always have dir-
Mrs. John Mitchell is nicknamed "Bin- pie creep types. It really burns me up. It's ty pictures? If so. please put me on your
ky." This is simply and absolutely untrue. getting so you can't tell the boys from the subscribers' list. If not. please do not put
I am sure I speak for the American people girls nowadays. me on your subscribers' list, as I would
when I say that such ridicule of our na- not like your magazine if it does not have
tion's foremost citizens is only indicative Ruth Donleavy dirty pictures.
of the sorry state of our country's younger Bridgeport. Conn.
generation. Hans Holbein
Sirs: Delft. Holland
Spiggy Agnevv The quiet walks, the noisy fun. the ball-
Washington. D.C. Sirs:
room prize we almost won. We will have I've called and I've called a thousand
Sirs: these moments to remember.
Love is no hot-house flower, but a wild times, but your floozy of a secretary keeps
Alfredo de Dare giving me some runaround about how
plant, born of a wet night, born of an hour Phoenix. Ariz. you're either out to lunch or in Antigua.
of sunshine: sprung from a wild seed. she can't remember which. 1 am sending
blown along the road by a wild wind. A Sirs: this letter certified so I can prove (in
wild plant that, when it blooms by chance How come everybody makes fun of the court, if necessary) that you are con-
within the hedge of our gardens, we call a sciously trying to avoid me. How can you
flower: and when it blooms outside we call Mafia? They act like it's a big terrible treat me this way after all those thrilling
a weed: but. flower or weed, whose scent thing if a few guys want to play the num- things you said last November 11th? You
and colour are always wild! bers once in a while. I don't think people must feast on lies. Call me tonight or I'll
should make a big deal about the Mafia. I have Horace take you out to the toolshed.
J. Galsworthy don't think you should make a big deal
London. England out of the Mafia either, unless you want a Blanche Crowley
plumber to help you swallow your lunch. Ml. Vernon. Iowa
Sirs:
I cannot but take exception to the pre- Guido Fettucini Sirs:
Newark. N.J. Hey. what is this (deleted)? I pick up
ceding letter. The initial premise, that
"love is no hot-house flower." may well be Sirs: this (deleted) magazine because it has this
true, but I can see no reason for advocat- I don't know whether or not you accept broad on the cover, and inside all I get is
ing the extremely antithetical position that this (deleted) about Eleanor Roosevelt.
love is some sort of "wild plant." This sort unsolicited manuscripts for your new- Some gyp. If you ever pull this again. I'll
of thing is pure, irresponsible fantasy. magazine. but if you do. I would like to take your (deleted) (deleted) and shove it
Webster's Collegiate Dictionary correctly submit the following gag for your kind right up your (deleted) until your (deleted)
defines love as "tender and passionate af- consideration: fall off and you hang bv vour own (de-
fection for one of the opposite sex." leted).
Where does Galsworthy get off? He's been Young Dandy: (Upon observing a
dead for thirty-seven years. young lady struggling with a pile of pack- I bet you won't have the (deleted) to
ages.) Pardon me. my good woman, but print this, you (deleted) (deleted!)
Mayflower van Lines could I be of service?
Shaker Heights. Ohio Col. R. Nopple (Retired)
Young Lady: (Irritated at the Young San (deleted). Calif.
Dandy's foppish dress and cloying man-
ner.) Yes. my good man. you can direct
me to any helpful gentleman who does not
affect foppish dress and cloying manners!

6

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.









Why an

automatic turntable

from Swindon, England

has made it big

At the risk of seeming immodest, he States. present at least, it is another Garrard

we've had a smashing success in the exclusive.

United States. Other 1970 Garrard refinements

There are more Garrards being weight to neutralize the arm and an ad- include a counterweight adjustment

used in component stereo systems here justment to add precisely the correct screw for balancing the tone arm to

than all other makes combined. stylus tracking force. within a hundredth of a gram. A win-

Even we find this a curious fact. In 1964, we added an anti-skat- dow scale on the tone arm for the stylus

But the die was cast thirty-odd ing control, and patented the sliding force gauge. And a larger, more precise

years ago. weight design that makes it perma- version of our anti-skating control.

nently accurate. Un-innovating

Not parity, but superiority Then, in 1967, Garrard engineers

H. V. Slade, then Managing Di- perfected the Synchro-Lab motor, a At the same time, we've elimi-
rector of Garrard Limited, decreed, revolutionary two-stage synchronous nated a feature we once pioneered. A
"We will sell a Garrard in the U.S. only motor. bit of un-innovating, you might say.

when it is more ad- The induction portion supplies Garrard's disappearing record
vanced than any ma- the power to reach playing speed in- platform is disappearing for good.
chine made there." stantly. The synchronous section then
"locks in" to the 60-cycle frequency of We've replaced it with a non-
A commitment the current to give unvarying speed de- disappearing record platform. A larger,
to, not parity, but ab- spite variations in voltage. stronger support with an easy-to-grasp
solute superiority. clip that fits surely over the stack.
"We're bloody flattered"
Spurred by it, A small thing, perhaps.
Garrard of England This year one of our competitors But another indication that H.V.'s
H.V. Slade (1889—1961 has been responsi- commitment remains with us.

ble for every major innovation in auto- has introduced a copy of our Synchro- $44.50 to $129.50

matic turntables. Lab motor on its most expensive model.

In the thirties, Garrard pioneered To quote Alan Say, our Head of Garrard standards do not vary

the principle of two-point record sup- Engineering, "We're bloody flattered. with price. Only the degree of refine-

port. Still the safest known method of "After all, being imitated is a ment possible for the money.

record handling. Oddly, still a Garrard rather good measure of how significant There are six Garrard component

exclusive. an innovation really is." models from the SL95B automatic

In the forties, we introduced the The new Garrard SL95B features turntable (above) for $129.50 to the

aluminum tone arm. Today, widely used still another development we expect 40B at $44.50.

by makers of fine equipment. will become an industry standard. Your dealer can help you arrive-

By 1961, increasingly sensitive Garrard's viscous damped tone at the optimum choice for your system.

cartridges had led us to adapt a feature arm descent—originally offered to pro-

originally developed for professional vide gentler, safer cueing—now oper- Garrard
turntables: the dynamically balanced ates in automatic cycle as well.
tone arm, with a movable counter-
It seems only logical. Yet, for the

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. British Industries Co.. a division of Avnet. Inc.

"April is the crudest month," wrote the Out of Sight (out of sit) adj. "Of an ex- should be informed tactfully that bad
white poet T. S. Eliot, and not without cellent character." When greeting a new dudes are an essential for your gig, man.
reason. In white suburbia, the kids are trainee, the employer should immediately (Bad, it should be noted here, means
happily helping honkey dad polish up the show his sensitivity to the black struggle "good," or "nifty." Another term for
Country Squire and the brass flamingo. for equality by raising his right fist and ex- "good" is boss, but it is suggested that
but in the black ghetto most of our cats claiming, "Hey, there, fellow, you're white employers avoid the tempting pun
have never had the opportunity to even see black and you're proud!" The employee when devising light-hearted remarks.)
a brass flamingo, and the few who have will be flattered at such savoir /aire and Where it's at (war its at) adj. "Appro-
were probably so hungry they tried to eat will respond, "Yes, indeed, and you're priate," "fashionable " or "important."
it. It is little wonder that many white and out of sight]" This is an extremely popular phrase
well-intentioned but misguided "militant" Fox (foks) n. "An attractive woman; a among black employees and should be
black brothers are shunning whitey's "lib- wife or female with whom intimacies may used with liberality. Retirement plans,
eral" attempts at social integration and be shared." A diplomatic white employer promotional campaigns and the com-
are making up rag fuses for cocktail par- should always inquire after the healtn of pany's new valve-grinding machines may
ties of their own. his black employee's fox. (He should not, all be safely described as where it's at.
however, inquire after the health of said (Use this term correctly and soon your
In the past, such white groups as the fox's cubs. He may use the term "little black workers will heartily agree that you
National Urban Coalition Of Guilty Cor- foxes" for the "children" if the black em- are also where it's at!)
poration Vice-Presidents have given the ployee's name happens to actually be Split (split) v. "To depart, leave, or go
black man the chance to trade his push- " F o x " or, by some quirk, Lillian Hel- away from." Various forms of split are in
broom for a pushbutton telephone and a lman.) common use, and each form has a subtly
meaningful position within corporation different meaning. Three of the most
management. But such programs, usually Fly (fli) adj. "Attractive to the opposite well-known splits are the stock, rail, and
dubbed something like "Project Up, Up sex." Upon first meeting, say at the com- banana.
and Away!" more often than not turn out pany picnic, the wise employer com-
to be liberal lead balloons. pliments his black employee on the flyness Together (to geth'er) adj. "State of max-
of his fox. He should assure the couple imum self-confidence; an optimum coordi-
The real reason that these programs that this is neither jive (prevarication) nor nation of abilities." (If the employer is to-
have failed is a basic lack of commu- hype (exaggeration). An employer who is gether, his employees are much less likely
nication between the culturally-naive white known to be a mere talker of trash (in- to split.
manager and the inner-city-bred black sincere banter) will soon find himself la-
employee. What to whitey is "very styl- beled a creep. Sock it to me (sbk it too'me) interj. "An
ish" is, in the colorful language of our exclamation requesting any form of inter-
people, "very hep to the jive." The Gig (gig) n. "An individual's vocation or personal energy release." Do not confuse
frequent misunderstandings that arise over a v o c a t i o n . " Frequent participation in with the unrelated fiduciary exhortation,
such differences in vocabulary and nuance yacht club races can be fairly considered a sock it away.
can lead to an embarrassing faux pas, and
what is worse, lower productivity. gig- Soul brother (sol bro ther) n. "Fellow
Bread (bred) n. "Legal tender," "stock black employee," used to. express racial
If the white employer ever expects to certificates" or, literally, "stuff that you solidarity. The employer should take pains
develop a relaxed rapport with his new, give to somebody to get something else in- to respect the mutual bonds of loyalty that
black employee, he would do well to study stead of." exist among his black employees. He may
carefully the following lexicon of common Slave (slav) n. "A gig for bread." Often also impress upon his black executives
black terms. When fully conversant with colorfully termed a job, or, less frequently, that success in a corporate structure may
them, he will find himself well along the employment. require occasional competition with, and
road to Mutual Understanding. Dudes (dudz) n. "Clothing" or "wearing the outmaneuvering of, his fellow soul
apparel." If the black employee's personal
appearance is important to his work, he •

Uptight (iip tit') adj. Literally, "disquieted "No, Marshal, no.' It's taken me years to train that
over a present or impending ill." A black lynch mob!"
executive will become uptight if pointedly
offered watermelon at a business lunch-

12

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

STUDIOS-FINE ART PRINTS

ORDER DIRECT FROM THE PUBLISHER & SAVE!

OIL PAINT • ARTIST CANVAS • HAND SILK SCREEN • LITHOGRAPHS • POSTERS

"WE

and black. Impressive and poipn3nl
NT protest. 16" x 35". Only 6 . f
164. Above on paper. Only 3.95

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Jean-Claude Lunch Emit Durkheim

PEOPLE ARE...

BuT.a m a r a \J70Uld Rudolph Bentworsky Cleo Moore

PEOPLE ARE ABSOLUTELY DYING . . . to crash the tiny, tiny PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT . . . Jean-Claude Lunch: 76, cur-
little dinners Principe Romulus de Remus gives for the most ly gray hair, stands straight as a ramrod, from the oldest fami-
important people in Europe. II Principe (who comes from the ly in Bruges, and absolutely, unpredictably VIOLENT. His
oldest Roman family) is Secretary General of the League of book. The Theatre of the Whip, swims in every mind truly de-
Nations. The League is doing reams of important work in a voted to theater and anti-theater. If you are in Bruges, a small
quiet way, unraveling prickly plebiscite problems left over fortune (and a raft of references from such people as Principe
from World War I (the war as far as everyone rich and chic in Romulus de Remus) will get you tickets to Lunch's staging of
Europe is concerned), and his many, many diplomatic duties Death of a Salesman, the only play our Jean-Claude regards as
scarcely leave the principe an ounce of time to devote to his worth the trouble. Sometimes, he puts members of the very
billion-dollar (or is it lira?) cosmetic empire. small, very select audience in great vats of cream. As they
thrash around, the cream turns to butter. It's freaky, but
PEOPLE ARE FRANTIC WITH WORRY . . . about Cleo Moore, people are doing it!
whom no one has seen since the middle 1950's. Cleo's the big
blonde (everyone loved her) who made her name as "The Long PEOPLE ARE FLOCKING . . . to Dr. Rudolph Bentworsky. a pre-
Kiss Girl" by kissing people for minutes and hours on end. cious poltergeist of a Pole who is simply redoing the eyes of ev-
Plus ca change. . . . We happen to know that Cleo, who's very eryone enviable you've ever envied. Contessa Porsena (the chic
much into the whole exciting Women's Liberation thing these sister of Principe Romulus de Remus) floored everyone at the
days, has had her lips removed as her own very personal pro- Bruges premiere of Jean-Claude Lunch's Death of a Salesman
test against masculine exploitation and is now living in seclu- when she arrived after having her eyelids icicled by Dr. Bent-
sion in Boca Raton, Fla. worsky. In this short, painless operation. Dr. Bentworsky
singes off the natural growth of eyelash with a blowtorch: then.
PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED . . . at how quickly the whole Black in a special "deep cold" room in his Upper East Side town
Power-Civil Rights balloon burst. . . . Were not. . . . All house, he carefully uses an eyedropper to place tiny drops of
that talk-talk-talk about "oppression"—so negative, so shrill. liquid on the scarred lid. Sooner or later, beautiful little icicles
so un/un. Too bad, because properly promoted, that divine begin to form on the scar tissue and the effect is . . . magic!
black skin could have become fashion law.
PEOPLE ARE CAPTIVATED BY . . . Emile Durkheim, society's
PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT . . . crime, petite crime, street
crime, up-tight, middle-of-the-night crime . . . LATEST newest cult figure. Emile's best-selling Le Suicide is on every
FLASH—absolutely too thrilling to ram through the chicest
store in town (where you have an impeccable charge, of credenza and prie-dieu. Emile's unique importance lies in the
course!) and simply slather yourself all over with shoplifted
goodies. . . . Unbreakable Rule: Don't take a thing you really fact that he believes that religion and morality originate in the
truly want. If you get caught (too amusing), you just charge it
all and return it the next day. If you get away scot-free-as- collective mind of society, which is quite amusing if you stop to
a-bird, use your "haul" for stocking-stuffers—or chuck it
down the garbage disposal. think about it. People are wondering whether Emile and the

PEOPLE ARE REVIVING . . . our priceless religious heritage. Buy vivacious Mme. Durkheim will be staying at the Palm Beach
a starched nun's habit white-as-the-snow with just a heavenly
hint of an empire waist—or an antique reliquary studded with house of Mrs. Stephen (Laddie) Sanford again this winter, or
jewels just too precious. . . . Break the trust wide open and
splurge on an old church (any denomination but Lutheran will whether they'll stay in their beloved Paris, where Emile is le-
do) that can be moved piece by sacred piece to the Hamptons
and used as a beach house. . . . Invite a minister (Episcopali- gally dead. •
an is nicest) to dinner and make him recite those charming.
old-as-the-hills creeds and blessings. It's freaky, but people are
doing it.

14

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

iWi'JWJId

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wDor% of H o m o i>a^>ier\s

It's no good, MFLXX, the Martian Death-Ray Doesn't Even Slow Them Down.

The nasty cathode glow your TV casts as BRYCE: There's only one thing to do. Acti- covers the magnetic spyrofonic gyroscliff?
it shows the astronauts on the moon may vate Plan B. After all. they've got dishwashers and the
not reduce you to an ashy by-product, but. electric toothbrush.
alas, it is the dread destructo ray itself for At moments of suspense, like this. MFLLX: Relax, relax, this is going to be
science fiction monster films. They have people often wonder if there is any cure. like shooting fish in a barrel.
gone, gurgling and smoking all the way, to short of actual surgery, that is, for per-
an obscure grave, the victims, appro- sistent psoriasis, and the networks have a If you missed seeing Attack in the orig-
priately enough, of the same phalanx of way of knowing that sort of thing, so the inal, then it's dollars to dacron dinosaurs
faceless scientists whose oxygen destroyers following scene is lost. that you also missed Return of the Sizable
and atomic depilators cut down Godzilla. Beasts, an early Japanese vehicle for the
Mothra, and the Brain from Planet Arous Cut to a flying saucer high above entire population of Osaka. It is a gen-
in the first flower of youth. It is a great Chesapeake Bay. The interior closely re- uine, oven-ready Tom with a dressed
loss, although it is tempered somewhat by sembles that of a '54 DeSoto except for a weight of six tons, and it made a nice
the recent appearance on the Late Show large, glowing fish tank which is emitting three-point landing in.every Orpheum in
of many of the old classics, and if some- cacophonous shrieks. Two green and scaly North America in 1953. Early in the film.
one will produce a brainometer or a naso- looking creatures are seated on cut-down shortly after the last toothsome scow from
graph or something, I will demonstrate Sealy posturpedics. One of them is look- Japan's once proud fishing fleet has been
beyond a doubt that the average viewer ing through a viewfinder much like the digested by mysterious creatures whom
finds the s p e c t a c l e of g r e a t flan- ones to be found at scenic spots, even to the terrified and superstitious natives refer
nel-and-chicken-wire behemoths puttering the coin slot. to as "Matsushita" or "They of the Low
around in model train layouts consid- Budget," Colonel Nammamura pays a
erably more exciting than the sight of a MFLLX: I know this is going to sound silly. visit on Dr. Mammanura in the latter's se-
pair of Air Force colonels scouring the but it looks like they're shooting some of cret laboratory. Dr. Mammanura. with
surface of the moon for gift paperweights. those old V-2's at us. There's a Nike in the aid of a vacuum cleaner, a hastily as-
Unfortunately, the networks have a habit there, too. and. Jesus, there's the Good- sembled erector set and an ingenious com-
of cutting crucial segments from these year blimp. bination world globe and pencil sharpener.
films and replacing them with com- has just explained to the Colonel the prin-
mercials, but I was there when this herd of GFLLX: Let me see. ciple of the atom pulverizer.
50-foot turkeys made their first noisy
sweep through neighborhood theaters, and MFLLX: Hey. and they've dragged all those COL. N.: That's all very well. Doctor
I have been able to reconstruct from mem- battleships out of mothballs. The Chesa- Mammanura, but what if these beasts go
ory. with the aid of the remarkable peake looks like a yacht basin. for the cities? Think of the destruction.
mnemonoscope, a few of the missing GFLLX: Let's think this thing over. DR. M.: Ah. yes.
scenes. (Don't look at me like that. James- MFLLX: Oh, come on, we can turn them COL. N.: And even if it works, that atom
on. I know what I saw.) into mush. pulverizer of yours won't be ready for a
week. What do we do if they strike before
For example, in Attack of the Annoying GFLLX: But why Washington? You know then?
Saucer People, there is a suspensef ul scene that just drives them nuts. Why not Balti- DR. M.: Pray. Colonel, pray.
in the headquarters of the newly formed more or Wilmington or something?
United World Headquarters for Planetary MFLLX: A couple of lousy rockets and During the commercial, we cut to a cav-
Defense. The UWHFPD occupies a large you're ready to go back to Mars. You ern deep under the sea. In the center of the
bureaucratic-looking room filled with tele- want to spend the rest of your life harvest- chamber is a large slab of basalt piled with
types, fans and desk models of the B-36. ing canal slime? travel folders, brochures and almanacs.
Through the window is visible the Wash-
ington Monument, the Capitol, the Stat- GFLLX: Travel, adventure a pushover.
ue of Liberty and Mount Rushmore. Swell. Nobody said anything about three
There are about a hundred people milling billion raving lunatics with atom bombs.
around, mostly Air Force colonels, a few And what if some obscure scientist dis-
of whom look oddly familiar, but there
are a couple of greasers in the telltale
bellhop garb of foreign powers, and they
give the whole scene an unmistakably in-
ternational air. A clerk rushes into the
room and approaches a general (Ameri-
can) who is studying an oil company map
of Delaware into which a great many pins
have been stuck.

CLERK: General Bryce, sir, radar's spotted "Son of Gargantua? Good heavens, your father and
40 of them coming in over the Potomac. I are old friends!"
FOREIGN OFFICER: Well, mon General,
what eez it zat we do now?

18

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.









Sex has come to loom so large in mod- were both stark naked.4 Instead of turning seems that the pharaohs were half god
ern society that it seems timely to consider tail, however, Adam turned tailor. He deft- and half man, roughly corresponding to
its origins and examine it in historical per- ly fashioned for himself a leaf-weight Upper and Lower Egypt. Had the pha-
spective. The survey that follows touches suit, suitable for year-round wear in Eden. raohs been all god, there is no telling what
only the high spots.2 It is hoped that this How he managed to keep it on, this being this would have done to their sex lives.
brief study will open the way to further ex- before the invention of Scotch tape, still
ploration by psychologists, sociologists, perplexes fashion designers and structural The sex goddess of ancient Egypt was
sexologists and publishers of pornogra- engineers. It may have had something to Cleopatra. She mostly sat around in a
phy. do with Adam's underpinning, though any gauzy skirt and a brass bra, planning con-
pinning over or under had to be done with quests. Her first conquest was Julius Cae-
The word sex comes from the Latin exquisite care and a steady hand. sar, a man about 30 years her senior. He
sexus, meaning division, and is akin to the was stout and balding and had little to
verb secare, to cut.3 From this it may be SEX IN EGYPT commend him but his being an emperor,
gathered that it takes two to make sex. In Egypt lies on both sides of the Nile Riv- while she was only a queen. He carried her
the Biblical account of the Creation, as er. But the ancient Egyptians, as archae- off to Rome, together with other spoils,
long as Adam was the only human being ologists have discovered, were not wont to and spoiled her.
on earth, there was no such thing as sex. lie on their sides so much as on their
Thus, there was no incentive' to discuss backs. This probably should tell us some- Her second noteworthy conquest was of
Adam's maleness. his libido, birth control thing about their sex life, at least that of Mark Antony. When they met, in 42 B.C.,
or the constitutionality of sex education. 'their mummies. It was a fertile land. after the battle of Philippi, she was
The cutting part of Adam (see secare, dressed as Aphrodite, the Greek goddess
above) to remove a rib and make of it a What went on behind the pyramids we of love. Antony, who knew his mythology
creature named Eve was the beginning of can only imagine. Graffiti were cunningly and had an eye for cleavage, took the hint.
sex as we know it today. written in hieroglyphics so that tourists The fact that he was married did not stop
would not know and be embarrassed. In him. After all, his wife was back in Rome
Eve's eating of the Forbidden Fruit did the early 19th century, however, a trans- and he was in Asia Minor on business and
not, therefore, create sex, only the aware- lation was made by Rosetta Stone.5 It wondering what to do on weekends.6
ness of it. "I was unaware of sex before."
Eve said to Adam. Adam, who was listen- 4. The folk belief that babies are brought Cleopatra came to a bad end, as do
ing none too closely and thought she said by the stork probably had its origin in the some women (but not all) who play
"underwear," suddenly realized that they confusion of a "stork, naked" and "stark around with married men. She secured an
naked." The latter is the condition in asp, which in those days you could get
/. Fourteen to eighty. which babies are usually conceived and in- without a prescription, and coaxed it to
2. Some oj which respond interestingly to variably born. give her a poisonous bite. At first, when
the touch. 5. Nee Rose Stein. she placed it on her arm, the asp refused
3. In French, sexe is a four-letter word,
and therefore more titillating. 6. Another precedent being set. See Ar-
thur Miller's Death of a Salesman.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 23

to do her bidding. But when she placed it SEX IN T H E M I D D L E AGES an era of dirty stories, or Canterbury
against her breast, the asp thought to him- Tales. Almost any story involving natural
self (he was a male asp), "Oh, what the Sex in the Middle Ages was governed by or unnatural sex relations could be told in
heck!"' the Code of Chivalry. This meant that mixed company—even in front of monks,
anything a knight could do without getting friars, parsons and prioresses. In fact,
SEX AMONG THE GREEKS AND off his horse (cheval) was all right. If, in these men and women of the cloth listened
addition, he kept on his suit of armor, he the most attentively, since this was their
ROMANS was trustworthy (or rustworthy). honor- only way of learning about sex.15
able and ingenious.12
The Greeks were great lovers of beauty. The sex symbol of the Middle Ages was
and it is hard to believe that they admiied A knight could win a woman's favors by Queen Guinevere, who was admired by all
only friezes and urns. It was an age of going on a pilgrimage, winning a joust or the knights of King Arthur's court. They
manliness, and Greeks were always quick slaying a dragon. Having done any of the all wished they had her, and some, like
to show their prowess. Though this was three, he would present himself to his lady Lancelot, managed.
long before Freud, there can be no doubt fair and ask, "Prithee, milady, how about
that Greek pillars had a function beyond those favors?" The lady would drop a SEX IN T H E ELIZABETHAN AGE
that of holding up pediments. The Greeks. glove, and maybe, at the same time, her
fond as they were of symbolism, were try- eyes. If the knight failed to catch them. The sex symbol of the Elizabethan Age
ing to tell us something. she would send him on another mission was Queen Elizabeth. Her contribution to
taking six or seven years. While he was the history of sex was her ability to remain
The Greek gods should have been above gone, she said, she would be chaste.13 An a virgin or, more accurately, to be called
carnal lust, but Zeus was forever putting exception was Chaucer's Wife of Bath. the Virgin Queen despite Sir Walter
on a disguise and going after some in- who was not the kind to postpone any- Raleigh's every attempt to worm his way
nocent young maiden.8 Sex was not only thing good. She had had five husbands into the picture.16
extramarital but extra-human. A beautiful and could hardly wait for the sixth, won-
young woman who had not been ravished deiing whether he could teach her any- The Elizabethan poets sang lustily of
by a god or two must have had little to thing new about what, in one of her more sex. Consider such lines as Spenser's "A
talk about to her masseuse. ladylike moments, she called "the olde gentle knight was pricking on the plain" in
daunce."14 rhe Faerie Queene, and, in the same
And the Spartans were not practicing
physical culture just to fight better. 1 hey Despite the Code of Chivalry, this w; em, his description of Una, a lovely
might sleep on a bed of nails but not ev- k<uy with "an Ass more white than snow."
ery night. 12. A medieval maiden carrying a can
opener was probably not thinking of pro- 15. Do you honestly believe this?
As for the Romans, one need only ex- tecting herself. 16. The sex play of Sir Walter's placing
amine a painting or tapestry of the Rape 13. And sometimes she was caught.
of the Sabine Women, looking closely at 14. Actually, she knew all the steps, from look in a puddle and letting the Queen
the details, to realize that when Roman first to last, and was more likely to give trample on it is obviously some rare form
men went out to get wives, they were im- lessons than to take them. of fetishism. So, also, no doubt, was her
patient with any long period of com ting. having Sir Walter's head cut off, some-
They knew what they wanted9 and wasted thing that gave her great satisfaction. (See
no time getting it. Anyhow, the Sabine the Marquis de Sade.)
women didn't have to accept Romulus's
invitation to the festival. They must have
known what was going to happen after the
Romans had had a few drinks.10

Borrowing from the Dionysian rites of
the Greeks, the Romans developed the
orgy to a high point of eating, drinking
and unadulterated sex. Interestingly, the
word orgy goes back to the Greek ergon.
meaning work. Had you told this to a Ro-
man lying on his back while a beautiful
slave-maiden dropped grapes into Ins
mouth, he would have snorted something
like, "You call this work?"

Had Roman women declined more
Rome would have declined less.

7. For further details about Cleopatra's "Off the top o] my head I'd guess American, mid-
sex life, see the author's It All Started twentieth century."
with Eve.

8. The time he dressed up as a bull and
carried off Europa, he was really in char-
acter.
9. The buxom type.
10. I have carefully examined the ex-
pressions on the faces of the Sabine wom-
en in one of the famous paintings oj this
event, and have come to the conclusion
that it was not rape.

11. However, one definition of work is,
"exertion of strength or faculties for the
accomplishment of something."

24

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

For a nasty sort of perversion, think for a noting that when Louis first met her, she chology and neurology. By using technical
moment 17 about John Donne's "Get with was the mistress of the Comte Jean Du language and pretending to be scientific,
child a mandrake root." This is almost as Barry. Louis arranged her marriage to the they managed to escape censorship. It was
dirty as Ben Jonson's impudent question brother of Du Barry, since it was consid- Havelock Ellis who wrote: "Without an
in The Triumph of Charis: "Have you ered more respectable to have a married element of the obscene there can be no
tasted the bag of the bee?" woman for a mistress.22 true and deep aesthetic or moral con-
ception of life. . . . It is only the great
Shakespeare, a product of the Elizabe- SEX IN T H E NINETEENTH men who are truly obscene." This was a
than Age, was always leering at lovers in CENTURY new way of measuring greatness. Even
compromising situations.18 In Hamlet, for Thomas Bowdler would have found it dif-
example, he has Polonius say of the The 19th century was a confusing and ficult to expurgate the works of Shakes-
Prince. "How pregnant his replies some- contradictory period. The same century peare had he read such a statement.25
times are." Better Hamlet's replies than that produced Queen Victoria produced
his daughter, at any rate. On another oc- Havelock Ellis. Baron Richard von Sigmund Freud, the father of modern
casion, Ophelia comes right out and says Krafft-Ebing and Sigmund Freud. So far psychiatry, believed that sex was at the
to her father, regarding Hamlet, "I denied as sex is concerned, this was a period root of everything.26 Had it not been for
him access to me." She may have posted a of—dare we use the word?—flux.23 Imag- Freud, we might now tell our dreams to
sign saying "Do Not Enter Here" or ine. if you can. Queen Victoria on a couch anyone who would listen instead of only
"Road Closed." and Dr. Freud seated nearby with a pen to a highly paid professional. But for
and notebook. Indeed, imagine Queen Freud, also, we might think that a small
Nor did Shakespeare limit his bawdi- Victoria on a couch. Usually she is sitting boy's affection for his mother was rather
ness to young lovers. In The Taming of up very straight in a straight chair, her sweet, not knowing that he had an Oed-
the Shrew, he describes married sex in skirt touching the floor and her legs ipus complex and required therapy. Freud
such a way as to set matrimony back at crossed or held tightly together. "Don't made it possible for people to speak
least 100 years. And then, in his Sonnets, look." she would tell Prince Albert, "I am knowingly about the ego. superego and id.
he tells of his own love for a dark lady and getting undressed." Whereupon she would Previously, they had thought id was an ab-
a dark laddy. Apparently it didn't matter take off her hat and gloves.24 breviation of idem and somehow related
which sex, as long as it was dark.19 to ibid.
Ellis and Krafft-Ebing wrote about sex
SEX IN THE SEVENTEENTH from the standpoints, respectively, of psy- 25. Bowdler died 24 years before Have-
lock Ellis was born. A physician, Bowdler
AND EIGHTEENTH CENTURIES 22. In discussing sex in the 17th and 18th must have known the facts of life, but he
centuries. I have left out the Puritans of saw no reason for others to learn about
For almost 200 years, during the Age New England. Does anyone mind, really? them.
of Mistresses, sex was dominated by the
French. The only blemish in what might 23. Typesetters are not always to be 26. This may be why some consider sex
have been an unbroken record of illicit sex trusted. dirty.
was Louis XIV's marriage to his mistress, 24. Prince Albert would take off,
Madame de Maintenon. Cautious about too—for Afghanistan.
such an unorthodox and un-French act,
Louis delayed until he was nearly 50. Even
then, he kept the marriage secret for fear
of ridicule from members of his court.
Louis XIV is called the Sun King, but
some scholars think this is an error caused
by a reportorial or typographical slip, and
that it should be Fun King.

Louis XV, who came to the throne
when he was only 5 years old, was not at
once given a mistress. "Play with these for
a while," he was told, and for several
years he had to get his kicks by pulling up
the dresses of dolls and manikins.20 But
with completion of his puberty rites, 21 he
was considered able to handle a mistress.
His first, a living doll, was Madame de
Pompadour. With remarkable endurance,
she lasted for 20 years, perhaps because
she could now and then hide in one of the
hundreds of rooms of Versailles and recu-
perate. Madame de Pompadour was fol-
lowed by Madame Du Barry. It is worth

17. About as long as anyone can stand. \
18. Some anti-Stratfordians believe that
Shakespeare was actually King Lear, or "Call back the 1924 females. I want to take another look
vice versa. at those hormones."

19. The principle, according to modern
sexologists, is that the less you see, the
more you feel.
20. To look at their fanikins.
21. "I demand my rites!" he shouted.
meaning that he was old enough for the
real thing.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 25

SEX TODAY Sex made a great leap forward with the Mention should also be made of the
famous nude photograph of Marilyn Pill.36
A relaxed attitude toward sex began Monroe, who did more not only for sex
shortly after World War I. Even the Kai- but for the calendar than anyone since Nudity is now very much with us. As
ser. living in exile in Holland, began to Pope Gregory XIII.33 Men are known to someone has said. "Genitalia are big."
take things easier, removing his helmet have looked at a calendar with Marilyn's With nude men and women simulating37
while making love.27 photograph on it to see what day of the the sex act on the stage, it is no longer
month it was until the day they were look- necessary to strain to look through a key-
Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein. ing up the date for was yesterday. hole or under a window blind. A Peeping
Alice B. Toklas and other members of the Tom is now a man who sits in the front
Lost Generation found themselves. They We now have such sex queens as Raquel row with a pair of binoculars.
found themselves in Paris, living the life of Welch and Elizabeth Taylor.34 With
artists in pensions, ateliers and pissoirs. them, sex has reached new dimensions. Or he may stay home, sitting up close to
Writers came to grips with life, and some, the television set and watching the girls in
who had just moved in. came to life with Young people learn about sex early. the commercials soaping themselves in a
grips. Artists painted nudes, being too Some learn about it from their parents. shower or begging, with half-closed eyes
poor to afford drawing paper. It was one some from their teachers, and some from and throaty voice. "Take it off. Take it all
of those fortuitous confluences in history: child molesters. Having had enough theo- off."38
Paris was full of Americans who had the rizing. many young people go to college to
money and Parisians who had the get firsthand (or wherever) experience by It should be apparent, as we reach the
know-how.28 Something was sure to come living in coeducational dormitories or end of this brief history of sex. that forms,
of it.2* cohabitatjonal apartments.36 manners and devices have differed some-
what through the centuries. There were,
Repeal of Prohibition had its effect on Hippies learn about sex without going for instance, no T.V. cameras at the Ro-
sex. A plentiful supply of liquor made it to school. Mostly they He around naked. man orgies nor were there mini togas.
possible for a young man to ply a young playing with their beads. Similarly, with the advent of see-through
woman with drink (rather than pliers) un- dresses, chastity belts are "out." But such
til she was completely pliable. A man was 33. Gregory did a lot for the calendar but things, looked at sub specie aeternitatis.
forever lifting his glass and saying "Here's very little for sex. Had he posed in the are seen to be superficial and transitory.
how," even though the woman he was ad- nude for his own calendar, he would now
dressing30 needed no instructions, perhaps be even better known. One conclusion is inescapable. The
having been to Paris herself. However, as 34. Queen Elizabeth II is not a sex queen,
the Gilded Age drew to a close, it became or even a very sexy queen. more things change, the more sex remains
fashionable for a man to drink out of a 35. Girls living in the latter are known not
glass instead of a lady's slipper, and this as coeds but as cohabs. the same. •
was a blow to shoe fetishists.
36. All right, it has been mentioned.
Talking" pictures also had their impact. 37. And stimulating.
Movie stars no longer had bee-stung 38. No kidding.
lips.31 and began to speak for themselves.
saying such things as "Yes." Love scenes
became more realistic. A woman's pants
could now be heard as well as seen.

The stock market crash of 1929 had its
effect on sex also. Men jumped out of win-
dows, and not always because the wom-
an's husband had come home unexpect-
edly. To offset the effects of the Great
Depression, women began to get shots of
silicone in their breasts, and men began to
feel there was still something to live for.32

World War II saw the use of the pinup
photo to make men forget the horrors of
combat. Their imaginations were raised to
such a pitch that they began to think the
girl waiting for them at home looked like
Rita Hayworth or at least would serve the
purpose. They were driven almost insane
by the desire to pin down what was pinned
up.

27. It was a fair trade. He would take off "It's hard to believe that even Disneyland has a red-light
his helmet if the girl would take off her district."
wooden shoes. Once, a young Dutch girl
mistakenly sat on his helmet and it almost
sent her through the ceiling.

28. Not only the know-how but the can-
can

29. Gonorrhea, for instance.

30. Or undressing.
31. Thus throwing millions of bees out of
work.

32. Science has not yet been able to do
anything comparable for men.

26

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

















PORNOCOPIA

. .. SOME SELECTIONS FROM THE SUPREME COURT'S SUMMER READING LIST

The Elegant English while his flashing eyes coolly probed the chord, a whalebone corset, asparagus tips
Epistolary Eroticism buxom lass that sat trembling before him. and a vat of scented lard.
. . . in the manner of John Cleland
"My name's Miss Prissy Trapp, sir," The Sultana smiled wanly and mur-
Mr. N. . . chanc'd to offer a bout of dal- she replied in a faint voice and working- mured, "We call it . . . 'The Blind Chick-
liance and disport. My blush serv'd but to class accent, lowered her eyes, and curt- en!'
inflame the young gentleman's ardours, sied. "I'm the new maid."
and a heart-fetch'd sigh at the size of his "What does it do?" asked Prissy.
remarkable fouling piece banish'd all re- "Welcome to Felonwart, my remote Silhouetted against the dying sunlight,
serve. Canting up my petticoats and un- country manor house. I can assure you the great circle of Ka's nineteen arms ap-
lacing my stays. I fell supine on the settee, that your stay here will be most . . . peared to be a ceaseless juggernaut of
my exquisite treasures at his disposal. amusing. Come into the drawing room shame and degradation as Lord Stoker
Thus embolden'd, he took in hand the pro- and place yourself at the disposal of my leaned over to whisper. "You'll discover
digious engine and, abandoning restraint, guests." that only too soon," and stuck his purple
remm'd the rubid cleft where grows the tongue in her ear.
wanton moss that crowns the brow of The drawing room was that of a typical
modesty, but to naught avail. Thrice country manor house, save for the fact The Early French de
again the frightful machine assail'd the re- that the walls were padded, the windows Algolagnic Novel
gion of delight which, with maidenhead's barred, a curious array of whips and rid-
sweet mant'ling, celebrates the triumph of ing equipage were displayed above the . . . in the manner of the Marquis
roses o'er the lily, but that delicious cloven fireplace, an immodest fresco graced the Sade
spot, the fairest mark for his well-mettl'd north wall, a number of cages hung sus-
member, quell'd and abash'd the gallant pended from the ceiling and, in the center The Comte was in the formal gardens
intruder. Mustering his ferbour, once of the room, towering above a blood- whipping his linoleum when he was joined
more didst Cupid's capt'n 'tempt to brunt stained altar, loomed a moonstone- by the Bishop. Ceasing his exertions, he
the fierce prow of his formidable vessel studded effigy of Ka, the nineteen-armed greeted the prelate, and said:
past the shoals of luxuriant umberage Babylonian Goddess of Lust.
which garland'd my rutt'd charms and "You are undoubtedly curious why I
into that uncioy'd cove where humid em- "As you may have gathered, my tastes am whipping my linoleum. And yet, on
bars blaz'd on visitation, yet was, e'en so, run somewhat toward the outre," Lord closer examination, nothing could be more
repulst. Tho' toss'd 'twixt profusion and Stoker commented, helping himself to an- natural . . . or might I say 'unnatural' as
compliance, my hand crept softly to the other violet pastille, and continued, his they are the same thing. Man, it goes
sturdy lad's ripen'd tussle and roam'd the voice dark with menace, " a proclivity that without saying, is intrinsically evil, bear-
sprout'd tufts, whilst he my hillocks wan- does not limit itself to decor." ing in mind, of course, that good and evil,
der'd, then rekindl'd his nobly stock'd vice and virtue, exist only within the con-
conduits, distend'd the proud steed, Upon seeing Prissy, a tall, gaunt man, fines of society. It is the laws which cause
where'pon I near swoon'd of extasy's wearing but a pair of soiled galoshes, crime, for, without law, there is no crime.
bright tumult as the sturdy stallion, his ex- threw himself at her feet and commenced Nature capriciously destroys the fools
haultations fir'd, gallop'd o'er ev'ry hedge wildly kissing her feather duster. who forsake their instinctual lust and hun-
and thicket, spending the jetty sprig, won ger in the name of virtue, as Nature does
the sally, and gain'd a lodgement. En- "Allow me to introduce Professor Scha- us all. Man is an animal with a soul that
circl'd in the pleasure-girst. ingorg'd by denfreude," interposed Lord Stoker as the exists only through sensations. Although
dissolution's tender agony, each 'fusive bewildered miss blushed crimson under man must not limit his actions, there is no
stroke stirr'd my in'most tendrils, devolv'd the Austrian's singular attentions. "His free will, therefore he is not responsible
my dewy furrow of its secrets, which I, studies in aberrant behavior have taken for his actions. Quite obviously, the more
flush with straddl'd frolik, was far from man's sexual urges out of the Dark Ages." disgusting the act, the greater the plea-
disrelishing, 'til, somewhat appeas'd, his sure, and since pleasure, or might I say
quiv'ling extremity, twin'd by unquench'd "And back to the Stone Age," added 'pain' as pleasure is but pain diminished,
appetite, durst 'frock the fury of un- Lady Wick-Burner, crawling across the remains the chief aim of all human exis-
flagg'd inspersions, yet homeward play'd carpet to gnaw on the heel of Prissy's left tence, it should be enjoyed at any cost,
my rake the plenteous protraction, shoe. particularly at the expense of other
redoubl'd his endeavours that joy's thrust people, that is to say, not only is there joy
might soon drink deep at rapture's well, "Oh . . . Oh . . . Please . . . I beseech in whipping my linoleum, but there is also
then didst, at last, sheath, to the churl'd you . . . Leave off . . . Have pity . . . joy in reflecting upon those who are not
hilt, his massy weapon, and so suffer'd me Oh . . . No more . . ." pleaded the mis- allowed to whip their linoleum. Hence,
to bliss. used maid. cruelty is nothing more than man's life
force uncorrupted by civilization. As we
I am, Delighted by the young girl's supplica- are pawns to misery, so must we dispense
Madam, tions. the Duke of Pudenda discontinued misery to pawns. Since pain is the abso-
Yours, etc., etc.. etc. reading from a slim volume of unseemly lute, it is essential that I, as a philosopher,
sonnets he had recently published private- pursue this absolute. So it seems that the
The Fin-de-Siecle British ly in a limited edition of four copies, all of question, my dear Bishop, is not 'Why do
Birching Book which were bound in tinted wildebeest. I whip my linoleum?' but rather, 'Why
doesn't everyone whip his linoleum?'"
. . . in the manner of Anonymous "Remove her chemise!" demanded Re-
verend John Thomas. The Recent French
"And what might your name be, my Algolagnic Novel*
child?" inquired Lord Randy Stoker, re- Upon hearing this. Prissy, her face a
moving a tin of violet pastilles from the mask of abasement, attempted to flee but . . . in the manner of Pauline Reage
pocket of his tangerine-velvet waistcoat was thwarted by two Nubian eunuchs
and placing one in his sensuous mouth who, despite the unfortunate's pathetic The moon was partially obscured by a
struggles, firmly secured her wrists with
braided peacock tails. cloud. ^ ^^_

"All in good time," cautioned the Sul- *Ed. Note—Rumored to be the work oj
tana of Zosh. "First, allow the hapless ser-
vant to gaze upon the instrument of her A— M noted Marxist author and
chastisement." She drew back the drapes
to reveal a weird machine composed of a art critic.
steam engine, pistons, manacles, a glass
godemiche, rubber tubing, a gilded harpsi-

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 35

Finally, Y speaks. the abbot. Upon seeing the consuerunt
"One seldom sees them so far north this neque tributa, he took three potatoes and
late in the season." a long loaf of bread from his sack and
quibus ita est interdiclum, hi numero im-
Expurgation by Latin piorum ac sceleratorum habentur his
. . . in the manner of Boccaccio omnes decedunt, aditum eorum sermo-
nemque defugiunt, which he then tied to
Now there once lived near Genoa a Bonella's honos ullus communicatur.

wealthy merchant named Gelfardo, who Waiting until the merchant had almost
hoc proprium virtutis existimant, the ab-
was infatuated with Boneila, a miller's bot sprang from behind the bushes where
he had been hiding and shouted, "Ex-
daughter unsurpassed in beauty, grace, pulsos agris jinitimos cedere!" Startled,
Boneila neque quemquam prope audere
and charm. consistere; simul hoc se fore tutiores arbi-
trantur, repentinae incursionis timore sub-
One afternoon, a limousine had picked As it so happened, Boneila, spurning lato, causing the string to suumque aux-
up E at the Buttes-Chaumont Gardens, Gelfardo's advances, was wont to seek di- ilium Gelfardo's pollicentur atque a mul-
titudine collaudantur and qui ex his secuti
the Bois de Vincennes, the Bassin de la version with a certain abbot, but he, much non sunt, in desertorum ac proditorum nu-
Villette, or perhaps the Boulevard Hauss- to her displeasure, had given to concilium mero decuntur, omniumque his rerum
postea fides derogatur the three potatoes.
mann, and had taken her to a chateau in loqui swans.
It was only then that she reminded him
southern France. The driver had departed One afternoon, while strolling in the of the second condition.

without saying a word. forest. Gelfardo came upon the comely Moral: Cuckolds often make merry but it
is rare indeed that omni Gallia eurum
Attendants prepared E for the party damsel picking flowers. With a lascivious hominum qui aliquo sunt numero atque
that evening. She was dressed in a bird wink, he asked the lady if she might care honore genera sunt duo; nam plebes paene
costume resembling a boat-tailed grackle. to unfasten her bodice and supplicia eo- servorum habetur loco, quae nihil audet
I am certain that she was forbidden to ru/n qui in furto aut latrocinio aut aliqua per se, nulli adhibetur consilio.
speak. noxia sint comprehensi gratiora dis im-
morlalibus esse arbilrantur for an hour or Expurgation by Asterisks
In another version, the limousine picks so. (circa 1925)
up E at the Bureau des Objets Trouves.
. . . in the manner of the Lost Gener-
E was placed on the lawn and instructed She coyly agreed to the merchant's bold ation
to remain there until summoned. Behind overtures but on two conditions. The first
her was a row of cypress trees. Under the was that he pay her 200 gold ducats; the "So this is Paris," mused Lt. Rick Staf-
third tree lay a pale blue envelope. From second, that after he had supplicia eorum ford as he climbed the winding stairs that
the envelope she withdrew a photograph qui in furto aut latrocinio aut aliqua noxia led to the garret of Nana Bijou, the torch
of three persons on an ottoman. One is sint comprehensi gratiora dis immorla- singer whose address a doughboy had giv-
blindfolded. It is difficult to determine libus esse arbilrantur, then she, in turn, en him on the front with the words, "Tell
what they are engaged in. could sed cum eius generis copia dejecit

Her costume was perfect in every detail. etiam ad innocentium supplicia descen-
The only discrepancy that might prompt dunt.

the casual observer to conclude that E Suspecting nothing, Gelfardo agreed,
could be something other than an gave her 200 gold ducats, and made ready
enormous boat-tailed grackle was a pair to lantis excitati praemiis et sua sponte
of black patent leather shoes which she is multi in disciplinam conveniunt.
required to wear as a symbol of her abso-
lute subjugation. As the couple began haec poena apud
eos est gravissima, who should pass by but
Although forbidden to speak. 1 believe
that E was allowed to whistle.

The bird costume restricted movement
and it often took E over an hour to reach

places only a few feet away.

When she glances back to the third tree,

she notices that the pale blue envelope and

the photograph are missing.

That evening, three men, X, Y, and Z,

retire from the party to chat beneath the
porte-cochere. Y is her lover.

Fragments of conversation are audible

from where E is standing on the lawn.

"Have you spoken to G lately?"

"It's odd you should ask. Why only last

week . . ."

The three men turn toward her. X and

Z appear familiar, as if she had seen them

in a photograph.

"Look, there's a boat-tailed grackle,*'

remarks Z. "An uncommonly large one. I
might add."

Moments pass. The men do not move.

E observes the moon clearly reflected in

her black patent leather shoes. Surely her

lover will recognize her, take her in his

arms, and debase her in the fashion which

she has grown to regard so dearly. She

flaps her wings and whistles frantically.

36

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.





















PK2SSOS EROTIC
ENGIWINGS
Q hesitation." FranzSchulze,Chicago Daily News: Eliot Elisofon, Richard Avedon, John Updike,
March 16, 1968, "What a difference between Picasso's view of Roald Dahl, Art Kane, Charles Schulz, Bert
Pablo Picasso,thepre-eminentartist of our time, sex and the sniggering, guilt-ridden American Stern, Yevgeny Yevtushenko, S.J. Perelman,
commenced work on a series of engravings that pornography of today." Brian Fitzherbert, James Baldwin, Alan Watts, Salvador Dali,
he predicted would become "my most sought- Nova: "Once again, Picasso demonstrates his Terry Southern, Isaac Bashevis Singer, William
after—and possibly scandalous—work." They astounding power of regeneration." Harold Burroughs, Paul Goodman, Kenneth Rexroth,
were to be a series of pictures portraying every' Joachim, Curator of Prints, Art Institute of Jean Genet, and Marshall McLuhan.
aspect of sexual pleasure. Picasso had wanted Chicago: "Astonishing...A compelling testi-
to create such a series for over 65 years, he mony of Picasso's amazing energy and power Critics everywhere have spent themselves
confided to Aldo Crommelynck, his engraving- of invention at the age of 87." Harold Haydon, in a veritable orgy of praise over AVANT-
press printer, and he intended it to stand as Chicago Sun-Times: "A great surprise package GARDE. "Reality freaks, unite! Weird buffs,
an abiding celebration of life itself." ...Unparalleled for sustained interest and qual- rejoice! AVANT-GARDE has arrived bearing
For nearly seven months Picasso worked ity." Pierre Cabanne, Plexus: "The Last Will mind-treasures of major proportions," says the
in a creative frenzy at his studio in Mougins, and Testament of the father of modern art." San Francisco Chronicle. "AVANT-GARDE
France, turning out as many as four engravings is guaranteed to shake the cobwebs out of the
in a single day, often with as many as six varia- It is with great pride, therefore, and humil- mind," says the Los Angeles Herald-Examiner.
tions of each. "Ole!", "Bravo!", "Magnifico!", ity, that the editors of AVANT-GARDE an- "An exotic literary menu...A wild new thing
he would exclaim as each new engraving was nounce that their magazine has been chosen as on the New York scene," says Encounter.
pulled from the press, and so ecstatic was he the medium through which Picasso's monu- "AVANT-GARDE is aimed at readers of
over the quality of the work that on several mental new work will be shown to the world. superior intelligence and cultivated taste who
occasions he summoned friends from as far off Picasso's Paris representative, the Societe de la are interested in the arts', politics, science—and
as London and New York to view the work in Propriete Artistique, has appointed AVANT- sex," says The New York Times. "The fantastic
progress. Finally, on October Sth, he bundled GARDE as the sole proscenium for presenta- artwork, alone, is worth the price of the mag-*
the engravings together, inscribed them with tion of the quintessence of "347 Gravures." azine," says the News Project. "A field manual
the title "347 Gravures,"and announced "Ya!" Mindful of the awesome responsibility that by the avant-garde, for the avant-garde," says
("It is finished!"). this singular honor imposes, the editors of New York critic Robert Reisner. "AVANT-
AVANT-GARDE have spared neither expense GARDE's articles on cinema, rock, and the
The engravings Picasso had created are, nor effort to ensure that "347 Gravures" re- New Scene are a stoned groove," says the East
collectively, his masterwork, a fitting climax ceives the premiere it deserves. Village Other. "Off-beat, arty, sexy," says the
to the career of a man whose dedication, both New York Daily News. "It's the sawn-off shot-
in personal life and work, has been to the To begin with, an entire issue of AVANT- gun of American critical writing," says the New
sensual. "Without the awakeningof ardent love, GARDE—64 pages—will be devoted exclusively Statesman. "Its graphics are stylish," says
no life—and therefore no a r t - h a s any meaning," to this one subject. The issue will carry no TIME. "AVANT-GARDE is MAGAZINE POWER!"
Picasso is quoted by his biographer, Roland advertising. The world's foremost graphic de- says poet Harold Seldes. "Wow! What a ferris
Penrose, as saying. And nowhere in the prodi- signer, Herb Lubalin, has been retained to
gious, 20,000-piece oeuvre of this fertile genius design this special issue. Costly antique paper swheel! I was high for a week after reading it,"
has ardent love been more beautifully—or joy- stocks and flame-set colored inks will be used
fully—portrayed. Throughout the engravings throughout. The issue will be printed by time- says the pop critic of Cavalier.
voluptuous majas surrender themselves, lustful consuming duotone offset lithography and will
satyrs disport, and troupes of swooning acro- be bound in 12-point Frankote boards, for ^Subscriptions to
bats perform in a circus of love. Picasso's irre- permanent preservation. All in all, this lavishly AVANT-GARDE ordinarily cost S10 per year.
pressible love of mischief is in evidence, too, produced issue of AVANT-GARDE will more In conjunction with this special Picasso erotic
in scenes of grandees cuckolded, harems in- closely resemble an expensive art folio than a engravings offer, however, we are offering ten-
vaded, and models seduced by lecherous magazine. The editors of AVANT-GARDE are month introductory subscriptions for ONL >
painters. The last theme is the one most often determined that their presentation of the quin- $5! This is virtually HALF PRICE!! To enter
repeated in the series, with the painters puck- tessence of Picasso's "347 Gravures" will be a your subscription (five issues)-and obtain a
ishly made to resemble Rembrandt, Raphael, landmark not only in the history of art, but in copy of the Picasso erotic engravings folio
and, of course, Picasso himself. (Picasso s life- ABSOLUTELY FREE-simply fill out the
long friend, Max Jacob, has said, "Picasso cpublishing, as well. coupon below and mail it with $5 t o : AVANT-
would much rather be remembered as a famous ^ ^ ^ o p i e s of this special GARDE, 110 W. 40 St., New York, N. Y. 10018.
Don Juan than an artist.") All in all, Picasso's collector's-edition of AVANT-GARDE will not
"347 Gravures" reflect such consummate be offered for sale to the general public. They But please hurry, since quantities of the
craftsmanship, timeless subject matter, and are being given away—free—as a gift to all new Picasso folio are limited and this offer may be
sublime inspiration as to ensure their place as subscribers to AVANT-GARDE. withdrawn without notice.
the greatest art treasure of the 20th Century.
In case you've never heard of AVANT- Then sit back and prepare to receive a sub-
If the artistic value of "347 Gravures" is GARDE, let us explain that it is the most scription bonus par excellence, and your first
considerable, its commercial value is perhaps beautiful—and daring—magazine in America copy of an exuberant hew magazine that is
even greater. The engravings, which have been today. Although launched only two years ago, equally devoted to the love of art and the art
printed in a limited edition of SO sets, have already it has earned a reputation as the out- of love.
fetched a price of ten million dollars! This is standingshowcase for the exhibition of creative
more than has ever before been paid for a work talent. This reputation stems from AVANT- * f m T n X I HO West 40th Street
of art. Moreover, because of rumors that circu- G ARDE's editorial policy of complete and ab- • ^ ^ M " f 1 ' ^ " N e w York, N.Y. 10018
lated throughout the art world concerning the solute freedom of creative expression. AVANT-
superexcellence of the engravings, all SO sets GARDE steadfastly refuses to sacrifice creative • I enclose $5 for a ten-month subscription
were subscribed to even before Picasso had genius on the altar of "morality" (the motto
finished making them! of the magazine is "Down with bluenoses, blue • to the exuberant new magazine AVANT-
laws, and blue pencils"). Thus, the world's | GARDE. I understand that I am paying
Art critics who have seen the engravings have most gifted artists,.writers, and photographers • virtually HALF PRICE and that I will
been positively apostolic in their praise. "These continually bring to AVANT-GARDE their j receive -ABSOLUTELY FREE-a copy
etchings reach the zenith of man's creative most uninhibited—and inspired—works. AVANT- _ of the magnificent art folio containing
GARDE serves—consistently-as a haven for _ Picasso's erotic engravings.
Rower. They rank with 'Hamlet,' Beethoven's the painting that is "too daring," the novella
inth Symphony, and Michelangelo's 'Last that is "too outrageous," the poem that is "too •• _ _
Judgment.' That is to say, they are classic,"says sensuous," the cartoon that is "too satirical,"
Robert Glauber, of Skyline. LIFE: "Picasso's the reportage that is "too graphic," the opinion • NAME
most trenchant exploration of sex andsexuality that is "too candid," the photograph that is
...As never before, the master seems bent on "too explicit." AVANT-GARDE is proud of • ADDRESS
describing that idyllic state wherein the spirit its reputation as the wild game sanctuary of
and flesh are one." Herald-Tribune (Paris): American arts and letters. • CITY STATE ZIP
"A major undertaking_.amazing...extraordinary
_staggering„incredible. Picasso's brilliance con- In addition to Picasso, contributors to B ©AVANT-GARDE 1969. LMP-3
quers all." TIME: "A virtuoso performance." AVANT-GARDE include such renowned fig-
Armand St.Clair, Revue de Paris: "Mesmerizing ures as Norman Mailer, Arthur Miller, Kenneth
...If I had a choice among all the works Picasso Tynan, Dan Greenburg, Allen Ginsberg, Paul
has produced, I would take this one without Krassner, Dr. Karl Menninger, Andy Warhol,

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.