HaveTheRelationshipYouWant

Personalized For: Mary Valenzuela

HAVE THE
RELATIONSHIP

YOU WANT

A Step-By-Step Woman’s Guide To
Transforming Your Love Life Overnight!

Rori Raye

HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT

Copyright 2005, 2007, 2012, 2013, 2014
by Amare Inc

For more information about Rori Raye:
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com

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A Special Message For You...

You can have the relationship you want. You can be cherished and adored. You can be
happy. And it can happen quickly.

I know, because I’ve been where you are right now – wanting so desperately to feel
completely loved.

When I finally learned how to not only attract a good man, but to inspire his lifelong
devotion and make sure our connection was always deepening – I did it using the Tools in
this book.

Many years ago when I was single, I was as unhappy with my love life as any woman I’ve
ever coached. I had no idea what “I was doing wrong” – or why every “relationship” I was
involved in, and every man I loved, seemed to be more a figment of my imagination than
anything real.

I’d invest all my time, love, energy – even over years – into something that turned out
to be “friends with benefits” or just evaporated into thin air. I questioned my judgment. I
questioned my attractiveness.

And then I met my husband.

Only a few years into the marriage with this man who clearly loved me and wanted to be
with me, I was as unhappy, unfulfilled and confused as I’d ever been.

I call these “the awful years” of my marriage. I was bouncing in and out of it emotionally,
I was anxious, miserable, furious, sleepless and scared. There was little sex, little fun and no
peace.

Couple’s therapy didn’t help at all – it made me feel angrier and even more helpless.
Desperate, I read, experimented, made stuff up and concentrated on doing what I could do
to make myself feel better.

So – it was a total shock when my marriage turned completely around in two weeks.

Now, my relationship with my husband is truly sensational – and it gets better every day.

In these pages, I’ll show you how to transform your own relationship or make that one
special man fall deeply in love with you, regardless of how bad things seem right now. And
you can do it all by yourself, without the cooperation of your man, without even talking
to him about it – practically overnight. (You can read all about my story and exactly how I
transformed my own love life at the end of the book.)

How To Use This Book

This book is the foundation for everything I teach. In order to get the most out of it, I
encourage you to read it in chronological order and do all the exercises (“the Tools”) in each
chapter. This will help you quickly understand the reasoning and concept behind the new
skills you’ll be learning, then easily put those skills into practice so you can start experiencing
the love life you’ve always dreamed of.

I’m so thrilled you’re reading this now, and I applaud you for taking the risk of changing
things, as they are, in order to get what you want. When the new Tools you’ll find in this
book work for you for the first time, you’ll be amazed. And they will continue to work, taking
you as far into love as you’re willing to go.
Love, Rori

P.S.
This is your very own personalized copy, so please make sure you keep it all to yourself.
Doing so helps me keep serving you and creating valuable content.
If you have any questions about your order, please contact my support team at
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/contact.html and provide either your order
code or the email address you used during purchasing.
Order Code: 55N7KZ
Email Address: [email protected]

Contents

Key 1: Overview
Chapter 1 The 5 Keys To A Great Relationship
Fall In Love With Yourself Absolutely
Chapter 2 Stop Believing Your Nasty Voice & Love Yourself
Chapter 3
Chapter 4 Tool: Love Your Nasty Voice
Exercise: How To Love Yourself
Chapter 5
Chapter 6 Visualize What You Want

Chapter 7 Exercise: Your Ideal Relationship
Chapter 8
Chapter 9 Turn Away From Icky-Feeling Thoughts
Chapter 10 Choose Relationship And Commit To Having It
Chapter 11
Chapter 12 Exercise: How Do You Decide If He’s Worth It?
Key 2: Choose Feminine Energy

Masculine And Feminine Energy

Key 3: Give Up Control And Get Partnership

Give Up Control

Exercise: Identifying Your Overfunctioning
Tool: Giving Up Control

Allow Him To Take The Lead
The Rori Raye Mantra

Key 4: Receive Love From The Masculine

Support The Team
The Truth About Men
Respect The Masculine

The 4 Rules For Respecting The Masculine Partner

Why We Should Appreciate Instead Of Criticize

Exercise: Finding Appreciation

Chapter 13 Listening To Him Changes Everything

Chapter 14 Exercise: Listening To Him
Chapter 15 Exercise: Practice Listening To Him On Your Own
Chapter 16 Key 5: Express The Feminine
Chapter 17
Chapter 18 Getting Your Needs Met

Chapter 19 Tool: Finding The Feelings
Chapter 20
Expressing Your Feelings

Tool: Feeling Messages
Tool: Saying What You Don’t Want

Getting Your Needs Met Through Negotiation

Exercise: Negotiating Conflict

How To Choose Words

Chart: Translating Your Thoughts IntoWords

Vulnerability

Exercise: Surrendering In Practice
Tool: The Sensual Meditation
Tool: The Fantasy Lover
Tool: The Portable Sensual Meditation

Putting It All Together
I Believe In You

My Story
About Rori Raye
Catalog

Overview

Why It’s So Hard To Feel Loved

As women, we’ve all dreamed of being loved, held, touched, emotionally cherished and
committed to for life by a man we can respect and love.

And I know you’ve already tried nearly everything you could think of to have this kind of
love life you’ve always dreamed of.

Though your dream of love may seem like a long road from where you are now, getting to
your goal – toward any goal – involves a series of steps.

Each step in this book is in the form of a new skill, or Tool, designed to bring a man toward
you with hardly any effort at all on your part. Each Tool is designed to make you magnetic to
a man – instead of invisible.

When you put the Tools in this book together, it becomes a roadmap you can follow toward
your goal of a great relationship, no matter where you’re finding yourself right now. And
that roadmap gets you back on track to your goal no matter what happens “on the road.”
Even if you get sidetracked or stalled – the Tools will get you where you want to be.

The principles behind my Tools are simple, and yet what you’re about to learn is the
complete opposite of everything you’ve ever read, heard or been taught your whole life.

The Way Men Fall (and Stay) in Love Is Different From The Way We
Women Fall

We’ve been taught, whether through our upbringing or through books and movies, that
men should love us just because we’re smart, pretty, funny, clever, a good sport, sexy, good in
bed, have a good personality, are a good friend or because we’re a decent and nice woman.

Only, they don’t.

Men don’t fall in love because of some checklist of qualities that look good “on paper.” We
think they do, because that’s the way women get excited about a man.

We make checklists, we check off boxes on the check lists, we weigh and value and label
and think and analyze and try to solve problems and figure a man out. We fall in love with
ideas. We fall in love with a man’s potential.

We fall in love with our sexual attraction to a man. We are enamored with how we’re

feeling around him. And we fall in love when a man treats us the way we treat ourselves,
whether that ends up being pleasurable or painful.

Men, on the other hand, just feel in their “gut” (we might refer to this as “thinking with
their dicks”) whatever it is they feel about us. It can make a man act clueless, or angry,
or depressed, or insensitive. It can make him move in toward us fast, or it can make him
withdraw and run away from us.

And when a man falls in love with us, he falls hard.

He might feel sexually attracted to 100 women in a room – but he only falls for one.

What Really Makes Him Fall for You

What inspires a man to fall in love? What makes him want to be around you? A man is
compelled to be with you and to love you because of reasons that have nothing to do with:

• Being as smart as he is.
(Actually, you just need to be “smart enough” to understand what he’s talking about and
what’s important to him.)

• Being nurturing and helpful.
(The more nurturing and helpful you are, the more masculine energy you are and the
faster and further you’ll drive him away. You’ll learn more about masculine and feminine
energy throughout this book.)

• Being good in bed.
(You just need to have a good time yourself when he makes love to you. You just need to
LET him love you.)

• Making good money, having a good job and being successful.
(You just have to be able to take care of yourself and perhaps half your children’s financial
needs. In other words – you have to be able to be okay without a man.)

• Working hard to move the relationship forward.
(Even THINKING about moving the relationship forward makes him stall even more. Yes,
it’s frustrating to have had all this wrong information all these years.)

• Making him the center of your world.
(Making him the center of your world is the fastest way to kill his attraction for you.)

• Playing hard to get.
(Playing anything is the second fastest way to kill the attraction.)

• Being childless.

(Children create new, different, fresh and VERY powerful bonds for a man, and create
deep“family” feelings in him – which makes you MORE attractive.)

Here’s the basic truth about love and relationship: A man can’t connect to you through his
mind, or his body, or what you have in common spiritually.

Those are all myths, and the reason why we so often struggle to truly connect with a man.
We think if only we say the right things and act the right way, as in the list above, it will
logically lead to a man adoring us and wanting us forever.

Only it doesn’t work that way.

Men are simple, but they’re not stupid. In some ways, they listen to their hearts and guts
way more than we women do.

All a man cares about is how he feels when he’s around you. He wants to feel turned on
– sexually, emotionally and romantically – and he also wants to feel completely safe to be
himself. That means totally, 100% accepted and loved for who he is.

If he doesn’t feel safe expressing who he is, he can’t really feel safe to be himself around
you, and that prevents him from truly connecting with you.

When You Give Him Safety, He Gives You Intimacy

The way a man will feel safe around you is if he feels that you feel safe to express who you
really are around him. That means no pretending, no denying, no stuffing down of your true
self. You can’t use your logic and intellect (or your body) to connect to him, and he can’t
think his way into loving you.

The ONLY way he can connect to you is through his heart, and the only way you can
connect to his heart is to go through YOUR heart. If you’re in touch with and constantly
sharing what’s in your heart with him, you’ll connect with his heart. Love will happen and
he’ll fall for you.

So here’s your job: To change the assumptions you’ve been operating under, and do
EVERYTHING DIFFERENTLY!

Even more than what you’re not doing – what isn’t working for you is what you ARE doing!

What isn’t working is the result of trying to be everything to a man that doesn’t connect
with his heart. You’re trying to be his best buddy, his therapist, his sex kitten, his business
partner or a woman he has a “family” obligation to.

We’ve all been taught to think this way, and do things this way, and then we wonder why
love isn’t showing up.

This happens because instead of operating from our hearts, we operate from our heads –
thinking, analyzing, figuring out, solving, doing, making things happen, explaining, managing

and “telling.”

And the one place where love blossoms – our hearts – is a place we’ve all been taught to
avoid like the plague, because we’ve been taught to avoid and hide our emotions:

• We’ve been told to “think through” our problems and “get over it” whenever we’re
overwhelmed with emotion

• We’ve been told to avoid conflict, rise above our passionate feelings, and stay calm and
cool

But it’s through our heart and our emotions that true connection can actually take place
with another human being.

A man will feel connected with you because he’ll feel safe to experience and express his
emotions, because you’re comfortable experiencing and expressing yours.

Using Your Feelings To Connect With His Heart

As a woman, you have the unique ability to access and express your emotions, which is the
single best way for you to connect with a man where it counts... his heart.

In this book, you’ll learn to use your feelings to make a man feel safe and turned on. You’ll
learn why your feelings matter, how to know what it is you’re feeling (versus just thinking),
and then how to express those feelings in a way that’s magnetic and increases intimacy and
trust. As you do this, you’ll be able to connect with his heart. He’ll feel he’s finally “home”
with you.

Here’s an important extra bonus: If you’re not used to this way of relating with a man,
you’ll very likely experience scary feelings of vulnerability when you use the Tools in this
book. You’ll feel exposed and not in control of the situation.

That’s actually a good thing! Because when you use these Tools, another unexpected
benefit will show up. Your confidence and self-esteem will rise up to a level you never
thought possible, because you’ll be and feel more authentic and more “yourself” than ever
before.

You’ll see that the “control” you were feeling before was a false sense of control, and you’ll
“get” (in a series of “a-ha” moments) that vulnerability is critical for you. It’s essential to your
creating a deeply intimate and loving relationship – with anyone, not just a man.

This book is about turning your love life around. And this means completely reversing
everything you’ve been doing up to now that hasn’t been working. But it doesn’t mean you’ll
have to do a lot of work, or that it’s going to require you to pretend and playact.

In fact, small, simple shifts in the words you choose and your body language is all it takes

to bring more affection and adoration to your love life.

This book is not intended to change who you are – it’s intended to help you become more
comfortable in your own skin.

What you’ll “get,” on a deep level inside yourself, is that it’s not about what you look like or
what you do for a man that changes things. It’s about how comfortable you are in your own
skin, in your own body, in your own heart and mind and soul that turns him on.

Why?

Because the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more a man believes – down
to his toes – that you’re comfortable with his skin.

In other words, if you’re able to express yourself honestly, authentically and without
judgment, he believes you’ll accept him when he’s being honest and authentic. He will feel
safe around you.

And, again – because this is so important – a man falls in love when he feels safe with you.

So this is a complete turnaround of everything we women have ever thought, been taught
and practiced our entire lives. A man falls in love because he feels safe around us. He falls in
love because he connects to our heart, and we connect to his.

We Need to Stop What Doesn’t Work

We women are born desiring deep emotional connection to each other, to men and to the
planet, but we’ve been raised to stuff our real selves down and skitter along the surface of
life.

We’ve settled for creating endless, superficial interactions that go nowhere and so end up
in situations where connection can never happen.

We’ve been taught to use all the wrong parts of ourselves to create connection and love,
such as our looks, our intellect and our sexuality. When that connection doesn’t happen, and
when we get disappointed by men, we end up feeling hopeless that true love can even exist
for us.

And we’ve been trained to believe things about certain emotions – like anger,
disappointment, fear, frustration, expectation, guilt and shame – that undermine our belief
in the possibility of emotions like joy, bliss and peace.

We’ve been trained to “go” in certain directions, and say and do certain things when
we feel anger, disappointment, fear, frustration, expectation, guilt and shame – and those
directions are simply the wrong ones.

Our training has been our undoing.

We need to unlearn all the things that don’t work.

The 5 Keys

The 5 Keys To Creating A Great Relationship

“Many of us spend our lives saying we would give anything for love, while we’re often really pushing it
away.” (Merle Shain)

If you’re not used to it, love can be scary. If you’re used to always being in control, being in
love can feel like being crazy.

Learning to “undo” is much easier when you go in baby steps and have simple, practical
techniques that really work. That’s where my Tools come in. And don’t worry, you can go
through each one at your own pace. To make things even easier, I’ve broken them down into
my 5 Keys to a Great Relationship – each of the 5 Keys lays a foundation for the next.

THE 5 KEYS:

1. Love Yourself Absolutely
2. Choose Feminine Energy
3. Give Up Control And Get Partnership
4. Receive Love From The Masculine
5. Express The Feminine
Think of these 5 Keys as your roadmap to the land of intimacy – filled with excitement,
vulnerability, sensuality, respect and love.
Key 1: “Love Yourself Absolutely” is about your beliefs. Beliefs about men, about any one
particular man, beliefs about how relationships work, how the differences between men
and women work – and exactly why you need to change your beliefs to get what you want in
love.
Key 2: “Choose Feminine Energy” is about feminine/masculine energy, and why it’s so
important to reclaim your feminine “girl” energy, give a real job to your masculine “boy”
energy and know how to switch hats between the two.
We women have been trained to operate 100% of the time in our boy energies, and that
pretty much ensures we will never fully attract a masculine-energy man who knows how to
love us. In this section, you’ll be able to decide which energy primarily works best for you
and your relationship, when to use your different energies, and how to make subtle shifts in

words and body language to inhabit either your masculine or feminine energy.

Key 3: “Give Up Control And Get Partnership” is about how feminine energy means giving
up control, why this works and how to do it – even if giving up control seems to go against
our instincts.

Key 4: “Receive Love From The Masculine” is about how to truly let a man love you. I
know this sounds easy, but receiving, next to giving up control, is the last thing in the world
any of us wants to do!

How can this be? How can we not want to receive love? I’m going to explain why we’re
all so afraid to receive love, and why intimacy is even more scary to us than it is to men.
You’ll learn how to listen deeply and how to come from a place of appreciation and gratitude
instead of criticism and anger.

Key 5: “Express The Feminine” is about the power of your feminine energy expressed
through your words, your body language, your “vibe” – your very presence in the world.

You’ll learn how to turn your emotions – even all the old, hardened ones you’ve been
denying or bottling inside – into the most attractive thing about you to nearly any man.

Your feelings truly are your biggest asset – they’re your major weapon in your arsenal of
being a woman. Emotions make you irresistible and powerful. You’ll learn how to identify
your emotions, how to put them into words, and how to use them to connect with his heart.

How The 5 Keys Work Together To Create The Relationship You Want

Using the Tools contained within these keys will help you start to unwind and unknot
all that wrong training. You’ll be able to reset your entire mental, emotional, physical and
spiritual ways of doing and experiencing things, recalibrate your beliefs about men and
relationships, and set out on a new course for love.

You’ll learn why controlling and managing kills attraction and drives a man away.

Right now, you may believe you need to take control of your relationship in order to fix it.
You may think you need to be the one to move it forward, to make all the plans, to take care
of everything on a date, in your relationship and in your household, to advise and criticize
your man in order to “get things done” the way you want them.

But a man doesn’t want to be managed and controlled. He wants to be respected and
accepted for who he is, and he wants to feel he has the ability to make you happy.

When you criticize and manage, he feels like he’s failed. He stops feeling safe to be himself
around you. He begins to lose attraction for you.

He doesn’t even know this “consciously.” He doesn’t know why he feels the way he does –
he just feels it.

On the other hand, simply being where you are and who you are and receiving love as it
comes to you (even if you have to imagine it coming to you) increases attraction and literally
magnetizes a man to you.

Staying emotionally open no matter what’s going on allows you to receive love, even if you
don’t think it’s coming at you.

You’ll also learn why choosing to be the feminine-energy partner in your relationship will
get you what you want from your man. You’ll discover how gratitude and appreciation – even
for the seemingly small things – repairs relationships and builds trust. It allows you to receive
love from the masculine and create an environment where you can be adored.

I’m so confident that with this completely new mindset and these new skills, you’ll not only
regain hope – you’ll have the relationship you want.

Change Can Happen Quickly

How fast can you turn your love life around?

Change can happen quickly when you turn around everything you do and think. I know
you’ll turn things around 180°, because I’ve seen it happen over and over with my clients. I
know you can do this, because I’ve done it. I had as little self-esteem, self-love and self-
knowledge as anyone I’ve ever coached. My habits and the way I treated myself and thought
of myself, and the dysfunctional way I related to men, were as deeply ingrained in me as in
every woman I’ve ever coached.

When I look back on my love life, it’s a jumble of memories of feeling humiliated almost
nonstop.

I could never attract or keep a man who might know how to love me and be emotionally
close to me because of my own competitiveness, my inability to speak clearly and truthfully
about what I was feeling, my passive-aggressive way of expressing all my stuffed-down anger,
my “Overfunctioning” (more on this later) and my tragic inability to feel what I was feeling.
For most of my life, I tried to be a good girl. I had a stiff upper lip, rarely expressed pain if
a man treated me badly, put up with all kinds of humiliating experiences and smiled when I
really wanted to scream or cry.

In a sense, I was a liar. I was pretending all the time.

Slowly, over time, I tried different things and experimented with new ways of being around
men. I stopped pretending. I opened my heart. I stopped trying so hard to fix everything and
do everything and just allowed myself to experience being with a man.

I developed the effortless Tools that I’ve been using and teaching my clients ever since. My
love life turned on a dime – not just once but twice! – during two separate challenges.

I want to give you hope that you’re in the right place, and that you’ve made the right

decision in getting this book. However things are right now, whatever you’re enduring now
in your love life, I know these Tools will help you.

When women use the Tools I’ve developed, amazing results happen. Men show up out
of nowhere, or men who’ve been difficult for years all of a sudden turn around and become
loving, warm and affectionate. Dating is no longer dreadful. Instead, it becomes a great
therapeutic tool that transforms you from chronically single to blissfully married in the blink
of an eye.

I’ve seen this happen over and over again, so I know it’s true and I know it can happen for
you.

Key 1

Fall in Love With Yourself Absolutely

When you’re stuck in anger at yourself and men and the situation you’re
in, when you’re stuck in blaming yourself or a man or a situation, when you’re
stuck in guilt and despair and the inestimably “icky” feeling that you won’t and
can’t ever be happy in love – it gets more difficult, trickier, and like a never-
ending obstacle course to make the changes that actually CAN get you to
lasting happiness.

Making any change toward moving in the happy direction you truly want to
go begins with changing what’s going on inside your head.

That means changing your beliefs – about yourself, about men, about
relationships, and about what you deserve. This Key will help you move past
what’s keeping you stuck. It’ll clarify what exactly it is you really need and
want, so you can manifest it.

Chapter 1

Stop Believing Your
“ Nasty Voice” & Love Yourself

“The longest journey you will make in your life is from your head to your heart.” (Sioux legend)

Wanting something is essential to getting it. Once you want something fiercely enough, not
only are you more able to figure out how to get it, it seems everyone else on the planet
wants it for you, too. One word to describe
this is synchronicity. You put out strong, clear
energy that you want something, and soon
you’re bumping into people in the street who
can help you get it. We’ve all had these
experiences.

Part of how synchronicity works is that it
doesn’t know the difference between what
you think you want, what you say you want,
and what you really want. If you use most of
your energy thinking about how miserable you
are, and focusing on what you don’t like about
what’s going on in your life, it’s like signaling
the world to keep on sending more of the
same your way.

No wonder we feel stuck! The more we complain, the more we spin our wheels. We
feel like we’ll never get out of the hole of our stale relationship, never ever find a great
relationship, never get off the treadmill of too much to do and too little time, never be
happy.

We listen to the unsettling, angry voices in our heads because we don’t trust ourselves.
We’ve created routines and habits that we don’t know how to break. I’ve been there; we’ve
all been there. But there are ways out.

In this chapter, we’re going to take some first steps “out” of this “stuck place” – and it all
begins with changing what’s going on inside our heads.

The basic truth here is that the road to your dream relationship starts with you. It starts
inside you, and all of it starts with what you believe about yourself, about men, about life,
about relationships, about who you are and what you deserve. Our lives almost never turn

out all the scary ways we imagine they will.

In order to change the results you’re getting out in the world, your whole “vibe” has to
change. And as you take the first steps in this chapter of getting to know yourself and how
you’re operating better and more deeply, the “vibe,” or “aura,” you project to men will
change.

As your “vibe” changes, the kinds of men you attract will change, and the man you may be
with right now will experience this shift in you and respond completely differently to you.

Your first step is to discover what it is you believe about yourself that’s holding you back,
what voices in your head you’re listening to and following down the wrong roads, and
changing all that around – so a NEW kind of love can come into your life.

You’ll see that my approach and Tools to deal with the “Nasty Voice” in your head is totally
different from anything else you may have tried. It may feel completely “counter-intuitive” to
you, and that’s GREAT!

In this section I’m offering you a new approach, new Tools, and new “homework” for you
to get the relationship you want. Let’s start here:

Your Subconscious Is Running You: Change From The Inside Out And
The Outside In

Our lives are created out of our beliefs about ourselves and the world. We can change our
circumstances and change our lives by changing our beliefs.

Beliefs are formed under the surface of what you’re aware of, or in your “subconscious.”
Your subconscious is operating whether you want it to or not. The less you’re aware of what
thoughts and feelings are going on inside you, the more your subconscious thoughts and
beliefs and habits and training are running you and your life.

I’m going to call this subconscious world simply “What You Don’t Know” and your
conscious world “What You Know.”

You can visualize this idea of what’s “subconscious” and what’s “conscious” by looking
at your entire self as a circle. The outer layer is what’s conscious, or what you know about
yourself. What’s in the deepest circle is the buried treasure – the subconscious and what you
don’t know about yourself. It is the big mystery of who you really are.

What you want to do is get to know a little of What You Don’t Know by observing yourself
and paying attention.

When you connect with the emotions and thoughts in your mind and body that you used
to take for granted, and suddenly study them, the outer circle gets bigger. There’s more
to you than you knew, and your world expands. You reclaim a part of yourself that was
previously unreachable and unknown.

You’ll become more conscious of the PATTERNS that show up by getting to know your
habits, triggers and feelings inside you that cause habitual words and actions.

Once you bring up what’s buried on your inside, you can choose how you want to be on
the outside. For example, you’ll realize why you keep ending up in the arms of the same kind
of man, over and over. You’ll recognize that your subconscious is preventing you from really
connecting with a man, because every time you get close to a man, you feel scared and close
off. You may discover that your feelings are telling you you’re afraid of intimacy.

When you know your patterns, you can replace the “icky-feeling” thoughts and actions that
come up with “happier-feeling” ones.

In this way, you can work from the outside in.

I like this focus on happier-feeling and icky-feeling thoughts and actions WAY more than
the old-fashioned terms “negative” and “positive.” This way, you don’t involve yourself in
judging, labeling and defining. (In other words, using your head to understand.) Instead, you
use your heart to feel your way through life.

It doesn’t matter whether something is “negative” or “positive” on paper. It only matters

how it feels to you.

By working from the outside in by changing our words and actions – even slightly – you’ll
create a whole new pattern that builds self-confidence and good feelings. You can heal
yourself, know yourself better, and get what you want in love.

You can change the “vibe” you project out to others, and to men in general.

In this way, becoming aware of the hidden patterns in your thoughts and behavior and
working to replace the “icky” with what feels better, will improve all your relationships,
including the one with yourself.

The Nasty Voice

Some of us carry the icky-feeling, overly careful, seemingly rational and reasonable words
we’ve heard since we were children – we carry them around in our subconscious. We’re not
aware that we’re still listening to the messages of childhood or of an earlier time in our life.

These aren’t benign messages, either. They often hold us back from going after what we
want and from trusting ourselves. They have some of us so tight we can’t even imagine what
it would be like to be loved, just for ourselves – without having to do anything.

We hear an inner voice shouting at us with those words that spark fear and hesitation: You
can’t, you shouldn’t, you mustn’t, you aren’t good enough, you’re not beautiful enough, not
thin enough, not smart enough, you don’t deserve to feel good or have a great relationship,
all the good men are taken, you’re stuck, he’ll never change, it’ll always be the way it is.

This is the “Nasty Voice.”

We’re afraid… of love, of relationship, of intimacy, of success… because we believe the lies
we hear from the Nasty Voice in our heads.

The Voice wants us to believe that we’re not good enough, not beautiful enough, that we
don’t deserve a wonderful relationship, and that if anyone saw us, really saw us as we really
are, they wouldn’t want us.

It wants to keep us afraid to poke our heads out of the prettied-up, often completely
inauthentic outer selves we show the world. It wants to keep us safe. But the effect of the
Voice is the opposite.

Not showing ourselves is not safe. It’s just what we’re used to. It’s a habit. You can break
the bad habits of the Voice by simply refusing to believe it.

That’s it.

Notice I don’t say, “Don’t listen to it,” because I want you to let the voice know you hear
it – it’s a part of you that you want to KNOW. It’s part of the inner circle of What You Don’t
Know that you want to include in the larger circle of What You Know. You want to listen

when it speaks (or screams) – you just don’t want to BELIEVE what it’s saying!

Because the Voice is so clever, what it says often seems reasonable and true, sometimes
even backed up by facts and statistics.

But when you hear something from inside that feels icky when you hear it, or makes you
feel you can’t or shouldn’t or mustn’t, that’s the tipoff that it’s the Nasty Voice and not your
true, inner voice.

Your True Voice will lead you to Love. It will lead you to listening, to appreciating, to
being present and to being happy. This in turn, will open up a man’s heart and soften the
vibe between you and him.

Tools For Tuning In

Here are a series of Tools for you to deal with your Nasty Voice in a completely different
way than you’ve likely ever tried (or perhaps even heard about).

The reason for these Tools and why they work is simple: Love isn’t something you can turn
on and off.

You can’t shut yourself down some of the time and then open yourself when you decide to.

You’re either all shut down, or you’re all opened up. All the time.

So – I want to start you with YOU.

With staying open to YOU.

Nasty Voice and all.

All the time.

The more you can hear yourself, get to know yourself, tolerate the scary things going
on inside your own head, the more you’ll develop real, honest-to-goodness intimacy with
yourself.

And as you become more intimate with you, you will automatically and magically
become intimate with a man.

It just happens that way.

As you do these Tools, see if you can imagine how working this way with yourself will help
you with a man. Because it will.

Tool: Love Your Nasty Voice

First – let’s learn to recognize your Nasty Voice (and any other voices you hear in your
head telling you you’re wrong, not worthy or foolish).

To help you, work backwards from your icky feelings. Start to notice if you suddenly
feel guilty or ashamed or embarrassed. That’s your big clue that your Nasty Voice is
flying high and on the move.

Now, let’s treat your Nasty Voice as a valuable part of you. A part that thinks it has a
job to protect you. Because, even though it has a weird way of showing it, your Nasty
Voice loves you and wants love from you.

The problem is that the Voice’s protection is carried out in a nasty way that makes you
feel icky, and the more we pay attention to it, the more we try to protect ourselves by
beating ourselves up, and then we get further and further away from love.

So – we want to do three things:

1. Acknowledge the Voice,

2. Love and embrace the Voice, and

3. Stop giving it your attention.

I want you to love every single, solitary part of you – even your nastiest Voice. The
more you love it, in fact, the softer it gets and the less it screams at you. You get your
sense of humor back, and the Voice starts to join in the party that is your life.

You begin to trust yourself, and the Voice starts to trust you, too. Here’s how to love
your Nasty Voice, step by step:

1. Embrace the “Voice”

• Physically put your arms around yourself and hug yourself.

• Breathe.

• Feel yourself opening up to the “Voice” instead of resisting it or fighting it.

• Sink into whatever you’re feeling – experience it, and see how much you can
open up to tolerate the energy of being in such close, loving contact with your
Nasty Voice.

2. Tell it: “I hear you, I love you, I will never abandon you. But I’m not going to go in
the direction you want, and I’m in charge here.”

• Say it to yourself with all the love in your heart, because this is your most
vulnerable self screaming at you.

• Even if you have to embrace your Nasty Voice 100 times a day, and tell it you’re
not following it’s orders because you’re in charge here – do that.

• Don’t allow yourself to get into a discussion with it. Your brain and your Nasty
Voice will ALWAYS win and make you feel icky in order to protect you the only way
it knows how.

Just do this Tool until you get the hang of it, and include your Nasty Voice in the
party that is you.

This Tool is the first STOP and UNDO Tool, and it’s a very gentle one. Later on, I’ll ask you
to stop some habits and words cold in their tracks. For now, I want you to keep your eyes on
what you want – love forever – and simply tell yourself that you’re in charge.

This STOP Tool is the most basic and simple one. Just as I’m going to ask you later to stop
running down your date or your mate – even in your mind – I want you to stop running down
you, first.

Just follow this 2-step Tool when your Nasty voice starts screaming at you, and you’ll
already be making headway to knowing more about yourself and shifting everything for the
better.

Now that we’ve established a “no beating yourself up” policy, where you love and embrace
even the nastiest voice inside you that wants to tear down everything you do and say, let’s
take another step toward finding and building on your strengths as a woman:

Exercise: How To Love Yourself

Take a moment and imagine it: What would it be like to trust yourself and to be loved
just for being yourself?

What would it be like to love yourself for just being a woman?

Of course you love being a woman. Or do you?

What are some things you don’t like about being a woman? Write them here. Some
examples might be: Not making as much money as a man for the same job, being
thought of as weaker…

Now what are some of the things you adore about being a woman? Again, write
whatever comes to mind. Some examples: Wearing beautiful and soft (even
transparent!) clothes, showing emotions, having babies…

You can probably guess where I’m going with this.

I encourage you to choose to focus on this second list, the things you adore about being
a woman. Pick something out of this list, and create a structure for it. If you like dressing up,
put your favorite necklace out where you can see it, or wear it to remind yourself what you
like about being a woman.

Take a look at the list. How do you feel when you read through it, imagine it?

Be open to happy feelings when you look at this list. Focus on what you uniquely love
about being a woman. If you want to, fantasize about a gorgeous wardrobe or whatever you
love that says “woman” to you.

If you feel great right away, terrific. If it takes a minute to feel happy, feel a smile on your
face and your body loosen up – take the time.

Connecting to what it is you love about being a woman is connecting to your power source.
It is connecting to your feminine. Ground yourself in this. If it’s manicures that turn you on,
consider the act (real or imagined) of getting a manicure a structure for returning to this
feeling any time you want. If it’s a ball gown, use that image for a structure. If it’s sex and
babies, use that image. Whatever makes you feel womanly, that’s a way to get in touch with
your powerful feminine.

Choose to love yourself simply because you are a woman – no deserving or earning
required. Later on, in the section on feminine energy, you’ll see how this is the way your
husband or boyfriend wants to love you, and the way you’re going to begin to allow him to
love you. For simply being, and acting like, a woman.

Know that every time you take a even a baby step in a happier-feeling direction, your Nasty
Voice may jump in to put a damper on your spirits. Be prepared. Be brave. If you don’t give
the Voice energy, if you don’t fight it or resist it, or tear it down or yell back – or believe it at
all – it will slowly lose its hold over you.

As you get used to the voices in your head, and as you respond to them with love and
kindness and the authority I want you to have as the “one in charge,” everything will feel
better.

The Purpose Of Fear And Anxiety

Fear and anxiety are the tools our brains and habits use to keep ourselves from
experiencing pain. Whether it’s pain we perceive out in the world, pain in our bodies or pain
hidden deep in our minds and psyches.

Okay – total and complete fearlessness is not our goal here. It’s not reasonable! You’d be
a daredevil, you’d take way too many risks, you’d...wait a minute – can you hear the Nasty
Voice cropping up here? Telling you what you should and shouldn’t do, feel, think, try out...?

The Nasty Voice, and fear and anxiety, is your subconscious mind’s way of “monitoring”
whatever it thinks might be risky for you.

But fear often ends up ruling our lives far more painfully than whatever it is we believe
we’re afraid of.

Ask yourself what it would be like to be emotionally fearless. How about physically
fearless? spiritually fearless?

What would it be like to be able to love and embrace the voice in my head that’s always
telling me what I can and can’t do, what I should and shouldn’t, must and mustn’t do, and is
always judging me – and yet not believe it?

Use the Tools and exercises in this chapter to embrace your “Voice” as a part of you, and
yet keep it in its place. Remember, with love, to say you’re in charge.

The reason for this is so important, I want to say it over and over again:

If you shut yourself away from your Nasty Voice, and fight it, and resist it, and let it take
charge of you and beat you up – that’s what you’re going to find out there in the world of
love and relationship: Resistance and struggle.

You’ll find men who are shut down, or your man will shut down, or you’ll shut down
around him. You’ll fight and resist each other and resist love. All the while, you’ll wonder why
intimacy seems so impossible for you.

If you embrace and love your Nasty Voice, that’ll be the hardest thing you have to deal
with! If you can hear and love the voice in your own head that’s verbally hammering you,
and let it know you’re not going to believe it or listen to its screaming warnings and ugly
judgments, and that you’re committed to staying in charge of yourself – you’ll attract men
who want to love you.

You’ll turn around your love life because the man you’re with will feel safe and compelled
to love you.

This book and my programs are based on the idea that small, seemingly insignificant
changes in the words we use on our outsides and assumptions we make on our insides can
lead to huge changes in our relationships, and that these changes will feel so good, our fears
will melt in the face of them, allowing us to open up our minds and hearts.

It is my wish that every woman experience the joy of allowing the world in general, and
men in particular, to see who they really are – down to their core – and then joyfully allow
both the world and men of the world to love them, just as they are.

Chapter 2

Visualize What You Want

“Having someone wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night is a very old human need.”
(Margaret Mead)

Many of us don’t even believe we deserve what brings us pleasure, and so we don’t allow
ourselves to want it. Many of us squelch down the desire so quickly that we don’t even give
ourselves a chance to know if we want
something or not. We’ve never taken the time
to contemplate what would really make us
happy and what we truly desire from a
relationship.

We get all caught up in why the current
situation we’re in isn’t working, why the
man we’re with isn’t cutting it, and so we’re
constantly focusing on what we don’t want
and what doesn’t feel good – instead of
visualizing what it is we want.

I’m going to ask you to focus on what it is
you want for yourself, not what you want
others to do. Focus on understanding where
your desires are coming from, what they’re
leading you to, how it would look if you had what you want, and getting clear on the first
steps to take toward your wants.

Sounds easy, but do you actually know what you want?

Exercise: Your Ideal Relationship

Even if you believe that you do know what you want, it’s the specific, sensual details
of your desire that start the wheels in motion. Throughout this book, we’ll be using
guided imagery and fantasy to help bring vague desires into 3-D wants you can
actually see and feel.

Why is it important to go into so much detail?

Just the way your beliefs hold you back in love or allow you to go further out into love
than you ever thought possible, the way you think about things and imagine things
makes a HUGE difference in the way your mind either helps you or hurts you.

When you let your “wants” stay vague in your imagination, your Nasty Voice has way
more chances to get in there and stir things up. And your true desires have a harder
time getting through.

And shockingly, we often think we want something that looks and sounds good, but
it isn’t really what our hearts want. If that’s the case, a war rages within us, and we
don’t even know why we feel sort of “off.”

Getting into the details of what we want is what clears up all the confusion. It brings
our fears more to the surface so we can deal with them, and it brings the intensity and
passion of our desires into full focus.

Knowing exactly what feels good to you with a man in your imagination makes it so
much easier for “synchronicity” to help you get exactly what you want.

And the easiest, most obvious benefit here is that you’ll know it’s right because
you’ve felt it before!

Let’s start by imagining the perfect relationship.

(If you’re with a man now, he doesn’t even have to be in this fantasy. )

1. Close your eyes and imagine what a perfect day in a perfect relationship looks like,
sounds like, feels like.

Imagine getting up in the morning. What’s the bed like? The sheets? What does your
man (real or imaginary) smell like? Look like? What does he do as soon as he sees
your eyes are open?

Take it from there. Imagine every possible moment of the day.

2. When you’re at the absolute end of the perfect day, falling asleep in his arms (or
in your own arms – it’s important to imagine exactly what you want, not what you
think you’re supposed to want), open your eyes and start to write down what you
remember.

The plot is not important – what’s important are the tactile, sensual details: The
colors, smells, emotional feelings, physical feelings, weather, environment, energy.

3. Go back into your imagination and ask yourself : What does it look like, smell like,
taste like, feel like in the bed, in the kitchen, the living room, out for the evening in
your perfect relationship?

Does he call you a special name? What does he do for you? What do you feel for him?

4. When you’ve filled the page (and perhaps more pages – on your computer or in a

journal) look over what you’ve written. Pick out three of your favorite observations.
Circle them or write them down again.

An example would be: “He touches me on my cheek and looks into my eyes, and I just
melt.” Or, “He’s walking around in these silly boxer shorts and smiling, and I just think
he’s adorable.” Or, “He cleans off the dinner plates and then takes out the garbage,
and I didn’t even ask him.”

5. Look at your three chosen moments of relationship bliss. See if you can find one
thing from each that symbolically sums up that wonderful moment. For the first
example, you might think of “melting into him.” For the second, you might think of
boxer shorts, or your husband (real or imagined) smiling. For the third, you might
think of him standing by a cleaned-off table. Come up with what is meaningful to you.

6. Circle or rewrite your three short versions of blissful moments.

This exercise gives you a bite-sized vision that you can recall at will to bring you back,
instantly, to the remembered wonderful moment. It ignores anything that brought up “icky
feelings” and just focuses on WHAT YOU WANT. Focusing on what you want will help lead
you toward new possibilities, and is an important basis for creating the relationship you
want.

Chapter 3

Turn Away From Icky-Feeling Thoughts

“It’s not your job to like me. It’s mine.” (Byron Katie)

As you were fantasizing about a perfect day in your perfect relationship in the previous
chapter, it may have triggered visions of very yucky moments in your not-so perfect
relationship.

You may have been enticed down a road of
rehashing miserable moments from the past
and drawn into imagining them, and dreading
them, in the future.

Even after doing what was supposed to be
a “positive” and uplifting exercise, you may
find yourself getting angry – or sad. Instead of
focusing on what you want, you’ve gone down
the road of dwelling on what you DON’T want.

Whenever this happens, STOP. Just turn
away from the icky-feeling thoughts and
return gently to the happier imagery you’ve
written down or created.

This is important: It doesn’t matter if the new thoughts you’re returning to are “happy” or
create “happy” feelings – what DOES matter is that they feel “happier.” Just simply “better-
feeling” than the other ones. An improvement you can feel. As you learn to do this, you’ll
automatically become more aware of your feelings – which we’ll build on later...

This Stopping will be a very important tool for you throughout your transformation, and I
want you to start practicing it now. When you sense yourself going down the slippery slope
of judgment, ickyness, despair, blame, guilt or anger – just stop. Completely turn away from
the unhappy thought and the conversation in your head about it.

Remember how you dealt with the Nasty Voice in the previous chapter? And how I called it
the first STOP Tool?

That’s because stopping what doesn’t work is even more important than doing what does
work.

In other words – what you’re paying attention to (as in paying attention to the Nasty

Voice in the old way where you believed in what it says) GROWS.

If you feed it, it grows.

Loving it is not the same as feeding it. You love it by hearing it, embracing it, opening your
heart to it, and then going in the direction you want to go, regardless. Feeding it is centering
your attention on it and following its instructions.

It’s very, very important that, just as with the Nasty Voice, you don’t fight the icky visions
or the fear, or whatever shows up for you. They just “feel icky.” And they “don’t work.”

No matter how many times you have to do it, keep turning away from the icky and back
to the happy fantasy until it plays out to the end of the day. Ignore everything that isn’t
wonderful, perfect, blissful.

For some of you, this is easy. For most, it is a struggle. As soon as your own husband or
boyfriend – or a past lover who broke your heart – gets into the picture, whatever you’ve
been doing, thinking and feeling about him will come up.

Most of us have been coping so long, living in the land of “just not happy,” that to switch
gears into our better-feeling feelings and thoughts is a tremendous challenge.

It takes practice, but you can do it.

Practice 24/7 Can Turn Things Around In Days

The tool of being able to return again and again to the happier-feeling image, as gently
as you can, works like magic in helping you turn a moment of relationship conflict into an
opportunity to breathe and gain perspective.

All you need is a moment. All you need is one breath.

If a thought or word or action makes you feel distant from a man – and from yourself –
return to the better-feeling thoughts every moment of every day.

Practice stopping what you’re doing, and, instead, “turn away” from the thoughts that
don’t feel happy.

First – catch yourself thinking and following the icky-feeling thought.

Second, stop the icky-feeling thought dead in its tracks.

Third, look around at something that pleases you – either something real, like a pretty
dress in a window or a pretty car next to you on the road – or something from your
imagination.

This is where your three short memories of real or imagined bliss come in handy. Pull
them out every time you stop an icky-feeling thought.

Open your heart to the happy, the upbeat, the lovely, and simply sink back, very, very
gently, into that happy, upbeat, happier-feeling, lovely place whenever you remember to do
it.

This ability to be flexible and move effortlessly from control to surrender, from icky-feeling
to happier-feeling, from judgment and labeling to “neutral,” will help you ease into the
changes that will turn your love life from what it is now into what you want it to be.

Later in the section on Key #3, you’ll learn why letting go of control in a relationship can
help bring you closer to a man, because openness, surrender and flexibility are qualities
that are very attractive to a masculine man. Practicing those qualities now with both your
Nasty Voice and your fantasy of the ideal relationship will prepare you to sink deeper into a
more compelling, relaxed “vibe” as you go through the rest of the Tools in this book.

Chapter 4

Choose Relationship & Commit To Having It

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” (Confucius)

Part of discovering what it is you really want is choosing a path and then committing to
sticking with it.

You may have been enticed down a road of
rehashing miserable moments from the past
and drawn into imagining them, and dreading
them, in the future.

If you waver back and forth between
wanting to be unaccountable and
uncommitted and wanting a relationship,
then your lack of clarity and commitment will
show up in relationships that also waver back
and forth between blissful and difficult.

Review your answers in chapter 2 about
what kind of relationship you really want
(Exercise – “Your Ideal Relationship”). Are you
willing to commit to the idea of this kind of
relationship, no matter what?

If you’re married or engaged, this is about making the commitment 100% to be in the
relationship you have, to the man you’re with. You’ll have to decide right now if your man is
up to the task of giving you what you want.

If you’re not married or engaged, then you’re officially only “dating” either many men, or
one man who’s asked you to be exclusive and you’ve agreed.

If you’re dating, then don’t commit 100% to anyone but yourself and what you want. If the
man you’re with doesn’t share your vision of the perfect relationship, then you may need to
reassess whether he’s worth your time.

Is There Really Space In Your Life For Your Ideal Relationship?

If you’re single, are you really willing to commit to your ideal relationship? You may say you

are, but are you, really? Not wanting to be lonely, or wanting a date for Saturday night isn’t
enough to keep a relationship together.

If you’re single, you’ll need to ask yourself if there’s space in your life for someone else who
has legitimate claims on your time and energy. Is there room in your home for a man? Are
you a perfectionist who needs everything in its place?

I don’t want you to talk yourself into “relationship” or “marriage” just because you think
you should want that. I work with many women who discover they love living alone and
dating as many men as show up (and often there are a lot of men who show up).

I’ve talked and worked with many women who discover they actually want a lover, not a
husband. That they don’t want to be “responsible” for anyone else as they grow older.

So really look at what you really want and...

Ask yourself: Do I really want a relationship? Am I really willing to make time and energy
for it?

Are you more attached to your possessions, ideas, opinions, independence, freedom and
lifestyle than you are to the idea of a relationship with all its messy physicality and messy
emotions?

Ask yourself: Am I willing to let someone who is not completely perfect into my heart?

And what about the level of relationship you’re willing to commit to? Do you want to be
married? Is there a glimmer of desire in you for marriage and family that you’re hiding even
from yourself? Are you afraid to have big dreams and big expectations for your future?

Ask yourself: Am I ready to say flat-out that I want to be married, and move toward
that even if the man I’m with doesn’t share my vision? Even if it means letting go of a
relationship that won’t give me what I want?

Recommitting To The Relationship Or Marriage You Already Have

If you’re married or in an exclusive relationship, making the commitment to the
relationship gives you clarity. It allows you to let the bond of the relationship carry you over
the tough parts rather than your bond with the man himself.

When things aren’t going well in a relationship, survival skills get activated. One part of
you wants to run, leave, go to Tahiti, find another man. Though this part can get bold and
fearless – which often feels good – it usually only distracts from the real problems and the
real solutions.

The other part just wants to tear your man apart. This is the part that is so scared of the
relationship breaking down, the part that has so little faith in the relationship itself that all
you can do is attack, and then cry.

Most of us go back and forth between these two. We’re one foot in and one foot out of
the relationship – sometimes at all times. And then we turn all that anger and confusion on
ourselves – making ourselves at fault, making ourselves wrong, feeling guilty and icky.

But committing to the relationship itself can cut through all the confusion.

It allows you to:

Activate the warrior in you – the parts of you that are brave enough to neither run nor
succumb to attacking. These parts are willing to show the depths of how you really feel –
hurt, disappointed, angry, scared, thrilled, ecstatic. They’re brave enough to express your
feelings without attacking your partner.

Step back into the observer – the part of you that can see what’s going on all around you.
It sees the whole of the relationship and can put things in perspective. The observer can help
you take a breath before you fall back into old ways of reacting that don’t work and give you
a chance to try some new ways of being and expressing yourself.

Activating the observer will help you break some of the old patterns of your relationships.
And cutting loose the brave warrior in you will help you stand by yourself. It will help you
require top-notch treatment and loving from your man and refuse to tolerate anything
less than that. It will encourage you to open your heart, be vulnerable to love and express
yourself authentically. Again, choosing the partner you have stops the confusion.

Recommitting: A Success Story

A woman I knew was always one foot in and one foot out of her relationship. When things
were bad, she was as good as single – with all the pain, loneliness and freedom that gave
her. And then within hours she’d bounce back to the other side, becoming so frightened of
driving her husband away that she became sticky sweet. Just too nice to be believed.

After an argument, he was simply frightened of her intensity, and tried to cool things by
giving her space. He knew he’d done a bad thing, but he was completely unmoved to rectify
his mistake, because he knew she would first scream at him, then stomp out, then return
nicer than ever, and everything would be okay for awhile.

But he didn’t really like this nice, sweet, servicing woman who came back to him. He
didn’t respect that woman. And he didn’t know how to be with her and her feelings, so he
just tuned out a little more, which frustrated her, and soon the resentment grew, and then
there’d be another mistake, and another series of bouncing in and out of the relationship.

I asked what was it about not committing to the relationship that was so appealing. She
said it made her feel more in control. I asked her what being in control looked like. She said
it looked like taking care of herself. I asked her what taking care of herself looked like when
things were going badly. She thought about it, and said “If I could just stand there, stand still

for a minute, and tell him exactly what I’m feeling and have him really hear me.”

And what then? I asked. “Then he takes care of me,” she said. And we both laughed, but
she knew she’d hit on something, because the next time things went bad, she didn’t run out
to the store or down the street, and she didn’t slam doors or jump in front of the basketball
game and scream at him. She just stood there. She stood there, shaking, she said, and
she told him what it felt like to be her at that moment, and then she noticed that he was
transfixed.

He was watching her, and listening to her. She noticed, for the first time, that he was
paying attention. And then, instead of yelling back at her, or stomping into another room, he
apologized. He just said, “I’m sorry.”

He said he’d been oblivious to what was going on, and he was sorry. And she decided that
it was good enough for the moment, and she just went into the kitchen to think about it all.
And then he left the TV set and came into the kitchen and touched her shoulder. And she
was so surprised.

I asked her how that happened, and she said “I just made up my mind, and I don’t know
why, but I just decided that I was married to him and I’d just damn well better try something
different.”

My friend’s husband was able to step up to the plate.

So if you’re married or in an exclusive relationship, ask yourself: Is my man good enough,
right now, exactly the way he is, for me to recommit to him?

Let’s say for a 4-week trial of this program. Is he satisfactory – at least more satisfactory
than unsatisfactory? Think about it. Exactly the way he is.

For those of you who are so angry and disappointed you can’t think of anything satisfactory
about your man at all, I’m going to ask questions to help you see him, as he is, without all the
drama of your relationship, and all the feelings – said and unsaid – that stand between you.

So, are you going to keep your man, or throw him back?

If you want to give your relationship a fair shot at becoming fantastic, you’re going to have
to commit 100%, full-out – no matter what happens, no matter how you think it’s going – to
doing the work. You’re going to have to face yourself fearlessly.

Exercise: How Do You Decide If He’s Worth It?

Start by asking yourself – do you still love him, even a little? If there’s anything left,
write it down.

I still love my man because:

…

…

Then ask – do you respect him, in any way, even a little? Look for areas you may not
have thought about. Is he a good father? Is he a good driver? Does he work hard? Is
he a good dancer? Does he show up on time?

Write all these things down. Don’t even bother with the things he does and says you
don’t like. (The things you used to call “negative,” but now we just frame them as
things YOU have feelings about – things you like and don’t like.)

Most likely you’ve been living in the land of “How awful he is” for quite a while, and
we’re going to deal with that later.

I like my man for these qualities:

…

…

I respect my man for these qualities:

…

…

Look at your list. Think about it. Is there enough about him that you like, respect –
maybe even love – that makes him more satisfactory than not?

Note: If you’re being physically abused, your man is ill. Nothing you like about him
makes an abusive man satisfactory in any way. He is unacceptable. Please go directly
to the phone or the Internet and find help in your area. The work you need to do is not
toward saving your relationship, but toward saving yourself – so that you will never
again tolerate being disrespected or abused.

Okay, if, objectively, your man, at this moment, is more satisfactory than not
satisfactory, ask yourself:

Am I willing to put my whole heart, mind, body and spirit into transforming my
relationship? Will I commit to the Have The Relationship You Want program for 4
weeks no matter what?

You’ll see as you begin trying some of the techniques in this book that things will change
for the better very quickly. The clarity you’ll get from seeing these great results will motivate
you to continue. At the beginning, you may have to “fake it ‘til you make it” – and you’ll still
get many of the results you want.

But to truly transform yourself and your relationship, it takes absolute, iron-will, total
commitment that will carry you over the scary places real relationship and real intimacy take
you. The scariness of intimacy is all part of what creates the passion.

Unlike a relationship with a not-so-good guy, where the passion can come from feeling
off balance and insecure most of the time, the passion in a relationship with a good,
steady, loving man comes from the exhilaration of being able to show your soul and be
loved for it!

To get the most out of these exercises, I encourage you to feel as though you were
committed – or even to imagine yourself as totally committed – to the idea of relationship.

Commit without any expectations.

Key 2

Choose Feminine Energy

In order to fully attract a masculine-energy man who knows how to love us,
we need to know how to embody our feminine energy. In this key, you’ll learn
what masculine and feminine energies are, what they look and feel and sound
like, why feminine energy is attractive to a masculine energy man, and how
to make subtle shifts in words and body language to inhabit your feminine or
“girl” energy and attract the man you really want.

Chapter 5

Masculine & Feminine Energy

“Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are.” (Houssaye)

Throughout my work, I often bring up the concept of “masculine and feminine energy.”

So, what exactly is the difference between masculine and feminine energy, and why
is really understanding that difference so
incredibly important for your love life?

The difference has nothing to do with
gender. It doesn’t mean that a woman with
masculine energy is “man-ish” or that a man
with feminine energy is “effeminate.” It has
nothing to do with sexual orientation or
sexuality.

Masculine energy is simply about action.
It’s about doing, thinking, decision making,
logistics, analyzing, figuring out, solving,
planning, leading and giving.

Feminine energy is about feeling, expressing,
intuiting, just being, following and receiving.

We all have both these energies, and we use them in different moments of our lives.

Being in your masculine energy or feminine energy has to do with the way you “engage”
with the world, and with a man.

What Energy Do You Radiate To The World Most Of The Time?

When I talk about a woman embodying feminine energy, I say it’s about being a “girl.”
Again, this has nothing to do with your gender, youth or immaturity. It has to do with the
energy you’re radiating out. So much of this “vibe” you’re putting out is in everything you say
and do – and so much more of it is just in what you’re FEELING.

Are you mostly a feeling, sensual, expressing and experiencing-in-the-moment kind of
woman? Instead of focusing on doing, achieving, accomplishing tasks? Most of the time? If
so, then you’re very comfortable in your feminine, girl energy.

If you find yourself making lists and checking them off, giving advice to your date, your
boyfriend or husband, friends, co-workers and family all the time – and being gratified from
a sense of accomplishment – you’re likely projecting a lot of masculine or “boy energy” into
the world.

Masculine energy organizes, figures things out, initiates. Masculine energy “wears the
pants” in the relationship. Most men operate from this masculine energy, but if a man
is in his feminine energy, he’s more creative, likes to talk about his feelings, and likes to
experience rather than achieve.

If you’re a woman who enjoys the sensual things in life – great music, soft fabrics,
perfumes and candles, meandering walks and conversation, and you’re in tune with your
feelings and intuition, then you’re very comfortable with your girl energy.

Masculine And Feminine Energy: At Home And At Work

We women have been taught that in order to be successful in today’s society, we need to
embody most of the qualities that constitute masculine energy. We need to plan, organize,
achieve and accomplish.

Let’s say I’m the CEO of a major corporation. I’m going to be thinking and planning and
discussing and making decisions a lot of the time. All masculine energy “stuff.”

So, let’s say running the company isn’t enough for me. What if I want to be in charge of
my relationship, too? What if I want to make decisions, set agendas, do the doing, do the
thinking, all that in my relationship?

Well, what if I happen to be married to a feminine-energy man – he may be very powerful
at work; but at home, he’s happy to let me make decisions, he likes to respect me for my
decision-making, and he likes being the sensual, creative, feeling, receptive, intuitive partner
within our little relationship bubble? Well, we’ll get along just fine. And it’ll be very juicy.

And yet, do you think you’d like that model? Where you’re the giver, the doer, the thinker,
the decider, and he’s the taker, the feeler? MOST of the time?

It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Still, it would work if you wanted to be in a relationship that way.
But most women I speak with don’t.

But, what if my husband is a masculine-energy man? Then it’s not going to be enough for
him to be thinking and planning just in his work. He’s going to want to be respected for his
thinking and decision making in the relationship, too.

He’s going to want more than just input. He’s going to want to set agendas, start
discussions, and he’s going to want a feminine-energy woman to be the sensual, creative,
feeling, receptive and intuitive partner in his life.

Can I do that? Can I change “hats” from running a huge company to letting my man run our

home life? Trusting him – giving myself over to him, at least some of the time?

Depends what I want. If I like my men masculine, yeah. I can.

But, if I don’t want to give up my “boy” behavior – if I want to both run the company AND
run my relationship, too, we’re not going to have a very juicy relationship.

My masculine-energy husband probably won’t leave me – but we’re going to be two
“boys” butting heads all the time. We’ll always both be in our heads, figuring things out.

They’ll be no one to carry the feelings in the relationship – the feminine part of the
relationship. There will be no one to offer the sensuality and creativity that true passion and
romance requires.

If I decide I actually want the whole shebang – running the company and romance too,
than yes, I can do it. I can switch hats on a dime. I can learn to be in my boy energy when I’m
running the company and running my schedule, and to be in my girl energy when I’m with
my man.

This way I really get everything.

Why Masculine Men Are Compelled By Feminine Energy

A man who’s comfortable in his masculine energy may have a difficult time accessing his
emotions. Unlike a woman who can move fluidly between masculine and feminine energies,
and knows what she’s feeling (even if she doesn’t know why), a man has a difficult time even
knowing what’s going on with him emotionally.

That’s why, when a masculine-energy man is around a woman who is comfortable in and
expresses her feminine energy, he finds it easier to access his emotions. He goes from being
“in his head” to being more “in his heart”.

He can finally feel safe to stop all the striving and doing and just be himself, and that’s the
first step for him to be able to even consider what it is he’s feeling for YOU.

On the other hand, when a masculine man is around a masculine-energy woman, he
remains in his head – thinking, analyzing and planning – and he won’t be able to let himself
go. He won’t be able to drop down into his feelings.

In a sense, it’s simply like this: When he can’t feel your feminine vulnerability and openness
around him – he won’t be able to feel his vulnerability and openness for you.

He simply won’t be able to believe you trust him enough with your own deep feelings to
allow himself to let you to see his.

This is where we women often have difficulty connecting with a man. We’re instinctively
connecting with his mind and his thinking-striving energy, instead of connecting with his
heart and his feeling-being energy.

This is about being in your body and your heart, instead of in your head. A man can’t
connect to us when we’re in our heads. Nothing going on. We have to drop down into our
hearts and bodies, and then he’ll drop down into his heart, and bam – we’re connected.

A man doesn’t fall in love because it’s logical or makes sense. He doesn’t fall in love with
you because you’re wonderful, smart, funny – or anything he can “name.”

He falls in love because he “feels it” in his gut, which often makes no sense to him (or
anyone) “on paper.” He needs to feel safe to access his own emotions and vulnerability.

This is why, if you like being with a masculine-energy man, you need to know how to
express your feminine energy.

Embodying your feminine energy means treasuring and believing in your feelings,
trusting your intuition, surrendering to your sense of what’s right for you. It means
experiencing your emotions and allowing others into your emotional life.

The most important task for women today, and the piece of the puzzle that we’ve all
steadily lost touch with, is re-learning how to simply be.

Just being is magnetizing rather than pursuing, intuiting rather than thinking. It is often
about “not doing.” Not trying to please others, not trying to manage situations, not
performing or pretending.

So what’s it like to just be?

Why You Should Choose To Be The Feminine-Energy Partner

This may go against everything we’ve been taught about being equal in a relationship. In
my model, men and women are equal in relationship – but we freely choose to come at it
from different ways.

In my model:

• Every romantic relationship needs a primarily masculine-energy partner and a primarily
feminine-energy partner. One of each – regardless of gender, or who chooses which role.

• Either you wear the pants in the relationship, or he does.

• You’re free to choose either role – but you can’t have both.

• Most women are happiest in a relationship where they are the feminine-energy partner
and they allow or inspire their man to be the masculine-energy partner – because this
allows the man to drop down into his heart and feel his feelings, which brings about more
passion, romance and nurturing.

Let me put it another way. If what you want in a partner, or perhaps a husband, is a
masculine, respectable, stable John Wayne type – someone who’ll cherish your feelings and
adore you for just being who you are – then you have to choose to be the feminine-energy

partner.

Ask yourself:

How do you see yourself in your ideal relationship? Are you in action, handling things? Do
you want to always be in control, keep the books, make the decisions, be respected for all
that you do, and cherish your man’s feelings ahead of your own? Do you want to give up
romance, feelings, affection and take care of your man?

Or do you want to surrender to romance, allowing your man to treasure your feelings, and
concerning yourself with fun, your environment, taking time for yourself, allowing your man
to be in action, handling things?

Take some time to write down what it is you truly want from a relationship.

Key 3

Give Up Control & Get Partnership

Giving up control in a relationship means not trying to manage your
partner, and instead allowing him the space he needs to pursue and nurture
you. This key teaches you how to stop chasing, managing, controlling and over-
giving, so your man has an opportunity to step up and be a true, loving partner
to you.

Chapter 6

Give Up Control

“If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you’ve made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in
the palm of my hand.” (Unknown)

Where women are making a huge mistake today is in choosing to be the feminine-energy
partner, but defaulting into the masculine, action-oriented, take-charge style we’ve learned
to use out in the world.

We do this simply because it’s habit. We’re
rewarded for our masculine “doing and
achieving” energy out in the world and believe
that we need to use that same energy to get
what we want in a relationship. But instead it
backfires on us.

This is why you need to consciously choose
feminine energy in a relationship and avoid
accidentally defaulting to the masculine
energy that’s such a turn off for a masculine-
energy man.

When you consciously choose to be the
feminine-energy partner, you’re making an
agreement to primarily carry those feminine
energies in the relationship – which means that you’re no longer called upon to nurture
your man’s feelings, and he assumes the masculine pleasure of being the “hero” in your
relationship and doing the things that make you happy.

In return, you agree to treat him with respect. You agree that he will primarily carry the
masculine, doing, managing and decision-making energies in the relationship. You agree to
carry the feminine feeling, expressing, intuitive, creative energies in the relationship.

I’ll be addressing more about how to receive love from the masculine and letting him take
the lead in Key #4, and how to express your feminine energy with words and body language
in Key #5, but before you can begin to express your feminine energy, you first need to give up
trying to control and manage your relationship – or your man.

Control is a very masculine-energy trait, and it’s a turn off to a man because a masculine
man doesn’t want to be managed, criticized or controlled. It makes him feel that he can’t

do anything right, and flies in the face of his desire to want to be your hero and please you.
It also keeps him from accessing his feelings and therefore blocks him from connecting with
your heart.

There are many ways that we women try to control our partner, whether we’re single and
“chasing” him without realizing it, or we’re “rowing the boat” trying to get our relationship
to go toward the shore of commitment, or we’re already in a committed relationship and
“Overfunctioning.” I’ll be explaining each of these in depth later in this section.

If you’re in a committed relationship, controlling behavior makes him feel disrespected,
unappreciated, and like he’s a child and you’re his mother. It’s not exactly sexy!

If you’re a single woman and a dating relationship is just beginning with a man, or he’s
teetering on the edge of a real commitment, this kind of masculine energy can look and feel
to him like you’re desperate or “chasing” him just when he needs most to be chasing you.

We may not even be aware that we’re doing it, or we may think that we’re simply being
“helpful” or “pro-active” instead of seeing our behavior for what it really is: An attempt to
steer things in the direction we want them to go.

Single And Dating: Control Through “Chasing”

Are you habitually reverting to your masculine energy in a relationship by “chasing” him
without knowing it?

We might think we’re being “friendly” by sending a flirty text or baking him a birthday
cake, but unless a man is steadily coming toward you all on his own, these actions are really
subtle ways in which we try to control a relationship – and they can end up pushing a man
away.

Here are some things to ask yourself that will give you clues:

1. Are you feeling like it’s always up to YOU to make a relationship happen and keep it
going?

2. Do all the men you’ve ever loved – or even just “liked” a lot – take “work”?

3. Have men pulled away from the relationship no matter how much work you’ve put
in, until you found yourself feeling clingy and needy when you KNOW you’re NOT
that way?

You may not even be aware of the ways you’re embodying masculine energy in your
interactions with men. Most women don’t!

You’re probably wondering what embodying a masculine energy “vibe” around a man even
LOOKS like.

These days, after feminism changed the way we looked at our real power in this world, our
relationships with men got even more confusing.

We started to pursue men the way we pursue work, or our schedules, or errands. We
started to make checklists and “get things done.” We started to “think” our way through love
instead of FEEL our way through it – and as a result, we’ve all been practically TRAINED in
how to NOT connect with a man’s heart!

“But What If He Thinks I’m Not Interested?!” (Or What “Chasing”
Looks Like)

When we find ourselves falling for a man, it’s normal to start feeling that if we don’t show
enough interest in him, he might get the wrong message and drift away. We want to make
sure he knows we like him. So we might do things like:

1. Calling him because you heard or read about something interesting, or because you
knew there was a great band playing somewhere, or someone told you about some
great event that you want to invite him to.

2. Asking him why he hasn’t called you.

3. E-mailing him, texting him, Facebooking him, sending him a cute card, dropping by his
house, or in any way attempting to initiate some kind of contact.

4. Asking him how he feels – especially asking him how he feels about you or the
relationship.

5. Inviting him to come and join you, or in any way acting like the social director of the
relationship.

At first glance, these actions might seem completely harmless. In fact, you may feel that
he’ll just see you as being friendly and want to get closer to you.

Your desire to touch base and get greater clarity into the relationship feels normal to you,
and it may usually occur as a good-hearted attempt to stay in touch with a man who has
piqued your interest.

But it’s important to be cautious when reaching out to a potential romantic interest –
especially with repeated messages.

Many men perceive check-ins, invitations and questions about the relationship as a kind of
pressure – or a woman taking on the role of pursuer.

Some men may back off their dating efforts when they sense you’re assuming a role they
view as traditionally male.

Rest assured that if a man is interested in you, he will normally assume the role of the
pursuer. All you have to do is be warm and receptive to him, and he’ll continue to move

toward you.

What About Online Dating?

If the dating site you’re on lets you “favorite” a man and then allows him to establish a
connection with you – go ahead and try it to see if it works for you and if it feels good. But
if you find yourself continually, actively searching for men online or initiating contact with
them and then feeling disappointed – you’re falling into the realm of masculine energy.

And after you’ve had a chance to meet, many men see repeated messages from you as a
sign of insecurity – a sign of fear that you’ll lose him. It’s not “pro-active” in the way you may
think it is. It’s just masculine energy.

When he encounters this kind of masculine vibe from you, he’ll feel smothered, pushed,
prodded, herded and pressured in a way that dampens his desire to get closer to you.
Specifically, it dampens the attraction for him – even though he likely doesn’t know why and
can’t put it into words. He just loses motivation.

The premise is the same online and offline: Allow him the space to step forward and come
to you. There’s an added bonus here – you’ll get to see how a man really feels about you.

Seriously Dating: Why “Rowing The Boat” Is Another Form Of Control

If you’ve been seeing a man for a while and things are going well, you’ll start to want
things for your relationship. You may want to become monogamous, move in together, get
engaged, get married, or plan something big together.

I’m going to suggest a metaphor for how things may be for you right now. In this metaphor,
you and your man are in a boat. The boat is the relationship. The shoreline is your fantasy for
what you want from the relationship. It’s your goal.

Imagine yourself in this rowboat with a man you love, floating in soft, calm water in the
middle of a gorgeous lake.

Imagine that waiting for you at the shoreline is exactly what you want and yearn for in
relationship.

Now – and really let your whole body and heart experience this in your imagination – What
are you doing?

Who’s rowing the boat to shore?

Is it you?

My whole love life, it’d been me rowing that boat. Always trying to make it happen, always
trying, in my sweet, smiling way, to get the love, affection, attention and commitment I
wanted from the man in the boat with me.

It didn’t matter why he was there (maybe it was just for the afternoon!) – I wanted to make
him mine. I wanted to make him into the man who’d make me happy.

As you’re imagining being in this rowboat, what if, instead of just leaning back in it and
enjoying the ride (even if you’re just sitting in the water and seemingly going nowhere),
you’re rowing for all you’re worth?

This is control. And giving it up is hard.

“Rowing The Boat” could look a lot of ways: You making the plans, calling a man, giving him
things, arranging things, asking him for things, initiating everything all the time, talking about
the relationship and where it’s going.

Notice how all of that doing is masculine energy. Notice how much it sounds like “chasing”
a man from the last section.

We women have got this Rowing The Boat thing down so well by now, we can convince
ourselves we’re not “chasing” a man. We can come up with great reasons to do everything
we’re doing.

And because we’re good women, we really believe we have to do all this rowing. Someone
told us, long ago, that if we didn’t Row The Boat – nothing would ever happen for us.

If we didn’t do it, it wouldn’t happen.

The thing is – what’s a man feeling when the woman he’s with is Rowing The Boat? He
may be enjoying the ride, he may like her, like her company, like talking to her – but he
doesn’t fall in love with her.

When the woman is Rowing the Boat, she’s all in her head, in her boy energy. She’s
managing and controlling where the relationship is headed. This doesn’t allow the man the
space to know what he’s really feeling or what he wants. It makes him withdraw.

It doesn’t even matter how “in love” he says he is with you – controlling, rowing-the-boat
energy will only push him further away.

A man’s heart simply cannot be engaged when the woman he’s with is rowing. It’s as
though she’s got an agenda, she’s doing all the work, she’s in her head – and he just shuts
down that romantic, feeling part of himself.

And how does Rowing the Boat feel for us? Frustrating, icky, sad. This is how we get angry
at a man.

It’s as though our anger is in direct proportion to the effort we’re putting out.

The more we row, the angrier we get. And then – the man feels all that frustration,
disappointment and anger, and he shuts down even more.

Not only don’t we capture his love when we row – we actually do damage.