1989-98 AVAILABLE ON DVD, NETFLIX, DIGITAL Much ado about nothing… do it.” And it’s precisely the fact that co-creators Seinfeld and fellow comedian Larry David had no idea how to do a ‘traditional’ sitcom that ultimately made the series so special. Looking back on Seinfeld a quarter of a century after it came to an end, it’s sometimes difficult to remember just how revolutionary it really was. In an era when other prime-time sitcoms still prioritised clean-cut family values, Seinfeld stuck to David’s mantra of “no hugging and no learning”, preferring to humiliate its venal, self-interested central foursome than have them grow in any way. Likewise, plotting largely eschewed life-changing events in favour of finding the hilarious, the surreal and the painfully awkward in the mundane minutiae of everyday life. And while its creators may not have known how to make a ‘traditional sitcom’, they understood enough to be able to satirise the format. More than anything else, though, the reason Seinfeld remains so beloved today is because it is so very, very funny – except, ironically, for that ratings-smashing finale. But even if the end proved controversial, Seinfeld exited the way it came in, ditching convention and bowing out on its own terms. ANTON VAN BEEK According to the Nielsen ratings for the week beginning 11 May 1998, an estimated 76 million TV viewers across the US tuned in to watch the final-ever episode of Seinfeld. To put this into perspective, fellow pop-culture phenomenon Friends pulled in a comparatively paltry 52m US viewers for its final episode just six years later (having peaked back in 1996 with 53m for ‘The One After the Superbowl’). Admittedly, the Seinfeld finale was something of an outlier, with the series’ last three seasons (its most-watched) averaging 32-38m viewers. Even so, it’s not bad going for a sitcom famously described as “a show about nothing”, one created by a couple of stand-up comics with no real track record in television, and whose pilot episode – broadcast under original title The Seinfeld Chronicles – was reportedly dismissed as “too New York, too Jewish” by NBC president Brandon Tartikoff. “You almost knew you were on the right track when people at the network didn’t like it,” recalls leading man Jerry Seinfeld. “I mean, I wanted them to like it, but we weren’t going to really change the tone of the show. I couldn’t have done any other show than that show. I just wouldn’t know how to SEINFELD CLASSIC TV SONY George, Kramer, Elaine and Jerry – pushing boundaries and opening doors. ‘THE CONTEST’, SEASON 4, 1992 Seinfeld’s funniest and most taboo-busting episode sees Jerry, George (Jason Alexander), Elaine (Julia LouisDreyfus) and Kramer (Michael Richards) compete to see who can go longest without, ahem, touching themselves. Yes, this prime-time sitcom dedicated an entire episode to masturbation (while never actually using the word) – and in the process won Larry David an Emmy for Outstanding Writing. A V E R Y S P E C I A L EPISODE TOTALFILM.COM FEBRUARY 2023 | TOTAL FILM | 101
102 | TOTAL FILM | FEBRUARY 2023 TALFILM.COM/SUBS SAMSUNG MICRO LED TV OUT TBC 2023 £TBC Micro LED models, likely to be the successor to OLED panels, use teeny-tiny organic LEDs to bring you brighter pictures with more energy efficiency. However, they’ve previously only been available in preposterous dimensions that would be impossible to fit into most homes. But Samsung is now bringing the technology to rather more sensibly sized 50-inch screens, much earlier than anyone expected. Details for the new models are thin on the ground, but they sport a bezel-free design (above), giving you as much screen real estate as possible. Models in the 2023 range will go from 50in all the way up to a whopping 140in. SONY AFEELA PRE-ORDERS START 2025 £TBC Sony’s first-ever car, the Afeela, was described as a “moving entertainment space” at its CES unveiling. The futuristic electriccar prototype from Sony Honda Mobility (SHM) features screens for movies which, theoretically, you’ll be able to make use of thanks to the vehicle’s autonomous driving features. As well as screens along the dashboard, the swish white interior features two large screens in the back, along with surround sound. Naturally, it’ll be pricey, but it gives us a glimpse of our movie-watching-on-the-go future. We’re lining up Christine, Duel and Death Proof for our first road trip. PA N A S O N I C , N A N O L E A F, S A M S U N G , J B L , L G , S O N Y From cable-free living rooms to screen-packed cars… Last month, the world’s biggest tech companies once again headed to the bright lights of Las Vegas for the annual Consumer Electronics Show (CES). This year’s event was heaving with the latest gadgets and gizmos, including some tantalising home-cinema tech. Here’s what to keep an eye out for in ’23 and beyond… PANASONIC MZ2000 OUT SPRING 2023, £TBC The latest flagship OLED from Panasonic (below) is once again a real treat for movie fans. Designed to offer the maker’s best and brightest picture to date, the panel also sports an improved version of Filmmaker Mode. Backed by auteurs including James Cameron, Patty Jenkins and Ryan Coogler, it’s a setting that aims to show you the image as the director intended you to see it. The revamped version brings accurate picture reproduction in any lighting conditions, so it’ll work just as well in your well-lit living room as in a fancy home-cinema bunker. As with previous models, the MZ2000 has been tuned for top-notch colour accuracy by Hollywood colourist Stefan Sonnenfeld, whose recent work includes Top Gun: Maverick. With Technics audio on board, the TV also packs upward-, side- and front-firing speakers for 360 Dolby Atmos sound. Available in 55in, 65in and 77in models.
TOTALFILM.COM FEBRUARY 2023 | TOTAL FILM | 103 JBL BAR 1300 OUT MID-FEBRUARY £1,299.99 JBL’s most advanced soundbar yet, the Bar 1300 features six upwardfiring speakers, bringing both Dolby Atmos and DTS:X 3D surround sound to your movie marathons. The soundbar comes with a wireless subwoofer as well as two battery-powered detachable surround speakers that you can place anywhere in the room. You can also pair one of the speakers to a Bluetooth device to use as a standalone Bluetooth speaker. What’s more, the soundbar packs unique tech designed to boost voice clarity – excellent news for those films where you struggle to hear what the hell everyone’s actually saying. You can also link up to Alexa, Google Assistant, or Siri for hands-free control. NANOLEAF 4D TV STARTER KIT OUT SPRING 2023 £TBC Take your movie nights to the next level with this nifty lighting kit, which mimics the colours on your TV screen. It basically produces the same effect as a Philips Ambilight TV, but at a fraction of the price. The kit works via a high-res camera that snaps onto the front of your TV to detect the onscreen colours, which are then fed to the light strip using the maker’s clever Sync+ technology. There are 50 light zones on the strip, capable of blasting out a rainbow of colours, and four different screen mirror modes to choose from. You can also sync up the kit to any existing Nanoleaf tiles you have, for a full-on light show. The light strip fits neatly onto your telly with snap-on brackets and will come in two different sizes: 55-65in and 65-85in. LG M3 OLED TV OUT SUMMER 2023 £TBC One of the most annoying things about home-cinema kit is all the damn cables. But thanks to the latest TVs from LG, the days of cluttering up the corner of your living room with wires could soon be gone. That’s because the new M3 4K OLED TV receives all of its content wirelessly from a separate wireless transmitter, dubbed the ‘Zero Connect Box’. The box, which can be handily tucked out of sight, can transmit 4K pictures to your TV, and you’ll be able to plug in your own sources, whether that’s a Blu-ray player or games console. With a 97in panel on display in Vegas, and 77in and 83in models incoming this year, it’ll be a few more months before we see a model that will actually fit into the average home. But a cable-lite set-up is certainly on the horizon. LIBBY PLUMMER
BABYLON ★★★★★ The music that drives Damien Chazelle’s Tinseltown epic is also a sizzling standalone listen. Chazelle regular Justin Hurwitz modernises ’20s sounds here, fuelling jazzband squalls with hot-wired rock ’n’ roll and repetitive beats. Over-repetitive? Perhaps, but ‘Voodoo Mama’ and ‘Coke Room’ are proper bangers. While vintage Hollywood nods mount elsewhere, Hurwitz’s imprint holds firm: from ‘Champagne’ to the wistful ‘Manny And Nellie’s Theme’, the gist is essentially La La Land’s wayward sister in druggy motion. AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER ★★★★★ From water to war, Simon Franglen navigates Pandora with glinting detail and symphonic scope. Even if the late James Horner’s original score soared more, Franglen leaps off from the family theme of ‘Leaving Home’ to stake out lush extremes, setting liquid electronics and rapturous chorales alongside deceptively complex, melodic action scoring. Highlights include the resonant ‘Payakan’ and the lovely ‘The Songcord’, while ‘From Darkness To Light’ adds subtle reflective notes: calm waters after the oceanic storms. Rocky waits for the rousing music to kick in before he starts pummelling Apollo. HOLLYWOOD RECORDS, MGM, PAR AMOUNT/INTERSCOPE Wild nights and off-world deep dives… groups of orchestra, brass and contemporary guitar to push Stallone higher, and he also needed vocals. Enter his wife, Shelby Conti, then working as a secretary, who corralled colleagues DeEtta West and Nelson Pigford to help Rocky scale those steps. Elsewhere, doo-wop street-corner song ‘Take You Back’ and the frosty ‘Philadelphia Morning’ establish setting. ‘First Date’ is a love theme, notable for its vulnerable hesitancy. ‘Alone In The Ring’ underscores Rocky’s pre-fight anxiety; ‘Marines’ Hymn/Yankee Doodle’ mirrors Apollo Creed’s cocksure confidence; and the heraldic ‘Fanfare For Rocky’ evokes gladiators entering the colosseum. Once they’re in, ‘Going The Distance’ and ‘The Final Bell’ balance tension with heartrush heroism, as Rock reaches round 15. Even the dog gets a bone: the ultra-cool ‘Butkus’ honours Sly’s cameoing bull mastiff. The underdog had his day – and it lasted. ‘Gonna Fly Now’ hit No.1 in the US and banked an Oscar nom. Conti’s cues threaded through the sequels and into the Creed films, where nostalgic snippets in Ludwig Göransson’s scores reiterated the original music’s ability to stir an audience. Conti enjoyed a glorious film/TV career afterwards, too, scoring for Bond and beyond via his Oscar-banking The Right Stuff. “It changed my life,” he says of Rocky. Now that’s going the distance. KEVIN HARLEY The way Bill Conti tells it, he had to go some rounds with producers over the score to Rocky. In a spotting session, Conti had opened the 1976 film with Rocky’s fanfare. The director, John G. Avildsen, approved. The producers? Not so much: “‘It really promises so much,’” is how Conti recalled their worries, as if he couldn’t fulfil that promise. Like Mr Balboa, Conti was an underdog up for the risk. Other composers had turned Rocky down, perhaps due to the measly $25,000 ‘package deal’ – studio, engineer, tape, expenses, everything – offered for the job. After his early Italian ghostwriting soundtrack gigs and the Art Carney-starring road-movie comedy Harry And Tonto (1974), Conti was eager for the work. He started with a piano version of Rocky’s theme, reflecting the bruised heart of Sylvester Stallone’s script. But Conti was also a fan of sword-and-sandal epics, brass, opera. He wrote themes of struggle, victory, romance, then moulded them to match the story’s extremes: its melancholia, fairytale grandeur and street-grit locale. The recording session lasted just three hours, though the 31-piece orchestra tells us that Conti wasn’t skimping. Foremost in the themes is ‘Gonna Fly Now’, which began as a short cue until Avildsen expanded Rocky’s training montage. Conti flexed muscle BILL CONTI EMI ROCKY CLASSIC SOUNDTRACK 104 | TOTAL FILM | FEBRUARY 2023 TALFILM.COM/SUBS
TOTALFILM.COM FEBRUARY 2023 | TOTAL FILM | 105 Ellie and Joel’s story of survival, recently adapted for TV, is widely considered to be one of gaming’s best. most other games, serving as a reward for surviving through tense stealth sequences, brutal shootouts and nerve-shredding pursuits. But it’s hard to escape the fact that our role in the story is limited to pushing the characters from A to B, joining the dots of a pre-written plot rather than having any meaningful say in how events play out. HBO’s The Last Of Us will almost certainly stand as one of the more successful videogame adaptations – albeit because it’s adapted from a linear story that borrows liberally from the storytelling language of TV and film, rather than taking advantage of the medium’s defining feature: interactivity. The most celebrated videogame stories of recent years have been Its tale of a smuggler transporting a teenage girl across the US – in the belief that she might hold the secret to a cure for the cordyceps virus that has turned humans into fungal zombies – is certainly powerful and affecting. That’s partly down to strong writing and firstrate acting from leads Ashley Johnson and Troy Baker, but also Naughty Dog’s bleeding-edge capture tech, which allows for more nuanced, human performances. And therein lies the rub: what separates The Last Of Us from so many of its peers has less to do with the parts you play as the parts you watch. That, of course, makes it particularly well-suited to adaptation for the cinema or, in this case, TV. But does it make for a truly great videogame story? Yes, the cinematics are unusually wellscripted and performed compared to Is the survival smash gaming’s greatest story? THE LAST OF US GAMES SONY/NAUGHTY DOG those that have experimented with narrative form and structure, and it’s no surprise that the majority of these have come from independent developers. The award-winning Disco Elysium allows you to shape the personality traits and even the ideologies of a troubled cop, turning a murder investigation into an existential struggle, while the likes of Roadwarden, Citizen Sleeper and Wayward Strand deliberately limit your time in their worlds (a bleak wilderness, a future dystopia and a 1970s nursing home respectively), forcing you to make tough choices about which quests to take on and which characters to spend time with. And while two of the games that showed up frequently on 2022’s Game Of The Year lists – Immortality and Elden Ring – could hardly be more different in theme and form, both present scattered, fragmented narratives that must be pieced together in the player’s head. Yes, there will always be a large audience for linear, spectacle-driven blockbusters such as The Last Of Us or God Of War Ragnarök. But it’s the titles that afford us an active role in determining how their stories play out that surely represent the future of videogame storytelling. CHRIS SCHILLING As creator and writer of the multi-award-winning Chernobyl (2019), it’s fair to say that Craig Mazin knows a bit about telling stories. And while the showrunner of HBO’s lavish adaptation of The Last Of Us (currently showing on Sky Atlantic and available to stream via NOW) was always likely to say as much, plenty would agree with his assertion that Naughty Dog’s 2013 post-apocalyptic survival adventure is gaming’s finest-ever narrative.
needed instant emotional clout and conceptual coherence, so that Cameron did not need to pause the action to justify anything the audience sees. And the sets needed to be practical: Cameron needed something to shoot on, after all. Contemplated on-page, the lived-in structural qualities of the suspended reef dwellings become clear. Scott’s clothing and jewellery possess tactile as well as decorative qualities, inspired by beachcombing in New Zealand. The RDA camps and airships, meanwhile, combine Cameron’s “go big or go home” philosophy with military tech, carefully plotted developments from Avatar, and narrative impact: the SeaDragon was the story’s Death Star, Bridgehead the ‘sky people’ showing off. “A sort of ‘Eff you, Eywa,’” jokes Procter. Along the way, Bennett unpicks the looks of characters, creatures and crab suits to show how Cameron drew on real-world logic for conviction. The detailing is ingenious and more: it has a meticulous integrity, nurtured to fruition lovingly. Not for nothing was Cole in tears when he saw the reef village designs in action, after half a decade of work. And if these insights leave you craving a return to Na’vi-land, more good news awaits, straight from the (water) horse’s mouth: “We’ve only begun,” Cole promises, “to explore Pandora.” KEVIN HARLEY Did your trips to Pandora leave the impression that you were (re)visiting a fully formed world? If so, that sense emerged by meticulously developed design, not chance. Taking a skimwing from reef-world to Bridgehead and beyond, TF writer Tara Bennett draws on insights from James Cameron and the film’s production designers to plot a “visual roadmap” – says foreword writer Robert Rodriguez – to Pandora’s realisation. And wherever the map goes, one point holds firm: “It’s not enough,” says production designer Ben Procter, “for something just to look cool.” As Bennett writes, pre-production began before scripts were ready, enabling writers and worldbuilders to engage in a fertile ideas exchange. Cameron gave instructions, some specific, some open to elaboration. For the oceanic arenas, he wanted reef-worlds, apex predators, a “benign dolphin-equivalent metaphor” and more: “I knew that I wanted there to be, essentially, a giant flying fish,” he says, fixing Piranha II’s flaws decades on. Whichever way the sea life soars, Bennett reels in the methods behind the magic. Procter and fellow production designer Dylan Cole’s ideas had to act as if they were “scientific fact”, says producer Jon Landau. Costume designer Deborah L. Scott’s work needed to splice form with function. The imagery COLOURS OF FILM: THE STORY OF CINEMA IN 50 PALETTES ★★★★★ After making the devastating claim that a movie’s original palette is forever lost over time through degradation and manipulation, film critic Charles Bramesco explores the importance of colour in cinema. With a keen focus on emotional and thematic value, he deep-dives into 50 films that “attempt to explore the full potential of colour”, ranging from The Wizard Of Oz’s glittery wonderland to the “filthy tones” of Se7en. Each entry’s forensic analysis is a tad verbose, but therein lie shrewd conceptual interpretations and expert technical insights. MATT LOOKER From wonderlands to ganglands… 2 MORE DK, FRANCES LINCOLN, SKY STUDIOS/GOL PRODUCTIONS ★★★★★ TARA BENNETT DK THE ART OF AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER BOOKS A GANGS OF LONDON STORY: GHOSTS ★★★★★ Free to read online (at gangsoflondongraphicnovel. com), this is a short, snappy prologue to the recent second season of Sky’s visceral gangland drama. It’s centred on ex-undercover cop Elliot, who’s holed up in a hotel room and haunted by the faces of those he’s killed now that he’s a hitman for powerful group The Investors. Ferenc Nothof’s evocative illustrations recall the show’s rich visuals, while writer Rowan Athale elegantly captures Elliot’s tortured inner monologue. More a snapshot than anything, but let’s hope it opens the door to more substantial Gangs spin-offs. JAMES MOTTRAM 106 | TOTAL FILM | FEBRUARY 2023 TALFILM.COM/SUBS
CINEMA CELEBRATED AND DEBATED. BOOSTING YOUR MOVIE GENIUS TO SUPERHERO LEVELS…
AL AMY, DISNEY, SONY, UNIVERSAL IS IT BOLLOCKS? Film Buff investigates the facts behind outlandish movie plots. 01 THE MUMMY RETURNS 2001 ........................................................... $443.3M 02 THE MUMMY 1999 ......................................................................................$415.9M 03 THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR 2008 ................................$403.4M 04 G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA 2009 .............................................$302.5M 05 JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 2008 .............. $244.2M 06 GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE 1997 ...........................................................$174.5M 07 THE NUT JOB 2014 .....................................................................................$120.9M 08 CRASH 2004 .....................................................................................................$98.4M 09 BEDAZZLED 2000 ....................................................................................... $90.4M 10 ESCAPE FROM PLANET EARTH 2012 ............................................. $74.9M This is an old story I am familiar with. There are some really interesting old wives’ tales about rats and amazing stories from the old rat-catchers! What is definitely true is that rats will eat other rats that have died, particularly if there is nothing else to eat, so if you were to set up something like the ‘oil drum’ described in the story, the rats captured would likely consume the flesh of those which subsequently die due to the lack of food or water. They may well fight and some die from injuries and then the survivors consume the flesh of those that died. The subsequent step that you then release the last rats into the wild and they will preferentially hunt down and consume other rats is not based on any evidence as far as I know. You certainly would not change their genetics and so are unlikely to create a cannibalistic line of rats, but there may be some behavioural changes that the experience has generated. Overall, I suspect the story is not quite true but has developed from people observing rats when they are at very high levels, which can occur when an unnatural food source allows the population to expand rapidly. Once the population exceeds available resources, the rat population is not sustainable, and they will start to die. The survivors will consume the flesh of those that have died because it is available when other options are limited. They may well also become predatory on the weak or injured if there are no other food options. Once the population has declined to a sustainable level, I suspect they will go back to normal behaviour. Want us to investigate if a movie scenario is bollocks or snapped yourself at a film location? Contact us at [email protected] VERDICT BOLLOCKS ALTERNATIVE BOX OFFICE The biggest movies… STARRING BRENDAN FRASER THIS MONTH SKYFALL Q In Skyfall, Silva tells Bond a story of rats trapped in a barrel who turn cannibal and then can be released into the wild as rat population control. True? Or rat’s entertainment? A Dr Emma Robinson, FBPhS Professor of Psychopharmacology, University of Bristol ON LOCATION REEL SPOTS BEHIND THE CAMERA WHAT? Chitty Chitty Bang Bang flies over Baron Bomburst’s fairytale castle, incensing the petulant ruler who wants his own flying car. It’s also the castle that was Disney’s inspo for the magical kingdom pile at the heart of Disneyland. WHERE? Neuschwanstein Castle, Bavaria, Germany GO? Built by King Ludwig II in the 19th century with the hope of getting away from his subjects, the structure is visited by 1.3 million people a year. Ludvig and Bomburst would not approve. 108 | TOTAL FILM | FEBRUARY 2023 TALFILM.COM/SUBS
TOTALFILM.COM FEBRUARY 2023 | TOTAL FILM | 109 Did we miss something? Let us know on @totalfilm FORREST GUMP Unintentional trendsetter Gump (Tom Hanks) starts running “for no particular reason” and ends up crossing the States from ocean to ocean (and back) over three years, inspiring crowds who take meaning from his marathoning. Stupid is as stupid does. GET OUT If you’re feeling awkward and a bit discombobulated at your girlfriend’s parents’ house, you might want to step out for air. What you don’t want is a man dashing maniacally out of the darkness towards you before veering to the right at the last second. Unsettling. MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE(S) King of on-screen running has to be Tom Cruise, his pistoning arms and all-a-blur legs charging him urgently through the franchise – along streets and over rooftops. Mission 6 was particularly impressive with a sprint over Blackfriars Bridge. Mind the gap. 1917 Lance Corporal Schofield (George MacKay) has had it with war by the time he hits the front with an important message. Climbing out of the trenches, he races towards his target, explosions and infantrymen toppling him as he goes. Gusty, and done in one take. JANE CROWTHER RUN LOLA RUN Does what it says on the tin as redhead Lola (Franka Potente) legs it all over Berlin through three different timelines in pursuit of 100,000 DM to rescue her boyfriend from being killed by a drug dealer. What a difference tripping over a dog makes… CHARIOTS OF FIRE Oh look, posh chaps belting around Cambridge quads before clocks strike 12, yomping along the beaches, appreciating Gilbert and Sullivan, and entering the 1924 Olympics to change opinions to Vangelis’ chiming, emotive soundtrack. Bally good show. LICORICE PIZZA Unlikely pair Alana (Alana Haim) and Gary (Cooper Hoffman) run away and to each other over a summer in 1973, but the relationship (whatever it is) is cemented when they run alongside each other – no destination, giddy and out of breath – into their future. PTA perfection. TRAINSPOTTING Danny Boyle’s zeitgeist pulsequickener is fast-paced straight out the gate, opening with shoplifting heroin addicts pegging it down Princes Street pursued by security guards. Renton (Ewan McGregor) is only mildly slowed by a car. ‘Lust For Life’ indeed. ROCKY Rocky Balboa (Sly Stallone) may be a scrappy Philly contender without a fancy gym but that doesn’t stop him completing a champion training montage – bolting through the city to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. His iconic run up the steps is a work of art itself. T H E W O R S T P E R S O N IN THE WORLD Julie (Renate Reinsve) freezes time on her relationship in order to fantasise about running across Oslo to see an alternative lover. As she jogs, extras stand statue-still – local residents joined in on subsequent takes, having seen filming. 2 4 6 8 1 0 1 3 5 7 9 Great gallops… RUNS IN MOVIES 10 OF THE BEST
FLOP CULTURE GETT Y, PAR AMOUNT Ang Lee and Will Smith’s high-concept actioner was a box-office disaster in 2019. Did HFR map out a route to doom? Why it was a good idea (on paper) In 2019, Gemini Man promised to bust blocks and break ground. Between a star de-aged for doubled-up action duty and a daring director, a re-Fresh’d Prince and high-frame-rate fireworks, Ang Lee and Will Smith (x2) were set to make a killing. What went wrong? The tale of an ageing assassin facing his younger self, Gemini Man was developed for 22 years, waiting for tech to catch up. The innovations Lee incorporated involved de-aging and a 120fps frame rate, exciting propositions from the Life Of Pi dazzler. The idea of two Smiths clashing promised ‘meta’ fun, too. But Lee had misfired with HFR/3D on Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, and Peter Jackson’s Hobbit trilogy hadn’t fully affirmed HFR’s virtues. Smith was no banker, either. Post-2000s, he struggled in an era more invested in brands than above-the-title stars. When Gemini Man met with grim reviews, there was little to entice wary viewers, beyond divisive 120fps images that not every theatre could offer anyway. And with the witless dialogue set to ‘deadening’, the results weren’t even fun. At the box office, the zeitgeist-y but more retro-styled Joker laughed last. Redeeming feature For the rooftop ruckuses, the digital deepfakery dazzles, fitfully. In the quieter scenes, it just looks phony. What happened next? Lee has yet to direct another film, with Thrilla In Manila seemingly stood stiller than ever. Slappy slip-ups aside, Smith fared better on less gimmicky fronts: Bad Boys For Life, King Richard. As for the effects, Avatar: The Way Of Water and the MCU have proved HFR and deaging can work, given the right contexts. And stories strong enough to keep them afloat. Should it be remade? “Copy that,” says Smith’s Brogan. Or don’t. If the writers, Smith and Lee couldn’t nail Gemini after a 22-year development, there’s no need for double duty here. KEVIN HARLEY GEMINI MAN BUDGET $138m $173.5m ★★ ★★ ★ 26% B OX O F F I C E AWA R D S R OT T E N TO M ATO E S T F STA R R AT I N G 1 PLAIN TALKING THIS MONTH END BOARD The clapperboard (held upside down) used at the end of a shot HENRY CAVILL SUPERMAN October 2022 “I wanted to make it official, I am back as Superman… What you saw in Black Adam is just a very small taste of things to come.” December 2022 “I will, after all, not be returning as Superman…” HINDSIGHT CORNER TALFILM.COM/SUBS
TOTALFILM.COM FEBRUARY 2023 | TOTAL FILM | 111 IS IT JUST ME OR SHOULD MOVIE CHARACTERS NOT BE USED IN ADS? As much as Buddy the Elf loves Christmas, there’s surely no way he’d choose to spend it surrounded by stressed-out shoppers in a British supermarket. If you believed Asda’s recent big-budget festive ad, however, working in the UK retail sector was all he ever wanted. While I can’t help but admire the CG wizardry that inserted 2003-vintage Will Ferrell into a modern-day Asda, the sight of a fictional character promoting an actual brand makes me feel uneasy. Filmmakers go to colossal efforts to ensure we suspend our disbelief, so to see Buddy moonlighting in the real world feels like a cynical assault on the magic of cinema. Of course, Buddy isn’t alone in ‘accepting’ the corporate dollar. Despite living in a galaxy far, far away, C-3PO and R2-D2 have critiqued the latest Volkswagen. Meanwhile, when King Valkyrie was supposed to be fighting Gorr the God Butcher she got herself mixed up with Direct Line insurance. It’s still not clear how that diversion fits in with the wider MCU continuity. Or take Rocky Balboa’s famous run through Philadelphia, which has now been gatecrashed by a legion of random sports people, as the Italian Stallion effectively endorses Ladbrokes, a British bookmaker he’s presumably never heard of. We’re not sure Mickey would approve… Even before you dive into the ethical issues surrounding gambling ads, this is troublesome terrain for a movie character. If a star wants to accept hefty wads of cash to endorse a fragrance or a coffee-maker that’s their lookout. But fictional characters have no such agency – instead, their legacy is entirely in the hands of rights holders. So when big business comes calling, these custodians have to ask themselves a question: is a short-term injection of cash more important than the ongoing integrity of a hero or villain beloved by millions? Setting up Buddy with a workexperience placement at Asda may feel like a harmless piece of brand extension, but as soon as a character turns up to promote a car, a supermarket or insurance, a little piece of what made them special dies. Or is it just me? Share your reaction at gamesradar.com/ totalfilm or on Facebook and Twitter. IT’S JUST YOU IT’S NOT JUST YOU LAST TIMESHOULD PATRICK SWAYZE HAVE BEEN A MEGASTAR? JAMES BIMSON He was too cool to be bothered with being a megastar. GOLDIE SINGH He was a ROCK STAR. PHIL RAMONE He was like the wind! ROB HALL Have I missed something? He was massive in the UK. VAN DAVIS Is your writer too young to know Swayze was one of the BIGGEST megastars? ROGÉRIO BARBOSA He was almost cast in Predator 2. OFFICE-OMETER THE TF STAFF VERDICT IS IN! IS IT JUST ME? AL AMY, ASDA Well, aisle be damned... Will Ferrell’s Buddy goes moonlighting in Asda’s recent ad campaign. RICH EDWARDS @RICHDEDWARDS
HILTS’ BIKE JUMP THE GREAT ESCAPE T H E B I G SHOT Steve McQueen’s ‘Cooler King’ makes a last bid for freedom in John Sturges’ 1963 WWII POW drama, The Great Escape – and boy, did his attempt live up to the title. Trapped on the German border, astride a stolen German motorbike, American pilot Virgil Hilts defies incoming Nazis by revving his engine, racing for the barbed-wire fences and hoping for a leap to freedom. Standing in the saddle and pushing the bike down a grassy hollow, the action man guns his ride over the first fence in a breathtaking stunt jump that many believed McQueen, an accomplished biker IRL, had achieved himself. Though McQueen had performed all of his other stunts in the movie (including playing both himself and the pursuing Nazis during the preceding chase sequence) and conceived this iconic sequence – telling Sturges that Hilts’ jump (rather than a planned train escape) would “put more juice” into the narrative – he didn’t make the bike jump personally. In an interview some years later, he recalled that he was a competent rider at the time of filming but he didn’t feel he had the ‘savvy’ for the stunt, though he was certain he could have achieved it later in his career, when his stunt skills were better honed. Instead, the jump (12 feet high in take off, but landing 65ft below) was handed to his trusty stuntman, Bud Ekins, who also doubled for him during the chase sequence in Bullitt and was one of Tarantino’s inspirations for Brad Pitt’s stuntman character in Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood. Ekins agreed to try the stunt using a modified TT Special 650 Triumph rather than the bike Hilts would have been riding at that time and in that location, a side-valve Wehrmacht BMW. “We had four bikes for this film. I was running a TT Special 650 Triumph,” McQueen told press during the 1963 promotional tour. “We painted it olive drab and put on a luggage rack and an old seat to make it look like a wartime BMW. We couldn’t use a real BMW, not at the speeds we were running, since those old babies were rigid-frame jobs, and couldn’t take the punishment.” Ekins and Tim Gibbes (an Australian motocross champion) designed the stunt by using a fence a few feet high and digging out a 10-foot ramp. When Ekins cleared that, they raised the fence to eight feet and lowered the ramp. In third gear at 50mph, Ekins made the jump. “Then I hit the ramp at 60mph in fourth and jumped 12 feet high and 65 feet down,” he recalled. “Then I said to Sturges: ‘Okay, let’s do it!’” “When I took off, I throttled right back and it was silent,” Ekins remembers of the singletake moment. “You know, everything was just silent – the whole crew and everything was just silent. And then when I landed they cheered like crazy. They did just one take and afterwards the assistant director came to me and said, ‘Well, that’s a $1,000 jump if I ever saw one.’ I knew nothing about negotiating fees so I said, ‘Okay,’ and that was that. Two days’ work, one jump, and we were finished.” Though the jump immortalised on celluloid is Ekins, McQueen did make the leap after Sturges called ‘cut’. According to co-star John Leyton, the daredevil lead, along with castmates James Coburn and Charles Bronson, then had a crack at the stunt using Ekins’ launch ramp. They all made it. JANE CROWTHER ALAMY 112 | TOTAL FILM | FEBRUARY 2023
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Saluting the behind-the-scenes talent making movie magic. GIVING CREDIT George Timms completed an MA in literature but knew what she really wanted to do was talk about films without going down the route of journalism or academia. While she was working as a manager at a cinema, a friend described the interview of a BBFC compliance officer and, she says, “I could feel lights switching on in my brain.” After “circling the BBFC website like a shark” for a role, Timms joined the BBFC in 2016. How would you describe your role in simple terms? I watch films, TV episodes and other content and assign each one an age rating, usually alongside ratings info containing a summary of the main classification issues. I also write a more detailed description of the issues for our website, to help viewers choose whether the material is right for themselves and their families. The guidelines by which we choose the ratings are decided through regular consultation with people from across the UK to ensure that we stay in step with their views. We also occasionally perform other tasks like delivering education seminars, or writing case studies for the website. What’s the biggest misconception people have about your job? I think sometimes people imagine us GEORGE TIMMS BBFC COMPLIANCE OFFICER ‘A normal day’s viewing can encompass anything from Peppa Pig to I Spit On Your Grave’’ as killjoys who spend all day tutting at the screen. In reality we’re hugely passionate about film, and we do this work because we honestly believe it enhances the movie-going experience, especially for parents and families. No one would sign up to watch this many films if they didn’t love cinema. What would you say is the best thing about your job? I get to work with a group of very clever, funny, passionate people who know an astonishing amount about films and TV, and I get to hammer out tricky scenes with them down to the smallest details and be reasonably confident that I’m not boring them to tears. And the worst thing? Inevitably, some of the material we watch is distressing. You soon figure out how to place some emotional distance between yourself and what’s happening on the screen, but that’s not foolproof. Every now and then I see something that’s really tough to shake off, usually documentaries or content containing graphic depictions of abuse. But I never want to become completely desensitised, and I don’t think I’d be any good at my job if I was. What’s the most memorable or challenging project you’ve worked on for the BBFC? I’ve always had a high tolerance for gore, but I reckon most people have that one thing that makes them squirm - quite often something to do with eyeballs or fingernails. Mine’s a bit niche (and very disgusting, so I won’t go into details) so I didn’t discover it until it took me by surprise during a solo viewing of a grisly horror film. I kept involuntarily shutting my eyes, which meant I had to rewind that bit and watch it again to catch what I’d missed. It’s the only time I’ve ever reacted like that, which is just as well because it took ages. B E H I N D T H E SCENES What do you need to do your job? We sit through hours of content every day, taking detailed notes, and a normal day’s viewing can encompass anything from Peppa Pig to I Spit On Your Grave, so you need a heavy-duty concentration span, thorough attention to detail, and a strong stomach. I think empathy is important, too, since we spend a great deal of time considering what different audiences might want to know when choosing something to watch, including potential triggers. If someone wants to be a compliance officer what should they do? There’s no one path to becoming a BBFC Compliance Officer. We come from a variety of different career backgrounds, including law, education, journalism, the charity sector and the film and TV industry. You need to be able to demonstrate strong communication skills and a broad knowledge of film, and it helps to have experience in relevant areas like media regulation and child development. JANE CROWTHER BEHIND THE SCENES BBFC George’s role involves assigning age ratings… to films, not just tea mugs. The work of the BBFC helps viewers determine what content to see. T W I T T E R @BBFC I N STAG R A M @ B B FC _ AG E R AT I N G S FACEBOOK @ B R I T I S H B O A R D F I L M O FC L AS S I F I CAT I O N 114 | TOTAL FILM | FEBRUARY 2023 TALFILM.COM/SUBS
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I N STA N T E X P E RT T R A I N I N G D AYS Born in 1954, Jackie Chan (birth name: Chan Kong-sang) was enrolled in the China Drama Academy at the age of five. There he spent 10 years undergoing gruelling (some might say abusive) physical training in acrobatics, martial arts, dance and other skills. While performing in the school’s Seven Little Fortunes troupe, Chan befriended fellow students/future co-stars Sammo Hung and Yuen Biao (see Wheels On Meals et al); together they became known as the ‘Three Dragons’. FALL GUY The Jackie Chan Stunt Team – founded in the 1970s – came into their own during the making of 1983 Asian box-office smash Project A. The film saw silent-comedy fan Chan directly homage Harold Lloyd’s Safety Last! (1923) with a spectacular stunt where he first hangs, then falls, from a clock tower. It would be the first in a series of ever more elaborate, death-defying stunts that quickly became Chan’s cinematic stock in trade. SLAPSTICK SHIFT Having worked as a stuntman and extra in his late teens, Chan was promoted as a potential successor to Bruce Lee. However, the traditional kung-fu dramas he was cast in didn’t suit Chan’s personality and audiences steered clear. His big break finally came in 1978 with the double whammy of Snake In The Eagle’s Shadow and Drunken Master, whose slapstick brawls proved a better fit for Chan’s talents. H O L LY W O O D H E I G H T S Despite his success at home, Chan struggled to crack America, with films such as Battle Creek Brawl (1980), The Cannonball Run (1981) and The Protector (1985) failing to really showcase his abilities. Only when Hong Kong actioner Rumble In The Bronx (1995) proved a surprise boxoffice success did mainstream American audiences take notice. A run of Hollywood hits followed, including Rush Hour (1998) and Shanghai Noon (2000). ALBUM RUSH “I am not young any more… I don’t want to break my ankle or arm again,” Chan announced in 2013. Not that age has slowed him down that much; he’s clocked up more than 140 film appearances to date, and still does his own (admittedly less extreme) stunts wherever possible. Incredibly, he’s also found time to put another Drama Academy talent to use, becoming a prolific singer with multiple albums (and movie theme tunes) to his name. ANTON VAN BEEK Stunt master… JACKIE CHAN 88 FILMS, AL AMY, EUREK A, ROCK RECORDS, SPYGL ASS, WARNER BROS DRUNKEN MASTER 1978 ★★★★★ Director Yuen Woo-ping and Chan redefined the kung fu genre with this landmark fusion of balletic martial arts and slapstick comedy. POLICE STORY 1985 ★★★★★ Not only a stunt-tastic, franchisespawning (eight films and counting) action classic, but one Chan has declared his own best movie. ARMOUR OF GOD 1986 ★★★★★ A fun Indiana Jones-style adventure… albeit destined to be forever remembered as the film that almost killed Chan when a stunt went wrong. RUSH HOUR 1998 ★★★★★ Teaming with Chris Tucker for some buddy-com kicks, Chan scored his first bona fide Hollywood blockbuster. Rumours of a four-quel persist… KEY MOVIES TOTALFILM.COM FEBRUARY 2023 | TOTAL FILM | 117
118 | TOTAL FILM | FEBRUARY 2023 TALFILM.COM/SUBS BUFF THE TF BRAIN 20TH CENTURY STUDIOS, DISNEY, DREAMWORKS, PAR AMOUNT, SONY, STUDIOCANAL, WARNER WHICH BADASS CAT ARE YOU? ARE YOU FROM OUTER SPACE, OR THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL? DO YOU BUCKLE SWASH OR PLOT AGAINST DOGS? FIND OUT BELOW! YES N O N I C E K I T T Y O R N O T- N I C E K I T T Y ? M E T A N Y E .T. s ? F L E R K E N H E L L ! FA M I L I A R W I T H S PA C E T R AV E L? A R E Y O U A N ANTI-CA N I N E M A S T E R M I N D O R A L L- R O U N D W R E C K I N G MACHINE? D O E S Y O U R N A M E E V O K E LEGENDS? A S I N FA I R Y TA L E S , EPIC LIT OR SHOOT YSHOOTY CINEMA? YO U A R E JONES(Y) ALIEN YO U A R E MR. TINKLES CATS & D O G S YO U A R E BOB A S T R E E T C AT NAMED BOB YO U A R E PUSS IN BOOTS SHREK YO U A R E ULYSSES I N S I D E L L E W Y N D AV I S START PURRRR Y E A H , O N E HISSSS BIG-A S S XENO-DORK EPIC LIT SMELLIER FA I RY TA L E S B A N G ! RELO A D ! BANG! D U D E , I AM ONE N O , I ’ M CALLED BOB YES YO U A R E CHURCH P E T S E M ATA RY MASTERMIND LARGER L A R G E R T H A N L I F E O R S M E L L I E R T H A N D E AT H ? DAMN RIGHT PA R D O N Y O U ! MACHINE YO U A R E GOOSE CA P TA I N M A RV E L YO U A R E MEOWTHRA T H E L E G O NINJAGO MOVIE YO U A R E JAKE T H E C AT F R O M OUTER SPACE YO U A R E KEANU KEANU
TOTALFILM.COM FEBRUARY 2023 | TOTAL FILM | 119 NAME THE FRAME THE TF BRAIN 1 3 5 7 2 4 6 8 Can you guess these eight candlelight scenes? CARRIE 8. SIXTEEN CANDLES 7. BAR RY LYN D O N 6. ROMEO + JULIET 5. THE INNOCENTS 4. THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN 3. BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA 2. AMADEUS : 1. ANSWERS
120 | TOTAL FILM | FEBRUARY 2023 TALFILM.COM/SUBS ★STAR LET TER As much as I enjoyed your Review Of The Year supplement [TF332], I was shocked to see that, though you rightly mention the hilarious Blackbird as a turkey of the year, you didn’t mention its fantastic namesake starring Taron Egerton and the mesmerising Paul Walter Hauser as one of the top TV shows of 2022. Yet your list included the very hit-and-miss Obi-Wan Kenobi and the disappointing Cabinet Of Curiosities. As an aside, can anyone think of other films and/or TV shows that have the same title but are polar opposites in quality? For example, The Avengers (1998) and The Avengers (2012), or Crossroads (1986), Crossroads (2002) and Crossroads (1964-88). MARK HUNTER, BLAYDON ON TYNE Ah, the same-butdifferent game, which always throws up some fascinating questions: what if Alfred Hitchcock had, in fact, directed a biopic of celebrated rapper The Notorious B.I.G.? Has any babysitter unwittingly sat the kids down in front of Frozen (2010), where the wolves don’t just chase the heroes, they kill them and scarf the squishy remains? Please share any similarly jaunty stories. Mark and everyone with a letter printed here will receive a copy of Living, which is in cinemas now and coming soon to home ent via Lionsgate Home Entertainment. Didn’t send an address? Email it! Or you’ll have Nighy-mares! GROAN WARS I totally agree with Michael [Dialogue, TF332] about Phase 4. Marvel needs to stop. At my cinema during the trailers there’s always an audible groan whenever the Marvel logo appears. They should have stopped after Avengers: Endgame (by the way, when I rewatched that film I had no idea what was going on, because this time around I hadn’t watched the first 20-odd films beforehand). Please stop. CHRIS BROOKES, VIA EMAIL ‘Endgame’ was something of a misnomer, it’s true. Mind you, Avengers: Stopgap doesn’t have quite the same ring. Have to say we haven’t noticed any groaners at our local thus far, although the ads are usually cranked so loud they could probably drown out the sound of Black Bolt having a sneezing fit. LIP SHOCK I can’t take it any more… When people kiss on screen they obviously lean to one Mail, rants, theories etc. side, because that’s how folks do that and also so that the camera can see them. The part that grinds my gears is that when they flip round to show the other participant, their heads have miraculously switched sides in nanoseconds! Such a needless thing to fret about, but honestly, it makes my teeth itch. Anyone else? I crave validation! PETE RENDER, YORK Pete, when it comes to movie matters, there’s no such thing as a needless fret. Yes, we have noticed continuity slips in that kind of set-up (the technical term is snog/reverse snog). Used to irk us, but now we just turn a closed eye. What does get us in a lather is when a depleted H AV E YOUR SAY T O TA L F I L M . C O M V I D E O S • R E V I E W S • TRAILERS • NEWS totalfilm.com twitter.com/totalfilm facebook.com totalfilm [email protected] @SolipsismCrisis [on James Cameron encouraging cinemagoing] “I’ll go back when the twats who make so much noise when they eat it sounds like they’re unwrapping Christmas presents stay home.” An exclusive chat with director Mary McCartney; our round-up of this year’s Sundance Film Festival; cat love, iffy Scarface impersonations, fiddly movie titles… plus reviews and more – every week! WHAT YOU MISSED ON THE POD LAST MONTH A distinct lack of Hulk action in this Avengers… LIONSGATE, CLAIRE BIRCH, WARNER BROS REFLECTIVE INTEREST CURVE™ THRILLED ENTERTAINED FLIPPIN’ ECK! BAD TIMES RUNNING TIME WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 3 DEADLINE What we got for Xmas: parking fines To LA and back! In the time it takes to say ‘to LA and back’! Farewell, GR+ entertainment ed Jack Asking Smyths Shepherd Toys when they’re getting M3GAN in
GROUP EDITOR-IN-CHIEF JANE CROWTHER [email protected] @totalfilm_jane DEPUTY EDITOR MATT MAYTUM [email protected] @mattmaytum REVIEWS EDITOR MATTHEW LEYLAND [email protected] @totalfilm_mattl NEWS EDITOR JORDAN FARLEY [email protected] @jordanfarley ART EDITOR MIKE BRENNAN [email protected] @mike_brennan01 FILM GROUP Editor (SFX) Darren Scott Art Editor Jonathan Coates Deputy Editor Ian Berriman Production Editor Ed Ricketts CONTRIBUTORS Editor-at-Large Jamie Graham Art studio Catherine Kirkpatrick Prepress and cover manipulation Gary Stuckey Hollywood Correspondent Adam Tanswell Contributing Editors Kevin Harley, Leila Latif, James Mottram, Neil Smith, Paul Bradshaw Contributors Tom Dawson, Joel Harley, Matt Looker, Ken McIntyre, Libby Plummer, Rafa Sales Ross, Chris Schilling, Josh Slater-Williams, Kate Stables, Anton van Beek Senior Entertainment Editor, Gamesradar+ Jack Shepherd – [email protected] Senior Entertainment Writer, Gamesradar+ Bradley Russell Senior Entertainment Writer, Gamesradar+ Lauren Milici Entertainment Writer, Gamesradar+ Molly Edwards Photography Alamy, August, Getty, Shutterstock Thanks to Nick Chen, Rhian Drinkwater, Laura Eddy, Ian Farrington, Heather Seabrook, Matt Yates (Production) Cover image Courtesy of Lionsgate ADVERTISING Media packs are available on request. Please contact Chris Mitchell. Commercial Director Clare Dove [email protected] Advertising Manager Chris Mitchell [email protected] Account Manager, Gaming & Film Nick Hayes [email protected] INTERNATIONAL LICENSING Total Film is available for licensing and syndication. To find out more contact us at licensing@ futurenet.com or view our available content at www.futurecontenthub.com Head of Print Licensing Rachel Shaw SUBSCRIPTIONS UK orders and enquiries 0844 848 2852; overseas orders & enquiries +44 (0)1604 251 045 Online enquiries www.magazinesdirect.co.uk [email protected] Total Film, (ISSN 1366-3135 USPS 23870), is published monthly with an extra issue in April by Future Publishing, Quay House, The Ambury, Bath, BA1 1UA, UK. The US annual subscription price is $168.87. Airfreight and mailing in the USA by agent named World Container Inc., co BBT 150-15 183rd St, Jamaica, NY 11413, USA. Periodicals Postage Paid at Brooklyn Brooklyn NY 11256. 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ISSN Total Film 1366-3135 We encourage you to recycle this magazine, either through your household recyclable waste collection service or at a recycling site. We are committed to only using magazine paper which is derived from responsibly managed, certified forestry and chlorine-free manufacture. The paper in this magazine was sourced and produced from sustainable managed forests, conforming to strict environmental and socioeconomic standards. Future plc is a public company quoted on the London Stock Exchange (symbol: FUTR) www.futureplc.com Chief Executive Zillah Byng-Thorne Non-executive Chairman Richard Huntingford Chief Financial fˡcer Penny Ladkin-Brand Tel +44 (0)1225 442 244 27,156 (Jan-Dec 2021) 18,483 Print 8,673 Digital TOTALFILM.COM “I don’t want to watch [DIRECTOR’S NAME REDACTED]’s good films, let alone his bad ones.” * “Even if I really wanted to, right now, I just don’t think I could poo myself.” CHATTER ‘GEMS’ OVERHEARD IN THE TOTAL FILM OFFICE THIS MONTH… YOU CAN ALSO WRITE TO Total Film, 121-141 Westbourne Terrace, London, W2 6JR (postal addresses will be used for the sole purpose of sending out prizes) fruit bowl miraculously re-fills between shots on EastEnders. CARD SHARP As a long-time reader of your excellent magazine I wanted to thank you for being brilliant over the years. I remain loyal, even despite some questionable reviews (Glass Onion - four stars, really?). Also, I get to chop up the mags at the end of the year and create my handmade Christmas cards. The gift that keeps on giving. Keep up the good work. CLAIRE BIRCH, LONDON Same to you, Claire - congrats on making Christmas movies out of John Wick and The Banshees Of Inisherin (mind you, the latter does have donkeys and big beardy men, so perhaps not a huge leap). Any other recycling initiatives? Feel free to paper the loo with us (but don’t use us as loo paper; all that cutting-edge journalism might do you a mischief). ROTOR SPORT I recently found a chap on Twitter who catalogues exploding helicopters in films. Genius! Got me thinking what else you could catalogue… wouldn’t have to be exploding things. How about flipping cars? Pipe smokers? Films where people squirt hot-dog-stand ketchup in their faces? The possibilities are endless, but I think the helicopter dude has already won it! KAY BOOM, HAMPSHIRE We feel the need to see that feed… The ‘flipping cars’ one would be quite an undertaking. Even if you limited yourself to scenes where a leading Fast & Furious character walks away from a somersaulting sports vehicle with nary a stain on their action vest, you’d be cataloguing till doomsday. Or Dom-sday, if you will. NIGHT TO REMEMBER After reading your review of Violent Night in issue 332, I have to heartily disagree with the two-star rating. It’s no Christmas classic, but it is one of the most entertaining festive films of the past few years. Not only is it funny, it’s also quite heartfelt. It feels in the same vein as the equally bonkers Ready Or Not, especially in terms of the parodic family, who got the most chuckles out of me and my boyfriend, simply for their ridiculous lines. And of course, David Harbour brought something new to Santa, with his energy and interesting past. SHARNA YOUNG, COVENTRY Sorry we didn’t see eye to eye on that one, Sharna, though we’re on the same page re: Harbour. Would be up for seeing him put a badass spin on other holiday icons: a Valentine’s Cupid packing Rambo arrows; a Thanksgiving turkey carving up bad guys; an Easter Bunny with a basket full of cold-eyed vengeance… OFFICE SPACED @XanderWright3 [on the Alien TV show moving forward] “Ripley was asleep for less time than this is taking.” Do your bit for the planet by creatively recycling your TF back issues.
122 | TOTAL FILM | FEBRUARY 2023 TALFILM.COM/SUBS FADE IN: EXT: TEEMING SPACE FOREST The 3D world of Pandora looks incredible. Ten minutes later, everyone’s eyes adjust and they are left with the actual plot to follow. Human-turned-Na’vi SAM WORTHINGTON starts blowing stuff up. SAM WORTHINGTON I’m so glad I learned my lesson in the last film about the importance of peace and nature, so I can now focus on shooting up the bad guys with this massive machine gun. ZOE SALDAÑA But it’s not a good example for our endless kids, who run the gamut from feral human man-child JACK CHAMPION to the immaculate conception we adopted from Sigourney Weaver’s comatose avatar. INT: LAB STEPHEN LANG wakes up from being dead. He has been uploaded into a conveniently spare avatar. He immediately kidnaps JACK CHAMPION, who is somehow his son. SAM WORTHINGTON It’s too dangerous for us to stay in our home with hundreds of tribespeople who will do anything to protect us. Let’s run away to the open sea. EXT: ISLAND They go and stay with a sea-based clan and spend a long time learning their ways, basically repeating the first film. Soon BRITAIN DALTON is attacked by a big fish, but is saved by a bigger fish. BIGGER FISH You’re welcome! BRITAIN DALTON You can speak? Wow, are we sure this isn’t a bit too silly for this movie? More of the fish pay a visit to the village and tell cute baby stories. It’s weird. Meanwhile, STEPHEN LANG burns down an entire village because he is very much a bad guy. JACK CHAMPION You’re a horrible person! But also, I’m secretly appreciating all this father-son time. I wonder what we’ll do next! EXT: SMALL BOAT STEPHEN LANG commandeers a boat from poachers and pitilessly harpoons all the big, friendly, talking fish. POACHER Hold on, let me drill into this creature’s brain to drain out a substance that stops people from ageing. Seems important, doesn’t it? Let’s never mention it again. EXT: SEA SAM WORTHINGTON warns the sea clan that the bad guys are coming and tells them to run away, which is exactly what he did in the first film. HIGH PRIESTESS WINSLET We’re staying where we are and fighting! This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. That was literally your entire character arc in the last movie. Some of SAM WORTHINGTON’s kids get captured, but they get rescued by the other kids, who get caught in the process. They then get rescued by the first kids, who get captured again. ZOE SALDAÑA So now we’re just basically repeating every scene? The big fish attack the bad guys while the kids continue rescuing each other. Eventually STEPHEN LANG kills eldest son JAMIE FLATTERS. SAM WORTHINGTON goes to fight him on a big boat. SAM WORTHINGTON Come on, then, Lang-atar! Let’s fight to the death. Again. STEPHEN LANG Have you ever thought that we might get on better if we just connected our telepathic hair plaits? Or is that a sex thing? Hold on a second, if it’s a sex thing, why does everyone do it with their dragons and horses? SAM WORTHINGTON kills STEPHEN LANG. The big boat slowly capsizes and everyone nearly drowns, as James Cameron basically shamelessly repeats sequences from his old films. SAM WORTHINGTON It’s like staring into a titanic alien abyss… They survive, thanks to SIGOURNEY TEENAGER tapping into an ocean-based variant of the Force. ZOE SALDAÑA It’s a good thing this big fish fin has enough space on it for five people to stay afloat… EXT: ISLAND As SAM WORTHINGTON and his family return to the sea clan and decide to stay there, JACK CHAMPION rescues STEPHEN LANG, who is somehow still alive. STEPHEN LANG A-ha! I will have my revenge in Avatar 3! And also in Avatar 4 and Avatar 5! Which presumably means they’ll all basically be a repeat of this film. FIN NEXT ISSUE: M3GAN TF SAVES YOU THE COST OF A MOVIE EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER… 60 SECOND SCREENPLAY NEXT ISSUE ON SALE 2 MAR S P O I L E R ALERT! 20TH CENTURY STUDIOS See page 42 for details SUBSCRIBE TODAY AND ENJOY GREAT SAVINGS! S AV E 5 9%
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