The Diary of a Nobody 2013/2014

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

The Diary of a
Nobody
2013/14
A Novel of

Everyday Life

By
Gaylon Kent

The Diary
of a

Nobody
2013/2014

A Novel
By

Gaylon Kent

The Diary of a Nobody
Copyright © 2015 by Gaylon Kent
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be
reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means
without written permission of the author.
Private Printing
First Edition: April 2015

writersshack.com | @GaylonKent

For my wife Marian, who makes me a somebody
For the Sparrows of the world



This is a novel. All elements are either products of the
author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resem-
blance to anything outside of that context is coincidental.



My name is Sparrow.

Right now, History is not demanding an accounting of
my life. You may not be, either.

But as The Wife says, sometimes extraordinary things
happen to the ordinary.

I doubt that, too, but you know how women can get.



Table of Contents

October/November 2013 ................................................................1
December 2013 ............................................................................29
January 2014 ..............................................................................55
February 2014 .............................................................................79
March 2014 ............................................................................... 101
April 2014 .................................................................................. 109
May 2014 ................................................................................... 121
June 2014.................................................................................. 139
July 2014................................................................................... 153
August 2014 .............................................................................. 173
September 2014 ......................................................................... 203
October 2014 ............................................................................. 231
November 2014 .......................................................................... 259
December 2014 .......................................................................... 285



October/November 2013

October 19
A routine Saturday. Took the wife into town. Stopped by a sewing

shop that might want to sell some teddy bears she made. Sat in a
rather comfortable chair and pretended I was someplace manlier.
Then went to store to look for a wallet. Wife reported dog had good
poops twice today. I had no idea when we took possession of a dog the
importance good poops would play in our lives.

October 21
Brian, from work, got a dog over the weekend, a Siberian husky.

Got it from a shelter in Texas though we don’t live in Texas and exactly
what in the hell a husky was doing in Texas wasn’t clear. Said the
dog, Aspen, crapped in the house and took 20 minutes to find an ac-
ceptable place to wiz this morning, but otherwise the first day went
without incident.

We both agreed a husky would do well in the cold weather here.
Our dog got very excited when squirrels showed up at the squirrel
feeder today. Yesterday was the first time we had stocked the feeder
in ages.

October 22
The usual long Tuesday at work for both of us and I was home

before Marian, which is rare. Had some hot soup waiting for her and
I did the dishes, too. As usual, I thought these deeds – best described
as heroic – merited the Medal of Honor.

Stanko from the American Legion called. Wanted to meet Thurs-
day with a member who is out of work. I’m not an employer but I said
sure.

October 23
No poops this morning! It was dark when we went out and we were

startled somewhat by a dog that was not on a leash, in violation of a

2 The Diary of a Nobody

variety of city ordinances. Leash your dogs! Especially since I am going
blind and couldn’t see Fido in the dark until it was almost close
enough to attack.

Took wife’s car in to get snow tires put on. They make a moderate
difference in the snow, and it’s good peace of mind, so it’s money well
spent. I am not a polar bear, but based on my winter experience, most
of staying out of a ditch is not doing anything – braking, steering, et
al – too suddenly.

October 24
The cat has taken to joining me for my morning constitutional.

Our cat does not like too much attention, so allowing me to pet her
for a upwards of a two (2) minutes is unusual. Usually she meows at
the door after I’ve sat on the crapper and I’ll let her in and she’ll roll
over and whatnot. Today though she raced me down the stairs and
was waiting for me.

Given the choice, I’d rather have a cat. I’d rather scramble for 20
seconds of affection or have her favor me by sitting next to me on the
window sill while I write this than provide the non-stop coverage the
dog requires.

October 24
Brian sharpened my knife while on the road today. I was driving

and he was killing time by sharpening his knife and I asked him if
he’d do mine, too, and he said sure. Afterwards he tested both edges
by slicing up parts of the newspaper which annoyed me because what
if that dulled my newly-sharpened knife, but I endured without saying
anything.

An aunt is starting to make noise about the Christmas gift name
drawing. I have not lived in the area for ages and I long ago got out of
the gift giving racket, but I think I’ll do it this year just for funsies and
send in nothing but luxury items for my wish list. Things like a Rolex,
or a Bentley or maybe a new house.

I got out of the name draw racket in my mid-20’s when, I happened
to draw my own name at the family Thanksgiving gathering.

October/November 2013 3

Rather than put my own name back and draw someone else, I
decided to keep it. Not wanting to violate sacred family tradition, that
probably went back as many as several years, I graciously declined to
reveal whose name I drew.

This did not go unnoticed. Sometime later Mom calls. She and my
aunt had been, as sisters do, busily trying to figure out who drew
whose name. They had considered every possible combination and the
only scenarios that made any sense whatsoever were the ones where
I drew my own name.

So I confessed. She wasn’t pleased, but there was nothing she
could do. I haven’t bought a Christmas present since. It should be
noted I don’t get an awful lot of Christmas presents, either.

October 25
I do not like our new toilet paper. We needed some in a pinch so

the wife picked up some at a small town market near work and it was
the house brand and it should be called Macho Wipe or something
because whoa Nelly, it all but takes a blood sample.

I was surprised. The house brand, a brand commonly found at
small town markets, is usually pretty good. We’ve used its peanut but-
ter and mayonnaise and I am drinking its coffee as I write this and
those are pretty good, but its toilet paper is a lethal weapon. I will have
to endure twelve (12) rolls of Macho Wipe.

Good poops from the dog, and morning constitutional pets from
the cat while the wife sleeps soundly. A good morning so far.

October 26
Out of town for a basketball official’s clinic tomorrow. Traveling for

stuff like this is one of the benefits of living in a small, rural town. In
November I am obliged to go to another city for an instructional chair-
man’s meeting because nobody holds anything where I live.

I am not one to spend a whole lot of money on lodging for myself.
There is no point to it. Usually this relegates me to a motel, but tonight
I got a real hotel for a bit more than $50, less than what I would’ve
spent at a motel.

4 The Diary of a Nobody

In the elevator there were enough mirrors so I could see the back
of my head. I never like seeing the back of my head. It is not particu-
larly attractive, especially with as little hair as I have and no good ever
comes from it.

Saw Cousin Mike and his wife Babs today for the first time I a
while today. I can reckon our last meeting – with his mom and my dad
at Disneyland – by the girl I was dating at the time and it has to be
18-years or so.

Poor Mike. Every important woman in his life is named Babs, short
for Barbara. His mom, his sister and his wife. His mom, Aunt Babs
and my dad were siblings and both are long dead.

Mike has all his hair and I don’t. We also compared ailments. He
is a bit older than me, and he noted he was starting to lose his hearing,
which I’m not, though I need an electron microscope to read labels
now.

I also pointed I’m starting to forget things. For example, unless I
am going for one thing, I need a list for the grocery store now. Some-
times I forget the list and when I do remember the list sometimes I will
forget an item on it. Babs was immediately sympathetic with this.

In other news, I forgot toothpaste. Actually, I didn’t forget it. We
only have one tube and I left it so as not to inconvenience The Wife.
The little shop off the front desk here had a kiddies toothbrush and
some Crest for $4. I refused to pay it. No one supports the free market
more than I do, so I splurged for a small bottle of mouthwash for 81
cents, including tax.

Even that was fraught with peril, though. I put some in my mouth
but it turned out to be too much and I couldn’t gargle without spitting
up like a toddler so I spit some out and that was too little, so I ended
up not getting a decent gargle in.

October 27
Went to the basketball clinic today. It was pretty useful and well

organized and, best of all, not too long, not always the case with sports
officiating instruction.

October/November 2013 5

One useful thing I had not realized before was that four of the five
correctable errors involve free throws. If you pay attention and admin-
ister your free throws properly you only have one correctable error to
worry about.

Quiz: what is the other correctable error in high school basketball?
A uniform distributer was there, too, and I bought a couple of
shirts, one gray and one striped. Back when I did full tilt sports offi-
ciating, say 400 games or so in a calendar year, I was known as a gear
whore. I still appreciate quality gear, you do get what you pay for, but
buying gear no longer causes me to achieve and maintain the state of
arousal it used to.
The state association is asking that every unit have each official
chip in $40 for breast cancer research. Neither Elvis, the area director,
nor myself, the instructional chairman for our group, are thrilled with
this. We despise breast cancer as much as you do – who doesn’t? –
but it is not the job of a high school sports officials group to mandate
we all donate 80 percent or so of a game fee to any charity.
The wife texted me this morning there were three squirrels at the
feeder on the tree outside our cabin window: one dining and two more
waiting.
The only problem with the goddamned feeder is the goddamned
dog gets excited when she sees it being used. I will take her out in this
situation to shut her up and usually she rushes toward the tree, tear-
ing my shoulder out of its socket, but today she went tactical, ap-
proaching slowly and sniffing as if looking for contraband.
The drive home today was nice. It was a gorgeous fall day and I
made good time. Picked up a vintage edition of Casey Kasem and
American Top 40 on a radio station near a town. Like some of you may
have, I grew up listening to AT40 and they’re still fun to listen to.
The only downside was lost the station as I pulled out of town. I
managed to hear Late in the Evening (down eight notches) a really nice
long distance dedication and Xanadu, a song I’ve always liked though
those without taste in music tend to scorn it.

6 The Diary of a Nobody

I am such a homebody I can’t even handle one night away without
weeping. I did not sleep well last night and it took me forever to fall
asleep. It is, as usual, good to be home.

October 28
No morning constitutional scratches from the cat!
The wife has been suffering from a toothache, for a while, too. It

got really bad today. My wife being my wife, she wanted to tough it
out, I guess until her entire mouth had to be entirely removed, but I
made a dentist appointment her. She had no choice: it’s my job as
Husband to take care of these things.

Refereed a football game today for the first time in ten years. When
we moved here I was ready to retire from sports officiating but that
didn’t last all that long and I am back doing three sports again. Not
too often, just when interest and opportunity intersect, but wearing
the white hat today for a JV game was fun. I had a roughing the kicker
call that sorta changed the momentum of the game and got me a lot
of grief from people who don’t know the rules, but that’s we get paid
to do: make key calls. You don’t go looking for them, but when they’re
there you must nail them.

I am also the instructional guy for the basketball refs, and we had
to scramble to make it after our game. Todd and Rusty both made it
before I did, because I came home and took the dog out for a crap.

The other correctable error in high school basketball is errone-
ously counting or cancelling a score.

October 29
Wife went to the dentist – who I picked pretty much at random –

and she ended up having a wisdom tooth pulled. She didn’t go to work,
either. She was pretty groggy tonight, but grateful to be out of pain
and that I made her go and get it fixed.

Saw some sheep on the road today, and this isn’t the first time,
either. Shepherds were moving a bunch of them, too, and the sound
of our truck behind them got them moving even faster, which was
kinda funny, actually. We don’t want any dead sheep on our hands,

October/November 2013 7

though, so we give them a lot of space, and the sheep cost us ten
minutes, at least.

Had a bunch of weather, too. Some snow heading down. I’m not
paid to crash the company truck, so you slow down and implement
what I call Old Maid Driving Tactics (OMDT) which basically means
you ignore the speedometer and other traffic and do not drive one mph
faster than you feel comfortable because I’ve found your instincts in
these situations are pretty trusty.

We caught a break, however, and had blue skies after that and got
the route in just over five-and-a-half hours, a new world record.

October 31
The wife showed me her pulled tooth. It looked like something

pulled from an archeological site.

November 1
Had zero (0) trick-or-treaters last night.
This is not a bulletin. I have gotten so few trick or treaters over the

years and even with a wife we still get none. You’d think we passed
out bleach samples or kicked kids in the face or something. . We could
have a dozen pumpkins and a 55-gallon drum of candy on the porch
and still no one would show up.

I don’t even bother buying candy anymore.
The power went out too, last night. About 3am or so. It does that
here, more often than you’d think, too, often when it’s raining or snow-
ing, but it wasn’t doing either of those things at 3am. The power just
felt like going out, I guess.
Since I’m old and have to go the bathroom every three (3) hours
now, I took the dog out at 2am night before last, since I was up to go
to the bathroom. I whined to myself about it, but she had to go and
I’ve cleaned up enough of her vomit to know it’s better to get dressed
at 2am than to clean up at 2:30am.
She had runny poops, too. Not sure why.
The dog has declared war on evil squirrels. She almost drug me to
the squirrel feeder, which is empty, on her walk and she just went

8 The Diary of a Nobody

tactical when she saw one from the living room that had the temerity
to sit in a tree.

Got some very good scratches in with the cat at morning constitu-
tional. I usually stay on the can until the coffee is done, but the cat
was purring and I actually stayed a little later.

November 2
Spent some time I’ll never get back at a conference today. Before

it started a guy behind me actually remarked to I’m not sure whom
the budget sure should be “interesting” this year.

The budget was not interesting this year. It might have been less
interesting than last year, at least to someone for whose idea of fi-
nance involves the leaving of a gratuity. It also involved sub-budgets
and zero-base budgeting and something was added to the database
too, though I’m not sure what. That didn’t stop me from approving
everything like I knew what I was doing.

The wife said she had it out with a neighbor when the neighbor’s
dog was let out unleashed. The neighbor just opens the door to let her
dog do its business, which also means she’s not cleaning up its doo-
doo either, something else which blows, too.

The wife’s work on my afghan continues. It’s about a third done
and it is going to be really warm.

This presents a conundrum. On the one hand, it gets cold here
and it’s good to have a warm afghan to sleep with. On the other hand,
we don’t sleep with the windows open; our cabin has a heater and
usually you’re good with just a blanket, though the wife prefers to use
20 pounds of blankets regardless of the season with her feet sticking
out the bottom which I don’t understand at all.

Oh, Jesus H. No animal in the tri-state area can so much as
breathe without our dog going completely bonkers now! I don’t under-
stand this. This behavior is completely new.

November 3
A very relaxing Sunday. I didn’t even leave the cabin, though the

wife did leave to visit her friend Ann.

October/November 2013 9

It wasn’t all relaxation glamor, though, as I was obliged to watch
a neighbor’s dog poop right on my grass! Unfortunately – fortunately
if you’re the goddamned neighbor – I don’t know who it belongs to.
Probably should’ve just shot it, but then I would’ve had to’ve cleaned
that up.

Although, now that I think about it, I probably should’ve shot the
owner. I mean, it’s not the dog’s fault it crapped in the yard. That’s
what dogs do: they crap in the yard. Shooting the owner, though,
probably would’ve caused more headaches than shooting the dog.

November 4
The Wife cut my hair this morning. I don’t have much hair, and

what I do have I prefer to keep really short, so it is a simple – not to
mention economical – matter to have her use the clippers to cut it the
same length all around.

The big news is the cold obliged us to perform this vital evolution
indoors because it’s starting to get cold out. In good weather we do it
on the porch, right next to the snow tires, which is probably closer to
‘hill’ than it is ‘redneck’.

Speaking of cold, I took the dog in to get her some mittens for her
paws. I sort of suspect she would’ve adapted to the cold had we not,
but you never know and it gets awfully cold here. The wife and I dis-
cussed this and decided we don’t want anything that would prevent
us from taking her outside to crap.

She took right to them, too. There was some very minor resistance
at the store, but when we got home she was prancing around like she
was born with them.

Reverted to bachelor form for lunch and didn’t bother to put the
soup in a pan and add water. I ate it straight from the can.

Hey, if we sleep without an alarm clock when the clocks go back
an hour, do we really get an extra hour of sleep? I mean, if you took a
stop watch and timed it the elapsed time would be the same whether
the clocks were turned back or forward or left the same.

I did so little Sunday my watch had yet to be moved back an hour
when I put it on this morning.

10 The Diary of a Nobody

November 5
Boy, the doggie likes her booties, but this morning she did not like

the cold at all. Certainly no poops and she didn’t wee-wee for me, pre-
ferring to wander around by the car before heading back to the front
door.

I almost broke a sweat. It was hardly necessary, but I put on the
arctic gear overalls and jacket. It was a bit of overkill, but I wanted to
field test them.

I think my car needs a new battery. The light flickered on and off
a bit last night, and the brights dimmed once or twice. Today is an
early and long day, so the wife will go and get a battery for me and
have it put it in and I will pick it up after work, which tomorrow will
be late, about 9pm.

Brian will pick me up. A bit out of his way, but this is what part-
ners do.

Marian is putting a spare coat on the dog. The dog does not
seemed too pleased with this.

The cat was waiting for me in the bathroom for morning constitu-
tional scratches.

November 6
Fasted yesterday. I fasted because I need to lose 30 pounds by

Thursday, when I ref my first basketball games of the season.
I’m such a kidder. I fasted because I forgot my lunch. I could’ve

stopped on the route for lunch, but it was more fun to fast. The wife
and I have some modest fasting experience in the past, though it had
been a while since I’d gone more than 40 minutes without eating.

New battery is in the car. Brian dropped me off at the parts store
but the goddamned doors were locked and the keys were in the god-
damned car, so Brian took me home and the wife and I went, with the
spare key, this morning.

Usually I take my coffee like I take my women – strong and black
(an old Navy joke) – but the wife had some creamer lying around and
I like creamer, especially hazelnut, from time to time.

Actually the line in the Navy was black and bitter. When some
lower enlisted puke – like me, for instance – would go on a coffee run

October/November 2013 11

coffee was ordered black or blonde and bitter or sweet, depending on
your cream and sugar preference. Except for TMC(SS) Hill, who didn’t
like half a cup of sugar in his coffee and invariably requested “a
skosh”.

Diesel submarine sailors being diesel submarine sailors the I-
take-my-women-like-I-take-my-coffee line shouldn’t be too big of a
surprise.

November 7
Another manifestation we are not getting any younger: needing

glasses to trim your ear hair in the mirror. The indignities of aging
never end. Well, they end when you die, I suppose, but probably not
until then.

November 8
Hybrid coffee this morning. About a quarter of the old can and the

rest the new stuff. Different brands, too. The old one is the house
brand from the small market in the next town over and the new crap
is from the local market. I like to think I can tell the difference, but I
really can’t. Navy coffee dulls you to pretty much anything that isn’t
hot, black and caffeinated.

Got the first three basketball games of the season in the books last
night, doing some middle school games.

My partner was really, really good. Just moved here from Houston.
He’s way better than me, and I’m not too bad.

The first two games were nothing too exciting. In fact game two
was actually 50-1 at one point.

Earned my game fee late in the final game, though.
Less than a minute left, home team up two, visitors shoot a jumper
from near the free throw line and the shooter is fouled as he is coming
down after releasing the ball. A lesser official might well have been
watching the ball and missed, but I stayed on the shooter and saw the
foul. The kid made the first one, missed the second, but they got the
rebound and made a three to go up two, but the home team tied it.

12 The Diary of a Nobody

Overtime is a pain in the ass. You might think it’s exciting to be a
part of, but you’d be wrong. We’d rather get everything done in regu-
lation mainly because the more I’m out there the more likely I am to
blow something.

It was a small gym and the crowd was really loud, too. Not even
this too exciting, really, because you just want to get out of there with
the kids deciding the game and nobody chasing you out the door.

We wore gray shirts, too. They are rather new, at least for high
school refs here, they have black pinstripes every couple of inches and
they look really sharp. I am going to wear them every chance I get this
season.

November 9
Something else Cousin Mike and I discussed last weekend were

the mineral rights we inherited from our great-grandfather Sparrow
who apparently had lost them in a poker game or something. After
several decades they had – and no one is entirely sure how – reverted
back to the family. We had some zero clue about them until an oil
company which had gone through no small effort to find us contacted
us this past spring.

Us Sparrows aren’t the most communicative people around and it
turned out there were some cousins we didn’t know about. There was
Grandpa Sparrow and an uncle everyone blabbed about because he
was a world-class musician, but two other cousins were never men-
tioned and we didn’t know about them until this year. Mike has talked
to both of them but I haven’t though I did play phone tag with one of
them.

Hilariously, we do not own the land itself. This is less hilarious if
you do own the land, because it appears, at least in Illinois, the land
owner has few rights and I seem Cousin Mike saying the owners and
the oil company are squabbling about this and that but that is not my
direct lookout.

We’ve had snow on the ground most of the week and the dog – who
we got from the desert – really seems to like it. We were taking her for
poops last night and The Wife starting throwing snowballs for the dog
to fetch and the dog obliged, running around like she was fetching her

October/November 2013 13

tennis ball. What was really funny was watching the dog, who may
not be as bright as advertised, stop suddenly when she couldn’t find
it because the snow ball had blended in with the snow.

November 10
Another very relaxing Sunday. We even got a nap in.
I was farting around with the diary, so The Wife made Sunday

morning hotcakes. We are not Hotcake Compatible. The Wife prefers
to make 133 hotcakes more or less the size of a nickel while I prefer
two the size of a faceoff circle. She prefers her eggs scrambled though
how in the hell anyone eats hotcakes without two or three sunny side
up on top is beyond me.

The cat is becoming pretty good at recognizing when daddy is get-
ting up for the day and when he is merely getting up for his old-man-
middle-of-the-night tinkle and she is doing a good job of letting me get
settled on the can before making her way down. That seems to be all
the attention – except for feeding her yummies, of course – she re-
quires.

The dog, in the other hand, was a complete diva this morning re-
quiring no less than five minutes of attention before allowing her har-
ness to be put on for her morning walk. Yesterday she whined like a
puppy whenever either of us was out her immediate visual ray for
more than five seconds.

I noted to The Wife recently the cat does not hiss at the dog any-
more. She thought about and agreed, then started counting off the
months since we got the dog in May: “Six months for her to calm
down,” she noted.

I thought – but , in the interest of Domestic Tranquility – did not
say, that was about normal for women.

November 11
Made myself useful for The Wife this morning.
She did not enjoy the holiday off like I did, so I made her breakfast

and then I made her lunch for work. I even reached down and got the
good bread from the middle of the loaf for her sandwich so shewouldn’t
have to make do with the front-of-the-loaf slices. I’m pro like that.

14 The Diary of a Nobody

Some of us from the post made ourselves useful this Veteran’s
Day. The first stop was an elementary school where they had a very
nice ceremony, with a very large choir singing patriotic songs.

Then we went to the retirement home to honor the veterans there.
One gentleman declined because he had been drafted and then kicked
out of boot camp because he couldn’t see. We told him that wasn’t his
fault and he was as much a vet as any of us misfits but he wasn’t
moved.

We enjoy doing this because, as the joke goes, we’ll all be there
one day and want someone to come visit us, but that’s not entirely
true, though it probably isn’t entirely false, either.

We followed that up with an afternoon ceremony at yet another
elementary school. Last year I wore my uniform to one of these, the
first time I’d worn it since my discharge just after Lee’s surrender at
Appomattox. It still fit this year, but I decided everyone’s life was
complete without me in cracker jacks which, honestly, look kinda silly
on anyone not under 30, like me, especially when your hair is mostly
gone.

We’ve had some new members in the post the past few months,
and we were able to use them to speak yesterday. This is good, be-
cause you don’t to keep trotting out the same people year in and year
out.

November 12
I had a good line this morning, my first in a while.
The Wife tweaked a muscle under her left arm pit recently and she

advised me it hurt when she laughed. This usually isn’t too much of
a problem because I’m a pretty dull guy, but I declared an immediate
moratorium on all humor in the house till further notice, proclaiming
that from here on out all conversation will be about non-funny stuff,
like gassing cats, which defeated the purpose because it made her
laugh.

I followed that up, too, a few minutes later, with another clutch
line: The Wife was thanking me for being generally useful recently –
recall I did the dishes a couple of weeks back, and made her breakfast

October/November 2013 15

Monday – and she allowed how she wished she could be more use to
me. My line:

You did everything you could when you married me.
It’s true, too! I love my wife dearly.

November 13
Our truck broke down yesterday!
I am not making that up, though I shouldn’t make it sound like

the biggest bulletin in the history of work because it was hardly the
first time we’d been broke dick on the side of the road.

(Broke dick, by the by, is an old Navy term. Usually it referred to
the boat when we couldn’t get underway. Sometimes it would refer to
a piece of gear, though usually ‘tits-up’ was used in this instance. If
enough things were ‘tits-up’, then you were broke dick.)

We weren’t there long, though. We radioed the branch and told the
mechanic we heard what sounded like a burst of high pressure air
being released and then the truck wouldn’t go more than 15 miles per
hour and he said it sounded like a turbo hose blew and they called
the tow company – who we have on speed dial – and they dispatched
a mobile mechanic.

It is always good to see something done marvelously well. The me-
chanic was very good at what he did. He told us to rev the engine and
he confirmed the turbo hose had come off and he was able to fix it and
all in all we lost about an hour or so.

This was good. Had we not been able to get going we would have
had to call it a day and part of me, honestly, thought that was all right
because this was the rare Tuesday when Brian drove and I did the
humping and why do today what you can put off and have Brian do
tomorrow?

But if it couldn’t’ve been fixed we would have had to have hit the
road early today because the route still’s gotta be run and I would be
driving right now instead of sitting in a warm house with a cup of joe
writing my diary.

16 The Diary of a Nobody

We’ve been on the side of the road longer. We work a pretty rural
route far from the main branch and one time the radiator blew and it
took about six hours for a truck to get to us.

The Wife is constantly breaking things! Just now she broke a bowl.
She tried blaming it on the cat – always a lead suspect in something
like this – but the cat denied everything and was upstairs anyway.

This has gone on since we’ve been dating. It took her the better
part of a year to work her way through my box of 24 glasses (which
were cheaper than the dozen box) before she declared war on my Early
Bachelor plate and bowl ensemble.

Moderately amusing was finding glass from a previous breakage
while cleaning up the latest wreckage.

Work is usually pretty low key, but it was a pain again, today.
First, Brian couldn’t find one of our key rings. We actually went
back to his house to look for them and he found them, in all places,
in a trash can. This set us back 45 minutes.
Second, as noted we work well away from the main branch and we
keep the truck in a storage unit. I was closing the door this morning
and the door sort of came unlatched from something and wouldn’t
open again. This wasn’t too big a deal though. I called the storage
unit’s office and they were on it. We do need another unit until the
door gets fixed, but that’s no big deal.
Later, talking it over with Mike, one of 17 immediate supervisors
we seem to have at the branch, I said we’re just making stuff up to
make us look good. We really didn’t break down yesterday and the
storage unit door is fine.
Mike also noted that if the door couldn’t be opened and my car
was stuck in the storage unit I could take the truck home. I said I
would be picking up chicks left and right with the truck. He laughed
and said he was only trying to help.
November 14
The cat will not stop meowing this morning. I’ve learned this could
mean her dry food bowl is empty or litter box could use some atten-
tion, but when I caught up her she was merely killing time by the
closet door.

October/November 2013 17

In other news, I need some jammy pants to sleep in. I usually wear
an old pair of boxer briefs, but the elastic is gone in them, obliging me
to hold them up all the time.

The Wife and I were putzing around the kitchen this morning and
The Wife used some stuff I had allegedly washed last night. Nothing
was particularly clean – not completely unprecedented – leading her
to announce it might be best if I no longer washed dishes.

Uh, OK. Whatever it takes to make this family work, I, Sparrow,
will do!

November 15
Found my flashlight batteries. I have pretty good flashlight for

work, which I don’t need too often but is nice to have, and it requires
a battery I think is mainly used for cameras. The last time it needed a
battery I paid $15 or so for a half dozen instead of $7 for one , but I
couldn’t find them recently. I checked the tool bag and the junk
drawer, the usual places for crap like this, but no dice.

Turns out they were in my briefcase, which I also had trouble find-
ing, which I had dug out for this weekend’s trip.

There were other things in my briefcase, too: a letter opener and
some breath mints. Plus some long lost, not really missed reading
glasses, a credential holder, a mechanical pencil, a money clip I’ve
had for ages and used maybe three (3) days in my life, a checkbook
for a long-closed account, a thumb drive from someone who killed
himself in a hotel I used to work at, some gift cards and – get this –
assorted combs which have long done me some zero good.

In just a few short weeks I will be living with six (6) females! The
Wife’s daughter and a couple of her Navy shipmates will be visiting
over New Year’s. Our place is pretty small even with one visitor, but
fortunately they aren’t coming up to hang around the house.

Thanksgiving plans have taken shape, too. We will spend them
with our friend Ann. Ann is getting up there, old enough to have both
a grand-daughter and a great-granddaughter who will also be attend-
ing. I don’t care. There could be a KKK rally there, as long as there is
sufficient stuffing.

18 The Diary of a Nobody

November 16
I am so stupid. I brought enough socks to walk home with and

multiple tubes of Chap Stick, but forgot underwear. I did remember
toothpaste this time, though.

I’m in town for a meeting of high school basketball interpreters
from around the state. I became the interpreter at our last meeting
last year because the old one moved and they needed someone and
were all sitting around scratching our asses when some yahoo said
“Hey, how about Sparrow” and before anyone knew what in the hell
was going on I was nominated, seconded and approved, apparently
unanimously because I didn’t vote.

I am not particularly qualified for this position. I haven’t been of-
ficiating that long and others are

The meeting was useful, though. I got some instructional materi-
als so I don’t bore everybody by yapping incessantly.

Compounding that is I really don’t like being away from home
without The Wife. I did not sleep well last night, as usual, and I prob-
ably won’t sleep well tonight, either.

November 17
By chance my friend Bonser is in town. Like you probably would,

if you were freed from the shackles of a wife for a Saturday night in
the big city, we went to a college hockey game. We will have breakfast
today before heading out, at Waffle House, our favorite, which is where
we had breakfast yesterday.

It’s good to be home. I didn’t sleep particularly long or well despite
the fact I was in a nice hotel. Some of you may remember my edict
about not liking to spend a whole lot of money on lodging for myself,
but I was reimbursed for this, so I was willing to stay in a hotel with
as many stars as they were willing to pay for, which in this case turned
out to be three.

November 18
The Wife made chicken and dumplings last night. For added ex-

citement, she reported it was her first time.

October/November 2013 19

I have some modest street cred in this matter. Dad would make
this – along with Great Northern Beans and Pork – once a year or so.
The Wife, god love her, gave it her all, but her dumplings came out
more like biscuits than anything else, not that I’m complaining be-
cause my love for biscuits is exceeded only by my love for my wife. In
fact, I’d had biscuits and gravy at Waffle House for breakfast Sunday
morning. As well as a biscuit with a piece of sausage in it from the
value menu. And hash browns. Smothered and covered.

Afghan update: The Wife reports she got some quality work in
while I was gone. No estimated time of completion yet, but it is coming
along nicely.

The Wife and I are currently engaged in a pitched battle over cof-
fee. I like a rather low key blend, while she prefers something that
could fuel an engine and yesterday she brought some pretty strong
stuff home that Ann gave her.

I actually made two pots this morning. Officially, this was because
I was up really early and didn’t want her new coffee to be stale when
she got up, but in truth I have enough hair on my chest and don’t
really want anymore.

Nose was a little stuffy last night, so I spent the night sleeping with
my mouth open, resulting in a dry, pasty, probably foul smelling
mouth.

November 19
Despite my complete unqualifiedness to do so, I provided basket-

ball officiating instruction to the guys at our regular meeting last
night. We covered throw-in and free throw administration, which are
pretty routine though sometimes we don’t pay attention and screw it
up, and signals and traveling, which are not.

Well, I guess signals are routine, or should be, but not everybody
used them, and it is a point of emphasis nationwide this season to
have everyone use standard high school signals, which sometimes dif-
fer from those used on TV games.

Traveling is a fiasco now. Kids are so quick nowadays. It used to
be traveling meant someone taking too many steps on a layup. Now
there are spin moves and whatnot and you really got to pay attention.

20 The Diary of a Nobody

Not only did I read the rule and have Chris – the new guy I worked
with earlier – demonstrate everything as I wrote it, but I followed that
up with some video I got from the state association. It wasn’t too bad
of instruction, I suppose, and a couple of guys thanked me.

Had really good morning constitutional scratches from the cat this
morning. The funny thing was I was hoping to duck downstairs for a
quickie and then sneak back up to bed, but the cat was having none
of it, following me down, so I sat on the edge of the bathtub and
scratched her for a bit. I even got purrs.

November 20
Work - and we work for an international company – recently sent

out the quarterly company magazine. It’s a glossy, well-done affair and
Brain hadn’t gotten his so I brought him mine so he could kill five
minutes of our 14-hour day reading it. It had some pretty good stuff
in there, although it was written in 21st-century corporate-speak,
which means some of it didn’t make any sense.

No morning constitutional scratches from the cat this morning! I
was up at the usual time, too. Oh well.

Went to the VA clinic for some blood work preparatory to next
week’s physical. You can tell the VA isn’t a for-profit medical group.
You walk in and it’s like boot camp: “Ten hut! What’s your last four?”
I’m surprised I wasn’t ordered to drop and give them twenty.

Compounding matters was the fact I was early and promptly used
the restroom. This was a tactical error because I hadn’t been in the
chair more than five (5) seconds when Kathleen the nurse not only
hands me the tubes she will put my blood in, but also hands me a
specimen cup.

This could cause real problems but, fortunately, I am old enough
now so I can more or less go to the bathroom on demand. It took a
half-hour or so, ten cups of water and a cup of some pretty lousy VA
clinic coffee (which I think was the clincher) but I was able to produce
the required sample

I’m not complaining about the coffee, merely noting it wasn’t any
good. Anyone who has spent more than 30 seconds in the service ap-
preciates lousy coffee. As long as it’s hot, black and caffeinated it’ll do.

October/November 2013 21

Hell, bad coffee can even be a good-for-morale rallying point in a mil-
itary unit because service folks always like something to whine about.

Had some salmon ready to go in the oven tonight for the wife. She
said I could salt and pepper them. Bad move. Evidently I put too much
salt on them because I was screeched at like a kitty in heat. She then
challenged me to put the pepper on, but I graciously declined. This
did not stop me from commenting on how perfectly salted – not to
mention inappropriately peppered – our dinner seemed to be.

Bonser over for a visit tonight. Recapped the hockey game from
the weekend – which we both enjoyed a lot – and talked about Waffle
House hash browns, and Kimmy, the Waffle House waitress he is se-
cretly in love with. Some politics, too, which interests him more than
it does me.

November 21
The Wife and I were looking through a local coupon book and we

came across one for a local pizza place (that’s pretty average, frankly)
that said their special was for “dine in or take out only”.

There are other options? Perhaps it means there is no levitating
while dining.

Considering we enjoy the occasional levitation while dining, and
the fact their pizza is all right but not really Pizza of the Year, we won’t
be utilizing the coupon.

November 22
Got my birthday coffee mug from work today. As noted, Brian and

I work well away from the home office, and they sent it up with a route
we meet a couple of times a week.

It’s not Mug of the Year, but it’s got the company logo and it’s the
thought that counts. It was immediately dispatched for duty at the
kitchen sink as a drinking water holder.

One of my more brilliant ideas was snow basket. Or at least that’s
what I call it. It’s a basket kept on the table by the front door with cold
weather stuff in it, like gloves and watch caps and stuff. The problem
was finding the basket. We found a really good one that a local cheap
store was using to store stuff in and they wouldn’t sell it to us! I found

22 The Diary of a Nobody

this funny, telling the lady, “You’re a cheap store, everything’s for sale”
but she wouldn’t budge.

Anyway, we later found one at a cheap store that actually sells
things. The only problem is the cat keeps knocking it down, usually
when the dog chases her, but sometimes on her own, too.

November 23
Just woke up. It’s 8am, too, which is pretty late, but we got to bed

late last night.
Reffed some basketball today. The season is still a week or so

away, but there were some scrimmages at the high school. Presuming
you don’t shred your knee, scrimmages, which we aren’t paid for, are
generally time well spent.

Today they did 20-minute running clock halves, and I worked the
first three with Rusty. I’ve done football and baseball with Rusty, but
this is Rusty’s first basketball season and his first time ever on the
court. He didn’t do too bad. He looked sharp in his uniform which is
half the battle if you ask me and hustled well but in 60 minutes of
running clock high school basketball he called exactly one (1) foul.

This was kinda funny, because it wasn’t as if this was the most
technically proficient game in the history of hoops. Girls were flying
around left and right but Rusty only saw one foul. I told him as a
general rule anytime a player goes up for a shot and ends up flat on
the floor a foul has probably occurred. Even getting the call wrong is
better than calling nothing. But when you’re first starting out and
wondering if where you’re supposed to be and whatnot and probably
still watching the ball all the time besides sometimes you forget to call
fouls.

Let me tell you something, learning how to ref basketball well is
not easy. It is a difficult game to officiate and you ain’t going to learn
it all in either your first game or your first season. I told Rusty at the
start just worry about where you are supposed to be and using the
proper signals. We can build from there.

Didn’t wear the gray shirt, though. All anybody had was stripes.
It got me to thinking about my first game ever. It was basketball,
JV girls, not too long ago, actually, because I haven’t been officiating

October/November 2013 23

forever and ever. I wasn’t too bad and was scared stiff which is pretty
normal for new officials.

The local paper is asking us to take a survey before reading articles
on their site. This is silly. I do not want to take a survey so while I am
a pretty community-minded guy, I just click an answer at random.
When a written answer is required I’ll write a few random letters.

Date night tonight! Originally we were going to head into town for
a movie and a pizza or maybe a sandwich at the sub shop, but one of
the advantages of living in a town with one (1) theater and four (4)
screens is sometimes the movie you want to see isn’t playing yet.

So we ended up staying in. The Wife got a ready to bake pizza at
the store and we watched a movie she had bought recently. I even
showered, too, seeing as it was date night and all.

November 24
Saw our neighbor Alan while walking the dog this morning. Our

dog had her booties on and Alan asked if we had trouble getting her
to wear them…None at all, I said…Well, there had been token, mini-
mal resistance when I put the first one on at the doggie bootie store,
but after that she took to them immediately…A girl and her shoes and
all that.

Alan noted he had tried musher’s cream on his dog…I pursed my
lips and nodded authoritatively, like I knew what the hell musher’s
cream was…I don’t, of course – though the context makes it pretty
clear – but Alan seemed to presume I was the last word in musher’s
cream and I didn’t want to disappoint…Alan added he wasn’t real
pleased with musher’s cream because it was hard to get off and
tracked up the house.

The Wife and I tag teamed on hotcakes this morning, with yours
truly making the batter…As usual, following the directions resulted in
a paste, not something to make hotcakes with, so I improvised adding
a little of this and a little of that until I was pleased…The Wife suspects
the altitude might be to blame for the batter not coming out right when
you follow the directions…We’ve also noticed water boils a tad more
quickly up here.

24 The Diary of a Nobody

I like Sunday morning hotcakes…Reminds me of Saturday morn-
ing hotcakes with Dad growing up…I would’ve liked them more had
the cat not broken my plate…I am not making that up!!!…I had gotten
up to flip over the second batch of hotcakes when the cat immediately
jumped up on the table and started to lick my plate and then knocked
it over…Between The Wife and the cat I will be eating off of pie tins
before the year is out.

The Post sponsored its annual turkey bingo today. This is such a
tradition the Post heard about when it couldn’t be bothered to hold it
a few years back. The first session was sold out with 90 players and
the second had a good crowd, too.

Bonser and his kid were there. I suppose we could get snitty and
not allow eight-year-old boys to play bingo but we don’t and there was
Matt not only blowing his allowance on a couple of bingo cards, but
he was also working $20 worth of pull tabs, too…He did everything
the other adults did except buy a pitcher of beer…The kid even won a
turkey.

Bonser, who thinks he’s funny, was whining about how the games
were rigged immediately before he happened to win a dessert…I told
him his check cleared so the game was actually rigged in his favor but
being a whiner by nature he continued to whine about how his kid
won a turkey while only won a dessert.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but Bonser is a widower, and he
and his boy are on their own. I told Bonser there is no shortage of
marriageable women in town, but he waves a hand and says he’ll let
me know.
The Wife brought me a sandwich from the new sub place. It was good,
but I saw no need to switch from the old sub place. It should be noted
that I think pretty much anything between bread, say, for instance,
bubble wrap, has merit, as long as there’s mayo and cheese on it.
November 25

Had my yearly physical today…To insure I weighed as little as pos-
sible, I didn’t eat till after my appointment, when I got lunch at a Mex-
ican stand and took it to my wife at work.

October/November 2013 25

My employer offers insurance but I have to pay for it, so I let the
VA provide what little medical care I need. I enjoy rather good health
and only take an annual physical because I am required to.

It should be noted I pa y for this care, too. It’s not free because I
was disabled in the service, though honestly it is not expensive. I think
my visit will cost about $50 or so.

November 27
Got the route done in record time today…Usually, Tuesdays have

stretched into late at night, with Sparrow not getting home till 8:30 or
so, but the route we met to pick up our doilies, after a two hour drive,
was on time for the second straight week and Brian delivered the doi-
lies in record time, just over five hours from the first stop to the last
one…This had us meeting the route we deliver picked-up doilies to at
5pm…All these marks are new world’s records, though I don’t think
we’ll be sending them to the Doilie Delivery Record Book for verifica-
tion…We’re not in this for the glamour, though both Brian and I were
recent Employees of the Month.

The new boots came in this week… I’ve been wearing Romeo boots
the past couple of years…Key for Sparrow buying shoes is the width…I
have a rather wide foot and it is nice to know that with this company
wide means wide not somewhat-wider-than-really-narrow. They fit
well right out of the box.

Not that I was displeased with my last pair…I wasn’t, but I had
gotten them on sale and now they were back to full price not to men-
tion slightly remodeled, so – and this is what makes me a complete
maniac – I changed brands without even thinking twice about it.

November 28
This was not one of those Thanksgivings where Sparrow gets to

sleep in, roll out of bed, show up somewhere and be fed large amounts
of tasty food…This year, for only the second time I can remember, I
actually played a significant role in preparing a Thanksgiving feast

I really wanted to whine about it, too, but it was really rather en-
joyable.

Even The Wife was forced to admit I was pretty darn helpful, having

26 The Diary of a Nobody

a hand in pretty much everything we made except the turkey…In fact,
I made the stuffing, my favorite, and essentially made the World
Champion cranberry sauce… I peeled potatoes, too, which was the
first time I’d done that since the Navy…They weren’t works of art, but
in the Navy you peel a lot of potatoes and you never go back over a
previously-peeled area because you really don’t have the time…Be-
sides, the peel is good for you, don’t argue with me…Then we lugged
it over to Ann’s house and she had a granddaughter, her husband,
and great-grandkids there and we had a good time.

The other time I cooked was ages ago when I was chasing a dream
and was on my own and I had a buddy named Eddie, himself chasing
a dream, over for dinner to my dumpy apartment. I was pretty broke,
so I got a processed turkey, some cheap boxed stuffing, some tin bis-
cuits and some macaroni and cheese and we actually both enjoyed
it…I also made a meat loaf cause I like meat loaf.

November 29
Looking back on my cooking triumph, I was surprised at how easy

it was, especially the cranberry sauce considering how really good it
is.

When I first had The Wife’s cranberry sauce, I gave it the highest
possible marks. I mean, The Wife is a first class cook and everything,
well, almost everything, she makes is really good, but the cranberry
sauce was a cut above everything else. So naturally I figured it was
really hard to make.

Shows what I know. I’m on to her cooking scam. She told me to
take her place at the stove stirring a pot. She said there was some
water and sugar in there and when it started to boil, pour the cran-
berries in and keep stirring. Then set it outside to cool then put it in
the frig to cook some more (I still don’t understand this part. I mean,
the temperature outside is pretty similar to the temperature in the
frig) and then well.

The stuffing was easy, too, but that mainly entailed following the
directions on the package. It wasn’t as if I baked the bread myself… I
did sauté the onions, carrots and celery, though, in olive oil and but-
ter, and then threw in some chicken broth (one can is two ounces less

October/November 2013 27

than the directions call for, obligingly you to either buy a second or,
like I did, throw in an extra couple ounces of water. This is kinda like
the number of hot dogs never equaling the number of buns) then you
throw it in the oven.

I also had a hand in the mashed potatoes (watching them boil and
taking them off the heat) and the green bean casserole, my own role
more or less forgotten in the hub-bub, but, obviously, still critical.

Thanksgiving meals with The Wife always draw comparisons to
the worst Thanksgiving meal in the history of man…It was a few years
ago and we were not eating meat at that time and The Wife made a
tofurkey, which is basically some plaster seasoned with some road
kill…In theory it was an OK idea…I mean, we bought it at a legitimate
grocery store and we’d had some experience with meatless meats,
some of which were actually edible, so we went in thinking a tofurkey
would be more or less tasty.

This one was not…The Wife followed every instruction and the
package and the outer layer still resembled something you could side
your house with…The Wife knew, too…It was so bad we didn’t even
bother going through the motions of pretending it was good…We went
straight to laughing about how bad it was.

November 30
The wife let the bathtub overflow recently. It was kinda funny…I

had turned it on for her and then went upstairs and retired, leaving
her to fend for herself handling cleanup…I asked if I could help be-
cause the way she was squishing around I was worried she might
drown, but she said no because I generally only get in the way in these
situations…Still though, I wanted to make some jokes about what
was her first clue the tub was overflowing might have been, for exam-
ple a fish swimming up on the table, but in the interest of domestic
tranquility I kept quiet.

The next morning though I did – hilariously, if you ask me – in-
quire as to whether flippers were required downstairs.



December 2013

December 1
I am not the biggest movie buff in history…In fact, the movies I

haven’t seen sometimes surprises people…Like Caddyshack, for in-
stance, which shocks some to the point of apoplexy…So it shouldn’t
be too big of a surprise that I saw It’s a Wonderful Life for the first time
last night…The Wife has been a big fan of it for a long time and it still
made her weep at times.

I have seen Fletch 53 times, however.
Officially, I “Really Liked” It’s A Wonderful Life, which is a pretty
high rating on the unofficial Sparrow Movie Rating Scale…We ate like
crap, too, with me getting hot dogs and macaroni and cheese and a
yummy for dessert.
This was the second date night in a row we couldn’t be bothered
to leave the house…I renewed my vow to get us out of the house for
date night before the year was out.

December 2
The cat was very enthusiastic during morning constitutional

scratches…She was up and ready in the bedroom when I got up,
though I faked her out somewhat by going back for my slippers be-
cause Lord knows Sparrow can’t have cold feet walking downstairs to
the can...She was in good humor, too, purring and letting me scratch
her tummy…Morning constitutional scratches remains the only time
the cat allows herself to be petted for more than a split-second without
objection from her.

Planned my lesson for tonight’s basketball refs meeting this week-
end...Tonight we are going to cover screening, post play, plus review
some definitions from the rule book. ..The high school season starts
this week.

30 The Diary of a Nobody

December 3
Our Christmas decorations this year are pretty piecemeal, hon-

estly…Today, though, we did buy the first piece in one of those holiday
villages, a cabin. It has porches on both the ground floor and the sec-
ond floor and it is on a living room table right now, along with the
small, fake Christmas tree we’ve been trotting out the past couple of
years…The Wife and I haven’t been married too long, and we are both
rather pleased at our new holiday tradition, because we are looking
forward to adding a new item each season and having a small town in
a few years.

December 4
Had some weather on the route yesterday. We started out with

good roads and even some patches of blue sky, but by late morning it
was snowing and pretty good, too, though it didn’t get cold enough to
stick until late afternoon…This was not the original forecast, either,
which more or less called for snow for every part of the state all god-
damned day…This is not an isolated incident, either, cause it is not
the Upset of the Year for forecasters to be somewhat, or even com-
pletely, off the mark, when anything more complicated than scattered
clouds is called for.

Despite the cold, Brian delivered doilies all day without a jacket! I
am not making that up. You get pretty used to the cold, just like I was
pretty used to – though eventually sick of – the extreme heat, but
Brian declined to use his company-issued jacket. It’s a heck of a
jacket, too, as our company issues first class gear…This was almost
funny because I was wearing mine while driving because we don’t keep
the heater on too high in the truck.

Like I have a few recent Tuesdays, I fasted yesterday. My last meal
was dinner Monday and my next one will be whenever the wife decides
to make some hot cereal this morning…I’m not Lao Tzu or the Dali
Lama or anything like that, but I’ve found it is a rather thoughtful
time going without eating…I started doing it, though, because all I do
on Tuesdays is sit around on my duff all day driving a truck eating
sandwiches...I tried to cut back, but I found it was easier to eat noth-
ing at all than to eat just a little bit.

December 2013 31

This is kinda reminiscent of a prime rib joint in Vegas. In the bar
they have these potato chips that are really good…Kettle chips or
something like that and I could never have a few of them, I was always
having one or two bowls and not having any appetite for a five pound
hunk of prime rib and I found it was easier not to have any at all than
to have just a couple of them.

In other news, The Wife is going in for a colonoscopy tomorrow
and in preparation for that she has fasted since yesterday afternoon
and for the past couple of hours been drinking a glass of some colon
cleaner-outer…It’s doing its work well, too, as she has been trotting,
so to speak, to the can pretty regularly…The Wife also reports she is
tired of drinking eight ounces of liquid every ten minutes, too…And
it’s every ten minutes, make no mistake about that…I take The Wife’s
health seriously and I have a timer set to ten minutes exactly to make
sure we stay on schedule.

The first below zero temps of the season are already here…The low
last night was twelve and the high today was eight, a phenomenon I
still don’t completely understand, and it was minus five (5) out when
I took the dog out tonight and she didn’t like minus five at all…Several
times she just stopped, refusing to go any further, and from time to
time she would head home, but I kept her out there because I wanted
poops out of her, but she wasn’t in the mood.

I was warm…The red union suit made its first appearance of the
season, underneath the really first class arctic gear, so I was pretty
toasty…Plugged the car’s engine heater in, too, for the first time…Win-
ter can be a pain in the neck, but I spent an awful long time living in
the extreme heat, so I’m not complaining…Too much, at least.

December 5
Got the first high school basketball games in the books tonight…I

provided chauffer services, too, Driving Rick and John down…We all
had two games…Rick worked with Elvis and Bill in the main gym at
6pm, while John and I had a JV game in the back…In the nightcap,
it would be Rick, John and I in the main gym.

32 The Diary of a Nobody

John and I got our game done in a timely manner…It was neither
memorable nor particularly difficult…Getting our second game in,
though, was every official’s nightmare….The games were part of a
tournament and the main gym was way behind schedule…John and
I were sitting in the stands, with Elvis’ wife, watching the end of the
first game…Or, more accurately, what we thought was the end of the
first game, because after a missed free throw and pretty clutch basket
with half a second left the game was tied and they were going to over-
time…To signal my disapproval I stood up, folded my arms across my
chest, frowned and nodded my head solemnly…There had been over-
time in an earlier game, too, and our last game started an hour late.

The drive was challenging…The road was a hockey rink and it is
usually 45 minutes from where I picked Rick and John up to but it
took an hour and fifteen minutes to get down there and even longer
on the way back in the dark…Rick and John are both high school ag
teachers and I got some good, practical advice on encountering elk on
the road…First, Rick said if you honk far enough away they’ll gener-
ally back away from the road, though if you’re too close they will prob-
ably jump in front of you…John told me not to worry about running
into them on the drive home because when it’s 15 below they are usu-
ally ‘hunkered down’ someplace warm.

Both were right, too…We encountered some elk off to the left and
I honked when I first saw them and the whole family trotted away, and
we didn’t see any others on the drive home.

December 6
I have spent most of the last two days driving on ice. This demands

a high level of skill and concentration. I am tired.

December 7
It took 30 years or so, but I was able to finally trot out a line a

Navy buddy used when I was buying a car from him...We were sta-
tioned in San Diego and Bob was selling me his VW Rabbit…We were
at the DMV and the lady at the window told me I needed the old license
plates so I trotted out to Bob, who was still in the car.

December 2013 33

Sparrow: We have to take off the plates.
Bob, in that deadpan, droll way he has: With what, our looks?
All right, maybe it wasn’t Line of the Year or anything…It helps to
know Bob, but good luck with that I heard he died a few years
back…But I liked it, so I filed it away for future use.
Patience is a virtue…Yesterday Brian and I are meeting with a
route from the branch picking up the doilies we will be deliver-
ing…One of the things the branch sent up were the new license plates
for our truck…They had, however, failed to send up an implement to
accomplish this task with. We’re a doily delivery truck not a god-
damned mobile repair service so we didn’t have the required screw
driver.
Brian, tossing the new plates on the dash: The branch wants us to
take off the old plates.
Sparrow: With what, our looks?
Word for word, nailed it, dead solid perfect, without missing a beat.
I could sense Bob was there, too, looking over my shoulder.
Recall Tuesday we established that Brian will not wear a jacket
when it’s 32 and snowing…Today we did establish however, he will
wear a jacket when it is five below…We have all winter to find out
where in between these two points his threshold is.
Usually I deliver on Friday’s but after our long day Brian had to
drive three hours for his reserve duty this weekend and last week he
announced he would be delivering today…All right, I don’t particularly
care, and even if I did it’s his route, too…It was a long day behind the
wheel…We pulled out at 6am and didn’t park the truck at the Bat
Cave till almost 10pm…Of the 500 miles we – I – drove 350 of them
had to have been on ice…The roads were that bad.
Fortunately, I am a good driver…There are a lot of factors key to
being a good driver in lousy conditions, the first being keeping a safe
distance between you and whoever’s in front of you…You must leave
yourself room to maneuver when the whack job in front of you does
something silly…Going dead slow isn’t going to help if you’re tapping
the bumper of the car ahead of you…The company’s rule of thumb is
to remain four seconds behind the vehicle in front, but sometimes that
isn’t even enough…I timed once and I was a full seven seconds behind

34 The Diary of a Nobody

this truck once, at 40 miles per hour on a road that would’ve been
more appropriate for a Zamboni.

Second is going a safe speed, and this speed is usually slower than
you think…Your basic survival instincts usually serve you well here,
actually…

Third – and this is really important, too – is never doing anything
suddenly, be it steering, braking or accelerating.

Problems come when you look behind you and you see you’re hold-
ing people up…Key is to say “so what” because they aren’t your prob-
lem, getting home safely is your problem and I personally feel that
most people behind you probably appreciate your safe driving…Those
that don’t can sit on it.

For lunch today The Wife made a casserole made up of assorted
stuff left over from the holiday: some turkey, potatoes, celery, carrots,
cheese and sour cream…She even made a box of stuffing that some-
how didn’t get used…Her comment as she served it:

This might be good.
The Wife is such a card…It was really good, though it’s a pretty
good bet I’ll like anything with melted cheese and sour cream in it.

December 8
The Wife is starting a new diet here soon, the details of which ap-

pear to be eating as much like a caveman as possible…The Wife added
this means eating “as close to the source” as possible. My does-that-
means-it’s-better-to-dine-in-instead-of-taking-out line was found
moderately funny.

The diet hasn’t started yet, though, and The Wife made Sunday
morning hotcakes…This battle will never end…She made her usual
7,325 molecule-sized hotcakes, instead of the two big ones a growing
boy like me needs…She also snarled at the three sunny-side up I put
on top, wondering aloud why I didn’t just put them on my hotcakes
immediately after cracking them.

The truth is I am open to over-easy eggs, however I am unable to
flip eggs over without having to towel off , so I just go sunny-side up.

December 2013 35

December 9
You know, I really like winter, but boy it sure is labor intensive,

and it takes a while to get back into the swing of adding a half hour
to your morning to get the car ready and yourself out the door…Got
the snow tires put on today, too, and only six (6) weeks after we put
The Wife’s on…This is the third winter for these and like I suspected,
the guy at the tire store said I will probably need new ones next year.

The work truck is getting really hard to start in the morning,
too…One day last week it wouldn’t start at all, obliging us to call our
close and dear friends at the local towing company to help us
out…Fortunately we have them on speed dial and they had Brian and
I on the road within an hour.

Bonser over for a visit tonight…He allowed how he things snow
tires are just one big racket…I allowed that he had a point, to an ex-
tent…Snow tires do not allow you drive however the hell you want in
the winter, but they do make a three to five percent difference, if you
ask me, which isn’t all that great, but they could save you in a
pinch…Plus they are good piece of mind.

Bonser’s main talking point tonight, though, was the goddamned
government…Evidently his health insurer sent him a letter saying his
coverage was being cancelled because it didn’t meet the new federal
standards…Bonser runs a shop in town and provides his own insur-
ance and now he has to find new coverage…Our state has its own site
and Bonser said the rates weren’t too bad if you don’t mind bending
over and taking it up the ass.

Bonser asked for my two cents on this fiasco and though I tend to
stay out of political discussions I did say I didn’t really see the point
to the government making us buy anything, be it health insurance or
dairy products.

That wasn’t the correct answer at all, sympathy being more what
Bonser wanted to hear, and he pointed out such a view was rich com-
ing from someone who went to a VA doctor on his dime once a year…I
laughed, cause it was pretty funny, and noted, not for the first time,
that I pay for my VA care though, honestly, I don’t pay a whole hell of
a lot for it…Bonser, intent on being a pest, asked – again, not for the
first time – how much my annual goddamned physical cost, which I

36 The Diary of a Nobody

also found funny…I shrugged and told him – again, not for the first
time – that I wasn’t sure but it can’t be more than $50 and probably
is half that…The Wife pays the bills, though I do know a prescription
for some toe fungus a couple of years ago cost nine bucks a month…I
told Bonser I’d keep an eye out for the bill and keep him posted.

Bonser asked why I thought the government had some zero busi-
ness making its citizens buy health insurance…Well, I said, we’re a
liberty country…Our government shouldn’t be doing that…I mean, I
should be free to buy or not buy whatever I see fit…If I want to get
sick and die, that’s my business, although I want to point out I don’t
really want to get sick and die…Bonser, playing devil’s advocate more
than anything because this isn’t the first time we’ve discussed this,
said health care is pretty important, maybe there’s a place for the gov-
ernment to do something.

Look, I am not a politician...I’m just a guy trying to make it
work…But Bonser seemed genuinely curious, so I thought about it
some…Bonser kept quiet, too, which is one of Bonser’s great traits,
the ability to keep his mouth shut when Sparrow is thinking…After a
bit I said food and shelter is pretty important, too, and the government
doesn’t mandate where I live or what I buy at the store.

Bonser pursed his lips and chewed on that for a bit, before allow-
ing that I had a pretty good point.

December 10
The sneak-a-cup feature on our coffee pot – which allows Sparrow

to get a cup of coffee while the hot, wonderfully caffeinated beverage
is still brewing – is broken…It doesn’t matter, really, I’ll still steal a
cup, but it’s nice to do so without leaving a mess.

This always reminds me of back in the bachelor days when my late
brother came to live with me to try and make a go of it and I had a
coffee pot without sneak-a-cup technology which didn’t stop my late
brother from pouring a cup and making a complete mess…I usually
start pouring fairly late in the brewing process, though, so the mess
is usually just a few drops on the burner, not a complete flood.

December 2013 37

Something else I forgot to mention during my Safe Driving class
earlier this week was paying proper respect to downgrades and
curves…You never know…As noted, one of Sparrow’s Key’s To Winter
Driving is not doing anything suddenly, and hills and curves provide
good opportunities for just that…Key here is to take your foot off the
gas well before you are in the curve or heading downhill because
sometimes even a little braking could set you skidding.

The past couple of weeks we’ve established that Brian will not wear
a jacket at 32 degrees with snow, but will wear one below zero…Tues-
day it was about 12 or 15 or so for most of the route and Brian didn’t
wear one, except for towards the end of the run when we started to
lose the sun…He is braver than me.

December 11
So we’re on the route today and we stop to fuel up so I trot into

the convenience store for a coffee…I get to the coffee machine and I
see the hot cocoa dispenser and decide some hot chocolate would be
nice so I wander over to the specialty drink dispenser and right next
to it a dispenser for a Double Fudge Brownie drink.

My question: who in the hell was demanding a double fudge
brownie beverage???...There isn’t enough creamy chocolaty goodness
in hot cocoa???

It wasn’t too bad, either, but boy, that is a lot of chocolate…I didn’t
finish it.

In other exciting route news, earlier today some ding dong tried to
take my doily delivery bag!!!...I am not making that up…I walked in
and the customer actually reached for it…What an idiot…I am not
Jackie Chan, but I can defend myself, and if I can’t my Smith&Wesson
.40 can…I told him, sternly, to back off, and he said he was just joking
and I said do not joke like this again.

Which is true…Messing with doily deliveryman is not funny in any
context at any time…We are trained to defend ourselves from a variety
of threats and even if you’re an idiot playing a harmless prank reach-
ing for my bag is a threat…Fortunately, all I needed to do was back
away and the threat was over, but had it not been I was ready to take
it to the next level.

38 The Diary of a Nobody

I described him to Brian – older, scraggly beard, mostly gray hair
– and he says he knows him…Druggie Dave or something like
that…Brian says Druggie Dave has made finger pistol motions to him
from time to time.

December 12
The cat has slept with me the past couple of nights…She used to

do this pretty regularly, but got out of the habit…I really, really like
this…I read somewhere that cats only sleep where they feel safe and
warm, though I suspect this is just a ploy to get me to continue to
produce food.

I used to be a tosser and a turner sleeping, but The Wife cured me
of that…No matter the size of the bed, I get the same (small) sliver on
the left side, while she commandeers the rest of the goddamn
bed…This past summer though, she grew weary of sharing even the
sliver with me, so now we sleep in adjacent beds now which completely
rules…She can toss and turn to her hearts content while I, Sparrow,
sleep soundly and without interruption.

Got six basketball games to ref the next three days…I have two at
the high school today and Saturday, in their annual tournament, and
two out of town tomorrow…I am taking a sick day from work to do
those, because with two tournaments officials are brought in from out
of town and they need people.

December 13
Two of my partners last night, Matt and Brett, were from out of

town.
I am not too bad of a basketball official, but if you were to plot

their skill level on a graph and my skill level on a graph you would
have a line going straight down…They were that good…Matt espe-
cially…He’s still a kid….21, tall, disgustingly trim and the only reason
he isn’t doing college ball is the assigner probably wants his officials
looking older than the players…Brett’s main sport is football, which
he works collegiately, so he knows how to officiate, too.

December 2013 39

There was an example of really good coaching in the first game…It
was a girl’s game and I was on the sideline near a bench for a free
throw when the coach called a player over.

The first thing she did was tell her how well she was playing, de-
fense in particular, and how she was generally having a good
game…Then she pointed out, rather kindly, the couple of things she
could be doing better.

Boy, I never had coaches say that to me…I saw her after the game
in the hospitality room and I mentioned it and she said thank you.

The hospitality room gets high marks…Lots of tasty, fattening food
that does an official some zero good between basketball games, and it
was closed by the time our final game ended so I wasn’t able to enjoy
any of it, but a good hospitality room is good for morale.

The second game involved the local team and they had a pretty
good student turnout because the hockey and wrestling teams had
the night off…I worked with Brett and Chris, who you might recall,
made me work overtime in a game last month…We’ve established that
Chris is better than me, so I was the weak link all night, which results
in a pretty well-officiated game because I’m not too bad.

I took the day off from delivering doilies and I have two more today,
a couple of hours from here…Fortunately the weather and roads
should be good…We haven’t had snow for the past few days and the
temperatures are warming up so roads generally aren’t hockey rinks
anymore…It’s the same place I drove the guys to last week and the
hospitality room is OK, but not great.

Getting The Wife out the door for work this morning – while I am,
of course, selfishly enjoying a day off – I realized we lead the league in
portable coffee mugs…We have to have 7,325 of them on top of the
frig…We’re pretty enthusiastic coffee drinkers here, but we don’t drink
that much, for Pete’s sake.

December 14
Despite utilizing every Sparrow Driving Technique, I still ran into

a deer last night.