P O E K O K O M Y T R U E M E M O I R A Walk Through Hell
Welcome to My Life What Doesn’tKill You Make You Stronger The Survivor
Throughout this journey, I’ve walked solo on my own by balancing myself, wandering straight to my unending destination on my own lane. I went through hell which no one really acknowledged that it was the actual hell. However, life has taught me so much about life and it has shaped me the person who I became now. I know I am the strongest person I’v ever known. I’m glad that I finally chose life and now I’m alive.
The universe was so cruel that it took away my dearest and only mom. My world fell apart into zillion pieces, I was hopeless with devastation that there would be no one who would unconditionally love me like my mom. At the age of twelve, becoming an orphan was beyond unimaginable. A question that constantly came into my mind was, “Will I ever be loved again?” Love has become the missing piece of a thousand pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
In 2006, I was sent to study and lived in thr dormitory where there were hundreds of children living together. I first happily plunged into a new life which might bring the healing to the soul. I made many new friends and I found the place was harmonious and peacefu. I cherished every moment of it. The Beginning However, it was undeniable that there was still a missing piece in me. Living in this new world with new people, I felt like I had found the missing piece of me. My world had come to life again.
After a few months slowly had passed, it felt like a slap in the face, a betrayal of the fate, which unexpectedly turned my life upside dow. Many friends who I lived with under the same roof of the building, and ate with from the same pot had turned to strangers. What had I done wrong to them? Or what was wrong with me? I had no idea, because in my mind, I was a cool kid just like them. But I wasn’t to them, because I mostly hung out with girls and I was physically weak, not strong enough like them. They started to pick on me, fooled me around, They were many of them, just like a gang group. On the other hand, they were such smart kids, good at music, sport, academics and so on... Besides, they were the teachers’ pets. The old Poeko, the younger self. A Sudden Switch of Fate
What’s happening? The days had turned worse and worse... but why? Why me? All those boys who I considered friends became my foes and they tried to break me in any possible ways that they could. I was all alone, even I had many girl friends, they would not defend me from that bully group. Not only my friends bullied me but also my teachers. I couldn’t comprehend how this had to happen to me. Teachers are supposed to be the second parent to the students. It’s true, my teacher were the second parent to the bully group, but not to me. I was not in their good book. But it’s ok!
One fine morning, I walked to school to my class, out of the blue those bully boys came and grabbed my hands and legs. Then one pushed me on the dirty ground. I struggled to free myself. because I was very embarrassed in front of people. I cried for help but no one came to my rescue. I was angry how they treated me like that so I released more energy but didn’t work because they were many and stronger than me. I was embarrassed and cried my eyes out. One pressed my face on the ground hardly and squeezed my balls. I was in agony. Out of one side, my sight went across bystander and I saw one of my teacher. He didn’t do anythin, he just watched, and looked at me with a smile. I was completely heartbroken to see how our teacher didn’t stop them. The Bully
I was threatened by those bully, that they would take off my pants at night time while I slept. They would take photos of me naked. Then they would print out the photos and let everyone sees. I was petrified because I didn’t want to be humiliated. So at night, I put on all my pants and shorts because I believed that it would be hard for them to take off and during doing that, it would wake me up. However, with dread I had to sleep. Sometimes, I went classroom and slept there without a mosquito net. I was bitten by mosquitoes and I got malaria many times.The Fear of Night
I was trapped in the unending tunnel of bully. It was too dark and I could not find my way out. There was no one who came to my aid. I was desperately depressed, I did not enjoy this life anymore. I just needed Someone who I can trust but it was not easy to trust anyone. Everything was like a chain connected to each other. I wished my teachers would see this as a problem. But none of them saw it as a problem instead they did intensify it. Many of them came as a storm attacking me. My teachers didn’t like me even though I had done nothing wrong to them. They did not care me like other students. They treated me like I was a piece of trash. It hurt me so bad.
The Assembly Before morning classes started, we would always have morning assembly, all students gathered together and listened to what our teachers had to say. After the end of the message, our headmaster would specifically pick me as the target one to talk about in front of everyone. He said that I am the odd one who always brought shame to the school and ruined the dignity of the school. I was literally mortified and felt so tightly suffocated. He was verbally berating me, slamming me as he he wanted. As a powerless student, i had to listen, and culturally I was not able to talk back. I dared not to look at my friends and I just stayed quiet and listened to him. I was chocking not to show my disappointment or sadness even though my heart was crying.
Life is more precious when you realize that you matter and start to love yourself rather than pleasing others.