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Sign y inappropriate behaviour tygoers, ex-boyfriends, current boyfriend driver for any physical, financial or damage I may incur. GREE TO SPEND THE FIRST REE HOURS OF THE CHRISTMAS Y IN INCREASING DISCOMFORT, ring on agony, as a result of wearing Spanx. ept that by 10pm I will rip off said Spanx the toilets, and emerge sweaty, bare-legged and slightly saggier-bottomed. 3 SHOULD THIS PARTY INCLUDE A CHRISTMAS DINNER, I realise I am committed to having a stilted conversation over my meal with a middle-aged man from a department I’ve never heard of, and to whom I have never spoken before. I also accept that henceforth every time I encounter this man in the lift, I will studiously avoid eye contact and stare at my phone. 4 SHOULD I FEEL THE URGE TO CRY, I agree to do so in the toilets between the hours of 11pm and 1am. During this time I can legitimately expect several friends to active, that he does fancy e bottles of Evian. ns of Mariah Carey’s All u be detected outside, cease and all parties ee below). 5 E OPENING BARS OF THE AFOREMENTIONED SONG, I promise to shove fellow guests out of my way in order to get to the dance floor. Once there, I agree to screech along to the high notes in unison with someone I have only just met. 6I FULLY UNDERSTAND THE CONSEQUENCES of texting my ex from my Uber home to wish him a merry Christmas and, furthermore, of adding,‘I miss you so much,’ on hearing East 17’s Stay Another Day being played on Magic FM. When he fails to reply, I will not ask the cab driver to pretend to be my new boyfriend on his voicemail. 7IF I CHOOSE TO PURCHASE A KEBAB AT 3AM, I agree that any friends made in the kebab shop will stay in the kebab shop, and that I will not try to befriend Kebab Shop Steve on Facebook when I get in. Additional social-media disclaimer: I promise to post a selfie as I squinch under some mistletoe, hashtagged #Christmascountdown. I acknowledge that the next day I will wonder A) where I was and B) what was I thinking? from all lia colleagues, e and Uber d romantic PART bo I a The following declaration hereby absolves the undersigned of responsibility for an I AM VOLUNTARILY PARTICIPATING IN A CHRISTMAS PARTY. I am aware of the risks associated with taking part in this activity, which include (but are not limited to): awkward conversations with my boss, dancingrelated injuries, regrettable sexual activity, blisters ilitating weekday hangover. In exchange ion in the Christmas Party, I release reassure me that I am attr me, and to bring me little However, should the strai I Want For Christmas Is You crying must immediately should exit the lavatory (s ON HEARING THE T E COSMOP LI A CONTRACT an a d for particip i f ll l b Note to self: I will NOT be the first person on the dance floor… ned: (prospective Christmas partygoer) THE LAST WORD 250 BY FRANCESCA MacCARTHY. PHOTOGRAPHS GETTY, ISTOCK