Reader's Digest

SSFSTTEOSRLRIRAMFTE-GPCESLEAGESRTIEE:S CANADA’S NOVEMBER 2020
PAGE 72 MOST-READ
MAGAZINE

ONE FUNNY COUNTRY

THE BEST

CANADIAN

JOKESEVER!PAGE30

FRIENDLY
VIRUSES:

A MEDICAL
CONTROVERSY

PAGE 86

How Casseroles
Healed My Family

PAGE 52

Wild West: Rodeos
and Romance

PAGE 76

Robbie Robertson’s
Rock Saga

PAGE 44

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reader’s digest

CONTENTS

© 2020, LEAH HENNEL Features 44 52

30 profile heart

cover story Mr. Legendary Cooking Through Grief

ONE FUNNY COUNTRY Robbie Robertson After her husband died,
penned some of the my mother-in-law
Who is the most hilari- most memorable songs found solace in sharing
ous of them all? Survey in rock. More than his favourite meals.
these cross-Canada four decades later,
zingers, gags and he reflects on his wild BY WENDY LITNER
jests—and judge days with the Band.
for yourself. 56
BY JASON McBRIDE
BY ROSIE LONG DECTER FROM TORONTO LIFE drama in real life
AND COURTNEY SHEA
Sky Fall
76
When Walter Osipoff’s
parachute caught on the
plane’s tail, leaving him
dangling high above San
Diego, his only hope was
a daring mid-air rescue.

BY VIRGINIA KELLY

on the cover:
illustration by paul g. hammond

rd.ca 1

reader’s digest

64 72 76

society life lesson society

After the Earthquake The Benefits Westworld
of Self-Care
I didn’t know what I In her new book Along
was getting myself into Simple ways to boost the Western Front, the
when I volunteered your resiliency during photographer Leah
to help at a hospital tough times. Hennel captures the
in Haiti—or how it ranches, rodeos and
would change my life. BY KATE CARRAWAY romance of Southern
and Central Alberta.
BY ANDREW FUREY
FROM HOPE IN THE BALANCE 84

humour

I Accidentally
Bought a Bag of
No-Purpose Flour

BY SOPHIE KOHN

86

editors’ choice

The Good Virus

Way back in 1917, a
Canadian scientist pio-
neered phage therapy.
The tiny bacteria-eaters
may hold the answer to
today’s increasingly
powerful superbugs.

BY MARK CZARNECKI
FROM MAISONNEUVE

86 NIK WEST

NEW SERIES

OCT 5 | MON 8/8:30 NT

reader’s digest

Departments Humour

6 Editor’s Letter 51
8 Contributors Laughter, the Best
9 Letters
20 Points to Ponder Medicine
55 World Wide Weird
62
big idea As Kids See It

12 Breast Friend 97
Down to Business
How an Ontario
doctor is improv- ask an expert 18 (AMY TAN) LAUREN TAMAKI; (HOUSE FIRE) CLAYTON HANMER
ing women’s can-
cer care. 16 How Do Masks health
Protect Me?
BY LAUREN McKEON 22 Body, Heal Thyself
We ask family
4 november 2020 physician and Why do wounds
Masks4Canada mend more slowly
organizer Amy Tan. as we age?

BY COURTNEY SHEA BY CHRISTINA FRANGOU

fact check 24 News From the
World of Medicine
18 The Truth About
House Fires BY SAMANTHA RIDEOUT

BY ANNA-KAISA WALKER 27 What’s Wrong
With Me?
16
A medical mystery
resolved.

BY LISA BENDALL

puzzles

98 Brainteasers
100 Trivia
101 Word Power
103 Sudoku
104 Crossword

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reader’s digest

EDITOR’S LETTER

Just for
Laughs

Asense of humour is serious such long winters would be a lot more
business in this country. Before stressful without their jokes.
the pandemic cancelled fun, it
was hard to find a town untouched by Because we all could use a good
the bug of comedy tours, stand-up and laugh this year, this issue’s cover story
improv clubs, and that local har-dee- (page 30) collects some of the best
har guy everyone hires to emcee their one-liners, gags and zingers by and for
wedding. The Canadian Association Canadians. Here’s the thing: the jokes
of Stand-up Comedians estimates that are divided by province and territory.
seven national tours and 26 comedy
festivals were postponed this summer— East-coasters have long held the title
or scrapped altogether. of funniest among us. Is it still
true? It’s up to you to decide.
This especially hurts because
comedy is so intertwined with P.S. You can reach
Canada’s identity. Ask someone me at [email protected].
anywhere in the world to name a
famous Canadian, and their DANIEL EHRENWORTH
answers will be skewed
to the Jim Carreys, Martin
Shorts, Samantha Bees,
Wayne and Shusters, Dan
Aykroyds and Lilly Singhs.
They’re our star system,
our truth-tellers and our
collective release valve.
Living in a country with

6 november 2020

PUBLISHED BY THE READER’S DIGEST MAGAZINES CANADA LIMITED, MONTREAL, CANADA

Christopher Dornan chairman of the board
James Anderson publisher

Barbara Robins vice president and legal counsel
Mark Pupo editor-in-chief

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executive editor, associate art director Danielle Sayer

digital Brett Walther graphic designer Pierre Loranger
senior editors Megan Jones, content operations

Micah Toub manager Lisa Pigeon
associate editor Robert Liwanag circulation director Edward Birkett
contributing editor Samantha Rideout
contributors: Lisa Bendall, Linda Besner, Kate
proofreader Katie Moore Carraway, Natalie Castellino, Joren Cull, Mark
senior researcher Lucy Uprichard Czarnecki, Rosie Long Decter, Daniel Ehrenworth,
Christina Frangou, Andrew Furey, Paul G. Hammond,
researchers Nour Abi-Nakhoul, Ali Clayton Hanmer, Leah Hennel, Virginia Kelly,
Amad, Martha Beach,Rosie Roderick Kimball, Sophie Kohn, Wendy Litner, Jason
Long Decter, Beth McBride, Barbara Olson, Yasin Osman, Salini Perera,
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Showler, Leslie Sponder Shea, Mike Shiell, Beth Shillibeer, Suzannah Showler,
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Harkness, Richard Johnson
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THE READER’S DIGEST ASSOCIATION (CANADA) ULC

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Bonnie Kintzer president and chief executive officer
Raimo Moysa editor-in-chief, international magazines

VOL. 197, NO. 1,174 Copyright © 2020 by Reader’s Digest Magazines We acknowledge
Canada Limited. Reproduction in any manner in whole or in part in English or with gratitude the
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rd.ca 7

reader’s digest

CONTRIBUTORS

ALICIA WYNTER WENDY LITNER

Photographer, Waterloo, Ont. Writer, Toronto

“Breast Friend” “Cooking Through
Grief ”
Wynter often shoots
portrait photography, and she loves Writing is how Litner copes and
the chance to learn about her subjects’ processes her emotions. Often, she
lives. Her work has been published doesn’t quite know how she feels
in the Waterloo Region Record, the about something until she writes it
Toronto Sun, the Toronto Star and down. Her work has been published
Chatelaine. Her photography has been in Today’s Parent, The Globe and Mail
nominated for a Black Canada Award, and CBC.ca, and you can find her lat-
and in 2019 she was a finalist for Shoot est personal story, about connecting
The Face, a monthly photo contest. with her family during the pandemic,
Check out her work on page 13. on page 52.

PAIGE STAMPATORI LAUREN McKEON

Illustrator, Cambridge, Ont. Writer, Toronto

“Body, Heal Thyself” “Breast Friend”

Stampatori finds illus- RD deputy editor (McKEON) YULI SCHEIDT
trating for magazines and newspapers McKeon didn’t set out to cover gen-
provides her with uniquely exciting der and women’s issues. But once she
opportunities to stay on top of cur- started, she couldn’t quit—she saw
rent events and to collaborate with there are too many urgent stories that
fellow creative types. Stampatori’s need to be told. Her work has won
illustrations have appeared in the National Magazine Awards and Digi-
Washington Post, Wine Enthusiast tal Publishing Awards, and her book,
and the Georgia Straight, among No More Nice Girls, was released this
other publications. See her latest past spring by House of Anansi. Read
work on page 22. her latest story on page 12.

8 november 2020

LETTERS

PUBLISHED LETTERS ARE EDITED FOR LENGTH AND CLARITY POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT EYESORE
My wife was always happy when she About 10 years ago, I cancelled my
found a copy of Reader’s Digest Canada subscription and instead opted to go
at her doctor’s office, so we subscribed. to the store and buy single copies every
As a whole, I think the magazine does month. Last week, though, I did some-
a great job of keeping content light and thing I’ve never done before: I picked up
sensitive to readers. I encourage you to the magazine at a local Walmart and,
make sure that you celebrate Canadian before I reached the checkout, ripped
success stories even more—there are out the pages of “The Boy With a Spike
lots of those. In light of what the world in His Head” (September 2020). I had
has been through in 2020, good news decided then and there that I couldn’t
is what folks need today. bring myself to read that story.
— DOUG BROAD, Toronto — RON BROWNSBERGER, Whitchurch-
Stouffville, Ont.
SAFETY FIRST
I enjoyed reading “P.M. Dad” (June
2020) by Justin Trudeau. I was alarmed,
however, by the accompanying photo-
graph of the prime minister throwing
Xavier, his then-two-year-old son, up in
the air. I cringe to think of the potential
danger had he not caught him!
— NELLIE P. STROWBRIDGE, Pasadena, NL

CONTRIBUTE FOR SERVICE TO SUBSCRIBERS Pay your bill, view your account
Send us your funny jokes and anecdotes, and if we publish one in a print online, change your address and browse our FAQs at rd.ca/contact.
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rd.ca 9





reader’s digest

BIG IDEA

How an Ontario doctor is
improving women’s cancer care

Breast Friend

BY Lauren McKeon

photograph by alicia wynter

E ARLIER THIS YEAR, Chetna Bhatt, Richard, who is 59 years old, traces
a 55-year-old information man- her start as a breast-cancer guru to the
ager in London, Ont., received moment she learned, while training in
a diagnosis of triple-negative breast palliative care, that a typical mastec-
cancer—a rare form of the disease that tomy is a day procedure. The thought
doesn’t respond to typical treatment. chilled her—similarly invasive surgeries,
She had plenty of questions and even including for prostate cancer, require
more fears. When she visited her fam- significantly longer stays. “A woman
ily doctor, she found him to be less would come in after breakfast and go
than helpful, even dismissive. An home for lunch without a breast,” she
acquaintance suggested she contact says. “It just seemed wrong to me.”
Annette Richard, a local GP with a
national reputation for helping women So Richard did something few doc-
with breast cancer prepare for one of tors bother to do: she asked women
the most trying ordeals of their lives. how they felt about it. In addition to
interviewing patients, she scrubbed

12 november 2020

Dr. Annette Richard
helps women adjust
to the reality of living
with breast cancer.

reader’s digest

into mastectomy surgeries, reviewed patients with a 3D structure of the mas-
abnormal findings and sat in on call- tectomy site. Women can review the
backs after mammography tests. Her details whenever they want and, impor-
discoveries were discouraging. Of all tantly, adjust to the idea of their new
cancers, breast cancer is the most com- body, mitigating the “reveal” on their
mon one among women. In 2019 alone, own time. “My mission,” Richard says,
an estimated 26,900 Canadian women “is coming up with ways to put power
were diagnosed. Richard was struck at and knowledge in the patient’s hands.”
how inadequate the system was when
it came to supporting women through In the months after Bhatt reached
this all-too common disease. out, Richard gave her advice and sup-
port on matters big (a home visit during
“MY MISSION IS TO the height of COVID-19 to help Bhatt
PUT POWER AND administer a post-radiation injection)
KNOWLEDGE IN THE and small (recommending an afford-
PATIENT’S HANDS.” able numbing cream for the painful
biopsy procedure). Bhatt has since met
While she may not have been able many other breast-cancer patients,
to change the hospital turnaround including several who received che-
time for mastectomies, Richard could motherapy alongside her. The differ-
at least better prepare women for sur- ence in care wasn’t lost on her. “She’s
gery and how their bodies would heal been there, literally holding my hand,
and change. She founded FACE IT (the through everything,” Bhatt says. “There
acronym stands for focused anxiety- should be more women like Dr. Rich-
reducing community-based empow- ard helping women through this
ering individual teaching), and started scary journey.”
making house calls with a rigged-up
CPR model. Using skin-like material Richard has now coached and cared
to mimic an after-mastectomy torso, for hundreds of women. What would
Richard carefully walked women and make her happiest is if her approach
their partners through the procedure. became the norm. In her view, all
women deserve holistic, interconnected
Today, Richard relies on an anatomy care, whether it’s prepping for surgery,
app that doctors and medical students taking extra time for radiation treat-
typically use for things like bone map- ments, or helping them decide on nip-
ping and surgical planning. The app ple reconstruction. It’s something any
allows her to provide breast-cancer doctor can do; all it takes is a new mind-
set. “Because really,” she says, “cancer
and bad care can both seriously wreck
somebody’s life.”

14 november 2020

IMPORTANT
SWEEPSTAKES MESSAGE

AND YOU!
Marisa Orsini,
Marketing Promotions Administrator

As Marketing Promotions Administrator, I’m often asked if the Sweepstakes
you see in our promotions are real. To reassure you beyond any doubt of the
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reader’s digest

ASK AN EXPERT

How Do Masks
Protect Me?

We ask family physician
and Masks4Canada
organizer Amy Tan

BY Courtney Shea

illustration by lauren tamaki

Most Canadians agree masks help to we were still looking at masks in terms
prevent the spread of COVID-19, but of their potential to protect the wearer.
can you review how that works? But now we know that the chief pur-
Scientific evidence has shown that if pose of wearing a cloth mask is not to
80 per cent of the population wears a keep the coronavirus out, but to keep
reusable cloth mask, the spread of your own droplets in.
COVID-19 in the community decreases
by 40 per cent. That kind of decrease is So what should I be looking for in an
enough to make it so the number of ideal mask?
cases isn’t growing exponentially. That’s
extremely significant. It’s why we need
a high level of public buy-in.

Because my mask protects you and
your mask protects me?
Exactly. In the early stages of COVID,

16 november 2020

A mask made of tight-weave, high- size fits all; then they try one, find it’s
thread-count cotton is good. But uncomfortable and give up. But that’s
don’t get too hung up on the best not how it works.
mask. This is not about perfection; it’s
about decreasing risk. If my mask I’ve heard of people wearing masks in
contains the majority of my droplets, their own homes. Is that over the top?
then your risk—both of getting the With outbreaks in your family, we tell
virus and how severe a case—is a lot people to self-isolate and to not share
less significant. a bathroom, but not everyone has that
option. In cases where you are at
What can you tell us about proper greater risk, a mask offers an extra
mask cleaning protocol? layer of protection. If you invite guests
You want to wash your mask at the end inside your home who aren’t in your
of every day. A washing machine is bubble, then you should definitely all
ideal, but you can also just use soap wear masks.
and hot water, in the same way that
you would wash your hands. Always THIS IS NOT ABOUT
wash your hands before you touch your PERFECTION. IT’S
mask, and only put it on or remove it ABOUT DECREASING
by the ear loops or ties. EVERYONE’S RISK.

For those of us whose laundry ham- When we are on the other side of
pers have been full since spring, are this pandemic (knock on wood!), will
disposable masks a good option? mask wearing become more broadly
The white and blue disposable masks accepted as a safety measure in
that you see a lot of people wearing are North America?
effective in terms of capturing droplets. I don’t know if it will be embraced by
I recommend reusable cotton because the entire population, but I do hope
it’s better for the environment and it’s that it becomes a normalized reaction
a lot more cost-effective than having to when, or if, we encounter another SARS
constantly replenish your supply. or COVID-19. If we hadn’t been argu-
ing about masks in May and early June,
How should your mask fit? it would have made a significant differ-
My big tip is to look for a mask that ence. I hope we will learn from this
fits your nose—tight without being uphill battle.
uncomfortable—so that you don’t have
to worry about it falling down all the
time. People assume masks are one

rd.ca 17

reader’s digest 1 Four in 10 fatal house
fires occur between
FACT CHECK 10 p.m. and 7 a.m.,
when most residents are
The Truth About asleep. “Make sure you
House Fires have working smoke
alarms on every storey
BY Anna-Kaisa Walker and outside every sleep-
ing area,” says Ryan
illustration by clayton hanmer Betts, spokesperson for
the Office of the Fire
18 november 2020 Marshal of Ontario.

2 Test smoke alarms
monthly. “Vacuum
around the alarm to
clear any dust that could
block the smoke sensor,”
says Betts. Replace the
battery twice a year and
replace the alarm itself
by its expiry date.

3 Closing your bed-
room door while you
sleep may help firefight-
ers save your life. “A
bedroom with a closed
door will heat up to 37 C,
versus 500 C outside
the door,” says Cynthia
Ross Tustin, president
of the Ontario Associa-
tion of Fire Chiefs.

4 Carbon-monoxide
gas, which you can’t
see or smell, is a leading

cause of accidental poi- “When an alarm sounds, says Tustin. “Tell the
soning deaths in North head straight outside, dispatcher which unit
America. Have fuel- gather at your meeting you can be found in.”
burning appliances point and call 911 from
serviced annually—if there,” says Tustin. 11 Cooking mishaps
they malfunction or are are the leading
poorly vented, they can 8 To help the fire cause of residential fires.
potentially emit CO, department find “Always have a tight-
causing confusion and you, your house number fitting pot lid handy to
nausea at low levels should be clearly visible. smother the flames,”
and killing you within 20 If your house is far from says Betts. “Never throw
minutes at high levels. the road, have the num- water on a cooking fire.”
ber displayed at the end The heat from the water
5 Install a CSA- or of the driveway. can trigger an explosion
UL-approved of flaming grease.
carbon-monoxide 9 Condo dwellers
detector on each floor of should study their 12 If covering the
your home. To prevent building’s fire-safety pot doesn’t help,
false alarms, keep them plan. “If the alarm sys- use a fire extinguisher.
at least 14.5 feet away tem has voice prompts, Remember the acro-
from gas appliances. you’ll be instructed nym PASS—(P)ull the
whether to stay put or pin, (A)im the nozzle,
6 Forty years ago, you exit by the emergency (S)queeze the trigger
had an average of 15 stairs,” says Betts. “Don’t and (S)weep the nozzle
to 17 minutes to escape try to take the eleva- from side to side. “In
a house fire. Now, with tors—they’ll be recalled the meantime, some-
synthetic materials and to the ground floor.” one else should be call-
open floor plans, you ing 911,” says Tustin.
have an average of two 10 If you have mobil-
to three minutes before ity issues, you’re 13 Smoke alarms that
the house is engulfed. responsible for inform- beep loudly may
ing your building man- not keep you safe. If you
7 Form an exit plan. agement that you’ll take sleeping pills or
Each bedroom need assistance in an are hearing impaired,
should have two possi- emergency. “If there is invest in an alarm sys-
ble exits, and a desig- a fire, call 911 yourself, tem with strobe lights
nated adult should help even if the fire depart- and a vibrating pad for
children or the elderly. ment is already there,” under your pillow.

rd.ca 19

reader’s digest

POINTS TO PONDER

I reflect on the solitude THE STORY OF WOMEN PHOTOS: (MAMAKWA) NDP; (BAILEY) COURTESY OF DONOVAN BAILEY; (OH) DPA PICTURE ALLIANCE/ALAMY STOCK PHOTO
of my presence in the IS ABSOLUTELY THE
legislature as a First Nations
MPP in Ontario, and I LONGEST REVOLUTION
cannot deny my loneliness. IN HISTORY. SO MANY
TIMES THE FINISH LINE
–Sol Mamakwa, MPP, Kiiwetinoong, BLURRED, AND SO MANY
TIMES HOPES SOARED.
IN MACLEAN’S
–Sally Armstrong, IN HER

FIRST CBC MASSEY LECTURE

AS YOU EXPERIMENT WITH YOUR VOICE—A HIGH NOTE, A LOW
NOTE—IT’S A DANCE BETWEEN YOUR HEART, YOUR MIND, YOUR

VOICE, AND YOUR EXPERIENCES.

–Shania Twain

The greatest thing about track and field
is that it’s not a vote. I run, I win, I am
the champ. I don’t need your vote.

–Donovan Bailey, TALKING ABOUT POTENTIALLY

RUNNING FOR PUBLIC OFFICE

In Canada it’s very, very different because
multiculturalism is very much mandated.
I knew what was possible because I got it from
the very beginning. Then I moved to Hollywood.

–Sandra Oh, DISCUSSING REPRESENTATION IN ENTERTAINMENT

The thought of moving away from sunny
California in February, in the middle of the school
year, to a French-speaking foreign city covered in
12 feet of snow was distressing, to say the least.

–Kamala Harris, REMEMBERING MOVING TO MONTREAL AT AGE 12

PHOTOS: (HARRIS) MAVERICK PICTURES/SHUTTERSTOCK.COM; (McDONALD) SHAWN GOLDBERG/SHUTTERSTOCK COMICS SKEW IT LOOKS LIKE MY LAST
THINGS IN A QUESTION PERIOD AS LEADER
DIFFERENT WAY, OF THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY
WHICH MEANS
THAT COMICS IS JUST LIKE MY FIRST:
WARM, SUNNY AND THE
ARE ODD PRIME MINISTER NOWHERE
PEOPLE AND IF
THEY WEREN’T TO BE FOUND.
FUNNY THEY
WOULD JUST BE –Andrew Scheer, ON HIS LAST DAY AS OPPOSITION LEADER
ODD PEOPLE.
I’m starving in solidarity with our children
–Kevin McDonald, FOUNDING who are starving. Literally some of them
are starving, but figuratively they’re also
MEMBER OF THE KIDS IN THE HALL
starving for equality.

–Métis fiddler and advocate Tristen Durocher,

ANNOUNCING HIS HUNGER STRIKE FOR INDIGENOUS
YOUTH SUICIDE PREVENTION LEGISLATION

Unless you come up against
obstacles, you’re not going to
learn something new. “What did
you learn today?” is a better line
than “What did you do today?”

–Farhan Thawar, VP of engineering at Shopify,

DISCUSSING THE POWER OF FAILURE

rd.ca 21

reader’s digest

HEALTH

Body, Heal
Thyself

Why do wounds mend
more slowly as we age?

BY Christina Frangou

illustration by paige stampatori

W HEN A KID gets a scrape, a can put us at higher risk for infection
kiss from their grown-up and and prolonged pain.
a day or two with a bandage
is usually all that’s needed. When it To repair a wound, the body embarks
happens to an adult, it takes more time on a complicated and spectacular pro-
to heal—in fact, a 40-year-old’s wound cess, recruiting a variety of cells to
can take twice as long as the identical work together to stop the bleeding,
wound on a 20-year-old. And the pro- then restore and rebuild the skin. And
cess slows more the older you get. as we age, changes in our bodies can
disrupt that process.
We’re all familiar with this phe-
nomenon, of course, but you might Our skin is put together like a three-
wonder what’s behind it. “We actually layer cake. At the top is the epider-
don’t have a complete answer,” admits mis, home of hair, freckles and wrin-
Dr. Dennis Orgill, medical director of kles. Only about half a millimetre thick
the Wound Care Center at Boston’s in places, it’s made up mostly of kera-
Brigham and Women’s Hospital. “But tinocytes, cells that slough off to be
in my experience, it’s a slow decline
from birth on.” That delay in healing

22 november 2020

replaced with younger, healthier Most notably, diabetes is linked to
ones—a turnover that slows as we get over 100 known contributors to delayed
older. We also lose lipids and amino wound healing, including hormone
acids in this layer with age, leading to disruption and altered collagen accu-
dry skin that’s prone to tearing. Bacte- mulation. This disease causes other
ria can get in through even the tiniest complications, too, that impede heal-
of slits in the skin, so seemingly small ing, like poor kidney function, vascular
cuts can take longer to heal. disease and neuropathy.

Just below the epidermis is the der- Even if you don’t have any of those
mis, which gives skin its thickness. The conditions, medications for other
dermis regulates our body’s tempera- afflictions—steroids and non-steroidal
ture and supplies the epidermis with anti-inflammatory drugs, chemother-
nutrient-rich blood. This layer houses apy and radiotherapy—can have the
blood vessels, lymph vessels, sweat and same slowing effect.
oil glands, and collagen, a protein that
gives your skin its elasticity and resil- Besides trying to dodge all those
ience. After turning 50, a person loses wound-delaying factors, there are some
approximately 1 per cent of collagen active measures you can take as you
a year—making its vital task in skin age to shore up your body’s power to
repair less effective. heal itself. Leading the list: avoid sun
damage and stop smoking. Moisturiz-
COMPLETE CELL ing regularly and staying hydrated can
TURNOVER help. Keep wounds moist by covering
them with a bandage. And, a somewhat
OCCURS EVERY surprising one: muscle strength can
aid with wound repair. Since physically
45 TO 50 DAYS inactive people lose between 3 and 8
per cent of muscle mass every decade
IN ELDERLY ADULTS. after age 30—and even more after 60—
it’s never too soon to start exercising.
But beyond skin changes, there are
other factors that can come with being Finally, there’s truth to the cliché that
alive for a while. Although not exclu- an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
sive to seniors, many diseases more “Remember the old days when people
common among older adults can delay on boats would get scurvy and have
healing—congestive heart failure, rheu- wounds that fell apart?” says Dr. Orgill.
matoid arthritis and chronic obstruct- If your cuts are healing slowly—at any
ive pulmonary disease. age—he suggests getting a lab test to
check for deficiencies in vitamins and
minerals like vitamin C and zinc.

rd.ca 23

reader’s digest

News from the Lack of Sleep ISTOCK.COM/KATARZYNABIALASIEWICZ
Hurts Teens’
WORLD OF Mental Health
MEDICINE
Does a teenager in your
BY Samantha Rideout family often have dark
circles under his or her
EXERCISES FOR BANISHING eyes? The teen years
LOWER BACK PAIN bring an array of new
threats to sleep, includ-
With so many people working from home—often ing the end of parent-
at ergonomically unsound, makeshift desks—it set bedtimes and a nat-
might seem like everyone is complaining about urally late sleep-wake
lower back pain. But there’s an easy cure: Lithua- cycle that doesn’t jibe
nian scientists have shown that regularly perform- with school schedules.
ing lumbar-stabilization exercises can be an effect- While inadequate sleep
ive way to get rid of the pain—and keep it away. may not seem like a big
These exercises strengthen the muscles that sup- deal, it can contribute
port the lower spine and facilitate safe spinal move- to mental-health issues.
ment. They include, for example, the double knees A study from the U.K.
to chest stretch, which is performed while lying on found that 15-year-olds
your back. Committing to a 45-minute program who were getting less
twice a week is all it takes. shut-eye on school
nights were signifi-
cantly more likely to
develop depression or
anxiety in their teens
or early 20s. Cognitive
behavioural therapy
for insomnia can help
families pinpoint and
address the underlying
causes, whether they’re
related to bad habits
just before bedtime—
screen time in the late
evening, for example—
or other factors.

24 november 2020

(MAN) ISTOCK.COM/WAVEBREAKMEDIA; (BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF) ISTOCK.COM/DEEPBLUE4YOU The Big Payoff of Even Mild Hits Blood-Pressure
a Good Stretch to the Head Can Meds Extend
Affect the Brain Life Even for
If limited mobility Frail Seniors
or COVID-19 social- Years’ worth of research
distancing measures leaves little doubt that Few clinical trials of new
have cut back your exer- repeated concussions medications include
cise opportunities, a are leading to irrevers- elderly people in poor
simple home stretching ible brain injuries, and overall health—an
routine can still boost even suicide, among unfortunate knowledge
your heart health. In a professional athletes gap. An exception was
recent Italian experi- who play contact a recent Italian study,
ment, participants who sports such as hockey, which looked at almost
performed a series of rugby and football. But 1.3 million seniors—
leg stretches five times what about the minor, with an average age of
a week for 12 weeks saw non-concussive head 76—who each had at
improvements in their impacts that are com- least three prescrip-
vascular function (their mon even for amateur tions for high blood
arteries’ ability to dilate players? Scientists at pressure. Compared to
and constrict) and in Western University in frail subjects who took
how stiff their arteries London, Ont., have their meds less than a
were—even beyond found that these also quarter of the time,
the legs. These changes cause visible changes to those who took them
may reduce health risks, brain structure and con- faithfully were 33 per
since arterial stiffness nectivity. The changes, cent less likely to die
and vascular function which may hinder the within seven years.
both play a role in dia- brain’s ability to move Healthier patients got
betes and heart disease. information between an even bigger boost
its areas, accumulated to their longevity from
over time, suggesting sticking to their pre-
possible long-term scriptions, but both
ramifications. Athletes, groups benefited.
parents and coaches
who want to play it safe
should limit all types of
head impacts—not just
those that cause obvi-
ous symptoms.

rd.ca 25

reader’s digest

Reducing the Fatigue of Bleach: Not For
Rheumatoid Arthritis Consumption

Although it’s best-known for joint pain, rheumatoid During the spread of ISTOCK.COM/AARONAMAT
arthritis also causes persistent weakness and exhaus- COVID-19, poison-
tion in up to 90 per cent of patients. It doesn’t control centres around
improve much with rest. And, worse, there’s been the world noticed an
no effective treatment. increase in calls. By sur-
veying the public, the
A Belgian study of patients who’d been newly American Centers for
diagnosed with RA indicates, however, that there’s Disease Control and
a window of opportunity early on for addressing the Prevention confirmed
problem. RA is one of many diseases in which that this was no coinci-
the immune system attacks the body’s own tissue, dence. In a misguided
causing inflammation. In the study, some partici- effort to protect them-
pants were prescribed methotrexate, a drug that selves, nearly four in
decreases immune-system activity and inflamma- 10 respondents had
tion. Because of its safety and effectiveness, it’s the employed household
gold standard treatment for RA, but it only starts cleaners, bleach or sur-
working after several months. face disinfectants in
potentially dangerous
The remaining subjects were prescribed metho- ways, such as using
trexate, as well, but also initially took prednisone, them to clean their fresh
a faster-acting albeit riskier anti-inflammatory. (Its produce, mist their
possible effects include agitation, fluid retention bodies or wash their
and insomnia.) As the time that methotrexate hands. Ingesting these
was expected to kick in drew nearer, these patients products’ chemicals
could poison you—no
gradually cut back on predni- matter what Donald
sone. The patients who took this Trump says—and food-
combination went on to feel less safety authorities rec-
ommend rinsing fresh
fatigued over the next two years produce with water
and didn’t experience more instead. Meanwhile,
side effects than the other stick to cleaning your
hands and body with
group—all of which is great soap, which is proven
motivation for RA patients to kill COVID-19.
to talk to their doctor about

receiving intensive treat-
ment as soon as possible,
to help them feel better

in the long run.

HEALTH

WHAT’S WRONG
WITH ME?

BY Lisa Bendall

illustration by victor wong

THE PATIENT: Josh*, an Australian boy of skills like walking and speaking.
THE SYMPTOMS: Diminishing abilities, Despite extensive testing, she remained
along with seizures and vomiting undiagnosed, but doctors suspected it
THE DOCTOR: Dr. Nicholas Smith, head was a genetic condition.
of neurology at Women’s and Children’s
Hospital in North Adelaide, Australia Tragically, an unexpected hemor-
rhage from a perforated ulcer claimed
EVEN BEFORE JOSH was born in Lauren’s life at two and a half. Her
2007 in South Australia, his par- grieving parents worried that the child
ents, Nicole and Andy, knew they were carrying at the time would
there was a chance their baby might have the same mysterious condition.
have a severe disorder that could affect
the course of his life. His older sister, Josh was a happy, social baby, and
Lauren, had stopped meeting mile- at first he was on track when it came to
stones just after turning one. As she rolling over and sitting up for the first
grew, she gradually lost her mastery time. At 12 months, he took a few steps
on his own. Then, just like Lauren, his
*IDENTIFYING DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED. development slowed. He stopped walk-
ing independently. By age two, he was
no longer talking. Even though Josh’s

rd.ca 27

reader’s digest

parents had expected he might have he was charmed. “He was a happy, smi-
inherited the disorder, it was still dev- ley boy. He’s always had a bright spark
astating when doctors confirmed it. in him,” he says. Although Smith didn’t
have an immediate cure for Josh’s dis-
At age three, Josh began experien- order, he was confident he could help
cing bouts of intense vomiting that with symptom management.
would last for several days without a
break. At five, he couldn’t sit up on his Smith also knew there might be a
own anymore, and reverted to crawl- way to get more information. The
ing. He started having seizures. The genetics field had advanced consider-
following year, a feeding tube became ably since Josh’s birth, and scientists
necessary because he was eating less could now analyze entire sections of
and struggling with liquids. the genome at once and pinpoint
unexpected differences, or variants.
THE TERRIFYING “Every time I saw this boy and his fam-
POSSIBILITY THAT ily, their child was worse. They were
THE FAMILY WOULD preparing themselves for him to die,”
LOSE A SECOND CHILD says Smith. Giving a family answers is
no small thing, he adds; even if their
LOOMED LARGE. child does not survive, it can at least
provide closure, and is vital for any
Josh’s medical file was thick with future family planning.
results from physical exams, lab testing
and brain scans, but nothing that led to Smith thought there was a chance
a diagnosis. Numerous tests for genetic his research colleagues in the Univer-
conditions had been performed in vain sity of South Australia’s molecular
on both Josh and Lauren over the years. pathology department could provide
The terrifying possibility that this family those answers. Postgraduate student
would lose a second child loomed large. Alicia Byrne, under the supervision of
professor Hamish Scott, analyzed Josh
When Josh was six, Nicole and Andy and Lauren’s genetic data. Healthy
received a referral to Dr. Nicholas people have about four million variants,
Smith, a neurologist at Women’s and usually harmless, in their genome.
Children’s Hospital in North Adelaide, Byrne sought the one variant that was
Australia. “We were told that he had a to blame for the children’s disorder.
keen interest in these types of condi- It can take hours and hours to sort
tions,” says Nicole. through the genetic data, spotting and
researching any possibilities.
From the moment Smith met Josh,
Byrne ruled out anything that didn’t
appear in both children’s genomes. She

28 november 2020

also excluded variants that are common needed them. The hopeful team devised
in healthy people, or linked to disorders a trial therapy for Josh of weekly high-
that Josh and Lauren obviously didn’t dose vitamin infusions. “It was very
have. She was left with an unfamiliar exciting,” Nicole says. “We felt we had
new gene that hadn’t before been asso- nothing to lose, and everything to gain.”
ciated with a disease. And, as it turned
out, each of the two parents carried a Within weeks, Nicole and Andy
different variant in that same gene; reported Josh had more energy. “It’s
when they combined in the children, always difficult to know how much
it created an incredibly rare disorder. positive progress is due to the parents’
hope that their child will improve,”
IT’S DIFFICULT TO says Smith. But after three months,
KNOW IF REPORTS OF there was a measurable reduction in
PROGRESS ARE DUE TO Josh’s seizures and vomiting.
PARENTS’ HOPE THEIR
CHILD WILL IMPROVE. Six months after treatment began,
Josh had stopped regressing and was
Byrne was ecstatic about the discov- moving forward again. “The ‘wow’
ery, as efforts to find genetic variants moment for us was the day Josh went
prove fruitless in more than two-thirds up on his knees to crawl,” says Nicole.
of challenging cases. Even better, there “It’s one we’ll never forget.”
was a possible treatment in this case.
Over time, Josh regained the ability
The mutation was in a gene crucial for to use a walker. He started saying
transporting B vitamins to the nervous “mom” and “dad” again. Today, at 13,
system. Lab experimentation with Josh’s he enjoys horsing around on the play-
cells showed a definite problem with ground at school, watching videos on
vitamin B uptake. Even if Josh had nor- his iPad and making people laugh.
mal levels of these nutrients in his body, “The most gratifying thing is seeing
he simply couldn’t get enough where he this boy and his family living life with-
out the fear and anxiety,” says Smith.

“It’s all we could have asked for,”
Nicole adds. “Our outlook is unknown,
but for now we enjoy every day with our
strong, happy, healthy son.”

Glass Half Full of Drizzle

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.
Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.

GILBERT K. CHESTERTON

rd.ca 29

reader’s digest

COVER STORY

Who is the most hilarious of them all? Survey these
cross-Canada zingers, gags and jests—and judge for yourself.

BY Rosie Long Decter and Courtney Shea

illustrations by paul g. hammond

rd.ca 31

reader’s digest

We’re willing to invest the time and the
resources. I’ve been growing a beard
now for two years, trying to fit in.
—Oshea Jephson, whitehorse

YUKON Frisbee for One

Prospecting for gold and guffaws A popular summer activity in the
Yukon is disc golf, or Frisbee golf.
I’m so sorry if you’re single in March A lot of people think it evolved from
in the Yukon. There’s nothing left; regular golf, but I think it evolved
it’s all gone. You go on Yukon Tinder from lonely men who got tired of
and it just says, “Out of order, check going to the park every day, trying to
back in May.” make friends to play catch with. They
—George Maratos, whitehorse were just like, “You know what? I’m
gonna figure out a way to play with
Ghost in the North these discs all by myself. Just me, the
trees and my discs.” And when they’re
On October 30 last year in Whitehorse, playing, you can actually hear the
residents were disturbed by a spooky trees going, “Nobody cares. You’re
noise ringing throughout town. It a grown man playing with discs.”
sounded like a wail, and no one knew —James Boyle, whitehorse
where it was coming from. Locals
started speculating on Facebook that BRITISH COLUMBIA
it was a “very drunk owl,” or perhaps
a “mechanical goose repeatedly honk- Welcome to the playful Pacific
ing.” Residents decided to contact
Yukon Energy, thinking it might have Why do we have so many coins in Can-
been coming from the local hydro ada? We had bills. When I was a kid,
dam. When staff did a walk-through, we had a $2 bill. It had a bird on it. It
they found the problem: a spill gate was wonderful. There was a $1 bill, too.
had been left open, and was the What happened? Did a pirate make it
source of the otherworldly noise. to the top of the Bank of Canada?
Not so scary after all, but at least it got —Ivan Decker, ladner, b.c.
everyone in the mood for Halloween.

New Northerners

We all want to be part of the Yukon.

32 november 2020

@ScanBC is a Twitter account that Every time Canadian scientists
tweets out requests for law enforce- announce they’ve found another
ment heard on police scanners around dinosaur in B.C., I’m like, “Yeah,
the province. Here are a few of the that’s when they’re from.”
more absurd requests they’ve heard: —Jeremy Woodcock, toronto
■ June 14, 2020: Fire crews in
Maple Ridge are responding to a NORTHWEST
residence to assist a dog with its TERRITORIES
head stuck in a couch.
■ March 29, 2019: RCMP have Plenty of ice and laughs to go around
requested assistance from the Squa-
mish fire department after they raised I’ve been thinking about telling my
their Canadian flag upside down. jokes as if I were Justin Trudeau, but
■ Jan. 23, 2018: Vancouver Police are I don’t think public opinion would
responding to the area of Renfrew and really approve—I’d just be pushing
Hastings for reports of a cougar in a my punchlines through like an oil
tree. The reported animal was located pipeline, but for funnies.
and found to be a very large raccoon. —Brad Thom,
fort providence, n.w.t.
At the end of Grade 10, I
remember the vice principal Immigration Reform

at Prince of Wales sat me Canada should have the easiest immi-
down and invited me to gration policy. Do you want to move
leave, which, looking back, to Canada? Okay, we’ll come pick you
was just a very Canadian up. It doesn’t matter where you are in
way of kicking me out. the world; we’re gonna come pick you
up at no cost to you. But we’re going to
—Ryan Reynolds, vancouver bring you here in January, and we’re
going to land the plane in Yellow-
COURTESY OF NETFLIX knife. All those potential immigrants
will be excited, thinking we landed at
night. Nope, it’s 2 in the afternoon.
—Arthur Simeon, toronto

rd.ca 33

reader’s digest

I was born and raised in Inuvik, N.W.T. handing the cup to the employee:
Even though I’m from here, though, “W I N A B A G E L.”
I can’t start a Ski-Doo, I don’t hunt, <canadianbucketlist.com>
and I hate the cold, so I really need
this comedy thing to work. Riveting Radio
—Dez Loreen, inuvik, n.w.t.
CBC can be a little dry at times. The
Tourist Traps other day I heard this on CBC Radio:
“Today on the program we’re talking
Tourism website Spectacular North- about lineups. Call us with your fas-
west Territories rounded up a list of cinating lineup stories.” There’s no
the strangest and most dangerous such thing!
places in the territory. Their names —Gavin Crawford, taber, alta.
are…a bit on the nose:
■ The Smoking Hills Signs you’ve been in Alberta too long:
■ The Bottomless Lake ■ You think Medicine Hat is
■ The Peak With No Name “The Windy City”
■ The Lake That Fell Off a Cliff ■ You mistake mosquitoes for birds
■ The Rapids of the Drowned ■ Oil has started leaking out of
<spectacularnwt.com> your boots
<huffpost.ca>

ALBERTA Alberta, the province with the most
straight, flat roads and cars stuck in
The wacky, witty west ditches beside them.
<reddit.ca>
A Calgarian rolled up the rim on his
Tim Hortons coffee. He stared in I smoked pot openly in Calgary—
disbelief for a moment, then started because nobody knew what pot was.
yelling, “I’ve won a motor home! —Tommy Chong, calgary
I’ve won a motor home!”
Cultural Differences
A woman working at the counter
said, “That’s impossible. The biggest I come from High River, Alberta. All
prize is a car.” my relatives are from big cities all
around the world. Sometimes they
“No, it says right here,” he said, make fun of me and say, “Oh, Noor,
you’re from High River. You know
nothing about your culture.” I’m like,
“What? I’m from High River. I spend

34 november 2020

People think of Canadians
as peaceful people, not getting

into wars, not having
handguns. But our national
pastime is this game where we

just pummel each other.

—Michael J. Fox, edmonton

my whole life explaining my culture.” SASKATCHEWAN
Sometimes it’s not even my own cul-
ture. People in High River will ask me, The landscape may be flat, but not the
“Hey, Noor, you guys don’t eat meat,
right?” And I’m like, “No, that’s actu- sense of humour!
ally Hindus.” They’re like, “Oh, what
do Hindus believe?” And I’m like, “I
don’t know. I’m from High River, too!”
—Noor Kidwai, high river, alta.

LEV RADIN/SHUTTERSTOCK Apologizing is huge in Canada’s cul- I’ve played a lot of leaders, auto-
ture. But not in my culture. Did you cratic types. Perhaps it was my
know that there isn’t a word for Canadian accent.
“sorry” in my Cree language? That’s —Leslie Nielsen, regina
because we didn’t do anything to
apologize for. I don’t mind being a symbol, but I
—Howie Miller, edmonton don’t want to become a monument.
There are monuments all over the
For our American guests, let me just Parliament Buildings, and I’ve seen
say how brave it is of you to join us what the pigeons do to them.
here, in a country that is such a hos- —Tommy Douglas, saskatoon
tile national security threat. I should (by way of scotland)
let you know, though, if some of you
are not careful, we may make you A Saskatchewan farmer decides to
drink your own beer. retire and move to the Rocky Moun-
—Rachel Notley, edmonton tains after living his whole life on the

rd.ca 35

reader’s digest

prairies. A few months later, a friend walk backwards to school so I wouldn’t
comes to visit. get frostbite on the front of my face.
—Tatiana Maslany, regina
“What do you think of the moun-
tains?” his friend asks. The Lord said, “Let there be wheat,”
and Saskatchewan was born.
“They’re okay,” the farmer says. —Stephen Leacock, sutton, ont.
“But they sure obscure the view.”
<upjoke.com>

Things you won’t hear in MANITOBA
Saskatchewan:
■ “Duct tape isn’t going to fix that.” Dry winters and a dry sense of humour
■ “Is the seafood fresh?”
■ “I just don’t feel like bingo tonight.” Fiery Romance
<canadaka.net>
It’s so cold in Winnipeg right now
Saskatchewan is known for its extreme that I’m actually hoping for a heated
temperatures. It’s very cold. When I argument with my wife.
was in elementary school, I had to —@msilvawpg

Wearing a mask these Brandon, Man., named one of its local
past few months has malls the Shoppers Mall, in case peo-
really opened my eyes ple forget what they went there to do.
to how far away my <reddit.ca>
ears are from my nose.
Growing up on the prairies, we had
—Brent Butt, tisdale, Sask. only three channels: CBC, a blurry
channel, and the French channel.
It was called Farmer Vision.
—Big Daddy Tazz, winnipeg

In Canada we’re racist; we’re just COURTESY OF CBC
passive-aggressive about it. If Cana-
dian racism were a person, they would
be your best friend. And you’d go

over to them in your new jeans like, many rules. I had to pay for parking
“How do I look?” And Canadian ra- today—and then I got a ticket
cism would say something like, “Oh, because I parked on the sidewalk.
beauty standards are really hard.” But we don’t have sidewalks!
—Aisha Alfa, winnipeg —Bibi Bilodeau, iqaluit

NUNAVUT ONTARIO

Cold weather, warm laughs Where so much hilarity is “yours
to discover”
With #NunavutTVShows, Twitter
users imagine their favourite series Essential Knowledge
set up north:
■ Square Dancing With the Stars Let me tell you about Canadian Heri-
—@Alethia_Aggiuq tage Minutes. Most people in most
■ No Tree Hill countries feel good about themselves
—@geckospots naturally, but we Canadians have a
■ The Price is NOT Right self-esteem issue, so the government
—@khumbu2015 feels the need to flood our televisions
■ Saved by the Bell 10 GB Data with commercials about obscure
Package stuff that happened hundreds of years
—@Nuliayuk ago that nobody knows about. At the
end of the commercials they’re always
Population Density like, “And that man was Trent Foster
Rivers,” and you’re like, “Who?”
Three of five people living in Iqaluit, —Nile Seguin, ottawa
Nunavut, are actually winter coats
hanging on the backs of chairs. Toronto housing market: taking your
—satirical twitter account relationship to the next level under
@Stats_Canada financial duress since 2009.
—Cassie Cao, toronto
Culture Shock
I’m not afraid to get ugly. I think that
I have a lot of trouble when I go to comes from my Canadian work ethic.
the south, because there are just so
rd.ca 37

reader’s digest

I’m only half-joking. It comes from a Canadian white folks get mad. They
place of just wanting to execute the say, “Hey, you don’t diss our boiled
best possible joke in the moment, potatoes. Sometimes we put salt in
whatever it takes. What’s the funniest that water.”
thing I can do? Oh, that’s awful. Okay, —Russell Peters, toronto
that’s it. I’ll do it. Oh my god, I can’t
believe I’m doing it. Okay, it’s over. And the Oscar for best actress goes to…
—Samantha Bee, toronto Woman Enjoying the Turkey Sausage
Breakfast Sandwich in Tim Hortons
Canadians, we have our Commercial. What a performance!
Thanksgiving in October. —D.J. Demers, kitchener, ont.
We have different traditions.
We like to stuff the turkey Cutting Remark
through the beak. We’ll sit
around and tell each other The meanest thing you can say to a
what we’re thankful for and guy in Canada? I hope your hockey
then apologize if it feels like team loses.
bragging. We eat a whole —Nour Hadidi, toronto
potato because mashing
requires too much aggression. Canada and America are closer than
And then at the end of dinner, friends. We’re more like siblings. We
we stand around and sing have shared parentage, though we took
songs about public health care. different paths in our later years. We
became the stay-at-home type, and
—Martin Short, hamilton, ont. you grew to be a little more rebellious.
—prime minister Justin Trudeau

National Tradition KATHY HUTCHINS/SHUTTERSTOCK

I got into hockey as a kid for the
same reason all Canadians get into
hockey—I wanted my dad to love me.
—Dave Hemstad, thornhill, ont.

Every Canadian has a complicated
relationship with the United States,
whereas Americans think of Canada
as the place where the weather
comes from.
—Margaret Atwood, ottawa

Q: Why do all Canadians Quebec City has more mimes per
live in igloos? capita than any other Canadian city.
—satirical twitter account
A: We need to keep @Stats_Canada
cool because our prime
Bad Joke
minister is so hot.
The biggest thing that makes me truly
—Lilly Singh, toronto embarrassed to be Canadian, and
specifically from Quebec, is Just for
Laughs Gags.
—Zoe Whittall, toronto

Plus Ça Change…

Only in Montreal can you leave for
three months and return to see every
traffic cone in the exact same spot.
—@brandonprust8

Riddle Me This

What do you call a French Canadian
who can speak English? Bilingual.

What do you call an English
Canadian who can speak French?
A miracle.
<reddit.com>

DFREE/SHUTTERSTOCK QUEBEC Quebec Quirks

Notoriously funny—in two languages! We’re on day four of rain in Montreal
today. I just saw a guy out walking
Laura Secord is the founding mother his goldfish.
of Canada. She made all the choco- —David Acer, montreal
lates I ate growing up. A lot of people
had a poster of David Cassidy over “If this vaccine gives you a fever, have
their bed. I had the Laura Secord a glass of red wine.” –A nurse in Quebec
chocolate chart. —Jess Salomon, montreal
—Caroline Rhea, montreal
Over the years, people in Montreal
have embraced me with open arms.

rd.ca 39

reader’s digest

And those who didn’t, well, those are There’s a maple leaf in my underwear
the people who traded me. somewhere.
—P.K. Subban, toronto —Donald Sutherland,
saint john, n.b.

NEW BRUNSWICK Seasons of Change

Land of the lobster, the sea and some In New Brunswick, we get four
seasons: almost winter, winter, still
very funny people winter and construction.
<reddit.com>

Dad: Did I tell you my joke about NOVA SCOTIA
New Brunswick’s population?
Child: Nope. High tides and hilarity
Dad: Actually, never mind. It’s
getting pretty old. The best thing about my status card is
<themanatee.com> that I can fish wherever, whenever I
want. I was in Loblaws the other day
Mr. Dress-Up and dropped my line in the fish tank.
—Janelle Niles, truro, n.s.
New Brunswick is like the provincial
equivalent of an elderly man in a Danger Zone
sweater vest.
<reddit.com> We have a place in Nova Scotia
called Peggy’s Cove, where not long
We’re thinking of changing our motto: ago a woman went over the edge—and
New Brunswick—if you’ve hit Nova she lived. But this is a pet peeve for
Scotia, you’ve gone too far. me, because they talked about it
—Brian Gallant, shediac, n.b. for weeks after on the radio: “Maybe
we need to hire students with little
Through and Through orange vests that say it’s dangerous
to go out on the rocks,” they said, “or
They ask me at the border why I don’t maybe we need to put more signs
take American citizenship. I could up.” Apparently the ocean slamming
still be Canadian, they say. You could
have dual citizenship. But I say no,
I’m not dual anything. I’m Canadian.

40 november 2020

I feel like all Nova Scotia of its place in our history that every
tourism has to say is, “Dude, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night
you can ride your bike, then there are still re-enactments of the
drinking that went on during that
walk through the woods, fateful gathering.
then jump in a lake.” —Jonathan Torrens,
charlottetown
—Ellen Page, halifax

into the continent and shooting spray Know Thyself
45 feet in the air does not say “danger!”
to some people. Writer Ivy Knight’s book You Know
—Candy Palmater, halifax You’re an Islander When… offers an
insider-joke tome for Prince Edward
Islanders. Here are some highlights:
■ You get excited when you hear P.E.I.
mentioned on any news outlet other
than Compass
■ When you see the sign for Vogue
Optical, you automatically sing in
your head, “Your second pair is free”
■ You know the difference between
“out west” and “up west”
■ Crapaud: to others, it’s a joke;
to you, it’s home

KATHY HUTCHINS/SHUTTERSTOCK PRINCE EDWARD Did you ever hear the joke about the
ISLAND woman who moved to P.E.I. when
she was two years old? She lived her
The smallest province with the whole life on the Island and died here
on her 90th birthday. But her obitu-
largest laughs ary still read, “Woman from away
died peacefully in her home.”
—Teresa Wright, charlottetown

Celebrating History You know you’re in P.E.I. when there
are seven empty cars running in the
I’m from Charlottetown, where the parking lot of your local Canadian
country was formed in a blurry stu- Tire at all times.
por by the Fathers of Confederation. <canadaka.net>
You know, Charlottetown is so proud

rd.ca 41

reader’s digest

NEWFOUNDLAND “[Newfoundlanders are like]
AND LABRADOR a genetic pool the size of a
pudding bowl. So I always think
Famed for its beautiful landscapes— that the first two who came
were really funny, and it just
and side-splitting humour
went on from there.”

—Mary Walsh, st. john's

Radio just reported that a pregnant
woman in labour drove herself to the
hospital on a Ski-Doo. I hope they are
okay. I’m pretty sure this child will
grow up to be the future premier who
will lead us to prosperity.
—Mark Critch, st. john’s

Legend has it the Macarena originated isn’t that cute. He’s from Canada. Hey, SARA ROSTOTSKI
in Newfoundland when a fisherman Bob! They just got electricity up there.”
got up out of his chair and started There are so many things they don’t
anxiously searching his shirt and know about us. Like, first of all, we’ve
pants pockets for a pack of smokes. had electricity since the early ’80s.
<reddit.com> —Shaun Majumder,
Burlington, N.L.
According to a recent Dominion
Institute poll, a majority of Canadians Canadian tweens spend 81 per cent
have no idea how Parliament works. of geography class laughing at names
Which is fine. We’re a very busy peo- of towns in Newfoundland.
ple—we have lives to lead, families —satirical twitter account
to raise. Not to mention we’re all on @Stats_Canada
hold with Rogers.
—Rick Mercer, st. john’s Apocalypse Later

Common Misconception The world will end at midnight...
Twelve-thirty, Newfoundland.
I’m so sick and tired of Americans <reddit.com>
misunderstanding Canadians: “Aww,

42 november 2020

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rd.ca 45

reader’s digest

W hen Robbie Robert- evolutions and revolutions, its unde- (PREVIOUS SPREAD) GIJSBERT HANEKROOT/ALAMY STOCK PHOTO
son was a kid grow- niable ascent and arguable decline. He
ing up in Toronto, is a one-man zeitgeist, a player, both
his mother, who was major and minor, in some of popular
born and raised on music’s most defining moments.
the Six Nations reserve near Brantford,
Ont., often took him back home to visit He’s still best known, of course, for
her family. For Robbie, each trip was like the groundbreaking songs he created
a voyage to another dimension. His rel- with the Band, the wildly influential
atives had a profound understanding of roots rock group—songs like “The
the natural world and, most important Weight” and “The Night They Drove Old
to him, a great love of music. Everyone Dixie Down.” The Band was renowned
played an instrument or danced or sang, for its industry-defying lack of a front
and Six Nations jam sessions, often held man. Eventually, and enthusiastically,
around a roaring campfire, were like Robertson took on that central role, to
small festivals of sound, light and colour. the enduring ire of his bandmates. And
while his career with the Band lasted
Something even more transporting— only a decade—1968 to 1978—his
and transformative—happened when position as the group’s self-appointed
he was nine. After lunch one day, Rob- chronicler has lasted about four times
bie joined a gathering at a longhouse. as long. Unlike the elder he first encoun-
An elder sat in a large wood chair, tered as a child, however, the myth he’s
draped in animal pelts, and recounted, recounting now is all his own.
with vivid imagery and riveting sus-
pense, the tale of the Great Peacemaker I MET ROBERTSON IN 2019, the day after
who founded the Six Nations Iroquois a new documentary about him and
Confederacy. Robbie was mesmerized. the group, Once Were Brothers: Robbie
He told his mother that one day, he Robertson and the Band, premiered at
was going to tell stories like that. the Toronto International Film Festi-
val. He was tanned and tall and relaxed,
It didn’t take long. Robertson began his eyes hidden behind signature tinted
telling stories—or writing songs, same glasses. Age diminishes us all, even
thing—when he was a teenager, then Robbie Robertson, but he’s still ridicu-
kept on telling them. There were the lously handsome. In conversation, he
gentle puppy-love melodies he wrote is as courteous as a courtesan or as
for the rockabilly supernova Ronnie winkingly elusive as his long-time com-
Hawkins, then the hits that he later rade Bob Dylan.
wrote for himself. Robertson’s life
story is something else, the story of Robertson was born Jaime Royal Rob-
rock music itself, its ups and downs, its ertson; Robbie was a neighbourhood

46 november 2020

nickname, derived, not so originally, Toronto seemed like a good place to
from his last name. His mother, Dolly, start. Everyone from future Guess Who
was Mohawk and Cayuga, and his bio- guitarist Domenic Troiano to Little
logical father, a Jewish man who was Stevie Wonder and the Supremes par-
killed in a hit and run before Robert- tied at the city’s raucous clubs.
son was born, was a professional gam-
bler. He was raised from birth by Dolly When Robertson was 15, his band
and his stepfather, Jim Robertson, a the Suedes was invited to open for
factory worker and war vet. Robert- Ronnie and the Hawks. It was a revela-
son’s home life wasn’t easy—his par- tion. Ronnie Hawkins had Kirk Doug-
ents drank and fought, a lot. Jim would las looks and James Brown moves. He
beat up Dolly, then turn his violent was renowned for his acrobatic stage
attention to his son. antics. Robertson had never seen any-
thing like the Hawk, and Hawkins was
After his relatives at Six Nations intro- likewise impressed by Robertson. He
duced him to music, he devoted himself told his drummer, Levon Helm, “He’s
to the guitar, and by 13 he had formed got so much talent it makes me sick.”
his first band, Robbie Robertson and
the Rhythm Chords. Rock and roll had When a spot for a bass player opened
arrived: the radio was alive with Chuck up in the Hawks, Robertson dropped
Berry, Elvis, Buddy Holly and Little out of high school, quickly taught him-
Richard. Robertson, who describes self the bass, and took a bus down to
the discovery of rock as his Arkansas, where Hawkins was currently
“personal big bang,” was
completely in its thrall. Robertson on stage with
Everything changed: the Bob Dylan at Madison
way he dressed and talked Square Garden.
and moved, the way he
GIJSBERT HANEKROOT/ALAMY STOCK PHOTO combed his hair, the way
he strummed his Fender. Like
it was for millions of teen-
agers, rock was an escape
hatch that could propel him
into an unknown future.

For Robertson, rock also
looked like it could be a job,
one where he could make
some money and have a lot
of fun doing it. At the time,

rd.ca 47

reader’s digest

living, to audition. He knew he was just made them wear. Soon after, they met
a kid from Toronto. He worked as hard a titanic musical force: Bob Dylan.
as he could, which was 10 times harder Dylan had notoriously gone electric in
than everybody else. He learned the set 1965 and was looking for a band that
list inside out—the bass and the guitar could back him. It was the big time,
parts. He rarely slept, and when he did, but it was also an unexpected, dispir-
he slept with his instruments. iting gauntlet. Betrayed folk audiences
dismissed Dylan as a fame-hungry
“What I was trying to do was impos- sellout. They booed his shows. Many
sible,” Robertson told me, still some- blamed the Hawks, claiming they were
what awed by his own audacity. “I’m ruining Dylan’s music.
16 years old. I’m too young to play in
any of the places they play. I’m too By that point, Robertson was 22 and
inexperienced to play lead guitar in living in New York. Dylan had opened
this group. And there’s no such thing up his world. Robertson got a suite at
in a Southern rock and roll band as a the Chelsea Hotel. He was meeting
Canadian. With all these odds, it was everybody: Allen Ginsberg, Salvador
impossible. And it was my job to over- Dalí, Carly Simon. On a movie set, he
come the impossibility. And win.” palled around with Marlon Brando,
who kindly opened a Coke bottle for
He got the job. He won. him with his teeth. At Dylan’s first
wedding, he served as best man. A
LEVON HELM quickly became Robert- world tour took him off the continent
son’s best buddy in the band, the big for the first time, and he travelled to
brother he never had. A few years older, Hawaii, Europe, Australia.
Helm was, in some ways, Robertson’s
opposite—short, Southern, hotheaded, Dylan, however, was exhausted. A
with a devilish grin and white-gold motorcycle accident in 1966 gave him
hair. As other Hawks left, the rest of the the opportunity to, as he said, “get out
band—Rick Danko, Richard Manuel, of the rat race.” He retreated with his
Garth Hudson—suddenly became young family to Woodstock, in upstate
Canadian. They were a wild, impossi- New York. The Hawks followed, with
bly talented bunch, and Hawkins Danko, Hudson and Manuel settling in
worked them hard. They played six days a ranch house they dubbed Big Pink.
a week and practised all night. Robertson and his future wife moved
into their own place up the road, and
Hawkins, they soon realized, was Helm, who had temporarily left the
holding them back. They craved inde- Hawks, rejoined the gang. They trans-
pendence, wanted to try new things. formed the Big Pink basement into a
By 1964, they had split from Hawkins recording studio.
and abandoned the matching suits he

48 november 2020