the-success-principles-jack-canfield-1

PRINCIPLE

48

Be Hear Now

Listen a hundred times. Ponder a thousand times. Speak once.

SOURCE UNKNOWN

There’s a big difference between hearing—that is, simply receiving communication—and truly
listening, which is the art of paying thoughtful attention with a mind toward understanding the
complete message being delivered. Unlike simply hearing someone’s account, listening requires
maintaining eye contact, watching the person’s body language, asking for clarification, and listening
for the unspoken message.

In the news reporting industry, journalists are trained in the art of active listening—an interview
technique in which reporters listen and understand so well, they’re able to ask intelligent, more in-
depth questions about the information being delivered. Active listening is how good news stories are
developed—and how many of us can improve our relationships, too. Not surprisingly, it also helps
insure accuracy and fairness, two of the most important hallmarks of a journalist—and two important
qualities of any relationship.

Listening Pays Off

Marcia Martin is an executive coach. One of her clients, a senior vice president at a major bank,
asked her if she could help him make his team meetings more powerful. He complained that his direct
team wasn’t really operating the way he wanted it to in their meetings. They didn’t bring the right
things to the meeting, they weren’t focused on the right things, and they didn’t present properly.

When Marcia asked him what he did in his meetings and what the problems were, he said he
always started off his meetings by telling them what the purpose of the meeting was, what he felt their
breakdowns were, and what he wanted them to do. By the time he finished describing his meetings,
she could tell the whole meeting was him just spitting out instructions to his team members.

Marcia told him, “I would advise you to start your meeting with just one sentence: ‘The purpose of
this meeting is for me to find out from you what you feel is going on in each of your departments, what
you feel the breakdowns are, and what you need from me.’ And then you should be quiet and just let
them talk and talk and talk until they have totally talked themselves out. If they stop talking, just say,
‘Well, what else?’ and let them talk some more.”

She explained that his people probably hadn’t had a chance to really empty out their feelings, their
viewpoints, their suggestions, or their questions. He was packing them with too much information and
all of his opinions, and he wasn’t really listening. She told him to allow 2 hours for the meeting and
not to say anything during that whole time. He was just to listen, write down notes, and nod his head
—be present and be interested, but not speak.

Three days later, he pulled Marcia aside to tell her that he had had the most fantastic, powerful

meeting he’d ever had in his life. He had done exactly what she had asked him to do—he had listened
in a way that he had never listened before. As a result his team members had talked and talked and
talked, and he had learned more about what his people were going through, what his people needed,
and what to do for them in that one meeting than he had in all of his previous executive experience.

Argue Less and Listen More

A New York photographer I once met traveled all over the world doing expensive location shoots for
big-name clients like Revlon and Lancôme. At one point he shared with me how he would give
clients exactly what they had asked for, then be mystified when they didn’t like the end result. Even if
it were the pyramids in Egypt, he said, they’d ask him to shoot it over.

It did no good to become defensive or argue with the clients, even though he had followed their
specifications perfectly. Instead, he eventually learned—after losing several lucrative accounts—that
all he had to do was say, “So let me see if I’ve got this right. You want more of this and less of that?
Correct? Okay, I’ll go reshoot it and bring it back so you can see if you like it.”

In other words, he learned to argue less with the people who were paying the bills and to listen
more—responding and adjusting to their feedback until they were satisfied.

Be Interested Rather than Interesting

Another way people fail to listen carefully is to be too concerned with being interesting themselves,
rather than being interested in the person they’re listening to. They believe the route to success is to
constantly talk—showing off their expertise or intelligence with their words and comments.

The best way to establish rapport with people and to win them over to your side is to be truly
interested in them, to listen with the intention of really learning about them. When the person feels that
you are really interested in getting to know them and their feelings, they will open up to you and share
their true feelings with you much more quickly.

Work to develop an attitude of curiosity. Be curious about other people, what they feel, how they
think, how they see the world. What are their hopes, dreams, and fears? What are their aspirations?
What obstacles are they facing in their lives?

If you want people to cooperate with you, to like you, or to open up to you, you must be
interested…in them. Instead of focusing on yourself, start focusing on others. Notice what makes
them happy or unhappy. When your thoughts are more on others than on yourself, you feel less stress.
You can act and respond with more intelligence. Your production level increases and you have more
fun. Additionally, when you are interested, people respond to your interest in them. They want to be
around you. Your popularity increases.

A Powerful Question

During my year of attending Dan Sullivan’s “Strategic Coach Program,”47 he taught me one of the
most powerful communication tools I have ever learned. It is one of the most effective ways to
establish rapport and create a feeling of connection with another person. I have used it in both my

business and personal life. It is a series of four questions:

1. If we were meeting three years from today, what has to have happened during that three-year
period for you to feel happy about your progress?
2. What are the biggest dangers you’ll have to face and deal with in order to achieve that progress?
3. What are the biggest opportunities that you have that you would need to focus on and capture to
achieve those things?
4. What strengths will you need to reinforce and maximize, and what skills and resources will you
need to develop that you don’t currently have in order to capture those opportunities?

About 1 week after I had learned these questions, I was meeting with my sister Kim, who is the
coauthor of all of our Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul books. I didn’t feel like we were making
much progress in getting connected, so I decided to try these new questions I had just learned and then
really listen.

When I asked her the first question, it was as if I had magically opened a locked door. She
proceeded to tell me about all of her hopes and dreams for her future. I think she must have talked for
at least 30 minutes without interruption. Then I asked the second question. Off she went for another 15
minutes. I didn’t say one word. Then I asked the third and fourth questions. Over an hour later, she
stopped. She was grinning from ear to ear and looked unusually calm and relaxed. She smiled at me
and said, “That’s the best conversation I think we’ve ever had. I feel so clear and focused. I know
exactly what I need to go and do now. Thank you.”

It was amazing. I hadn’t said a word—except for asking the four questions. She had taken herself
through a process of clarification with those questions. She hadn’t clearly addressed them before, and
doing it with me had brought her great clarity and relief. I felt very connected to my sister, and she felt
very connected to me. Up until then, I think I would have had a tendency at some point to jump in and
tell her what I thought she should do, interrupting her own process of self-discovery by not listening.

Since that time I have used those questions with my wife, my children, my staff, my corporate
clients, my coaching clients, prospective seminar participants, and several potential business
partners. The results are always magical.

It’s Your Turn

Take the time today to write those four questions on an index card and carry it with you. Practice each
day asking someone these questions over lunch or dinner. Start with your friends and your family
members, too. You will be surprised how much you will learn and how much closer you will feel
afterward.

Use these questions with every potential business client or business colleague. Once they have
answered, you’ll know whether or not there is a basis for a business relationship. You’ll know
whether or not your products and services can help them achieve their goals.

If you find they don’t want to answer these questions, then they are not people you want to do
business with, because they are either unaware of their future and can’t think ahead, which will make
it hard for you to help them, or they are unwilling to tell you the answers, which means that there is no
trust present, so you have nothing to build on—no basis for a relationship.