One Minute Modern Comedy Monologue: Please, feel free to ...

9 Classic and Contemporary Monologue Choices

One Minute Modern Comedy Monologue: Please, feel free to change name,
genders and end location
"My "formerly" best friend, Marta Holloway called me a liar in school today! I
hate that! Especially since I WAS lying and she was only telling the truth.
Do you remember all those times people would tell you not to lie, but then turn
around and say something like... 'when it comes down to protecting someone...
telling a lie is really not all that bad'?
Well! I WAS protecting someone... me!
Yes I was late.. and I left the Dr.'s note on the front seat of the car.
Yes I was hanging around my locker too long and missed the second bell for 3rd period.
Yes I made up the excuse I was late because the student council meeting ran too long.
Yes I am not in Student Council.
But that is no reason for Marta Holloway to open her big mouth and rat me out just to
get me in trouble. What did I do to her?
Other than told all my friends not to vote for her for student council... so we could both
do drama after school... even though she hates drama.
Now I have to bring in 2 notes tomorrow!
And I'm not ever going to talk to Marta Holloway again. Even when her Mom takes us
to the mall later today.
(Takes out phone)
Look! She is texting me.
(Reads phone message and texts back)
I AM NOT... TALKING... TO .. YOU...
(Reads next text.... and then types)
PICK... ME... UP.. AT... THREE... THIRTY
(Puts phone away)
Hey look! It's the mall! OK?"

“Snow White’s Scary Adventures”

When I was little...we went to The Magic Kingdom…I went on this ride called
“Snow White’s Scary Adventures” I was only 5 so I was expecting happy
adventures with Snow White, a few cute dwarves...singing birds and
the occasional old lady with an apple. I got an eerie feeling the moment the
ride took off. Where is Snow White? Where are the Dwarves? It wasn’t until the
ride was over that someone told me the ride was supposed to make you feel as
if you WERE Snow White… What the???!! I didn’t want to be Snow White. That’s
some scary stuff! But there I was, trapped on the ride, crashing into walls and
dragged through a dungeon, being constantly tortured by frightening images of
the evil witch. I walked off that ride scared, and to be honest…ticked off. My
older brother thought it was funny… he kept laughing at how terrified I was… so
he bought me a Princess tiara. Gee…THANKS! Next time I am heading straight
for Space Mountain!

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9 Classic and Contemporary Monologue Choices
Said a Lightning Bug to a Firefly
by Maxine Kumin
Said a lightning bug to a firefly,
"Look at the lightning bugs fly by!"

"Silly dunce!" said the fly. "What bug ever flew?
Those are fireflies. And so are you."

"Bug!" cried the bug. "Fly!" cried the fly.
"Wait!" said a glowworm happening by.

"I'm a worm," squirmed the worm. "I glimmer all night.
You are worms, both of you. I know that I'm right."

"Fly!" cried the fly. "Worm!" cried the worm.
"Bug!" cried the bug. "I'm standing firm!"

Back and forth through the dark each shouted his word
Till their quarrel awakened the early bird.

"You three noisy things, you are all related,"
She said to the worm, and promptly ate it.

With a snap of her bill she finished the fly,
And the lightning bug was the last to die.

All glowers and glimmerers, there's a MORAL:
Shine if you must, but do not quarrel.

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9 Classic and Contemporary Monologue Choices

Please Mrs. Butler
by Allan Ahlberg

Please Mrs. Butler
This boy Derek Drew
Keeps copying my work, Miss.
What shall I do?

Go and sit in the hall, dear.
Go and sit in the sink.
Take your books on the roof, my lamb.
Do whatever you think.

Please Mrs. Butler
This boy Derek Drew
Keeps taking my eraser.
What shall I do?

Keep it in your hand, dear.
Hide it up your vest.
Swallow it if you like, love.
Do what you think best.

Please Mrs. Butler
This boy Derek Drew
Keeps calling me rude names, Miss.
What shall I do?

Lock yourself in the cupboard, dear.
Run away to sea.
Do whatever you can, my flower.
But don't ask me!

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9 Classic and Contemporary Monologue Choices

"Lass Of The Low Country"

Oh she was a lass from the low country
And he was a lord of high degree

But she loved his lordship so tenderly
Oh sorrow sing sorrow

Now she sleeps in the valley where the wild flowers nod
And no-one knows how she loved him but herself and god

One morn when the sun was on the mead
He passed by her door on a milk white steed

She smiled and she spoke but he paid no need
Oh sorrow sing sorrow

Now she sleeps in the valley where the wild flowers nod
And no-one knows how she loved him but herself and god

Now if you be a lass from the low country
Don't love of a lord of no lord of high degree

For he tain’t got a heart for sympathy
Oh sorrow sing sorrow

Now she sleeps in the valley where wild flowers nod
No-one knows how she loved him but herself and god

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9 Classic and Contemporary Monologue Choices

Sick

by Shel Silverstein

(Can be shortened but leave in the last 4 lines)

”I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue—
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke—
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is. . .Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

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9 Classic and Contemporary Monologue Choices

Puck from a Midsummer Night’s Dream II i 20

The king doth keep his revels here to-night:
Take heed the queen come not within his sight;
For Oberon is passing fell and wrath,
Because that she as her attendant hath
A lovely boy, stolen from an Indian king;
She never had so sweet a changeling;
And jealous Oberon would have the child
Knight of his train, to trace the forests wild;
But she perforce withholds the loved boy,
Crowns him with flowers and makes him all her joy:
And now they never meet in grove or green,
By fountain clear, or spangled starlight sheen,
But, they do square, that all their elves for fear
Creep into acorn-cups and hide them there.

Puck’s Prologue

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
if you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.

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9 Classic and Contemporary Monologue Choices

Twelth Night
VIOLA: I left no ring with her. What means this lady?
Fortune forbid my outside have not charmed her.
She made good view of me; indeed, so much
That, as me thought, her eyes had lost her tongue,
For she did speak in starts distractedly.
She loves me sure; the cunning of her passion
Invites me in this churlish messenger.
None of my lord's ring? Why, he sent her none.
I am the man. If it be so, as 'tis,
Poor lady, she were better love a dream.
Disguise, I see thou art a wickedness
Wherein the pregnant enemy does much.
How easy is it for the proper false
In women's waxen hearts to set their forms!
Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we,
For such as we are made of, such we be.
How will this fadge? My master loves her dearly;
And I (poor monster) fond as much on him;
And she (mistaken) seems to dote on me.
What will become of this? As I am man,
My state is desperate for my master's love.
As I am woman (now alas the day!),
What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe?
O Time, thou must untangle this, not I;
It is too hard a knot for me t' untie.

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