2022-09-01 Reader's Digest

Reader’s Digest

LAUGHTER

The best Medicine

Nick’s mother stops for like to be in water.” to name a workout
a moment as her son “Well, then he regimen that requires
reads the Bible to their the absolute minimum
cat. “Isn’t that sweet?” shouldn’t have joined level of effort.
she says. But an hour my church.” ✦✦“CrossSit”
later, she hears a terri- ✦✦“AutoPilates”
ble racket. Running out —Blueridgenow.com ✦✦“Chairmaster”
the door, she finds Nick ✦✦“Gluteus Minimus”
trying to dunk the cat For the exercise- ✦✦“Diddly Squats”
in a bucket of water. averse, good news! ✦✦“Chillates”
Researchers say that ✦✦“Zzzzzumba”
“Nick, what are you a mere three seconds
doing?” of resistance training A telephone rang.
a day could boost our “Hello! Is your phone
“I’m baptizing biceps by 12 percent. number 444-444-4444?”
Muffin,” he says. Meanwhile, The Week
asked its readers Cartoon by Bob Eckstein
“But cats don’t

50 september 2022

The Healthy

“Yes, it is,” came I was playing chess with my friend and
the reply. he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
“Great! Could you
call 911 for me? I —chess.com
superglued my finger
to the phone.”

—reddit.com

Revenge is a dish UP-LYFTING

best served anytime. Facebook user Eric Alper shared this list
✦✦I know it sounds he found in his Lyft driver’s car:
mean, but when I’m
cera propper mad at my wife and Welcome to Cameron’s We rock out to hits from
want to lash out, car!!! To ensure the best the ’80s, early 2000s,
I open a bottle of ride possible for you, or literally whatever
some condiment I have prepared a menu you want.
when there’s already of the various types of 6. The Bubbles Ride –
one open. rides I offer. Just choose We blow bubbles the
— @TheBoydP one, sit back, relax, and whole time.
✦✦Instead of telling enjoy the ride. :) 7. The Small Talk Ride –
my husband I’m an- 1. The Awkward Ride – We talk about how crazy
noyed with him, I’m You ignore this menu the weather’s been lately
just gonna put straw- completely, then we and I ask if you caught
berries in a salad. will sit in silence for the the game last night.
— @LizHackett remainder of the ride. 8. The Therapy Ride –
✦✦My wife ate the last 2. The Funny Ride – I tell You tell me your
doughnut this morning, you jokes or entertaining problems, and I listen.
so I went in her car and stories from my life. 9. The Drunk Ride –
readjusted the driver’s 3. The Silent Ride – You throw up in my car.
seat and mirrors. 4. The Creepy Ride – 10. The Cliché Ride –
— @RunOldMan I don’t say anything but You ask me how long I’ve
I keep staring at you in been driving for Lyft.
Got a funny joke? the rearview mirror.
It could be worth $$$. 5. The Karaoke Ride – —Upworthy.com (april 21, 2022),
For details, go to copyright © 2022,
rd.com/submit. good worldwide, inc.

Rd.com 51

Reader’s Digest

WHERE, OH WHERE?

S ay hello to Mama Mimi. This
gentle giant, the brainchild of
Danish artist Thomas Dambo, took
up residence here in Rendezvous Park
last year. She’s made of recycled and
renewable materials that were sourced
locally and assembled by the artist and
a team of workers on-site. Her mane, for
instance, is driftwood, and she wears a
necklace of rope and stones. Mimi is
the 80th in a family of troll sculptures
Dambo has installed all over the world.
Where is she? (Answer on page 111.)

A Bernheim Forest, Kentucky
B Aullwood Audubon, Ohio
C Jackson Hole, Wyoming
D Breckenridge, Colorado

Courtesy thomas Dambo

Rd.com | septembeR 2022 53

THE GENIUS ISSUE

SO THAT’S
WHY WE

SAY

THAT

Fun facts about the language
that’s been confounding speakers

for centuries: English

By Brandon Specktor

illustrations by Richard Borge

54 september 2022

Reader’s Digest
Rd.com 55

Reader’s Digest

“If the English language made any sense,
lackadaisical would have something to do

with a shortage of flowers.”

—Doug Larson, journalist

A s anyone who’s sat QUARANTINE The first quarantine MirageC/getty iMages (green bloCk, 14)
through English  101 was in Venice, Italy, while bubonic
can tell you, our na- plague was ravaging the mainland. To
tional language is help curb the spread of infection, vis-
baffling. And yet, iting ships had to spend 40 days at an-
somehow, the average chor before entering the city. (Worst.
American has man- Cruise. Ever!!!) The word quarantine
aged to learn 42,000 words. Granted, comes from the Italian phrase quar-
many are of the a, the, and but variety. anta giorni: literally, “40 days.”
Still, few of us know how the words
we utter were derived or what they GALAXY Thousands of years ago,
really mean. What follows is a hodge- ancient Greek stargazers looked up
podge (there’s a good word!) of fun at the sky and saw a white river of
facts about the language that gave us light arcing overhead. Their reaction?
Shakespeare, Hemingway, Angelou, “I could really go for some cookies
and those dolts on Twitter. right now.” The Greeks named that
broad band of stars galaxías—which
THE STORY BEHIND THE WORD stems from the word gála, meaning
“milk.” To this day, we call our galaxy
D id you know that the word the Milky Way.
muscle comes from the Latin
musculus, which means AMBULANCE The word originates
“little mouse”? Apparently, the an- from French military field hospitals of
cient Romans thought that the move- the 18th century. This type of mobile
ment of a muscle, especially a flexed medical center could be easily broken
bicep, looked as if a mouse were down and moved from place to place,
running under the skin. Now there’s earning it the name hôpital ambu-
a fun visual. And that’s not even the lant—literally, “walking hospital.”
weirdest example of a word with odd, Eventually, the name was shortened
ancient origins creeping—like mice to just ambulance. Thankfully, today’s
under our skin—into modern English. walking hospitals come with wheels.
Here are a few of our favorites.

56 september 2022

The Genius Issue

CANDIDATE In ancient Rome, the drink comes from the Hindi word
color of someone’s toga could indi- panch, meaning five. (Watch out for
cate that person’s social status. Poli- that fifth ingredient; it packs a punch.)
ticians wore gleaming white robes,
probably whitened with powdered BARBARIAN The ancient Greeks
chalk, to show the purity of their inten- loved their language more than ouzo
tions. This white toga was called toga and looked down on those who spoke
candida, from the Latin candidare (to a “lesser” tongue. To Greek ears,
whiten). From there, we get the English anyone prattling on in another lan-
words candidate (one seeking office) guage sounded as if they were saying
and candid (truthful), two words rarely bar-bar, the ancient equivalent of
uttered in the same sentence. blah-blah. This bar-bar babbling
led to the word bárbaros, meaning
IDIOT What’s the opposite of a can- “foreign and uncouth.” Barbarian
didate? An idiot, or idio-te-s in Greek. came to us from there.
Coming from the
word idios, meaning
“private,” an idiot was
anyone who didn’t
hold public office.
That later came to
mean “common man”
and, much later, “ig-
norant person,” which
is how it’s used today.
(What did the ancient
Greeks call a fool-
ish person? Moros,
which is the basis for
the modern moron.)

PUNCH The original
recipe for fruit punch,
as it was mixed in the
1600s, called for five
ingredients : sugar,
spice, lemon, water,
and booze. It’s said
that the name of the

Rd.com 57

Reader’s Digest

DISASTER From time immemorial, When someone is daydreaming
astrologers have been hunting for in Spain, they are pensando en la in-
divine messages in the stars. Coming mortalidad del cangrejo—literally,
from the Latin dis, meaning “asunder” “pondering the immortality of the
and astrum, meaning “star,” a disaster crab.”
means that the stars are against you
and that ill fortune is close at hand. Similarly, when someone’s mind
Just ask the dinosaurs, who were anni­ wanders in Poland, they are said to
hilated by an asteroid (from the Greek be “thinking about blue almonds”
word asteroeide-s, meaning “starlike”). (my´slec´ o niebieskich migdałach).

MAGAZINE Coming from the Arabic If you find yourself in a pickle in
word makhzan, meaning “storehouse,” Sweden, you aren’t caught with your
the term magazine was originally used pants down, you’re sitta med skägget
in the 1600s to describe books. Why? i brevlådan—“sitting with your beard
Because books were storehouses in the mailbox.”
of knowledge. Eventually, the word
came to describe printed periodicals, In English, a rare occurrence hap­
like the little storehouse of knowledge pens once in a blue moon. In Italian,
you’re holding right now. it happens ogni morte di Papa—on
“every death of a Pope.”

WHY DON’T WE SAY THAT? Traveling in Israel? If you ask for
directions to a town located in the
E nglish has no shortage of middle of nowhere, you might get
idioms that might sound this less­than­helpful response: Sof
batty to foreign ears. (It was ha’olam, smolah. (“At the end of the
raining cats and dogs? Really? How world, turn left.”)
many umbrellas did you go through?)
But North America hardly has a mono­ Uh­oh, did Grandpa forget the point
poly on colorful turns of phrase. Here of another story? In English, he’s lost
are a few foreign imports we should the plot; in Mandarin Chinese, he’s
consider adopting, pronto. “adding legs to a snake” (huà shé tia-
n zú).
Ever think of the perfect witty come­
back a moment too late for anyone to Had enough of this international
hear it? In France, you’ve got the es- inanity? Then buzz off! Or, as they say
prit de l’escalier—“wit of the staircase” in Farsi, Gooreto gom kon!—“Go lose
(because by the time the idea comes your grave!”
to you, you’ve already left the party).

58 september 2022

The Genius Issue

SO THAT’S WHY WE CALL THAT THAT

I n 1997, two smarty-pants, needing a name for their new data-index
website, came up with “googol,” which is the number one followed by a
hundred zeroes. Perfect! But as they typed Googol into a domain-name
search engine, they committed a critical typo. And the mistake stuck. Don’t be-
lieve us? Google it. Meanwhile, here are the stories behind other brand names.

Triscuit Häagen-Dazs ????? Nike VICTORY
Häagen-Dazs is short for Nike was named for
ELECTRICITY BISCUITS … absolutely nothing. the Greek goddess of
Triscuit is short for “elec- Reuben Mattus, who victory. Allegedly, the
tricity biscuit,” because moved to Brooklyn from shoe company’s famous
the first ones were Poland, created the ice “swoosh” logo represents
proudly produced with cream company in 1959. the fleet-footed god-
hydroelectric power. A Jew, he wanted to give dess’s wings.
his company a Danish-
Adidas ADI DASSLER sounding name in tribute Lego PLAY WELL
Adidas is an abbreviation to Denmark’s reputation Lego is a contraction
of “Adi Dassler,” one of for saving Jews during of the Danish phrase
two feuding Dassler World War II and settled leg godt, meaning
brothers from Germany on this nonsense phrase. “play well.”
who founded rival
shoe empires after
World War II (Adi’s
brother Rudi
founded Puma).

Rd.com 59

Reader’s Digest

WORDS WE GOTTA BRING BACK.
NO, REALLY, NOW!

L anguage is full of twists and turns—or, as our silver-tongued ancestors
might say, it’s full of crinkum-crankum. Words that were once com-
mon become obsolete, or downright ridiculous, just a few generations
later. Take these 19th-century slang words that we desperately need to bring
back. Can you figure out what they mean in the story below?

The day after my bachelor party, I woke up with the worst katzen­
jammer of my life. My head felt full of slumgullion, and collywobbles
battered my gut. I looked around the room, utterly bumfuzzled. The
whole apartment was cattywampus, with gubbins of chips and pizza
crusts strewn across the floor. Light shone slantindicular through
the window. What time was it, anyway? When I looked at the wall
clock, it was moving widdershins! I closed my eyes to shut out all the
flummadiddle—then I realized: I don’t own a wall clock! Had I been
hornswoggled, or did I somehow stumble into the wrong house???
I rose shakily to my feet and absquatulated as fast as I could. I’ve
never felt so crapulous in my life!

KEY:
katzenjammer: a hangover
slumgullion: meat stew
collywobbles: abdominal pains
bumfuzzled: confused
cattywampus: askew
gubbins: scraps
slantindicular: oblique; a portmanteau
of “slanted” and “perpendicular.”
widdershins: counterclockwise
flummadiddle: something nonsensical
or worthless
hornswoggle: to trick or deceive
absquatulate: depart suddenly
crapulous: sick from excessive drinking

60 september 2022

The Genius Issue

AHIPS! (ACRONYMS HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT)

F rom a casual LOL (Laugh Scuba diving? Hope your Self-
Out Loud) to your bank card Contained Underwater Breathing
PIN (Personal Identification Apparatus is working.
Number), acronyms infuse our lives
now more than ever. Sometimes, you Lube a greasy wheel with WD-40—
might not even realize you’re using that’s Water Displacement, 40th for-
one. For example: mula—a name straight out of the lab
book of the chemist who invented the
Did you know that laser is the stuff in 1953, after 39 failed attempts.
lazy way of saying Light Amplifica-
tion by the Stimulated Emission of Shop at IKEA? Thank founder Ingvar
Radiation? Kamprad, who grew up on the farm
of Elmtaryd near Agunnaryd, a town
Taser might shock you even more. in Sweden.
That’s the Tom A. Swift Electric Rifle,
named after a 1911 young adult ad- When in Sweden, listen to plenty of
venture novel that was much beloved ABBA. The famous pop quartet was
by NASA researcher Jack Cover, who named after its members: Agnetha,
invented the Taser in 1974. Björn, Benny, and Anni-Frid.

Rd.com 61

YOU’RE NOT FROM AROUND HERE,
SO LET ME TRANSLATE

G eorge Bernard Shaw report- 2) whoopensocker (Wisconsin)
edly quipped that Britain A. A football riot (common during
and America are two great games against Minnesota)
nations divided by a common lan- B. Something extraordinary or large;
guage. We’d take it one step further a whopper
and say that America is made of C. Regional sport that involves
50 great states divided by a common throwing cheese through a hoop
language. Don’t believe us? See if
you can figure out what the following 3) Arkansas toothpick (Arkansas)
regional slang words mean. A. Slang for tobacco
B. A branch from a fallen pine tree
1) going outside (Alaska) C. A single-edged hunting dagger,
A. To leave the state also called a bowie knife
B. To skinny-dip in winter
C. To relieve oneself, the way a bear 4) potato drop (Idaho)
in the woods does A. Heavy rain

62 september 2022

B. New Year’s Eve festivities The Genius Issue Reader’s Digest
C. When the price of a potato
falls below the price of gold THE POWER OF

5) Yooper (Michigan) A SINGLE WORD
A. Anyone from the state’s
Upper Peninsula O ne needn’t be a blabber-
B. A youth pastor (derogatory) mouth to get a point across.
C. Slang for “yep” When a Macedonian gen-
eral threatened to attack Sparta in
6) holler (West Virginia) the fourth century BC, he warned the
A. A remote backcountry area Spartan generals, “You are advised to
B. A prizewinning pig submit without further delay, for if
C. Grits laced with growth I bring my army on your land, I will
hormones (eaten chiefly destroy your farms, slay your people,
by prizewinning pigs) and raze your city.” The Spartans
replied with one word: “If.”
7) mom’n’em (New Orleans) Whoa! The Macedonians suddenly
A. Any bite-sized candy remembered they had to wash their
B. A contraction of “mom and hair that day and never attacked.
them,” meaning “family” Similarly, in 1944, during the Bat-
C. When a mom uses a homonym tle of the Bulge, German troops sur-
rounded Americans at Bastogne and
8) yinz (Pittsburgh) ordered them to surrender or face
A. Slang for “y’all” being wiped out. Brig. Gen. Anthony
B. Old steel coins that are still McAuliffe sent back this pithy reply:
accepted as currency “Nuts!” And, no, he wasn’t requesting
C. Breath mints snacks for his troops. Today, we’d use
something a little spicier and almost
9) baggin’ up (Delaware) as short, but the point got across and
A. To move to Maryland the Americans eventually fought their
B. To stand in the Delaware River way out.
with bags over one’s shoes Another benefit of brevity? It saves
C. To laugh, or crack up you on telegram fees. French author
Victor Hugo understood this in 1862
Answers: 1-A; 2-B; 3-C; 4-B; 5-A; when asking his publishers how sales
6-A; 7-B; 8-A; 9-C of his new book, Les Misérables, were
going. Too low on francs to send a
lengthy message, he instead tele-
graphed a single question mark. Hav-
ing sold all 7,000 copies of the book’s
first printing in less than 24  hours,

Rd.com 63

Reader’s Digest

Hugo’s publishers responded in WE CAN’T STRESS
kind—with a single exclamation point.
THIS ENOUGH
Sometimes even masters of brevity
need to employ a second word to make T ake a moment to admire this
their point. Take America’s 30th presi- sentence: “She told him that
dent, Calvin Coolidge—a man so tight- she loved him.” It’s a simple,
lipped that his friends nicknamed him straightforward profession of adoration.
Silent Cal. A popular story told by his Or is it? It doesn’t take much to change
wife, Grace, recalls Cal sitting next to a its meaning. Just place the word only
young woman at a Capitol Hill dinner anywhere in the sentence. Similarly,
party. The woman turned to Cal and the sentence “I didn’t say she stole my
said, “I made a bet today that I could money” is uncomplicated, until you re-
get more than two words out of you.” alize it has seven meanings depending
on which word is emphasized.
His reply? “You lose.”

64 september 2022

The Genius Issue

A TRIP TO THE “A plan for the improvement of the
English language,” and it just may
WORD BUFFET resolve many of the issues we have
regarding our fickle language.
S ynesthesia is a fancy name
for experiencing one of our In Year 1 that useless letter c would be
senses through another of dropped to be replased either by k or
our senses. For example, someone s, and likewise x would no longer be
might hear the word chair and see the part of the alphabet. The only kase in
color green. James Wannerton, on the which c would be retained would be
other hand, tastes words. As he told the ch formation, which will be dealt
the BBC, “The word college tastes like with later. Year 2 might reform w spell-
sausage. Karen tastes like yogurt. Yo- ing, so that which and one would take
gurt tastes, foully, of hair spray. Most the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
tastes like crisp, cold toast with hardly well abolish y, replasing it with i, and
any butter on it.” Scientists aren’t sure Iear 4 might fiks the g/j anomali wonse
what causes synesthesia, though the and for all.
genomes of synesthetes (those who
have it) seem different from typical Jenerally, then, the improvement
genomes. The result for Wannerton would kontinue iear bai iear with
is that reading and writing can be an Iear 5 doing awai with useless double
adventure, what with his taste buds konsonants, and Iears 6  to 12  or so
in overdrive with every sentence. modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining
But sometimes, it’s not so bad. “I get voist and unvoist konsonants.
tremendous joy,” he says, “out of writ-
ing the blandest e-mail.” Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi
posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant
NOW, THAT’S BETTER! letez c, y, and x—bai now jast a memori
in the maindz ov ould doderez—tu
T his gem, which we found riplais ch, sh, and th rispektivli.
on guidetogrammar.org,
has been attributed to both Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20  iers ov
Mark Twain and to a letter written to orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl,
the journal The Economist. It’s called kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe
Ingliy-spiking werld. RD

Whatever Moves You

I met my step goal by stirring extra cheese into my fettuccine Alfredo.

@torithemom

Rd.com 65

Reader’s Digest
66 september 2022

THE GENIUS ISSUE

What I’m
Currently
Reading

Classics? Self-help
books? Not for this
Reader’s Digest editor.

By Andy Simmons

illustrations by Gonçalo Viana

Rd.com 67

Reader’s Digest

ndy’s Speeding Ticket with the upbeat promise held out by
is a riveting crime Colgate Advanced Whitening. Stain
drama about “reckless removal, plaqueless teeth, a tartar-
driving,” a “bald tire,” free life—who wouldn’t be enthused
and “a left-rear light” by what the future holds? While the
language is often obtuse (“sorbitol,
A out. The sad ending sodium lauryl sulfate, propylene gly-
finds our protagonist col, carrageenan” … huh?) much of
$300 poorer. But that’s just skimming the tube is written in no-nonsense,
the surface of this complex and deep simple, bullet-pointed prose:
work, written by an Officer Kinney. • Help prevent cavities
• Help prevent gingivitis
In fact, what’s not said is just as • Help prevent plaque buildup
compelling as the written word • And also … Fight bad breath
on the page. In its essence, Andy’s
Speeding Ticket is a timeless tale of a Andy was particularly taken by the
father being driven out of his mind by phrase “And also.” After all, there is
the endless repetition of a Taylor Swift more to life than preventing cavi-
CD all the way from Rochester to New ties, gingivitis, and plaque buildup.
York City. But as our central charac- As the writer suggests, nice breath is
ter presses down on the pedal in a good too.
vain attempt to get home faster and
regain whatever sanity he might have Notable quote: “Brush teeth thor-
lost along the way, his odyssey takes
an unexpected detour. Suddenly he is oughly, preferably after each meal.”
pulled over by the only state trooper
within 50 miles, a particularly sadistic My Divorce Papers is a dull recitation
man who let escape that idiot in the of grievances, grand and small, real
Camaro—the one who was weaving and imagined. Much of the ground
in and out of traffic and pushing the covered here has been hashed over
speedometer into triple-digit territory in previous projects by the author,
while flipping Andy the bird when he Andy’s wife, such as her first work, Why
beeped—just to get our hero. Can’t You Ever Support Me When I
Argue with My Sister!?
Notable quote: “If you wish to con-
The result is a confusing jumble
test this ticket …” that veers from fact to fiction. In
this volume, the villain snaps at her
The wonder of science is that even each time she reorders his books by
during our bleakest days, it holds
hope. Whereas the layman sees a the color of the spine instead of
world awash in problems, sci- alphabetically by theme. While
entists see solutions. Thus it is this sounds petty on the sur-
face, it lacks context and

68 september 2022

The Genius Issue

instead on trips to the
international aisle of
his local ShopRite.

Notable quote:

“One inch equals
25 miles.”

history, such as the thousands of times Today’s contentious
Andy begged, “Please stop reordering political landscape and
my books!” spate of global conflicts
beg the question: Is a
And claims that he “leered at that harmonious world out
waitress” do not account for the fact of the question? It is
that Andy has astigmatism, which not, according to the
causes him to squint—which she Buddha Delight Chinese
knows very well, since she drove him Takeout Menu. Given
to the eye doctor! a special place in the
menu’s hierarchy, under the heading
Notable quote: “I want the house Chef ’s Specialty, is Happy Family.
This dish boldly holds out the prom-
and the good car.” ise that even ancient enemies such
as beef, chicken, shrimp, and pork
The Alps, Machu Picchu, Yellow- not only can live together in a brown
stone—they’re all here in The World sauce, but they can thrive. Should
Atlas, a fascinating exploration of you mistake Buddha Delight Chinese
the wonderful, exhilarating places Takeout Menu for some Pollyanna-
on Earth that Andy will never travel ish tome, you’d be mistaken. The ire
to. This work of fantasy crosses state of the militaristic General Tso’s bean
and national boundaries, oceans, and curd is on full display. A red pepper
mountains, whetting Andy’s appetite icon stamps it as hot and potentially
for fun and adventure—which, of volatile, and one is left to wonder if
course, he will not experience, settling the general has designs on other parts
of the menu—say, the noodles. That’s
certainly a mystery, but not as much
of a conundrum as why Andy must
have a minimum order of $15 to get
free delivery.

Notable quote: “Comes with white

rice.” RD

Rd.com 69

THE GENIUS ISSUE

The

ENDURING
DELIGHT

of the

DICTIONARY

Every unknown word is
a solvable mystery

By Rachel del Valle

From The New York Times

70 september 2022

Reader’s Digest

I can’t remember how old I was when I learned the words denotation
(the definition of a word) and connotation (the suggestion of a
word). But I do remember feeling a little betrayed by the idea that
there was a whole layer of language that couldn’t quite be conveyed
through a dictionary. Like most young people, I enjoyed learning
but thought of it as something I would eventually be done with. At
some age, I assumed, I would need to know everything. Understand-
ing the nuances of language seemed like an obstacle to that goal.

Photo illustration by Derek brahney for the new york times It wasn’t until after I graduated the bottom of the page, then look up
from college, and subsequently re- words in spurts. When I start encoun-
alized that there’s no such thing as tering these words—newly resplen-
all-encompassing knowledge, that dent to my pattern-seeking mind, in
I was able to read for pleasure. A sense articles, podcasts, other books, and
of curiosity, rather than desperate even the occasional conversation—
completism, steered me. I started to the linguistic universe seems to shrink
see dictionaries, inexact as they are, to the size of a small town.
as field guides to the life of language.
Looking up words encountered in Dictionaries heighten my senses:
the wild felt less like a failing than an They direct my attention outward,
admission that there are lots of things into a conversation with language.
I don’t know and an opportunity to They make me wonder what other
discover just how many. things I’m blind to because I haven’t
taught myself to notice them yet.
I prize my 1954 copy of Webster’s Recently spotted specimens include
New International Dictionary, Sec- orrery, “a mechanical model, usually
ond Edition, which I picked up on the clockwork, devised to represent the
street near my apartment in Brooklyn motions of the moon and Earth (and
a few years ago. Its 3,000 pages (India sometimes also other planets) around
paper, with a marbled fore edge) are the sun.” The Oxford English Diction-
punctuated by a thumb index. I keep ary (OED) also tells me that the word
it open, solitary on a tabletop, the comes from the fourth Earl of Orrery,
way dictionaries are usually found for whom a copy of the first machine
in libraries. I often consult it during was made, around 1700. Useful? Obvi-
evening games of Scrabble or mid- ously not. Satisfying? Deeply.
day magazine reading. I mostly read
novels at night, in bed, so when I come Wikipedia and Google answer ques-
across unfamiliar words, I dog-ear tions with more questions, opening
up pages of information you never

Rd.com 71

Reader’s Digest

asked for. But a dictionary builds on Webster, who corresponded with the PM IMages/getty IMages
common knowledge, using simple likes of Benjamin Franklin and John
words to explain more complex ones. Adams, saw lexicography as an act of
Using one feels as if I’m prying open patriotism. He believed that establish-
an oyster rather than falling down ing American standards of spelling
a rabbit hole. Unknown words be- and definition was necessary to solid-
come solvable mysteries. Why leave ify the young nation’s cultural identity
them up to guesswork? Why not con- as separate from that of England.
sult a dictionary and feel the instant
gratification of pairing context with Perhaps because of Webster’s
a definition? enthusiasm for rules, dictionaries
have long had an unfair reputation as
Dictionaries reward you for paying arbiters of language, as tools used to
attention, both to the things you con- limit rather than expand your range
sume and to your own curiosity. They of expression. But dictionaries don’t
are a portal into the kind of irratio- create language—people do. Take
nal, childish urge to just know things, dilettante. The superficial connota-
which I had before learning became a tion of the word is a modern inven-
duty instead of a game. tion. Noah Webster’s aforementioned
American Dictionary defines it as “one
There are, of course, many dif- who delights in promoting science or
ferent dictionaries. The way they’ve the fine arts.” The OED cites its con-
proliferated over time is a reminder nection to the Latin verb delectare,
of just how futile it is to approach meaning “to delight or please.” To be
language as something that can be a dilettante once meant that love and
fully understood and contained. curiosity drove your interest in a given
Samuel Johnson’s Dictionary of the discipline.
English Language, published in 1755,
defined a paltry 40,000 words. The For me, dictionaries are a por-
original OED, proposed by the Philo- tal into that kind of uncalculated
logical Society of London in 1857 and knowledge-seeking. They remind me
completed more than 70 years later, that, when it comes to learning, indulg-
contained over 400,000 entries. ing your curiosity is just as important
as paying attention. After all, isn’t cu-
The Merriam-Webster universe is riosity really just another form of atten-
a direct descendant of Noah Web- tion? Following your curiosity instead
ster’s An American Dictionary of the of swatting it away is one of the best
English Language, published in 1828. ways I know to feel connected to more
Compiled by Webster alone over the than what’s right in front of you. RD
course of more than 20 years, it con-
tained 70,000 words, nearly a fifth of the New york tIMes (NoveMber 3, 2021), CoPyrIght
which had never been defined before. © 2021 the New york tIMes CoMPaNy.

72 september 2022

The Genius Issue

Using a dictionary feels as if I’m prying open an oyster
rather than falling down a rabbit hole.

Rd.com 73

THE GENIUS ISSUE

We asked readers and they shared theirs,
whether in the dictionary or made up

By Reader’s Digest Readers

74 september 2022

Reader’s Digest

Geraldine rowe/Getty imaGes, Cera ProPPer (hand letterinG) Copacetic Recombobulate

adj. (ko-puh-'seh-tik) v. (rih-kuhm-'bah-b(y)uh-layt)
Everything is A-OK. My father always To reorient. I encountered it after
said it, and when I was a kid I thought going through security at Milwau-
he made it up. It always reminds me kee’s General Mitchell International
of him and makes me smile. Airport. The airport has a big sign
—M.f. via rd.com hanging over some chairs: “Recom-
bobulation Area.”
Momniscient —Clyde Haggard
Fort Worth, Texas
adj. (mahm-'ni-shuhnt)
I have three kids. I always knew when Cwm
they were up to something, no matter
how covert—just a little tickle in the n. (koom)
back of my brain. It’s a word with Welsh etymology that
—Cindy Poch describes the steep-sided hollow at
Stillwater, Minnesota the head of a valley or mountainside.
I love it because it has no vowels and
Maffick is a great move during Scrabble and
other word games.
v. ('ma-fik) —Roberta Johnson
To celebrate with boisterous rejoicing Arlington Heights, Illinois
and hilarious behavior. I learned it
while watching Jeopardy!. It turns out Refulgent
I had been mafficking my whole life
and didn’t even know it. adj. (rih-'ful-juhnt)
—Mary Venis Shining brightly. My late husband was
Brooklyn, New York delighted that this word’s meaning
was so far from the look and sound of
Tympanomastoidectomy it. His fun was contagious, and it be-
came my favorite word too.
n. (tim-puh-no-ma-stoi-'dek-tuh-mee) —Jean Lehman
A surgical procedure to treat a dam- Rancho Santa Margarita, California
aged eardrum that can involve re-
building bones in the middle ear. Appendectomy
More importantly, this word means
my wife of 44 years can hear me! She n. (a-puhn-'dek-tuh-mee)
can also hear her grandkids sing, The removal of an app from any elec-
nature at its best, and those old tronic device. As a physician, I find the
movies we love to watch again. double meaning especially amusing.
—Chuck Hoey —Robert Bellinoff
Wills Point, Texas El Dorado Hills, California

Rd.com 75

Reader’s Digest

n., v. (smi(uh)lz)
It’s the longest word in the dictionary:

There’s a mile between the two s’s!
My mother always loved that silly joke.

—Richard Stockton
Virginia Beach, Virginia

Yessay Y’all owngarden/getty Images (sky),
geraldIne rowe/getty Images (plane)
n. ('yeh-say) pro. (yol)
A piece of writing that one can’t help I’m a high school teacher with a slight
but be excited to create. I made it up southern accent. One day, I asked
to get my students excited about writ- what the disturbance in the back of
ing in our middle school language arts the classroom was. It turned out our
classroom. Another teacher made me new foreign exchange student was
a sweatshirt with “YESsay” stitched flipping all through his Chinese dic-
into it. We want to get it into the dic- tionary for “y’all.” Of course it wasn’t
tionary. Anything to get the kids to there. I thought I’d lost my accent, but
smile when they write. apparently it still comes through!
—Jaime Weller —Susan Maasberg
Farmington, New York Williamsburg, Michigan

76 september 2022

The Genius Issue

Paraprosdokian Delmarvelous

n. (pair-uh-prahz-'dok-ih-uhn) adj. (del-'mahrv-(uh-)luhs)
A figure of speech in which the latter The Delmarva Peninsula runs along
part of the sentence is unexpected and the Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia
causes you to reinterpret the first part, coasts. Locals often declare “What a
usually for humorous or dramatic ef­ Delmarvelous Day!” to celebrate liv­
fect. E.g., “If I agreed with you, we’d ing along this beautiful shore.
both be wrong” or “War doesn’t de­ —Pat Petersen
termine who is right, only who is left.” Delmar, Maryland
—Richard Jacobs
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Cahoots

Jawn n. (kuh-'hootz)
Colluding or conspiring together.
n. (juh-'awh-n) There used to be a bar with that name
This is a Philadelphia catchall for just near my job. I thought it just meant
about anything. It can refer to pretty a gathering place: “Where are you?”
much any person, place, or thing. For “We’re in Cahoots!”
example, “Pass me that jawn,” or “He’s —Debra Sovich
a good jawn.” Baden, Pennsylvania
—Anna Nolasco
Glendora, New Jersey Imagination

Lonesick n. (ih-ma-juh-'nay-shuhn)
Whenever it comes up in conver­
adj. ('lon(t)-sik) sation, no matter the context, there’s
Lonesome and homesick. It conveys always potential for great things
way more than either of its parents. to happen.
—Heidi Keifer —Gene Perry
Abington, Pennsylvania Dubuque, Iowa RD

AndyL/Getty ImAGes GOT A GREAT STORY TO SHARE?

We’re always looking for your true stories, and this time we’re looking ahead to
the new year. What’s a resolution you made (whether at the stroke of midnight
on December 31 or anytime) that really stuck? What did you resolve to do—or
stop doing—and how did your resolution change your life? Likewise, what vow
did you make that didn’t quite take? Because funny stories of failure are just
as worthy of sharing as sincere stories of success! Please share your stories
of good intentions, regardless of the outcome,
and see terms, at rd.com/resolution.

Rd.com 77

Reader’s Digest

HEALTH

THE
PLACEBO

CURE

WHY DOCTORS ARE PRESCRIBING
SUGAR PILLS INSTEAD OF THE REAL THING

By Lia Grainger

Photographs by K. Synold

Rd.com | septembeR 2022 79

Reader’s Digest Health

M ICHAEL WHARRAD HELD opened the envelope to find out what tmb studio
the envelope in his he’d been taking, he saw the word
hands, certain of what “placebo.”
the paper inside would
tell him. A decade ear- “I was speechless,” he says. “I had
lier, he’d been diag- been feeling so much better.”
nosed with Parkinson’s
disease. For a year, the former invest- A pLACEbo CAn be a sugar pill, a saline
ment banker had participated in a injection, or a glass of colored wa-
drug trial at London’s National Hos- ter—inert treatments that shouldn’t
pital for Neurology and Neurosurgery. produce a physiological response.
Researchers were testing whether a But they often do. Wharrad’s case is
medication approved to treat Type 2 not unusual. In fact, placebos are in-
diabetes could also treat Parkinson’s creasingly proving to be more power-
symptoms. Every day, Wharrad had ful than active drugs in trials—and
received a dose of either the drug or they may just be the key to reducing
a placebo, but he never knew which. our dependence on medications.

THE BRAIN-BODY The so-called placebo effect hap-
pens when the brain convinces the
RESPONSE CONTROLS body that a fake treatment is authentic,
which stimulates relief. The medical
THE PLACEBO EFFECT. community has long been aware of this
phenomenon, but in the past 50 years,
During the trial, Wharrad thrived. neurologists began examining the
His joints ached less, and he could get molecular mechanisms and pathways
up from a chair more easily and take at play when a mock treatment creates
walks around the block. He also no- real healing. To a large extent, it’s still a
ticed that his memory seemed stron- mystery. But scientists have confirmed
ger. Friends and family commented that simply perceiving that you’re be-
on his obvious improvement. “My ing treated affects the part of our brain
wife and I were convinced I was tak- that processes symptoms.
ing the drug,” he says.
Because the body-brain response
But at his end-of-trial meeting with that controls the placebo effect is
one of the researchers—who also neurological, placebos work best for
didn’t know whether or not Wharrad, conditions controlled by the neuro-
then 72, had been on the drug—he logical system, such as pain, irritable
was delivered a surprise. When he bowel syndrome, depression, and Par-
kinson’s disease. They can’t change
things like a viral infection, and they
won’t lower your cholesterol, shrink

80 september 2022

a tumor, or reduce a cold’s duration. of “pharmacological conditioning”—
When placebos do work, expecta- when clinicians teach a patient how to
respond to a placebo by first adminis-
tions play a significant role: If you tering an active treatment. According
think a pill can cure you, it’s more to Luana Colloca, MD, a professor at
likely to do so. In a Lancet review the University of Maryland’s depart-
of placebo studies, researchers de- ment of anesthesiology, this can re-
scribed a case where post-surgery pa- sult in the strongest placebo effect.
tients were given morphine for pain. Studying this phenomenon across a
For some, the medication was deliv- range of conditions, Dr. Colloca has
ered secretly with a hidden pump, observed that placebos use the same
while others received it from a phy- neurological pathway of the brain as
sician who explained that it would the medications did.
make them feel better. The patients
expecting the drug and its positive “The placebo response is like a
effects experienced a far greater re- pharmacological memory,” she says,
duction in pain than those who were explaining that it’s similar to a trauma
unaware they had received it. response, where the brain reacts to
a traumatic event and then is later
Placebos can also work as a result

Rd.com 81

triggered to replicate that same re- significantly better than
sponse. This specificity means that a placebo in a random-
placebos for depression activate sero- ized, double-blind,
tonin, and those replacing painkillers placebo-controlled trial
reduce activity in the brain centers re- (in this type of trial, nei-
sponsible for pain while activating the ther the researchers nor
opioid systems, or pleasure centers. the participants know
In other words, your brain is tricked who is receiving what).
into generating a drug response. Over the past two de-
cades, scientists and
Placebos are so powerful that drug companies have
they’re affecting the chances that noticed that placebos
a medication will be approved for are helping patients so
use. To prove that a drug works, sci- much that some drugs
entists must show that it performs can no longer outper-
form them—not be-
cause the drugs are less
effective, but because
the mind’s power over
the body seems to be
growing. In fact, a 2021
Danish meta-analysis of
180 drug trials showed
that, in total, more than
half of the treatment effect could be
attributed to a placebo.
This increase is not well under-
stood, according to Lene Vase, PhD,
a professor of neuroscience and
psychology at Aarhus University in
Denmark, but it’s presenting a prob-
lem for drug companies. “Some drugs
that were approved in the past would
not beat a placebo today,” she says.
Currently, this phenomenon seems
to be strongest in the United States.
Testing results for the drug luma-
teperone provide a typical example.
In 2019, pharmaceutical company

82 september 2022

Health Reader’s Digest

Intra-Cellular Therapies was on the of study, and experts say we should
verge of a major development for the harness the strategies that generate the
treatment of bipolar depression; it had most powerful placebo effects in drug
performed well in earlier trial phases, trials and incorporate them into clini-
and the company’s scientists were ex- cal treatments. It may sound unlikely,
pecting success. Yet in the American but in some cases, placebos work even
arm of the trial, patients who received if you know you’re taking one.
the drug and those who received the
placebo both experienced significant The effectiveness of “open-label pla-
improvement. When Intra-Cellular re- cebos”—sometimes also called “pure”
leased its findings showing the drug placebos—has been shown in numer-
had failed to consistently outperform ous studies. In one published in the
a placebo in part of its trial, its stock journal PLoS One, a team of research-
dropped 22 percent—although the ers gave patients with irritable bowel
drug was later approved by the FDA
due to success in other countries. “THE KEY TO SUCCESSFUL

Jeffrey Mogil, PhD, who studies PLACEBO TREATMENT IS
pain at McGill University in Mon-
treal, published a paper in 2015 HONESTY, NOT TRICKS.”
showing that the placebo effect had
increased, especially in the United syndrome inactive pills labeled “pla-
States. He posits that, because Amer- cebo.” Those patients experienced a
ican trials are often more expensive 60 percent improvement in their con-
and hosted in nice clinics, the patient dition, while those receiving no treat-
is conditioned to believe the medica- ment improved only 35 percent.
tion must work.
“The key ingredient to successful
Neuroscientist Alexander Tuttle, treatment with a placebo is honesty,
PhD, a coauthor of the McGill study, not tricks,” asserts Ted Kaptchuk, PhD,
hypothesizes that advertising also director of Harvard University’s Pro-
plays a part: People who view ads de- gram in Placebo Studies and Thera-
picting patients helped by pharma- peutic Encounter, who led the study.
ceuticals could also be more likely to
believe the pill they take in a trial will Already, without telling patients,
heal them. (The United States is the some doctors prescribe an active
only country besides New Zealand treatment—a vitamin or an antibiotic,
that allows pharmaceutical compa- for example—that they know will likely
nies to advertise prescription medi- not treat the ailment but may gener-
cation directly to consumers.) ate a placebo effect. In fact, a 2018
international review of studies from
Placebo research is now its own area

Rd.com 83

Reader’s Digest Health

13 countries found that up to 89 per- In 2017, more than two dozen
cent of physicians reported using international placebo researchers
placebo treatments at least once a gathered in the Netherlands to begin
month. Doctors surveyed said they did developing official recommendations
this to treat nonspecific complaints around the use of open-label place-
or to satisfy patients’ demands that bos, some of which were published
something be prescribed. The hope, last year. They include informing pa-
then, is that open-label placebos could tients about placebo effects and fos-
replace this ethically murky practice. tering warm, trusting, and empathetic
patient-doctor relationships.
AFTER JUST A WEEK,
This potential transformation in
MOST OF MACK’S JAW PAIN medicine has already changed the
lives of some patients. Troy Mack, a
HAD DISAPPEARED. 57-year-old Baltimore resident, had
been suffering for two decades from
“Use of open-label placebos would intense pain in his face, neck, and
reduce the amount of medication we jaw from temporomandibular (TMD)
use for common conditions,” adds joint disorder. When researchers at
Kaptchuk. the University of Maryland, includ-
ing Colloca, announced a study of an
Although knowingly taking a faux experimental TMD treatment, Mack
treatment won’t be for everyone— was told that, based on his medi-
Wharrad, for instance, isn’t convinced cal history, he could be a good pla-
that he would have experienced the cebo responder.
improvements in his Parkinson’s
symptoms had he been aware he was That prediction turned out to be
taking a placebo—one 2016 American correct. After just a week of knowingly
study published in BMJ Open found taking a placebo, most of Mack’s jaw
that up to 85 percent of the 853 re- pain had disappeared. His face felt
spondents felt it was acceptable for more relaxed, and the joint no longer
doctors to treat with open-label pla- cracked when he yawned. He was fi-
cebos in various scenarios. nally experiencing relief.

“If I could get a long-term prescrip-
tion for this, I would take it,” he says. RD

A Question for Marie Kondo

If you rob a Container Store, does that count as organized crime?

@emily_murnane

84 september 2022 | rd.com

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DRAMA IN REAL LIFE

THE GREAT

9 11

MARITIME
RESCUE

86 september 2022 | rd.com

Reader’s Digest

We’ve read about so many heroes
of that fateful day, yet somehow
this mission—the largest of its kind
in history—remains largely unknown

By Garrett M. Graff

From New York MagaziNe

Reader’s Digest

On a bright-blue cities in the world, like queries related previous spread: Chan irwin
morning 21 years to charity swims and the Macy’s Fourth
ago, Coast Guard of July fireworks. He had negotiated
Lt. Michael Day with the Mets when their new stadium
was at his office on lights blinded mariners, and he’d had
Staten Island, look- to tell David Letterman that, no, he
ing out over lower could not launch watermelons across
Manhattan. He was the Hudson River toward New Jersey.
a relatively junior officer whose job in-
volved the safety and navigation over- It hardly seemed a job destined for
sight of the New York waterways. He history. So, soon after 8:46 a.m., when
also dealt with all the odd questions he heard that a plane had crashed into
that tend to crop up in the congested one of the World Trade Center tow-
rivers and harbor of one of the largest ers, Day had the same thought that
so many Americans did: What an odd

88 september 2022

Drama in Real Life

© 2001. New York CitY PoliCe DePartmeNt. More than 200 private Then the second plane hit. And the
all rights reserveD. chaos began.
boats became the sole
Over the hours ahead, Day and his
means of escape for half a colleagues at the Sandy Hook Pilots
Association—the specially licensed
million frightened people. sailors who help larger vessels safely
get in and out of the harbor—would
accident. Likely a small plane—maybe help orchestrate the largest maritime
a helicopter. He watched CNN for a few evacuation in world history, larger
moments, then went back to his desk even than the famous British rescue
and kept working. Every so often, he’d at Dunkirk.
glance over his shoulder at the plume
of smoke visible out the window, but With no plan and little direction,
he wasn’t alarmed. He’d worked in they would cobble together a make-
the Twin Towers in his previous job shift civilian armada of fishing vessels,
with the Port Authority, and every- pleasure yachts, tugboats, and pas-
one knew how robust they were—the senger ferries that would evacuate an
legend was that they could withstand estimated 500,000 people from the tip
a Boeing  707 crashing into them. of lower Manhattan—desperate, wor-
Whatever had happened, it was not a ried, dust-enveloped people trapped
job for the Coast Guard. by the closure of the island’s bridges
and tunnels. Today, the maritime res-
cue and evacuation of lower Manhat-
tan remains one of the least-known
dramas of that day—perhaps the
greatest mostly unknown story of 9/11.

In that first hour, the morning kept
turning from bad to worse. The
collapse of the South Tower and the
ensuing cloud of debris rendered the
Coast Guard’s harbor radar blind.
Reports began to come in of panicked
crowds piling up along Battery Park
at the southern tip of Manhattan.

Day decided to head there him-
self. He met up with a Sandy Hook
pilot at a nearby dock, and with the
crew of the Pilots Association’s main
station boat, the 184-foot New York,

Rd.com 89

Reader’s Digest Drama in Real Life

they steamed toward lower Manhat- New York’s mariners answered, and
tan. The scene looked almost biblical within 15 to 20 minutes the horizon
as they drew closer, with gray smoke began to fill with boats of all shapes,
hanging over the Hudson. This, Day sizes, and functions.
recalls thinking, is Pearl Harbor.
The flotilla that day included up-
“You could see everyone on the ward of 130 boats: harbor launches,
piers,” Day told a Coast Guard historian fishing vessels, sightseeing ships, and
in 2002. “It was wall-to-wall people.” dinner-cruise boats, as well as 33 fer-
ries and 50 tugboats, plus numerous
By the time the New York arrived at fire department, police department,
Battery Park, some boats were already and Coast Guard rescue boats. An
beginning to ferry people away. It was NYPD marine officer, Keith Duval, had
clear to Day and the Sandy Hook pi- even commandeered a pleasure yacht
lots, as they nosed around the south- from the nearby North Cove Marina.
ern edge of Manhattan, that the scale “Rich people always leave the keys in
of the ad hoc effort was being dwarfed the boat,” Duval told a fellow officer.
Sure enough, after finding the keys,
“I BROKE MORE RULES Duval and his colleagues made ten
THAT DAY THAN I’VE trips to New Jersey and back over the
course of the day.
ENFORCED IN MY COAST
GUARD CAREER.” For hours, Day and the Sandy
Hook pilots played traffic cop, usher-
by the swarms of evacuees. Some peo- ing boats in and out of the area. The
ple ended up in the water, jumping for harbor was so crowded with vessels
safety in fear of further collapses, or that Day and the pilots switched to
falling in amid the confusion. communicating with the other boats
by hand signals—the radio channels
At midmorning, they called for were too overloaded for the finesse
help—lots of help. As Day told me, needed to navigate safely. Waves of
“We decided to make the call on the boats came in empty, loaded up, and
radio: ‘All available boats, this is the moved back out.
United States Coast Guard aboard the
pilot boat New York. Anyone avail- At one point, someone suggested
able to help with the evacuation of emptying North Cove Marina of the
lower Manhattan, report to Gover- rest of the fancy yachts docked there.
nors Island.’” The Coast Guard’s Ves- Day gulped and gave the go-ahead,
sel Traffic Service for New York—the watching as tugboats pulled out one
equivalent of the harbor’s air traffic multimillion-dollar vessel after an-
controllers—put out a similar call. other. Oh boy, I hope I’m doing the
right thing, he thought.

90 september 2022

Shocked
Coast Guard
crew members
watched as the
towers fell.

Petty Officer 3rd class thOmas sPerdutO “I broke more rules that day than The official accepted the explanation
probably I’ve enforced in my whole and left.
Coast Guard career,” Day said later.
“We authorized a lot of regulations to The volunteer crews began to hang
be broken.” banners from their bows with their
intended destinations—Brooklyn,
A Staten Island ferry, for example, Staten Island, New Jersey—but mostly
which normally handles 5,200 pas- they found people eager to leave to
sengers, left on one trip carrying more wherever. “All I wanted to do was
than 6,000. Day was amazed at how get off that island,” said a teacher at
naturally people reacted to author- a high school that was located in the
ity—any authority. shadow of the towers.

At one point, a diesel barge pulled The line of evacuees stretched
up at the seawall to begin refueling the for blocks, with some people wait-
fire trucks that were tirelessly throw- ing more than three hours for a ride.
ing water on the still-burning blazes Every boat seemed to pull away over-
at ground zero. A city official tried to crowded. “It was like being the last
protest that the barge needed a per- lifeboat on the Titanic,” ferry captain
mit. Day intervened, making it up as Rick Thornton recounted later to
he went along, announcing, “This is writer Jessica DuLong, whose book
a Coast Guard operation and I’m tell- Dust to Deliverance is one of the few
ing you that it’s authorized right now.” accounts of the boatlift.

Rd.com 91

Ferries transported
stranded civilians
from Manhattan
across the Hudson
River to New Jersey.

Many of the evacuating boats carried how he hadn’t even understood that © 2001. New York CitY PoliCe DePartmeNt. all rights reserveD.
away injured victims. Day and other the buildings had completely fallen.
officials tried to coordinate where am-
bulances were waiting in New Jersey, “As we were going across the river,
Staten Island, and elsewhere. “We were I was looking back at the city, expect-
getting calls from cell phones,” he said. ing to see the World Trade Center—
“I remember someone on Ellis Island expecting to see a tower with the top
saying, ‘We’ve got 40-odd ambulances off. They weren’t there,” he said later.
lined up—bring them over here.’ And “I said to the guy driving the boat,
then hearing someone else, ‘We’ve got ‘Where’s the World Trade Center?’
ambulances over here in Brooklyn. He said, ‘Buddy, they’re gone.’ I said,
Bring them here.’” ‘Look, I was there when the tops of the
buildings came down, but where’s the
When boats pulled away from lower rest of the buildings?’ He said, ‘Buddy,
Manhattan, evacuees got their first it wasn’t the tops of the buildings. They
glimpse of the changed skyline be- collapsed down to the foundations.’”
hind them—and that’s when they un-
derstood the enormity of the attacks. As lower Manhattan gradually
Frank Razzano, who that morning had emptied boat by boat, the mission of
been staying in the Marriott hotel nes- the boatlift shifted. Instead of taking
tled between the Twin Towers, recalled civilians out, by around 4:30 p.m. the
flotilla began to bring rescuers and

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Drama in Real Life Reader’s Digest

supplies in from New Jersey. “We the worst evil humankind can offer,
started getting calls that supplies were Americans of all stripes that morning
coming into Jersey and all the bridges came together to help.
were shut down into Manhattan,”
Day said. “They said, ‘Hey, can we get “There was a common purpose,”
someone to pick up some supplies?’ Day said. “It was very clear what the
I asked if anyone would mind going purpose was—what we were trying
over to Colgate in New Jersey and to accomplish—we were trying to get
picking up some supplies, and I was people out of there.”
inundated. ‘Sure, I’ll do it.’ ‘I’ll do it.’
‘I’ll do it.’ Great. It wasn’t my intent—it AMERICANS CAME
just kind of happened.” TOGETHER THAT
MORNING FOR A
As the hours passed and the needs COMMON PURPOSE.
grew, the supplies multiplied—bottled
water, acetylene for steel cutting, oxy- Late that evening, Lieutenant Day
gen, wrenches, meals. At one point, and the Sandy Hook pilots walked into
Day saw a request from New York City lower Manhattan for the first time.
officials for 20,000 body bags. The devastation awed him. “There
are papers coming down—there’s
This Herculean effort went largely un- always like snow, from the white ash,
noticed by the media at the time. And whenever a breeze would come up,”
yet, the boatlift stands out as one of he said. He paused, considering the
the most illustrative threads of the buildings that he’d once worked in.
day. First, it is an example of an event “Unrecognizable.”
that, on any other day, would rank as
among the most dramatic in American But most of all, in the dark of
history. But like the air traffic control- that night near ground zero, with
lers who urgently landed 4,500 planes the power off and fires burning all
nationwide, or Vice President Dick around, he remembers the chirp-
Cheney’s mustering the U.S. govern- ing emergency distress signals from
ment’s response from the bunker scores of firefighters buried in the
underneath the White House, the mar- rubble. In a day where his efforts had
itime evacuation of lower Manhattan helped rescue the equivalent popula-
was initially unnoticed in the midst of tion of a midsize city, the sound that
the enormous calamity of the attacks. haunts him is that of all the people
who weren’t saved. RD
Second, and perhaps more impor-
tantly, the boatlift is the largest-scale New York MagaziNe (SepteMber 11, 2021),
example of what is the ultimately hope- CopYright © 2021 Vox Media, LLC.
ful legacy of 9/11—that in reaction to

Rd.com 93

94 september 2022 illustrations by Angelica Alzona

INSPIRATION

My Southern
Accent, Lost
and Found

For years, I denied this part of myself,
until I realized what I was missing

By Becca Andrews

From jezebel.com

B efore I thought I needed to shed my South-
ernness, I was proud of my heritage. As a child,
I dreamed of raising Black Angus cattle the way
my Uncle Ted did, scratching out a big vegetable bed,
making a home on an acre or two of grass for bare-
foot children to run across until their soles itched.
There was no sound I loved more than my grand-
mother’s accent: thick, sweet, warm, unencumbered.
When the phone rang, she answered with a throaty
“mmmyyehllo?” My own voice reflected my family’s
past and present—part northern Mississippi, part
Tennessee delta, all southern.

As my childhood receded, I began to realize that
outside of our region, southerners were often dis-
missed as uncultured and uneducated, ignorant
and narrow-minded. I was ready to leave behind my

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Reader’s Digest

tiny town in West Tennessee and start assuming it was somewhere up north;
a new life in some far-off metropolis. I beamed with pride at the mistake.

In that awkward space between Emily is two years younger. I knew
teenager and adult, my accent was she cared about my opinion, and her
a symbol of everything I thought admiration soothed my simmering
I hated about my life in the rural insecurities. I advised her to be more
South. My conflation of vowels con- like me, and exorcise her signature
noted ignorance. My elongation of Manchester, Tennessee, accent. It was
final consonants gave away a rough- advice that I lobbed at her through-
around-the-edges nature that I feared out our college years, sometimes ear-
would disqualify me from being a nestly, more often by poking fun at
lauded magazine writer. her doubled-down vowel sounds. It
was a bit—it was our bit, I insisted to
My voice screamed out my class myself, taking that pained look on her
status. I thought I would have to talk face as part of the shtick. It was not
less country. So I killed a piece of my- fun for her, and deep down, I knew it.
self. I am ashamed of it, but I am more
ashamed that I tried to kill that part During my senior year, I took it
of someone else. upon myself to “help” Emily prepare
for a broadcast she had to deliver for
“Girl, don’t you a class. I would be the Henry Higgins
to her Eliza Doolittle. In a photo I
forget where you took that night, she’s frozen in time,
her brow furrowed, literally clutching
come from.” the string of pearls around her neck.
Her lips are pursed, concentrating on
I met Emily in college at Middle pronunciation.
Tennessee State University, a school
known for its affordability and its “I,” I say, firmly.
proximity to Nashville. She was deter- “Ahye,” Emily responds, helplessly.
mined to work for the student news- She tries to bite off the extra syllable,
paper, which is where I spent most but it lingers, a thready pull of thick
of my waking hours, and she decided caramel. Exasperated, she tosses aside
we should be friends, and so we were. her glasses.
She, unlike me, embraced her roots. “Like,” I say.
She was—and still is—always good for “Lahyke.”
a tube of lipstick or a Steel Magnolias It went on like this for an hour.
reference or a vat of homemade mac I told myself I was helping her achieve
’n’ cheese. Early in our friendship, her dream of working for NPR. Now,
her mother asked where I was from, I see that it was more about justifying
what I had done to myself.

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Inspiration

My grandmother Carolyn used to be poor. After she married my grand-
tell me, “Girl, don’t you forget where daddy, David, a boy from 20 minutes
you come from.” Memories are cor- away in Houlka, they settled in Tupelo
rupted by time and emotion, but this to have their own family.
one remained etched in my mind with
uncomfortable clarity. She studied me His parents fancied themselves
with her clear blue eyes while she let city folks and did not approve of their
her appeal hang in the air, sometimes son’s marriage to a country girl, but
wrapping her gnarled, arthritic fingers she never told me this. I learned of
around my hands. it after she died, and now I wonder
if that’s the origin of her command:
My grandmother is the foundation Don’t forget.
for what I understand a Southern
Woman to be. She said exactly what I tell you all of this because lineage
she meant, always at a slow, deliber- is important in southern families—it
ate cadence. She was born and raised forms the base of our identities, and
in the half-pony town of Pontotoc, it is the context for the stories we tell
Mississippi, the daughter of share- ourselves and each other through time.
croppers, known to me in family lore Now that I am grown, now that I have
as Big Mama and Big Daddy. She sur- left the South, it is important to me too.
vived the Depression, but for the rest
of her adult life, she seemed haunted The process of eliminating my
by the memories of what it was like to accent began in high school with
Gilmore Girls. I carefully studied
the speech patterns of Emily, Lore-

lai, Rory, and Paris, trying to
memorize the quips and the
pop culture references. After
each episode, I’d stand before
a mirror, practicing the char-
acters’ spitfire cadence in an
effort to speak like a “normal”
white upper-middle-class girl.
Eventually, I was successful at
breaking down my tongue and
rebuilding it.

It wasn’t just my voice that
needed to be recorded over.
The summer before I left
for college, I lost weight and
swapped my ratty pop-punk
band T-shirts and worn jeans

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for the cheap fast-fashion at For- inflection. No “y’alls,” no “ain’ts.” Our
ever 21. I lightened the eyeliner, wore teachers were reacting to a very real
twee jewelry that turned my skin judgment that came from a “profes-
green, pierced my nose, and went sional” ideal. This was before Dolly
to a beauty school to get a better Parton was anointed to sainthood.
haircut on a budget. And every time
I spoke up in class or extended a fake- In mainstream popular culture,
confident hand toward someone more white southerners of a lower class
cosmopolitan, I did it with the clear- were reduced to hicks, to the delight
est enunciation I could muster. If of elite tastemakers. The Dukes of Haz-
I was asked where I was from, I would zard, The Beverly Hillbillies, Forrest
say “near Memphis” or make a deri- Gump, Duck Dynasty. When I visited
sive jab at my country background. the University of California, Berkeley,
Over the years, my career started to to decide whether to go to graduate
fall into place—I moved up to be edi- school there, I let slip that I was from
tor-in-chief of the student paper, and a small town in the South, and a girl
I got an internship with the Tennessean. asked me if anyone wears shoes there.
I credited it to the hard work of drain- I forced a laugh, but embarrassment
ing all the blood from my former self soured my stomach.
and filling her instead with tasteless,
benign water. Five months after I tried to mold
Emily into Eliza, I moved to the Bay
There was reason to why I did it. Area and declared myself done with
In the classrooms of my youth, there the South. “You did have a two-tears-
was a sense that to succeed it was im- in-a-bucket attitude,” Emily recalled
portant to speak with perfect gram- later, a bemused expression on her
mar and without too much country face. I told her that it took me too long
to realize that she was right to hold

98 september 2022