Suicide Support Booklet Updated to fit mac and for NW

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fits-all" or inflexible; every person experiences grief in

a unique way.

Listening to, learning from, and growing with each Suicide
individual survivor is the only way to truly know how
to give the best support possible.
Survivors
Thank you for your willingness to walk forward with
love and compassion alongside those bereaved by
suicide.




Contact the Author:

Tierra Leonard-Williams
at

[email protected] A GUIDE TO GIVING
C OMPASSIONATE

SUPPORT DURING
Acknowledgment and Thanks to: SUICIDE BEREAVEMENT
Peggy Sheldon-Scurlock, who motivated, supported, and so graciously
supervised this project- I am so grateful to know you. To the staff and
clients of Vista Hospice of Flagstaff, AZ, with special thanks to the
members of the Life after Suicide support group- this would not have
been possible without you. To Northern Arizona University’s M.A.
Counseling Department with special thanks to Dr. Kim Kalas and Dr. Pit
Kolodinsky for their support of this project. To Robert Cray for invaluable
and heartfelt conversation. To Steven Williams for amazing support and
love. To Aleia O’Reilly of Further Shore for her mentorship,
encouragement, and wisdom. And to Dr. Joanne Cacciatore of The MISS
Foundation for her sharing of knowledge, validation, and inspiration.

Table of Contents Resources for Suicide Bereavement:

Statistics about Suicide…………………….1 National and International:
Creating Space for Grief After Suicide….2 • Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors:

What Terms to Use……………...…..2 http://www.allianceofhope.org/
Questions to Ask and Words to Say…..3 • Friends for Survival: http://www.friendsforsurvival.org
• HEARTBEAT: http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org/
Common Emotions…..……………….3 • Parents of Suicides & Friends & Families of Suicides (POS-FFOS)
Ways to Give Support………………......4-5
What Not to Do……………………………6-7 http://www.pos-ffos.com/
Resources for Crisis Intervention………...8 • Suicide: Finding Hope http://www.suicidefindinghope.com/
Resources for Bereavement…………….......9 • American Association of Suicidology (AAS):

http://www.suicidology.org
• Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE):

http://www.save.org
• Surviving a Suicide Loss: A Resource and Healing Guide

https://www.afsp.org/resourceandhealingguide
• The MISS Foundation (loss of child): (602) 279-6477 or

www.missfoundation.org
• The Compassionate Friends (loss of child): (630) 990-0010 or

https://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx
For Children and Young People:
• Reach Out: http://au.reachout.com
• The Dougy Center: http://www.dougy.org
• Kid’s Helpline: http://www.kidshelpline.com.au
• Hope Again: http://hopeagain.org.uk
Specific to Eastern Washington:
• Kennewick- Survivors of Suicide Support Group by Tri-Cities

Chaplaincy: Deborah Robbins (509) 783-6245
• Moses Lake- Survivors of Suicide Support Group: Contact Laurie

Vaillancourt at [email protected]
• Moses Lake- Survivors of Suicide Loss Group by United Methodist

Church: Contact: Grief Place (509) 662-6069
• Spokane- Survivors of a Loved One’s Suicide Support Group by

Hospice of Spokane. Contact Tanya Charlton: (509) 456-0438

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Resources for Suicide and Crisis Intervention: Statistics about Suicide

National: Ø Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 all ages. It is the 2nd leading cause of death for ages
• Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 and press 1 or send a text 15-24.3

message to 838255 or chat online at www.veteranscrisisline.net Ø Every day approximately 113 Americans die by
• Girls & Boys Town National Hotline: 1-800-448-3000 suicide.2
• National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE
• National Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-442-4673 Ø There is one death by suicide in the US every 13
• National Hotline for LGBTQ youth: 1-866-488-7386 minutes.2
• GLBT National Help Center: 1-888-843-4564
• National Alliance for the Mentally Ill: www.NAMI.org Ø In 2000 the suicide rate was 10.4 per 100,000. Over
• Most colleges and universities have a 24-hour crisis line; call your the past decade, however, the rate has increased to
12.1 per 100,000.3
local institution for this number.
Ø There were 41,149 reported suicides in 2013 in the
Specific to Spokane, Washington: United States.2
• Elder Services- Contact M. Hatcher: (509) 458-7450 or
Ø An estimated 1.3 million adults aged 18 or older
[email protected] (0.6%) attempted suicide in the past year. Among
• Frontier Behavioral Health- Family Service Spokane: (509) 838- these adults who attempted suicide, 1.1 million also
reported making suicide plans (0.2 million did not make
4128 suicide plans).2
• Frontier Behavioral Health- Spokane Mental Health (509) 838-
Ø Approximately 6 million Americans became survivors
4651 of suicide in the last 25 years.1

• Spokane County First Call for Help (Frontier Behavioral Health): 1. American Association of Suicidology (AAS). (2014). Survivors of Suicide
Loss Fact Sheet [PDF document]. Retrieved from
(509) 838-4428 or 1-877-678-4428 http://www.suicidology.org/Portals/14/docs/Resources/FactSheets/Surviv
orsSuicideLoss2014.pdf
• Inland Psychiatry & Psychology: (509) 458-5889 or
[email protected] or www.inlandpsychiatry.com 2. Center for Disease Control (CDC). (2015). Suicide Facts at a Glance [PDF
document]. Retrieved from
• Lutheran Community Service Trauma Counseling: (509) 747- http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/suicide-datasheet-a.pdf
8224
3. Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE). (2015). Suicide Facts.
• Lutheran Community Service 24 hour crisis line: (509) 624-7273 Retrieved from
http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=70
• St. Joseph Family Center: (509) 483-6495 5D5DF4-055B-F1EC-3F66462866FCB4E6

• Survivor Support Services- Rich Paulsen offering Christian 1
guidance for individuals, couples, and families: (509) 484-4021

• Veteran’s Affairs Medical Center- Kurt Rossbach: (509) 434-7288

or [email protected]

Creating Space for Grief after Suicide Ø Do not press for details about the suicide or about the
grieving process. -Survivors will share this information
Why It Important? with you when and if they are ready.
Death by suicide happens more often than death by car accident
in the United States, yet as a society we rarely publicly speak Ø Do not gossip or share information that the survivors
about the effects of suicide grief. This painful silence on the other have not granted you permission to share. - This is
end of suicide can lead to feelings of isolation, stigma, shame, their story to share; let them be in control of it.
and depression in those that survive after a death by suicide.
Ø Do not share your religious or spiritual convictions with
What Terms to Use survivors regarding suicide and hell and/or purgatory. -
Ø In this booklet the term “suicide survivor(s)” will be used to Even if survivors are devoutly religious, it is not your
refer to someone who has survived the suicide of a loved place to remind them of their beliefs. That is the task of
one. If the person you are supporting seems to prefer their own spiritual leader whom survivors will seek out
another term, acknowledge their wish. on their own.

Ø Remember that many people will be affected by a suicide Ø Avoid venting unrelated grievances to suicide survivors.
event- not just the immediate family of the deceased. - A divorce, house restoration, or bad job may be
Anyone experiencing grief after loss deserves to be causing you turmoil, but it will not be helpful to bring
supported in their grief. Anyone affected by a suicide can these complaints to somebody grieving a death due to
be considered a suicide survivor. suicide.

Ø Use the term “died due to suicide” or “died by suicide” Ø Do not speak of the suicide as if it were something you
instead of using the phrase “committed suicide” or “killed expected to happen. - Even if a person dies of suicide
themselves”– the truth is that those who have died by after many previous attempts, it is likely still going to be
suicide have likely struggled with mental and physical a shock to the suicide survivors.
illness long before they died. Suicide is usually the final
tragic result of an extremely serious mental and/or physical Ø Do not try to imagine what the deceased would want. -
illness. Saying things like “He would have wanted you to move
on” or “He wouldn’t want you to grieve” can feel
Ø Use the deceased loved one’s name instead of ‘he’, ‘she’, invalidating or unsupportive to a grieving suicide
or ‘they’ – this helps to humanize the situation. survivor.

Ø Try to mirror the speech of the survivor whom you are “Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a
speaking with. Pay attention to the words and terms that sign of weakness. It is an emotional,
each suicide survivor is using. If the survivor is using the physical, and spiritual necessity, the
terms 'death', 'died', 'suicide', use them. It is important to
use the word 'suicide' if the survivor is using it. If the price you pay for love. The only cure for
survivor is not ready to use these terms, patiently use the grief is to grieve.”
same terms that the survivor is using.
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Ø Do not force suicide survivors to talk if they don’t feel like
talking, sometimes joining them in compassionate silence is
the best thing to do.

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What Not to Do Questions to Ask and Words to Say
It can be difficult to know what to say in the wake of grief caused
Ø Do not interrupt survivors as they speak of their grief. by suicide. It is okay to talk to survivors even if you are not an
- Let them lead the conversation. expert. In fact, silence from other people can be the most harmful
thing for suicide survivors to experience during their grief. Try
Ø Do not speak poorly of the loved one who has died. saying the following:
-A person who dies of suicide is not selfish or attention
seeking. Survivors may have very normal grief-based Ø “I am so sorry for your pain. I don’t know what you’re
anger toward their loved one but this is their anger to have, experiencing right now, but I am here for you.”
not yours.
Ø “You are not alone; I will be right by your side for this.”
Ø Do not turn away from, avoid, or shun suicide survivors. - Ø “Do you need any support right now? If so, how can I support
As their loved one, friend, peer, or associate, they likely
need your compassion now more than ever before. you?”- This may be difficult for survivors to answer in the
early stages of grief/shock, give them time to figure out what
Ø Do not try to stop survivors from showing genuine emotion. they really need.
- They need to process their feelings. Ø “Would you like to talk about it? If not, can I just sit with you
for a while?”
Ø Do not tell the survivor that “everything is okay”, that “it will Ø “What feels best to hear or experience from other people
get easier soon”, or that “time heals all wounds.” - These right now? What isn’t helping?”
statements can be invalidating of their grief which will Ø If you make a mistake, that’s okay- just be sure to apologize.
likely be with them for a lifetime. – “It was a mistake for me to say/do that- I’m sorry. Let me try
again.”
Ø Do not offer advice about how survivors should be
acting/feeling/or grieving. - Every grief journey is unique to Common Emotions
the person that is experiencing it. It is important to keep in mind that suicide related grief could go
to places that are often unexpected such as rage or relief. A
Ø Do not offer survivors “cliché” guidance. - Sayings like: supporter needs to make space that allows for a survivor's
"God won’t give you any more than you can handle", "All emotions to be loud or intense. This is likely a new experience for
things happen for a reason", "They’re in a better place", both of you, be open to exploring it together. Here are some
"God needed another angel", "They weren't meant for this common emotions tied to suicide grief:
world", or "It was their time to go" may be helpful for you to
say to yourself- but they can be very upsetting for a survivor Shock Denial Pain Numbness Release
to hear. Anger Shame Despair Acceptance Anxiety
Depression Disbelief Sadness Relief
Ø Do not tell survivors that they should move on from their Rejection Loneliness Abandonment Guilt Stress
grief or be happier/more positive. - They will move through Understanding
their grief and experience emotions at their own pace.
Rushing them will only isolate them. All emotions that suicide survivors experience in
their grief are normal, acceptable, and important.
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Their emotions will fluctuate. Some emotions
will reoccur often. Some may be experienced
intensely. As a supporter, your job is to create a

safe space for their grief to exist.

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Ways to Give Support Ø Research grief therapists and suicide survivor support groups in your
area. - Provide them with this information, but let them decide if and
Listening to and simply being quiet with survivors is the most important when they will seek services. If they feel nervous, attend with them
and helpful thing you can do as a suicide survivor supporter. Each survivor initially.
will have a unique grief journey and will tell you what he or she needs if
you listen patiently. Here are some other ways you can give support: Feeling:
Ø Show your own genuine sorrow. - It is okay, and often helpful, to cry
Being/Seeing:
Ø Look directly at survivors as they speak to you. - Only do this if it is with survivors.

culturally appropriate. Ø Give supportive touch. - If they are standing near to you or reaching
out for touch, offer a gentle hand on their shoulder, hand holding, or
Ø Clear your mind of distracting thoughts before engaging in warm hug. Only do this if it is appropriate.
conversation or interaction.
Ø Learn to be comfortable with their unpleasant feelings. - Emotions
Ø Notice and respect their body language. - You can perceive a lot such as anger, guilt, or fear will likely happen. Allow for them to feel
about their needs this way. these ways in front of you without trying to change them. Say: “I see
you are feeling ____, this must be so painful for you.”
Ø Check in regularly with survivors. - Do so long after their loved one
has died, on a scale of months to years. Hearing:
Ø Interact in peaceful environments. - Engage in conversation in a calm,
Ø Walk with survivors through the events following the suicide. - If they
wish for you to be there, join them for tasks such as police inspections quiet, distraction-free place.
and morgue visits. If you can’t be there physically, be with them on the
phone. Ø Allow survivors to speak without interruption. - They may “ramble” or
repeat themselves – this is normal in grief.
Ø Genuinely look at any items survivors may share. - If they share
pictures or mementos tied to memories of their loved one, really Ø Follow up with a conversation summary. - After an especially
engage in appreciating and respecting these important items. important conversation, follow up the next day with an e-mail about
what you heard them say.
Doing:
Ø Assist survivors with incident-related errands. - Complete things such Ø Notice the names or nicknames survivors use for their deceased loved
one. - Use these terms if/when appropriate.
as picking up important police documents or setting up memorial
services. Talking:
Ø Be honest with the way that you feel. - It is okay to share if you feel
Ø Support and participate in grief rituals. - Events such as memorials,
celebrations of life, and funerals are important aspects of grieving. sad, scared, or overwhelmed while making sure that the conversation
doesn’t end up being about you.
Ø Become an advocate. - Attend suicide prevention events and invest
in suicide prevention/grief support resources in your community. Ø If you have experienced loss due to suicide in your life, share your
story when it is appropriate. - This can help to alleviate feelings of
Ø Send survivors recovery resources. - E-mail them with articles or isolation and shame.
websites related to grieving after suicide– don’t ask for a response.
Ø If you have ever felt suicidal, and know how real that pain is, share
Ø Complete chores for them. - Walk dogs, bring meals, or hire home- this insight when it is appropriate.
cleaning services. Do this without needing to be asked.
Ø Share joyful or touching memories that you have of the deceased. -
4 Though it is a very sad time, there is likely still room for sharing
laughter and happy memories. Don't be afraid to bring up memories of
the loved one- survivors are likely thinking of them often and will be
glad to know you are as well.

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