TheTimesMagazine29January2022

side. I usually judge by looking at the Eat! MEAT
bone – when the blood disappears,
RECIPES Jane and Jimmy Barnes I turn the cutlets over.
PHOTOGRAPHS Alan Benson 4. Once the cutlets are cooked to your
liking, set them out on a platter, drizzle
with a little olive oil and generously
sprinkle with salt. Serve the cutlets and
carrots with mashed potatoes, and
spoon any remaining butter mixture
over the top.

SLOW-ROASTED GREEK LAMB
SHOULDER WITH LEMON AND
OREGANO POTATOES
Serves 12

Serve this with tzatziki and a Greek
salad – you’ll feel like you’re feasting
in the Med.

• 2 x 2kg lamb shoulders
(on the bone)

• 10 garlic cloves, thickly sliced
• 12 sprigs rosemary
• 60ml freshly squeezed lemon juice
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 12 sprigs oregano, leaves removed
• 5 tsp sea salt
• Freshly ground black pepper
• 2.5kg waxy potatoes

1. Preheat the oven to 140C (160C
non-fan). Using a sharp knife, cut
slits all over the lamb shoulders and
fill each with a garlic slice and sprig
of rosemary.
2. Place each lamb shoulder into its
own baking dish. Drizzle each with a
quarter of the lemon juice and olive
oil, then sprinkle with a quarter of the
oregano leaves and sea salt. Season
with pepper.
3. Cover the lamb with foil and roast
for 1 hour. Remove from the oven, lift
the foil and baste all over with the pan
juices. Re-cover with foil and place
back into the oven for a further hour.
4. Peel the potatoes and cut into even
pieces (about 4cm). Toss the potatoes
in a bowl with the remaining lemon
juice, olive oil, oregano and salt.
5. Remove the lamb from the oven and
discard the foil. Baste again and add
the potatoes to each baking dish. Put
back into the oven for another hour.
6. Remove from the oven, turn the
potatoes and baste the lamb again.
Return to the oven for a final
30 minutes. You’ll know the lamb is
cooked when the meat easily falls off
the bone when prodded with a fork.

The Times Magazine 51

Eat! MEAT

EGGS RICO (CAMPFIRE EGGS) BANGERS AND MASH 15 minutes or until completely cooked
WITH ONION GRAVY through. Drain and return to the pan. Add
Serves 4-6 the butter, cream and milk and mash until
Serves 6 smooth. Season with salt to taste.
We make this when we go camping 2. Heat the oil in a large heavy-based frying
– and at home. We use a traditional Cumberland sausage coil, pan over medium heat and add the sausage
but any good-quality sausages will do for this coil. Cook for about 10 minutes on each side,
• Butter, for cooking classic recipe. To add even more flavour, boil until well browned and cooked through.
• 100g shaved ham the potatoes in stock. 3. Remove the sausage from the pan and
• 12 free-range eggs cover with foil to keep warm. Add the onions
• Toast, to serve • 1.5kg floury potatoes, peeled to the pan and cook for 5 minutes or until
and cut into quarters soft. Whisk in the flour and cook for 1 minute,
1. Melt a generous piece of butter in a large then gradually add the beef stock and continue
frying pan and toss in the shaved ham. • Sea salt and white pepper, to taste to stir until the gravy thickens. Season with
2. Crack in the eggs and gently mix through, • 1 tbsp butter white pepper.
breaking the yolks but not scrambling them. • 100ml single cream 4. Serve the sausages and onion gravy
When the bottom is cooked, turn off the heat • 100ml milk with the mashed potato. n
(or remove from the campfire). Keep stirring • 1 tbsp olive oil
and mixing until the whites start to firm. • 1 large Cumberland sausage Extracted from Where
3. Sprinkle with salt and pepper if you like. the River Bends by
Serve with toast, singed by fire flames if you coil (or 12 good-quality sausages) Jane and Jimmy
are camping. • 3 large onions, sliced Barnes (£27,
• 2 tbsp plain flour HarperCollins)
• 350ml beef stock

1. Place the potatoes in a saucepan and cover
with water (or stock if you have it). Season
with salt and bring to the boil. Cook for

52 The Times Magazine

Eat! TASTE TEST

tHe beSt oilS anD vineGarS

Hannah Evans on the bottles to transform your salads, sauces and cocktails

OLIVE OIL La Barca Basil Infused Ora Bailen A L’Olivier Wild
Smoked Olive Oil, Extra Virgin Arbequina Extra Garlic Extra
250ml (£13; Olive Oil, Virgin Olive Oil, Virgin Olive
brindisa.com) 500ml (£19.99; 500ml (£15.60; Oil, 150ml
Use this smoky fodabox.com) artisanoliveoil (£7.95; harvey
Spanish oil to Italian oil that’s company.co.uk) nichols.com)
finish pasta perfect for Smooth and Mix into
dishes, pimp finishing pizza, peppery, we hummus or
up mayonnaise mozzarella and recommend this whisk into
or drizzle tomato salads award-winning your Caesar
over soup. or bruschetta. oil for salads, fish dressing for a
and desserts. garlicky kick.
Citizens of Soil Urbani White
Single Estate Truffle Oil, 25cl Zaytoun Aldi Toscano
Extra Virgin Olive (£29.95; london Palestinian Extra Extra Virgin
Oil starter pack finefoods.co.uk) Virgin Olive Oil, Olive Oil, 500ml
(£30; citizensof Loved by chefs 250ml (£8.95; (£5.99; in store)
soil.com) and made by traidcraftshop. An everyday
Sign up to this one of the most co.uk) oil that is
subscription reputable truffle Made from rich, green and
service and producers, use handpicked ultra-peppery.
receive small- this aromatic oil olives, this
batch oil straight to finish pasta would be perfect THE
from Greece. or risotto. for dunking BUDGET
focaccia.
Saffron Vinegar, Mandarin BUY
VINEGAR 250ml (£17.50; Vinegar,
vinegarshed.com) 200ml (£15; A L’Olivier
Deep orange, vinegarshed.com) Seggiano Mango
perfect marriage Drizzle this Organic Rosé Vinegar, 200ml
for gazpacho, zesty white wine Balsamic Vinegar, (£9.95; harvey
strawberries or vinegar made 250ml (£8.99; nichols.com)
even on a fried from Sicilian selfridges.com) A fruity and
egg to elevate mandarins over Forget a squeeze relish-like
your breakfast. seafood dishes of lime; add dressing for
or salads. a dash of this seafood such
floral, zesty as prawns,
Fig Leaf Vinegar, balsamic to a green salads
500ml (£15.95; gin cocktail for or avocado.
belazu.com) a punchy finish.
Warm and Il Borgo del
Elderflower nutty, this THE Mazzetti Balsamico
Wine Vinegar, vinegar makes a BUDGET Balsamic Vinegar Aged Balsamic
50ml (£4; the lovely dressing White Label, Vinegar, 250ml
slowvinegar for game, root BUY 250ml (£5.90; (£17.50; thered
company.co.uk) vegetables or sainsburys. beetle.com)
Added to a G&T to sharpen a co.uk) Use to flavour
or drizzled over caramel sauce. Tangy, fruity marinades or
ice cream, this and great on dress crudités.
floral white lunch salads.
wine vinegar
adds an instant
sweet finish.

The Times Magazine 53

NADIYA’S APPLE TREATS

Two showstopping recipes from Nadiya Hussain,
which look sensational but are easy to make

PHOTOGRAPHS Romas Foord FOOD STYLIST Sophie Hammond

TOFFEE APPLE CAKE

Eat! SWEET

APPLE AND ALMOND TARTE TATIN

Eat! SWEET TOFFEE APPLE CAKE For the filling
Serves 10 • 4 large green apples, peeled, cored
DAN KENNEDY 6. As soon as the cake and filling have cooled,
I f you are anything like me, you always make the icing. Start by melting the butter and thinly sliced
buy many more apples than anyone eats and white chocolate and leave to cool. Place
and you end up with a bowlful of them the cream cheese and vanilla in a large bowl. For the pastry and finishing
that you don’t know what to do with. Add the cooled chocolate and butter and stir • 375g ready-rolled puff pastry
Well, here is the solution: a moist cake well until you have an even mix. • 50g flaked almonds, toasted
packed with apple flavour. It’s the kind of 7. Now to put the cake together. Add the first
cake that suits any occasion. It can be a cake to a serving dish. Spread a thin layer of 1. Start by making the puree. Add the
showstopper but is also an everyday cake the icing on top. Scoop the rest of the mixture prepared apples to a medium non-stick pan,
and it keeps really well. In fact it tastes even into a piping bag and pipe a ring around the along with the sugar and 1 tbsp water. Pop
better a few days later. top edge of the cake right on top of the thin onto a medium to high heat and mix, then
layer of icing. reduce the heat, put the lid on and leave
For the cake 8. You should have a cavity in which to add on a low heat to reduce for 10-15 minutes.
• 2 medium eggs the apple filling. Spread into an even layer. Check midway through cooking. What
• 175g soft brown sugar Add the next cake on top. Pipe peaks of the we are looking for is fully cooked, soft apples
• 3 green apples, cored, peeled and grated rest of the icing on top. Take the apple slices that we can turn into a puree.
• 175ml olive oil and put in a bowl and cover in gold lustre 2. Take off the heat and use the back of
• 200g self-raising flour dust and shake until the apple is coated. a fork or potato masher to turn the whole
• 75g ground almonds Now add sporadically to the icing peaks mixture into a smooth-ish puree. Place in
• 2 tsp cinnamon and sprinkle with the extra white chocolate a bowl and add the ground almonds and
• 1 tsp bicarbonate of soda broken into small pieces. almond extract and mix thoroughly. This
• 1 lemon, zest only will help absorb any liquid and add to the
• Apple slices and gold lustre, to decorate APPLE AND ALMOND TARTE TATIN texture and give the whole thing some
Serves 6 nuttiness. Leave to cool completely.
For the filling 3. Now start to make the caramel in a
• 4 apples, peeled, cored and grated This is one of those recipes that can appear 9-inch cast iron pan. Add the sugar in a thin,
• 25g unsalted butter daunting because it is supposedly tough to get even layer. Set over a medium heat and
• 50g soft brown sugar right, but it really isn’t. Crisp buttery flaky drizzle in 6 tbsp water. Slowly the sugar
layered pastry, with a layer of almond apple should begin to melt from the edges inwards.
For the icing puree and then thin slices of apple fanned out Swirl the pan to encourage the sugar to
• 50g unsalted butter and caramelised in sweet dark caramel, soft dissolve evenly and keep going to until
• 100g white chocolate, plus extra but with just a tiny bit of crunch left? Yes, it you have a beautifully golden caramel.
sounds complicated but it doesn’t have to be 4. Take off the heat and leave to cool on
for sprinkling at all. If you like a sweet dessert hot out of the side. As soon as the caramel has
• 350g full-fat cream cheese the oven, this is perfect for you. You can also completely cooled, add the prepared slices
• 1 tbsp vanilla bean extract use pears as an alternative. of apple on top in a fanned pattern till you
have covered the surface of the caramel.
1. Preheat the oven to 160C fan (180C non- For the apple and almond puree Take the cooled almond mixture and
fan). Line and grease two 8-inch round loose- • 200g apples, peeled, cored and cubed spread this all over the sliced apple in
bottom tins. • 2 tbsp soft brown sugar a thin even layer.
2. To make the cake, add the eggs and sugar • 50g ground almonds 5. Preheat the oven to 180C (200C non-fan).
to a bowl and whisk till the mixture is light • 1 tsp almond extract Lightly flour the work surface and roll out
and fluffy. Now take your grated apple and the pastry using your pan as a guide, so the
squeeze out any excess moisture, add to For the caramel pastry is 2-3cm bigger than the outside edge
the egg mixture along with the oil and fold • 175g soft brown sugar of the pan. Place the pastry on top of the
through until you have an even mix. apple mixture and, using the end of a spoon,
3. Now add the self-raising flour, ground tuck the pastry edge under the apple slices
almonds, cinnamon, bicarbonate of soda and caramel.
and lemon zest. Mix until you have an even 6. Pierce the pastry in the middle to make
cake batter. holes that will allow the steam to escape as
4. Divide between the two cake tins and bake the tart bakes. Place in the oven and bake for
for 45-50 minutes until a skewer inserted 35-40 minutes. The pastry should be lovely
comes out clean. Leave to cool in the tin for and golden, with the edges bubbling with
10 minutes and then take out of the tin and dark caramel.
leave to cool completely on a wire rack. 7. Remove from the oven and leave to cool
5. To make the apple cake filling, place the for about 15 minutes, which will give the
apples, butter, sugar and 100ml water in a pan. caramel enough time to thicken slightly. Tip
Bring to a boil and then reduce the heat and out onto a plate and you should have pastry
let the whole mixture cook until there is on the bottom and beautiful soft caramelised
no more liquid and the mixture becomes apple on top.
a smooth even pulp. Take off the heat and 8. Sprinkle over the toasted almonds and
transfer to a flat plate to encourage the you are ready to serve with a scoop of
mixture to cool down. ice cream. n

56 The Times Magazine



Artificial intelligence Continued from page 31

couple of years ago Stuart Russell, creating an existential problem for ourselves. relationship with machines becomes analogous
a British computer scientist who is In the past decade AI has started to fulfil to the relationship gorillas have with us today.
one of the world’s leading experts We had a common ancestor but “once humans
on artificial intelligence, was some of its promise. Machines can thrash us came along, and they’re this much more
approached by a film director who at chess. When Russell was taking a sabbatical intelligent than gorillas and chimpanzees, then
wanted him to be a consultant on in Paris, he used machine translation to game over. I think that’s sort of how Turing
a movie. The director complained complete his tax return. In a recent saw it. Intelligence is power. Power is control.
breakthrough that could transform medicine, That will be the end of it.”
A that there was too much doom AI can now predict the structure of most

and gloom about the future of proteins. Today Russell is on a visit to the UK Russell doesn’t believe that is necessarily the

superintelligent machines. He and we are sitting outside a café in London, end of it, if we go about things the right way.

wanted Russell to explain how the human our conversation recorded by But he wants us to be clear

heroes in the film could save our species by an app on my phone that has INTELLIGENT about the threat. Science fiction
outwitting AI. “Sorry,” Russell told the learnt to recognise my voice has sometimes suggested that
director. “They can’t.” and provides a reasonable machines will supersede us

Russell is a professor of computer science simultaneous transcription of ROBOTS COULD when they develop human
at the University of California, Berkeley, and our conversation (although its REPLACE 30% consciousness; that when they
a fellow of Wadham College, Oxford, who has claim, for example, that Russell are aware of themselves and
worked for the UN to create a new system for is talking about “kick-ass their surroundings and
monitoring the nuclear test-ban treaty, advised machines made of cheese” does motivations, they will seek to

Downing Street and the White House, and underline that AI armageddon OF THE HUMAN take over the world. Russell
co-written the standard university textbook is still some way off). WORKFORCE believes this is a red herring.
on artificial intelligence. Success in creating The threat will come less from
superintelligent AI, he has predicted, “would These AIs are limited machines deciding they hate us
be the biggest event in human history… and to harnessing considerable and want to kill us than from
computational power to

perhaps the last event in human history”. complete well-defined tasks. GLOBALLY their advanced competency. A
AI could lead us into a golden age, where Google’s search engine BY 2030 highly sophisticated machine
“remembers” everything, but with a fixed objective could
we can enjoy lives that are no longer burdened can’t plan its way out of a stop at nothing to achieve that
by drudgery. Or it could destroy us as a species. paper bag, as Russell puts it. objective and fail to take into
Even if we learn to live with superintelligent

machines, they may take all our jobs or create The goal of AI research is account other human priorities.

mayhem on battlefields. Vladimir Putin creating a general-purpose AI He calls this the “King

has said whoever takes the lead in AI “will that can learn how to perform Midas problem” after the

become the ruler of the world”, prompting the the whole range of human tasks from, say, mythical figure who asked for everything

billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk to predict teaching to running a country. Such a machine he touched to be turned to gold, realising too

that nations competing for AI superiority will “could quickly learn to do anything that late that this would include food, drink and

be the most likely cause of a third world war. human beings can do”, says Russell. And given his family.

When Russell gave the Reith lectures last that computers can already add billion-digit Already we give machines objectives that

year, the headlines were mostly about the numbers in a fraction of a second, “Almost are not perfectly aligned with our own. Social-

havoc that lethal autonomous weapons systems certainly it would be able to do things that media algorithms are designed to maximise

OPENING SPREAD: RICHARD ANSETT/BBC. BOX SOURCES: FORBES, MCKINSEY, STATISTS, IHS MARKIT, PEGA could wreak. But Russell has a wider vision, humans can’t do.” click-through in order to keep people on the

which is by turns thrilling and more terrifying The creation of a superintelligent AI, which site and so make as much money as possible

than coronaviruses and global warming. Russell has likened to the arrival of a superior from advertising. They have unfortunate side

While the human brain has evolved alien civilisation (but more likely), is an effects. Users with more extreme preferences

over millions of years, the development of enormous challenge and a long way off. appear to be more predictable, says Russell,

computers and robots to simulate the human But many experts believe it could happen so the algorithm works out what keeps them

mind’s ability to solve problems, make decisions in the next few decades, and Russell is an online and the diet of content they are fed is

and learn has taken a few decades. From the evangelist for the need to prepare for such contributing to growing extremism around

very beginning of AI, says an eventuality. the world. “When a person is interacting with

Russell, machines have been 77% OF US He likes to talk about Alan a system for six or eight hours a day, the
defined as intelligent “to the REGULARLY Turing, the father of theoretical algorithm is making choices that affect your
extent that their actions can computer science and AI, who behaviour, nudging you hundreds of times
be expected to achieve their in 1951 gave a lecture in which a day. And that’s happening to billions of
objectives”. We set them tasks he chillingly predicted the people.” He would love to see the internal

and they get on with them. INTERACT WITH arrival of superintelligent data from big tech companies “to really
He believes we should AI BUT ONLY machines. “It seems probable understand what’s going on”, but adds, “In
that once the machine thinking America, you’ve got 60 million people who
make a very significant method had started, it would are living in a fantasy world.”
tweak to that definition so not take long to outstrip our
that machines are seen as Imagine a more sophisticated AI that is

“beneficial” to the extent that 33% THINK feeble powers,” said Turing. capable of going into a coffee shop to get you
their actions can be expected THEY DO “At some stage therefore we a latte. It will be unhelpful to café society if it
to achieve “our” objectives. should have to expect the tears the place apart because it is fixed on
If we don’t design them with machines to take control.” achieving the task whatever the cost.
our wellbeing specifically
The danger, Russell Here we are entering the territory of 2001:

in mind, we could be suggests, is that our A Space Odyssey, in which Hal, the spaceship

58 The Times Magazine

AI THE NEXT Sony Aibo disposal, but the biggest change will assist human teachers in the
to warfare will come in the classroom, offering support to
10 YEARS well as read human emotions shape of artificially intelligent students by giving instant
and distinguish between family killing machines. In November answers to commonly asked
HEALTH members. When tired, Aibo 2020, Israel assassinated Iran’s questions. Facial-recognition
The race is on to transform returns to his charging station. top nuclear scientist using a tech could analyse the emotions
healthcare with AI and the Towards the end of 2020, almost high-tech, computer-powered of children to determine who’s
market is estimated to be worth a year into the pandemic, local sharpshooter with multiple struggling or bored and better
£120 billion by 2028. So what government in New York started camera eyes, capable of firing personalise their experience.
can we expect? Artificially offering AI-powered furry tabby 600 rounds a minute.
intelligent equipment will detect cats from robotics company Joy COMMUNICATION
and diagnose disease earlier and For All to care homes and older TRANSPORT Microsoft and Skype already
more accurately. New drug people in social isolation. China’s There are more than ten have a voice translator that can
discovery will be sped up. An AI Unitree wants to make its four- unicorn start-ups – that’s translate between 11 languages,
developed by Google Health can legged robots, currently £1,980, companies valued at $1 billion including Chinese, English,
already identify signs of diabetic as affordable as phones. It won’t – vying for leadership in the French, Japanese, Russian and
retinopathy from eye scans be long before AI companions autonomous vehicle industry. Spanish. This is likely to advance
with 90 per cent accuracy. At need not resemble traditional They’re in China, America, quickly to real-time translation
hospitals and care homes basic pets for humans to warm to Britain and Canada and include of hundreds of languages, taking
nursing tasks could be carried them. Spot The Dog is not personal transport as well as us a step closer to universal
out by AI assistants. The field of exactly a pet but a robotic trucks and haulage. This month conversation. Google is working
neuroprosthetics, which develops canine that is so agile it is used the MK Dons (Milton Keynes) on an AI assistant that can
brain implants, robotic limbs to explore remote environments football team have been trialling complete simple phone-based
and cyborg devices, will help us too dangerous or extreme for driverless cars called Fetch to tasks such as calling your doctor
overcome cognitive and physical humans. Made by Boston take them to and from training. to make an appointment. No
limitations. This month Dynamics and sold for £55,312, it Self-driving cars are supposed to more waiting on hold.
BioNTech, maker of the Pfizer could assist with mining, police be safer and more efficient than
Covid-19 vaccine, launched an searches and space exploration. human drivers and are expected MEDIA
“early warning system” with on British roads later this year. Journalists, beware. Simple or
London-based AI firm InstaDeep WEAPONS The government has announced factual news will increasingly
to detect new variants of the Robots and drones could carry that cars fitted with automatic be written by algorithms. It has
coronavirus before they spread. out perilous tasks such as bomb lane-keeping systems will be started: The Washington Post’s
permitted to drive at up to “AI Writer” wrote more than
PETS 37mph in a single lane without 850 stories during the Rio
Japan is leading the way in the driver interacting with it. Olympics in 2016; Bloomberg
AI pets. Sony’s Aibo, which costs uses AI tech to relay complex
£2,127, is a robotic puppy. Aibo EDUCATION data, and Associated Press uses
will respond to commands as The main benefit here is that natural language AI to produce
AI will better tailor education to 3,700 earnings reports a year.
students’ needs. Virtual tutors
MONIQUE RIVALLAND

computer, kills four of the five astronauts on AROUND 4 BILLION our objective is but they know that there may
board because he deems them a threat to DEVICES ALREADY WORK be other things we care about. So if we say, ‘I’d
the mission. ON AI-POWERED VOICE like a cup of tea,’ that doesn’t mean you can
mow down all the other people at Starbucks to
AI’s potential to help in medicine is already ASSISTANTS get to the front of the line.”
being realised, but Russell raises the spectre
of a superintelligent AI system being charged So we need to create AI systems carefully. And the machine must be devised so it will
with finding a cure for cancer. It could quickly They must be built so they are altruistic always allow us to turn it off. Otherwise, its
digest all the literature and make hypotheses, towards humans and uncertain about what logical conclusion would be to deactivate its
but all that will be wildly counterproductive all our preferences are. Then the AI system “off” switch in order to eliminate an obvious
if it then concludes that the quickest way to would ask what our preferences are regarding threat to completing the task.
find a cure is to induce tumours in all of us in oxygen before going ahead and deacidifying
order to carry out trials. the oceans. Given the starkness of some of his
misgivings about the future, I was expecting
We might recruit an AI to fight the “We have to build machines a different way Russell to be an intense prophet of cyber-
acidification of the oceans, only to find that [so that] they are trying to achieve whatever doom in real life, but he is reasonable, softly
its solution is to use a quarter of the oxygen spoken with a mid-Atlantic accent, and often
in the atmosphere to achieve this and we funny, displaying an understated wit that is
all asphyxiate. familiar from some of his writings.

Solving the King Midas problem also solves He is in London for a holiday with his wife,
the gorilla problem, by ensuring that AI is not Loy Sheflott, founder and CEO of Consumer
in conflict with humans and we don’t end up Financial, a marketing firm for financial
existing at the whim of the machines. services companies. They have four children

The Times Magazine 59



who range in age from 15 to 23. 40% OF US would need to reconfigure our destruction was, ‘But we would never make
Russell, 59, was born in TALK TO AN economy and find new purpose weapons like that.’ In that case, why won’t you
while ensuring we don’t ban them? And they didn’t have an answer.”
Portsmouth and moved around become enfeebled by relying
the country because of his on machines. I joke that by now computers must all
father’s job running Crown know who he is and are probably listening
in on this conversation and swapping notes.
Paints and Wallcoverings. They AI VOICE A lot of us, suggests “I’m just trying to prevent the machines from
also lived in Toronto for a few ASSISTANT AT Russell, will be engaged making a terrible mistake,” he says.
years. His mother was a in interpersonal services,
fashion designer and teacher. supplying our humanity to A small part of me is paranoid that
Russell boarded at St Paul’s others, whether as therapists, someone – or some artificial someone
– might spy on me through the camera in
School in southwest London LEAST ONCE tutors or companions. We my computer. Was it just a coincidence that I
where even in an academic EVERY DAY would have all the time in the started getting all those grotesque adverts for
hothouse environment he world to strive to perfect the ear-cleaning devices after using a cotton bud
clearly stood out. The school art of living, through art, in what I thought was the privacy of my own
didn’t teach computer studies gardening or playing games. home office? I can’t believe I’m telling Russell
this, but I keep a sticky note over the lens
back then, so he went on “The need will not be to eat when I’m not on a video call. Rather to my
surprise, he says, “I think that’s a good idea.”
Wednesday afternoons to a or be able to afford a place to People who know more about computer
security than he does say the same apparently.
local technology college where live, but the need for purpose,”
I wonder what he thinks of Elon Musk’s
he could study the subject for A-level. says Russell. We are used to adapting to new hopes to build a brain-machine interface
or “neural lace”, inspired by Iain M Banks’s
He left school at 16 having taken his jobs, but less so to having no job at all. Culture novels. “His solution to the existential

A-levels early, spent a gap year at IBM and Is there not a danger that we end up with NETFLIX SAVES $1 BILLION
A YEAR BY USING AN
then, at 17, went to Oxford, where he was millions of therapists and slightly crap artists? AI ALGORITHM

awarded a first in physics. He moved to the “I don’t feel that’s the route to fulfilment,” he risk is that we actually merge with the
machines,” he says. “If we all have to have
US to do a PhD in computer science at says, smiling. brain surgery just to survive, perhaps we made
a mistake somewhere along the line.”
Stanford University and then joined the The most immediate problem facing us
How worried is he that his children or any
University of California at Berkeley, where comes in the form of lethal autonomous future grandchildren will face a dystopian
future with AI? “It doesn’t feel like a visceral
he is professor of electrical engineering and weapons. They are already with us. The threat fear. It feels like climate change.” But in the
worst-case scenario AI would be terminal for
computer sciences and director of the Centre is not that AI weapons are going to turn upon our species, whereas with climate change we
could probably cling on in the last temperate
for Human-Compatible Artificial Intelligence. us because our objectives and theirs collide, corners of the world. So AI could be worse
than global warming? “In the worst case, yes.
With Peter Norvig, Google’s former research but that they can be used by nefarious states We have to follow our reasoning where it
leads us. And if the machines really are more
director, he wrote the standard university or groups to target their enemies. intelligent than us and we’ve made a mistake
and set them up to pursue objectives that end
textbook on AI and in his most recent book, Israel’s Harop has a 10ft wingspan and the up having these disastrous side effects, we
would have no more power than chess players
Human Compatible: AI and the Problem of ability to loiter and search for targets and, have when they are playing against the best
chess programmes.”
Control, he outlined some of his concerns when it recognises them, make a kamikaze
The great thing about the chess app on my
about the future of artificial intelligence. attack. The UN has reported that a smaller phone is that I can take a move back when
I make a mistake. “Oh, you play like that?”
Even if machines don’t take over the planet drone may have autonomously targeted militia he says, raising an eyebrow. On the way over
on the plane he was playing a rather more
and eradicate us and we find a way to stay fighters in Libya. formidable chess programme. “It doesn’t let
you take any moves back.” n
in control, living with them may present Miniature drones could be mass-produced

enormous challenges. What happens when cheaply, says Russell, and you could pack a

they can do all – or, at least, the vast majority million of them into a shipping container and

– of the roles that fill our working days? then track people through technology that

While he says they are currently useless at recognises a face or “anything you want:

interviewing, it seems a reasonable bet that yarmulkes or turbans or whatever”.

there are future interviewers being born today He can envisage a mass attack by a swarm.

who will be made redundant by AI, along with “I think it could happen that we would get

house painters, drivers and radiographers. attacks with a million weapons.”

For many millennia, Russell points out, We’ve legislated internationally against

most humans have been in “robot” jobs; if biological and chemical weapons and to stop

they are released from agricultural, industrial nuclear proliferation. The systems are not

and clerical roles by real robots perfect, but do mean the world

it could transform human THE GLOBAL community can go after those
existence. “If all goes well, it who don’t comply and make
will herald a golden age for it hard for them to get

humanity. Our civilisation is AI MARKET the ingredients to create
the result of our intelligence, WILL GROW BY these weapons. Russell is
and having access to much frustrated by the reluctance
greater intelligence could of governments, including
enable a much better the UK and US, to ban lethal

civilisation,” he said in $120 BILLION autonomous weapons outright.
one of his Reith lectures. BY 2025 Officials at the Obama White
House listened very carefully
Robots could build bridges, when he was part of a
improve crop yields, cook for delegation there. “Their
100 people, run elections, while

we get on with… what? We response on weapons of mass

The Times Magazine 61

BOILING
POINT

THE CHEF WHO
COOKED ON COCAINE

An acclaimed new film starring
Stephen Graham, set in a hip
east London restaurant, tells
a high-octane story of chaos,
self-destruction and drug use.
It is so realistic, says the chef
Adam Hardiman, right, he was
convinced it was based on him.
He talks to Georgina Roberts
about 20 years of kitchen
meltdowns and addiction

PORTRAIT Katie Wilson

Adam Hardiman, 38, with
Myra, his girlfriend’s

mother, in his east London
restaurant, Madame Pigg

KATIE WILSON, ALAMYI n a fashionable east London restaurant, Hardiman at Madame Pigg. that day? He certainly had a frantic, tornado-
a fraught chef is on the verge of Right: Stephen Graham as like energy, then and all the other times I have
unravelling on the busiest night of the the head chef in two scenes visited. He dashes manically around his small
year. It is overbooked with demanding from the film Boiling Point restaurant, chatting to his customers, and always
guests and the pressure-cooker has a compliment, delivered with a grin, for
environment is causing screaming Rather than the traditional chef’s whites the outlandish clothes my friends and I wear.
matches in the kitchen. This is the that Graham’s character wears, Hardiman
plot of the nerve-jangling film Boiling cooks in a T-shirt, his tattooed arms on He still has that fidgety energy when we
Point, starring Stephen Graham. display. The pressure to fulfil the orders in a speak, rolling the sleeves of his white hoodie
Just a ten-minute walk down the fully booked restaurant, as seen in Boiling up and down and puffing on his vape. He
road from the joint where it was filmed in Point, feels very real to him. On a Sunday, speaks confidently and quickly, his voice
Dalston, a real chef was in a hell’s kitchen of their busiest day of the week, “I probably breaking and catching occasionally as he
his own, about to buckle under the weight turn a full restaurant of people away,” he says. recounts the difficult details of the 20 years
of his addictions. Thirty-eight-year-old They serve 160 roasts then, turning the tables he was “a functioning drug addict” working
restaurateur Adam Hardiman saw a disturbing four times. The pressure lies squarely on him: 18-hour days. Several times, he makes it clear
amount of himself in Graham’s spiralling head “I do everything. I’m the only chef. It’s my that, before rehab, this conversation would
chef. So much so that he became convinced own doing, because I wanted full control. have made him so uncomfortable that he
it was based on him. Can I do drugs with another person in the would have had to be high to do it, if at all.
kitchen? Probably not – not as comfortably
His friend Andy Jones runs the restaurant as I want to,” he says. He grew up in St Ives, Cambridgeshire,
where Boiling Point was filmed, Jones & Sons. a “fat kid” whose first addiction, he tells me,
As Hardiman watched it, he texted Jones As things go wrong in the Boiling Point was sweets and chocolates. After getting in
saying, “‘Was this based on me?’ For real. restaurant – from allergic reactions to with his older sister’s crowd, he moved on to
I thought it was paranoia, but some of my irritating influencers – blistering spats break alcohol at 11. “I remember starting secondary
old chefs worked for him, and he didn’t reply out between Graham’s character and his school feeling really uncomfortable, thinking,
or answer me. So I still don’t know.” kitchen staff. Hardiman has done the same, ‘I hate this. I don’t like going to school.’” It was
swearing and sniping at his team of ten. “I’ve then he started drinking more alcohol. If he
The screen he watched the film on was got so much guilt,” he says. “I haven’t been and his friends had £10, they would smoke
considerably smaller than he had originally nice to people. I have abused them verbally. a bong, but that was “nothing out of the
planned. Jones had invited him to the movie’s It was difficult for my staff to work for me. ordinary”, he says. He got his first job in a
premiere at the Rio Cinema in Dalston. But It wasn’t a particularly nice environment. kitchen at the age of 13, making sandwiches
instead, Hardiman watched it on a television and buns at a local café. He was sacked for
in rehab, sitting on a sofa with other patients. I tell him that I had my birthday do, a roast giving away bacon baps.
“I watched it a week into rehab. If I had with friends, at his restaurant one Sunday in
watched it on day one or two, I probably October. He recognises my face but admits, “I
would have smashed the place up,” he says. was probably off my nut.” It would have been
two months before he went into rehab. Did he
While he stayed in a rehab clinic, Step have the manner of someone who was high
by Step Recovery, the restaurant he owns,
Madame Pigg, closed. I live nearby and
have eaten there lots of times. I had no idea
that, just a few feet away from my table, the
chef was in meltdown. When you walk into
Madame Pigg from Dalston’s hectic Kingsland
Road, it feels like you have stumbled into
someone’s cool living room. The pink walls
are decorated with modern art; Swiss cheese
plants dangle from the shelves. The young,
fashionable crowd it attracts must raise their
voices to be heard above the funky jazz and
Nineties groove. “If you want a quiet, candlelit
dinner where you don’t want to hear another
person, then don’t eat here,” he says.

A whole fried sea bass will arrive at your
table complete with its head and tail, standing
up on a bed of spiralised vegetables. The
modern British menu changes daily, but that’s
one of his signature dishes, along with the
porchetta with burnt apple puree, green beans
and bone marrow gravy. Seasonal ingredients
are sourced at Billingsgate and local markets.
The food is inspired by his grandmother’s
cooking, the “Madame” after whom the
restaurant is named. Pictures of her are
hung on the walls next to portraits of David
Bowie and an image of the Virgin Mary.

64 The Times Magazine

‘IF I TAKE ANOTHER DRUG cocaine, he was taken aback. “I was like, what team, to pay my rent and literally keep the
OR DRINK, I’M GOING TO the f***? He’s working on cocaine? How can lights on… ” The initial fundraising campaign
DIE. IT’S THAT SIMPLE’ he do a line of cocaine and serve? Even raised £4,000, plus £20,000 from one donor,
though I was selling it.” But, soon, “Boom, enough to keep the doors open.
His life changed at 19 when he became I was taking coke every single day.”
severely ill and ended up in intensive care That summer, on an average working day he
with a perforated bowel. He was fitted with He moved to London with £30 and would be slugging Jameson whiskey, snorting
an ileostomy bag given to Crohn’s patients, nowhere to live, and began working in pub cocaine and swallowing Valium. He thought,
an external waste bag which sits on his kitchens, where the drugs culture was even “How am I getting away with this? Like, how
stomach. “They gave me every drug under more rife. In one early job, by which time the f*** am I getting away with turning over
the sun,” he says. Hardiman was taking 30 tramadol a day, the half a million pounds, being a drug-riddled
head chef had “weird tics” from cocaine. On addict, going through Covid? That’s obviously
Until then, he’d smoked marijuana but his first day, a member of the team came over because of how hard I worked.”
never tried Class A drugs. His disease gave him to him holding a chart and asked, “What’s
access to a steady supply of free prescription your name again? Adam?” When Hardiman When even his butcher was telling him
drugs. “I ruined a year of an ex-girlfriend’s life, asked why, he replied, “Just write your name to stop putting the “sherbet” up his nose,
because I just trawled her around trying to and how many lines you do.” Again, he was he knew he needed help. But he wouldn’t
find walk-in centres where I could get any shocked. “Even me, a user, somebody that accept it “because of what I thought a man
drug possible,” he says. “All I had to do was abused drugs, thought that was weird.” should be, not seeking help”, he says. There
lift up my top and go, ‘I’ve got 68 staples were two voices in his head. One said, “I can
in my stomach. Give me another box of The kind of substance abuse in kitchens he cope on my own. I’ve built Madame Pigg
tramadol. Give me another box of codeine.’” describes is no secret. Neither is the punishing on my own. I used to run nine pubs on my
working culture of restaurants that fuels it own. I don’t need a counsellor.” But the other
He was high on codeine and tramadol – 51 per cent of people who worked in London voice said, “I need help. I’ve lost to drugs.”
when he went to Caffè Nero in Cambridge for kitchens confessed to debilitating stress and In December, when he reached his own
his interview to work in Jamie’s Italian, after depression in a 2017 survey. Several celebrity “boiling point”, the second voice won out.
spotting an advert on Gumtree that said, chefs have spoken out about their struggles He checked into rehab.
“Jamie Needs You”. They were short of chefs with addiction. Phil Howard has said he used
and hired him despite his main culinary crack cocaine as a coping mechanism at his Since posting about his sobriety on
experience being running a small pizza restaurant the Square, while Michelin-starred Instagram, he has received thousands of
restaurant. “I worked my bollocks off and and now teetotal chef Tom Kerridge has messages from people asking for help. He
there was a lot of bullying, but I didn’t take spoken about his addiction to alcohol. sends them the administrator of Step by Step’s
any of it,” he says. In the year he worked phone number, but it’s the young chefs who
there, he was “abusing the f*** out of Hardiman went out on his own and are struggling in silence that he worries about.
prescription drugs”. Spiralling, he even, briefly, founded Madame Pigg in November 2018. “A lot of people will have watched Boiling
sold cocaine to a kitchen porter, but when he It was there that he met his girlfriend, Alessia Point in denial. I don’t know what percentage
found out that one of the chefs regularly did Farnesi. He spotted her eating one of his of chefs are addicts, but it’s high.”
dishes, followed her on Instagram and sent
her a message saying he’d booked a table for While he was lucky enough to be able
them at his restaurant at 9.30pm. to “pay shitloads of money” to go to rehab,
he realises that many young people in the
When Farnesi is not working as a fashion industry won’t have the means to do the same.
stylist, she is his maître d’. Her mother, Myra
Williams-Heffernan, also helps three days Now sober, he is back at the helm of
a week in the kitchen. Every night before Madame Pigg. “If I take another drug or
service, the staff sit down together to have drink, I’m going to die. It really is that simple
“family dinner”, where Hardiman feeds them for me. That doesn’t mean I don’t get cold
the new dishes on the menu. It’s a ritual he sweats thinking about it now.” He has to
picked up working in some of the capital’s return to work – it’s his livelihood and he
leading restaurants. wants the restaurant to survive – but it’s a
daily struggle to fight against his muscle
His business was booming for 18 months, memory. “I walk past a fridge and I go to pick
then the pandemic hit. He could no longer up a bottle of wine. Wrappers on cigarette
afford to pay six of his staff and downsized packets remind me of gear. I go to the toilet
the team when they reopened. Disaster struck without wanting to go to the toilet and I go to
again in July last year, when he burnt his do a line, even though I’m not going to do a
hand in the kitchen and developed a serious line. It’s my brain. I can’t go to the toilet on
infection. After three operations, he was told my own; Alessia has to come with me. It’s
he could lose a finger. really that sad. But for me to save my life,
I’m going to do everything.”
The injury stopped him from cooking and
Madame Pigg was forced to close for weeks. What does life after addiction look like
He posted a desperate funding appeal on for Hardiman? First on his to-do list is to
Instagram to “Save Madame Pigg”. It read, remove Elton John’s I’m Still Standing from
“After having the most amazing first years his restaurant playlist, after the song played
in business and bringing my dream and now on repeat in rehab. Aside from that, “All
many others to life, the pandemic hits. I don’t I can do is cook, keep my nose clean –
have a bankroll of cash to fall back on as I’m which I will do – and repay people in my
the sole director… I need money to pay my beautiful restaurant.” n

The Times Magazine 65

THE BRIT WHO
DRESSES AMERICA
(you’ve probably
never heard of her)

Her skinny jeans are America’s favourite, her underwear is worn
by A-listers and Olympic athletes, and her business partners
include the Kardashians. How did Emma Grede make the move
from Essex to living the high life in Bel Air – without most people
in her home country noticing? Harriet Walker finds out

Emma Grede, 39. Opposite: from
left: Grede with Kris Jenner and
Khloé Kardashian at the launch of
the Good American denim brand in
Los Angeles, 2016; Kim Kardashian

modelling Skims underwear

PREVIOUS SPREAD AND THIS SPREAD: GETTY IMAGES n the beginning, Emma Grede created company was last year awarded a prestigious ‘I am unashamedly
influencers. Then she invented size 15 B Corp certificate, meaning its production focused on making
– a dress fit no brands have previously process is accountable to high environmental money. My superpower
offered, but which sits right in the and social standards. Prices for a pair start is knowing what an
middle of the female average – and at around £90. “Men in boardrooms used to average woman wants’
advertised it with actual-size models make decisions on behalf of women,” Grede
who had stretch marks and a few rolls says. “If she’s a fuller figure, it has to be cut and her team moved consumer marketing
on the bias and calf-length. Well, we did vinyl past advertising and into #sponcon (sponsored
I on their stomachs. miniskirts in a size 22 and they sold like crazy.” content), a development that now powers an
More recently she gave us shapewear entire economy on social media and beyond.
that doesn’t cut off circulation or look Grede tells me the Good American
like surgical stockings. On the seventh day, boardroom is a rather more diverse affair. “I am unashamedly focused on making
she rested at her multimillion-dollar mansion “It’s just what happens when you’re a black money,” she tells me in an estuary accent
in Bel Air, the wealthy suburb of Los Angeles, woman in charge of a company.” But at Skims undiminished by her move to LA four years
where she has a garden banqueting table at least, the board director also happens to be ago. “I’ve never had a problem talking about
that seats 50 and a wardrobe that is spread her husband. Jens Grede, 43, is a co-founder it. People talk about their purpose and why
over four rooms. not only of the booming Kardashian undies they do their jobs – I wanted to be able to
range but also of the luxe denim brand afford a certain lifestyle. Money has always
Grede, 39, is the most successful British Frame and joint CEO of the London creative been a pillar for me, because I didn’t have any.”
entrepreneur you’ve never heard of. Her agency the Saturday Group, both of which he
denim brand, Good American (where sizes co-owns with fellow Swede Erik Torstensson. Grede grew up in east London and then
range from 00 to 24), took $1 million on its Torstensson, 42, is married to the Net-A- Essex, one of four daughters raised by a single
first day of trading and grew by triple digits last Porter founder Natalie Massenet and the
year, despite the pandemic. Her underwear families often visit each other in California
line, Skims, created smalls for the US Olympic and the Hamptons.
team. Her all-natural cleaning range, Safely,
made eco-friendly products mainstream at the “I’d love to tell you that we don’t talk
height of the pandemic’s hygiene fixation. Yet business at home,” Emma Grede says with
her dentist only worked out who she was after a smile. “But we talk about it all the time.
her recent turn as an investor on Shark Tank, Jens has always supported my ambition,
the US equivalent of Dragons’ Den. both in business and as a husband. I’m lucky
I married a Swede who knew about equality
That’s because Grede’s name doesn’t appear because his mum taught him. It has never
next to the products that have made her an been down to me to look after our house and
estimated $5 million (£3.7 million) fortune. children [son, Grey, 7, and daughter, Lola, 4].”
Although CEO and co-founder of these
companies, she also happens to be the The couple have been together for 13 years
business end of the Kardashian klan, using and worked together for 14. “I move quickly,”
their fame to launch the products she believes she jokes.
people want and need. Khloé Kardashian
(214 million Instagram followers) is the face Grede describes herself as “scrappy” and
of the jeans, Kim (280 million) is the body “a hustler”. She cut her teeth finding sponsors
behind Skims, and their mother/“momager”, for fashion brands who wanted to put on
Kris Jenner (45 million), is the unlikely expensive catwalk shows, partnering labels
ambassador for the cleaning products. such as Alexander McQueen and Vivienne
Unlikely, because a woman who last year sold Westwood with beauty brands, drinks firms,
one of her three California megamansions for tech companies and more – and taking a
$15 million probably wouldn’t know what they slice for arranging the deal. Her first big pay
were last scrubbed down with. cheque came aged 26, when a company she
was working for was bought by the publishing
“One of the hardest things now is to have house Condé Nast.
cut-through,” Grede tells me over Zoom from
Los Angeles, where her Skims and Good After running one of Saturday’s creative
American offices are next door to each other. divisions for Grede and Torstensson, in 2008
“When you partner with talent, you can Emma founded a new venture, ITB, a talent
cut through the noise. But it’s got to be an management group; she still chairs it.
incredible product; if it’s shit, it won’t sell. My
superpower is just knowing what an average “I was early to understand the power of
woman would want.” influence,” she explains. “It had traditionally
been A-list actresses in fragrance ads, but
When Good American launched, Grede I looked at anyone with a cult following.
received hundreds of grateful emails every Artists, stylists – to me, everyone had
day. She still fields plenty of messages on influence that you could potentially
Instagram, where she has 195,000 followers commercialise and monetise.”
of her own, from women delighted to have
found denim (and now swim, gym and ITB was among the first to pioneer and
everyday wear) that fits them. After only broker lucrative brand partnerships on the
six years in business, GA’s skinny jeans are fledgling Instagram between the likes of Justin
now known as “America’s favourite” and the Bieber and Adidas, and the Kardashian half-
sister Kendall Jenner and Calvin Klein, as well
as smaller profile “nano-influencers”. Grede

68 The Times Magazine

Clockwise from left: Grede on Shark all LA – I have a woman who does lymphatic weeks of her babies’ lives. “I just couldn’t hold
Tank last year; with her husband, drainage on me. You have to have a famous on to a pregnancy. I had natural births with my
Jens Grede, and their children, 2018; doctor when you live here. I might not have first two children but multiple miscarriages.
with Khloé Kardashian in Miami, 2019 lost the accent, but inside I’ve gone crazy.” I appreciate surrogacy is expensive [Kardashian
is said to have paid upwards of $100,000], but
mother who worked full-time at Morgan In a very LA move, a week after our I’m keen to talk about my journey in the hope
Stanley. At 12, Emma left home for her paper interview in which she chats to me from it will empower people to talk about fertility
round at 5am every day and came to enjoy her desk while drinking a green juice, Grede struggles without judgment.”
pacing the quiet streets for what she now posts on Instagram the news that she has
realises was a form of mindfulness away from just had twins via a surrogate. In 2019, Kim As well as juggling the twins, her other
the noisy bustle of her home. Kardashian made headlines for choosing to two children and her businesses, Grede is
do something similar after complications also studying part-time, a course in African-
She might count her money in zeros during her second pregnancy. American history. (Diagnosed at 21 with
these days – last June, Skims was valued at dyslexia, she rues having been a “horrible
$1.6 billion, while Good American has an “I turned to surrogacy after multiple failed student” at school.) I can only assume she has
estimated worth of $12.7 million – but she rounds of IVF,” Grede emails in the very early a staff of 200 working around the clock to
is still an early riser. help her manage it all.

“I wake up at 5am, then lie in bed and “I’ve done really well,” she demurs. “I live
think about what I’m grateful for. Then I go very comfortably. My children are fantastic.
down to the gym at 5.15. I’ve definitely gone I have a lovely relationship with my husband.”

What about the four-room wardrobe?
“Can we lie?” She looks a little stricken.
“This is a British magazine and my family
might read it.”
I read about the wardrobe-cum-dressing
room in a recent US Vogue interiors piece shot
in the couple’s Thirties whitewashed mansion,
complete with Scandi-issue haute blonde
wood and white bouclé furniture, a vine-
wreathed terrace not unlike the one where
Harry and Meghan sat for their Oprah
interview, and a 110m swimming pool.
The piece also describes her habit of
hoarding bags of M&S Percy Pigs. Grede
and her family left London in 2018 and
their five-storey Bloomsbury townhouse
went on the market for £5.5 million just
before the pandemic hit. Is there anything
else about home that she misses?
“We never get rain,” she says, almost
wistful. “But I’m so English I still angle myself
towards the sun here, even though it shines
every day. I’m trying not to eat meat here,
because it’s shit in America.”
In fact, she eats always the same soup and
salad for lunch to cut down on the number of
decisions she has to make in her already
crammed day. She wears her clothes in exactly
the same combinations for the same reason.
She often suffers from headaches.
Has the milieu she exists in become
ordinary to her?
“I’ve spent 15 years working with
celebrities,” Grede replies. “You get
desensitised, less bothered. The last person
I was properly star-struck by was Mellody
Hobson, the chairwoman of Starbucks.”
As for her own ambitions, well, just
think of the heights to which reality TV
businesspeople have already climbed in
the States. Emma Grede laughs. “I’d love the
title ‘president’,” she says. “But I don’t think
they get paid very much.” n

goodamerican.com

The Times Magazine 69



Shop!

THE LITTLE BLACK BOOK

What does a foodie have in his larder? Where does our travel expert go on holiday?
What’s in the beauty guru’s make-up bag? Our experts reveal their secrets

Tony Turnbull 12 things in the kitchen of the Times food editor

1 5 9

De Buyer Mineral B frying pans Arbequina extra It’s Alive! Smoked Sriracha Hot Sauce
(24cm, £40; souschef.co.uk) virgin olive oil (150ml, £3.99; eatenalive.co.uk)
Forget the overpriced, overhyped Always pan (one litre, £10.95; Smoky, mild, fermented chilli sauce
– this is one that serious home cooks want. brindisa.com) that turbocharges anything from fried
Sweet and grassy, with eggs to cheese on toast.
2 a hint of pepper on the
finish, good for finishing 10
Specially selected giant dishes but not so crazy
Sicilian nocellara olives expensive you feel a fool Belazu tahini
(150g, £1.69; Aldi) cooking with it. (500g, £5.20, down
Best-value olives in any from £6.95; Waitrose)
supermarket, these won 6 Sweet, nutty and smooth – perfect
three stars at the Great in dips, dressings and swirled
Taste Awards 2020. Mutti tinned tomatoes through chocolate brownies.
(400g, £1.20; major
3 supermarkets) 11
Sweet and ripe. Simply
Fabbri Amarena add garlic and reduce Reserva Catalina
cherries in syrup down for a simple but Cantabrian anchovies
(600g, £8.70; Ocado) flavoursome tomato sauce. (110g, £18; josepizarro.com)
Sweet and juicy Salted for two years and preserved
– my go-to instant 7 in olive oil, these are best eaten
pudding served with thickly buttered sourdough
with yoghurt or ice Wusthof Classic and a glass of manzanilla sherry.
cream and crumbled Ikon bread knife
amaretti biscuits. (23cm, £109; boroughkitchen.com) 12
Never known a bread knife like it
– its double serrated edge cuts through Union hand-roasted
the toughest crust like butter. coffee (200g, from
£4.50; Sainsbury’s)
GETTY IMAGES 4 8 One of the first
speciality coffee
ManiLife peanut butter Mount’s Bay escabeche sardines roasters, and the
(295g, £3.75; Sainsbury’s) (120g, £5; therockfish.co.uk) brand I reach for
No palm oil, no sugar, just You wouldn’t expect Cornish tinned sardines in the supermarket.
salt and peanuts from a to set the culinary world alight but, on toast, Ever reliable, its
single estate in Argentina. these are my desert island snack. Revelation espresso
The king of nut butters. always hits the spot.

The Times Magazine 71



Shop!

LITTLE BLACK BOOK BEAUTY

Nadine Baggott What’s in the beauty guru’s own make-up bag

1  5 9

THE BEST MASCARA THE POWDER THE LUST LIST LINER
Benefit BadGal Bang! Beauty Pie One MAC Eye Kohl in Teddy
Volumizing Mascara Powder Wonder (£16; maccosmetics.co.uk)
(£23.50; benefitcosmetics.com) (£30; beautypie.com) A great eyeliner should be soft enough to
This truly is the best mascara You do not need glide on and blend but not too smudgy. This
I have ever tested. The to be a member of classic bronzed brown can be worn on the
flexible rubber brush does it Beauty Pie to buy lid, lash line and water line. A bestseller
all – adds volume, length this, and it is quite with good reason.
and separation – but it is simply the best
rare in that you can translucent setting 10
reapply a coat mid or end powder ever. Looks white, yet suits every skin
of day and it never tone as it is a soft-focus pressed powder that BEST BROW GEL
clumps or dries hard. blurs imperfections and never cakes. L’Oréal Paris Plump & Set Brow Artist
(£7.99; superdrug.com)
2  6 The secret to a good brow gel is
a gentle tint, a volumising formula
THE DOES-IT-ALL SERUM THE CULT ANTIOXIDANT and a formula that mimics hairs
Paula’s Choice 1% Retinol Skinceuticals CE Ferulic where you have none and covers
Treatment Serum Antioxidant Serum greys if needed. This does it all
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You know that vitamin A A daily vitamin C serum can
is vital for healthy skin and protect your skin from pollution 11
this is the perfect 1 per cent and, to a degree, sunlight, even
retinol vitamin A serum. skin tone and boost collagen. BEST ALL-OVER CLEANSER
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with vitamin C and peptides so an investment that pays back in (£15; boots.com)
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You need look no further. me, you have committed the ceramide-rich facial cleanser, but
skin sin of sunbathing. supersize this to 473ml, as here, or
3 a one-litre bottle from Amazon,
7 and stick it in the shower to use
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Some like balms, others Cicaplast Levres
foaming washes; this hybrid (£7; laroche- 12
gel feels almost like an oily posay.co.uk) Most
balm on the skin yet removes lip balms sit on the BRILLIANT BRONZER
every trace of make-up and surface of your lips and Chanel Les Beiges
SPF and rinses away as a seal in water; not this one. Healthy Glow
hydrating milk. Suits all skin It’s more of a lip cream, Bronzing Cream
types and ages. loaded with shea butter, triglycerides (£43; boots.com)
and soothing panthenol vitamin B5. This clever
4 bronzing balm
8 turns powdery and
THE FLAWLESS BASE Erborian filter-like on the skin.
BB Cream (£38; uk.erborian.com) THE BEST BUDGET PEEL You simply buff in with a
This Korean/French hybrid make-up/skincare The Ordinary 20% AHA 2% BHA short-bristle blending brush
base gives medium, buildable coverage and a Peeling Solution and it serves as a contourer,
flattering semi-matte finish. The BB Crayons (£6.30; deciem.com) bronzer, eyeshadow or all-over
(£23) also work with it to give extra concealer- This blood-red serum is the soft-focus hint of colour.
strength coverage. Like your skin on its best best-value peel around. Apply It truly is idiot-proof. It’s expensive
day without ever looking overly made up. to dry skin and rinse after but lasts for years.
ten minutes to reveal a clearer,
less pallid complexion. It’s @nadinebaggott on Instagram and YouTube
a facial in a bottle. where she answers all your beauty questions

The Times Magazine 73



Shop!

LITTLE BLACK BOOK HOME

Monique Rivalland The interior
expert’s top 10 websites

1 7

Louis Poulsen Artemide
(£765; louispoulsen.com) (£640; utilitydesign.co.uk)
The PH5 pendant is a midcentury Danish The Tolomeo by Italian
classic. Its modern design looks great and design house Artemide
distributes light perfectly around a room. has been a must-have
ever since it was designed
in the Eighties. Sharp
silhouette, soft parchment
shade – it’s timeless.

4

Made In Design
(Armchair, £3,401; Lelièvre, madeindesign.co.uk)
Made In Design is the online shop I visit first
to discover the hottest new furniture designs.
It has just started stocking this armchair from
Lelièvre Paris and I’m obsessed.

2 5 8

Liberty London The Bit The Conran Shop
(£320 each; Moustache, libertylondon.com) (£175 each; normann (£4,420; Le Corbusier, conranshop.co.uk)
Liberty has its finger on the pulse when it copenhagen.com) The Conran Shop is still the best for design
comes to fun contemporary design. These Is it a stool? Side table? classics. Someday I will own a Le Corbusier
stools from French design house Moustache Stand? The Bit by chaise longue.
will add a cool pop of colour to a room. Danish designer
Normann Copenhagen 9
3 is whatever you want
it to be. Made from tiny Murano glassware
Nordic Nest bits of recycled plastic. (£20 each; casacelva.com)
(£489.50; Fritz Hansen, Murano glass is back in a big way. I love these
nordicnest.com) 6 affordable tumblers from Casa Celva. Also see
The furniture emporium the brand Stories of Italy.
formerly known as H&M
Skandium. It’s a one- (£199.99; hm.com) 10
stop shop for the The high street store has really upped its
chicest Scandi pieces, homeware game recently. This stylish rattan Arket
such as this Fritz Hansen lounge chair betrays its price tag. (£35; arket.com)
desk lamp. Arket is great for
essential home
accessories such as
this green glass vase.
It also has lovely
blankets, baskets
and candle holders.

The Times Magazine 75



Shop!

LITTLE BLACK BOOK FASHION

Anna Murphy Our fashion director’s go-to websites

1 5 8

The lingerie from the small British brand Dora I love a locket and the lockets I love most, Great quality at a great price, Aurora London’s
Larsen is the most delicious – and comfortable for their clever cross-fertilisation of a Gigi is the bag of dreams for a pretty down-
– around (bras from £52, knickers from £30; contemporary with a Victorian aesthetic, to-earth £149 (aurora-london.com).
doralarsen.com). come from Kirstie LeMarque
(£595; kirstielemarque.com). 9
2
Harris Wharf London
It’s the question is my pick for an
I get asked most ever-after coat in a
often: where do I colour that’s either as
buy my jeans? And classic or as interesting
my answer is always as you care to go
the same: Raey (£140; (£251; harriswharf
matchesfashion.com). london.com).

3 6 10

I fell in love with the cult I live in Russell & Bromley flatform trainers. I honestly don’t know
Japanese hosiery brand All the comfort with a bit of extra lift what I did before I
Antipast decades ago. (£195; russellandbromley.co.uk). discovered Me+Em’s
Its socks are works of satin track pants (£125;
art for your ankles (£24; meandem.com).
maryqueenofsocks.com).
11
4
Essen’s foundation flats
Happiness (and endless options) is a crisp have a cult following
cotton grandad shirt in white or blue. Wear it among the fashion pack
casual or dress it up with a statement necklace. for a reason. Slipper-like
Mine come from Uniqlo (£24.90; uniqlo.com). in their comfort levels,
they also hit that sweet
7 spot between classic
and cool (£154;
Felt is quite simply one of the most special essenthelabel.com).
jewellery shops in the country, for new and
vintage pieces, but its website is well worth
a visit if you can’t make it to London
(£56 each; feltlondon.com).

The Times Magazine 77

LITTLE BLACK BOOK TRAVEL

Jenny Coad Times deputy travel editor’s top 16

ALAMY, KODIAK GREENWOOD, SCOTT CLARK 1 in the 16th arrondissement, is more accessible 5
and equally thrilling. Its minimalist rooms
Explore upstate New York overlook the rebuilt open-air lido, Piscine 16
There’s always a reason to go to New York Molitor (pictured), an icon of the Thirties.
but, if you have time, add on a train trip Rooms at Hotel Molitor from £225 15
upstate from Penn Station to Hudson, (molitorparis.com)
following the river all the way. The town has 10
an attractive main street, all weatherboards 5
and porches, tempting antique shops and diamonds – is unsurprisingly grand. Best of all
a cool hotel, Rivertown Lodge, in a former Sri Lanka are the jasmine martinis served in the ornate
Twenties movie theatre. On the return Sri Lanka is one of my favourite places, Gol Bungalow Terrace while listening to the
journey, stop off at Beacon for Dia Beacon. especially Lunuganga in Bentota – the country fireworks and horns below.
This contemporary gallery in a former estate of the island’s famed architect, Geoffrey Palace rooms start from £444 (tajhotels.com)
Nabisco box-printing factory showcases Bawa – on the island’s southwest coast. This
modern work from the Sixties onwards in vast is a man who had bells to ring for coffee or 9
spaces. Go in spring when it will be warmer. gin and tonic; the latter would sound each
Rooms from £168 (rivertownlodge.com). For Dia evening at sunset. It’s beautifully peaceful and Bike & Boot, Scarborough
Beacon, see diaart.org there are five private suites to rent. The airy What a location! That sweeping beach, the
gallery studio suite, a former cowshed, is my Cleveland Way right on the town’s doorstep
2 pick, but the main draw is having the estate and the North York Moors National Park
gardens to yourself once the visitors have left. within easy biking distance. I stayed at Bike &
Glebe House, Devon B&B doubles from £169 in the glass house Boot, and borrowed one of the powerful e-bikes
Everyone I know who has stayed at Glebe (lunuganga.com)
House, which opened last year in the east
Devon countryside, wishes they were friends 6
with the couple, Hugo and Olive, who run it.
They cure their own charcuterie, for goodness’ The affordable boutique hotel website
sake. Stay in one of the six bedrooms and I have an addiction to i-escape.com. The
enjoy cosy kitchen suppers of homemade pies website’s wide selection is well chosen and
or cassoulet from Monday to Saturday. Dinner affordable. My latest find on the site is Hotel
is £48 per head, which includes dishes such as Ses Sucreres in Ferreries, Menorca, a village
hogget with beans, shallot, anchovy and chard, near the middle of the island. Its arty rooms,
in the restaurant from Thursday to Sunday. communal kitchen and courtyard for breakfast
B&B doubles from £129. Reopens on February 1 were exactly what I was after. The owners are
(glebehousedevon.co.uk) adding more rooms and a café this year.
Rooms from £121 (iescape.com)
3
7
Stay in an artist’s house, Scotland
Last year I stayed at Artist’s House in the La Tonnarella on the Amalfi coast
sculpture park Jupiter Artland, west of This low-key seaside restaurant, only
Edinburgh. I walked up and down Charles accessible by boat, between Amalfi and Conca
Jencks’s undulating grass mounds, Cells dei Marini was a favourite of Jackie Onassis
of Life, without a soul around, and went and Princess Margaret. I’m now a fan too.
to bed with a Grayson Perry. This year I went there on my honeymoon, renting a
I have the newly renovated and art-filled small speedboat from our hotel to buzz up and
18th-century Old Observatory House down this glamorous stretch of coast. Boats
atop Edinburgh’s Carlton Hill in my moor up outside La Tonnarella where the
sights (pictured). It was originally built signature dish is spaghetti e zucchine – known
for astronomers, so the views are great. as “Spaghetti Jacqueline-style” (the recipe
(jupiterartland.org). Three nights’ self-catering is on the website). I’ve tried making it back
for four from £1,050 (observatory-house.art) home but it doesn’t taste the same and
I can’t go for a swim afterwards.
4 (ristorantelatonnarella.com).

Swim in Paris 8
Perhaps the ultimate swimming spot in Paris
is Le Bristol’s pool in the rooftop from which Falaknuma Palace, India
you can see the Eiffel Tower sparkle at night. Set above brilliantly blaring Hyderabad,
There are lots of other reasons to stay at Falaknuma Palace, the former home of the
the grand dame, but it’s pricey. Hotel Molitor, Nizam of Hyderabad – the family jewel box
included the Koh-i-Noor and Great Mughal

78 The Times Magazine

14 lived there from the Sixties until his death.
B&B doubles from £89, two night minimum stay
3 12 (cittadeinicliani.com).

14 12

to scoot around the park. The hotel accepts 11 Do the Douro by train
dogs, muddy bikes and muddy people – it’s The river is the obvious route from Porto
easygoing and friendly. The Mani, Greece to the port-producing terraces of the Douro
Small doubles with sea views from £85 It’s a four-hour drive from Athens to the Mani valley, but do get the train one way. It’s cheap
(bikeandboot.com) Peninsula, on the southern tip of Greece, but (around £12) and hugs the river for much of
the roads are empty. The Mani is austere the journey. The train expert Mark Smith, aka
10 – the granite tower houses a sign of its feudal Man in Seat 61, calls it “Portugal’s most scenic
past – but fascinating and undervisited. Some route” – and I’m with him. Some trains depart
The beach of your dreams of the tower houses are now hotels. Take Citta from Porto’s attractive São Bento station
One of the most beautiful beaches I have dei Nicliani, with thick stone walls and the (pictured). Bring your own pastéis de nata
been to is Magheraroarty on Ireland’s North most delicious Greek food I’ve eaten. Pay – there’s no refreshment trolley.
Atlantic coast, nearly two miles of powdery homage to the travel writer Patrick Leigh
curving sand. It’s gorgeous. And yes, the Fermor in Kardamyli up the coast – he 13
water is freezing.
Copenhagen cafés
The café culture in Copenhagen now beats the
scene in Paris. My list includes Prolog, in the
meatpacking district on Vesterbro, where they
roast their own beans (natch); Hart Bakery,
set up by Richard Hart, formerly the baker at
Noma (the cheese buns come recommended);
and Juno the Bakery in smart Osterbro where
the cinnamon buns are described as “iconic”.

14

Noto, Sicily
In Val di Noto, west of the baroque town,
is the former fortified farmhouse of Prince
Nicolaci, Il San Corrado di Noto. It’s
surrounded by working countryside and has a
glistening emerald pool, a citrus grove, suites
with sunny patios and a beach club. If you
can extend your stay, go to the Egadi Islands
(Levanzo harbour is pictured), off the west
coast from Trapani. It’s where the Italians go.
Rooms from £445 (ilsancorradodinoto.com)

15

Post Ranch Inn, Big Sur
A road trip along California’s looping Highway 1
is a classic for a reason. Not least because the
route leads to one of America’s most romantic
hotels: Post Ranch Inn at Big Sur. Jutting out
1,200ft above the Pacific, there are 40 guest
rooms (treehouses among them). John
Steinbeck spent a summer working on the
Post family’s cattle ranch, on the site of the
inn. Of course, it has a “basking” infinity pool
from which to ocean-gaze and the rooms show
off either the Santa Lucia Mountains or the sea.
B&B doubles from £1,047 (postranchinn.com)

16

Getting away from it all
I love Hinterlandes Hut in the Lake District, a
20-minute walk up an unnamed fell and with
windows looking out onto 7 peaks. I worry a
bit about the compost toilet but it does have
a wood-fired pizza oven and a proper kitchen.
From £190 (canopyandstars.co.uk) n

The Times Magazine 79

Eating out
Giles Coren

‘A waiter was once so
transfixed by my presence
he wheeled a cheese
trolley out of a first-floor
window. I thought those
days had long gone’

TOM JACKSON, JO HUNT Burnt Orange equivalent of Chekhov’s gun) and then, as if
this were not already stressful enough, in walks
I don’t know if you’ve seen Boiling Point Andy’s mentor, the insufferable celebrity chef
yet, but if you’re even vaguely interested Alastair Skye (played with glorious sleaziness
in what goes on in restaurants (which by Jason Flemyng) with… a restaurant critic!
your choosing to read this review by
no means necessarily signifies), then Oh yes, a restaurant critic. The kitchen
I think you’ll love it. goes mental. Andy is furious with Skye for
And when I say Boiling Point, I am not warning him that he was bringing a critic
not talking about the 1999 Channel 4 along, his otherwise phlegmatic head chef
documentary series that launched Gordon yells, “We’re being reviewed on table four!”
Ramsay and his extraordinary talent for like there’s a murder in progress, the critic
saying “f***” on the world, and changed food tries to assure everyone that she’s just here for
television for ever. I mean the brilliant 2021 a night out and it’s no big deal, but nobody
film by Philip Barantini (still in cinemas and believes her, and the wheels come off the
also available on Netflix), starring the always evening in spectacular style.
incredible Stephen Graham as embattled chef
Andy Jones, and being more incredible than And I have to say, I was flattered. Everything
ever. And also saying f*** a lot. You have to else in the film seemed so realistic and rang so
say f*** a lot if you’re a chef. It’s the rules. true that I found myself genuinely believing
that chefs still care about one-off visits by
The action unfolds on a single night in a well-known critics. In a post-Tripadvisor
new and already successful restaurant where world, where buzz is created on social media
tensions are running high from the outset: by kids with camera phones eating free food,
Andy is having trouble at home, there is and power is spread across 1,000 funny little
a health inspector poking about, a table of food websites with axes to grind, I had been
arsehole Instagrammers demanding special led to believe that nobody was really bothered
off-menu treatment, a racist dad grandstanding about us old dogs any more.
in front of his family by belittling staff, a guest
about to propose to a girlfriend with a nut I know that back in the high old times we
allergy (which is surely the gastronomic national critics used to cause a bit of a stir
among the staff when we walked in – I recall
a waiter so transfixed by my presence at a
corner table that he wheeled a cheese trolley
out of a first-floor window – but I thought
those days were over.

80 The Times Magazine

If I’d known they weren’t, I wouldn’t Burnt Orange puffed up like a football, then slowly deflating
have booked a space at the counter at Burnt 59 Middle Street, under a pool of hot brown butter; spiced raw
Orange in Brighton last week; I’d have tucked Brighton (01273 929923; beef, heaped onto rectangles of crispy polenta
myself away in a corner like I used to. But burnt-orange.co.uk) then covered with grated pecorino at the pass
I was travelling up alone to have a look at Cooking 8 and scattered with chives; and crispy smoked
what the guys behind the awfully successful Location 8 lamb shoulder cigars which I couldn’t not
Salt Room and Coal Shed were up to, and Vibes 8 order, having watched Dantanus slice one
thought that a bar seat would be less lonely. Score 8 and lay it criss-cross over a pat of Padrón
Price There is a pepper-piqued yoghurt with caperberry slivers
It’s a beautifully refurbished site on Middle nine-dish sharing and sultanas and possibly za’atar (which plays
Lane, just left off the main road down from menu for two or its own villainous role in Boiling Point).
the station before you get to the sea, full of more people priced
wood, stone, leather and umber tones that at £35pp, which is The grilled marinated prawns also looked
speak of food grilled rustically over smoking absurdly great value. amazing, but they were hefty ones, and there
coals, long before you get to the open kitchen were four of them and I knew that they would
at the back, where four young men are grilling Look, maybe they didn’t care what I thought, kill me, appetite-wise, for giant prawns are
rustically, over smoking coals. maybe they actively hated me for things I’d truly the carbohydrate protein, a huge natural
written before, or for any number of perfectly cannolo of superdense flesh. Nor could I risk
They put me on the corner stool at the end good reasons, but on the other hand maybe the huge tangle of spiced calamari fritti with
of the bar, in front of the pass, looking straight they dreamt of a great review in The Times, preserved lemon aïoli, for that is beer food
at head chef Peter Dantanus as he plated each or knew that their mum did, or their financial for sharing with friends, and I didn’t have any.
dish. Behind him, the firemen, the choppers and backer. Maybe, like in the film, one of them Beer, that is. Or friends, for that matter.
flippers and roasters, huddled and mustered. was in catastrophic debt, one was self-harming
Normally, it would have been fine, but I’d just from the stress of the kitchen, one had just But the grilled Sussex halloumi looked
seen Boiling Point the night before. So suddenly left his wife, and it was all they could do to too good not to have: two wide slices bubbling
I noticed the guy at the back look over at me, get food on plates for normal punters, let on the skillet to be slid onto spiced fig honey,
double-take and nearly chop his finger off. alone the bastard critic sitting there, staring pine nuts and mint. And from there I couldn’t
I saw him whisper to the bloke next to him and at them, like a big, fat, judgmental toad. quite make it to actual meat, great though
tell him not to look. The bloke waited seven or the mangalitza pork belly and lamb kofta
eight seconds and then turned and looked at Was that vodka in their water bottles, like in sounded. So I kept it plant-based with
me and then up at the ceiling behind me, as if the film? Were they all off their tits? Was there some super-slithery smoked miso aubergine,
checking the extractor unit was still there. And a big bag of coke in a desk drawer out back? disciplined with crispy onions and sour cream,
then he told another guy and he told Dantanus, and a plate of barbecued pumpkin, charrily
but he already knew and shuffled them quietly I would say, to these last questions, meaty in its own way, with spiced ricotta
back to work. And I just felt terrible. categorically not. Because service was and pickled mushrooms.
seamless, quiet, mellow, respectful and the
product quite wonderful, both visually and in No room for pudding, obvs. I’d already
the chewing. It was just me that was on edge, snarfed down eight dishes after my server
primed by the movie to regard myself as a had expressly instructed me to choose two or
potential catalyst for terrible stress and them three, maximum four. And that gluttony led
as, well, people with actual lives that could, in me to my only quibble. Not a complaint, Lord
theory, be made less livable by me. knows. I don’t want you to think I was sat
there like some goddam line judge shouting,
So I kept my head down and stared at my “Fault!” when tiny things displeased me.
menu of snacks, starters, “wood-fired” things My overall verdict is, “Hurrah!” But when
and sides, although I chose what to eat from a kitchen is doing so much with each dish,
the dishes being crafted in front of my eyes, as putting so many flavours on each plate, you
Dantanus took things from the men behind him can start to feel a little overwhelmed. Certain
and finished them with tweaks and flourishes. notes can seem to repeat quite often, in a meal
that is honestly not repetitious in the least.
There was wood-fired flatbread, brown
and pitta-like, rather than fluffy and naan-ish, But, like I said, that’s my own fault for going
alone and ordering too much and getting in
everyone’s way and freaking everyone out.
Especially with all their debt and stress and
marital problems and drug habits and… Oh
no, wait, that’s not Burnt Orange, that’s Boiling
Point. Must try to separate truth and fiction.
Last thing I want is Stephen Graham coming
at me with a meat cleaver. n

The Times Magazine 81









Beta male
Robert Crampton

‘What would I do We got playing that old classic at work the I reluctantly have to concur, which is the
if I had a bit more other day: “What would you do if you had a whole basis for fantasising about having more
money? Get a valet bit more money?” Not a massive amount more cash. Another 30 grand a year would do it. Or
to sort my gym kit’ money, not “buy an island in the Caribbean” 50. Or maybe 100 so we could bank a chunk,
more money, just enough to afford a treat that seeing as in the not so distant future we’re
TOM JACKSON you can’t quite justify at present income levels. going to have to stop loading debt onto the
mortgage and actually pay it off.
The game arose because, at home for
Christmas in Derbyshire with her parents, one After the discussion at work, I went home
of our number had said to her mum how great and got involved in a similar load of nonsense
it’d be to have someone deliver her all the about superpowers. For most people, this
papers in bed. (Much as we’re all onlinely and debate comes down to flying versus invisibility,
new media and digi-tastic here on my desk, although I’ve noticed in recent years invisibility
we like the old-school feel of newsprint too.) is dropping in popularity, no doubt due to
Paperboys and girls are a thing of the past its association with acts of voyeurism newly
in much of the capital. I guess parental fear, unacceptable under changed cultural mores.
traffic, newsagent density, crappy wages and
now the internet have done for that one-time My son Sam chose fire-starting, or
rite-of-passage staple of adolescent slave labour. pyrokinesis, but then he’s always been a
potential arsonist. He went through an
My colleague’s mum replied that she’d alarming phase of melting plastic toys with
like a meal-planner. A modest and yet noble matches when he was about eight.
ambition, I thought, although I’m not entirely
sure what a meal-planner is or does. My Rachel argued for teleportation, which is a
brother-in-law Colin has a little blackboard in good shout, although fantastically complicated
the kitchen that says things like, “Wednesday: and dangerous I would have thought, getting
lamb tagine”, which looks terribly grown-up. all those molecules to reassemble instantly in
Mind you, he’s also got a long-term to-do list precisely the same configuration. She eventually
that says, “Tell Covid to f*** off”, so maybe he’s accepted my preference for trans-temporal
not that mature after all. Under “Tell Covid travel on the basis that it covers teleportation
to f*** off” it says, “Get an onion”. Excellent anyway, while allowing for movement across
attention to both the big strategic picture and time as well as space. Time travel is even more
the small tactical details, I thought. complex to master, I imagine… But that’s why
it’s called a superpower.
Other people chipped in with massages
and spas and weekly haircuts to maintain that Obviously, I’d be tempted to go back to
tonsorial sweet spot when the length is bang kill Hitler, and yet I find myself persuaded
on. Somebody else wanted a chef, which by Ricky Gervais’ argument against doing so.
I thought was a bit cheeky. Mind you, I made Gervais reckons it would be better to arrange
a bid for a manservant – batman, major domo, Adolf’s successful admission to the Academy
valet, secretary, call it what you will – which of Fine Arts in Vienna in 1907 instead. Also, as
I suppose was getting uppity as well. Doc Brown repeatedly warns so passionately
in Back to the Future (and I believe the other
Whenever, in novels, films and military Doctor, Who, mentions it as well) you’ve got to
histories, I come across the concept of the be ultra-careful about messing with rips in the
“batman” I always think how convenient space-time continuum.
having one must have been. I don’t mean
having a superhero keen on optically challenged I think I’d content myself with finding
flying mammals – I mean having an orderly, out once and for all what happened to
as in the interwar British Army. But instead of the mid-Seventies to mid-Eighties singles
pressing my No 1 uniform and brushing down collection I stupidly left in storage at my mum
my polo pony, he’d get my kit ready for the gym and dad’s house when I left for university, and
and make sure the Oyster card was topped up. never saw again.

Maybe a bit of light chauffeuring, I categorically did not sign off on selling
gardening, handyman repairs, dishwashing or binning them, yet when I scoured the loft
loading, cooking once or twice a week, before we sold the house, they had vanished.
bill-paying… Stuff I don’t do much of at the Gone. Disparu-ed. It might seem a trivial use
moment but which would be a great help to of such a breathtaking scientific breakthrough,
my wife. She always says we can’t afford to but it matters to me. n
pay for other people to do all that stuff and
[email protected]

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