51 Before they notice, I’m back in my room, rummaging through the grey box, trying to piece together the questions in my mind. I stare at the picture but unlike last night; I can’t seem to look away—it’s clear. Later that day, he tells me they’ve decided to let me stay with him, claiming to have given Ma a call, convincing her to let me ‘cool down’. I thank him; biting down the questions, the anger, and the betrayal. I am nineteen years old, a high school dropout, and I just found out my mom has been lying to me my entire life. The next three months are the slowest I’ve ever lived through. We continue with life as usual. Coach pushes me harder in training every day, and I try my best to bury all my troubles in fighting, hoping it will give me the solace that I so desperately desire. I am in the best shape ever by the time the fight arrives, determined to do my best to win. Although the previous round caught me off guard, the referee ruled it a slip, not a knockdown. I stand in the blue corner, Coach barking orders at me. The ringer sounds and I move into the center. My body positions itself like clockwork. I hear Ma’s voice shout over the cheering crowd, encouraging me to keep going. I creep in cautiously. Two jabs at him. Throw punches in barrages of four, six, eight, and nine. He retaliates with a hook, which I duck. I return it with an uppercut. Straight shot to his head. He hurtles to the ground with a loud, final thud. The crowd erupts into loud cheers and Coach climbs into the ring, a large, toothy smile spread across his face. After the congratulations, we retreat to the locker room, getting ready to make our way home, when Ma walks into the room, beaming with pride, “Nana! Congratulations,” she says, pulling me into a hug.
52 My shoulders tense, and my breath hitches at her touch. I clear my throat, pull away, and look between her and Coach. I’d convinced myself, that if I waited long enough, they would come clean, and give me an explanation. Instead, they stand in front of me, smiling. No regard for the damage they have caused. My eyes shift from Ma to coach, anger bubbling up as I watch him, “I found the box,” I say. His smile fades, mouth slightly gaping open. Ma looks between us, her eyebrows crunched up in confusion, “what box?” She asks. I keep my eyes on him, the longest I’ve looked at him in months, and for the first time I see it; it’s like looking into a mirror. All my life, I’ve been a Gumede, son of Siyabonga and Didi; the truth that has made up who I am. Who am I, if not the man my father taught me to be? I clench my jaw, trying to control my breathing, “Is it true?” I say, swallowing down the pain. He steps forward, and I step back, flinching away at his touch, “Mo,” he says with glassy eyes. “What box?” Says Ma, again. My gaze shifts to her, “Ask Pelo,” I say, making her eyes dart to Coach, who is still tongue-tied before me. She watches him, but he refuses to meet her gaze. “Does dad know?” I say, but she remains silent. I nod, understanding. I exit the locker room, ignoring her pleading and his sad eyes. I’ve had a million questions swimming in my mind, but the only one I can conjure up as I walk out of the gym is; what makes a man? What makes a father? And will I ever forgive mine enough to find out?
53 Nomonde Zondo Unraveled
54 Unraveled One, two, three. Four, five, six pills, next to a glass of water. Sat on the pristine, white counter. Waiting for me. Anti-Anxiety. Anti-Depression. Antipsychotics. Prozac and. Mood stabilisers… I’m not crazy! But according to Thabo, these were all the pills I needed to feel better no matter how many times I insisted I was fine. I’m not crazy. “Take it one day at a time my love.” He assured me. “Soon, I’ll decrease your dosage, maybe take some off, but for now, I need to make sure you’re doing good, and once I feel confident in you, then maybe I’ll take some off.” He kisses the side of my head as he hands me the stuff. Watching and waiting for me to take them. I put them in my mouth, put the water in my mouth, split the pills in my mouth and hide them between my cheeks and swallow the water. I open my mouth to show him my empty mouth and he smiles. He kisses my forehead and grips my side. Slowly and gently caressing my hip with his thumb. “That’s my girl.” He smiled at me with honeyed words. His phone pings, the new message making its presence known, he turns to look at it, picking up his dog’s water bowl to fill it up and in a quick move, I took the pills out my mouth and stuffed them in my bra. “The garden looks amazing.” He commented. “You think so?” I smiled, looking at him. “Ping!” Another message. My garden is my baby. Thabo knew how much each of the different colours that fill the backyard meant to me and his acknowledgment of my babies and hard work warmed my heart. “I was thinking of extending just a little bit...” “Ping”! Another message. “Sound great to me.” He squeezed my hand looking at his phone. “Are you ready for the gala tonight?” He asked. “Yes. I only need to do my hair, my dress and everything else it set.”.
55 “I mean with the preparations, does the venue look good? I don’t want to be embarrassed tonight.” He stated. “Ping!” Another message. “Umm… well, I’m meeting with decorator at the venue later today. Is everything okay?” I asked. “Yeah.” He responded and his ringtone sung loudly, the sound filling the room, he stepped out briefly to answer it and with nothing else to do, I overheard Thabo’s latest piece crying for his attention, welcome to the club for her I guess…He stormed back in to grab his stuff and leave for work. “I’ll see you tonight. Don’t let me down.” He huffed before slamming the door. Strange…She doesn’t look like she’d be a needy mistress. I stepped out into the backyard and warm autumn sun lightly dances on my skin as I water the garden. I pulled the pills out my chest and threw them into the flowers, watering them until they dissolve. I’m not crazy, I don’t need these things. But seeing what Thabo’s stupid dog did will make me crazy. I had warned Thabo against getting the ugly rat but he didn’t listen now this stupid little dog was destroying my garden. I finished watering my garden and went to check the amount of damage that had been done. At the back of the garden, near the fence was a small hole and a few broken flowers. I pick up my damaged baby and headed inside. I had heard a few interesting facts about the baby in my hand and I just want to fact check it and the internet really had a lot of interesting things to tell me about my baby and I love her more and more. Her name is Lily, she is from the Valley. She wears a sweet perfume and white skin, she stands on one side of her stem with a beautiful bell shape body. She grows these beautiful red berries that are good for the heart when you make them into a tea or juice, and after hours of research I had found the perfect recipe. I jotted it down on a notepad that sat near the computer.
56 First I tried making the berry juice but I only managed to get half a glass. I poured the juice into the dogs water and started working on the tea and a few hours later, VOILA! The tea was grinding and ready. Before I ha the gala preparations I had to go check up on Sarah. What was she doing? Who was she with? I scrolled through her pictures, my heart pounding faster and harder with each passing image. Although Sarah wasn’t Thabo’s first mistress she was young and beautiful. *** Thabo hosted the gala annually and I was responsible for organising it. With the gala in full swing, the hall is alive with people's laughter, clinking glasses, and loud conversation hums. Thabo and I greeted the guests, putting on my practised smile as the guests complimented my work. My eyes scanned the crowd, spotting familiar faces and exchanging pleasantries, but my blood was boiling. Not only does Thabo cheat on me but he also has the nerve to bring his past and current flings to the gala that I had spent weeks preparing for. There was Natalie, from last year's office party. Then Elaine, who he took on his business trip to Durban, then Sarah, a young, new patient. I counted five in total, each one’s appearance felt like rubbing salt in an open wound. Colonel Kempe and his wife, our neighbours, approached us. Colonel Kempe, tall and imposing in his dress uniform, gave me a warm smile. "Joy, Thabo, this is a wonderful event, I love what you are doing." His wife chimed in, “Yes, it’s absolutely beautiful. The way you’ve decorated the place is amazing as well. You both have outdone yourselves again.” I forced a smile, my heart pounding. "Thank you, we’re so glad you could make it." “Ugh! I don’t trust that man, what kind of man drinks wine? Real men drink Whiskey, like me.” Thabo commented as they moved on to greet other guests and we mingled with other guests, Thabo leaned in close, his breath hot against my ear. “You know, after the gala, I’m going to drop you off at home. I’ve got work to do. Don’t wait up.” I stiffened, my forced smile faltering. Anger rose within me. “Work to do?” I echoed my voice barely a whisper.
57 Thabo smirked; his eyes cold. “Yes, work. Just make sure everything is perfect here. It’s what you’re good at, after all.” He walked away, leaving me standing there, seething. My hands clenched into fists at my sides as I watched him charm another guest, his disrespect twisting the knife deeper into my heart. This was supposed to be our night, a night where we supposed to be a united front to the world and give back to the community. Instead, it was just another reminder that he didn’t care about me. He didn’t love me. I took a deep breath, steadying myself. I had to keep it together, had to maintain the facade. But inside, my anger was a blazing fire. I spent the rest of the night smiling and talking to the guests and as the night came to an end, we drove home in silence, no one saying anything to the other. On arrival at home he parked the car on the curb and waited for me to go out. I looked at him for a few seconds hoping that he would look at me and say something but nothing. I got out of the car, made my way into the house and started getting myself ready for the night. This man didn’t love me, he didn’t care about me. I had done to make him happy and make sure he is content, but he didn’t care. If someone would’ve told me when we first got together that this is how he would be then I wouldn’t have believed you because that man loved me. He loved me… He loved me… in the past, he used to love me but now he doesn’t. He doesn’t love me; he doesn’t care about me. He has no love for me!! I hear the door open and close, footsteps approaching, and Thabo peeks his head into the bathroom, where I was washing my face. “Forgot my laptop.” He announced before h walked off again. I continued with what I was doing then I heard footsteps rushing towards me, quickly. “What happened to Pippa?” He asked he sounded angry. “What do you mean?” “What the fuck happened to Pippa?!” His voice getting deeper and his eyes getting darker. He grabbed my arm and growled at me, and I looked at him in confusion. “She’s dead!” His eyes dark and angry. A dog! He’s upset over that damn dog! If I were to die, would he feel sad?
58 Who am I kidding? He loves that dog more than me. “What happened?” I asked sounding concerned. He told me he came back to fetch a file, and he followed a bloody trail he saw and found the mutt curled behind the shed with foam in its mouth before he stormed off, leaving me confused in the bathroom … Was she dead? Thabo sat on the bench on the porch, with a glass of whiskey in one hand and the dead dog on his lap, his head on his shoulder as he brushed Pippa’s body with his fingers, lost in his own world. “I’m cancelling work, I’m not in the mood to go.” He spoke, his voice was soft and barely audible. I sat beside him and rubbed his arm, comforting him. The dog is dead… The Dog is Dead!! I can’t believe it! The Juice killed the dog?? The juice killed the dog!! And the son of a gun is cancelling his plans for the stupid dog!!! What about me?! I’m his wife and he wouldn’t even cancel plans for me! Just one night…A night that used to be about us and giving back has turned so…ugly. He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t care about how I feel. His greed has clouded him. He doesn’t care about me! He cares for that dog more! Since he loves his dog more then me, he probably loves to join his dog!! “How about you cancel work tomorrow and spend the day with me?” I suggested softly and he shook his head.’ “I’ve got a busy day tomorrow, lots of clients to see.” He sat up a little bit straighter, his voice still barely audible. “Think about it,” I gently squeezed his arm. “You’ve been working late a lot these days, and you just lost your best friend, I’m sure they will understand at the clinic.” He groaned softly.
59 “Just think about it, plus it’s Sunday. Who works on a Sunday? I’ll also make you a nice Sunday lunch, just to make you feel better.” I smiled at him and kissed his cheek before he let out a groan in agreement. I giggled as I got up to get him a plastic bag. He side-eyed me before putting the dog in the bag and we both went inside to unwind and get ready for bed. As early as the morning sun rose, I woke up alongside it and got ready for the day. Today was going to be a long day. The gardener who comes in monthly to do upkeeping came in early and did his usual thing before digging four holes in the backyard, three for a new project, and the last one we buried the dog in. He left as Thabo came to where I was. “I buried Pippa in the garden,” I told him and watched as his face subtly twisted before he started screaming different insults at me, my body tensed up, I was fuming but I kept a calm front and apologized to him. I didn’t know burying his dead dog would be a big issue since, you know…the dog is DEAD and has to be buried since it’s DEAD. After I managed to calm him down, I sat Thabo at the dinner table and served him tea in a teapot, pouring the first cup for him before going to the kitchen to make lunch. I came back holding a tray with two plates and put them on the table, one was his, the other was mine. “The tea’s great.” He commented as he put his empty mug down. “Thank you, it’s from a flower I grew in my garden, it’s got a lot of health benefits.” I smiled. “Is there more?” he asked as he poured another cup of tea. I nodded and sat opposite him as we were at lunch, the silence in the room was loud and deafening as each person focused on their plate. “I have a bag of compost coming soon,” I spoke watching him as he took a sip of tea before turning his attention back onto his plate. “I think I might use it on th Magnolias or Orchids… or I could use it to patch up the damage done in the garden.” I was still looking at him trying to get his attention. “Oh my Joy!” he chuckled still not looking at me. “You’re always busy in that garden of yours, I like that. Keep it up.” He looked at me for a second before looking back down
60 I narrowed my eyes, glaring at him but he paid no attention to me. I got up from the table and went to the kitchen. Boiling… My blood was boiling and my heart was pounding loudly, I could hear it pumping in my ears. Breathe… Calm down… One; two; three; in…five; six; seven; out…repeat three times then pick up dessert and more tea for my husband with a smile, I’m doing this for my husband. So he feels better about the loss of his dog. I took my seat across from him and watched as he had the dessert with tea. “Are going to have some?” He asked and I shook my head, my eyes set on him. “Good.” He nodded before he continued eating “You need to watch you weight anyways.” I watched as he spoke, his lips were moving, and his voice was audible but I had no clue what he was talking about. My mind raced with different thoughts but the one that plagued my mind was “When will the tea kick in?” After what felt like an eternal half an hour I decided to rip the band-aid off and confront him. As soon as the question was asked, my heart pounded faster, having regrets and Thabo’s face twisted in disgust. “What do you take me for?” His voice sounded flat. “The person who should be asked that question is you since you spend the whole day in the house doing nothing. Who knows who you bring in the house when I’m away. There was a man in my house this morning, how do I know what you did” He spoke matter-of-factly and cold, his eyes dark and expressionless. I tried to keep my cool, but I could feel my front slowly slipping on and off. My brain does not register any of the words he was saying. I tried to apologize but he wouldn’t hear anything from me. “You’re crazy!” “You’re crazy!” “Me…Cheat? You’re crazy!” He growled continuously under his breath.
61 My eyes were locked to the wall behind him, waiting for the time, his voice sounded like it was talking from a distance. Going on and on, denying his sins as I counted each passing second in my head. “Maybe I should increase your dosage hmm? Maybe you’ll be less cuckoo.” My eyes swiftly move, looking at Thabo, his statement gaining my attention. “How could you accuse me of something like that Joy? You know you’re the only person I love” his eyebrows were knitted together, he rubbed his face with his hand before getting up and walking out of the room still muttering insults to himself, leaving me at the table with my eyes locked onto the wall, counting each. Passing. Second… Thirty minutes… Half an hour… There were thirty minutes of insults before the house fell silent. I got up and walked towards Thabo. I froze for a moment when I saw him dead on the couch with a glass of whiskey in his hand. My body sighed in relief, The deed was done, and there was no turning back. I giggle in excitement. The sound of the doorbell brings my head back into my body and grab the TV remote to turn it on. I quickly scan the room and the doorbell rings again. I wipe the foam off Thabo’s mouth using his shirt and put the remote in his hand before rushing to answer the door. Colonel Kempe stood on the other side of the door with a smile on his face and pack of beers in his hand. “Good Afternoon Mrs Matthews, is Thabo home, the big game is on this afternoon and we were going to watch it together.” He beamed standing up tall and straight. “Oh, Colonel! Nice to see you, Thabo is home, but he passed out on the couch. Poor man, you know they’ve been overworking him down at the Clinic, and he’s exhausted.” I responded, sounding concerned about my husband. “Oh! That poor man, you know…” The colonel continued talking but I wasn’t paying attention, my mind was racing, thinking of different ways to hide Thabo. “…and that’s why I tell Thabo that there’s no better job than protecting and serving our beautiful country.” He boasted proudly. I thanked him and sent him off before heading back inside.
62 I pushed Thabo’s body of the couch and his body landed with a gentle thud on the carpet, his body curled together. I grabbed him by the legs grunting and stopping to catch my breath as I dragged him into the bathroom and plopped his feet on the floor, taking a moment to catch my breath, my eye shifted around the room looking for anything useful. My eyes landed outside the open window, where the shed stood. I closed the window and grabbed old papers and plastics to cover the bathroom floor and walls. Quickly, I made my way to the shed, skimming through and grabbing any tool I might need, trowel, pliers, hacksaw and axe before scurrying back inside making sure not to be seen. I dropped the tools on the bathroom floor and rolled Thabo’s body across the floor, struggling to get him in the tub but eventually managing. I filled the tub up with water. I started with his hair, I shaved it off and parts of his scalp got cut but I didn’t care, I was on a mission. Next, I stabbed his hands and feet with the trowel and wiggled it until I heard the joints pop and used the hacksaw to separate those parts from the rest of his body. I then started working my way up his body with the axe and hacksaw, lower legs…off. upper legs…off. Arms…off. And finally, his head came off. I had never cut up a human before, but the precision and carefulness of my work would make a butcher proud. I let the water out of the tub and then poured a bottle of bleach all over the body parts to cover the smell of a dead body in the bathroom. I took a step back and looked at his scattered body and the reality of my actions crashed over me and tears rolled down my face as I cried, not just for the love I had that died, but also mourning the parts of myself that I had lost along the way. There was no turning back, even if I could, I wouldn’t change anything. After six long hours of cutting and chopping, my bag of Compost was here! I smiled as I carefully wrapped the scattered body parts up and put them in a trash bag to use later. Then took a hot shower to wash the tiny, splattered pieces of Thabo off me I’m not crazy, I
63 know I’m not crazy and I told Thabo multiple times I was crazy, and he didn’t believe me. Now who looks crazy? The person who was warm and comfortable in their house or the person scattered into many pieces in a plastic bag. I chuckled and continued with my evening as usual. As midnight approached, I moved quickly and carefully placing Thabo’s parts in the dugout holes, first his arms and legs in one hole then I carefully added a layer of soil, next was his torso and finally, his head, I softly kissed his cold, dead lips before gently putting his head in the soil before adding a layer of soil I stood up looking at my work—a grave befitting the man who had betrayed me and his best friend. I removed the gloves and laid them beside the fresh mound of earth. Turning my back on the graves, my mind was finally at peace! As the early morning hours rolled around, I wore Thabo’s gym tracksuit and cap, hiding my figure as much as possible, and packed a suitcase of his clothes, along with his phone, wallet and laptop and put it in his car before driving to an alleyway near an apartment complex I had memorised, dumping his car there before taking a taxi back home trying to continue with my day as normal but the house phone kept ringing non-stop. Thabo’s coworkers were asking about his whereabouts, and I told them all the same story. “Thabo left early this morning for the office, he said he had a lot of work to do…He’s not at work? I don’t know where else he could be…Did you try calling him?” With each caller, I got more and more concerned. I called his phone multiple times and got no response. I went and knocked at the Kempe’s house, The colonel’s wife answered and I stood at her door with tears rolling down my face. “Oh, Dear! What happened?” She asked grabbing me and holding me against her bosom. “Thabo” I croaked before she ushered me in the house. She offered me tea and listened as I told her the story of my husband’s disappearance. “Thabo left for work early today because he said had a lot of work to do. I got multiple calls from the clinic saying Thabo wasn’t and work and if I knew of his whereabouts, I told them no, and to keep calling his phone. I also tried to call him multiple times but got nothing.” She calms me down, tells me not to worry and calls her husband to let her know of Thabo’s disappearance.
64 “George says he’ll come by your place when he knocks off work, he’s also alerted the other police to be on the lookout, everything will be just fine.” She smiled at me and gently rubbed my back. I thanked her and got up to go back to my place, just in case Thabo comes, he finds me in the house. Evening came and there was still no sign of Thabo. The doorbell rang as I was preparing supper. The Colonel stood at the door, his usually cheery face looking sombre. I let him in and he gives me a tight hug before making ours to the dining table. He asked me what happened, and I repeated my story to him with my head hung low. “Thabo left for work early today because he said had a lot of work to do. I got multiple calls from the clinic saying Thabo wasn’t and work and if I knew of his whereabouts, I told them no, and to keep calling his phone. I also tried to call him multiple times but got nothing.” “Don’t you worry, we’ll find him.” The colonel reassures me, “I’ll put my best men on this case and we’ll leave no stone unturned, trust me.” “Thank you Colonel” I chuckled lightly as I got up. “I’m making myself a cup of coffee, would you like one?” I offered. “Ohh I shouldn’t, technically I’m still on the job since I’m here questioning you, but because it’s you, a cup of tea wouldn’t hurt anyone.” He commented. “Coming right up!” I smiled, making my way to the kitchen and came back with two hot mugs. “I don’t want you to assume the worst dear, but I just need to know…Is there anyone you would suspect to have done something to your husband? Did he owe anyone money or perhaps hurt someone unintentionally?” The colonel questioned as I sat down, I took a moment to think about his question, my eyes bouncing around the room. “mhh no, everyone loves Thabo, why would anyone want to hurt him?’ I responded and he nodded. “Unless…actually, nevermind it can’t be.” “Unless what? Tell me, any piece of information you have could be useful to finding him.” He urged. “Well…I suppose, I mean I doubt it but anything is useful right?” I took a deep breath before talking. “Thabo has been seeing this new patient at the clinic and something about
65 her isn’t right. She seems to have some sort of obsession with Thabo, she even calls him in the middle of the night. He’s tried to get her to stop but she won’t. stop. She once threatened to commit suicide if Thabo didn’t answer his phone” The Colonel listened as I spoke, taking notes on his notepad for investigation. “Can you give me a name dear?” He asked. “Sarah, that’s all I know. Thabo probably has a file in his office with all the details you may need, but again, I’m not sure it could be her.” I shrugged. “A lead is a lead.” He commented as he gulped the rest of the tea down. “ It’s time I head back to the missus before she thinks I’ve also disappeared.” He chuckles then quickly stops. I walk him to the door and bid him farewell. “Colonel, please bring my husband to me in one piece,” I asked with my eyes glassing over, He nods at me and walks away and I closes the door.