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RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGE
WITH A CATHOLIC CONSCIENCE


A.O & Sarah. N
DATING


Interviewing A.O and Sarah. N
1. State your names and how long you have been dating?
A.O & Sarah. N: “Dating for 8 years (with a 9 month break).”
2. What qualities did you look for in a significant other/spouse?
A.O: “Caring, musically inclined, tall, beautiful, from a good family, within the same faith.”
Sarah: “Someone who loved the Lord, educated, musically inclined.”


Interviewing A.O and Sarah. N
3. How did you meet? Describe the courtship and dating process. For example, did societal expectations affect/impact dating?
A.O: “Through mutual friends. Societal expectations didn’t impact the courtship too much.”
Sarah: “Met through mutual friends. I believe societal expectations and norms did impact the path the relationship took. Traditionally, courtship would have either not occurred or lasted a short time. However, the traditions of the western world shaped the relationship to where it is today. Some good aspects others debilitating.”


Interviewing A.O and Sarah. N
4. How long do you think it is appropriate to date before a couple makes the decision to get engaged?
A.O: “Engagement is a serious step towards a marriage which is very sacred. It should not be entered into lightly. Therefore, one should be comfortable with their partner in order to discuss the possibility of marriage and all that it entails.”
Sarah: “I believe in the first 6 months one can assess if this is a relationship one wants to pursue further. Focus on the future is needed in order to gage this. Most people are not concerned with this matter within the first 2 years if they last that long together.”


Interviewing A.O and Sarah. N
5. What are your perceptions of labour and who makes decisions in your future household?
A.O: “The house, kids, and the social obligations will be something the woman in the relationship should take care of. Finances should be handled by the one who is better at them, but both parties should be aware of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly financial activities. Both parties will make decisions, in case of a difference of opinion the man will make the final decision.”
Sarah: “Both male and female should work. Duties should be shared in order to achieve success and to avoid an uneven burden. Both members in the relationship should make/discuss pros and cons before a decision is made. In the nature of a difference of opinion and both do not want to proceed with a united decision, the man makes the final call.”


Interviewing A.O and Sarah. N
6. Why and how did you acquire these perceptions? (parents, society, etc.)
A.O: “Traditions, parents, society. My faith tells me the man is the head of the house. I feel society says women plan the outings (family outings), manage food/cleaning/kids. That also means I can have duties delegated to me.”
Sarah: “Traditions, parents and society. In the Christian faith, the man is the head of the house. I believe that and will respect that when I am a wife. Women will be more involved, but men can be brought into the fold of child rearing. Men can do more than just work, watch sports, workout, and hang with their buddies (the picture societal norms paint as seen in movies and tv shows and written about in novels, magazines etc.)”


Interviewing A.O and Sarah. N
7. If living together, how are jobs and decisions actually divided in your relationship? Who does what in the household?
A.O: “Not living together. I do outdoor stuff. Cook if I have too. Help tidy the place (no major cleaning).”
Sarah: “Not living together. I do whatever is required at home. Make my own food, do my own laundry, help with cleaning and maintenance.”
8. What are some causes of conflict in your relationship?
A.O: “I want to pursue music and this is unstable. She wants to get married.”
Sarah: “A stable source of income is not present. Taking the relationship to the next level doesn’t look promising.”


Interviewing A.O and Sarah. N
9. What is your advice on solving conflict in relationships?
A.O: “Tell her she is right. No, talk it out. Listen. Respond with conscious and attentive thought. Do not let the day end in anger and resentment. Silence is a waste of time.”
Sarah: “Talk it out. Listen. Watch for nonverbal cues. Abandon poor conflict management habits (eg. avoidance, defensive behaviour, aggressive behaviour). Let love be the reason always to work through the conflict.”


Interviewing A.O and Sarah. N
10. What are your views on marriage in general? How is it different than dating? (Is it life long? Seriousness?)
A.O: “Marriage is a sacred union. One that is blessed by God, and a commitment made for a life time. It is very serious, and needs to be respected. Dating is not the same, living together is not the same. It is more than a tax cut or a status. Marriage allows for a person to be completely exposed to their spouse. I believe one should live together after marriage.”
Sarah: “Marriage is serious. More than dating, it’s a commitment made in front of god and the family and friends. It is meant for a lifetime (until death). Marriage is two people working towards a united goal to either better collectively or individually. It is a union that is meant to allow one the freedom to be genuine and raw. Marriage is God ordained, in order to allow the plan and will of God in one’s life to be fulfilled. Men and women were made to serve God together, to take care for the land and animals.”


Interviewing A.O and Sarah. N
11. Does God or faith play a role in your relationship at all?
A.O: “Yes it is the basis of our relationship.”
Sarah: “Yes, it is the foundation and the place we turn to during challenging times.”
12. Do you have any relationship advice you would like to give?
A.O: “Love her, tell her, respect her. Work towards combined goals and don’t be selfish. Encourage each other, a win is a combined win and a loss is a combined loss, that has to the mindset. Do not allow anyone to come in between you and your partner.”
Sarah: “It’s more than skin deep. Set up a standard for your relationships, an then be brave enough to follow through. Trust one another, keep each other accountable. Keep Christ at the center of your relationship.”


Michelle Martins and Sharam Ghasemi
ENGAGED


Interviewing M. Martins & S. Ghasemi
1. State your names and how long you have been dating?
”Michelle Martins and Sharam Ghasemi... We have been dating for just under 4
years.”
2. What qualities did you look for in a significant other/spouse?
Martins: “Someone with a sense of humour, one who is patient, family-oriented, smart, driven, settled in their career, kind and generous.”
Ghasemi: “I was definitely looking for someone who had the same morals and values that I had. I also wanted to be with someone who could be themselves around me. I wanted someone who could make me laugh, someone I could have fun with, someone who could make me a better person.”


Interviewing M. Martins & S. Ghasemi
3. How did you meet? Describe the courtship and dating process. For
example, did societal expectations affect/impact dating?
Martins: “We met at a restaurant downtown Toronto. It was my 27th birthday and I was celebrating with my friends and he happened to be there with his best friend and the rest is history. Our parents did not affect/impact our dating. We were both old enough to make our own decisions as to who we dated and both our parents trusted that we would date a good person with the same morals our families had. For the most part society did not have an impact on our dating. We are of different ethnic backgrounds but in today’s world that is not a problem thankfully.”
Ghasemi: “I met her at her 27th birthday party. She had planned a night out with her friends at a downtown restaurant. My best friend and I decided to go there as a night out and, as we were leaving for the night, we bumped into each other and started talking. Because there is quite a distance between us, we were only able to see each other once or twice every week.”


Interviewing M. Martins & S. Ghasemi
4. How did you know this person was “the one”?
Martins: “For me it wasn’t a defining moment- a light bulb didn’t go off. However, knowing that he was helping me to become a better person was one thing that made it obvious he was for me!”
Ghasemi: “I don’t think there is ever a time where the light goes on and you know that the person is the one. I think through time you can’t see yourself without the person.”
5. How long did you date before you were engaged?
Martins: “We dated 3 1⁄2 years before we got engaged.”
Ghasemi: “...In my mind this was the right time as I think this gave us a chance to really get to know each other.”
6. What are your perceptions of labour and who makes decisions in your future household?
Martins: “I believe household chores should be shared equally as best as possible. In my house, my parents share the workload most of the time, although my mother does pick up my dad’s slack here and there and does the cooking as he has no clue! In my future household we will be making decisions together.”
Ghasemi: “I have always envisioned a situation where household chores and decisions would be made jointly. Also there might be times where one half might not be able to contribute as much based on their schedule, work load, or personal reasons in which I really think that there should be a compromise.”


Interviewing M. Martins & S. Ghasemi
7. Why and how did you acquire these perceptions (parents, society, etc.)?
Martins: “My perceptions came from my family- both within my home and my extended family. Although many members of my family are more traditional and distribute chores based on gender, the fact that I saw a different scenario in my house allowed me to see both perspectives and then choose what would be best for me in my future.”
Ghasemi: “I was raised in a household in which both my parents worked full time and had to share the responsibilities. They were both willing to help and participate in the decision making and help each other with chores and tasks.”
9. What are some causes of conflict in your relationship?
Martins: “Not spending enough time together as I work a lot (teachers take a lot of work home and I have a second job).”
Ghasemi: “I think the biggest reason why there is conflict in relationships is lack of communication and false assumptions. I think couples need to communicate objectively and respect each other’s opinions or feelings. Most of the time, these feelings are not communicated verbally.”


Interviewing M. Martins & S. Ghasemi
10. What is your advice on solving conflict in the relationship?
Martins: “Take a step back and cool off so you don’t say anything you’ll regret. Then, once you’ve calmed down listen to one another without interrupting each other. Use “I” statements and say how YOU feel- don’t say “you said this and you are that”- you’re acting like the problem was the other person’s fault and passing blame, which will only ignite the conflict further.”
Ghasemi: “Having an open two way communication approach will definitely help resolve most conflicts. Couples need to discuss openly and objectively their feelings with each other and not judge or make assumptions on what the other person needs or wants.”
11. What are your views on marriage in general? How is it different than dating? (Is it life long? Seriousness?)
Martins: “To me, marriage is forever- which is why I’m getting married in my 30’s. I’ve made sure to really reflect on the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with and look for someone with those qualities. Moreover, my fiancé and I have dated for a long time, which gave us the time to really get to know one another.”
Ghasemi: “Marriage is forever and dating is a trial run for that marriage.”


Interviewing M. Martins & S. Ghasemi
12. Does God or faith play a role in your relationship at all?
Martins: “It does for me, but my fiancé isn’t as religious- he often questions organized religion.”
Ghasemi: “I believe god always opens doors for people and it’s left to you to walk through it.”
13. Do you have any relationship advice you would like to give?
Martins: “Just be yourself from the beginning and let the person see who you truly are. Compromising is key.”
Ghasemi: “The biggest advice I can give to anybody is to communicate effectively with your significant other.”


Mr. & Mrs. McAllister
MARRIED FOR LESS THAN 5 YEARS


Interviewing Mr. and Mrs. McAllister
1. State your names and how long you have been married?
“Patrick McAllister... Ana McAllister... married for 1 year 4 months, together for 11 years.”
2. What qualities did you look for in a significant other/spouse?
Patrick: “Good personality. Character, confidence, and a good sense of humour.”
Ana: “Someone who is kind to others, helpful and willing to put others before themselves, a good sense of humour.”


Interviewing Mr. and Mrs. McAllister
3. How did you meet? Describe the courtship and dating process. For example, did societal expectations affect/impact dating?
Patrick: “Met in grade 5! Started dating in grade 12. Our parents were very supportive of us.”
Ana: “Met in grade 5. Started dating in grade 12. My parents were “nervous” of letting their youngest child and only daughter date. Once they got to know Patrick they felt comfortable and felt that their daughter found a good match and positive influence.”
4. How did you know this person was “the one”?
Patrick: “She’s my best friend.”
Ana: “Because he inspires me to be a better person everyday. We were friends at first so [we] knew each others strengths and weaknesses.”


Interviewing Mr. and Mrs. McAllister
5. How long did you date before you were engaged?
“We dated for 10 years before getting engaged... (17-27 years old).”
6. Before marriage, what were your perceptions of labour and who makes decisions in the future household?
Patrick: “Teamwork.”
Ana: “We have always tried to divide work evenly. Patrick prefers certain tasks/chores, as do I. We also take each others difficult days into consideration. If Patrick is home late I will start dinner and do what I can to help him. He does the same for me.”


Interviewing Mr. and Mrs. McAllister
7. Why and how did you acquire these perceptions (parents, society, etc.)?
Patrick: “My parents worked (and still work) very well together. I learned from them.”
Ana: “My parents – European background. My father worked & mother stayed home. Because we both work these “traditional” perceptions have to be altered: ex. Patrick cooks too!”
8. How are jobs and decisions actually divided in your marriage? Who does what in the household?
Patrick: “We have a good balance. I do the majority of outside work, and my wife does the majority of the inside work.”
Ana: “Outside/garbage, vacuuming , dinner, laundry: Patrick Cleaning washrooms, vacuuming, laundry, dinner: Ana”


Interviewing Mr. and Mrs. McAllister
9. What are some causes of conflict in your relationship?
Patrick: “My laziness!”
Ana: “The little things/habits we have to adapt to since married and living together.”
10. What is your advice on solving conflict in the relationship?
Patrick: “Communicate. Address issues as soon as they arise.”
Ana: “Be as positive, kind and respectful as possible. If something is wrong or bothering you – the way you communicate/ deliver your message and emotions is crucial in maintaining a respectful relationship.”


Interviewing Mr. and Mrs. McAllister
11. What are your views on marriage in general? How is it different than dating? (Is it life long? Seriousness?)
Patrick: “Marriage is forever.”
Ana: “Marriage is a celebration of two people promising a life long commitment before friends, family and of course God. Dating is the process of making sure that you and your partner are a compatible match.”
12. Does God or faith play a role in your relationship at all?
Patrick: “Yes, we are both Catholic.”
Ana: “Yes, faith and tradition are important to us as we both wish to have and raise Catholic children. We believe it enriches a person’s life and adds a deeper meaning with Christ’s invaluable lessons.”


Interviewing Mr. and Mrs. McAllister
13. Do you have any relationship advice you would like to give?
Patrick: “Happy wife, happy life!”
Ana: “Always have a high level of respect towards your partner, negativity and poor communication can become habitual which can lead to an unhealthy relationship. Marry your best friend! Inspire one another to be better.”


Mr. And Mrs. Paluzzi
Married For Between 5 and 25 Years


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Paluzzi
1. State your names and how long you have been married? “Dominic... & Lisa Paluzzi. We have been married for 14 years as of
August 18, 2015.”
2. What qualities did you look for in a significant other/ spouse?
Dominic: “Looks, intelligence, hard working, loving, funny.”
Lisa: “Hard working, funny, able to enjoy life, have a good time, could make me laugh, responsible, attractive, dependable, honest, someone who would look after me if need be.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Paluzzi
3. How did you meet? Describe the courtship and dating process. For example, did societal expectations affect/impact dating?
Dominic: “We met through two mutual friends. We went away on a trip and it started there. We dated long distance for a while and saw each other at least once every two weeks. I eventually relocated to be closer. We dated for about three years and then got married.”
Lisa: “We met while visiting mutual friends in London, Ontario. We were both staying at the same friend’s apartment for the weekend. We ended up dating long distance for the first few months as Dominic lived in Sault St. Marie. It was important to both of us that our parents approved of the relationship.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Paluzzi
4. How did you know this person was the one?
Dominic: “I knew she was “the one” after the first time I went to visit her. I just knew.”
Lisa: “Initially I was waiting for one single defining moment in which I would know Dominic was the one. That never happened which was very troubling for me. It wasn't until after we were engaged and Dominic was in a serious accident that I realized I wanted to be with him no matter what and he was ‘the one’ true love of my life.”
5. How long did you date before you were engaged?
“We dated for about two years before we got engaged. We were then engaged for a year and a half.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Paluzzi
6. Before marriage, what were your perceptions of labour and who makes decisions in the future household?
Dominic: “Always both sides had equal say on any decision.”
Lisa: “It has always been my belief that both the husband and wife are equal partners and should therefore share equally in labour and decision making.”
7. Why and how did you acquire these perceptions? (parents, society, etc.)
Dominic: “Mostly from my upbringing.”
Lisa: “I would say that my education influenced these perceptions, particularly the idea that men and women are equal and are equally capable. My upbringing was also influential as in my home growing up both of my parents shared in responsibilities.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Paluzzi
8. How are jobs and decisions actually divided in your marriage? Who does what in the household?
Dominic: “Decisions are divided fifty fifty. Household chores and other things we also try to do equally.”
Lisa: “Many of the traditional male/female divisions of work can be seen. I do a lot of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, whereas my husband does the more physically demanding jobs such as yard work or snow shoveling. My husband is willing to share some of my jobs but he doesn’t have my same high standard so I typically prefer to do it myself.”
9. What are some causes of conflict in your relationship?
Dominic & Lisa: “Most conflicts have centered around the same issues over time. Extended family, sharing responsibilities, money, and sometimes our son and how we discipline.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Paluzzi
10. What is your advice on solving conflict in the relationship?
Dominic: “Never go to bed angry. Always try to work things out no matter what.”
Lisa: “Solving conflicts is probably our weakest area. The best advice, although we unfortunately don’t regularly practice it, is to take time out to sit down and think about the conflict. This helps to decompress a stressful situation.”
11. What are your views on marriage in general? How is it different than dating? (Is it life long? Seriousness?
Dominic: “Marriage is... till death do us part. It is different than dating in regards to it is for life.”
Lisa: “My views on marriage continue to evolve as my life develops and I experience different stages. Marriage is about family and commitment and requires mutual trust, respect, and similar values.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Paluzzi
12. Does God or faith play a role in your relationship at all?
Dominic: “Faith and god play a very big role in our relationship.”
Lisa: “Faith is important as we have both been raised as Catholics who attended Catholic school and Church. We had this in common as an important foundation. We are raising our son in the same values and traditions.”
13. Do you have any relationship advice you would like to give?
Dominic: “Enjoy every minute and cherish all time spent with each other.” Lisa: “Have fun, enjoy life and be a team.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Paluzzi
14. Do you have any children? If you do, how has being a father/mother impacted your marriage? (Has it brought you and your husband/wife closer together, what has the experience taught you, how has it changed you as a person etc.)
Dominic: “We have one child, our son. Being parents brought on a lot more stress in our relationship. But it taught us to work better as a team.”
Lisa: “We have one 7 year old son. Having children is not for the faint of heart but has brought us the most joy from our marriage. It’s a tough job that helps us learn more and more about ourselves and our relationship.”


Mr. & Mrs. Mundadan
MARRIED FOR JUST OVER 25 YEARS


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Mundadan
1. State your names and how long you have been married? “George Mundadan... Rosy Mundadan, married for just over 25 years.”
2. What qualities did you look for in a significant other/spouse?
George: “I wanted to have a partner who is educated, broad minded, career oriented, honest, and trustworthy.”
Rosy: “I always wanted to be married to a devout, humble, kind, educated and committed person.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Mundadan
3. How did you meet? Describe the courtship and dating process. For example, did societal expectations affect/impact dating?
George: “We got connected through my cousin sister who was teaching in the same school and was friends with Rosy. We had a short dating period as I was away working in a different country. We communicated through letters and phone calls those days. We used to meet when I went down on vacations. Parents were happy with our relationship and they were part of the process of us getting married.”
Rosy: “I met George through his cousin who was a good friend of mine. I used to teach with her at the same school. My parents were involved in the whole process as expected in those days. Since George was away working in another country, we dated when he used to visit India on holidays and vacations. We corresponded with each other through calls and letters.


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Mundadan
4. How did you know this person was “the one”?
George: “During the times I met Rosy, I felt that she is “the one” because [she possessed the qualities] of pleasant nature, humility, kindness, education and [good] family background. Also she was beautiful and I found her compatible with my way of thinking.”
Rosy: “When I met George during our first few meetings, I could see that he was a person who gave importance to his faith. He had most of the qualities I was looking for. My parents were also quite happy because of his family background, education, etc. They felt confident with my choice. Due to these factors I felt he was “the one” for me.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Mundadan
5. How long did you date before you were engaged?
George: “We had a dating period of almost a year before getting engaged. A year was a good period to understand each other.”
Rosy: “Today looking back I do wish we had more time to date. We dated for about a year before our engagement.”
6. Before marriage, what were your perceptions of labour and who makes decisions in the future household?
George: “I always thought the woman would take care of the house issues. Important decisions would be made in consultation with each other.
Rosy: “Growing up in my family, I was under the perception that majority of the household chores would be done by the woman. My mom was a housewife and so she took care of all home matters. Major decisions would be taken by my Dad of course in consultation with my Mom.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Mundadan
7. Why and how did you acquire these perceptions (parents, society, etc.)?
George: “I got these perceptions from what I saw at my home and in the community around me.”
Rosy: These perceptions were acquired while growing up as I witnessed the same in my family and society around me.”
8. How are jobs and decisions actually divided in your marriage? Who does what in the household?
George: “Jobs are divided somewhat equally. Wife will do major cooking and I will do most of the cleaning and outdoor duties.”
Rosy: “Since I have been married and working the jobs are equally shared. Cooking is done by me since he [George] is not interested much in that. Cleaning, grocery etc. will be done between George and myself. As far as decisions are concerned, we always have an open communication between us, discuss the pros and cons of any matter and then only come to an unanimous decision.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Mundadan
9. What are some causes of conflict in your relationship?
George: “There are conflicts in our relationship when it is just between two of us. We are very understanding and cooperative. Rosy never said “No” to anything I suggest unless she finds it too bad for us.”
Rosy: “Sometimes conflicts arise between us because of our opposite natures. He is calm and easy going and I am generally a worrier. So, often I worry about things and when I see that he is calm about it, I feel irritated. Likewise, he may lose patience with me if I worry and make a big deal of small problems.”
10. What is your advice on solving conflict in the relationship.
George: “Free and open conversation about everything is important. Wife should be a reliable, trustworthy partner in life.”
Rosy: “I strongly believe that any conflict can be solved if it is dealt with in a positive manner. Open communication plays a key role in solving conflicts. Expressing your feelings to your partner about what you like or don’t like is always very important. So talking it out is always crucial.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Mundadan
11. What are your views on marriage in general? How is it different than dating? (Is it life long? Seriousness?)
George: “Marriage is a lifelong relationship. In my case, it is a very beautiful relationship because Rosy is a very nice person. During dating, we are in a dream world and after marriage we get into reality... serious life.”
Rosy: “In my opinion, marriage is a life-long commitment and partnership based on love, understanding and trust. I think it is definitely different from dating. You now are living in close constant contact with each other. You are sharing every aspect of your life together. You may now see and experience things you do not like and at the same time you learn how to be flexible and adjusting, looking at the positive side. Marriage is like two stones rolling together, starting off rough and bumpy and then eventually smoothening out their sharp edges.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Mundadan
12. Does God or faith play a role in your relationship at all?
George: “Of course. God and faith play a very important role in our life. We pray together, go to Church together for Mass, Retreats and other Prayer sessions. This is something that brings us closer together and strengthens our relationship.”
Rosy: “I do believe that God brings us closer together in marriage. Every marriage should be laid on the foundation of a strong faith. It helps in strengthening the bond between couples and make their marriage successful.”
13. Do you have any relationship advice you would like to give?
George: “Be honest and sincere with each other. Get involved in joint projects/activities so that you feel like you have achieved something together.”
Rosy: “I really cannot emphasize enough the importance of open communication between married couples. Do value and respect each other’s opinions, feelings, etc. In addition, make sure that you periodically plan to spend some time together, away from the busy routine of life.”


Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Mundadan
14. Do you have any children? If you do, how has being a father/mother impacted your marriage? (Has it brought you and your husband/wife closer together, what has the experience taught you, how has it changed you as a person etc.)
George: “Our daughter has definitely brought us even closer. My wife and I help each in doing things for our daughter. All decisions are done together as a family. This experience has taught us how important it is to be bonded well as husband and wife and the positive impact that that will have on our daughter’s overall development.”
Rosy: “We have one daughter and bringing her up has strengthened the bonds between us. Any decision related to her now is always done in consultation with her because she is 17 years old. I am usually the disciplinarian in the family and he is more easy going so that strikes a perfect balance between us. This helps bringing up our child become a more positive experience.”