Tough Cookie Magazine

WELCOME TO

I’m so happy to be able to share a project so close to my heart.
The journey to make this happen has been beautiful, and I’m eager to

share it with the world.

I started this zine so that I could create a platform for marginalised voices to share their
stories & art. A publication focused on talking about and tackling issues that are often
off-limits due to fear of judgement or being labelled ‘taboo’.

Tough Cookie is here to open up the conversation and promote progressive thoughts, ideas
& questions from perspectives & voices that aren’t always heard in our society.

So what is a Tough Cookie?

For me, it relates back to three things;

Resilience. Power. Survival.

My mum used to call me a Tough Cookie. Innocently, at first; I didn’t cry when I scraped my knee in the
playground. When I was a teen, it was because I dealt with the death of my father with a strength
I didn’t know I had. or today, because I won’t give up no matter how bad my mental health gets.

I’m sure a lot of us feel like we’ve had to develop a thick skin to survive in this world. While it’s filled with
such magic and charm, it can be an equally daunting, scary and unfair place. Tough Cookie is a zine
for anyone who’s ever struggled in any capacity, whether that be with mental health issues,
identity, confidence, or trauma of any sort. This is a safe space for everyone to enjoy. Use this
publication as a chance to escape from the pressures of everyday life. Perhaps you’ll see
yourself reflected within the pages, or find new ideas that challenge and inspire you.
With each flick of the page, I hope you can resonate with some of the thoughts of
this zine and find some peace within these pages.

The things that are hard to talk about, can be easier to read first.

So let this inspire you to share your own stories,
and find your own voice.

Much love, Erin.x

Follow The Journey 3

@toughcookiemag

6-9

one walk a day

10-13

THE BALANCING ACT

14-21

NADya tjuska

22-25

CHELSEA MTADA

26-27

HAZEL DAVIS

28-31

Martin Turrell photography

32-35

SELF CARE EVERYWHERE

36-39

teresa lin

40-43

IM A SURVIVOR

44-45

OUT OF OFFICE

46-47

Olivia tate

48-49

44 PRISS NASH

PHOTOGRAPHERS ILLUSTRATORS
& ARTISTS
Ellie Harris
ERIN JAMES
@fourfaced_illustration
@ERINJAMESMEDIA
nicola may
MARTIN TURRELL @queercoww

@MARTINTURRELLVISUALARTIST olivia tate

NADYATJUSKA @olivia_tatedesign

@NADYA.TJUSKA teresa lin
@teresalin0122
COVER ARTISTS
issy raine
@issygraphics

writers

FRONT COVER ERIN JAMES
@ERINJAMESMEDIA
olivia tate METTE
@METTTTTE
@olivia_tatedesign
OLIVIA TATE IS A GRAPHIC DESIGNER & ILLUSTRATOR. CHELSEA MTADA
HER WORKS CELEBRATES FEMALE EMPOWERMENT & SHE (INTERVIEW)
HOPES TO SPREAD AWARENESS ON TOPICS SUCH AS
@CHELSEAMTADA
MENTAL HEALTH, BODY POSITIVITY & MANY MORE
IMPORTANT ISSUES PRISS NASH
@PRISS_NASH
INSIDE COVER
Hazel DAVIS
Ellie Harris @GOATSBRUH

@fourfaced_illustration SPECIAL THANKS TO
ELLIE HARRIS IS A BRIGHTON BASED ILLUSTRATOR JUST
maddie thomlinson
STARTING HER CAREER AND PRODUCING EXCELLENT FRANCESCA FULMINI
WORK. FASCINATED BY FACES, SHE STARTED ELIJAH PAILTHORPE
ILLUSTRATING PEOPLE, CHLOË CHAPMAN
BUT NOW LOVES TO EXPERIMENT SALLY HOLME
WITH OTHER OBJECTS IN A lewis green
CARTOONY AND COLOURFULWAY. DANDI LION 5
ZOE GODD
BACK COVER ELSA MO
VIRAL
NICOLA MAY
@queercoww
nicola is a multi-disciplinary artist . they
produce predominantly print & illustrative
based work and their work focusses on
queer, gender & feminist issues.

ONE WAL

THE LOCK-DO

PHOTOGRAPHY BY E

@ERINJAM

MOD

6 DAND

ELIJAH PA

K A DAY

OWN SERIES 7

ERIN JAMES MEDIA

MESMEDIA

DELS:
I LION
AILTHORPE

a note from the

I wanted to capture a feeling of both freedom & captivity
the corona-virus has panicked everyone, and each day it

from reality. this photo series was taken on my househo
beautiful sunset, enjoyed hula-hooping in the park, and li
apocalyptic & silent, and we were able to skip down the r

were the only people in the world, and forget about th

88

e photographer

y in these photos as we navigate life under lock-down.
seems we wake up with our grip further and further away
olds 'one walk a day' where we stumbled upon the most
istening to music on our dodgy speaker. The streets were
road like children in fits of giggles, as we pretended we
he worries of modern life for a brief moment of bliss.

9

THE ART OF BALANCING A CREATIVE CAREER
WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES

10 Words by Erin James
Title by Nicola May

WALKING THE LINE BETWEEN

SELF-SANITY AND CREATIVE
AMBITION; AN UNSTABLE TIGHTROPE

BENEATH MY FEET,

- BLINDFOLDED AND DRUNK -
SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE

I’M WALKING TO MY CERTAIN DEATH.

I wasn’t always mentally ill. I was once a carefree child, with problems that only extended to the
scratches on my knees and the drama within my friendship group. Then one day, like garden flowers

blooming overnight, my problems (that had perhaps always bubbled under the surface) came to a
startling head. The dreams I’d had as a child of being a writer and film-maker slowly sank to the
bottom of a very dark and lonely ocean as I struggled to understand how I could pursue a demanding

creative career when I couldn’t even leave the house to go to school.

Like many others going through their teenage years, I experienced both physical and mental growing
pains. I started to take ownership of my mental illnesses and tackle my trauma, one uncomfortable
therapy session after another. I eventually found myself in a place where I felt ready to start pushing
myself to go after the creative career I’ve always wanted. I assumed doing what I loved as a career
could only be a positive thing for my health, but life’s never that simple. I explored my creativity,
started doing photo-shoots, fighting for gigs and opportunities, got connected with like-minded
industry professionals and slowly built a humble foundation around me. This led to the point where I
was able to support myself through freelance work, using all the creative skills I’d inadvertently been
practicing for most of my life.

Starting a creative career felt phenomenal, but no one ever told me how hard it would be to look

after my mental health while running around from job to job for 12 hours a day. Nor how being so

ambitious sometimes means that you put unhealthy amounts of pressure on yourself to succeed,
11
often leading to burnout.

How working from home can be dangerous if the dawning sun lighting the smile that sits on
you’re depressed and anxious. How clients my face, and the faint background of birdsong
pushing you to the limit to get the job done soothes my ears as I once again appreciate my
can be pressurising and damaging. I wanted to worth. But we must never become complacent
share some of the ways in which I’ve kept - as soon as we start scrolling and comparing,
myself well in an industry that can be anxiety finds a way to creep up on us, like a
demanding, exhausting and frustrating. toxic ex sliding back into our DM’s. It’s so
important to remember to catch ourselves in
If you work within the walls of negative cycles of thought, challenge them,
the creative industry, you’ll know rewrite the self-belief programming, and remind
ourselves daily that we are enough, our work is
that there are pros and cons to enough.
working so closely with your art
Maintaining client relationships is another thing
and your passion. that can be a huge challenge for those
struggling with their mental health. To put it
There’s a huge amount of pressure that sits on lightly, people can be difficult and social
our chest whenever we create something so situations can trigger a lot of anxiety in those
close to our heart. When it pays off, the end who struggle with the day-to-day. Learning
result is one of euphoria and pride - but the how to handle the pressure of selling yourself to
process can be extremely stressful for anybody, potential clients and negotiating the fees you
and can become a nightmare for those who want can be terrifying. I learned the hard way
struggle with their mental health. how important it is to manage expectations
when building a relationship with a client. Often
The ‘Culture of Comparison’ is something we’re in the early stages of my career, I found myself
all impacted by, no matter the industry. trapped in the middle of a job, realising with
Instagram can easily become an enemy once shaky hands and a sweaty brow that what I
we start to mindlessly scroll through stories and could offer and what my client expected were
posts, quickly becoming engulfed in other completely different, then having to work twice
people’s idyllic stories and successful projects. as hard for an end goal that I wasn’t happy with.
Lola has just landed a photography job with Putting your foot down from the start and
Vice and Harry has just shot a music video for setting out clear boundaries of what art you’ll
one of your favourite artists. Often you find your produce and at what rate you’re comfortable
self-worth and confidence taking a knee- creating is crucial, yet such a challenge if you
buckling-beating, fading far faster than they struggle with confidence or understanding the
took to develop, leaving you wondering why worth of your work
you aren’t at the same level as your peers. I
found myself asking; Am I good enough? Why It was frightening for me at first,
can’t I support myself solely with my creative learning how to have faith in my
abilities like others do? We are all so quick to
compare ourselves that we often forget that we work
are each on our own journeys, with our own
timelines and pace. Social media can be toxic, and my abilities; not budging for clients that
and over-indulging in other’s success (often thought I was worth less. I often had to fake my
posted for their own validation) can lead to confidence in order to get others to believe in
habitual low self-worth. me, and somewhere along the line, I started to
believe in my own lie. I realised, with my head
After experimenting with taking breaks from held high, that I was indeed worth what I had
social media, and focusing on the work I was been telling others this whole time.
doing, I found my pervasive anxious fog lift, the
negative habits retracting just as quickly as If you can understand your own importance and
they took a hold of my consciousness. I am value from the beginning, it’s going to make
proud of the work that I create without
comparing it to other people’s success -

12

navigating difficult situations with difficult patiently at the back of my consciousness,
people a whole lot easier. If someone is hiring waiting for a chance to work itself into every
you for your service, you set the rules. You thought I have. I remind myself daily that I am
have the power to be able to tell them exactly doing the best I can. Mental health affects
what you can offer and what you’re work, and work affects mental health, one
comfortable doing. Sure, you’re going to get it feeds into the other in a dizzying display of
wrong sometimes, and there will be jobs that power.
make you feel like a failure, but it’s all part of
the process. As Napoleon Hill quoted, In the United Kingdom, 80
million days are lost
“Every adversity, every
failure, every heartache every year due to mental
carries with it the seed of illnesses, costing

an equal or greater employers £1-2 billion each
benefit.” year ,

and for me, those are words that I live by so clearly it’s not just me. There is a societal
every time I miss the mark, for I am not afraid pressure pushed on all of us to work full time
of failure, I welcome it as a lesson on how to jobs with a smile and an ease most of us are
do better next time. just not accustomed to, so I stopped feeling
guilty when I had to say no to work a long time
The final point I want to end on is how difficult ago.
it can be to balance mental health with work.
Sometimes we’re just not able to, and that Whatever it is that you’re doing, whatever
realisation in itself is a powerful one. If you’re dream you’re trying to chase, just remember
pushing yourself to go after the creative career that it is your own journey, and no one can tell
you want, but it’s doing more damage than it is you how to navigate it correctly except
good, then it’s okay to step back and stop. yourself. Working while dealing with trauma
You’re not always going to be ready, will never be easy, so put things in place to
sometimes we need more time to heal than protect yourself and set boundaries that you
we realise. While producing work can be an are comfortable with.
ecstatic feeling, if we’re not in a mentally
stable place to do so, why should we push Most importantly, check in with yourself every
ourselves? day, and remind yourself that you are amazing,
and that your career will fall into place when
Being ambitious and wanting to go out and you are ready, and not a moment earlier..
grab life by the balls is an excellent trait to
have, but balanced with mental health issues it words
can become tricky. I know personally I’ve often
wanted to push myself to do more for my by
career, but have had to stop, taking on less
work and focusing more on my own personal erin
growth and healing. Sometimes it can feel like james
a loss, like I’m never going to make it while my
mind is so messy and muddled. I have to
remind myself that my health is the most
important thing in my life, and my career will
always be there waiting for me. What good will
it be being a successful creative professional if
I’m not happy?

I have to take sick days and I’ve lost a lot of
jobs due to my mental health, which again
feeds into the feeling of failure that always sits

13

NADYA
TJUSKA

@nadya.tjuska

I’m Nadya Tjuska, and I'm just a simple human.
Recently I’ve had pretty intense anxiety and struggle with adhd. I’ve been collecting old postcards and
old photographs from flea markets to re-purpose them. I feel it would be sad to see the story of the
postcard wasted. Creating these collages has helped soothe my adhd and anxiety, it keeps my mind busy
with the flow of creativity through thinking of new ways to depict the images. This year i have been
researching and reading about history, with a focus on gender and with current circumstances - it
reflects my strong desire to raise awareness about climate change, and understanding the solutions
for it. For example, I take inspiration from learning about the extreme significance of women during the
Soviet union, and how in many aspects they were exploited and underappreciated.

14

FIRST BIRTH

i was wondering that day, who gave the first birth? Surely you need both males and

females equally to create human life, so why do women not deserve equal human

rights as men? after all, the pay gap, family planning, women's welfare and children's

is dictated by a male majority in the western world. how would they know what it's

like to be a woman? 15

THE PIECE IS MADE OUT OF 12 postcards, and each one merges into a story, inspired
on THE Male Gaze, and feminise it. I’ve been reevaluating how we consume popul
16 I’m glad that we see more awareness risen about these issues, through diffe

WOMEN IN POP CULTURE

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER BY popular culture throughout time. I wanted to put a twist
lar culture, our identities and social issues - Objectified from my point of view.
erent forms of art and more people able to express themselves and connect. 17

MATRIARCHY VS PATRIARCHY EROTICA

DIFFERENT reminders of omnipresent patriarchy are hidden in our everyday symbols. Man-made structures remind us of
aggressive power, and somber past. I’ve found a lot of postcards in Eastern Europe with photos of Stalinist buildings. Palaces
for crooked military meetings, business only for ‘men’. I mean only 8% of all world leaders are women, but women are 49.7% of
the population. When you look at the numbers, you see a systematic mistake that clearly shows there is no motive nor space for
women to input how to lead our societies. I feel its wrong to invest billions into nuclear missiles, and leave large parts of
your society neglected. Keeping communities in despair for their own profit. The balance is missing, yin and yang.

18

worship not waste

the contrast of the beauty of our nature, the tranquillity it gives us
for free to admire and cradle versus how we treat it by littering

oceans and leaving forests with plastic. i repeat religious
imagery, as looking at women's presence in our lives and

how humans in general are treated, as a way to
reflect the post-christian society ruled by men. 19

SHE GROWS

20

Even after irreversible harm humans
have caused to mother nature

through vast deforestation, it always
finds a way of revitalising itself and
the life around it. I remember reading
about Chernobyl as a child, learning
about the devastation it caused. But
thirty years later and it's thriving,
overgrowing over and through the
harsh concrete. Nature will always
dominate, but humans need to find a
way to achieve balance and intervene
with nature and start appreciating it.
We could start by establishing all
gender equality in political and
social lives so that the most crucial
decisions that affect our communities
aren’t taken by bribed, privileged,
greedy politicians. And i think, it
starts with forming equality between

women and men in everyday life
aspects, political and social.

21

MY FATHER AND MY COUNTRY

I was born in the summertime
When he saw me for the first time

He said with absolute certainty
Your beauty is not beauty here
Your hair is not a crown here 
Your love will never be given back here
 Your good will never be good enough here

CHELSEA MTADA

22

IN CONVERSATION WITH

I’m sitting opposite Poet, Producer & Creative Director Wonder Woman Chelsea Mtada. We’re comfortably placed in the
Black Cultural Archives. It’s somewhere Chelsea has described as her ‘writing home away from home’, and it feels perfect

for the conversation we’re about to unpack. 
While it's’ another unmercifuly rainy Saturday here in Brixton, Chelsea radiates a great amount of warmth and zeal. We

both sip on ginger beers through straws, (paper of course) and get to talking.
As a young adult, Chelsea has recently produced an intimate, honest and raw collection of poems called ‘Daughter’. The
poems explore themes of family, love & identity, drawing on her experiences of growing up and the trauma she has had

to navigate through.
Don’t let the gentle softness of her voice fool you; Chelsea Mtada is a fierce and powerful poet. I’m here with her today

to discuss what led her to make such compelling and important work, as wel as what it means to be a Black British
Woman and Artist in a country with dark roots.

As an artist, there are manyways creatives choose to express themselves andpresent their
work. What is it about the medium of poetry that speaks toyou?

I like poetry because it's an art form that doesn't have too many rules. I think it was Maya Angelou who said

“I’m told that poetry is obliged to be mystical, magical, musical and lyrical,”

and upon her saying those things, I’ve realised that it’s very easy to find poetry in lots of things around us, whether you're
looking at parables in the bible, sonnets by Shakespeare or songs that kids are singing in the playground; that’s all poetry.
It’s a very accessible art form;  it's something that can be spoken and understood by (almost) every single human being on

the planet, and that’s something I love about it. 

Your latest poetry collection, ‘Daughter’, is described as ‘A collection of poetry that
follows your journey from girl to woman’. What were some of the staples of growing up

that have influenced your writing?

Throughout my life, the main thing that has affected me is trauma;I’ve experienced a lot of it, in many different ways,
and that’s, unfortunately, been one of the key themes of my life. But it’s real, and I think a big part of ‘Daughter’ is that I
was exploring my experience as a daughter. I named it Daughter because, while it’s kind of morbid, I thought that if I die
today, or whenever the mood strikes the world, the thing above al else that would be written on my gravestone would be
‘Daughter’.
23

You have described your poetry as being an ‘arsenal for survival’, and have expressedhopes
that others who have experiencedtrauma can liberate themselves through collections such
as 'Daughter'. How do you use your art to help you move through your own experiences of

suffering?

As both a child and a young adult, when I’ve experienced difficulty, I’ve always beenone to hold it in. I’ve grown up with
family members who’ve gone through trauma but wil hold it in for the sake of the family, and unfortunately, I’ve learned

some of those habits too, like

holding in my pain so everyone else can feel comfortable in the room

I’ve gotten to a stage where I now know that you just can't do that. Because you will blow up. So in order to save myself
from that, I’ve made the choice to air it out. You have to air it out. Because a lot of those feelings don’t belong inside of
you, so I think it's incredibly important that, whatever it is, if it releases your pain, if it releases your shame and if it releases
that negativity and that hurt; do it. Take it from ni side of yourself as quickly as possible, because it doesn't belong there.  

Your piece, ‘ MyFather and My Country’ is a powerful comment on the conflicts of being
Black & British, can you speak more on this and what led you to create this poem?

This poem is definitely two sides of the coin; it's about my father and my relationship with him and my relationship with this
country. I have an estranged relationship with my father, and when I was writing this poem I was imagining what he would
have said when he first held me in his arms. It comes from a very angry and sad place when it comes to what I think my

father feels about me. And then my country; even though there is so much darkness in British Identity and the British Empire,
I stil feel a sense of pride  for it to make it a better place for those who come after me. Brti ain is a place where I want to

have children. Where I want to grow and settle.

This country is absolutely a racist country, there’s no way to get around it. But there’s a way
in which we do it,  we stir it in with our stew, you can't even taste it, it's a part of the DNA...

but this country belongs to me as much as it does to anybody else  

As well as the poem itself,you have createda short poetry film for ‘My Father and My
Country’ where you can be seen carrying  a Union Jack flag around London, what themes

were you addressing with this bold visual metaphor?

 I’ve never seen a black woman holding a British Flag. I’ve just never seen it. I started to think more deeply about how Britain
has been built on the plight of black and brown faces al over the world, and this is still a present fact in terms of the
makings of the empire. 

In the video, I walk around London carrying the flag, and I wanted it to feel heavy, because when I think about my identity as
a Black Woman living in Britain. It’s tiring, it’s exhausting. If I’m looking for a job, I have to edit everything, from my looks to

my behaviour, and It’s tiring to think of the way I’m perceived al the time. 

I walk up to Buckingham Palace in the video, and I'm looking at it, and I'm thinking to myself, ‘we literaly have nothing in
common’. And I really like that moment as it was at a time when Meghan Markle was being dragged by the British press and

had not been fully supported by the Royal Family. I thought, if that’s what family support looks like, I don’t want it.

I also stop at the Ozwald Boateng suit shop; an amazing Ghanaian tailor, and I see my reflection in the shop window. When
he first opened his store, people didn't want him there as a person of colour. He made the space his own when

24

no one wanted him there, and he absolutely belongs there. I look at my refel ction with pride because he excellently merges
his African and British identity in the clothes that he makes and I’ve always particularly loved his work.

At the end of the video, I decide to get rid of the British flag, throwing it on the ground, and the reason that the burden
does not belong to me. No one deserves to be dragging something so heavy, for the rest of their lives. It slows us down.

It’s not progressive.

I will take myBritish Identity with me but only in a way that suits me.

I don't want the rest. When it comes to micro aggression's I’m just not silent anymore.  But I keepa little piece of the flag in
my pocket because it is a part of me. Whatever happens in my life, I’ll always be proud of my story ni this country. It
hasn't been the best, but you learnand grow from that.

You have statedthat ‘as we move to the next decade, representation and inclusion are
incredibly crucial in all spaces,’ How do you think the art worldcan improve on sharing

more stories from minority voices and perspectives?

Publishing our work. That’s a start. Actualy actively looking for our work. Promotni g it. Doing what they do for everybody
else. It’s as simple as that. In fashion, often you can see creators using African Kente, but using white models, and they
then blackface those white models. Why don’t you just get a Bal ck Woman? There’s a weird sense that the media would
rather take the copied or watered-downversion instead of going to the people who’d like to

tel their own stories. I don’t understand what’s so appealing about the appropriated version of our culture. This is a
multicultural country for goodness sake, So let's see it. Let’s see our faces....

What would be your message to young aspiring creatives whoaren’t accustomed to seeing
their voices representedin mainstream media?

There’s nothing wrong with being the first.

Don't be afraid to be the first to do it.

I know it's scary. And even if you’re not the first, there's always room. There doesn’t have to be just that one black artist!
You just need to go for it. I hope to represent as many people as possible. The stories that I tel are written to my

experiences, but if I can reach as many people as possible with that then I’ll be so happy & proud. Whoever you are, if you
can connect to anything I say, I’m so happy and I can’t wait to have a conversation about it withyou.

Where will life take you next?

Well, I’m going to self publish ‘Daughter’ as a book, which I’m really excited about. I’ve given myself a deadline, so it’s going
to happen! It wil be twenty-something poems, published sometime this summer, and I just want it to be simple, readable
and impactful. I’ve gottento a place where I know that I need to let this part of my life go; I need to release it and move

25on. And I think the next part of my life is going to be a whole lot of fun. I’m excited for that one.

Battery Farmed

by Hazel Davis

26

You say, “shell of a man”
And I whisper,

“too much of one.”
Son, much like

father, barely
likes mothers.

She says husk of a man,
and I think about how a husk

is a seed.
I think about all the blood
In his blood, how
Blood on bandage wrapping hands is just

Blood on hands
,how

Cliques of dirtied teachers
 will never teach us how to clean them.

27

28

29

30

31

32

GETTING THAT BREAD

WHEN GETTING OUT OF BED IS A STRUGGLE

Understanding your mental health and internal Here’s a couple of ways in which you can show
boundaries is not something that comes compassion towards yourself, whether that be
naturally, it is a muscle that can be trained - but when you’re feeling down or a daily routine,
instead of doing pull-ups at the gym, we can keep these ideas in mind. Develop some
practice daily recognitions of self-love and healthy habits to help aid your mental health,
compassion towards ourselves. For many of us, and look after yourself. It can feel unnatural and
the concept of this can seem foreign and uncomfortable to take time out of our
unnecessary, but it has been proven to be a schedules solely for the purpose of our own
major key to good mental health and well being. happiness, but it’s such a valuable skill to learn,
and one we can pass to others.
There is a lot of conditioning around our self -
worth. Women must conform to certain societal UNPLUG
standards and not bend to external ideas of our
self-worth, no matter the consequential harm it One thing we all need to do from time to
may do to us. time is unplug from the real world, from the
toxic cycle of social media and the
Many young men are raised devastating reality of the news, and take
within the strict confines of time to reconnect with ourselves. Sometimes
their father's expectations it’s good to be alone, and as long as it
doesn’t tip into isolation, sitting with yourself
Toxic ideas such as 'boys shouldn't cry' and if and reconnecting to your body can be a
you’re having a tough day, month, or year, don’t healing experience. Whether it’s listening to
let anyone see. Be ‘strong’. Many of us are your favourite playlist, making a warming
realising how harmful these notions of strength drink or cooking up a meal you can get
are; for what is strength if you can’t admit when excited about. Blast music in your room and
you’re not okay. dance in your pyjamas, and if you don’t own
pyjamas, do it naked.
So what is self-love and what
does it entail?  Reconnect with things that make
you smile outside of social media.
It’s being able to appreciate yourself and have
regard for your own well being & happiness. It is If that feels like too much, a simple walk in
your right, as a human being, to feel okay. nature can actually do the most. Feeling
Recognising what you need and not sacrificing connected to the earth, with fresh air and a
that to please others. It sounds easy, but we all bit of greenery is healing & healthy. Even
do it. Whether it’s entertaining your toxic family though leaving the house can sometimes feel
beliefs, staying in an unhealthy relationship or terrifying, a ten-minute walk in the local park
throwing everything into a job that rewards you and a change of scenery can help to reset
with minimum wage and PTSD. We’ve got to the mind and calm the body down.
stop! Start thinking of yourself first, because no,
it’s not selfish, it’s healthy. 33

BODY & SOUL video is a great way to explore this practice. I
can suggest the apps; Calm, Headspace &
Mind and body are very much connected, a Let's Meditate.
theory that has only become concrete in
research over recent decades. Distracting and LAZY DAYS
pampering your body can be a great way to
stop you from spiralling into a dangerous mental There’s definitely a stigma attached to
space. One of my favourite things to do is to laziness; duvet days and comfort food, but I
run a hot bath, and if you don’t own one, ask a don’t see what’s wrong with treating yourself
friend if you can come over to spend some time occasionally to a day of doing whatever the
with theirs. Don’t underestimate the power of a fuck you want. Take. Your. Rest. There’s an
bath bomb or a face mask - and this goes for assumption hanging in the air that it’s not
men too - moisturisers, oils, and masks are there okay to do so, but I encourage you to throw
for you as well. Or if you can muster the energy, that notion out the window and remember
exercise can have a profoundly positive impact you should do what you feel you need. I’m not
on us, so challenge yourself to run instead of a ashamed to admit that I’ve spent full days in
walk around the park. It’s been proven that bed, eating chocolate and binging Netflix,
neurological pathways connect parts of the happy as a pig in shit. Sure, it’s great to be
brain that process emotions with our many parts productive and challenge depressive
of our body. This allows major life events, thoughts, but sometimes we need to hide
stressors, or emotions to trigger physical from the world and curl up with a hot water
symptoms. Fortunately, the reverse is true and bottle, hot chocolate and the entire box-set
we can use this connection to our advantage - of Skins.
when we look after our body, we are
simultaneously looking after our mind.

MINDFULNESS Shedding the skin of shame is a
liberating feeling and one I
Mindfulness: ‘A mental state achieved by
focusing one's awareness on the present encourage all of you to try. If
moment, while calmly acknowledging and it feels like what you need to
accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily do, chances are, you should do
sensations, used as a therapeutic technique’.
Something that has changed my life for the it - it’s as simple as that.
better is the act of mindfulness in my day to day
life. Now widely accessible through YouTube SAMARITANS
videos, free apps, and online practices, learning -
how to be present in the moment and pay
attention to thoughts and bodily sensations has 116 123
never been easier to learn. Having the ability to
calm down negative patterns by acknowledging
the root of the thought is kind of mind-blowing.
The practice of coming off auto-pilot, being
aware of your flow of thoughts and bodily
sensations, and changing your perception
through breathing techniques and visualisation is
so healing. It can be hard to master. It will take a
while to focus your attention within, so starting
with a guided meditation or online

34

"you owe
yourself
the love
that you so
freely give
to others"

35

36

Teresa is an up and coming illustrator
currently studying Interior Design at Brighton
University. She focuses her work on portraits and

her own fantasies.

Her recent drawings showcase the diversity of different
groups living in society and the issues that these people are
currently facing. Her piece, 'Legs & Cookies', shown on page
31, is a representation of all different types of people and how
we can differ from one another, but also find ways to relate

back to each other too.

Her work on page 30 brilliantly shines a light on the many
issues that people are facing in regard to race, sexuality.

gender, loneliness, homelessness, drugs, violence
and disability.

She says;
'We are all humans, and that is one of the most apparent
similarities of individuals. I wonder when people will start

to realise that we are not that different
from one other?

37

38

39

Words by Anonymous
Illustration by Olivia Tate

Title by Nicola May

TRIGGER WARNINGS:
THEMES DISCUSSING RAPE

40 (NOT GRAPHIC)

I’m A Survivor.
Not like the Destiny’s Child Song.
More like, I was raped, manipulated into a relationship with my abuser,
made to believe it was my fault, slut-shamed and dragged in court 2 years
later, and left with trauma so great that I lost myself for a long time.

I’m a victim
But more importantly

I’m a survivor.

Because my PTSD follows me everywhere I go.
A shadow behind me or the clunk of footsteps in

the street.
The echo of eager male voices

A certain song
A sex position
The spot between my rib-cage and my left hip
Yet I live on and I challenge that fear.

I’m a survivor.

Because the act of violence against me, so cruel and so destructive, made
me stronger and tougher and inevitably angrier.

And now I fight
Not with my fists but with my words.

Words like these.
I will help other victims and show them how they too are survivors. A
warrior. A goddess, or a god. I will be with them on their journey, from a

caterpillar to a butterfly, as they grow their wings
And fly away

From the shame and the blame and the guilt and the pain.

I didn’t realise I was raped for a long time
I was told it could only happen by strangers in alleyways to silly girls

with skirts too short
I was young and naive and looking for male validation wherever I could

4411

due to the internal scara of abandonment my father had left me with.

I didn’t realise that these men that I’d chosen to spend time with were
planning to take advantage of me. I didn’t know how dark their plans were.

I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know.

Years later, the lawyers attacking me told me,
with absolute clarity,

That because I didn’t run off screaming, it was my choice.
That because I stayed silent, bound in fear and worry, I had given consent.
Because I had a history of mental health problems, I probably made it up

Because I was clearly a slut, I was crying rape to save myself
from embarrassment

The courtroom was my battlefield and I fought with everything I had.
These comments that were spat at me so venomously and used as evidence
against me were allowed to pass so easily, the jury taking them in and the

judge listening carefully and the men and their families watching
so closely.

I thought

Surely this isn’t allowed?
To suggest I’m a mentally ill, delusional, slut.
To tear my character apart piece by piece and leave me a broken shell of a

woman at the end of it.

That was worse than the rape itself.

To have to try and prove my lack of consent. My truth.
My words

To be humiliated and disbelieved and looked down upon. In front of my
family. In front of their families.

To be so aggressively and repeatedly torn down by a system that is
supposed to bring justice.

42

I started to believe it.
I even questioned if I had made it all up.

If I was just an embarrassed slut.

It took so many years of therapy to unlearn what they had told me about
myself, and look the cold hard truth in the face that I was raped

That it was not my fault

That the shame was never, and will never be mine again

I’m a survivor.
For all of these reasons and more

And if you’re reading this
You know a survivor too
So many women know survivors yet so little men know rapists.
It is up to you too to call out toxic behaviour when you see it
To tell your friend that rape jokes aren’t funny
And to understand that the teen on porn-hub probably isn’t enjoying

being brutally fucked.

If you’re reading this

Maybe you’re a survivor yourself
And let me tell you, you will survive this.
It is painful, and it is ugly, and it is trauma at its darkest level.

But you will survive,
And one day,

You will thrive
And you will write your own words
And pass down your knowledge and offer your hand to help others
One day the world will be a better place
For now, We will be the better people.

I'm a survivor

And I will survive

SURVIVORS NETWORK 43
survivorsnetwork.org.uk
01273 293280

WORDS BY METTE

Title by Issy Raine

It’s the green dot in the bottom right corner of the screen. I’m tired of it, in all honesty. I don’t want
to be available all the time. I turned off read receipts about 6 months ago and have been revelling
in ignorance ever since. No one knows if I’ve opened the message, or if I’m online. I don’t care if

you’re typing, or if you find my comment “likeable”. It comes down to indulging in intentional
unawareness. I actively limit what I know. A year ago, if a friend opened my message and failed

to reply immediately, I would have been mortified, convinced they had ignored me, or worse:
ghosted me. Fast forward to today and quite frankly, if I don’t know, I won’t care. I think it’s
fascinating how “knowing” is the default. We have to navigate settings to “turn off” whether or not
we know someone else’s phone has received, opened, or is responding to a message. It’s
invasive and bizarrely intimate to have an insight into one another’s digital activity. It’s another

form
of surveillance, and one I’m keen to break free from.
There’s a constant expectation of presence and immediacy in social communication. We are
trying to forge conversation into a digital medium. It’s fake, it’s unreasonable, and it’s becoming a
source of discontent within the millennial generation. In reality, we engage in dialogue constantly,
we participate in meetings and telephone calls with our colleagues in real-time, we catch up with
old friends and chat up the hot barista who makes the cappuccino with “oat not soya”. The
problem is in supplementing these in-person conversations with constant and unrelenting
messages… the beeps whilst you wash your hair or the blip of an email the night you’re cooking
with the nice red wine. We are obsessed with talking to each other, in every capacity. This
nightmare permeates into dating, socialising, work-life, even food shopping. I’ll rue the day Tesco
stops giving me advice on my BBQ’d halloumi. I think noise is crucial here. Vibration often
accompanies the false sense of silence. Notifications are designed to tingle every sense, lights,
sound, touch… We need to take them as warnings.

WE NEED TO LEARN TO TURN IT OFF

44

And what is immediacy? It’s being reachable. It’s finding one another within minutes, it’s instant
messaging, it’s Instagram, it’s those three incessant dots jumping over one another time after time

after time. And we can’t ignore it! We yearn for it, we are desperate for instant responses and
speedy connection. And who can blame us? It’s useful. It means we can move forward and

progress quickly, especially professionally. There has been an overwhelming need for
convenience, in every sense of the word. It’s an addiction to the quick and the receptive. But is it

healthy? Should we take a moment to reflect before we react? Clearly, and unequivocally, we
need to take some time to ourselves.

How much time? An hour? A day? A full sleep cycle? Absolutely! There’s a reason your mum says
you should sleep on it. We are in a responsive epidemic, it’s financially fortuitous to reply quickly.
It’s falsely translated as reliability. We’re driving each other out of a job, competing with each other
to be number one; the more available you are, the more dependable you become to employers.

This is a driving force for burning out,

BY BEING CONSTANTLY "ON"LINE FOR OTHER PEOPLE,
WE FORGET WHAT IT MEANS TO PRIORITISE OURSELVES,

OUR WELL-BEING, AND OUR SENSE OF SELF-WORTH.

Initially, I considered this an issue that exists primarily in the professional realm but I have quickly
realised that this has leaked into our personal lives too. Quite often they bleed into one another -
favours for friends becomes a late-night Facebook message or a quick DM. This is where we have

to set professional boundaries. The creative industry lends itself to a community that moves
seamlessly between friendship and work. This becomes a culture of supporting one another and,
in turn, taking advantage of good nature. In the nicest way possible, good deeds need to become

exchanges. This nature of immediacy blurs into a transaction void of money. It falls back into
capitalism and it’s shifty, exploitative system.

I digress, of course, we are talking about exhaustion here, and I, for one, am tired of it. We must
move back to waiting. To taking our time. What are we rushing for? Who are we rushing for? The
climate emergency? The gradual (imminent) decline of the volatile political state? The crisis of our

collective well being? We need to instil boundaries, dividing lines. I can’t help but think of the
working day, Dolly’s 9-5. That precious 8-hour structure that constantly falls short in the freelance

world. We don’t clock in at 8:50 and lock the doors at 5pm. I am grateful when I see the honest
caveat at the bottom of those messages: “I check my emails periodically”, or, “I work part-time: I’ll

get back to you when I can”. We need that. We need to honour that. It’s foolishly unusual to
protect our boundaries, our quiet time, and we are paying for it.

This is permission to stop. To put your phone on airplane mode and to place your screen face
down. You don’t have to answer the question right now. You can wait. You can take the time to
breathe, to process it, to digest it. We must re-educate the chaotic world of communication in the
practice of patience, of not expecting lightning-fast responses all the time, and in turn respecting

those of us who need to check out, log out, and sleep on it.

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Thankyou

A massive thank you to everyone who is reading
this and has brought this zine.

a lot of hard work has gone into making this and it
wouldn't be possible without support from people

such as yourself!

i also want to take a moment to give a special thank you to:

lewis - for the proof reading and patience
chloe -for helping me get through my trauma
viral - for the reason i started this project
mum - for holding me, and always having my back
zoe - for buying me my first zine and inspiring me
dandi - the idea generator; for all the second opinions

to all the contributers
thank you for being part of the start

of something really special

Follow The Journey

@toughcookiemag