Arthur Skids Chronciles of Being A Kid : Volume 1 - Facts Kids Need to Know

Arthur Skid’s

Chronicles of Being a Kid

Volume 1:
Facts Kids NEED to Know!

Written & Created by Martin Kirkham

Illustrated by Roxanne Knott

Arthur Skid’sChronicles of Being a Kid

Volume 1:

Facts Kids NEED to Know!

Written & Created by Martin Kirkham

Meet the Skiddies

Martha Skid (Mum) Colin Skid (Dad)

Arhur Skid (Story Teller)

Timmy Skid (Baby) Geraldine Skid (Granny) Sally Skid
(Big Sister)

Sid Skid (Little Brother) Lollipop the Cat Spud the Dog
(Hates ALL Humans)

Dedication—The original Skiddies

Dedicated to my inspiration for everything in life:
Jennifer, Joseph & Ben.

Only you know some of the real life inspiration behind these facts……

Copyright © 2021 Victoria House Publications
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,
electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval
system, without written permission from the author.
For information contact [email protected]
Printed in United Kingdom
ISBN: 978-1-8384382-0-3
Illustrations by Roxanne Knott
Edited by Brooke Vitale
Formatted by Pin Media Limited

Introducing Arthur Skiddies

When I was just a little kid, I wasn’t very wise,
But then I learnt some lessons, and they opened up my eyes.
But first things first, just who am I? Why, my name’s Arthur Skid,

I’ll share with you my chronicles of life as a young kid.
So, stick with me, I’ll be your guide, together we’ll get through,
Those things in life that may go wrong; I swear I’m here for you.

So, let’s begin, pin back your ears, and I’ll take it real slow,
In volume one, I’ll take you through, the facts kids need to know.

Fact 1: Little Brothers Are Spies in Disguise

At first your brother cannot talk, he can’t get you in trouble,
But someday soon he’ll start to speak, I hate to burst your bubble.

That squidgy little clumsy boy, just wants to be my clone,
He’s now my shadow everyday—he won’t leave me alone!
One time I threw Sid way too high; he hit the ground and cried.
I tried to tell my mum he fell, but Sid just said, “Me flied.”
“Arthur made Sid go zoom-zoom,” and “Sid went up so high!”
He’s not a baby anymore, he’s now my Mum’s best spy!



Fact 2: Bogies Are Not Snacks!

Your bogies are so soft and warm, a most delicious treat—
When freshly rolled up in a ball and ready to just eat.
Before you do, I have a fact, and this may be a shock:
Your treat is full of nasty germs, just like a smelly sock.

So, when you’re feeling peckish, and the next time that you pick,
Don’t nibble on your bogies, but instead give them a flick.

But if you do, then please make sure, you flick it into space . . .
My sister Sally gets so cross when bogies hit her face!



Fact 3 : Underwear Elastic Is
Not That Strong

When looking for a slingshot, to shoot rocks in the air,
I’d stay away from testing out your mum’s best underwear.
I wish I’d known before I tried, effects can be quite drastic.
When someone puts on underwear with very weak elastic.
One day, my mum popped on a pair, then trundled to the store.
Her underwear went baggy and fell right down to the floor!
I looked at her, she looked at me—then I made my retreat.
She couldn’t quite keep up with me with pants around her feet!



Fact 4: Cats Make Terrible Babies

Here’s a fact you ought to know: please, DON’T dress up your cat.
They don’t like little baby clothes and hate a fluffy hat.

Sid dressed up poor old Lollipop—a game she really loathes,
With no hole for her furry tail to pop through all the clothes.
Keep up your guard, don’t turn your back on babies that can purr;
They’ll strike you quick, with claws of doom—like ninjas dressed in fur.

And if you have a pet cat that you really want to dress,
Just pop a pair of mittens on—avoid all the distress.



Fact 5: You WON’T Fit Through Railings

Take good care when you’re at the park, please do, learn from my failings,
You’ll never fit your head and body through those little railings.

If you get wedged between the bars, you’ll need much more than luck,
As once you slide through past your ears, you’re well and truly stuck.
Mum yanked me hard by both my legs, and then I heard her mutter:

“Now then, Arthur, do not move, and I’ll go fetch some butter.”
As all the children gathered round, to watch Mum prize me free,

It felt like I was in a zoo, and I’m the chimpanzee.



Fact 6: You’re NEVER nearly there yet!

Here’s a lie all parents tell that really bothers me:
It happens on a road trip when you really need a wee.

 
You ask them “Are we there yet? Please, I can’t hold it much more.”

But their reply is just a lie: “Three minutes, maybe four.”
 

Each second feels like hours, as the urge begins to grow.
You clench your fist and close your eyes, to try and stop the flow.

 
But I will say, I found a way, to make your parents sweat,
Say out loud, “that’s better, Mum, but now my seat’s all wet.”



Fact 7: You Cannot Stick Hair
Back on with Glue.

Now then, friends, please learn from me, and do yourself a favour.
Resist the urge to mess around with Daddy’s brand-new shaver.
I never meant to hit the switch; my mum was so appalled.
One quick buzz was all it took to turn poor Timmy bald!
That day I learnt a lesson that is very sad, but true.
You cannot stick a baby’s hair back on with super glue.
When it was done, the final look was worse than I had feared.
As hair fell from his tiny head, it made a tiny beard!



Fact 8: Babies Cannot Be
Trusted in the Bath

This one is important, please, you need to understand:
Bath time with your baby brother really should be banned.
If you play together, then you must not make him laugh.
If he chuckles too hard then he might poop in the bath!
A stinky little submarine that creeps out through the bubbles
Will only make him laugh some more—and then the poop count doubles.
Be on your guard, expect the worst, and always live in hope,
That by mistake you don’t grab poop, instead of grabbing soap.



Fact 9: It’s Easy to Blame Farts on the Dog

If like me, you like to toot, when no one is close by—
The kind of toots that fill a room and make a baby cry.
Then just let go, relax your butt, and let that trumpet blow.
Then walk away and blame the dog; no one will ever know.

To make it more believable, I’ve got one final tip:
Hold your nose and say out loud, ‘’I think the dog’s let Rip!”

If the dog is not around, then blame the cat, or maybe,
Wait until its changing time and blame it on the baby!



Fact 10: Eating 100 Carrots Does Not
Give You Night Vision

Parents want the best for us, but sometimes tell us lies.
Like if we eat our carrots, we’ll have super-powered eyes.
One day I put this to the test, fed them to Sid all night.

Banking on the super veg to give him super-sight.
I had a plan to creep downstairs, Sid’s orange eyes aglow—
To raid the fridge of all its food; my folks would never know!
I didn’t know the side effect, he looked like a baked bean.
No super-sight but orange skin, half boy, half tangerine.



Fact 11 : Grannies Never Say “No”!

You should know about one fact that grandkids can abuse:
When your parents tell you no, your grandma won’t refuse.
You want some sweets? Of course, you can! In fact, just take them all.
At grandma’s house there are no rules, we really have a ball.

I built a secret code one day with Grandma Geraldine,
So, mum cannot detect our plans and what we really mean.
The next time that your mum says no, you know just what to do.
Never fear, now dry your tears—your grandma’s there for you.



Fact 12: You Can’t Ride a Dog!

Now here is something that I learnt that fills me with remorse:
You cannot let your brother ride your pet dog like a horse.
We made a saddle for his back and tied it on with string.
We didn’t know the chaos and destruction it would bring.
On Sid got, upon Spud’s back, with no fear in his eyes.
But as he shot off down the road, I heard Sid’s distant cries.
“Make Spud stop! I can’t hold on!” I chased him in a rush!

I found him hanging upside down inside the neighbour’s bush.



Fact 13: You Shouldn’t Spin
a Freshly Fed Baby

Timmy loves to spin and bounce, but please, for goodness’ sake:
After milk, let babies rest, and don’t make my mistake.

If you spin them fast and hard just after they’ve been fed,
Expect a gush of warmish milk to land right on your head.
It’s like a shaken can of drink, where pressure builds up fast.

Once it starts to bubble out, you can’t escape its blast.
As warm milk runs right down your face, just keep yourself together.

You cannot take a baby back. You’re stuck with him forever!



Congratulations, You’re Now
an Honorary Skiddy

I hope I got to you in time, so you can learn from me.
I hope you find that as you read, the truth will set you free.
My lessons are not at an end, you must join me once more.
We’ve only just begun my friends, there’s so much to explore.
Until we meet again, my friends, were now a band of kiddies.

Exclusive members of a club I like to call my “Skiddies.”
So, raise your hand, repeat these words, “We all can make it through,”

But for now, I’ll say goodbye, stay tuned for volume two!



Martha Skid (Mum) Colin Skid (Dad)

Arhur Skid (Story Teller)

Timmy Skid (Baby)

Geraldine Skid (Granny) Sally Skid
(Big Sister)

Sid Skid (Little Brother) Lollipop the Cat Spud the Dog
(Hates ALL Humans)

Arthur Skid’sChronicles of Being a Kid

Volume 1:

Facts Kids NEED to Know!

Written & Created by Martin Kirkham

Arthur Skid’sChronicles of Being a Kid

Volume 1:
Facts Kids NEED to Know!

When I was just a little kid, I wasn’t
very wise,

But then I learnt some lessons, and
they opened up my eyes.

But first things first, just who am I?
Why, my name’s Arthur Skid,

I’ll share with you my chronicles of
life as a young kid.

Arthur Skid has learned some things
the hard way. The REALLY hard
way. Now, he's ready to share his
lessons with you. So sit back, relax,
and get ready to learn from the
Arthur and the Skid family!

www.martinkirkham.com