The 7 habits of highly effective people personal workbook ( PDFDrive )

What good are directions if they aren’t in some kind of order? Take a look at the
steps in your list and prioritize them to the best of your ability. Which things
must come before others? Which ones can wait until farther down the road?
Take an inventory of what’s there and give it a whirl.

GET IT TOGETHER!

Now it’s time to bring it all together. On the opposite page you’ll see a goal-
planning tool. In the section marked Long-Term Goal (What), write the name of
the goal you selected for the “how” game. In the space marked Deadline
(When), write the deadline you selected. In the section Importance to
Mission/Roles (Why), summarize your “why” responses. In the section Steps
(How), list the goal steps in the order you prioritized them. And finally, in the
Deadlines (When) column to the right, try to give each step a potential deadline.

GOAL PLANNING

Now it’s up to you! With the what, why, how, and when identified for your goal,
you’re on your way to success. You can use this same process with all of your
goals. Since you’ve broken your goal into steps, you can now schedule those
steps into your week, your day, and even the present moment. What can you get
done today, tomorrow, or next week that will bring you that much closer to your
final destination? See if you can project a bit and schedule just the first three
steps on your list into your planning system. The rest will come later. Then go
for it! Move ahead each day with the vision of that goal in mind and keep
pressing forward.

HABIT 3

PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST®


Before you begin this section of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Personal Workbook, read pages 145–182 in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective

People.

HABIT 3: PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST

Each day has its own purpose and fits into the great plan of our lives.
This very moment carries traces of our life purpose in places where we
focus our attention, in words or ideas that bring a tingle of excitement
and hope in our heart.

—CAROL ADRIENNE

IN ORDER TO LIVE a more balanced life, you have to recognize that not doing
everything that comes along is okay. There’s no need to over-extend yourself
anymore. All it takes is realizing that it’s all right to say no when necessary and
then focus on your highest priorities. But before you can move ahead, you need
to become clear about who you are and what you really want.

Habit 1 says, “You’re in charge. You’re the creator.” Being proactive is about
choice. Habit 2 is the first, or mental, creation. Beginning with the end in mind is
about vision. Habit 3 is the second creation, the physical creation. This habit is
where Habits 1 and 2 come together. It’s day-in and day-out, moment-by-
moment, doing it. It deals with many of the questions addressed in the field of
time management. But that’s not all it’s about. Habit 3 is about life management
as well—your purpose, values, roles, and priorities.

FIRST THINGS?

What are “first things”? First things are those things you, personally, find most
worth doing. If you put first things first, you are organizing and managing time
and events according to the personal priorities you established in Habit 2.

The successful person has the habit of doing things failures don’t like to
do. They don’t like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking is
subordinated to the strength of their purpose.

—ALBERT E. N. GRAY

Basically, we spend our time in one of four ways, as illustrated in the Time
Matrix™ below. This matrix defines activities as “urgent” or “not urgent,” and
“important” or “not important.” Let’s see where you spend most of your time.

THE TIME MATRIX QUICK ASSESSMENT

This tool is designed to give you a quick estimate of the relative amount of time
and energy you spend in each of the quadrants of the Time Matrix. Circle your
response from 1 to 6 to each of the eight questions on the next page.

SCORING

Instructions:

1. Circle your response 1–6 to each of the eight questions on the previous
page.

2. For each quadrant, add your responses for the questions indicated.
3. Fill in the area in each quadrant up to the number that corresponds to the

total.

Highly effective people do not really manage time—they manage themselves.
While most of the world spins around in Quadrant I, reacting to urgent matters
and managing one crisis after another, people who spend a majority of their time
in Quadrant II are leading balanced, serene, and ordered lives. They are planning
and executing according to their highest priorities.

Highly effective people are able to manage themselves so well in relation to
the precious resource of time because they live the 7 Habits, which are Quadrant
II activities. Everyone deals with fundamentally important things that, if done on
a regular basis, would make a profound difference in the quality of their lives.

THE 7 HABITS— QUADRANT II ACTIVITIES

Habit 1: Be Proactive®. Quadrant II has to be acted upon proactively, as
opposed to Quadrants I and III, which are reacted to. In Quadrant II, individuals
realize, “I am not a product of limited time; rather I am a product of my chosen
responses to circumstances.”

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind®. Another Quadrant II activity is to take
the time and initiative to develop a mission statement based on principles. A
good mission statement is the key that effective people use to discern which
things are important—which things are really worth acting upon. People who
spend most of their time in Quadrants I and III begin with no particular objective

in mind, sailing through life with no map, no compass, and limited vision.
Habit 3: Put First Things First®. Habit 3 is the essence of Quadrant II—

putting first those things that are important and in line with one’s mission
statement. This habit represents the process of completing tasks according to
one’s highest priorities. People who spend their time in Quadrants I and III put
second things first, reacting to pressing, popular, pleasant, and proximate things.

Habit 4: Think Win-Win®. Forming Win-Win agreements is also a Quadrant
II activity. Not only does it take real effort, it also requires good communication
skills and a high trust level. Quadrants III and IV may lead to just the opposite:
Win-Lose or Lose-Win.

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood®. People with a
Quadrant I mind-set want to do only the expedient thing—to be understood. This
mind-set inevitably leads to conflict and a breakdown of communication. On the
other hand, those with a Quadrant II mind-set subordinate their desire to be
heard in order to first understand. Understanding requires perceptive observation
and empathic listening, and is the essence of effective communication—a
Quadrant II activity.

Habit 6: Synergize®. In Quadrant I, people function independently of others.
They resist input from others, and their focus is on efficiency—getting the job
done while minimizing conflict. The result is usually an inferior product or a
mediocre service. Conversely, a person with a Quadrant II mind-set actively
seeks feedback from people who see things differently from how he or she does,
resulting in a better solution or a higher-quality product or service.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw®. Since the habit of self-renewal is not urgent and
takes time, most people neglect it. Taking time to Sharpen the Saw is a
fundamental Quadrant II activity that affects all the other habits. Spending time
on personal development, prevention, relationship building, and planning are
examples of Quadrant II activities, and require action.

MY PRIORITIES AND HOW I SPEND MY TIME

Review your mission statement, roles and goals, and current weekly plan. What
are your top three priorities for this week? These are your Quadrant II activities.
Write them below.

During the next week, keep track of how you are spending your time. In the
Time Matrix above, write the activities that belong in each quadrant.


Did you meet your Quadrant II priorities? If not, why not?






In the space below, decide on a plan for how you will better meet those Quadrant
II priorities next week. Write your plan in your chosen planning tool and
schedule any appropriate tasks and appointments.







PURPOSE

So, now you know where you are spending most of your time. Are you
interested in raising the bar? Are you interested in pulling yourself out of
Quadrants I, III, and IV and into Quadrant II? Let’s figure out how you can do
that.

Sometimes in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest
journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself.

—KATHERINE SHARP

Where is your journey taking you? What little issues are blocking your energy?
What is your purpose? Take a few minutes to write down your thoughts about
where you are in your journey.






Don’t feel as if you are out of the ordinary if you struggle with this. Many
people do. Many times, thinking about what your “first things” are can help
move you along the path. Keeping your first things in mind, respond to the
following questions:

1. Do you really want to pursue and follow your purpose? If so, why? If not,
why not?






2. What is and isn’t working in your life?






3. What do you want to change about your life?

4. Before you become overwhelmed, list some small changes you can make

right now instead of trying to take on everything at once.





5. Now that you’ve written down some of the “right now” things you can do,

create several realistic, long-term goals and strategies that will move you
forward on your journey. You may want to refer back to your goals from
Habit 2.






6. How are you going to hold yourself accountable for following through on

your goals and strategies?





Remember to listen to your inner voice to guide you along the path. Forget about
what others think of your desire to change. Believe that anything is possible
when you’re “on purpose.” Realize that everything happens for a reason when it
is supposed to happen, but it’s up to you to make it or break it!

VALUES

When you were answering the questions about your purpose, did you find that
some of your values cropped up? That’s not surprising when you consider that
your purpose is, in some ways, driven by your values. Time and life

management (fourth-generation time management) recognizes that people are
more important than things. It helps give direction and purpose to the way you
spend each day. Do you live what you believe?

You are a disciple, a follower, of your own deep values and their source.
And you have the will, the integrity, to subordinate your feelings, your
impulses, your moods to those values.

—STEPHEN R. COVEY

Answer the following questions and explore any recurring themes.
1. What do you want to contribute?




2. What interests you most?





3. What do you feel passionate about?





4. What is important to you?





5. What do you want to accomplish?

6. What do you believe in?




7. What is your potential?




8. What do you stand for?





9. What values are most important to you?







Are you beginning to get a feel for where you stand, what you value, and what
your purpose is? It’s never easy to take a good, hard look at one’s life. Believing
in something makes it possible. It doesn’t necessarily make it easy. Going
through this process will help you have a clear knowledge and understanding of
what your highest priorities really are. The next step is to look at the roles you
play and how you can balance them all.

ROLES

There comes a point in many people’s lives when they can no longer
play the role they have chosen for themselves. When that happens, we
are like actors finding that someone has changed the play.

—BRIAN MOORE

In Habit 2, you listed the roles you play each day. How do your roles tie in with
Habit 3 and your first things? With your purpose and values? As you plan your
week using your chosen planning tool, be sure you schedule activities in each
key role.

Make a list of your key roles and jot down an activity you will schedule in
the coming week for each of them. Remember, you may not have a specific task
or appointment assigned for each role. You may list something such as “Be a
better listener” under your role as parent. The key question is, “What is the most
important thing you can do in this role this week?”
1.




2.




3.




4.




5.




6.




7.

Now transfer what you’ve written to your Weekly Compass® if you’re using a
Franklin Planning System, or to an appropriate place in another planning tool.

PRIORITIES

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your
priorities.

—STEPHEN R. COVEY

Scheduling your life around your highest priorities may seem daunting. In
reality, it’s a simple, clear process that will move you forward on your journey
—if you are clear about your priorities first!

What are your top five priorities? List them below.


1.
2.
3.
4.
5.


Is it realistic to think you can accomplish all five of the priorities you listed
above? Have you thought about delegating anything?

Some people think of delegation as giving up control or admitting you “can’t
do it all.” Well, so what if you can’t do it all? The reality is that no one can do it
all with excellence all of the time. Delegating to qualified others frees you up to
put your energy into the things that are truly your highest priorities.

Look back at the list of your five highest priorities. Take a few minutes to
really think about them and then prioritize them in order of importance. Write
the list again below.


1.
2.
3.
4.
5.


Now look at your fourth and fifth priorities. Decide how you could delegate at

least a small part of each to someone else so that those things continue to move
forward with minimal effort on your part. Write your plan below.






Is there anything in the first three that could be delegated as well? Record it
below.







Effectively delegating to others is perhaps the single most powerful
high-leverage activity there is.

—STEPHEN R. COVEY

TRUST

Did you just go through the last exercise thinking there’s no one you can trust to
do those things? You may think it’s faster and easier to do it yourself, but does
that allow others to grow and develop?

It takes time and patience to develop trust in others. If you are striving toward
“stewardship delegation” rather than “gofer delegation,” then everyone involved
wins. Invest the time teaching, training, and exercising patience now, and the
end result will be more time saved in the long run.

Refer back to the things you chose to delegate to someone else. What kind of
delegation did you assign—stewardship or gofer?






Now look at your list from the perspective of stewardship delegation. Begin
building trust by offering opportunities for growth. What changes will you make
to your delegation? Record the changes below and then move forward on them.

WEEKLY PLANNING

So far, you’ve figured out your purpose, values, roles, and first things. How are
you going to make sure your first things really are first and stay first? The best
way we’ve found is through weekly planning.

There are many different tools you can choose to use for your personal
planning system. At FranklinCovey, we realize you have many options— paper-
based, handheld, and desktop, to name a few.

Your chosen tool should help you keep balance in your life by helping you
identify your roles and priorities. You need a tool that will help you focus not
only daily, which is a great thing, but weekly as well.

Organizing weekly helps keep you in the fourth generation of time and life
management. It provides a larger context than simple daily planning. Truly
scheduling your priorities can best be done from a weekly perspective.

As you move forward in keeping your first things first, commit to investing
from twenty to thirty minutes a week in weekly planning. Follow these steps as
you plan:

1. Write down your key roles.
2. Select one or two of your highest priorities to focus on this week.
3. Look at the week and schedule your tasks and appointments.
4. Adapt daily, using A, B, C, 1, 2, 3 prioritization.

PART THREE

PUBLIC VICTORY ®

Before you begin this section of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective
People Personal Workbook, read pages 185–203 in The 7 Habits

of Highly Effective People.

LET’S TAKE INVENTORY


TAKE A LOOK BACK FOR A MOMENT and survey the terrain you’ve traveled so far.
Remember that the seven Habits are based on a process called the inside-out
approach. The first three habits concentrate on the “inside” portion of this
process. So, in other words, you’ve been thinking only about yourself up until
this point. And hasn’t it felt good? You’ve been building and improving your
relationship with yourself—your own character.

Habits 1, 2, and 3 have increased your self-respect and self-discipline, and
have led you to a Private Victory of independence. Instead of feeling victimized
and immobile, focusing on the weaknesses of other people and circumstances
you believe are responsible for your current situation, you instead consciously
choose to focus on your highest priorities and values— envisioning how you can
best lead your life around those priorities and formulating a plan to execute on
those priorities. Simply put, self-mastery is the foundation of good relationships
with others. You can’t be successful with other people if you haven’t paid the
price of success with yourself. Now, that’s a paradigm shift!

After experiencing your Private Victory, Habits 4, 5, and 6 will lead you to a
Public Victory of interdependence, where you will be capable of building rich,
enduring, highly productive relationships with other people. It’s now time to
concentrate on the “out” of inside out.

EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT ®

Before you move on to Habits 4, 5, and 6, we’d like to introduce you to a
powerful metaphor that effectively describes relationships. It’s called the
Emotional Bank Account.

The Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust
you build up in a relationship. Much like a financial bank account, deposits are
made and withdrawals are taken from an Emotional Bank Account. When you
do something positive for another person, it can be a major deposit for that
person. Deposits build a reserve of goodwill and trust. On the other hand, when
you do something negative toward another person, you make a withdrawal.
When withdrawals exceed deposits, the account is overdrawn and the level of
trust deteriorates. With your relationships, it’s vital that you make continual
deposits in order to sustain a high level of trust. The following are common
emotional deposits and withdrawals:

TWO KEYS TO MAKING DEPOSITS

Just as the body needs food frequently and consistently to stay healthy,
relationships need the same nourishment as well. The closer the relationship, the
more frequent and consistent the deposits need to be.

You simply don’t know what constitutes a deposit until you understand the
other person. For some, receiving feedback and comments on things they’ve
done is a deposit. For others, it’s a withdrawal. If your motives for making a
deposit are not sincere, others will feel manipulated. It’s not about doing or
saying things that look positive. Your intentions can be good, but only the
person you are interacting with can decide whether your gesture is a deposit or a
withdrawal.

ARE YOU IN THE RED WITH RELATIONSHIPS?

It’s time for an Emotional Bank Account evaluation. Choose two relationships

you would like to improve and use the tool shown on the preceding page to
determine whether you have a positive or negative trust balance with those
people.

Use the Emotional Bank Account Log on the following pages to record your
actions and words with each person over the next week.

Remember: This is not a scorecard, only a method to help you gain an
awareness of your deposits and withdrawals.



HABIT 4

THINK WIN-WIN®


Before you begin this section of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Personal Workbook, read pages 204–234 in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective

People.

HABIT 4: THINK WIN-WIN



A person’s true character is revealed by what he does when no one else
is watching.

—UNKNOWN


IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE, effectiveness is largely achieved through the cooperative
efforts of two or more people. Marriages and other partnerships are
interdependent realities, and yet people often approach these relationships with
an independent mentality, which is like trying to play golf with a tennis racket—
the equipment isn’t suited to the sport.

Most of us learn to base our self-worth on comparisons and competition. We
think about succeeding in terms of someone else failing—that is, if I win, you
lose; or if you win, I lose. Life is a zero-sum game. There is only so much pie,
and if you get a big piece, there is less for me.

Win-Win sees life as a cooperative arena, not a competitive one. Win-Win is
a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human
interactions. Win-Win means agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial
and satisfying.

Character is the foundation of Win-Win. A person or organization of any type
that approaches conflicts with a Win-Win attitude possesses three character
traits:

1. Integrity: conforming to your true feelings, values, and commitments.
2. Maturity: expressing your ideas and feelings with courage and

consideration for the ideas and feelings of others.
3. Abundance Mentality: believing there is plenty for everyone.

DEVELOPING A WIN-WIN PARADIGM

Many people think in terms of either/or: either you’re nice or you’re tough.
However, Win-Win requires that you be both. To go for Win-Win, you not only
have to be empathic, you have to be confident. You not only have to be
considerate and sensitive, you have to be brave. To do that—to achieve that
balance between courage and consideration—is the essence of real maturity and
is fundamental to Win-Win.

If you’re high on courage and low on consideration, how will you think?
Win-Lose. You’ll be strong and ego-bound. You’ll have the courage of your
convictions, but you won’t be very considerate of others. You’ll borrow strength
from your position and power, or from your credentials, your role, your
seniority, or your affiliations.

If you’re high on consideration and low on courage, you’ll think Lose-Win.
You’ll be so considerate of others’ feelings that you won’t have the courage to
express your own.

High courage and consideration are both essential to Win-Win. It’s the
balance of the two that is the mark of real maturity. If you have it, you can listen
and you can empathically understand, but you can also courageously confront.

Choose two of your most important relationships for an evaluation of your
ability to apply the Win-Win approach. Evaluate each relationship on your
balance between courage and consideration. For example, if you consider
yourself low on courage but high on consideration, place an X in the
corresponding quadrant, and so on.

Now determine if you are out of balance in either of the relationships.
Consider the elements of a Win-Win character: maturity and courage balanced
with consideration and integrity. Next, decide what you might do to improve the
situation and record your decision in the “Action needed” spaces below.

CHANGING PLACES

From the previous exercise, select one relationship for which you want to
develop a Win-Win Agreement, and follow these steps:
Put yourself in the other person’s place and write down explicitly how you think
that person understands the situation.






From your own perspective, write the result that would constitute a win for you.






Approach the other person and ask if he or she would be willing to communicate
until you both reach a point of agreement and a mutually beneficial solution.

KEY POINTS IN DEVELOPING WIN-WIN RELATIONSHIPS

Win-Win cultivates an Abundance Mentality: “We can find options that
will be acceptable for everyone. There is always enough for everyone.”

Win-Lose cultivates a Scarcity Mentality: “My way is the only acceptable
way. There’s only so much, so I’d better get mine first.”
A Win-Win approach embodies courage to create an outcome that results in
a win for you and for others. You must be willing to be completely honest
and frank. Tell the other person precisely how you see the situation. Be
willing to listen and to respect the other person’s point of view.
A Win-Win outcome requires trust. When you work for a Win-Win
outcome, you seek mutual benefit.
You can bring the Win-Win attitude to the table.
Teams flourish when you have a Win-Win attitude because Win-Win
cultivates interdependent relationships.
When you use a Win-Win approach, you are not always nice, nor is it a
manipulation technique.
A Win-Win outcome is not always possible.

People who engage in Win-Win relationships do the following:

Look for the good in other people.
Communicate clear expectations.
Seek others’ ideas and listen with empathy.
Are accurate, timely, and honest in communication.
Treat people with respect and respond to the needs of others.
Focus on the positive, but provide constructive feedback on improvement
areas.

WIN-WIN OPPORTUNITY QUESTIONS

The questions below will help you get started toward setting up a Win-Win
Agreement around a specific situation or relationship.

THE WIN-WIN AGREEMENT

A Win-Win Agreement is an effective tool for establishing the Win-Win
foundation necessary for long-term effectiveness. It may be created between any
two people who need to interact to accomplish desired results. In a Win-Win
Agreement, the following five elements are made explicit:

Desired results: What does your final outcome look like?
Guidelines: What are the ground rules, the “shoulds” and “should nots”?
Resources: What is it going to take? What resources are available?
Accountability: Who will do what by when?
Consequences: What happens when we are finished?

Refer to Stephen R. Covey’s story beginning at the bottom of page 174 in The 7
Habits of Highly Effective People. In the space below, determine where the five
elements of their Win-Win agreement occur.
Desired results:

Guidelines:




Resources:




Accountability:




Consequences:






Desired results: “Look, son,” I said. “See how our neighbor’s yard is
green and clean?”

Resources: “I’d turn on the sprinklers.”
Guidelines: “Now let’s talk about ‘clean,’ son.”
Accountability: “That’s right. Twice a week…”
Consequences: So I did.

TAKING THE NEXT STEP

Make a commitment to practice a Win-Win approach in a specific area of your
life. Use the table below to get started, or customize one to suit your needs.

Now that you’ve determined the nature of your Win-Win, work through
the elements in the table below to put your plan into action. Use the first
column to check off each element as it is completed.

People who continually practice a Win-Win approach cultivate high-
trust relationships. Why? Because they are treating others as they would
like to be treated. Use the following checklist to see how you are doing
with your relationships. Check the items you do more than 90 percent of
the time.

As you work on your Win-Win attitude, you will discover a remarkable
thing: personal relationships will become easier! You will find that you
are less territorial and dogmatic. When you have confidence in your own
abilities and believe that there is enough for everyone, you are less
fixated on getting your way all the time.

What do we live for, if not to make life less difficult for each other?

—GEORGE ELIOT

HABIT 5

SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE
UNDERSTOOD


Before you begin this section of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Personal Workbook, read pages 236–259 in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective

People.



HABIT 5: SEEK FIRST
TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD

Although the tongue weighs very little, few people are able to hold it.
—UNKNOWN


COMMUNICATION IS the most important skill in life. Consider this: You’ve spent
years learning how to read and write, and years learning how to speak. But what
about listening? What training have you had that enables you to listen so you
really, deeply understand another human being from that individual’s frame of
reference?

Seek first to understand, or Diagnose Before You Prescribe™, is a correct
principle manifest in many areas of life. A wise doctor will diagnose before
writing a prescription. The compassionate parent pauses to listen before handing
out discipline that may be unwarranted. Similarly, an effective communicator
will first seek to understand another’s views before seeking to be understood.
Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological
survival—to be affirmed, to be appreciated, and to be understood.

HEY, ARE YOU LISTENING?

On a scale of 1 to 4, how do you think the following people would rate your
listening skills?

If you’re like most people, you probably seek first to be understood. It’s just part
of human nature—you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may
ignore the other person completely, pretend you’re listening, selectively hear
only certain parts of the conversation, or attentively focus on only the words
being said but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen? Well,
because most people listen with the intent to reply and not to understand. You
listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the
questions you are going to ask, etc. One of the main reasons for this is that you
filter everything you hear through your own autobiography— your life
experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your
autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide
prematurely what the other person means before he or she finishes
communicating. Do any of the following sound familiar?

“Oh, I know just how you feel. I felt the same way.”
“I had that same thing happen to me.”
“Let me tell you what I did in a similar situation.”

Think of a time when someone didn’t listen to you before prescribing an answer.
How did you feel?






When do you most often fail to listen to others? Why?







AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL RESPONSES— IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU

You might be saying, “Hey, now, wait a minute. I’m just trying to relate to the
person by drawing on my own experiences. Is that so bad?” You may have very
sincere desires, but true listening means that you forget about yourself and
concentrate all your energies on being with the other person in real time. This is
called empathic listening, and we’ll talk more about it later. Now, be patient.

We’re trying to help you with a paradigm shift here! Because you so often listen
autobiographically, you tend to respond in one of four ways:

Evaluate: You either agree or disagree.

Probe: You ask questions from your own frame of reference

Advise: You give counsel and solutions to problems based on your own
experiences.

Interpret: You try to figure people out—explain their motives and behavior—
based on your own motives and behavior.

The following example shows how four different friends respond to Joyce’s
statement about an idea she had for a family vacation. Circle the
autobiographical response that is best represented in each conversation*:

Joyce: My family didn’t like my idea for our vacation.
Carlos: Next time, if I were you, I’d talk to Beth about it first. She

always seems to know the best thing to do.

Evaluate Probe Advise Interpret

Joyce: My family didn’t like my idea for our vacation.
Mitch: I’m sure the only reason they didn’t like it was because it was

going to cost way too much. Don’t take it so personally.

Evaluate Probe Advise Interpret

Joyce: My family didn’t like my idea for our vacation.
Kaila: Did you let your husband know about your idea before you told

everyone?

Evaluate Probe Advise Interpret

Joyce: My family didn’t like my idea for our vacation.
Melanie: Yeah, that can happen if you don’t spend much time thinking

about it first.

Evaluate Probe Advise Interpret

People are so deeply scripted in these types of responses that they don’t even
realize when they use them. Now, we don’t want you to think that

autobiographical responses are always bad. When you use them at the right time
with the right intent, they can be productive. But usually autobiographical
responses force your opinion on others and sometimes you may be perceived as
intrusive or unwilling to understand. Even if your intention is to help, giving
advice or evaluating without being asked can backfire in the long run.
Do you have a relationship that needs improvement because you are listening
autobiographically? Use the following tool to determine this:

AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL RESPONSES—HOW DO I LISTEN?

Choose one relationship that you find challenging. During the week, listen, then
write your responses from conversations you have with this person. Determine
whether your responses are advising, probing, interpreting, or evaluating.

At the end of the week, review your notes. How might you change your
listening next time? What would you do differently?

EMPATHIC LISTENING—YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT

Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgment—
and for a few moments, at least, existing for the other person.

—MICHAEL P. NICHOLS

As you can see from the diagram above, the highest form of listening is called
empathic listening. Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is a form of agreement,
a form of judgment. And it is sometimes the more appropriate emotion or
response. But people often feed on sympathy. It makes them de-pendent.
Empathic listening gets you inside another person’s frame of reference. You
look out through it, you see the world the way he or she sees it, and you
understand how he or she feels. This does not necessarily mean you agree; it’s
that you fully, deeply, understand that person emotionally as well as
intellectually. You temporarily let go of your perspective to understand his or
her perspective.

Think of a time when someone made the effort to really understand you and
your point of view. What was it this person said and did that made you feel
understood?





EARS, EYES, AND HEART

Empathic listening is not about just listening with your ears. It’s about listening
with your eyes and heart, too. When you and others speak, the meaning you
communicate comes from three sources: the words you use, your body language,
and how you say your words. Listening with your eyes means you pick up on
nonverbal cues that another is communicating through his or her body language.

Listening with your heart means you listen for feeling and meaning that is
expressed through the tone and inflection of another’s voice. And listening with
your ears is simply hearing the actual words that are being said. It’s important to
remember that more than 90 percent of what people communicate does not come
through words but through nonverbal communication, such as tone of voice and
body language. This is where the paradigm shift usually occurs for people.

Communication is not just about words. Empathic listening is so powerful
because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own
autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation,
you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart. You’re
focused on receiving the deep communication from another human soul.

LISTENING EXERCISE

The next time you have an opportunity to observe people communicating, cover
your ears for a few minutes and just watch their body language. “Listen” to their
hand gestures, their stance, and their facial expressions. What emotions are
people communicating that might not come across in words alone?

This week pick two people and “listen” to their body language as you listen to
their words. What did you notice?





Did their body language agree with their words?




What did you do if it didn’t?





LISTENING SKILLS—ENHANCING EMPATHIC LISTENING

In addition to listening with your ears, eyes, and heart, seeking to understand
another individual requires implementing a few listening skills as well. Yet these
skills are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to empathic listening. What
lies below the surface of these skills is a sincere, true desire to understand
another human being. If empathic listening skills are not used with this intent,
then they may be perceived as manipulative and become ineffective. Even if
your skills are not strong, if you are sincerely listening to understand, that intent
will be heard loud and clear. Here are three basic skills to use when listening
empathically:

Rephrase content.
Reflect feeling.
Ask questions for better understanding.

When you rephrase content, you put the meaning of what another person said
into your own words. You are trying to see things as he or she does—trying to
understand things from his or her frame of reference. You are thinking about the
content of what is being said and not just about words only. Here’s an example:

Steve: This project is really getting the best of me. I don’t know if I’m
going to get it done before my son’s birthday.

Lillian: It sounds like you have some deadlines you are trying to meet.

When you reflect feeling, you are concentrating on the way the other person
feels about what he or she is saying. This is where listening with the ears, eyes,
and heart really comes into play. Here’s an example:

Steve: This project is really getting the best of me. I don’t know if I can
get it done by my son’s birthday.

Lillian: Steve, you seem a little worried.

The true effectiveness of empathic listening comes when you combine
rephrasing the content with reflecting the feeling. Here’s an example:

Steve: This project is really getting the best of me. I don’t know if I can
get it done by my son’s birthday.

Lillian: It seems like you are worried about some deadlines you are
trying to meet.

A discerning empathic listener can read what’s happening down deep fast, and
can show a level of understanding and acceptance that helps people feel safe to

open up layer after layer until they get to that soft inner core where the problem
really is. Along the way it is important to ask questions for better understanding.
These are not probing questions, but questions that help clarify and reach mutual
understanding. Here are some examples:

You’re frustrated by your daughter’s lack of respect. Is that right? It
seems like you’re pretty upset with Phil. Is that what’s bothering you?
Anything else?

10 STEPS TO BECOMING AN EMPATHIC LISTENER

1. Practice saying, “Take your time, I’m listening,” and really mean it.
2. Set aside your own agenda.
3. Be available and receptive emotionally as well as through body language.
4. Try to appreciate the other person’s point of view.
5. Listen without being in a hurry to take over.
6. Try to imagine yourself in the other’s place; feel what the speaker feels.
7. Help draw out thought and feeling by asking questions.
8. Have the speaker elaborate for further understanding.
9. Say, “Let me make sure I understand,” and then restate the issue.
10. Be sensitive to the speaker’s feelings.

It’s true that becoming an empathic listener takes time, but it doesn’t take any-
where near as much time as it takes to back up and correct misunderstandings
when you’re already miles down the road, to redo, and to live with unexpressed
and unsolved problems.

If you really seek to understand, without hypocrisy and without guile,
there will be times when you will be literally stunned with the pure
knowledge and understanding that will flow to you from another human
being.

—STEPHEN R. COVEY

DEVELOPING A LISTENING AWARENESS

During this week, pick a conversation that you wish you could have over again.

SEEK TO BE UNDERSTOOD

Knowing how to be understood is the other half of Habit 5 and is equally critical
to your effectiveness. In order to have influence with other people, they must
first feel that you understand them. And once they feel understood, they are open
to hearing your ideas, your counsel, and your point of view.

CHARACTER COMMUNICATES

One of the keys to your influence and your effectiveness in communicating your
message to others is your example and conduct. Your example flows naturally
out of your character—the kind of person you truly are—and not who others say

you are or who you may want others to think you are. Your character is
constantly communicating to others who you are. Because of what your
character communicates, people will either trust or distrust you and your efforts
with them. The questions below will help you examine your own character:
What is it about me that allows others to trust me?





What is it about me that causes people not to trust me?




Is there any part of my behavior where I am running hot and cold? For example,
are there times when I am critical of people and then in the next moment
forgiving?





Do my private actions square up with my public actions? If not, why? Where are
the discrepancies?





COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVE MESSAGES

Although character is extremely important in seeking to be understood, there are
some other key areas that will help you in communicating an effective message.
Whether you are communicating in writing, over the phone, or face-to-face in
presentations, you want others to understand your logic and you want to
convince them of the validity of that logic. Effective messages incorporate the

following two key concepts:

An understanding of the listener’s needs, interests, concerns, and priorities.
The sender’s own ideas communicated clearly and specifically.

So, an effective communicator always identifies his or her audience and its
needs first. Let’s take a look at an example. Joseph is a salesperson for a large
produce company. Here are some possible ways he could begin his presentation:

“I’m Joseph Velasquez from Fresh Foods. My presentation will cover
the following six points...”

“I’m Joseph Velasquez from Fresh Foods. Before I begin, let me make
sure I’ve captured your priorities for our time together. Based on
conversations I’ve had prior to this meeting, here’s what I think you’re
after.... Did I miss anything?”

Which one sounds better to you? It’s probably pretty obvious that the second
approach is much more effective than the first. In the second approach, Joseph
acknowledges that those in the audience have their own needs and goals. He has
also spent some time with the participants prior to the meeting to make sure he
understands them. In the first approach, Joseph is acknowledging only his own
needs and agenda. Now let’s see how Joseph could continue his presentation:

“I’d like to cover the material I have in about twenty-five minutes and
then open it up for questions.”

“My goal in this presentation is to show how Fresh Foods can meet your
needs in the Latino market. I’d like to leave with a clear sense of your
oper-ational plans and a ‘go or no-go’ decision to move forward next
quarter.”

Which one sounds better to you? In the first approach, Joseph is not very clear or
specific about what he wants to accomplish. It leaves the audience guessing what
the real next steps are. The only thing he clearly communicated was his desire to
just get through the presentation. In the second example, Joseph communicates
clearly and specifically his ideas and goals.

When Joseph first takes time to understand his audience and its needs, his
audience is now receptive to his message and has a clear understanding of what
will be discussed.

EVALUATING YOUR COMMUNICATION

EVALUATING YOUR COMMUNICATION

Think of a recent phone conversation, e-mail, or face-to-face discussion where
you stated your needs first.

HABIT 6

SYNERGIZE


Before you begin this section of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Personal Workbook, read pages 261–284 in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective

People.

The essence of synergy is to value differences—to respect them, to build
on strengths, to compensate for weaknesses. Once people have
experienced real synergy, they are never quite the same again. They
know the possibility of having other such mind-expanding adventures in
the future.

—STEPHEN R. COVEY

HABIT 6: SYNERGIZE IS THE HABIT of creative cooperation. It is the essence of
principle-centered leadership. Synergy is celebrating differences, teamwork,
open-mindedness, and finding new and better ways together. It doesn’t just
happen, though. It’s a process, and through that process you can create new
alternatives—options that didn’t exist before. Synergy is the idea that the whole
is greater than the sum of its parts. One plus one equals three or more.

When people begin to interact together genuinely, and they’re open to each
other’s influence, they begin to gain new insight. The capability of inventing
new approaches, Third Alternatives, is increased exponentially because of
differences. Synergy means you can literally produce something with another
person that neither of you could have produced separately.

VALUING DIFFERENCES

Before you can leverage the strengths of others, you must first be able to
recognize and value their differences. So, how much do you value differences?
Take this short quiz.

Circle the number from 1 to 5 that most closely represents your normal
behavior or attitude regarding the statement to the left. When you have answered
all the questions, add up your total and check your score.
Scoring

41–50: Significantly leveraging the differences of others.

21–40: Moderately leveraging the differences of others.
10–20: Not taking advantage of the differences of others.

SYNERGY’S A-LIST

Have a healthy respect for diversity. Everyone is unique and original, just
like you.
Be able to relax around others. Being wound too tight is for watches.
Value opinions whether you agree or not. Leave “My Way” to Frank.
Create balance. The idea is to give and take without being piggy about it.
Be responsive to new ideas. No mind-closure allowed.
Develop trust. Tough right out of the chute but worth it in the end.
Discover and share common interests. Go out of your way to mind-meld
often.
Humor. Never leave home without it.
Don’t stereotype. You’ll be wrong 100 percent of the time.
Be real. Enough said.