Reader's Digest USA 10.2020

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Reader’s Digest

EVERYDAY MIRACLES

Superhero with a Secret

By Paul Davis

from the moth

My first year living in Los An- cover your features. Sometimes I’d
geles, I was a birthday-party have to wear a mask and completely
clown. I struggled a lot with cover my face.
my identity because, though I viewed
myself as a filmmaker, everyone in my For certain parties, I’d have to go
life viewed me as this ridiculous day as a specific character. The way that
job. To make matters more confusing, would work is someone from the com-
being a clown is itself an identity- pany would drop off costumes for me
masking job. You wear makeup to the night before a party at a desig-
nated pickup spot, which was always

50 october 2020 Illustration by Gel Jamlang

the same empty CVS parking lot at ten visits are unremarkable. And my ele-
o’clock. It was like the worst drug deal ment of surprise is shot because they
you’ve ever seen, because instead of see me coming from, like, a quarter of
drugs, I was getting a trash bag filled a mile away. So I think, “Should I try
with a costume that smelled like the to make an entrance for them? Should
broken dreams of every failed actor I run?” But they don’t want to see Bat-
that’d worn it before me. man sweaty and panting from a brisk
jog, so I just keep walking.
Then they’d say, “Tomorrow you’re
going to be Mickey Mouse or Sponge- That leaves me plenty of time to re-
Bob SquarePants.” But those are reg- flect, and I start to regret my choice
istered trademarks, so at the party I’d to not shave. I’m thinking, “Gosh, this
actually be “Ricky Mouse” or “Sponge- party is not going to go well.” Sure
Guy ShortPants.” enough, once I get close enough for
them to actually start making out
One night, they handed me my
trash bag and said, “Tomorrow you’re I’M SO EMBARRASSED.
going to be Batman.” Now, keep in I WANT TO TURN
mind that at the time I had a giant AND RUN BACK TO
mustache. I know: a clown with a MY BATMOBILE.
mustache—that’s a huge red flag for
parents. But I hadn’t wanted to al- the features of my face, the entire
ter my physical appearance for that party breaks out in laughter. I’m so
job, because that would have been embarrassed. I want to turn around
me subconsciously admitting I was and run back to my Batmobile. But
more of a clown than an artist. So for then the laughter kind of merges and
the party, I opted not to shave. Bold changes into cheering and applause.
choice—I know. I’m not sure at first what’s triggered
the change. Feeling kind of warm and
The next day, I go to the party. It’s fuzzy inside, I’m thinking, “Is this
at this huge public park, and I have to what encouragement and support
leave my car parked far enough away feels like? It’s so new.”
so that the kids can’t see Batman
pulling up in a PT Cruiser. So I’m all Then I think I do want to make an
the way on the outskirts of the park, entrance for these kids. I’m still about
and the only way for me to get to the 20 yards away from the party when
party is to walk to it. Normally at these I just start running. They all start
parties, all you have going for you is cheering louder, and my cape is bil-
the element of surprise. You pop in lowing in the wind, and—mustache or
through the front door: “Surprise!
Batman’s here!” All the kids go crazy.
Without the element of surprise, these

rd.com 51

Reader’s Digest Everyday Miracles

not—in that moment, I was Batman. always has a mustache. He just shaves
I run into the party, and they’re all it for his movies.”

high-fiving me. I see the birthday boy Naturally, the children were dubi-
with his dad, and the dad is laughing, ous. Until, in a bizarre twist of fate, my
and he says, “You see, I told you, son. mustache became the detail that con-
I told you Batman has a mustache.” firmed what the parents had said and
And I think, “That’s a weird thing to convinced the kids that I was actually
have told your kid in the first place.” Batman.
But then he takes me over to this
huge birthday cake with a frosting Those kids were at the perfect age
Batman drawn on it, and the Batman where they still believed in miracles
has a mustache. I just stared at it in and heroes and that the world is an
disbelief. I think, “That’s got to be a inherently good place—all the stuff
botched mouth,” but it’s a thick black that’s so difficult for us to keep be-
line drawn underneath his nose and lieving as we grow up in a cold and
curling around the side. It looks just complicated world.
like my mustache.
That year, I struggled a lot with my
That’s why everyone was laughing identity; was I a filmmaker, or was I
so hard when I first arrived, because a clown? But that day, at least, there
when they initially brought the cake was no doubt in my mind what I was.
out, all the kids scoffed and said, I may not have been the hero that they
“Batman doesn’t have a mustache.” ordered, and I certainly was not the
And instead of just admitting that the hero they expected. But that day, I was
cake was messed up, the parents tried the hero that they needed. RD
to save face and said, “No, Batman
as told live at the moth in los angeles (july 24,
2018), copyright © 2018 by paul davis, themoth.org.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Beagles!

Can you ruin a great band name by changing only one of its letters?
That’s the idea behind a digital parlor game that has made the rounds

on reddit.com and Twitter. Here are some of our favorites:

Boys to Meh The Why
The Mamas and the Tapas Radio Dead
Destiny’s Chili The Beach Toys
The Six Pistols Run DMV
Few Kids on the Block The Spite Girls
Public Enema W2

52 october 2020 | rd.com

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Retailer: Wise Consumer Products Co. will reimburse you for the face value of this coupon plus
$0.08 handling provided you and the consumer have complied with the terms of this o er.
Invoices proving purchase of su cient stock to cover presented coupons must be shown upon
request. Any other application may constitute fraud. Coupon void where prohibited, taxed or
restricted. Consumer must pay any sales tax Cash value 1/100¢. Reproduction of this coupon is

expressly prohibited. Mail to: Dept. Wise CPC, PO Box 42400, Blue Ash, OH 45242.
www.frankincensemyrrh.com

Reader’s Digest

LAUGH LINES

If you don’t have a panini press, Bought quick oats, then my
just heat up your corduroys roommate showed up with instant
and sit on your sandwich.
— @BoogTweets oats. I will not be humiliated;
I must find an even sooner oat.
If smoking is so
bad, then why does — @ChrisThayerSays

it cure salmon? Grateful to the visionary
who saw beans that
— @ARSONDOER
had only been fried one
time and thought,
“This isn’t enough.”
— @ginnyhogan

As desserts go, Gut
you can’t beat Busters

a cobbler. You cannot glue a getty images (2)
Tastes good, tomato back together
makes shoes.
with tomato paste.
— @williefitz Believe me. I’ve tried.

— @walruslifestyle

54 october 2020 | rd.com

Great Destinations

Visit Greensboro, NC FREE TRAVEL INFORMATION!

We’re ready for you. Check as many boxes as you like! Please allow 6-8
One-of-a-kind shopping, weeks for delivery.
unique dining and fun-filled
adventures, Greensboro T 1. Discover Historic Hendersonville
offers the perfect T 2. Greensboro Convention & Visitors Bureau
combination of small-town T 3. St. Lawrence Cruise Lines
charm and big city appeal.
A part of Count on Me NC. NAME
For more information, visit
VisitGreensboroNC.com or ADDRESS STATE ZIP CODE
call 1.800.344.2822 CITY

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Experience the natural T Yes, I would like to receive additional Travel Information
beauty and rich history of at the e-mail address above.
Canada’s rivers aboard an
intimate and nostalgic replica Mail to: Readers Digest P.O. Box 413050, Naples, FL 34101-3050
steamboat. Travel safely Fax: 888-847-6035
and comfortably on calm
waters for 4, 5, 6, 7 nights.

For more information, visit
stlawrencecruiselines.com or
call 1.800.267.7868

For More Information Visit RD.COM/TRAVELTIPS

COVER STORY

Keeps flowers fresh. Unclogs a sink.

EXTRAORDINARY USES

Save time and money with these ingenious tips for getting more

Eliminates grease stains. Removes water marks.

56 october 2020

Reader’s Digest

Makes glue. Saves a bottle of wine.

FOR ORDINARY THINGS
from the book extraordinary uses
out of the stuff you already have for ordinary things

Stops a windshield crack. Eases stiff muscles.

Photographs by Joleen Zubek rd.com 57

Reader’s Digest Cover Story

You can’t always get what you want. That’s a lesson our parents
and the Rolling Stones have long made clear, but we’ve relearned
it the hard way this year as the pandemic has disrupted so much
in our lives. That doesn’t mean you have to accept defeat, how-
ever, or even delay. These 39 items are domestic superheroes:
They have secret skills that can save your bacon—not to men-
tion the dirty frying pan—in a pinch. There they sit, minding their
own business under your sink, in your fridge, or in that grab bag
drawer. They look so ordinary. Yet once you discover their pow-
ers, they will save you unwanted trips to the store, expensive visits
from the handyman, gnashing of teeth, and more.

1. FOOD AND COOKING the moisture that causes your fruits
and vegetables to rot. When the lining
SUBSTITUTE FOR YEAST: Looking to gets dirty, just throw it out and replace
make a loaf of bread? Mix one tea- with fresh paper towels.
spoon each of powdered vitamin C (or
citric acid) and baking soda. What’s KEEP FRUIT FRESH: Do your berries
more, the dough you add it to won’t and grapes get moldy before you’ve
have to rise before baking. had a chance to enjoy them? Store
them in a colander—not a closed
REPLACE BAKING POWDER: Substi- plastic container—in the refrigerator.
tute two parts cream of tartar mixed The cold air will be able to circulate
with one part each baking soda and through the holes and around the
cornstarch. The cornstarch slows the fruit, keeping it fresher for days.
reaction between the acidic cream of
tartar and the alkaline baking soda, REVIVE SOGGY LETTUCE: Don’t toss
which helps the compound maintain those sorry leaves in the garbage. Add
its leavening power longer. the juice of half a lemon to a bowl of
cold water, put the soggy lettuce in
PROTECT VEGGIES IN THE FRIDGE: it, and refrigerate for about an hour.
Line your refrigerator’s crisper drawer
with paper towels. They will absorb

58 october 2020

VINEGAR: This ultimate multipurpose liquid can clean chrome,
stainless steel, and bricks; get rock salt off your shoes and stickers off
your bumper; remove grease stains and candle drips; tenderize meat
(see page 61); and treat a jellyfish sting, among its many other talents.

rd.com 59

Rure

Bakin.g Soda®

Am e ri c d·~ Ill Trusted Baking Soda Brand
Hundreds of uses like:

Scmtrhfcs!. Clt'Omnc, -.;:;;

P \\'r 8OL (227gj

BAKING SODA: In addition to being a stand-in for baking powder
and other cooking staples (see page 58), baking soda can clean
and deodorize your vegetables, your pots, your teeth—even your
toilets. It also makes for an able first aid treatment, helping soothe
burns (see page 67), rashes, and bee stings, among other things.

60 october 2020

Cover Story Reader’s Digest

Make sure the leaves are completely REPEL DUST FROM YOUR SCREENS:
dry before using them in salads or Because televisions and computers
sandwiches. are electrically charged, they attract
dust. Fabric softener sheets will get
TENDERIZE MEAT: Soaking inexpen- them clean and keep them that way.
sive cuts of meat in vinegar for up to
four hours doesn’t just break down RESCUE A RUG: If you’ve spilled coffee
tough fibers; it also reduces carcino- or tea on the carpet, there’s another
genic compounds that form during tasty beverage that can clean the
grilling. Experiment with different mess: beer. Rub a few teaspoons (or
vinegar varieties for added flavor, or more, if you made a really big mess)
simply use apple-cider vinegar or dis- lightly into the fabric. Flat beer will
tilled vinegar. Just be sure to rinse the also polish up your wood furniture.
meat off before cooking.
YOU CAN’T ALWAYS
SAVE A BOTTLE OF WINE: If the cork GET WHAT YOU WANT,
breaks apart when you open a bottle, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE
no problem. Pour the wine through a
coffee filter. It will catch everything TO ACCEPT DEFEAT.
but the liquid.

2. CLEANING DISSOLVE TARNISH ON SILVERWARE:
Grab some potatoes and boil them
GET RID OF SOAP SCUM: Spritz that up. Remove them from the water and
gunk with cooking spray and let it sit save them to eat later. Then place your
for a couple of minutes. The scum will silverware in the potato water and let
come off with just a swipe of a towel. it sit for an hour. Remove and wash it.
Then wash the surface with soap and The tarnish should have disappeared.
water.

ELIMINATE GREASE STAINS: Rub UNSTICK GUM: Got chewing gum
some chalk on greasy spots on clothes smooshed into the carpet or on the
or table linens and let it absorb the wall? WD-40 will loosen it. This works
oil before you brush it off. If the stain on wax drippings too.
lingers, rub more chalk into it before
laundering. To get rid of ring-around- REMOVE WATER STAINS FROM
the-collar stains, mark them heavily FURNITURE: Did your guests some-
with chalk before laundering to ab- how miss the coasters? To get rid
sorb the oils that hold in dirt. of those annoying white rings left

rd.com 61

and run a small
amount of water into
the basin to make a
seal with the edge of
the ball. Using the ball
of your hand, plunge
down hard and fast.

CLEAR A BLOCKED

DRAIN: If the tennis

ball plunger doesn’t

work, pour in half a

cup of baking soda

LEMON JUICE: Besides brightening the flavor and let it sit for a few
of recipes, lemon juice can clean and freshen minutes. Then add one
your microwave and your laundry. It’s also a cup each of vinegar

potent exfoliant, dandruff fighter, wart remover, and hot water. Cover

and disinfectant (see page 67). with the stopper for

ten minutes, then

flush with hot water.

by moist glasses, gently rub some Repeat, and plunge, if needed.

non-gel toothpaste on the wood with

a soft cloth. Wipe it off with a damp FILL A CRACK IN THE FLOOR: Crayons

cloth and let the area dry. make great fill material for small

scratches, gouges, or holes in many

LIFT A SCORCH MARK: If you singe floors. Select the color that most

your favorite shirt with a hot iron, wet closely matches yours. Melt the

the area and cover it with cornstarch. crayon in the microwave over waxed

Allow the cornstarch to dry, then paper on medium power, a minute at

brush it away. a time, until you have a pliant glob of

color. Now, with a plastic knife or putty

3. HOME FIXES knife, fill the hole. Smooth it over with
a rolling pin, a book, or some other flat

U N C LO G A B AT H R O O M S I N K — object. You don’t even need to sand it.

WITHOUT A PLUNGER: Cut off and

discard the top third of an old tennis SUBSTITUTE GLUE: Egg whites can

ball. Place the open end of what re- act as a replacement when you need

mains over the clogged drain. Block to adhere some paper or light card-

the overflow hole with a damp cloth board together.

62 october 2020

Cover Story Reader’s Digest

ADD INSULATION: Cut window-sized and keeping them closed once the sun
pieces of wide Bubble Wrap, then goes down will save on fuel bills too.
duct-tape them to windows for extra
warmth and savings on winter fuel JUMP-START THE FIREPLACE: Dried
bills. Don’t like the look? Lowering orange and lemon peels make even
the blinds will make it less noticeable, better kindling than newspaper. Not
only do they smell better and produce
less creosote than newspaper, but the
flammable oils found inside the peels
enable them to burn much longer.
Don’t want to wait for the peels to dry
out? Put them on a cookie sheet in a
200°F oven for 25 to 30 minutes.

MOST TRUSTED BRANDS FOR
YOUR HOME AND FAMILY

What are the most trusted brands in America? For the sixth year,
Reader’s Digest teamed up with research firm Ipsos Connect to find out.
This time, we asked more than 3,500 Americans which brands they rely
on in 20 categories of household and travel-related products. Here are the
winners. For more information on them, go to rd.com/mosttrusted2020.

AIRLINE: Southwest HOUSEHOLD CLEANING PET INSURANCE: Geico
PET RETAILER: PetSmart
AUTO INSURANCE: PRODUCT: Lysol PET TREATS: Milk-Bone

State Farm LAUNDRY DETERGENT: RETIREMENT/INVEST-
CAT LITTER: Tidy Cats
CREDIT CARD: Visa Tide MENT SERVICES: Fidelity
CRUISE LINE: Carnival
LIFE INSURANCE: MetLife SUVS/CROSSOVERS:
DISINFECTANT WIPES:
NATIONAL HOTEL CHAIN: Toyota
Clorox TRUCKS/PICKUPS: Ford
Hilton
HOME INSURANCE: WIRELESS PROVIDER:
PASSENGER CARS:
State Farm Verizon
Toyota
PET FOOD: Purina

rd.com 63

Reader’s Digest Cover Story

RESCUE A DROWNING LAPTOP: You the car into the sun so the windshield
just spilled water on your computer. can dry. But take note: This fix is only
Now what? Power down and dis- temporary. Try to get the glass re-
connect any accessories. Open the placed within a day or two at most.
screen at a right angle, then place the
laptop upside down on a dry towel FIX A LOOSE BATTERY: Got a battery
overnight in a warm, well-ventilated that won’t stay in place in a flashlight?
place. The next day, blast air into the Ball up a piece of aluminum foil and
machine for 15 minutes with a hair put it at the bottom of the cannister.
dryer set to the lowest heat setting.
Keep it about six inches above the key- MAKE AN EMERGENCY SHOELACE: If
board and move it constantly to avoid you’ve busted a sneaker lace, cut off a
creating hot spots. piece of duct tape that’s as long as you
need and rip off twice the width you
THESE DOMESTIC need. Fold the tape in half along its
SUPERHEROES CAN length, sticky side in. Thread your new
SAVE YOUR BACON— lace onto your sneaker and tie it up.

AND THE PAN. 4. GARDENING

REPAIR A SCRATCHED PHONE FERTILIZE YOUR PLANTS: Don’t throw
SCREEN: For shallow scratches, first out those old coffee grounds. They’re
clean the affected area using a fresh, full of nutrients that your acid-loving
lint-free cloth dipped in water. Wipe plants crave. Save them to fertilize
it dry with a second lint-free cloth. rosebushes, azaleas, rhododendrons,
Then rub the affected area lightly with camellias, and evergreens.
a clean, soft pencil eraser, following
the direction of the scratch. You might REPEL INSECTS: Scatter a border of
need to repeat this several times be- ashes from your fireplace around
fore the scratch disappears. your garden to deter cutworms, slugs,
and snails—ash sticks to their bodies
HALT A WINDSHIELD CRACK: If you’ve and draws moisture out of them. Also
developed a small crack in your wind- sprinkle small amounts over garden
shield, stop it cold with some clear plants to manage infestations of soft-
nail polish. Working in the shade, bodied insects. Be warned: Since ash
brush the crack on both sides of the is alkaline, it shouldn’t be used on
glass with polish to fill it well. Move acid-loving plants such as azaleas,
rhododendrons, hydrangeas, and
mums.

64 october 2020

ALUMINUM FOIL: Keeping your food warm is just the beginning.
You can also use foil to clean a cast-iron pan, sharpen scissors,
fix a loose battery (see page 64), soften brown sugar, improve
radiator efficiency, build a seed incubator, keep bees away from
beverages, improve outdoor lighting, and make a funnel.

rd.com 65

FABRIC SOFTENER SHEETS: The dryer isn’t the only place where
fabric softener sheets can help tame stinky smells. Tuck them into
closets, suitcases, wastebaskets, drawers, and even sneakers for an
inexpensive air freshener. The sheets also work wonderfully to pick
up pet hair, lift burned-on residue from casserole dishes, keep dust
off blinds and screens (see page 61), clean soap scum from show-
ers, buff chrome to a brilliant shine, and chase away gnats.

66 october 2020

Cover Story Reader’s Digest

KEEP FLOWERS FRESH: Cut flowers The mustard will enhance the sooth-
will stay perky longer if you add a cop- ing effects of the salts.
per penny and an aspirin to the vase
water. And don’t forget to change the REMOVE A SPLINTER: You can avoid
water daily. the agony of digging a splinter out with
a needle by covering it with adhesive
5. HEALTH AND BEAUTY tape instead. After about three days,
pull the tape off slowly, and the splin-
DISINFECT A CUT: No rubbing al- ter should come out with it.
cohol or hydrogen peroxide? An
alcohol-based mouthwash can clean SAVE YOUR SHAVE: If you run out of
a shallow cut and disinfect your skin. shaving cream, try slathering some
Alternatively, you can dab a few drops soft butter on your wet skin for a
of lemon juice directly on the cut. smooth, close shave.

TREAT MINOR BURNS: If you sustain a MAKE A DEHUMIDIFIER: A humid
minor skin burn, quickly pour some closet, attic, or cellar can wreak havoc
baking soda into a container of ice on your health as well as on your
water, soak a cloth or gauze pad in it, clothes. Get rid of all that humidity
and apply it to the burn. Keep apply- with homemade dehumidifiers. To
ing the solution until the burn no lon- make one, just put some charcoal
ger feels hot. This treatment will also briquettes in a large, clean, lidded
prevent many burns from blistering. can and punch a few holes in the lid.
Another option: Apply vanilla extract. Place one or more in humid areas. Re-
The evaporation of the alcohol in the place the charcoal every few months.
vanilla extract cools the burn.
REPEL TICKS AND OTHER INSECTS:
EASE ACHY SPOTS: For pain in your Going for a walk in the woods? Smear
knee or other joints or muscles, rub in some mentholated chest rub on your
some warming liniment and wrap the ankles, wrists, and neck before you
area with plastic wrap. The wrap leave the house. It might not be your
will increase the heating effect of the favorite scent, but gnats, mosquitos,
liniment. Test on a small area first to and disease-carrying ticks hate it,
make sure your skin does not burn. and they’ll go in search of a sweeter-
smelling victim. RD
RELAX STIFF MUSCLES: If you prefer
to soak your sore spots, take a bath in For more extraordinary tricks, buy
Epsom salts and throw in a few table- the book at shop.rd.com/tips.
spoons of prepared yellow mustard.

rd.com 67

HUMOR

Forget “The dog ate my homework.”
These inspired whoppers will leave you

shaking your head—and laughing.

68 october 2020 | rd.com Illustrations by Mike Lowery

Reader’s Digest

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Reader’s Digest

By Noah Gebstadt

from newyorker.com

Hey! Sorry, but I’m running a bit late. I’m heading out
the door right now, I promise. I just need to get out of
bed, shower really quick, and then stare at my closet for
ten minutes as I air-dry.

Five minutes out, I swear. I just need to paint my room.
It’ll take, like, three minutes, tops.

Around the corner! Just have to indie biopic of Apolo Ohno. I think hand lettering by maria amador
pop into a bookstore to buy and then you’re really going to dig the story.
read The Goldfinch. I never got There’s already award-season buzz.
around to it, and I heard it was really
good. No spoilers. :) Truly a block away! Remember
that demonic goldendoodle? Well,
Ah! I’m OMW. I had to perform an her owner and I fell in love and got
exorcism on my neigh- married. We had a child really quick.
bor’s dog. I think it’s Oh, and I live in New Jersey now.
one of those golden
retriever/poodle Trains are awful. But I’m still
mixes. Anyway, she coming! I hopped off the F and got
had a demon from hell on a boat. The boat was hit by a
rogue wave, and it capsized. We all
inside of her, so whatcha gonna do— washed ashore on an island. Things
am I right?! have become pretty political and
the survivors have split into factions.
Literally crossing the street now. I I’ve been made leader of one of the
had to stop for a snack. I was craving groups. We’re going to have a final
an apple, so I went to an orchard showdown on the beach to see who
in Vermont. I’ll tell you all about it
when I get there, which is going to
be very soon.

I’m SO sorry—three minutes away.
I had to wrap production on my

70 october 2020 | rd.com

Humor

gets control over our Hey! Don’t hate me, but I thought
very limited supplies, you were talking about the café
but then I’m heading on the corner near my apartment.
right over! I didn’t realize that you wanted to
meet at the one near your place. That
Truly close now. I might be a little too
ended up walking the wrong way and far for me—I’m pretty
saw a notorious Mafia don whacked pooped. You think
in an alleyway. The FBI had to put we could take a rain
me into witness protection under check for next week-
the name Hubert Tingleman. I now end? Love you lots!
own a small but successful hardware
store on Main Street in Harlan, Iowa. newyorker.com (june 1, 2019), copyright © 2019
Mum’s the word on that, though. by noah gebstadt.

We asked RD readers to share their all-time favorite
cover stories from real life

Working as an apartment
manager, I’ve heard every
excuse for why the rent
is late: Husband got laid
off. Kids were sick. I lost
the money order. Or
simply, “I forgot.” But
the most creative excuse
of all was this: “I only had
half the rent. So I went
up to the casino to try to
double my money.”
—Mikki Sams
everett, washington

My husband hasn’t been
to the gym in over a year.
One day, I asked him to

Reader’s Digest

credit for concocting
such an original excuse
and allowed him to redo
the assignment.

Two months later, after
the snow melted, he
presented me with the
ragged folder containing
the faded original version
of his homework.

—Michael Lorinser
prior lake, minnesota

come with me. “No,” he “Oh,” she said. “I thought Years ago, as a young
said, “I need to lose a few that was last night.” man driving a very old
pounds before I go back.” —Jim Godfrey station wagon, I was
—Sandra Curran freeport, florida pulled over for speeding.
vero beach, florida
A student of mine “You know, you were
I recently invited neigh- claimed he didn’t have going 55 in a 45-mph
bors over for dinner. his homework because zone,” the officer said.
When they were about it had fallen into a pile
an hour late, I gave them of snow and was quickly I knew he was wrong
a buzz to see what time covered by a snowplow. and told him. “Honestly,
we might expect them. Of course, I didn’t believe Officer, I don’t think
The wife was nonplussed. him. Still, I gave him this piece of junk can go
that fast.”

“You know, that’s the
best excuse I’ve heard in
a long time.” He then got
back into his patrol car
without ticketing me.

—Arnie Maestas
cumberland, maine

One of my chronically
late employees showed
up later than usual. At

72 october 2020

Humor

least he had a good few days before finally he hadn’t said so on his
excuse: “The train that calling to tell me he was application. When I asked
gets me here ten minutes home. Home, by the way, him why, he said he didn’t
late was ten minutes late.” was sunny Texas. think the arrest counted.
—Leon Hewson
—Patricia Johnson amidon, north dakota “Why wouldn’t it
brick, new jersey count?” I asked.
I was an hour late for
I was in the middle of my appointment at the “Because I didn’t have
grading my students’ sleep-disorder clinic. My a driver’s license.”
homework, and my hus- excuse: “I overslept.”
band and I decided we —Lou Fleury —Miriam Kitmacher
were hungry. So I left all royal oak, michigan tucson, arizona
the papers organized in
neat piles, and we ducked Once, when my dad re- When our new hire didn’t
out. I returned an hour ceived an invitation to do show up for work, I called
later to discover that my something he obviously her. She explained that
puppy had found the pa- didn’t want to do, he re- her mother had passed
pers. The next day, I called plied, “I can’t go. I have to away and that she would
three of my students over change the furnace filter.” need a few days off for
to my desk to explain why Now whenever anyone in bereavement. “Of
I was giving them all 100 my family doesn’t want to course,” I said.
on their assignments: “My do something, that’s
dog ate your homework.” what we tell each other. A week went by, and
—Debra Nelson she still hadn’t returned to
—Joanne Beer hugo, minnesota work. So I called again.
las cruces, new mexico This time, she said she had
I was a federal agent, in- good news and bad. The
Working on an oil rig in terviewing a young man good news: Her mother
North Dakota during the for his security clearance. had come back to life.
winter weeds out the I knew that he’d been The bad news: She was
riffraff. One day, one of my arrested for speeding sick again, so she
workers told me he had to a few years earlier, but had to stay home
go home to get a warmer with her. RD
coat. He was gone for a
—Benjamin

Weber

cincinnati, ohio

A Perfectly Mad Employment Test

When the illustrator Mort Drucker interviewed for a job at the fabled humor
magazine Mad in 1956, owner William Gaines said Drucker was hired—
if the Brooklyn Dodgers won their game that day. (They did.)

washington post

rd.com 73

Reader’s Digest
74 october 2020

BEST OF AMERICA

Letters
from the

Front

Some of the 150,000 A collection of war letters,
letters that scholar from the Revolution to
Andrew Carroll has
gathered since he Iraq, helps us all share in
was a teenager the powerful dreams and

Photographs by Greg Kahn fears of our soldiers
and their loved ones

By Andy Simmons

rd.com 75

Reader’s Digest

When Andrew Carroll’s family home in
Washington, DC, burned down in 1989,
no one was hurt, thank God. But Carroll,
then a sophomore in college, lost everything,
including valuable letters from a friend
who had witnessed the Tiananmen Square
massacre in China.

A distant cousin, James Carroll Jor- would say, ‘It didn’t happen; it wasn’t noun project (illustrations)
dan, heard of the conflagration and that bad,’” Carroll, now 51, says. “He
called to check in. Carroll explained wanted eyewitnesses.” Upon his re-
that everything had been lost, includ- turn from the camp, Jordan wrote an
ing those letters, which he recognized explicitly detailed three-page type-
had historical relevance. written letter about what he witnessed
at Buchenwald.
“Funny you should say that,” Jor-
dan replied. “I was just going through “Dear Betty Anne: I saw something
my old World War II footlocker, and I today that makes me realize why
came across a letter I wrote to my wife we’re over here fighting this war,” it
in 1945.” He mailed Carroll the letter, began. “We visited a German politi-
and what Carroll read changed his life. cal internment camp. When we first
walked in, we saw all these creatures
Jordan was 23 and serving in Eu- that were supposed to be men. They
rope, though the war was pretty much were dressed in black and white
over. Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower had suits, heads shaved and starving to
just ordered nearby troops, including death.” He mentions a monument
Jordan’s platoon, to enter a recently that boasted of 51,000 deaths there in
liberated concentration camp. “Ike just three years. “They were proud of
knew there’d come a day when people

76 october 2020

Best of America

When he travels, Carroll handcuffs this case, filled with treasured letters, to his wrist.

it.” He describes in rapid order “the into action. He has spent the almost
building where they infected these 30 years since then collecting the ap-
people with disease ...” “The torture proximately 150,000 letters that com-
dept ...” “The 8 cremator furnaces ...” prise the Center for American War
He goes on: “There is another place Letters at Chapman University in Or-
I never told you about. The latrine. I ange, California. Many of the letters
won’t tell you about it, because you have come from the spouses of dead
won’t believe me. It’s unbelievable.” soldiers, who entrusted Carroll with
their personal artifacts because they
More than 40 years after Jordan feared their own children or grand-
recorded what he saw, his cousin children would simply toss them out.
was profoundly moved. “I was over- Others were discovered by accident,
whelmed by the power of the letter,” in old barns, renovated homes, gar-
Carroll says. When he called Jordan bage bins, and flea markets.
about sending it back, what Jordan
said surprised him: “Keep it,” he They cover every major American
told Carroll. “I probably would have war and battle, including Gettysburg
thrown it away anyway.” and Pearl Harbor, and an equally
wide array of topics. Some are routine,
That statement shocked Carroll

rd.com 77

Reader’s Digest

asking after Aunt Lettie or the farm. their crimson gore and treasure ...
Others reveal raw emotion about lost Every man of true honor & virtue will
time and mortality. rather contend for the honor of first
spilling his blood in so glorious a
“We have so many letters of fathers cause ... yrs. Alexr. Scammell.”
writing to their newborn children,”
says Carroll. “The explicit message A few years later, at the Battle of
is, ‘In case I don’t come home, know Yorktown, Scammell did indeed spill
that your father loves you.’” Such let- his blood for the cause he held so dear.
ters, he says, remind us that America’s
soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines The Civil War
also happen to be “someone’s child or
parent. They’re not just statistics who Filled with misspellings and a shock-
go off to war.” ing observation about President
Abraham Lincoln, this letter was
Still, imbued in many of the letters written by the wife of a Confederate
soldier on Valentine’s Day in 1863. It
“THEY’RE SOMEONE’S was taken off his body at the Battle of
CHILD OR PARENT, NOT Chancellorsville by a Union soldier.
JUST STATISTICS WHO
Most dear husband i thought that i
GO OFF TO WAR.” would rite you a few lines to let you
[k]now how we all are ... i hope these
is a fervent love of country. One of the few lines will find you well i hope you
oldest in the collection dates back to wont git your feet frose because if you
the American Revolution. Its author, do the dockter will try to take them
Alexander Scammell, explains to a of[f ] ... i wish their never had bin a
friend why war against the crown must lost war pitty old abe lincon hadnt
be pursued. The prose is eloquent and dide fore he had took his seat [as
flowery, befitting the era in which it president] o do try and take care of
was written. But the substance is pa- your self so that you will live to come
triotism at its best: home when i write this letter i cant
help but cry of thinking of you ... i have
“My friend, tyranny and oppression got the likeness [i.e., daguerreotype]
wield their iron rod over our country; framed this winter I have got that to
they begin to shake the very founda- look at if i hant got you but that don’t
tion of our constitution. Whilst the satesfy me for i would rather have you
voice of our forefathers’ blood cries look at me rite as soon as you get this
to us from the ground, to define the letter no more at present rite and let
rights, the liberty, and the territory me [k]now how your gitting long sarah
which they so dearly purchased by

78 october 2020

Best of America

A love letter from a spouse taken we walked in free as we do into many
off the body of a Confederate soldier other places. It’s very convenient in
these days to be in uniform, especially
World War I of a foreign nation.

Dated October 20, 1918—three I went out with a Red Cross Lieut.
weeks before Armistice Day—this named Hemingway, who comes from
letter was written by a young lieu- Oak Park—by the way—lives over on
tenant to his wife. He’s in an Italian the same street “Kathy” Wright did. He
hospital for an ailment that’s never has been here in the hospital 4 months
discussed. But he does mention a new and has some time to go yet. He was
friend who will become a household out in the trenches one night when a
name in just a few years. trench mortar shell blew their cover
away and left them exposed to ma-
Dearest Sweetheart, chine gun fire. He got 247 wounds from
I was very very wicked this after- the mortar shell and machine guns. He
has a couple of pounds of metal they
noon and went to the horse-races. have carved out of him. Luckily he got
They were jockey races and quite ex- most of it in his legs and not in a vital
citing. All of the highest and mighti- spot.
est in Milan were there. Being officers,
Your Buddy

rd.com 79

Reader’s Digest

World War II This staff sergeant borrowed stationery
to pen a note: “A year ago today I was
As this young lieutenant lay dying sweating out shells on Anzio beachhead,”
in a Japanese prison camp, he he wrote. “Today I am sitting in Hitler’s
managed to scrawl some words on luxuriously furnished apartment in
the back of two small photographs of Munich. What a contrast.”
his family and hand them to a fellow
POW, who delivered them to his par- Ranch with my money and just think of
ents after the war. me often while your there. Make liberal
donations to both sisters. See that Bary
Momie and Dad: It is pretty hard to has a car his first year. I guess you can
check out this way without a fighting tell Patty that fate just didn’t want us to
chance. But we can’t live forever. I’m be together. Hold a nice service for me ...
not afraid to die, I just hate the thought and put headstone in my cemetery.
of not seeing you again. Buy Turkey Take care of my nieces and nephews

80 october 2020

Best of America

don’t let them ever want anything as I that at the end of my journey, you will
want even warmth or water now. be there to welcome me. All the love,
darling, that I haven’t been able to give
Loving & Waiting for you in the you for these many months has been
world be on. choked up in my heart. Tonight I must
tell you. You are the ship that will carry
Your son, Lt. Tommie Kennedy me safely home, the armor that will
shield me from harm, and the breath
World War II that comes into my body. Every won-
derful African sunrise is the light that
Many soldiers worried less about shines from your eyes, and every sun-
the battlefield than they did about set the curve of your lips. The lapping
the home front. This soldier, writing of the waves upon the shore was your
from “somewhere in North Africa” in voice whispering to me. There is noth-
1943, overtly and covertly asks his girl ing that is good and kind that crosses
back home if she still loves him. my path that doesn’t make me think of
you. I’m hungry and thirsty, I’m tired
Dear Dot, and weary, I’m savage and beastly—
Did you ever receive the perfume I’m all that is wretched, only because
we are apart.
that I sent you? A tent mate sent some
home after I did, and he has just re- You have created storms in my breast
ceived a letter acknowledging it. Per- whose fury if unloosed would have torn
haps you have too, but it might be in us both apart. I loved you even when I
another batch of letters that are taking thought I hated. I’m just trying to say
a long time to get to me. what has been said a million times be-
fore by poets and singers and said so
Some letters ago I told you about the much better. Sweetheart, I love you.
reactions of some of the men to news
they received from home. It still keeps Bill
on happening and turns some of the
boys into men. When the test comes, Dot felt the same way Bill did. They
these will be the men who feel that they married soon after he returned home.
have very little to lose, and will become
either heroes, or dead men. Korean War

This, my darling, is another one of This letter was found in the waste-
those letters that started out as an exer- paper basket in a bank, near the
cise in two-fingered typing and became safe-deposit boxes. The writer, Paul, is
lost somewhere. I seem to hear you say, addressing his “Dearest Wife & Fam-
“Don’t be afraid, I’ll always under- ily” from his hospital bed in Japan. He
stand.” You always have, so I keep
pouring my petty troubles in your ears.

For me there is only one hope left,

rd.com 81

Reader’s Digest

was wounded in the thigh by a snip-
er’s bullet during a fierce firefight with
Chinese troops that saw many Ameri-
can casualties, including some who
were wounded while helping Paul to
shelter in a ditch. Because he couldn’t
walk, the surviving Americans went off
for help. Not long after, he “saw some
guys walking against the dim light
of the sky. I yelled for help and they
started toward me; they had long fixed
bayonets.” They were Chinese soldiers.

They squatted and stood around and Using what was available to him in
looked at me for awhile but did not the jungles of Vietnam, a soldier wrote
harm me or abuse me. In fact, I saw an his mother about a friend from home
honest look of pity and sympathy on who was killed in action: “I had orders to
every face. I knew then that they would fly to Cleveland as an escort to his mom
not leave me there to freeze and die. and dad and family [at the funeral]. I had
They took me by the hands and tied a no words to say to his family … my body
belt around my feet and dragged me was numb.”
for about a mile to a small burned out
village. Then a Chinese medic came Iraq War
and put a fresh bandage on my leg and
put me on a litter. Service members often refer to one
another using “call signs,” essen-
I was carried into the one house that tially nicknames inspired by a physical
was left standing where they made a characteristic, a personality trait, or, in
warm fire and covered me up as best the case of second lieutenant Barbara
they could. I’m sure what they did for “Heiny” Demetria, a single unfortu-
me saved my life. nate incident that draws the attention

Our 1st and 2nd battalions were
coming through, and the Chinese had
to leave. I opened the door and yelled
for help. They [the Americans] heard
me and found me. I thanked God!

I love you and have an idea that I
will be seeing you soon.

P.S. What’s left of the squad would
still like to have your cookies!

82 october 2020

Best of America

of the chain of command, in this case, found out the names of the dead. [Car-
a future U.S. secretary of defense. roll recalls Webber later telling him
that he never did find out who fired
We were trudging over to the Combat the mortars.]
Operations Center. General Mattis,
as in the commanding general of the I sleep in a prison cell, literally. It
entire 1st Marine Division, had his was part of Saddam Hussein’s most
back to the entrance. I was heading notorious torture center. I eat breakfast
through the passageway when I felt where he killed 30,000 Iraqis over the
myself slip. Almost in slow motion, I last 10 years ...
thought “Noooooooo!” as I tumbled—
headfirst!—into his butt. Yes, my head; Yesterday a kid, who couldn’t have
his butt. Now, every time I see him, I been any older than 4, pointed a stick
blush, and he smiles, thinking (I’m at me like a rifle and pretended to
sure), “Yup, that’s the girl.” shoot me. I wonder if someday my kids
will meet him on some distant battle-
Love, “Heiny” field. I pray to God that if I have a son,
he never has to go to war. That would
Iraq War tear my heart out.

This e-mail from Stephen Webber, I feel very bad for my family. I know
a Marine serving in Iraq in 2004, that I am putting them through hell.
was sent to his friends at St. Louis Uni- Sometimes I feel guilty for not just
versity, a Jesuit college in Missouri. studying abroad. If you get a chance,
hug your mom for me. My mom is
Over Christmas, my infantry battal- 9,000 miles and six months away. I
ion was activated and instead of go- would do anything to give her a hug
ing back to school, I am spending the right now. I miss her a lot.
spring in Iraq. I am between Fallujah
and Baghdad, in the heart of the Sunni I can’t speak for all, but for most of
Triangle. These are random observa- us it seems that our biggest concern
tions from my war. It is not complete. is not getting killed but getting left
It will probably all change tomorrow. behind.
Forgive me if it’s not organized, living
in the land of insanity makes it diffi- It feels that everyone back in the
cult to be coherent ... world is getting on with their lives,
finishing school, getting jobs or intern-
Twenty-some Iraqis were killed here ships, making friends, planning their
yesterday by mortars at about 2 in the future—and we are frozen in time.
afternoon. The rounds landed about When I get back, friends will be gone,
650 feet from me. Today their relatives innocence will be lost, and things will
have changed. I just want things to be
the way they used to be ...

Stephen RD

rd.com 83

Reader’s Digest

DRAMA IN REAL LIFE

THE SNAKE’S

REVENGE

When Jeremy Sutcliffe decapitated
the poisonous rattler threatening
his wife, he assumed that would be the
end of the story. He was wrong.

By Nicholas Hune-Brown

illustration by Steven P. Hughes

rd.com | october 2020 85

Reader’s Digest

B efore the incident—before his body became a battle-
ground for competing poisons and his story the subject
of zoological curiosity—Jeremy Sutcliffe had actually
liked snakes. He’d found them beautiful, even.
Besides, the tattooed 40-year-old When he heard his wife’s cry, Jer-
wasn’t someone who shied away from emy figured she had run into one
wild creatures. He was an avid out- of the harmless rat snakes that of-
doorsman who took every chance he ten showed up on the property. He
could to camp and fish. That love of grabbed a shovel to shoo the creature
nature was part of the reason Jeremy away and jogged around the house to
and his wife, Jennifer Sutcliffe, 43, the garden. That was when he heard
had recently moved to South Texas the rattling. His wife was cornered be-
from Kansas. The place they’d bought tween some shrubbery and the house,
on Lake Corpus Christi, a short drive the snake directly in her path.
from the Gulf of Mexico, was their
dream home. Or it was going to be. Jeremy first tried to scoop up the
rattler using the shovel, without suc-
At the moment, they were living cess. Then he did what was neces-
in a trailer on their one-acre lot, and sary: He raised the garden tool and
the house was still a fixer-upper. brought the edge down hard through
A “total gut job,” Jeremy called it, with the snake’s body, an inch and a half
the pride of someone who plans on below the head, decapitating it.
doing the gutting himself.
Jennifer went into the house, her
On a steamy Sunday morning in May heart hammering, while Jeremy headed
2018, the couple were tidying their yard back to mowing. About ten minutes
in preparation for an evening cookout later, when Jennifer said she was go-
with their daughter and her two young ing to let their two small dogs out, he
children. At around 10:30 a.m., Jeremy decided to move the dead reptile. He
began mowing the lawn while Jennifer looked at the creature lying limp on the
worked on the garden. She had just ground. Its head, attached to a stub of
reached down to grab a weed when body, rested on a paving stone.
she saw it: a western diamondback
rattlesnake, right next to her hand. He bent down to pick up a stick ly-
ing next to the snake’s head so that
Jennifer leaped up as the snake, a he could flick it away. But before his
yard long, rose into striking position, hand even touched the ground, the
its dusty triangular head tensed and snake attacked—a blur of motion as
its tail rattling. “Snake!” yelled Jenni- the creature launched itself forward.
fer as she backed away. “Snake!” Burying its fangs in Jeremy’s right

86 october 2020

Drama in Real Life

hand all the way down to the bone, husband struggling with the rattle-

the snake injected venom that imme- snake’s head, one thought flashed

diately made his hand feel as if it had through her mind: He needs medical

been smashed by a massive weight. “It attention—now. She ran back into the

bit me!” he yelled in horror. trailer to get the car keys while Jeremy

For Jeremy, it was like something continued to yank at the snake’s head

out of a zombie movie—an undead until finally the fangs came loose and

creature’s final act of revenge. But the he could fling the viper away. Jenni-

truth is, these back-from-the-dead fer told her husband to get in the car.

bites aren’t uncommon. A decapitated She drove out onto the broiling Texas

snake is like a chicken with its head asphalt, already on the phone with a

cut off, only with a much longer sur- 911 dispatcher. They were more than

vival time because it’s a cold-blooded a half hour away from the nearest hos-

reptile with a slow metabolism. In pital, and Jennifer had no idea which

that moment, however, all Jeremy was of the medical centers in the area had

thinking about was that the snake he’d antivenom. All she knew was that they

killed was now trying to kill him. The didn’t have much time.

creature’s jaws were clamped around Jennifer had always been unflap-

his hand. Desperate to free himself, pable under pressure. In Texas, she

Jeremy inserted the

fingers of his left

hand beneath the

snake’s upper jaw

and tried to pry the

fangs free. He man-

aged to remove one

of the fangs from his

middle finger, but

as he tried to pull

the head loose, the

viper’s jaw clenched

courtesy jennifer sutcliffe again, burying the

fang in his ring fin-

ger this time.

At the sound of

his cr y, Jennifer,

a trained nurse,

had come running. When Jennifer, a trained nurse, saw the snake attached to her

When she saw her husband, Jeremy, she realized: He needs antivenom—fast.

rd.com 87

Reader’s Digest

was a nurse consultant, but back when situation. While she worked, he would
she’d worked in hospitals, she’d been slowly create their dream home.
the go-to person for CPR—someone
colleagues would turn to when com- Now, as Jennifer sped down the
petence and quick thinking could be highway, she could feel that fantasy
the difference between life and death. slipping away. On the phone, the
911 dispatcher was directing her to
She’d known her husband for their a spot where an ambulance would
entire adult lives. They met in the meet them to bring her husband to
summer of 1993, when they were both the nearest hospital. Mere minutes
students working at a nursing home. after being bitten, however, Jeremy
She liked his sparkling blue eyes and was already feeling the effects of the
the fact that he was kind. The two be- venom coursing through his body.
came friends, then more. When he blinked, he saw nothing
but blackness. “I can’t see,” he said,
They were married a couple of years panic in his voice, before passing out.
later and went on to have a son and a Jennifer shook her husband with one
daughter. Jeremy was handy, a builder hand while keeping the other on the
wheel. Jeremy woke up, only to pass
THE DECAPITATED out again. Then he began having a
SNAKE HAD NOTHING seizure. The 911 operator told Jenni-
TO LOSE, SO IT EMPTIED fer to pull over and wait in front of a
ITS VENOM INTO HIM. church for the paramedics.

and a tinkerer who worked installing Finally, after the longest 15 min-
heating and air-conditioning. He al- utes of her life—during which Jeremy
ways seemed to be helping out one alternated between babbling incoher-
neighbor or another. ently and losing consciousness—the
paramedics arrived. They transferred
In 2011, at age 34, Jeremy was diag- Jeremy to the ambulance and raced
nosed with Guillain-Barré syndrome, down the highway, with Jennifer
a rare and mysterious condition that close behind. After just ten minutes,
causes the immune system to at- the ambulance pulled over into the
tack healthy nerve cells. The disease parking lot of an abandoned build-
left Jeremy weak and exhausted, un- ing. When Jennifer pulled up, the
able to work more than a few hours a paramedics told her that her hus-
day, but the couple got through it to- band was in bad shape. His blood
gether. When they bought the house pressure had plummeted, and they
in Corpus Christi, it felt like the ideal were worried he wasn’t going to make
it to the hospital, still half an hour
away. Instead of driving, they were

88 october 2020

Drama in Real Life

sending for a helicopter that would get her husband, desperately trying to get
him to a different emergency room his blood pressure up. Just two hours
in ten minutes. Moments later, the after being bitten, his right hand was
chopper touched down and whisked enormous and swollen, an angry red
Jeremy away. creeping up his forearm.

Rattlesnake venom is a miracle of She watched with her nurse’s eyes as
evolution—a complex cocktail of en- doctors gave him a host of treatments—
zymes and proteins that, when injected cryoprecipitate and vitamin K to clot
into a victim’s bloodstream, acts like a the blood, and dose after dose of anti-
powerful blood thinner, destroying venom. The average snakebite victim is
skin tissue and blood cells and caus- given two to four doses of antivenom.
ing internal hemorrhaging. A rattle- In total, Jeremy received 26.
snake’s fangs are connected to venom
glands at the back of its head. Snakes Jennifer knew IVs: If a patient
can control how much venom they needed fluid quickly, you simply in-
inject, and because producing venom creased the flow, turning a drip into a
takes energy, they typically don’t want steady trickle. But the doctors had put
to waste it. When cornered, an adult an IV bag in an inflatable sleeve that
rattlesnake will usually deliver a light they’d pumped up like a blood pres-
defensive strike to scare off a threat. sure cuff, literally squeezing fluid into
her husband’s body as fast as they
A snake that has been decapitated, could. She’d never seen anything like
however, has nothing to lose, so the it before. The sight terrified her.
snake that bit Jeremy emptied its
venom glands into his hand. When At 5 p.m., after five hours of work-
Jennifer got to the emergency de- ing on Jeremy, the doctors came to
partment at Christus Spohn Hospi- a decision. His organs were failing—
tal Corpus Christi–Shoreline, about they needed to induce a coma and put
an hour and 15 minutes after Jeremy him on a ventilator. Jennifer numbly
did, she found a hectic scene. There agreed.
were six or seven doctors working on
At around 3 a.m., one of the doctors
approached her. Her husband wasn’t

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rd.com 89

Reader’s Digest

Left: Jeremy during a dialysis treatment, one month after being bitten.
Right: The rattlesnake’s head—severed but still dangerous.

doing well. His blood pressure was Over the next half hour, she stood courtesy jennifer sutcliffe
still dangerously low. The mean arter- by her husband’s side in the ICU,
ial pressure (MAP) that doctors were her eyes glued to the monitor next
looking for was 65—anything lower to his bed. Slowly, miraculously, Jer-
and the heart can’t push blood emy’s blood pressure ticked up as she
through the body. They had Jeremy on watched. It made it to 65, then 70. The
the maximum dosage of four medica- doctors began taking him off the med-
tions designed to increase his blood ications, and his pressure remained
pressure, but his MAP refused to stable. By sunrise the following day,
budge above 60. “We’re at the point the worst was over.
where there’s nothing else we can do,”
the doctor said. There was a good On May 31, five days after the rattle-
chance Jeremy wouldn’t make it snake that he killed nearly killed
through the night. him, Jeremy emerged from his coma
and found himself in a strange hos-
Jennifer felt her heart plummet. She pital room. His mind was foggy. His
hadn’t registered the gravity of the entire body was swollen with more
situation somehow. She went to her than 40  pounds of water weight.
husband’s bedside and grabbed his Pain radiated from his legs, his arms,
hand. “You find that venom and you his bowels, everywhere. But as he
push it out of your body,” she ordered. looked around, he saw that he was
“You can’t die.”

90 october 2020

Drama in Real Life

surrounded by family: his daughter “When I first came to and things
and her children, his son, Jennifer. were all right, I’d cry a lot and think
about all the dumb things I’d done,
The next weeks were difficult. The the people I’ve hurt,” Jeremy says. He
mixture of venom and antivenom remembered skipping his kids’ events
had caused severe kidney damage, or ignoring Jennifer while he was
and Jeremy needed dialysis. The off working on a neighbor’s house.
toxins had left him with gallstones, It wasn’t that he’d done anything
kidney stones, and fierce abdominal so terrible—just that his new perspec-
pain. He was so weak he couldn’t tive suddenly made every misstep
stand. The medical expenses piled seem like a tragic waste. The experi-
up—close to $60,000—so the couple ence had changed him. “The things
started a GoFundMe page to help pay that used to matter don’t feel like they
for the battery of treatments. The fin- matter as much,” he says. “My wife
gers of Jeremy’s right hand were badly and my family seem so much more
wounded; the doctors tried skin grafts important now.”
but were unsuccessful. In the end,
they were forced to amputate his ring In late June 2018, Jeremy was re-
and middle fingers. leased from the hospital and the
couple moved back to their dream-
For anyone else, the loss of two fin- home-in-progress. And one evening
gers would be devastating. But Jeremy in July, they finally had the cookout
didn’t see it that way. After getting a they’d been planning. Their daughter
glimpse of the worst, he was feeling and grandchildren came over, as did a
positive. About a month after the bite, neighbor. Everyone sat out in the gar-
his kidneys were working well enough den eating hamburgers, grilled corn,
for doctors to take him off dialysis. “I’d and potatoes and enjoying the warm
trade a couple of fingers for my kid- Texas air. The Sutcliffes paused to take
neys coming back,” he said. it all in. This was their paradise, and
no snake could change that. RD
Lying in a hospital bed, slowly
recovering, he had time to think.

She’s Not Exactly Extra Sharp

Miley from Vancouver, Washington, had been diligently washing her hands to
avoid COVID-19 only to find that her cleaning agent was largely worthless—

unless she wanted to make a sandwich. Turns out she’d been scrubbing
up with an old piece of Tillamook cheddar cheese. “It was a couple days of

‘Why isn’t this foaming?!’” she wrote on reddit.com.
“I suspect I left it out when I was intoxicated and just forgot.”

rd.com 91

LAUGHTER

The best Medicine

“Master, Rex wants to know if you’re through playing with the stick.”

My neighbor was did you manage that?” A pastor received a let-
working in his yard “The last time I went ter from a congregant.
when suddenly a car It had only one word
came crashing through to my doctor,” she ex- written on it—FOOL.
his hedge and ended plained, “he asked to
up on his front lawn. see my license. Then “Well,” said the pas-
He rushed to help the he said, ‘You won’t be tor, “the sender signed
driver, an elderly lady. needing this anymore,’ the letter but didn’t
“You appear a bit old cut it up, and threw it write anything else!”
to be driving,” he said. away. So I thanked him —Submitted by
and drove home!” Patty Warrick
“I am!” she replied Windermere, Florida
proudly. “I’m so old —planet proctor newsletter
that I don’t even need
a license anymore.” I know I’m ugly. When I open the door on
Halloween, the kids give me candy.
“Really?” he asked
skeptically. “And how —Rodney Dangerfield, comedian

92 october 2020 Cartoon by Joe di Chiarro

Reader’s Digest

gene wang/getty images A psychiatrist and a THERE’S AN ERROR (MESSAGE)
proctologist opened a ON THE PLAY
practice together. They
put an ad in the local The Chinese Professional Baseball League played
paper asking what the most of last season in empty stadiums, but the
sign out front should Rakuten Monkeys had a home-field advantage. Their
read. Suggestions owners stocked the seats with robots. If only they’d
started rolling in: been programmed to lob heckles like these:
✦ Minds & Behinds
✦ Catatonics & High ✦ “Hey, batter! You swing like your tension-
Colonics amplification mechanism was sent to the wrong
✦ Nuts & Butts 3D printer!”
✦ Loons & Moons ✦ “C’mon, let’s score some runs! If I wanted to look
at zeros and ones all day, I would’ve gone to work!”
They finally settled ✦ “ERR-OR! ERR-OR! Your suckiness at fielding
on Odds & Ends. does not compute!”
✦ “Look alive out there, team! You’re the ones with
—bouldertherapist.com consciousness, remember?”
✦ “These guys make how much money? They haven’t
My friend decided to even been programmed not to spit!”
walk to the edge of the
earth to prove that it’s —newyorker.com
flat. He came around
eventually. Got a funny joke? It could be worth $$$.
—AC_Adapter For details, go to rd.com/submit.
on reddit.com

What Do You Call ...
… a tailor who only
alters pants?
A slacker.
— @ThugRacoons
… a rock band whose
members can’t stop
washing their hands?
OC/DC.
—Submitted by
David Silsbury
Carpinteria, California

rd.com 93

NATIONAL INTEREST

Saving Henry’s

Last
Leg

Black patients lose limbs to diabetes
at three times the rate that others do. One doctor

is on a mission to spare them this unjust fate.

By Lizzie Presser

from propublica

94 october 2020 | rd.com Photographs by Ruddy Roye for ProPublica

Reader’s Digest

Henry Dotstry
was in danger

of losing
his other leg.

Reader’s Digest National Interest

WAS A FRIDAY EVENING in the a nurse to undress the wound on
hospital after a particularly grueling Henry’s left foot and then slipped on
week when Foluso Fakorede, MD, the nitrile gloves to examine the damage.
only cardiologist in Bolivar County, Henry’s calf had swelled to nearly the
Mississippi, walked into room 336. size of his thigh. The tops of his toes
Henry Dotstry lay on a cot, his gray were dark; his sole was yellow, oozing.
curls puffed on a pillow. Dr. Fakorede Dr. Fakorede’s gut clenched. It’s rot-
smelled the circumstances—a ran- ten, he thought.
cid whiff, like dead mice. He asked
He peeled off his gloves and read

96 october 2020

According
to Dr. Foluso

Fakorede,
amputations

should be a
last resort.

over Henry’s chart: He was 67, had Dr. Fakorede scanned the room.
never smoked. His ultrasound results He has quick, piercing eyes, a shaved
showed that the circulation in his leg head, and, at 38, the frame of an ama-
was poor. Uncontrolled diabetes, it teur bodybuilder. Henry was still. His
seemed, had constricted the blood mouth arched downward, and faint
flow to his foot, and without it, the in- eyebrows sat high above his lids, giv-
fection would not heal. A surgeon had ing him a look of disbelief. Next to his
typed up his recommendation. It be- cot stood a flesh-colored prosthesis,
gan: “Mr. Dotstry has limited options.” balancing in a black sneaker.

rd.com 97

Reader’s Digest

“How’d you lose that other leg?” Dr. bodies resist insulin or their pan-
Fakorede asked. Henry was tired, and creases don’t produce enough, mak-
a stroke had slowed his recall. Diabe- ing their blood sugar levels rise.
tes had recently taken his right leg,
below the knee. An amputation of his Genetics plays a role in the condi-
left would leave him in a wheelchair. tion, but so do obesity and nutrition:
High-fat meals, sugary foods, and not
Dr. Fakorede explained that he enough fiber, along with little exercise,
wasn’t the kind of doctor who cuts. amplify the risk. Poverty can double
He was there because he could test the odds of developing diabetes, and
circulation, get blood flowing, and try it also dictates the chances of an am-
to prevent any amputation that wasn’t putation. One major study mapped di-
necessary. He hated that doctors abetic amputations across California,
hadn’t screened Henry earlier—when and it found that the lowest-income
he’d had the stroke or lost his leg. neighborhoods had amputation rates
“Your legs are twins,” he said. “What ten times higher than the richest.
happens in one happens in the other.”
Dr. Fakorede, who was born in Ni-
Henry needed an immediate an- geria and moved to New Jersey as a
giogram, an imaging test that would teenager, came to practice in Missis-
show blockages in his arteries. He also sippi five years ago. But he has spent
needed a revascularization procedure years studying health disparities.
to clean them out, with a thin cath- African Americans develop chronic
eter that shaves plaque and tiny bal- diseases a decade earlier than their
loons to widen blood vessels. His foot White counterparts; they are twice as
was decaying, fast. Dr. Fakorede had likely to die from diabetes; and they
grown obsessed with legs, infuriated live, on average, three years fewer. A
by the toll of amputations on African growing body of evidence shows how
Americans. His billboards on Highway racial biases throughout the medical
61, running up the Mississippi Delta, system mean worse results for African
announced his ambitions: “Amputa- Americans. Research also shows that
tion Prevention Institute.” Black patients are more responsive to,
and more trustful of, Black doctors.
Diabetics undergo 130,000 amputa-
tions each year. Often these amputees Dr. Fakorede fantasized about
are from low-income and under- building a cardiovascular institute
insured neighborhoods, and Black and recruiting a multidisciplinary
patients lose limbs at a rate triple that team, from electrophysiologists to
of others. About 34 million people in podiatrists. But as he researched what
America have diabetes, and Missis- it would take, he found a major bar-
sippi has some of the highest rates. rier: a shortage of doctors in the Delta.
The vast majority have type 2; their Though Bolivar County was at the

98 october 2020