Chicago Tribune - 05 May 2024

FAMILY LIFE their parents relied on them for the same. About seven in 10 parents of young adults said their children asked them for advice, especially about finances, careers, health and parenting. That’s a change from when they were young — half said they rarely or never asked their parents for advice. There were gender differences: Young adults were somewhat more likely to say they had a good relationship with their mother than their father. Young women communicated with their parents more frequently than young men. There is also an increasing understanding that children have different needs, and decreasing stigma around helping them, said Mark McConville, a clinical psychologist in Cleveland. Consider a bright teenager with ADHD, he said. A generation ago, his potential might have been written off. Now, it’s much more likely that his parents identify the issue and find programs to support him. He said a small subset of young adults struggle with starting independent lives (the subject of his book, “Failure to Launch: WhenYour Twentysomething Hasn’t Grown Up … and What to Do About It”). But overall, “this new prioritization of their relationship with their kids and attending to their kids’ needs” helps children succeed, he said. Economic factors have changed, too. Young people are more likely than in their parents’ generation to have student debt — 43 percent do in their late 20s, compared with 28 percent when their parents were that age, Pew found — and are buying homes later, if at all. Partly asaconsequence, parents support their children financially for longer periods — one-third of young adults told Pew they were not financially independent from their parents. They are more likely to live with their parents than the previous generation. And a majority of adult children living at home and parents in that situation said it had a positive effect on their relationship. “There’satwo-way street going on that I think we need to acknowledge,” Professor Fingerman said. “They’re not all kids living in the basement being pampered. They’re kids having relationships with their parents that are good ones.” Most Young Adults Text Their Parents Often Percentage of young people who say they reach out to a parent at least once a day or a few times a week. Young women are more likely to do it. Young men Young women Send texts Phone or video-chat Visit in person 0 25% 50% 75% 100% Source: Pew Research Center, Oct. 24 to Nov. 5, 2023 | Questions were asked of those ages 18 to 34 who didn’t live with at least one parent. THE NEWYORK TIMES 30 THE NEW YORK TIMES

Wellness Programs at Work, But Are They Actually Helping? A study measured the effect of popular mental health interventions, and found little to none. By Ellen Barry EMPLOYEE MENTAL HEALTH services have become a billion-dollar industry. New hires are presented with a panoply of digital wellness solutions, mindfulness seminars, massage classes, resilience workshops, coaching sessions and sleep apps. These programs are a point of pride for forward-thinking human resource departments, evidence that employers care about their workers. But a British researcher who analyzed survey responses from 46,336 workers at companies that offered such programs found that people who participated in them were no better off than colleagues who did not. The study, published in Industrial Relations Journal, considered the outcomes of 90 interventions and found a single exception: Workers who were given the opportunity to do charity or volunteer work did seem to have improved well-being. None of the other offerings — apps, coaching, relaxation classes, courses in time management or financial health—had any positive effect. Trainings on resilience and stress management actually appeared to have a negative effect. “It’safairly controversial finding, that these very popular programs were not effective,” said William J. Fleming, the author of the study and a fellow at Oxford University’s Wellbeing Research Center. Dr. Fleming’s analysis suggests that employers concerned about workers’ mental health would do better to focus on “core organizational practices” like schedules, pay and performance reviews. Dr. Fleming’s study is based on responses to the Britain’s Healthiest Workplace survey in 2017 and 2018 from workers at 233 organizations, with financial and insurance service workers, younger workers and women slightly overrepresented. The data captured workers at a point in time, rather than tracking them before and after treatment. It compared well-being measures from workers who participated in wellness programs with those of their colleagues who did not. Companies invest in wellness interventions in hopes of saving money overall by improving worker health and productivity. Adam Chekroud, a founder of Spring Health and an assistant professor of psychiatry at Yale, said Dr. Fleming’s study examined interventions that were “not highly credible” and measured well-being many months later. A blanket dismissal of corporate wellness services, he said, risks “throwing the baby out with the bath water.” “There is recent and highly credible data that things like mental health programs do improve all those metrics,” Dr. Chekroud said. Dr. Fleming said that he was aware of the body of research supporting the treatments’ effectiveness, but that he had “never been as convinced by the positive findings,” since the data comes from controlled trials in which the treatment is implemented very well, something that may not be the case in employer-provided programs.

How to Actually Work Out With YKids who have active parents are more likely to be active themselves, reBy Holly Burns FOR PARENTS OF young kids, it can be hard to prioritize exercise. Children need things — a snack, a ride, a person to explain fractions — and usually just as you’re lacing up your running shoes or laying out the yoga mat. Instead of skipping your workout, consider looping your little ones in. Not only will exercising together combine family time and fitness, but it’s also a way to model healthy habits. Research suggests that children with active parents are more likely to be active themselves and to grow up to be active adults. Adding kids to the mix means you might need to “let go of the idea that you’re going to get a perfect workout,” said Kelly Bryant, a coach with the fitness app Future, who often exercises with her 5-year-old and toddler. Still, there are plenty of ways to make your workout a decent one. GIVE KIDS A ROLE IN YOUR WORKOUT People often think they need to find a child-specific activity, Ms. Bryant said, like a dance party or a Disney yoga video. “But really, any body-weight workout is going to be pretty kid-friendly,” she said. Her own children enjoy exercises that involve jumping, like squat jumps, lateral jumps, jump rope, ladder drills and jumping jacks. “Kids love a burpee,” Ms. Bryant said. Do the moves together or turn it into a partner workout, suggested Jess Sims, a Peloton instructor who leads family-friendly classes. You might hold a plank while your child does five jumping jacks and five squats, for example. Then you switch, alternating moves for five minutes. If kids lose interest in participating, reenlist them as trainers. Ask them to count your reps or run a timer on your phone, Ms. Bryant said. “Or have them hand you a block every time you finish a set,” she suggested. “Anything where you give them responsibility and authority, they’re very into it.” TURN EXERCISE INTO A GAME Ms. Sims often uses “listening games” in her adult classes, where participants increase their speed when they hear certain words in a song. With kids, do jumping jacks to a song your child likes, and choose a move you’ll do when you hear a particular phrase. For example, “every time you hear Beyoncé say ‘break my soul,’ you do a push-up,” Ms. Sims said. Or march in place together through the verses, then do mountain climbers during the chorus. Propose a game of “exercise charades,” which Marc Santa Maria, a vice president at Crunch Fitness, often plays with his husband and 9-year-old twins. Everyone writes a few strength moves or yoga poses on paper, then takes turns picking from a bowl. “You start doing the move, and everyone copies you,” he explained. After 30 seconds, people can yell out the name of the exercise.

MELANIE METZ FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES Your Children search suggests. ‘Anything where you give them responsibility and authority, they’re very into it.’ BE CREATIVE WITH GETTING IN A RUN If it’s not too cold out, set up a race circuit in a park or an open area. You might challenge your child to ride a bike around a certain route while you do crunches, Ms. Bryant suggested, and then you run that route when your child returns. Do a few laps of the circuit, and try to beat your best time. “My kids will do anything if it’s a race,” she said. To get some sprints in, head to a public tennis or basketball court with a bag of small, light items, Mr. Santa Maria said. Run back and forth with your child, moving the items from one end of the court to the other — give yourself twice as many items — and time yourselves to see who can finish first. Kids on bikes or scooters can also LIVING WELL 31

32 THE NEW YORK TIMES FAMILY LIFE Marc Santa Maria, near left, a vice president at Crunch Fitness, recommended bringing toys into the workout. Pass a stuffed animal over your head between sit-ups or toss a ball back and forth, doing a squat before throwing it back. Opposite page: Kelly Bryant, a fitness coach, with her 5-year-old daughter. HANA ASANO FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES make great pacers while you run alongside them, Ms. Bryant said. Or for something a little easier, alternate running and walking intervals together. “That’s how kids run anyway,” she said. MAKE USE OFTHE PLAYGROUND A playground can be a great place to get in a full-body workout, Mr. Santa Maria said. Warm up by doing lateral shuffles around the perimeter in each direction, then use the playground equipment to create several stations for cardio, core and exercises for the upper and lower body. For example, on a swing, “I’d jump off and land in a wide stance, then do 10 squats,” Mr. Santa Maria said. Do pull-ups on the monkey bars, tricep dips on a bench and stepups on the stairs to the slide, he suggested. The key is that while your child is playing, he said, “you want to take advantage of the things that are already there.” EMBRACE SCREEN TIME Many streaming fitness platforms, like Peloton and Crunch+, have family classes online, but if you don’t subscribe, YouTube can be a gold mine of free workout videos. Ms. Bryant said that “squirmy kids” like her daughter may prefer AcroYoga, which combines yoga and acrobatics, to regular yoga, particularly if they can do it on a trampoline. They also do step aerobics videos together, with her child using the bottom step of a staircase or “the type of stool every parent has in front of the bathroom sink.” Mr. Santa Maria said he will also sometimes stream an exercise video on mute and put on his kids’ favorite soundtrack so they can sing along while he works out. Whether you stack a few of these ideas or have time for only one, don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t feel as gratifying as a workout without kids. “Any movement is great movement,” Ms. Sims said.

Who Has the Secret to Well-Being? The Answer May Surprise You. Toddlers — full of energy, curiosity and laughter — have a lot to teach adults, experts say. By Jancee Dunn WHEN IT COMES to happiness, we can learn a lot from toddlers. Hasan Merali, an associate professor of pediatrics at McMaster University and a pediatric emergency room physician, has treated thousands of patients ages 1 to 5. In his book, “Sleep Well, Take Risks, Squish the Peas: Secrets From the Science of Toddlers for a Happier, More Successful Way of Life,” he writes that this group has an undeserved bad reputation. “A term I dislike very much is ‘terrible twos,’” he said. “Or‘threenagers.’Can you imagine if we labeled another age group like this?” Yes, he said, toddlers have tantrums, but research suggests that they occur, on average, once a day, and last three minutes. The rest of the time, Dr. Merali said, toddlers are models of wellbeing. He shared a few good habits, common among the under-5 crowd, that can improve your health. Try positive self-talk. Young children tend to coach themselves out loud, a practice known as private speech. Toddlers aren’t shy about self-talk, Dr. Merali said, and you shouldn’t be, either. Research suggests that positive self-talk can help with problem-solving, learning, confidence and managing emotions. Take any opportunity to move. Twoyear-olds are active for almost five hours a day, research shows. They move joyfully and instinctively, Dr. Merali said. Adults can look for ways to move more, even if it’s just for a minute. Brief bursts of activity have been shown to increase longevity if they add up to 10 minutes per day. Standing up for three minutes every half-hour can help control your blood sugar, too. Ask questions. Young kids are not afraid to pose questions, Dr. Merali said. One study found that they asked an average of 107 questions an hour. Adults have been socialized to hold back our questions, Dr. Merali said. But asking questions not only helps us to gain information, it’s also an important way to build relationships, he said. Look for opportunities to laugh. One study found that young children laugh six times as much as adults. But we can seek ways to build playfulness and humor into our day. Listen to a comedy podcast or trade silly texts with someone, Dr. Merali said. Research shows you laugh more when you are with friends, so make time for them. NICOLÁS ORTEGA

Why So Many Families Are PriceSuburban parents sacrifice time and money to keep their children in comBy Jessica Grose EVER SINCE MY 2022 interview with Linda Flanagan, the author of “Take Back the Game,” about how money is ruining youth sports, lots of parents have come to me with their complaints on the topic. I hear most frequently about the expense and time-suck of travel sports. I can’t open a social media app without seeing posts joking that you might need a mortgage broker to pay for a tech suit for swim meets, or about how “having kids involved in sports is fun, if you like coming home & eating dinner at 10 p.m.” The typical grouse goes like this: My kid loves soccer, and I want her to have an opportunity to play through high school. For that to happen, I have to start her in travel soccer in third grade, because all the other kids trying out for the high school team will have started it in third grade. But travel soccer costs thousands of dollars a year, my child is exhausted, and traveling to games almost every weekend is putting strain on my other kids. Don’t even get me started about schlepping to practices all week long. According to the Aspen Institute’s Project Play, in fall 2022, the average amount spent on a single child’s primary sport per season was $833. For families with household incomes at or above $150,000 a year, the average is $2,068. No wonder that around half of those who have played or have children who have played youth sports say they have struggled to pay for it, according to a 2023 Project Play report. That doesn’t address the difficulty of getting to practices. I thought that the Covid era might have forced a reset in which parents lobbied for change. But when I called Ms. Flanagan back to get her take on the past couple of years, she told me she senses that the intensity around youth sports is even greater now because “parents feel like they’ve fallen behind during the pandemic and now they have to catch up.” To recap our 2022 discussion, since the 1970s, we’ve cut funding for parks and recreation departments, with a notable drop during the Great Recession. With the potential for billions of dollars to be made, the youth sports industrial complex became more expensive and demanding. As private travel leagues with high fees and top-caliber coaches have skimmed off the best players, it’s become a vicious cycle, with underfunded local rec leagues struggling to compete. In defense of the parents sacrificing so much for those travel leagues, they are making a rational decision in an absurd market. “This is absolutely, positively 100 percent a suburban thing,” said Rick Eckstein, a professor of sociology at Villanova University who wrote “How College Athletics Are Hurting Girls’ Sports: The Pay-to-Play Pipeline.” The differences between the haves and

LIVING WELL 33 ed Out of Youth Sports mpetitive leagues. on youth sports. Athletes at elite schools are “disproportionately white, suburban and wealthy,” and notably, at Harvard, they argued, athletes tended to have lower academic credentials than the average admitted student. They wrote: “Children lacking resources (or accessibility) to enter or remain in the pipelines are invisible to college recruiters and are denied the astounding admissions advantages offered to recruited athletes.” Tom Farrey, the executive director of the sports and society program at Aspen, agrees that getting rid of admissions preferences for athletes “would turn down the temperature in a lot of youth sports.” It wouldn’t fix the system entirely, but if “you remove that potential return on investment down the line, I think you begin to add a little more sanity to the system.” I’m not optimistic that this will happen, because pay-to-play youth sports are an estimated $30 billion to $40 billion industry. And despite increased risk of injury and burnout among ever younger athletes from early specializing and year-round play, many families are committed to the status quo (even though a very small percentage of athletes will play at the collegiate level, and an even smaller percentage will get scholarships). But Mr. Farrey pointed out some positive changes that have increased access to physical activity for children regardless of family income. He highlighted Cambridge, Mass., which reinvigorated its rec soccer league, doubling the number of players from 2014 to 2022. The city provided more avenues for players from wealthier families to support their less-well-off teammates. The parks and recreation department also tried to make sure that the rec leagues could use fields at preferred times, rather than having travel teams get those slots. But this kind of change takes a concerted effort from parents, local governments and, hopefully, private businesses that can contribute to the cause. We should make that effort because all children deserve an opportunity to get exercise, develop a lifelong love of physical activity and experience on-field competition. ELEANOR DAVIS have-nots when it comes to youth sports are bracing: 34.1 percent of youngsters from the poorest families were on sports teams or had coaching outside of school, compared with 67.7 percent from the wealthiest families, according to the 2020-21 National Survey of Children’s Health. Wealthier families may also see the investment in sports as a boost into elite colleges. Last year, in an opinion essay for Inside Higher Ed, Ms. Flanagan and Mr. Eckstein called for ending admissions preferences for athletes because they are one reason that so much money is spent

34 THE NEW YORK TIMES FAMILY LIFE So You’re in Love With a Bad SleSharing a bed with a restless partner doesn’t have to be torture, experts By Catherine Pearson MY HUSBAND IS a restless sleeper. He thrashes around, yanks the comforter up to his chin, then flings it off seconds later — at which point he is often covered in sweat. When I asked him whether this was an accurate description of his sleep habits, he said not to leave out that he consistently wakes up around 2 a.m. and fiddles on his phone. Fortunately, I have always been a heavy sleeper. But as I move into middle age, I am more sensitive to his restlessness. Now, when I’m feeling rundown after a night of interrupted sleep, resentment creeps in. Sleeping well is complicated when more than one person is involved, said Wendy Troxel, a senior behavioral scientist at the RAND Corporation and the author of “Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep.” Many people relish the sense of safety and security that can come from sharing a bed with a partner, she said, but in some couplings “the level of disturbance starts to override the psychological benefits.” A January 2023 survey from SleepFoundation.org found that 53 percent of those polled who had decided to sleep separately said it improved their sleep quality. But a socalled “sleep divorce” isn’t the only option. We asked Dr. Troxel and other experts for some practical strategies for managing bedtime with a restless sleeper. LOOK FOR AN UNDERLYING ISSUE “Restless sleeper” is a broad, nonclinical term that people tend to use for someone who drifts in and out of sleep or moves around a lot, said Philip Gehrman, an associate professor of clinical psychology in the psychiatry department at Penn Medicine. But sometimes “restless” sleepers really have an underlying sleep disorder. Encourage your partner to check in with their primary care physician, he said, who may recommend a sleep clinic or specialist to perform an overnight sleep study, which looks for conditions like restless legs syndrome, sleep apnea or chronic insomnia. “People are so afraid to get a sleep study, because they think they’re going to have to sleep in a lab and have all these wires” attached, said Shelby Harris, a clinical associate professor of neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York City. But, she added, noninvasive home-based sleep studies are common, too. HACK THE BED Sometimes, restlessness is simply a sign of discomfort, and a few tweaks can have a major payoff. It may help to attach two twin mattresses with a connector, Dr. Harris said.

eeper say. Here are some tips. The time to discuss solutions is not when frustrations are high. That lets you and your partner determine how soft or firm you want your mattresses to be — which can cut down on tossing and turning. Separate blankets can also help, Dr. Troxel said, noting that her clients will sometimes drape a large comforter over both if aesthetics are a concern. RESPECT SLEEP PATTERNS Sleep patterns are partly hard-wired, and couples may run into issues when trying to CRISTINA DAURA

A Simple Way to Hearing stories benefits adults as wBy Jancee Dunn A FEW YEARS ago, my youngest sister, Heather, had a monthlong stretch of migraines. She usually managed to get through her day as a teacher, but at night, she would retreat to a dark room so the light wouldn’t worsen her headache. To distract her from the anxiety and pain, I offered to read aloud to her on speakerphone while she closed her eyes. Every evening until her migraines finally receded, I’d pick something — a short story from Jane Gardam, an essay from Samantha Irby. Heather said my voice was soothing, and reminded her of our childhood, when I read her stories (and our five-year age difference seemed a lot wider). I found that I looked forward to adult story time as much as Heather did. When we think of reading aloud, we often associate it with youngsters, said Kate DiCamillo, the author of “Because of Winn-Dixie,” which won the Newbery Medal for children’s books, and the recent “Ferris.”But grown-ups need to hear stories spoken too, she said. At book events, Ms. DiCamillo urges audiences to read to other adults. “It is an act of ILLUSsync up. Night owls may be fidgety simply because they’re not really tired yet, and that can keep a morning lark awake. “There’s this idea that, ‘Well, we have to go to bed at the same time, or else there’s something wrong with our relationship.’ No!” Dr. Gehrman said. “Maybe one person just needs to get into bed earlier than the other and get into a good, sound sleep before the night owl comes in.” Most deep sleep happens in the first third of the night, he added, so giving the earlier-to-bed partner 30 to 45 minutes before you sneak in is a good rule of thumb. LOOK WITHIN Dr. Troxel has worked with couples in which one partner has insomnia or some other issue, but misattributes his or her awakenings to a bed mate. The experts said it can help to look at your own sleep habits and hygiene and consider whether there are steps you can take to sleep more soundly — even if your partner is up. Are alcohol or caffeine fragmenting your sleep, for instance? Is stress causing you to spiral mentally any time you wake up? DESTIGMATIZETHE‘SLEEP DIVORCE’ Some partners are simply happier and more rested if they agree to sleep in separate beds, the experts said, especially if one person cannot tame their restlessness or snoring. Dr. Harris encourages such couples to reserve a few minutes for intimacy before they go to bed — maybe reading next to each other or spooning for a bit. Both partners should have their own comfortable bed or bedroom to sleep in, she said, though she acknowledged that is not always possible. Be deliberate about when you discuss sleep issues and potential solutions, too: “Not at 2 a.m.!” Dr. Troxel said — and emphasize how valuable good sleep is for each party’s health, and your overall connection. “It really is a pro-relationship behavior to openly discuss challenges that arise in that roughly one-third of our lives that we spend asleep and with our partner,” she said.

LIVING WELL 35 oBuild Intimacy: Reading Aloud well as children. Here are a few recommendations for grown-ups. love to read to somebody,” she told me. “You feel cocooned, almost. It’s kind of like everybody puts down their defenses and you’re together in the story.” Many of us learned to enjoy being read to as children, “under the crook of an arm, where ideal reading begins,” said Maryanne Wolf, a researcher and scholar at U.C.L.A.’s School of Education and Information Studies, and the author of “Reader, Come Home: The Reading Brain in a Digital World.” In adulthood, “we may not put each other under a physical crook of an arm, but we put each other under an emotional crook of the arm,” Dr. Wolf said. And research suggests the act of reading aloud may benefit the reader, too: It may improve memory, cognitive function, focus and mood. But sometimes adults have fallen out of practice, Dr. Wolf said. Here’s how to ease into it. START WITH SOMETHING SHORT Pick a person you are comfortable around, Ms. DiCamillo suggested, and begin with a brief passage like an essay or a poem. (She recommended any volume from the anthology “Poem a Day: A Wide Range of Classic and Modern Poems.”) If you’re ready to try short stories, “Binocular Vision,” a collection by Edith Pearlman, “is spectacular to read out loud,” Ms. DiCamillo said. She also recommended “Peace Like a River,” a chapter book by Leif Enger. FIND EVERYDAY OPPORTUNITIES You can read a passage to your partner before bed, Ms. DiCamillo said, or to your family during breakfast. “So every morning, the book’s right there on the kitchen table. Everybody’s in the kitchen, and you just read a chapter,” she said. Bring along a book when you’re visiting someone in the hospital or at a nursing home, she said. If that person is in pain or having difficulty concentrating, she added, try children’s literature. FOCUS ON EMOTIONAL CONNECTION Typically, Dr. Wolf said, we think about reading “as this cognitive and linguistic activity.” But it also activates empathic areas in our brain “that trigger our ability to go beyond ourselves and to reach into the thoughts and feelings of others,” she said. In the act of reading, she added, “we are transmitting emotions, we are transmitting affection.” And while reading aloud can make some of us feel self-conscious, Ms. DiCamillo said to remind yourself that this is not a test, so don’t worry about nailing every word. Reading aloud, she said, is a profound way to connect with somebody. “You’re offering yourself,” she said. “It doesn’t have to be perfect.” Need more inspiration? Celeste Ng, the author of “Our Missing Hearts,” recommended “Howl’s Moving Castle” by Diana Wynne Jones. “When I learned my husband had never even heard of one of my favorite books from childhood, I dug up my old copy,” Ms. Ng said. “For a week, we took turns reading it to each other, and I’m happy to say it holds up beautifully.” STRATION BY NICOLÁS ORTEGA; PHOTOGRAPH BY GETTY IMAGES

36 THE NEW YORK TIMES FAMILY LIFE When Pets Die,Their Owners Do As demand rises for resources to cope with the death of a beloved animaBy Lauren Gill When pets die, their owners may experience complex feelingthink they’re going crazy,” said Colleen Rolland, the presidenWEEKS AFTER MARIA Sandomenico’s adopted rescue Chihuahua, Luigi, died last August, she shared a long post in a Facebook group for residents of the Park Slope neighborhood of Brooklyn about the way she was struggling to come to terms with her dog’s passing. In an interview in January, Ms. Sandomenico said that in the seven years she had lived with Luigi, he had become her “north star,” trotting by her side in various custom-made clothes she had bought for him. A pink-and-black pompom hat was his signature look, though he was also known to wear cashmere. Ms. Sandomenico said she had turned to Facebook when Luigi died because she didn’t want to burden her friends with her feelings, and because she craved connection with others who had experienced the death of a pet. She was surprised by the number of people who responded to her post saying they were also grieving the loss of an animal companion and didn’t know where to find support. Not long after she posted in the Facebook group, Ms. Sandomenico, 53, who runs a dog walking and training business, met with several of its members at a local bar. She had invited them there for an informal grief-processing session. “Within like 20 minutes, everybody was breaking down in front of everybody,” she said. “They all have these really different experiences, except we all had the same, you know, feelings of just feeling like nobody understands.” She described the meeting as cathartic. It “made me feel like I wasn’t freaking crazy,” said Ms. Sandomenico, who has a silver necklace with a picture of Luigi. She has since hosted another gathering and has plans to conduct them regularly. Celeste Jones, an interior designer in Palm Beach, Fla., also struggled to find ways to cope with the death of her 12-yearold Maltese, ZsaZsa, in 2020. “The more that I searched and the more that I looked,” she said, “the more desperate I became.” Ms. Jones, 45, eventually paid for an on-

line program that she said gave her the tools she needed to process her emotions. She has since started to host free online sessions for others grappling with pet loss. Those sessions and Ms. Sandomenico’s informal meetings are among a growing number of resources available to grieving pet owners, who should compare different options when considering any services to avoid bereavement scams. Some providers said there has been an uptick in demand for their support services since the start of the pandemic, when many people acquired new pets and others developed stronger bonds with pets because of restrictions that forced them to spend more time at home. About 62 percent of Americans own a pet, according to a 2023 study by the Pew Research Center, and an ASPCA survey found that almost one in five American households had adopted a dog or a cat from March 2020 to May 2021. But dogs and cats, the most popular pets in the United States, have a much shorter average life span than humans — as do many other animals kept as pets. A majority die before their owners, many of whom are left with complex feelings of sadness that they may be ill equipped to handle on their own, said Colleen Rolland, 67, the president of the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. “People sometimes think they’re going crazy because of what they’re feeling and how badly they feel,” Ms. Rolland said. Her organization, which was founded by a psychologist in Brooklyn in 1997, offers a free online chat service that drew more users in 2023 than it did in 2022, she said. Jill Goodfriend, a nurse and social worker in the BayArea who works with grieving pet owners, said she had also recently noticed more interest in her services, which include free consultations. (Her paid services are offered on a sliding scale but typically start at $150 for a 45-minute counseling session.) Ms. Goodfriend, 79, who started counseling pet owners in 2005, credited this spike to the pandemic, which she said made people “more aware of grief and more inclined to express it.” oNot Have to Grieve Alone al, the availability of support services has grown. ANDREW B. MYERS FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES gs that they struggle to process alone. “People sometimes nt of the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement.

VMaria Sandomenico turned to a Facebook group for pet ownher Chihuahua, Luigi, left, died last year. Soon after, she starsessions where people could talk about their pets’ deaths. At the Schwarzman Animal Medical Center, which has been operating in Manhattan since 1910, a free pet-loss support group has been available to clients since 1983. Susan Cohen, 79, a veterinary social worker who came up with the idea for the group, said it started with about five people attending each in-person session. By the time she stopped working at the center, in 2011, that number had doubled. The demand for such gatherings led the center to expand its offerings: It now offers multiple grief groups that meet on video calls a few times a month. One is for people whose animals have died in the last three months, while another caters to owners still grieving pets who have died within the last year. Judith Harbour, 40, a veterinary social worker at the center who leads the grief groups, recently started a third for owners of dogs with serious health problems. Each group has 20 participants from across the country, and some have a waiting list. Attendees come from a variety of backgrounds, Ms. Harbour said, and range in age from 18 to 85. They are mourning not only pet cats and dogs. Turtles, cockatiels, parrots, lizards, horses and rabbits have been brought up in sessions too, she said. Ms. Harbour, whose job also entails daily counseling for individual clients and veterinarians at the center, said that many group attendees have said they felt unable to fully express their sadness over a dying pet with people close to them. Some have felt judged for grieving their pets, she said, while others have felt dismissed by loved ones who have told them to get another pet and move on. She said the pain of a pet’s death often goes unrecognized by a person’s community and by society as a whole. “When you go through something like that, you really feel unseen and you’re kind of on your own,” Ms. Harbour said. Victoria Villarreal attended the Schwarzman Animal Medical Center’s griefgroup sessions for a year after the death of her 13-year-old gray tabby cat, Einstein, in 2022. Ms. Villarreal, 55, a nurse in Seattle, named the cat for his intelligence and described him as a constant companion at home and on trips, including one to New York where she said he charmed the housekeepers at their pet-friendly hotel. She said her grief over Einstein’s death was no different from the sadness she felt when her father and her husband died. The Pew Research Center’s 2023 study showed that roughly half of pet owners con-

VIA CELESTE JONES VIA VICTORIA VILLARREAL LIVING WELL 37 VIA MARIA SANDOMENICO ners in Brooklyn when rted hosting informal After the death of Celeste Jones’s Maltese, ZsaZsa, above, Ms. Jones started hosting free online sessions for others grappling with the loss of a pet. Victoria Villarreal said she could not have navigated the death of her gray tabby cat, Einstein, without the grief-support sessions she attended. pet owners ages 18 and up. Like the group at the Animal Medical Center, it has drawn people from across the United States, said Buffy Peters, who oversees bereavement-support services at the funeral home. “We know they bring so much light and love into our lives,” Ms. Peters said of pets. “Yes, you can get mad at them because they made a mess or whatever. But you also love them more than sometimes feels possible.” sidered pets as much a part of their family as humans. “I don’t believe I could have gotten through that first year without A.M.C.,” Ms. Villarreal said, referring to the Animal Medical Center. “Your pain is validated; you don’t have to explain why you feel sad. All you have to do is show up.” Hamilton’s Funeral Home in Des Moines also operates a free virtual grief group for

38 THE NEW YORK TIMES RELAT IONSHIPS For Gen Z, an Age-Old Question: The traditional norm that men should pick up the check still prevails in hBy Santul Nerkar DURING A RECENT dinner at a cozy bar in Upper Manhattan, I was confronted with an age-old question. Over bowls of ramen and sips of gin cocktails, my date and I got into a debate: Who should pay for dates? My date, a 27-year-old woman I matched with on Hinge, said gender equality didn’t mean men and women should pay the same when they went out. Women, she said, earn less than men in the workplace, spend more time getting ready for outings and pay more for reproductive care. When the date ended, we split the bill. But our discussion was emblematic of a tension in modern dating. At work and on social media, where young people spend much of their personal time, they like to emphasize equity and equality. When it comes to romance and courtship, young people — specifically women and men in heterosexual relationships — seem to be following the same dating rules their parents and older generations grew up learning. Contemporary research, popular culture and conversations I had with more than a dozen young Americans suggest that a longstanding norm still holds true: Men tend to foot the bill more than women do on dates. And there seems to be an expectation that they should. HOW THE FIRST DATE GOES Some progressive defenders of the norm cite the persistent gender wage gap, the fact that women pay more for reproductive products and apparel than men, and that they spend more time preparing for dates to comport with societal norms. Kala Lundahl lives in New York City and works at a recruiting firm. She typically matches with people for dates through apps like Hinge, with the total cost of the date, usually over drinks, coming to around $80. On the first date, Ms. Lundahl, 24, always offers to split the check but expects the man to pay — and has encountered resistance when she offers to pay. Ms. Lundahl said that if the date was going well, they might continue on to a second location, usually a cheaper place where she was more likely to pay. On a second date, she said, she would be more insistent on paying the entire check, or splitting it. Ms. Lundahl’s reasoning comes from her belief that the person who did the asking out — usually the man — should pay for the date, and that the person who made more money — also usually the man — should cough up. “A couple of guys get a little stiff when I offer to pay,” Ms. Lundahl said. “You can tell they’re not comfortable with that idea.” Scott Bowen, a 24-year-old accountant in Charlotte, N.C., said he always paid for drinks, meals and coffees on dates. Usually, that winds up being $70 to $100. The

Zoe Miller accepted the gesture when her date, Kent Barnhill, wanted to pick up the check, but then they began sharing the cost using the app Splitwise. PHOTOGRAPHS BY THAILEY SADLER FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES Who Pays for Dates? heterosexual courtship. conversation over who pays usually lasts a split second — from the time the waiter sets down the check to when Mr. Bowen reaches over and says, “I’ll grab that,” he said. When Mr. Bowen was growing up, his parents made it clear to him that he should pay for dates when taking a woman out. He acknowledged that he wanted to see the status quo changed to be more of an even split, yet he said he was uncomfortable bringing up the subject at all during dates. In L.G.B.T.Q. relationships, who pays for dates has less to do with gender norms and more with specific relationship dynamics. Brendan Foley, a government worker in

Washington, D.C., said that in his experience dating men, the check was usually split. When one person paid, it was often the older man, or the person who was understood to make more money. But the discussion of money during dates doesn’t bother him. “I think there are more honest and straightforward conversations than the dance in straight relationships,” Mr. Foley, 24, said. A PERSISTENT TRADITION Shanhong Luo, a professor at Fayetteville State University, studies the factors behind attraction between romantic partners, including the norms that govern relationships. In a paper published in 2023 in Psychological Reports, a peer-reviewed journal, Dr. Luo and a team of researchers surveyed 552 heterosexual college students in Wilmington, N.C., and asked them whether they expected men or women to pay for dates — and whether they, as a man or a woman, typically paid more. The researchers found that young men paid for all or most of the dates around 90 percent of the time, while women paid only about 2 percent (they split around 8 percent of the time). On subsequent dates, splitting the check was more common, though men still paid a majority of the time while women rarely did. Nearly 80 percent of men expected that they would pay on the first date, while just over half of women (55 percent) expected men to pay. Surprisingly, views on gender norms didn’t make much of a difference: On average, both men and women in the sample expected the man to pay, whether they had more traditional views of gender roles or more progressive ones. “The findings strongly showed that the traditional pattern is still there,” Dr. Luo said. The persistent tradition of men paying for women might seem like a harmless artifact. But in a relationship, such acts don’t exist in a vacuum. Psychologists differentiate between two forms of sexism: “hostile sexism,” defined by beliefs like women are inferior to men, and “benevolent sexism,” defined by beliefs like it is men’s duty to protect women. But the latter can give way to the former. “The notion of chivalry is couched in very positive terms,” said Campbell Leaper, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Cruz. “But over time, if people are stuck in these roles, that comes at a cost.” In a 2016 study, Dr. Leaper and his coauthor, Alexa Paynter, surveyed undergraduates in California, asking them how they rated a number of traditional courtship gestures, including men paying for dates. A majority of both young men and women said men should pay, but for men, the association between that view and more hostile views toward women was particularly strong. Dr. Leaper, who has been teaching a class on gender development for more than 30 years, said his students today were more liberal on a range of issues pertaining to gender identity, sexuality and norms governing relationships. But his students often defend the principle behind men paying for dates, or say they hadn’t even thought how it was connected to sexism. “That’s kind of surprising to them,” Dr. Leaper said. Part of the reason the norm may persist in young people is that dates are inherently awkward, Dr. Luo said. Even for young people who may hold a steadfast commitment to financial independence — whether a man or a woman — the pressure of an age-old norm may kick in. “Regardless of what you believe in, you’ll do what the norm says you do,” Dr. Luo said. EASIER AS RELATIONSHIPS DEEPEN Kent Barnhill said he paid for around 80 percent of the dates he went on. Mr. Barnhill, 27, identifies as a feminist and is politically progressive, but said his upbringing in a wealthy, conservative household in Florida had shaped his practice of insisting on paying, particularly early in relationships. “On the first date, I always establish beforehand that I want to pay,” said Mr. Barn

LIVING WELL 39 pression of power, warmed her to the idea. After that outing, they tried to split their dates, using the app Splitwise. Once two people make it past the initial awkward courtship, navigating the trickiness of date financing tends to be easier. When one person pays, man or woman, they find joy, likening the act to gift-giving. Andrew Tuchler and Miranda Zhang are a married couple in Los Angeles who met in college. Going out for expensive dates was not financially feasible for them, so they opted for what college couples often do: spending time over cafeteria meals and during club events. Mr. Tuchler and Ms. Zhang, both 26, said the early experience of a relationship not defined by money had helped steel them for the challenges of talking about and spending money. The couple split their finances, but when it comes to dates, they alternate who pays. Mr. Tuchler said he enjoyed it as an act of service — even taking the extra step to tell the waiter what she’ll be having. Ms. Zhang said she appreciated the gesture, and enjoyed returning the favor. hill, a data analyst in the Washington, D.C., public school system. “The fact I’m paying more does not bother me.” Zoe Miller, 23, on the other hand, grew up in a liberal household in Chapel Hill, N.C. One experience on a date in college shaped her insistence on splitting the bill. While her date was in the restroom, a waiter came by and asked Ms. Miller how the two wanted to pay. She said she wanted to split the bill, so the waiter came back with two checks. When Ms. Miller’s date came back, he was furious. He wanted to pay for the date. Now, she said, “I absolutely refuse not to split the check.” Ms. Miller and Mr. Barnhill started dating after meeting through a mutual friend. The couple once enjoyed a meal at a fine dining Italian restaurant in the Mount Vernon neighborhood of Washington, and Mr. Barnhill paid. Ms. Miller initially found it hard to swallow when Mr. Barnhill would pay the entire check. But a combination of a difference in incomes — she had gotten fewer shifts at her job at a smoothie shop — and viewing the gesture as genuine, rather than an exCASEY STEFFENS FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES Kala Lundahl at The Campbell in New York’s Grand Central Terminal. On a first date she expects the man to pay, but still offers to split the tab.

40 THE NEW YORK TIMES RELAT IONSHIPS ThoseThree Little Words: Let’sTWhat would you do if you won the lottery? How do we stop having this sBy Anna Sale HAVE YOU EVER had a flip remark about, say, a romantic partner’s late-night internet purchase devolve into a corrosive and existential fight? Me too. Online shopping is about money, and in our romantic relationships, a lot of us aren’t very good at talking about finances. This makes sense! Most of us were raised to be vague about specifics but firm in our habits around money. Now, as you build a household with this outsider whom you fell in love with — someone who doesn’t know the particular secret codes you were raised with — there’s a lot for you two to snag on. The good news is that talking about money openly makes you better at talking about money. You’ll get to know each other’s abstract beliefs about money and how you want to translate them into concrete actions. Your shared vision as a couple will take on more dimension, and as you get comfortable with each other’s money habits and hangups, you’ll also be more readily able to ask and offer help to other loved ones in your lives. These questions are designed to jumpstart those conversations, taking them one step at a time. And though this is designed as a guide for couples at that critical stage of moving in together, like a vow renewal ceremony, they may also help longtime couples adjust how they talk about, and manage, their money. But first, a suggestion: Approach money questions in a romantic relationship with the same care and consent as you do conversations about physical intimacy and each other’s sexual backgrounds. They can feel similarly sensitive as you move from one stage of reveal to the next, so try to ask each question with an empathetic smile. Underlying Values WHAT DO WE WANT OUR LIFETOGETHER TO LOOK LIKE? Before making mutual money decisions in a relationship, a couple should start by envisioning what they want their future to look like — what Stephanie Zepeda, a financial

Talk Finances same fight about money? And much more. LUCAS BURTIN

therapist in Houston, calls “a relational budget.” “Get their drink of choice and go sit down and have a ‘hopes and dreams’ conversation,” she advises. Talk about lifestyle routines, housing priorities, career ambitions, fantasy purchases and experiences. You’ll get to constraints later, as well as the how of it all, but first, describe the broad strokes of how your lives could look together. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY? Now, take even bigger swings. What would you do with a surprise windfall? The lottery framing can be especially useful, Dr. Zepeda said, for couples who come from different cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds, helping to describe the key values underlying the more abstract question of what money is for. That, in turn, can help identify the roots of any future money misunderstandings. And it will help you clarify what you want to drive your future financial decisions together. HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR FINANCIAL PRIORITIES MIGHT CHANGE IN THE NEXT 10 YEARS? A financial goal-setting conversation with a more distant time horizon will fill in more of the details on the shared vision you’re drawing up as a couple. “It’s not about money priorities and goals,” said Megan Smith, a financial educator in Jackson, Wyo. “It’s about life priorities and goals.” If you’re moving in together when you’re both early in your careers, with no kids, this question may help guide you to what may come next. Do you want to be a parent? Is owning a home important to you? Is marriage something you see as the next step? This approach can also be applied to couples who find each other in midlife or later, where there might be financial obligations to children or aging parents looming, or questions about their own health care as they age. Private Parts HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE? HOW MUCH DEBT? Disclosing how much money you make, along with your savings and your debts, is an essential relationship conversation, and also, a delicate one. Approach this sharing like story swapping, just as you’ve caught each other up on your family backgrounds and your relationship histories. Brace for a little embarrassment: You’re revealing how much your public presentations match up with your private credit histories. Anticipate inequalities, and discuss but don’t dwell on them. And remember, like most major life decisions, facing financial facts can take time and emotional preparation. When it comes to your partner’s private financial details, no snooping without permission! And because it needs to be said: No lying either. ISTHERE ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR FINANCES OR FUTURE FINANCESTHAT I SHOULD KNOWABOUT? ANYTHING ABOUT MY FINANCES OR FUTURE FINANCES YOU’RE CURIOUS ABOUT? Lying in response to direct questions is one thing. Evading, though, can happen more easily, even unintentionally if you keep putting off the disclosure of embarrassing or uncomfortable financial information. So, after you share basic facts like earnings, debt and built-in expenses within a relationship, Ms. Smith advises that you each circle back with open questions to invite more exploring. This could be when you hear about a past bankruptcy or an expected inheritance. As much as you can, “listen without a lick of judgment,” she said. Brass Tacks IF WE SHARE A HOUSEHOLD, DO WE WANTTO SHARE MONEY? There are a lot of different ways to go here: totally separate, some separate and some shared, and totally shared. Talk through

LIVING WELL 41 Outside Help SHOULD WETALK TO A LAWYER? Couples who are moving in together, whether they intend to marry or not, can benefit from understanding their state’s laws about couples and assets at the end of a relationship. If you live with a romantic partner for years who makes more money than you, you could end up with very few financial protections if you break up. Consider talking to an attorney when things are good and talk about how you’d separate your financial lives if you had to. Whether you plan to marry or not, some attorneys call this a prenuptial or a cohabitation agreement. HOW DO WE STOP HAVING THIS SAME FIGHT ABOUT MONEY? We have tools like auto bill-pay or monthly savings withdrawals to trick us into good individual habits, and you can take the same approach with the triggers of your domestic money spats. Decide how you want to approach something causing financial stress in your relationship and then try to automate that approach. If one of you has an online spending compulsion that’s getting in the way of a shared financial goal, try setting up an account with an agreed upon online spending allowance each month and then stick to it. You could also consider setting up a “fun fund” — a pot of money dedicated exclusively to things you each enjoy. For example, Ms. Smith said sometimes “one person in a relationship wants to own eight bikes, and the other person is like, we have this mortgage.” In that case, a fun account can be a “gear fund,” something a client once deemed “a marriage saver.” WHOM COULD WE ASK FOR HELP IN A MONEY EMERGENCY? Finally, when you share a household with your romantic partner, their people become your people. These networks of love and support are also part of your financial lives. Tell each other who might have helped you financially, and whom you’ve helped. what feels right to you, both in how much you pool your money and how much you expect each other to disclose if you’re spending your individual money. If you do have shared expenses, consider a shared household account to cover shared expenses to keep you from a running tally posted on the fridge. As you build out your household budget, you can also design your own system to most fairly divide who contributes what to the shared account. DO YOU LIKE MANAGING HOUSEHOLD MONEY? WHO’S IN CHARGE OF OUR SHARED DOMESTIC HOMEWORK? Managing a household’s bills, mail, taxes and financial paperwork is a lot of work. It’s also a source of great power. Some people thrill at that level of detail and control (including yours truly). For others, money text alerts and opening bills can make you shut down. Get to know each other’s personalities around all the paperwork that being a grown-up requires, and see if by tackling different pieces together, you can help each other. For example, I am good at not missing deadlines and reading the fine print, but I am easily rattled by unexpected expenses. My husband is the keeper of the big-picture budget, and he helps me by calmly zooming out and reminding me that there are a lot of incremental steps to take before it’s a catastrophe. WHAT HAPPENS IF ONE OF US DIES UNEXPECTEDLY? For lots of couples, it’s not until you have kids that you start considering wills and life insurance. But if you are sharing and plan to build a household together long-term, a term life insurance policy could be worth considering, particularly if one of you earns much more than the other or you’re buying property together. The whole exercise can also deepen your sense of commitment to each other. “What does it signify?” Dr. Zepeda said. “It says, I love you. I care about you. I don’t want to burden you.”

42 THE NEW YORK TIMES RELAT IONSHIPS She Wrote a Best Seller on Sex LThe intimacy expert Emily Nagoski looks at long-term relationships. By Catherine Pearson Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health, who went to graduate school with Ms. Nagoski. However, Ms. Nagoski’s own fractured sex life left her full of self-doubt. “I did my best to do what I tell other people to do, which is to turn toward what was happening with kindness and compassion,” she said, recognizing how cloying that advice can sound. “I tried to give myself permission to allow these things to be true. To recognize they would not always be true. And that I would move through this spell A DECADE AGO, as the sex educator Emily Nagoski was researching and writing her first book, “Come as You Are” — a soonto-be best seller exploring the science of women’s sexuality — she and her husband stopped having sex. Ms. Nagoski began appearing everywhere, reassuring women that their sexuality was not a problem that needed to be solved or treated. She published a workbook to help women better understand their sexual temperament and sexual cues. Her TED Talks have been viewed millions of times. But at home, she and her husband, Rich Stevens — a cartoonist whom she met on the dating site OkCupid in 2011 — were cycling in and out of monthslong sexual dry spells stemming from work stress and health problems. When I spoke to Ms. Nagoski at her house in Easthampton, Mass., in the fall, and then again over the phone in January, she declined to offer specifics on how long their droughts lasted. But she did not hold back about how they made her feel. “Stressed. Depressed. Anxious. Lonely. Self-critical,” Ms. Nagoski, 46, said. “Like, how can I be an ‘expert’ — and I say that with heavy, heavy air quotes — and still be struggling in this way?” After all, Ms. Nagoski had written the book on women and desire. She popularized the metaphor of the sexual response system as a car with an accelerator (that notices erotic stimuli) and brakes (that notice all of the reasons not to have sex, like chores, or a new baby). When women struggle with arousal and pleasure, she explained in “Come as You Are,” it isn’t because the accelerator isn’t being stimulated; it’s usually because the brakes are being pushed too hard. Her talent was not for producing original research — this dual control model of sexual response, for instance, is not her idea — but she had a knack for sifting through the science to uncover what she believed to be most relevant to women’s lives, and finding simple ways to describe it. “She often reminds people that they are whole, they are not broken,” said Debby Herbenick, the director of the Center for

Lives.Then Hers Fell Apart. with more ease if I did not beat myself up.” Like a true self-proclaimed “sex nerd,” Ms. Nagoski also dug into the science of what great sex looks like in a long-term relationship and how to cope when problems arise, which became the backbone of her new book, “Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections.” At nearly 300 pages, with two appendices and 22 pages of notes and scientific references, it’s the product of an academic who loves data. But Ms. Nagoski, who earned a doctorate in health behavior and a master’s degree in counseling from Indiana University, gives up what she thinks are the three secrets of partners with happy sex lives in the introduction: 1. They are friends. 2. They prioritize sex. 3. They ignore outside opinions about what sex should look like and do what works for them. “When I got done,” she said, “I had this whole book’s worth of advice we used to fight our way back to each other.” ‘PLEASURE ISTHE MEASURE’ Ms. Nagoski believes that most people PHOTOGRAPHS BY SOPHIE PARK FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES

are hung up on the wrong metrics when it comes to sex. It isn’t about novelty or orgasms, nor is it about frequency. “People always want to know: How often does a typical couple have sex?” she said, sitting on her couch next to Mr. Stevens, 47. “Which is not a question that I answer, because it’s impossible to hear a number and not compare yourself to it.” (Also, she added, people seldom talk about the quality of said sex.) Most of us are too fixated on libido — or on wanting to want to have sex — she said, which has caused a lot of unnecessary stress and insecurity. “Desire is the No. 1 reason people of all gender combinations seek sex therapy,” she said. “Even I need to be reminded that it’s not about desire. It’s about pleasure.” It’s a surprising take from someone who has spent years helping women better understand how desire actually works, banging the drum about the difference between spontaneous desire (the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue) and responsive desire (which arises in response to erotic stimuli). Much of what Ms. Nagoski preaches, she said, is a transformation of how most of us have been taught sex is supposed to work — that it is always pleasurable and easy. “Pleasure only happens under really specific circumstances, and the 21st-century, postindustrial world doesn’t naturally create those circumstances very often,” she said. “We are all overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed. Like, of course you have to put effort into transitioning out of your everyday state of mind into a sexy state of mind.” In “Come Together,” Ms. Nagoski is arguing that desire is almost beside the point. “Center pleasure, because great sex over the long term is not about how much you want sex,” she writes, “it’s about how much you like the sex you’re having.” Put simply: “Pleasure is the measure.” Ms. Nagoski isn’t saying anything sex researchers don’t know. But Rosalyn Dischiavo, president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, called it a “radical truth.” “As sex educators, one of the most beautiful parts of our job — and one of the most frustrating parts of our job — is to ring that bell over and over and over again to wake people up and say, ‘Pleasure is good,’” she said. “‘Pleasure is healing.’” TAKING HER OWN ADVICE Ms. Nagoski knows that telling couples to “just access pleasure together” is easier said than done. For most people, herself included, a long list of things can hit their sexual brakes. In the past several years, she has dealt with perimenopause, a back injury, and then long Covid, which has caused severe vascular problems. For months, Ms. Nagoski could barely walk to her mailbox. And she is still healing. “Come Together” is the first time Ms. Nagoski has publicly opened up about her sex life, a decision she initially felt ambivalent about. “Before I wrote the book, I wondered if revealing, like, ‘I, too, have struggled with desire in a long-term relationship’ would un

LIVING WELL 43 ‘Desire is the No. 1 reason people of all gender combinations seek sex therapy. Even I need to be reminded that it’s not about desire. It’s about pleasure.’ To help move through a dry spell, Emily Nagoski and her husband, Rich Stevens, agreed to keep their dogs out of the bedroom during intimate moments. Her latest book is “Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections.” dercut my expertise.” When asked what she and her partner did to move through their dry spells, Ms. Nagoski distilled it to this: First, she spent a lot of time talking to her therapist about how to speak to her husband about their issues in a way that felt loving and not accusatory. Next, before they tried initiating anything physical, the couple spent a lot of time talking about sex. Ms. Nagoski realized it was important to let Mr. Stevens be silly about their situation, she said. It brought some levity to their conversations and helped them to realize how important playfulness is to their dynamic in the bedroom. Last, she asked her husband to be more affectionate with her outside of sexual situations. Their sex life is hardly perfect now, though if she were not recovering from long Covid, Ms. Nagoski said, she would describe it as better than it has ever been. They made small changes, too. The couple began closing the bedroom door so their dogs — who “want to be up on the bed with us,” she said — couldn’t interrupt sex. They also moved any intimate supplies they needed closer to the bed. The two were trying to eliminate every possible inconvenience. But there are risks, Ms. Nagoski said, when couples start talking about what is not working in their sex lives. “None of us want to hurt our partner’s feelings,” she said. If a couple cannot navigate those talks on their own, or even bring themselves to start them, then, “yeah, therapy,” she said. “It’s hard work,” she said of keeping sex going in a long-term relationship. “And you have to care. It isn’t necessary for survival. It’s not even necessary to have a spectacular life. I don’t require anyone on Earth to make any kind of change to their sex life if they don’t want to.” But Ms. Nagoski said for her, “it’s a priority.” The couple now see sex as a “project” they work on together, making time for it in their calendar. “We talk about it more than we talk about what we’re going to have for dinner. I alter my schedule so that I don’t have anything that’s going to wipe me out so much that on our calendar day, I’m not going to have any energy left,” Ms. Nagoski said. She tries to give herself grace when it does not happen, like when she recently canceled a scheduled sex date because of a migraine. “What matters,” she said, “is that you’re cocreating a context that makes it easy to access pleasure.”

RELAT IONSHIPS SMALL NUGGETS OF advice can sometimes lead to big changes in relationships. My colleagues and I are fortunate to regularly interview psychotherapists, couples counselors, sex therapists and researchers who share their most useful tactics for strengthening connections. Here are some of the best tips that can help improve your bonds with friends, family and romantic partners. GIVE PEOPLE PERMISSION TO CHANGE It can be challenging to recognize that people you have known for years, like siblings, have evolved and may be entirely different than they once were. But doing so can help you maintain genuine closeness over time. Periodically, consider asking questions that get at who your loved one has become. Whitney Goodman, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Miami, recommends prompts such as “What are you into now?” or “What is going on in your life that I don’t know about?” WHEN THE PHONE RINGS, PICK UP Loneliness is a public health crisis that affects more than half of Americans, but Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, the surgeon general, believes that some strategies for finding and maintaining connection are startlingly simple. For instance, when someone calls you, pick up the phone, he says, even if it’s just to say “hi” and find another time for a longer catch-up. “That 10 seconds feels so much better than going back and forth on text,” Dr. Murthy said. BEWARE OF ‘PHUBBING’ Glancing at your phone when someone is talking to you, or reaching for it whenever the conversation stalls, can lead to feelings of hurt. Recent research suggests that the practice — a combination of “phone” and “snubbing” — can be particularly damaging to romantic partnerships. Experts say simple tweaks, like limiting digital alerts and establishing clear ground rules with your partner around phone use, can help. “I know this doesn’t sound sexy, and people don’t want to do this in their relationships, but truly it’s the No. 1 strategy,” said Katherine Hertlein, a professor in the couple and family therapy program at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. BE OPEN TO THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF DESIRE Sex therapists and researchers tend to believe that there are two types of desire: spontaneous (the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue) and responsive (which arises in response to stimuli). Though many people tend to think that spontaneous desire is somehow better, responsive desire is valid too, experts said. And learning to embrace it can be critical to maintaining intimacy in long-term relationships, or in those where one person wants sex more than the other. Lori Brotto, a psychologist and the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” said she often helps her clients understand that it is possible for them to go into sex without spontaneous desire, as long as 9 Ways to Improve Your RelationPay a compliment, focus on the things you can control and, for goodnessBy Catherine Pearson 44 THE NEW YORK TIMES

there is willingness and consent. WHEN ARGUING, AVOID GENERALIZATIONS Phrases like “you always …” or “you never …” are exaggerations, and they make others defensive. “You’re not even having a problem-solving conversation anymore,” said Kier Gaines, a licensed therapist in Washington, D.C. “You’re just going into fullblown argument mode.” Instead, make an effort to focus only on the problem at hand. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A COMPLIMENT People may shy away from offering them, because they worry about sounding awkward or coming off as insincere. But compliments are usually much more welcome than we expect, said Erica Boothby, a social psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. When complimenting a stranger, keep it brief and sincere. When complimenting a friend or loved one, be specific — saying not just what you like about someone, for instance, but also expressing how that person makes you feel. WHEN DEALING WITH CHALLENGING FAMILY MEMBERS, FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL As much as you might wish to, you cannot change your family members, said Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed clinical social worker and author of “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships.” She recommends asking yourself: If this person didn’t change anything about themselves or their behavior, what, if anything, could I do to make the relationship different? DON’T LET INTROVERSION STAND IN THE WAY OF DEEP CONNECTION “Introverts are mistaken for being antisocial,” said Susan Cain, the author of “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.” “Actually, they’re differently social.” Introverts tend to have more of an inward or internal orientation, but they still crave friendship and connection as much as anyone. So, introverts: Lean into your natural preferences and tendencies, experts advise. Seek out comfortable people in comfortable places, and embrace the power of initiating plans, which gives you control over whom you socialize with and where. WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS UPSET, ASK ONE SIMPLE QUESTION When young students are upset, teachers will sometimes ask: “Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?” That question can offer adults a sense of comfort and control, too, experts said. That’s because different emotions need different responses, said Dr. Elizabeth Easton, the director of psychotherapy at Pathlight Mood and Anxiety Center in Denver. Reassurance may work well for anxiety, but could infuriate someone who is frustrated, she said. At its core, this simple question is about identifying: How can I meet your needs? MONICA GARWOOD nships s’ sake, put down your phone.

A Family Dinner With My Wife aLearning to love two women at once — one living with Alzheimer’s — is By Townsend Davis LAST THANKSGIVING I was seated at the head of the dining room table with my family gathered around, enjoying our traditional feast: turkey, potatoes, cranberry sauce and gravy, and a mashed-yams-with-minimarshmallows concoction we call “glop.” My sons, 18 and 20, piled their plates high. My mother worked her way through smaller portions and a glass of wine. And I held the hand of my love, who was seated next to me with tears in her eyes as she looked across the table at a woman, her contemporary, who was eating with the help of a caregiver. That woman is my wife, Bridget, 59. Before Alzheimer’s devoured Bridget’s neurons along with her essence, Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday. Now, a decade into the disease, my wife had no idea what Thanksgiving was. The caregiver had to keep reminding her to stay seated. That evening was also the first time she and my new partner ate at the same table. None of us could have imagined this scenario until recently. For a decade, my wife and I were happily married and parenting, until her executive functioning skills started to falter. Bridget — who expertly organized both our wedding and the budgets of the Museum of Modern Art and the Whitney Museum on Excel spreadsheets — refused to believe it was anything serious until the mistakes became too frequent and dangerous to ignore: running stop signs, burning pots, missing play dates, forgetting to show up for her own 50th birthday dinner. After the neurologist delivered the devastating news, eight years ago, that Bridget had early onset Alzheimer’s, I cared for her at home with the help of caregivers while continuing to work full time and parent our sons, then 11 and 13. Eventually, Bridget required constant care. Forced from our bedroom by her incessant agitation,I created a separate space in our home for me to sleep and live in. “Please go find someone else,” she urged me shortly after her diagnosis. But I dismissed the idea out of hand. I didn’t want to imagine life without her. But six years later, Bridget no longer knew me. We had never had a serious discussion about it, and now she no longer could. I missed Bridget and was lonely. But rather than wading into the murky waters of what type of companionship could exist within my marriage, I had convinced myself I didn’t need a partner. Besides, what woman would ever accept a relationship with a man who was committed to remaining married and caring for his wife? Deb, the woman whose hand I was holding at Thanksgiving, was married for 25 years before divorcing in 2018. Her three children, the youngest of whom is 17, were celebrating with their father a few miles away; she and her ex take turns hosting the holiday.I met her 14 months earlier on a surf outing on Long Island in the wake of Hurricane Fiona. She had driven to the beach that morning after a mutual friend had suggested we meet, concerned that we both lacked companionship. The waves were big that day; the ocean cold. It took me a while to work up the courage to dive in, but eventually I caught the

LIVING WELL 45 and Girlfriend sa challenge and a blessing. at once: helped me regain hope, process loss, rediscover wonder, and remember what it was like to be in a reciprocal relationship. The first time she made me dinner, I practically fell off my chair with gratitude. Deb has turned out to be an understanding partner. She doesn’t question the time I spend with my wife and children. I still care for my wife as before, and I keep my wedding ring on. I am much happier. I can love two people fully and not feel conflicted. Deb and I were open about our relationship with our family and friends. There were complications, of course. Deb had two children living with her who were understandably reluctant to accept me until the relationship proved serious. I had a high school senior and my wife at home. But we all adjusted. My children seemed grateful to have a woman in their lives who understood the advantages of a mattress topper on a college bed. When Deb got in a serious car accident, her sons and I descended on the emergency room, cracking jokes to keep up her spirits and eating takeout hamburgers on the hospital floor. My parents-in-law gave us their blessing, with my wife’s mother saying, “It’s about time.” I even tried to explain to Bridget that I had found another partner, but I would always care for her at home. “I think that’s a good idea,” she said, but I’m not sure how much she understood. At Thanksgiving, holding Deb’s hand, I thought I knew why she was in tears. She had just watched my older son greet his mother by saying, “It’s me, William.” Bridget did not react at first. She did return his hug, albeit clumsily, after an excruciatingly long pause. I had seen similar scenes dozens of times, and I’d told Deb about them, but she had never witnessed Bridget’s failing to respond to her own child. Deb expressed her empathy for Bridget during one of our first nights together. “It’s so unfair that someone had to get sick in order for me to be with you,” she said. Since then, the two had met several times and attended events with me, including an AlzheiBRIAN REA best wave I’d had all season. By contrast, the thought of plunging into the search for a partner again felt insurmountable because of the guilt I was sure I would feel. During that first meeting on the beach, I said to Deb, “I’m OK not ever marrying again and getting different things from different people.” “Mm hmm,” she said, seemingly skeptical. With dating off limits, she and I met up for more beach outings, bike rides, a play and a movie. By then, we had each been through a lot in life, but our focus was on what the miraculous present had to offer. “One of these days we are going to have only an OK time together,” I said after about the third or fourth non-date. After several months, I began asking myself: “What exactly am I waiting for?” If it didn’t work out for whatever reason, I would be back to square one: married but effectively alone. One Friday night, I surprised Deb with a kiss, and suddenly my life took on a new dimension. Our romance did so many things

46 THE NEW YORK TIMES RELAT IONSHIPS mer’s fund-raising walk and a photo shoot before my son’s graduation from high school — yet another milestone for which Bridget was present yet absent. Deb, whom I would describe as emotionally intrepid, had handled all these occasions with generosity and grace. But I underestimated the emotional impact of seating them at the same Thanksgiving table. After we finished the meal and cleaned up, Deb drove me back to the apartment we now share. “I can’t help but feel like an interloper,” she said. “This is her holiday in her home, and I’m taking her place, but she’s still here. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t help thinking she must feel that displacement.” “I don’t think she feels that,” I said. “Please don’t feel guilty.” “I think it’s more loaded because it’s Thanksgiving,” she said. “It’s family time.” “You’re part of my family now.” “I know, but I still feel what I feel.” Eventually I stopped trying to talk her out of her feelings and said, “I guess I’d be worried if you didn’t feel this way.” We brushed our teeth and got into bed. “I know why we can’t be married,” she said. “And I accept that this is our reality. But it’s still hard in some unnamable way I feel bad even mentioning.” “I feel as if I am marrying you every day with what we do for each other,” I said. As usual, without much planning, we had prepared and served the meal — our first Thanksgiving together — at my family home with ease, almost wordlessly. Deb had even taken it upon herself to get the family recipe for the “glop” from my mother-in-law, who could not make it this year because of her own husband’s illness. (“Your father is dying of cancer,” I had tried explaining to Bridget, to no avail.) It was the same dance Deb and I have been doing since that walk on the beach. “The Beautiful Now” is our shorthand for this dance, a daily affirmation of our commitment to each other in which pain, comfort and joy intertwine. On that night, I saw no reason to do anything but embrace it all. Wanted:True LoTwo men posted ‘dating bounties’ oBy Angela Chen FOR MOST OF Mati Roy’s life, dating was far down on his list of priorities. Though he halfheartedly tried dating apps, and would have welcomed a relationship if it developed naturally, pursuing love did not seem worth the effort. But as Mr. Roy entered his 30s, his priorities began to shift. In December 2021, he put together an online dating bio and encouraged people to share it online. He noted that he was 6 feet 2 inches tall, did not drink, smoke or do drugs, and leaned less interested in spending time together than typical couples. Children were important, so he offered $2,000 to whoever introduced him to the person he would end up legally co-parenting with. (Mr. Roy chose that wording so it would not rule out adoption.) Mr. Roy, now 33 and a project manager at OpenAI, called the reward a “dating bounty.” One friend offered an additional $1,000 with an easier requirement: It would go to whoever introduced Mr. Roy to a person who brought him “a lot of joy” for at least 18 months. Another friend, Anatoliy Zaslavskiy, who goes by Toli, added $500 with the same condition. Mr. Zaslavskiy, now 31 and an engineer at Dropbox, decided to offer his own dating Family snapshots of Carissa Cassiel and Mati Roy with her son, Thane. A friend of Mr. Roy’s posted his bounty on Facebook, leading Ms. Cassiel to him.

ove. Reward: $100,000. on the internet as an incentive to help them find partners. bounty: $100,000 to be paid out on a fouryear vesting schedule. After the first year of the relationship, the matchmaker would be paid $25,000. Then the person would receive monthly payments of roughly $2,000 until the full amount was paid out or the couple broke up. Mr. Zaslavskiy, like Mr. Roy, posted his bounty online. Commenters derided the idea. The term “bounty” conjures images of reward posters for catching criminals. But Mr. Roy’s and Mr. Zaslavskiy’s dating bounties can be considered a return to old-fashioned matchmaking. They want to incentivize connections to find a match — once the main way people met their partners, said Michael J. Rosenfeld, a sociologist at Stanford University in California. Mr. Zaslavskiy, who lives in New York, hoped the bounty would attract the kind of open-minded person he would like to date. At the time he was making around $200,000 a year, so the monthly bounty payments would have been around 12 percent of his salary. “I looked at all these things in my life that don’t bring me as much value,” Mr. Zaslavskiy said. “At that point I’m spending maybe $13,000 a month, but do I need all that stuff that I’m buying? Absolutely not. If I could spend $2,000 of that on finding somebody I love, then that’s absolutely worth it.” Rachel Greenwald, a professional matchmaker and executive fellow at Harvard Business School, said it was not surprising that usually men were the ones offering dating bounties. “Women think it sounds desperate, and men think it sounds like a power move,” she said. After Mr. Zaslavskiy posted his bounty, he received about five introductions, two of which turned into video calls, but none became dates. The bounty remains active. Mr. Roy received about 27 introductions, which turned into five video calls and one in-person meeting. None ended in romance, but his friend Carrie Radomski shared his bounty on her Facebook page. It quickly attracted attacks, and the eye of Carissa Cassiel. The honesty appealed to her. But the selling point was noticing how he took the criticism. Commenters said that the bounty was weird, or that the profile had too much information or that he sounded autistic. “I observed in the comments how he was responding to people,” she said. “He was very gracious and would say, ‘That’s a great point’ or ‘I should change that’ or ‘I could add something like that’ or ‘That’s not how I feel.’ He just handled everything beautifully, and that felt very significant to me.” Ms. Cassiel, 39, decided to defend Mr. Roy. He was in Canada and she lived in Georgia, but the two began messaging. Mr. Roy went to stay with Ms. Cassiel for a few weeks, then spent time in Mexico with her and Thane, Ms. Cassiel’s son from a previous relationship. Eventually, Mr. Roy moved to Georgia. The couple married last year and are raising Thane together. Since the relationship has lasted more than 18 months, $1,500 of the bounty has been paid to Ms. Radomski. The remaining $2,000 will be paid out if Mr. Roy formally adopts Thane. Ms. Cassiel believes that without the bounty she and Mr. Roy might never have met. “I think it’s brilliant, and it really gets people involved and caring,” she said. DUSTIN CHAMBERS FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES

JOY LORTON, 80, has been married and divorced four times. “I grew up in the 1950s and ’60s, when everybody was supposed to get married and have kids, so I did that,” said Ms. Lorton, who lives in Olympia, Wash., and has three daughters, seven grandchildren and a gaggle of great-grandchildren. But each of her marriages was marred by a different flavor of dysfunction, and since her last divorce in 2001, she has been devoutly and joyfully single. “It all goes back to the same word: freedom,” she said. Now, she chooses whom she wants to spend time with. And that could mean no one at all: “I really like my own company,” Ms. Lorton said. Around 30 percent of adults in the U.S. over the age of 50 are single, according to a 2022 Pew survey, and despite the stigma that tends to surround both singleness and advanced age, many relish being on their own. Older singles were less likely than their younger counterparts to say they wanted to date or find a romantic relationship, and research suggests people’s satisfaction with being single tends to jump in middle age. “People in their 60s and beyond who are single and flourishing is an untold story,” said Bella DePaulo, a social scientist who studies single life. “And it’s a feel-good story that shatters all of our stereotypes.” GETTING TO KNOW YOU Dr. DePaulo said that one major difference between being single in one’s 60s or beyond and being single when younger is the self-awareness and self-assurance that come with age. There is research to suggest that self-confidence peaks between the ages of 60 and 70. “When you’re older, there’s a real sense of: I need to live my best life now,” said Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist and the author of “How to be Single and Happy.” People who have been single for any length of time have the benefit of experience and hindsight to show them that it is just as possible to experience joy and peace even without a partner, she added. JOVELLE TAMAYO FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES For Joy Lorton, 80, being single after four marriages can be explained in one word, she said: “Freedom.” Experience has been a teacher for Kamran Afary, 66, who grew up in Iran and moved to America when he was 16. He spent much of his early life pushing back against what he saw as rigidity all around him — first, the patriarchal society he was raised in, and then “oppressive” relationship expectations. He bristled at the idea that if you and your partner couldn’t meet 100 percent of each other’s needs, “you were a failure.” Still, Mr. Afary dabbled in relationships for years. But as he got to know himself better, his sense of what he wanted shifted. In his late 50s, he came out as queer. “I think identifying as queer kind of opened up the door for me to be more open, to explore more,” said Mr. Afary, who is a professor of communications studies and lives in Los Angeles. In hindsight, he believes he has been drawn to the single life “for many decades, but I just didn’t have the language, and I was still pressured by all of these social expectations that maybe I should be open to coupledom. But I don’t Over 60, Single and Never HappSome older adults who have given up looking for romantic love say they By Catherine Pearson

LIVING WELL 47 KAYLA JAMES FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES Kamran Afary, 66, experimented with relationships for years. But as he got to know himself better, he said, he no longer felt pressure to couple up. alone time,” she said. “I cherish it.” So does Ms. Lorton, who earned her bachelor’s degree at 51. She retired in 2010 after three decades working as a legal assistant, and now spends much of her time driving grandchildren to and from school and various extracurricular activities. Occasionally, she feels a pang of loneliness, coming home to her silent house after a family get-together. But Ms. Lorton has “absolutely, positively no interest” in looking for love again. “Not only does being single allow me the freedom to make my own life choices,” she said, “it also gives me the peace I believe that I’ve always craved.” pier yfeel self-assured and satisfied being on their own. feel that way anymore.” Dr. DePaulo said this is a common theme in her work: People feel much freer to embrace single life when there is less outside pressure to settle down — particularly once parenthood is off the table. “All those people who may have hassled you about not being married or who act like there is something wrong with you for being single have mostly zipped it by the time you get to your later years,” she said. OTHER FORMS OF CONNECTION Though he has embraced his singleness, Mr. Afary is not naïve about the practical challenges he might face down the road without a partner. He is a primary caregiver to his mother, who is in her 90s, and he knows there might not be anyone to look out for him as he ages. (He noted how fortunate he feels to have a pension that makes a senior care facility financially feasible.) But he does not fear the loneliness or isolation that affects so many older Americans, as he has learned to develop “very loving, intimate” platonic relationships with several friends and colleagues. These relationships, Dr. DePaulo believes, are another untold story of singleness later in life: “They put more into their friendships, and they get more out of their friendships,” she said. Jettie McCollough, 68, was married for 28 years but now lives “an incredibly joyful single life.” She has dabbled in online dating, but she recently deleted her accounts after asking herself, “Why am I on this stupid dating site?” Rather than feeling lonely, she has realized that “there is so much connection available in the greater world,” said Ms. McCollough, who lives in Ludlow, Mass. When winter storms hit, her neighbors text to see if she needs anything. She volunteers at a local school. She is in a running club and has a YouTube channel on which she jumps rope to Taylor Swift songs. But she also relishes the quiet moments when they arise. And after decades of being married and raising four sons, “I love my

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