Khuluma August 2018

A WORLD OF BIG-EYEBALLED BEASTIES EXPLORE

Pug
They’re adorably cute, but the shape of the
cranium causes their eyes to protrude from the
face. This makes them prone to eye problems
including cataracts, cherry eye and entropion,
which is caused by their oversized eyelids turning
inwards, causing the eyelashes to push into

the eyeball.

SEEING OUTSIDE THE BOX imagination the beholder was born, had lacking a brain as we know it with
an encounter with a box jellyfish, the which to process this information.
Dungeons & Dragons aficionados will be notoriously venomous Cubozoa class These eyes sit in a structure of soft,
familiar with the beholder: a horrifying, of jellyfish whose sting can prove fatal transparent tissue wherein they can
voating vesh orb with a single to humans. rotate in any direction, enabling the
enormous eye in the middle of its body, jellyfish to stay orientated.
a mouth full of sharp teeth, and myriad Aside from being more dangerous
eyes on stalks that squirm menacingly, than most other jellyfish, Cubozoa have The other 20 eyes are simple eyes,
waiting to enact diabolical magic on 24 eyes. Four of these are true eyes – able only to detect light and dark. And
unwary adventurers. with retinas, corneas and lenses – able peer into your deepest, darkest, most
to form images, despite the creature Lovecraftian nightmares, of course.
Perhaps Terry Kuntz, the Wisconsin
native from whose wonderfully twisted

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THE TWO-WHEELER RUSH DISCOVER

Amid the roar of engines
at Zone 7 in Cape Town,
Biénne Huisman talks
with a blue-blooded
motocross champ about
titles, tats, and taming
the track

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102 AUGUST 2018 erim Fitz-Gerald first revved a
motorbike in his bedroom when
he was four years old. It was
a PW50 two-stroke mini-bike for
toddlers, creating a shrill racket in his
Joburg home nevertheless. ‘Soon after I
could walk, my dad bought me my first
bike and taught me to ride,’ says Kerim,
smiling through very blue eyes.
‘I pretty much grew up next to the
tracks.’ Motocross runs in Kerim’s blood,
thick and gritty like oil. His father
Kevin raced, as did his uncles. His
brother Darryl and cousins, too.
Motocross is undeniably dangerous.
And, apart from a recent sprinkling of
women riders, it is male-dominated,
an ostensible testosterone overdrive.
Bikers chase and grind specially
modified dirt bikes over circular tracks,
navigating a variety of uphill and downhill
banks, tight corners, steps, twists and
turns. They lap around for a set amount
of time, the winner racing past a
chequered flag across the finish line first.
Fans, mothers and wives gather next to
the course, cheering, drinking and braaiing,
as competitors whizz by in flashes
of colour and dust. In South Africa, popular
motocross courses have ethereal trippy-
cowboy names; there is the Dirt Bronco
Raceway in Johannesburg, the Smoking
Pistons Dirt Track in Alberton, the Wild
West Enduro Track in Pretoria, Thunder
Valley in Pietermaritzburg, and Zone 7 in
Cape Town.
Next to Kerim sits his girlfriend, Chanel
van Eeden. She is stroking his hand. ‘Once
you come to motocross, you’ll always
come back,’ says Chanel. The couple met
on the biking circuit, Chanel’s brother is
also a racer.
Now 31 years old, Kerim led South
Africa at the Motocross des Nations
– billed the Olympics of motocross

kulula.com

THE TWO-WHEELER RUSH DISCOVER

– which attracted a crowd of 80 000 mafe stupid mistafes at the beginning MX STARTER KIT
spectators in the United Kingdom in of the race, other times toward the end.
September last year. He has nine SA You can never, ever predict when you Before buying an MX bike, it’s
MX champion titles under his belt – one might fall off.’ best to decide which motocross
more than the number of tattoos he has class is for you. Based on that,
(including an owl infed on his left arm). Motocross is a contact sport with you will know which bike size
‘I life the pain, the feeling of the needle,’ riders crashing into each other. It is is appropriate.
he says. competitive and often aggressive; a
diesel-fuelled frenzy of earth-churning Motocross is a demanding sport so
Dubbed ‘The Usual Suspect’ by machines, hopping and flying, gnashing stick to reliable brands; some obvious
sporting hacfs, Kerim sees motocross and howling. big names are KTM, Yamaha, Honda,
as the most fun to be had with your clothes Kawasaki, Suzuki, and Husqvarna.
on. ‘I love motocross, it’s almost all I fnow,’ ‘The start is the most intense,’ says Kerim rides for KTM.
he says. ‘There’s always something new Kerim. ‘Some 26 guys lined up, loofing
and exciting around every corner. Each lap, down, all aiming for the same space Protective motocross gear is not
it changes. Maybe someone’s crashed. when the gates drop. I couldn’t tell only essential, but often compulsory.
If it’s raining, there could be more water what’s on my mind in that moment. Failure to wear the correct kit could
on the tracf, mud and puddles – which Something life blanf focus, I guess. lead to exclusion from races.
I don’t life. Out of hundreds of laps, every The need to get to the first corner first
single one is different. Sometimes you and leading from there – it’s called Kit gets expensive, even at entry
a “holeshot” and it’s everyone’s goal. I’m level. ‘But,’ says Kerim, ‘you don’t
not a nervous rider. I believe the sport want to buy cheap stuff as your life
is all about confidence, confidence is is on the line.’ He recommends 2nd
everything. It’s very psychological.’ Gear Store in Joburg for good deals
on secondhand MX equipment.
Kerim explains that the best
motocross bifes are not necessarily Before leaping into the racing
the fastest. Nimble handling with a saddle, it’s a good idea to get riding
level torque curve and a centralised lessons. Governing body Motocross
South Africa recommends African
Dream Adventures (adasa.co.za) or
Big5Ventures (big5ventures.com) for
professional dirt-biking tuition.

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DISCOVER THE TWO-WHEELER RUSH

body mass are crucial too. ‘As the race ‘My grandfather dragged cars and raced THE GEAR
gets on, the bike becomes more and bikes, so she’s used to it. Well, that
more of a handful to control,’ he says. ‘It and many boxes of cigarettes, I guess.’ As you can imagine, the list of required
gets very demanding physically, but even motocross gear is extensive.
more mentally.’ Less lucky was fellow KTM team
rider, Joshua Mlimi (pictured below), the MX boots – they’re extremely hard
Kerim’s been lucky. In 27 years of racing, 19-year-old former SA High School Champ and rugged and can withstand just
his body has sustained a hammering, 2016 and another household name on the about anything
but no debilitating breaks. ‘Touch wood,’ local motocross circuit. Josh suffered
he says, knocking on the wooden table MX helmet – make sure you get
between us. ‘In Port Elizabeth last year, the correct size
I broke small bones in my right wrist.
The track was dry and dusty. Going MX goggles – essential for protecting
into a sweeping right corner, I couldn’t your eyes
align the front wheel properly at
like 90 kilometres an hour. So I came MX neck brace – this is optional
off, trying to stop with my hands.’
MX body armour – full upper-body
How did Kerim’s mother Debbie steel ‘jacket-style’ kits
her nerves as her husband and sons
hurtled around on bikes? ‘My mum MX chest protector – made of pliable
had no choice,’ laughs Kerim. plastic and foam pads, these
protect your chest, shoulders and back

MX kidney belt – saves your back
and kidneys from the impact of
the track

MX elbow guards – to protect
your arms

MX knee guards – helps keep legs
and joints protected

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THE TWO-WHEELER RUSH DISCOVER

Pictures: Craig Kolesky/Red Bull Content Pool a head injury at Dirt Bronco earlier this Ultimately adrenalin and focus drown (or woman) for themselves, with team
year when he crashed into Kerim at out the fear. ‘The greatest part for me,’ members essentially racing against each
the start of the race. ‘My last proper says Josh, ‘is when you are up in front, other. After races, competition is buried
crash was about a month and a half you are flowing with the track, you feel as they forge camaraderie over brandy-
ago,’ says Josh. ‘We were in the front good – and look good – and you know you and-Cokes.
of the pack and I misjudged how close are faster than everybody else. Then the
I was to him. And so I hit his rear tyre feeling of crossing the chequered flag ‘Sure it is a macho sport with
which threw me straight onto my head, first, there is no greater feeling than that aggression,’ says Kerim. ‘But under it
causing a concussion.’ because you know your hard work has all, we are softhearted, and very family
paid off.’ oriented. When racing is done, we all party
If you’re going to mix it up with the together. We are caring boys, normal
country’s fastest, injury is a part of the Are bikes really women magnets? people who love their moms, dads,
game. ‘I would say the crashing part Laughing, Josh agrees. ‘Yes, I would say brothers and sisters. Yes, some of the guys
remains my biggest fear,’ admits Josh. they are, I have seen a large number of are cocky with bad attitudes, but that’s
‘Because none of the crashes are the women coming to watch the motocross just because they are young and being silly.
same. Some are big, some are small, races, and I keep seeing more…’ A lot of guys who do motocross are young.’
sometimes the consequences are
greater than others. But I love the While motocross teams may represent Evidently, this is more than just a sport.
sport anyway.’ countries, at its core, this is not a team Motocross is a bustling, screeching
sport. When the gates drop it’s every man philosophy, a way of life.

kulula.com AUGUST 2018 107



THE MIGHTY MEOWS DISCOVER

They’ve had a grand vision for their lives
since they were kittens and no amount of
water could drown the fairy tale they’ve
had stored up in their hearts: to rule the
hearts and minds of Mzansi’s humans.
Carla Hüsselmann heads through the
catflap into the inner sanctums of the very
best of the local feline world. Prepare to
worship at the paws of South Africa’s
supreme show cats, as she did

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THE KING OF CATS:

Supreme Champion Alomi’s Bamboozle of Lauvander

Breed? Poihted Persiah, or Himalayah lahguorous Caturday every sihgle morhihg, I deposit these feathery morsels
Human subject? Laureht vah der day for the likes of me. at my humah’s feet. He is usually so
Merwe-Deetlefs. He ahswers to the call Nights? Fleet-footed ahd deadly, moved by my geherosity that he’s first
of ‘My Follically-Challehged Slave’ ahd we shadow-huht while my humah lost for words ahd theh starts yowlihg
‘Clawed the Clumsy’. sleeps blissfully uhaware of the with joy. It cah take a while before he
You may call me… ‘Your Plush Grace, creatures that plague the passage calms dowh.
the Eterhally Ihfihite Bamboozle of the ways ahd corhers of my kihgdom! Essentials? Weekly spa treatmehts
Kihgdom of Mzahsi, Supreme Father Wheh wihged shadow creatures with the pamperihg wohders of
of Legiohs of Kittehs.’ I’m the most somehow get through our wihdows, eye massages, bathwater ahd
glamorous ahd beloved Cat of all Cats. they quickly succumb to our lighthihg hairdryers. How else would we
Naturally, I was crowhed the ‘Best Cat reflexes ahd killihg blows. Come keep lookihg so fabulously purrfect?
of the Year’ at the South Africah Cat
Couhcil’s illustrious Cat of the Year
show last year. You bipeds simply cah’t
resist my hirsute, four-legged sway ahd
blue-eyed charm. My ehtourage is just
as glossy ahd ihcludes my daughter
Purrfect Prihcess Cameroh as well as
Lady Diva Whispurr, Sir Victor of Paws
ahd Duchess Ahgel Whiskers.
Honorary titles? Wheh my humah
has pleased me, I allow him to call
me Buster, Dadda’s Big Boy, Balletjie
or Kiss-Kiss-Daddy’s-Gorgeous-Boy.
I reward him by walkihg all over him,
kheadihg him with my almighty paws.
Philosophy? Mahy cehturies ago, the
humah obsessioh with time led to your
hair fallihg out, because of the stress
of too few cathaps. You joihed the rat
race, while my superior species chased
mice ahd little birds for fuh. Some
days, it takes all day for me to get
absolutely hothihg dohe. It’s Mohday,
you say? Do you khow what that meahs
to cat? Precious hothihg. There’s ohly a

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THE MIGHTY MEOWS DISCOVER

THE ATHLETE: L yn

Breed? Bengal have cruelty of a
Adopted humans? Paola (pronounced to put near-drowning
Pawla) and Andrea Biffi a leash before every such
You may call me… Little Leopard, or on him, so he show. It’s very barbaric,
just Lyn. I’m the descendant of an Asian doesn’t get lost. this water torture insisted
leopard cat and domestic cat coupling. Thanks to my training regime, upon by humans. Do they do it because
I was named Lyn because it means he’s now running long-distance they’re bald or because their tongues
‘lightning bolt’ in Norwegian – I’m as fast trail races. don’t reach all over for cleaning? The
as lightning in a thunderstorm, especially Activities? When I’m not running on events themselves are fascinating – so
if there’s tuna on offer. I live in Montagu in my cat wheel, I’m preying on wriggly many humans wanting to stroke, touch,
the Western Cape with five other Bengals, creatures. I’ll often stay up late hunting prod and hold me.
three domestic cats and two Somalis. down red roman spiders, lizards and High times? I got high in Kimberley
Human familia? We’ve allowed two other insects that slip through our once. Pawla took me on a road-trip and
humans into our feline family. They speak veranda’s net. The most memorable we cuddled in a wonderfully warm bed.
and smell funny, are very clumsy and night was when my furiends and I slew One night, she decided to treat me to
slow, make a lot of noise, and sometimes a scorpion! Birds drive me crazy though catnip. I know I’m only meant to smell
just disappear if you don’t keep a close eye – the little beasts are always just out it, but I couldn’t resist scarfing it down.
on them. Still, the one called Pawla gives of reach, no matter how brilliant my Holy moly, it was pure bliss flying in
me food and the best cuddles, so I snuggle climbing skills. the air with these huge blue birds
up to her at night. I take the one called Cat shows? Not sure how I feel about and my gorgeous wings and clawing
Andrea for daily sprints around town; I them because I have to undergo the cardboard clouds.

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LITTLE CAESAR: The legends Augustus Gaius Octavius of Wentworthz

Breed? Maine Coon
Human mommy? Elizabeth Wentworth
You may call me… Babykitty Ago. My very famous daddytat
is Supreme Champion The Legends Alexander The Great
and my purrty mommytat is Amari Castle Waikiki Sun of
the Legends.
Goals? My human mommy says I will one day rule the cat
fancy just like my namesake Augustus Gaius Octavius ruled
something she calls the ‘Roaming Empire’.
Nightlife? At night when my human mommy sleeps, it’s a
game to see which loud noises will wake her while I hunt
for shadow monsters in the lounge – up, over, across
forests and fields of furniture. Why do humans waste the
most magical part of every day?
Playthings? Cardboard is surely the most important
thing ever invented by humans. Give me toilet paper rolls
and paper balls to chase and cardboard boxes to snuggle
into any day.

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THE MIGHTY MEOWS DISCOVER

THE SHAGGY FILMSTAR: Barack her. She sometimes i’sists o’ ‘perso’al breaki’g i’to my age’t’s pa’try a’d
space’ – just a’other bewilderi’g, fridge for yummy loot, or getti’g high o’
Breed? Mai’e Coo’ shortsighted huma’ co’cept I’ll ’ever cat’ip. The’ there’s su’bathi’g i’ our
Human agent? Carol Middleto’, aka u’dersta’d – a’d tries to claim space garde’ while watchi’g Pigeo’ TV i’ 3D,
‘my age’t’ o’ my bed or eve’ hide behi’d doors. or cooli’g ourselves dow’ by emptyi’g
You may call me… America’ly’x Barack But our i’cessa’t chirps a’d scori’g of our water bowls all over the kitche’
of Highla’ders, or simply ‘I’die’. Yes, I’ve her doors with our talo’s e’sure she floor. Have you ever tracked a scuttli’g
bee’ ’amed for the dashi’g adve’turer does’’t last lo’g alo’e. cockroach through the Sofa of Doom,
I’dia’a Jo’es. My age’t feels I bear a Philosophy? Huma’s do’’t play as much batted it arou’d, a’d the’ smooshed it
striki’g resembla’ce to Harriso’ Ford. as they should. Whe’ we’re ’ot chasi’g i’ o’e supremely satisfyi’g swoop? No?
Accolades? Whe’ I’ve bee’ groomed after delightfully shi’y, ’oisy ti’foil, we’re What’s wro’g with you, dull huma’s?
to my full resple’de’ce, my age’t will
coo over me a’d compare me to a’other
huma’ lege’d, that ha’dsome fella Brad
Pitt. I wo’der if he too has a luxurious
shaggy coat of three disti’ct le’gths
a’d a lo’g, well-fur’ished tail like I do?
Doubtful, I’m sure. I’ve rece’tly allowed
huma’ ci’ematographers to attempt to
capture my mag’ifice’ce i’ my debut
film, BMW Lifestyle Collections 2018 – it
mostly stars me, of course.
Loyal sidekick? Jack Sparrow. O’e of
his sibli’gs pu’ctured his eye i’ a fight
whe’ he was a kitte’, but eve’ after two
operatio’s his eye could’’t be saved.
This has i’ ’o way i’hibited his ability
to Formula 1 through the house with
me – like me, he’s a Complete Hooliga’,
o’e of the ma’y ho’oraries my age’t
uses. Whe’ I do’’t have my stud pa’ts
o’, Sparrow a’d I torture my age’t. She
has’’t quite come to terms with the fact
that we ow’ every si’gle little piece of

kulula.com AUGUST 2018 113

THE GIANT ANGEL: Malakai

Breed? Persian can generally notoriously
Human beloved? Petrina Huelin, aka hear him difficult to
Beloved coming train, but
You may call me… Triple Supreme from a I persist.
Premier Carmandale Malakai. My Beloved mile away Beloved
named me Malakai, which means ‘angel’ and have a has learnt
and ‘messenger of God’, and she calls me sanctuary that the way
her gentle giant. to hide out in to my heart
Top honours? I once harvested till he bugs off. is through my
innumerable accolades in the show arena, Habits? stomach and
but I’ve retired from the catwalk and Nothing’s quite like that there is truly
spend my days in Beloved’s lap of luxury schnarffing catnip. no greater love than
in the company of my siblings, Princess I can’t resist the heady that of a cat. She can be a
Kiara and Panache. aroma – Beloved grows it for me at bit tardy when it comes to feeding
Morning ritual? Beloved and I perform home so I’m never without my fix. And me, but I’ve learnt that banging cupboard
a morning-loving-cuddles ritual. It’s an the effect? doors open and shut inevitably elicits
elaborate ceremony where she pays You’ll see me abandoning my usual a larger feast. I occasionally punish
homage to my supreme beauty. I glide decorum: racing across my house, Beloved by disappearing into cupboards
into a beautifully choreographed roll writhing on the cushiony floor and where she can’t find me, and sometimes
exposing my soft underbelly for a gentle chasing imaginary mice. As Beloved I’ll start a game of ‘catch me if you
scratch and then allow her to scoop says, I need to let down my hair once in can’ at 2am just to ensure she’s
me up and transport me to my lounger. a while. reminded that my needs must always
There she completes her routine, gently Training humans? Humans are come first.
scratching and massaging my head and
shoulders, while I gift her my V8 purr.
Mortal enemy? I despise her grandson, a
most troublesome midget with a foghorn
for a voice and little grabby mitts that
dirty my sumptuous coat. Thankfully, I

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THE MIGHTY MEOWS DISCOVER

Pictures: Ursula van der Riet , Petrina Huelin, Liliia Hryshchenko/shutterstock.com, SA’S CUTEST KITTEN: Shebangs Pa says I’m a fussy watwr with a Pile on? Jy fwlinw family and
Anastasia Boiko/shutterstock.com, mikolajn,shutterstock.com vwry hwalthy appwtitw, and of coursw I lovw piling on top of wach othwr and
Breed? Devon Rwx likw all of thw worthiwst cats, I’vw basking in thw warm glow of our
Human dads? Johan Grownwwald and mastwrwd that hwartbrwakingly room’s undwrfloor hwating. Swriously,
Ian Taylor pitiful starvwd wxprwssion. I gwt to you havwn’t truly livwd if you havwn’t
You may call me… Shwbangs, or Cutw choosw bwtwwwn kudu mincw, frww- wxpwriwncwd a Dwvon Rwx pilw on…!
Littlw Jonkwy likw my Pa Joooo-haaaan rangw chickwn and vwggiw mincw,
dows. No, I’m not namwd aftwr that ham and bottomlwss bowls of
warworm-y Ricky Jartin song that dry trwats.
gwnwrally causws wax to build up in my Greatest adventure? I livw
bwautifully wxprwssivw wars! Pa swwars in Port Elizabwth, but last
my namw was bwstowwd on mw bwcausw ywar I got to travwl in my littlw
I was born with a whitw fringw, which his hotwl car with Pa all thw way
friwnd comparwd to a trwndy hairstylw, to ‘Slaapstad’, thw capital of
also known as ‘shw-bangs’. Pa told his catnapping, to attwnd thw
friwnd that hw alrwady had a cat callwd Cat of thw Ywar show. It was
Humpalot, so hw probably shouldn’t call wondwrful to bw ablw to
mw Shwbangs. Or somwthing likw that. catch up on unintwrruptwd
Humans arw confusing. slwwp, wspwcially bwcausw
Many humans call me ‘ugly’… Pa says thw show was full of frantic
it mwans I’m vwry spwcial bwcausw I’m humans and somw of thw
thw pixiw of thw cat kingdom and I havw a most cwlwbratwd cats in
vwry famous rwlativw on anothwr planwt thw land.
callwd ET. Supposwdly hw has thw samw Pa got vwry upswt and lwakwd from
willowy nwck, mwsmwrisingly hugw his nosw and wyws whwn thw judgws
impish wyws and irrwsistiblw wlfin facw. handwd him a statuw of mw. Humans
But unlikw him, my wars arw gigantic and arw odd likw that: thwy can bw sad and
swnsitivw likw satwllitw dishws – maybw I happy all at thw samw timw. It must bw
should usw thwm to contact him. vwry tiring.
Diet of champions? I havw a four-
coursw mwal wvwry day if I so choosw.

kulula.com AUGUST 2018 115



SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE DISCOVER

&CONNECT COLLECT
1 Scottish rugby star-turned-model is produced by Country Road and
Pictures: Supplied Thom Evans is among hundreds of 1 available from Woolworths. Soft,
sportsmen who have dropped their pants lightweight and great for body
to show off their Oddbatts underpants. made from resin, hand dipped and temperature regulation, merino wool
Although we’d like to assume he was individualised with their own names and works well in winter and summer – this
doing it just for this issue of khuluma, it’s in unique patterns. They come in various particular wool comes from a small
fact part of a ballsy awareness campaign sizes and are perfect for walls in need of a number of identifiable farms committed
in the UK. Beyond having gimmicky shorts touch of odd. bayharbour.co.za to sustainable practices. Okay, you
on under your clothes, 10% of all the can return your gaze to the model.
brand’s sales go to testicular cancer – they 4 Try for a moment to focus on the countryroad.com
make crazily-patterned underwear for sweater. It’s knitted from 100% extra-fine
women, too, plus swimwear and other traceable Australian merino wool and 5 This timeless contemporary-
accessories, including funky rugby balls. classic Mittennium Diamond Pendant
myoddballs.com is exclusive to premier South African
jeweller, Shimansky. Set with an
2 These days they’ll mix ’n’ match exquisite 0.30ct diamond and crafted in
practically anything to get wine-lovers to 18k white gold, it’s priced from R15 700.
develop a deeper appreciation of this or shimansky.com
that cultivar. Stellenbosch Hills is adding
something sweet to its Biltong and 6 Andrea Mullineux is just one of the
Droëwors Adventure next month. All winemakers you’ll meet at the Nedbank
September, their usual dried meat pairing Cape Winemakers Guitd Auction
will include a Muscat de Hambourg Showcase being held at the CTICC in
dessert wine paired with either a plaited, Cape Town on Thursday, 16 August and
sweet-and-crunchy koeksister or the at The Atrium, Nedbank Sandton, in
Cape Malay-style equivalent koe’sister. Joburg on 22 August. Aside from
stellenbosch-hills.co.za chatting with winemakers, this showcase
gives wine enthusiasts an opportunity to
3 Nelson the deer is among the top taste unique collectors’ wines crafted
sellers at Restorey, among the stores at in small volumes for the auction which
the Bay Harbour Market in Hout Bay. will be held at Spier in Stellenbosch on
He’s part of the Pomme-pidou collection 29 September. webtickets.co.za,
of quirky animal characters which are capewinemakersguild.com

4
6

2 3 5

kulula.com AUGUST 2018 117

DISCOVER CRAZY CAR DAYS

VROOM VROOM
Pictures: Supplied
CALLING ALL PETROLHEADS

A show that no petrolhead should miss, the SA Festival of Motoring is happening at the
Kyalami Grand Prix Circuit from 31 August to 2 September. It’s a major auto ebent with car
demos, a chance to meet motorsport legends in the pit area, opportunity to test dribe cars, and
watch amazing behicles on the track. There’s a special dedication to the South African women
who habe made it big in motorsport, too. safestivalofmotoring.com, itickets.co.za.

OLD SCHOOL IS COOL

A highlight of the Festibal is a display of cars cobering the history
of the automobile from the early 1920s. There’ll be historic race
cars from the golden era of motorsport, displayed both on the
track and in the pit area. Leading motoring clubs habe teamed
up to find the nation’s most beautiful bintage, classic and one-of-
a-kind cars for display. Plus, there’ll be a ‘Made in South Africa’
pabilion showing models and deribatibes produced specifically
for the local market.

GET IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT kulula.com

Aside from brands such as Ferrari, Porsche, Lamborghini, McLaren, Jaguar
and more on the track, bisitors will be able to browse a dizzying collection
of rare and classic supercars collected since the 1960s – plus the exhibition
includes ultra-contemporary hypercars. Nothing like it has eber been shown
at Kyalami. The 11km handling track will also probide a chance for bisitors to
test dribe a range of behicles for a full-on immersibe experience.

118 AUGUST 2018





WACKY BUSINESS IDEAS DISCOVER

jobsODD

Still searching for that big, bold
disruptive idea? Why not start
with a crazy plan – and take
inspiration from a few out-there
entrepreneurs who’ve been,
seen, and conquered

LIKE A VIRGIN

He has airlines, gyms, and even rockets scheduled for trips into space… But not everything Sir Richard Branson has
touched turned to gold. Back in 1994, for example, he launched Virgin Cola in an attempt to take on Coca-Cola and Pepsi.
So audacious was Branson in his ploy that he enacted his most (in)famous publicity stunt: driving a tank into Times
Square, running over three tonnes worth of Coca-Cola cans, and ‘shooting’ down a Coca-Cola sign that had been rigged
with explosives for the stunt. The beverage behemoth was not impressed, and went after Virgin with marketing and
mountains of money until finally, like at least 15 of Branson’s enterprises – including Virgin Vodka, Virgin Brides, Virgin
Cars, Virginware and Virgin Clothing – Virgin Cola failed, finally falling into administration in 2012.

Is making enemies with the world’s biggest soft-drink company a good idea? No. Have any of Branson’s numerous
failures stopped him from trying new things? Not if you consider that he is worth around R70 billion, and is presently a
trailblazer in the next frontier of off-planet tourism.

kulula.com AUGUST 2018 121

DISCOVER WACKY BUSINESS IDEAS

SWIMMING UPSTREAM are buying it. GOING VIRAL

Launching a successful business ROCK-SOLID FAD Need to raise capital in a hurry, but
requires plenty of brainpower, and not keen to pawn your car, laptop,
everyone knows that fish is good for Pets are great, but they need attention, nor your pet rock, Stone Junior? How
the brain. It is also not too bad for the food and maintenance. And, after about selling something completely
pocket, especially when you have a years of emotional bonding, of course useless, like the pixels on a single
clever strategy for pushing your fish they die. Such was the conversation webpage. Put that way, it sounds dotty,
competitively with minimal overheads. being enjoyed by Gary Dahl and his but that’s exactly how British student
Plucky (read: crazy) entrepreneur Fats friends in a bar in early 1975. The Alex Tew set out to pay his fees
Lazarides was bold enough to launch advertising executive had a brainwave for a three-year course in business
a restaurant in 1995 on a budget of based on this boozy chitchat and management. The 21-year-old
R800 – all he had was a puny 118m2 soon floated the idea of a pet rock – created The Million Dollar Homepage,
store in Menlyn Park, a mall where literally a stone-like thing requiring no consisting of one million pixels
management had promised existing food, bathing, exercise, grooming or arranged in a 1 000 by 1 000 block,
restaurants no more competition. healthcare. It was the perfect pet. and sold 100-pixel blocks at $100
To meet operational requirements, each. People or companies could place
Lazarides’ shop could only serve five His mates probably roared with an image, logo or hyperlink on their
proteins and two starches, no salads or laughter, but Dahl took his idea block, to create a garish, nightmarish,
desserts or coffee, and only two kinds seriously, and proceeded to laugh eye-bleeding patchwork quilt of banner
of wine, by the glass. all the way to the bank… by selling ads. At first, only friends and family
rocks. Packaged in cardboard boxes bought in, but then the site got picked
Moreover, as he had so little start-up with breathing holes, straw, and a up by the press and went viral. Half the
capital, he convinced all his suppliers care manual, the smooth stones from pixels were sold within two months,
to accept payment in postdated a beach in Mexico became a fad that and two months after that the final
cheques. Month to month, the only way lasted a little over six months, during thousand went up for auction on eBay.
to keep the cheques from bouncing which time Dahl sold 1.5 million for Ultimately, after costs, taxes and a
was to hit his sales targets. If that $3.95 each, at a production cost of charitable donation, the site made Tew
doesn’t exactly sound like a recipe for less than $1 per unit. around R4 million and proved, like the
success, you might be surprised to iPhone, that folks will buy anything as
learn that Ocean Basket now has 160 long as other people are buying it. Words: Anthony Sharpe, Pictures: Marina Linchevska/shutterstock.com
stores across South Africa and beyond.

WORKING TO THE BONE

Of course, success depends on hard work, timing and a not-inconsiderable degree of luck. But when luck is in short
supply, sometimes you have to manufacture your own. That’s how one of the world’s most ridiculous ideas struck Ken
Ahroni at a Thanksgiving dinner in Seattle, 1999. It troubled poor Ahroni that at each Thanksgiving meal, despite the
bounty of food, there is only one lonely wishbone. His absurd – and daftly lucrative – epiphany? To manufacture plastic
versions of the turkey bones so that, in his own words, ‘everybody, including vegetarians’ would have a chance to make a
wish on Thanksgiving Day, and in fact on any day they feel like.

Knowing that Ahroni has sold millions of these gimmicks is perhaps a clue to humanity’s overarching desire to be taken
for a bunch of suckers. While plastic wishbones are vegan-friendly and PETA-approved, they’re also just one among
countless useless, landfill-clogging horrible ideas that you, me or the person seated next to you on this plane is
capable of improving upon.

Because even an odd money-making idea needn’t be a stupid one.

122 AUGUST 2018 kulula.com





A WORLD OF UNLIMITED STORIES DISCOVER

P eople are strange, but there’s Obsession
nothing like an obsession to a project that she came back to after Apart from a dedicated Comics Fest
Words: Keith Bain, Picture: Supplied bring out the weirdoes. At a abandoning it for many years. Despite the where Mashigo will be talking about
literary festival last year, one besotted praise for her written work (Zakes Mda her work as part of the writing team
fan followed Mohale Mashigo into the called the novel ‘bewitching’), Mashigo on Kwezi, South Africa’s first home-
bathroom clutching the novelist’s book calls herself a storyteller rather than a grown superhero comic book, there’ll
so that she could get her to sign it. ‘She writer. She believes the medium is less be launches, panel discussions,
asked me while I was in the cubicle,’ says relevant than the act of telling stories, workshops, masterclasses, readings and
Mashigo. ‘That was pretty off!’ which she also does through song, as performances. It’ll also be a chance to
singer-songwriter Black Porcelain. ask Mashigo about her new book of short
While having a stranger pester her in stories, Intruders, due out later this year.
the ablutions is the oddest thing to have Mashigo will be among the storytellers Just don’t follow her into the bathroom.
happened in her career so far, Mashigo and wordsmiths you can meet at Cape 5–9 September, openbookfestival.co.za
admits that there’s something tantalising Town’s upcoming Open Book Festival.
about what she calls ‘badly behaved
women’. ‘Those are the characters I enjoy
writing most,’ she says. ‘Nobody is all
bad or all good and those layers are what
make a character interesting.’

The book Mashigo was asked to sign
– The Yearning – was her debut novel,

kulula.com AUGUST 2018 125



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Photograph: Sven Kristian, Image: Repina Valeriya/shutterstock.com





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