Khuluma Mag Feb 2020

RENEGADE FOOD EXPERIENCE

Can bad food make us mean, bring on a bad mood, or turn
us into horrid hooligans? And if dastardly dining makes

us nasty, how can we adjust our feeding habits to become
better humans? Our food writer speculates

TETMAPNTERRUMS FEBRUARY 2020 49
CONASNEDQOUTEHNECRESDIOAFBODLIRICEADLINING
kulula.com

e are what we eat. status, use of alcohol and tobacco,
Those who eat badly those who consumed high levels
generally behave of trans-fats in their diets were
worse. And there are so significantly more likely to manifest
many ways to eat and behave badly… belligerent and antagonistic behaviour
Take trans-fatty acids which are found than those with lower levels.
in all sorts of margarines, biscuits,
pies, confectionary and fast foods. The mechanism behind the food
Or rather, don’t take them. Trans- mood mania seems to be that trans-
fats are generally made by adding
hydrogen to unsaturated vegetable
oils to make them easier to blend with
other ingredients, more palatable, to
enhance their thermodynamic stability
and increase shelf life.
All of which sounds good except
that they have also been associated
with high cholesterol levels,
insulin resistance, heart problems
and… temper tantrums. Research
undertaken in 2012 by Professor
Beatrice Golomb at the University
of California’s San Diego School of
Medicine found that, after controlling
for age, sex, education, economic

FEEDING SKIP THE STEAK GO FOR GRASS-FED
BEGHOAOVDIOUR
Instead opt for protein, fibre, zinc and Eat small amounts of high-quality grass-fed
STILL INTERESTED IN A DIET THAT’S folic-acid packed grains and beans and beef and dairy. Grass-fed beef has measurably
AS GOOD FOR THE PLANET AS IT IS seeds which are inexpensive, available more antioxidants and fewer
FOR YOUR MENTAL AND PHYSICAL everywhere and generally have a inflammatory fatty acids than
relatively small carbon footprint. If you grain-fed beef. Milk from grass-
HEALTH? HERE’S OUR GOURMET choose indigenous sorghum (mabele), fed cows is higher in alpha-
GUIDE TO WHERE AND WHAT TO EAT it is super-water-wise too. Try the linolenic acid, an omega-3 fat.
superb sorghum, cacao cake with In both cases, grass feeding
an umqombothi custard at the uber- dramatically reduces a cow’s
ethical but utterly non-judgy Brik Cafe environmental impact. Head
in Rosebank, Joburg. facebook.com/ for Nottingham Road’s Fork ’n
brikcaferosebank Cleaver at Netherwood Farm –
the free-range, hormone-free beef
is garnished with gorgeous KZN Midlands’
views. netherwoodfarm.com

50 FEBRUARY 2020 kulula.com

RENEGADE FOOD EXPERIENCE

fats interfere with the metabolism higher consumption levels amongst
of omega-3 which has been shown economically disadvantaged
experimentally to reduce aggression communities. International standards
and other anti-social activities. suggest that trans-fats should make
In February 2011, South Africa became up no more than 2% of total energy
the first middle-income developing consumption but this is often exceeded
country to enact legislation against amongst South Africa’s urban poor
trans-fats, setting a limit on their who consequently carry an extra
content in oils and fats either alone burden of disease and anti-social food-
or as processed foods. The legal limit induced acting out.
for human consumption is 2 grams per
100 grams, while any product labelled Still skeptical? A 2002 Oxford
as ‘trans-fat-free’ must contain less University study led by criminologist
than 1 gram per 100 grams. Bernard Gesch found that giving prison
inmates vitamin B6 and omega-3 fatty
TRANS-FAT acid supplements resulted in violent
TRANSGRESSIONS offences dropping by 37% compared
to 10% for those who were given
While such public-health a placebo. Gesch told The Ecologist
measures are welcomed, they magazine that, ‘having a bad diet
don’t really protect all sectors of is now a better predictor of future
society equally. The inclusion of violence than past violent behaviour…’.
trans-fats in industrially produced He also concluded that what a person
food makes it last longer which eats is a better predictor of criminal
often allows it to be sold at behaviour than even a diagnosis of
a cheaper price which results in psychopathy among inmates.

AIM FOR EGG-CELLENCE SKIP THE SALMON, EAT WITH KINDNESS
SAVOUR SNOEK
Eggs are also one of the most climate- For a dose of the scientifically proven,
friendly sources of animal protein. Snoek is a SASSI green-listed oily fish. endorphin-prompted sensation known
Recent research has found that pasture- 2017 research from Cape Peninsula as ‘helper’s high’, try Syrup breakfast
raised eggs contain more vitamin A, B6, University of Technology’s Department and brunch bar on Bree Street. It’s
magnesium, iron and omega-3 than eggs of Food Technology and Stellenbosch a non-profit business which donates
produced in any other way. They also University’s Department of Animal all proceeds to deserving
taste better as diners discover at Sciences concluded that Cape snoek Cape Town causes.
The Scone Shack situated on an contains similar amounts of omega-3 to The feel-good menu
entirely off-grid farm near Cape Point. As salmon. Julie Carter at Ocean Jewels in includes wonderful
you arrive, the chickens who lay the eggs Woodstock, Cape Town has a teeny tiny, waffles and fabulous
for the scones are running around freely utterly ethical deli adjacent to her main French toast.
at your feet. facebook.com/SconeShack retail outlet where the snoek samosas syrupbreakfast.co.za
are cracklingly crisp and magnificently
mood improving. oceanjewels.co.za

kulula.com FEBRUARY 2020 51

EXPERIENCE RENEGADE FOOD

The most important Sadly, while many of the ingredients but that is often the
ingredients to create pleasant involved may work at an individual end result.
people appear to be unsaturated level, they are not entirely stress-free Scoffing steak or
fatty acids (especially the omega-3 when considered in the wider context. salmon may give
types), zinc, magnesium, iron, Very few of us purchase our food or us the benefit of
folate and the B vitamins, which make restaurant reservations with the a mood-food boost,
happen to be those in which the intention of causing climate crisis or but now we are told
prisoners in the Oxford study sponsoring crimes against humanity that consuming meat
were most deficient. and fish are major
contributors to global
For the experiment, those ecological disaster.
prisoners popped pills, but There are sustainable
all of these nutrients are beef and salmon
also found in food. A juicy suppliers but they are
steak is packed full of zinc, few and far between.
B6, iron and other similar
good-for-you stuff. Salmon, The personal
hazelnuts and almonds contentment
are an excellent source of topping the
of omega-3. aforementioned fish

KEINTTCEHRETNHSEHRINK with a hazelnut crust
fades when faced
There are thousands of cookbook with the fact that
authors and chefs offering to cook up three quarters of the world’s hazelnuts
health, happiness, serenity and socially are produced in Turkey where a 2019
acceptable behaviour. It is almost BBC investigation found significant use
impossible to open a newspaper of child labour. Often Syrian refugee
lifestyle section without seeing kitchen child labour.
shrink style suggestions for cooking Almond production is often
your way out of challenging situations. unsustainably water intensive. The
most common food industry

52 FEBRUARY 2020 LEARNING TO LOVE ASPARAGUS

Meik Wiking is the CEO of the world’s first Happiness Research Institute, founded in Copenhagen in 2013, and is also
known as the Indiana Jones of Smiles. He’s the author of The Little Book of Hygge and The Little Book of Lykke, both
packed with inspiration for a happier life. Now there’s The Art of Making Memories which offers insight into creating
happy memories and shares advice on how to create moments that you want to remember forever.

Quite a number of the experiments and research activities described in Wiking’s new book revolve around food,
which seems obvious when you think about just how easily food flavours and aromas trigger all sorts of memories and
emotions, feelings of nostalgia and longing. Sometimes a taste results in pure bliss simply because of its associations
with a moment in the past. One experiment he discusses revolves around people being coaxed into developing extreme
yearnings for asparagus simply by having false childhood memories of eating the vegetable implanted by way of
suggestion. The study, ‘Asparagus, a Love Story – Healthier Eating Could Be Just a False Memory Away,’ showed
that if we believe we enjoyed a certain food as children, we are more likely to want to eat it (and even pay more for
it) as adults. It suggests that we can train ourselves to eat better, or more healthily, by creating positive emotional
associations with certain kinds of food. There is also advice on using food and cooking as a way of actively making
happy memories for ourselves. Wiking’s book is from Penguin Random House and is out now.

kulula.com



EXPERIENCE RENEGADE FOOD

APPARENOTRLGYA,NTICHEFOMOEDRME AAKCETSOYFOTUHMINEKAINNG ABOUT

replacement for trans-fats is palm oil. Brown University neuroscientist Words: Keith Bain, Pictures: Keli van der Weijde, Hein van Tonder, Claire Gunn, Supplied
Rainforests have been cleared to make Rachel Herz’s 2017 book, Why You
way for palm plantations and a 2016 by UC San Diego Professor Wendy Liu Eat What You Eat: The Science Words: Anna Trapido, Pictures: jattumongkhon/istock.com
Amnesty International report noted entitled ‘Grapes of Wrath: The Angry Behind Our Relationship with Food, is
that: ‘Even palm plantations that have Effects of Self Control’ concluded that full of fascinating stories about the
been certified as “sustainable” often ‘exerting self-control leads to feelings intersection of food, neuroscience and
show signs of severe human rights of anger’. Liu asked her student study conduct. Apparently, the mere act of
abuses including child labour and subjects to pick between fruit or fast thinking about organic food makes
forced labour.’ food, ostensibly as a reward for taking you mean. In one study, people who
part in a linguistic experiment, and were given pictures of apples labelled
More moved by the plight of then questioned them about anger ‘organic’ to look at proved much more
animals? The Guardian newspaper issues and the extent to which they judgemental and condemning of others
recently reported that 100 000 Borneo acted upon angry thoughts. Those who when asked to make moral judgements
orangutans have been lost in the last made the healthier fruit choice not only about behaviour, versus people who
16 years alone. ‘Lost’ of course is felt angrier, but also acted upon their had been shown pictures of comfort
a euphemism for death by bullet, angry impulses to a greater extent foods. When those same groups of
beating and habitat destruction. than their junk-food choosing chums. people were asked to volunteer a few
minutes of their time, the organic
ORGANICALLY NASTY apples group offered half as much time
as those who had looked at desserts.
Even if eating well at an individual
level is more important to you than Which just goes to show that an
the happiness of baby orangutans, apple a day might keep the doctor
the mood-food connection is not away from you personally, but the
a simple switch. Apparently exercising public health consequences of apple
will power and making the ‘healthy’ eaters being mean and angry are
choice to resist junk food also causes ominously apparent…
anger and aggression. A 2011 paper

54 FEBRUARY 2020 kulula.com









STREAKS AHEAD EXPLORE

EXPLORE
Here. There. Everywhere.

Words: Keith Bain, Picture: Supplied DEVIL MAY CARE

The jury’s still out on whether or not it’s acceptable to tuck your cellphone into your Speedo, but such concerns about what
you’re packing should be the last thing on your mind if you’ve signed up for next’s month’s Daredevil Run. The annual

awareness-raising event takes its stripped-down male participants on a 5km footrace through Joburg – from Zoo Lake to
Parktown. Everyone who runs does so in a purple Speedo sporting a cheeky slogan themed around the event’s testicular cancer

awareness campaign. If you’ve ever wanted to explore Jozi while letting it all hang out, here’s your chance – plus there’s an
opportunity to get in on the conversation around men’s health. You will also be contributing to cancer research, testing and
counselling in underprivileged communities. About 4 000 men are expected to be at the start on 13 March. daredevilrun.com

61 73 93Dastardly destinations Short, back and sides Writing on the walls
82 102 110PLUS Coffee’s civilised cousin Parliamentary scraps
Upstart artists

kulula.com FEBRUARY 2020 59



SCALLYWAG DESTINATIONS EXPLORE

NOATFSTEORNAALSLTY

Questionable reputations. Unpromising back stories. Some places seem
bereft of allure. We asked our writers to report back on six places with

hooligan histories

kulula.com FEBRUARY 2020 61

1 IRELAND’S industrialised city, the world’s linen, During that socially crippling period,
COMEBACK rope-making and shipbuilding leader. Sadly, Belfast’s centre was frequently reduced
KID though, the colonial presence fuelled to a ghost town, but the last two decades
endless Catholic-Protestant conflict which have seen it reborn as a lively and
Concentrated around a vast natural harbour, reached its pinnacle in the second half of cosmopolitan cultural hub, rich with
the 20th century, when Belfast became historic pubs, wondrous architecture, and
Belfast started out as a Catholic village capital of a new Northern Ireland. By 1969, giddy optimism. Despite the new lease on
it was a hotbed of sectarian strife that tore life, though, physical battle scars remain.
400 years ago. It became the focus for society apart as the streets became On Great Victoria Street (aka Golden Mile),
a battleground and the focal point of ‘The opposite the glittering mosaic exterior of
Britain’s Plantation of Ulster, when English Troubles’ which lasted until 1998. the Crown Liquor Saloon and next door to

aristocrats were deployed to settle the land,

establishing a prosperous outpost built first

on merchant trade and later manufacturing.

Victorian-era Belfast was Ireland’s most

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SCALLYWAG DESTINATIONS EXPLORE

the beautiful Grand Opera House, stands 2 ALASKA’S BAD BOY
Europa, the world’s most bombed hotel In 1896, gold was discovered in Canada’s Yukon Territory. This led to the Klondike
(36 attacks since its opening in 1971). The Gold Rush and the overnight development of Skagway, a town in the armpit of southeast
Golden Mile also divides the city centre Alaska that became known as the ‘Gateway to the Klondike’. By the spring of 1898, Skagway
from less-prosperous West Belfast, had 8 000 residents with another 1 000 miners passing through the town each week.
which was ground-zero for the bitterest Back then a member of the North-West Mounted Police described Skagway as ‘little
conflict during The Troubles. Here, where better than a hell on earth’. The problem was that everyone who arrived hoping to make
ugly reminders of the past – schools and their fortunes promptly discovered that there was no gold in Skagway – prospective miners
playgrounds shrouded by ominously high still had to travel 500 miles to reach the gold fields. A prospector needed to take a tonne of
fences and fortified police stations – still supplies on that journey or risk starving during the winter – few could really afford to go on.
linger, communities are hard at work Many young women who arrived with plans to get rich quickly found themselves stranded in
rebuilding society through innovative Skagway where they were forced to become dancehall entertainers or prostitutes in order
projects. One inter-community organisation to survive. And so, with desperate women and thwarted men, the town transformed into
called Coiste runs fascinating walking a hotbed for all sorts of amoral depravity.
tours led by Loyalist and Republican ex- At its peak, in fact, the rough frontier town had 70 saloons and dancehalls, most of which
prisoners who share first-hand accounts were houses of ill-repute – virtually every two-storey building was a saloon with
of what went down – and why. You’ll see a brothel upstairs. The Red Onion Saloon – among the era’s finest watering holes and one
artistically rendered political murals of Skagway’s most expensive bordellos – has transformed its second floor into a brothel
covering one of the most famous ‘peace museum, with tours conducted by female bartenders who play the part of madams from
walls’, erected to divide Shankill from that period. The museum is known to be haunted by one of the so-called ‘soiled doves’
the Falls, a spine-chilling reminder of the who worked there, a young woman named Lydia who hanged herself when her shame
hatred that drove neighbours to persecute turned to despair.
and kill one another. Your Falls guide – The Klondike Gold Rush did not last long. By 1899 it was all but over. These days,
a former IRA prisoner – will point out bullet Skagway has barely 1 000 residents and its reputation has greatly improved. It’s nicknamed
holes, key locations, and notable buildings the ‘Garden City of Alaska’ and is a popular stop on cruises through the Inside Passage
where ‘stuff went down’, all the while – passengers disembark to get a look at the preserved Gold Rush-era buildings, tour the
relating a history that’s both thrilling brothel museum, sip a pint at the Happy Endings Saloon, and take a gander at the former
and heartbreaking; everyone here lost Arctic Brotherhood Hall, the most photographed building in Alaska, which is a visual
someone in the violence, which makes curiosity because it’s covered with over 8 800 pieces of driftwood.
forgetting very hard. On the other side
of the wall, Shankill is the Protestant
nucleus where visits to the creepy and
infamous Crumlin Road Gaol today include
paranormal tours recounting its grisliest
history. The gaol, which opened in 1845,
functioned until 1996 and housed such
inmates as Gerry Adams, Eamon De Valera,
and Lenny Murphy, the leader of the
Shankill Butchers.

In the whispered asides and darker
corners of Belfast, one senses the slightest
glimmer of anxiety that the balance of
peace is a nimble tightrope walk. It’s a
misfit reborn and working hard to maintain
its renewed dignity.

kulula.com FEBRUARY 2020 63

SLATED FOR DEMOLITION TO MAKE
WAY FOR THE EXPANDING HARBOUR
IN THE 1970S, DOEL HAS BECOME AN
APOCALYPTIC WONDERLAND

3 BELGIUM’S ‘When I was young, all of this was covered in graffiti and murals, bright
DOOMED green, with grazing cows,’ says Frank, splashes of colour against a canvas of
DELINQUENT? gesturing out the window. ‘We used to decay – a heady mix of vandalism and
come here for picnics. Well, things have intentional art.
In Belgium’s diamond-trading city of changed. Not for the worse, necessarily.
But things have changed.’ Having read about Belgium’s doomed
Antwerp, Airbnb host Frank kindly village of Doel on niche blog sites,
In a small country like Belgium – I was curious. Virtually a ghost town, it’s
offers to take us to the village of Doel which is roughly one and a half times not a destination advertised on regular
the size of the Kruger National Park – tourist maps. These are inclined to flaunt
by car. Situated 20 kilometres from industry certainly leaves its mark. Antwerp's more conventional attractions:
its gorgeous Art Nouveau railway station;
Antwerp on the River Scheldt, Doel Frank veers the car onto a narrow its diamond-dealing district and the tangle
road flanked by trees and shrubberies, of alleys and restaurants around its
is not accessible by public transport. pouring over crumbling walls. Ahead, Gothic cathedral and historic town square.
empty buildings line streets. They are
In fact, getting there involves navigating

a complex system of barricaded

roads past wind turbines and jutting

steel monstrosities, across bleak

industrial flatland.

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SCALLYWAG DESTINATIONS EXPLORE

Rubens. As Antwerp expanded in the 4 AMSTERDAM’S
20th century, its port needed more space. MONKEY BAR
Slated for demolition to make way for
the expanding harbour in the 1970s, The In’t Aepjen (‘In the Apes’, roughly) is a bar
Doel has become an apocalyptic
wonderland, caught in the crosshairs five minutes on foot from Amsterdam’s Centraal
of a political battle.
Station – and a stone’s throw from the Red Light
Passionate protests have prevailed, with
home-owners fighting government orders. District. It’s located in one of the city’s oldest
Most inhabitants left just before 2000,
when they were offered cash to voluntarily buildings, one of only two wooden buildings that
sell their properties. From a population of
around 1 300 in the early 1970s, just over survived the Great Fire of 1452.
20 eviction-defying inhabitants remain.
In the 17th century, In’t Aepjen was a popular
Over the years, as residents trickled
out of Doel, artists moved in. Top street hangout for seafarers of the Dutch East India
painters have covered its boarded-up
buildings in striking murals, notably Company and an inn sleeping penniless sailors
famous Belgian street artist ROA, whose
animal forms adorn world city facades in the roof. Legend has it that one of the sailors
– including in London and New York, and
in Cape Town’s Woodstock, too. In Doel, settled his debt with a monkey that he brought
he created a large sparrow on a peeling
redbrick house. from the Far East. Soon other sailors followed suit.

Around us, row upon row of empty It didn’t take long for the lodgings to be overrun
homes are covered in eye-poppingly bright
colours and doodles. There’s a forlorn with monkeys as well as fleas and lice. Back
children’s playground and an empty
church. Today, a lone pub called Doel 5, then, if you scratched your head or armpits in the
housed in a squat three-storey building,
serves Stella Artois and simple dishes to morning, it probably meant that you had spent the
visiting photographers and tourists.
previous night at In’t Aepjen. To this day, the Dutch
Doel 5 is in Pastorijstraat, where most
of the village’s last inhabitants reside. say, ‘Je bent in de aap gelogeerd’ (which roughly

Two houses down the road, from an translates to ‘you’ve been staying with monkeys)
upstairs window, a dog peers at passersby.
However, Doel has become popular with Against the home’s exterior wall are signs to indicate that someone is in a spot of trouble; it’s
a more offbeat breed of traveller, those and posters in Flemish. ‘We will leave Doel
with a taste for abandoned places. over our dead bodies,’ reads one. also the slogan for Aepjen beer.

We park next to the river, where the Doel’s fate still hangs in the balance. To solve the itching problems, the monkeys
Doel Nuclear Power Station dominates Sipping on a beer at Doel 5, Frank seems
the skyline; grey gas billowing up. Doel’s unperturbed by this fact. He shrugs. An were supposedly given to a regular customer
four nuclear reactors produce electricity Antwerp local for 62 years, Frank is
for consumers in Belgium, France and the a teacher. He has children from 56 eventually. He kept them in his garden which
Netherlands, says Frank. nationalities in his classrooms, he
says. Belgium is diversifying, the evolved into the Artis Amsterdam Royal Zoo.
For some 400 years, Doel stood near landscape is changing. Personally,
the bustling harbour city of Antwerp he’s okay with that. Nowadays, In’t Aepjen’s primate spirit is kept
on the Scheldt River, with a sizeable
population including family of the alive by a troop of wooden monkeys that cling
renowned Belgian painter Peter Paul
to a branch on one bar counter, a gorilla with

a hat who plays a violin on a windowsill and

a fluffy monkey who peers from inside a bird

cage dangling from the ceiling. And wherever

you look there are oil paintings, vintage posters

and porcelain ornaments of monkeys.

kulula.com FEBRUARY 2020 65

5 AUSTRALIA’S
HELLISH ultimate end-of-the-world outpost, a gulag Neck, the story goes that no prison walls
PARADISE for the worst criminals on earth. A rough, were required because this peninsular neck
inhospitable wilderness, it was reported to was patrolled by vicious, starving dogs
From the moment I learnt to read a map, be some sort of living hell. dissuading inmates from trying to escape.

I started tracing a finger around the Tasmania’s biggest penal settlement, Escape by swimming was impossible,
Port Arthur, is now a vast museum where too. Not only is the water icy cold but
contours of far-flung Tasmania, the lingering energies of thousands of on a boat tour to observe the ragged
miserable convicts are captured during an coastline, it’s possible to observe that
fantasising about its curious marsupials, after-dark ghost tour. We were led around much of Tasmania’s southern shore
by a lantern-wielding man who frightened rises vertiginously from the sea, forming
cut-off island-folk, and presumed the daylights out of us using haunted dramatic drop-away cliffs pounded by
ruins, strange glowing shapes in the trees, ocean swell. The monumental sea stacks
mysteries of genetic segregation. and assistants hidden behind corners. By and arches are utterly exquisite, but the
day, though, the place seems perfectly furious water is deadly dangerous.
Once upon a time, Van Diemen’s Land harmless, albeit strewn with time-ravaged
ruins from the mid-1800s when Australia’s Some convicts who did attempt escape
was deemed the world’s most frightening worst repeat offenders were interred here. and sought to make their way to China on
foot were reported to have lost their way
prison, the nastiest convict colony in Connected to the rest of Tasmania by somewhere in the island’s wild interior and
a sliver of isthmus called Eaglehawk resorted to cannibalism.
the realm, an untamed hellhole so far

from civilisation that any connection

with humanity apparently disintegrated

on arrival. The island’s mysterious

reputation inspired Jonathan Swift to set

Gulliver’s Travels here in 1726 – Lilliput

was supposedly located off Tasmania’s

coast. The whole world considered it the

VAN DIEMEN'S LAND WAS ONCE DEEMED
THE WORLD'S MOST FRIGHTENING PRISON,
AN UNTAMED HELLHOLE SO FAR FROM
CIVILISATION THAT ANY CONNECTION WITH
HUMANITY DISINTEGRATED ON ARRIVAL

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SCALLYWAG DESTINATIONS EXPLORE

Tasmania certainly has its quirks. I drove DIMINUTIVE TASMANIAN
around the island, avoiding road-crossing DEVILS THROW SNARLING
marsupials and picking up crazed story- HISSY FITS WHEN THEY
spinning hitchhikers who appeared like GET INTO A MOOD
pilgrims out of nowhere. I met a semi-sane guy
whose hobby was buying lawnmower-powered FEBRUARY 2020 67
aeroplanes off eBay (‘because you can fly ’em
without a licence’), and I strolled the streets
of quaint settler towns, conversing open-
heartedly with total strangers. Definitely weird.

Tassie’s capital, Hobart, is a small, sprawling
harbour town once famous only as the
birthplace of Hollywood heartthrob, Errol
Flynn. Visitors spend time strolling between
the yachts moored at Sullivans Cove, or eating
their way through the mile-long labyrinth of
hippie-farmer stalls at Saturday’s Salamanca
Market, or setting off on hikes up snow-dusted
Mount Wellington which looms over the town.
Since 2011, Hobart’s biggest attraction has
been one of the world’s most unusual galleries,
MONA (the Museum of Old and New Art).
It was built by a local celebrity-millionaire-
gambler who calls it a ‘subversive adult
Disneyland’. Its central themes are sex and
death, and it courts controversy by displaying
works such as a suicide bomber sculpted
in chocolate.

Prison poltergeists and postmodern art
aside, Tasmania’s real virtue, though, is its
bewitching beauty. Its raw wilderness is rife
with rainforests, craggy mountains, alpine
moors, lakes, waterfalls, and sweeping valleys.
Its Wineglass Bay is one of the most dazzling
slivers of beach you’ll ever set eyes on, and
a hike through Cradle Mountain-Lake St Clair
National Park will take your breath away.

The island possesses the craziest wildlife,
too. From diminutive Tasmanian devils that
throw snarling hissy fits when they get into
a mood, to fairy penguins, albino wallabies,
muttonbirds, and echidnas on rural Bruny
Island, a short ferry trip from the mainland.
Tasmania today is no far-flung hell. It is
heaven on earth.

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SCALLYWAG DESTINATIONS EXPLORE

6 AMERICA’S legendary buffets, gawk at gobsmacking men to its ‘dude ranches’ where they’d wait
SIN CAPITAL architecture, and sin to their heart’s while their marriages were overturned.
content. It’s simultaneously mesmerising
From my window seat as my plane came and – for those with limited self-control – Gambling was legalised in 1931, and the
potentially bankrupting. idea of constructing casino resorts took
in to land, I could clearly make out the hold shortly after World War II. By 2000, it
Stuck out here in the desert, your first was the largest city in the US to have been
unmistakable skyline of The Strip, an question is why it exists at all. It may be founded in the 20th Century. Today, it’s the
all glass and chrome and fakery today, but country’s fastest-growing metro.
architectural juggernaut of casino-hotels, when Vegas was established in 1829, it
was a fertile spring-fed valley – its name, Its talent has always been for revenue
malls and depravity all artificially set in Spanish, means ‘The Meadows’. The generation rather than aesthetics, though;
Mormons even built a fort here, as it’s not a pretty place. Beyond The Strip,
aglow by neon, flickering LEDs, and a hitching post between Los Angeles and it’s an ugly sprawl of concrete, open
Salt Lake City. When it was proclaimed parking lots, wide boulevards and
pulsating strobes. a city in 1911, Vegas soon became popular gargantuan billboards.
as a centre for ‘quickie’ divorces, attracting
It was Saturday, and it felt as if the entire But nobody seems concerned. Most
people stick to the central hub of tourist-
universe had descended on Las Vegas – to infestation where the megalithic hotels are
all clustered together into one continuous
soak up the sun, shake their hips, lounge money pit.

in front of the slot machines, and prop up The madness was already in full swing
as I stood with the new arrivals forming
a million bars. It’s a modern-day Gomorrah an interminable snaking queue at the
reception of the Luxor, my big black
that lures people to party, to throw pyramid-shaped hotel (which has around
4 400 rooms). Those already checked-in
money into a bottomless pit, to bulk up on were zeroing in on the shrill-screaming slot
machines in a frenzy of wilful expenditure.
Lined up at these contraptions, rows and
rows of transfixed losers deposited their
dimes and dollars as they sipped
free drinks delivered by an army of
retirement age cocktail waitresses in
unflattering outfits.

Just as acute as the buzz of indoor
gambling, there’s heavy human traffic
on the sidewalks linking the hotels.
Overflowing with tourists searching for
superficial mischief, it’s an ongoing visual
assault. All around are electronic billboards,
celebrity impersonators, crazy homeless
folk, crazy tourists, crazy deals on show
tickets – it’s a total lunatic asylum where
everyone’s permanently searching for
the next big thrill. The madness on offer
includes the Las Vegas Machine Gun
Experience, a spin in a genuine jet

kulula.com FEBRUARY 2020 69

EXPLORE SCALLYWAG DESTINATIONS

fighter plane, helicopter flips to the Grand from the shop across the road. I witnessed the corner from the museum, stands the Words: Keith Bain, Biénne Huisman, Ilse Zietsman, Pictures: Keith Bain, Biénne Huisman, Ilse Zietsman, StefanieDegner/istock.com, jirivondrous/istock.com, dbptas/istock.com, littleny/istock.com,
Canyon, time in any number of strip clubs, an Elvis ‘Blue Hawaii’ wedding, one city’s oldest surviving hotel, El Cortez, once LukeWaitPhotography/istock.com, ojphoto/istock.com, William Barton/istock.com, rez-art/istock.com, Debbie Ann Powell/istock.com, John Leech/istock.com
or – just beyond the county limits – brothels involving a fully functional pink Cadillac, owned by mobster Bugsy Siegel. Pulling in
by the hour, all 100% legal. and another ceremony presided over by gamblers since 1941, its lobby remains
Darth Vader. The weddings are short, a hotbox of cigarette smoke emanating
The most bizarre thing I saw was sweet, and unconventionally romantic. from rows and rows of retirees glued to the
a young guy with a sign saying he’d let you fruit machines, blowing their pensions.
kick him in the balls for $20 – failing that, After the kitsch fabulousness of the
his sign said, he’d pose for photos for a ‘tip’. chapel, I visited the Neon Museum, an There is salvation, though. Just
The bottom line is that – in exchange for open-air gallery of disused neon signs, 25 miles west of The Strip, it’s possible
cash – virtually anything goes. some of them quite famous. For even more to escape it all entirely. There, beyond
local culture, I toured the Mob Museum the suburbs, you can slip into the solitude
For those in-between periods, there are (officially known as ‘The National Museum and tranquillity afforded by Red Rock
countless pool parties with cocktail bars of Organized Crime and Law Enforcement’), Canyon, a magnificent reserve where
and DJs, showgirls handing out flyers which chronicles the seedy side of some of the Mojave Desert’s most
for the ‘biggest spectacle in town’, laser American history, zooming in specifically on astonishing geological formations provide
shows on the pavements, Cirque du Soleil the mafia’s intimate relationship with Las respite from the madness percolating
ticketeers, celebrity restaurants, and, in Vegas itself. Just in case you’re planning in Sin City’s buzzed-up epicentre. The
Downtown – the old centre of Vegas at the a casino scam, there are detailed exhibits Canyon offers hikes and trails, up, over
far end of The Strip – the fabulous Viva Las showing how the scammers, card-counters and through limestone mountains,
Vegas Wedding Chapel, where (if you ask and tricksters get caught. You leave the skewered by outcrops of Aztec sandstone
politely) they’ll happily let you observe the museum having learnt that Vegas really that glow red beneath the sun, infinitely
themed nuptials. Most couples come to was created as a laundromat for illegal more dazzling than any manmade sound-
renew their vows for a bit of a laugh, and money. To prove the point, right around and-light show.
many dress up in whacky costumes rented

JUST 25 MILES WEST OF
THE STRIP, RED ROCK
CANYON, PRESERVES SOME
OF THE MOJAVE DESERT'S
MOST ASTONISHING
GEOLOGICAL FORMATIONS

70 FEBRUARY 2020 kulula.com





BOYS WILL BE BOYS EXPLORE

3

CWoaAmlekSdipianatnos

Birds do it. Bees do it. Celebs and wannabes and influencers and even ordinary Joe Soaps do it. But do
comedians do it? And if they do, where do they do it, and with whom? We’re talking about grooming, of
course. Getting coiffed, shaved, massaged, waxed, primped and preened. And we’re talking about men,
because – you know? – it’s 2020 and guys need pampering too. We got three comedians – Limpopo-born
cover star Chomi Ya Jeso, South Afristralian ex-Durbanite Kevin Fraser and isiXhosa-speaking Jewish-

surfer-hippie Capetonian Nik Rabinowitz – to reveal how they roll

kulula.com FEBRUARY 2020 73

CHOMI’S CLOSE SHAVE

Look, I’ve been to the Spar down the road Although I’m finicky with my own hairstyle, I’m
a few times, but there was no-one doing pretty cool with what other people choose to do
massages there. I still have to do a lot with their hair. I think folks can do anything they
of gigs before I have money to burn want. I see a lot of men dying their hair blue or
on luxuries like getting strangers to pink at the moment – that’s very funny
massage me... to me… and guys with mohawks who look
like they stuck their finger in a light socket
That said, looking presentable – I will never fully understand. But who am
especially when I go on stage – is I to judge?
very important for me. I don’t stress The scariest – and saddest – grooming
too much about what I wear. For club experience I ever had was at a barber shop
gigs, in fact, as long as I’m not naked, in Ivory Park. This barber was tasked with
I don’t mind what I wear. But what is shaving the lining of my hair but despite all
vital is a good haircut, a well-trimmed his efforts, he gave me a crazily uneven shave.
beard and smelling clean. Like I always He made such a show of it: he kept walking away
say, ‘smell good, don’t smell human’.  from me, looking at me from a distance with one

I’m obsessed with my hair, but eye closed, and then used his index fingers to carefully
I am sadly currently in a long-distance measure that each corner was proportional to the others. But
relationship with the best barber on earth. The guy despite all his measuring and admiring and squinting his eyes, that
used to cut my hair in Joburg CBD near the famous Noord Taxi shave was just rubbish. I looked in the mirror and what I saw looked
Rank. His name is Thabiso, all the way from Bulawayo, Zimbabwe. like it’d been shaved while I was on a roller coaster. I nearly cried –
This man used to cut my hair in the middle of the street where and when I asked him to fix it, every attempt simply made it worse.
people would stop in their tracks to admire his work. Sometimes My friends weren’t much help, either. One of them said it looked
they would whip out their phones and take pictures, sometimes like I’d been shaved with an axe.
it got uncomfortable.

SORBET MAN, NATIONWIDE

A decidedly dudes-only destination,
Sorbet Man offers haircuts and hair
treatments, hot-towel shaves and facials,
plus waxing, massage and hands-and-
feet treatments. They do all this – barber,
shave, wax, tweeze, thread, prod, probe,
cleanse and condition – and will offer
you a whisky (or Martini if you prefer)
on the house. Their manscaping
credentials are top-notch (yes, they
do beard grooming and the like), and
they’ll hook you up with free Wi-Fi while
introducing you to a range of products
designed and made especially for men.
sorbetman.co.za

74 FEBRUARY 2020 kulula.com

BOYS WILL BE BOYS EXPLORE

COIFFING WITH KEVIN

The best haircut ever was in Australia on the hairline and stared into the mirror and deep
Sunshine Coast. This lady obsessed over down into my soul. I threw caution to the
my hair for a good hour – I honestly think wind, let him go ahead with my new cut,
she cut each hair individually. At least confident that this New Yorker knew
it felt like it. I remember looking in what he was doing.
the mirror afterwards and feeling I was wrong. I left the salon
as confident as a Sandton mommy looking like a peacock on full
in her BMW on William Nicol Drive. extension. For the cost of a
month’s rent in Mzansi, I was
By contrast, there was that relegated to nothing short of
hideous haircut in my home town flaming flamboyance for the whole
of Durban. Let’s just say that summer of 2012…
I just about had to get my ear sewn I eventually got over that, but it
back on. And they still made me pay. stands to reason that I handle my own
That was the worst part! I was sitting pre-show preening procedure these days.
there like, ‘HAWEMAAAAAAAAAAAAA!’ And it’s not at all what you think… In fact, it’s
I mean, screaming for days over my half-
missing ear, and the moment I paused my quite the opposite of what you probably assume.
screaming, they just made like, ‘Yoh, but HUNDRED I usually wash my hair the day before a show
RAND, sir’. Only in South Africa mfweth!  – maybe even two days before – just so that I’m not too
‘fluffy’ for grooming. I have quite bold and thick hair which is
Gosh, and then there was that incident in some fancy- fortunate, so when I wash it, I usually turn into candy-floss.
shmancy barber shop in New York’s West End in 2012 – When it’s time to actually piece together things for the show,
something I will, sadly, never forget. The barber first treated I usually blow-dry my hair, and then comb it back with a rake to
me to one of those long and unsettling ‘will-this-suit-your- get rid of some of my past.
head-shape’ conversations while he touched the sides of my

BESPOKEN MAN, SANDTON SHAG HIGH VOLTAGE HAIR, PE

A small space with enormous heart, this old- ‘Even if we did bad hair, people would still come,’ says
school-meets-cool little barbering unit right Corinne Macchia, who co-owns this unhinged hair
outside the Sandton Gautrain Station is manned salon in the buzzing Baakens Valley with her husband
by a team of rambunctious blokes who are as Fabio. Reconfigured from the guts of an old toilet-
entertaining to listen to as they are skilled in the paper factory, Shag is everything your typical salon
realm of hair. Aside from a classic short, back isn’t. Beneath the soaring ceiling, it’s all exposed
and sides, they do as their name suggests – walls, raw concrete, industrial ducts and exposed
stylish, bespoke cuts – plus hot towel and steam piping. It’s beguilingly rough and marvellously manly
shaves, and they can trim, colour and tidy your – done out like a New York loft left in the hands of
locks, or even give you a manly facial mask. Don’t bikers with good taste and a love of barbering and
let the lack of pretence and the no-nonsense art. There are huge graffiti-style paintings – a lion and a monkey, each with three
attitude fool you – these guys have got your eyes – a taxidermied black crow, old mismatched sofas, a Harley Davidson, and hardly
best interests at heart, and there’s someone on anything that matches or fits. Importantly, Fabio and his team are artists – ‘I get the
the team who will be able to handle your more best out of my stylists because we give them an incredible environment to work in,’ he
outrageous styling requests. bespokenman.co.za says. facebook.com/shag.high.voltage.hair

kulula.com FEBRUARY 2020 75

EXPLORE BOYS WILL BE BOYS

KtoeuvriinngFMrazsearnsisi in After that, KEVIN’S COIFS OF SHAME
March and April. He kicks o in Cape Town, I usually pull
at the Zip Zap Circus, on 28 March, out some Well firstly, there’s the Top Deck. This is when all the
before shows in Joburg and Durban. concrete mix flavour sits on top of the head where most of the hair is
from my local located. Nice and neat, the hair sits like a cushion on top
ere’s an a erparty, too, and everybody of the head, evenly squared off; whilst the back and sides
who watches his show is invited. remain nothing short of bald. The Top Deck can usually be
creamkulture.com, computicket.com pinpointed by the cliff edge towards the back of the head,
where everything just drops off.
hardware store
Then there is the Mzansi Metro. Usually found in cities
– that stuff like Cape Town, this is very easily defined yet particular
to get right. The hair appears symmetrically combed to
is strong perfection. Front to back. A little hair gel usually tucks it
in place and adds a bit of shimmer to the shine. The sides
enough to and back are razor-faded from top to bottom. It’s a similar
effect to watching a fan go off slowly during load shedding
hold back the in Durban.

tears when Lastly, there is the Bun of Thrones. This is a look I am
yet to understand, but I am assuming it has something to
I watch a sad do with redefining masculinity by competing for who has
the biggest man bun. 
movie. I create a paste in my hand with a little bit
In Australia, the Bun of Thrones is quite popular,
of still water because moving water isn’t always especially in the more vegan cities like Melbourne. But
Australia also has one particular look that needs to be
ideal. Once the mix has reached paste status, mentioned – The Eskom Perm. The easiest way to
achieve this look is to grab a live electrical wire for a
I work it through my hair and use my spirit fingers couple of seconds, and then let your hair fall naturally into
place. I suppose another way to describe this look would
to find my groove. Usually I’m blasting some house simply be the classic surfer hairdo.

music in the background so I can feel the vibe and

decide whether I’m combing to the left or the right.

I use my fingers to achieve the look because I feel

a comb makes you ‘too groomed’ and we don’t

want that. We just want a natural look. Time is

everything backstage, and although I’m not

too fussy, it usually takes seven minutes and

24 seconds for my coif to reach full stud mode.

HINES & HARLEY MEN’S GROOMING MR CHAPS GROOMING CLUB,
LOUNGE, JOBURG FOURWAYS

From the Father and Son shared shaving (and bonding Mpange Chapeshamano heads up this
experience) to the Groom and Groomsmen Package that’ll luxury barber shop and grooming
get you into shape before the big day (with a haircut, shave, salon that offers membership
manicure and back, neck and shoulder massage) and all the deals and hosts special events
way up to the Full House grooming package, this is a rather such as ‘The Good Breakfast’,
awesome men’s pampering spot in Parktown North. While a quarterly morning get-
together for a few good men. In
all the usual cutting and shaving and beard- a handsome setting, the salon
shaping services are offered, there’s also offers classic cuts, manicures
professional waxing and treatments and pedicures, various manly
for hands and feet, reflexology and pampering packages, and work
full-scale Swedish and deep-tissue stations with Wi-Fi where you can stay
massages – but it’s the slick service productive while you wait for your treatment
and the warm, homey atmosphere with a cup of coffee. You feel like a VIP from start to finish.
that makes this one worth making mrchaps.co.za
time for. hinesandharley.co.za

76 FEBRUARY 2020 kulula.com





BOYS WILL BE BOYS EXPLORE

NIK’S HAPPY ENDING

My most memorable massage was in Arequipa, says, ‘Stop it, nobody cares!’ or ‘My mother was
Peru, in 2005. Memorable for the wrong right, I didn’t marry well’.
reasons, I hasten to add.  Whilst sipping on Cape geranium
cocktails, we fill out one of
Three interesting things happened. those forms where you list all
Firstly, the masseuse stood in front of your blah blah blahs for the masseuse
me while I took off my clothes. He to later completely ignore, then
didn’t even turn around. Secondly, descend the stairs to a small replica
during the chest massage part, he put of the lost city of Atlantis, all
the towel over my head. And thirdly, whitewashed rocks, and secret caves
on three occasions, he lightly brushed and bottles of oils filled with those
my unmentionables. Yes, I kept count. little smelly sticks. 
‘Does one keep one’s underwear on?’
I felt traumatised, violated, and I ask Debbie who has obviously had
confused. Until I found out he was blind.  a fancy massage before.
‘Yes.’
It only occurred to me much later
that blind masseuses probably know their ‘But what about the big muscle in my buttocks?
way around the human body better than Don’t they massage that?’ 
most. But I prefer to bury this knowledge. ‘They will do that anyway. They’ll just pull your underwear down
a bit.’
Fast forward to the present. It’s Monday morning ‘Right… Will there be happy endings?’
and my wife Debbie and I are on our way to Cape Town’s ‘Nik!’
exclusive 12 Apostles Hotel & Spa for the full privilege ‘Sir, the men’s change room is the second door on the left. You’ll find
package: massage, breakfast and complaining. The location is a gown there.’
spectacular, a national park where you’re not allowed to build, This turned out to be a lie because I get undressed, but can’t
unless you have the right connections.

I ask the receptionist if the Swedish massage comes with
a Scandinavian masseuse. My wife gives me the look. The one that

INSINGIZI LODGE AND SPA, ILLOVO  GLASSHOUSE REJUVENATION, CAPE TOWN
Just over an hour from Durban, the spa Schedule a few pampered hours at this chic unisex beauty
salon done out in aquamarines, gold and marble – it’s in the
at iNsingizi is reason enough to plan heart of the V&A Waterfront’s Silo District, right
a getaway – it’s a bonus being surrounded near the Zeitz MOCAA. On the menu is
by nature. The lodge is known for its everything from four-handed massages,
cycling trails (they form part of the Illovo hair therapies and collagen treatments,
Eston MTB Challenge), so you can bring to high-tech facials, Botox, and
your bike and sign up for one of their waxing of any imaginable part of
‘Ride, Rub and Grub’ packages that mixes the body – including certain manly
unmentionables – and gent’s cuts
off-road riding with lunch and and shaving and hot-towel shaves
a foot or head-and-shoulder massage. (of the face and/or the head) using
They’ve also launched a Gentleman’s Tension a cut-throat razor.
Massage Experience which includes a hand and foot glasshouserejuvenation.com
massage, nail treatments, a cleansing and soothing facial, and
a destressing head and shoulder massage. insingizi.co.za

kulula.com FEBRUARY 2020 79

find a gown, so I decide to shout for Debbie who brings me a short My ordeal in the locker finally over, Debbie and I eventually make
robe from the Ladies. Is that a unisex robe? Does the male robe it to the massage room. I remove the confusing robe, put my face
also have short sleeves? Am I doing this right? Also, is it necessary in the hole, and breathe in the aroma of jasmine-infused detox
to have plastic coverings on the slippers? So many questions. oil. We’re going head to head for this double massage bonanza
I really should have clipped my toe nails. experience – no really, we’re laying head to head. The excitement
is palpable. 
I attempt to lock my stuff away because you never know when
some kleptomaniac billionaire hotel guest will try to steal all of We’ve both settled on 60-minute Swedish massages. I have
your things. However, the key doesn’t fit, so after trying all Zodwa, who, sure enough, is not Scandinavian. Debbie has Olga,
the other locks, I head out to reception (in my short-
sleeved gown). I’m starting to lose my sense of who’s just arrived from Russia.
calm, but fortunately a stone Buddha is at the ‘Please focus on my lower back Zodwa, and
bottom of the stairs reminding me to chill out.  thank you for the delightful spa music. Are
those Peruvian panpipes?’ I can feel my wife
I get a new key, head back to the locker giving me the look even though she can’t
room, and transfer my stuff to a new even see me.
locker which I have to bend my back to ‘Yes,’ says Zodwa.
reach. This, in case I forget to mention ‘They bring back bad memories.’
later, is extremely sore because we’re ‘We also have instrumental music,’ she
talking #BP (Before Pilates) here. I’m not says. ‘And love songs. And classical. What
complaining, I’m just saying that I’m not in would you like?’
my thirties anymore, and so not sure if ‘Do you have Mating Whales Volume III?’
I should be doing any bending ‘Nik!’ says Debbie, infuriated, although she
without supervision.
knows me well enough by now to know how
Things get more stressful when I start to question I behave in situations like this.
my underwear choice. Fortunately, I’ve brought alternatives, so ‘Love, aren’t we going to chat during our massage?’
I change into a pair of rods that I believe are more suitable for ‘No.’ She sounds serious.
massage-by-stranger. I want to look like I’ve made an effort but not It’s all very relaxing. Zodwa is excellent, and the 60 minutes
so much of an effort that my masseuse gets the wrong idea. Yes, as fly by – unfortunately. After the massage, there’s a surprise fruit
Debbie will tell you, I’m complicated. buffet, and an inviting heated plunge pool – too bad we forgot our

HEAVENLY SPA, CAPE TOWN kulula.com

High up on the 19th floor of The Westin hotel, right alongside the
Cape Town International Convention Centre, this spa really lives
up to its name – from the indoor pool and from many of the private
rooms you can enjoy scintillating views across the city’s varied
perspectives. Along with the gym, pool and Jacuzzi (all free for
hotel guests), treatments range from traditional Swedish and hot
stone massages to a deep-pressure Babor sports massage that’s
effective at removing back and shoulder tension. Besides various
invigorating body treatments, you can have your face, skin and
nails attended to as well – always with the promise of reclining in
heavenly bliss with an eye on those stupendous views when your
treatment is done. heavenlyspa.co.za

80 FEBRUARY 2020

BOYS WILL BE BOYS EXPLORE

swimmers. (My Dad used to use the term ‘swimmers’ back in the ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
days before boardshorts became a word and long before Speedos ‘Should we come back for the hot stone massage?’
were something you wore in the Springbok locker room after ‘Is that when we smoke dope and then they massage us? That
a rugby match. ‘Get your swimmers, we’re going to Sandy Bay,’ sounds very relaxing.’
Dad used to say to us.) ‘No, Nik. It’s when they massage you with hot stones.’
‘Oh. Isn’t that dangerous?’
As we spend some time chilling out on the loungers in the grotto, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll hold your hand.’
Debbie and I debrief while letting all the relaxed, rejuvenated and ‘Oh, so we’ll be side by side? Finally!’
connected vibes spread through our entire being.  ‘Should we go upstairs for breakfast?’ Debbie takes my hand and
it tingles.
‘The whole experience was great, but I really loved the hand and ‘Yes, let’s have breakfast before I have to return this bathrobe.’
head,’ says Debbie. ‘You do look very fetching in that,’ she says, giving me the
other look.
I snigger and childishly say, ‘Hand was okay, but…’ Under the circumstances, a compliment from the woman of my
‘Shut up!’ Debbie interrupts me. dreams is the best happy ending I could’ve hoped for. 
‘There was very little privacy time.’
Interviews: Keith Bain, Pictures: Sven Kristian, Supplied ‘Ja, you were still in your underpants when poor Zodwa came in.’
‘Thank goodness I wore them. Good call, Debbie.’
‘Also, being head to head was nice.’
‘Yes. Much better than side by side.’
‘The music was great.’
‘No, it wasn’t.’
‘The pool looks nice, too.’
‘Ja. Next time let’s bring our swimmers.’
‘What the hell are swimmers?’
‘My Dad used to say “swimmers”. “Get your swimmers, we’re
going to Sandy Bay,” he’d say. I was usually the only person on
Sandy Bay wearing swimmers. Or anything, actually.’
‘Shame. Did you see lots of old tollies?’‘
Ja.’
‘Shame. Are you okay?’

12 APOSTLES HOTEL & SPA, CAPE TOWN FEBRUARY 2020 81
With its between-worlds location – you’re in a subterranean
grotto, while upstairs there are sublime ocean views and fynbos-
carpeted mountains slopes – the spa where Nik and Debbie
went for their head-to-head couple’s massage is a genuine
treat. Besides massage treatments and all the usual therapies
and pamper sessions, you can marinate in a saltwater flotation
pool with water that offers a similar buoyancy to that of the
Dead Sea. The sensation of reduced gravity is said to help ease
the symptoms of jet lag, and apparently a 20-minute session
is equivalent to two hours of sleep. Plus you can get caked in
mineral-rich mud before a stint in the Rasul chamber which ends
with a gentle shower of artificial rain. 12apostleshotel.com

kulula.com

82 FEBRUARY 2020 The
original
hot
sipper

kulula.com

AFRICAN TEA TIME EXPLORE

From Malawi’s green-carpeted Shire Highlands
to attaya ceremonies and rooibos teahouses,
Nicci Collier and Keith Bain go in search of

Africa’s other hot beverage

kulula.com FEBRUARY 2020 83

EXPLORE AFRICAN TEA TIME

He maintains he cured
himself of cancer
by drinking copious
quantities of black tea

W This was Huntingdon House, the decades- tubs. Everywhere, there are old maps, family
e were travelling back in time, leaving the old home of the Cathcart Kay family who photographs and collected knick-knacks, plus
sprawling city of Blantyre behind us as we established Satemwa, the thriving tea estate numerous comfortable spots in which to curl
meandered south along the highway into on which Huntingdon now functions as up with pots of tea.
the bright green countryside in the Shire a guesthouse. Built in 1934 after fire
Highlands around Thyolo. Somewhere in destroyed the original farmstead, it’s After a great sleep on huge canopied
the distance, like a mist-cloaked sentinel, surrounded by manicured lawns fringed beds beneath billowing mosquito nets with
loomed Mount Mulanje, Malawi’s highest by a thick African garden that bristles with chorusing frogs serenading through the night,
peak, while all around us, blanketing the birdlife. Inside, it’s packed with Old World we enjoyed a very longwinded breakfast on
gently undulating hills in neat, orderly rows charm – creaking wooden floors linking Huntingdon’s veranda. There we were joined
were waist-high bushes that terminated various lounges, the dining room and library by Robert Kay, Satemwa’s resident raconteur
right at the edge of the road. Somewhere, we to five enormous suites furnished with and the family’s presiding patriarch, known
detoured from the asphalt, found ourselves antiques, their bathrooms fitted with clawed throughout Malawi as ‘Chip’.
on dirt roads carved between the plantations,
and pulled up outside a great big mansion The octogenarian, who maintains he
skulking behind deep verandas and thick cured himself of cancer by drinking copious
stone walls bedecked with creepers. quantities of black tea, received his nickname
when an American woman laid eyes on him
as a baby and promptly declared him ‘a chip
off the old block’.

Tea’s hooligan history: slaves, opium and trade wars

Whoever transformed tea into the world’s most civilised beverage – served with so keen on importing anything from the soggy island in return. When the Brits tried
milk-in-first and a side of scones with jam and clotted cream – did a number with to manipulate the market, America kicked up a bit of a fuss. Or rather, kicked off the
the marketing. The truth is that tea – and we’re talking black, white, oolong and green American Revolution, and the end of British control in America, by dumping
tea, all grown from one plant, Camellia sinensis, but processed differently to attain a shipload of tea into a Massachusetts harbour – the Boston Tea Party.
different levels of oxidation – has a very sordid history. This unruly infusion drove
the trade of slaves and hard drugs, and caused wars. The British thirst for the Far Eastern brew was bankrupting the nation. And then,
the East India Company uncovered a product that China did want. Opium. Which
Tea was first enjoyed in China – according to legend, when a few leaves the Company cultivated in India. It wasn’t long before the Chinese emperor tried to
conveniently blew into the boiled water of Chinese Emperor Shennong some time suppress the opium trade, banning it and expressing dismay at the growing number
around 2737 BC. A more credible record, from a medical text written by Hua Tuo, of addicts, but he was ignored. So, in 1839, he confiscated 20 000 chests of opium
dates back to the 3rd century AD. In the 1600s, Dutch merchants carried tea home and Britain sent in an army to, er, settle the dispute. With superior weaponry, Britain
from their trips to the Far East and its popularity grew, but mostly among Europe’s was soon able to ‘negotiate’ peace, forcing China to open up more trade ports – to
elite. When Spanish and Portuguese explorers introduced sugar – and it became anything including opium – and to cede Hong Kong to the British while they were at
readily available and cheap due to the horrors of slavery – the addictive granules were it (kindly returning the island 155 years later).
added to the mix, along with a dash of milk. And the crowds went wild!
Meanwhile, the British monopolisation of tea fields in India and Ceylon (Sri
While fuelling the slave trade between Africa and the Americas, tea also fuelled Lanka) meant that the small island with a big thirst for the beloved brew continued
Opium Wars on the other side of the world. In the 18th century, China had the to secure a steady supply of the trouble-making crop that has somewhat cleaned up
monopoly on tea-growing. Britain couldn’t get enough of it, but the Chinese weren’t its act these days.

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The old block in question was Maclean Kay, an
Ayreshire-born Scot who’d been a rubber planter in
Malaya. He arrived in Malawi in 1923, bought what
was then a tobacco farm, and set about nursing
his first batch of Camellia sinensis bushes that
would launch the estate’s transformation into the
flourishing tea business it is today.

*Although he became one of Africa’s significant
tea innovators, Maclean was by no means the
first to grow the plant on this continent. Africa was
first introduced to tea in 1687. It was planted at
the Cape of Good Hope and later at the Botanical
Gardens in Durban, where it was grown on a few
hundred hectares after a coffee crop failed. Malawi’s
tea industry – the oldest in Africa – had been
pioneered in the late-1800s by another Scottish
planter, Henry Brown, who arrived from Sri Lanka
and planted the first tea seeds.

Those seeds had originated in Edinburgh’s Royal Botanic Gardens, brought to Africa by Scottish

Missionaries. In the early-20th century, when infestations of coffee borer beetle brought a short-

lived coffee boom to an abrupt end, farmers swiftly turned to tea as an alternative crop. Kenya, whose

equatorial climate is ideal for tea growing, joined the party in 1903. And, as the demand for tea grew in

the 20th century, Zimbabwe, Tanzania, Uganda, and Zambia were developed along with South Africa

as tea-growing countries, while Belgian and French colonies – Burundi, Rwanda, Cameroon –

followed suit.

Even if its cultivation came to the continent much later, tea There is a very
traditions and ceremonies have existed across Africa for centuries. strong love story
There’s the tea of the Tuareg in the north, and the spiced Somali between Africa
tea, shaah hawash, that’s customarily offered to household guests. and herbal teas,
Senegal is home to one of Africa’s most interesting ceremonies: attaya, infusions and
as it is called in Wolof. It’s an adults-only affair that can take several everything in
hours. The tea, which has a minty flavour, is heated over a charcoal that family
stove if possible and poured back and forth repeatedly to form a head

of foam in the glass, as thick as possible.

‘Tea is actually very much part of African culture,’ says Swaady Martin, an Ivorian entrepreneur

who founded a range of luxury teas, Yswara, in South Africa in 2012. ‘And not just tea, but also

all kinds of herbal infusions, because Africa has a strong history of herbalism and herbs used for

healing, for medicine and for different things. So there is a very strong love story between Africa

and herbal teas, teas, infusions and everything in that family.’

One of the incentives for Swaady’s business was the discovery that so little of the tea grown

in Africa is packaged and sold on the continent. ‘I decided to create Yswara for several reasons.

Firstly, the frustration that Africa is the world’s largest exporter of tea and its third largest

producer, but only 5 to 10% of the added value of packaged tea is retained in Africa. With Yswara,

we retain 90% of value added in Africa.’

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EXPLORE AFRICAN TEA TIME

While some of South Africa’s tea plantations have stopped producing in recent years, black tea

is still grown in Limpopo (Vhembe region), KwaZulu-Natal (Nkandla), the Eastern Cape (Lusikisiki)

and Mpumalanga (Noordkaap River). Elsewhere in Africa, many estates are taking dynamic steps

into the future, and growing tea in a way that honours the land and the surrounding communities.

In the Njombe region of Tanzania, Luponde is a factory plantation producing luxury teas – black,

green, white and peppermint – using Fair Trade practices, and providing one of the only sources of

consistent income for the community. Ajiri, which packages tea in the Kisii District of Kenya, funds

orphan education and commissions local women to make twine, labels and beads for its tea boxes.

Iriaini Tea Factory in the Nyeri District

produces the first Kenyan tea to be

picked and packaged at the source, Tea-pickers will
while in Nairobi, Melvin’s Teas – run by pluck 100kg of
Flora Mutahi, a Kenyan woman who has leaves on an
adored blending herbs and leaves since average day's
childhood – is one of the largest flavoured
tea packers in Kenya.

And then, of course, there’s Satemwa, haul during this
Chip Kay’s Fair Trade-, UTZ- and Rain high season
Forest Alliance-certified tea estate which

comprises a sizeable portion of what is

the second biggest export out of

a country with a fragile economy.

*Malawi produces 10% of Africa’s tea and is using small-leaf CTC (cut-tear-curl) variety teas that Pictures: Keith Bain, Supplied, JfJacobsz/istock.com, beavera/istock.com
the continent’s second-biggest producer after are sought for their bright colour and rich flavour.
Kenya, with annual production of around 2.3 million They’re what you find primarily in the tea bags and
kilograms. Some 99% of this is exported – mostly to loose-leaf blends of global brands such as PG Tips,
the UK and South Africa. Tetley, Lipton Yellow Label, and Five Roses.

Getting to this point has not been easy. Malawi But there’s more to it than that…
doesn’t share the climatic and geographic After breakfast on Huntingdon’s veranda – once
advantages of Kenya, where tea can be grown at Chip had shared his umpteenth tale of his family’s
lower altitudes. And being landlocked and far from history and finished his sixth or seventh cup of
the nearest port means Malawi’s tea is expensive black tea – he packed us into his hard-working 4X4
to ship. and took us on a full tour of the farm. As we drove
through undulating hills covered in glimmering
The solution lay in agricultural innovation. Chip’s green bushes, Chip cut through the presumed
dad, Maclean Kay, developed a cost-effective romance of running a tea estate by pausing
strategy for producing consistent, medium quality occasionally to issue instructions to workers. Today,
tea with a focus on high yields. After he ripped out Satemwa employs around 2 500 people many of
the old tobacco plants on his farm in the 1920s, he whom reside on the estate which also operates
planted his first tea fields, introducing Malawi’s first a clinic and primary school that serves the families
Assamica variety seeds from India, giving rise to of all its staff.
a line of black, red-liquoring African teas that are Between October and April, Thyolo’s abundant
used as blends in some of the world’s biggest rains cause the tea bushes to flush continuously,
brands. For the most part, these blends are made

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AFRICAN TEA TIME EXPLORE

and tea-pickers will each pluck 100kg of leaves on an average

day’s haul during this high season. We stopped on a ridge with

sweeping views across the tea fields where we saw hundreds

of women working the fields, nimbly plucking the young,

topmost leaves from the plants, steadily filling their baskets. Time for tea?

Around 2 500 tonnes of black tea are harvested per year, Chip WHERE TO FIND
A QUALITY CUPPA
told us as he drove us to the tea factory his father built in 1937
CONTESSA, JOBURG
and where green leaves from bushes grown across Satemwa’s
Peaceful and pretty with a vintage feel,
890 hectares are still dried and processed today. What’s this tea shop offers tea tastings, a wide
variety of loose-leaf and flavoured
changed, though, is the range of teas being produced, enabling teas (think Apricot Brandy, Russian
Caravan or Coconut Snow), and even
the farm to enter the artisanal tea market. bubbles and cake if you’re more in a
champagne kind of mood.
In 2006, Satemwa took note that leaves from the African Assamica bushes could in fact contessateashop.co.za

also produce mild, non-astringent green teas with sweet and fruity notes, as well as delicate O’WAYS TEA CAFÉ, CAPE TOWN

white teas with soft, floral scents. It greatly altered perceptions of what was possible using A peaceful haven in bustling Claremont, O’ways
offers tea tastings and pairings, serving Nigiro finest
the bushes that had always grown there and a variety of speciality teas were developed loose-leaf teas and blends (including teas from
Tanzania, Kenya, Malawi and Rwanda) and Origin
under Chip’s son, Alexander, a horticulturalist who now manages the estate. coffee, with an Asian-inspired menu. Among the 350
teas available are herbal and fruit infusions, black,
So, while the bulk of production comprises the small-leaf CTC teas that end up in blends, green, white and oolong teas, Chinese artistic show
teas and rooibos infusions. Plus, there are tea-inspired
Satemwa now also produces a range of higher-price teas for a more discerning market. accessories for sale. oways.co.za

‘We have special teams of pluckers going into specific fields with specific cultivars,’ VELSKOENDRAAI FARMSTALL
AND RESTAURANT,
explained Satemwa’s marketing and business development CLANWILLIAM

These teas are manager, Wouter Verelst. ‘Depending on the type of tea Rooibos drinkers are in luck at this farmers’ market
served and sold we are planning to make, we pluck certain tea varieties or and restaurant, just off the N7 in Clanwilliam. The
in top-end places cultivars. You can compare this with the different types of world’s only rooibos teahouse, it offers a huge variety
from New York to grapes you have in the wine industry – Merlot, Sauvignon… of flavoured and blended rooibos infusions – from
London, Paris to Each tea variety or cultivar has its own characteristics and natural and herbal to fruity, sweet, spicy and floral –
Moscow, Milan to these affect the taste.’ plus a range of tempting baked goods to accompany
Cape Town your tasting. velskoendraai.co.za
Lined up for us to sniff and taste in Satemwa’s cupping
DOUBLE SHOT COFFEE & TEA,
room, there were white, green and oolong teas, plus JOBURG

bergamot-infused Earl Grey and at least two dozen ‘For too long tea has been the stuffy old grandmother,
locked in a musty cupboard, surviving on
more specialist varieties that were destined for such cat food. No longer! Our tea is fresh,
vibrant and full of flavour.’ So
establishments as Heston Blumenthal’s UK restaurant, The say the coffee roaster and tea
blender folks at Braamfontein’s
Fat Duck. Double Shot, where – from
seed to cup – they focus on
These teas are served and sold in top-end places from exceptional quality tea, be
it a loose-leaf spicy chai
New York to London, Paris to Moscow, Milan to Cape Town, black tea, a Malawian green
tea or a hibiscus and vanilla
we were told. Among the artisanal gems we sampled iced tea. doubleshot.co.za

were ‘Zomba pearls’, comprising individual hand-rolled tea

‘cocoons’ that unfurl as they infuse, and ‘Satemwa Handmade

Treasure’, a black tea derived from a varietal with exquisite

flavours. ‘Thyolo Misty Oolong’, meanwhile, is produced using

leaves from the original fields planted by MacLean Kay.

We paced ourselves, carefully savouring each sip trying to

discern what subtle and sometimes enormous differences

separated one tea from the next. Chip, meanwhile, was

slurping down his eighth or ninth cup of the morning. ‘I owe

my life to this stuff,’ he said. ‘I can never get enough.’

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OPEN-AIR GALLERIES EXPLORE

oTauktseidite

From public nuisance to statement- FEBRUARY 2020 93
making public art, Bianca Coleman
gets to grips with the graffiti writers and
muralists who are transforming walls,
streets, entire neighbourhoods…

kulula.com

f you’ve ever gazed upon an ‘Graffiti consists of “tags”, which are
elaborate and colourful piece a type of signature done in seconds;
of graffiti on a wall and “throwups”, usually being a bubble style
considered it beautiful but at of letters done with two or three colours
created in a few minutes; and “pieces”,
the same time wondered what which are more of a production with lots
the heck it says or means, the good news of detail, colour and technique and which
is you’re not supposed to know. take hours if not days to create,’ explains
Dbongz, a street artist from Soweto.
One trick is to look through the camera
on your phone and the letters will become ‘Some writers only ever do tags,’
clearer, suggests Alexandre Tilmans of explains Tyler B Murphy, a respected Cape
NPO Baz-Art, organisers of the annual Town artist. ‘Some will go on to create
International Public Art Festival (IPAF), more elaborate versions of their signature
which runs in Cape Town this month. ‘It’s such as the writer’s name written with
part of a subculture – a code and language many colours in a particular letter style.
between those who know one another and Some will add a character such as
can speak to one other without everyone
else understanding.’ This page: Cape Town artist Tyler B Murphy
with one of his floral murals (top); throwup-style
For the average Joe on the street, who signature by Soweto street artist Dbongz (right)
has no knowledge of a tin of spray paint Previous page: A large-scale mural by Joburg
beyond using it to put his house number artist Mars that was part of last year's IPAF in
on the wheelie bin, and is not privy to the Cape Town
codes and conduct of this underground
world, misconceptions can exist.

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OPEN-AIR GALLERIES EXPLORE

a face or an animal – anything that is Abstract character piece by Mars (left); one of
not a letter – to complement the letters last year’s IPAF large-scale murals (bottom
in their tag.’ right); a bright, bold, three-dimensional
artwork at IPAF 2019 (bottom left); an entire
Murphy says that typically those writers building transformed with colour by Tshwane
responsible for the best characters will artist Page 33 (centre)
find more opportunities to create more
elaborate graffiti and explore other ways the transformation of a blank street wall
to make art. These will be the first ones into something more akin to an outdoor
invited to mural festivals to paint large- gallery using an awesome mural.
scale works for a fee, high above the street
level, safe from the tags that started the She believes there’s been a fundamental
whole process. shift in the way such street art is
perceived. ‘The biggest change
Dbongz says that proper ‘street art’ is commercial murals vs graffiti
is about ‘productions’ – murals that can mentality. One has to also understand
range in size all the way up to building- the importance of freedom of speech/
sized creations known as XXLs. expression though,’ she continues. ‘Some
artists have very unique styles or messages
Page 33 from Tshwane is part of which are embraced for commercial use,
a graffiti art duo known as Sweetooth and they can make a living, so that is great.
with her partner Zesta. She believes public Other artists enjoy the lifestyle, painting
spaces are made more interesting through rather than sitting in an office. Whatever
the reason, what is the alternative?
An ugly grey wall? Empty grey walls
bother me…’

kulula.com FEBRUARY 2020 95

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OPEN-AIR GALLERIES EXPLORE

WORD ON THE STREET

If you haven’t downloaded VoiceMap yet, what are you waiting for? Created in Cape Town,
the easy-to-use app offers dozens of walking tours all over the world – all from the comfort
of your phone. Many are free, and can be downloaded before you travel.

The audio guides are narrated by knowledgeable locals who share insights about their
home cities and attractions with visitors and tourists – some are quite focused on specific
issues or narratives or contexts. With the Baz’Art Salt River Street Art Tour (an expensive
one at $5.99), you’ll view more than 100 large-format works in Woodstock and Salt River
which form the collective body of public work that has changed the way locals see their
neighbourhoods.

It begins at the suitably brightly painted Beth Uriel Orphanage, 289 Victoria Road,
which is the hub for this year’s IPAF. ‘They have a coffee shop called Me’Kasi Kafé where
everything takes place – the market, the entertainment,’ says Alexandre Tilmans.

In Joburg, you can do the Newtown Graffiti and Heritage Walk (just $1.99); the area is
one of the city’s most interesting examples of urban renewal and cultural diversity as it
becomes increasingly more colourful in the eyes and hearts of the people. voicemap.me

International Public Art Festival
Salt River, Cape Town
12-17 February
ipafest.co.za

ouis de Villiers is “light” about someone scaling a billboard Jack Mantis began painting in 1996,
a South African artist and framework to paint a highway sign, three and has seen the art form’s constant
instigator now living and storeys up, over a four-lane highway in the metamorphosis. ‘When I started, there
working in Brooklyn, New York. Originally black of night. were very few graffiti writers, and for
from Durban, he previously worked under the most part society knew very little of
the moniker of Skullboy from 2006 to 2017 ‘I've had friends break legs on tracks, the art form. So getting up and getting
and has exhibited extensively throughout get shot at by Metro Police, beaten with known was like a veld fire,’ he says.
South Africa and abroad. He cautions baseball bats by residents, guns pulled
against ‘that hooligan bullshit’. on them by other graf writers – people die ‘The public’s interest was astonishing.
Rebellion is the backbone of graffiti, doing this stuff. We were spread across the headlines
sure, but it trivialises the work and the as vandals, gangsters and crime lords.
people involved, he says. ‘Don't get me ‘On the other end of the spectrum, These assumptions couldn’t have been
wrong, the crowd sometimes can (and muralists are making careers of painting further from the truth. We were all
does) get a little rough, but there’s nothing walls – being able to travel the world, just simply youngsters obsessed
raise their kids, and pay taxes – just like with putting our names on everything;
“normal upright citizens”.’ a close-knit group of cross-cultural
friends living together and spending every
cent and moment we had on paint. I never
considered graffiti anti-establishment.
Society was, and is, simply our canvas,
and the public our target audience.’

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EXPLORE OPEN-AIR GALLERIES

The folks behind Baz-Art embrace Artist in action at last year’s IPAF ‘Wealthy investors would have recently
this concept with IPAF engaging local (above); creating awareness with acquired a sizable chunk of the area
and international artists to complete a large-scale pangolin mural at before encouraging the street art. Cape
25 large-scale murals in the Salt River IPAF 2019 (below) Town is far behind the rest of the world
area. Visitors will be able to interact with in this regard. Firstly because of the
them, as well as with the residents who conservative nature of the landlords who
have given permission for their houses or own the walls, and secondly because the
businesses to be decorated. The City of artists in this city have suffered under the
Cape Town has to approve this as well, constitutionally unsound graffiti by-law.
because of a pesky rule which outlaws
any kind of mural – no matter ‘This by-law makes it much harder
how gorgeous. for artists to paint murals legally. It is
further worsened by the city not fulfilling
‘I think well-curated street art festivals its side of the deal to provide legal walls
across the world have had a major all across greater Cape Town, for young
impact on the number and quality of artists to practise their skills.’
murals that exist, a fair number of which
are supported by property developers, Whether you’re squinting through the
looking to increase awareness of and foot lens of your camera or stepping back to
traffic into a certain neighbourhood,’ get the full impact of a six-storey mural,
says Murphy. there is most likely to be a message of
some sort, which varies from artist to
98 FEBRUARY 2020 artist – politics, religion, humour, among
other subjects, says Dbongz. ‘Social
commentary is at the forefront with
artists never missing a chance to have
their say.’

kulula.com