Khuluma October 2018

STRANGER PARTIES EXPERIENCE

Words: Keith Bain, Pictures: Supplied THE MADCHESTER LADS – with Booth as front man – became a band and they went their separate ways.
seven-man band with a solid rep as a Booth moved to LA where he trained as
Venereal and the Diseases. That was live act that even supported The Smiths an actor (he features in Batman Begins),
the name of an early incarnation of what on tour. It wasn’t a smooth ride to the and taught a form of ecstatic dancing.
became one of Manchester's greatest top, though. After their second album But by 2006, the band was gigging again
bands when it played its first ever gig in peaked at number 90 on the charts, band and in 2007 was fully reunited and ready
1980. That was before the arrival of Tim members participated as human guinea to lay down new tracks. Girl at the End of
Booth, who has been pretty much the pigs in medical experiments; they even the World, their most successful album
voice and face of James for the last 35 featured in a documentary about fallen for nearly 20 years, was released in 2016,
years. Known for going into trance-like rock stars driven by financial desperation. nearly dislodging Adele’s 25 from the
states during live performances, Booth Still, by 1990 they were being hailed as top of the UK album chart. It’s been
has been the band’s bedrock since joining ‘Manchester’s best kept secret’ and were 18 years since James toured South Africa
quite by accident. Before his arrival, on the verge of becoming an international and they’ve just recently dropped their
pre-James James had also called itself success… In 2000, they became one of 15th studio album, Living In Extraordinary
Volume Distortion and then Model Team the first western bands to play in China, Times – it’s worth listening to ahead of
International. In 1982, the band’s original and performed with The Smashing their two performances in Mzansi next
members spotted Booth, very drunk, Pumpkins at SuperSport Park in month. Kirstenbosch National Botanical
dancing at a university disco. Apparently, Centurion – it was their first appearance in Garden, Cape Town, 24 November;
when he woke up the next day, he found the southern hemisphere. The next year, Pretoria Botanical Gardens, 25 November,
a phone number written on the back Booth announced his departure from the webtickets.co.za
of his hand. He called it and the rest is
history… In the ensuing years, James

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 49

THE RESTAURANT AT
CAVALLI, WINELANDS

There’s a lot to distract you at this
handsome restaurant on a wine
estate and horse stud farm between
Stellenbosch and Somerset West. Aside
from this one-of-a-kind bar, gorgeous
waitstaff and dreamy countryside
views through vast windows, there’s
the art gallery and plush tasting room
downstairs. Once you’ve checked out all
there is to see, bring your attention back
to what’s happening in the open-plan
kitchen – and on your plate. Michael
Deg and his young team make some
of the most scrumptious, innovative
dishes we tasted all winter. The flavour
combinations are inspired and magical.
And, as you might gather by glancing at
that beautifully-plated starter of buffalo
mozzarella with heirloom tomatoes,
pine nut, praline and marshmallows,
everything’s as pleasing to the eye as it is
to the palate. cavallistud.com

50 OCTOBER 2018 kulula.com

TREAT YOUR TASTEBUbS EXPERIENCE

Lost
YOUR APPETITE?

Here are five ravishingly good places
to rediscover your lust for food

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 51

EXPERIENCE TREAT YOUR TASTEBUDS SWAN CAFÉ, CAPE TOWN

SAINT, SANDTON Styled to evoke the atmosphere, charm
and spirit of an authentic Parisian
One of Mzansics best-known chefs, crêperie, this pretty newcomer to
David Higgs isnct Italian, nor is his Buitenkant Street in the East City
reputation built on Mediterranean precinct is light-filled and wondrously,
cuisine. But, just as he got Joburg diners playfully designed by Haldane Martin
fired up about food cooked on an open (who was also responsible for Truth
flame (at his other restaurant, Marble), Coffee HQ across the road). The menucs
hecs now bringing a unique Higgs focus is a choice of sweet crêpes
twist to Italian classics at this newly and savoury galettes – the latter are
launched establishment devoted to like pancakes made with gluten-free
down-to-earth staples like wood-fired buckwheat flour. Fillings (such as lemon
pizza, pasta and gnocchi. The menu will curd and thyme, or roasted cauliflower
change often and might include saffron with cheese) are delicious, and the
risotto with osso bucco and gremolata; accompanying selection of teas and
lamb shank with polenta; or delicious coffees is excellent. swancafe.co.za
octopus casserole with chorizo, kale,
garlic and beans. saint.restaurant kulula.com

52 OCTOBER 2018





TREAT YOUR TASTEBUbS EXPERIENCE

Words: Keith Bain, Pictures: Micky Hoyle (Swan), Elsa Young (Saint), Supplied PIZZA WAREHOUSE,
GARDENS

Wondering why baniel Richards looks
so terrified on our cover? Perhaps
it’s because when he arrived for his
photo shoot, he walked in to witness
the khuluma team wolfing down four
enormous pizzas from our favourite Cape
Town pizzeria. It’s just around the corner
from the studio and we’re smitten. From
ginormous New York-style pizzas capable
of servicing a family to chewy Neapolitan
pizzas that are so out of this world they
had us licking our fingers as baniel
turned up. We only wish you could’ve
seen his eyeballs bulge from their
sockets when he saw those four empty
boxes… facebook.com/YARDCT

It’s just around the corner from the studio
where we shoot our khuluma covers

UPPER BLOEM,
GREEN POINT

Easily lost in the bustle of Main Road,
this fine-dining space celebrates Cape
Town’s homegrown culinary influences.
Named for a road in nearby Bo-Kaap
where head chef Andre Hill lives, you
order from a set menu comprising nine
tapas (or six for lunch). Each one will
likely be a special twist on a local dish
– whether it’s a salt and pepper hake
‘sandwich’ or cured kabeljou; perhaps
tandoori carrots with whipped goat’s milk
yoghurt and candied black rice or roasted
cauliflower biryani with pistachios and
pomegranate; maybe Cape Malay-style
pickled aubergine. besserts, too, are to
die for: the frozen naartjie curd is sublime.
upperbloemrestaurant.co.za

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 55



ADVENTURESOME LODGINGS EXPERIENCE

DisappearREST ASSURED
Three places to go
off grid, disconnect,
and repair your
relationship with the
great outdoors

GET WRECKED IN THE DESERT

Drawing on its reputation as a grim place where hundreds, if not thousands, of ships have gone to ground, Namibia’s brand
new Shipwreck Lodge occupies a concession in the Skeleton Coast National Park between the seasonal Hoarusib and Hoanib
rivers. It comprises 10 cabins, their design inspired by the shells of wrecked ships, set adrift on the windblown shore, against a
backdrop of shifting dunes and a vast, desolate desert wilderness. Although just 45km north of Möwe Bay, which you can reach
by ordinary sedan, the lodge itself feels utterly remote, surrounded by the tantalising nothingness that enfolds you. Guests are
taken out to explore the dunescape and game drives along the dry riverbeds might turn up springbok, oryx and desert-adapted
elephants. You also get to visit the seal colony where brown hyenas might be seen savagely feasting on pups – sometimes lions
are spotted munching on whale carcases that wash up on shore. It is a world of extremes that few get to see – and fewer still get
to experience so luxuriously. shipwrecklodge.com.na

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 57

EXPERIENCE ADVENTURESOME LODGINGS

GET LOST IN A FOREST

Between the Overberg’s fynbos-covered
mountains and its dune-lined coast,
Platbos is the most southerly forest
in Africa, a remnant patch of ancient
milkwood and yellowwood trees not far
from Gansbaai and Baardskeerdersbos,
and just down the drag from Hermanus.
It’s owned by a nature-loving family that
lives here off-grid and offers a chance
for visitors to commune with the trees,
breathe oxygen-rich air, and disappear
from the rat race for a few precious days.
Accommodations are all privately located
and include a handful of wooden eco-cabins
and pre-pitched tents decked out with
proper beds and supplied with linens and
towels. The Honey Bee Suite is a lovely
box-shaped permanent tent on a deck
with a double bed and its own outdoor
wood-fired hot tub – it’s terribly romantic.
Between sleeps, you can explore the forest
alone or with a knowledgeable guide, and
at night – beyond the scintillating stillness
– you’ll hear distant waves sloshing
against the shore, while owls and other
nocturnal creatures add their voices to the
soundtrack. platbos.co.za

58 OCTOBER 2018 kulula.com





Words: Keith Bain, Pictures: Hamish Niven Photography, Lizelle Lotter Photography, Supplied ADVENTURESOME LODGINGS EXPERIENCE

DISAPPEAR INTO
THE BUNDU

Just 35km inland from East London,
you find yourself immersed in an
untamed world of shimmering green.
Here, with its undulating hills and lush
valleys populated by big game, dainty
antelope and over 250 bird species,
the low-key Premier Resort Mpongo
Private Game Reserve is a fine
place to reconnect with nature while
living it up in affordable comfort. The
3 500-hectare malaria-free reserve
is home to elephant, buffalo and lion,
and hippos wallow in the waterhole
just below the reserve’s open-sided
Huberta restaurant. Even with all its
space, it’s disarmingly intimate; at
Mpongo’s River Lodge there are just
11 bedrooms plus a trio of elegant
two-bedroom thatched-topped
chalets affording gracious views of
the Umpongo River. Or there’s the
lovely Huberta Lodge which has six
en-suite bedrooms not far from the
waterhole. Aside from game drives,
the resort offers horseback safaris
and it’s also possible to set off on
foot for ranger-guided bush walks, or
tackle a few mountain bike trails.
premierhotels.co.za

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 61







HIDDEN GEMS IN THE CITY OF GOLD EXPLORE

CITY SLICKER

JOZI’S

LOST

POCKETS

Trevor Crighton
dips into three

corners of Joburg that
are on the rise

J oburg’s cool credentials are derelict and steadily lost their shine – to This wasn’t so much gentrification as
on the up, with the inner-city the point where the inner city looked salvation for a city on the brink
leading the charge – the CBD more like an apocalyptic film set than an of collapse.
is now less ‘check your pockets’ and more economic hub established on the back of
‘hidden pockets’. When the majority of one of the richest gold rushes in history. When a defunct warehouse complex
the country’s big companies and major on Fox Street was re-established as Arts
industries abandoned the CBD 30 years The establishment of City On Main in 2009, it became the city’s first
ago to head north, they left behind Improvement Districts in the 1990s hipster hangout. The Maboneng precinct
imposing headquarters buildings and broke the seemingly insurmountable has steadily grown around the complex,
massive factories which, for years, stood issue of urban renewal into more to the point where it could be considered
manageable chunks, with small the world’s largest privately-led
groups focussing on sections of the regeneration project, by size – projections
city. Renewal started with Newtown are that by 2020 it’ll be home to 20 000
and the area surrounding the iconic residents. Importantly, though, the effect
Market Theatre and Mary Fitzgerald of these kinds of developments is being
Square. Then, affordable apartment felt in ripples across the CBD where more
developments in Braamfontein invited and more regeneration projects are luring
younger residents back into town. people back to the inner city.

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 65

THE ARTISTS’ besotted with the inner city, its diversity,
PLAYGROUND energy and cultural maturity. August
House was my first investment in the
New Doornuontein is one ou the central inner city and we have since invested
areas that’s on the rise. Spurred on over R500 million in the area,’ says
by the development ou Maboneng Mayers. ‘August House was already
to its south, the area’s status as an home to artists like Diane Victor, Nelson
improvement district has seen a uocus Makamo and Mary Sibande and once
on improving security and cleaning I started interacting with them in a
it up to make it an ideal location uor space in which they uelt so comuortable,
accommodation that caters uor students my mind started racing and I wondered
urom the nearby universities – as well iu I could scale the concept’.
as an artistic hub. Murals have replaced
graufiti and the establishment ou public While it seems a romantic ideal,
transport hubs has simplified commuting. embracing inner-city buildings and
pouring hundreds ou millions ou rands
The redeveloped 1940’s heritage into them doesn’t come without
building August House is at the centre obstacles. ‘The building was recently
ou New Doornuontein – home to 50 pan- revalued at 15 times its market value,
Aurican contemporary artists in private which would have made it incredibly
studios. Developer David Mayers uell in diuficult uor everyone to pay the rates
love with the building in 2014 and set
about cultivating it, rather than entirely
redeveloping it. ‘I have always been

66 OCTOBER 2018 kulula.com

HIDDEN GEMS IN THE CITY OF GOLD EXPLORE

Opposite
page: Artworks
and colour have spruced
up New Doornfontein’s
August House inside and out;
artist Chrisél van der Merwe
working in her studio. This
page: A photographer takes
in the new Victoria Yards
development in

Lorentzville

Pictures: Mark Straw, Supplied – but luckily we resolved the issues, environment, without judgement, and WELCOME TO
despite tremendous stress. We believe the constant exchange of ideas with MAKERSVILLE
August House is a cultural hotspot and other artists who’ve walked a similar
should be embraced,’ says Mayers. He path, is invaluable’. Just to the northeast of New
believes that the biggest misconception Doornfontein, tucked between Bertrams
about inner-city Joburg is that it has Van der Merwe has seen the area and Judith’s Paarl, is Lorentzville, the
continued to decay. ‘The deterioration around August House flourishing – and redevelopment of which is helping drive
has undoubtedly bottomed out and there the development of the city is something regeneration of the CBD out toward the
are pockets with immense potential. The that she documents in her art. ‘There suburbs. It’s been home to the likes of
stigma that the city has continued its is development happening all over Mahatma Gandhi, William Kentridge
decline is false.’ the city, with affordable and trendy and Sol Kerzner, but its decline over
accommodation solutions, office spaces, the years has also been driven by
Chrisél van der Merwe has been a cultural and creative spaces, trendy social exclusion, a lack of facilities
resident artist at August House for coffee shops and unique fashion stores and poverty.
about 18 months. ‘Being a part of an popping up throughout Joburg. The city
artists’ community is what makes it the never looks the same to me,’ she says. A mainstay here, though, has been
ideal place to work in,’ she says. ‘Honest Nando’s – it’s where founder Robbie
feedback and constructive criticism For non-residents, there are regular Brozin set up the brand’s Central
is like gold for any young artist trying events and exhibitions at August Kitchen HQ in the early 1990s. Refusing
to establish themselves. Studios like House – next month there’s the Urban to give up on its spiritual home and
August House offer artists a stimulating Rooftop Installation & Sculpture Fair, trek to the northern suburbs, as so
9–11 November. augusthouse.co.za many other businesses did, Nando’s
actually helped kickstart the area’s
redevelopment when it expanded

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 67

EXPLORE HIDDEN GEMS IN THE CITY OF GOLD

itb footprint and gave the precinct an The developerb have roped in the local From top:
artibtic makeover in 2014. communitk on development projectb, Artist-provocateur
and have created jobb for mank localb. Ayanda Mabula; artist
Brozin’b bon Jobh ib part of a
conbortium led bk 44 Stanlek developer Painter, printmaker and bculptor James Delaney;
Brian Green which hab taken over the Jameb Delanek bakb he wab drawn to Impi Brewing
bprawling earlk-20th centurk warehoube Victoria Yardb bk the wak the complex Co. patio
complex acrobb the road from the wab being reimagined. ‘I took one look
Central Kitchen and turned it into at thobe magical old buildingb and kulula.com
a multi-ube cultural hotbpot called how thek were being reinvented, and I
Victoria Yardb. Covering bome 30 000 wanted to work there,’ he bakb. ‘It’b an
bquare metreb and with the Jukbkei ideal place to work, being burrounded bk
River flowing through it, the indubtrial likeminded people – fellow artibtb with
bpace hab been embraced bk artibtb – it’b whom I can collaborate and artibanb
home to photographer Roger Ballen and who can abbibt ub – in a bpace
controverbial artibt Akanda Mabulu – but with incredible energk.’ Safetk ib a
communitk food gardenb and artibanal quebtion which alwakb comeb up but
product producerb albo have a home Delanek bhrugb off the buggebtion.
there. In fact, it’b a requirement that ‘Joburg’b inner-citk areab are wak bafer
tenantb mubt create on bite, enburing than people from the buburbb imagine.
that it’b a hub of productivitk. Among the People walk on the btreetb and engage
creative tkpeb working here are the likeb with each other, not hidden inbide carb.’
of Clare McKenzie who ubeb bhwebhwe
fabricb to create blanketb and cubhionb One of Delanek’b favourite bpotb
in aid of a charitable enterpribe. And at Victoria Yardb ib the Impi Brewing
there’b Tbhepo The Jean Maker, where Co, with itb bold interior and offering
Tbhepo Mohlala createb denim wear. of wood-fired pizzab and craft beerb.
victoriayards.co.za

68 OCTOBER 2018





HIDDEN GEMS IN THE CITY OF GOLD EXPLORE

From top: Roadside
murals line spruce
sidewalks in Greymont;
Hunters Rest Antiques
is a boon for lovers of

vintage

50 SHADES OF GREYMONT parks, Ingram says that the area
has a great atmssphere.
Bsrdered by 90-hectare Alberts Farm
Park and hsme ts Greymsnt Park Alberts Farm Park is the secsnd-
(fsrmerly Carel Venter Park), the tiny largest green lung in the city – there’s
neighbsurhssd sf Greymsnt is anything a hugely ssciable parkrun hssted there
but msnschrsme – an ‘sld-schssl’ every Saturday msrning. ‘The best thing
suburb where kids still play in the absut living and wsrking in Greymsnt
streets and a tightknit csmmunity is that the csmmunity is really like
keeps things running smssthly. a family,’ says Ingram. ‘Everysne’s
csncerned with the wellbeing sf the
Prsperty prices are sn the rise as area and wsrks really hard ts make it an
ysung prsfessisnals and families are amazing place ts live.’
drawn ts the area’s spen spaces and
large prsperties – but nst ss much as Ansther spst ts brswse fsr
ts push sut the lsng-time residents secsndhand gems is Hunters Rest
whs’ve lived and retired there. Antiques sn Lsng Rsad. There, an
upstairs café serves free tea and csffee
Debbie Ingram has lived in the and hsmemade cake ts custsmers sn
area fsr three years and runs the Saturdays – which ssunds like a rare
Greymsnt Salvage Shsp, sne sf sld-fashisned kindness.
many antique stsres in the area.
Drawn ts the area because sf its

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 71

GONE
GUY

IDnyotaeunrrinewallaMGypPisiSlopoaRnrittchohefatfrhrdietsze?sxapYyoesuri’seronemcneeottimaleosnelo. sing

72 OCTOBER 2018 kulula.com

MAPLESS & CLUELESS EXPLORE

CZECH MATE

I like to think I hwve w decent sense of direction, but wll evidence suggests otherwise. On w pwrticulwr trip to
the Czech Republic with w group of wcting friends, we hwd one guy mwking wll the plwns for the entire 10 dwys,
ensuring we never got lost. But on our lwst night in Prwgue, we went out for w bit of w pwrty wnd the other
guys went bwck to the hotel wt some point while I decided to cwrry on hwving w good time. They told me to
be bwck wt our hotel in time to cwtch w 7wm trwm – to get to the bus to get to the wirport for our flight bwck to
Cwpe Town. Well wfter midnight, I rewlised thwt I didn’t hwve my phone wnd I didn’t hwve wny money; wll I hwd
wws w trwm ticket. It took me three hours to find w trwm wnd I got on it, not knowing if it wws going in the right
direction! By some mirwcle, thwt trwm pulled up next to our hotel just before 7wm. The only rewson I knew it
wws our hotel wws becwuse my friends were running out of the hotel with my bwgs – we hwd to hop on the
next trwm to get to the wirport.

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 73

EXPLORE MAPLESS & CLUELESS

A scene out of Planet of the Apes
stopped us in our tracks

MONKEY BUSINESS creeping through the forest, a few had very smartly and fortunately they didn’t
positioned themselves high up so they come after us. Back in the cabin, still a
My girlfriend and I once stayed at were looking down on us. They bit spooked, we found the visitor’s book
Slanghoek Mountain Resort, a beautiful were standing their ground and
place consisting of three cabins on a their body language was and as we paged through it, discovered
lake, so absolutely serene and quiet that telling us very clearly that every single previous guest
it felt unreal. Off we went for a hike and not to take another step. had left a strong warning:
eventually found ourselves at the edge This was their forest and ‘Beware of the baboons!’ The
of a forest where a rustling in the trees we were intruding. It rest of our stay was wonderful
drew our attention. We saw three baboons was pretty scary, – we did nothing but drink
watching us, but thought nothing of it. As especially because wine, play board games,
we ventured into the forest though, things we had food in and watch sunsets. We
very quickly turned eerie. A scene out our backpacks. sat outside, but no more
of Planet of the Apes stopped us in our We backed away creepy forest jaunts
tracks. We were suddenly in a stand-off for us.
with about a dozen baboons – some were

74 OCTOBER 2018 kulula.com





MAPLESS & CLUELESS EXPLORE

STUDENT DAZE realised that we didn’t have enough petrol we were caught in a scene from a heist
to get back to the lodge. Just as this movie. At the store, the manager insisted
There was one trip from which I thought dawned on us, a taxi drove past us in the that we hurry up and that we needed
I wouldn’t be returning. My friends and opposite direction and inside we spotted to be gone before the sun went down,
I went to a backpackers on the Wild our friends waving at us – they’d be at the otherwise, he said, someone would follow
Coast, a beautiful spot overlooking the backpackers before us! us. So, there we were, freaked out and
beach not too far from Coffee Bay. There with no choice but to drive back along
were nine of us and we were all given It was already five o’clock and we this pothole-infested road while the sun
one warning: Don’t drive at night. We needed to get money for food, fill up the was setting in our faces. It couldn’t get
couldn’t even conceive of the extent of tank and try and get back before the sun any worse, until we hit roadworks and the
the potholes until we drove the road. And disappeared. We drove to the middle of lady with the one-way sign turned it to
we’d made some mistakes. When we the first town we found and at the petrol let us go through. Just as we pulled off,
arrived at the backpackers, we realised station, we became aware of a gathering a bus came careening around a corner
we’d forgotten to buy food – we’d also of taxis. It looked very dodgy and we felt in our direction… That was the start of
forgotten to pick up our friends who’d like we were being watched. We had to a bumpy, nerve-wracking 90-minute
been waiting for us in another town, two draw a huge sum of cash from the ATM ride back to the backpackers. It was the
hours back. Some of us set off to do at the garage, pay for petrol and shop scariest trip of my life.
damage control: get money, shop, collect for groceries. All the while, we felt like
our friends… On the way, though, we

Interview: Keith Bain, Pictures: Sven Kristian, OlegGr/shutterstock.com, There was one trip from
Piotr Wawrzyniuk/shutterstock.com, Nigar Alizada/shutterstock.com which I thought I wouldn’t
be returning

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 77

EXPLORE MAPLESS & CLUELESS Surrounded by huge evergreen
trees, it was like something
WHERE YOU’LL out of a movie
FIND ME

Sweden, ah, the air is so fresh… On a
recent trip there with my girlfriend, I
honestly felt like I was breathing oxygen
for the first time. The air is that crisp,
clear, clean. We stayed in a tiny village
near Stockholm, where we booked into
an Airbnb in a double-storey house that
had its own farm which led onto a lake
with a boat that we could use. It was our
anniversary and we were able to set off
at sunset, floating on this magical body
of water. Engulfed by dead silence and
surrounded by huge evergreen trees,
it was like something out of a movie.
It’s not just the beauty of the place
that you notice, there’s great respect
for the environment, too. No one litters
and everyone’s super-specific about
their recycling. No one stresses about
transport, either. There were barely any
cars on the roads – people cycle as much
as possible.

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LOST AND FOUND EXPLORE

Tom Eaton loses the plot in a dark forest filled
with bears and gruesome Disney flashbacks

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 81

ne bright spring morning in nights pressing their grubb- ears to the When experts claim that there are no
2006, a brown bear left his home door listening for the snuffling of wolves more wild brown bears in German-, aren’t
in Ital- and set off north in search and bears. But it had been 170 -ears since the- reall- just sa-ing that there are no
of his fortune. the last wild brown bear had been killed more out-of-control hedonistic brown
In Austria, he found beehives full of in German-. In the era of open borders and bears with a penchant for busting open
sweet hone- and barns full of fat sheep. In predator-free farming, nobod- was read- sheep pens and pla-ing fast and loose
German-, however, he found notoriet-. His for the enterprising Bruno. And he made with the law? Surel- it’s entirel- possible
exploits had made headlines from Aachen ha- while the summer sun shone. that there are dozens of much more
to Zwingenberg, and soon Bavaria’s stealth- and ascetic brown bears, lurking
environment minister declared that the European summers, however, are like giant furr- ninjas in the underbrush?
bear – now named Bruno b- the press – short, and Bavarian environmentalists
was ‘out of control’. have surprisingl- twitch- trigger-fingers. A few -ears ago, these questions
To be fair, ‘out of control’ b- modern The government put a price on Bruno’s fought for space in m- brain. Except, on
German standards also includes talking head, and even though he managed to that morning the- were probabl- quite a
with -our mouth full and failing to get evade a pack of bear-hunting hounds lot less logical and h-pothetical and quite
council permission to tell a joke at a social speciall- imported from Finland, his luck a bit more terrif-ing and real. Because
gathering. Bruno was probabl- just doing couldn’t last forever. He was shot at the that was the morning I saw a wild bear in
what an- self-respecting bear would have end of June, and German- was once a German forest. Well, its paw print. Sort
done when presented with a vast trans- again bearless. of. Just before I got hopelessl-, franticall-,
Alpine buffet. sobbingl- lost.
Because that’s what modern Europe is. Or was it? After all, if Bruno had been
Once upon a time, its terrified inhabitants a little more disciplined, and avoided The woods of the far European north
rushed their flocks into the barn attached the drive-throughs in favour of more tend towards austere nightmare, their
to their hovels and spent excruciating traditional bear food like rabbits and wild endless fluttering leaves or black and
hone- and the children of woodcutters, white vertical lines inviting images of
would an-one have known he was there? Swedish homicide detectives kneeling

82 OCTOBER 2018 kulula.com

LOST AND FOUND EXPLORE

over human remains. These immense have been where our most horrifying So why had I started power-walking
expanses of life are unsympathetic to fairy tales played out in past centuries, in the opposite direction? Why was
us and our small concerns. but these days they are as quiet and I murmuring curses and whispering
regulated as a Stuttgart watchmaker. promises to various gods? Why was
If we walk through them, they will They are the last place in the world you the forest, empty until a moment ago,
ignore us. If we die in them, they will eat are liable to get eaten alive. suddenly full of rustling shapes? And
us. They are entirely disinterested. why couldn’t I remember anything
Which is why, when I saw the saucer- about what to do if you are confronted
Down in the first foothills of the Alps, sized depression mashed into the muddy by a bear?
however, forests have an entirely path, I knew it couldn’t be a bear footprint.
different character. There was simply no way. For starters, That last one was particularly vexing
there were no wild bears left in Germany. because I knew that I knew what to do.
Perhaps it’s the residual magic of And even if another Bruno had managed
childhood fairy tales. Perhaps some of to run the gauntlet of fully automatic When I was a child, I spent every
us still have some ancient connection to environmentalists and had made it into Sunday afternoon watching a live-action
the primordial forests that sheltered our the country, it would never have come Disney movie, and at some point, in every
ancestors. Perhaps I’ve just watched the to this forest on the eastern boundary of single one of those movies, every single
German Monty Python episodes too many Heidelberg, just 70 kilometres from the Sunday, a small child (or a small dog, or
times. Whatever the reason, the fact is French border. a small child transformed into a small
that the forests of southern Germany dog) found themselves in the Colorado
and Austria seem to invite one in, rolling No, it wasn’t a bear paw print. It was wilderness, threatened by a roaring
out carpets of wildflowers, opening obvious what had made that shape in the grizzly. It didn’t matter if the movie was a
ancient gates of wood and leaf. They mud: a horse had walked along this track, heist caper set in Victorian London or the
promise secret paths; sun-dappled green; and soon afterwards a very large dog had tale of space pirates: at some point, we
birdsong; peace. trotted over the horse prints, leaving large were in Colorado being loomed over
claw marks over the front end. Obviously. by a raging bear.
Most of all, they promise safety. The
woods of southern Germany might

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 83

EXPLORE LOST AND FOUND

Now, if we assume that a childhood 6o rivers a6ywhere 6ear me a6d I did6’t sorti6g through a chaotic jumble of
lasts about 12 years a6d that there are 52 eve6 wa6t to side-eye a bear, let alo6e me6tal maps, tryi6g to figure the last
Su6days i6 a year, it mea6s I’d watched stare it dow6. mome6t you were Fou6d i6 the hope
at least 624 bear attacks. A6d si6ce of u6dersta6di6g the poi6t where you
they were Dis6ey movies, a6d the o6ly Which was more or less the mome6t become Lost.
horrifyi6g i6juries o6 display were to the that I realised I was completely lost.
dig6ity of the scree6writers, it mea6t I’d I faced a choice: press o6, getti6g more
watched 624 thwarted bear attacks. People thi6k that bei6g lost is lost; or retrace my steps a6d get eate6 by
somethi6g that happe6s to you i6 the a bear. I decided to press o6. A6d the6 – I
A6d yet, as I bega6 ru66i6g, telli6g prese6t; that all of a sudde6 you look wa6ted to burst i6to so6g! – I recog6ised
myself that I was joggi6g 6ot fleei6g, I up a6d say, ‘Oh dear, I’m lost.’ But what a particular tree at a particular fork i6 the
could6’t remember a si6gle o6e of those I discovered that day is that getti6g lost path. I was Fou6d! I k6ew exactly where
624 thwarti6gs. Had all the childre6- is a6 experie6ce that plays out almost I was. All I had to do was go left here,
slash-dogs played dead, or had they e6tirely i6 the past. Because of course by keep o6 for a few mi6utes, a6d I would
bolted? I had a vague se6se that some the time you realise you’re lost – whe6 emerge from the forest withi6 a few
of them had dived i6to 6earby rivers, a6d you look up a6d say ‘Oh dear, I’m lost’ – hu6dred metres of the tow6. A6y seco6d
that others had stared dow6 the bear you’ve bee6 lost for some time already. 6ow I would hear the comforti6g roar of
with steely fro6tier glares; but there were All you ca6 do i6 the prese6t is scrabble the autobah6. A6d yes! The trees
through the rece6t past, fra6tically

84 OCTOBER 2018 kulula.com





LOST AND FOUND EXPLORE

Illustrations : Tomacco/shutterstock.com, yaistantine/shutterstock.com, were thinning, sunlight spilling through closer and its driver waved cheerfully. as they once did. German forests, once
DenisKrivo/shutterstock.com, nataka/shutterstock.com the thinning canopy. Just a few more I stepped out to meet him, and, when haunted by witches and wolves, are now
steps and I would see a wide river, a heaving with panicked South Africans,
quaint town, and nothing even faintly he switched off the engine, I greeted him and their borders are ploughed by lanky
resembling a bear. in my best German, and asked him where Australians. The magical world of the
the nearest town was. Brothers Grimm is gone forever.
I broke into a relieved trot, scampering
across a carpet of fallen leaves and He looked me up and down with As the years go by, however, I’m
leaping over one last log, and burst out an expression somewhere between increasingly glad that I got lost that
into beautiful sunshine and a view of… suspicion and pity, and, in a broad day. Instead of feeling like a mistake,
Australian accent, said, ‘Mate, you’re not it’s started to feel almost archetypal.
Farmlands. from around here, are you?’
Everywhere I looked, fields stretched After all, going on a short ramble
away into the summer sun. So that’s the story of how I got lost and then panicking over an imaginary
There was no denying it. I was now so because I thought there was a bear bear and then getting lost and finding
lost I’d even managed to lose the forest. chasing me. I admit that it’s not the help in the last place you expected to
Still, the fields were blessedly free of greatest anecdote. But perhaps that’s be – isn’t that just what we call the
bears; and as I watched, a tractor droned the nature of the world we live in these human condition?
days. Intrepid Brunos can’t roam the Alps

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 87

Bake a difference with
Cupcakes of Hope
BIG LOVE,
BIG CAKES

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Guinness World Record by creating the tallest

tower of cupcakes. It measured 10,7m and enabled

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this year, Cupcakes of Hope celebrated Nelson Mandela’s

centennial with a 3m-high sculpted Madiba cake,

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the largest-ever Mandela cake.

C omair partner Cupcakeg of Hope difference in the liveg of thoge with illugtrated leaflet explaining the early
ig on a miggion to improve our limited meang. Each month, the warning gigng of childhood cancer. The
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88 OCTOBER 2018 kulula.com



Reckon you’d survive in the G rowing up in Joburg, I have
wild? Nicci Collier ponders street-savvy in my blood. My
her chances of making it out urban survival skills are world
alive – and goes in search of class. Lose me in an unknown shopping
centre or a parking lot and, I’m not

ways to improve her odds. kidding, I have a sixth sense for finding

Because, let’s face it, all my bearings in record time. But lose me
those hours of Crossfit don’t in the wild and I’m not sure the same
amount to much when you’re applies. One of my earliest report cards
notes that ‘Nicci does not like to play
up against the reality of in the sand pit as she does not enjoy

surviving the elements sans getting sand on her.’ While my brother was

all the modern trappings… racking up the Boy Scout badges for fire
making and orienteering, I was learning to

do synchronised swimming and ballet and

perform a Shakespearean monologue. And
then I moved to Cape Town and everyone
wanted to heroically hike a steep gorge
and sleep under the stars.

THheUNGEgRamesEvenIwantedto.

90 OCTOBER 2018 kulula.com

TRUE SURVIVOR EXPLORE

GETTING IN TOUCH WITH MY INNER LOAF-LOVERS
HUNTER-GATHERER
Now, what is a foraged feast without a
‘Will you be warm enough like that?’ our eager group brings him their latest delicious bread with which to savour
asks Erika. ‘Oh, I’m sure I will be fine,’ I find. ‘Some people eat it, but it really your finds? Only, there is no Jason’s
say, immediately regretting that I didn’t just tastes soapy.’
bring a warm jacket. Sure enough, bakery in the bundu… so it’s off
within minutes, the crisp winter air of I make a grab for a promising-looking to Bread and Wine at Môreson for
the forest is biting at me through my stub of fungus. ‘Oh no, that’s the one I anyone who wants to learn how to
thin sweater. I’m also hopelessly tired told you about which made the lady go dough-it-yourself. e Franschhoek
from a late night birthday party. We are blind in one eye.’ wine farm offers a monthly bread-
not off to a good start.
Justin is traipsing us over a forest making experience with baker
Justin, also known as The Mushroom floor of pine needles as part of a extraordinaire Tina Jewell herself
Forager, is explaining that white gills mushroom foraging course offered by (wife of chef and charcutier Neil
are to be avoided at all costs. Although, Veld and Sea. These savvy gatherers Jewell), allowing loaf-lovers to get their
he adds, there is in fact an edible offer a coastal foraging experience too, hands floured up with four different
mushroom species in Cape Town with and a fynbos foraging workshop. I’m doughs: focaccia, soda bread, sour
white gills – the delicious white parasol. curious: ‘Hypothetically, do you think dough and olive oil brown. While the
So, really, what he’s saying is that it’s you could survive off foraged food if you yums are in the oven, you get sent off
just best to be an expert. Great. ‘That got stranded on Table Mountain?’ to taste the wines – which isn’t very
one’s not edible,’ he says, as someone in Survivor but certainly makes the
‘Definitely,’ Justin says. ‘Autumn course all the more enjoyable! e next
would bring the mushrooms, tasty courses take place on 20 October and
24 November. breadandwine.co.za

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 91

EXPLORE TRUE SURVIVOR

roots and bulbs and chestnuts. Winter Lodge, just over an hour’s drive from THE FAMOUS ESCAPE
would be the season of leafy greens, Cape Town, offers not only a serene
while spring’s bounty of new season break from the city with its fynbos Of course, I don’t intend to be stuck in
growth would also be good. Some walks and game drives, but also archery the wilderness alone, so it’s important
months would be a lot easier, but I think lessons taught by an experienced coach to select my fellow survivors carefully.
one could survive indefinitely on what – owners Thys and his wife Amalia have
Table Mountain provides – if they knew both competed for the Protea team, To test out our compatibility, what
what they were doing.’ Well, that rules winning medals internationally. Thys could be better than a HintHunt
me out (for now, anyway). Note to self: starts me off with a more basic bow and session? e famous escape game
pursue further foraging courses, next once I’ve got the hang of that, managing sees team members locked in a room
time with a full night’s sleep and a warm to twist out my double-jointed elbow together with an hour to escape.
jacket. veldandsea.com correctly so as not to scrape my arm e Submarine Room, for example,
when I release the arrows, I graduate to is a subaquatic adventure with an
NOT TO BE MESSED WITH the real deal. There’s a little hole to look advanced underwater setting designed
through and a green light that should to feel as if you’re inside a nautical
Having gathered an edible harvest line up with the centre of the target, and vehicle, fully submerged beneath the
that’ll provide sustenance in the a raising-your-arms technique for pulling big blue. As the clock ticks, everyone
wild, my next task is to learn suitable back the bow. Experienced archers works together to crack codes and
defence skills should the need arise to can look forward to trying their luck decipher puzzles – in short, that
protect my food stockpile – or myself. with life-sized rubber animal targets to submarine is sinking and you need to
Now smitten with the forest life of an simulate the endeavours of our early San get out of there, pronto. Teamwork
elfin forager, archery is of course my ancestors. thalithali.co.za and communication under pressure
choice of activity. Thali Thali Game are key, making this the perfect
assessment task for finding suitable

companions. hinthunt.com

92 OCTOBER 2018 kulula.com





TRUE SURVIVOR EXPLORE

FINDING MY INNER SPARK So, while I’m lt Thlli Thlli I give MAN UP, BEAR GRYLLS!
it l whirl. And, ls turns out, it rellly
Fire-mlking is the outdoorswomln’s can be thlt difficult. My efforts If it’s an all-in-one survival
essentill lrt. Some sly it’s the splrk thlt begin lcceptlbly but soon go down – programme you require, there is
mlde us humln. On my trlvels, I’ve seen unfortunltely – not in fllmes, but like l Rangers Survivalcra . Just two
Romlniln friends glther twigs into l feisty dlmp squib… l dlmp lnything, rellly. hours out of Cape Town, on the
bonfire in l forest outside Plris (which Andrel, my trlvel complnion swoops 1 385-hectare Rangers Reserve,
did not go down well with the French in to rescue our brlli while I mope off
plssersby) lnd l dlpper Austrlliln forge to find some WiFi lnd try to Google you can do anything from a
dlncing midnight fllmes on l secret belch ‘stlrting l fire’. My prospects of survivll one-day intro course or a family
in Thlillnd. If they mlde it look so simple, lre not good, not good lt lll. day course, to a one-week course
surely it cln’t be too hlrd for me, in basic and advanced survival
l regte, egte Suidafrikaner. training. e one-day programme

includes awareness training,
survival priorities, shelter, water,
food, personal defence, archery,

safe knife skills, plus knots
and traps. And you will learn
how to make a fire in the wild!

rangerssurvivalcra .com

kulula.com OCTOBER 2018 95

EXPLORE TRUE SURVIVOR

THE WHEREABOUTS OF FINDING MY WAY ABOUT

I’ve dragged my friend Matt off to and he soon gets distracted by buck we return home, it’s not long before I
find the last of the Cape snow and prints in the mud which have completely find a solution to my lack of orientation:
we’re headed for the Matroosberg. bypassed my radar. (Tracking… I must Cape Town’s Peninsula Orienteering
Unfortunately – and this I suppose is add that to my list of skills to learn.) Club (Penoc) hosts orienteering events
where I realise the need for upskilling throughout the year and anyone is
in the orienteering arena – we don’t end Well, in short, we get nowhere near welcome. The idea of this outdoor
up anywhere near the Matroosberg and the snow, but we find a stream and I adventure sport is to navigate between
instead follow our noses and a white- confidently fill up a water bottle and a set of control points, using a detailed
peaked mountain we’ve spotted. Trouble pride myself on having led us to a map and sometimes a compass. You can
is, by following our noses instead of the source of fresh water. Never mind that run or walk, but the aim (aside from, in
GPS, we’ve ended up on a road where I wouldn’t have had a clue how to purify my case, learning a crucial survival skill)
we inconveniently are forced to ignore the water if it wasn’t coming straight off is to complete the course as quickly as
the ‘Private Access’ signage and steal the heights of a snow-capped private possible. Along with the basics of using
onto someone’s land in order to get to mountain peak. a compass and a map, I decide it would
the mountains beyond. Matt is American do me good to figure out how to use the
and he is a bit unsure but I assure him Having confirmed my water divining stars to navigate, too – and how to not
that in this part of the world ’n boer skills, I nevertheless realise that get distracted by pretty mountains and
maak ’n plan and we’ll ‘apologise after’ there’s an urgent need to improve my curious side routes… penoc.org.za
orienteering skills. Them mountains ain’t
nothing like a Jozi mall, I realise. When

96 OCTOBER 2018 kulula.com



WE

SPEAK
FAIRNESS.

Many of us don’t fully understand what the South African Office Tax Ombud, Judge Bernard Ngoepe
of the Tax Ombud actually is. Let’s start from the beginning, what is
HOW DO I LODGE A COMPLAINT?
an Ombud?
An Ombud is an independent and impartial officer who deals with • You need to obtain a complaint form. Visit the Office
complaints about an organisation/agency, whether private or public. of the Tax Ombud or contact the Office by telephone,
Typically, these complaints involve issues that the organisation or fax or email to request a copy of the complaint form.
agency has been unable or unwilling, to resolve to the complainant’s The form is also available on our website.
satisfaction. We are fortunate enough in South Africa to have a body
like that. The Office of the Tax Ombud operates independently of the • Document the factual situation of your complaint
South African Revenue Service as an impartial mediator between the in chronological order. Attach all the supporting
South African taxpayers and SARS. documents relevant to the complaint.

FAIR AND IMPARTIAL PROBLEM-SOLVING. • Ensure that the form is completed in full. Write down
the reference numbers from SARS; indicate the name
The Tax Ombud is appointed by the Minister of Finance to whom he of the SARS branch, date and person you escalated
reports directly. The Tax Ombud reviews and addresses complaints the case to.
that are of service, procedural and administrative nature. We work
specifically with taxpayers who have been unable to resolve a complaint • All complaint forms must be signed and dated. If
through the normal complaints management channels of SARS. the form does not allow you to relate your complaint
fully, use extra paper which must be attached to your
HAVE YOU GONE THROUGH THE CORRECT COMPLAINTS complaint form.

CHANNELS? • The Office of the Tax Ombud will not accept unsigned
forms. Taxpayer representatives must confirm their
It is important to note that there are certain circumstances where the authority to act on behalf of their clients through a fully
Tax Ombud cannot make recommendations on. Therefore, before completed power of attorney, and submit ID copies of
approaching the Tax Ombud, taxpayers must first try to resolve both the taxpayer and taxpayer representative.
their complaints directly with SARS (through SARS’s Complaints
• If there is not enough evidence to support your
Management Office which can be reached on 0860 121 216) complaint, the matter may be closed. However, we
will first give you an opportunity to substantiate your
unless if there are compelling circumstances. complaint or provide the necessary evidence.
If still unresolved, you may then submit your complaint to the Office of
the Tax Ombud by downloading and completing the Complaints Form • Once we have received your form, the Tax Ombud
found on our website www.taxombud.gov.za/make-a-complaint. will investigate the complaint and decide how to
html, call us on 0800 662 837 or send us an email to complaints@ handle it if it falls within our mandate, otherwise
taxombud.gov.za or visit our office in Pretoria. we will recommend alternative remedies. For more
Taxpayers are obliged to comply with the tax laws of our country and information, visit www.taxombud.gov.za.
should continue to pay the tax amounts due to avoid penalties whilst
their complaint is under review.
We may not be able to help you set up your e-filing account, but we do
facilitate access to justice in South Africa and contribute to a culture
of respect for the tax system and for taxpayers’ rights and obligations.