KHULUMA December 2019

GETTING BUFF WITH BEN TROVATO DISCOVER

SHAMELESS

The darkly comic writer Ben Trovato has just released another book full of scathing short
stories that tread the fine line between fact, fiction and drunken speculation. It’s called

Durban Poison and it’s perfect for plane rides, train wrecks and snoozing under on the beach
when you forget to pack an umbrella. To get you in the mood, here’s one chapter

kulula.com DECEMBER 2019 199

After months of no hard With the brain and body no longer from doctors and pharmacists. Fitness, on
work, I have finally talking to one another, you can get on the other hand, can only be achieved from
managed to develop a with the job of developing the most perfect a magazine that sports the photograph
classic example of what’s dad bod on the planet. No, wait. This is not of a bronzed god with the most perfectly
known in the trade as a dad bod. what I’m meant to be writing about. This chiselled torso on its cover.
was supposed to be about getting into
It hasn’t all been downhill. Well, I shape for summer. Nobody wants to see Fitness seems to be a gender-neutral
suppose it has. But the body is a funny your sad dad bod on the beach. concept so there’s no reason why, if you’re
thing. Some are funnier than others, that’s not a man, the advice I am about to glean
for sure. It’s not as easy as you might I went out and bought a magazine for and share shouldn’t also apply to you.
think to lose all muscle tone and upper inspiration. I thought I was buying Men’s Apart, perhaps, from the feature workout
body strength and develop a healthy pair Health because it had a half-naked bloke promised on the cover: ‘Rock-hard abs! No
of moobs. You don’t just get a dad bod on the cover, but when I got home I saw excuse for soft abs this summer.’
overnight, you know. You need to keep at it. it was in fact a magazine called Fitness.
The only reason I never took it back, apart For a long time, I thought abs stood
Here’s what happens. The body is from not wanting to do the 30-metre walk for anti-lock braking system. It was quite
initially delighted. Beer, bunny chows and back to the shops after already having disappointing to discover that abs are in
no exercise? Woohoo! This is the life. Then sat down, was because it occurred to me fact some kind of rare muscle group that
the brain interferes. Hardwired to focus that it was more fitness and not so much disintegrates when you turn 40. When
almost exclusively on ways of ensuring the health that I was after. Health you can get Darwin was dishing out abs, I must’ve been
survival of the species, it knows the road having a smoke in the parking lot.
you’re trying to take it down leads to a
place where opportunities for propagation The cover also promises a ‘full-body
are few and far between. workout in just one move!’ Oh, please. I’ve
had that one down for years. All you need
It knows that the only women who is a swivel ’n tilt chair on wheels, a smooth
might, at a push, find a dad bod anything
less than repulsive are the ones who have floor and a clear run to the fridge.
a mom bod. In almost every case, though, Opening the magazine, you’re hit
mom bods are more attractive than dad
bods. There’s a reason men on dating sites by at least three companies trying to
don’t list their body type as ‘curvaceous’. get you to buy their whey. Looking at
Or so I’ve heard. the models, it seems unlikely they got
like that through whey alone. I reckon
The brain eventually gives up and they’ve been dipping into the curds, at the
says, ‘Fine. Do whatever you want. very least.
What do I care?’ Parts of the The publisher’s name is Andrew
body, overhearing this, shout, Carruthers. In my mind, a middle-aged
‘Hey! Speak for yourself. executive who liked to keep fit, but was
Selfish brain.’ The running to flab as a result of all the
brain sighs heavily. meetings he has to attend. Then I turned
‘Stupid body.’ the page to the publisher’s letter. I’ve
had the police, army, ex-wives and hired
assassins after me and lived to tell the

200 DECEMBER 2019 kulula.com

GETTING BUFF WITH BEN TROVATO DISCOVER

Pictures: Visual Generation/istock.com, ShvetsovaDesign/istock.com, Evgeniya_Mokeeva/istock.com tale. Having Andrew Carruthers I might have left it a bit late, to be the fat sucked out of me for that price. I
after me is something I’d like to honest. Summer is in full swing in Durban thought I might learn something from
avoid. He looks like the leader while Cape Town is still trying to make up an interview with cover boy Wayne
of the most dangerous prison its mind. Anyway, it’s rutting season and Coetzee. And I did. He says the
gang in the world. I wouldn’t looking anything better than your worst is secret is to never miss a meal,
have a hope in hell of out- best for all concerned. never miss a workout. Excellent.
running or out-fighting him. I have 50 per cent of it under
On the letters page, Alan asks, via control already.
In his column titled, ‘Grow your email, what to do about stiffness in his Another memorable quote is,
mind, not just your muscles’, he joints after heavy lifting. Alan, if you’re ‘I always squeeze the muscle with
says, ‘The greatest ideas in history struggling to lift your joints, you’re either every rep, whether it’s a superset or
have come from people who were rolling them too big or you have the
either considered outcasts, insane physique of Mr Burns. a max-rep set.’ If I ever manage to find
or mad.’ This gives me hope that out what he’s talking about, I bet I can
we could sit down over a brace I’ve thought of going to gym at different look like him in no time at all. Oh, thank
of tequilas and a couple of whey points in my life – most of them were god. There’s a sultry fox on page 26. Just
chasers and discuss the subtle differences pretty low points, admittedly – but I’ve looking at her is cardio training on its own.
between insanity and madness. never known what to wear so I didn’t Her ideal man, apart from having a body
go. Good thing, too. A gym T-shirt costs like Achilles (without the dodgy heel), is
Let me flip through the magazine to R900 and a pair of shorts R749. I can go ‘good with cuddles and booty rubs’. I am
find ways of developing a beach bod that to a backstreet plastic surgeon and get the cuddlemeister and I used to rub my
will blow the girls away this summer. I army booties until you could shave in their
suspect, though, the only way this might reflection. Call me, babe.
happen is if I strap a bomb belt around my
wobbly white waist. There is also advice on how to biohack
your love life. Biohack? Love life? What
There’s a literary line are these things? It’s suggested that you
that links Ben Trovato with perform ‘male deer exercises’ and eat a
the Hunter S. Thompsons of the Peruvian root that grows on the slopes
world – hard, cut-throat, slightly angry of the Andes. I miss the good old days of
writing that will make you chuckle and not having to first go to South America
wince simultaneously. His new book, Durban or prance about the lounge snorting and
Poison: A Collection of Vitriol and Wit, is filled pawing the ground.
with vitriol and wit, just as the subtitle says.
Plus, sagas so sordid you might need to If pain is your thing, there’s a feature on
wash your hands (and eyeballs) after endurance where you can ‘learn to suffer’.
reading. It’s published by MFBooks Please. I’ve been married twice. I know
about suffering.
Joburg, an imprint of
Jacana Media. That reminds me. I have to get to the
bottle store before it closes.

See you at the beach.

kulula.com DECEMBER 2019 201

ADVERTORIAL

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At the Grand Arena several energetic, world-class shows and
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Hit the dance floor with some of the best local DJs at the Hanover
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entertainment at the Jackson Hall wine and cocktail bar.

Kids love the Magic Company arcade games, The Ice Station ice rink,
Magic Bowling’s tenpin bowling, Laser Tag and the latest blockbusters
at CineCentre. To celebrate summer, the Fun Park opens on
16 December 2019 with the Pop-Up Play Ground for younger children,
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THE LIFESAVERS DISCOVER

They have their eyes peeled
and their fitness levels in check
so that we can relax and enjoy
our time splashing about in the
sea. Biénne Huisman meets

two South African lifeguards
who dedicate their beach time

to keeping us safe

kulula.com DECEMBER 2019 203

204 DECEMBER 2019 Ryle de Morny is far more than a gorgeous chiselled frame. The
31-year-old athlete has saved countless lives patrolling South
Africa’s coastline. He has graced local silver screens as a Top
Billing presenter, and is now adding actor to his resume with
a Netflix production underway. 
Ryle holds the title of South Africa’s ‘Fastest Man on Sand’, having
represented Lifesaving South Africa on the world stage several times in
the past two decades, twice winning gold at the World Championships for
beach sprinting. 
In April, he again kicked dust in the faces of competitors at the General
Tire Lifesaving SA Surf Interprovincials at Cape Town’s Clifton beach. 
‘I wear so many hats,’ he says. ‘But really at the crest of it all, is
how am I going to share all the love? For me at this point, it’s all
about sharing the love.’ 
Ryle describes his childhood as humble. He was raised by his parents
in Heathfield and his granny in Athlone, on the Cape Flats. His ambition
to become a lifeguard was first sparked on Muizenberg beach when he was
seven. This is when he started training. Before that, he could not even swim. 
‘I learned to swim through lifesaving itself,’ he says. ‘I was seven years old and
completely petrified of the sea at the time. We went to the beach and I saw these
gods and goddesses, absolutely fearlessly running into the ocean. It was inspiring.
So, it took me two to three years to learn to swim. I was so scared of the water yet
wanted it so badly. It was a really difficult journey. But I managed and that was the key
to unlocking an incredible life.’  
Since then, he has patrolled beaches all over Cape Town – Camps Bay, Sunrise Beach,
Strandfontein, Fish Hoek, Clifton and Llandudno – with stints in Durban too. 
‘Each beach is different with different challenges. But my home beach is definitely
Muizenberg, Surfer’s Corner. This is where I grew up and trained.’  
He will never forget the first time he saved a life, on a bustling Cape Town Boxing Day. 
‘I was doing a voluntary lifeguarding session, on a very hectic Boxing Day,’ he
says. ‘We did a total of 16 rescues that day. There was a really bad backwash, rip
tides, and sandbanks disintegrating and crumbling. We were alerted about a girl
in trouble. My friend and I, we got a rubber duck out. I was standing on the
rubber duck; the patient, she was already sinking, nearly submerged. I

reached under the water and managed to get a hold of her,

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THE LIFESAVERS DISCOVER

kulula.com DECEMBER 2019 205



THE LIFESAVERS DISCOVER

pulling her up. I will never forget that day, looking at her face and her eyes, her eyes had
been open under the water. We did resuscitation and it worked. She coughed, starting to
spew up water. On the beach, I handed her over to the next team who continued helping her
to recover. There are no words to describe the feeling of saving someone’s life. Knowing that
all the training and practice you put in is coming together like that.’ 
For Ryle, another career highlight is training youngsters to become lifeguards. ‘I really enjoy
training kids from less affluent areas like Grassy Park and Mitchells Plain, you know, getting them
off the streets and teaching them skills that can literally change their lives, as it did mine.’
He has also set up funds to collect money for youngsters who cannot afford the travel costs
associated with international lifesaving competitions. 
Moreover, Ryle is not afraid to work around the clock to fulfil his dreams. Often he is up at
5am, with bedtime past midnight. To keep fit, he does track work, strength work, swimming,
trail running, CrossFit, lifting and yoga. It’s all for the cause, though. He insists that we always
remember our purpose – our ‘why?’ 
‘I really truly mean that every time I say it,’ he says. ‘I genuinely just want to remind everyone
of their potential. Every morning you wake up, you make a choice to work at being whoever
you want to be. I mean, take a deep breath and feel all that life inside of you, just waiting

to flow out. It’s hard to keep it in.’ 

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208 DECEMBER 2019

kulula.com

pictures: Jethro Snyders, Supplied

THE LIFESAVERS DISCOVER

Sue-Ellen Martin is the only woman among 70 professional lifeguards at
eThekwini Municipality, along KwaZulu-Natal’s coast. After six years on the beat,
the pure adrenalin of the December rush still excites her. 

The lithe swimmer with her bright, beaming smile has saved more lives than
she can count. ‘The joy when you bring someone back to their family, this is the highlight of my job. The kids, they look at me like I’m
Captain Marvel,’ she says, laughing. 

Originally from Mariannheights in Pinetown, Sue-Ellen, now 38, ditched her job in banking when she was 32 years old.  
‘I was a banker for more than ten years,’ she says. ‘Yes – blazer, glasses, long nails, stockings, the works. I was in business
sales, and I was good. But in 2013, we were going through so much in the banking sector.
I realised that being good at something didn’t mean you were happy. I wasn’t. They were reshuffling and I decided that was it,
I resigned. I always loved training and took up instructing at Virgin Active full time. But I have two kids. And being a single mom
was a nightmare, unfortunately, I couldn’t cover all the gaps. That’s when a training programme opened at the eThekwini
Municipality for female lifeguards. At the time, there were only male lifeguards throughout all our beaches.’  
So at 32, Sue-Ellen got her first formal swimming lessons. Training at Durban’s Marine Lifesaving Club was tough, but
she persevered. ‘It was hectic,’ she says. ‘We had a three-hour session of just pool in the morning, lunch, practical beach
training, then a two-hour surf lesson afterwards until 5pm. I would then go for two aerobics classes and get home after
8pm, exhausted.’ 
The gruelling schedule was laced with lighter moments, too. For example, when a fellow trainee got hit in the face by
a surfboard and their coach fainted, recalls Sue-Ellen, grinning. 
‘This girl, she had to have stitches just above her eye. So our coach, Sarah – bless her – fainted when she saw the blood.
Soon after, Sarah resigned from the programme and went on to be a pool supervisor.’ 
Today, Sue-Ellen has worked the region’s nine central beaches, from uShaka to Addington and North Beach, which attracts
crowds of thousands over the festive season. Last year in December, authorities estimated over 700 000 revellers gathered
on eThekwini’s coast on public holidays. 
What keeps Sue-Ellen awake at night? ‘The families that are left after a drowning,’ she says. ‘Their cries and heartache. If it’s
a child, I don’t feel anything besides anger; the parents should know better. The odds are, if a child can’t swim, there will be drowning
and death. Then there are the faces of the young girls we pulled out after a group of boys fondled them in the water. Sometimes
I worry for my own family – the fear that tomorrow I could go to work and run in for a rescue and never make it out, leaving my
own beautiful girls behind.’ 
Despite the heartbreaking challenges of her profession, Sue-Ellen insists that changing careers has been the best decision of her life.
‘Being the only female lifeguard among 70 male lifeguards is thrilling,’ she says. ‘I feel blessed to be able to kick butt after so
many years. A couple of the guys had a bet that I wouldn’t last a year. So I showed them! I want to be a great role model for other
women, showing them that nothing is impossible. Since I’ve been around, I’ve been training with other girls, pushing them to pursue
this career. I believe it is up to me to make an impact. Someone saw potential in me, and now I’m living my best life. So I’m always
looking to find that same potential in the next great woman.’ 
Going forward, Sue-Ellen hopes to become a senior lifeguard, running her own beach. And after that a superintendent,
who controls the entire district.

‘I love what lifeguards stand for,’ she says. ‘Nothing beats saving people. There is no greater reward than
doing a job you love. I feel like I am no longer working, but living.
Being a lifeguard is a passion, not a job.’ 

kulula.com DECEMBER 2019 209



HOMELESS HUMANS DISCOVER

The invisibles
We ignore them, we avoid eye contact, we wave them away, and we wish ‘the government’
would take care of them. Biénne Huisman meets a few of the unseen humans who live on

the streets, homeless, but not without a soul and a story to tell

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HOMELESS HUMANS DISCOVER

A t a wooden bench outside Yusra’s
Kitchen on Sea Point’s Main Road,
Vicky Matthew (pictured left)
sits bent over a crossword puzzle. It’s
dusk. Overhead, neon lights flicker as
police vans scream past. His possessions
are scattered at his feet: indiscriminate
cloth packages, neatly rolled. ‘Hello,
I’m Vicky,’ he says. ‘I’m from America.
From Washington.’ Vicky used to work in
the movie industry, doing camera work,
he says.

‘But that’s long over.’ His eyes are
wide and skittish. His face has a yellow
sheen. ‘They broke into our offices,’ he
says. ‘They stole all of the equipment.
There were hackers.’ He gestures with his
fingers, typing on an imaginary keyboard.

The pockets on Vicky’s sleeveless grey
jacket are bulging. Boxes of cigarettes are
wedged into one. Packets of crinkle-cut
chips protrude from the other. He speaks
softly, inaudibly. ‘There was a big fire too,’
he adds.

Vicky (51) sleeps on a bench on the
Sea Point Promenade. ‘Oh yes,’ his eyes
light up. ‘It’s beautiful. I wake up to the
best view of Cape Town. You know, those
waves.’ Sometimes, for safety, he spends
the night perched upright in front of the
Sea Point police station. Often, it’s scary
alone in the dark, he says. Anything can
happen. Often, it’s too dangerous to sleep.

Just down the road, in Glengariff Road,
under tall trees, Valencia Lewis has lived
on the pavement for many years. Spread
along a wall flanking the street, Valencia
and her companions often sleep right
through the day. Occasionally her face
protrudes from a huddle of blankets,
smiling at passersby.

Sitting up, she cuts a pretty silhouette.
Dressed in a striped top, with her hair
pulled back, her nails are painted bronze.

kulula.com DECEMBER 2019 213

DISCOVER HOMELESS HUMANS

‘I may be sleeping on the street,’ she says. no work, just no work,’ he says. ‘But I’m not we walk there. I’m not complaining, but – Pictures: Jac Kritzinger, Biénne Huisman
‘But when I go down to the main road or complaining. Things happen for a reason.’ ja – sometimes it’s tough.’ Valencia nods.
whatever, I make sure to dress well. One
must be presentable. I like to wear my Benny (39) adds that he is grateful. For The Western Cape Government
hair nice.’ example, every day at 12 o’clock at The estimates that 4 800 people are homeless
Haven in Napier Street in Green Point, in the greater Cape Town area, and 700 in
She adds that washing is a problem. they can queue for a free plateful of food: the central business district.
‘The only place I can go to wash is bread rolls or stew. ‘It’s just one plate, but
Jesus Saves, in town.’ Jesus Saves is still,’ says Benny. ‘So, when we get hungry Project manager of Jesus Saves,
a project of Straatwerk, a Cape Town Hannes van der Merwe says the figures
nonprofit organisation aimed at helping
the city’s destitute.

Valencia (42, pictured right) grew
up in Bishop Lavis. She moved out to
the streets in Sea Point in 1996. What
happened in 1996? She shrugs. ‘Maybe I’ll
tell you tomorrow,’ she says. ‘It was about
my father.’

Valencia has been imprisoned for
drugs. ‘For tik,’ she says. ‘Here on the
streets we do tik, and when we don’t
have money for tik, we sleep.’

On the other side of the road,
construction is underway as a new luxury
apartment block is shooting up. It’s noisy,
but Valencia’s five companions are
fast asleep.

Valencia remembers living on Glengariff
back when a small 7-Eleven café sat on
the corner. ‘There was more crime then,’
she says. ‘Sea Point had more criminals.
We know the cops and they know us. I
mean, they know our names. It’s fine, we’re
not bothering anyone. At night, I’m not
too scared. My friends here, they look
after me.’

Glancing at passing cars, she adds that
the people of Sea Point are kind. ‘People
are friendly here. The way you respect
yourself is how people will respect you
too,’ she says.

Next to Valencia, Benny Ahmed is now
stirring. By his side is a small square of
green plastic lawn, with his shoes placed
on top. ‘Hello, I’m Benny,’ he says. Benny is
originally from Mitchells Plain. ‘There was

214 DECEMBER 2019 kulula.com





HOMELESS HUMANS DISCOVER

are contested. ‘Statistics on homelessness ‘We have a School of Life, it’s basically now open to homeless people to use for
are very difficult,’ he says. ‘Some say like a second childhood,’ he says. ‘People ablutions and washing – and even to
there are more, some say less. It also learn how to co-operate in a team. They’re wash their laundry. About 40 people
depends on how it is measured.’ allowed to cry and fight, they’re taught go there to get clean every day.
unskilled manual labour. The idea is to
What drives people to a life on allow homeless people to get their lives What’s the best way
the street – a life on the fringes of together and to participate in society.’ to make a lasting
society, with uncertain tomorrows? difference in
It’s complicated, he says. ’Some of the Drugs and alcohol remain a problem. a homeless
homeless people have psychological ‘People lean on this because it’s all they person’s life? Give
problems, which may be from birth. know. We teach them different ways to food and clothes
Much of it is also a result of dysfunctional cope. We help them to retrain their minds. but never money,
communities. A breakdown in family and The solution really is good relations, to says Hannes.
other relationships. Many people had no teach people dignity.’ Get involved at a local soup kitchen
access to education, to jobs.’ or shelter, or make a donation. Most
Straatwerk runs different depots across importantly, treat these people
His project is aimed at giving people the city. One of these is the Bath House with respect.
what they describe as a second childhood. in the Bo-Kaap, an old council building

Honest dreams of happiness

Honest Dube (29) was born and raised in Plumtree, a small marula-bordered town
in Zimbabwe. On June 26, he arrived in Joburg by bus. e next day, he travelled to
Cape Town. Trained as a painter, he was lured to South Africa by promises of prosperity and
jobs. He heard incredible stories of Cape Town: a beautiful, wealthy city wedged between
mountains and the sea. Unfortunately, his wild dreams did not come true. Today Honest sleeps
on Sea Point’s streets, and sometimes on the Sea Point Promenade.

‘I am staying here,’ he says gesturing at ree Anchor Bay beach. ‘I don’t have nothing. I was
hiding most of my possessions inside a drain, but they were stolen.’

However, he is immaculately dressed: brown jacket over a clean white T-shirt, pink jeans
and canvas shoes. ‘I wash my clothes with water from the toilet on the promenade, using
a bucket.’ In his backpack, he has a change of clothes and a sleeping bag. He pulls open a zip,
reaching into the bag for a small notebook. Tucked inside, is a crumpled photo of his mother.
In a red dress, she is smiling. His mother still lives back home in Plumtree,
says Honest. But he hasn’t spoken to her in months – what should he
tell her? He has no family in South Africa.

His gaze shi s over the sea. ‘I’m still trying,’ he says. ‘I’m still
trying to nd work. As long as I’m alive, I will try.’

kulula.com DECEMBER 2019 217







OUT WITH THE OLD DISCOVER

The festive season means
different things to different
people, but for most of us it’s
a good reason for one helluva
party (or parties). It’s just that
we do it in different ways.
Gaynor Lawson discovers
some alternative ways to see

in the new year

Celebrate?

kulula.com DECEMBER 2019 221

T he sea has been a key kulula.com
element of renewal and
cleansing rituals since
we were newly out of the
cave, and as much as we’ve evolved,
some things don’t change. Perhaps it’s
because the beach is where all four
elements combine: soft sand beneath
our feet (earth), ocean breezes (air),
rushing waves (water), and the flaming
hot sun (fire). Perhaps it’s the sense
of the unstoppable power of the tidal
force. Whatever the reason, the edge
of the ocean is where believers from
numerous religions across the world
go to wash themselves clean of evil
spirits and sin; to experience a ‘rebirth’
along with the beginning of a new year.
According to inyanga and sangoma
Elliot Ndlovu, immersion in water is
at the behest of the ancestors, and
may be for cleansing, a blessing and
for prayer. They may also call for a
sacrifice, often a chicken or goat.

222 DECEMBER 2019

OUT WITH THE OLD DISCOVER

Other watery rituals include the and local beliefs, which holds that the the colour of
Russian lunacy of diving headfirst number seven is sacred and linked to your underwear
into a frozen lake, clutching on to a Lemanja, the goddess of water. determines how the
small Christmas tree. Really! Extreme coming year will treat
divers have for the past 25 years or so Dress for success you. It goes without saying
celebrated the festive season by plunging that wearing black undies will bring
into sub-zero waters to dance around in Among many Latino people, walking in a bad luck, while red supposedly leads
silly party hats at the bottom of Baikal circle with a suitcase (you can go around to being lucky in love, orange results in
Lake in Siberia. Let’s presume that they the block or just around your house) professional success, and green brings
cut a hole in the ice first. will lead to a life of travel in the coming good health. Yellow in Venezuela means
year. In Ecuador, men might dress up in good luck, and – if you can find something
Splashing around is far gentler (and a women’s clothing and parade around on sufficiently bling to wear against your
whole lot warmer) in Burma, where the New Year’s Eve, playing the part of the nethers – gold underwear
previous year’s ‘widows’. Symbolically apparently leads to wealth.
traditional Thingyan festival in April dressing for success is a preoccupation
inspires people to throw water at in many parts of the world of course. In
each other to usher in the Buddhist Brazil, all-white gatherings are de rigueur
new year with a soul washed clean – wearing white while getting in the sea
of sin. In Puerto Rico, children have and jumping over seven waves or placing
fun throwing buckets of water out flowers into the water is one way of
of the window at midnight on New summoning good fortune.
Year’s Eve hoping that any evil
spirits hanging around are thrown In Spain, it’s the done thing to wear red
out too. underwear on New Year’s Eve. Keeping
Heading to Rio for the festive in mind that it’s winter in Europe at this
time of year, in the town of La Font de la
season? Try improving your luck for the Figuera, near Valencia, they have
year to come by jumping over seven a footrace in which runners wear
waves, making a wish with each jump as only red underwear. In much of
the clock reaches midnight. This tradition South America, long-held
has its roots in the Afro-Brazilian religion beliefs maintain that
of Umbanda, a mix of Catholic, African

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DISCOVER OUT WITH THE OLD

Food fortunes the future. In Ireland, women bang
loaves of bread against the walls
Good fortune is also strongly bound up of the house to drive out evil spirits and
in an assortment of foods and traditions ensure that there is bread on the table
involving eating. While certain foods are for the year to come. In Armenia, women
simply considered lucky, many cultures make up a batch of special dough said to
symbolically associate round or ring- be mixed with good luck and happiness.
shaped foodstuffs with completeness,
perfection and fertility. So the Dutch The Spanish bring in the New Year by
scoff doughnuts on New Year’s Day. And eating 12 grapes at midnight. At each
in France, the superstitious flip a batch strike of the clock, another grape is placed
of pancakes or crepes for luck and in the mouth to celebrate past good luck,
good health. and to attract a bit more of it for the year
to come. Similar grape face-stuffing
In many cultures, bread symbolises traditions are found in Mexico
good fortune and abundance, and may be and Venezuela.
associated with having enough to eat in

Christimas Crazy

Bizarre Yuletide fables abound. And the German tradition of hiding a pickle in the Christmas tree is only the start.

In Iceland, they believe in a monstrous with its toe end pointing towards the door, and clean thoroughly for a week before Pictures: freepik.com
Christmas cat that roams the cold she’ll get a man and be married during the Christmas and then burn all the dirt along
countryside and threatens to eat anyone coming year. with an e gy of the devil – it’s called
who hasn’t received the requisite gi of La Quema del Diablo, the ‘Burning of
warm clothing to protect them from the In Caracas, Venezuela, it’s a (fairly the Devil’.
winter chill. e Yule Cat is used to scare modern) tradition to attend early morning
children into working hard – they’re told mass on roller-skates – the city’s roads are Finally, perhaps you’re wondering why
that slacking o will end in becoming closed until 8am so that everyone can get there are 12 days of Christmas… is is
kitty food. to church safely. supposedly the length of time that it took
the ree Wise Men to nd the newborn
Austria has a devilish counterpoint to Guatemalans believe that evil spirits Jesus. eir arrival on the 12th day was
kindly Saint Nick – he’s called Krampus and even the devil may dwell in the dirty celebrated with the Feast of Epiphany in
and is a devilish character known to pockets of the home – to prevent the medieval France and then spread to other
abduct naughty children and drag them accompanying build-up of evil, they sweep countries. Most Spanish people receive
o to hell. their gi s not from Santa and not even
on Christmas Day, but from the
Less gruesome but equally steeped in
horror, Norwegians believe witches and ree Wise Men, who supposedly
evil spirits turn up on Christmas Eve – so come bearing gi s on 6 January,
they hide all their brooms before bedtime. at night, just as they did for
baby Jesus. Which is why it is
In Portugal, for the traditional consoda customary to leave freshly-
Christmas feast, extra places are set at the cut grass and a bowl of water
table for dead relatives. outside for their camels, rather
than a beer (or cookies and
Single Czech women seeking husbands a glass of milk) for Santa and
stand with their back to the door on carrots for his reindeer.
Christmas Eve and toss a shoe over the
shoulder. Apparently if the shoe lands

224 DECEMBER 2019 kulula.com









THINGS WORTH HAVING DISCOVER

MINGLE / BROWSE / BUY

CONNECT & COLLECT

AFLALV-OSUERAISTOEN

Life-changing luggage

Creators of some of the most distinctive-looking,
durable and functional luggage in the world,
Thule was established in the early-1940s in the
southern Swedish town of Hillerstorp. Founder
Erik Thulin was a serious outdoorsman who
designed a pike fishing trap which he branded
and sold to Scandinavian fishermen. By the
1960s, the family business was specialising in
ski roof racks and other car accessories designed
to make the transport of personal outdoor gear
and luggage easier. Although the Thulin family
sold the business in 1979, Thule continues to
innovate. Released earlier this year, the Thule
Crossover 2 range is the brand’s third luggage
line and includes 11 different bags, including
five carry-on sizes, from a 25-litre underseat-
sized cabin bag to a 44-litre duffel. Checked
luggage options include a wheeled duffel and
huge 110-litre spinner suitcase. There is also a
document pouch and what is probably the most
awesome toiletry bag ever constructed. The
suitcases include a crush-resistant SafeZone
and a tough, moulded ballistic base, wear-
resistant material, reinforcing bumpers, wear
rails and oversized zippers. You won’t want
to travel with any other luggage ever again.
thulestore.co.za

kulula.com DECEMBER 2019 229

Wearables Shongweni, 7–28 December
Shongweni Farmers & Craft Market
A walk in the clouds Artisanal food and drink, fresh organic
produce, homemade deli edibles, unique
Probably the lightest fully cushioned running shoe in the world, On Cloud handmade crafts and live music are all
features a patented CloudTec® sole that serves to ensure your ride is part of this popular countryside market’s
super-smooth no matter what the terrain you’re on. On’s designers have Christmas Extravaganza. It’s a hugely
tapped into the latest material innovations and have engineered the shoes sociable spot to pick up homemade
to ensure a snug fit without impacting freedom of movement. They also decorations and decor and gifts.
include an easy-entry speed-lace system so you can slip your feet into There are more than 200 stalls with
them without needing to tie the laces – but they nevertheless stay securely everything from jewellery and shoes,
on your feet while you’re running. As if that’s not enough, the shoes feature to clothes, toys and food to take away.
dual-density sockliners so when you step into them they feel like home. Entry is free and markets happen every
They’re among the most comfy, cosy runners you’ll ever own. From R2 499 Saturday in December, plus Sunday the
per pair. on-running.com 15th and 22nd, and Monday the 16th.
shongwenimarket.co.za
Simple abundance
kulula.com
Paired with the Bossa Nova earrings, the
Araci necklace is part of the new SS20
range from ethical jewellery, accessories
and womenswear brand, Pichulik, which
is based in Cape Town and greatly
inspired by the heritage, traditions and
culture of the continent. The range’s
name is Plenty, crafted around the
idea of abundance without excess
which has always been part of the
Pichulik ethos – the brand was built by
Katherine-Mary Pichulik who has made
an international impact with her simple,
highly imaginative rope jewellery. The
new range also marks a collaboration
with Skinny laMinx, another Cape Town
brand. pichulik.com

230 DECEMBER 2019

THINGS WORTH HAVING DISCOVER

Bot River, 13–15 December Wxxexaxrxaxbxlexs
Gabriëlskloof Favourite Things Market 
Ceramics, leather goods and silk. Plants, Hit the road
honey and ready-to-eat artisanal baked
goods. This is a crafter’s market that attracts Maryland-based footwear, sportswear and apparel brand Under Armour has
a cool, laid-back crowd and a bit of a party only been in South Africa for a couple of years, but is a world leader known for its
atmosphere. To attend Friday night’s opening, innovative fabrics and eye-catching designs. In recent months, they’ve been ramping up
you need to reserve a table at R100 per their locally available running gear, especially with their hi-tech HOVR shoes that come
person – there’ll be live music involving with seamless Bluetooth connectivity to a tracking app on your phone. They’ve also
an accordion, bass cello and a violin. Also signed up a small contingent of
on offer will be fresh oysters and loads fleet-footed marathoners who’ll
of Gabriëlskloof Madame Lucy MCC – be serve as local ambassadors for
sure to decide on the designated driver in the brand’s Run division. Pictured
advance. Dogs are welcome, as are children, is sprightly Luthando Hejana
and entrance on Saturday and Sunday is free. from Mdantsane in East London.
gabrielskloof.co.za He’s a top 20 Two Oceans
runner with a 2 hour, 19 minute
marathon time. Aside from
kitting him out, important for UA
is the opportunity to help Hejana
grow the youth development and
athlete programme that he runs
for underprivileged children in his
hometown. underarmour.com

Franschhoek, every Friday Carry on travelling
Boschendal Friday Night Market
Not just shopping and eating, but with The name’s a giveaway, so it’s probably no surprise that Frasers
mountain bike trails, farm tours and a luggage stores have their roots in Scotland. That’s where Thomas
look at the estate’s historic architecture, Fraser set off from before setting up his first Cape Town store in 1881. As the country’s
visitors to Boschendal have much to do. foremost retailers of fine leather luggage, Frasers has since expanded across the entire
There are restaurants and picnics, and an country and also has a store in Namibia – plus they sell online. Apart from quality
innovative children’s edu-centre (see page leather goods, handbags and travel accessories, they carry ranges by such international
193 for more details), and of course the brands as Kipling, Delsey Verage and Casablanca, as well as top local brands Travelite,
cellar for wine tastings and ancient oak Busby Leather, Samsonite, Cellini, Polo and Guess. frasersluggage.co.za
trees for relaxing in the shade. The farm’s
an innovator in ethical agriculture, too –
they practice regenerative farming and the
animals wander about freely. The Friday
market runs from 6 till 9pm, but the estate
– the largest of its kind – is open during the
day, every day. boschendal.co.za

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THINGS WORTH HAVING DISCOVER

Rxxexaxdxaxbxlexs

Rocket man Page turner Shark matters Lies and
consequences
Hot on the heels of the One of those books you can’t Orca: The Day the Great
extraordinary film about his put down, The Starless Sea White Sharks Disappeared As the editor of the UK’s leading
life, Elton John has penned investigates real life events in independent fact-checker,
his first autobiography, simply (by Erin Morgenstern, the the little town of Gansbaai in
titled Me. Co-written with music author ofThe Night Circus) the Overberg where a thriving Tom Phillips deals with lots of
critic Alexis Petridis, it is an follows a student in Vermont screwball BS every day. So, he
unflinchingly honest account of who gets hooked by a strange shark cage diving tourism decided to write a book about the
the entertainer-philanthropist’s book that – weirdly – includes a industry was struck by the many varieties of lies, made-up
furious ride through a life that’s story from his own childhood. sudden disappearance of the nonsense and half-truths that
been fuelled by emotional In trying to figure out how his great white sharks that tourists pervade our lives. In Truth – A
turmoil, drugs and depravity, life came to be part of a library traditionally came there to see. Brief History of Total Bullsh*t
and finally a loving relationship book’s intrigue, he begins a As the title suggests, the sharks he reveals how life in a post-
curious investigation that were the victims of attacks truth world is nothing new. It’s
and fatherhood that have takes him into a subterranean by killer whales – orcas – not not only Trump and the internet
soothed his soul and tempered library hidden far below the previously commonly seen in that have a tenuous relationship
his spirit. Get the inside account surface of the earth. In this these waters. ‘The attacks by with fact, but all through the
of how Reginald Dwight went enchanted realm, he finds lost orcas on great white sharks, ages there’ve been lies – and
cities and seas, lovers who pass and their disappearance and liars – big and small. Few books
from shy boy to one of the notes across time, and tales reappearance in Western feel more relevant right now,
most recognisable humans on whispered by the dead. And a Cape waters during the last and it’s packed with hilarious
the planet – not only racking magical adventure unfolds. few years has caused much examples of how people take
speculation [and] sensational
up countless hits, but also   newspaper headlines,’ says other people for a ride.
establishing his AIDS Foundation shark conservationist and
that has raised over $450 million author Richard Peirce. ‘My book
tells the story of the sharks, the
for HIV-related programmes. killer whales, and the people.’

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DISCOVER THINGS WORTH HAVING

Drinkables Christmas spirits

Cape Town’s first licensed gin distillery – formerly known as Hope on Hopkins – has changed

its name to Hope Distillery. Now not only distilling their own gins, vodka and agave, Hope

today also distils other gin labels including Musgrave, Bloedlemoen and Clemengold. Plus,

they will soon be introducing their own rum. Their new-look bottles are available online and

through selected retailers. hopedistillery.co.za

Cork-popping Gin with a twist
crowd-pleaser
The makers of award-winning local gin
Bubbly season is upon us. And Bloedlemoen have introduced Bloedlemoen
while most of us have at some Amber. Crafted at Cape Town’s Hope Distillery,
point been guilty of popping the it’s made using the same ten botanicals as their
cork on a bottle or two of cheap- Classic gin – grains of paradise, coriander, cassia
and-nasty sweet ‘champers’, it bark, nutmeg, liquorice root, cardamom, juniper,
really doesn’t have to be that angelica root, Tarocco blood orange and orange
way. Ramp up your celebration peel – but has the addition of locally forged
this year with a white and a red fynbos and honeybush, for a little something
MCC from Anthonij Rupert extra. bloedlemoengin.com 
Wyne. The estate’s double gold-
winning L’Ormarins Blanc de Pop goes the pink!
Blancs 2013 is made from 100%
Chardonnay grapes sourced in Another happy-making bubbly in a shade of pink is this new
the Elandskloof region, while the Durbanville Hills Sparkling Rosé. Winemaker Ricardo Cloete
gold-winning L’Ormarins Brut has created a 50-50 Shiraz and Cabernet Sauvignon blend with
Rosé NV is a Pinot Noir dominant strawberry and citrus, Turkish delight and rose petal aromas.
blend that’s beautifully drinkable And, on the palate, ripe berries, grapefruit and candy floss. Cloete
and available from the estate’s says it goes well with oysters, smoked salmon, sushi or even
tasting room for a crowd-pleasing sticky barbeque ribs. And, of course, it’s good for sunsets, holiday
R130 per bottle. rupertwines.com brunches and that all-important midnight moment at the start of
the new year. And it’s just R90 a bottle. durbanvillehills.co.za

234 DECEMBER 2019 kulula.com





THINGS WORTH HAVING DISCOVER

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Size matters Electric buzz

The newly face-lifted Ford Everest is a sight to behold. It’s Volvo Cars has released its first fully-electric vehicle, the XC40
huge – towering above other cars and sporting a more refined Recharge. Based on the top-selling small SUV, also called the
aesthetic than ever before. It’s not just the refreshed chrome-look XC40, the Recharge model is also the first Volvo with a brand-
three-bar grille and revised lower bumper with a horizontal- new infotainment system powered by Google’s Android operating
beam insert, though. Aiming to capture fans in the upmarket system. Volvo will, for the next five years, launch a fully electric
SUV market, the new seven-seater not only looks the part but car every year – by 2025 all-electric cars should represent half
comes with improved suspension and the new, advanced 2.0-litre its global sales. The rest will be hybrids. As part of a plan to
Bi-Turbo and Single Turbo engines that recently debuted on the encourage potential buyers to go electric, every Volvo Recharge
new Ford Ranger. And while it’s a practical car if you need to load plug-in model will come with free electricity for a year, provided
an entire school soccer team (or have to work your way across a through a refund. Volvo’s ambition is to be a climate-neutral
vast farm or head off-road), it also comes with Ford’s pioneering company by 2040. volvocars.com
SYNC® infotainment system – great connectivity (USB ports and
Bluetooth), multiple multimedia options and intuitive voice control. Wxxaxtcxhxaxbxlxes

Definitely worth a test drive. ford.co.za

Words: Keith Bain, Pictures: Supplied Big screen fix

When our cover star Kagiso Lediga’s new Netflix series, Queen
Sono, drops early next year, you’ll want to watch it on a screen
big enough and sharp enough to showcase all its rich colours and
full-on action. You can do so – affordably – with a new DIXON
Ultra HD Smart TV from Cash Crusaders. Its 4K pixel screen
produces a crisp, clear image with enhanced natural colours and
vivid contrasts. It has HDMI and USB ports at the ready, so you
can connect your gaming console or media player with minimal
effort, and it utilises an Android OS to connect directly to the
web, making streaming super-simple. Perfect for watching Pearl
Thusi making her Netflix big splash. cashcrusaders.co.za.

kulula.com DECEMBER 2019 237







PRECIOUS MOMENTS DISCOVER

Time travel isn’t just for time lords like
Doctor Who. Clifford Roberts reflects on

ways mere mortals can also eject from
the rush of modern life

<

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PRECIOUS MOMENTS DISCOVER

magine for a second unwrapping culture, and ever-shrinking me-time, some consider the ultimate luxury. A trip to
a mysterious present and finding a how can we actually go about giving a spa, for example. To my mind, an ideal gift
clock. This isn’t just any timepiece that most valuable of all commodities, for someone who needs time out without
but one that takes you back (or ahead) in precious time? the guilt that might usually accompany such
time as you move the hands. self-indulgence. Because I’ve gifted them
What gift could be more sacred than Over the past few years, I have attempted the indulgence. And I’ve given them time.
a few extra hours, minutes and seconds? various answers to this conundrum.
It seems a question we are increasingly Attempts at giving – instead of some Okay, so I’m a bit of a dreamer, but there’s
concerned with: in a modern world of material object a gift that cannot be a serious side to such musings. The ability to
constant distraction, always-on work measured in rands and cents, but is more ‘create’ time is the skill upon which rests our
akin to giving the gift of time itself. The thing ultimate survival – the ability to grasp the
ever-deepening complexities of life, argues
Cal Newport in his book Deep Work – Rules
for Focused Success in a Distracted World.
He points to the examples of shining lights
like Carl Jung and Einstein, whose standard
daily practice would be long walks where
they could disconnect from distraction
and allow their minds to grapple with the
big ideas.

Newport issues a warning of sorts in
quoting late Stanford communications
professor Clifford Nass, known for his
study of behaviour in the digital age: ‘…we
have scales that allow us to divide up people
into those who multitask all the time and
those who rarely do, and the differences
are remarkable. People who multitask all
the time can’t filter out irrelevancy. They
can’t manage a working memory. They’re
chronically distracted.’

Connectivity has brought about a side-
effect, says JM Olejarz in the Harvard
Business Review feature ‘In Praise of Being
Unproductive’. There is the expectation
that we will be available all the time, that
is, ‘if you could be working, a certain line of
thinking goes, then you should be working.’

Poignantly, Olejarz adds: ‘Being able to
use technology as much as we want doesn’t
guarantee that we’re using our time well.’

Instead of improving the management
and perception of our available time, we
yearn for more. That the theory of relativity
means astronauts age a little slower than
they would on earth’s surface seems

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DISCOVER PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, immaterial – our demands require days,
it is self-preservation, and that is an weeks and years, and we need it now. But
act of political warfare even the science says that while faster
forward travel may be possible at some
point, going back isn’t.

Taking time

How did we get here? It’s this underlying
notion about productivity that drives our
behaviour and American visual artist Jenny
Odell tackles it in her book How to Do
Nothing – Resisting the Attention Economy.
‘There are enough books about putting your
phone down,’ she says. ‘I’m questioning our
notions about… how to feel OK long enough
to figure out what can be done.’

Time has become commodified, she
argues. Taking time, in modern eyes,
can be a wilfully obstructive act. To this,
Odell quotes feminist writer Audre Lorde:
‘Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it
is self-preservation, and that is an act of
political warfare.’

The importance of making space in time
for self-care is abundant even in examples
closer to home. One useful story begins
with the enviable success of Cape Town-
born Hilda Lunderstedt’s pharmaceutical
supplements start-up, which sold after just
nine years for a nine-figure sum. Suddenly
her life was in the spotlight. She found
herself in demand as a public speaker on top
of her business responsibilities and family
commitments. Time had always been in
short supply, but she soon discovered that it
could become even more scarce.

I asked her how to create more time in
a day. ‘By eliminating the time-wasters –
anything not moving you closer to your goal
or desired outcome,’ she responded. ‘Take
the time to think through critical issues. We
often don’t have a few minutes for exercise,
but easily dedicate two hours for TV.’

Lunderstedt says meetings often detract
from getting stuff done. When they’re
unavoidable, telephonic or online

244 DECEMBER 2019 kulula.com





PRECIOUS MOMENTS DISCOVER

Pictures: MHJ/istock.com, Grandfailure/istock.com, Ann_Mei/istock.com, Igor_Aleks/istock.com encounters are better because they can done and get things done faster if you do. slow things down a little. But once upon
cut out travel time and inane chit-chat. Sufficient sleep and eating healthily helps a time, this machine was new and the
She groups activities to save the energy of the body and brain.’ very thing that altered both space and
switching between, for example, creative time. Industrialisation was on the march
projects and grunt-work like general Time's relative and, when the steam train arrived, we
office admin. exchanged wagons for its speed.
It struck me in the process of researching
‘The time-out part of achieving life balance all this that there’s an alternative Back in modern-day Paarl, a
has to be planned for,’ she says, adding that significance to the concept of ‘time travel’. restaurateur considers importing
this shouldn’t apply to a 24-hour period, but During a weekend getaway in Slanghoek, Vietnamese Phin coffee-makers. The
rather weeks and months. Again, creating I signed up for a pasta-making course and modular system incorporates a series of
blocks of time dedicated to particular rediscovered how elastic our perception filters through which hot water slowly
activities is what matters, rather than a of time is. The act of removing distraction moves, eventually extracting the precious
mix of whatever comes your way. with the added lure of something I’d been liquid we wait to consume (ironically,
excited about suddenly made time seem so that we can function faster). It’s an
For Lunderstedt, getting up before irrelevant. Without focus and the ability to eight-minute process, so I’m sceptical. But
everyone to have some quiet time, like dispense with the rush, you’re never going transport me to a bustling Vietnamese city
enjoying a cup of coffee, meditating and to get that dough to the right consistency street, and I can totally get into it.
planning the day’s outcome helps her or thinness.
focus throughout. ‘When I find myself There – in a wink like Doctor Who –
getting distracted during an activity, I stop The ground we venture on here, I can be tucked in between a jumble of
and breath, regroup, reprioritise and get on however, is constantly in motion. Take the tables, amid the locals at a local sidewalk
with it. Or I go for a walk. modern perception of a train ride as an café. This is the cool hour before the day’s
example: it may be delightful for many of heavy blanket of heat descends and I know
‘We think taking time out is a waste of us. There’s the thought of being able to that in that moment, time just evaporates.
time, but most often, you can get more

kulula.com DECEMBER 2019 247