Khuluma October 2017

IT’S A MAD, CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL WORLD TRAVEL

BEACH BUMS COAST WITH THE MOST

Why are there cows on the beaches I've been to a lot of beautiful places
along the Wild Coast? I think maybe all over the world and I think Port
because those cows just don’t care. St Johns on the Wild Coast is one
They have no worries. The Wild Coast of the most breathtaking. There
cows have cousins in Nepal who don’t are waterfalls and hikes, and the
have beaches but roam anywhere seawater is warm. There’s a weird
they please. They’re everywhere. geological phenomenon that’s fun to
Why? Because nobody eats cows in watch – it’s a hole in the rocks from
Nepal. Those cows are free to do as which water spews up into the air.
they please and so they just don’t There’s a mountain there – it’s where
care. I think animals like to let us Leonardo DiCaprio dies in the movie
think that we own them, but I think Blood Diamond – and from up there
they know they own us. Like with I witnessed the most beautiful sunset
those cows – it’s an open relationship, I’ve ever seen. There were purples,
but I think they’re ultimately wielding and oranges and blues. It was like a
the power. scene from The Lion King – all that
was missing was Elton John and
an orchestra and a choir. Not far
from Port St Johns, there’s Coffee
Bay, also ridiculously beautiful with
incredibly hospitable people – you
really feel like you're in Africa.

CRAZILY BEAUTIFUL

The natural beauty of Southeast Asia is unbelievable.
And some of the craziest things I’ve seen were in the
Philippines. Indescribable waterfalls, towering islands
bursting out of the water, lush jungle…and you can
freedive with turtles and whale sharks. It’s heaven.

Pictures: xxxxxxx

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 49

TRAVEL IT’S A MAD, CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL WORLD

To really THE HIGH LIFE Interview: Keith Bain, Pictures: Sven Kristian, Neja Hrovat/shutterstock.com, Wandel Guides/shutterstock.com,
understand the Kasia Soszka/shutterstock.com, Brent Barnes/Shutterstock.com, Nong2/shutterstock.com,
scale of the It’s difficult to really explain just how crazily mountainous Nepal Natalie11345/shutterstock.com, Riderfoot/shutterstock.com, Diana Zuleta/shutterstock.com,
Himalayas, you is. It has six of the world’s tallest mountains. But to really try and Ursula Perreten/shutterstock.com, Mihai-Bogdan Lazar/shutterstock.com, HUANG Zheng/shutterstock.com,
need to get in a understand it, I took a light aircraft trip and flew around Everest. Saiko3p/shutterstock.com, Supplied
plane and fly You just don’t – cannot – begin to understand its enormity. From
around Everest.
my home in Cape Town, I can see Table Mountain just beyond
my window, and it looks pretty huge. But you go to Everest
and you witness hugeness on a whole different scale. It is
incomprehensible – a moment I will never forget, when you
suddenly see this gigantic mountain sticking its head out of

the clouds.

FEAR FACTORS volcanoes – that was pretty free of THE SWINGER
scares, but then we landed for a bit so
I know it sounds clichéd but the thing that I could put on skydiving gear. We In Riga, I went in a fighter jet and we
I fear most is the thought of being too went back up so that I could jump out reached 850km/h. I’m told that normal
scared to doing something. For a recent of the helicopter. Which, I won’t lie, was humans pass out at 4.5Gs, but I got to
TV series, I went to 23 countries, and pretty scary. Jumping out of a helicopter 6.2 without passing out. But the craziest
I did anything and everything I was is not the same as jumping out of a thing for me was in Estonia. They have
asked to do. When the camera is on, plane – you have those blades spinning invented a sport called kiiking which is a
above your head, so it’s pretty terrifying. really bizarre activity. It’s basically
I don’t know how to say ‘no’. Of all the I survived the jump, and the next day a giant swing – a bit like
places I went, I’d reckon Reunion is went kloofing – jumping off waterfalls a playground swing,
the adrenaline chasers’ dream – except that it
I had two days of insanity there. into rock pools. Probably one of goes all the way
It started with scuba diving in the scariest moments on my life around and
the most shark-infested water was having to leap clear of a you stand on
on earth. Then I went up ledge in order to make it as you spin
a jump. through 360
in a helicopter and degrees. It is the
we flew over the scariest thing
entire island, to I’ve ever done in
see waterfalls and my whole life.

50 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com





IT’S A MAD, CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL WORLD TRAVEL

SIV’S GUIDE TO CUBA VIVA, LA REVOLUCIÓN!

Learn to salsa. One of the best By a very long stretch, Cuba is my
things I did in Cuba was to take a favourite country in the world to
two-hour private salsa lesson with visit. It’s a time warp like I have never
professional dancers. We danced and experienced before in my life – like it
danced and then after the lesson, was 1959 just yesterday. The buildings
we went out into the street – some are crumbling, the cars are all vintage
random spot – and we danced in the rattletraps, and everyone’s dressed
street accompanied by music and
drums. It was unfathomable how like they’re in a period movie. Cuba
great that was. Then I was able to go is a flipping dream. There is
clubbing all around Havana – on my nowhere else like it.
own – and salsa with strangers.
Pictures: xxxxxxx Take boxing lessons. Cuba has
produced the world-record number
of Olympic medal boxers. Because OCTOBER 2017 53
of communism, Cuban athletes can’t
turn professional, so everyone is an
amateur. I went to the Rafael Trejo,
the gym where all the big medal
winners have trained. It’s grimy and
sweat-stained and marvellous. And
it’s a real community where they
share everything, even gum guards.
And I got a one hour lesson there and
it was a dream.
Go to the Tropicana. It’s a world-
famous restaurant and very touristy,
but it’s one of those must-do tourist
places. Everyone gets Cuban rum
and a cigar. It’s filled with beautiful
people who move like elastic bands,
and it’s literally a gigantic party. I got
called up on stage, where I was able
to show off my new salsa moves.
Learn to roll your own.
About two and a half hours
out of Havana, we visited
a cigar-making farm. They take
you on a tour of the entire operation,
and finally show you how to roll and
smoke your own cigar.

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TRAVEL IT’S A MAD, CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL WORLD

DISHY DELIGHTS URBAN BLISS

Many of the strangest meals I’ve ever Brussels stole my heart. The centre of the city has the most beautiful
had were in Vietnam. That’s where I ate buildings I've ever seen in my life – it’s the most magnificent central
fertilised duck eggs, live worms that live in square I’ve ever seen. There are these gold-painted designs and
images and at night when it’s lit up, every angle you regard it from is
coconut trees, bat, centipede and a beautiful picture. I cycled there at night and just watched the people
the still-beating heart of a cobra. walking around with their waffles and their frites with mustard. It is a
In Nepal, a local family had me magical place.
over for lunch. There is no
eating of cows, obviously,
so instead of beef, we had
water buffalo. I’m talking
about water buffalo
testicles, water buffalo
intestines, water buffalo
liver, water buffalo kidneys,
water buffalo brain. You
name a part of a water
buffalo and I’ve probably
eaten it.

UP WHERE I BELONG kulula.com

La Paz, the capital of Bolivia, is at almost 4 000m above sea level – it’s the world’s highest
capital city. It’s ridiculously high. So high that it’s difficult to build roads, so they have a lot of
cable cars. Everything you do there is an effort – each step is literally breathtaking, because the
tiniest exertion has you struggling with your breath. It also has quite an ancient history and some
peculiar cultural customs. They have the craziest beliefs. They believe, for example, that llama
foetuses bring good luck. So there are dried llama foetuses everywhere.

54 OCTOBER 2017



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56 OCTOBER 2017

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD TRAVEL

Pictures: Supplied EAT STREET
Keith Bain on where to munch and quaff on Cape Town's
beautiful Bree Street.

THE TEMPLES OF INNOVATION

No. 17 Bree Street: La Tête
Yes, this is the place where they use the entire animal –
heads, tails, hearts and probably a few parts you didn’t know
about. And there are just enough inspired interpretations of
vegetables to keep herbivores happy, too. Tuesday-Friday

noon-3pm, Tuesday-Saturday 6-11pm.

No. 92: Chefs Warehouse & Canteen
Well, you can’t book a table and there’s no guessing what’ll
be on the menu. You do know there’ll be a lot of food, served
on platters that are meant to shared – and it will be superb.
If you don’t score a table upon arrival, you can wait in the
unironically-titled ‘No Reservations’ bar downstairs. Monday-

Friday noon-2:30pm and 4:30-8pm,
Saturday noon-2:30pm.

No. 127: Mink & Trout
Even if you get a shock when your deconstructed risotto
arrives, the flavours that follow will make up for it – plus they

have the most beautiful crockery you’re ever likely
to eat from. Monday-Saturday noon-3:30pm and 6:30-

11pm, Wine Bar: Monday-Saturday noon-11pm.

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 57

TRAVEL FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD

THE BARD ON BREE FOR THE SWEETEST MEMORIES

‘Bree Street is the fail-safe Among Instagrammers, no Saturday in Cape Town is complete without stopping in at
destination if you’re looking Jason Bakery (no. 185) for a pastry and flat white (with a side-order of hipster beard and
for a bite to eat or a drink,’ says perhaps a pug on a leash). The tattooed baker and his kitchen minions produce loads of
Dylan Edy, who plays William fiendishly sweet baked items and fresh-from-the-oven breads, too, of course. I will never
Shakespeare in Shakespeare in forget the first time I bit into one of Jason’s macaroni and cheese pies. What sounds like a
Love, opening at e Fugard this carb nightmare is in fact a magical union of flavours – just like Jason’s other creations, such
month (read about that on page as that bastard offspring from the illicit romance between a doughnut and a croissant.

37). ‘Walk a few hundred feet A YOGI’S GUIDE TO BREE
in any direction and you’ll
arrive somewhere ‘My yogic sense tells me that very beautiful souls of all varieties
interesting or new. take to Bree Street,’ says Maya Pratt, owner of Unraveled
I have a particular Yoga, which is right above La Parada, at 107 Bree Street.
fondness for ‘You’ll find American tourists, the “self-employed” typing
whisky, so I love away at their chosen coffee shops, and the “fun employed”
having late afternoon cocktails at alfresco spots. For a proper
Hanks Olde Irish sit-down meal, you can’t go wrong with the daily menu at
(no. 110), which Chef’s Warehouse. My daily breakfast and lunch pit-stop is
is an incredible Clarke’s – they do the best burger in town, hands down, and a
pub where spirits killer scrambled eggs on sourdough. For coffee, just off Bree
are taken seriously. on Shortmarket Street, House of Machines is where it’s at. For
ey do Scottish whiskies, karma-free food it would have to be Elixir. It’s a small juice,
high-grade Japanese whiskeys and smoothie and small bites shop next to Charango (a Peruvian-
single potstill Irish potions. It’s a bit inspired place at no. 114). Elixir does gluten-free vegetarian rotis
hidden away (to reach it you need to and great soups. It’s a tight, compact spot, encouraging people
walk through Love y Neighbour), to find a seat outside under the sun. For happy hour we usually
so it feels slightly underground stroll right downstairs to La Parada. They have an outdoor
and intimate, like a bit of a secret. patio vibe where you can grab some bubbly – or cauliflower
Another drinking spot on Bree is puree if you prefer.’Start your Bree Street yoga journey at
Mother’s Ruin (no. 219), which is unraveledyoga.com.
full of character and mixes incredible
cocktails showcasing Cape Town’s
various cra distilleries.’

58 OCTOBER 2017 FOR THE RUDEST HEALTH

Yes, at Raw & Roxy (no. 8), nothing is ‘cooked’ in the traditional sense of using heat to destroy
the nutrients. It’s also all plant-based, free of gluten and grains and sugar and dairy. Everything is
beautifully presented and packed with energy and avours that could change your life. Beatrice, the
owner, is passionate about using food to heal the body and she runs raw ‘cooking’ workshops so you
too can learn to make the chocolate avocado ice creams and utterly guilt-free pizzas she serves in her
big, friendly, open kitchen. Monday–Saturday 9am–5pm.

kulula.com





FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD TRAVEL

Pictures: Claire Gunn, Supplied FOUR SPOTS WITH FOR THE PUREST THREE
SCHIZOPHRENIC PRETENCE DRINKING DENS
TENDENCIES (WITH FOOD)
‘Mumble, mumble,’
At no. 133, Clarke’s Bar & Dining said the waiter at Villa e Crazy Horse (no.
Room is as much about seriously 47, the ‘47’ referring to 165) is a bit awkwardly
tasty food as it is about the flock of its address towards the designed and sets itself a tough
hipsters gathered on that wooden bottom end of Bree. We challenge by focusing on ‘English
deck that has now taken over the were at the street-level cuisine’ which includes beef Wellington, Yorkshire
pavement. But it’s more than just the Locanda, one of three pudding and ale pies with mash and gravy. But it’s the
one venue, see. Traipse through to venues in the three- beer, of course, that steals the limelight – and there’s
the back and you find yourself at Hail storey building that plenty of it on tap, including the house special, Horse Piss
Pizza, where there’s a daytime focus specialises in Italian Lager, and a rather delicious Punk Dog IPA.
on healthful and nourishing grub and a cuisine. ‘I beg your Tuesday-Sunday 11am-late.
definite leaning towards pizza at night. pardon?’ ‘Mumble,
Dapper Coffee Co. on the corner of mumble.’ I scanned the Arcade (no. 152) looks a bit like it was
Bree and Strand is confusing because chalk-board and settled carved out an abandoned subway station and
about two-thirds of the floor space on the risotto. ‘And the result is pure party animal-baiting genius.
is actually a showroom for vintage could I get a glass of
and sports cars. Which means that water, please?’ ‘Still or ey’ve got a menu listing cleverly-named
dining can be distracting – not only are sparkling?’ ‘Tap.’ ‘Water burgers and pizzas and salads, but the accent
there some racy models to ogle, but straight from the tap? is on creating a super-cool late-night bar vibe.
petrolheads often wander in with their Are you sure? It’s not Monday-Saturday 10am-11pm (bar’s open
jaws hanging open. very...’ ‘Yes, of course.’ till 2am on ursdays and Saturdays).
Cabrón Taco Bar (no. 120) would Twenty minutes later
probably love to be a real restaurant, I had nished my Recently spotted cocktails on the specials board at
but when you’re flogging tequilas perfectly good tap Orphange (no. 227) include a Mexican Love Child and
and Coronas and frozen margaritas, water and the risotto My American Granny – the latter comprising Jim Beam,
it’s pretty hard to stop yourself from arrived. Taste-wise, spiced apple puree, honey bush syrup, lemon and mint.
turning into a Mexican-themed it was on par with the For years, this Victorian-era themed cocktail emporium
shebeen. Olé! water. But so much has been striking accord with its marvellously inventive
Youngblood (no. 70-72) is a gallery more expensive. boozy elixirs, and the fun shows no sign of letting up.
and a hub for all kinds of artistic Daily 4pm-late.
endeavour, and there are regular
concerts and other performances,
often unexpected and wonderful.
There is also a slightly experimental
café-style restaurant called foodLAB
that’s open for breakfast and lunch
(and during shows).

Pictures: Supplied

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 61

Bree street foodie awards

THE BROKEN PLATE THE OLD
GREEK FOOD AWARD MACDONALD’S
BURGER AWARD
At Love Thy Neighbour (no. 110), Cypriot
chef Nick Charalambous is all about authentic Calling yourself Inside &
Greek dishes made using seasonal produce and You’re Out (no. 103) is definitely
ingredients that are as-close-to-organic as is going to attract attention, probably a lot more than
feasible. He’s also made al fresco over-the-coals all the other relevant buzzwords paraded about here:
cooking the focus at this indoor-outdoor space locally sourced plates, organic fries, 100% grass-fed
that spills out of the bowels of St Stephens beef. They also boast about their sesame-covered
Church, once home to &Union, which first lured bread – although the last time I ate here the waitress
the hipsters to Bree, sealing told me they’d picked the rolls up from the Spar that
the street’s fate. There’s morning. Still…not bad, and even if the burgers are
lots of communal actually better at Clarke’s, this place gets the award
eating, with meze for most cryptic venue name. Monday 5pm-10pm,
platters designed to Tuesday-Saturday noon-10pm
be shared and Nick’s (kitchen closed 3:30-5pm).
souvlakis are just
beautiful. Tuesday-
Saturday 12:30-
11:30pm.

THE DON QUIXOTE TROPHY FOR SPANISH TAPAS

So the whole point at La Parada (no. 107) is obviously to order several different
‘small plates’ and then share with your friends so you get a nibble of the roasted
pork belly, a taste of the prawn croquetas, and a bit of the charred salad. Or you
can just order as many dishes as you want and eat everything. Daily 7am-2am.

62 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD TRAVEL

Pictures: Supplied THE SPAGHETTI SLEEP STREET
HELMET AWARD
FOR DISHIEST ITALIAN Tsogo Sun’s new block on Bree
consists of two di erent hotels
True Italic (no. 15) is owned sharing the same premises. StayEasy
by a genuine Italian named and SunSquare are done
Luca who has thrown out in varying degrees
his heart and soul of minimalist, in
into this joint. The assorted shades of
lively sauces and white and grey and
homemade pastas birch. ere are
go hand-in-hand various restaurants
with the unpretentious and a roo op bar 14
atmosphere. Tuesday- storeys up, with plenty of
Saturday 6-10pm. rooms in between.
tsogosun.com.
THE NEPTUNE PRIZE FOR
FISHIEST RESTAURANT Every room at the Cape
Heritage Hotel is
Flaunting its freshly-shucked oysters, SeaBreeze unique and has
Fish & Shell (no. 211-213) stands out amid touches of quirk and
the string of side-by-side restaurants vintage personality.
at the mountain end of Bree Street Staying here is the
thanks to its blue exterior. It’s the surest way to feel
deliciousness of the food, though, like you’ve time-
that makes this place pop, starting travelled (a wee bit at
with a perfectly battered hake and least) to Bree’s earliest days.
chips and culminating with a hake and capeheritage.co.za.
angelfish pie that’s creamy on the inside
Although not on Bree, the new
and wondrously flaky on the outside. Monday- Radisson Blu Hotel & Residence
Saturday noon-9:30pm. in the remodelled Triangle
Building on Riebeek Street,
kulula.com is just a few easy
steps from some
of the strip’s best
restaurants. It’s all
very businesslike,
smart and sterile,
but the swimming
pool deck and breakfast
terrace both o er unique
perspectives on the inner city’s high-
rise architecture. radissonblu.com/
en/hotel-capetown-residence.

OCTOBER 2017 63

TRAVEL EXQUISITE PAIN

extrem ePRETTY
The popularity of adventure sport is growing quickly and there are
few places where organised events take place in such exquisite
surroundings as southern Africa. Jim Freeman goes in search of
a beautiful adventure, the price of which is paid in lactic acid.

T here are moments in the But that’s what you get when you Desert Knights (desertknights-mtb.
life of an athlete that are take part in adventure sports. I’ve not com) takes place in the 6 045km2 /Ai/
less pleasant than others. yet covered the Berg and Bush nor Ais-Richtersveld Transfrontier Park.
Among these might be stepping on a Freedom Challenge cycling events It starts at Hobas at the Fish River
sandshark while fording a river on the but I have had the privilege of being in Canyon in Namibia and finishes at
Wild Coast, running up a bushveld path attendance at three arduous events Sendelingsdrift on the South African
and encountering elephant tracks so – two transnational – in some of the banks of the Orange River. Roland
fresh their edges are still crumbling, or loveliest parts of southern Africa: Vorwerk of Boundless Southern Africa,
pushing your bicycle through thick the Desert Knights mountain bike which stages the event, describes it as
sand in the Namib Desert in the middle challenge, and the Mapungubwe and ‘the classic joining-of-the-dots of the
of a freezing night.- Wildcoast ‘wildruns’. tourist highlights of the /Ai/Ais

64 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com

EXQUISITE PAIN TRAVEL

pictures: xxxxxxx

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 65

TRAVEL EXQUISITE PAIN

The rocky roads were undulating
and corrugated. Several kilometres
had to be negotiated through
thick sand.

-Richtersveld a surreal
Transfrontier Park’ and desert experience.
riders get ample opportunity Day three last September
to contemplate the immensity of was a particularly brutal day’s ride from
one of the world’s oldest and most the /Ai/Ais resort to a purpose-built fly
arid regions. camp in Gamkab Canyon, 60km away.
It started with a gruelling climb and, no
Desert Knights is a week-long sooner had the riders emerged onto the
event held twice a year in April and desert plain, when a stiff wind came up
September, with about 260km covered and scoured their legs viciously. It got
in the saddle and a further 30km in worse and worse, and the temperature
kayaks. Riders of all ages take part, plummeted as night fell. The rocky
sometimes in family teams. roads were undulating and corrugated.
Several kilometres had to be negotiated
Camp is struck each day and through thick sand.
recreated at the new finish point. ‘I’ve done a lot of 60km rides but
Riders carry with them only what that was one of the worst,’ grunted
they need for each stage. There are one cyclist when he arrived at Gamkab
refreshment stations en route, while a shortly before midnight.
medical team and bike-repair specialist There was an early start for the
are in attendance. kayak leg the next morning. Although
they were still exhausted and sore from
The five cycling stages generally the previous day’s exertions, the riders
start mid-afternoon and continue into were looking forward to what they
the night in order to avoid the worst thought would be a fun cruise down the
of the heat in the starkly beautiful Orange River.
southern Namib and Richtersveld. The
event is scheduled to coincide with the
full moon to aid with riding and provide

66 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com





EXQUISITE PAIN TRAVEL

Armed game rangers were there
to drive off any crocodiles.

They quickly realised they were encompassing three countries, it bushveld with baobab groves and mopani
using muscles not previously started with the runners wading across thickets crisscrossed by game trails.
exercised and facing a wholly different the Limpopo River to a table where Because the running is not competitive,
skills challenge. Zimbabwean immigration authorities there is considerable frolicking both on
waited to stamp their passports. The the trail and in camp.
Still, they were in the best of spirits new arrivals were nonplussed to discover
when they went ashore at De Hoop in armed game rangers were there to drive The highlight of each evening was
South Africa. It’s a wonderful campsite off any crocodiles that decided to make scaling the steep kopje behind the camp
and most of the participants spent the an appearance. for ‘happy hour’ at the gin bar constructed
afternoon gambolling in the fast- specifically for the event. There the
running waters. The tented base camp is situated runners would watch the sunset and
at Marimani and forms the hub of a then slither down when dinner was ready
I next encountered Vorwerk at three-day cloverleaf run in Zimbabwe, rather less elegantly than they ascended.
the inaugural Mapungubwe Wildrun, Botswana and South Africa … the three
which took place late last year and countries that make up the Greater Food was plentiful and hearty (as it
was organised by Cape Town-based Mapungubwe Transfrontier Conservation is with all Wildrunner events). In the
trail-running company, Area. It’s truly a three-day 92km morning there was Mazoe Orange Crush
Wildrunner safari-on-the-run, where armed rangers and Tanganda Tea, while in the evenings
(wildrunner.co.za). accompany the participants every step of the cash bar was well stocked with
Billed as ‘a primal the way. Zambezi Lager.
running experience’
Elephants were regularly encountered The Zimbabwean immigration officials
(and avoided) and twice the runners became great pals as they were on
crossed fresh lion spoor, including on the hand to welcome us all and stamp our
extremely steep and narrow ascent of passports each morning as we left the
Mapungubwe itself. The almost-mythical country and re-entered later.
sandstone hill was the home and citadel
The Wildcoast Wildrun is an event
of the Thulamela people, ancestors of entirely different complexion: it is a
of the Shona, and is a World timed solo run but the participants stay
Heritage Site. in festive seaside hotels and inns rather
For the rest, than roughing it in tents and sleeping
the route is pure bags. In the past, the 112km run between
Kei Mouth and Hole in

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 69

TRAVEL EXQUISITE PAIN

Apart from scrambling over seaside rocks and
ploughing through soft sand, runners have to

ford numerous rivers.

the Wall has comprised two events run when thick riverine forests have to Indian Ocean. The last day of the Photographs: Jim Freeman, shutterstock.com/Daxiao Productions
a week apart: the first being an actual be traversed, sweepers (experienced Wildrun starts and finishes at sea level
race and thesecond more of a ‘holiday runners bringing up the rear of the field but, overall, there is a vertical gain of
on the hoof’. This has since been to shepherd stragglers), spotters (people over a kilometre; up and down for 1 046
changed to a single run, restricted to in static vehicles in radio contact with metres or the equivalent of a 300-storey
80 participants, with no distinction the organisers) and even the media building. But, as the saying goes, there is
between race and journey. helicopter are kept busy. no pleasure without pain and, for those
who have paid for it with great doses of
The route is daunting and unmarked. Apart from scrambling over seaside lactic acid, the experience of going
Organiser Owen Middleton says rocks and ploughing through soft sand, where few people would dare to travel
there is just one rule: ‘Keep the sea runners have to ford numerous fast- more than makes up for the hours on the
to your right and you won’t go wrong.’ flowing rivers – sometimes wading, road, trail and masseur’s table.
All three legs start and finish on the sometimes swimming – and navigate
beach, so it’s sound advice. On the day verdant hills that plunge into the Where else will you experience the
humbing solitude of riding through a
desert where the sun sets at your one
shoulder and the moon rises
simultaneously at the other? How
few people will be so blessed as to be
jogging through the veld and suddenly
scare a herd of impala? Or stop on
a hillside to admire a pod of several

hundred dolphin only to have a curious
Transkei cow wander up and peer
over their shoulders?

70 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com



TRAVEL NAMBITI PRIVATE GAME RESERVE

DRINK ME

pretty
Tired of swilling quarts at his local
dive, Anthony Sharpe goes in search
of swoon-worthy drinking holes.

MOYO PIER BAR, DURBAN

If you’re struggling to think of a better place to sink a few cocktails than basically anywhere along Durban’s famous Golden Mile,
facing out over the glorious stretch of prime beachfront, then try sitting out above the water, where you can face the sea, the city – in
any of 360 possible degrees, in fact. Moyo Pier Bar is located at the end of a pier, with either of two levels offering a perfect setting
for chilling out in SA’s most chilled metropolis. Should all that scenery watching get you hungry, there’s an abundance of tasty treats
to snack on too. In front of uShaka Marine World, 031 332 0608, moyo.co.za.

72 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com

NAMBITI PRIVATEBEGAAUMTEIFRUELSBEARRVSE TRAVEL

LIGHTHOUSE BAR, SIR JAMES VAN DER MERWE, JOBURG
DURBAN
It’s largely used as a function venue, but if, on a Wednesday
Those in the know will know that The evening, you’re feeling the midweek blues, there are few
Oyster Box Hotel is one of the swankiest better places for an after-work tipple than Sir James
spots in KZN – or in Africa, in fact. van der Merwe. Situated in the warehouse-chic hood
Situated right on the edge of the beach, of Kramerville, Sir James’ mix of chequered floors,
the hotel is beautifully decorated to Moroccan wall décor, candelabras and rose-pink-lit bar
within an inch of its life and imbued will have you drooling even before you check out the
with celebrated service and five-star view over Sandton’s urban jungle. There’s also a pool
everything, including this sizzling bolthole table, which will score you extra points if you manage to
of a bar. Serving tapas and fancy cocktails, look good while pocketing a few balls.
including the signature Umhlanga Schling 6 Desmond Street, Sandton, 072 607 4235,
(ahem), the Lighthouse Bar is nattily done katyspalacebar.co.za.
up inside. But you really want to be on
the terrace, which overlooks an actual
lighthouse, with sweeping views up and
down a pretty ridiculously scenic bit of
coastline. And because it’s Umhlanga,
you can enjoy sundowners here on balmy
evenings pretty much 365 days a year.
2 Lighthouse Road, Umhlanga Rocks,
031 514 5000, oysterboxhotel.com.

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 73

TRAVEL BEAUTIFUL BARS

THE SILO ROOFTOP, SANI MOUNTAIN LODGE, LESOTHO
CAPE TOWN
It would be remiss not to include the highest pub in
Whisky is made with grain, so where Africa on this list, so pack your passport. The pub at the
better to savour a dram at sunset than on Sani Mountain Lodge proudly proclaims its lofty title on a carved
top of an erstwhile grain-storage facility? wooden sign behind the bar, which looks like a quaint British drinking hole airlifted to this
Nowhere, that’s where. Connoisseurs remote location 2 874 metres above sea level. The pass itself is a treacherous one, so it’s
of other tipples need not fear, however: worth checking in to one of the rooms for the night if you’re planning to have a couple. You’ll
the bar offers a decent selection of be rewarded with views that’ll melt your heart, if not the winter’s snow.
wines, beers, spirits and cocktails, as Top of Sani Pass, 073 541 8620, sanimountain.co.za.
well as tapas and light meals. Being
high above the harbour at the edge of
the V&A Waterfront, the views in every
direction are postcardesque. Note that
in the interests of preserving some
inkling of exclusivity, you should make
a reservation if you want to pop up for a
bevvy. And if the wind turns ugly, you can
opt for plan B – a stint in The Willaston
Bar (pictured above) on the sixth floor.

Silo Square, 021 670 0500,
theroyalportfolio.com.

74 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com





BEAUTIFUL BARS TRAVEL

SURFAROSA, CAPE TOWN

Leave it to two of the country’s most legendary surfers – Grant ‘Twig’ Baker and
Jordy Smith – to create the ultimate surf-themed watering hole. Situated in the city’s
ever-evolving east, it’s carefully crafted for that rusticated, slightly haphazard look
that connects hipsters with heritage, and between the brickwork and wooden beams
the ocean-inspired blue walls are decorated with a frenzy of framed artworks and
photos and studiously hand-painted slogans. Mounted decks and surfboards (and even
a birdcage) grace the ceiling, while on the floor, there might be live, gutsy music (surfers

love punk, right?) spilling out from one corner – not to mention a mix of
pretty and more rugged characters all gripping their favourite craft ale.
61a Harrington Street, 076 070 4474, thefirmct.co.za/surfarosa.

Pictures: Alfazet Chronicles/shutterstock.com, Supplied THIRTYONE, CAPE TOWN

Home to beautiful people, beautiful views, beautiful
cocktails and stony-faced bouncers at a rather stiff door,
ThirtyOne feels like a little piece of Sandton plakked onto
the 31st storey of the Absa building in the Cape Town
CBD. Beautiful is the name of the game here –
you have to put in some effort, so get dressed
to the nines for an evening of air-kissing,
hip swaying and Moët with your boëts. Aside
from the gifted genetics on display, there’s also

the matter of the views over the city, with Table
Mountain looming in the background. Consider
making a booking or getting on the guest list,
as being turned away at the door is not
such a beautiful experience.
2 Riebeek Street, 021 421 0581,
thirtyonecpt.co.za.

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 77

TRAVEL SPARE UNDERPANTS REQUIRED

pantsBIG
GIRL

Sometimes it’s the most intense moments that compel us to
see life at its most beautiful. Bryony McCormick tells of the
terrifying situations she’s found herself in that have resulted
in a far more vivid, colourful and intense journey through life.

78 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com

SPARE UNDERPANTS REQUIRED TRAVEL

‘ L ean back,’ shouted Robyn Owen,
one of the two mountain guides in
whose hands I’d placed my life.
I tilted back by half a degree, looked down and
wondered if I had heard her correctly. I was
attempting to abseil a short distance on a
self-made Munter hitch (a climbing knot used in
place of a belay device) and couldn’t quite figure
out how to get going.

Keeping my feet firmly planted on the rock,
I tilted further back, guiding my bum
downwards. Before long my feet were eye
level and, despite being a first-timer at what
was evidently a slightly advanced ‘scrambling
workshop’, I knew something was wrong. As
I moved slowly and successfully towards what
felt like some obscure suspended handstand,
Robyn popped over the rocks and calmly, but
clearly, instructed me out of my acrobatic
position. Her calm demeanour and clear
instructions seemed to penetrate the howling
wind, and I systematically moved through the
process until I found myself right way up again
and at the bottom of the abseil.

As I stood looking up towards the rest of the
crew, a feeling of combined relief and triumph
sweeping over my body, I smiled awkwardly and
gave Robyn a double thumbs-up to let her know
I was lucid.

I took shelter behind a boulder and sat
crying (quietly) as I waited for my fear to
dissipate. I started to wonder how many people
had experienced Table Mountain from that
perspective – upside-down and out of sorts.
It got me thinking about other precarious
situations I’ve landed myself in, and how
those moments tended to be more than a little
life altering.

pictures: xxxxxxx

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 79

TRAVEL SPARE UNDERPANTS REQUIRED

RUNNING WITH WILD through big-game territory brought with
ANIMALS it a low but constant inkling of fear. It’s an
inkling that certainly wakes up your senses
The Mapungubwe Transfrontier Wildrun is – I’m pretty certain I developed the ability
a 90km, three-day running safari through to see through bushes and the power to
Botswana, Zimbabwe and South Africa. hear the faintest snap of a breaking twig.
It involves trail running in small groups To survive, my natural senses kicked in,
through territory where lions and leopards, and that was thrilling beyond all measure.
elephants and buffalo dwell – although, Less screen time meant more time for
to be safe, runners are escorted by absorbing my surroundings; the bright-
professional guides with the protection pink sunsets, the full moon rises and the
of armed rangers. For me, it also involved contrasting colours of the African bush.
wild camping on the banks of the Limpopo All in all, a kind of intensely experienced
River, where I had to scan the foliage for beauty came with that ongoing
hippo before sneaking a midnight pee, undercurrent of fear.
running into a herd of elephants and
startling two perturbed spotted hyena in GETTING THE GRILS ON
the process. NIGHT WATCH

Surprisingly, one of the scariest parts It was three in the morning and I had been
of the experience wasn’t wondering what on night watch for an hour. I was on a
wild animal was around the next corner, or wilderness walk in iSimangaliso Wetland
cartwheeling sideways every time a twig Park, which sounds like a walk in the park,
snapped nearby – it was having to get a but actually entails getting lost in Big
blister popped and threaded by Five territory with two armed rangers, a
one of the medics. As I sat, a
curled-up and quivering mess in bivvy and some food. Night watch
the medics chair, I genuinely entailed keeping the fire
thought it would be fuelled and scanning the
less terrifying to be parameters of the camp
standing waist-deep in with a torch. It was the
the crocodile-infested darkest of dark nights,
river 50 metres away. and my heart
Blisters aside, running literally skipped

80 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com





SPARE UNDERPANTS REQUIRED TRAVEL

There was an option to portage a crocodile-infested
riverbank or stay in the boat, and I opted for crocs.

Pictures: Mark Sampson, Bryony McCormick, Andrew King, Safari Par Excellence a beat when I heard the faint sound of a him with my torch until he was out of surface like a lone sock in a spin cycle. I
twig snapping – too faint to bother with, sight. I shakily lowered myself back onto finally managed to kick upwards, my 3ft-
I tried to tell myself. Before long, however, the branch. Despite my heart beating long lips breaking the surface two minutes
the feeling that something was watching at 300 BPM and the inability to breathe before the rest of my body. I was beneath
me intensified, and I turned slowly – half properly, I was already smiling about how the upside-down raft and it was dark. I
expecting to find myself face to face with signing up for the graveyard shift had recognised another raft buddy who had
a rhino. There was nothing, and I let out a resulted in this cool story about how accidentally surfaced under the raft too
shaky breath of relief. Then I heard another I’d defended our camp against a medium- and, as we looked into each other’s eyes,
twig snapping, and this time there was no size predator. we gave each other the slightest of slight
doubt that there was something lurking in nods, silently acknowledging our fates, and
the darkness. CLINGING ON FOR took a deep breath before attempting to
DEAR LIFE swim under the raft to join the others.
‘Crap,’ I thought. ‘Time to put my big
girl panties on.’ Without stepping too far ‘This one is called Terminator One,’ smiled Because we had miraculously managed
from the fire (I was basically in the fire), our Zambezi white-river rafting guide, ‘and to bugger up the first part of the rapid, we
I scanned the horizon with my torch and the next one is the big daddy, Terminator had the sheer terror of swimming the big
the light suddenly hit two red eyes looking Two.’ I was in the crouch and brace position daddy section. A pair of shorts, my sense
directly back at me like laser beams in before he had finished his sentence. We of humour and several years of my life
some freaky sci-fi flick. It felt like someone had been through several rapids already, later, I washed up on the side of the river
had hit me in the stomach with a baseball not all successfully, and I was scared. like a drowned rat. As I lay there,
bat. The guides had told us not to bother getting intimate with the solid, sandy
waking them up unless ‘it was something So scared that at one point there was ground, I looked back through the
big’. But this wasn’t anything small. This an option to portage a crocodile-infested gorge at the raging Zambezi River
was more, um, medium size. I realised that riverbank or stay in the boat, and I opted and considered the unique
the skin on my legs was basically on fire, for crocs. Terminator One raged in front perspective I had just
and I took two or three steps away from of us, and the sound of churning water had of it. I didn’t just
the flames. As I wobbled forwards, the roared in my ears. I was too afraid to cry or fly over it with a
devil creature decided it was time to go shout, so instead I just looked down at the helicopter, I flippin’
and lurched off – instantly giving away his bottom of the boat and prayed to as many tamed it; and
identity with his hunched running gait: it gods as I could think of. We hit the rapid that’s the
was a hyena. As he ran off, he whooped (as and flipped immediately. I clung onto the story I am
did I, albeit more silently) and I followed boat for as long as I could but was sucked sticking to.
down, the current tossing me beneath the

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 83



UNDERSTANDING ALLERGIC
SYMPTOMS AND IgE

Celebrating the 50 year anniversary of the discovery of Immunoglobulin E

Most people are aware that allergic symptoms are caused by the Research in the 80’s
release of powerful signal substances such as histamine that can demonstrated exactly
cause everything from mild reactions such as a runny nose or how IgE binds to other
skin rash to severe symptoms such as asthma, eczema and even compounds, based on a
systemic shock. But it wasn’t until the 1980s that scientists understood how deeper insight into IgE-
these symptoms came about – or the central part that IgE antibodies played receptors, which opened
in the process. the door to a better
understanding of the origin
In principle, allergic reactions are misguided inflammatory reactions of allergic symptoms.
triggered by normally harmless substances from our day-to-day environment –
allergens. An allergen is typically a protein found in for example plant pollens,
animal dander and foods such as peanut, egg and milk.

In allergic individuals, one or more of these allergens may be recognised
as potentially dangerous. On first exposure, their immune system starts to
produce antibodies that can bind to that antigen to protect the individual in
the future. In atopic allergy (the most common type of allergy), the antibody
formed is IgE.

It was discovered that an allergic individual’s ‘memory’ of having first
been exposed to an allergen is stored as IgE antibodies attached side-by-
side on a special type of white blood cell. These blood cells, known as
mast cells, contain the powerful signal substances that on their release
create the inflammatory response we call allergy. On second exposure,
sensitized individuals may suffer a reaction if the allergen cross-links
adjacent IgE antibodies, triggering the release of the inflammatory
chemicals from inside the mast cell.

This is why measuring levels of IgE antibodies in blood is a good way
of determining the risk of allergic reaction, and why IgE-testing is still a
leader in allergy diagnostics.

The rest is history. IgE history.

Visit www.isitallergy.co.za to
download your free Allergy Guide e-book

Hot STUFF
Hlengiwe Magagula discovers
what comes out of the furnace
at Swaziland’s hottest
tourist attraction.

86 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com

A TOUCH OF GLASS BEHIND THE SCENES

pictures: xxxxxxx U ntil now, I’ve had an green-hued object that has a long neck.
uncomplicated relationship ‘Can you guess what it is?’
with glass. Glass full, good.
Glass empty, not good. But now I’m falling I’m still puzzling – is it a fancy vase?
in love with one – is that weird? – when she introduces me to Cathy
Prettejohn, who owns Ngwenya with
The tankard in my hand has an alluring husband Chas. The Prettejohn family
green tinge. But what makes this one started the business 30 years ago, when
special is the handle, which swirls in they reopened an enterprise that had
shades of zebra – my favourite beastie! – started as a Swedish Aid project. Today,
up to a head, which sips from the rim. A Chas is responsible for coming up with
perfect combination of art and functionality. design ideas, while Cathy looks after
It feels good in my hand, too, and I’m marketing and export. Cathy has agreed
having a little daydream that involves icy to give me a behind-the-scenes tour of the
cider, when I hear ‘Yakufela, seyakho, sisi’. glass-making process. I follow her down a
It’s Zanele, the shop manager at Ngwenya corridor and ‘backstage’ to the workshop.
Glass, and although she has a big smile, Normally, visitors observe from the safe
I know she’s serious too. ‘You break it, you distance of the gallery above, but I’m
own it, sister.’ granted access to the floor. I’m delivered
into the care of Sibusiso Mhlanga, the
In fact, the glass feels sturdy enough production manager and
to survive a little fall – not that I’m going
to test that. Maybe this is the secret of
success at Ngwenya – the objects are
stunningly lovely, but most are designed
for everyday use. Yes, the cute elephants
and giraffes are very popular, and there
are some elaborate and expensive works
of art. But the shelves are lined with items
begging to be touched: sparkling wine
glasses, elegant vases, chunky jugs, and
colourful candleholders. ‘These are new,’
says Zanele, handing me an exquisite

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 87

BEHIND THE SCENES A TOUCH OF GLASS

'In just a few minutes, these magicians
have conjured up another beautiful object.'

a master glassblower for over three Sibusiso explains that the one of those zebra-handled glasses that I’d
decades. ‘Sibusiso is the glue that keeps us green tinge in the glass comes from found so enchanting. Each one gets a final
all together,’ says Cathy. Sibusiso trained iron oxide in the sand that was originally treatment of heat and grinding to make
in Sweden and often returns to Europe to melted down. At Ngwenya, however, sure the rim is smooth and durable.
share his skills, knowledge and new ideas everything’s made not from sand, but
with glassmakers there. from used glass. Recycling is a core I ask about the heat. ‘The furnace burns
business practice here – it’s collected, at 1 200°C,’ says Sibusiso, which sounds
I’m given strict instructions on where washed and crushed before being to me like a high-energy outlay, but over
to stand and reminded not to move – it’s a smelted down and reused. half the electricity needs of the business
very active environment, with some very are met by solar panels – 550 of them –
intense heat coming off the furnace. Nathi returns with another hot ball up on the roof. Later, Cathy explains that
of glass which fuses with the first and Ngwenya’s green initiatives are proving
Today, Jabulani Dlamini is working with forms what will become the ice so successful that they’re hoping to sell
Nathi Shongwe, the two moving with a compartment for a wine cooler: excess weekend power to the Swaziland
synchronicity that suggests many years essentially, it’s a bubble within a electricity supplier. ‘We’ve also started
of crafting together. Nathi dips a blowpipe bubble. In just a few minutes, these talking to wind turbine companies,’ she
into the furnace and flicks his wrist. Out it magicians have conjured up another says. ‘Eventually we think wind could
comes with a glowing blob of liquid glass. beautiful object to add to the rack power the whole valley’.
He hands it to Jabulani, who sits at a for finishing in the ‘cold shop’.
workbench. His hands move with practised At the next workbench, I ask about the challenges and rewards
precision, turning the rod while shaping the Vuyisile Manana, of running a craft business in a remote
glass using a selection of tools and pads Ngwenya’s only lady location. ‘The local market for our products
with smooth skill. As he blows through the glassblower, is creating is small,’ says Cathy, ‘and we can’t depend
pipe, a bubble grows, and magic happens. on just passing trade.’ But Ngwenya has
established international links and has a
Pictures: Supplied
shop at Cape Town’s V&A Waterfront.
More importantly, though, is that the
business’s success has enabled it
to become a source of strength for
the local community. Aside from
employing a team of around 70 people,
the glass-making operation has been able
to channel funds towards several charitable
initiatives, including orphanages in
Swaziland and South Africa, and Motshane
Clinic, which is just down the road from
the factory. Visitors leave Ngwenya
feeling good. Not just because they’ve
bagged a glassware souvenir, but made a
connection with a business that wears its
heart on its sleeve.
ngwenyaglass.co.sz

88 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com

Super employees taking SA
by storm

RecruitMyMom.co.za, an innovative
online recruitment agency enabling
forward-thinking employers to
access these super employees.

Thanks to widespread internet accessibility and technology in South Africa, THE BENEFITS OF HIRING SKILLED MOTHERS,
a whole new way of working has opened up and thousands of employers SAY EMPLOYERS:
have quickly tapped into a new resource pool of highly skilled talent, • They want to work and are loyal employees.
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This pool of super talent comprises of tens of thousands of highly skilled
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are willing to offer it to them in exchange for their skill, loyalty and exceptional or call head office 021 2011190.
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contractual basis, employers are making flexible working a reality.

warsSONG
Babalwa Shota goes beneath the
surface of Idols SA, a reality TV show
that’s all about beautiful singing voices
and nurturing young talent. Or is it?

90 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com

ALL THE PRETTY VOICES BEHIND THE SCENES

pictures: xxxxxxx S aturday, 5:15am, outside The The air is thick with expectation, anxiety
Playhouse Company theatre in and excitement. It’s a sight to behold
central Durban. The pink tinge when you know that, by the end of a long
of breaking dawn is a striking contrast to day, most of these eager aces will be
the weak incandescent yellow of faded ravaged by tears, their mouths twisted
street lamps. On the pavement is a mass in bitter anger as their dreams of pop
of bodies – some are stomping their feet, superstardom are shattered to the ground.
others are huddled together under shared As the current televised season edges
blankets, and all of them are lined towards its nail-biting conclusion, a similar
up in between steel barriers typically fate will have been visited on those who
used to control crowds at protests and proved their mettle during auditions.
rock concerts.
Last year I joined the Idols SA audition
Closer to the shut, guarded theatre door tour for the first time. It was Season 12
is a tight group of half a dozen youths. and the show was moving to its new
A young man in a beanie and fingerless home on Mzansi Magic after more than
gloves is strumming a guitar. Snapping a decade on M-Net. New talent shows
fingers and singing an unfamiliar tune were springing up all over our screens, so
at his shoulder is a young girl who could expectations for the granddaddy of reality
be an extra in an Avril Lavigne video, all singing contests were running high: Could
raggedy fashion and loose oversized scarf. it sustain the high viewing numbers from
The other kids are humming along. the previous seasons? How would viewers
respond to the channel change? Had it
Nothing seems coordinated or practiced, become a ‘black’ show rather than a South
but the aura of camaraderie among them African show? Was it even still relevant?
is touching, considering they are here to
compete against one another. Today is the Like Miss South Africa, Idols SA has
Durban audition for one of South Africa’s suffered the scrutiny and ridicule of an
longest-running and most-watched reality extremely critical audience over the years,
TV shows, Idols SA. with many on social media calling it

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 91

BEHIND THE SCENES ALL THE PRETTY VOICES

old-fashioned and redundant. Ironically, is the hair that harnesses my talent and Her namesake in the Mother City,
the same people who swear off the show I take care of it to show that I appreciate however, will go down as the biggest
are usually the most vocal when it’s back what it gives me.’ There’s a faraway look crybaby in the history of the show … so
on the screen, lighting up Sunday-night on his face as he fingers the strings of a far. In Season 12, the Cape Town teenager
social media to a point where the show calabash-style mini-guitar contraption. came short of making it to the top 16. Her
will still be trending hours after it’s been Needless to say, he never makes it beyond devastation was of such epic proportions
aired. That’s the power of the Idols brand the judges’ audition. that I was locked out of my workstation
– there’s just no resisting it in this era of for two hours while a colleague tried to
hardcore FOMO. You would think that Being rejected, time and again, comfort her.
there’s constant, furious paddling behind doesn’t seem to faze the single-minded
the scenes to keep it moving, but no … it’s contestants who make it an annual Then again, tears are part of the
really the people themselves who make pilgrimage to the Idols SA queues. In Idols game; crying’s expected. But the
the magic happen. Durban, I also met Nokwazi and Ntando, avalanche of tears from her was such that
friends who had been rejected five times work came to a standstill for some as we
There’s the eccentric hairdresser whose before but remained optimistic and in high puzzled over how to turn off her saline
long, natty dreadlocks surround a shiny spirits. They still live in hope. In Cape Town, tap. When she returned for a second year
bald dome. He tells me that, like Samson, there was Zithembe, who lived up to his and proceeded to cry again, even the most
his hair is his secret weapon. name by trusting that the third time would caring comforters got to a point where
be the charm for him. At least Ncebo, who they were rolling their eyes and slowly
Using flexible wire to create intriguing was on his fourth audition, finally clutched moving away from her.
hairstyles, in previous years he’s coiffed the Golden Ticket even if he was kicked out
his hair to spell the word ‘Idol’ and even to in the first round of Theatre Week, while in And then there are the Wooden Mic
shape it into a pair of long, sharp horns. Joburg, Bongiwe made it on the sixth try. gems, the other worldly bleating

‘My hair gives me power,’ he tells me. ‘It

Being rejected, time and again, doesn’t seem to
faze the single-minded contestants who make
it an annual pilgrimage to the Idols SA queues.

92 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com





ALL THE PRETTY VOICES BEHIND THE SCENES

nincompoops who truly believe they are It’s not only among wannabes And, at the Season 5 finale,
misunderstood and their talent is simply and contestants that things can turn
not being recognised by ignoramus ugly. Penny Lebyane was a judge many in the 3 000-strong
judges. In Pretoria, pimply-faced Johan during Season 1. The outspoken
was perplexed when he came out of the radio and TV personality raised crowd booed when Sasha-Lee
judges’ audition with nary a Golden Ticket the ire of audiences and viewers
in his hand. ‘They say they love me when she told contestant Melanie Lowe Davids announced the winner. It
but they have a problem with my voice. that she was still in the show because
They say it’s deep but they say it’s also of ‘sympathy votes’. This, after Lowe turned out the voting had it wrong.
small, but they say I can still make it.’ became the 11th finalist when a vote
But, but, but… But, hey, that’s life. Or miscount saw 11 finalists in the M-Net released a statement in
showbiz, at least. top 10. Lowe eventually came third in the
competition, and Lebyane was replaced which they admitted that Jason
Season 12’s top Wooden Mic by Mara Louw.
contestants Mbishop Shezi, Phumzile Hartman was, in fact, the rightful heir
Zungu and Mxolisi Zungu so loved their Louw later also left under a cloud after
celebrity – despite the form it came she became incoherent and obstinate to the throne. Apparently votes were
in – that they made sure to make their during a live show, even refusing to
presence felt at the auditions earlier this comment on a contestant’s performance. miscounted by auditors Alexander
year. Mbishop, who took the Wooden Mic It later transpired that she had mixed
trophy home last year, said his ‘opera’ alcohol with painkillers before going on Forbes, resulting in the exclusion of
career was doing well. air. The controversy reared its ugly
head again late last year when about 200 000 votes that Hartman had
Mxolisi had sung an unintelligible fellow judge Gareth Cliff released
version of Katy Perry’s ‘Titanium’ while his biography, in which there were received. The powers-that-be decided
Phumzile sang an original composition implications that he may have been
about a lost love. When asked why they the culprit in the ‘Drunk Mara’ saga. to declare both Davids and Hartman
were there, all three said they’d come She was later replaced by
to ‘encourage’ and ‘give tips’ to the new Unathi Msengana. winners, and they became the first ever
crop of hopefuls.
‘double winners’ of the show in the world.

This might make it all sound like a

gathering of loons, but of course it’s the

mix of real talent with behind-the-scenes

melodrama (or out-and-

out comedy) that

Pictures: Supplied makes this kind of Idols SA Season
show gripping and 13 screens on Mzansi
engaging. You see Magic (DStv Channel
humans at their 161) every Sunday at 5pm
best and you get to
see them behaving – the season
finale happens

next month.

badly, too.

It may sound like a gathering of loons, but it’s the mix of real talent
with behind-the-scenes melodrama that makes it gripping.

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 95



HISTORY'S RISKIEST FIXER-UPPERS HEALTH, FITNESS & BEAUTY

mMAaDkeovers

Gaynor Lawson unearths some
of history’s strangest beauty treatments.

T hrough the yellow and orange with henna. might possibly help kill oral germs and
ages, there have Which doesn’t sound so bad, except somehow the Romans figured this out.
been some ‘beauty that they also crushed-up scarab beetles
treatments’ so downright nasty, they for more eye gunk, and made kohl – the More toilet treatments used by both
make liposuctioning body fat from our black stuff used to darken features, Greeks and Romans involved highly
thighs and injecting botulism toxins much like modern mascara – from heavy sought-after crocodile dung, which was
into our faces seem almost decent. The metals with high concentrates of lead believed to have anti-ageing properties
ancient Egyptians, those wise folks who salts. They were smart enough, though, (probably because there were never any
built the pyramids, were apparently first to process this substance for long old crocodile dung gatherers around).
very into looking good. Wealthy, well-off enough to filter out the deadly stuff. It was made into a warm mush for face
Egyptians made a big deal of makeup In the Mediterranean, the ancient masks and bathing.
and rejuvenating soaks – Cleopatra was Greeks and Romans were also keen on
known for taking baths in a mixture of looking and smelling good no matter
ass milk and honey. The Egyptians also how weird the treatment. The Romans
showed some haircare savvy by plucking gargled with imported urine sourced
out all of their own hair to prevent lice from the distant
and covering up their sun-sensitive pates Portuguese, to ensure
with woven wigs made of human hair. fresh breath! Yup,
as totally disgusting
They used green malachite crystals as it sounds, urine
for eye shadow and dyed their nails

kulula.com OCTOBER 2017 97

HEALTH, FITNESS & BEAUTY HISTORY'S RISKIEST FIXER-UPPERS

Bird-poo and caviar facials
cost a bomb, but snail-slime
skin cream is said to
work wonders.

Let’s head north to England, end), and attracted cream made from human foreskins
where, during the time of Queen vermin such as lice (taken from circumcised infants).
Elizabeth I, ‘proper’ women went to and even rats.
extreme lengths to look pale (because Moving forward a few Another celeb full of beauty advice is
only peasants had tans). So they covered hundred years, we have really the talented and beautiful (but obviously
themselves in toxic materials including extended our repertoire of yucky facial slightly barmy) Gwyneth Paltrow, who
carbonate, hydroxide and lead oxide, and and hair enhancements. Bull semen is is a fan of apitherapy, which includes
hung leeches from their ears to drain the supposedly a wonderful hair conditioner being stung by bees, which is, she says,
blood from their faces. This is possibly (reminiscent of that cringe-worthy an ancient treatment to get rid of scars
the first example of the popular vampire scene in There’s Something About Mary), and inflammation. She does admit that
look. Another beauty trend was putting and some other animal secretions are it’s darn painful (and the bees aren’t too
drops of deadly nightshade into the eye currently all the rage, too. Bird-poo and happy about it either, I’m sure).
(the name should have been a hint that caviar facials cost a bomb, but snail-
this was not a good idea). Known as slime skin cream is said to work wonders Another hint from the luscious
belladonna or ‘beautiful lady’, this plant’s for sorting out acne, and ant body wash Gwyneth is ‘oil pulling’ – swilling sesame
poison dilates the pupils and makes the is a winner. Not into animals that much? or coconut oil around in your mouth for
eye look wide and alluring. It also results Maybe take a tip from Oprah – she 20 minutes. ‘It’s weird, but it really pulls
in blindness with prolonged use, but, apparently espouses an anti-wrinkle toxins out of your skin,’ she gushes. The
then again, beauty is in the eye of the tabloids, meanwhile, report that age-
beholder, right? defying Demi Moore is currently using

Haircare seems to have been a bit
neglected, apart from the Egyptians and
their wigs, but in the 18th century, wigs
became big again – literally. Massive
mounds of false hair were created for
lords and ladies and held together with
lard. Yes, animal fat. Which melted when
hot, became very smelly (especially
since wigs were worn for months on

98 OCTOBER 2017 kulula.com