Late Summer Whisperer

LATE SUMMER EDITION - Since 1919

NEW EXHIBIT AT MYSTERIOUS DEATH TRAGEDY AT
THE MUSEUM OF IN PORTSMOUTH! BRAITHWAITE HALL

LONDON POLICE STUMPED! The police have been
called to Braithwaite Hall
The British Museum Today police are calling for witnesses in in response to the tragic
today unveils its latest connection to the death of Captain Anton death of Albert Finnegan,
acquisition: A golden Demetri who was found by locals in Portsmouth a stonemason working on
spear found buried in the Harbour. Police describe his death as ‘suspicious’ the renovations at the
foundations of Victoria due to the number of claw-type marks on his historic building. Mr
Street station during body and an odd symbol carved into his Finnegan had been
renovation works. The forehead. The Captain sailed into shore on working on the roof when
Spear, dated by scientists Monday on the Russian merchant vessel The he fell to his death
to be from 100 BC, is in God’s Hand for supplies and was due to sail out shortly after 4pm on 13th
remarkable condition and on Tuesday but was reported missing by his July 1926, a Friday.
thought to have been crew. Locals who found the body explained the A witness claims he
buried intentionally. There Captain had a look of ‘right fear’ on his face. heard Albert arguing
is speculation that it was briefly just before the
stolen and hidden with the clock struck 4 but police
thief meeting a sticky end were unable to make an
before he or she could arrest.
return to claim it. Mr Carnegie Bryce said
‘It’s a tragedy of course,
The spear will be on he was an excellent
display for the summer mason.’
before travelling around The renovations of the
the country as part of the hall are already three
‘History of Britain’ event. months behind schedule,
Mr Bryce has had some
trouble finding local
talent and Mr Finnegan
and his brother came
from Ireland.

The Whisperer understands from local people
that there have been other incidents of
individuals being attacked yet are too afraid to
come forward to the police. Why this is the case,
no one appeared sure, but there is an atmosphere
of fear in the town and after nightfall no one
leaves their houses. Our intrepid reporter for the
Whisperer will be carrying out an investigation
and will report back in due course.

THE BLASTER FURTHER TRAGEDY STRIKES
BOLT VICTORIOUS!
EXPEDITION IN EGYPT!

The Bentley boys had their Cables received back from the dig site of the archaeological remains of an
5th win of the season toda y ancient temple twelve miles east of Luxor, Egypt, report that further mishap
with their car. The Blaster has befallen this ill- fated expedition. Readers will recall that the temple site
Bolt, driven by the was located by Dr Louis Feltz after he first predicted its existence from
charismatic Sir Edmund inscriptions found in the tomb of a high priest of Sobek that he had excavated
Jones, came first in a
thrilling race at Brooklands. in 1919. Having returned to England to raise funds and to gather the
Two cars had to retire due to assistance of other notable academics, Dr Feltz set of in March this year to
difficulties but another begin work at the site. It was not long before the first of many problems
exited the race in a ball o f arose. Firstly, the trip was almost called off before it had even started when a
flames. Astonishingly, no fire at Dr Feltz offices nearly destroyed reams of research documents and
one was hurt in the crash.
plans he had compiled in preparation. Then, the vessel transporting much of
ATTACKS IN the expeditions equipment sunk shortly after entering the Mediterranean Sea.
YORKSHIRE!! Reports by survivors of an explosion on board could not be verified. As a
result, Dr Feltz and his team were laid up in the port of Alexandria for a
Police are urging for calm month while new equipment was sourced and a second ship chartered.
after a number of attacks in
Whitby and the surrounding Finally, the team started on its journey down the Nile by boat, the equipment
area. Victims report a and labourers making their way on foot using teams of camels and donkeys. A
foreign looking fellow in a further tragic set back then occurred when a sandstorm waylaid the caravan
cape biting their necks transporting the equipment, which resulted on a loss of several items of
before vanishing into the equipment and the death of three labourers. Dr Feltz and his main team made
night. One victim, Billy
Hogs, said to our reporter : camp on the Nile bank near the Luxor while they waited to rendezvous with
“I’m a bit shaken up by it the foot caravan a week later. While they waited there, the expeditions
all, just a quick nip and he medical Doctor, Joseph Manns, was killed by a crocodile – a matter that
was gone. He could’ve captured the imaginations of the popular press since the temple that was to be
brought me a pint first.” excavated is believed to be dedicated to the god Sobek, whose avatar is that

of man with a crocodile’s head.
Upon the arrival of the equipment and workforce, the beleaguered team set
out across open desert to the temple site and commenced work some eight
weeks behind schedule. During the weeks that followed several labourers
were to be reported missing. Some desertions are not unexpected at such digs,

but the remaining workforce began to complain that their compatriots were
being stolen away during the night and eventually “down-tooled”, claiming
the site was haunted by evil spirits who had dragged away the missing men
while they slept. A wage increase was offered and enough men returned to
work to allow Dr Feltz to dismiss the others and send to Alexandria for

replacements. It is unknown if this has finally placated the workforce, as Dr
Feltz and his team now refuse to reply to any queries on the matter.
The latest reports fresh from “the wire”, tell that last week yet further disaster
occurred when a pit collapsed beneath one of Dr Feltz’s top team, Professor
Julian Matheson, and half a dozen labourers. It appears that they had been

unknowingly excavating over a void. The hapless individuals tumbled some
twenty feet down a shaft, resulting in two deaths and the rest seriously
injured. Professor Matheson is reported to have suffered a fractured spine,
amongst other injuries, and has been transported up the Nile to Cairo for
treatment. The shaft, which appears to provide a probably way into the

temple, is being made safe ready for Dr Feltz and his team to enter and
explore.

SCIENTIST HAIL
AMAZING

DISCOVERY!

The Eyes Forward Group, a club ANCIENT EVIL DEFEATED! FILM DIRECTOR
for like- minded thinkers to LOOKING FOR CREW
gather and innovate solutions for “Another one bits the dust”
the next generations were proud Jonathan Kemp, director and
today to unveil their latest It has been announced today by producer of several films and
innovation: A frying pan that Professor Maximillian Power that a n documentaries, is looking for
does not stick. This remarkable ancient evil has been defeated at a crew and backers for a
invention is promised to save all haunted castle in Scotland. The production he is planning. The
housewives from hours of Professor held a news conference to documentary, Hidden Caves of
scrubbing and cleaning so they explain the ghost of a woman who the Welsh valleys, is to be an
can spend more time being was wronged had haunted the castle investigation of local legends
available for their husbands. due to a long standing curse on the and the places where these
The group has brought a number family who owned the building. The mysteries are supposed to have
of inventions to market recently ghost inhabited the castle ever since taken place. Mr Kemp is
causing spectators to wonder at the occupant’s father crossed a loca l planning to make the
the clubs sudden innovation gypsy over a dispute over how luck y documentary on the move with
skills. Some say they have the her ‘lucky’ heather was and was the crew, filming as they travel
best of the best going to the club subsequently cursed for asking for a from one place to another by
to gather and think, others say refund. foot. Cameramen joining the
they are robbing inventions of The apparition had been source of crew are recommended to have
these who are unable to bring many vases being tipped over and a small camera and / or a strong
items to market. There’s even a once she had even knocked a back.
ridiculous suggestion that painting off the wall in an amazing Accommodation and food will
members of the group possible display of recklessness. Luckily, need to be paid by those joining
strange time travel abilities and Professor Power was in the area and and there will be no financial
are able to travel to a place to he and his crew dealt with the lost reimbursement however Mr
bring back these innovations. spirit accordingly. When The Kemp has promised a 0.0003%
Whisperer asked Professor Power share of the profits from the film
FEARS FOR SHIP! where the rest of his team was now after it has been made and sold.
he replied no comment and left the
Fears are being raised for the news conference in a hurry.
Ocean liner, Trident’s Edge, after
failing to make port in Japan as
expected. The ship, part of the
fleet of luxury liners owned by
Doctor Wiseman, last made
contact via radio while in the
South Pacific. The message was
picked up by the Seven Seas, a
private yacht making the same
journey to Japan, who reported
the Captain of the Trident’s Edge
sounded like he was babbling
and he remarked about seeing an
island which was on no known
map. All further contact was lost
and a search of the area has yet
to find any trace of the lost
vessel.

The Diary of Francis (cont.) world at this time. My (cont.) Over dinner and drinks at
Chorlton-Bingley
opinion? Well, let me just say that the Colchester Club, to which we
Our Correspondent “about Mr Wethersfield is a lovely chap, are both honoured to be members,
town” gives his commentary on but I am afraid he can’t paint “for the Professor relayed to me yet
toffee” - though don’t tell him I another sorry tale of a visit from
the week’s goings-on. Rest said so! that serial busy-body, Detective
assured, if our man wasn’t
there, then it was not worth Friday afternoon it was lunch Spencer. Regular readers will
with some old pals from my recall that Detective Spencer
going to! former regiment at our favourite seems to waste most of his time
eatery The Fatted Pheasant, near investigating the most outlandish
As busy a week for me as ever Regent Street, which soon turned matters - if it goes “bump in the
there was, dear reader, my post
box positively brimming full with into drinks and dinner, then more night”, the Detective will soon be
invitations to this event, or that – drinks, before we finished the there peering through his
but one learns to be choosey and evening at La Belle Grande, just magnifying glass, or whatever it
sniff out the prime events. off Piccadilly. There we frolicked is he does.
Tuesday evening, I attended a some more until the early hours. I On enquiring as to the line of
concert at the Albert Hall in
support of Queen Alexandria’s do fear we made quite a spectacle questioning to which my friend
favourite charity for the War of ourselves, but the staff at “La was subjected, the good Professor
wounded. The repertoire was the Belle” were most understanding, advised me that yet again it was
usual mix of popular fare one and they boast a fine wine cellar the usual vague fishing expedition
expects at such events, too, so do be sure to pay it a visit! to which he has sadly become
competently performed by the
orchestra and conducted by Sir Saturday, shaking of the worst of accustomed. The nosy Detective
Albert Simpson who must by now my hangover, I attended the first left empty handed, of course.
be in his 70th year. There I found ball of the London Season at What with this and the slanderous
myself in rapt conversation with Highbury, where I caught up with tales that constantly appear in the
Duchess Katrina, a Russian living an acquaintance who has been popular press, including, I am
in exile in Paris, who, I am
delighted to say, is in London for absent from my social circle for sorry to say, this very periodical,
the season. A lady of sharp wit some time. It seems Bertie, poor Professor Fates is now becoming
and great grace, the Duchess will fellow, (a Catholic mind, but quite distressed. There are those
prove a most welcome addition to please don’t hold it against him), in our circle who urge him to take
London society over the coming is still having a rare ‘ole time court action against the worst
weeks.
On Wednesday it was onto finding decent schooling for his offenders, but our friend, the
Somerset House for the opening youngest after the sprogs Professor, is a very private and
of an exhibition of the paintings boarding school, St Aloysius humble person and he fears that
of Morris Wethersfield, who is College, was all but destroyed by this will only increase interest in
very much the toast the art (cont.) fire nearly two years past. The the groundless rumours that are

best he can find for now is a day spread about him.
school and so he has the whipper- I think it is time that New
snapper at home all year, Scotland Yard found more worthy
seriously curtailing his social matters for their attention and
diary – Bertie’s that is, not the ceased wasting the public purse

little ankle biter! Thank the good harrying upstanding members of
Lord I have remained a bachelor society. As for Detective Spencer,
and so avoided the irksome perhaps his superiors could find
problems of fatherhood. him a role more befitting of his
Having recounted the woes of one “talents”? Mucking out the police

dear chum, I am also now stables, perhaps?
compelled to report to my readers
the woes of another good friend
of mine, Professor Fates, who, I
have learnt, has once again found

himself the underserved attention
of New Scotland Yard. (cont.)

Uri Bender’s ARIES: LIBRA:
World of With your star rising you will be A hoard of zombies will interrupt
empowered to take on the universe you while you are out, really
Horoscopes in anything you do. Fight, dance, messing up your dinner plans. On
sing a musical number, all will be the plus side you were never going
I, the famous Uri Bender, am here top notch. Apart from the dancing, to any on the first date anyway and
to guide you through life. With my you will look a bit daft doing that. they will turn out to be a bit
skills and ability, I was pass you crackers.
TAURUS:
my advice. Head my words and The stars align long enough to bring SCORPIO:
you with be awash with good you good fortune in your life. See While out at a meal you will open
the world but don’t trust anyone a fortune cookie and find a note
fortune*. Think it, do it! whose name starts with a ‘D’ saying ‘Help, I’m being held
prisoner in a fortune cookie
*Neither Uri Bender nor the Whisperer GEMINI: factory’. Laugh at the silly joke
guarantees you will be awash with any A tall dark stranger will offer to but make sure you to rush to
kind of fortune. Horoscopes are take you to see some puppies. Do rescue the person. They will be a
presented here for fun and the gullible. not follow. valuable ally.

AQUARIUS: CANCER: SAGITTARIUS:
With Cthulhu rising this will be a While out you will see the Child As the moon rises in your sign you
perfect time to get together with catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang will become as one with the
old friends and see what they’ve Bang. Master your fear, or fear will universe. What that means is not
been up to recently. Don’t trust be your master. Plus desk the big very clear. You might be lucky on
the one called Dave. nosed creepy twat. the horses, or even the dogs. Or
you might phase shift to another
PISCES: LEO: reality and find yourself in the
The universe is right for you and You will begin to feel lost in a land court of an Elder God. Either way
now is the time to fight a greater of confusion. Stay your course and it sounds interesting. Wish I was
evil. Unfortunately, you will dance a lot more. you.
forget your lucky shovel and have
to make do with a rolling pin. It VIRGO:
will not be your finest hour but Oh I don’t know, I’m making this
you will prevail. stuff up. Go and play bingo or
something and try not to think
about the weight of age pushing
down on you and the icy grip of the
grim reaper drawing close.

CAPRICORN:

You’re still stuffed no matter what
you do

LOST AND FOUND

LOST: Chest Case in London. If
found do not open. For the love of
God, do not open.
LOST: Self Respect after seeing

‘insert remake here’
LOST: Ring of power. Somewhere
in the caves beneath the Misty
Mountains.

PERSONALS Want to advertise in The FOUND: Tenuous Plot point. Both
Whisperer? our mothers are called Martha.
Mad professor looking for lab Best we stop fighting then.
assistant to help dig up cadavers Contact our advertising team at:
from local graveyard. Must have FOUND: Way to defeat hoard of
own hump and a limp leg that Whisperer at thedarkdoor dot co dot uk indestructible space ships. Bring
has to be dragged. GSOH. CD of Beastie Boys.

Ever think you are in poor FOUND: Pack of Polos. Mint
company? Ever wonder if your condition.
friends are too thick to talk to
you? Then come to the Eyes FOUND: Plain gold ring. Rather
Forward Group, a place for like- unremarkable really.
minded people to gather and
ponder life’s mysteries. Come Do you seek Action?
all, come one, but just make sure Do you seek Adventure?
you come. Eyes Forward are
looking for new members now. Do you seek to better
the world?
Trousers for every need:
For Fighting Professor Maximillian Power is looking for
For Standing individuals to join him on his quest against the
Great Old Ones and their minions. They seek to
For Horse Riding destroy mankind and only a small band of brave
For Grouse shooting men and women stand in their way. Come join
For Zombie baiting Professor Power and his team and make a
difference to the world!
Our trousers are guaranteed to
help enhance your ‘standing’ Send all applications to PO BOX 12 along with name of next of kin.
and it goes without saying all
our trousers are built in with An Apology
‘lady-attractor’.
The Whisperer would like to apologise to Carl Stanford for our article in the
last Whisperer entitled: Carl Stanford Is Up To No Good. We would like to
state our information was mistaken and Mr Stanford does not have any
desire to enslave mankind and take over the world. We apologise for any
hurt or distressed caused by our article.