Eyes Glued Shut (corrected version)

EYES
GLUED
SHUT

Jacob’s Guide to Childhood

Kits Included!



If you are reading this,
you have survived your entire
life up until this point.
You have survived traumas,
heart break, devastation,
the different phases of life..
And here you are
You go motherfucker
You’re Awesome.

RUN
WITH
BUTTER

1. Wearing only a diaper, retrieve 1-2 sticks of butter from
package in refridgerator.

2. Quietly unwrap
3. Begin to eat butter
4. If Mom sees you, run from her (do not stop eating the

butter)
5. Crawl under bed with butter
*Important Tip - Allow butter to melt on hands, transfer to entire
body including legs and feet (tops of feet only) This will help you to
escape Mom’s attempts to stop you.

Kit includes butter on a stick and running slippers.

GUESS WHAT?

Suppose you score a jazzy new Guess shirt for your
birthday, or maybe you’re given one as a gag gift. Either
way, you plan wear it every single day of your life. You love
it that much.

Th en, on an otherwise average day, while skipping
down the stairs in your super-modern-split-level house ...
you stumble… and begin to fall.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, your sister appears and grabs
ahold of your amazing new shirt. Your life hangs in the
balance as she struggles to hang on.

You plead, “Don’t let me fall!”

“Not today” she replies “Not on my watch.”

Inspired by her strength and courage, you make it back to
the top step and sit down to steady your nerves.

Your sister pats you on the shoulder, “Hey buddy, be
careful on those stairs!”

The brush with death has you so rattled you can barely
reply.

She sits down next to you, “Do you know how many times
I almost fell down those two little stairs? Anyway, I have to
leave for my date with the movie star soon, but I want you

to promise me that you won’t feel bad about the fall.”
You reply with a nod.

You wonder what would have happened if she had already
left for her date with that movie star… The thought of
being on one of the two very tiny stairs, hurt and scared,
was almost too much to deal with.

Still dizzy from the near tragedy, you slowly make your way
back down the two miniature/practically non-existent,
stairs when you notice something reflective on the ground.
Oh God no! It’s a button from your fancy Guess shirt! It
must have ripped off during horrifying fall and rescue. You
blame your sister for saving your life - it was her fault the
shirt was ruined.

You’ll run, no you’ll walk back up those two super tiny
micro-stairs to go plot your revenge. You’ll put the plan
into motion by first telling on your sister. “She pushed me
down a flight of stairs, I ruined my Guess shirt and almost
needed an ambulance” No one will believe her. She’ll pay
for what she’s done.

Don’t let this happen to you. If you wear incredible shirts
and sometimes fall down one or two small stairs… here are
a few important things you should do…

1. Carry a stapler with you at all times. Staplers are handy
when a button comes off during a brutal fall down
stairs, or to reinforce an existing button.

2. Don’t walk down or up stairs.

3. Don’t fall.

4. Don’t buy Guess shirts.

F RY- D AY S

You can have a terrible childhood.
Or you can do this on Fridays.
Your call.

1. EVERY FRIDAY…flip through the TV Guide that you
received in the mail, look for Dukes of Hazzard
and the ORIGINAL Incredible Hulk. Th ese shows
should air back-to-back.

2. 1-2 hours before 1st show: Adjust TV antenna for
better reception - and if necessary apply two
crumpled pieces of tin-foil to each one.

3. Adjust the sound on televison by turning the round
protruding cylinder or “knob” on the TV (refer to
users guide for more information).

4. To go to the channel you want to view: On the top of
your enormous-cable-box, firmly press and hold
channel button until you hear a click. Release and step
back to assess picture quality.

5. Continue to crumple tin foil or “Arthur Fonzarelli” the
side or top of TV, until random lines disappear. Th is
may take up to an hour or more, but well worth the
time.

6. Retrieve TV trays and place in upright position, align
left edge of tray to middle of TV screen. Walk
backwards with tray to sofa. Repeat with an additional
tray to the left for sibling.

7. Take a bath.
8. Get soap in eyes.
9. Get underoos and fleece pajamas with feet (*if the

vinyl feet of your pajamas have become cracked, do not
waste time feeling angry about your toe sticking out.
Put socks over the ripped pajamas and get on with your
evening.
10. Begin by checking your tray for the previously agreed
upon Happy Meal. Start with the hamburger - remove
weird onion things and the pickle, then scrape -off
ketchup and mustard using a green or black french fry.

Kit Includes: TV tray, tin-foil and character place mat



GLUE
REMOVAL
& REVENGE

1. If possible, sleep with eyes open.
2. If eyes close while sleeping, do your best to prohibit

brother from using glue on your eyes.

3. If eyes are glued closed while sleeping, remain calm.
You are not blind, so do not wake up and scream "I'm
blind" down the hallway.

4. Use warm water to remove glue.
5. Always wonder if your brother was trying to murder

you.

*IMPORTANT TIP- Always seek revenge. Use one of the following
ideas… or get creative and come up with your own!

• Wait until parents leave you and your sibling home alone (or with
a cool babysitter).

• Fire up Nightmare on Elm Street by putting the video into the
VCR. Hold brother’s eyes open to force him into watching the
entire movie.

• An alternative to the above would be to scare brother (blasting
Nightmare on Elm Street on full volume should do the trick) -
and when brother runs up to bedroom to hide… slide a kitchen
knife under the bedroom door every 20 minutes.

Kit includes cotton for glue removal and revenge glue. Nightmare on
Elm Street, not included.

THAT DIP IS
TO DIE FOR

Is this family enjoying a nice snack?
Or is this just a twisted game of Russian
Roulette?

U.S. News never published a report about the lurking threat of
overconsumption of various dips. The July 2015 report
outlined an investigation into threats facing the US. Top
officials from across government were asked what they believe
served as the greatest threat to the country.
“Th e secret world of excessive chip dipping is a very real threat
to the lives of US citizens.” R. LaGrassa, Boss of everyone.
“I agree” FBI Director, J Comey, unrelated interview on cyber
warfare
“If certain people choose to hog all of the dip and not allow
siblings to have any, the rhetoric will continue. *Th is is the #1
threat to Americans today, and for many more years to come.”
Rebecca L, Unsuported Data Stated as Fact. (Childhood Living
Room, 1977)
*Ranking extrapolated from unpublished data set and recalulated
using a confidence interval of 0.

Is too much dip really worth giving up your life?
“That one girl” already died - don’t be like her… don’t be
another statistic in the risky game of chips and dip.
Please refer to the illustration below.

CHIPS & DIP
RATIOS THAT CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE

Safe

Risky

Deadly

Kit Includes: Glass dip container and 1/8 tsp.
Measure 1 spoon per Family Size bag of Ruffles.



REBEL YELL

Is anyone ever too old for a Billy Idol Makeover?
The answer is yes, but that’s not the point.

1980’s British Rocker, Billy Idol is alive and kicking, and
continues to make angry movements with his upper lip while
he sings.

Just because you are not 4 years old and being forced into a
make-over by your sister because she was bored, does not
mean you can’t go from a regular person to a British Punk
Rock star in 26 steps.

What are you waiting for bloke? Toss that empty pint and
blimey basket of fish and chips. Why? Because - It’s a nice
day to … start agaaaaain.

How to become Billy Idol in 26 Easy Steps.

1. Stop not being Billy Idol.

2. Remove Billy Idol’s Greatest Hits cassette from the
plastic security case.

3. Struggle to free the cassette for 1 hour, then resort to
using any one of the following: nail clippers, screwdriver,
fire, foot stomps, shoe horn, bread knife, boiling water,
preschool scissors, pizza cutter, molitov cocktail, assault
riffle.

4. After freeing the cassette from the security package,
remove the seamless plastic wrap that surrounds another
plastic case that holds the cassette.

5. Give-up for one hour. Eat Doritos, and drink kool aid.

6. Return to the cassette in plastic, in plastic wrap, and plug-
in the closest table saw. Wear safety glasses.

7. Turn on saw (highest speed) and close one eye - aim
cassette at blade, and throw *throwing speed of a
professional baseball pitcher, should do the trick.

8. Now that the blade has cracked open the plastic and
plastic. You’re ready to begin!

9. Retrieve your boom box from your closet.

10. Place boom box on your right shoulder, with speaker
toward face - and carry to makeover area.

11. When you realize you only have 1 of the 18 car batteries
the boom box requires, remove cord from Atari for
temporary use.

12. Plug in Boom Box. Press Open. Insert Cassette Tape.
Try to close. Tip: Turn cassette over if you cannot close
the door to the cassette player.

13. Press play. And sit comfortably in front of a mirror.

14. Place cross earring on left ear only - using magnet. In a
pinch? Can’t find magnet? Use a sharpie marker to draw
a very dark and permanent cross on ear lobe.

15. Open your Spiderman Hair Gel, and measure out 2-4
cups of gel - distribute gel evenly throughout hair. Use
additional 2-4 cups, if necessary.

16. Remove cap from black eyeliner pencil - use a torch or
lighter to warm end of liner to soften. *If liner catches fire,
DO NOT USE ON EYE.

17. Generously apply melted/charred liner below eyes.

18. For a smoky eye, try to make yourself cry and rub each
eye 10-15 times.

19. When your eyes stop stinging, begin looking for black
leather pants.

20. Wear black leather pants.

21. Add combat boots to complete the look.

22. Say British things.

23. Respond to everything using ONLY these expressions

25. Drive a motorcycle and make lewd hand gestures to the
“media” (all people)

26. Completely destroy 1-3 hotel rooms in various cities.
Need suggestions?:

• Using a broken vodka bottle - slash all bedding.
• Pull down shower curtain to soak up bleeding from cuts

on hands.
• Throw heavy things at mirror and television.
• Vomit repeatedly on carpeting and chair - and if possible,

on the remote.
• Lastly, should the police arrive at the scene, do not ignore

them, simply yell through the locked and chained door
that you are Billy Idol. They will accept this and leave.

Finally and most importantly, have fun.

Kit Includes: Eye Liner, Hair Gel, Cross Earring.

Copyright ©2016
I Hate Mashed Potatoes Publishing, LLC

Youre not the boss of me, Illinois

All rights reserved, including the right
of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

Printed in USA
19Feb2016

ISBN 978-1-329-91859-7