Parent Guide

PROACTIVE

PARENT GUIDE

12 Essential Family Safety Conversations

I always felt proactive in teaching my children about boundaries “As a parent of 3 Boys, this is personally empowering

and how to handle certain situations. I thought I had it covered, until and gives an accessible platform for communication
I followed the role playing advice in the Proactive Parent Guide and
to my horror, my sweet little 5 year old son did the exact opposite of with my kids — not always an easy task.”
what I thought he would do. I was shocked. So we read the books
and opened more conversations about tricky people and different - Keaton, father of 3
situations. Plus, the game is FANTASTIC! All 3 of my children ages 13,
9 and 5 all love it. And I don’t mean just love it; I mean LOVE it. Begging Illustrated by Nathan Little
me to play the minute they wake up. And they get it. They really get
what I am trying to teach them, to protect them.

- Nicole, mother of 3

I recently Bought one of the SAFE Hearts Books for my son,

and I read it to him today. I loved the lessons that he learned and I
loved the fact that it taught my son how to handle uncomfortable
and inappropriate situations.

- Jenny, mother of 2

Because of Damsel I have unlocked secrets that have been

buried inside for years. I’m 32 years old and my mom recently came
down to visit me and said that she admired the movement and asked
if there was a reason why I was so passionate. I showed her the SAFE
Hearts books and opened a line of communication with her that I
previously was too afraid to. She never knew I had a story. She and I
are growing stronger by the day because this company has allowed
me to grow in a very natural and safe way!

- Tiffany, survivor

!PROACTIVE Ultimately, it is up to your own judgment to determine
PARENT the readiness of your child for the topics discussed in
PROOFREAD each of the companion SAFE Hearts storybooks.

safehearts.com Written by

PROACTIVE

PARENT GUIDE

12 Essential Family Safety Conversations

STatisTics SHOW US:

In the United States, approximately 1 out of every
4 girls and 1 out of every 6 boys is sexually abused.

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Approximately 1.3 million children in America 1C.H3ILMDILRLEIONN
are sexually assaulted each year.

D

The FBI estimates that a child has almost a
25% chance of being molested.
CH2A5N%CEALMOST
THE
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The generally lower rate for male sex abuse >UPNRLEPUOSRTE>D
may be largely inaccurate due to male victims

being more hesitant to report sexual abuse.

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Statistic sources listed on page 41

ABOUT DAMSEL IN DEFENSE FOREWORD by Shannon Miles, MFT

Damsel in Defense, creator of the SAFE Hearts series and this Parent As a Marriage and Family Therapist, whether in my private practice or
Guide, began in September 2011 as a company advocating for the teaching a parenting class, I am regularly asked how and when parents
safety of women. The Damsel mission is to equip, empower and should talk to their children about their bodies and how to protect them,
educate women to protect themselves. That mission has grown into a and how parents should address suspected or past sexual abuse. In my
nationwide movement of Independent Damsel Pros working to change experience, parents fear these conversations so much that they just don’t
the statistics around sexual assault. Since 70 percent of sexual assaults have them. There are very few parent and child shoulder-to-shoulder books
occur before the age of 17 (rainn.org), Damsel in Defense felt called to available to help facilitate those conversations. So, when I was introduced to
take a preventative approach to childhood sexual assault and overall the SAFE Hearts book series, I strongly supported the concept.
safety education. The ultimate vision for SAFE Hearts is prevention
and healing, aiming to be as effective in protecting children’s hearts as The Proactive Parent Guide is your best starting point in the journey to
Damsel in Defense products are for bodily protection. This Parent Guide empower your children. In order to educate yourself, and prepare for
and the SAFE Hearts storybooks are the key foundational pieces of this conversations and reading with your child, you will want to be clear about
ever-growing, education-based product line. your own comfort level, how much you want to introduce, and the pace you
at which you want to introduce these concepts and the material to your
Copyright © 2017 by Damsel in Defense. No portion of this book may child. Read the Proactive Parent Guide before you pre-read the SAFE Hearts
be reproduced in any manner, including electronic (digital) reproduction, storybooks. Scan it and make notes in the margins about what stands out
without written permission of the authors and publishers. All rights as topics you think your child needs to hear about and the language you can
reserved. use with your child. Use the Proactive Parent Guide as a resource tool; refer
Contact your Independent Damsel Pro or visit our website to learn more back to frequently.
and view additional SAFE Hearts publications and products.
safehearts.com 10.2018 After you have read the Proactive Parent Guide, pre-read the SAFE Hearts
children’s book(s) you intend to read with your child, including the discussion
2 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE questions at the end. Be prepared to guide your child with input that fits your
family’s values, morals and ethics. Pre-reading the material also will help you
determine if your child is developmentally ready for the stories presented in
the books. Every child is unique in their readiness. You may decide to use the
Proactive Parent Guide to get yourself started on the conversation first, and
later use the SAFE Hearts storybooks as your child grows older.

The themes and topics in the Proactive Parent Guide and SAFE Hearts
storybooks can be difficult for some parents to approach. Many of us did
not discuss these issues as children and the topics can be intimidating.
The Proactive Parent Guide and SAFE Hearts storybooks are intended
to challenge you to step out of your comfort zone, to use these as tools
to proactively inform your children. Their easy-to-read, kid-friendly story
lines will provide a natural bridge into the conversation, helping you create

Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 3

FOREWORD continued TABLE OF CONTENTS

an open, safe place for your child to share what is happening in their life. p. 6 | Introduction
Creating a safe and open line of communication with your child gives them p. 7 | Meet the Heart Defenders
the permission and the words they need to set boundaries and speak up to p. 7 | What is a Heart Signal?
protect themselves. We want to be the first line of defense for our children. p. 8 | CHAPTER 1 Why We’re Having These Conversations
These books are tools for the parent as much as for the child. p. 12 | CHAPTER 2 What You May Feel as a Parent
Please note that how you read the stories, and the tone of voice you use, will p. 14 | CHAPTER 3 What is Abuse & What are the Effects of It?
prompt different experiences of them. The stories are written in a manner p. 16 | CHAPTER 4 Creating Boundaries for & with Your Child
that avoids, as much as possible, the victim/perpetrator roles and blaming p. 20 | CHAPTER 5 Guidelines for Prevention
and shaming. They intend to generate a sense of personal advocacy and p. 22 | CHAPTER 6 Parent-to-Parent Prevention
empowerment in a child, equipping and preparing them to face various p. 24 | CHAPTER 7 Knowing the Warning Signs of Abuse
scenarios during their childhood and teen years. These stories must not be p. 27 | CHAPTER 8 The Fork in the Road: What Do You Do Now?
used to instill fear; they are to be used to instill knowledge and skills. p. 29 | CHAPTER 9 Seeking a Qualified Professional
These easy-to-use tools are your opportunity to open the conversation in p. 30 | CHAPTER 10 Why Role Play is Important
your home around personal safety and self-advocacy. Prepare your children p. 34 | CHAPTER 11 Protecting Your Child’s Eyes & Heart in a Digital World
with knowledge and communication skills using the Proactive Parent Guide p. 38 | CHAPTER 12 Understanding Abuse in Children with Disabilities
and SAFE Hearts storybook series. p. 40 | Conclusion
p. 41 | Resource List
4 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE
Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 5

INTRODUCTION Faith

How do we raise awareness in our children, and help them avoid harm, Elizabeth
without inadvertently teaching them to fear everyone and anyone
around them? SAFE Hearts aims to help you do just that. This series Simon
exists to educate and empower your family. The acronym SAFE stands Tomás
for Sharing Awareness for Family Empowerment. Through our books and
resources, the SAFE Hearts series enables parents to have these vital, Meet the HEART DEFENDERS
shoulder-to-shoulder conversations with their children. SAFE Hearts
paves the way for parents to empower their children to take ownership These characters, referred to as Heart Defenders, are members of the Heart
over their own hearts and bodies, raise their awareness, and protect Defenders Club. Throughout the SAFE Hearts storybooks, they help familiarize,
themselves against anyone who tries to harm them. educate and inspire readers to identify threats through awareness and to
encourage strong, courageous decision-making.
6 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE
Our cast of Heart Defenders range in age, taking turns messaging the SAFE
Hearts principles to children and teens alike. The Heart Defenders Headquarters
illustrates the importance of recognizing alerts on a larger scale, becoming aware
of situations that look one way on the surface but feel differently internally.

The role of this cast is to teach readers to identify circumstances that could
pose a risk to their heart. Once that is learned, the reader is empowered to
rely on and listen to those alerts within themselves, referred to as “heart
signals.” Heart signals may present as a feeling in their tummy, a strange
feeling, a pounding in their chest, or something similar. The ultimate goal is for
every reader to learn the importance of a proper response to uncomfortable
situations and be able to protect their heart.

What is a HEART SIGNAL?

A heart signal is a warning from our intuition. Intuition is neither
reasonable nor scientific. Rather, it is the gift of instinct that tells
us an inner truth without any explanation. We must be willing
to both listen to and heed intuition—our own or our child’s—by
taking action and being willing to offend someone in order to
protect and defend someone more important: our child.

Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 7

CHAPTER 1 What is much harder to address are the dangers that could be lurking WHY WE’RE HAVING THESE CONVERSATIONS
from those around us whom our children love—friends and family
Why We’re Having These ConversationsHow do we raise awareness in our children (and ourselves) to members our children hold affection for and who perhaps we have
taught them to trust. According to Megan’s Law: Facts about Sex
help them avoid harm without teaching them to fear everyone Offenders, 95 percent of molested children know their molesters. G This is
and anyone around them? Our goal is to help you empower your the first of many staggering statistics you will see in the following pages.
children to take ownership over their own hearts and bodies, to It is easy to read this information in disbelief and wonder if you have had
your head in the sand. Just remember, this is not a popular topic that is
1 raise their awareness and to protect themselves against anyone brought up at every play date or mom’s group get-together. Even if it is
who tries to harm them. just your first step toward preventative conversations with your family, it
is a very big and respectable one.
When it comes to protecting our children, certain conversations are easy
and even natural to have. “Stranger Danger” is a term we all know. Most So, how do we raise awareness in our children (and ourselves) to help
of our parents talked to us about the “men in trench coats,” decided on them avoid harm without teaching them to fear everyone and anyone
the password for non-parent pickups, and discussed all the enticing around them? Our goal together is to help you empower your children
ways that strangers would try to take and hurt us. These conversations to take ownership over their own hearts and bodies and raise their
are easy to duplicate. awareness and ability to protect themselves against anyone who tries to
harm them. This SAFE Hearts Proactive Parent Guide will answer many
8 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE questions you have and address many critical points in the battle to keep
your child’s body—and most importantly, heart—protected from sexual
assault.

These following statistics show that the threats to our children and
families are prevalent, relevant and require us as parents to be as
proactive and as diligent as ever—perhaps more so.
• In the United States, approximately 1 out of every 4 girls and 1 out of
every 6 boys is sexually abused. A
• The generally lower rate for male sex abuse may be largely inaccurate
due to male victims being more hesitant to report sexual abuse. F

Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 9

CHAPTER 1 listening to their children, and staying aware of where and with whom WHY WE’RE HAVING THESE CONVERSATIONS
their children are spending their time.
• Approximately 1.3 million children in America are sexually
assaulted each year. D Notes:
• The FBI estimates that a child has almost a 25% chance of being
molested. H Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 11

Based on these statistics, SAFE Hearts is taking the proactive approach
of bringing the conversations to parents and their children because,
unfortunately, these statistics show us that the threat is in reality closer
to home than we would like to believe.
• 95% of molested children know their molesters. G
• Approximately 60% of sexual abusers are known to the child but are
not family members, such as family friends, babysitters or
neighbors. B
• Approximately 30% of sexual abusers are family members, such as
fathers, mothers, brothers, uncles, or cousins. C
• Approximately 23% of reported cases of child sexual abuse are
perpetrated by individuals under the age of 18. D
• 70 to 73% of child sexual abusers report experiencing sexual abuse
in their own childhood. D
• The FBI estimates that there is a sex offender living in every square
mile in the United States. H
• Male offenders who abused girls have an average of 52 victims each.
Men who molested boys had an average of 150 victims each. D
• According to the FBI, approximately 1 in 10 men have molested a
child, with little chance of being caught (3%). H

Parents can take steps to prevent the abuse of children by educating
themselves and their children about what sexual abuse is and staying
alert to the classic signs of abuse. Parents should actively work towards
prevention by teaching their children about the privacy of body parts,

10 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE

CHAPTER 2 What if it is too late? WHAT YOU MAY FEEL AS A PARENT
You may be afraid to have these conversations for fear of discovering
What You May Feel as a ParentAfter reading the statistics in the previous chapter you may have felt that an assault has already occurred. This reality is a painful one, but
there is nothing more tragic than a trauma hidden away in the deepest
like putting this book down, or you couldn’t wait to turn the page. parts of a child. Our fear of leaving them in this dangerous place,
Congratulations on doing the latter. Having these conversations is plagued with shame into adulthood, must be greater than the fear of
almost always harder on you as the parent than it is on your child. facing the possible trauma itself.

2As you explore this Proactive Parent’s Guide and the SAFE Hearts What if my child seems okay? Do I still need to get us help?
storybooks, you may have reservations about whether this is You should know that your response—which includes not responding—
appropriate and necessary for empowering your family. We want to has the possibility to affect your child in a very significant way.
address some fears or reservations you may have. Researchers stress that it is crucial to respond in a supportive manner if a
child discloses abuse. Children who disclose abuse and receive a negative
What if my family isn’t ready? reaction or no reaction at all suffer more from general trauma symptoms,
You may worry that the discussion may traumatize or stir curiosity dissociation and PTSD than those who had supportive responses. D
on your child’s part. In truth, these conversations can start in pieces,
and it is never too early to start having the first ones. If your child is I don’t know if I can talk about this because it happened to me.
old enough to understand eyes, ears, arms, and legs, he or she is old If this has happened to you, then you are very familiar with the shame
enough to understand private body parts when you start explaining and pain that you want to avoid for your child. What happened to you
body boundaries. Curiosity is healthy, especially if they know who to does not define who you are, but the following content and these
come talk to about it. If you decide to wait for the one big “birds and conversations could be a psychological trigger for you if you are not
the bees talk,” you are likely too late, and it is bound to be much more healed from your own trauma. If you have not talked to someone about
uncomfortable than it could have been by introducing the conversation your trauma, you should seek out a professional to assist you. By talking
early and making discussions of this nature a part of your family’s through your trauma, you can gain empowerment and a strong voice
regular dialogue. that allows you to be proactive in sharing awareness around sexual
assault with your child.
What if I don’t know how to answer my family’s questions?
You don’t need to have all the answers. This is about starting the Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 13
conversation and letting your child know that these topics, although
sensitive and private to many, are 100 percent safe to have with you.
These types of conversations let your child know that there is nothing
they can’t tell you, in case they ever are at risk and need someone to
confide in.

12 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE

CHAPTER 3 • Children who are victims of sexual abuse can suffer many serious WHAT IS ABUSE & WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF IT?
health effects, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, eating
What is Abuse & What are the Effects of It?What is sexual assault? disorders, somatization, neurosis, chronic pain, sexualized behavior,
learning problems, animal cruelty, self-destructive behavior, suicide,
Many people have been misinformed or mis-educated about what is antisocial behavior, sleeping difficulties and/or nightmares, angry
considered sexual assault and what is not. Before we can effectively outbursts, not wanting to be left alone, and further victimization into
prevent the sexual assault of our children we need to first understand adulthood. However, not all victims show behavioral changes. B

3what it is and what its effects are. Below is a comprehensive listing of • Sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse, negatively and permanently
what sexual assault of children is. affects the physical development of a child’s brain. These ph ysical
changes result in psychological and emotional problems in adulthood. I
• Child sex abuse includes body contact, such as kissing and oral,
anal, or vaginal sex. Sex abuse can also include “flashing” or • U.S. researchers have found that women who were sexually abused
showing private parts, forcing children to watch pornography, as girls repeatedly have a 62% percent higher risk of heart problems
voyeurism (trying to look at a child’s naked body), pressuring later in life compared with other women who were not abused. Much
children for sex, having sex in front of children, and exploiting of the risk was related to coping strategies, such as alcohol abuse,
children for pornography or prostitution. I overeating, and drug abuse. B

• “Child-on-child sexual abuse” occurs when a prepubescent child It is important that you remember that your child’s perception is reality,
is abused sexually by another child or children. Often, the child and even micro indecencies to their boundaries are still indecencies and
perpetrator has been sexually victimized by an adult previously. should be addressed by you as their advocate and proactive parent.
“Inter-sibling abuse” occurs when one sibling molests his/her
own sibling. E If you suspect abuse because your child has shown signs of it or alluded
to it, you must approach the topic gently, no matter how alarmed you
• Child abusers often do not use physical force but instead “groom” are. If an assault has occurred, the child is likely already overcome
or use manipulative tactics, such as buying gifts, arranging special by shame, and if they sense urgency or alert in you, they will feel
activities, exposing children to pornography, and roughhousing to responsibility and can be further traumatized. Any conversation that
keep a child engaged with and often confused about the abuser’s would lead to questioning of your child should begin with, “I love you so
motives. E very much! My most important job is to love and protect you from anything
that could hurt you. If something got past me and a piece of your heart has
What are the effects? been taken, I want you to know that you would NEVER be in trouble for it,
The negative effects on a child who has been assaulted can be wide- because it is impossible that it could be your fault. I just want to help fix it
reaching, and the child may continue to suffer them through adulthood with a lot of love, if you will let me. Can we talk about it?”
if they are not properly addressed. While all symptoms listed below may
not manifest in each survivor, we have provided a few effects to help Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 15
illustrate the severity of abuse on a child’s mind, body and overall
well-being:

14 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE

CHAPTER 4 This requires hard conversations that we are not accustomed to having, CREATING BOUNDARIES FOR & WITH YOUR CHILD
and accepting the possibility that friends and family may look at us
Creating Boundaries for & with Your Child differently.

When you force a child to hug, touch or kiss even a close family We must overcome our own fears of being perceived as “overprotective,”
member after you have told them that they have the right to “paranoid” or “fearful,” in the interest of teaching our children to protect
decide who touches their body, then the boundary you put in themselves when we are not there to do it for them. Aunt Edna may be
place has been broken and you are now sending them mixed severely offended when you don’t insist with her that your child sit on
Uncle Bill’s lap at Easter. You need to be okay with that, and teach your
4signals. child that they have a right to refuse physical contact with anyone at
any time. Remember that this applies to all family members, not just
Sexual abuse is largely about power over someone else. SAFE Hearts is the ones you are uncomfortable with. When you force a child to hug,
here to help you teach your child to be empowered so that they cannot touch or kiss even a close family member after you have told them that
be powered over. The most important gift we can give our children in our they have the right to decide who touches their body, then the boundary
efforts toward prevention is good strong boundaries. you put in place has been broken and you are now sending them mixed
Boundaries are CRITICAL to your child’s safety and understanding when signals. They have a right to say no, and you must stand up for that child
they are in danger, even when something doesn’t seem dangerous. even if it means hurting others’ feelings. Boundary conversations can be
broken into pieces and should be gauged and crafted according to the
16 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE child’s age.

When do I start talking to my child about this?
It is never too early to start teaching your child about their body
boundaries. As soon as your child begins talking, you should begin
teaching them about their private body parts by referring to them with
their anatomical names. When a predator is corrected by a child after
referencing their body part with a playful term, it quickly alarms that
predator, indicating that this child 1) has open communication with a
protective parent and 2) is not the naïve or easy target that they had
hoped for. Teaching children the names of their body parts also gives
them the language to ask questions and express concerns about those
body parts.

Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 17

CHAPTER 4 Additional Points to Consider CREATING BOUNDARIES FOR & WITH YOUR CHILD
Typically, we think of or talk about sexual abuse as occurring between
How do I explain what a private part is? a young child and an adult who is a stranger or a familiar “too good to
Private body parts are areas of the body that are typically covered be true adult.” The reality is that sexual abuse can occur between peers,
by a swimsuit. These areas are not to be seen or touched by anyone with a sibling, or with a sibling of a peer.
else. A private part can also be an area that your body tells you is off Exploration of and curiosity about a child’s own body and those of
limits. Any time that anyone touches them and it gives them a funny others is common in the developmental process. However, if you
feeling inside, their body is telling them something is wrong. The same become aware of this type of contact, you will still want to discuss
goes for respecting other people’s private parts. These areas are not privacy and the importance of boundaries with bodies with your child,
for the child’s viewing and they should never be talked or tricked into without shaming. You may want to seek the guidance of a professional
participating in looking or touching another person’s private body parts. to thoroughly understand normal child development and how to respond
Coercion is the deal breaker. It is absolutely okay for them to say no and in your specific situation. Each state has laws that determine if a sexual
leave immediately, no matter who the tricky person is. abuse incident is considered reportable when sexual contact occurs
between minors.
How do I explain who is safe and who is not?
No one should touch your child’s body without permission. You can Notes:
reinforce this principle by reiterating at bath time that you are the only
person who has permission to touch their private parts. You and the Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 19
child should set bathing boundaries about who may bathe them and
when. Once the child is able to bathe alone, they should earn the right of
being shielded from the view of even parents, if they choose.

How do I establish boundaries for my child when I am not with them?
Bathroom experiences are some of the first that our children are
exposed to without us being with them. Whether in the preschool
bathroom or the water park locker room, it is important that you reiterate
to your child that no one belongs in a bathroom stall with them and
no one has the right to invade their personal space when they are
undressed or undressing. While the buddy system may seem effective
due to the “safety in numbers” principle, it should also be considered
a possible opportunity for areas of concern. Very little conversation
is considered necessary in public restrooms or changing rooms, so
discouraging your child from communicating with others altogether in
the restroom may be a good family safety rule.

18 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE

CHAPTER 5 • Let your child know that if someone touches or talks to them in GUIDELINES FOR PREVENTION
ways that make them feel uncomfortable or scared, it should never
Guidelines for PreventionYou yourself may be reading this because you personally encountered stay a secret.

some form of sexual abuse or someone you know may have, including • Explain to your child that secrets lead to sadness, so your home
your own child. When we think of sexual abuse, typically we think of should be a secret-free, safe place. This means they can share
adults perpetrating acts on minors. This is one form of abuse. Other any secret that is sexual in nature without getting into trouble or
being shamed.
5forms include exposure to sexual content or requests for private body
parts to be exposed in return for items, favors, special treatment, safety • Talk openly about sexuality and sexual abuse to teach your child
or friendship. Our job as parents includes arming our children while still that these topics do not need to be off-limits or secretive.
maintaining their innocence. We want them to have permission to stand
up for themselves and the privacy of their bodies. • Let your child know that you will always believe them, and praise
them when they report unsafe situations to you.
• Let children know that other people should not be touching or
looking at their private parts unless they need to touch them • Remember that all this information should not be put into one
to provide care (i.e. a physician, nurse or medical technician). big “talk” about sex. Talking about sexuality and sexual abuse
If someone does need to touch them in those private areas, a should be routine conversations. Use everyday issues to begin
parent or trusted caregiver should be present. conversations, to help avoid the big uncomfortable “talk” about sex.

• Teach your child that they are in charge of their body and nobody • Trust your child’s intuition. If they don’t want to be left
should touch their private parts, or in any other place that makes somewhere or with someone, make a change of plans even if it is
them feel confused, weird or uncomfortable. inconvenient or you think that they are overreacting.

• Explain that if anyone at any time breaches any of the • Make it very clear that clothes must always stay on at friends’ houses.
boundaries you have set with your child, the child should tell a
trusted adult immediately. • Explain that no one should ever take pictures of them with any
of their private parts showing and they should never be shown
• Reiterate that it is okay to say “no” to touches that make your photos of other people naked or showing private parts.
child uncomfortable or scared.
• A good general rule for children is no playing in the master
• Reinforce this by respecting your child’s boundaries in play, bedroom of any home at any time.
teasing and affection. If they ask you to stop or say “no,” show
them that they have the power to be heard by heeding their request. • Discuss your safety rules and remind the child that they should
be followed both at their own home and anyone else’s home.
• Assure your child that it is okay to get help, even if someone he
or she cares about might be upset or embarrassed. • Have a code word your child can say to you over the phone in
the event they are uncomfortable and want to leave without
• Understand that a child telling a trusted adult about an incident feeling embarrassed.
can lead to a slightly embarrassing situation for you, your child
and those involved. Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 21

20 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE

CHAPTER 6 • Do you have older children and will they or their friends PARENT-TO-PARENT PREVENTION
be present?
Parent-to-Parent PreventionOne of the primary prevention guidelines is to never leave your child • Are you expecting any other guests while my child is in
your home?
with someone you have not done your due diligence to question • Where are the kids allowed to play and not allowed to play in
in advance about arrangements while your child is in their care. your home?
Conversations of this nature with our own children are uncomfortable • If you have weapons in your home are they in a secured safe?
• Are there parental controls on all electronic devices in the home?
6enough, so it is easy to worry that others may be offended when we • Is there any adult content in the home that my child could
have these conversations with them. Although it may be very awkward come across?
for you, without taking these preventative steps the outcome could be • Are there any alcohol or prescription narcotics in the home
devastating. Ultimately, your child’s safety is much more important than accessible to children?
your comfort level. • Is TV and internet use monitored?

So now that we are all in agreement, here is some helpful content that • What safety rules do you have in your house that I can reinforce
could help you navigate those discussions. with my child in advance?

You can have this conversation in person, by phone or even message Many parents choose to have a “no slumber party” policy for their
with the following dialogue and questions: children, to eliminate any chance of overnight occurrences. Some only
allow them in their own home with supervision. If you do chose to allow
“Hello (Parent)! your child to participate in slumber parties, we suggest you include
(Your child) is very excited about the idea of a play date with (their child). these questions as well:
I hope it is okay that I ask you a few questions first. Please know that I mean
no judgment at all in asking, and I realize I may seem paranoid or over- • How many children are invited and who?
cautious. However, as uncomfortable as it is for me to ask or risk offending • What are the sleeping arrangements?
you (and please forgive me if I do), I’m sure you would agree that the • Does your home have carbon monoxide alarms?
safety of our kids is far more important than any of that. We use the SAFE • Does your home have a security alarm?
Hearts Proactive Parent prevention guidelines, so I ask everyone I leave my
child(ren) with their recommended questions, to be vigilant about safety. Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 23
I really appreciate you taking the time to answer, and I look forward to
hearing back so that we can get this scheduled for the kids!”
• Who will be watching the children?
• Will you/they be staying at your home the entire time?
• Who will be in the home while the children are there?

22 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE

CHAPTER 7 • Self-injurious behavior KNOWING THE WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE
• Suicide attempts
Knowing the Warning Signs of AbuseSigns of abuse can vary from person to person due to a number of
Some children may show no signs of abuse at all, but any concerns
psychological, cultural, socio-economic, religious, gender and age about abuse should never be dismissed. As a parent, you should always
differences. The signs of and responses to an abusive event or series follow your instincts and investigate.
of events that are listed below are general in nature. They may occur
Human trafficking is another growing problem throughout the world
7immediately or there may be a delayed response. It is important to be and it is happening prevalently in cities in the United States. Human
the eyes and ears for the safety of your child in watching for changes in trafficking is the criminal act of modern day slavery that forces
demeanor, behavior or habits. If you suspect something has occurred, individuals against their will into severely vulnerable situations where
seek support from a trusted professional for guidance. they are subject to forced labor, sexual exploitation or prostitution.
Poverty can be a factor, but victims come from a range of income levels and
Possible Signs of Abuse: many come from families with higher socioeconomic status. K
• Change in appearance, mood, behavior
• Sudden appetite changes including refusal to eat, binging or Unfortunately, a majority of those being coerced or forced into sex
hoarding food trafficking and/or prostitution are young children and teens. Some
• Dramatic mood swings children may be solicited online; others may be runaway/missing
• Writes, plays or draws sexualized or violent content children. According to research from wearethorn.org, 81% of respondents
• Frequent yeast or bladder infections that were not present before reported meeting their controller in person. 77% of those who met their
• Redness, rashes or swelling in genital area controller online were 18 years old or younger. L Many of these initial
• Stomach pain solicitations from a predator can happen online, often leading to a
• Blood evidence in underwear personal meeting. Listen to your gut if you suspect your child may be
• Negative talk about themselves or their body talking with someone online, and always investigate with whom they
• Unexplained difficulty with sleep or nightmares are talking. (See ‘Online Solicitation’ in Chapter 11)
• Difficulty swallowing
• Leaves clues or attempts conversation about abuse: Common Warning Signs of Human Trafficking:
“I have a friend…” • Child has a significant other they have only met online
• Has unexplained money, toys or gifts • Appears disconnected from friends, family, community and worship
• Displays adult-like sexualized behavior • Child has stopped attending school
• Lack of physical boundaries with others
• Develops new fear of specific people or places Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 25

24 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE

• Dramatic, sudden change in behavior CHAPTER 8 THE FORK IN THE ROAD: WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?
• Communication appears to be coached
• Appears submissive or fearful of a situation or specific person The Fork in the Road: What Do You Do Now?
• Appears confused or disoriented about surroundings or area
they live in An irreversible imprint is made on the heart and psyche of a child
• Child displays adult-like sexualized behavior when a sexual assault occurs. We explain this to children throughout
• Lack of personal possessions the SAFE Hearts storybooks using the following illustrations:
• Nervous to freely leave where they live
• Physical bruising 8Every child is born with a whole heart. It is our job as
Keep your eyes open in your community for potential signs of human parents to empower them to defend it. We do this by
trafficking. Raising your voice could make a difference for so many.
having critical conversations regularly about body
Notes:
boundaries and warning signs, and by messaging
26 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE
proactive protection over them through observant

parenting and taking precautions. This is the goal for

all children, and it is celebrated throughout the SAFE

Hearts storybooks. Children also can receive and wear

THE DEFENDED their SAFE Hearts Heart Defender Badge to share

HEART awareness for family empowerment with other family

members and friends.

When an assault has occurred or a child shares the

news of a past assault, the parents’ response is critical

to the assaulted heart. This is what we refer to as the

“fork in the road” for the child’s future. A piece of your

child’s figurative heart has been stolen, and they need

your support now more than ever. Do not respond with

shock or horror. Your child must not sense any disgust

from you, despite the events that took place. Do not

THE ASSAULTED add to any shame they are feeling by dismissing them,

HEART silencing them or even showing disappointment. Their

fragile heart must be handled very gently with love to

find healing. They have come to you because you are

safe for them and can help them restore their heart.

Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 27

This occurs when a child has suffered in silence over CHAPTER 9 SEEKING A QUALIFIED PROFESSIONAL
the secret they haven’t told, or when the child has told
THE ASHAMED but the parent expressed a negative response or was Seeking a Qualified ProfessionalIf you are in a position to seek professional services for your child based
HEART non-responsive altogether. This is the most dangerous
heart for a child to be left with. The most vulnerable on a suspicion or confirmation of abuse, you can ask for a referral from
and private piece of their core has been violated in the your pediatrician or your own general practice physician. You can also
assault. They are now left in shame, and that can lead contact your insurance company for a list of approved providers and
to destruction, even into adulthood, as the victim seeks
any source that will silence that shame. Figuratively, 9review their online profile to determine if their professional credentials
this is the shattered heart, riven with cracks of lies and and experience meet your need. You may want to consider a counselor,
shame. Here lies our opportunity as parents to help turn therapist, or social worker trained in play therapy, trauma processing or
ashes into beauty and help them regain a whole and similar modalities that are evidence-based interventions specific to the
now healed heart. treatment of children.
Know that all teachers, physicians, counselors, therapists, social workers
THE HEALED If we come to the fork in the road, the goal for our child’s and related professionals are Mandated Reporters who are therefore
HEART assaulted heart is for us to help them repair it. With required to report to authorities any reasonable suspicion of abuse
the help of a loving, supportive, fully accepting parent with a reasonably identifiable victim. You can ask to be involved in that
or trusted adult, the child can take back the piece of process if you would like. You may also report abuse to the police or your
their heart that was stolen, figuratively stitch that piece state Child Protective Services agency yourself.
back into place where it belongs, and heal that heart
so it is once again whole and defended. It is important Resources in your area:
to explain to the child that the piece will heal right back
where it was, but there will always be a scar where that Damsel in Defense is proud to give 5% of all SAFE Hearts product proceeds
stitch was made. This scar does not define them, but towards funding counseling services for those affected by childhood
it is a reminder to us of how important it is to keep our sexual assault. (That includes the Proactive Parent Guide you are
heart defended. currently reading!)

As a parent, your involvement during this process is vital for your child’s Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 29
heart to heal. Although it may be difficult and potentially painful, your
reaction, positive or negative, will impact your child’s well-being after
an incident has occurred. We have provided you with this simple visual
rubric, hoping it removes the fear of these conversations and helps you
explain what can happen to your child’s heart.

28 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE

CHAPTER 10 may produce a different response that can be exposed and proactively WHY ROLE PLAY IS IMPORTANT
discussed. Depending on your child’s age, role playing may or may not
Why Role Play is Important look like one of the following scenarios:

Role playing may produce a different response that can be EXAMPLE #1 | YounGer Girl
exposed and proactively discussed. After using this approach,
the conversation has been opened up for you to see where You: “Anna, let’s pretend for a moment Mommy is your best friend Riley
and we are playing in the backyard alone.”
10potential weaknesses are that need reinforcement from you. Anna: “Okay.”
You as Riley: “Anna, guess what? My mom just bought me new big girl
Many parents ask “what if” questions to see if their child will make the undies and I’m wearing them. I want to show them to you.”
safest and smartest choices. We can attempt to ingrain situational Anna: “Ummm. No, thank you.”
responses into our children by telling them how they should respond, but You as Riley: “Why? They are just like the swim suit you saw me wearing
we can also test their decision-making abilities with role playing. It is one at my house. You hurt my feelings, Anna. You are supposed to be my
thing to ask your child, “Okay, Anna, what do you do if a friend asks to show best friend.”
you their underwear?” Based on previous discussions, her response will Anna: “Mommy, this is hard. I don’t want to hurt Riley’s feelings. Can I let
likely be “Say no and go tell a grown-up right away.” However, role playing her show me?”

30 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE EXAMPLE #2 | YounGer Boy

You: “Jakey, let’s pretend that Mommy is Dawson from your class and we
are going to the bathroom in the buddy system together at school.”
Jake: “Okay, Mom.”
You as Dawson: “Jake, come here. We can both pee in this toilet.”
Jake: (Giggles) “Why?”
You as Dawson: “Because I want to show you something my big brother
showed me how to do.”

Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 31

Jake: “Uhhh. Tell me what it is first.” Mariah: (Squirming uncomfortably) “Uh, mom says I’m not supposed to WHY ROLE PLAY IS IMPORTANT
You as Dawson: “No, you’re gonna ruin it. You come in here or I am go into grown-ups’ bedrooms.”
coming in there.” You as Uncle Davis: “Mariah, I’m your uncle and your mom isn’t here.
Jake: “Mom, I would just go look so he would leave me alone. I wouldn’t Please listen to me, I’m not feeling well, so you can watch a movie
pee in there though.” while I rest.”
Mariah: “Ummm, okay. I think Mom would say okay if you’re not
EXAMPLE #3 | Older Boy feeling well.”

You: “David, let’s pretend that I am Charlie, your best friend’s older All of these responses indicate more discussion is needed. After using
brother, and he wants to play hide and seek with you and your best this approach, the conversation has been opened up for you to see
friend, Dylan.” where potential weaknesses are that need reinforcement from you.
David: “Okay.” Without this role-playing approach, you might not see the possible
You as Charlie: “Hey, I know something fun we can do! Let’s play hide and breaches in your child’s protection.
seek! We can hide from Dylan together.” Enticement, peer pressure and curiosity are always possible
David: “Okay, I guess.” weaknesses. They should be incorporated into role-playing to test
You as Charlie: “Let’s hide in the closet. Maybe we can hold hands, too, your child’s willpower and resistance. Run through these role-playing
like I do with my other friends.” exercises often with your child, and don’t be afraid to use those close to
David: “Mom, why would he want to hold my hand? I think that’s weird. you as characters in different scenarios.
Am I supposed to say ‘okay’ or ‘no’?”
Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 33
EXAMPLE #4 | Older Girl

You: “Mariah, let’s pretend that I am your Uncle Davis and you are at his
house without Mom or Dad.”
Mariah: “Okay, I love Uncle Davis’ house!”
You as Uncle Davis: “Mariah, would you like to lay down on my bed and
watch a movie with me?”

32 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE

CHAPTER 11 our child a mobile device, whether a tablet or a smartphone, they have PROTECTING YOUR CHILD’S EYES IN A DIGITAL WORLD
a direct access to pornography in their hands. With these devices we
Protecting Your Child’s Eyes in a Digital World are putting our child at the wheel of a vehicle they are not yet prepared
to drive, and it could quickly be more than they can control. Whether
In today’s mobile era, we need to understand that when we give it is out of curiosity or by accident, they are bound to come across
our child a mobile device, whether a tablet or a smartphone, something that will violate their innocent hearts. Pornographic images
they have a direct access to pornography in their hands. With are seared to the memory banks of children and create a root of
these devices we are putting our child at the wheel of a vehicle temptation that can lead to curiosity and possible addiction.

11they are not yet prepared to drive, and it could quickly be more The demographic with the highest use of internet pornography is children ages
than they can control. 12-17; most boys will seek out internet pornography by the age of 10.J Internet
accountability should be a topic in every family. If you know that your
Pornography children are curious or searching for that type of content, it can prompt
In the highly visual world we live in, threats to our children’s hearts important conversations at home.
can be here and gone without a trace as technology advances. As
responsible parents, none of us would send our children to their rooms Social media sites like Facebook and Instagram allow parental controls
with a TV mounted to the wall with access to a pornographic channel. and monitoring, but there are also extremely problematic popular apps
Yet in today’s mobile era, we need to understand that when we give like Twitter, Snapchat, Kik, Tinder and Grinder with very limited parental
controls, where anything goes. Even websites with image searches, like
34 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE Google, and video searches, like YouTube, can be huge threats to the
eyes and heart of your child.

Online Solicitation
Another growing crime against children is online solicitation. Eighty-
six percent of girls claimed to conduct online chats without their parents
knowing; 54% conducted an online relationship. N Many predators may
communicate kindly at first, enticing those who are vulnerable into a
false relationship of trust. The solicitation occurs when these adults
knowingly persuade the child or teen to engage in sexual activity or
talk. They may even propose an opportunity to meet in person. These
signs are instant red flags that the situation is dangerous. Interestingly
enough, 75% of children are willing to share personal information online

Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 35

about themselves and their family in exchange for goods and services. O • Stealing passwords to social media accounts PROTECTING YOUR CHILD’S EYES IN A DIGITAL WORLD
Since most children and teens are saturated with cellphone, tablet • Posing as the victim to send hurtful messages to others
or laptop use, knowing who they are talking to and keeping them • Sending threatening emails, messages, text messages to the victim
safe from online predators is an incredible need. Always be aware of • Threatening to blackmail the victim
whom your child interacts with online. If you notice your child may Common Lasting Effects of Cyberbullying:
be involved with a secretive significant other or friend, follow your • Intense feelings of loneliness, sadness and low self-esteem
instincts and investigate. • Normal patterns of sleeping and eating disrupted
• Loss of interest in school; poor grades, skipping or dropping out
Cyberbullying • Alcohol or drug use
Cyberbullying can be as harmful to your child’s heart as any other • Self-harm and/or suicidal thoughts and behaviors
topic we’ve discussed. Again, easy access to mobile devices and the As parents, we must take a proactive approach to having these
internet has made this form of bullying much more commonplace. conversations with our children about internet safety and accountability
As with typical bullying, cyberbullying is about power and intent to and go the extra step to put internet accountability measures in place.
harm, whether emotionally and/or physically. The unique ability for a Great websites that can help you with this include covenanteyes.com,
bully to hide behind a screen makes this type of attack much easier x3watch.com and teensafe.com. It may not be popular with your growing
to achieve. Eighty-three percent of girls and 79% of boys report being children, but privacy should be viewed as a privilege that is earned
bullied either in school or online. P in your household. The intention is not to spy but to hold your child
accountable for protecting their heart. Your role is to coach, guide and
Those who cyberbully may think they are merely being funny, lead them to keep their defended heart intact.
attempting to elevate themselves amongst their classmates,
or are acting out to cope with struggles at home. Nevertheless, Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 37
the psychological effects on the victim can last on throughout
adulthood. Cyberbullying victims are at a very real risk for anxiety,
depression and even suicidal thoughts.

Common Cyberbully Attacks Include:
• Name-calling, teasing, playing jokes
• Spreading false rumors or lies
• Sending emails/texts with embarrassing content publicly
• Insults about race, weight, gender or sexual orientation

36 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE

CHAPTER 12 • Use the modality your child best understands to educate him or UNDERSTANDING ABUSE IN CHILDREN WITH DISABILITIES
her about being safe and about normal social models of friendship.
Understanding Abuse in Children with Disabilities • Teach your child about body boundaries and appropriate physical
touch; define those boundaries with your child.
Children who live with a physical, sensory, intellectual or • Help your child discover how they can make courageous
mental health disability are among the most stigmatised and decisions when they feel threatened or uncomfortable.
marginalised of the entire world’s children. While all children • Consider using hidden safety cameras within your home.
are at risk of being victims of violence, disabled children find
When compared to typically-developing children, those with disabilities
12themselves at significantly increased risk because of stigma, of any level may disclose abuse less frequently and often delay
negative traditional beliefs and ignorance. M disclosure. The signs of abuse will differ from child to child. Some
children may not be able to verbalize their distress. Shyness, fear or
The full extent of the sexual abuse of children with disabilities is anxiety could mask communication that something is wrong. You know
relatively unknown because it most often goes unreported. Research your child’s normal behavior best. Do not dismiss incongruent behaviors,
shows that disabled children are three times more likely to be abused than as they may be non-verbal disclosure of potential abuse. Use your best
non-disabled children. M The word “disability” can cover a multitude of judgment to determine what may be contributing factors to the behavior.
meanings with varying degrees of severity. Our hope, however, is to offer Always report and seek help for your child if you do find evidence of
a broad perspective to safeguard the children who may need extra help abuse or if something is amiss.
understanding the topic of sexual abuse.
As stated previously in chapter nine, there are many ways to seek help
There are many factors that contribute to the increased risk of our loved if you find abuse has already happened. Begin by utilizing the same
ones with disabilities experiencing sexual abuse. Many children with avenues of reporting abuse as you would with any other child. As you
disabilities do not have an understanding of basic consult with your general physician or other resources, you can be
safety needs and boundaries. Most are dependent on other people referred to specific therapies, counselors or social workers that are
for assistance, whether for mobilization, verbalization, basic needs, appropriate for the developmental needs of your child.
therapies, communication or social skills. Some children may lack the
capacity to avoid or resist abuse due to their incapacities. Some may Creative therapies can potentially contribute to safeguarding by providing
also have an inability to comprehend that what happened was not okay children with opportunities to express themselves through indirect and non-
or even to ask for help. Reoccurring abuse is also more common due to verbal means, particularly when it is hard for them to express themselves
the same factors. Remember, 95% of children know their molesters G; these linguistically. M
children are no exception. Awareness of the problem, and the signs to
identify it, is the key to fighting it. Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 39

Here are some tips to empower your family and children with disabilities:
• Safeguard your family by making sure the caregivers or staff with
whom your child interacts are well-vetted and highly trustworthy

38 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE

CONCLUSION RESOURCE LIST

You’ve made it through! We understand the information contained within A “Child Abuse and Neglect Statistics.” U.S. Department of Health & Human
this Proactive Parent Guide can feel overwhelming, both factually and Services. 2011. Accessed: December 28, 2011.
emotionally. Yet, we cannot back down from the commitment to both
educate and protect our loved ones. With this education comes much
responsibility for action.
We encourage you to share the SAFE Hearts series with other parents B “Child Sexual Abuse.” Medline Plus. 2011. Accessed: December 28, 2011.
and family members when the timing is right for you. The more
awareness that you share about this tough subject amongst the circle C “Child Sexual Abuse Fact Sheet.” NCTSN. Accessed: December 28, 2011.
of those that surround your child, the more it has the ability to empower
and save both your child and theirs from a potential threat. Together, D Doak, Melissa J. 2011. Child Abuse and Domestic Violence. New York, NY: Gale
we can be a strong force for change in reducing the startling statistics Cengage Learning.
that affect so many children with the hope to give them a full and happy
childhood free of fear or pain. E Floric, MaryLee and Matthew Broyles. 2012. Sexual Abuse. New York, NY: The
We are excited to share awareness for family empowerment on a Rosen Publishing Group, Inc.
variety of additional topics including gun safety and bullying. Keep in
contact with your Independent Damsel Pro to learn about other SAFE F “Global Prevalence of Child Sexual Abuse.” Journalist’s Resource. November 15,
Hearts storybooks and Proactive Parent Guide topics available in 2011. Accessed: December 28, 2011.
future releases.
G “Megan’s Law: Facts about Sex Offenders.” Office of the Attorney General. 2001.
40 SAFE Hearts | PROACTIVE PARENT GUIDE Accessed: December 28, 2011.

H “Protect Children from Sexual Predators in Your Area.” National Alert Registry.
2011. Accessed: December 28, 2011.

I Vieth, Victor I, Bette L. Bottoms, and Alison Perona. 2006. Ending Child Abuse:
New Efforts in Prevention, Investigation, and Training. New York, NY: The Ha



Lenhart, A. (2012, March 19). Communication choices. Retrieved April 15,

J 2015 from the Pew Research Internet Project: pewinternet.org/2012/03/19/
communication-choices/

K humantraffickinghotline.org

L wearthorn.org “Report on the Use of Technology to Recruit, Groom and Sell
Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking Victims, Thorn, 2015”

M nspcc.org.uk

N guardchild.com
0 safewave.org
P nobullying.com

Having the ‘kid-versations’ that count, before they’re counted. 41