MOM'S LOVE

1

CHAPTER I
DEPTH OF MISERY

I never imagine that these strings of words are
expressed from my mind. These series of words reflect
my emotion from my body and soul. I realize that this is
the real life I have to undergo during my lifetime. I feel
like I’ve just started entering a hell upon earth since I
lost a part of my soul.

I lost my third baby boy when he was seven
months in my womb. I think that my life will never be as
usual because of this intense grief after losing my baby. I
wish he would be the second pillar of my life. But,
eventually, I fail to give birth a healthy baby.

The following twenty poems represent my emotion
towards my dearly baby as a part of my heart and soul. I
only express these strings of words as a memory that
I’ve ever lived with him.

Happy reading!

2

A glimpse of happiness

In my thought, you have a heart
To give me such a heavy test
Don’t You think?
how much pain I suffer
Joy you grant is only in a flash
Bearing pain and grief all of my life
This wound will always be attached to my soul
Is this the way to wake me up?
I wonder why happiness fades away
Hope, love and life are flying away
I wonder when I will catch them again
Will you give me a chance to reach?
My life is now in dire straits
Life is not a bed of roses
To get my heaven back
Is going to be an uphill climb

3

Give him back to me

As if it’s my last breath
When you are flying away
Leaving me in an emptiness
Leading me to have a sinking heart
A million words won’t bring you back
A million tears won’t be in my embrace anymore
To hug, to hold and to kiss you
Are just out of this world
Lord, give him back to me
Heal this wounded heart and soul
A heavy heart will be in me
‘cause a big part of my life
Has vanished from this world

4

Full moon shocking

Can’t imagine it’s out of the blue
My heartbeat, my bloodstream and my brain
as though stops in a wink
Source and hope of my life have gone to blazes
Beyond my wildest dream
The charm of moonlight has been
Your departure from this world
I have to put up with you to heaven
The beauty of full moon
Has been a witness I lose you
Leaving me flooded with tears
Flowing on and on
My chest aches
My heart and soul are cripple
My flesh and bone are broken into pieces

5

Without You

Tell me
How I can go on my life
Tell me
How I can face this world
Tell me
How I can stand without you in my side

I feel so lonely
I feel so empty
I feel so lost
Without you within my heart and soul

Without you
My world is so quiet
My life will be so cold

Without you
My life is like a boat without water
My life is like a bird without wings

I can’t get you out of my head
Your shadow haunts me in my every step
I can’t find my way
I’m lost in all the darkness

6

Half of my soul is gone

Hell upon earth is on me
You come and go away at once
I can’t bear to lose you
It really hurts to separate
As our soul is tightly bonded

I’m down in the dumps
I’ve got a face like a wet week-end
Hope this change into a beautiful gift one day

I think I can’t heal my heart
Till the time comes when I can ease my soul
But, when will it be?
Perhaps, this wound will always be for all time

Half of my soul is gone
I will always shed tears
when I look into the picture of you

Half of my heart is dead
I’ll be filled with emptiness
When there is no sun shining my days

7

Missing You

Oh dear …
When I look into your face
You truly reduce me to tears
I can’t help with this tormenting emotion
No matter how I’ve tried
It can’t be concealed

I wish you were here by my side
To hug, to hold and to kiss
I have no single moment without missing you
I miss every single part of your body

Oh dear …
There’s emptiness inside me
As you’re not in my soul anymore
My heart aches for you
My mind is full of thoughts of you
You leave me swimming on a sea of loneliness

If I knew it was the last time I saw you
I would hug you tighter
I would kiss you longer
Just the way to tell you that
How much I love you
How much I miss you
I miss you more than I say

8

Healing my soul

Who will heal my pain?
Is it time?
Time can heal the wound but not the scars
When I’m down
When I’m weary of thinking of you
Strings of your music are the moonlight
Illuminating the gloom of my life
Without listening to your melody
My spirit, my power, my energy are so frail
I can hardly open and close my eyes
I can hardly walk on earth
In the deepest corner of my mind
This hurt will never be cured
Till I play the tunes during my lifetime
That will be a remedy of my soul forever and ever

9

A Portrait of You

Though a thousand tears inundate my face
I still have a strong desire
to gaze into the portrait of you
my heart sinks every time I see you

Every time I close and open my eyes
There is only the shadow of your sweet face
I smile at you and give warm kiss
Upon your stunning face

How much I love you
How much I miss you
How much I care for you
How much I have affection for you

I’m completely tongue-tied
The pain is deep inside my heart
Residing at the bottom of my soul
And never goes away

The angels descended and took you
My nightmare is no more a fancy
They took a part of my life
My future, my hope and my offspring

10

My Little One

Your coming inspires love and wonder
In the eyes of me
Your charisma shines my heart and soul
In the dusk of life

You shower the bliss on me in a heartbeat
You grant me hope in the twinkling of an eye
You wake my spirit up in a flash
You blaze me bright tomorrow like a lightening

Oh, my little one
I want you to know how much you meant
I need you to know how much I cherish what God sent
I just want to say how much I suffer since you’re gone

Oh my little one mind and
Your memories always flow in my
bloodstream
The tears will never be going to end
Filling up my eyes and flawing my face

Oh my little one
I pray that you’re happy
I pray that you’re safe
I pray that you’re always in His arm

Guide me to face this world

11

Reality of life

I absolutely deny this real truth
The loss of you made my heart tear into pieces

My world has completely been in blues
My tears come up every moment
I’m in doubt my heart will heal body and soul
I can’t believe this is real

How can I go on without you by my side?
How can I stand on my two feet without you?

You are the sun and moon to me
I can’t bear to be apart from you
I can’t black out the time you left
You’ll always be around me

Lord, please listen to my pray
Bring him back to me

An ill-fated mother needs to ease mind
A mourning mother wants to share joy

12

Want to see you

If only heaven has a door
I would knock it to see you, my dear
To give you a hug and kiss
If only God allow me to get in touch
I would ask whether you’re happy, safe and peaceful
In Nirvana where you have returned
God rest my own little’s soul
The earth is not your place
You’re up in the sky
Being glittering stars lighting the gloomy night
My eyes never stop searching for you in the sky
I count on your care and support from Heaven
You’re in the arms of Almighty now
I do hope that you’re fine

13

In loving Memory of you

To have you as my heir
The most special gift in life
There is no greater happiness and pride than having you

Yet, it’s beyond me you’re back to divine hand
You descend just for showing your face
To get me off in the hell of despair

The moment you come and go away all of sudden
A million times I’ve thought of you
A million times I’ve cried

It hurts to breathe
Every breath I take, your shadow is always on me
You’ll never be wiped away from my memory

For all love and memories
I will hold you till the end of time
Nestled deep in my aching heart

When I recall you
I will look up the sky on a starry night
And search for the most dazzling star
It’s you gleaming down on me

14

Grief of a Mom

My heart still hurts with mourning
Secret tears still flow
My thoughts are with you all the time
No one can alter your place

I imagine the heavy earth covers your face
I figure your body will chip by time
I dream you’re up to Heaven alone
I think of you walk by your own to reach God’s hand

You know, dear …
Those will be my lament for the rest of my life
Can you heal by returning to this world?
No word for the pain and longing your mom feels

You know, dear …
How much I set up for your presence
How much I wait for the happiness
How much I do hope my life with you

It’s merely a fancy now
All goes away
Though you’ve walked through Heaven’s gate
We’re never far apart
For every time I think of you
You’re right here, in the depth of my heart

15

Loss of my precious treasure

Where can I find such a treasure again?
You’ve dumped me into misfortune
Bright blue sky switched into dark clouds
Zephyr turned out to be blizzard
Everything I feel is dull
As if my heartbeat stops for such an abrupt loss
Seven months I kept you safe inside me
I never imagined your life would end
My world is in misery
Whelmed with so much anguish
Finding my vigor back is at my wits’ end
To go out into the world
Yet, I struggle to be strong and keep on breathing
I leave hope alive in my body and soul
I will go on with your precious memories
I will always wait for you till you return

16

An Uphill climb

Losing you is a pain in the neck
I’m like a fish out of water
It hurts to live without you
Time won’t ease what I suffer

How can I escape from this painful grief?
How can I find a way to be strong and tough?
Shall the appealing rainbow lead to a new beginning?
Shall warm radiant sun bring new light?

You were buried in the earth
You were laid out to rest
You were flying up above
You left me on my own in the chamber of emptiness

It’s an uphill climb to face
Why things have to be this way
Why things get out of hand
Sometimes life is just unfair

This time is hell of a day
It’s an uphill climb to relieve the pain
I just need to comfort my breath
Yet, it’s a hardest thing to realize it

17

God’s Plan

This test is really a killer
I’m truly torn to pieces to meet with it
It is a Heavenly plan arranged for us

The bond between my little own and me
Has been untied
You had split us up through a destiny
God picked my flower that didn’t blossom yet
You chose my dearest too soon
To be placed in Your heavenly garden
You have rested the one I praise

My world has changed eternally
Where should I lavish on what I feel?
Is this what you have planned for me?
Is this the plot of my life?

I hope your series of plans are better than my dreams
I wish You returned the one You’ve already taken
I believe you bring my pleasure back

18

Touching my life

A little angel came down on me
You’re a special gift God grant
To touch my entire world
To enliven my whole life

Yet, you went to the next world too early
Leaving me in pain and tears
I’ll spend the rest of my life in misery
Everything on you will always haunt me

I treasure your brief attendance
Even if I could only keep you for a moment
The tenderness of your look, the warmth of your touch
Tell me how much I can’t get you out of my mind and
soul

Spirit gave His arm to you
You’ll never endure the rigor of life
Now, your soul was blessed in peace
Hope the power is on me to bear it

Your soul shined brightly
Lighting up my every single step
Your loving memories are filling me up
May your eternal soul brings comfort and strength

19

Keep Searching

I keep searching for
The place where you have been

I keep searching for
The person to eliminate my fear

I keep searching for
Someone to wipe out my tears

I keep searching for
The thing to cure my wound

I keep searching for
The thing to raise me up

I keep searching for
Someone to give him back

I keep searching for
The thing to give me power

I keep searching for
My little one up above the blue sky

I wonder when your face won’t be a shadow
You’re always available around the clock
Shading me wherever and whenever
You’ll be my limelight all the time

20

Would be Perfect

If only you came into this world safely
I would be perfect

If only you were in my arms
I would be prefect

If only you slept by my side
I would be perfect

If only I could stroke your body and soul
I would be perfect

If only I could kiss and hug you
I would be perfect

If only I could hear your cry and laugh
I would be perfect

If only I could see you grow and play
I would be perfect

If only you were the pillar of my future
I would be perfect

If only you were my bright inheritor
I would be perfect

21

Bed of Mourning

This wound is still rooted in my chest
The pillows are soaked with teardrops
When nobody is nearby
I cry for your loss and scream with no sound
I’m lying on the bed of mourning
And almost can’t take breaths
Of shedding quiet tears
My morning to evening is garnished with tearstain
I’m truly down in the mouth
Blues color the room up
Every time I wake up in the morning
I realize that you’re not inside me any more

In the shadow of misery
You whispered ‘goodbye’
I will hide myself from pain sight
Till you touch me through your love

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CHAPTER II

BIRTH OF HOPE

My hope has been gone since my life is in despair.
As if everything I have as the treasure of my life were
also vanished. As though everything I do could not mend
the heart which is full of wounds. Hope is the basis for
me to walk on and carry on my life. No hope means life
in vain. I know my life completely crash but I don’t
know how to ask for help. I only turn to You, God.

Yet, behind this heavy heart, there’s still light at
the end of the tunnel. I attempt to raise my belief that
when I lose my loved one, he is going nowhere but
living in my heart. I believe it might take some days,
weeks, months or even years for me to be alright again
and back to my normal life. I just try to calm down
because God has guaranteed that after blizzard there is
drizzle.

The following ten poems convey my passion when
I lose hope and try to raise me up.

Happy reading!

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Chamber of darkness

The flame of hope goes far
Nothing I can wait
You left me with no trace
I lose my self-belief in all cases
This time I’m just in the chamber of darkness
No light at the end of the tunnel
Where should these two feet step on?
Can I survive in the midst of it?
How can I make this alive again?
So I can stand on the pillar
To keep me going all the way
To avoid the feeling of fright
I’m down and out of life
There is only gloom all around
As if I couldn’t find my way
To get the door and reach my home

24

Getting me killed

Being in this world will be a fake
If there is no dream and desire
Life seems to be a boat with no sail
I wonder why life is so unkind
It injures me and leaves wound scars
What a destiny!
I can’t bear as if it gets me killed gently
No matter how much I try to pursue
I can’t change a fate
When you got away
My dream, my hope also vanished right away
Just like a red rose fades its beauty
Yet, there is still one goal I’ll stand for
To keep you live in my body and soul
With no boundary of space and time

25

Despair

Sorrow and regret visit me incessantly
They never leave me alone
My tomorrow will be cloudy
I don’t know when the sun rises

Yesterday was colored with joy
Today is yet filled with gloom
I think of you and cry on and on
What kind of tomorrow will it be?

I’m in a great despair
It is my worst side of my life
Deep inside my heart full of pain
I lost myself and can’t revive

My hope crushes
My courage cracks
My strength is smelting
Everything will be barren around me

I can’t portray the shape of my heart
My mouth is out of words
As if my soul flies away with you

26

Fight with anguish

Encouraged of scars left on my chest
It helps me out of pain and ready for revival
I’m eager to win the battle
Against my self-harm
Lord, guide and illuminate me
Give me Your hand to escape from this trauma
So I can stand and fight bravely
Going through this agony and beat it
I will revive if I’m shot through with your love
My hurt will also die
My pain will be washed away
I wish you raise me up with your vibration
I wish I can begin a brand new day
I wish I can struggle to live

27

Weary soul

I need for relaxation
To tranquilize my weary soul
I want to inhale fresh air
To boost my energy spent of heavy tears
I wish for your healing hand upon me
To mend my heart breaking into pieces
I do hope your life giving power
To restore my exhausting heart
I’m longing for drops of water
To cleanse and purify my drain soul
I’m hunger for a special medication
To release me from all sicknesses and pain
No matter how hard I face all the burdens
My God, shine me a light to lead me all my ways
Don’t let me down anymore
You’re my only faithful friend whatever I’m

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Fade away

I’ve been in tedious days
For fire in my belly has been extinguished
Only darkness I feel throughout time
Where should I light it up again?
You’re gone and my dream also fades away
My life becomes tough
for there is no point entering my world
all hope on you is gone
I can’t help my tears coming down my face
Your leaving leads me to live with no spirit
I’ve lost in a battle and ready to run off
Yet, I have no idea where I should go
I’m sick and tired of all life troubles
Is this the real life before me?
Too much burden on my shoulders
How can I keep the power alive?

29

Karma

Was I vicious?
Was I faithless?
Was I sinful?
Was I ruthless?
Were all of my deeds against on Thee?
Likely, so many bad tempers in the past
That I have to experience this Karma
How can I pay for what I created?
Can I stop or change it?
I’ve tried to gush kindness and compassion
Hope that no downpour of misfortunes anymore
It is too powerful and great
It’s beyond the grasp of my intention
No manner of deed is out of its realm
Forgive me whatever I might have done in the time

30

I turn to You

When I get disheartened
And my eyes are flooded with tears
I’ll be better if I turn to You

When I judge this life is unfair
As I’m fully loaded with pain
I’ll be relieved if I turn to You

When things are going wrong
And I want to surrender in a battle
I’ll be at ease if I turn to You

When I lose my power
For dream and hope leave me
I’ll be revived if I turn to You

When I’m lost and weak
And can’t walk to find my way
I’ll be strong and tough if I turn to You

Please, listen to my prayers
I believe You can listen and grant me one day

Please, don’t be far away from me
There will be no place where I can lean on

31

Revive my soul

I dwell in the sphere of gloom
That brings me fright and suffering
As I cross the ocean of time
I find a path to turn my face to the light
It seems I can’t find myself anymore
Till no more drops of rain on the clouds
That lights me up and refresh my mind and soul
Don’t let this heart sing into the deep of ocean
God, revive my mind and soul
Guide me to see the way visibly
Lead me into a new hope and delight
Help me to recover this broken spirit
Fill my heart with a blazing zeal
Wake me up to the reality
Give the strength of mind into my life
Load me with your power

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A letter to Thou

Dear God,
Forgive me for what I did
Whining for every path you give to me to pass

Dear God,
Thank you for the grant all this time
Though so much pain befalling me

Dear God,
Give me your light, love, power and wisdom
So I can walk to face this world

Dear God,
Bestow me with the strengths
To keep and preserve this treasure

Dear God,
Help me to pass through this challenging trial
Send me your angels to comfort my world

Dear God,
I need you in my life
Please bring him back to me to heal this wound

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CHAPTER III
POWER OF LOVE

I have to raise my world up after being trapped in a
prolonged torment of losing my baby boy. Without I
realize that I still have a precious one in my life. He is
Radeva, my only son. During my mourn, he was like a
drop of dew soothing my soul. I could share my pain on
him. Surprisingly, he could understand what I felt even
he was only four and half years old. Comfortable words
were spontaneously out of his mouth when trying to
soothe me.

In the following series of poems, I represent the
depth of love and affection for my beloved son through
strings of lovely words. There are no enough words to
describe the extraordinary bond between mom and son.
Having Radeva in my life is the greatest blessing in this
world. He is so powerful and great that I can face this
world.

Happy reading!

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My sunshine

I’m in paradise when you come into my life
I’m as bright as the sun shining the universe
I feel the breathtaking impression of delight
I feel so perfect every time you’re at my side

The air I breathe
The earth I walk on
The water I consume
The wind I sense
Those are you that make me alive
Those are you that brighten up my days

You are my only sunshine
You are my stars up above the sky
You are my world, my life, my day and night
You are my soul, my spirit and my every thing

You mean the world to me
You give me hope when I’m down
You fill me up with precious moments
I’ll go through my ways only with you

I give my strong affection for you
I love you to the moon and back

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I’ll be there for you

You’ll never get lonely
I’m the sun to light you up
The moon to shine your ways in the dark
The shoulder for you to cry on

You’ll never be insecure
I’m the shield to protect you
I’m the reef to block any kinds of barrier
I’m the umbrella for you to shelter

I’ll always be there for you
I’ll give you everything I can
I’ll comfort you with all my love
I’ll strengthen you up with eternal joy

I’ll do everything for you
I’ll lead and guide your way
I’ll sweep your fear away
I’ll fight to achieve your dreams

I’ll always be there to hold your hands
I’ll always be anything you need

36

My breath

A miracle appears in my world
Being a zest to hold breath
That I can stand on this earth
As you become the column of my spirit
An angel descending to save my soul
In the thick of dead night
When I fall in the hollow of melancholy
You come to give your hand
You are my breath from the lung
You are my ups and downs
I can’t imagine without you being here
I’ll be lonely in the gloom of night
I give my life to make you alive
My power is just for safeguarding you
You’ll be my hero in the future
My world will be in your hands

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Unconditional love

Love built since in the womb
Till I hold my breath in this minute
No other diamonds than having you
You are the bless of my world
I can’t portray my passion on you
I’ve run out of words
when my eyes are on you
Gem of my heart is you evermore
It’s you that my heart grows warm
My love for you is unconditional and pure
My love for you has no limit of time and space
It will be with you for all time
I’ll never be weary of caring and watching you grow
I’ll always give my warm heart and hands
To face the storms of life
To get out of the scrape
To cope out with any quandaries

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The greatest thing

My life is to carry on a greatest job
The duty that I have to undergo joyfully
The task that I’d like to complete without any burden
The role I play with full of sincerity

You are the greatest thing dawned on me
Nothing I’d prefer to take a look than your smile
Nothing I’d rather hear than your laughter
Nothing I’d better do than your hilarious action

My precious one
Whatever you need
I’ll never surrender for you
My hands will never be bare to hold you

I’ll never sing the blues
to keep my eye on this heaven gift
Oh my Lord,
Give me the green light to get hands on this treasure

Great gratitude for the angel descended
As a part of my heart and soul
My world will be perfect and bright
Because of you, my dearest sonny

39

As deep as the blue ocean

No matter how you are
No matter where you are
No matter what you are
You are still my soul, good as gold
I’ll stand for you
In every blizzard, wind and downpour
I’ll tackle all of the stones hindering your steps
Even if we’ll rise and fall like waves
My love is as deep as the blue ocean
My love is as vast as the jungle
My affection is as a river having no end
My affection is as a dove being pure and beautiful
I never think of taking you over from my heart
Though the world runs out of road
My life will always be with you
To lavish care on you till my dying breath

40

My hope is you

You mean more than anything in the world
The truth says you help me from the pain
I’ll fight and sacrifice everything for you
You’re present to my life
Will be filled with love, warmth and precious moments
My heart has been for you before you’re born
So much love since you’re in my belly
You are the source of my hope
You are my bright sun
I’ll be like a broken-winged bird without you
You’ve moved this soul
How could it be if I’m apart from you, dear?
I lean my hope on you
I lay my life on you
I rely on everything on your shoulder

41

Pearl of my heart

Universe has granted me such a wonder
A gift of worth and hope
To live in a superb diamond field

Nothing more beautiful than your face
Nothing merrier than hearing your laugh
Nothing more comfortable than being with you
Nothing more precious than having your body and soul

When I gaze over the sea
My love is deeper in the depth of my soul
When I look up the sky
My love is higher in the height of the sky

You are nurtured
You are safeguarded
You are valued
You are loved with all heart

You conquered all of my pain
Because of this wound you’re here
The star of my hope is on you
Always twinkling on my mind

You are the pearl of my heart
You are the fairest in my world

42

Remember

I remember the first time you come to this world
I remember your first powerful cry
I remember how your body from my womb
Those lead my heart beat so fast
As an angel from God’s hand enters my world
Being the color of life brightening this soul
I feel so good
I feel so blessed
The rainbow of paradise hangs around with me
You bring me the sunshine
You give me your heaven
You are the moonlight in the dark
You are like a blooming flower
Coloring and beautifying my life
You are the basis of my delight

43

My Radeva

You’re sent to give me a chance
Living in this paradise
To feel the rays of warmth and bliss
Giving you wisdom and virtue
I name you Radeva
Wishing you like Rama
Dreaming you as Khrisna
Bringing a source of happiness
God, be a guardian for my Radeva
From head to tip of his toes
Shine him safe and healthy life
Escort him wherever he steps
Lord, sprinkle your blessed vibration
Shield his body and soul of hardship
Bear stroke of bad luck away
Always ride herd on everything for this gem of my heart

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About Writer

Ni Made Wahyu Supraba Wathi was
born on May 24, 1984 in Buleleng,
Bali. She got her Bachelor degree of
English Education Department from
Ganesha University of Education
Singaraja in 2007. Then, she also took English Education
Department from the same university and got her Master
degree in 2014.
She began her career as a teacher right after she
finished her study. Then, in 2009, she was appointed as a
civil servant in Karangasem, Bali. She has been a teacher
for almost eleven years. This book is eventually her first
work to be published.

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