Sloan Expecting 12 to 20 - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

The NoZe Brotherhood The Cunn i ng Li nguist
Bro. NoZeanderthal

The Lorde Mayor
Bro. CoNoZe the Barbarian

The Shekel Keeper
Bro. Bilbo BaggiNoZe

The E - Brother
Bro. Samir NoZeenanajar

The Bored of Graft
Bro. UltramagNoZe
Bro. Al PaciNoZe

The Brothers
Bro. Roseanne Roseanna DaNoZe

Bro. XeNoZe Warrior Princess
Bro. Huey P. NoZeton

Bro. NoZetredame Walk-On
Bro. Yoko OnoZe
Bro. NoZeB-GYN

Bro. Bring in da NoZe,
Bring in da funk
Bro. DyNoZemite

Keko Muckity Muck! Kekomuckiytmuck! Mene mene teckel upharsin! Satchel on, Those Guys
Bro. LongNoZe. The mobile, noble, and never disposable Brothers of schnoz in this Bro. Obi-Wan KeNoZebi
fake plastic OZ, controlling the effect while attacking the cause without pause, giving truth
drowned out by the shout of foreign lips on the tips of Gabrielle’s horn by those reborn, Bro. PanchNoZe Villa
clouding and shrouding the mind of thine with fear of sin and what’s within while rejecting Bro. IgNoZetious Reilly
the word that demands to be heard. For these aloof ignore the proof that truth comes from the Bro. Mu-mu-mu-my SharoNoZe
uncouth, cause Jesus’ pals were pimps, nymphs, and gimps and the world they shall obtain
after fundamentalist reign, though little will remain when foundations lain bring innocence The Exiles
pain because leaders, now foes, fancy themselves heroes. But if money’s all that matters Bro. W Axl NoZe
honey, ignore this funny, but for Elmo’s sake forget your baked and unrighteous pride for self Bro. Rocky MarciaNoZe
and wealth. ‘Cause despite the high, the end is nigh, choose not to fly and they’ll watch you Bro. SuperNoZa
die. The blest will walk the talk without you. Can I get a satch? Satchel! Satchelissimo! Bro. InoZebriated
Bro. NoZetorious B.I.G.
Bro. NoZe Better*
Bro. J-E-L-L-NoZe**

Precursor to the End Baylor Vision 211
Sloan Expecting 12 to 20
Now I could spend the next five to
seven months making frantic, With the flurry of recent arrests, arraignments, resignations, and
groping love to my ego; this condemnations, the Baylor population is still left with one question: Who
publication being the lubricated, done it? Or more aptly, how has who been paying what whenever we
ultra-sensitive, staple-free protection were where and why wasn’t it enough for our football team to have a
that separates my modest psyche winning season. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on whether or
from your virginal mind. But that not you are Tom Stanton, these are questions that Tom Stanton, former
wouldn’t be fair to you, the athletic director will never have to answer. Due to his impromptu
unsuspecting student who picked up resignation, the Baylor family is left without a clue: or are they?
this tome of undergrad raillery; or
me, the tragically talented yet “It was Colonel Mustard in the Ferrell Center with a wad!” said
blessedly quiescent writer who must police chief, Dim Joke at a press conference last week. “Originally our
conjure the next some-odd Ropes investigative team believed that it was Professor Plum in the quad with the
from his vapid, fractured mind. So bling, but this proved to be implausible, as Professor Plum, Mrs. White,
why keep reading? Good question. and Yvette were preoccupied in the Seminary with Mr. Boddy.”
Why keep writing? Better question.
It’s simple, really. One reporter asked if the conspiracy could lead all the way up to the
Parker Brothers themselves to which Joke responded, “Truth be told, we
What else are we going to do? really don’t know, we give up. Just open the envelope and tell us who it is
for Pete’s Sake!” Upon learning that there was no envelope, Joke slipped
You and I, we’ve never met and the reporters a roll of pink Monopoly cash and scurried on his way.
probably never will. This is our only
moment together and frankly, I have “Someone must be held accountable for what somebody else did,
no idea where you’ve been or what and for the moment, that man is Tom Stanton,” commented President Sloan.
strange mosses are growing on your “The man may not have been directly involved with the impropriety but
jibblies. So in the interest of what is he is in charge of that department and when you are in charge of something,
just, our relationship will forever you are responsible for any misconduct that might occur in your
remain platonic. But I’d like to think subordinates. As they say in the business: the Buck Stops Here. Wait not
we can be friends, and if we wish here though,” said the President pointing to his person, “Not anywhere
hard enough, just maybe, we can be near here. There. Way over there. As far away from here as is possible.
a part of something special. Nowhere near here. Not even in the same ballpark…no pun intended.”

Until then, I remain… But while President Sloan is hoping against nineteen Regents, many
Baylor Students seem pleased with Stanton’s resignation.
Bro. NoZeanderthal
“Good riddance. In my four years here I’ve seen nothing from
Cunning Linguist, Vessel of the Nameless Stanton but fund raising and unprecedented graduation rates for his athletes.
One, Partaker of Little Sisters, Physicist Fleeting victory took a backseat to the continued personal accomplishments
of the players and I cannot abide by that,” said one very informed Penland
Senior.

Sloan confessed that although he kinda sort of might have almost
known a teensy bit about a little bit, he certainly doesn’t feel responsible
and desperately hopes that Grandpa Reynolds and “The Naughty Nineteen”
don’t take away his toys and force him to sit in the uncooperative chair.

Welcome to Baylor!
We hope your summer has been just as poignant I think too much stigma has been attached to our hypocrisy
and introspective as it has been for both us and Baylor for too long. I say we hold our heads high, rally behind President
University as a whole. It has been an interesting and Sloan and all those who have been recently tainted with scandal
magical journey, littered with law suits, paper trails, and and say, “We support you.” Why should we be the shocked and
nasty name calling leading all the way to the highest floors dissenting public? There isn’t a man jack among us who hasn’t
of Pat Neff. We understand this is a confusing time to given or received a little oral pleasure in the back seat of our 4-
enter university life, but you must realize how special you runner with the Icthus on it!
are to be apart of history. The great and wonderful game
of Finger Pointing has begun and probably won’t end until Let’s say no to shame! No to conscience! Let’s tout our
Somebody Gets Theirs. sins in the same sunlight we tout our virtues! Baylor is the biggest
Baptist University in the world, and a lot of people get so hung
The fingers, of course, have been pointing up and up on “Baptist” that they forget about “University.” If you receive
up the beaurocratic ladder to Sloan himself. You may think a diploma without at least one good solid pregnancy scare, then
that this is a godsend for those of us in the Brotherhood my friend, you haven’t earned it!
who have tried so hard and so many times to make Dr.
Bob look like a schmuck. We admit, that somewhere within So, in closing, President Sloan and all of you who are
our pristine souls, a little demon of satisfaction is laughing condemned, you are forgiven. Trust me, we understand. Now
at how rich this all is. But I digress. It’s time we took the there is a common thread between us. Now we can give you a
high road. The infrastructure of the Baylor way of life is knowing and friendly look when we go to church with a
in jeopardy as we speak. With fault lines becoming evident hangover. These indiscretions are a part of us; a part of a rich
in the foundation of our trust in this establishment, it would tradition that will, God willing, continue on unabated indefinitely.
be very easy for the faint of heart among us to become
disillusioned. We may start to question the time honored WELCOME TO BAYLOR! JESUS LOVES YOU!
tradition of The Way We Do Things Around Here. AMEN!
Freshman, this cannot be.
Harts & Crafts
In this time of uncertainty, it is vital that we cling to
the things we hold most dear and learn from others Where to shop for all
mistakes. It is certainly not time to go around pointing of your favorite
fingers and mucking things up. Many people right now things…..except kitten
think that Sloan and Baylor’s upper management is the whiskers, that’s just
enemy, but I say nay. The enemy is one that has been with wrong…..Curse you
Baylor since the beginning, and I think it’s high time he Julie Andrews!
was called out. The name of that enemy, friends, is
SHAME. 1011 S. University
Parks
The only reason that our University’s staff has been
thrown into the fire is because they got CAUGHT. If 754-3350
people hadn’t started poking their noses where they didn’t
belong and recording private conversations, we wouldn’t “Gifts for the girl
be in this mess at all. Just think how much less prestigious who has
our University would be if the conversations of every
student and faculty were recorded. It’s why we have closed everything…”
doors, people. It’s so you can go in your room and use the
“F-word” gratuitously right before you go lead Bible study.

Baylor Unveils New Preemptive Strike Policy

Pranks of Mass Hilarity Threaten Student Body

As we all know, like a medieval barber surgeon, there is nothing

the Baylor administration loves more than good old-fashioned amputation.

What do you do when the football team has a loosing season? Do you

support the coach and give him time to build a team? NO, fire the bastard!

A year is more than enough time. What do you do when trying to improve

the faculty at your tier-two university? Do you remove some religious

requirements and develop existing employees. NO, fire the bastards! Hire

you own graduates. What do you do when there a vote of no confidence

in the faculty senate? Do you straighten up and compromise with

opposition. NO, fire the bastard! We’ll kick him out of the senate. Proposed Brotherhood Funny…

Well brother, sisters, and conspiracy theorists do we have a tale for

you. The recent rash of destruction on the Baylor campus is not the work

of 2012 but of darker forces within Pat Neff. President Sloan’s secret

Gestapo has been hard at work for the last several years trying to destroy

the funny. They burned joke books, brought back Bill Cosby, and still our

Funny would not die. So in a last ditch attempt they sought to systematically

eradicated all place where the funny might be found.

The first leak in the damn was the NoZe Brotherhood’s plan to

flush all the toilets in Mark Twain simultaneously flooding half the campus

as well as convincing the Antiocher’s that Armageddon was finally here. Cruel, Brutish Reality.
In response Mark Twain was reduced to dusty rubble. We at the NoZe

nerve center scratched our chins and other such places but chalked it up

to coincidence.

Next came the 1st annual NoZe Nude Intramural Chess and Body

Shot Tournament. WE had a full roster of participants and even had the

shirts printed and all the whipped cream bought. But when everyone

arrived at the fields for a rousing game, we found a half-paid-for science

building sitting in the middle of the court. Now this got the wheels in the

old noggin turnin’.

The final straw was the fountain mall. The last time our Judas

would have an opportunity to leak. The Beach Prank! The noble NoZe

brotherhood in response to the global condition and economic influences

decided they would pull a prank of monumental hilarity, The Beach!

Fountain Mall itself was to be transformed into a tropical coastal paradise

for students to relax and forget their university’s woes.

And now? No fountain! Once is happenstance. Twice is

coincidence. Third time is sodomy. It will not happen again. So we

challenge you Pat Neff and you Robert Sloan. We will make fun of you.

Oh yes we will. And if you have the cojones to remove the objects of our

mockery a fourth time, we applaud you. The day is yours. The ball is in

your court, my old adversary. Bring it.

Point: Sloan Should Resign
By: Bro. Samir NoZeenanajar

The jig is up, Bob. The cat’s finally out of the bag, the rabbit’s out of the hat, and
the chicken has flown the checkbook. Child pornography and kitty killing sluggers are
one thing, but this? You should be ashamed. Impropriety doesn’t rhyme with piety for
a reason, Bob! We’d expect this from a Godless pagan vis a vis the University of Texas
but not here Bob, not in the Baylor Bubble, Bastion of the Baptist right. You have
hoisted yourself by your own petard. You have two birds in the bush and none in the
bag. The bull is loose in the china shop and the quick brown fox has jumped over the
lazy dogs. We would like to believe that Baylor would be held to a higher standard than

that of TBN. But it appears Father Abraham has many Arlington Farms
sons and he’s been blessing them all underneath the table.
It’s time to cut your loses and face the music. Perhaps “I’m sorry officer, but the bishop needs to see this young
“administration” wasn’t really your cup of tea anyway. boy immediately.”
‘Cause God forgives, man fires. So get ready, Bob. Little
Bunny Foo Foo has been bopping the field mice for too —At Arlington Farms, what you do in your apartment is
long and the cows are finally coming home to pay the piper. your business.
1800 Primrose Dr.
753-0178

1 to 4 bedroom apts available for rent, and the friendliest
management in town.

Direct shuttle service to the Baylor campus now available 5

days a week.

Counter-Point: “A message left on Sloan’s answering machine at 3 AM”
By Bro. Samir NoZeenanajar after a 12 pack of O’Doul’s

Baby please, I’m so sorry. If you’re there pick up. Come on I know you can hear

me. Don’t do this to me. You know I didn’t mean it, I just get a little messed up and our

relationship needs a lot of work. But I just don’t know what I would do if you were gone.

You got me all twisted up inside. *Pause to stifle a cry*

Remember the good days? When we were the only paper attacking you? God,

those were good times. Just you, me, and McCraw’s cease and desist letters. I thought

we’d really found something special with each other. But that’s not enough anymore is

it? You want to meet other people, you say. And now I see you bouncing around from

print to print like some 2 billion-dollar endowment floozy.

You hurt me real bad but wounds heal, and I want to heal with you. You are a

beautiful, beautiful man and the thought of a world without you makes my heart bleed. It

would be like that really crappy world like Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Give me

Sun Kissed Tans another chance. Remember, I was there for you during
the bad times when no one else was, and now that your

Get that same golden tan, without all the getting press from real newspapers, you know you need
hassle of flailing under a raging ball of me now more than ever. And the thought of you doing
flame. this to me I mean it…it…you…I mean…*sob*

1700 S. 5th St. Suite C Call me. Let’s work this out. No personal assistants,
254-753-3233 no hidden tape recorders, just the two of us. It’ll take

www.sunkissedtan.net some time, but I think we can work through this…*click*

Brother SharoNoZe Calls for a Vote of No-Consequence

Brotherhood Plays “Spot the Metaphor”
In news that rocked the figurative world of the involving the particulars of handling livestock under the influence

Noble NoZe Brotherhood, current member of the Bored of illegal psychotropic, mind-altering substances was found in the

of Graft Bro. Mu-mu-mu-my SharoNoZe called for a vote bylaws of the brotherhood (Section IV, sub-section IX, paragraph

of no consequence on September 9th in relation to Bro. II) and was brought to the attention of Bro. CoNoZe.

CoNoZe the Barbarian, Lorde Mayor. Citing multiple, Asked to comment, Bro. SharoNoZe, two glasses of Crown

sordid reasons for his ouster, Bro. SharoNoZe issued a in hand, would only say repeatedly “I’m mad as hell.”

chilling indictment of the state of the current CoNoZe led After SharoNoZe’s abrupt removal, an e-card was sent to

brotherhood. Bro. CoNoZe from former Lorde Mayors Bros. PanchNoZe Villa,

“What we’re dealing with here is a complete and W. Axl NoZe, and Long Nose Short. The card expressed the
utter failure in terms of disappointment of the former bigwigs,
leadership, vision, and
as well as a short poem of
hygiene.” Stated Bro.
encouragement for the loss of a family
SharoNoZe, glass of Crown
pet. According to sources, getting the
in hand, “Bro. CoNoZe the
involvement of the former brothers
Barbarian has systematically
was not hard, although Bro. Long
degraded the brotherhood’s
Nose Short only agreed on the
illustrious reputation…quite
condition that he be allowed to wear
simply flushing our
his undress pajamas and have a few
voluminous literary tradition
moments alone with a picture of Miss
down the toilet of forgotten
Billie Brickie.
humor (which happens to be
Brotherhood spokesman Bro.
located in the basement of the
Bilbo BaggiNoZe was not fazed by the
Alamo).”
actions of the former brothers,
The most serious
although he was delighted by the cute
charge leveled against the
picture of a puppy included in the e-

current Lorde Mayor is his emphasis on a “words first, card. “Certainly…the opinions…of the former…brothers…carry
funny second” strategy in which all brothers are encouraged some…weight, but I’d be…more…worried about guys…who
to write as much as possible, without regard to humor actually have…some…involvement…with…the…[NoZe
quality, or lack of talent for that matter. Other charges Brotherhood].”
involve his insistence that all brothers conform to his secular
world-view as well as his excessive spending on tonic water, Ignoring all rational thought and reason, Bro. SuperNoZa
which has driven the brotherhood into deep debt. leveled his own personal attack against Bro. CoNoZe. “That guys
sucks. He’s not funny. He is a misogynistic womanizer and a drunk.
The call for a vote of no consequence comes at a He is insane with power, and hopefully will burn in hell…so, yeah
delicate time for the brotherhood and CoNoZe’s leadership. I wish I was in his position.”
This summer it was revealed that Bro. CoNoZe was directly
involved in illegal kickbacks to the pizza delivery guy in Wishing to silence his critics, and cement his status as the
exchange for extra Canadian bacon. “This is Calumny!!! brotherhood’s one and only true messiah, Bro. CoNoZe is planning
I’m a nice guy! I’ve done nothing wrong!” said CoNoZe a rally for next week featuring famed comedian Carrot Top.
weeping, and sobbing pathetically as he curled up in the Admission to the 8 p.m. event is free, but supporters are urged to
fetal position, rocked back and forth, and began to sing the come early as Draper 116 tends to fill up rather quickly.
chorus of “Jesus Loves Me.”
Bro. CaNoZebus R.I.P.
Shortly after calling for the vote, Bro. SharoNoZe
was kicked out of the brotherhood after an obscure rule You burnt out while we faded away.

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Our in-store tech support can offer troubleshooting tips for even the most complex hardware.

Campus Organization Witnesses to Captive

Audience Mene Mene Tinkle Upharsin?

While the rest of us stumbled our way through the Kentucky. But more importantly, that these words had huge
last three months of 7:00am happy hours and underage potential to bring the Lord into someone’s heart, or at least be
strippers, a few dedicated Baylor students guaranteed their pondered by a captive audience.”
seat on the heaven express with a nationwide persuasive
Nicholson rounded up a few friends and decided to try out
campaign, bringing a whole new flock to the big J.C. The the witnessing program. They kept it simple at first, initially just
campaign, known to its members as The Writing On the scrawling a quick “John 3:16” or “Jesus is Lord” in pencil on a
Wall offensive, utilizes a revolutionary new witnessing few Waco stalls, but as their early targets were just their church
medium – bathroom stall graffiti.
restrooms, effects were hard to gauge. They
The dedicated missionaries
soon developed a more in-depth 400 word
spent their summer in devoted
treatise, and eventually even decided that their
religious servitude, witnessing in
cause was righteous enough to justify the use
truck stops, high school locker
of permanent ink, but it wasn’t until they
rooms, and most importantly,
ventured into the unholiest of unholies, the
community style dorm bathrooms.
men’s room of Scruffy Murphy’s that their
“The idea came to me while
plan really took off.
deep in meditation one afternoon,”
“The smell was unbearable. There was
says Baylor W.O.W. founder Chris
no way I could have stayed in there long
Nicholson. “I was driving cross
enough to scribble out even the first line of
country to a Disciple Now
our creed. I decided to just cross out one of

conference in Virginia when I pulled into a small dingy the older phone numbers on the wall and replace it with my cell. I
truck stop, mistaking it for one of those trendy 50’s diner figured if someone wanted to talk to me about Jesus, we could just
themed family restaurants. Though I managed not to make do it over the phone.”
eye-contact with the pagan souls around me, I was nearly
The plan worked. Nicholson did indeed get several calls that
taken in by the evil propaganda populating their bathroom week, most of which were angry rants from Bro. NoZeanderthal
walls.”
looking for a “good time,” but many of which actually came from
Nicholson was not alone. Every year thousands of pathetic lonely drunks, slurringly asking what went wrong with their
God-fearing Christians are tempted by the sweet words and lives and why they were still in Waco three years after they graduated.
seductive illustrations of public restroom graffiti. Whether His counseling services eventually came into such high demand that
the message is a simple “for a good time call…” or a more he finally began answering the phone with a prerecorded religious
detailed proposition complete with illustrated positions message of guidance.
carved into the tile, the artistic splendor of bathroom stall
The program has spread to college campuses and bars across
graffiti has brought many good men to their knees.
the nation, with a grass roots graffiti campaign and customized phone
“The words moved me,” continued Nicholson. “I messages for each individual area. But the success has yet to corrupt
began to notice it at every pit stop. There were proud gang the group’s founder.
related boasts in Old English lettering, witty limericks in
Says Nicholson, “I still love spreading the good news of our
ballpoint pen scrawl, and even a few beautiful murals of Lord in one-on-one discussion.”
what I can only assume were people dancing in fantastic
“In fact, if you’re interested in a good time, meet me Saturday
positions.”
at 12 am in the 2nd floor restroom in Brooks Hall, first stall on the
“I began to notice certain truths in this graffiti. The right. Come alone.”
first being that some woman named Michelle Denning has

quite a reputation as a huge slut from Texas all the way to

Baylor Freedom Not as Gay as Originally Planned

Esoteric Homosexual Organization to Choose Posterity over Posterior

Although once known to the student body of Baylor that instead you’re gay but you wont be gay you’ll be
University as the underground “homosexual” organization bisexual…wait a minute. I’m confused.”
that not so proudly donned the symbol of the rainbow, Baylor
Freedom has decided yet again, to come out of the closet. “Perhaps if we could find some common ground with
our redneck oppressors we could begin the acceptance process.
“Okay look. We’re not 100 % gay. We’re more like We actually have a lot in common. They wear tight jeans, we
80% gay,” said underground terrorist leader/interior decorator, like them to wear tight jeans. They call people partners, we
Josie. “That’s not as gay as we had originally intended but have sex with partners. We both like to ride, we both like
still, that’s pretty gay.” hide, and most importantly we’re both people. We eat, excrete,
and copulate all alike…well almost…at least we have sex
Leaders of the unofficial student organization are with people.”
referring to this ideological shift as the “4/5ths Compromise”,
an effort Freedomite Leaders say focuses primarily on the In response to the Baylor Freedom’s newest endeavor,
proliferation of the human race. President Sloan remarked, “This University will remain a
sexually heterogeneous society. We are keeping the sexuality
“We aren’t exactly coming out of the closet so to speak, of this University strictly homogeneously heterosexual. Wait
or even going back in it necessarily. It would be more accurate a minute…do I need to strike that?”
to say that we are remodeling the closet. Tearing down the
standard walk-in and upgrading to the more sophisticated With regards to students, faculty, and administrators
armoire.” who oppose the group, Josie, Baylor freedom member just
shrugged his shoulders, smiled, and said, “Personally I just
“We have future generations of humans to worry about, think they’re not comfortable in their own sexuality. Don’t
not to mention our own seed, our potential progeny. So, knock it till you try it. Once you go crack, you’ll never go
some of us have decided that for the purposes of procreation, back.”
we will eventually have sex with members of the opposite
sex. Not right away though. See, I’m looking for the right Shipley’s Do-Nuts
girl…a girl who’ll have sex with me, bear my child, but still
let me be gay.” I told you already, those weren’t donut holes in my pants. Calm
down and we’ll just go to Shipley’s.
Although the majority of the Baylor student body is Seven locations in the Waco area,
skeptical and disapproving of about anything and everything
that Baylor Freedom does, Josie, Freedom member says the including one at 12th and Speight (Next to Domino’s)
organization remains “true to its own purpose, in its own
queer sort of way.”

“I used to believe that inside every man was a woman
and that inside of every woman was a man. That was when
I decided to start wearing panties. But that was just a phase
I think. I mean, I still wear panties, I just realize I don’t
ACTUALLY have a woman inside of me. I just thought I
did.”

“In the world I envision to be gay will mean being
straight and to be straight will mean being gay. Except we
won’t be gay, we’ll be straight. Straight people will be gay.
Coming out of the closet will mean admitting that your
straight, which will actually mean that your not straight but

NoZe Brothers Tire of Satire
Thinly Veiled Boob Jokes Ensue
This fall’s Welcome Week was shrouded in the attitude the administration has taken in dealing with the public.

controversy as more and more students and staff began to “The gross mischaracterizations this administration has thrust

question the necessity of the not-quite-week-long event. upon the Baylor population must stop,” griped Brian Jones,

Instead of the usually chipper faces of nubile freshman Longview Senior. “Lying about the double D’s is one thing, but

hanging on his every word, President Sloan was greeted when Sloan grouped baylorfreedom, the gorilla troop, and

with jeers and racial slurs as protestors demanded answers. Chinese students into the ‘iniquitous cornucopia of naughtiness’,

At issue is a speech Sloan made on the 13th of July he went too far.”

outlining his plans for Welcome Week. “We have a clear Rumors have been circulating that Todd Lake and his

mission for Welcome Week. That mission is to discover lieutenants, the Resident Chaplains, have been actively

the Weapons of Mass Distraction that are most certainly concealing the WM-double D’s so as to effectively prevent the

bound to be on our campus. I promise you, I will not tire release of the distracting forces. In an effort to styme their efforts,

until we have uncovered all of the WM-double D’s.” the administraion has released an Uno deck featuring the worst

The problems for the current administration stem offenders.

from a botched raid on the Kokernot dormitory which has “We have an interest in keeping the Double D’s from being

thus far produced figuratively little evidence. “We realize out in the open where they might inflict some damage. If those

now that we were acting on bad intelligence,” stated Chief double D’s ever surface themselves, hard times will be at hand.”

of Police Dim Joke. “Somehow a memo written by Said University Chaplain, and Draw Four Wild, Todd Lake.

Investigator Smith was blown out of proportion and we To further aid the search, Sloan is offering a $25 reward

never looked back. Anyway, you’ve seen the kind of ladies for any information that enables him to get his hands on the

Smith dates. He’s just that kind of guy.” WM-double D’s. To the credit of the student population, the

The apparent lack of progress in finding the idea of uncovering any Weapons of Mass Distraction appears to

voluptuous weapons coupled be motivation enough, with

with a long night spent Poppa Rollo’s Pizzeria or without any reward.
watching blurred out, Spanish “I SAW the double

language soft-core pornography D’s with my own eyes,”

has left some students said freshman stud and

frustrated. “How long have we More sausage ladies man, Brock Nelson.
been doing Welcome Week? 25 “They’re out there man,

freakin’ years!” Angrily stated than a FIJI bouncing around from
Logan Tintwindow “What do pigskin place to place, hidden from
we have to show for it? rehearsal view. But I know you’ll
Nothing! Nothing I tell you.” find them!”
Realizing he had answered both

of his questions, Tintwindow 703 N. Valley KNOW
quickly left with a smug, yet Mills Dr. YOUR
still sexually frustrated, look on 776-6776 ENEMY!
his face.
○○○○○○○
Other students were
more critical of Sloan and his Your life
administration, saying the may
bogus WM-double D
information was indicative of depend
on it!

Who’s your Daddy’s Daddy Dear Lorde Mayor

A new look at Baylor Sports Dear Lorde Mayor,
I think you NoZe Brothers are great! We all
Great Scott! Creative Accounting! In a move that would
baffle befuddle and bemuse even the most limber minded of take ourselves too seriously sometimes and you
the Enron accounting staff, Baylor’s New basketball couch Scott bring us back to reality! But is the low-brow humor
Drew has announced his 1 step (or side step) plan for saving REALLY necessary? -Teats and Piddle
Baylor Basketball. Dear Tommy Lou,

At a press conference Friday the Drewsome Dr. Scott Are we still on for Saturday Night? My
opened a copy of the NCAA rule and attacked it vociferously place. Bring the thing.
with a giant hole punch until it looked no more substantial
than a fashion majors degree plan. Some swooned, some Dear Lorde Mayor,
cheered but most looked on in numb horror.
Is it true that you are single?
In the silence Baylor’s swarthy Solomon of Sport began -Interested
to speak: “Holes, Holes, Holes! The NCAA think thy can Beat
Baptist Backslider in legalistic finagling, Think Again! Baptists Dear Freshman Girls,
been finding way to “not break” the ten commandment long
before we were flagrantly flouting the rules of college Yes, but statutory rape is a serious crime
basketball. We may not dance but we sure can waltz around that I am only sometimes willing to violate.
the issues.”
Bubba’s Garage
“In a Spirit of complete legal compliance and a new
middle finger I say to the NCAA HA, HA, double HA. Go When domestic drafts
ahead take away our scholarships. We don’t need no stinking are just $1, who
scholarships. Instead I plan on making the father of every top needs roofies*?
Basketball recruit a Member of the coaching staff!
Cheer went up from the crowd and up on the dais Pres. “A 618 Frankin Ave.
mighty fortress is our BOB” Sloan shed a tear of Joy. 759-8284
Open Thurs.-Sat.
Drew Carey continued saying: “We will pay the father 10pm-2am
of the fine gentlemen up to 20,000 a semester plus what ever The Rope Specials:
incidentals they need such as meal plans or biology text books. Thurs. - $1 Domestic Drafts
This will be the fee for their consulting services and we are so Fri. - $2 Well Drinks
confident in their abilities that we will not require them to apply Sat. - $3 You-Call-Its
in fact the won’t even have to come to the games. Live DJ spinning hip-hop
and top 40 every weekend.
Jasper’s BBQ
*the Noble NoZe Brotherhood
“Alright, alright, I’m sorry about all the cheap in no way endorses the use of
cat food. We’ll go out for a beef plate at roofies — or the consumption of
Jaspers.”
domestic beer.
“World’s Greatest BBQ” since 1919
At the corner of Elm & Clifton
799-8351 We Cater!
Open Mon.-Sat. 9am-2pm

Dear Lorde Mayor, Claypot Cafe

109 to base. 109 to base. We need DPS at the SLC

ASAP! -109

Dear Welcome Week Staff,

Base to 109. We need an EMT, we got an STD in a
SUV in front of the SUB on PCP, I think HIV. We’re down
with OPP, yeah you know me. BTW, we did it.

Dear Lorde Mayor, “Boys, I don’t know if I can really handle both
spring rolls at once….”
Are you pro or anti Sloan?
-Anonymous Two for one spring rolls every Tuesday at the Claypot.

Dear Faculty Senate, 920 K.H. Kultgen Freeway
(Next to La Quinta)
I give you a vote of no-competence. 757-2721

Dear Lorde Mayor, Blenderheads

Integrity and Honesty are the virtues of higher
education, wouldn’t you agree?

-Out on a limb

Dear Henry Walbesser, At Blenderheads, we just supply the smoothies. What
you do with the straw is up to you…..
Your book sucked.
1700 S. 5th St
Dear Lorde Mayor, In the Campus Corner shopping center.

Thanks for the after-party on Thursday. I had a Fresh smoothies and live
great time. Sorry about the mess, I’ll pay for the cleaning music every weekend.
bill. -J-E-L-L-O Shots
Dear Bill Cosby,

Anytime.

Bro. Obi Wan KeNoZebi Still Unemployed

Scourge of Collins Freshman Remains At-Large

Man, I don’t know why Baylor has that business major acting as athletic director. I must have
turned in my resume two weeks ago and they still have that tie-wearing mig runnin’ the show. Let
me spell it out for you like I told those ble-ah-ches in Baylor’s front office. I am the man that can
make things happen for Baylor. My accomplishments speak for themselves.

First of all, I bought NCAA football 2004 the day it came out on X-Box. I have been play8ing
it non-stop and have wrapped up a number of achievements. I played as Baylor and we went to a
bowl game 9 out of the first 10 years. That’s nearly 82% of the time. I know exactly what to say to
all the big recruits too. Will it be location, program prestige, playing time, or coaching style? I just
get this feeling about what guys want to hear and they come to Baylor. When was the last time we
got anybody to come play for us that was good? (The first person that says Mike Singletary is going to see the bad side
of my pimp hand) And check this. I won a national championship in eight years. EIGHT YEARS! That’s incredible.
Can anyone else turn this program around in that period of time? I doubt it.
It would be one thing if my skills were limited to football, but I also excel at All-Star Baseball 2004 featuring
Derek Jeter. It only takes me two years to win the World Series with any team that you pick. I know all the stats. And
quit talking that crap about how that deals with pro-baseball. If there was a college baseball game, I would play it and
no doubt rock its digital world. NBA 2K3 is also easy for me, and I best not hear any smack about that game being
outdated. My mom’s going to get me 2K4 for Christmas.
So as you can all see, I am clearly the choice for Baylor. I’ve got the necessary skill in all the major sports, yet I’m
still living off a Dell subsidy package. What’s up with that?

Bankston’s Card’s and Comics We’re the
chazers your
rabbi warned you
nnb about.

po box 612

elm mott, tx 76640

Do your fantasies involve classic cartoons, and/or a www.theNoZe.com
young peter? Then Bankston’s is for you [email protected]
[email protected]
1321 S. Valley Mills
755-0070

If not, then don’t miss
this chance to stand at
His right. UNRUSH this
Thursday, September
18, 2003 at imprecisely
11:17 Past Milk in front
of Seventh & James
Baptist Church.

Paper Pickup will be held
at the Burleson Statue on
Sunday, September 21,
2003 somewhere in the
ballpark of 6:47 Post
Mortem. Papers of a
satiric nature and being at
least 10,691 words or less
(please, much less) will be
accepted at this time. For
His sake, refrain from
using teats, piddle, or ca-
ca. And seriously, BE
FUNNY this time. Bloop.

Remember, if you’re
not bringing The Funny,
then you’re
being unfunny
with HITLER.

Common Grounds Terry & Jo’s
Food For Thought
Sometimes you just need
a little cream in your For those times when you
coffee. want to eat without being

1123 S. 8th St. surrounded by sweaty
757-2957 naked men

1119 Speight
(Now Accepting Bearbucks)

Screentex Graphics

Sweet Jesus Man!! Cover that up
with a t-shirt before you grow one

of your own.

1004 Franklin
Ave.

754-0030

The Movie Store

For those who like to watch….

1003 S. University Parks
754-5600

No Membership Fees. New Members, rent
one and get one FREE!

The hassle free way to rent movies.