Nighttime Thoughts
My arms hurt:
Scar tissue stretches and phantom wounds sting from time to time.
My eyes are sore:
Tears flow unabated and I weep delicately for the lost possibilities.
My chest aches;
I scream until the chains have tightened and my glass lungs have cracked.
I stare blindly at the ceiling, and wonder when the light left my eyes and the smile left my face.
I look wildly at the sky and beg the stars to return, and relieve me of this darkness.
This shell, she breathes
Unwell, she keeps
Wondering where the child went when the monsters took over.
The ship is sailing,
My heart is failing,
A child is wailing
In a past dream.
Thea’s Theme
Was it more than a dream,
When you pulled me close?
Because now it seems
Like it was only fantasy.
Were you a phantom, manifested
By the PowersThatBe,
To take hold of mine soul,
And effectively end me?
I had no hope
I started to choke
My whole world
Went up in smoke
And you were meant to be
Salvation indefinitely
But sadly the fates’
Fought with destiny.
Tonight
I’m feeling lonelier than ever,
And the walls are closing in.
My stomach lurches violently–
Acid burns quietly–
The pain is unbearable, and yet my mouth makes no motion to scream.
Back in B.C. I could’ve jumped;
Fell from the forlorn ferry,
Paid homage to the perpetual Pacific,
Bubbles of breath– bursting amongst the surface of the living.
THC and Zoloft, quite a heady mix.
Serotonin and imitation dopamine
Fooling positivitystarved synapses into false happiness.
Floating solely, Mary Jane and Mother Nature fog debilitating thoughts like clockwork.
These pills were meant to make me feel better – I was meant for more than this – My family had
higher hopes for me – How could I become such a failure – I could die right now – Cutting
wouldn’t be so bad – If only I could sleep forever – I’m so alone – Why can’t I just pick myself up
– What is wrong with me?
My silence is simplicity, the destruction inside is far too complex to explain… I can’t even deal
right now.
Is This a (Memory)Nightmare?
I don’t know who you are–
I can’t see your face,
But that familiar sense of dread creeps; clouding a little girl’s heart.
A mere shadow with strength,
I can’t move–
I don’t understand what you’re doing,
I don’t know who you are.
What did you do to the girl on the floor?
Her face is dark, her face is small, her face is mine.
She can’t get up–
She didn’t see your face–
Are you a memory?
Are you a childhood nightmare?
I can’t place you–
I can’t remember you–
I may have repressed this–
I don’t know who you are.
Wishes
A dream is a wish your heart makes they say,
But I dream in black and gray
And tears slip sweet during the day
I wish I could run away
I wish I could fly, just be
Cloudless skies equal eternity
For a time, a spell indefinitely
I could crawl away discreetly
Push me away
Take me your way
Beg me to stay
High all day
Desperate.
Take me back,
Let me love you.
I’m begging on my knees,
Pleading for you to stay.
It’s a useless fight,
I know this isn’t right.
For once, just let me kiss you
And don’t walk away.
Untitled
I’m too fucked up to be
Existence eternally
Too baked to breathe
Smoking up serenity.
Just Say No Falling In Love
They said you would destroy me;
The way cocaine sears sinuses,
The way smoke stops breath,
The way meth erodes brain matter.
I didn’t care.
They told me to kick the habit of you;
The way a soccer ball goes,
The way a bruise forms,
The way a blow to the gut feels.
I couldn’t bear it.
The detox is hell,
The withdrawals are a bitch
And coming off of you is the hardest thing I’ll ever do
But the joke’s on me:
Because they told me so.
Grandpa
My lungs are filled with glass
Mirror reflections of grief past
I don’t dare take a breath;
I fear I’ll take to bleeding inwardly.
Where will you go
When you’re not with me?
Who gets to bask within your light?
Your warmth?
I’m stiff as steel,
Bound in chains
Encased in stone,
Never to move again.
Are you in pain?
Does it hurt to breathe?
Have your cells taken to prayer
That you’ll die in your sleep?
The monster inside
Devours you with greed
As it metastasizes within
It takes you away from me.
?
It seems I have the power
To break hearts with a glance,
Conjure followings with a coy smile,
Call me pheromone phenomena
But on the inside, I’ve locked myself away
A bowl of glass cherries inside the vault
Where a broken little girl lays,
Heartsore and looking for love.
Put your hands on me
And I see his face
Moan my name and I
I hear his voice, intent clear:
“Don’t scream, my dear
It’s only for fun
Little girl you look so delectable
But you’re not the only one.”
I guess you’ve discovered my flaw
Amongst the mental mumbo jumbo
I’m incapable of giving my all with anyone,
Anything, anywhere you want me to go.
But imagine a child, the age of six
Four in the morning, worried sick
Waiting a millennium, it seems
For mommy to come home
Child neglect and emotional trauma
A babygirl needs her momma
A “man” who hurt me in the worst way
Haunts me on the daily
Let’s get it right, ‘cause man I don’t remember
But I see his face
Whenever you come near me
A little girl starts screaming
But mind you I’m far from salvation
And I’m positive that this body’s destination
Will be definitely down, dark and deep
Below with the devil.
The withdrawals make him clearer
Seeing him makes my blood run cold
And I look for a phantom in everyone
And there have been signs my entire life
But I can’t remember
And a part of me revels
In this cloak of ignorance
Oh, I just saw his smile in a classmate.
Swell.
The Cycle
In the morning..
Everyday it gets harder
That first step out of bed,
Out the door.
Waking up crying,
Wishing your heart wouldn’t beat anymore.
Some days it’s a shock,
A smile and a laugh,
All it takes is one off look,
And you’re back.
Staying up late, praying that sleep will come
Begging, praying, screaming
But no
You’re stuck in your mind.
Alone, with the walls silently judging you,
The pictures on your shelves laughing along
Screaming “shut up” to inanimate objects
Because your mind makes them talk
Picking at you skin
Pulling off scabs
Scratching, cutting, bleeding,.
Hey, maybe a gravol or two,
You need the pain to stop
You want a hug,
You want your mommy,
You want your little brothers,
You want, you want, you want
But you're holed up in your own sea,
Fading into the deep, bright, dark blue
He makes it better,
So does she
They all do, but only the bite of a pen cap or a metal underwire can quell the stemming torture
You have no place here
They hate you and your life is worthless.
Shh, honey don’t cry
Pop a pill (or two), it’s almost four.
Sleep now, ‘cause it starts again,
In the morning.
What is Silence?
Silence
Is
Scary.
Scary,
Because, it
Screams
The
Truth.
Truth,
What is
Truth?
Truth
Is that
Of
Which we
Are
Afraid.
Afraid,
Of the
Truth.
So.
We.
Lie.
Lie,
For
Comfort.
Lie,
For
Safety.
Safety
Dims
The
True
Colours.
Colours,
Like
A
Rainbow.
A
Rainbow
Of
Emotions.
Emotions
That
Break
Through
The
Surface.
The
Surface
Is
Loud.
Loudness,
Is
A
Lie.
A lie
Shields
The
Truth.
The
Truth
Lies
Within the
Silence.
And
Silence,
Is
Scary.
Abbreviated Emotions
H.A.P.P.Y
How
Absolutely,
Positively
Pitiful
You are.
S.M.I.L.E
Sound as if
Mirth
Invigorates the
Lie
Eating my heart.
W.O.A.H
Where,
Oh where inside,
Alone in your mind,
Have you hidden the pain?
S.A.F.E
Sorry.
All I am is
Fucking.
Empty.
The Unspoken
Can you feel me?
As the cold freezes my heart?
Can you save me?
Can you save me?
I'm falling into hell,
Bound by its spell.
I can't stop this unending dissatisfaction.
I can't stop this.
It isn't fair,
This pit of despair.
My frozen home,
My unbeating heart .
Can I crash into you?
As my life passes me by?
Will you stay with me?
Will you stay with me?
Welcome to the Club
Paper and pen,
a song to sing.
Five minutes to fly,
she fell over.
Bloodstained gold,
the cherry burns red.
A laced escape,
she sunk lower.
Across the globe
she whines and wails,
Girl, Interrupted
You can't find her.
Curtain call
tour is over
one last drag..
six feet under.
Twilight’s Concert
She danced to an unheard melody,
willows weeping behind.
She sang 'til her lungs ached,
lyrics locked in her mind.
A tiptoe over glass
and into the moon
arabesque through circles,
dawn begins in bloom.
She leapt into the stars,
spun across the globe.
With nothing but her soul,
the sky was her audience.
A tiptoe over glass,
and fie, fly into the moon.
She gave her best performance,
the show is over soon.
A trip, slip onto glass
this is what she dreads
the sun is up
the curtain's down..
and her moon has gone to bed.
Sometimes
Sometimes I need you,
like a spark needs oxygen
to ignite into a blaze.
And, sometimes I crave you,
like a junkie for a fix,
High for awhile, needlesick for days.
And in the middle of the night,
Within the joining of my thighs,
I feel you there, deep inside.
But only sometimes.
Aquafina Asphyxiation
The water is deep
And I sink to the bottom
Anchored to my problems;
My life is light as air bubbles.
I can't stand the sound
Of tongues curling behind teeth..
Forming premature judgements
About a girl on the edge
My glass lungs are filled with blue
Aquafina asphyxiation, you see right through me
Replacing air with fluid;
Drowning in the deep.
Shelf Life
I don't want to spend my life
A halflike shelf life
Propped up against a wall,
Eyes stare blankly
Because porcelain can't smile
Please remember;
I'm not your doll.
Fire and Water (A Requiem for Emotion)
Anger is complete
Combustion of morals
Tongues, sharp as knives
Dissipate relationships like smoke
My soul is big
Its vessel is small
I feel everything
Or nothing at all
Sadness is slick
Tears bitter and pitiful
Salt slips between chapped lips
Internal sobs swift as a kickinflame bruised ribs.
Internal Vs External
Glass strewn across the floor;
Creaking hinges clutch a broken door.
Hardwood holes in need of repair:
I shout for you, but nobody’s there.
The Grandfather Clock is stained by time;
As cancer cells begin to multiply
Cognizant of its own demise
A truth I’d rather deny.
A child wails in a locked room;
Calling for mommy, begging for you
Chained to secrets she’s bound to keep
Battling my demons in her sleep.
A truth you’d rather deny;
Obsessions about my own demise
As suicidal thoughts begin to multiply
Open wounds are known to fester over time.
A girl is laying on the floor;
Trembling fingers clutch my bedroom door
Our home’s now broken and we can’t repair:
You’re screaming for me, but I’m no longer there.
Sylvian’s Lament
Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
A miniscule pile without substance
Just doesn’t measure up.
Reminiscences of his final days
Are entombed in the urn atop the fireplace.
Are our memories in there?
Can our memories stay?
Cancer took your strength.
Death took your presence.
Fire stole what’s left of you
What more can this world take from you?
How is it, I wonder
That a man with such vital thunder
One who can’t ever be replaced by another
Amounts to barely a fingertip’s worth of soot?
Well, ashes to ashes,
Only one thing left to say;
A part of me died
The day you went away.
I don’t even know if you’re there;
But my heart fills
My stomach lurches
And tentative hands flutter protectively over my womb.
I want to hold you,
I wish to see your face smiling at mine:
A baby, a baby
For me.
Your mommy is too young,
Too scarred, unable to see past the darkness inside
Thoughts of you spread light feathered fuzzy feelings
And damned realization reminds me I can’t keep you
I can do all the drugs I want
Drink until my blood is replaced with spirits
But nothing will kill me faster
Than knowing I have to let you go
I don’t even know if you’re there;
But my heart sinks
I wish you could stay my baby.