Storms On The Lake

Storms on the Lake



By



Elizabeth Riddle

Storms on the Lake



It was the summer of 1978. The summer before I started Jr High. The summer
before I would be turning 12 years old. The summer my whole world was
turned upside down.

I was what my mom referred to as “gangly”. My legs were long and my arms
were too. My blond hair was straight and fell halfway down my back. I was
always getting knots in it, so I kept it in a ponytail. My grandmother told me I
had a model’s figure and most ladies would kill to have it. My sister said I
looked like a boy and made fun of me. Melissa, my sister, was the opposite of
me. Mom would say she was just “big boned” and was always getting on to
her about the junk food she ate. She was five years older than me, but seemed
older.

I lived with her and my mom, Molly at the lake. We lived in north east Texas
in a small town just shy of the Texas/Louisiana border. My neighborhood was
built around a manmade lake complete with a sand beach and picnic area. I
loved living there. I rode my bike, ran through the woods, fished, and swam. I
stayed outside all day and only came inside once, mainly to check in with my
grandmother and to eat lunch. Then I was back outside until it got dark.

My grandmother moved in with us after my father left. He took off when I was
born. He couldn’t handle having two children, mom told us many times. Mom
had gotten pregnant after they had agreed to only have one child. Melissa
loved him very much, so when he left she blamed me. I think that is why she
hated me. My mom sank into a deep depression after he left. She had never
worked or even paid a bill. She had no idea what to do, so my grandmother
took charge. She helped my mom get a job and then she took over the
household. She had a house in town and only went there once a week to keep
the yard mowed and clean the inside.

My grandmother took care of me while my mom worked. I loved having the
time with her while my sister was at school. She always kept me busy. She
would read to me, sing songs, play house and school. In addition to watching
me during the day, she would make sure to have dinner made, me and Melissa
fed and bathed so mom could just relax when she got home from work. Every
night mom would grab a beer and cigarette and sit outside until dark listening
to music by herself. My grandmother would help Melissa with her homework
if she needed it and get her and me to bed. Mom would eventually stop
drinking, eat and then go to bed. I can remember, when I was about three years
old, I would sneak into mom’s room and snuggle up beside her. If I woke her,
she would yell at me and make me go back to my room. Sometimes I would
sit outside her room hoping she would let me in. She would yell at me if she

found me asleep by her bedroom door the next morning when she got up. I
eventually gave up and stayed in my room alone.

One sunny afternoon during this summer I was lying on a towel on the roof of
my house hoping to get tanned as I slathered baby oil and iodine all over my
body. I start thinking of my first day of kindergarten. I remember I was so
scared. I had been with my grandmother every day up until that point. I never
really socialized with any kids, other than the few I knew in my Sunday school
class, but they were going to a different school.

“I don’t want to go to school.” I remember telling my mom.

My mom said, “Well you have to. It’s the law.”

“I’m scared.” I confessed and my eyes started watering.

My mom turned around and bent down to face me with her lips tight. “If you
don’t go to school the truant officer will come to our house and make you go.
Then the police will come put me in jail. Is that what you want?” she asked me
as she stood up and placed her hands on her hips.

“No, but I- -“.

“Jesus, Jennifer, I don’t have time for this.” She was angry now as she
interrupted me. “You’ll go to school like everyone else and hate it, just like I
did. But YOU WILL GO.”

“MELISSA!” she screamed while she grabbed her purse and keys. “Let’s go!
We’re running late!”

“I’m coming. God, please stop yelling.” Melissa said as she followed me and
mom out of the house.

“Get in the back seat, turd.” Melissa opened the door and pulled the front seat
forward shoving me into the back.

“Don’t I always?” I pushed her hand away and crawled into the car.

“You gonna cry baby? Little cry baby’s first day of Kindergarten. Big whoop.
Not like you’re gonna do anything but color and take a nap. I’m going to Jr
High for Christ’s sake. You don’t see me crying.” She said.

“That’s enough, Melissa,” my grandmother intervened. “And stop taking the
Lord’s name in vain. Get in the back and stop being mean to your sister.”

“Why are you coming?” Melissa asked rudely.

“She is going to watch Jennifer at her house while I’m at work and you are at
school.” My mom said as she started the car.

“Why does she get special treatment? I HAD to ride the bus home every day.”

She whined.

“She isn’t getting special treatment. Since I’m going to work early, I can leave
early enough to pick you up from school. Then I can swing by Granma’s
house and pick her and Jennifer up since Jennifer will be walking to her house
from school.” Mom said annoyed. “Why am I even explaining this to you? We
are officially late now thanks to the two of you complaining. I just wish you
could see how much I do for you girls and you have the nerve to give me
grief.”

“Molly, stop right there.” My grandmother said. “This is not the time or place
to start feeling sorry for yourself.” She spoke to her in her motherly tone. “Just
drop Jennifer and me off at her school. I will see that she gets settled and walk
home. You can take Melissa on and get her settled.”

“I don’t need her help. I know what to do on my own.” Melissa mumbled with
attitude.

“Good! Then Molly drop her off and head to work. Now we’re back on
scheduled.” My grandmother said victoriously.

During the whole scene of bickering, no one noticed that I was crying as I
looked out the window.

“Hurry up and get out so I can get Melissa to the Jr High.” Mom said as she
pulled up to my elementary school.

My grandmother and I got out of the car and Melissa jumped in the front seat
and they sped off. My grandmother finally saw me after the car ride and I was
still crying.

“Why the tears sunshine?” she asked as she bent down to face me.

“I’m scared. I won’t know anybody and I don’t know what to do.” I started
crying harder.

“Sweetie, guess what? There are going to be about 15 other little people in
your new class feeling the same way you do right now!” she told me as she
wiped the tears away.

“Really?” I asked her not sure if she was right.

“Well yes. Just think you are all starting school at the same time. I’m sure
none of the other kids know what to do either. It’s new for everyone.” She
said.

“But what if nobody likes me?”

“How can anyone NOT like you?” she said with a big smile. “Tell you what,
I’ll stay as long as you want me to stay. How’s that sound?” she asked.

“Will you stay all day?” I started feeling much better.

“If that’s what you want.”

“Yes! Ok! Let’s go inside.” I said. I grabbed her hand and felt a little braver
knowing she would be there with me.

I remember walking into the classroom seeing a few other kids already playing
with toys or coloring. Some were running around and others were clinging to
their mother’s legs crying. My new teacher came over and welcomed me to
the class. She asked me if I wanted to go play with another little girl in the
“kitchen”. I clung to my grandmother’s leg.

“I’m Ms. Carson”, she said. “What’s your name?”

“Jennifer.”

“Really? That’s my favorite name. But don’t tell our friends in here. It will be
our secret.” She said with a wink. I liked her.

I looked up at my grandmother and she pointed over to where the other little
girl was setting up what looked like a tea party. My heart was beating so fast,
but I took a deep breath and walked over there hoping she would let me get a
cup and saucer and play with her.

I got up the nerve to say hi to her and tell her my name. She turned around to
see me and smiled really big. She was so pretty I thought. She had wavy black
hair and her skin was the same color as the chocolate milk I drank that
morning.

“My name is Ellen”, she told me. “This is my first day of school!”

“Mine too!” I exclaimed. “Can I play with you?”

“Yes, let’s pretend to make lunch for our kids,” she said and walked over to a
table where she had two stuffed animals sitting in chairs. I loved to play house
so we pretended to make the meal all the while we chatted and I completely
forgot I was scared. My grandmother walked over to tell me that she would be
sitting in a corner with some of the other kid’s parents. I told her I was okay
and she could go now. She smiled at me and told me she would be outside
waiting for me after school and we would walk to her house. I think that was
the first time I realized that my grandmother would make everything ok and
all I had to do was trust her.

My train of though was broken because it was really hot on the roof and I
needed a soda. I saw my mom pull her car into the garage and then start
yelling for me. I grabbed my towel and my transistor radio and climbed down
the ladder I had set up on the corner of the house. She saw me and told me to
get the groceries out of the car. I started inspecting each bag hoping there was

something good in there. My mom came out to the car asking what was taking
so long, so I picked up two bags and took them in. She got the other two bags
and headed for the kitchen. I started unloading the groceries, but I still didn’t
see any peanut M&Ms or Twinkies, my favorites. I was down to one more bag
to unload, when I came across the precious items!

“Thanks mom, for the stuff!” I said as I held up the candy.

“That is for everyone, so put it in the candy drawer.” She said. “Don’t eat all
of those Twinkies in one sitting either.”

I promised I wouldn’t. I wanted to make them last for a while so it wouldn’t be
a promise I would have to break. I tried not to break any of my promises to
her, but sometimes it just didn’t happen. My mom was big on promises.
Anything she asked me to do was always followed up with a “promise”. It was
like sealing the deal. Like when she would tell me to take the trash out before
she got home. I would tell her I would do it and she followed up with
“promise?” And if I would forget I would get the lecture of how she was
disappointed in me.

”Where is your sister?” she asked.

“I know not of my sister. Am I not my sister’s keeper?” I replied in what I
called Bible talk.

“Don’t be a smart ass. Where is she?”

“I don’t know. I was on the roof. She’s probably in her room as usual.”

“Go find her and tell her to come here” she said as she pulled a beer from the
fridge and walked over to sit at the kitchen table.

“Melissa!” I yelled. “Mom wants you.”

“Good Lord, Jennifer.” She looked at me and lit a cigarette. “I could have
done that. Go FIND her.”

I hated going to find my sister. She hated me looking for her. I was not
allowed in her room, so every time she wasn’t around I was always snooping
in there. I banged on her door and told her mom wanted her. Then I went back
into the kitchen realizing I hadn’t gotten that soda I really needed. I also
wanted some chips and hot sauce. I popped open the soda, making sure I kept
the metal tab, got some chips out of the cabinet and poured some hot sauce in
a bowl. I joined my mom at the table where she sitting drinking a beer and
smoking a cigarette.

“Hey Mom, do you remember my first day of Kindergarten?” I asked as I
shoved a chip full of hot sauce in my mouth.

“Ummm, well I remember you crying, but other than that no.” she said as she

drew a long drag from her cigarette.

“I was so scared, that’s why I was crying.”

“Jennifer, is there a point to this story or are you trying to make me feel bad?
Please don’t put me into a bad mood, I’m going to Robert’s in a little while
and I don’t want you messing with my buzz.” She said as Melissa walked into
the kitchen.

“You’re going to Robert’s tonight? Mother, I told you I was having friends
over.” Melissa said in a whining tone. She was always whining.

“Yes I’m going over there. I don’t care if you have friends over, just make sure
you clean up anything you mess up. Mother isn’t here to pick up after you two
and she won’t be back until Sunday, so you need to keep this house clean. I’m
not your maid.” She spoke to both of us as she got another beer. I heard her
and my grandmother fighting last night when I was watching Family on TV.
Mom got really mad and took a cooler outside and drank until almost
midnight. Then she took my grandmother home for the weekend this morning.
I hated it when my grandmother wasn’t around on the weekends. I really hated
it when mom would leave me alone with Melissa.

“Are you leaving the disease here or are you taking her with you?” Melissa
said glaring at me.

“I’m not going,” I said as I drank my soda. “I have to go with her tomorrow
for Robert’s party and I want to watch my TV shows tonight.”

“Well stay out of my way and make yourself scarce when my friends get
here.”

I looked at my mom as Melissa said that to me hoping she would say she
couldn’t have her friends over if she was going to be mean to me.

“Yes, Jennifer. Please stay away from your sister and her friends. When your
show comes on go in your grandmother’s room and watch it.” And with that
she picked up her purse downed her beer and walked to the garage door.

“Jennifer.” She said as she turned around. “If you go outside later, be home by
dark and make sure you take a bath if you go swimming.” And left. No “I love
you”, no “be careful”, no “take care of each other” nothing. I shook my head
and continued to eat my chips and drink my soda. I looked at Melissa who was
opening a soda and walking towards me. “You better hide in Granma’s room
while my friends are here. Don’t even come out. Get whatever you need now
so you don’t have to show your stupid face out here.” She said and flicked the
silver tab at me from the soda can.

“Don’t worry, the last place I want to be is around your goofy friends. I’m
going to the beach to swim.”

“I really don’t care what you are doing, just don’t show your face. Go through
the sliding glass door into Granma’s room when you come back.”

As she walked out of the kitchen I stuck my tongue out at her. She was so
annoying and her friends were even meaner to me than she was. I picked up
the phone in the kitchen to see if Melissa was on the phone in her room. I
figured she would have called someone by now. She was always on the phone.
Bingo! She was talking to Linda, her friend, about the night’s plans. They
talked about how our mom was a “cool mom” that was never around and
basically let us do whatever we wanted. Linda said she was glad my
grandmother wasn’t there either so they could tell the boys to bring some
beers when they came. That was the one thing you didn’t do at our house,
drink our mom’s beer or smoke her cigarettes. The conversation bored me, so I
hung the phone up quietly, pressing the hook down slowly so Melissa
wouldn’t know I was listening in on her call.

I put my bowl in the sink and put my chips in the cabinet. My towel and radio
were outside in the garage from earlier, so I hopped on my 10 speed bike and
headed toward the beach. It was about a mile from our house. I could swim by
our house because we had a lot that was on the water, but there wasn’t sand
only rocks and mud. The beach had a sandbar so it was easier on my feet. As
I approached the beach I could see a couple of families there swimming. I
knew everyone in our neighborhood so I said hi to them and found a spot to
lay my towel out and turn on my radio. I took off my cut off shorts that were
covering my swim suit bottoms and ran into the water. There was one lady
playing with her baby, so I swam over to them and ask her how the baby was
doing. I chatted a little bit, then I dove under water and swam around.

Everyone began leaving and I was happy to have the whole beach by myself. I
turned up my radio and heard Andy Gibb singing ‘Shadow Dancin’. I told
myself to remember to finish my mix tape I was working on. I didn’t have that
song yet, but I knew that if I listened to the top 40 tomorrow, Casey Kasem
was going to play it. It was number one last week, so I could figure out when
to listen and I could record it. I swam some more and began to pretend to be
that lady that was the first person to get eaten by Jaws, so I started swaying in
the water and going under really fast like something was jerking me under.
Then I kinda scared myself. What if sharks could live in fresh water? I got out
really fast and laid on my towel with my heart beating. I thought about those
families that were on the beach when I got there. They all looked so happy and
looked like they were having fun together. Mom and Melissa would never
come to the beach, other than 4th of July. That’s when everyone in the
neighborhood would have a picnic and then shoot fireworks. That was fun.

It was beginning to get dark, so I knew that it was getting close to 8:00. I
couldn’t wait to watch The Dukes of Hazzard and Dallas that night. As I rode

my bike into our driveway I saw a car. Melissa’s friends were already there. I
remembered I didn’t put any sodas and snacks in Granma’s room. I didn’t dare
try to go in through the front and swing by the kitchen to get some so I did as
ordered and went around to the back of the house where Granma’s room was.
There were two sliding glass doors that led into her room. I tried to open them
but they were locked. I put my hand against the glass to look into the room
and there was Melissa’s friend Linda totally naked dancing around the room
with a guy laying on the bed naked as well. I banged on the door and screamed
for her to get out of the room. She looked me dead in the eye and started
walking toward me. I thought I was going to throw up. I didn’t want to see her
without any clothes on so I looked away thinking she was going to let me
inside. Instead, she drew the curtains together. My stomach rose up in my
throat and I starting screaming! I ran to the front of the house and that door
was locked. I ran into the garage only to find that door was locked as well. I
could hear my sister start laughing and heard her say, “should have gotten here
earlier retard.”

I was so mad. I started counting to 10 like my grandmother told me to do
when I’m angry. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…by the
time I got to seven I had calmed down. I remembered my mom had taken a
cooler out on the back patio last night. I hoped there was a Coke in there. I
headed out to the patio and saw the cooler. I opened it and found one. At least
I could sit on the patio and listen to my radio while they were inside, I thought.
I was furious that I would miss my shows. I guess my sister figured out where
I was because she turned off the patio light to leave me in the dark. The moon
was shining on the water. I thought about how I was like the lake. One minute
everything would be going smooth, then out of nowhere something would
happen to upset me like when a storm hit the lake. The waters would thrash
around sad and angry just like me.

I’m not sure how long I stayed outside and I was really hungry. I thought I
heard someone talking so I ran to the side of the garage and bent down. I saw
one boy walking out of the house. He was walking to his car as he was yelling
at someone. “Hurry up let’s go,” he said.

Then another boy walked out carrying his shirt. “I’m coming.”

“We still have time to go to the party, right?

“Yep. Man that Linda sure is an easy lay.” The shirtless one said.

“Um if your girlfriend finds out you did it with her, you’re gonna hate life.”

“She won’t find out.” The other guy said and they left.

As I listened to them I didn’t realize the door was open so I made a run for it
as quickly as I could. I was so happy to be inside but as I turned to go into the

kitchen I saw Melissa and Linda clearing up beer cans and chip bags.

“Oh God, what are you doing here?” Linda said when she saw me.

“Getting some food.” I said, not giving her the time of day.

“You are such a little bitch.” She replied trying to get me riled up.

So I say, “Linda. What does an easy lay mean?” and I tilted my head to one
side pretending to be naive.

“Don’t act retarded, you know what it means. Why are you asking me that,
dork?

“Nothing really. Just that one of those guys called you that.” I said with a big
grin on my face.

“You little bitch. I’m going to beat the shit out of you.” She started for me and
I took off running to the kitchen. I grabbed a butcher knife and turned around
to meet her. I held it out in front of me.

“Oh please, you gonna stab me?

“You gonna beat the shit out of me?

“You wouldn’t do it.” She dared me.

I pointed the knife at her, not letting up. Melissa got between us and looked at
Linda, “She’s just psychotic enough to do it. Let’s go. Anyway you need to
help me throw up all the food we just ate.” They left me alone in the kitchen.

It was about 11:30 and I was starving. I opened the freezer and got a frozen
pizza. It would take about 20 minutes to cook, but I was hungry and I really
wanted something to eat so I turned the oven on and put it in without
preheating. I got a soda from the fridge and pick up my book from the counter
and sat at the kitchen table. I was about halfway through and I had only been
reading since yesterday morning. I think about the time I was in third grade
and couldn’t read very well.

I remembered trying to sit still and being nervous because I knew we had to
read aloud that day before we could go to recess. Everyone in the class had to
do it. I hated it. When it came my turn it took me longer to read than
everybody else and the teacher had to help me with a lot of words. Finally I
got through what I had to read and the teacher said we could go to recess. As I
was starting out the door my teacher asked me to stay a minute.

“Am I in trouble?” I asked worried that my bad reading had gotten me in
trouble and now I wouldn’t get to play outside.

“No, not at all”, she replied. “I just wanted to let you know I’m going to call
your Mother and set up a conference. I would like to send you to the reading

lab every day instead of you going to music or P.E. That way you can get some
extra attention and we can get you caught up so you don’t struggle anymore.”
I knew she was trying to help me, but I only focused on the part where she was
going to call my mom. My head started hurting. My mom always told me she
never wanted to be called into school for ANY reason. Only if it was a life
threatening event should she ever be called and then she would meet me at the
hospital.

I smiled at my teacher and told her I liked the reading lab. That wasn’t a lie. I
would much rather work on reading than go to Music. The music teacher was
mean and smelled like moth balls. She would smack us on the head with a
ruler if we weren’t paying attention to when she was drawing music notes on
the chalk board. I would actually trade that smack on my head than have to
deal with my mom that night. She was going to be so mad. I could hear her
telling me, not only did I break a promise, but she would have to take off of
work to make the meeting. It was going to be a bad night. I started feeling sick
to my stomach as I walked out to the playground. I didn’t even feel like doing
anything outside. I just wanted to sit in the classroom. But I couldn’t so I
started looking for Ellen who I knew would be saving me a swing. I was
headed for the swings where I saw her sitting in one with her legs in another
one next to it. That’s how we saved them. Right as I was about to make it over
to her a few girls surrounded me.

“Hey Dummy.” The leader of the pack, Sheryl said. “How it feel to be
dumbest in the class?” she asked me bobbing her head up and down. Sheryl
was ugly inside and out. She was blacker than coal – that is how my mom
always described really black people. And she had five short braids in her hair.
Two on each side with one smack dab in the middle. I always thought that
middle one was unnecessary.

“Shut up Sheryl.” I said and kept walking. I wasn’t in the mood.

“Make me.”

“Just leave me alone.”

“Stupid white girl, don’t know how to read.”

There it was. Why did it always have to come down to what color we were?
My school was mostly black. Out of the 12 girls in my class there were only
three white girls. That is how we were divided. But I didn’t play with the other
two white girls. Ellen was my best friend and she was black. We had been
friends since kindergarten.

I turned to Sheryl and gave her my “don’t mess with me” look. I stood about
four inches over her and even though I was thin my height made me look
bigger than her.

“What? You gonna do somethin honkey?” She asked as she threw her hands
up in the air. She started raising her voice so the other kids began gathering
around us. Ellen came over quickly from the swings and tried to grab my
arms. She told me to ignore Sheryl and suggested we go over to the
Kindergarten side and push the little kids on the swings so we could get a
citizenship sticker. I knew I was too far in and I had to do something. I didn’t
want to fight, but I couldn’t look weak, especially to a bully like Sheryl. She
was always trying to start something with the other two white girls but they
would just cry and go to the principal.

“I’m not going to fight you.” I said looking down at her. We were very close to
each other like boxers before they started the fight when the referee was going
over the rules. Only there weren’t rules in schoolyard fights and definitely no
referees. Everyone started chanting “fight, fight, fight”.

“Well I’m fightin’ you.” She said and took a swing at me. I turned to my left
and she only hit my shoulder but she was aiming at my face. All the rage just
built up in me from thinking about my conversation with my teacher and I
grabbed the middle braid in her hair and pulled as hard as I could. She
screamed and I let go only to hit her square in the mouth with my fist. Blood
went everywhere and all the kids started yelling! The teacher on recess duty
saw the commotion and ran over to stop the fight. It was already over once
the blood started. Sheryl started crying and the teacher made us both go
inside. She told me to go to the principal and she took Sheryl to the nurse.
Another call went to my Mom only this time she had to leave work right away
and come get me. I was going home for the rest of the day.

I remembered the look on my mom’s face when she entered the principal’s
office. She had blue eyes, but when I was in trouble, they were light blue like
ice and I always called that look the icy-death-stare. I could feel the blood
slowly drain from my body. She pulled me up by the arm, apologized over and
over to the principal and swore it would never happen again. The principal
liked me and told her I only had to go home that day. I could come back
tomorrow. Sheryl on the other hand was suspended for the rest of the week.
This was her fourth time in his office in two weeks. I felt a little victorious but
I didn’t show it right then, I could save that for the next day. Right then I had
to get my eyes to look like a lost puppy and hope my mom would somehow
understand that I was standing up for myself.

Mom didn’t say a word as we walked to the car. She only snapped her fingers
and pointed to where she had parked. I was really in trouble, if she wasn’t
saying anything. I slid into the front seat and kept my head lowered looking at
my sneakers that were really dirty. She still didn’t say anything as we pulled
up to my grandmother’s house. She only snapped her fingers and pointed for
me to get out, so I did and she drove away. I couldn’t even imagine what was

going on in her head at that moment, but I was grateful she had to go back to
work and I could tell Granma what happened. I knocked on the door and she
opened it surprised.

“What’s going on?” she asked as she opened the door wider to let me in.

“Umm, well I got into a fight. Got sent home.”

“Are you okay?” she asked as she shut the door and hugged me. “What on
Earth made you fight? That is not like you at all. Tell me what happened.” She
led me in the kitchen and pulled out a chair for me at the table. Then she got a
glass from the cabinet and poured me some orange juice. She also began
making me a sandwich as she listened to my story. I told her what happened
beginning with me having to go to reading lab and worrying because mom
would have to come to school. Then I just lost it when Sheryl started making
fun of me. I told her she swung at me first and I busted her lip. I took a drink
of the juice and put my hands over my face talking into them.

“Mom is so mad at me right now. I’m really going to get it when we go
home.” I said still covering my face. I was dreading going home. I wish I
could just stay there with my grandmother because unlike my mom she
actually listened to what was going on about me. My mom always worried
about what I did that may reflect on her. She always turned everything around
to her. My grandmother told me to stop worrying. It wouldn’t make anything
better if I did. She was on my side and would back me, but I knew that once
my mom started in on me nothing or nobody could stop her. I would just deal
with it that night and not think about it anymore that afternoon. I ate my
sandwich and then my grandmother gave me some jello with fruit in it. She
even had some coolwhip I could put on top. Gilligan’s island was on TV so
for the rest of the afternoon I didn’t think about the upcoming evening. My
grandmother read me a story from her Reader’s Digest and I pretended to
listen. She like to do that, even though I really wasn’t interested in what she
was reading, but I listened anyway. It was the least I could do for someone
who always did everything for me.

I was beginning to relax, when the door swung open. “Jennifer your ass is in
so much trouble, I don’t even know where to begin.” My mom said her face
beaming red. “How could you do this to me? Do you realize how humiliated I
am right now? First I get a call that you can’t read and need to go to special
education. Then I get another call for me to come get you because you were
fighting.” She was yelling and headed to the kitchen to get a beer she kept at
Granma’s.

“It’s not special ed, mom, its reading lab. I go every day with everyone else.
I’m just going to go extra so I can practice reading a little more.” I said trying
to reason with her.

“Oh please. They can call it what they want, it’s special ed and we all know it.
I’m so embarrassed. Your smug teacher had an implicating tone. I’m sure
she’s telling everyone what a bad mother I am for not helping you read better,
even though it’s HER job to do it. I pay my taxes which pays her salary.” She
droned one. How did we get on this subject, I thought. I just sat down on the
couch beside my grandmother and let my mom go on. There was no point in
trying to calm her down or reason with her. So then she started on the fight.
“And worse, you got into a fight? Are you trying to be white trash? I just can’t
believe you put me in this situation. Do you even care about how this makes
me look? What were you thinking? Do you remember your promises to me?”
And there it was. I should have kept the timer on how long it would take her to
remind me that I had broken yet another promise. Same song, different station.

I snapped out of the thought when I heard the oven timer go off. How long did
I drift off? Apparently 20 minutes long. I walked over to the oven and grabbed
a pot holder. The pizza was a little underdone in the middle just like I liked it.
I took it out and cut it up into four slices. I added some hot sauce to a couple
of the slices and went back to the table. I ate my pizza and read my book for
another hour. It was getting close to 1:00 am. I threw the pizza that I didn’t eat
away and quietly tiptoed to my room. It was directly across the hall way from
Melissa’s room so I tried quietly to get my pjs. I smelled a funny smell and
realized they were smoking pot. I only knew what pot smelled like because my
mom tried it one time and it smelled up the whole house. It made her sick so
she didn’t try it again. I knew Melissa and her friends smoked it. I took my pjs
and went to my grandmother’s room. She had a bathroom attached to her room
so I locked the door and took a shower. I put my hair up in a towel and put my
pjs on after I dried off. I remember that Linda was in there with a boy, so I
stripped the sheets off of the bed and took them to the laundry room that was
next to my grandmother’s room. I found some sheets and put them on the bed
along with a new blanket. I looked at the clock 2:00 am. My mom still wasn’t
home. I started to worry. I knew she drove when she drank, so I was hoping
she was sober enough to get home. I tried to keep my eyes open, but I fell
asleep.

I was awaken by a loud banging on the door. I rubbed my eyes to look at the
clock. It was 4:30 am. The banging continued and my mom started yelling my
name. As I opened the door, I guess my mom was leaning against it and she
fell into the room. She started laughing and rolling around the floor. She was
drunk. Drunker than Cooter Brown. Wasn’t that the saying? She smelled like
beer and cigarettes. Her hair was a mess and her makeup was smeared all over
her face. She wanted to know why I was in my grandmother’s room and I
really didn’t want to explain I was hiding from Melissa, so I just helped her
up. She was stumbling around and falling down. I managed to help her to the
bathroom so she could shower. She could barely wash by herself, but while

she did, I ran to her room and got her nightgown. She was drying off as I
handed it to her. Since we were still in my grandmother’s room I steered her
toward the bed. She climbed in and told me I could be a good girl sometimes
and passed out.

I didn’t get much sleep, but I didn’t want to miss Saturday morning cartoons,
so I got up early. I turned on the TV and went into the kitchen to fix a bowl of
cereal. I came back in the living room to watch Scooby Doo and eat my Lucky
Charms. I loved Saturday mornings. I got up earlier than mom and Melissa
because they usually slept until noon. That gave me time to watch my
cartoons, eat my cereal and get out of the house by the time they got up. It was
perfect. This was the only morning I had to myself. Even during the week in
summertime, mom was always getting us up because she had to get up for
work, so we needed to be up too. This particular Saturday we were going to
Robert’s. He was my mom’s boyfriend and had been for two years. He was a
boss somewhere so every summer he had people that worked for him come to
his house one weekend. They would bring their families and he would cook.
There were games for the kids. He had a swimming pool so we would all get
to swim. Mom would make me go so I could play with the other kids. Mostly
they wanted us to entertain ourselves so they could party. As I’m drinking the
milk from my bowl, my mom slowly walked into the living room where I was.

“Are you ready to go?” she asked very quietly. I figured she had a headache
from the night before.

“I’m watching cartoons. I’ll get my stuff after this show is over.” I said to her
watching the TV and not looking at her.

“Get your shit now. We need to be at Robert’s before everyone else.”

I was annoyed and I really wanted to watch the show, but I knew if I didn’t get
up, she would start yelling at me. So I took my bowl into the kitchen and put
it in the sink. I headed down the hallway to my room and heard my mom
talking to Melissa and Linda. They were telling her they had two other girls
over and they did their nails and listened to records all night. They told her
the other girls left at around 10:00 and then they pigged out on junk food. She
laughed and told them she wished she were back in high school doing the
same thing. Only she added that Melissa should have backed away from the
junk food and maybe tried some vegies instead. She said it jokingly, but I
knew she meant it. She was always telling Melissa she needed to watch her
weight. Boys didn’t like fat girls. I walked past her and went into my room to
find my swim suit. I packed it and an extra pair of clothes in my backpack. I
walked out of my room only to be blocked in the hallway by Melissa and
Linda.

“You’re lucky twerp, we didn’t come into your room last night and tie you up

and pee all over you.” Linda said. “I’m still going to get you for what you
said.”

“I’m not scared of you.” I told her and tried to walk between them.

“You should be.”

“What if I tell mom you lied about last night? And that you were smoking
pot?” I looked right at Melissa. She grabbed my shirt and pulled me into her
room.

“Do it and die worm.” She said, then added, “I’ll tell mom you pulled a knife
on us for no reason. Who do you think she will believe? You’ve gotten in
trouble before for fighting, so be real and keep your trap shut.” I pushed her
hand off my shirt she had twisted up around my neck and walked out of her
room.

I hated going over to Robert’s house, but I didn’t want to stay around my
house with Melissa and Linda. It wouldn’t be so bad today since there would
be other kids there to hang out with. Normally when I went over there with
mom it was just her, Robert and two of their friends, so I had to find ways to
occupy my time while they sat around smoking and drinking. It took us about
30 minutes to drive out to his house and there were already people standing
around when we drove up. Robert met us at the car and as soon as mom got
out he grabbed her by the arm and told her she was late and that he was doing
everything by himself. She needed to get over to the guest and start
entertaining, he told her and shoved her in the direction of where everyone
was. He looked at me and pointed to the pool where all the other kids were
swimming. I rolled my eyes at him and walked to the side of the pool and put
my feet in. One girl, Mia swam up to me. I knew here from other parties and I
was glad she was there.

The day went by quickly as all of us kids, swam, played basketball, horseshoes
and washers. I ate tons of food and we all joked we needed a nap. It was
getting late and everyone started leaving until it was only Robert, Mom and
me. I was hoping she was ready to go too since it was almost midnight. Robert
told us he wanted to play a round of pool before we left, so we went in the
house to play. He told me to rack a game of 9 ball, so I did. He shot the queue
ball into the racked balls and they scattered all over the table.

“Well looky there! I sat them all up for ya.” He was staggering around the
table with his pool stick looking for his drink. “You should be able to run the
table.”

“Not likely.” I said trying to sound funny but it came out wrong.

“Go on and shoot, Jenn.” My mom said.

I took a shot at the one ball and made it in the pocket. I then shot at the two
ball and made it as well. The three ball was line up to the side pocket and I
have never been able to make that shot. Not that I played pool a lot, it was just
when I had to make that shot, I always missed. The queue ball was at a weird
angle, so I closed one eye and tried to aim for the three ball. As usual, I
missed.

“Your turn Robert.” I said. He and mom were talking not paying attention to
the game.

“What do you mean my turn?” he asked and walked over to the table. “That
was an easy shot, you should have made it.”

“I can’t ever make that shot.” I said laughingly.

“You just didn’t try. Put the ball back where it was and try again.” He said
firmly.

“Ok.” I said as I shrugged my shoulders. I put the three ball back where it was
and put the queue ball back as well. I aimed my stick at the queue ball and
shot. I came closer than I ever had, but I missed again.

“Put it back and do it again.” He demanded.

“It’s okay, you can go now. Thanks for letting me have the do over.” I sat
down on the barstool and waited for him to take his turn.

“I didn’t ask you to do it over, I’m telling you to do it over.” He said and
shoved the pool stick at me.

“Let’s just play the game and get it over with” I said.

“DO IT OVER!” he screamed at me.

I looked at my mom to see if she would come to my defense, but all she did
was turn her back to me and take a drink of beer.

“Fine.” I said and took the stick from him. I got the three ball and slammed it
down on the table. I then took the queue ball and lined it up. With a great force
I shot the queue ball over the other ball and it flew off the table and on to the
floor. My mom jumped up and glared at me.

“What they hell was that?” Robert said angrily.

“Guess I missed again.” And I threw down my stick and ran out of the house
to the car. I got in the backseat, locked the doors and laid down. I was toast, I
thought. Mom was going to be pissed and I waited for her to come out there
and get me. She never did. I fell asleep and she woke me up by banging on
the window. It had been an hour and a half and I was sweating. I unlocked
the door and she got in. She told me to get in the front seat, so I did. She

opened up a beer and put it between her legs and we drove down the road in
silence. The only time she spoke to me was when she told me to light a
cigarette for her. I pushed the lighter on the dashboard in and got a cigarette
from the pack in her purse. The lighter popped out and was bright red in the
dark. I put the cigarette in my mouth and took a long drag holding it until it
was lit. I blew the smoke out and handed her the cigarette.

The next morning we all got up and got ready for Church. We would pick my
grandmother up on the way and I couldn’t wait to see her. This was a rough
weekend. I wasn’t going to tell her about Melissa and her friends, but I was
going to tell her my side of the story about what happened at Robert’s house,
because I was sure my mom was going to bring it up at some point. After
Church we drove through town and I was hoping we were going to go to Dairy
Queen for lunch, but we drove past it straight through to our house. We all got
out of the car and I helped my grandmother with her things. She told me to go
change and help her with lunch. I always liked to help her make Sunday
dinner, that is, if we didn’t get Dairy Queen. Today she was going to make
hamburger patties and rice. We only ate a big lunch on Sunday, other days we
were on our own with sandwiches or frozen pizzas. I put on my swim suit and
cut off shorts and went into the kitchen to help her. My job was to make the
rice. I got out the sauce pan, measured the water, and put it on the stove to
boil. I watched the pot hoping my grandmother would see me. It was our little
joke. I would stand there and wait for it to boil and she would tell me that if I
watched it we would never get the rice done because we both knew “a
watched pot never boils”. She saw me and smiled. Then gave me a pretend
swat on my bottom. I laughed and went to the fridge for a soda. I jumped on
the counter and sat there while she made the patties to fry. I always sat on the
counter while she cooked and watched her every move. She told me that I was
bound to be such a good cook because I never took my eyes off of what she
was doing.

“Mom’s mad at me.” This was the best time I could think of to tell her what
had happened the night before.

“Why?” she asked as she cooked.

“I made a pool ball fly off the pool table at Robert’s last night and threw the
stick on the floor then locked myself in the car for over an hour.” I said
lowering my head.

She stopped what she was doing and wiped her hands on her towel she had
thrown over her shoulder. She looked at me with concern. “Why did you do all
of that?” She asked.

“I got mad. Robert kept making me take a shot that I always miss. I did it over
a couple of times and tried to get him to just play the game and he yelled at

me.” I kept my head lowered.

“Well I’m really not sure what to say, other than you know you are supposed
to be respectiful to adults.”

I looked up at her with disbelief in my eyes and she could see it. “But on the
other hand if he wasn’t being respectful to you then…” and my mom walked
in.

“Whoa wait a minute. Are we talking about last night? Why on Earth would
Robert have to be respectful to a disrespectful child? Jennifer, you are on thin
ice with me, right now. How could you have acted like that?” She said.

“Mom, he was being mean. I tried to just play the game with him, but he kept
on making me make the shot.”

“HE was TRYING to HELP you make a hard shot.”

“He was drunk.” I immediately regretted saying that. My mom’s face
reddened and she glared at me with the icy-death stare. “You’re grounded.”
She said through her clenched teeth. “Go to your room.” She added.

“Molly let’s talk-“, my grandmother started to say.

“Mother, stay out of this. She needs to know when she’s wrong. She doesn’t
need your coddling right now. She is MY daughter last time I checked.” She
pulled me down from the counter and snapped her fingers in the direction of
my room. I looked at my grandmother and she frowned at me, then squinted
her eyes to my mom with her lips tight. I went to my room and closed the
door. This was a great weekend, I thought, as my stomach growled for lunch.

I had crawled under my bed and must have fallen asleep when I heard my
grandmother calling my name. She looked under the bed and found me. She
smiled and held out her hand. I rolled out to see her with a plate of food and a
glass of milk. I had been asleep for a few hours and she wanted me to eat, so
she waited until mom left for Robert’s to bring me something. She smiled at
me again and left the room. I ate my lunch on my bed in my room. After I was
done, I got all of my Barbie dolls together and decided to build a city for them
out of legos and Lincoln logs. I really didn’t care if I had to stay in my room. I
had plenty of toys to keep me busy. I would rather be outside at the lake, but
this wasn’t too bad. So I started piling blocks around and changed my Barbie’s
clothes. My door slightly creaked open and I looked up from my dolls.
Melissa was crawling on the floor towards me. She had messed up her hair all
crazy like and started making faces.

“Don’t I look like the girl from The Exorcist?” She asked and started twitching
around the floor.

“She was pale and throwing up pea soup. Plus she was doing the crab walk.

You’re just crawling. Get out of here I’m grounded.” I said looking back down
at my Barbie.

“I know you’re grounded, stupid. Do you think I’m retarded or something?”

“Do you really want me to answer that?” I said, trying to keep myself from
smiling.

“Sure if you want me to punch you in the face.” She replied and picked up a
Barbie. She started braiding her hair.

“Why are you in here?” I quizzed her.

“Because I don’t think you should be grounded.” She said as she continued to
braid my doll’s hair not looking at me. I pretended to faint with my hand going
up to my head and laid there for a second. I sat back up and asked why she
was being so nice to me.

She didn’t say anything. She kept braiding the Barbie’s hair. When she finally
spoke, she looked me dead in the eye, “He hits her you know.” Her eyes
started to water.

“Yea I know.” I said waiting for her to continue still holding her gaze.

“The way I see it, he can push her around all he wants. But as far as you go,
I’m the ONLY one that can push you around. You dig where I’m coming
from? He better not lay a hand on you AND if he does you BETTER tell me.
Got it?”

“Umm ok.” I said. I think I was in shock.

“Good”. She stood up to walk out then turned around and threw my Barbie at
me.

The summer started flying by. I mostly swam and played with other kids at the
beach whenever they were around. Sometimes I would go into the woods and
build forts. At one point during the summer I took all of the screens off of the
windows of the house and built a really nice one. I thought my mom was
going to come unglued when she realized what I had done. I let her yell at me,
but she never grounded me. She spent a lot of time at Robert’s and didn’t take
me with her. I guessed after my “episode” at his house that night, he didn’t
want me around. My grandmother didn’t leave as much on the weekends and
if she did, I would go with her and spend the weekend helping her clean, mow
the grass and take care of her spectacular rose bushes. I pretty much laid low
and tried not to get on my mom’s bad side and break yet another promise to
her. I also stayed out of Melissa’s way as much as I could. She seemed to be
preoccupied with her upcoming Senior Year at school and she now had a
boyfriend, so she too, wasn’t around that much. It was fine with just me and
my grandmother. We had a routine and it worked out nicely for both of us.

I came home one Friday evening of playing outside to hear my mom and sister
arguing loudly.

“Why can’t you do this for me?” My sister screamed at my mom.

“Because it is not my problem.” My mom screamed back at her.

“You are so hateful. Why can’t you be helpful instead of always thinking
about how you will look? This is something you have to do. You are never
here for us. You are so worried about yourself you can’t even see past that. I
need your help with this. The abortion can’t happen without the consent of a
person over 18.” Melissa said still screaming.

Did she say abortion? I thought to myself. Oh no. She can’t be pregnant. I
began to worry for my sister.

“Melissa, Linda is not my daughter. Her mother needs to be aware of this and
sign the consent. I’m not going to do it.” She said turning away from her to
leave the living room. I was immediately relieved it wasn’t Melissa.

“I hate you. You know she can’t tell her Mother. They will send her off
somewhere to have the baby. They don’t believe in abortions. Now I’m going
to lose my best friend. It wasn’t enough that you made my father leave, now
you’re making my best friend go away.” Melissa had stopped crying and her
tone was low and cold. “I will never forgive you for this.” She stormed away
to the bathroom and slammed the door. I walked to the bathroom and put my
ear against the door to see if she was still crying. I could hear her gagging and
knew that she was trying to make herself throw up. She did that a lot,
especially after she ate a lot of junk food or was upset.

My mom walked into the kitchen and yelled for me to come in there. She
opened a can of beer and handed me the tab as I walked in. “Here this is for
the rope you’re making.” She said sadly. I had almost twelve feet of tabs I
hooked together and she knew that I had a goal to make fifty feet. She looked
sad as she sat down.

“Jennifer, come over here and sit down.” She said. She lit a cigarette and
sighed as she exhaled. “Please make me three promises.” She looked at me as
I sat down.

“Umm okay.”

“Please promise me you will never take drugs, go to jail or get pregnant out of
wedlock.” She looked me dead in the eye and held it there for a minute.

“Mom, please. I’m only 11 years old. Why would I do those things anyway?”
Was she serious? I couldn’t imagine doing anything like that.

“Promise me, okay?”

“Promise.” I said thinking this was an awkward conversation.

It was finally July 4th. Mom had told me that I could go pick out fireworks. I
was waiting on her to wake up. As she walked into the kitchen, I asked her
when we would be going to the fireworks stand.

“Well we have a change of plans.” She said as she filled the coffee pot full of
water.

“What change of plans?” I asked.

“We are going to Robert’s.” And she continued to make coffee.

“Mom, are you kidding me?” I almost started crying. “We always go to the
beach on 4th of July. My friends are going to be there and we are going to
have Roman candle wars and shoot bottle rockets at each other.”

“As unsafe as that sounds, we are not going to the beach this year. Robert
wants us to come to his house. His sons and their girlfriends will be there, so
he would like y’all to be there too.” She plugged the coffee pot in and it started
to percolate. She had a pack of cigarettes in her robe and she picked one out of
the packet and lit it.

“So Melissa has to go too?” I asked.

“Yes. Go wake her up and tell her to come here.”

“Ok. Your funeral.” I said and walked to Melissa’s room. I knew better than to
yell for her.

I pounded on her locked door. “Mom has some great news she wants to share
with you.” I said and ran back to the kitchen to wait until she came in. Mom
fixed her coffee and I asked her if I could have some. She said yes, but I had to
fill my cup halfway with milk, then add the coffee. I did as she told me and I
added a lot of sugar. There would be fireworks all right, I thought, as Melissa
finally made it to the kitchen.

“What news do you have Mother.” Melissa asked annoyed.

“We are all going to Robert’s today.” She said sipping her coffee.

“Are you kidding me?”

“No I’m not.”

“Even though I hate to go to the beach, we always go, so the retard can shoot
her fireworks. You gonna take that away from her?” I looked at her shocked. I
wondered where she was going with this conversation.

“What do you mean Melissa?” Mom asked looking at her shaking her head.

“Well just look at her. She’s batshit crazy. She may go over the edge if you

don’t take her.” She looked at me and glared. I knew exactly what she was
doing. She was trying to make my mom FEEL bad by making me LOOK bad.
“I mean, come on. She’s known for fighting, and staying outside late. You
have to call her in after dark. And what about the screens she took from the
house to build a fort in the woods. Come on Mom that is messed up. Take her
to the beach today.” She was talking like a lawyer building his case for a
person on death row.

“Melissa, please. We’re going and that is that.” Mom stood up and refilled her
coffee.

“Well maybe we shouldn’t go, Mom. You never know what she is capable of.”
I turned to her quickly with my eyes wide open and my lips shut tight. I shook
my head at her, but she continued. “She did, after all, pull a knife on me and
Linda one time because she didn’t get her way.” She gave me a catlike smile.

“What?????” Mom turned to me, her face red. “Is she telling the truth
Jennifer?”

“Yes, but I was defending myself” I said looking at Melissa.

“No she wasn’t. She didn’t get her way like I said.” Melissa tilted her head
knowing she had won.

“Good Lord. I don’t want to deal with you two today.” She turned toward me.
“I’ll deal with you later. But as far as today goes, you are both going and that
is final.”

“Well at least let me take Jeff.” Melissa asked. He was her boyfriend.

“Fine. He can go.”

“Well then, I want to take Ellen.” I added.

“Jennifer. You know she can’t go with us.” Mom looked at me with a
disgusted look.

“Why not? She gets to take her boyfriend.” I argued.

“Because she is black.” My mom responded. What did that matter I thought?
“You know Robert doesn’t allow black people on his property.” She said.

“What difference does it make that she is black?”

“Well, Mom, if that is the case, she should be able to go seeing as she is only
half black. Remember her mother is white.” Melissa said with a smirk.

“That makes it even worse. You shouldn’t mix races.” My mom said. I
couldn’t believe how she was talking. She never said anything like that before.
It had to be Robert telling her that. Ellen had come over to her house many
times.

“Please get ready and let’s go.” She took her cup to the sink and went to her
room

“I really don’t like you right now.” I said to Melissa. “Well, I really don’t like
me right now either.” And she left the room.

Mom and I rode together and Melissa rode with her boyfriend to Robert’s
house. Luckily, for mom, nobody was there yet. I jumped into the pool while
Melissa and her boyfriend talked with Mom and Robert. About an hour after
we had been there, his sons finally showed up. He had two boys and they each
brought their girlfriends. They were two and four years older than Melissa, but
she had heard of them. They were known drug dealers, but Robert didn’t have
a clue. I heard Melissa telling Jeff that earlier that day. Melissa also knew the
girls. They were her age, but went to different high schools than she did. She
knew they were into drugs as well. They were all talking, Melissa, her
boyfriend, Robert’s sons, their girlfriends, Robert and Mom. I was laying on
my raft in the pool. Melissa and her boyfriend went over to shoot basketball
and Mom and Robert started cooking. I noticed that Robert’s sons and the girls
kept going out behind his house. I wondered what they were doing, so I got
out of the pool and went to where Melissa was.

“Why do they keep going to the back of the house?” I asked Melissa.

“Don’t worry about it.” She said as she shot the basketball to the goal.

“Stay away from them, Jenn.” Jeff said concerned. “They are bad news. Go
back to the pool or you can stay here with us, just don’t be alone with them.

“Go back to the pool, turd.”

“Don’t be mean to her.” Jeff said defending me. I liked him a lot. He was the
only friend of Melissa’s I liked. He was always nice to me.

“It’s okay. I’m going back to lay on my raft.” I said and smiled at him, then I
turned to Melissa and shot her the finger.

“That’s real nice.” She said.

“I still don’t like you.” I said as I walked off. I was mad at her for ratting me
out to mom. Tomorrow was going to be bad for me, that is, if mom
remembered.

I went back to the pool and got on my raft. I heard my mom say “shit” as she
looked in her purse for cigarettes. She had forgotten to pack more. She yelled
at Melissa. “Go to the store and get me a pack of cigs,” she demanded. Melissa
and Jeff were only too happy for the break. But before they left Melissa came
over to the edge of the pool where I had my leg propped up while I was laying
on my raft.

“Stay away from those girls while I am gone, Ok?” She said.

“Go get Mom’s cigarettes and leave me alone.”
“Fine, you little shit. See if I care what happens to you.” And she kicked my
foot off of the side of the pool.

I floated for a while on my raft on my stomach, when I noticed the girls get
into the pool.

“Can we hang off of your raft with you?” one girl asked.
“Ok” I replied and slid off.

“Cool!” The other girl said. We all put our arms out on the raft and floated.

“You are way prettier than you sister. And much skinnier.” One girl said.
“She’s just big boned is all.” I replied to them.

“How old are you?”

“I’m eleven.”
“Wow, you look older. Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Nope. Not yet anyways.” They both laughed.

“Well you sure are pretty. Have you ever smoked weed before.” One of the
girls said poking the other girl in the arm.
“No. My mom told me to never do drugs.” They both laughed out loud.

“You’re mom told you not to? Then you certainly should do it.”

“Don’t really want to.”
“So I guess that means she’s a virgin too.” The one girl said to the other girl.
Then they both started laughing. I felt very uncomfortable. So I let go of the
raft and climbed out of the pool while they were still laughing.

I walked over to where mom and Robert were sitting. Robert informed me that
they were sitting in the “no kid zone” and waved his hand away. My mom
didn’t say anything.
They had put the food in the house, so I figured now would be a good time to
eat and I walked into the house. I went to the bathroom and as I came out, the
two girls were waiting for me.

“You are really pretty.” One of them said.

“Thanks.” I said and went into the kitchen to find the food.
“Pretty enough to eat.” The other girl said laughingly.

They were starting to scare me, so I opened the silverware drawer to look for a
knife. All that was in there were butter knives. No sharp steak knives. I
grabbed one anyway and as I turned around they cornered me.

“So if you haven’t ever done weed that means you’ve never done coke.” One
of the girls said.

“No, I don’t do drugs, I told y’all.” I said. They were backing me into the
corner. I held up the knife and they both laughed.

“You know, Tami, she would be fun at our next party. What if we were to take
her with us? Man if we showed up with a virgin, the boys would have a field
day.” The one girl said licking her lips.

“I’m not scared of y’all.” I seem to have been using that phrase a lot lately. I
poked the knife in their direction.

“Honey, by the time we rub this coke on your gums, you’ll be doing whatever
we want. I’m going to have some fun with you.” The other girl said to me
while she snarled. I realized her teeth were all brown. Something I didn’t
notice earlier. I wasn’t sure what was going on and I started to get dizzy.

“I’m gonna sop you up like a biscuit in gravy.” One girl said smacking her
lips.

“I can use this knife on y’all” I said trying to sound brave.

“Honey, it’s you and a butter knife against me and Tami.” The other girl said.
Just then a voice came from behind them. “Y’all may want to take a step back.
She’s known for sticking whores.” I looked past them to see Melissa standing
there.

“Yea fat so. That right?’

“Yea that’s right” she said and with that she yelled at me “Stick her Jennifer!”
I didn’t know what came over me, but I started swinging the butter knife all
around and it came in contact with something.

“Oh my God, she cut me!” one of the girls said as she held her face. “That
little bitch cut me!” she said and ran out the door with the other girl following
her.

“Damn Jenn. You ACTUALLY cut her!” Melissa was laughing. “Oh shit now
you’re going to get it. Let’s go.” She said and we ran outside to where the
other girls were.

“That stupid girl just cut me with a knife” the girl was holding her face. My
mother and Robert came over to her. My mother looked at me with the icy-
death stare.

“Is this true Jennifer? Did you stab her?” she asked me all dramatic like.

Now everyone was around us. I told her yes, but I as defending myself. They
were trying to get me to take drugs, I continued on, but it seems like nobody
was listening to me. They were looking at Tami.

“Mom listen to her,” Melissa said coming to my defense. “She’s telling the
truth. She was defending herself. They do have drugs.” Melissa pointed to all
four of them

“My boys ain’t got no drugs. Do you son?” He turned to his older one.

“Hell no! She’s a little liar.”

“I am not! They were going to put drugs on my gums!” I started crying.

“Listen to her Mom!” Melissa demanded.

“So she was defending herself? Just like she did when she pulled the knife on
you?” My mom looked Melissa dead in the eye expecting an answer. I looked
at Melissa pleading for her to tell the truth.

“Yes.” She said. “Linda went after her to beat her up and Jennifer got the knife
out. “ She looked at me with her eyes blinking fast.

“Whoa!” Robert said stepping between me and my mom. “She’s done this
before?” He asked my mom directly, his back to me.

“Apparently. I just found out this morning.” She looked pathetically.

“Jennifer.” He said as he turned to face me and placed his hand on my
shoulder. I thought he was going to see if I was alright, instead he put his
other hand on my other shoulder and shook me as hard as he could all the
while yelling at me, “What in the hell is wrong with you.”

I must have passed out from him shaking me, because the next thing I
remember is waking up in the backseat of my mom’s car. We were almost
home, so I must have been out for over 20 minutes. I also had a terrible
headache.

I saw Melissa in the passenger seat. I wondered why she didn’t ride with Jeff. I
sat up and Melissa turned around. I could see she had been crying. Her
makeup was all smeared and she looked horrible. What happened? I felt really
confused.

“You okay?” She asked me.

“I guess. I have a headache.” I said still groggy.

We pulled into the garage and got out of the car. We all walked into the house
and Melissa went straight to her room. That wasn’t unusual, just I couldn’t

remember the last time I saw her look like that.

I headed for the kitchen to get some aspirin and a drink of water. I took the
tablet and washed it down. I decided I needed to take a bath to help with my
headache. I thought sitting in a hot bathtub would help. I started walking
toward the bathroom when my mom stopped me. She looked at me and shook
her head.

“Please don’t tell your grandmother what happened tonight.” She said. I really
didn’t want to tell her anyway. Seems like I was always telling her bad stuff,
so I thought I could let this one slide for now. It was over with anyway.

“Ok.” I said and went into the bathroom. I started the bath and put my hand
under the faucet feeling the hot water. I plugged the tub and let the water run. I
sat on the edge of the tub watching it fill, hoping my headache would ease up.
When the tub was half full, I took off my swim suit realizing that was all I had
on. I didn’t have my shorts over my bottoms, which was strange. I slipped into
the hot water and started feeling better. I sat in the tub until the water cooled
down. Then I washed my hair and soaped up. I got a towel for my hair and put
it up. Then I started drying off the rest of my body. I wrapped the towel around
me and turned to face the mirror. What I saw shocked me more than I think
I’ve ever been shocked. There on the side of my face was a red mark in the
shape of a nugget ring just under my left eye. So that was why I passed out
and my head hurt. Robert had hit me just like he hit my mom.

I just kept staring at myself in the mirror not believing what I was seeing. The
tears started flowing down my cheeks and I just kept staring. I wasn’t crying
because it hurt or even getting hit in the first place. The tears were flowing
over the fact my mom never said anything to me other than not to tell my
grandmother.

I walked into the kitchen the next morning to find Melissa and my mom sitting
at the kitchen table talking. That never happened.

“Oh my God. Look at your face! Your grandmother is going to kill me!” My
mom shrieked.

“Classic Mom. THAT is ALL you HAVE to say to her?” Melissa looked at
my mom with shame. “Jesus, if you’re not going to act concerned, let it be
about her. You could have said something like “Looks like a Mac Truck ran
over your face.” Melissa said glaring at her now. “But no, wait a minute, it
wasn’t a Mac Truck. It was your asshole boyfriend who hit your little girl. So
not only is he the biggest bastard I’ve ever met. Now he is a child abuser.”

“Stop saying bad things about him,” my mother said crying now. “He didn’t
mean it.”

“You make me sick.” My sister said and walked out of the room.

“Jennifer, he really didn’t mean it. I’m sure he is sorry.” She said still crying.
She would cry for him not for me? I couldn’t believe how she was reacting.

“Did he say he was sorry when we left?” I couldn’t remember anything.

“Well, he couldn’t actually.” She said wiping her face with a napkin and her
disposition changed immediately. “Your sister hit him over the head with a
beer bottle after he hit you.”

I stood outside my sister’s door unsure if I should knock or not. I didn’t even
know what I would say to her, but I needed to thank her. I knocked and she
told me to come in. She was sitting on her bed staring out the window. She
looked at me and grimaced. “Does it hurt?” She asked.

“A little.” I said. “Can I sit on the floor?”

“Sure.”

I sat down and crossed my legs Indian style. “Mom told me you hit Robert
with a beer bottle.” I said looking down at the carpet.

“Yep.”

“Thanks.”

“It was time I did something. I guess him hitting you was the old “straw on the
camel’s back” thing. Anyway I hope between you and me last night they will
break up. It will have to come from him. She’s not going to do it.” She was
looking out the window while she spoke.

“I’m sure she will now that he hit me.” I said thinking how could she stay with
him after that.

“She won’t”

“How do YOU know?”

“Cause that is what we were talking about when you came in. She wants to go
apologize to him for what you and I did.” I could see the tears rolling down
her face as she continued to look out the window.

“What WE did?” My heart started beating so fast and I couldn’t breathe. I
think I was past the point of crying. I got up and picked up the phone. “What
are you doing?” she asked looking at the phone.

“Calling Granma.”

I didn’t tell my mom I called her. Melissa and I stayed in her room. I told my
grandmother I needed her and asked if my uncle could drive her out to our
house. She wasn’t supposed to come home until after Church on Sunday, but

she could tell the fear in my voice. She asked me if everything was alright and
I told her it wasn’t. She said she would be there in an hour, so Melissa and I
waited for her to get there. We finally heard voices in the living room and we
cracked the bedroom door open to listen. My mom was in shock that my
grandmother was there and immediately knew I called her.

“Mother, go back home.” My mom said sternly.

“I will not. Jennifer called me very upset. Tell me what is going on?” My
grandmother started looking around for us. “Where are the girls?”

“I’m not sure.” My mother started talking nervously. “I need to tell you
something before you see Jennifer. There was an accident…”

“An accident?” My grandmother interrupted and we could tell she was getting
upset. “What kind of accident? Where is Jennifer? Explain what is GOING
ON!” My grandmother was yelling now. I never heard her yell before. Melissa
pushed me out into the hallway and we both started walking towards them.

When my grandmother saw me, she gasped. She ran over to me and hugged
me tightly. She moved me away from her so she could see my face but she
kept her hands on my shoulders. Then she touched my face and started crying.
The ring indention was barely there, but she could tell I had been hit. My eye
was starting to turn black and blue as well.

“Did that Son-of-a-Bitch do this to her?” She said to my mother with so much
force my mom actually jumped.

“Yes, it was an accident.” My mom said.

“This is not an accident, Molly. What did you say to him?”

“She didn’t say anything to him.” Melissa added. “But then, he was trying to
take care of the bleeding on his head.” She said shrugging her shoulders.

“Blood?”

“Oh yea. He hit Jennifer, so I bashed his head with a beer bottle.”

“What???” My grandmother couldn’t believe what all she was hearing.

“Yes, can you believe that? And that was after Jennifer had pulled a knife on
two sweet girls.” My mom was actually defending the two girls while trying to
take the attention off of her own self. I really couldn’t believe what I was
hearing. I didn’t know who my mom was anymore.

“Now I wish I would have hit YOU with a beer bottle.” Melissa said to my
mom and walked away, disappearing into the bathroom.

“Melissa! Get back here and apologize to me!” My mother warned.

My uncle walked in on the scene and asked what was going on? He took a
look at me, then to my mom and I could tell his temperature was rising. His
face got really red and he asked if Robert hit me. Everyone knew Robert had
hit my mom before but nobody did anything about it. She would always make
up some story and cover it up. But this was different. It was me.

“I’m going to go kill that bastard.” My uncle said and headed for the door.

“Wait!” My grandmother called out to him. “I’m going with you. He hasn’t
seen my wrath before but now he will.” And she too, headed for the door.

“No, please both of you. Stop! I’ll handle it. Please don’t go out there. You
don’t understand. I can handle this. I’ll tell him not to ever hit her again.
Please don’t go.” She was sobbing and fell to her knees dramatically.

“You’ve done quite enough, my dear.” My grandmother said to my mom and
she and my uncle left.

I walked past my mom sobbing on the floor and went to the kitchen to get a
frozen bag of peas for my eye. I took the peas from the freezer, got a soda,
some M&Ms and the WHOLE box of Twinkies. I walked past her again
daring her to say something about the box I was holding, but she just looked at
me and said nothing. She just sat there on the floor and wept. I sat on my bed
and looked at my snack spread. I felt very good at the moment, but then it
went away as I thought about what my mom had become. In, what felt like an
instant, she went from someone I admired to someone I felt nothing. I swung
my legs over the snacks and kneeled beside my bed. I clasped my hands
together and closed my eyes.

I said the Lord’s Prayer, then I added something of my own. “My Father in
Heaven. Please forgive me for not liking my mom right now. I know that the
Bible says I have to, but the Bible also says I can be forgiven for my sins. So I
want to ask to be forgiven for a little while for not liking my mom. I know that
I will like her again someday, but for right now I just can’t. Also, please
forgive me for all the mean thoughts I had against my sister over the last year.
Please take care of my Grandmother. Please don’t ever take her away from me.
Amen.” I always felt better after I prayed so I jumped on my bed and tore into
the first package of Twinkies.

It was late by the time my grandmother got home. My uncle dropped her off
and he didn’t come in. He was probably too mad at my mom.

My mom practically pounced on her as she walked into the house with her
arms full of groceries. “What did you do? What did you say to him?” She
asked quickly following my grandmother to the kitchen. My grandmother
placed the bags on the counter and started speaking. “Well I told him if he ever
laid a hand on you or the girls he need not worry about going to jail.” She said

in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Ok, so what does that actually mean? You won’t press charges?” Mom was
confused.

“No. I won’t press charges. I told him I would find him, chop him up into little
pieces and feed him to the alligator gar in Caddo Lake.” She said that so
confidently, that I laughed out loud from behind the wall. They didn’t know I
was listening and my mom peaked around to see me standing there.

“That’s not funny, Jennifer.” She said, then turned to my grandmother. “What
did he say?”

“What could he say? Other than the fact he doesn’t want to see you anymore.
Which, by the way Molly, is a good thing. It’s for the best.”

“Oh my God. Oh my God. What am I going to do? What have you done? Why
did you have to go out there? I love him!!” She started crying again.

“Molly get ahold of yourself. You need to think about your children for once
in your life.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” She kept saying.

“Snap out of it is what you are going to do. Go get a beer, smoke a cigarette,
whatever! Just start being a good mother.” She looked at me and frowned. I
didn’t care! Robert was gone. Just like Melissa said. It would have to be him
to break up! I ran to her room and knocked on her door. She opened it and I
burst in. “Ding Dong the Witch is dead, the witch is dead, the witch is dead!” I
sang and danced around her room.

“What are you talking about?” Melissa said getting aggravated.

“We threw a bucket on the wicked old witch!!!! Only this time the wicked old
witch is Robert! You were right! We were so bad, Robert doesn’t want to see
Mom anymore!” I kept dancing around the room and stopped to see the
expression on her face. Her face lit up for an instant, then it changed back to
her same old mean stare. “We’ll see how long it will last. Don’t hold your
breath, kid.” And she ushered me out of her room.

My mom eventually snapped out of her on again off again depression. After a
couple of weeks, she seemed to be getting into a normal routine. She even
backed off drinking, meaning she would only drink on the weekend. She
started hanging out with an old high school friend who had just returned to
town. She was recently widowed after a long marriage and we thought she was
good for our mom. My mom started going with me to the beach on Saturdays
and we visited Dairy Queen frequently after Church. Both of which were fine
with me. Melissa spent more and more time with her boyfriend over at his
house, so mom didn’t have to worry about me and her fighting all the time.

My grandmother was around during the week, but after she was comfortable
with how my mom was acting, she started going to her house on the
weekends. Everything seemed to be adjusting well and I was happy again. I
thought about that prayer I prayed specifically for forgiveness for my mom. I
knew He would make things right for all of us.

It was two weeks before school was about to start and my mom was all excited
to go school clothes shopping since I told her I wanted to start dressing more
like a girl than a boy. So she took me and Melissa to the Mall in Shreveport.
We spent the whole day getting new clothes and even stopped for lunch.

One afternoon after that day she came home ecstatic. “You’ll never believe
what Nita did! She got us tickets to see Tom Jones in Houston this Saturday
night!!!” she exclaimed. I was laughing at her because I knew she liked him.
“Mother, will you stay with the girls while I’m away? We want to go Thursday
night and stay until Sunday. I need an extra day to go to the Galleria while I’m
there and get the girls something special from one of the stores.” She looked at
me and grinned.

“Yes, I’ll stay.” My Grandmother had a weird look on her face, but I ignore it.
My mom was dancing around singing one of his songs. She grabbed my hands
and made me dance with her. She never acted like this before, I thought that
maybe she could finally be happy with just us and nobody else.

It rained the whole weekend she was gone. I remembered thinking that I only
had one more week left of summer after this weekend. I hoped it didn’t rain
anymore before I went back to school. My grandmother and I played cards and
Sorry all weekend and she tried to teach me how to knit. I couldn’t get it, so
she gave me a latch hook rug to work on. On Sunday we didn’t go to Church
because my Grandmother didn’t drive, so we read our favorite passages from
the Bible instead. Melissa chose not to read with us and instead stayed in her
room the whole day, not even coming out to eat Sunday dinner. It was getting
late and I started getting worried something happened to mom.

I heard the front door unlock, and my mom came through the door. I thought
that was strange because usually she came in through the garage, but I didn’t
say anything to her, I just ran up and hugged her.

“I missed you!” I said smiling at her. “What did you bring me?” I asked all
happy, then looked around for her suitcase. It wasn’t with her, in fact she
didn’t have her purse either, just her keys.

“I have some news for everyone!” she said and my grandmother got up from
the couch to face her. “Melissa!” she yelled and Melissa came out from her
room.

“What news Molly?” My grandmother’s tone was low and deep.

She held out her left hand and started wiggling her fingers around. There on
her finger was a single diamond ring with a solid band next to it.

“I got married!!!” she exclaimed.

“You better say to Tom Jones, Mother,” my sister glared at her.

“Oh Melissa, you are such a comedian. No. To Robert silly.” She said with a
big smile. I felt like my legs couldn’t support me any longer. The room was
spinning and my mouth was wide open.

“Well aren’t y’all going to congratulate me?” She looked at all three of us. I
couldn’t say anything.

“Molly, have you lost your mind?” My grandmother asked.

“No Mother. My mind is fine. I’m an adult and I need him. We are going on a
honeymoon, so I didn’t bother to bring in my suitcase. We’ll be gone for about
a week and a half.”

“But Mom, I start Jr. High next Monday. Melissa is going to be a Senior!
Don’t you want to be here for that?” I asked with tears starting to well in my
eyes.

“Let’s see, go to Mexico or take you to school. Hmm.” She had both of her
hands palm up like she was weighing the options. “I chose Mexico.” She
laughed.

“Aside from the fact you are so selfish, how do you propose we even GET to
school, seeing as how Granma doesn’t’ drive?” Melissa asked.

Mom threw her car keys to Melissa. “Here ya go, car’s all yours now. Robert
is going to buy me a new one anyway.” She turned to my Grandmother.
“You’ll take care of everything, right?” She said not waiting for an answer.
“Oh and here’s five hundred dollars. That is a wedding present from Robert to
me so I’m giving it to y’all if you need anything.” She blew a kiss at us, threw
the money in the air and was out the door to Robert’s car where he was
waiting.

All I could do was stand there with my mouth open. I didn’t know what had
happened. Melissa bent down and picked up a hundred dollar bill and looked
at me and Granma. She shook her head and went back into her room. My
whole body started shaking all of the sudden. It was like I couldn’t control
myself. I was so cold, then the tears started flowing. I was crying so hard,
that I couldn’t breathe. My grandmother ran over to me and held me for a
long time stroking my hair. It took me forever to calm down and I told my
grandmother I wanted to go to my room. She went in with me and helped me
get into bed. I didn’t even bother changing into my pjs. She tucked me in and
gave me a kiss on my forehead.

“I love you.” She said and turned out the light. I knew she did, but as for my
mom, I knew she didn’t. I didn’t care. Tonight I wouldn’t be asking God to
forgive me for not liking her. I thought about the storm that was raging on the
lake outside. There was a storm raging inside of me as well. I closed my eyes
and fell into a troubled sleep.




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