DIARY OF A WIMPY KID DOUBLE DOWN

EARLY LION
HUMAN
45

If I DON’ T win the lottery in the next few
years, I guess I’m gonna have to find a cheaper
option. Albert Sandy said that people who can’t
afford to get their whole body frozen can just
freeze their BRAINS.

I’m kind of nervous handing my brain off to some
people I don’t even know, though. I’m guessing
they’re not paying their employees a lot of money
to basically wait around and do nothing, so I’m
kind of concerned about the quality of help they
have working at these freezing places.

OOPS!

BUMP



After your brain gets unfrozen, I guess they’ ll
put it in a robot body, which probably takes a lot
of getting used to.

NERD!

PUNCH

But if I can scrape together enough money,
I’m gonna freeze my WHOLE body and do
it RIGHT. Because whenever you go with the
cheaper option, you end up regretting it.

OH, COME

ON!

GREG

47

Saturday
There are only a few weeks to go until Halloween,
and my family spent the morning putting up our
decorations in front of the house.
We used to keep it really basic and hung some
cobwebs, a few jack-o’-lanterns, and a plastic
spider or two. But then our neighbors started
going all out on Halloween, and suddenly our
decorations looked pretty skimpy.

R.I.P.

So last year Mom handed Rodrick forty bucks and
ftoorldthhiem ftroongto poourtcha.nd pick up some more stuff

48

But Rodrick blew it all on this really awful electronic
plastic witch.

The way it works is, if you clap or make a loud
noise, the witch lets out this bloodcurdling cackle
that goes on FOREVER. Then it shakes and its
eyes glow red.

CACKLE CACKLE
CACKLE CACKLE

CACKLE

CLAP

49

But whoever created that thing set the volume
too high, and there’s no way to turn it down. You
have to wait for the witch to go through its
whole routine, which is like two minutes long.
We hung it out over the front porch last year,
but little kids were too scared of the thing,
and the only trick-or-treaters we had were the
teenagers who came by after 10 p.m.

POUND
POUND
POUND

The day after Halloween, Dad put the witch on

tahsahte’slfwinhetreheitf’surbneaecne ervoeormsiinncet.heBubtastehmaetntd,oeasnnd’t
mean it’s stopped causing PROBLEMS.

50

The witch is SUPER sensitive to sound, and
sometimes the slightest noise will set it off, even
if the noise is on a different floor.

CACKLE CACKLE

CACKLE
CACKLE

CACKLE

PIFF

To make matters WORSE, the witch seems to
have a mind of its own, and sometimes it’ ll go
off randomly even if no one makes a PEEP. I’ve
had at least two sleepovers end early because of
that thing.

CACKLE CACKLE

CACKLE CACKLE

CACKLE

51

I’ve been trying all year to convince Mom and
Dad to throw the witch away, but Dad says it’s
just a plastic toy and I need to stop being such
a scaredy-cat.

But I guess Mom got sick of the witch randomly
going off all the time, and a few weeks ago she
told Dad to go downstairs and take the batteries
out, which he did.

And what happened NEXT is the reason I
haven’t been in the furnace room ever since.

CACKLE CACKLE
CACKLE CACKLE

CACKLE

What stinks is that all my old Halloween costumes

warilelindgowtno isnprtinhge ffuorrnasocme ertohoimn.g SNo EuWnle,ssIMgomue’sss
I’m not going trick-or-treating this year.

52

Sunday
Well, all the hard work we put into decorating for
Halloween yesterday got wiped out.
A bunch of geese got at the jack-o’-lanterns in
the middle of the night and made a HUGE mess.

Every fall, geese flying south for the winter
make a pit stop in our town and stick around for
a few weeks before heading back out. Usually they
poop all over the soccer field at the town park,
but other than that they’re pretty harmless.

For some reason, though, this year they’re
SUPER aggressive toward people.

53

For the past few weeks, me and Rowley have been getting ambushed just about every day on
our walk
home from school.

HONK

And the geese aren’t just going after KIDS,

either. Whenever Dad goes out to get the mail,

he’s gotta arm himself for battle.

HISSSSSS

Dad wants to call Animal Control to clear the
geese off our street, but Mom won’t let him.

54

She says geese have been flocking to these parts
for thousands of years, and if anything, WE’ RE
the ones intruding on THEIR lives.

I’m personally fine with animals, as long as they
keep their distance. But I think if we don’t draw
a line somewhere, we’re just headed for trouble.

My science teacher said that 40,000 years ago,
dogs used to be wild animals, just like wolves. But
then I guess they saw our warm fires and cozy
caves and wanted to get in on the action. So they
wagged their tails and did a few tricks and that’s
all it took.

55

Nowadays, dogs have it MADE. People spend all
kinds of money buying them gourmet food and
cushiony beds.
I’m sure the reason wolves seem so ticked off all
the time is because they’re just jealous THEY
didn’t think of kissing up to people first.

CATS aren’t stupid either. Last summer Mrs.
Fredericks up the street fed a stray cat that
was hanging out in her yard, and each night
after that MORE cats came. Now the cats have

completely taken over her house, and she recently
fheaedditnog stehllemhe.r car so she could afford to keep

56

We’ve got problems with our OWN pet, which is a
PIG. Personally, I think it should live outside in
a pen or a shed or something, but instead it lives
inside the house with US. And not only does it
use the same bathtub as me, but I’m 99% sure
it’s been using my TOOTHBRUSH, too.

DAB
DAB

And that thing is SMART, which makes me kind
of nervous.

57

In fact, I think it’s been trying to learn how to
COMMUNICATE with us. Manny has this toy
called a “See-and-Talk,” where you pull a string
and it says a word.

AND TALK

SEE

Somehow, the pig figured out how to USE the
See-and-Talk, and every so often it manages to
put together a full sentence.

PIG...EAT...
ICE CREAM

PULL

PUPLULLL

58

Lately I’ve been thinking there’s gotta be a way
the two of us can team up. I’ve heard a pig’s
sense of smell is 2,000 times better than a human
being’s. That talent could really come in handy.
Mom always buys the Halloween candy for trick-
or-treaters a few weeks early, and she hides it
somewhere so the rest of us don’t get at it. I’ve
turned the house upside down looking for it, but
so far no luck. And if the pig knows what I’m
looking for, it’s not being very helpful.

This time of year is TORTURE for a kid. There

atrimeeayllouthweaselkcainntdoytchoemmgerrocciearlsy osntoTreVit,’sanlikdeetvehreyy’re
TRYING to mess with you.

59

But Mom says I can’t have any candy until
Halloween night, which I think is totally cruel.

STOCK UP ON

CANDY

I think I’ve figured out a way to get my hands
on some candy BEFORE Halloween, though. My
school is having a contest called the “Balloon
Brigade,” which it does every October.
Each student gets a helium balloon, and everyone
releases theirs at the same time. They give you

these little cards to write your name and address
sounp,paonseddwthoensenpdeoptlheemfinbdactkh.e balloons they’re

60

GREETINGS BALLOON
BRIGADE!
FROM THE

WRPKILNTEOTOAEFWSBNEACTKHIHSOSOWENTNODCATRFHATDERHTE HISRAIAETDNVDEDRRBSETAESRLSALLVEOETOLEND!SUISDE

The school has a big map on a bulletin board near
the library, and when a kid turns in a balloon,
Vice Principal Roy uses a thumbtack to mark how
far it went.

BALLOON

BRIGADE!

At the end of the week he measures the distance
feaacrhthbeasltlo,onantdratvhealetdktido gfientds oautRwEhWosAeRwDen. t the

61

Last year, Andrea Gennarro’s balloon traveled
forty-three miles, and she won a thirty-dollar
gift certificate for the book fair.
But THIS year the grand prize is a giant jar of
candy corn, which is sitting in Vice Principal Roy’s
office right now.

The school puts a little code on each balloon so
nobody cheats and turns in a store-bought balloon.
I’ve never had one of my balloons sent back to
me, though. I need to make SURE that whoever

finds mine doesn’t just ignore me, so I wrote
raestphorneese-.page letter that I’m hoping will get a

62

Because when it comes to free candy, I’m not
messing around.

To whoever finds this balloon:

I am a lonely child without any
friends. I released this balloon
hoping it would find its way to a
kind person who might write me
back and bring some joy to my life.

Monday

After lunch today the teachers led us all out to
the basketball court for the big Balloon Brigade
launch. I still get kind of nervous stepping foot
on the blacktop, because that’s where the Cheese
sat for a year and a half. There’s even a stain
where it used to be.

63

It’s been a long time since the Cheese terrorized
our school, but I guess some people actually
LIKED having something to be scared of. A
few different times kids have tried to start the
Cheese Touch back up, but the teachers are on
the lookout because they don’t want to have to go
through all that nonsense again.

HEY!

One kid actually managed to sneak a piece of lunch
meat onto the court during recess, but the Roast
Beef Touch didn’t have the same ring to it.

YOU'VE GOT THE
ROAST BEEF

TOUCH! HA HA!

64

Still, someone’s ALWAYS trying to start some
new thing. This year it’s all about the chairs in
the auditorium.

The chairs are red except ONE, which is yellow
and has a busted leg. Apparently some kid peed
on it during a really long assembly last month.
And if you’re not paying attention and sit in the
yellow chair, you’re pretty much finished for the
rest of the school year.

TINKLE SEAT!
TINKLE SEAT!

If you ask me, people should just be happy
the Cheese Touch is behind us and stop trying

to replace it with something else. Because the
ElaXstTtRhAingtoyowuornreyedabinoumt.iddle school is anything

65

Today, Vice Principal Roy did a countdown on his
bullhorn and everyone released their balloons. I
have to admit, it was kind of exciting to see all of
them go up in the air at the same time.

But the excitement didn’t last LONG.
Almost all of the balloons went straight into the

nthewe fcoeloltpbahlolnfeietldo,wearndthdeiydnb’tuilgtoonantyhfeahrtilhl enre.xt to

66

Luckily, my balloon was weighed down by the
letter I wrote, so it went UNDER the tower,
and then it cleared the trees on the other side.

I don’t think my balloon is gonna make it as far
as Andrea Gennarro’s did, but I don’t NEED it
to. As long as someone finds the balloon and sends
it back, that jar of candy corn is MINE.

I just hope they write instead of call. I put
Mom’s cell phone number on my letter, but

apparently it’s gonna be a few days before they fix
the tower and people in town can get service again.

67

Wednesday

It’s been two days, and still no word on my
balloon. I’m starting to get a little worried,
because the contest ends Monday, and if nobody
gets their balloon back, I’m sure Vice Principal
Roy is gonna keep the candy for HIMSELF.

Lately I’ve been having trouble staying focused
at school, but luckily my homework hasn’t been
that hard. Our reading assignment was to write
a biography on a famous author, so I chose the
Spineticklers guy.

But it turns out there’s barely ANY information on

him. In fact, the only thing I could find was the

little blurb in the back of his books.

Who is I.M.
SPOOKY?

Almost nothing is known
about the mysterious I.M

Spooky. Allwe can say for
sure is that he's cooking up
a terrifying new entry in the

Spineticklers series!

68

The good news is that since I wasn’t really able
to find anything on I.M. Spooky, I was finished
with my entire author’s bio in about two minutes.

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY
AUTHOR NAME: I.M. Spooky
BIRTHDATE:
PLACE OF BIRTH:
HOBBIES:
EDUCATION:
INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT
THE AUTHOR:

With a name like I.M. Spooky, I guess you have
no CHOICE but to write scary books for a living.

I kind of wish I had never started reading

ythouossetaSrptinreetaicdkinlegrstbhoeomk,s,it’tshhoaugrdh.tBo eScaTusOePo.ncAend
they’re starting to affect my everyday life.

69

Going to the dentist was never that much fun to
begin with, but after I read Spineticklers number
67, it got even WORSE.

Spineticklers
MY DENTIST

IS THE

DEVIL

WHIRRR

BY I.M. Spooky

I’ve checked out every Spineticklers book from the
library, and I even borrowed a few Spineticklers
Junior books from Rowley so I could keep going.

And just like I predicted, the books are starting