ONCE IN A LIFETIME (An absurd drama episode for the Madman's Daily Unequivocal Comedy.) Written by : Raymond Giuffrida [email protected]
FADE IN: INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY The alarm clock hits 5 A.M., and Once in a Lifetime by Talking Heads plays, while TODD rises from his bed in the small simple space of a bachelor. He’s 33, clean-cut, athletic build, a bit of a narcissist, but not quite in an American Psycho type of way. Early morning rays shine down onto his face, as he opens the blinds and stretches his neck. In the distance, a GRIFFIN, yes, the mythical half lion / half eagle creature, flies over the parking lot, seemingly staring right towards him, as he yawns, casually watches the majestic beast’s flight, then shuts the blinds. EXT. PARK - DAY Todd jogs in the early morning sun, sweat pouring from his brow, as he turns up the volume on his wireless headphones, and Once in a Lifetime plays louder, while the Griffin soars high above him. INT. APARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY Todd does a quick set of five chin-ups, using a bar bolted over his hallway entrance. His phone alarm buzzes and Once in a Lifetime plays, as he pauses and wipes his sweat off with a towel. Grabs his phone off the counter, shuts off the alarm music, types something into the phone, then places it down. The (ALEXA TYPE) FEMALE VOICE immediately responds to whatever he just inputted. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE Todd. You have one major life event scheduled for today. Good luck. INT. APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY Todd washes off in the steaming hot shower, as he hums the melody of Once in a Lifetime.
2. INT. APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY (MOMENTS LATER) Fresh from his shower, Todd slicks his hair back with some gel, as his phone buzzes outside the room with another notification, and Once in a Lifetime plays again. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE Happy birthday Todd. You are thirtythree years old today. You share a birthday with Dustin Hoffman, Anthony Rizzo, and Roger Federer. (singing robotically) Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You look like a monkey. INT. APARTMENT - KITCHEN - DAY Todd sips his hot coffee, staring emotionless towards the calendar on the fridge, where a drawing of a birthday cake with three flaming candles is circled, within the August 8th slot. INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY Todd puts on his expensive watch, dressed to the nines in a personally tailored business suit. Checks himself out in the mirror and appears satisfied, as he grabs his briefcase and walks to the front door, humming Once in a Lifetime. EXT. APARTMENT - PARKING LOT - DAY Todd walks towards his car under the bright sunshine. He opens up the trunk and places his briefcase inside, then watches the Griffin soar above him, until the bright sun blinds his eyes and he shuts the trunk. A homeless man, EDWARD THE 3RD, 50s, wearing tattered clothing, a tin foil hat and an eyepatch, spit-shines his front windshield, appearing more like a vagrant pirate. Todd walks towards him, staring at his lackluster cleaning technique, while he grins at him cheerfully. EDWARD THE 3RD No charge this day my ludicrous lordship! He jiggles his big belly and pats Todd energetically on the back. 2.
3. EDWARD THE 3RD I remember all my client’s birthdays. Pay due respect to those who keep this belly proud and full. Continues cleaning the windshield, while leaving more streaks and dirt on it than previous. Todd notices but doesn’t seem to care very much, as he finishes and adjusts his tin foil hat. EDWARD THE 3RD I shall provide you company this day! Todd pats on his briefcase softly. TODD No need. Schedule to keep. Edward ignores him and opens the passenger side door, then sniffs the air around him. EDWARD THE 3RD Hmmmm? Frequency seems to be off. Like a lost sheep, finding verity in the cosmos at last. Betrayer of the oft advertised path. Yes. It’s a certainty. TODD How can you be sure? Edward belly laughs like a jolly St. Nick. EDWARD THE 3RD My dear, slender, stoic potentate! Once in a good while, in this wildly terrifying concrete jungle, an angel rises from the ashes, miracles again freed to pollute the landscape, resurrecting those ancient adherents of mutually assured destruction... Frantically adjusts his hat some more. EDWARD THE 3RD ...as the world becomes whole again. On voyage to the sun! He slaps himself in the face like a madman. EDWARD THE 3RD Supplies be needed! 3.
4. Gets in the passenger side and slams the door, as Todd doesn’t pay him much mind, gazing again towards the Griffin flying gracefully above. EDWARD THE 3RD We must press forward! Distractions only run the muck! Todd gazes at the sun, then checks his watch, then gazes at the sun again, while Edward slides over and bangs on the driver side window to get his attention. EDWARD THE 3RD Those who stare too long at it forget the peaceful shade! Come now, make haste. Supplies be needed! He gets in the driver side door. INT. TODD’S CAR - DAY (CONTINUOUS) Todd starts up the ignition, then drives out of the parking lot onto an isolated rural road, while the anxious Edward messes with the air conditioning, sniffs the air, then tunes the radio until only static is heard. EDWARD THE 3RD (loudly over the static) When the frequency hits the brainwaves like it appears to be transpiring on this very day, not even my dome can stay protected! Supplies be needed! He places his tin foil hat on Todd and snaps the elastic string under his neck. EDWARD THE 3RD Younger men like you may not have yet developed the necessary force field. Todd winces in pain, removes the elastic string from under his neck, and lowers the radio volume. EDWARD THE 3RD Immunization cannot be portioned equally, while preserving a flavorforward menu. Todd calmly taps on his watch. 4.
5. TODD Schedule to keep. Continues driving, glancing down at his watch every few seconds. EDWARD THE 3RD Whoa now! Don’t let all that birthday cheer block your pineal, my noble liege, for my heart contains more cognition than a digitalized rood. He pulls out a mini notepad from his pocket, flips through it, clears his throat, then recites one of his poems loudly. EDWARD THE 3RD The sun shines to blind some eyes. For others, wealth, wreckage and wine. Still, others plant their flags contrite. Crawling like dogs. Buried in the bog. Frying fish, like the god’s own auspicious resolve. He puts the notepad away, grabs another tin foil hat from his pocket and puts it on, then turns the radio static back up. EDWARD THE 3RD Ahhh! The comfy cushion of insanity’s clarion call! Todd quickly tunes the radio from the static to a station playing Once in a Lifetime, then eyes him. TODD Are we now at safe frequency? Edward feels Todd’s forehead, ponders for a few seconds, then feels his own. EDWARD THE 3RD No indicant of fever. I suppose for now antibodies do transmit. But ever vigilant stay, for they can get inside your head, cause blood clots...aneurysms! Most especially as you drive at your most vulnerable, through waves of illogical trust and grime! The Griffin returns, soaring right over Todd’s car, as Edward gazes out the window in amazement. 5.
6. EDWARD THE 3RD (quietly to himself) Through my baited eyes of disharmony. Another sign o’ the times. Straps himself in tightly with the seatbelt. EDWARD THE 3RD (fear in his voice) Supplies be needed! TODD Schedule to keep. EDWARD THE 3RD Supplies! Be! Needed! Todd messes with the radio tuner again, stopping on a deepvoiced male DJ. DJ VOICE FROM RADIO It’s Wednesday, August 8th. Gonna be a real scorcher out there folks. Don’t think too hard. EXT. BANK - DAY A YOUNG BUSKER plays Once in a Lifetime out front on an acoustic guitar, as Edward walks past the front entrance with Todd, both wearing their tin foil hats. EDWARD THE 3RD Not quite the supplies I was thinking for the oncoming ultraviolet. Todd ignores him and taps his watch, determined to stick to his schedule. EDWARD THE 3RD Does your schedule incorporate a heist then? They walk inside. INT. BANK - DAY Todd waits in line with Edward, using his back as a support as he fills out a form. Notices other customers staring at them curiously and removes his hat, quickly followed by Edward doing the same. 6.
7. EDWARD THE 3RD (whispers to Todd) Smart, my magnificent mandarin. Keep it undercover. Don’t let them know that you know that they know that you know...that they know. He spits on his hands, fixes his disheveled hair, then wipes a smudge of dirt off Todd’s cheek, making it much more dirty in the process. EDWARD THE 3RD Should be safe indoors without recommended dome protection. Certain there is no plan for heist? TODD No need. They gaze around towards the security cameras. EDWARD THE 3RD Hurry then regardless. Mine not a face fit for the screen. The female teller, MARTHA, 40s, high-energy, wears a crucifix necklace, smiles towards the odd couple as they approach her. MARTHA Good morning. God keep us blessed and warm. She kisses her crucifix, points it upwards, then repeats her ritual two more times. Makes the sign of the cross three times in a row, then clicks her pen three times. MARTHA And how can I best help you gentlemen today? Todd hands her the paperwork and his identification, and she quickly scans it over. MARTHA I see. And what is the reason you are closing your account today sir? TODD Icarus. MARTHA Icarus? 7.
8. TODD Icarus. Edward begins to lose patience. EDWARD THE 3RD Madame! There be no doctrine for us to provide reason. He raises up his arms like a preacher. EDWARD THE 3RD (shouting) If they be a’watching, let them watch! Cowards! Spineless frauds of mayhem! The lot of ‘em! Papal fission once more. This message be broadcast from rooftop to rooftop, down the chimney like a thieving rodent, desperate for unauthorized fame. She makes the sign of the cross three times in a row. MARTHA Merely company policy. Godliness, cleanliness and most boastful desecration. Edward completely loses his patience. EDWARD THE 3RD Supplies be needed woman! Have the frequencies not punctured your obsessive constitution yet! She holds her crucifix above her head and leans in close to him. MARTHA Smell the god-forsaken air, on this god-forsaken day of fevered lung rationing, with each god-forsaken word from your god-forsaken throat. Prepare your legs. Prepare your backs. Prepare your taste buds. Edward places his arm around Todd, who appears very uninterested in the conversation as he checks his watch. 8.
9. EDWARD THE 3RD I believe my captain here is willing to forgive your liturgical pedigree... (through nervous laughter) ...thanks be to the gods...the wrathless ones that is. MARTHA I see. (to Todd) Deepest apologies sir. TODD No need. Edward tucks his gut inside his pants and leans in closer to her. EDWARD THE 3RD (flirty) Why would such a belle as yourself choose to spend her days in this unchecked pit of financial identity modification and bureaucratic buffoonery. MARTHA This bank? EDWARD THE 3RD Indeed, this very bank. MARTHA What about it? EDWARD THE 3RD The bank? They stare at each other in confusion. MARTHA In the hands of the savior. She quickly fills out the rest of the form, stamps it over and over, then hands it to Todd. MARTHA Please sign right there. He does. MARTHA And initial there. 9.
10. He does. MARTHA And a speck of blood right here. Edward reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pin, and gently pricks Todd’s thumb, who then drips blood onto the paper. MARTHA Perfect. And how would you like it? TODD Two cartoonish sacks of gold coins please. She reaches down and instantly hands Todd exactly what he asked for - two cartoonish money sacks of gold coins, with dollar signs stitched on both sides like something Scrooge McDuck would possess - then places the crucifix on his forehead. MARTHA Thank you for being a former loyal customer. Edward gently kisses her hand, then stares deeply into her eyes. EDWARD THE 3RD In the footsteps of my warlocked ancestors, I must at least try to get warning out, whether or not the danger to my own life would deter weaker-lined men. MARTHA Warning of what? EDWARD THE 3RD (whispers to her) The end. The rotted specimen himself. The curtain’s terminal drop, when hatred and suicidal conditioning perspires down on the many factions, waiting to be counted. He tips his tin foil hat to her, bows, then walks towards the exit with Todd. EDWARD THE 3RD Good day, Madame. 10.
11. She ponders for a few moments, chases after them in a panic, and grabs Todd’s arm. MARTHA Does your compatriot speak in any valid cognizance? He glances down at his watch, then back to her, then back to his watch, the back to her. MARTHA Is it really the end then sir? She grips hard onto her crucifix waiting for his response, while Edward breaks the tension by putting his arm around her and laughing. EDWARD THE 3RD Don’t mind him. He is thusly blinded by too much birthday cheer. She skips towards the exit with him, arm in arm like they were marching down the yellow brick road. EDWARD THE 3RD The day will uncover the truth, or Icarus will be toast for hellfire. Edward the 3rd never cowers, before the end nor the beginning. Todd watches them exit, then stares at his watch in a daze. EDWARD THE 3RD It is always the middle that brings the banshee’s cry. Don’t think too hard, Madame. Todd snaps out of his daze, puts his tin foil hat on and exits, lugging the two sacks of gold coins under his arms. EXT. BANK - DAY (CONTINUOUS) Todd lugs the two heavy sacks out the door, then casually drops one of them into the busker’s guitar case. The busker nods in thanks and continues the street performance. YOUNG BUSKER (singing) Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. 11.
12. Todd walks towards his car with the other sack under his arm, while Martha and Edward lean against it, waiting for him. EDWARD THE 3RD There are spies among us. Behind us. Right in the open! In our heads. Coursing through our blood. No watchmen on those baneful towers, radiating with fallacious mirth, powered by the spiteful, sabotaged vocations of once again dreaded lore. Todd hits his key button to unlock the doors and Edward gets in the passenger side door, followed by Martha. EDWARD THE 3RD Nanotechnology. Elective surgeries. Donated legs, backs, kidneys, and all operating extremities. Vegetable stir-fry in the most mainstream of malleable melting pots! Until bred as hollowed out zucchini. Bugs! Martha shuts the door. INT. TODD’S CAR - DAY (CONTINUOUS) Todd shuts the driver side door and starts the ignition, Martha in the passenger seat, Edward continuing his mad rant squeezed in the middle of them. EDWARD THE 3RD Not just mechanized! Real, thirst for cryptanalysis bugs! Intelligent blood suckers! Feast at the hint of sleep. Pillowed-cased informants to grade the quiver! He adjusts his tin foil hat and yells into Todd’s ear. EDWARD THE 3RD Supplies be needed! Todd calmly drives, while Edward and Martha stare at each other. EDWARD THE 3RD Only one way to halt full-scale invasion. 12.
13. They share a brief silence while inching closer to each other. MARTHA What then! Out with it! EDWARD THE 3RD Abandon your slumber, once and for all, that maintains goodness. She anxiously kisses her crucifix. MARTHA If I die before I wake, pray the lord my soul to take. She and Edward then slap their hands together to the rhythm. MARTHA/EDWARD Patty cake, patty cake, how much to remit the fates. They separate, as Edward nudges Todd in the side. EDWARD THE 3RD Could always choose the way of the coffin, true as the vengeful midnight drone, as the birthday boy drives closer to his dated expiration. Todd doesn’t pay him much mind, as he drives and checks his watch every few seconds. TODD Schedule to keep. EDWARD THE 3RD My dear, princely panjandrum, maintain that cheery outlook and shuffle your wishes to the gods of wrath this time, while staking your trust in none. He belly laughs, adjusts Todd’s tin foil hat, then taps on his forehead. EDWARD THE 3RD Not even confident in the voices bred within. Like invasion of the body snatchers! Everyone you know turned sour, to spoil like rotted cucumbers. 13.
14. Todd watches the Griffin soar high above in front of him, as Edward nudges Martha and points to the flying beast. EDWARD THE 3RD Sign o’ the times, Madame. Martha watches the Griffin and makes the sign of the cross three times in a row. EXT. GROCERY STORE - DAY Todd and Martha guide a shopping cart through the parking lot, with Edward crouched inside like a toddler. EDWARD THE 3RD Mislaid investments of family, friends and coworkers, dipped in honey-roasted political drivel and melted governmental cheese. As ancient a ritual as the Sumerians once refined, each punctually shifting their consciousness for the grandest museum to come! They enter the front sliding doors. INT. GROCERY STORE - CEREAL AISLE - DAY Todd guides the cart, while Edward, crouched inside, grabs random cereal boxes off the shelves, tears them open like an animal and merrily munches away. EDWARD THE 3RD (while chewing) Different hosts on different days, within various different disguises. The ultimate, unheralded, malevolent, mentally pigeonholed manipulation. Psychological warfare with rampant, commercialized, hysteria-driven worm ingestion! He spits out some bits of food. EDWARD THE 3RD Loss of self? Ha! Just a refurbishing of the ego, molding faithfully heartless assassins in this doomed stasis. Martha walks into the aisle, lugging packages of children’s fruit snacks, string cheese, crackers, cookies, and candy. 14.
15. MARTHA The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Edward sits up and inspects the snacks as she tosses them in, then reaches out and smacks her on the ass. EDWARD THE 3RD ‘Tis a good booty, Madame. Immediately opens up the string cheese and gets to work, peeling and eating, and peeling and eating, as Todd’s phone buzzes and Once in a Lifetime plays. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE Hope you are having a swell birthday Todd. Good luck and try not to think too hard. Edward stuffs more cheese strips into his mouth. EDWARD THE 3RD (mouth full) Supplies be needed! Martha runs off down the aisle, just as another notification buzzes from Todd’s phone and Once in a Lifetime plays again. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE On this day in 1960, "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polkadot Bikini" hit number one in the USA. Martha returns with toilet paper, rolls of aluminum foil, firewood, a huge can of imitation crab meat, a toddler’s floaty pool toy and one tiny cherry tomato, which Edward quickly consumes. EDWARD THE 3RD Fine figment of fruit! Todd’s phone buzzes again and plays Once in a Lifetime. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE On this day in 1979, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein executes twenty-two political opponents. Edward frantically bangs on the cart. EDWARD THE 3RD Supplies be needed! Supplies be needed! 15.
16. Todd casually guides the cart farther down the cereal aisle, while Martha grabs his cell phone from his pocket and speaks directly into it. MARTHA Is this truly the end? FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE I am unable to process your request. MARTHA Time for mercy? FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE I am unable to process your request. Frustrated, Martha tosses the phone into the cart. INT. GROCERY STORE - PRODUCE AISLE - DAY (MOMENTS LATER) Todd guides the cart by vegetables, as Once in A lifetime plays from the store speakers. Edward munches on snacks, crouched in the cart, which is now also packed with random tabloids, a fishing rod and a sleeping bag. EDWARD THE 3RD (mumbling to himself) Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Martha grabs some fresh garlic cloves and tosses them into the cart. MARTHA (singing) Garlic. Oh garlic. I love you my garlic. My one true champion, garlic. Tosses in cucumbers. MARTHA (singing) Cucumbers. Oh cucumbers. You always plague the offenders. Oh you crazy, crazy cucumbers. Edward flips through one of the tabloids, holding the paper up in front of his face, as we view the headline, “WWIII NOW SEEN AS INEVITABLE BY EVERYONE CURRENTLY READING THIS.” 16.
17. EDWARD THE 3RD Same as it ever was! Same as it ever was! Martha tosses fresh arugula bunches into the cart. MARTHA (singing) Arugula, oh arugula. Why do you play these mind games. Oh, always on the prowl, my feisty arugula. Edward flips through more pages of the tabloid, as we view another headline, “DON’T THINK TOO HARD.” EDWARD THE 3RD Subtlety. Lost art. Especially with depopulation on the fixing. He tosses the tabloid away, grabs some tomatoes off the shelf and tosses them at Todd’s face. Todd casually wipes the smashed bits of tomatoes off, while his phone buzzes with another notification and Once in a Lifetime plays. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE Do not forget gasoline birthday boy. You have one major life event scheduled for today. Martha hears the message and immediately runs off down the aisle. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE Todd, would you like to check your portfolio? TODD No need. Edward tosses tomatoes towards the phone. EDWARD THE 3RD Craven robot witch! Martha runs back into the aisle carrying two gallons of gasoline, and places them in the cart. MARTHA (singing) Gasoline, oh gasoline. You turn this whole world into a fever dream. Oh my vain, grand confessor, gasoline. 17.
18. INT. GROCERY STORE - CASHIER - DAY Todd guides the cart towards the cashier, as Edward places items, some partially eaten, onto the conveyer belt. The female cashier, PAULINE, 50s, dressed in an evening gown, with heavy make-up and fancy jewelry, rings up the items, bags the two canisters of gasoline, then eyes Todd. PAULINE Scorcher out there. He nods, glances at his watch, then glances at her, then glances at his watch again. She notices his anxious state, pauses ringing up items, and applies gold lipstick to her lips. PAULINE What’s the rush honey? TODD Schedule to keep. PAULINE Don’t we all. All of a sudden, the harsh lights of the grocery store dim and soften to a more romantic, candle-lit atmosphere, as only Todd and Pauline remain in view for a Film noir tribute. TODD Well, you could have fooled me sweetheart. She lights up a cigarette in a fancy holder, like she was straight out of the roaring 20’s, and bags up the remaining items, as the total on her screen reads - “$333.33”. PAULINE You see that grand total, hotstuff? He nods. PAULINE Now, let’s say you pay me what is owed me, calculated by this automatic math thing-a-ma-jig. And no funny business. TODD Funny business is my middle name. Always has. Always will. Infinity times a million. 18.
19. He lights up a cigarette. PAULINE Middle name like that can get a man like yourself into some real trouble. And I mean the tangible type. Trouble so extant that it will reach out and touch you. She reaches out and lightly slaps his face. TODD With a mouth like that... PAULINE A mouth like that. TODD ...you’ll never know what shade of green that grass will be...on the other side...of the rainbow. She squints at him, confused. PAULINE You going somewhere with this sweetie cakes? Or should I be so bold as to inquire about coupons? TODD Don’t be so swift to judge the book by the cover, or you just might find yourself lost in the weeds, out to lunch, jumped with the sharks. Ripe for the final revision. She reaches below and pulls out a child’s toy Tommy-Gun. PAULINE Sure you want to continue with all that back sass? Pulls the mechanical toy trigger and a thin flag springs out with the writing, “You’re thinking too hard!” PAULINE You got the necessary funds or don’t ya? He searches through his empty pockets anxiously, then sighs and gazes towards her, hoping for some sympathy. 19.
20. PAULINE Looks like the Teddy Bears won’t have their fucking picnic after all. They stare each other down, like in an old Western. PAULINE You know what we do to people like you? She points the gun at his head as they share some tense silence. PAULINE Icarus. TODD Icarus? PAULINE Essentially. She puts the gun down, leans closer, and plays with his hair. PAULINE You’re not the first you know. Blows smoke into his face. PAULINE People like you pass through this line each and every day, monitored like newborn babies. Never a moment of privacy. Tickling the semblance of privation. Grabs his face and sticks it into her cleavage. PAULINE Sucking at my teat. Pushes his face away. PAULINE On the inside, unable to admit how goddamn ready they are to witness the end of this whole damn charade. On the outside, cool as a cat. Sly as a Senator. Eager...as an eager beaver. Pigs at the organically contaminated trough. She kisses him softly on the lips. 20.
21. PAULINE You could have been a real someone kid. Someone real, kid. Kid...real...someone...a. TODD Tell someone who cares you dizzy dame. I’m washed. No more cards to play. They share some tense silence. PAULINE Just be careful when you finally get there. It’s never what you expect. The lights suddenly turn back to normal and the other characters come back into view, as Edward naps inside the cart like a toddler, and Martha holds up her check book. MARTHA Who should I make the check out to? The creator of all existence? Pauline adjusts her cleavage, then places her fancy necklaces into the cash register. PAULINE (to Martha) Don’t worry about it. (to Todd) Have a happy birthday, bucko. Todd nods in thanks, as he and Martha load the groceries into the cart, right on top of the napping Edward, then guide it towards the exit, as Pauline whistles the melody of Once in a Lifetime. PAULINE Good luck. EXT. GROCERY STORE - DAY Todd and Martha guide the cart through the parking lot towards his car, while Edward naps inside, grocery bags and supplies piled on top of him. MARTHA What really happens when you lose your mind? Todd checks his watch. 21.
22. TODD Is the end ever really the end? TODD AND MARTHA AT THE SAME TIME Why does this labyrinth feel so empty, like we’re just remnants of pure energy expanding farther out into the boundlessly fucked nothingness within each passing moment, until our cradled identities completely vanish, like a star engulfed by the supermassive black hole of Odin’s Gungnir. Edward wakes up, stretches, and opens a canister of gasoline. Sniffs it, snorts a little, then gargles and spits some onto the pavement. EDWARD THE 3RD And what of the will free? Todd stares at his watch for a few seconds, then stares towards the scorching sun. TODD Schedule to keep. EDWARD THE 3RD We must seek the source. MARTHA Source of what? EDWARD THE 3RD The source that plants every line of dialogue into these talking mechanisms of ours. He clumsily crawls out from the cart, grabs Todd’s jaw, and maneuvers it up and down like a chattering-teeth child’s toy. EDWARD THE 3RD Rah...Rah...Rah...Rah...Rah. Who can so deftly maneuver my muscles of mouth, and control my instinct while seducing mentation, until the right melody bursts inconspicuously at the precise, unconscious moment. TODD Same as it ever was. Edward maneuvers Todd’s jaw faster. 22.
23. EDWARD THE 3RD How many familial strangers to crack the whip, pull the strings, reflect their mania from eye to eye! He lets go of his jaw when they reach the car, while Todd’s phone buzzes with another notification, and Once in a Lifetime plays once more. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE On this day in 2014, The World Health Organization announced an Ebola outbreak in West Africa. Martha dramatically falls to her knees and gazes above. MARTHA Does the end truly begin? After a few moments of silence, Edward consoles her. EDWARD THE 3RD Who is left now to interrogate, Madame? Todd presses down the unlock button on his keys, and Edward gets in the passenger seat, Martha following after him. EDWARD THE 3RD No time left for strained confession either. Must always keep eyes on the bright side. Make lemons from the fallout. Todd loads in the grocery bags in the trunk, gets in the driver side, then starts the ignition. Drives away, as his phone buzzes again. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE (robotic singing) You may ask yourself, what is that beautiful house? You may ask yourself, where does that highway go to? You may ask yourself, am I right, am I wrong? You may ask yourself, my god, what have I done? 23.
24. INT. TODD'S CAR - DAY (MOMENTS LATER) Todd drives down a busier street, Edward and Martha squeezed next to him. MARTHA New Eden glistens above for the worthy, leaving those detestable to perish in this material realm. The return! The patriarchy! The horror! EDWARD THE 3RD The return! The spawned fluid! The bland indulgence! She pounds her fist on the dashboard. MARTHA The return! The blinded! The recycled ambition! All three gaze up in awe towards the Griffin, as it soars above. EDWARD THE 3RD Spirits in the material backwash. Todd rolls down the window and tosses gold coins to random pedestrians and homeless people. EDWARD THE 3RD Save your coin now! The ultraviolet spurns the chip, while Achilles hobbles and gathers. Martha rolls up her sleeve and tears off a piece of rotting flesh from her arm. MARTHA This is my framework, thou shall never goest hungry. Edward freaks out and slides away from her into Todd’s lap, as he struggles to steer. EDWARD THE 3RD Save your flesh woman! Cannibal cults! Eat the MEEK! The magic bullet performed each morning, to the winding gallery of morbidity! She tosses the flesh out the window, then squeezes some of the blood from her wound into her hands. 24.
25. MARTHA Drink and let your vulnerabilities and fears be at ready exploit! Martha and Edward hug each other tightly. EDWARD THE 3RD Vampiric beatitudes. Carry the cross, delay the witching hour, for the guilty feel no shame and the shameless envisage no guilt. MARTHA The soul cleansed in fire, to reclaim animal favor. Bodies but vessels of ineptitude and doubt, as we redraw all borders. They embrace each other even tighter and sob, while Todd tosses out more gold coins. EDWARD THE 3RD (while sobbing) Save some coin I said! For the reservation! Todd taps on his watch. TODD Not scheduled. Edward quickly reverts from his somber mood, chuckles, and pats him on the back playfully. EDWARD THE 3RD Nonsense, my pickled proprietor! Celebration be needed on this day of most particular cheer. Be no future for the weary and wicked alike, my lucid, synthetic redeemer! Martha clutches her crucifix and stares out the window. MARTHA (quietly to herself) Let Icarus commence his ascension. Edward pats Todd on the back more forcefully and belly laughs. EDWARD THE 3RD Out from the womb once again! Test case for this nubile nightmare. Could anyone wish for a more enlightened simulation of confusion! 25.
26. INT. CHILDREN’S RESTAURANT - DAY Todd, Martha, and Edward sit at a table in a Chuck E’ Cheese type establishment, but much more nightmarish. They all wear tin foil hats, with one apple in front of each, while THREE WAITERS, dressed as creepy bunny rabbits, finish up their birthday serenade to Todd. THREE BUNNY WAITERS (singing) ...and you smell like one too. They stand behind him and massage his shoulders. BUNNY WAITER #1 (ASMR) Shut your eyes and escape the cage. BUNNY WAITER #2 (ASMR) Skin shed for subterfuge. BUNNY WAITER #3 (ASMR) Ashes to ashes. FOUR MUSICIANS, also dressed as creepy bunny rabbits, perform a trippy, slowed-down version of Once in a Lifetime on a small stage. Bunny Waiter #1 opens Todd’s eyes wide and forces him to watch the horrific insanity on stage, like the famous scene from A Clockwork Orange. Three more bunny waiters enter, carrying a towering birthday cake to the table, with three large lit candles on top. They plop it down onto Todd’s lap, while Edward and Martha dip their fingers into the frosting and feast. EDWARD THE 3RD (to Todd) Can you truly be your own betrayer? Martha licks more frosting, then spits it onto the table. MARTHA Savior complex reflux. ABRAHAM LINCOLN appears from a haze of smoke and walks towards Todd, who calmly hands him his cell phone. ABRAHAM LINCOLN Same as it ever was. 26.
27. The six bunny waiters, four bunny musicians, Edward and Martha pose at the table, recreating the Last Supper painting, with Todd in the middle struggling to balance the towering cake in his lap. EVERYONE POSING TOGETHER Same as it ever was. Lincoln stands at the other end of the table, frames the pose in the phone’s camera, and snaps the photo. ABRAHAM LINCOLN All that begs remembrance in the end is the shot to the head. The bunny waiters and musicians walk away, leaving only Todd, Edward and Martha at the table, as Lincoln hands the phone back, then takes a bite from Todd’s apple. ABRAHAM LINCOLN And there the truth of all truths. The greased origin. The last bailiwick of what we’ve all come to term survival. Edward exchanges Lincoln’s top hat with his tin foil hat, but it doesn’t fit well, so he switches them right back, while Lincoln takes out a comically big syringe from his suit pocket and injects neon green fluid into Todd’s arm. ABRAHAM LINCOLN Receipt? Todd take a bite from the apple and nods no. ABRAHAM LINCOLN A stroke? TODD No need. Taps on his briefcase. TODD Schedule to keep. Lincoln blows out the candles, engulfing the room in darkness. 27.
28. EXT. CHILDREN’S RESTAURANT - PARKING LOT - DAY Todd lugs the towering birthday cake towards his car, barely able to see over the top of it, while Martha and Edward walk by his side. His phone buzzes and Once in a Lifetime plays. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE Todd? Todd? Todd? You have one major life event scheduled for today. Todd? Todd? Todd? Todd? Todd? Todd? Edward violently snatches the phone from Todd’s pocket and flings it wildly behind him. EDWARD THE 3RD Cyber enchantress be damned! The phone hits a grizzled police officer, CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES, 50s, square in the face. He’s an incredibly intimidating man, better suited for the wild west era, in an old-fashioned police captain’s uniform, sleeves rolled up showing off his muscles, and a banjo strapped around his back. He immediately pulls out his handgun and shoots at the phone. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE Happy birthday Todd. On this day in... Reloads and shoots the phone again, as the female voice malfunctions. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE (singing in a distorted tone) ...you look like a monkey. The voice fades out, as Marshmallow walks towards the group and places the shot-up phone in Todd’s teeth. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Left brain vs right brain. Nature vs nurture. Freedom vs death. Don’t be fooled by the hissing of manipulated data now son. He lifts Todd up from behind, who struggles to keep the cake from toppling over, and carries him towards his car, while Martha and Edward follow behind them. 28.
29. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Balance is everything. Maintain the straight and narrow, until the straight provides no more room to breathe, suffocating temptation with noxious, fevered spells. No vacancy? Just more time for the wild, off the grid mutiny. He gently drops Todd back onto the ground as they reach the car, reloads his gun, then shoots blindly into the sky until he is out of bullets. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES WOOOOO! I hope the stars vomit meteors this day and kill everyone you love!!! Pounds his chest like a raging ape, then opens up the back door, while Todd calmly places the cake inside. INT. TODD’S CAR - DAY (CONTINUOUS) Marshmallow gets in the back and munches on the cake, banjo down by his feet, while Todd gets in the driver side, Edward and Martha squeezed next to him. He grabs his phone from his teeth and pockets it, starts the ignition and drives away onto an isolated, rural road. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES With all benevolent regard to tradition, it may be best to change one’s personage and vision from time to time. Cleans some cake frosting off his handgun with his shirt, then reloads. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Too many former names to recall myself. And still never once lost. Always in the present, steady as a ghost in heat, prepared for the army of the night. Pounds his chest. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES At sincere peace completely!!! Martha eyes him through the rearview mirror. 29.
30. MARTHA Do you practice transcendental? He tips his police hat towards her like a gentleman. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Mam. That would be affirmative. Plays with his handgun like a cowboy, as he shoots multiple rounds directly above his head, making air holes in the car’s roof, while hooting like a madman. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES WOOOOO!!! Is there time slotted for the transcendental! Edward taps on his wrist, as if he had a watch on. EDWARD THE 3RD Schedule to keep. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES That right? And just who dares try control time in this here glorified, unrelenting loop? Edward points towards Todd with his thumb. EDWARD THE 3RD Birthday boy. Marshmallow then performs a bluegrass cover of Once in a Lifetime on his banjo, shocking the others with his gentle singing voice. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES (singing) You may find yourself, living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world. And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. You may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here. 30.
31. He hums the chorus while playing some banjo riffs, then glances out the window towards the Griffin soaring above, cuts the song off and pounds on his chest. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Time for the transcendental! Is it not! Shoots more rounds above his head. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Demands of the analog psyche! Wooooooooooooooooooooweeeeeeee!!! Todd’s phone somehow comes back to life inside his pocket, but her voice is muffled and distorted from the gun shot damage. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE Current temperature is 115 degrees. It’s - a - real - scorcher out there - Todd. Marshmallow reaches out his huge, muscular arms and playfully puts Todd in a chokehold, as he struggles to breathe and swerves wildly all over the road. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES The sun shall inflict all you love with incurable fever and flesheating hosts, until you return to the path of least resistance! The wretched old man! TODD (gasping for air) No need. Marshmallow releases him and Todd catches his breath. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Go on now son. It is truly time for the transcendental. EXT. GAS STATION - DAY Todd, Marshmallow, Martha and Edward sit cross-legged in front of a gas pump, his car parked behind them. They meditate, eyes closed, as other cars gas up at surrounding pumps, Marshmallow leading the group chant. 31.
32. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Ohmmmm. TODD/MARTHA/EDWARD THE 3RD Ohmmmm. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Ohmmmm. TODD/MARTHA/EDWARD THE 3RD Ohmmmm. Marshmallow lifts Todd up and bear hugs him with all his might, as Edward and Martha continue their Ohmmm chants in the background. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Fear is much too convenient a scapegoat. TODD Fear of life or lack of breath? CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Death as metamorphosis. The lastditch name change. TODD Life an endless echo of victimized prestige. They bear hug tighter in silence for a few moments, as other patrons calmly gas up their vehicles around them. TODD Meaning drained from traditional recruitment and diluted cinematic spectacle. MARSHMALLOW JONES Meaning ripped from the headlines, as antiquated as if the sky was falling. TODD Still meaning in shame. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Take the meaning then, and perfume your pits with the scent, until you merge as one with the pestilence. The worm riddled. The inglorious. The liars. The witches of vanity. The blood-sucking old guard. 32.
33. Marshmallow hugs him even tighter, as Todd sobs and taps on his watch. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES The collapsed-lung misanthropes, feasting on chicken little each and every night. TODD This emotion was not scheduled. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Ever grateful for the falsified odor of human melodrama, for one day your innards will fuel this naturally frenzied cycle. Meal for the squirmers. Messiah to the dirt non-essential. Todd sobs louder as Marshmallow hugs him to the point of suffocation. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Tears of joy? TODD Shallow words. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Tears of finality? TODD The structure in absurdity. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Delusion then? TODD To lose one’s mind in solitude without hazard of glory. He wipes the tears away as the two men finally separate. TODD Angels clear nasal passageways, only to restrict the higher message. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Another mind squandered awaiting recognition and sober justice. 33.
34. TODD Those who yearn for radiation’s consent. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Too many demons to master, familiar and foreign. TODD The revolution of vagabonds with no kingdom to risk. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES When at the edge of mental delirium the path becomes clear, without supplementary expectations, for a schedule can only take one so far. TODD Hesitant to call any thought my own, when thinking remains the chore. MARSHMALLOW JONES Won’t need to think at all. They sit back down next to Edward and Martha and continue their transcendental meditation surrounded by vehicles gassing up. EXT. BEACH - DAY Todd, Edward, Marshmallow and Martha sit on an isolated beach, enjoying the peaceful sounds of the ocean, then stretch out in the sand and make sand-angels in unison. Martha helps Todd to his feet, and guides him into the ocean, until they’re about waist deep. She gently dunks his head into the water, like an old-fashioned baptism ceremony. MARTHA To be washed in the unflavored campaign. Will denied freely in vain. A FIREFIGHTER, male, 40s, in full uniform, paddles by on a surfboard, as Martha pulls Todd’s head up from the water. 34.
35. FIREFIGHTER (singing) There is water at the bottom of the ocean. Under the water, carry the water. Remove the water from the bottom of the ocean. Water dissolving and water removing. He gives the universal “surfs up” hand sign, then paddles out farther, humming the chorus melody. INT. TODD'S CAR - DAY Todd drives, while Edward and Martha sit up front in their usual positions, and Marshmallow leans peacefully against the cake in the back, polishing his gun with his shirt. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Burnt titles, names and property. Better to wake dead among the living, than alive betwixt the dead. Edward takes off his tin foil hat, and dumps out a load of sand onto Martha’s lap. EDWARD THE 3RD The sands of the mystics, unable to be measured. Disappear. Reform. Only to disappear again without credence or commemoration. MARTHA Eden never inherited with magic tricks. Marshmallow tosses cake at her face. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Not enough to write existence off the cuff? Martha licks the cake off her face, then stares out the window towards the scorching sun. MARTHA Dependent on the weather. 35.
36. EDWARD THE 3RD Magnetic fates. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES And burning bush hallucinations. The tapping of miniature hammers on the hardwood! EDWARD THE 3RD This momentum of being better left unstaged, nevermore safely packaged within diseased, defective, shrinkwrapped cartilage! Marshmallow cocks his gun. MARSHMALLOW JONES Randomized psyops. Tick the clock! MARTHA The conversation always ends as it begins. EDWARD THE 3RD The stampede of tribalism. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Be killed with kindness. MARTHA And the world still spins. EDWARD THE 3RD On wings of feathers. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES And melting wax. MARTHA So flutters Icarus. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES To keep his damned schedule. Edward gazes out the window towards the Griffin flying high above. EDWARD THE 3RD Embrace the almighty fauna of damnation! Creation! Menstruation! Covenants washed back onto the very sand they were written! Marshmallow dumps sand out of his shirt pockets. 36.
37. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Not for simpletons. Nor slaves. Nor aroused prisoners of solitude. For zealots. Scrap metal fabricators. Trash pickers reciting myths on once championed mountaintops, carpet-bombed with nationhood and indeterminable self-defense. Pounds his chest in an ultimate fit of rage. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Leave your money to charity!!! Donate your unfried organs!!! Buried with your benefits!!! What is then left to confess!!! Out of energy, he passes out headfirst into the cake. EDWARD THE 3RD Who will be left to pivot the sanest prophet’s dementia. The death of the straw man! Todd drives farther, as they all share a brief, tense silence. MARTHA Why allow doubt, but to invite these manic flights. Marshmallow tries to speak, his head still buried in the cake. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Release or dispatch. The only conflict of any heroic substance. TODD (singing) Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. They all clap and sing in unison, growing progressively louder and louder. EVERYONE TOGETHER (singing) Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. 37.
38. EXT. DRIVE-THRU CARWASH - DAY Priests and nuns wax, dry and polish a few vehicles parked out front of the building, while Todd crawls like a dog towards a hearse, carrying his briefcase, the sack of gold coins and two gallons of gasoline. Martha, Edward and Marshmallow lean against his car in the background, watching him struggle forward. CAPTAIN MARSHMALLOW JONES Some callings are best to be declined, name and nationality surfaced by the sun, as their noses bleed from the cheap seats. MARTHA Icarus left without a genuine choice in the end. EDWARD THE 3RD Only one of the voices can maintain you yourself truly. (quietly to himself) Maybe two? He removes his tin foil hat, scratches his head, then counts on his fingers. EDWARD THE 3RD (quietly to himself) Or was it all three? Todd crawls inside the passenger side door of the hearse, as his phone somehow still buzzes from inside his pocket with a notification, as Once in a Lifetime plays. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE (distorted voice) Gaze at the clouds Todd and forever gain my wisdom. Good Luck. INT. HEARSE/ DRIVE-THRU CARWASH - DAY The hearse passes through the begining stages of the drivethru carwash, while Todd sits in the passenger seat, his briefcase in his lap, sack of gold coins on top, and two gallons of gasoline by his feet. FATHER MARCO, 20s, dressed like a punk-rock priest with tattoos all over his neck and arms, sits next to him in the driver’s seat, inspecting the bag of gold coins. 38.
39. FATHER MARCO Your own road to Canossa. Satisfied, he tosses the sack of coins into the back seat. FATHER MARCO The toll paid. They share some brief silence, as the carwash proceeds. FATHER MARCO No guarantees. No returns. No rain checks. Todd appears more paranoid and manic, with blood-shot eyes. TODD Is nothing real? FATHER MARCO That’s what’s keeping you grounded? Unable to ascend? Fucking hell! Nobody told you to hold on so damn tightly to any of this. TODD There must be truth. Undeniable, universal, uncontrived. FATHER MARCO Truth was not deemed essential. He flicks Todd in the groin, causing him to flinch back. FATHER MARCO Reproduction always favors lies. TODD Those voices of guilt? FATHER MARCO Did you come here to confess or jerk off existentially? Because I am honestly fine with either. TODD You already know all of it. Thoughts, actions, shame and regrets. Time and space finally resolved, reset, replenished. He takes the tin foil hat out of his pocket and puts it on. 39.
40. TODD Still, everybody knows. Everybody watches. Father Marco laughs at his hat, then lights a wooden pipe and puffs. FATHER MARCO Nobody ever comes to cleanse at this stage. Only to seek a way out. Icarus still proves the better guide. Yet another path of survival. Fuck! He blows smoke into Todd’s face. TODD Disgraced from all angles, truth tainted in the corners. FATHER MARCO You pine for truth like a whiny, neurotic bitch. TODD My thoughts no longer in tune. Barely my own. The frequency was indeed off from the onset. FATHER MARCO Then be judged a fool, by fools worshipping fools. Constantly fishing to ensure the proper replacement of fools, only to be righteously fooled into submission. Puffs his pipe, as the hearse approaches the end of the car wash. FATHER MARCO You already knew what the day would bring. Did you not yourself set the schedule? Todd holds on tightly to his briefcase. TODD The shame. 40.
41. FATHER MARCO Shame? The cunt’s old-fashioned, go to, mind-controlled, systematic oppression? And to its right, soulreaping guilt...the tired, final embrace of the impeccable cunted coven. Add the delusion of mercy, and the cunted trinity coalesces, unquestioned and territorial. Todd stares at his watch. TODD The schedule is truly my own then? FATHER MARCO Questions sometimes wait for death to be answered in full. And that is as pretentious as I will become on this brief journey of ours, fuck you very much. The hearse exits the drive-thru car wash. INT. PET STORE - DAY Todd lays on the floor, petting a litter of cute puppies, as Once in a Lifetime (the Angelique Kidjo version) plays inside the store. While Father Marco sits nearby, gently caressing a black cat. TODD To die a wretched old man or excavate original truth. FATHER MARCO And what about this appears so untrue? TODD Everything. Internally. Externally. Unmistakable sense deprivation. He lifts one of the puppies up over his head. TODD Excavate original truth. Places the puppy down and chases after another. FATHER MARCO You have chosen your path then. 41.
42. Father Marco puts the cat down and rises, while Todd catches the puppy and reunites it with the others. FATHER MARCO The game was always set up this way. Predators pick out the easy meat for numerous reasons. What more truth do you really need? TODD Nightmares spawn clearer truth. FATHER MARCO Then you should be more than satisfied. Todd lifts up one of the puppies, as it licks his face. TODD The path of the wretched old man. FATHER MARCO Debase the obvious to decrease the burden. There’s always bleach to be snorted, somehow always scrambled into perverted political combat. Yet another path of survival. Fuck! EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Bright sunlight shines down onto Father Marco, as he drives the hearse through an isolated forest area, while Todd sits in the passenger seat, gazing out the window towards the Griffin soaring high above. EXT. BAIT SHOP - DAY Todd walks towards the front door with his briefcase, Father Marco by his side. They walk inside. INT. BAIT SHOP - DAY Todd loads his briefcase with handfuls of worms, as Father Marco blesses them with holy water from a little bottle, in the surreally hellish shop. FATHER MARCO (chanting like he was giving a mass) Lock-jawed sermons. 42.
43. Todd closes his briefcase, now overflowing with worms. FATHER MARCO No reason with shadows. They walk towards disgusting slurping sounds, echoing from a dimly lit hallway, then turn a corner and view two old, obese men eating huge piles of shrimp with bibs on. The two men turn their heads and laugh like maniacs, as they spit out bits of shrimp, then scrape their tongues with their fingernails, causing blood to pour down onto the floor. FATHER MARCO (quietly to Todd) Yet another path of which I won’t linger. FATHER MARCO AND TODD AT THE SAME TIME Fuck. They quickly walk away in disgust, as the two men return to feasting like slobs. EXT. FOREST/LAKE - DAY Todd opens his briefcase by the shore, takes out a handful of worms, and tosses them into the lake, while Father Marco leans against the hearse parked nearby, smoking his pipe. FATHER MARCO I think your path becomes clear. He opens the passenger side door and places the two gallons of gasoline onto the ground. Gets in the driver side, starts the ignition, sticks his head out the window, and slowly drives away. FATHER MARCO Stop playing dead. Todd watches him drive away in a panic. TODD How do I get back! FATHER MARCO You don’t. He turns back towards the lake, as an old, disgruntled fisherman, GARY, 70s, now stands on the shore, seemingly appearing out of thin air. He casts his line into the lake, then eyes Todd. 43.
44. GARY Why’d you stop bonehead? They share some awkward silence. GARY Well, go ahead. Keep on tossing. Todd opens up his briefcase and tosses more worms into the lake, while Gary gets a bite on his line immediately, but struggles to reel the fish in. GARY Unusual. Todd rushes over and helps him reel in the most absurdly large catfish you could ever imagine, as Gary smiles proudly and pats him on the back. GARY Once in a lifetime. He takes the fish off the line. GARY What passes as mercy these days? Guides the massive catfish back into the lake with Todd’s help. GARY Catch to be released. Teased into submission. Imprisoned inside the mind. Then dangled freedom by some new and improved, technocratic talking head. They watch the catfish swim away to freedom. GARY Dead on arrival in a world on camera. Todd’s phone notification buzzes and Once in a Lifetime plays. FEMALE VOICE FROM PHONE (distorted) You still have one major life event scheduled for today. Good luck. Gary grabs the phone and launches it into the lake. 44.
45. GARY Manipulated black mirrors, full of disjointed phantom bait, shapes, sizes and bandwidth completely unanticipated. Satire sadly of our very own creation, to assuage vanity’s pleasure. He places his arm on Todd’s shoulder. GARY I do apologize my boy, but property is theft after all. Upon theft, upon theft, upon theft. Deflected by spies banging that generational war drum. Famine. Pestilence. White horses galloping six by six by six. And each night gaining steam. They sit down on the shore and enjoy the peaceful sounds of nature. GARY I know, I know. Why should an old wretch like me warrant any opinions in this young man’s world? Well, I say let traditions be pissed away, while I’m still able to perform such tasks. They lay down on the grass and stare towards the sun. GARY And leave me to bask in the rays, without fear of the next generation’s retort. Too flaccid. Too unaware. Same as it ever was. TODD (quietly to himself) To die a wretched old man. Gary blocks the bright sunshine with his arm. GARY Whether the truth appears now is not yours or mine to determine. Stares out towards the peaceful lake. 45.
46. GARY When your blood refuses to circulate. When your mind suggests revolt. When your path to nowhere all of a sudden gets diverted by medical advice on late night television, through lecherous, Machiavellian frequencies, the pursuit of the origin surrenders, burnt out to a crisp. He walks to the lake and stares at his reflection. GARY One way ticket to cooperative indifference. The path of the golden parachute. Todd open up his briefcase and dumps the remaining worms into the lake, while Gary flings his line in again. GARY I’ll stand solid and fish for awhile longer. Play judge, jury and executioner in one fell swoop. My own controllable chaos that needs no truth or destination to prosper. TODD Another path of survival? They stare each other in the eyes for a long silent moment, then shake hands firmly. GARY Fuck if I know. Todd walks away with his briefcase, picks up the two gasoline canisters that Father Marco left on the ground, then glances back at Gary, who casts his fishing line once more. GARY (singing) Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down. Letting the days go by, water flowing underground. 46.
47. EXT. REST STOP - PICNIC AREA - DAY Todd walks towards some picnic tables, carrying his briefcase and the two gallons of gasoline. He passes some teens, eating at one of the tables, each one in zombie mode, with their faces down in their cell phones. Stands right by them, opens the gasoline canisters, and pours gasoline over his head and clothing. Opens the second canister and douses himself again, while the teens don’t pay him any mind. EXT. REST STOP - PARKING LOT - DAY (MOMENTS LATER) Todd, completely doused in gasoline, walks casually through the parking lot towards the rest area entrance, carrying his briefcase. He pauses in front of the entrance and opens his briefcase, which contains one matchbook box. He bends down, opens it, and grabs the lone match inside. Holds it against the box, about to strike, when he notices the Griffin flying overhead. Gazes up towards the beast in amazement, smiling wide, a man at complete peace, then calmly strikes the match. He’s instantly engulfed in flames and runs around the parking lot like a human fireball, screaming in agony, while a few tourists take out their cell phones and rather casually take pictures and videos of the insanity. After comically running around in circles, Todd falls onto the pavement, his flesh burnt to a black crisp, as more tourists exit the rest stop, surround his smoking corpse, and take close-up pictures with their phones. One obese man eats from his bucket of fried chicken, enjoying the show through his phone’s camera, like he was watching a movie, while a FAST FOOD EMPLOYEE sprints by with a fire extinguisher and douses Todd’s already burnt corpse. He holds onto some misguided hope, as he douses Todd’s corpse again, as we begin to drift overhead of the absurd scene, following the Griffin as it soars towards the scorching sun. FAST FOOD EMPLOYEE Somebody call an ambulance! THE END (ENDING CREDITS MUSIC - TALKING HEADS - ONCE IN A LIFETIME) 47.