Affirm Honour Express Zine (5.5 × 8.5 in)

Affirm,
Honour,
Express

Land
Acknowledgment

LGBT YouthLine is based out of Tkaronto;
however, PYAP is provincial in scope. As such,
there is no one land to acknowledge as we span
several across what is colonially known as
Ontario. In Ontario, there are 133 First Nations.
Each nation has its own claim to the land, and
they have been serving as stewards of the land,
water and life since time immemorial.

We recognize that these lands are subject to
varying treaty agreements that do not represent
or engage many Indigenous communities
consensually. YouthLine works in these
communities, in this context, on these territories.

Dedication

This zine was born out of a shared love for self-
expression. It is by and for youth who engage in
different ways to find comfort in their identities when
coming out or inviting in isn’t safe.

We at PYAP would like to thank all of the youth that
took the time to share a glimpse into their journey
with affirmation and expression.

We hope you enjoy their artwork. We encourage you
to learn more about how to support yourself and the
wider 2SLGBTQ+ community through the resources
following the entries.

Disclaimer

The following entries share the true lived
experiences of 2SLGBTQ+ youth. Some of the
content may be difficult to view or read. Please
take care of yourself while engaging.

Hi I am the PYAP Unicorn, the program Mascot!
I hope you enjoy this Zine

WHO WE ARE

LGBT YouthLine is a Queer, Trans, Two- The Provincial Youth Ambassador
Spirit* youth-led organization that Program (PYAP) is a LGBT YouthLine
affirms and supports the experiences of program that brings together 2SLGBTQ+
youth (29 and under) across Ontario. We youth from across the province to
do this by: increase 2SLGBTQ+ programming and
supports in their local regions,
(1) Providing anonymous peer support strengthen leadership skills, and build
and referrals networks amongst 2SLGBTQ+ youth.
(2) Training youth to provide support to PYAP is by 2SLGBTQ+ youth, for
other youth 2SLGBTQ+ youth.
(3) Providing resources so youth can
make informed decisions

PEER SUPPORT HELPLINE

LGBT YouthLine offers confidential and non-judgemental
peer support through our telephone, text, and chat

services. Get in touch with a peer support volunteer from
Sunday to Friday, 4:00PM to 9:30 PM EST

Call: 1.800.268.9688
Text: 647.694.4275
Chat: youthline.ca

This project is funded by the Government of Canada’s Canada Service Corps initiative.
Disclaimer: The opinions and interpretations in this publication are those of the author and do not

necessarily reflect those of the Government of Canada.

Val (he/they)

Claddagh
Ring

Over the years before I was out as queer, I found subtle ways
to be quietly embracing my identity. Consuming queer content
in privacy. Creating alternative social media accounts just to
follow queer ones. Watching queer YouTube videos when I
was home alone. Watching Grey’s Anatomy just for Arizona
and Callie. Embracing subtle pride flag colours that can be
recognized by community (but not recognizable to cishets). My
first knitting project was a shawl of the genderqueer flag. My
father asked me what country it was and I laughed and
imagined a country just for us. I have always written poetry for
expression of self that I keep in a journal for no one else.
When I didn’t feel safe to come out myself I would act as
though I was just “a good ally” trying to make spaces safer for
those around me.

Page 1/2

Claddagh
Ring

My family then my queer and trans friends. Fast forward ten
years down the road I’m out to everyone I personally know.
But there are days I’m not always out professionally. Some
days I take away my they/them pronouns in my work email
signature so my client’s don’t know I’m trans for my own sake
and safety. But I wear, everyday, the rainbow bracelet my best
friend gave me, from the first Pride celebration she attended.
The only other piece of jewelry I don is my grandmother’s
claddagh ring that I got after she passed on. Representing
friendship, love, and loyalty, and to me that’s what is
important about my queer identity.

Mabe Kyle (they/them)
Neurodivergent mad queer nonbinary transgender
Lands of the Anishinaabe, Haudenosaunee, and Attawadaron peoples
on the Haldimand Tract colonially known as Brant County

@hapisolexpressions
Page 2/2

I'm Asexual &
I'm not going
to Heaven

Who am I to think "asexuality" is an identity?
To think we are valid in the black, white, purple stripes,
The ripcord strumming in our throats rejoicing in chorus,
To sit among others with garlic bread and cake,
Enjoying what we have and building strong relations.
Who am I to think that "romance and sex" is not important?
To stay alone and be happy,
Find comfort in our endless hobbies,
To believe that self-love is important,
That our love is not limited to one person.
To believe,
That love is limitless and bountiful,
Could never be taped down to
one person,
one activity,
one way of expressing its essence.

Page 1/2

I'm Asexual &
I'm not going
to Heaven

Asexuality is an identity,
An anarchist kind of sorts,
Redefining the concept of social relations,
In all its forms.
I am asexual,
And I am happy.

Creator's note: Art and reading non-fiction inspires me.
This poem is a response to that affirmation.

Page 2/2 Ace Beanie (She/her)
Asexual, dreamer

Choosing
Colour

Creator's note: Wearing or picking Jewel tones that
correspond with brighter more rainbowy colours

Northern Indigenous Youth

Creator's note: This drawing represents a refuge that online communities
and places were able to give me. A place to be myself. Whether it was with
my friends, or by myself I was able to create things in places like Minecraft
that were truly me. I could make Pride flags out of blocks, and be in a place
that was all my own, whereas in the outside world I may not have been able
to.

Silver Hewitt
they/them preferred, any pronouns except she/her and it/its, biromatic,

asexual, gender questioning, non-binary
Located in Toronto

to want, to live,
to be

Creator's note: TWs for homophobia. This is a
personal reflection where I wrestle both with my
circumstances and my attempts to honour myself
and seek happiness in my identity as a gay woman.

My heart is a pair of cupped hands, begging.

It reaches and reaches through my ribs, clawing and scraping and so, so
unceasing. It reaches and reaches, unfulfilled in its want, and the only
thing I can do, the only thing, is to keep it trapped and small in an iron
cage to keep that wanting contained.

Even though I long for love so badly that my teeth ache with it, I can’t
sate it. I can’t.

How do you reckon with the fact that love that can bring you the most
brilliant of joys comes hand-in-hand with almost-certain, devastating
loss?

How do I live with the knowledge that if I were true to myself, I would
lose the people who made me, who are supposed to love me most in the
world?

How do I begin to heal the abscessed wound in my chest? It throbs
whenever my mother says to me, “I love you more than anything and
nothing will ever change that,” and my immediate, biting thought is:
Liar.

Page 1/3

to want, to live,
to be

And yet: I love them. They have given up so much for me. They’re getting
older, and there is no one else.

This is not a duty I reject. I embrace it. I welcome it.

And yet.

And yet, I live.

I live by unlocking my heart’s cage and setting it free when I’m safe. With
friends in real life, who understand and relate and commiserate and let
me breathe and be. With friends online, with whom I can write queer
fanfiction and share queer fanart and scream to a tiny audience, this is
me! This is me!

I live daily by cracking open the door to my ribcage just a little, soaking in
the love around me. I smile when I see two women walk by me, holding
hands and giggling, their bodies curved together. I grin and clap and
cheer when I see someone proposing to their partner and they say yes,
pretending the tears in my eyes are only those of happiness. I watch
movies, TV, videos of real-life couples, and for a little while, I am not
alone. My heart sings even as it craves, and I hold it close to me and allow
myself to say, yes.

Page 2/3

to want, to live,
to be

Yes, I know. Me, too.

I live by dreaming. Sometimes it’s an exercise in anticipatory grief, a way
to harden my heart. Sometimes, it’s a miracle of explosive happiness and
acceptance.

I live by doing my best to love myself.

I live.

I look for my happy ending in others who can obtain it, and I mourn with
those like me.

I see you, I think to the ones who glow with promise of a future. I see you,
I think to those who drift through the world, want and wanting. I see you,
I see you, I see you.

I hope you see me, too.

And I hope that one day, that will be enough to let my starving heart lie
down and rest.

Page 3/3 Kay P. (she/her)
queer Indian woman
Located in so-called Brampton

Creator's note: punk is queer

Envy (they/them)
queer

@gardenofenvy
Located in Guelph

The Cloak

I tell my mom I prefer plain and baggy clothes
So, she stops asking why I’m not dressed “girly” enough
I tell my dad that short hair is the newest fashion trend
So, he stops asking why I’ve cut my hair “like a boy”
I struggle to keep my composure
Every time my parents call me their daughter
But every time I leave the house
I shed my oppressive cloak
And step out into the world
Both real and virtual
Unashamedly myself
Where I can be referred to however I want
Where I can dress however I want
Where I can be myself
It is a blissful reprieve from the confines of my home
But with each passing minute I grow anxious about inevitably going back
And donning that cloak again
So that my parents will never know the real me
Because if they knew
They’d hate me

Creator's note: I am non-binary but my parents
don't know and I don't think I can ever tell them

Anna Samson (they/she)
@chronicallyillxo

‫( فجر‬Fajr)

Creator's note: The title of this piece is ‫( فجر‬Fajr). Fajr is the first prayer of
the Islamic day that takes place after sunset and just before sunrise. This
painting is a representation of welcoming the light after darkness and
saying goodbye to the fleeting twilight that surrounds her and her mind.
Throughout this painting, I have hidden words such as “Fajr”, “Welcome”,
“Hello”, “Goodbye”, “Growth”, “Ritual” and “Together”, to connect this
cycle of transient and departing darkness to my mother tongue that I am
slowly relearning.

Rabia Choudhary
@misguidedsoul

rabiachoudhary.ca

i'll always be
around

i. an all nighter. caffeine-induced insanity. the sky bowing into
darkness, light sculpted soft in the flickering of a computer screen.
swallowing the truth, and spitting it back out. the desire to be
reshaped, reborn into something holy. you cry until your body
stops trembling, until your hands have been scrubbed clean of
depravity, the night just as miserable as the last lit streetlight.

ii. desire spirals into guilt spirals into violence. you point the knife
at the father, the son, the spirit, and then yourself. the heart,
homicidal. the soul, inconsolable. somewhere, a girl vaguely
reminiscent of yourself is drowning in a bathtub. you take pills dry
until your throat is lit ablaze. it tastes like gasoline. it tastes like
repentance. you wake up, still on fire.

Page 1/3

i'll always be
around

iii. the church pews are empty in your dreams. when you ask for
forgiveness, the silence that follows is nauseating. crosses form
on your skin through painted glass windows. you give it all, blood
like wine, chalk smudged on skin, body like bread, a communion
meant to be desecrated. when you close your eyes you don't see
Him, you see another set of hands clasped around your own. a
woman eager to be worshipped. a woman ten times more
merciful.

iv. time passes. you keep track of every girl you've ever loved,
wanted to have loved, or been loved by. a girl like the sea slips
her hand into yours and drags you to the beach at sunset, so fast,
heartbeat fluttering in your throat. a girl like the sun tastes like
oranges, florida heat, citrus spilled sticky on your thighs, so slow,
august like an impossible runner's high. they quench the burning
in your chest. you learn to coexist with your body again.

Page 2/3

i'll always be
around

v. you whisper the word to yourself as if reaffirming that you
exist. you smooth out old scars that remain, trace them until they
become faded leylines. you bury any last hopes of roses on your
doorstep. you will never be her boy, you will never be the girl your
parents wanted you to be, and you will never be the princess in
the castle waiting for the prince to show up and slay the dragon.
sometimes, you grieve for the child you will never have.
sometimes, the line separating yourself from those around you
hurts more than you can handle.

vi. i am six inches taller now but i still feel you wherever i go. i cut
my hair short like we always wanted to. i came out to our friends
like we were always afraid of doing. i read about people like us
and i write poems about girls i meet in my dreams. i exist
unapologetically. i love with my heart on my sleeve. the days are
rosy pink and it’s easy, so easy to breathe without phantom pains.
god, i wish you could see me now. you would have loved it here.

Page 3/3 Ty, Lesbian, Located in Toronto

I wanna be a
sk8r boy

Creator's note: This piece is about non traditional things that feel
gender affirming without alerting the outside world that I’m trans

Lilah Hill (they/them)
@sentient.pansy

Monster Echoes

Page 1/2

Monster Echoes

Creator's note: If the Western world is going to make a monster of me
and the things I hold within me--my queerness, my transness, my
Asianness, my deafness, my sickness, and so much more--then I will
hold them accountable to the image they keep of me. Even if they don't
realize it, the idea of everything I could be and everything I could
potentially hold within my being haunts them. The term "monster"
might be strong for some, but for me, it's a way of reclaiming and re-
presenting myself in the way I wish to be seen: powerful, wonderful,
and more than they want me to be.

伊MXKO Creates || Dany Ko
(siya/ or they/them)
Settler || Chinese/Filipino || deaf || Disabled || Queer || Trans || Monster

@mxkocreates
mxkocreates.art.blog
[email protected]
Page 2/2

I know I’m loved. What I don’t know is if it’s safe for me to accept
the love being offered to me by you, right now. Knowing that it
might hurt later. What I do know is I want to take it and
reciprocate regardless.

**
Coming out the first time was tearful, the second time tense, the
third time frustrating. I hope it gets easier. I am grateful when you
ask questions as painful as they can sometimes be. I know that
being able to bridge that gap is important so I grit through it.
Since the beginning. It’s been made that much harder by the
language barriers and the trauma in and around our own ever-
healing relationship. I know that all you want is the best for me;
that you imagined a life easier and happier than your own. I know
when you were navigating settling and raising children here, the
last thing you anticipated was having to confront and support
your queer and trans child. I feel guilty. The last thing I want to do
is make anything harder for you. I feel angry. You can’t ignore this
conversation or will it away. It has to be had.

**

Page 1/2

Meeting you on this journey has been joyful and life-saving. I
don’t have to explain myself. It’s humbling to collectively laugh at
and grieve our youth. It’s relieving that we can talk about
transitions of all kinds without pressure or expectation. I love that
we can be rad and non-conforming and there’s no judgement,
none. But. There are times where I feel the weight in my words
when I bring up my immigrant family or my class precarity or
how I move through the world as a dark-skinned person. I want
to go deeper and have a real uncomfortable conversation. But. I
hold my tongue because this feels good. This feels better than
what I’ve ever had before. This is enough for now.

**
I’m lucky to be surrounded with love but I still approach with
caution.

Creator's note: This is meant to capture the experience of trying to be
out/invite others in - how it’s a work in progress to affirm the whole of your
experiences. As a QTPOC youth, I feel like I have to do a lot of
compartmentalizing and straddling of community lines. There’s a sense of
not quite belonging or having competing selves that I have to mask or
compromise when I’m with family or with chosen kin.

Page 2/2 San (they/them)

Unapologetic

My winter has been
one of downcast eyes.
Acquainted with the pavement
more than the clouds.
Hands making love
to the pockets of my coat.
Feet pecking the ground shyly.
Cheeks coloring for the wind
caressing them ever so slightly.
Whisper greeting, misty breath.
I have been an apology.
Every step sounded as sorry.
Saying 'excuses for being around.
I scurry away now.'
However, not anymore.
There is no need for pardon,
since there was never a crime
in that queer spirit of mine.

Anonymous Youth

Rhys Armogan (She/They)
F1

Located in Toronto

Queer Ramblings:
A Reflection

“...queer as not about who you’re having sex with, that can be a dimension
of it, but queer as being about the self that is at odds with everything
around it and has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to
thrive and to live.” - bell hooks

I look in the mirror today and I see someone whom my younger self
feared. I’m the one thing she wished I would never be. 23 years later and I
thought I was done figuring myself out. Until I had an experience where I
realized the bi label no longer felt right.

I was left with fears of appropriating the new label I wanted to use, that I
was invalid, that changing labels perpetuated stereotypes we already try
so hard to challenge. I had always thought I liked men, that the default
emotion I was to feel in relation to them was attraction but that desire to
be wanted by men wasn’t real for me, it was a socialized response. I know
this is true because when faced with the reality of being with a man, I’m
met with anxiety, discomfort, and the constant thought of rather being
with a woman. I say this because I want to, not to prove myself but
because this, I’ve learned, is how I validate and affirm my identity.
Reaffirming the reasons why I know I’m a lesbian now is a way I feel
secure while coming into my new relationship with my sexuality rather
than coming out.

Page 1/2

Queer Ramblings:
A Reflection

Only my immediate friends know of my new label and I feel safest with
only them knowing. Now that they know, I have given myself space(s)
where I can freely speak and feel elated knowing I don’t need to hide,
because taking on a label that isn’t mine anymore feels like burying
myself. I can can express myself most in the spaces that my friends create
for me, in the subtle jokes that center my identity, in the wordless
affirmations when I speak about a woman and they know what I mean, in
hearing my friends say I’m a lesbian outloud. They don’t do this for me but
it is something I treasure because it allows my queerness to live
comfortably within me but also outside of me.

I like to look at the small pride flag in my room, and see lesbian
representation and feel warmth in my chest because yes, that is me, was
me, will be me. Questioning again allowed me to find a new way to be
queer. I won’t come out to everyone like I did the first time and that’s okay
because this time it’s better to let people wonder. In that wonder is a
space, a malleable place that is unknown and a little odd because it is a
space where I’m not always out. But in those spaces I express myself
discreetly by remembering my younger self and living for her even in
spaces where I don’t feel comfortable outing myself because she bears
witness to something she used to fear but is her reality either way. I
honour her by living in a bit of discomfort in order to be the version of
myself I love and the version I hope she admires and no longer fears.

Page 2/2 E.C.
I'm a lesbian writer (she/her) located in Toronto.

I enjoy writing poetry and personal pieces and
have had my work previously published in a

literary magazine. I hope to continue to write to
move, express, and to educate.

Creator's note: Photo shoot photo of what pride means to me. I wrote this
song around the dysphoria AFAB trans folks experience but particularly
mine [link address: https://www.instagram.com/tv/B8m9NPWhyx0/?
utm_medium=copy_link].

Luca Quinn (He/they)
@luca.c.quinn

I gobble up media that was created and claimed
by people like me. I am grinding every morsel in
between my molars to relish every detail, every
lyric, every shot, every stroke, every line. Things
created by other trans people are my favourite
things.

I wrap a towel around my waist and lay another
one around my neck so that each end covers my
chest and flex in the mirror. I am strong.

Creator's note: A couple things I do to feel better

Ian F (he/him)
Located in Toronto

Resource
Appendix

These resources were curated by a group of LGBTQ+ youth and are not
the end-all, be-all for supports. They are just the ones they found
helpful.

For Gender Affirming Gear

bindersOUT: Discreet and/or free binders in Ontario [link address:
https://flamingomarket.ca/pages/bindersout]

gc2b: Trans-owned binder producer with a focus on philanthropy [link
address: https://www.gc2b.co]

Gender Gear: Discreet shipping, trans owned, and operated out of Toronto.
Hosts educational resources on gender affirming apparel/gear [link address:
https://www.gendergear.ca]

Genderbands: Offers free chest binders; also provides financial assistance
for gender-affirming top surgeries and HRT [link address:
https://www.genderbands.org]

Ontario Federation of Indigenous Friendship Centres: Partnered with
gc2b to provide binders for those who need them [link address:
https://ofifc.org]

Page 1/4

Resource
Appendix

For Gender Affirming Gear (continued)

Point of Pride: Offers free chest binders for those who cannot afford one;
Has discreet shipping and resources on how to care for a binder [link
address: https://www.pointofpride.org/]

QMunity: Bra, binder, and breast forms exchange; Accepts donations and is
based in Vancouver [link address: https://qmunity.ca/get-
support/youth/bbbexchange/]

Spot of Delight's: Binder Exchange Program at 426 Richmond St. in
Toronto They accept donations of binders, too. [link address:
https://www.spotofdelight.com/products/binder-exchange]

The 519: A plethora of educational and supportive services along with a
binder exchange program; Located on Church St. in Toronto [link address:
https://www.the519.org]

Youthproject: Chest binders, gaffs, packers, and trans tape for those in
Nova Scotia [link address: https://youthproject.ns.ca/genderaffirmingitems/]

Page 2/4

Resource
Appendix

For Education and Fostering Community

Access Alliance: A walk-in clinic for multicultural and community services
that serves as a "hub" for LGBTQ+ resources [link address:
https://accessalliance.ca]

Black Queer Youth Initiative: Enabling African-American queer people
between 16 and 29 to explore what gender means to them in a supportive
community [link address: https://soytoronto.com]

Community One Foundation: Provides grants and awards for those
in/serving the LGBTQ+ community

ClubFTM: An online community for trans-masc and nonbinary people to
share resources surrounding medically transitioning [link address:
https://clubftm.com]

EGALE: Working towards building inclusive communities in schools and
offers extensive workshops surrounding topics like gender and sexuality.
[link address: https://egale.ca]

Friends of Ruby Youth Drop-in Centre: Offers mental health resources
and a safe space for LGBTQ+ youth

Page 3/4

Resource
Appendix

For Education and Fostering Community (continued)

Kind Ottawa: Offers many things including a trans-ID clinic, referrals, and
the Paid Sick Day Fund, allowing LGBT workers to take a paid day off when
aspects of their identity and work/life balance become overwhelming [link
address: https://kindspace.ca]

ACAS Queer Asian Youth: Offers peer support and resources for LGBTQ+
and questioning Asian youth [link address: https://acas.org/programs/for-
youth/]

SOY Toronto: A community driven support network at Sherbourne Health
Center; For anyone under 29; [link address:
https://www.basketballinsiders.com/canada/soytoronto/]

Trans Lifeline: Providing peer support by and for trans people [link
address: https://translifeline.org]

Windsor Pride: Offers many services including youth outreach, referrals,
and social gatherings for LGBTQ+ people in Windsor [link address:
https://www.windsorpride.com]

Page 4/4