Silly Little Feelings(1)

In Embarrassing Earnesty

Just for Jesse

From Me

My key taps slow as though the screen
Says, 'Wrap it up,' or dims its glow
It's late; the dark is all half dream

Although there's more the laptops know
There will be space tomorrow when
The place is bright and blinds the box
Inside of which we'll meet again
As strangers in weird, stilted talks
Frustated by misspelt mystaeks
The unsaid reasons I took time

Those out of turn answers then breaks
If for each one I'd earned a dime

You listened and intrigued me such
I didn't care I stole your clock

I thought by typing we could touch
Our fingers, and so interlock
It's all a farce, perhaps a fraud
A high to put off boring lows
But I was dazzled if was odd

Inside me still the light won't close
For windows sell a merry view

Protecting all from heat and cold
As though the picture is what's true

Although the ad is never sold
Between us two, things wrote but write
Suppose it's right when we should meet

Is dark what lets us dream so bright?
Or does the night hear each heartbeat

And pass to day the folded note
To say, 'I'm tired of her conceit

Wouldn't you try an antidote
By granting love the mercy seat?

To give the fool a cupid's bow
And let the flood of sun consume
Her torch of all she couldn't know
But wished for in a moonlit room'
There's too much that I may assume
Before we meet, and meet, and show
Rather than tell, in this vacuum
Where flickers leap and even grow
But thanks not to the weary gloom

Of variables unforeseen
Nor to the switch from pitch to plume

Which kills the flame with gasoline
But thanks to you if you read me

And close the tome once you have done
More thanks for if I too can see
Your own, and if we have begun

I can't tell what you make of me,
Or more important, what you will;

No seers exist to predict this,
Or for how far we'll be until
The heart strings sing a note too shrill
So fray. By death? divorce? dull drill?
Think of the day we'll both be free
From doubt about this trek uphill.
I've undertaken the same risk
That puts the Melatonin pill
Inside your after late-night swill,
Which keeps at bay a sleepless chill.

Albeit it's at your decree
To see in me a moil for skill.
Perhaps I am no more than grist
Against the boredom of your mill.
You can't tell all the thoughts I kill
With courage when I lie so still.
We think although we cannot see;
We dream and know it dumb to wish.
I love you, and have come to spill
My blood from heart to breast to fist
Into your arms, this promised thrill.
Let's live, improve, and not let flee
What's written with an honest quill:
I vow these fields of mine to till.
Together we'll find plein d'esprit!

I searched my mind for what it knew;
After the last, the heart is not
A tangled knot of red and blue,

Emotions separate from all thought.
Yet search I might to always seek
And never find what is forgot,
Like every sign that cannot speak
Nor be cast by the brain it caught.
Why do I love this life with you?
Is it for all the pleasures brought?

Or simply for what's fresh and new
And chosen, built upon from naught?
There's leisure each day of the week,

But happiness is hardly sought
By treasured lives who help the meek,

Only to having fought be shot.
I feel the beats inside me true;
How can I get what I have got?
To understand what flutters do

Without developing a clot
Of thinking in lyric mystique,
Then becoming too overwraught.
I want the truth however bleak:
To know my love as all robot,

As all a circuitry and clue
Of myself when glad or distraught,
As measured out as Monmouth drew

The legends of forced Camelot.
I see the least of all he knew
I hear the half of what is true
I'm tangled up in red and blue

My mind does not find its blind spot
The search defies the eyes that seek
For heart inside the head that's weak
The ears of course distract me through
Their ringing at the love's sped peake

I can't tell the parts I've written in
There must be words I wasn't told

Yet all the picture's pencilled in
To now await blue ink in bold

I haven't drawn much of a page
The letters pale beside the lines
Yet all the sketch has set the stage
It's vague, but still I saw the signs

The curtain opens to a crowd
Of only two, who play lead roles
In fact, just they are there allowed
To be or not to bare their souls
Perhaps our claps are just polite
Twice-counted coins inside a booth
Suppose the popcorn saved the night
Does theatre ever show us truth?

Now I don't know how I stood before
Or made by way towards the shore
After each unsuccessful swim
I guess that I called this a whim
And angled not to catch a fish
But to be tangled, six to four
Each day and savour in the wish
Wasting the hours with every swish
Of line, or net, or dive alone
Only to plate a dish of bone
So then to be found by you, him
I think you're who I will adore
And if the time I dream should dim
It's cos you brighten me much more
Than idleness out on my own
Or cynicism, to which I'm prone

Love puts some land beneath one limb
And for the other three, to soar
Enough light air to lift the brim
Of any forward troubadour

Where shall I go? on this new floor
With rock below, to safe explore

With sky above, there's 'fear to hone'
And much to prove, improve, and score

There are things that never shall be known
They can be; No three cut the strings
But neither is my fabric sewn
Entirely by you, nor by me

There's words between two which are true
While many lies lurk in between
In silences of calculus, the clues
We send or read unseen
This I propose is fair and just
I'll try to give my very most
Of what I see, and why I trust

You'll do the same as here proposed
I don't care to know every thought
More than I need to tie each knot
Less should you hear my feelings all

I overshare; am overwraught
But I think I would heed the call
Of any answer you would seek

And I would tell you openly
With everything I do and speak
So just the thread I have in hand
Is what I need for my rucksack
And all I'd have you understand
Is you're the needle in the stack

I like you though I notice flaws
Which flaws, and how? Please never care

I'm certain I have given pause
To you. Yet now we're almost where

There's satisfaction in the faults
We've seen. They show what both can bear

That part of every late night waltz
Betrays tempo to idly stare

For me, the reason this is ours
The proof I love you as I share
Has everything to do because
Your heart wants more so takes the dare
Of brave men in their final hours
Who threw the dove and gave a glare
To hospital dorms of man's laws
Which closed the door, to say, Rest there
I know your focus free of schmaltz
And kitsch, should hold no final prayer
You act upon what few adults
Conceive, though told, that Death will spare
Not those who dream of afterdeaths
And do no good, aiming for fair
But those with insight all their breaths
As children could before the care
For I-versus-a-world-at-odds
Was taken down in disrepair
But those who challenge all the gods
And place that crown below the stair
Who gather knowledge from the kiss
Of life or death and judge it air
Who nobly save, describe, dismiss
That ancient breath as did Voltaire
The Reaper hides from such true thoughts
And actions brave enough to scare
For these defy shelved Camelots
And give what gave Love in warfare
The best is timeless, always fresh
Expressed apart from crowds; aware
The rest is mindless, made of flesh
Weak rotting hearts which can't declare
Their motives and the worth of souls,
The width of Earth, all by themselves,
Because most fulfilled all their goals:
Death after birth, and never delved.

I have told you of my past
This is the way that lovers meet
As you have answered all I asked
A trade that made the knowledge free
Who knows but us why it goes fast
Although our knowns are incomplete
With every dawn we rise unmasked
A little more, less you than me

I am not slides of yesterdays
I wish I were, some of the time
So all I've shared is blurred in greys
Upon the photos, dirt and grime
But I will sleep for every phase
Of coming, disappearing dime
As I will wake to the star's face
Waiting to be that day, that climb
How will I do, and live this life?
How should a love be forced to guess!
Suppose our future past is rife
With all my misery's egress?
Suppose these pages, 'man and wife'
Draw out your hours without success
You may excise them with a knife
From your album like an abscess

The moral compasses of some
Are wonky as that Captain Hook's
Stuck with molasses and chew gum
So that the needle turns them crooks

Alas, the wisest men play dumb
Looking for loopholes in the books
For reasons why said rakes succumb

To faulty spins old Satan rooks
While all the world besides agrees

Upon four corners to the soul
Bearing how best to sail the seas
And navigate from pole to pole
There's suffering and its decrease
The south and north of noble goal
Then enmity and love crosspiece
The west and east of each bell's toll
All works we do with anxious looks
Are measured out upon the plumb
Et cum our virtues in their nooks

Supply to God our moral sum

When I'm swept off my feet
I don't fly on pink clouds
I fall flat on my seat
Thinking foul things aloud
It's a born saboteur
If his bow she rebuffs
But the bones are on her
Without chases and bluffs

All the nymphs in the green
Know the words to refrain

In their woods, they're unseen
Till they whisper to gain
But I walk without hurry
Cannot follow, won't lead
And my mind is in worry

So it writes what can't read
Without heart, without sense
Without form, without grace
With his knowing her dense
With her mouth out of place

From the start, I am horrid
Not for long was it chased
But the effort was torrid
In the end, what a waste.

How is your night?
How might I say,
But do you mind
That I'm not there

Much as I do?
I'd like your arms,

To not have to
Be bored to ask,
Resigned to bore,
With the hard task
And dulling chore
Of typing keys,
To not ignore,
To write 'how are...'
Then thank you, please.
Because I'm far

I'm ill at ease
From you.

You're from me, too.
I wasn't there today.

I didn't see.
I'm forced to say
'Bests' mindlessly,

And try to pay
Attention,

As I dream away
The things of mine
That made my day
Without you fine,

In fact okay.
It's only now at night
That time seems wasted.
All my hours of precious

Light in disarray,
My politesse

Is copy-pasted
Bull shit all behind of which

I wish...
I wish I never have to write
Another soppy 'K good night'
I hope: to find that we won't stray,
To see your doings, and you mine,

To save midnights
For better use

Than typing-games
With roughshod cues.

Next time I want
To come to stay;
It's useless writing

While away.

A person is an iceberg
And I haven't known you long
I've peered under the waters
But the current here is strong
So closely sailing 'round you
Same way that you circle me
I've said, 'I hope that I'm not wrong!

With all the soul I see.'
I'd put a lifetime into it
To let the snow-ice melt
So that we'd know each other
Like the oceans we have dealt
Perhaps love is a waiting dock
Us, chiseled down by years
Until we're sure if we have felt
The music of the spheres
I'll sit, and wait, and anchor here
But sing no maiden's song
I'll try to figure out whether
This is where I belong
I recognize there's lots to do
Enough I shan't be bored
And as for if I am your prong
To choose? You are adored

There is a God I didn't know
Who walks on Earth today
He's not a priest or saint although
He dares and plans to stay
So just to wander in the woods
Should you meet Jessie James
Remember, young Red Riding Hoods
It's safe, blessed by those names

~~~
I could be your barnacle
A tag-along and cheat
You would be the Moby
That the striped men won't defeat
You could be Napoleon

A physicistic King
I would be your Josephine

A privileged underling
I could be a nothing much

A nuisance and a drag
You would be tempted to touch

Your Chaos should I lag
You could be the child's globe

Inside my memory's dream
I would dress up or disrobe

For no one but our team
You will be as you are now

A million miles out
And I will love you still somehow

Of that I have no doubt

At the crossing of my Rubicon
I bid adieu to all my past

Said goodbye to the safety gone
Am grateful now the die is cast
What lay ahead was life or death
What lies instead is shame or glory
I wonder at names on my breath

At how I figure in their story
Since everyone arrives somehow
Sometime at rivers wide to ford

Departures never disavow
Our tracks by trekking on the sword

The done side is a distant sweep
Of dust I need not look to see
Its memories perhaps I’ll keep
After this side in front of me

I want to be both large and small
My hero and another’s drum

The moment is a dream and all
A chance to reminisce will come
So step by step we march towards

The city as a lonesome band
Not knowing if our work accords
With what immortal dice have planned
The choice they made for us we chose
We think no more except to act

Yet individual insight knows
Each ceded his will to the pact
A storm to prove each brother’s worth
Excites us and distracts us from
The pleasures of sandcastle earth
We exchanged for this fresh boredom
Of walking closer in our wait

Together and at last alone
Ignoring that our lives equate

Unless we elevate our own
I’m happy for what’s left behind
There’s nowhere anybody’s home
Love’s all a figment of the mind
While war anticipates in Rome

If I leave behind the room of doors
That leads to nowhere, I won't shrug

If I trade in my friends for yours
It's nothing, not a forlorn tug
I choose the future
Over pasts
I choose adventure
Over class

I see what makes the clearest sense
With what I care to be and how
It's a mistake of existence
Not to prepare the here and now
For something great
For everything
So I won't wait
And I will bring

A heart that's fresh, a head that's cool
To guide the hands and legs along
Because it's good to let Love rule
A little when the motive's strong
We'll be as one
Forged by our trust
Until the Sun
Turns to stardust
I love you only, Jesse James
Am your Zerelda, thick and thin
Let's be amused by petty gams
That others play to lose; We'll win.

I never shake the hand of Fate.
I wave away its void conceit.
I see its jewellery inequate,

Then peer for better folk to greet.
Born riches, luck, talents negate,
Leaving impressions incomplete.
Wherever are the condign Great?
The smiles of Virtue I would meet.
The eyes of Wisdom learned it late,
Through others' and their own deceit.
The words of Courage stormed the gate,
After they were forced on the fleet.
So I don't kiss the hand that dubs
One, knight; one, prince; one, king warlord.

I kiss only each noble love
Not first ordained by Fate, the sword.

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