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Published by Harmonia Norah, 2017-08-30 07:54:12

tatler man whos the man


Life s tyle


Being a bloke used to be so easy and uncomplicated, but now it’s just confusing.
Each week sees a new term coined to describe us, and it’s hard to keep up.

Are you a lumbersexual, or possibly a heteropolitan? A himbo, perhaps, or maybe
even a manspreader? If you’re at sixes and sevens wondering what type of modern
man you are, then allow Domhnall O’Donoghue to shed some light on the situation

Wh ’ Ma ?

THE RETROSEXUAL the difference between teal and aqua and, therefore, wears any auld tat

Who is he? He’s the laid-back man who doesn’t seem to give a that keeps him warm in winter and cool in summer. Whether these

shiny shite about anything, and who proudly boasts something of an clothes are clean or not is immaterial.

undeveloped aesthetic sense, happily spending as little time and money Who are his friends? His best pal is his dog, Rocky. When it

as possible on his appearance and lifestyle. comes to humans, a retrosexual does have a couple of friends but never

Famous examples: Former ITM cover star Clint Eastwood made close ones – and arrangements for meeting again are never permitted

a career out of being the epitome of a retrosexual, while it also seems to beyond a simple, “See you around.”

be some time since the likes of Sean Penn, Javier Bardem, Bruce Willis, Where is he likely to be seen? While a retrosexual really

Mel Gibson and former ITM interviewee Liam Neeson had a bar of soap likes sex, no woman will ever come between him and live football on

in their hands. the box, whether it be in the pub or at home, which is usually a trailer

What does he say? “What the fuck is exfoliation?” that’s parked somewhere in the woods. And only a very special dame
What does he wear? A retrosexual has zero interest in knowing
will drag him away from Match of the Day.


CLINT EASTWOOD MADE Where is he likely to be seen? At a THE HIPSTER IS A BEARDED
THE EPITOME OF A gym, under a sunbed, in a club or posting LUMBERJACK AND VICTORIAN

What does his future hold? A What does his future hold? After lumbersexual spends roughly the same amount
of money, but looks filthy.
retrosexual does not cook anything more establishing himself in the next big reality
sophisticated than Pot Noodles or, at a push, show, the himbo will be advised to strengthen Famous examples: George Michael,
baked beans. One day, as he’s chugging a few his brand by making as many public
beers, watching the dying embers of his appearances as possible, whether it be the Hugh Jackman, Conor McGregor and Gordon
campfire fade, Jamie Oliver and a TV crew will opening of a letter, a window, an eye or a D’Arcy.
approach and insist that he becomes a part of mouth. The invitations will come fast and
his new show, From Beast to Feast. The furious, overwhelming the poor divil. Unable to What does he say? “Movember is for
retrosexual will then get out the shotgun and keep on top of his chaotic diary, the himbo will
kill them all. Luck will be on his side, however, eventually throw in his sweaty, fake-tan stained amateurs and Ikea is for losers.”
when it turns out that the judge has despised towel and follow in the footsteps of Abba’s
the Naked Chef since he first graced the small Agnetha Faltskog and disappear into the What does he wear? The lumbersexual
screen all those years ago and will, therefore, mountains, never to be heard of again. (Years
throw a blind eye on the whole affair and life for later, rumours will be rife that the recluse was brings the outdoors indoors. Apart from a
the retrosexual will continue as normal. forced to feed on the remains of a certain beard that reaches his quadriceps, he will have
London celebrity chef in order to survive.) spent a king’s ransom on flannel shirts, duffle
See also: THE MANTAGONIST – that coats, steel-toe boots, woollen hats and
See also: THE SPORNOSEXUAL is a shades. Sporting tattoos are typically a must
chap who has a little too much libido for his while axes as accessories are optional.
own good and feels that he has to be the more extreme breed of himbo. He is just as
antagonist in every situation. plucked, tanned and moisturised, but leaner Who are his friends? Lumbersexuals
and buffer and defines himself less by the
THE HIMBO clothes he wears than by his HD-ready body, pay no heed to the old adage that opposites
which he hopes will be perpetually ogled at the attract; instead, their mantra is birds of a
Who is he? To put it testicularly, a himbo is beach, high street or club. feather, stay together – an expression that is
rather appropriate seeing as they are hell-bent
a bimbo with a penis, whose testosterone is THE LUMBERSEXUAL on staying at one with nature.
high and IQ low.
Who is he? This guy is a metrosexual who Where is he likely to be seen? A
Famous examples: Nearly every male
feels the need to hold on to some outdoor- lumberjack and his similarly hirsute friends will
participant in reality shows such as Fade Street, based ruggedness, thus opting to keep a finely spend almost every hour that the good Lord
TOWIE or Tallafornia, as well as many trimmed beard. While the metrosexual, who sends in the chicest barber in town, getting a
characters played by Channing Tatum, early now seems to have past his best before date, haircut, a beard trim, a facial or a head massage.
Keanu Reeves and Matthew McConaughey. was clean and pretty and well-groomed, the They don’t wake up looking this rough, you know.

What does he say? “Did you know that What does his future hold? After

when you spell Peru backwards, you get accidentally getting a few crumbs caught in his
Europe?” beard following a rushed lunch, some bright-
spark lumberjack will have a brainwave that
What does he wear? Very little, other facial hair can do more than just create a good,
manly look. If it can host crumbs, maybe it can
than a well-toned, well-oiled torso that’s as house animals, or even become a bird
hairless as a Sphynx cat and as brown as a sanctuary. Heck, if it can do all of that, surely it
sliver of shite. is strong enough to provide accommodation
for humans. These lodgings will be called B&Bs
Who are his friends? Like attracts like, (Bed & Beard). Don’t mind gold or oil – hair is
where it will soon be at.
so himbos are each other’s BFFs. They
compare muscles and strength, and question See also: THE HIPSTER is a bearded
whether the discolouration of their urine is on
account of the copious amount of whey protein and tattooed urban lumberjack and Victorian
shakes they consume or the bevvy of cocktails preacher hybrid. His thrown-together appearance
that they necked back the night before in The also belies a painstakingly constructed image.
Wright Venue.


HETEROPOLITANS ENJOY What does his future hold? The Where is he likely to be seen? If
AFRAID TO THROW ON A future is bright for the heteropolitan and he will he’s not driving around in his ridiculously
SPLASH OF MOISTURISER soon be receiving slippers, pipes and expensive convertible, wolf-whistling at the
exorbitantly priced high-end whiskey as ladies, he’s (begrudgingly) attending the
THE HETEROPOLITAN presents from his adoring children. christening of his seventh godchild.

Who is he? By all accounts, it seems that the See also: THE UBERSEXUAL, What does his future hold? As Mr

heteropolitan has it all: perfectly at ease with a man who exhibits traditional masculine Clooney will attest, most spurmos eventually
themselves, they enjoy a few pints while watching qualities as well as the caring nature of the find themselves uttering those two repulsive
the GAA but aren’t afraid to throw on a splash words: I do. The journey to the altar will be a
of moisturiser before they hit the hay later that New Man, THE HOFF, Hot, Fit and Fifty, rocky one, however.
evening. Usually in their late 20s or early 30s, and THE GASTROSEXUAL, a guy who
possibly fathers or husbands, heteropolitans In a last-ditched effort to retain his coveted
are the in-between mix who enjoy both the bars cooks as a way of impressing friends and bachelorhood, on the morning of the wedding,
and the grooming salons, and are committed prospective male and female partners. the spurmo will anonymously call the police,
to their relationships and families. convincing them that the priest due to oversee
Not to be confused with the DAD BOD, the nuptials was seen flashing his Little Elvis in
Famous examples: David Beckham is
the softly-rounded father who divides any free
the doyen of heteropolitans having long since time equally between the gym and the pub.
cast aside his metrosexual coil, while Kayne
West shows many signs that he wants to be a THE SPURMO
part of the club.
Who is he? It’s an unfortunate-sounding
What does he say? “You wouldn’t have
acronym for a Straight, Proud, Unmarried Man
a low-calorie, organic option, would you?” Over 30.

What does he wear? Staying fit (for Famous examples: Until he succumbed

health rather than aesthetic purposes, although to the charms of a certain human rights lawyer,
who doesn’t like owning a six-pack?) means George Clooney was the patriarch of spurmos.
that they are confident wearing tight-fitted Leading men in line to fill his shoes include
T-shirts or skinny jeans. Unlike metrosexuals Bradley Cooper and Leonardo DiCaprio, as well
before them, their skin only changes colour as former ITM interviewees Chris Pine, Michael
when in the sun. Fassbender and David Gandy.

Who are his friends? While he’s still in What does he say? “It’s weird that my

contact with his old cronies, the heteropolitan is lifelong fantasy of sleeping with a yummy
now a little more family-oriented and so is often mummy no longer involves older women.”
seen in the playground with his new brother-in-
law, pushing their respective children on the What does he wear? While the spurmo
swings, while discussing Conor McGregor’s
latest victory. still likes to wear open-buttoned shirts, his
bank balance now allows him to upgrade from
Where is he likely to be seen? A Ben Sherman to Tommy Hilfiger, though the
colour palette will be a little brighter than in his
heteropolitan is just as comfortable practising younger days; a not-so-subtle attempt to divert
yoga, wandering about the farmers’ market or attention from receding hairlines or
attending the theatre as he is cheering on the meddlesome crow’s feet.
Irish rugby team or having a few evening pints
with the lads. However, like Cinderella, he is Who are his friends? Sadly, spurmos
home by 12; after all, those wrinkles and
under-eye bags aren’t going to get rid of are an endangered breed of bachelors who
themselves. often find themselves drinking in isolation and
being dependant on a charitable bartender for
conversation as all their other friends have
surrendered to marriage, wine racks and
child-rearing. Having roamed in great herds in
their 20s, spurmos can often find themselves
hard-up for mates and, as such, they are forced
to hang out with those they would have happily
bullied in school.


the nearby playground. But these attempts will, other women, or in the case of multi-story Famous examples: While they are
ultimately, prove futile as the local police shopping centres, leaning on the railings of an
station will have shut up shop for the day to upper floor watching the people below. ten a penny, none encompasses the true
attend the wedding (the blushing bride is the spirit of a manterrupter better than sometime-
sergeant’s niece) and so the poor sod will have THE MANTERRUPTER heteropolitan Kanye West. Taylor Swift,
no choice but to relinquish his spurmo status. Beck – nobody is safe when Yeesus is around.
Who is he? He’s the big-mouthed guy who
See also: THE MODERN DANDY What does he say? He will say any
is compelled to interrupt others; in particular,
never knowingly dresses in an understated way; women. A phrase coined by Time magazine, auld shite so long as he’s saying it. And has
on the contrary, this chap kits out his wardrobe this annoying transgression could take place in an audience.
with admirable gusto. He considers himself a work environment or a social setting. But
a bit of a style leader, though others wherever it is, this fella thinks his voice is a What does he wear? The manterrupter’s
(such as retrosexuals) might not agree. vessel used by the gods and whatever diatribe
emerges from it is sweeter than the angelic wardrobe often mirrors his booming vocals
THE MANSPREADER tones of a nightingale. and he usually incorporates loud colours into
his attire such as a vermillion coloured tie or,
Who is he? A bloke who sits down on like Mr West, their idol, a nifty pair of Ray-Ban
a chair and spreads out his legs to make a
V-shape with them. Public transport such as Who are his friends? In order for the
the DART and Luas are particularly popular
hotspots for the manspreader. manterrupter to exist, it is imperative that he is
surrounded by similarly loose-lipped companions,
Famous example: Bill Clinton proudly otherwise he wouldn’t have anyone to rudely
cut across.
manspread his legs on a recent cover of Esquire
(the image probably triggered many tearful Where is he likely to be seen?
memories for Ms Lewinsky), while Jay Z is
often papped manspreading at the front row of Anywhere that Taylor Swift is being presented
basketball games. with an award.

What does he say? “Lads, I need to What does his future hold? While

manspread – I’ve been on my feet all day.” the manterrupter might think that today and
every other day will be rosy, the jig will eventually
What does he wear? A manspreader is be up for this type of overpowering nonsense
when some frail octogenarian, who he skipped
drawn to clothes that are loose-fitting and in the queue at the butchers, will prove to be
comfortable, thereby allowing him the freedom his Waterloo. To teach him manners, the fiery
to stretch his pins far and wide. And so, if Keith dame will take out her pepper spray and leave
Lemon featured a manspreader on an episode him temporarily blind, resulting in him tripping
of Through the Keyhole, the presenter would be over and stumbling under a meat cleaver, where
sure to find a fine selection of shorts, possibly he will find himself, rather inconveniently,
of the Bermuda, sports or cycling variety, in the getting beheaded.
Later, as he stands at the pearly white gates,
Who are his friends? He has none as the manterrupter will annoy the bejaysus out of
St Peter so much with his constant interjections
he keeps everyone, not just at arm’s length, but that he will be quickly shipped off to Satan, who
also at leg’s length. will have no hesitation in sticking a pitchfork
into his rambling tongue. Silence, at last.
Where is he likely to be seen?
Anywhere that there is a chair, there stands the
possibility of being a manspreader nearby. Even dude who explains in a patronising manner,
America, the land of the free, has had its fill of assuming total ignorance on the part of those
such shenanigans and the Metropolitan listening. ITM
Transportation Authority has put themselves
on the line and mounted a campaign stating: NONE ENCOMPASSES
“Dude, stop the spread, please… It’s a space THE TRUE SPIRIT OF A
What does his future hold? We all

know the expression: If the wind changes, your
face will stick. Well, the same can be applied to
these lads because if they are not careful, a gust
of wind will come in from the Irish Sea and
hijack the carriages of the Northbound DART,
leaving them permanently frozen in their
leg-spread stance. Come Hallowe’en, they’ll at
least have plenty of options for their trick or
treat costumes: a waddling penguin; the
Bermuda triangle; a sumo wrestler in starting

See also: THE MANSTANDER – a guy

who simply stands outside a shop while his
wife/girlfriend/partner mooches about inside.
Manstanding involves looking into space, at

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