Life s tyle
THE BRO CODE:
The 40 COM DMENTS
We’ve all read those antiquated lists of behaviour and etiquette that
gentlemen are supposed to live by, but today’s bloke is different from his
forbearers and the rules have changed and changed utterly. And that’s
why they need a re-write, suggests Steve Cummins
1617 IRISH TATLER MAN
wacaksinprtehceeddeady wbyhdenatseesx, ex, sister or mother. It’s rude, dangerous sex with you. Don’t be the guy who turns heads
rwahtheenrttehleapnhsowniepecsa,lls or creepy, depending on which one you do. for the wrong reasons. We’re not suggesting
were a weekly luxury, Also, just for a second imagine what you’d you spray it up in the air and sashay through the
rather than an hourly do to any man who made advances at your mist; just don’t bathe in the stuff.
mammy. Look what Oedipus did to his dad for
Bnuisance, and when running making moves on his mum. Then again, that’s 8TINRSUTSITNYCOTUSR
for the tram, rather than Instagraming oneself probably not the best example.
mid-benchpress, was the most common form If you think, for even a second, that
of exercise, things were a lot more simple for 4LOOK SHARP someone is being an asshole to you, then
the average man. Own one really good, made-to-measure they absolutely, most definitely are. Have
Rules were once passed down from suit with all the accessories and have it hanging an appropriate response at the ready (Go
generation to generation, and adhered to in your wardrobe ready to go. You never know f*!k yourself is a good catch-all phrase. Just
rigidly. There were no grey areas, simply black when some golden situation will arrive and don’t use it on your boss, the police or any
and white. Fast forward to 2015, however, and you need to be ready. Whether it’s a wedding, hermaphrodites you may know).
it’s a whole different ball game. funeral, interview, court appearance or
But modern living need not be overly unexpected date with Scarlett Johansson. OK, 9FOOL ME ONCE
complicated or stressful, as the following 40 not the last one but hey, dare to dream. If someone dumps you and then tries to
guiding principles that all real men should get back with you, send them packing. They
live by will attest. Arm yourself with some 5 GET GREASY weren’t happy with you before, what makes
impeccable manners, a decent joke, a killer suit Learn what the major parts of a car are you think they’ll be happy with you now? The
and, crucially, a healthy helping of self-respect and what they do. It’ll only take an hour and will truth is, they tried to find someone better and
(and, of course, a copy of ITM) and the world, save you years of embarrassment when dealing failed. What do you think will happen when
chaps, is your oyster. Carpe diem! with mechanics. Mentioning how the engine they feel like trying again?
“sounds a bit chuggy and tired” and how you
1BE FAITHFUL think that it “might be the flange thingumybob” 1 0 IDNOFNI’DTEFLOIRTGYIVE
You’re not a child anymore. If you want to go will only get you condescending looks and a
around banging like a wheelie bin lid during a hugely inflated bill. If you’re sticking with rule number one, then
storm, go right ahead – just don’t lie to some so can they. Being drunk, lonely, sad or feeling
woman who foolishly believes that you’re not a dog. 6 AFOCUKRNTOHWCLOEMDMGAENTDHMEENT unloved is no excuse for being unfaithful. If
they cheat on you once, they absolutely will do
2 BITE THE BULLET Visit your parents every chance you get. If it again if the opportunity arises. Also, have
If you’re in a relationship and you want you’re too far away then call regularly. They some self-respect.
out, then man up and tell her. Don’t be passive have given you more than anyone ever will; and
aggressive and try to get her to dump you. To when they’re gone, your last refuge goes with 1 1 NEVER BE THE LAST
paraphrase a famous sports brand, just do it – them. You’ll be an orphan and you haven’t even ONE TO LEAVE A PARTY
but face-to-face. Text, email and Facebook are got Bruce Wayne’s money. Anyway, look how
cop-outs. miserable he was. Being the first to arrive isn’t ideal either, but
at least you can help with the set-up. Being
3 EMTAISQTUEERTSTEEXUAL 7 BE SUBTLY STINKY the last one to leave when all the host wants
The only person who should be able to smell to do is sit with their partner and bitch about
Never, ever, ever sleep with your friend’s your cologne other than you is the person having everyone at the party only ensures that you
become the sole topic of conversation.
THE BENEFITS 12 19MODESTY
OF EXERCISE Nobody likes a bragger.
ARE ENDLESS Don’t name-drop, place drop or
experience drop excessively. It’s
OK to be proud of what you’ve
achieved, but don’t drone on
We all know we should,
but not all of us do. The benefits
to exercise are boundless, not
least in making you a hell of
a lot sexier that you are now.
Reducing your waistline by three
inches can increase the length
of your penis by more than an
inch. What more incentive do
1 2LIVE IN THE MOMENT 1 6HELPING HAND 21PPALARNTYAND
Don’t live your life through a lens: now If someone asks you for help, then
that we have a virtual Hollywood studio built do it – without protest – and stay until the Invest in your future, but don’t
into our phones, we’re tempted to document work is done. If someone regularly asks forget about today. Yes, it’s
every moment of our lives, from meals out for help and starts to take you for granted, important to have a pension
and concerts to school plays and milestone tell them to go and take a running f**k at and decent savings, but what’s
moments. A word of advice: Don’t. a rolling doughnut. Never allow yourself the point of being solvent in
Put down the camera and actually experience to be taken for granted; no one respects a your 70s if you did nothing
the moment. You’ll probably never look at push-over. during your 20s and 30s. Live a
those videos again, but if you’re present and little – after all, you may get hit
truly experiencing it, you won’t have to. 1 7JACK IT UP by a bus. But be prudent – after
Learn how to change a flat tyre and all, you may not get hit by a bus.
1 3 SHORT AND SEXY don’t assume that just because it’s a man
The old adage about a speech at the side of the road, they know how to 22KNOW WHEN TO STOP
being like a woman’s skirt is a true one but change it. Offer to help and turn down any Get tipsy, merry, even giggly, but
it also covers toasts, work presentations and reward. If it’s a woman and she wants to give never drunk. If you’re drunk, you can’t
anecdotes down the pub. It needs to be long you her number or buy you a drink, be sure protect yourself, your partner or your
enough to cover the salient points but, crucially, to ignore the previous sentence. reputation. It’s fine to be the naked guy on
short enough to keep it interesting. the roof of the squad car when you’re 18, but
18FBEEEADSTTHE people get very tired of the pisshead as he
1 4 KNOW WHEN TO HOLD gets older.
YOUR HANDS UP You’re a man now and far too old to be
peeling off plastic covers before you chow 23TAKE A RISK
Admit it when you’re wrong – it makes you look down. Learn how to cook a perfect steak Always, always, always try to kiss the
like the bigger person and completely takes the and how to make a simple salad and girl. The worst that could happen is she’ll
wind out of your accuser’s sails. If they continue dressing; and how to make an omelette turn away and you’ll be embarrassed or
to browbeat you after a full and frank mea using leftovers from the fridge, just in possibly the subject of a sexual harassment
culpa, then they look like the a$$hole, not you. case you don’t have a freshly butchered lawsuit. But the best that could happen
Just don’t make the same mistake again. carcass in the pantry. Nothing is sexier could be anything.
to a woman than a man who can whip up
1 5 CRACK THEM UP something amazing to eat in less time 24DON’T BE A TIGHTWAD
If you’re not naturally witty, then learn than it takes to finish a glass of wine. If you get good service from anyone,
one really good Joke. Practice it over and over tip them – even if they’re someone who
until it’s perfect and then wait until some other normally doesn’t get tips. A case of beer to your
people have told a few. Deliver it flawlessly and mechanic at Christmas, for example, might
then shut up. You’ll look hilarious and modest. save you hundreds throughout the year. If you
(Search online for ‘nasal sex joke’ if you want an tip the bartender or server in a place you go
amazing dirty joke, or ‘chicken walks into a library regularly, they will remember you and you will
joke’ if you want a clean one. You’re welcome.) get preferential treatment. The reverse is also
true: if you get bad service, say something.
Sometimes it’s a genuine oversight, but other
times they’re just trying to take advantage of
your gentle ways.
1819 IRISH TATLER MAN
anything just to impress people who
might see you reading it.
PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY 34LYOOUVERSELF
AND PAY ATTENTION TO
THE WORLD AROUND YOU Stop looking for other people’s
approval. You’ll either get it or you
won’t – but you shouldn’t let it
dictate your actions.
Rules aren’t necessarily rules; they
are guidelines that you should
usually follow. Nothing is set in
stone. Douglas Bader, the famous,
legless WW2 fighter pilot, put it
best: “Rules are for the obedience
of fools and the guidance of wise
men.” We don’t recommend you
use that as a defence the next
time you’re in court for a motoring
25LOOK UP the ‘in’ spot. If you have to queue, then you’re 36UISRPIANRAALMEOTIUQNUTETTE
Put your swanky phone away. Everyone not ‘in’ in the first place. If you must get in, try
seems to spend their lives with their face buried a subtle but extravagant bribe to the doorman. Never use the urinal next to someone if
in their laps, no matter what the occasion. Put If it works, you look like a god. If not then go another one is available. Don’t be tempted to
your phone in your pocket, pay attention to the somewhere less exclusive. Like your Mum’s. sneak a peek, no matter how curious, and keep
world around you and the pal opposite you, She’ll always let you in. conversation to satisfied sighs and well-worn
and you may end up with someone else’s face platitudes. (You only rent it, fatal first piss, etc.)
buried in your lap. 30DRAM OF GOD Finally, never try to shake someone’s hand until
Learn to appreciate good whiskey you’ve both washed up.
26INVEST IN YOUR HAIR and learn how to drink it. No ice, no mixer; sip,
It’s no longer OK to spend a fiver on savour and always from a good glass. You’ll 37BE THAT GUY
a dry cut just so you have money to buy cider look effortlessly cool and it happens to taste Always get the first round in. It’s just
later. Your gruaige is the one outfit you wear amazing. It’s also only 70 calories a glass so classy. Don’t get the last one in.
every day, so go to a reputable salon, get a your dick will thank you too.2
decent style, use quality products and bask in 38LEARN HOW TO FIGHT
the attention. 31DON’T GET OFFENDED Whether it’s taekwondo, MMA
No one cares and it makes you look like or simply being able to throw a few jabs,
27NONE FOR THE ROAD a prude. If you find someone, or something, time spent learning some basic self-defence
Remember that you continue to offensive, keep it to yourself and try lightening is time well spent. You don’t need to be
absorb alcohol into your system for more up. If someone is being offensive to someone the next Conor McGregor, but you do have
than an hour after you down your last drink. who can’t stand up for themselves then ignore a duty to yourself, your friends, your
Try to think of that when you’re tempted to this rule and … partner and your family to be able to
have one more for the road. If you feel quite protect them.
drunk at closing time, that one last shot will 32ALWAYS STAND UP
hammer you on the way home. FOR THE LITTLE GUY 39DAONNO’TTHEENRCMROAANC’SHLOANDY
28TS*H!ET OPROTGET OFF Never stand by and allow someone to be Picking up on “marked” women is on par with
bullied. That’s not to suggest you should drinking the last beer in the fridge: don’t touch
Don’t vacillate. If you have all the get killed for a stranger, but in any it unless you call it. If no one responds in five
information, then make a decision and act. environment, whether it’s the pub or the seconds, it’s yours.
Nothing is less impressive than a man who office, your duty as a man is to stick up for
can’t make up his mind. For example, don’t someone who can’t. 40IGNORE THE BOOS
hesitate, just do it – go and look up what They usually come from the
‘vacillate’ means. 33EXPAND YOUR MIND cheap seats. ITM
Read what you enjoy reading and make
29WALK ON BY no apologies, but make every third book you 1 I made that up but it seems plausible, doesn’t it? It
Never queue for ages just to get into read something that you normally wouldn’t
and, crucially, that challenges you. Never read certainly can’t hurt your chances of getting laid.
2 I made it up, remember. Try to keep up.