Building a Culture of Great Conversations Relational Values At Work
© Relational Values Alliance 1 Introduction Why Are Great Conversations So Important? The world is more connected than it’s ever been before but something is missing. We can communicate instantly with colleagues and customers who live miles apart but that doesn’t always guarantee great relationships. In fact, without intentional, meaningful connections we can feel incredibly alone. Watch this man describe his experience of aloneness. Can you relate? We define ALONENESS (or feeling lonely) as feeling unsure if anyone truly knows you or cares about you. No one wants to feel alone, but what do we do? Here’s the place to start: Have great conversations! Conversations are a great way to make connections with people. Through the power of conversation we can feel seen, known, understood, and less alone. Watch this video about the power of great conversations and how they can lead to more connection! Prepare to be amazed and less alone! When we learn how to have GREAT conversations, we meet relational needs—needs that can only be met through relationships with other people! Here’s the amazing potential: When relational needs are met, we feel less alone. Here’s a list of the Ten Most Common Relational Needs with their definitions. Take Action: Look over the list of the ten most common relational needs. Choose two or three that are the most important to you, then have a great conversation. You might even want to set up your own Conversation Couch in your office! Invite a co-worker or colleague to guess their top three relational needs from the list. Discuss your three needs and why you think those needs are important to you. Make the goal of your conversation to leave the other person feeling seen, known, understood, and less alone!
2 © Relational Values Alliance Part 1: What Makes a Great Conversation? A great conversation IS when two people take turns listening and talking about ideas, thoughts, and feelings, and both people feel comfortable and connected. A great conversation is when both people share their story, listen to one another’s story, and know the other person cares! Take Action: Remember the last conversation you had that fits the description above. Tell another co-worker or colleague about that experience. What made it great and why are you grateful? Take Action: Be the Catalyst Watch this video about the Top Ten Relational Needs Assessment. After the video, take the assessment HERE and learn more about your top relational needs from the results. This assessment will reveal how you experience the most care at work, in your friendships, your family, and all your relationships. Ask a co-worker or colleague to take the assessment too. Have a conversation about the results and insights you gained. When your top needs are met, you will each feel less alone! Talk about what it could look like and sound like to give and receive these needs with one another. Remember: We can all learn how to communicate more effectively. This growth guide is designed to help you experience great relationships through more and more great conversations! Part 2: Here’s What a Great Conversation Is NOT. • It’s not being rude or disrespectful. It’s not interrupting, talking down to the other person, or being sarcastic. A great conversation is NOT where one person does all the talking or one person feels insecure, intimidated, disconnected, or alone. A great conversation is also NOT just going through the motions pretending to listen and care. • Watch the video HERE. Let it remind you and inspire you NOT to have similar conversations!
© Relational Values Alliance 3 A Great Conversation Includes and Builds Trust Session 1 Trust means having a sense of security, safety, and confidence with another person. Learning how to build trust is necessary if we want to create lasting relationships. The next pages will help you learn to build trust! • Watch this video for a reminder of what it means to TRUST. • Share Your Story—Have a conversation with a co-worker or colleague . Think about one of the people you trust the most. What do they do/not do that has earned your trust? Tell why you are grateful this person is in your life. Let this be a conversation about trust and one that builds trust. WHY are great conversations important? Your organization’s culture will benefit when you build trust with others in your organization.
4 © Relational Values Alliance Part 1: Listening Builds Trust Great conversations often mean talking less and listening more. • Great listening means: Facing the other person, making eye contact, being aware of body language, having no other agenda except to get to know the other person, helping them FEEL heard and understood. • Great listening does NOT mean: Interrupting the other person, planning what you’re going to say next, judging the other person, jumping to conclusions or demanding a response. Watch this video to see what we mean! • Take Action—Remember a time when YOU’VE been a poor listener. Tell a coworker or colleague about a time when you missed this need and how you would like to change. “I am trying to become a better listener. I remember when I _____ instead of... From now on, I want to change this by...” Part 2: Taking Initiative Builds Trust Great conversations begin when you go first! • Go first with vulnerability. Let the other person know you. Being open first about your thoughts, emotions, and story can help build trust. It shows you’re willing to take a risk, you’re open to connection, and that you’re a real person too. • Take action with someone you already know. Watch this VIDEO together and then start up a conversation with a co-worker or colleague. Let them know how you’re REALLY feeling and ask them to share the same. • Take action with someone you don’t know. Start a conversation and be vulnerable first with your name. “Hi, my name is ____. What’s your name?” Continue the conversation by asking questions just to get to know the other person. Part 3: Demonstrating Care Builds Trust Great conversations mean listening to their story, sharing your story, and showing you care! • Watch as ONE of Bing Bong’s friend listens and cares, while the other doesn’t. • Take Action—Think about someone who’s going through something hard. Start a conversation. Be sure to listen and show them you care. “I was thinking about how you’ve been going through... How are you really doing? I’m just here to listen.”
© Relational Values Alliance 5 Make It PersonalStart a Great Conversation Sometimes the hardest part of a great conversation is getting it started. We can feel awkward and uncomfortable until we break the ice. Let these pages help you take the first step. Remember: Having a culture with great conversations increases employee and customer loyalty, participation, and performance. Session 2
6 © Relational Values Alliance Part 1: Great Conversations May Require You to Go First • Having connected conversations often requires that we take the initiative. This isn’t a skill we’re born with, but with a little practice you can learn to start up a conversation with anyone! • Click HERE for 40 great conversation starters in the workplace. • Take Action—Start a conversation with a friend or co-worker: “I’m learning about the need for great conversations and I’ve realized that I am (not very good/ somewhat ok/pretty good) at starting up conversations. Can I ask you a few questions to practice?” Try out some of the ideas in the link above. Part 2: What If I Freeze Up When I Start a Conversation? • We all have situations when we freeze up and need a little support to make a conversation flow. Here’s an acronym to help you think of a way to start any conversation or continue one that’s stalled. ᵒ S—Say your name. Ask for theirs. ᵒ T—Top. Tell about the high point of your day. Ask about theirs ᵒ A—Appearance. Give a compliment about clothes, shoes, etc. ᵒ R—Relationships. Ask about family, friends, pets, etc. ᵒ T—Top. Tell about one of your top favorites. Ask about theirs. • Take Action—Pick two of the examples above and practice initiating a conversation with someone you don’t know or don’t know well. Here’s what that might sound like: “Hi, my name is Sarah. What’s yours? What’s been the best part of your day so far? The best part of my day has been...” Or, “Hi, my name is Ty. What’s yours? I had Starbucks and a bagel for breakfast this morning. They’re my absolute favorites. What’s your typical go-to for breakfast?” • Watch this video for tips about how to never run out of things to say. Part 3: Take Action • Remember when someone took initiative to start up a conversation or took a risk to be vulnerable in a conversation first. How did you feel? What courage did this person display? • Tell a co-worker or colleague about this memory. “It really meant a lot to me when _____because... I know he/she showed a lot of courage because_____. I’d like to show more of that same kind of initiative and courage by...”
© Relational Values Alliance 7 Listen in a Great Conversation How are YOUR listening skills? A good listener: 1. Makes consistent eye contact when the other person is talking. 2. Completely focuses on the person, gives plenty of time and priority for the conversation, and isn’t distracted. 3. Gives clues they are tracking what’s being said. It might be visual clues like smiling or nodding or auditory clues like, “Uh huh,” “Yeah,” or “No, really?” 4. Mirrors or reflects back what they’ve heard so the other person knows they’re understood. 5. Asks follow-up questions that are on topic and gives opportunities to know each other more. Remember: When people know you are a good listener, they will seek opportunities to share conversations with you. Be ready to acknowledge, affirm, commend, and celebrate with them. Click HERE for some great reminders about the art of listening. Session 3
8 © Relational Values Alliance Part 2: Practice Listening • To become a better listener, we need to practice. Remember how you feel when others listen well and give you their undivided attention. Remember how you’ve felt when others have NOT listened well to you. Let these memories motivate you to listen well, and then practice your own listening skills! • Let this video remind you what to AVOID when you’re trying to listen and tips for how to speak so that others listen well to you! • Show You Care: Have a conversation where you ask another co-worker or colleague how they’ve felt when people have listened well and when they haven’t. Part 3: Take Action • What two people will you start a conversation with and practice your active listening skills? ᵒ Who needs you to ask about a decision they’ve been needing to make? ᵒ Who could you go to for advice, input, or get their ideas? ᵒ Who needs you to ask about a significant event or an important day? ᵒ Who needs you to ask how they’re dealing with a stressful situation? ᵒ Who needs you to ask about a friendship or relationship struggle? • Choose two people and decide how/when to initiate the conversation Share your plans with another co-worker or colleague. “I will ask ___ about ___ when ___. This will be a good time because...” “I will ask ___ about ___ when ___. This will be a good time because...” • Watch this video and let it remind you of your goal: The person you’re talking to has been alone long enough! Remove their aloneness through your great conversation. Listen to their story, share your story, and then show each person that you care! Part 1: How Am I Doing at Listening to Others? • Great listeners display the characteristics on the previous page. • Click here to take the Listening Self-Assessment. • Show You Care: After you have taken the assessment, share your results with a co-worker or colleague. “I took an assessment recently to help me know how good I am at listening to others. According to the assessment…(I need to be more thoughtful about listening well to people; I am somewhat effective in listening to people; or listening is one of my strengths). How do you think I’m doing at listening during the times that we talk?”
© Relational Values Alliance 9 Care in a Great Conversation • Becoming a person who cares means intentionally listening for things you have in common. It’s often especially important to look for common interests or “Me-Too-Moments”—if the relationship is new. Here’s a VIDEO for inspiration. • Take Action—Have a conversation with someone you don’t know well. Ask openended questions until you find something that the two of you have in common. Celebrate those “Me-Too-Moments.” • Here’s what this might sound like: Where did you grow up? or Where would you like to travel?” “Hey, me too! I’ve lived here my whole life. It’s been great, but I’m like you. I’m ready to see what else is out there.” “Wow, same for me! I would love to go to Australia one of these days. It would be so cool to hike and backpack there!” Session 4 Part 1: Sometimes Care Means Listening for Things You Have in Common and Celebrating Them • Becoming a person who cares means intentionally finding ways to affirm others. It’s especially important to give a compliment if the relationship is new. This builds trust. • Take Action—Have a conversation with someone you don’t know well. Ask openended questions until you hear something you can give a compliment about. • Here’s what this might sound like, Who are some of the favorite people in your life? Or, What are two things you’re most proud of? “Wow, it sounds like you’re extremely loyal to your friends!” “That’s impressive. You’ve accomplished some important goals!” • Here’s a VIDEO to give you a little support for this skill. Part 2: Sometimes Care Means Listening for Reasons to Give a Compliment
10 © Relational Values Alliance Part 3: Sometimes Care Means Looking for Reasons to Celebrate • Becoming someone who listens well in all relationships means intentionally listening for opportunities to celebrate with people. • Take Action—During a next conversation, listen for the positive things people say and celebrate them. If they are happy, verbalize how you are happy. If they are glad, verbalize how glad you are. • Here’s what that can sound like, What’s been the best part of your day? “Wow, that’s terrific! I’m so glad that happened for you.” “It sounds like you’ve had a good day. I’m happy that you’re happy.” Even if a person doesn’t specifically name their positive emotion or if they minimize the good things that occur, celebrate anyway! Often, people are so used to being ignored or feeling uncared for that they overlook or minimize the good things that happen. YOU can demonstrate care by listening for THEIR reasons to celebrate, verbalizing those good things, and celebrating anyway! Part 4: Sometimes Care Means Looking for Reasons to Give Comfort • Becoming someone who listens well in all relationships means intentionally listening for opportunities to share compassion. • Take Action—During any conversation, listen for the painful things people say and comfort them. If they are stressed or upset, verbalize how you care. If they are sad, verbalize how sad you are. • Here’s what that can sound like, What’s been the most challenging part of your day? • “Oh gosh! I’m sorry that’s happened to you. I hope things get better.” • “It sounds like you’ve had a really tough day. I’m sad you’re going through that.” • Even if a person doesn’t specifically name their painful emotion or if they minimize the painful things that occur, share compassion anyway! Often, people are so used to being ignored or feeling uncared for that they overlook or minimize the painful things that happen. YOU can demonstrate care by listening for THEIR reasons to give comfort, verbalizing those things, and giving care anyway!
© Relational Values Alliance 11 Appendix
12 © Relational Values Alliance Part 1: With caring connections, good things happen. We all have unique relational needs—the distinct ways that we feel cared for and loved in relationships. In this session, you learned more about giving and receiving CELEBRATIONS to help create caring connections. Caring, connections in the workplace help: • Increase employee engagement in the organization’s mission. • Decrease turnover, absenteeism, and conflicts. • Increase customer loyalty, as more consistent and genuine service is provided through caring connections. • Instill the common foundation of worth and value for each person, regardless of differences. • Reduce social isolation and aloneness. • Enrich relationships at work and at home. • Instill the “soft skills” and emotional intelligence for effective leadership and collaboration. • Develop a relational culture of prioritizing people, teamwork, mentoring, providing exceptional customer experiences, and living out a life purpose. Part 2: Without caring connections, bad things happen. Without caring connections and if relational needs are missed, bad things happen. When we are feeling alone, disconnected, or isolated, we might: • Have difficulty working in teams. • Struggle with communication or focus. • Lose motivation or the ability to creatively solve problems. • Have more physical symptoms and absenteeism. • Lose sleep or become depressed. • Become irritable, critical, uncooperative, or impatient. • Be more fearful, anxious, and have a tough time trusting other people. • Be more prone to abuse alcohol, drugs, or porn. • Escape into media, TV/movie streaming, gaming, shopping, work, or hobbies. • Feel depressed, withdrawn, or resentful.
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