Growing in Respect Relational Values At Home
© Relational Values Alliance 1 Introduction Part 1: Connected or Alone? Our world is more isolated and alone than ever before. Whether we realize it or not, being alone has negative effects on our mental, emotional, and spiritual health. We were made for genuine human connection. It is no surprise that we need things like air, food, water, and shelter, but the truth is: We need more than these. We need caring relationships. Since it is true that we need connection and good things happen when those meaningful relationships are in place, what is it that we need? Watch this video. It explains how every person has at least ten important Relational Needs—needs that can only be met in the relationships. After you watch the video, guess your top three relational needs from the list below. (You will take the full assessment at a later time). * Acceptance * Affection * Appreciation * Approval * Attention * Comfort * Encouragement * Respect * Security * Support Here’s the Top Ten Relational Needs list with definitions Share Your Story—Invite someone else to guess their top three relational needs from the list. Discuss your top three needs and why you think those needs are important.
2 © Relational Values Alliance Good News or Bad News Take action: Good news is: Every human on the planet has these relational needs. You are in good company! When these needs are met, good things happen. We feel loved, cared for, valued and important. Here is the bad news: Without caring connections and if relational needs are missed, bad things happen. Needs missed result in feeling alone, disconnected, and isolated. Share Your Story—Have a conversation with a friend or family member. Talk about the good things that happen when your needs are met. Your conversation might start with: “When my relational needs are met, I _______________.” Share what happens when your needs are missed. “When my relational needs are missed, I _______________.” Watch this video. Let it be a reminder that everyone you know and everyone you see has a story. They are looking for connection just like you. You can be a part of making good things happen by listening and meeting relational needs. As you watch the video, identify at least one person who might need: * Acceptance * Appreciation * Attention * Comfort * Encouragement * Support Ask someone else in your life to watch the video with you and have a conversation about the relational needs of the people in the video. Final step: Create a post on social media. Tell how you and your family are learning more about how to have great relationships!
© Relational Values Alliance 3 What is Respect? Session 1 Respect is treating people as important and regarding them with great value, honoring others with your words and actions. The opposite of respect is disrespect, to undervalue, or abuse. Respect includes using an appropriate tone of voice, apologizing when you have done something wrong or messed up. It includes listening without interrupting or checking with someone before making plans that affect them. It sounds like: I’d like to hear your ideas. What do you prefer? I was wrong. Will you forgive me? Watch this video. It helps you remember what respect looks like and sounds like. Share Your Story—Remember a time when YOU felt most respected. If it is someone in your home, tell them about it face-to-face. If they aren’t in your home, text the person who showed you respect. In person or via text, tell them why you are grateful for the way they showed respect to you, and then have a conversation with someone about these moments.
4 © Relational Values Alliance Respect is not: Take action: Here is what respect is NOT. It’s not being rude or disrespectful. It’s not interrupting, being mean or sarcastic. Respect also does not include being late, taking other’s things without asking, or treating others as less important than yourself. Remember a time when YOU’VE been rude or disrespectful or a time when you missed giving this need to someone else. Share Your Story—Tell a friend or family member about a time when you missed this need for someone else and how you would like to change. You might start with words like, “I am trying to become a more respectful person. I remember when I ________ instead of meeting their need for respect.” Show You Care: Talk to another colleague or co-worker about their need for respect. Learn what is important to them. Try these words: “I’m trying to learn more about how to show respect and become a more respectful person. What does respect look like, or sound like to you?” You might consider making an apology as a way to demonstrate respect to someone. Here is what a good apology sounds like: “I realize I was wrong when I missed your need for ______. I know you must have felt _____ when… Will you forgive me?” Post a video on social media of yourself having a conversation about the need for respect.
© Relational Values Alliance 5 Make It Personal How Important Is Respect to You? To learn more about respect, take the first half of this short assessment to learn how important the need is for you. You’ll do the second half next week. Click here to take the Respect Individual Assessment (Part 1). Share Your Story—Have this conversation with a family member “I’m learning about the need for respect. I took an assessment recently, and it seems like the need for respect is (not very important/somewhat important/very important) for me. Would you like to take the assessment? Then we can discuss it.” Session 2
6 © Relational Values Alliance Which Aspect of Respect is Most Important to You: Take action: We all have a need for respect, but we also have unique and personal ways we like for others to show it. Here are five unique dimensions of respect. Which one of these is most important to you? ° Check in with me before making a decision that affects me. ° Give me a chance to share my ideas, opinion, and perspective. ° Respect my property, privacy, and time. ° Treat everyone with dignity and value regardless of any differences. ° Talk to me with a respectful tone of voice, be careful to listen without interrupting. Apologize without defensiveness. Share Your Story—Pick one of the examples above and share these words with a family member: “The aspect of respect that is most important to me is…I know this is true for me because I hate it when…” Watch this video. It reminds us of how it impacts people when we treat them with respect and disrespect. Remember when one person in your family gave respect to you in the personal way you mentioned above. Text or tell this person face-toface and let them know you are grateful for how they met this need. “It really meant a lot to me when you showed me respect. You did that when…Thank you!” Show You Care: Post a video with a shout-out to the person who gave you respect in this personal way.
© Relational Values Alliance 7 Giving Respect How Am I Doing at Giving to Others? Now that you know more about respect, it is important to focus on giving it! To learn how well you are doing at giving this need, take this short assessment. Click here to take the Respect Individual Assessment (Part 2). Show You Care: After you have taken the assessment, share your results with a family member or friend. “I took an assessment recently, to help me know how good I am at giving respect. According to the assessment…(I need to be more thoughtful about giving respect to others; I am somewhat effective in giving respect to others; or meeting this need is one of my strengths). How do you think I’m doing at giving respect?” Session 3
8 © Relational Values Alliance Practice Giving: Take Action: Make a Plan to Give To become more respectful, we need to practice giving respect to others. Respect is contagious. If we want to be a respectful person, we first have to give respect. Video: Medal of Honor Recipients Talk About Respect Show You Care: Take time this week to ask someone you trust for advice. Ask their opinion or get their ideas on a topic that is important to you. Show them respect and watch for the good results. • What two specific people in your family will you give more respect to this week? ° Who needs you to check in before changing the plan or making a decision? ° Who needs you to ask for their advice, input, or get their ideas? ° Who needs you to respect their property, privacy, or time? ° Who needs you to treat them with dignity and value regardless of any differences? ° Who needs you to talk to them with a respectful tone of voice and listen without interrupting? • Choose these two people and decide how you plan to give to them. Share your plans with another friend, parent, family member, or mentor. 1. “I plan to give to _____ by…” 2. “I plan to give to_____ by…”
© Relational Values Alliance 9 Live It at Home or With Close Friends • Becoming a respectful person means showing respect in all relationships. Be intentional this week to show respect in each of these ways. • Show You Care with Friends: ° Ask one of your friends to teach you something they are good at, and you want to know more about it or how to do it better. “You’re really great at…Would you show me how to…?” • Show You Care with Family: ° Giving a good apology is one of the best ways to show respect. Both children and adults need to practice apologizing to each other. First, think of ways YOU may have caused hurt for someone else. Have you broken a promise, missed a need, reacted in anger; lost your temper, spoken harshly or disrespectfully, disappointed someone, or let them down? Here is how to apologize without justifying or excuses: ° “I was wrong when…” ° “I know you must have felt…” ° “Will you forgive me?” Be sure to wait for the answer. Be sure to listen without interrupting! That is showing respect. Live It Out Live It at Work or In Your Community • Show You Care with Co-workers: ° When decisions are going to affect other co-workers at work, ask for their ideas and preferences before acting. Here is how that might sound: “How do you think we ought to handle…?” “What do you think is the best way to…?” Be sure to listen well and thank them for their input. • Show You Care in the Community: ° If you hear an opinion you disagree with, instead of arguing, first seek to listen and understand the person’s experience. ° Notice when someone is trying to speak but gets interrupted. Direct the conversation back to them. ° Stand up for others when you see them being disrespected. Session 4
10 © Relational Values Alliance Take Action: Share Your Story—Have a conversation or post a video where you describe how you have grown in respect. Tell about the five unique aspects of respect and how you plan to continue living out this relational need. Show You Care: Have the following conversation with an important person in your life. Work hard to make the changes they suggest. “I want to be one of the respectful people in your life. How could I show you more respect?” Here are a few ideas: ° Would like for me to ask about your ideas or opinions? ° Would you like for me to be more careful about your individual property, privacy, and time? ° Would you like for me to give you more freedom to do a job your own way? ° Would you like for me to listen to you without interrupting? ° Would you like for me to include you more often in decisions that affect you? ° Would you like for me to make sure I use an appropriate tone of voice with you? ° Would you like for me to apologize more consistently? Remember: Be sure to listen without interrupting! That is showing respect. To continue growing in respect at home, try on or both of these resources! ° Date night menu on Respect ° Table talk on Respect for families
© Relational Values Alliance 11 Appendix
12 © Relational Values Alliance vc Part 1: With caring connections, good things happen. Part 2: Without caring connections, bad things happen. We all have unique relational needs—the distinct ways that we feel cared for and loved in relationships. In this session, you learned more about giving and receiving RESPECT to help create caring connections. Caring, connections at home help: • Enrich your home as a place of refuge and fun. • Reduce misunderstandings and conflicts. • Impart critical relational skills and values to children and future generations. • Deepen marriage intimacy and relational closeness. • Strengthen parents’ relationship with children. • Parents instill values, faith, and life purpose. • Reduce isolation and aloneness. • Prepare children and teens for adulthood and a positive, productive future. Without caring connections and if relational needs are missed, bad things happen. When we are feeling alone, disconnected, or isolated at home, we might: • Have difficulty with family cohesion, unity, and vision. • Struggle to address the inevitable conflicts of family life. • Struggle to negotiate the life stages of marriage and family. • Have more physical symptoms and health concerns. • Lose sleep or become depressed. • Become irritable, critical, uncooperative, or impatient. • Be more fearful, anxious, and have a tough time trusting other people. • Be more prone to abuse alcohol, drugs, or porn. • Escape into Netflix, gaming, shopping, work, or hobbies. • Feel depressed, withdrawn, or resentful. Watch this video and notice what happens when this student felt alone and disconnected—even in a room full of people. His relational needs for respect and acceptance were missed and bad things happened!
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