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A Final Narrative Project for A-818: Education in Armed Conflict taught by Dr. Sarah Dryden-Peterson at Harvard Graduate School of Education

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Published by Mary, 2016-11-29 22:07:20

Nine.

A Final Narrative Project for A-818: Education in Armed Conflict taught by Dr. Sarah Dryden-Peterson at Harvard Graduate School of Education

Nine.

Final Narrative Project
Mary Pham



“I was nine when I saw people die.”
I was twenty-nine when I interviewed him.

One: Quê Hương.

I asked him where his quê hương is—quê hương doesn’t exactly translate over to
home but it is the closest thing in Vietnamese. Quê hương has a shade in it that
implies a dwelling, or in another linguistic interpretation, roots.
He quietly thinks about my question, pausing in silence. “I
think…………..I think my home is my nước, Vietnam.”
Nước means nation, but it also means water. Vietnam,
incidentally, is an S-shaped country with a massive coastline that embraces the
sea.
“I guess….my home is Ho Chi Minh City. Or as I know it, Saigon.” Saigon refers to
the name of the city prior to the war.
“Throughout my youth, me and my friends didn’t go out, I just went to school and
back home every day. I didn’t think really think about or worry about the war, I
didn't have time to really think.”

Home is my country, my nation state,
Home is my routine, my source of consistency.

Two: Faith and Catholic School.

“When I was little, I went to Catholic School.
I just went down the street to get to school, I
went until I was about 10 years old. After
that, I went to public school, no more than 2
or 3 kilometers away. I went by bike.”

“My teachers were good. I liked math the
most.”

“There were no classes on politics. I didn’t
understand anything about Communism. I
didn't understand anything about Communists. “

“People were saying bad things about Communists,
but I had no idea who Communists actually were. I
knew they were like us, but I actually didn't know how
they were like us.”

“The war was just between the North and South. I
didn't really think about the politics about it, but I just
knew it went on and on.”

“When I was older, I understood a little more about the
war but not much. But to be honest, I wasn’t very
interested in school.”

“I wanted to be a motorcycle mechanic. I already
had a motorcycle when I was 14 and looked forward
to riding it after school. It broke often but I always repaired it. I don’t think I was as
ambitious as your generation.”

I sought after books to learn more.

The Vietnam War between a communist-led North Vietnam against South
Vietnam and its principal democratic ally, the United States. The war
was a larger symbolic manifestation of an ideological Cold War between
two global superpowers: the United States and the Soviet Union.

Historical narratives in Vietnam often conveyed messages of extreme
nationalism and loyalty to the country.

Education was responsible for killing people.
Education brainwashed my country to fight.

Three: Self-Possession.

He never looked nor sounded sad, fearful, or
depressed. He never looked back with a
glimpse of depression or anger. No matter
what graphic details he elaborated, he did
so with a tremendous amount of self-
possession.

Was there some kind of pressure to be brave,
to reflect masculinity? He displayed such
little emotion. Reflecting longer on his words,
I understood that having choices—or lacking
choices—included possessing emotions. His
daily lived experience of the war was not a choice.

His best friend, Vinh, was drafted for the war and fought in the
frontlines without a choice. Vinh’s family was poor and
couldn’t bribe officers to appoint him an office position,
away from battle.

He recalls listening to artillery shells a half mile away from his
house without a choice when he was young.

“But I wasn't depressed, I just went to school and back, I just
went home to work in the field. I wasn’t depressed. None of
my friends were scared or depressed.”



I was never depressed.
But I also had no choice.

Four: The War as Seen from Childhood.

“There was a war when I was young, it was dangerous, a lot of people died from
the war. Behind my house there was a military barrack belonging to the southern
Vietnamese army. The Communist army came in and killed them half a mile away
from my house.”
“I saw Viet Cong [northern Vietnamese troops] die. The southern Vietnamese
soldiers behind my house, they would kill shoot Viet Cong, and when they did they
put the bodies out on the streets so that people could see. Both for civilians to see
that the southern army was protecting the area and as a warning for the Viet
Cong not to return to this place. I saw the corpses of at least 2 or 3 soldiers.”

“They were so young, it was very unfortunate. They had to be no older than 22 or
23 years old. I was no older than 9 years old when I saw their dead bodies.”
The nonchalance in his response chilled me. I tried to ignore the mental discord
occurring in my mind as he recalls death with tremendously eerie indifference.

I just accepted that as part of the war.

Five: Memories and Non-Problems.

His mind seemed to be diffused in searching through
cerebral spaces he hasn’t examined in a while, taking time
to play the narrative of his youth, recrystallizing blurred
scenes left in cognitive storage, in quiet but self-possessed
contemplation.
“They told us to come and look. So I came to see.”
“People started shooting behind my house. But I wasn’t
scared. We all knew it was just part of the war. I started to
regularly hear artillery shells fired behind my house and I
simply accepted that as part of the war.”

“There were no mental health services, just physical health services. Even now, in
Vietnam, there’s just physical health services. Doctors treated patients if they were
bleeding or sick, but did nothing with this ‘mental health’ people speak about.
But honestly, I don’t understand why the west makes such a big deal about
mental health. Honestly, I went through a war and I feel fine!”

I went through a war and I feel fine!
Why do people make problems out of nothing?

Six: The Boat and The Camp.

The war was a barrier to living a free life, and people died everyday around him,
so survival was his first and foremost goal. Education itself didn’t keep people
alive. Education was what caused his friends to be brainwashed to fight in the
war and die. He could not escape this propaganda without physically leaving
the country.

“I left Vietnam when I was about 25 years old….1980. If you had money you can
go. I had to pay a bribe, then I went on a boat. I went on a boat to Indonesia,
alone.”

“On the boat, we didn't have food, we had water, everyone was hungry. I didn't
know if I was going to survive, there was no food, little water, I was afraid I was
going to die.”

“I was in Indonesia 18 months. I was in a
refugee camp. I was hoping to get out of
America. When I was there, I didn't get to do
anything, I just studied English, I was very sad
and depressed. It felt like years. It was not
dangerous, it was safe.”

“But I was very, very sad.”

He was not depressed when people were
killed a half mile away from his home as a
child, but he was depressed in a refugee
camp in Indonesia.

He was not at home.

Seven: Emotion.

“In the refugee camp, I heard about people who died, people had thieves, I
heard that people had to eat bodies of other people, eat the meat of other
people. But I never had that happen to me. I’m lucky.”

Depression did not come from the war. War was inevitable. Because war is
inevitable, it wasn’t scary. It was predictable, in some ways. War is full of tragedy
and suffering.
Depression, however, occurred going into the unknown, stripped away from
predictability. Being a refugee was far scarier than being a civilian in a warzone.
“I left behind my close friends. But most of my close childhood friends, my school
friends, they all died. Those that went to military and fought in the war.”

“Three of my close friends died fighting in the war. I
went to a friend's funeral when I was just a teenager.
That was one point where I was really scared about the
war.”
He left it all behind, but then he begins to recall those
days.

I wonder: did I enable him to recollect with emotion through this process?
And if so, have I made a terrible mistake?

Eight: America. Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.

When I asked him about his experience as a refugee, he refused the word.
“Refugee” carries a tremendous amount of pity from others. But he was not to be
pitied. Coming to America showed how strong he was. He was one of the lucky
ones. He was able to start over again. He followed his childhood dream: he went
to community college and studied automotive mechanics. He was never able to
do this in Vietnam. But finally, at the age of 25, he reached his personal goal.
For him, this is the meaning of success. The American Dream. No one did it for him.
He did it himself.
He wanted his individual identity to shine in America, though it doesn’t seem
apparently clear if he’s been able to achieve that or not.

Dear America,

I am not a poor victim—I am not refugee. An immigrant.
I am not one-dimensional. I am self-sufficient. I am ambitious.
I am not a poor victim—I am not refugee. An immigrant.
I am not one-dimensional. I am self-sufficient. I
I am not a poor victim—I am not refug
I am not one-dimensional. I am sel
I am not a poor victim—I .

I am not.

Nine: Home.

“My house was burned down when I was fourteen.”
“The US army told us that Communist forces were living in our neighborhood. So
we had to evacuate immediately. The American soldiers placed bombs around
that area to order to kill the Communists who were living in our area. As a result,
our houses were burned.”
“Everyone was so sad, depressed, and stressed. They were all crying. Everyone
was sad when they evacuated. I was away from my home for a whole month.
After the bombs, the fighting, everything happened, we went back. All the houses
were burned down. It was a horrible sight.”
“However, once we returned, the US military offered us monetary compensation,
materials, and wood to build our house again. And I must say, my house was
much prettier than before!”

We both laughed.

It isn’t always accurate to paint people affected by war the same way. I wonder
if having lived through conflict on a day to day basis would influence such a
debonair attitude toward life.
We may die any day—why worry about things that don’t really matter and focus
on things that do?

“I was nine when I saw people die.”
I was twenty-nine when I interviewed him.

This is a story that was never told to me until now.

This is the story of my father.

“Don’t be Wimpy. Play Popeye.”


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