Adelaide Literary Magazine No.27, August 2019

SAFETY

by Victoria Harris

Keep your distance from her. That’s what has armchairs with the poetic graffiti), and you will
always kept you safe. Sane. Next time she pretend you didn’t see her text. There’s noth-
tries to draw you into a conversation about ing like the comfort of boundaries. Therapy
yourself, steer it elsewhere. And don’t have taught you that, if not much else. Ignore the
so many glasses of wine, especially when you nagging feeling that maybe you should try ther-
have work in the morning. She has good in- apy again, since it’s been years. It’s not like you
tentions, but it doesn’t matter. You’ll hang have money to toss around. When you get su-
around as you have for now, but if she’s look- shi for dinner, don’t let her pay. You know
ing for a lifelong friend, she’d better look better than to get caught up owing her some-
elsewhere. thing.

* *

There’s no reason to withdraw just yet. Grad- When she asks if you want to go clubbing, say
uation is the perfect opportunity to let this yes, because there’s little chance of meaningful
friendship dissolve. That’s the lovely thing conversation and a decent chance of shaking
about moving: you get to cut ties, and no one away your stress for a moment. When you
will question you for it. That’s how high have a beer, don’t let the scent remind you of
school was; that’s how this will be. When she your father. It should make you think of frat
offers you her cactus-shaped pipe, take a hit, parties, not the nights your mom would have
but just one. When she offers you her only to pick your dad up from dive bars at 2am.
umbrella, turn it down. You can handle the When your mom asks if you’ve gone to church
rain on your own. Isn’t it enough that you’re lately, resist the urge to say, “No, Mom, I’m
walking next to her when you value being going straight to hell.” She means well, but
alone more than anything else? when is that ever enough? If faith couldn’t save
her marriage or her brother from cancer,
* there’s no way it could do anything for you.

Focus on your classes. If you can keep from *
getting distracted, you’ll leave this place with
nearly a 4.0 GPA. Nearly. Isn’t it something She will ask if you want to go on a road trip up
how you can never make up for one little mis- the coast with her and some friends over
take in the past. She’ll ask you to come over, spring break. Tell her no, but be nice about it.
and you will say that you’re busy with home- After all, she didn’t have to invite you. But the
work. She’ll ask if you want to meet ocean looks the same no matter where you go,
at the library and work side by side (in those so you’re not going to miss anything. Don’t let
her disappointment make you feel guilty. She’ll

get over it. Say, “maybe you and I could do a her out. Offer her a drink, but don’t drink any-
trip over the summer,” knowing full well that thing. Don’t make her breakfast in the morn-
will never happen. Don’t feel bad about the ing; you’ve already gone out of your way for
way her eyes light up when you say that. her. It’s enough of a sacrifice to have someone
You’re just looking out for yourself; there’s in your personal space for a whole night. But
nothing wrong with that. let her know she can help herself to a bagel—
poppyseed—even though there’s only one left.
When she suggests you just crash on her
couch, order an Uber and go home. So what if *
the cost comes out of your grocery budget?
You’re an adult. You can make your own choic- You will cancel your weekend plans with her
es and tolerate the consequences. Yeah, you because your younger sister is going to be in
had a fun time binge watching Kimmy Schmidt town. When she says, “bring her along!” tell
with her. But at the end of the night, it’s best her that you and your sister need some time by
to be in your own company. To be able to wash yourselves. Don’t mention any of this to your
your makeup off, unhook your bra, sleep in sister. Walk along the Santa Monica Prome-
your underwear. To feel like you don’t have to nade and take selfies with the dinosaur sculp-
hold yourself together with your arms crossed. tures. Try on that dress you love but can’t
There’s beauty in privacy. afford. Buy your sister gelato, even though she
pretends not to want it. When your she asks if
* there’s anyone you’ll really miss after college,
tell her no. Which is the truth.
When she asks about your post-graduation
plans, don’t tell her about New York. She *
doesn’t need to know you’re moving across the
country. No need to put a damper on things. When she tells you, two days before the trip,
No need for her to know that soon, you won’t that her friends have bailed, you will consider
see each other anymore. Because that adds backing out too. You know it would be easier
pressure. And that would make things heat up just to stay here. You could get ahead on your
and fall apart, friendship like pork that pulls homework and study for the midterm that is
right off the bone. Just tell her you don’t know, cruelly scheduled for the day after break. But
and she’ll say, “me either,” and you’ll both don’t cancel on her. Say, “Well, they’re going
laugh and shrug. Wish that you knew what it out miss out.” You won’t miss out. You owe it
was like for indecision to be anything but para- to yourself to have a little vacation. And it’ll be
lyzing. more relaxing now that you won’t have to so-
cialize with her friends, who you didn’t really
* know.

Tell her you’ve changed your mind about the *
road trip. She will be excited, like she’s just
done a line of coke. Don’t try to calm her Pack everything the night before. Toothbrush,
down. Don’t wonder why it matters so much to toothpaste, deodorant, sunscreen, shirts,
her that you’re going. It’s just a week of sitting jeans, sandals, underwear. Maybe even a few
in a car, cramped, tired, hungry. She will tell sundresses. Pack your bikini, because you don’t
you about all the stops she has planned on the have a swimsuit that is less revealing. Try on
way from LA to Seattle. Allow yourself to look your bikini, because it’s been a while. Don’t
forward to seeing places you’ve never seen. have a breakdown about the way your love
Start budgeting now. handles look. It’s not like you care what she
thinks. Sunglasses, shorts, makeup, Autobiog-
* raphy of Red (to read on the beach). Double
check your list to make sure you aren’t for-
When her roommate locks her out after a spat, getting anything. Go to bed even though you’re
let her stay at your place. She can have your sure you’ve forgotten something—no way to
bed; you’ll get by on the floor in a sleeping bag. know what it is.
Don’t hug her when she cries because she is
reminded of the time her own mother locked *

Wait outside for her to arrive, backpack digging This is too much, and you know it. You can take
into your shoulders and bags in your hands. a plane back. You can’t stand to be so close to
When she drives up to the curb and honks at her anymore. You have separate beds this
you three times, give her the finger and laugh. time, but it feels like her body is inches away
Don’t feel silly because it’s unlike you. Let her from yours, and you are burning, burning up
help you put your stuff in the trunk. When you inside. In the morning, just say that you’re
get on the highway, don’t criticize her music coming down with a cold, and your period just
choice (the Goo Goo Dolls). Just turn it up and started, and you don’t feel up to travelling. You
sign along; you know the words. can deal with the way her shoulders will sag.
You can’t deal with being around her any long-
* er.

When you get to the motel, exhausted from *
day one of the trip, don’t freak out because the
only vacant room has one queen instead of You wake up in the middle of the night and feel
two. It will be like when you shared beds with like you are dying. Don’t move. How could you
your friends during middle school sleepovers. have let this happen? You were so careful.
Don’t argue that you should find somewhere Fuck. No, you weren’t. You thought you were
else to stay; this is probably the only place for in control. You thought you could have it all.
miles. Apologize in advance for all the tossing Wrap your arms around your stomach. Hold it
and turning you do in your sleep. Try not to be in. She’s asleep, unaware that you are in agony
embarrassed. Anyone with nightmares like and it is all your own fault. You have been driv-
yours wouldn’t be able to keep still all night. ing along the edge of the cliff, foolishly certain
Let the sound of her breathing, even and slow, that you’d never go over the edge. Cry, but be
lull you to sleep—you need your rest. Let her quiet.
“goodnight, sweet dreams,” her smile, her gen-
tle bump of her shoulder to your shoulder echo *
in your mind.
Look at the alarm clock. It is 3am. Get up, go to
* the bathroom, close the door. Turn the light
on. Splash cold water on your face. It won’t
When she splashes you with seawater, splash make any difference. Look yourself in the eye.
her back. But don’t let your hair get soaked. It’s After all the people who have left you behind,
not worth how awful it will look for the rest of is this who you have become? The one who
the day. Remember getting teased at that poo runs away?
party when you were twelve. Don’t stare at the
tattoo on her left thigh, or the scars. When it’s *
time to reapply sunscreen, don’t ask for her
help. Don’t think about how her hands would Sit on the edge of her bed. Run your hand
feel on your skin. Walk along the tideline with along the cheap duvet; try to calm the thunder
her, picking up seashells. She likes all of them, of your heart. Breathe in the fear. Hold it. Lis-
even the broken ones. ten to the air rush in and out of her body. Be
afraid. Be fucking terrified. You are breaking all
* of your rules, all the careful constructs that
have held you together over the years. What-
When she shouts over the noise of the bar in ever happens, you can finally release all that
San Francisco, “we’re still going to hang out you’ve been holding in. You are going to boil
after we graduate, right?” say, “of course,” over and it will be a mess and you have to do it.
because it’s hard to imagine that you won’t see Put your hand on her sleeping shoulder. Say
her every weekend. You will move into a shitty her name. Say it again. Relish the way it tastes
apartment in Queens, and a year will pass, and on your tongue. Say it louder. She will wake,
then two, and she won’t even think about you she will sit up, ask, “You okay?” Do not try to
anymore. Time will eat this up, just like it does be okay. Find her hand in the darkness. Pause.
everything else.

*

Notice the way her breath changes. Place your About the Author:
hand on her cheek, even though you are shak-
ing, and kiss her. Kiss her like you’re not afraid,
like you don’t care that you are a woman and
she is a woman, like it doesn’t matter that this
will end someday and it will tear you apart, kiss
her like you have always wanted to, kiss her
because you are here and she is here and she
deserves to be loved. Kiss her and open your-
self up like heavy clouds offering a deluge to
the parched earth. Kiss her.

*

You cannot turn back.

Victoria Harris works as an editorial assistant in
Manhattan and lives in Brooklyn with her wife
and their three houseplants. She earned an
MFA in Writing from Sarah Lawrence College in
2018.